Work Text:
Hyunjin knew that progress was not linear. He knew that. But that didn't mean he accepted it willingly or thought it was fair. Least of all at times like this, where everything was supposed to be fine, everything was going well, he was fine... but at the same time no. At the same time no, or it was his head trying to sabotage him?
Today he had the day off, he could rest, relax, get his strength back… In fact that was what he was trying to do. That's why he wanted to draw. Drawing was the hobby in which, after so much time searching and trying, he felt most comfortable. The one that seemed to have comforted him the most and gave him a sense of security as well as a way of expressing himself.
And yet there he was, in his little studio that used to be the balcony of the room, in front of a canvas. He had spent half the morning trying to decide or look up what he could draw, and when he had forced himself to decide, he had spent the other half of the morning trying to do it.
In the end all what he accomplished was a constant fight with himself in his head. Forcing himself to do things, because those things were supposed to help him be better; but being well enough...not well enough, that he couldn't find a way to do it. But he still didn't consider today to be a bad day or to be bad. He couldn't be in a bad mood because he didn't feel that bad, right?
By logic he was frustrated, but what was going on inside him? If he tried to think about how he was feeling he felt a strong urge to cry, but as fast as it came, it went away and nothing was left. Nothing or almost nothing, because the discomfort did not leave him. That feeling that he could not put a name to, but that only resembled when you see something and you notice how certain pieces are not well fitted.
Something didn't fit, and the more I tried to figure out what, the less I got it. And the more he tried to adopt another approach, a more active one, to start drawing, for example, in order to feel better, it didn't work either. In the end, seconds, minutes and hours passed with him in front of that canvas with just a few spots without much meaning, his eyes unfocused at times and his thoughts like a fog around his head without much sense or coherence.
Progress was not supposed to be linear. Hyunjin knew that. But that didn't mean moments like this didn't frustrate him or leave him confused... longing for something he didn't know what it was.
Finally the sound of knocking on the bedroom door gave him an excuse to slightly get out of that bubble he had somehow gotten himself into. He turned his head to just watch as Minho opened the door slightly and peeked out.
“Hello," he greeted him when he had met his gaze after having searched the rest of his room with his eyes. “What are you doing?”
It was a bit of a stupid question, considering he had the canvas in front of him, brush in hand and colors at his side. However, instead of answering with what was obvious, Hyunjin responded with what he really thought he was doing.
“Uselessness," he could see the slight grimace Minho made at his response, so before giving him time to say anything, he continued speaking. “What are you doing here?”
“Jisung called me,” he had approached and placed himself next to him to lightly stroke his hair, “he told me that you hadn't left the room all morning and he thought that maybe someone needed to come to make sure you were eating well.”
At the mention of food Hyunjin realized that he might be right. He hadn't remembered. He had eaten some breakfast and brought a couple of snacks, but if he had already spent the morning, he would have to eat lunch soon. Maybe it was hunger that made him like this? Wait a minute, had he been drinking water? It was important to drink water, how could he always overlook it even when he felt thirsty? Why even basic things like that sometimes cost him, but then he could go on with his work and other things as if nothing had happened?
“Come on," Minho grabbed his hand, interrupting his train of thought and pulled him along. “I've made rabokki.”
Hyunjin let himself be guided to the kitchen and sat down almost by inertia. Minho served both plates of food and took the seat next to him so that he could continue to hold his hand while they both ate. Hyunjin noticed that this forced him to eat with his left hand. He was about to let go of him so that Minho could eat properly, but then he remembered that the elder is ambidextrous and forced himself to think that if he didn't want to shake his hand, he had let go himself. Mostly because deep down, Hyunjin didn't want him to.
They both ate without speaking, only to the background music that Hyunjin deduced the other had put on while cooking. That led him to wonder where Chan, Changbin and Jisung were. Had they gone out? Were they in their rooms?
It wasn't until they had both finished eating that Minho broke the silence.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I really don't.” He knew he really shouldn't do that. He should take advantage of being asked and express himself.
But in reality, even if he could, he didn't know what to say, how to say it. It was the same old thing, the same old thing over and over and over again. And the truth is that he was tired, very tired, and just thinking about it made him even more tired. Couldn't it stop now?
“It's okay. Right now I won't insist” agreed Minho, perhaps supposing that at this moment pressing would be worse, “what do you feel like doing?”
“Nothing," he answered automatically without even thinking about it, but he wasn't lying.
“That's fine too," Minho replied, reaching out to hug Hyunjin and make him lean back against him. Let's rest and do nothing for half an hour," he kissed the top of his head, "and then we'll see again, okay?”
Hyunjin didn't answer, he just let himself be hugged by the other and leaned against his chest. Whatever was going on inside him there it was still there, spinning meaninglessly. But he allowed himself to let go for as long as he was in the older man's arms.
“It's getting better," Minho said, "you're getting better," he assured him.
“I hope so.”
Minho made a nodding sound and tightened his grip around him. Hyunjin knew that progress was not linear. Nevertheless, he was going to make it.