Archive of Our Own

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“What could go wrong?” Taeyeon whispers to herself, sighing as she pulls over by the driveway of their meeting place.

It’s only in that moment does she realize that there’s something very suspicious about this trip.

Perhaps it’s because she also needs a break, that she didn’t even question it when Yeri asked her to accompany her to this little field trip. But you know, what could go wrong?

She grabs her phone resting by the passenger seat and calls Yeri.

It only takes two rings.

“Unnie,” the younger girl says from the other end of the line.

“I’m here, where are you?” she asks as she tries to look outside the car, trying to see if Yeri is anywhere to be seen.

“Come into the parking lot, unnie,” a pause, “Actually, can you come up a bit? We’re not ready.”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes, “You said you were ready.”

“Yeah, but then, Minjeong decided she wanted to change her clothes.”

She hears a bit of protest from the other end of the line, but she ignores it, thinking this is just one of the many interesting switch-ups this trip has in store for her. She really doesn’t know when Yeri and Winter became close but now, Taeyeon realizes how terrifying that is.

Taeyeon decides to pull up into the parking lot of aespa’s dorm building. She parks at a spot she knows isn’t occupied by anyone and heads straight toward the lift.

As she walks toward the lift, she thinks about what led her here.

Last week, Yeri called her and asked if she can accompany them to a camping site somewhere in Mureung Valley and that she’s doing this because Winter is sad.

At no point did Taeyeon question it. After all, aespa just came from a rigorous world tour and Yeri has taken the younger girls under her wing lately.

Per experience, touring the world is fun but it is also sad at the same time. Something about always longing for home. Back then, touring with the girls was fun.

Touring solo is an escape.

Deeply, she understands why the younger girls need this. She also gets why it’s her who must be there for them.

She embraces wholeheartedly who she is to them: a friend, a sunbae, but more importantly a living proof that this idol life is survivable. That it is possible to have all this pain and all this sadness, and still somehow, go far.

As she reaches the lift, she pulls out her exclusive access card and taps it into the surface just below the up/down buttons. A green light flashes on the digital monitor, followed by the sound of a beep; and soon, the doors to the lift opens.

Taeyeon steps inside and presses the button to the top floor.

As the lift makes its way up, something stirs in her stomach.

There’s a feeling that creeps up at her but it’s not exactly a bad feeling. It’s just something that feels off—like when the skies start to turn dark on a day you do not expect rain.

She recalls the conversations that led her here—that one phone call from Yeri: Unnie, go camping with us. Minjeong needs a breather and so do you.

Normally, she would say no to camping but she’s trying to say more yes-es than no’s these days. So, she does. After all—

“What could go wrong?” she mutters out loud as she steps out of the lift and walks the short distance toward aespa’s dorm room.

She smiles to herself, reminiscing her old dorm days. Easier days, she thinks. Back then, there were no heartbreaks bigger than the stage she shares with eight other girls.

Now, there’s no stage that hasn’t been touched by her loneliness. It’s like all her unfulfilled loves are sewn into her by a thread—every part of her body is touched by it. These days, the thread looks more and more like blue.

She shakes her head, trying to shake off the thoughts that somehow always lead to her; and no, she cannot do this now. She made a choice. She walked out. That shipped has long sailed. 

Ugh.

Taeyeon rings the doorbell as soon as she reaches the door.

She already prepared a mouthful of lectures about how they’re behind schedule; and about how Winter didn’t need to change clothes because it’s a camping and no one else would see her anyway.

But all those words, all that lecture, were thrown out the window soon as Yeri pulls the door open.

Soon as she steps inside, she sees blue. She hears her heart beat faster than it should. She feels her hand tremble just a little bit.

No fucking way.

Right in the middle of room stands Wendy who turns to her, mouth agape in sheer surprise.

“Hell, no!” Wendy fumes.

In that moment, Taeyeon’s brain refuses to catch up with her. But she quickly tries to recall every moment that led to this: one, Yeri asked her to go on a camping trip; two, there’s a sudden detour from the meeting place to aespa’s dorm room; and three, Wendy is standing right in front of her looking like she would rather be anywhere else but there.

Oh.

She’s being set up.

Taeyeon gasps, this time fully understanding what’s happening.

A sudden rush of whatever hits her. She turns to Yeri who is sitting with Winter by the long couch, “Yerim? What is this?”

Both Minjeong and Yeri remain unfazed, sporting a tight-lipped smile.

These idiots planned this.

“To be fair, we didn’t plan this,” Yeri says, like she read Taeyeon’s mind.

“Well—we did, but not in the way that you think,” Winter counters and punctuates it with a smile.

“I’m leaving,” Wendy announces, shaking her head. She gathers what looks like a huge duffle bag and starts making a move to leave.

“Yah, unnie!” Yeri protests, standing up from her seat. “Let me explain.”

Wendy stops on her tracks, turning to Yeri. She’s angry, that’s true. But there’s a certain fondness in there, too.

It almost makes Taeyeon smile. Wendy, for the life of her, can never really be angry at her members. Or anyone, really.

Except maybe for Taeyeon but she deserves that. That’s a story for another day.

“This is not funny, Yerim.”

Winter stands up as well, and walks over to Wendy, “Unnie, I’m the one who invited you, let me explain.”

Wendy glances at Taeyeon for a moment and Taeyeon can only shrug. She doesn’t know what’s happening. Nor has she caught up with all this mess.

All she knows is Wendy is standing in front of her, glowing under the light seeping through the large windows of the dorm. She looks good. And Taeyeon is stupid half the time but she’s not blind.

Wendy looks good in a pair of sweatpants and an oversized sweater, with her hair pulled up in a loose bun.

Taeyeon knows she fucked up big time, but if this is a message from the universe, she hopes that the universe knows she’s starting to listen.

“I originally invited Jimin-unnie and Aeri-unnie,” Winter explains. “But they cannot come, so I called you.”

Wendy quirks an eyebrow, “Not only did you set me up, setting me up was your third choice.”

Taeyeon almost laughs. Ah, she’s cute when she’s mad.

Winter chuckles but quickly tries to cough it up, “Unnie, no. You’re my first choice. I just didn’t know if you’ll come if you knew that Taeyeonnie is coming.”

“So, I told her we shouldn’t tell you,” Yeri adds, a smile of victory almost escaping her. She’s so proud of this little masterplan, she’s not even trying hard to hide it. But she keeps it together for now.

Part of Taeyeon is impressed. She’s known Yeri for so long and she thought she knew every trick up her sleeve, but this is just on a different level of evil.

Taeyeon bets they wanna laugh so bad.

“And I agreed,” Winter finishes the story, mirroring the same mischievous smile that Yeri somehow can’t wipe off her face.

There’s just silence after that.

Wendy is looking at the younger girls as if trying to decide if they’re telling the truth or not.

Seconds later, she turns to Taeyeon sharply, eyes laced with a shit ton of accusations.

Taeyeon’s eyes widen, raising both her eyes as if surrendering, “I—I’m as shocked as you are. I’m not in on this.”

But… she’s not entirely opposed to it.

Suddenly, she’s not dreading camping. Camping is fun!

This time, Winter stands in from of Wendy as she takes both of her hands and swings it with hers. Then, she goes on with those puppy eyes—and yup, this conversation is over, no one can resist that. “Unnie,” she pouts, “Come with us, please. You’re really funny.”

“And we can’t cook,” Yeri adds with a smirk. “We will die if Taeyeonnie is cooking.”

Taeyeon gasps loudly, “Excuse me?”

“And we will also die if Wendy-unnie is driving,” Yeri adds.

Both older women gasp.

Yeri shrugs as if to say, did I lie?

Wendy chuckles bitterly in sheer disbelief, “Oh my gosh.”

“Please,” Winter gives her a cute apologetic smile.

Taeyeon’s eyes shift to Yeri who is still standing across them, arms crossed at her chest, with a large grin plastered on her face.

Oh my God.

 Yeri has found the perfect partner in crime.

Taeyeon’s eyes then shifts to Winter who’s so natural at persuading at Wendy.

Oh my God.

Yeri is a freakin’ mastermind.

Wendy turns to her. This time, her eyes shine of something else. For the first time in a long time, Taeyeon doesn’t spot any anger.

Taeyeon would rather burn in hell than admit this out loud, but she thinks she saw some warmth in there, too.

Am I delusional?

Finally, Wendy lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m choosing the music in the car,” Wendy bargains firmly.

“Nooooooo,” Yeri cries, stomping her foot. “It’s gonna be sad music all the way!”

Winter jumps in joy, “Unnie, thank you!” The younger girl places a kiss on Wendy’s cheek happily and then runs back to Yeri who’s still whining. “Take it, take it. We might eat good tonight for a couple hours of sad music.”

Wendy then turns to her as if waiting for her to challenge it.

“Anything you want, Seungwan,” she concedes easily. Smilingly, too.

Anything.

*** 

Hour 0

After a few more minutes of rummaging around, they gather their things and head over to where Taeyeon’s car is parked.

Taeyeon doesn’t know how it happened but all of a sudden, she’s with Wendy as they load up all the stuff into the trunk of the car.

Wendy is quiet as she tries to stuff everything in.  “Why did Minjeong bring so much?” Wendy grunts.

“Look who’s talking,” Taeyeon banters casually, almost forgetting her boundaries. “Your bag is almost as big as you.”

Wendy stops moving altogether, as she turns to Taeyeon with a sharp gaze.

Taeyeon grins, “I can’t joke?”

Wendy only rolls her eyes as she loads the last of the camping gear and then adds her big duffle bag on top of everything.

“No,” Wendy answers.

“Okay,” Taeyeon shrugs. “Anything you want, Seungwan.”

Anything.

Wendy then slams the trunk close and walks toward the front.

See, this is where it gets interesting.

As Taeyeon hops on the driver’s seat, she sees Wendy by the backseat door, looking at Yeri and Winter who both have already settled comfortably by the backseat.

Oh, she wanted to sit at the back.  

“Unnie, you can’t sit here at the back,” Yeri tells her. “It’s already too cramped here and Taeyeonnie will look like an Uber driver.”

Winter laughs and puts a hand in her mouth soon as she realized it.

“Switch seats with me,” Wendy tells Yeri.

“No,” Yeri refuses.

Wendy then eyes Winter.

Winter shakes her head, “I—I—I get dizzy when I sit at the front.”

Wendy squints, “You sat by the passenger seat during the unit activities.”

“Aaaaand I was dizzy all the time, I was just so good at hiding it,” Winter counters dramatically. “You know, like a professional.”

Taeyeon chuckles quietly to herself, they’re good.

She sees Wendy’s fuming at this point, so she decides to step in.

“Come on, Seunwan,” Taeyeon calls softly. “Just take the passenger seat. I won’t even talk to you or look at you. Just… tolerate me.”

Wendy looks at her like she’s thinking, like she’s really debating her options.

Then, she sighs a final time before she slams the backseat door shut and resigns to the passenger seat.

Feeling like a winner, Taeyeon smiles to herself as she starts the car.

This is when things… just start to happen.

As the car engine revs quietly, the infotainment screen lights up as well and as it does, Wendy’s phone automatically connects to Taeyeon’s car. The screen shows two profiles, one is Taeyeon and the other one is “Seungwan.”

Wendy clicks at it right away, trying to be real slick when she hits the home button. But it appears to be too late because Yeri had already seen it.

“Oh look, your phone connected that fast,” Yeri teases, a shit-eating grin plastered on her face. “It’s like you’ve been in this car before. The profile is saved, too.”

Both the younger girls giggle teasingly, and Wendy only rolls her eyes.

Taeyeon, once again, just smiles to herself.

Apple CarPlay never forgets.

Thank God for technology.

***

Hour 1

Taeyeon feels an odd, calming feeling as she drives through the highway. It’s a four-hour drive but she doesn’t mind.

This is the first time in a long time that she’s felt at ease.

She acknowledges that it’s because of the woman sitting next to her. Wendy remains quiet as she gazes on the scenery outside, the sound of her choice ballads playing softly in the background.

Winter and Yeri are seated at the back, talking about some random kdrama that they’ve both seen recently.

Taeyeon opts to stay quiet, afraid that if she starts small talk, this bubble will burst and Wendy will remember that she’s mad at her.

For now, there seems to a white flag between them—and Taeyeon prefers that it stays there.

It means she gets a chance to glance at her from time to time, taking in what she can; re-learning the shape of her face, the way she hums to the song under her breath, and the way her eyes wander.

Taeyeon feels her breath hitch, it’s as if her body is reminding her of the things that were once hers.

It’s as if her body kicks itself for losing it all.

As they exit the metropolis of Seoul and heads into an endless highway surrounded by greenery, there’s a voice in her head that sounds a lot like Sooyoung when she lived with her during those three days she ran away from Seungwan.

You will regret this. And I’m afraid you’re gonna spend your whole life chasing after her.

Taeyeon grips harder at the stirring wheel.

Keep your eyes on the road, Taeyeon. Keep your eyes on the road.

***

Hour 2

“Unnie, did you bring snacks?” Winter asks as she pops her head in the space between the driver’s and the passenger seat.

“Which unnie are you asking?” Taeyeon asks.

“Any unnie who brought snacks?” she pouts.

“I didn’t bring any,” Taeyeon replies. “You said my only role was to drive.”

Winter nods, “Fair enough.” She then turns to Wendy and grins sheepishly, “Unnie?”

Wendy rolls her eyes softly, “I brought some but it’s in the trunk.”

Winter gasps comically and then turns to Taeyeon, “Caaaann weeeee… pull over at the next service area please?”

“We’re already behind of schedule, Minjeong.”

Winter pouts as she gives up, “Okay, fine.”

The younger girl sinks back to her heat and shifts her focus back to her phone.

“You are so strict. It won’t take long,” Wendy tells her after a few seconds.

Shocked by the way Wendy casually spoke to her, Taeyeon turns to her abruptly, “What?”

“Eyes on the road, Taeyeon.”

She shifts her head back up front toward the road, still in disbelief, “I—what?”

“Just pull over and I’ll get the snacks quickly, it won’t take long.”

Taeyeon quickly glances at the rear-view mirror and sees both Yeri and Winter smiling wide.

“I—” she hesitates for a moment. “Let’s just pull over when we exit the highway in 15 minutes, is that okay? I can’t pull over here that easily, it’s dangerous.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Wendy nods. “Do you want to eat anything?”

And it’s that softness that knocks the air out of Taeyeon’s lungs. “I—”

“I have brought some drinks, too.”

“I—” she stutters. “Just a drink will do.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

Calm down, Taeyeon. Calm down.

***

Hour 3

They’re deep into this road trip now which means Yeri has stopped complaining about Wendy’s playlist and Winter has finally stopped eating Wendy’s snacks.

There’s just quiet inside the car now. Only the low hum of the engine and the soft music playing through the speakers are keeping Taeyeon company.

The children are napping while Wendy keeps still, eyes fixed toward the view outside. She hums to the songs softly and quietly, just enough for Taeyeon to hear it. Something about it feels peaceful.

Something about Wendy just sitting across her in this car… feels right. Like all the pieces fit. Like everything and everyone is right where they belong, including Taeyeon.

There’s a slight pinch that courses through her heart, a gentle reminder of the things she’s done. Of the reasons why everything that’s here now, is not hers. And can never be hers anymore.

Taeyeon turns briefly to Wendy.

God, she misses her.

Her voice, her laugh, and the way her eyes light up when she’s telling a story.

Taeyeon sighs lightly as she shakes her head, trying to will herself back to this moment. Why did I do that? What was the reason I left?

Questions plague her mind and it all sounds like regret.

“Keep your eyes on the road,” Wendy tells her without looking at her. She must’ve sensed Taeyeon staring.

Taeyeon’s hands grip the steering wheel one more time.

“Anything you want, Seungwan,” she resigns with a heavy sigh.

***

Hour 4

They make one final stop at a local grocery store to buy a few more items.

Wendy insisted on going to the store herself so she can buy all the ingredients she needs for whatever she was going to cook.  Winter and Yeri come with her because they wanted more snacks.

Naturally, Taeyeon is left by the parking lot to herself.

She feels her shoulders relax for the first time today.

It’s in this moment does she realize how her body is still so accustomed to reaching out to Wendy. They haven’t been together for a long time and yet, the ends of her fingers still feel a natural pull toward the younger girl.

It’s almost like magnet, except it’s softer. Kinder, too. As if there is a certain completeness that her body longs for and it always, always goes in Wendy’s direction.

I walked out.

I don’t get to feel this.

I can’t want this.

Like clockwork, her phone rings. She fishes her phone from the pocket of her jacket and sees Sooyoung’s name.

That’s odd—Sooyoung only calls for two major reasons.

First is when Taeyeon doesn’t reply to the messages in the group chat. But that can’t be it because she replied with an emoji this morning.

So, it’s likely the second reason. Sooyoung calls her when she’s about to knock some sense into her.

She presses the answer button, anyway.

“Hmm,” Taeyeon doesn’t bother with the pleasantries.

“I saw Yerim’s Insta-stories,” Sooyoung opens. “Are you alone right now?”

“Yup.”

Taeyeon puts their call through the car’s speakers.

She then checks her Instagram and quickly visits Yeri’s private Instagram. Her recent Story is an eight-second clip with a view of the road and the car’s dashboard from the backseat of the car.

You could barely see them in the photo but if you know them personally, one could easily tell it’s Taeyeon who’s driving and Wendy is on the passenger seat.

The dashboard also shows the song currently playing:

Like A Flowing Wind
DAY6

Because I really love you
Maybe that's why it hurts this much

She absolutely hates Seungwan’s taste in music. She absolutely hates that Yeri totally did this on purpose.

“How are you holding up?” Sooyoung asks, a sing-songy tone escapes her lips.

She rests her head on the headrests and closes her eyes. She takes slow, careful breaths to calm herself down.

“Aside from the fact that I feel my heart crack open every time I breathe, I’m fine. Considering the circumstances.”

Sooyoung chuckles, “That’s so dramatic. Why are you even there?”

“Good question. Next,” she shakes her head.

“News flash: I know the answer.”

“Of course, you do.”

“You’re there because you want to be there.”

To this, Taeyeon doesn’t respond.

With Sooyoung, it’s better to keep her mouth shut because that woman knows her so well. Trying to argue with her is just pointless.

“See? This silence?” Sooyoung goes on. “This silence tells me that I’m right.”

“You won’t accept being wrong.”

“Because I’m never wrong.”

Again, she doesn’t respond. What do you even say to that?

There’s a few seconds where silence fills the air. She knows this is Sooyoung, giving her the space to feel her feelings.

Taeyeon, always thankful, dignifies her with a question, “Do you know why I never write songs?”

“Which answer do you want me to cite? The one you say in interviews or the truth?”

“You’re an ass.”

“This, we know already.”

Taeyeon breathes heavily, “Well, the truth is, I don’t want to write songs because I’m afraid people will know how I feel.”

“People in general or just… certain people.”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. It’s tough when someone knows you this well.

“Certain people,” she gives in.

“That makes sense, you’re not always up for talking about feelings.”

“I could always just run, right?” she asks, eyeing the entrance to the store. It somehow reminds her of all the doors she walked out of.

“Well, one thing about running is that the road comes to an end at some point.”

“I don’t know what to do,” she admits, more to herself.

“There’s levels to this,” Sooyoung tells her. “Whatever you do next is not the only thing you’ll ever need to do. Whatever it is, just make sure your actions don’t deepen the knife you already stabbed her with.”

Taeyeon gasps in disbelief, “That’s a particularly violent image.”

“Doesn’t make it any less true,” Sooyoung says matter-of-factly.

True.

She doesn’t say it out loud, but she gets it. Sooyoung never really lies to her.

Taeyeon hears Sooyoung let out a deep breath, “Okay, so, you walk into a room and you notice something’s missing. What do you do?”

Taeyeon thinks for a moment, “Look for it?”

“So, in a way, if you notice something’s missing, it’s still there, right? It still holds a space in that place.”

Ah, okay. Nope. She’s not doing this today.

When she wouldn’t answer, Sooyoung continues, “The song you’re not writing about her? It’s still a song about her.”

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Enough of that today.

***

Hour 6

“When you said camping, I expected there to be an actual tent and some nature. But this is not it,” Wendy comments, standing by the grill she just started.

She’s got one hand on her hip while the other hand holds a stainless tong, as she chats with Yeri by the fireside.

“Glamping, I believe, is what they call it,” Yeri counters with a smile. “You think Minjeong and I are going to survive in the woods?”

Wendy merely laughs as their conversation goes on.

Taeyeon, meanwhile, simply observes as she sits by the private deck next to the large, modern tent.

The space they’re renting is atop a wooden deck. The huge canvas tent is elegant and luxurious, and inside are two king beds adorned with crisp linens and plump pillows. There is no real gimmick to it.

It’s both modern and rustic, and Taeyeon finds comfort in this luxury setting. There are other tents around but they’re pretty far away from where the group is.

The outside deck is complete with lounge chairs and tables, and even a kitchenette and a grill. The overhead bulb lighting by the deck gives a soft and relaxing ambience, the warm lighting a direct contrast to the chill of the wind breezing past them.

Winter made her some tea, and the rest of the girls told her to just rest. She did just drive four hours.

As she rests by one of the lounge chairs, she keeps her eyes on Wendy. She tries to hide it, thinks she’s succeeding at being subtle, but anyhow, she stares.

The younger girl is chatting with Yeri by the grill, preparing their food for the night. There’s a sparkle in her eyes that tells Taeyeon she’s not angry, not now at least.

Perhaps she feels it, too, the utter comfort this place brings. Or maybe it’s the company. Or both? Taeyeon hopes she plays a role in that sparkle, too.

She watches Wendy’s expressions change as she listens to whatever story Yeri is telling. And Taeyeon can’t help but smile. She’s so animated, so transparent; always wearing her heart on her sleeves.

Maybe that’s why Taeyeon ran for the hills; because she knows Wendy could’ve loved her forever. And Taeyeon doesn’t really think she deserves that.

***

Hour 10

The rest of the night goes well.

They eat the tasty dinner that Wendy prepared, and they shared stories about their lives. Well, it was mostly Yeri and Winter who shared their stories. The two older women just listened and shared some advice whenever it was necessary.

It was like there was this unspoken agreement between Wendy and Taeyeon about not sharing personal stories. It really all starts with small personal stories, and then it spirals to their story.

There’s simply no room in that space for a story as big as their past.

If Taeyeon would allow hope to creep past her, she’d say Wendy had a good time.

Even if Taeyeon was there, Wendy was laughing freely. She’s not angry. She’s not glaring at Taeyeon. Wendy was talking to her like they’re old friends.

In her head, she knows Wendy was probably just being civil. After all, they’re here primarily for Winter.

Wendy has always excelled in compartmentalizing. Maybe for both of them, today was the Olympics for compartmentalizing.

And everybody wins.

***

Hour 12

It’s a little past 10 in the evening and a couple of soju bottles later, Yeri and Wendy are trying to light up a bonfire just a couple of feet away from the tent.

They’re laughing in their mildly drunk stupor, playing like kids who’ve never seen true freedom in their life.

In a way, that’s a fair description of the life they’ve had. Their youth is just as messed up as Taeyeon’s—but the adults tell them it’s simply the price they must pay for fame. Cruel, indeed. But in all the ways real.

Taeyeon films them using her phone, a memory to comeback to. Once again saving it like a bookmark.

Winter joins her moments later, bringing the last bottle of soju they need to finish.

“You have gotten good at this,” she tells Winter as the younger woman pulls a seat closer to her, putting the bottle and the shot glasses on the table in front of her.

“I cope,” she says laughingly. She then caps the bottle off and pours a shot for her and Taeyeon. “Cheers!”

Taeyeon chuckles as she grabs her share and says, “Cheers!” before downing her shot. “But you’re okay, right?”

“Generally,” a pause, “I guess, yes. Thank you for coming with us today, unnie. I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

Instantly, Taeyeon’s eyes land on Wendy who’s now trying to fan the small fire they were able to create, “It got easier as the day flew by.”

Winter nods, “She had gotten less angry. I noticed that, too.”

Taeyeon doesn’t respond to that.

Instead, she physically fights herself to look away. She takes the bottle of soju and pours another shot for herself. Then, she downs it again in one go.

She tries to change the subject.

“Earlier, when you said you get sad a lot these days, what did you mean?” she asks. “I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. Or if you’re not comfortable, just let me know. I just—I’m here, if you need someone to listen.”

Winter smiles sadly, “I really don’t know how to explain it. But the other day, I had a dream where there was a party and instead of introducing myself, I walked into the room saying sorry to everyone.”

Taeyeon’s heart start to beat fast.

“I apologized to everyone for not knowing why I exist,” she punctuates it with a sad laugh. “And weirdly enough, when I’m awake, I feel sorry a lot of times, too. For taking up space. For not knowing why it’s me that’s here.”

Something about it hits close to home. She remembers this feeling. She knows this feeling too well. She also knows there are no words she can say that will change her mind.

So, Taeyeon reaches out and holds Winter’s hand. The night is cold, but their hands are warm.

Most times, there are no words we can say to save someone from their minds. All we can do for them is to love them. Be there for them.

“Then, the yearning comes next,” Winter continues as she looks away, also now keeping her eyes toward Yeri and Wendy who are once again trying to light up the fire. For some reason, the fire they started earlier was gone. “I feel this deep sense of longing, every day. I do not want to keep saying sorry for taking up space so I want someone to love me so deeply that I will feel seen.”

Taeyeon feels tears prick at her eyes.

“I know, it’s incredibly weird to be in this industry, to have all this popularity, and still sometimes, feel—”

“Alone,” Taeyeon finishes for her. Taking away the burden of having to say it out loud.

“Mhhmm,” Winter nods. Another sigh, “If given the chance to see the future, would you want to?”

Taeyeon bursts out laughing, “Where did that come from?”

Winter laughs as well. “Unnie,” she pouts, “Answer it.”

The older woman smiles. “No,” she answers, “But I’d bargain for like, warning signs. You know. Maybe a bulb lights up when it’s the last time I’m visiting a place so I could take a hundred photos of the place. Or when it’s the last time I’m going to see someone, so I can spend more time with them. It terrifies me that I do not know when one thing ends.”

In her head, she finally pieces it together. She ends things before things could end. That way, she is in control of the situation. That way, she can decide what breaks her heart and what doesn’t.

I’m sorry, a voice whispers at the back of her head as she finds Wendy again.

This time, the bonfire is fully lit up. Both Yeri and Wendy are laughing and taking pictures, and they’re happy.

Deep down, Taeyeon wishes she could disappear, so she doesn’t ruin it.

“I want to see the future,” Winter manages a small smile. She sees the bonfire, too. She lets out a laugh, “I know this will sound so corny. I know I am young, and I have my whole life ahead of me but I think there’s something really wrong with me. I don’t think anyone could fall in love with me.”

Taeyeon turns to Winter so abruptly, “Minjeong, that’s not true. The voices in your head will sometimes lie to you.”

“I know,” she concedes. “But that’s why I want so badly to see the future. If I knew that someone could fall in love with me when I’m, like, older, maybe I can wait. I can be more patient with myself. Maybe forgive myself more often.”

Taeyeon opens her mouth to say something, but no words come out. Deep down, she understands it. All we ever really want is to be loved, and seen.

A comfortable silence settles between them.

They smile as they watch Yeri and Wendy pick up a long branch that have fallen off the trees. Then they act like they’re grilling marshmallows by the bonfire, laughing to themselves about the sheer stupidity of it.

Taeyeon and Winter find themselves laughing at it, too.

“Unnie, can I ask you one more thing?”

“Your questions are starting to terrify me,” Taeyeon laughs nervously.

“I promise it’s not about Wendy-unnie.”

“That’s awfully straight-forward.”

Winter laughs.

“But go ahead, ask.”

A beat.

And then all at once.

Winter pauses dramatically as she turns to Taeyeon, “Have you gotten everything you ever wanted?”

This, she didn’t need to think through.

Her eyes find Wendy again, and in that exact moment, Wendy finds her eyes, too. Across the threshold, their eyes find each other.

Wendy in the middle of her happiness. Taeyeon in the middle of her sadness.

How typical.

Taeyeon is getting really, really tired of being lonely.

“No,” she replies. She sees Wendy look away hurriedly and all of a sudden, there’s an ache that sneaks up at the base of her throat. “But I once got very, very close.”

***

Hour 19

Taeyeon wakes up the next day with a dull headache. She concludes it must be because of how light her sleep was.

She checks her phone for the time. 5:16, it reads.

Too early to make coffee, too early to really do anything. But she gets up anyway and as she does, she sees Winter next to her still sleeping soundly. Adjacent to their bed is the bed that Wendy and Yeri shared.

Yet, Yeri’s the only one still sleeping and Wendy—

Taeyeon looks around.

—Wendy is nowhere to be found inside the tent.

Taeyeon grabs her jacket and her cap, and puts her slippers on. She walks out of the tent, looking around in search of the other woman.

The sun’s still not up but it’s no longer dark so wasn’t hard to spot Wendy sitting by the deck, nursing a warm drink.

Now, Taeyeon doesn’t know what do with herself.

Does she walk over and sit next to her? That’s a terrible invitation to get pushed away so, no.

Go back to bed? She won’t be able to rest knowing Wendy is sitting here alone.

Go sit far away from her? That would just be awkward.

“You don’t have to stand there awkwardly,” Wendy voices out, not turning to look at her.

“I—uh…” Taeyeon stutters.

“Can’t sleep?” Wendy asks.

“Uh, no. I got some sleep.”

“Headache?”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon answers, still standing by the entrance of the tent, awkwardly fiddling at the hem of her shirt. “How did you know?”

“You always get headaches when you drink soju,” Wendy says as she stands up and walks over to one of the bags she brought in yesterday.

She grabs a small box, fumbles with it for a bit, until she pulls out what looks like a small bottle of medication.

The younger girl then walks over to Taeyeon and hands her the bottle. “Just take one with water,” Wendy tells her, looking at her briefly before forcing the bottle into her hand.

“Uh,” Taeyeon, once again, stutters. “Thanks.”

Wendy nods before she turns on her heels and goes back to her seat.

Taeyeon spends the next few minutes tentatively moving around as she grabs some water and takes a pill. Wendy stays quiet, content in just sitting there and sipping on her drink.

Not knowing what to do next that doesn’t involved not talking to Wendy or disturbing her peace, Teyeon decides she’s gonna go for a walk.

“I’m gonna go take a walk,” she tells Wendy who only nods. She doesn’t even bother to look at her.

Well, that stings.

But then she decides to wing it because what does she have to lose? Absolutely nothing at all.

“Do you, maybe, wanna—” Taeyeon starts and this is when Wendy turns to her.

“What?”

“Go with me? For a walk?” Taeyeon asks, hands secretly trembling. A rejection would hurt but it wouldn’t come as a surprise. “I heard there’s a clearing not far from here that comes with a view of the sunrise.”

She sees Wendy process it for a bit. She examines Taeyeon for a moment, probably weighing the pros and cons of going with her.

“Are you gonna abandon me in a middle of the walk?”

That cut so deep, Taeyeon had to chuckle, “Oh, wow. Okay, whew. You could’ve just said no.”

Taeyeon shakes her head and that’s her cue to take this walk alone. A rejection is one thing but just throwing things to her face is on another level. Absolutely cruel.

Yet deep down, she believes she deserves it.

She turns on her heels and exits their rental space. As she walks down the trail, she tries to keep her tears from falling.

Taeyeon knows she deserves Wendy’s anger. She truly deserves being banished from her life forever and ever—but it hurts. It hurts more than she anticipated, and it sucks because there’s a large part of her that wants to ask for her forgiveness but what if this anger is the only way she can still exist in Wendy’s orbit?

It sucks because maybe this anger was once love; and Taeyeon now knows there is nothing she wouldn’t do to go back in time and undo everything. Un-leave. Un-fuck everything up. And just simply un-hurt Wendy.

Maybe, time travel is easier than putting it all back together.

Is that what she wants? Put everything back together?

“You think so loud,” she hears a voice a couple of feet away from her. It’s soft, apologetic even. She knows who owns this voice.

She turns around to look and sees Wendy just a couple of feet away from her.

Taeyeon doesn’t stop. She walks slowly but she keeps walking. She doesn’t want to hurt Wendy even more by assuming they can take a walk together.

“I don’t know how to think quietly,” Taeyeon responds, her eyes focused on the earth beneath her.

They’re quiet for a few moments, just nature sounds can be heard along with the sound of their footsteps.

It’s almost like walking with a stranger. Almost.

“I’m sorry,” Wendy says, breaking both the silence and Taeyeon’s resolve. “For what I said earlier. That was uncalled for.”

“No, it’s fine,” Taeyeon cuts her off, unconsciously also quickening her pace. “I deserved that.”

Taeyeon’s eyes are now filled with unshed tears. She feels her feet now itching to run far, far away, “I’ll just head up the hill quickly, I—”

“Taeyeon,” Wendy calls, her steps also moving faster now, “Stop.”

Taeyeon stops on her tracks because, really, she would do anything Wendy says at this point.

Wendy catches up to her, jogging lightly until she’s finally by her side.

“It was supposed to be a joke, but I guess it didn’t translate well,” Wendy continues.

Taeyeon just manages a small smile, blinking her tears away. She hopes Wendy doesn’t see it.

They keep walking quietly next to each other for the next few minutes, once again letting the silence take over.

Taeyeon is afraid to speak, terrified to make any sound at all because it might drive Wendy away. She’s too scared to learn that even something as simple as her breath could pierce Wendy’s skin the way a knife would.

For a few minutes, it works. They walk silently next to each other and Taeyeon’s nerves slowly melt away. She realizes there’s still a version of this world where she doesn’t tear Wendy apart just by existing.

They reach the clearing and come to the end of a long road of trees until they reach a hilltop where the view of the entire forest spreads before them.

It’s so quiet, so unlike the mess of Taeyeon’s mind. The sun is almost up, now peeking far away in the horizon.

Up here, Taeyeon hopes that there is no anger. No hate. Taeyeon hopes there’s only the future where Wendy isn’t a landmine that’s always bound to explode if Taeyeon steps in it.

Taeyeon hopes for a lot of things.

“I’m sorry,” is what Taeyeon finally says. As the sunlight spreads throughout the forest, Taeyeon gathers the strength. “I’m sorry I walked away.”

She turns to Wendy who’s looking at her like she didn’t expect it.

Taeyeon continues, “I was so scared but not because we’re both girls but because all my life, not staying was the normal thing to do. That’s what worked for me always, and you made me believe that I could stay and it could work. And I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to stay without thinking you’ll hate me someday.”

Wendy breathes in, “You left so you don’t get left.”

Taeyeon chuckles sadly, “That was a nice way to summarize it.”

“You could’ve just talked to me,” Wendy says.

“What did you want me to say?”

“Don’t leave me,” Wendy cuts the chase. “If you just said that, I would’ve done that.”

Taeyeon shakes her head, “That sounds desperate.”

Wendy laughs, genuinely this time.

It takes Taeyeon a moment to process it but after a few beats, she laughs as well. It was always so easy with her.

After their laughs die down, Wendy simply breathes, “I wasn’t planning on it, you know. Leaving you. I was so stupidly in love with you that I would’ve given up everything to stay in that whole bubble with you.”

Was.

That cuts deeper than Taeyeon was prepared for.

“When you left,” Wendy’s voice shakes just a bit. “There was suddenly this hole that I don’t know what to do with. And I dug deeper into that hole hoping I could crawl out of it but all I found was anger. Some more anger and then finally, when I reached the end of that void, I realized that there was just fear. Because I know I could love you forever and we will never be in the same room again.”

“I’m sorry,” she says again. “I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I didn’t come back. And I’m sorry that I didn’t’ say I’m sorry sooner.”

“Why didn’t you?” Wendy asks. She, too, has unshed tears in her eyes.

“In a way, your anger is all I had. I didn’t think this way back then, but I knew that if I said sorry and if you forgive me, then it will be over. You and I will officially be done, and you’ll forget about me. I didn’t want you to forget about me.”

“Are you kidding? You know what’s the worst thing about it?” a pause. “The worst thing about you leaving is that I remember it. Every moment before and after it, I remember vividly that it comes up almost every day. I smell it, I feel it. And I walk around all day convinced that I’m going to be stuck in the same universe you used to love me in.”

At that, tears finally fall from Taeyeon’s eyes. A full-circle moment for the both of them.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon says for the last time. “I know I cannot undo what I have done but I want you to know that you are not lacking anything. You’re so perfect, so deserving of love. And leaving you tore my whole heart out of my body—and some days, I find myself driving by your street and I just sit there in my car for a few minutes and I imagine I’m waiting for you.”

Wendy smiles sadly, “That’s odd, ‘cause some days I stare out my window hoping I’d see your car pass by and you’ll be at my door. And it’ll be like nothing happened. Like we didn’t hurt each other, and I would’ve been okay if you had just knocked and said I’m sorry I made a mistake.”

Taeyeon’s lips tremble, feeling every part of her body just collapse with regret and despair.

In a moment of insane courage, Taeyeon decides—for the first time in her entire life—to run toward the thing that scares her the most, “C-can we start over?”

Wendy’s eyes grow wide.

“I—I know I’m gonna have to work very hard to win you back or even just win your friendship back but I’m willing to do the work. I’m willing to do everything it takes just for a chance that one day, you’ll look at me and it doesn’t break your heart,” she starts. And then it’s downhill from there, “The truth is, no one will ever be able to knock the wind out of my lungs the way you have. Not in the same, not like you.”

“That’s so dramatic,” Wendy laughs nervously.

Taeyeon smiles, a ray of hope shining through the way Wendy’s eyes glow of something else. Not anger. Not love. Taeyeon doesn’t have a name for it, but she calls it hope.

“I know. I’m desperate,” Taeyeon laughs as tears fall from her eyes.

Wendy laughs with her as she turns to Taeyeon. She brings up a hand to wipe the older woman’s tears off her cheeks. “What does starting over look like?” Wendy asks, a small smile escaping her lips.

“Don’t walk past me like a stranger,” Taeyeon clarifies. “Let me do the work.”

“You know you’re gonna have to win me back, right?”

“I know.”

“And it could not work.”

“I know.”

Wendy looks at her like she’s considering it and Taeyeon holds her gaze like she’s making a promise.

“Okay,” Wendy nods. “I won’t walk past you like a stranger.”

“That’s all I ask.”

The sun fully rises before them. The tears in their eyes start to dry. And as they make their way back to the camp, they share a silence that doesn’t look like the kind they’ve shared in the last couple of months.

For the first time in a long time, they share a silence that doesn’t sound like a funeral.

Taeyeon learns that hope, no matter how violent, can also be the thing that holds us together.

***

Hour 22

The drive home is quiet. Yeri and Winter would dare say it’s peaceful.

They exchange smiles like they know they won. Someday, if Taeyeon and Wendy end up being back together, these two will gladly take the credit for it.

For now, it’s peaceful.

For now, it’s quiet.

For now, there’s hope.

That, in itself counts as a win.

Taeyeon takes the long way home. And Wendy notices but she doesn’t say anything.

Perhaps she, too, would like to stay this moment longer.

***

Later, Taeyeon sees Winter and Yeri exchange a high five.

She finally gets it.

This, perhaps, is the universe’s way of telling her it’s listening.

Here is your chance.

Take it.

#