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Usopp was sat in the crow’s nest half-watching the ship, half-tinkering with some new ammo, when some footsteps from the deck set him on alert.
He hadn’t been too worried about enemies, since there were probably a few people still up – he’d just started watch – but when he heard something he jumped up straight away, peering through the window.
He was a little surprised, and very much relieved, to see that it was only Sanji, making his way from the galley to the dock.
Usopp watched as he walked down the dock and towards town, a little curious because he had already went out grocery shopping and to the post office with Sanji earlier in the day, but shrugged it off and sat back down anyway.
He got back into tinkering, checking the windows every few minutes for enemies. He was so absorbed in inventing, he wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Sanji returned to the boat, nothing visible in hand.
He once again brushed it off, watching Sanji retire to the galley instead of the bunk room.
Sanji was often up late and awake early, so that wasn’t too weird.
Usopp had just a few batches of Death Heat Sure Kill 8 Million Scoville Tabasco Stars to make before he was done restocking his ammo… but after mixing together his ground up peppers, he realised he was almost out of chilli oil.
Well, he supposed it was a good thing that Sanji was still up. Maybe he’d make him a snack, too.
He descended from the crows nest, pushing the door to the galley open a little before freezing in shock.
He quickly pulled the door shut to only a sliver, peering through at where Sanji was sitting at the table…
Sanji seemed focused on something, but Usopp barely noticed-
Because Sanji’s lips were a bright, bold, lipstick red.
And the lipstick was smudged.
Like he had been-
Sanji glanced around, almost nervously, and Usopp quickly closed the door completely, peering just barely through the window of the door.
Sanji didn’t own lipstick.
At least, Usopp was pretty sure Sanji didn’t own lipstick.
If their cook was on a journey of self-discovery, Usopp was all for it. There was a reason he was called Captain Ally Usopp, after all! With his 8000 Newkama nakama...
But even if Sanji was experimenting with girly stuff, why was it smudged?!
Zoro was asleep… right? And Sanji had just been out!
Had Sanji gone to… a bar or something?
He was back, which meant nothing terribly ungentlemanly happened, but even so- to kiss a woman while he was in such a trusting relationship with their honourable swordsman?!-
Maybe Zoro was awake. Maybe he was the one with the lipstick-
Usopp had to make sure before jumping to any conclusions.
So he ran to the bunk room, creaking the door open to have his suspicions confirmed…
Zoro was sound asleep.
And Sanji had messy lipstick on his face, just back from a mysterious midnight trip into town.
Usopp stilled, implausible scenarios running through his head.
Sanji would never do something like that… right?
“Oi, shouldn’t you be on watch?” A very Sanji-like voice asked behind him, causing him to 360 flinch to face him.
He had clearly wiped the lipstick off, seeing as his lips were once again pale.
“O- O- Oh- Right! I was just checking… to make sure there were no enemies in here! ‘Cause something exploded and I- you know what, I’ll just let you go to sleep. Don’t get up too early!!” Usopp sputtered, running to the crows’ nest and away from the cook.
Slamming the door behind him, Usopp slid to the ground, hands over his mouth.
He had to check their bathroom for lipstick-
And probably get back to watching the ship for the night-
Right, well, at least that last one, for now.
He watched the ship until Franky relieved him from watch, tip-toeing to his bunk and past where Zoro and Sanji were tangled up in Zoro’s bunk.
They looked so deceivingly… peaceful.
He supposed they always did, considering how they fought while awake, but now it was in a different sort of way.
Maybe a girl was super eager and Sanji couldn’t politely turn her down? Usopp had run through that thought earlier, but wouldn’t he tell Zoro? And why did he go out in the first place? And wouldn’t he be able to avoid such a perfectly aligned kiss on the lips?
He considered this as he tucked himself in and drifted off.
The following day, he went to the bathroom first thing, looking both ways before opening the cabinet door where Sanji kept all his hair stuff and sifting through it.
No lipstick yet…
Still no lipstick…
Who needs this many bottles…?
“Do you need something? Sanji will gut you if you use his hair stuff for an invention, you know.” He startled, turning to see Nami raising a suspicious brow at him.
“Ah- ah, nothing at all! I mean, yes, ammo!! I should really ask him first… Heheheh, actually, I’ll go do that now, thanks!!” Usopp said, sweating profusely.
“Hold it!” Nami grabbed the back of his collar just as he was about to dart, “You’re acting more suspicious than normal… What’s up?”
“I- I really have to go now, actually… I think I left the oven on at home-”
“Yeah, no.” She said, pulling him back while shutting and locking the door behind her, “Spill the tea.”
“It’s actually really bitter tea...” Usopp said, hoping for just an ounce of mercy.
“All the better! Come on, out with it.”
“Fine! But only because we’re gossip buddies…” Usopp wrung his hands together, straightening his thoughts out in his mind, “So, when I was on watch yesterday… Sanji may have gone into town for an unknown amount of time late at night and come back with lipstick smeared on his lips while Zoro was very much asleep!- but you didn’t hear that from me-”
He cut himself off, gauging her reaction. Nami was silent for a moment, eyes slightly wide as she gaped at him before she spoke, “Are you implying what I think you’re implying?!”
“I don’t know! That’s what I saw! Now I’m double-checking that Sanji doesn’t own lipstick…”
She held a hand to her mouth, brows furrowed, “This is a big deal! I mean, Zoro would be heartbroken…”
“I know!” Usopp yells, turning to face her, “But it’s not something I think Sanji’d ever do, either.”
“Yeah,” She sighs, looking to the cabinet, “We should make as sure as we can… Despite his perverted tendencies, he’s gentlemanly when it counts.”
Usopp nodded, pointing to the cabinet, “Nothing in there. Though, Sanji’s not the type of guy to keep things like that out in the open.”
Nami’s eyes immediately glinted, and she turned to the door, gesturing for Usopp to follow, “I happen to know my way around a lock. You know, for debt collection… Shall we check our lover boy’s locker?”
A grin grew on Usopp’s face, “Yes, Ma’am!!”
Luckily, there was nobody in the boys’ room, and Nami was able to pick Sanji’s locker’s lock with no trouble.
… but there was no lipstick to be found.
“The girlie magazines really don’t help his case...” Nami frowned.
And it was true, Sanji’s obsession with girls made it very surprising when he and Zoro announced their relationship… but Sanji was happy with Zoro, despite him being a man, right?
They checked Zoro’s locker, too – which he didn’t even bother to lock, apparently, – but he didn’t have any lipstick either.
They both sighed heavily.
Usopp spoke first, “Should we ask Zoro about it…? I mean, if he or Sanji have worn lipstick while kissing?”
“It’s gonna be awkward regardless,” Nami said, “We need to tell Zoro what happened…”
“Yeah…”
And so, after sitting through a mildly awkward lunch, the two cornered Zoro in the crows nest.
“What do you two want? You were making shifty eyes at me and the cook all lunch.” Zoro grumbled, lifting up a frankly terrifyingly heavy weight.
“Uuuhh, you might want to set that down for this.” Usopp suggested.
Zoro scowled, but complied, the weight hitting the ground making both Usopp and Nami bounce slightly.
Nami gestured for Usopp to explain gravely.
“I- Well, when I was on watch yesterday- Actually- I mean- I think I just caught Can’t-Tell-Zoro-What-I-Saw disease!” Usopp cried, hiding behind Nami.
Nami rolled her eyes, levelling Zoro a serious gaze, “Yesterday, Usopp… Saw Sanji acting pretty suspiciously.”
Zoro raised an eyebrow, “Yeah?”
Nami nodded slowly, “Sanji went to the town late, and when he came back, he… had lipstick smudged on his lips.”
Zoro’s eyebrows furrowed together in thought for a bit before he spoke, “If he likes girly stuff now that’s fine.”
Nami and Usopp both took a sharp breath, and Usopp clarified, “He- It was smudged, like he’d… ya know.”
“I guess that’s kinda weird.” Zoro shrugged, and Nami and Usopp exchanged a desperate glance.
“I know you’re dense, but- do you understand what might’ve happened?” Nami asked.
Zoro just tilted his head in response.
Nami continued, “Lipstick smudges like that when you kiss, Zoro. He went out late. Alone…”
Zoro’s eyes widened suddenly before his scowl returned with double the force, a decidedly dark aura surrounding them.
“I- I know it’s upsetting, but please don’t shoot the messangers!!” Usopp shrieked.
“You two mean to say you think he cheated on me?!” Zoro growled, standing up. Zoro was understandably upset…
Nami reached out a comforting hand, “I’m really sorry, Zoro…”
Zoro slapped her hand away, his other hand tensely gripping one of his sword’s hilts.
“You should talk to h-”
“Shut up!!” Zoro growled, turning on them both, “What the fuck’s wrong with you two?! You need to apologise to the cook.”
“Huh?!” Usopp and Nami gaped in unison.
“Curly’d never do something like that!” He yelled.
“We’re sorry, Zoro, but that’s what we saw!” Nami placated. He must be hurting.
“No.” He glanced between the two of them, “You told me what you saw, and then what you assumed happened.”
“There’s not much else that could have happened…!! we checked Sanji’s locker for lipstick.” Usopp explained.
“I trust that fucking cook with my life! That’s a whole lot more than just my heart-" His face turned disappointed as he spoke, "You two put your lives in his hands on the regular. Don't forget that.”
Usopp and Nami were shocked into silence, and they simply stared as Zoro continued.
“I don’t need to ask him to know nothing happened. Trust goes both ways. If I accused Sanji of something like that, I’d be breaking the trust we share.”
“So- So what, you’d just turn a blind eye if Sanji was going around kissing people?!” Nami asked, concern lacing her voice.
“I wouldn’t have to, because he never would.” Zoro said, sitting down like it was final.
“That’s… and you wouldn’t be worried never knowing why he was out with lipstick on him?” Usopp squeaked.
Zoro nodded resolutely, “If he wants to tell me, he will. If you’re curious, ask him.”
Usopp paused, “Didn’t you say we shouldn’t ask him?”
“Being curious and being worried he did something wrong are two different things.” His eyes narrowed, and he returned to lifting his weights.
Nami and Usopp shared an undetermined look before heading to a private part of the ship to gather themselves.
“I feel bad for doubting Sanji now…” Usopp sighed.
“Yeah… but what else could he have been doing?” Nami asked.
Usopp furrowed his brows, “Should we ask him…?”
After Zoro's whole speech? How could they accuse their nakama like that…?
“No.” They both said in unison, resolutely nodding.
“…”
“Will you be able to sleep tonight without knowing?” Usopp asked quietly, conversationally.
Because maybe they were wrong for suspecting him, but they were still gossips, and Sanji wearing lipstick was too interesting to ignore.
“Okay, we should definitely ask him.” Nami concluded.
And so the two made their way to the galley, where Sanji was swirling around from counter to counter making dinner.
“Ah, my lovely Nami-swan~!… and Usopp. Do you two need anything?” Sanji trilled, twirling over to Nami.
Usopp bashed himself internally for suspecting him. This was Sanji. Their friend.
“Actually, Sanji-kun, we wanted to ask you something…” Nami started.
“Of course! What’s on your mind, my dear?” Sanji asked, returning to the counters to continue cooking.
“I- I saw you yesterday, while I was on watch… wearing lipstick?” Usopp asked, preparing himself mentally to be kicked upside the head.
Sanji froze for a second, slowly turning around with a red face, “I wasn’t doing it for fun!!- I’m not like that- I mean not that that’s bad or anything- but it was Robin-swan’s lipstick. I was just borrowing it!”
“Uh…” Nami started, a little shocked at Sanji’s forceful denial, “What exactly were you doing wearing lipstick?”
“Oh- I was just…-” Sanji turned down the heat of the stove, rushing over to pull a paper out of a drawer.
He walked over to the two, visible eyebrow furrowed a little in what looked like embarrassment.
“… I was signing a letter.” Sanji finished, turning the piece of paper around for them to see.
Oh.
Ooohh.
And Usopp realised he should have known.
Really, because somewhere in his mind he did know that Sanji dotted the “i” in his name with a kiss.
He had just never connected it with Sanji wearing lipstick before.
“This isn’t the letter- since we left early in the morning, I sent it then. I went out late yesterday because I realised I needed to get stamps.” Sanji explained.
Nami and Usopp both sucked their lips in, nodding.
“I was… writing Zeff. You know- I want to send proof he knows me since I can’t protect the place personally anymore."
“You’re a good man, Sanji.” Usopp said.
“And you’ve found yourself a great partner.” Nami concluded.
Here's Sanji's signature, as revealed in an SBS:
