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“Come back to me.”
The voice is soft and warm. There is a warm presence beside him. A light touch ghosts over his hair.
Steve didn’t know where to go. He was stuck. The voice is so enticing but how could he leave everyone behind? There is so much work to do. The world needed to be rebuilt. There were funerals to plan. Steve watched Tony fade away. He heard Pepper’s sobs. A little girl-Morgan- needed to be told her daddy wasn’t coming home. Who would do that? Pepper was a strong woman but was this asking too much of her? She’d told Tony to rest, that they would be okay. And sure, after some time, they would be but-
“Come back to me, darling.”
There is that voice again. Steve lost his train of thought. What was he thinking about? Bucky and Sam swam in his mind. Visions of Bucky falling, and Sam being shot at by humans and aliens alike flooded Steve’s mind. Everyone he loved lived such dangerous lives. They didn’t know how to be any different. And for some reason they seemed so far away. They were a distant memory. But Steve had seen them recently, right? It had only been a couple of months ago. Had it been months?
Something soft and lovely brushes across Steve’s cheek and comes to rest on his lips. They were someone else’s lips. Huh, that’s interesting, he thought. He wondered who they belonged to.
“Come back to me.” The voice was a little firmer this time. This confused Steve as he didn’t feel that he’d left any particular place. Was he lost and didn’t realize it? “Open your eyes, Steve.” His eyes fluttered open to find a beautiful woman inches from his face. Her brown eyes were so warm it made his chest ache. She was concerned for him. Her hand moved slowly to his face. He relished the touch and leaned into it slightly.
After a moment, his memory caught up. This woman was his wife. He was with Peggy. He left the others behind. He left them to clean up the mess and rebuild. Without him. A lump formed in his throat. He swallowed it down.
“There you are,” she murmured. Her hand moved to the back of his neck and kneads at the tension there. The more Steve woke up the more he realized that his entire body is coiled like a spring. His hand was gripping Peggy’s shoulder tightly, too tightly. He was using her as an anchor. His hand jerked back as if he was touching fire.
“Did I hurt you?” He gasped out and pushed the sleeve of her night gown up slightly. It was too dark in the bedroom and Steve couldn’t tell if he’s caused any damage.
“Hush,” she admonished him and placed his hand back in the same spot.
Gratitude flooded his system, and he brought Peggy into his arms. This woman never got a good night’s sleep and he was to blame. After six months, he was still having dreams-nightmares really- on a regular basis. Guilt snuck up at his most vulnerable times and wouldn’t let go. He doesn’t regret returning to Peggy, not for one second. But he left a lot of people behind and they were hard to let go. Steve comforted himself with the knowledge that they weren’t missing him. They had no idea what he’d done. And by the end of his journey, he would only be gone from their lives for a few seconds. Granted, he will be very different when he returns. But they aren’t looking for him. They aren’t missing him. He was the one doing all the missing. He kissed the top of Peggy’s head.
“Steve, your heart is racing.” She wasn’t wrong. Watching Tony die would always make his heart stammer.
“The dreams are just vivid.” He assured her and then confessed, “I wish it didn’t have to be this way.” Peggy twisted until her arm was resting on his chest.
“What do you mean?” She shifted into the pillows and faced him.
“I wish we all would have gotten a happy ending.” He ran his fingers through her hair. “Pepper is a widow. Natasha didn’t get to see us win the battle and bring everyone back. Tony…” he trailed off.
Peggy considered his words for a moment. She thought before saying what is on her mind. “You don’t have to feel guilty because you got a happy ending.”
“I don’t regret this Peggy,” he was quick to respond. She smiled slightly.
“I know, Steve. I know.”
“I’m sorry.” She quieted him with a kiss before he could start to ramble.
“Darling, you’re in mourning.” Steve’s brain screeched to a halt.
“No, Peg, I’m happy here with you.”
“You can be happy with me and still mourn what you lost.” Her gaze grew serious. “You sacrificed a lot, Steve. You gave up your entire life to come back here to me.”
“I didn’t have a life,” he smirked. “I left there to get a life.”
She laughed softly at him. “Maybe so, but you had a family. You left a lot of people behind. You don’t have to apologize for missing your family.”
“You’re my family,” he argued. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yes, darling,” she placated him. His temper flared for a moment until she started to laugh at him. Then he was confused.
“Darling, you really can be so dramatic sometimes.”
What?
“Of course, we’re a family and hopefully that family will grow soon.” Steve’s chest warmed at the idea of children. “And you wouldn’t come all this way to be married for six months and then leave.”
“Peg, I’m just trying to reassure you.” She cut him off again.
“When did I ever give you the impression that I’m the kind of woman who needs reassurances from a man?”
Steve put his foot in his mouth. “I seem to recall you getting upset when you thought I was interested in Private Lorraine.”
Her eyes narrowed slightly. “Do not say her name in our bedroom Steve Rogers.” Her tone caused his mouth to snap shut before a laugh could escape. She was gorgeous when she was jealous. He couldn’t help himself when he pulled her into a deep kiss. A satisfied smirk graced his face when he realized that he’d caught her off guard. Using this to his advantage, he tucked her smaller body under his. He pulled away just long enough to trail kisses down her neck. A soft sigh escaped Peggy’s mouth. And then she came to her senses.
“Captain!” His eyes snapped to hers. He couldn’t help it. It was a reflex. “This discussion isn’t over.”
“We can finish it in the morning,” he nuzzled her neck. Then she sat up suddenly, effectively catching him off guard this time.
“I’m serious, Steve.” Her hands framed his face. “I know how much you love me. I saw it the moment you walked through the door six months ago. I knew then, and I know now, that I’m done searching for you. I know that you aren’t going to leave me and that you don’t regret coming back to me. Okay?”
Her voice and words were so strong that it was hard to argue. But a small part of him still worried. Was he tempting fate by missing his old life? “Is it selfish of me to want it all?”
“No, darling.” One hand carded through his hair. “Is it selfish of me to be so happy that I got you back, even if it were through unfortunate circumstances?” Guilt flooded her face.
“No, Peg.” He shook his head.
“But I do feel guilty, Steve. There is a woman who lost her husband just as I got you back. She’ll never share a bed with him again. Her child will grow up without a father and mine will have theirs.”
“You had no control over that.”
“Neither did you,” she pointed out. Steve nods in agreement. According to Doctor Strange, it had to be Tony.
“It doesn’t make it any easier.” Steve admitted.
“No, it doesn’t.” She agreed.
After a moment, Steve leans back into the pillows again and eases Peggy to his side. They don’t speak for a while; just relish one another’s touch. Peggy thinks about Pepper, this incredible woman she has never met and likely will never meet. She closes her eyes and says a prayer for her. She knows it’s not enough but hopes that Pepper finds some comfort in the people Steve left behind.
“I wish you could meet them.”
Peggy hums in agreement. “Tell me about them.”
Steve chuckles softly. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Tell me about Sam,” she prompts him.
The weight on Steve’s chest lifts slightly when he thinks of his friend. “Sam is a good man, Peg. He would love you.” His voice trails off before picking up again. “Have I told you about the first time we met? I was in Washington, DC and we were running around the Washington Monument.”
They talked until the sun came up. And while both Steve and Peggy’s hearts were still heavy, they breathed a little easier with the knowledge that they had each other and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon.
.....
The room Peggy was in didn’t have any windows. It made the situation even bleaker. The control panel in front of her flickered every so often. She didn’t know what the lights meant. Col. Phillips lingers in the hallway. Steve’s voice crackles through the radio.
“You know, I still don’t know how to dance.” He confessed.
No, Peggy thinks. This can’t be happening, not again. She’d relived this moment so many times. And it broke her heart every single time.
“We’ll have the band play something slow.” She couldn’t stop it, just like she was helpless all those years ago. No no no no no no no. Not again. This wasn’t happening again.
She opened her mouth to say something but the words wouldn’t come out.
“Come back to me.” Her mouth shut with a snap. That was new. Steve never said that in real life or in any dream she’d had since the crash. Her heart thundered in her ears. It was going to happen. Any second now, the radio would cut out and he’d be gone. Again.
It was cruel, really. The way her mind refused to give her heart a break. She never got a respite from the loss. The nice dreams were rare and left her lonely. The not so nice dreams set her on edge and left her fighting sleep. One could only handle so much in a night. And yet, Peggy had the feeling that she hadn’t had this particular dream in quite some time.
Her eyes were locked onto the radio but the crash hadn’t come yet. It should have. When Steve’s voice came again, it wasn’t through the static. It was a whisper in her ear. “Come back to me, Peg.” She whipped around but no one was there. Col Phillips was missing too. Peggy closed her eyes.
Light breathing danced over her neck and shoulder. A solid, warm barrier pressed against her back. A strong hand covered hers. She opened her eyes. She was in bed, facing the wall and her nightstand.
“It’s just a dream,” Steve’s sleep heavy voice came from behind her. She shifted to face him, still not quite believing that he was really there. She cupped his face in her hand and choked back a sob. It really was a dream. But if that was a dream, then maybe this was too. Maybe she would wake to find that he was gone after all. Her brain had played that cruel trick before too. That was the hardest dream to recover from.
“Steve?” The confusion in her voice wiped any fatigue he felt. He pulled her hand over his heart. It was strong and steady. Dream Steve had never done that before. “It’s really you.” She sighed.
“Yeah, Peg.” He flashed his wedding ring at her. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”
His poor attempt at a joke fell flat. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Hey,” his tone softened. “Sweetheart, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I’ve had this dream before,” she whispered. “You won’t be here when I wake up.”
“Yes, I will.” The steel in his voice made her blink at him. No dream had ever gone down this road. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“How do I know this is real?” She asked.
“Have you ever been married in any of your dreams?” Peggy shook her head. “Have you ever been pregnant?” He moved her hand from his cheek to her stomach. Her swollen stomach. He smirked when her eyes widened dramatically.
Reality crashed down on her and guilt followed closely behind. How could she forget she was pregnant?
“Oh Steve,” she moaned. To his dismay, the crying picked up again. “Damn hormones!” She swiped at the moisture with anger. She was still rattled from the nightmare and now she couldn’t stop crying.
“Peg, you have to calm down,” he placed his hand over hers. “All of this stress can’t be good for the baby.”
“It was just a dream,” she argued and sniffled.
“You’re shaking like a leaf,” he said. “And you’re breathing heavy, Peg.”
The harder she tried to fight the emotions, the more inconsolable she became until it got to the point Steve worried she would make herself sick. He held her as tightly as he dared. Her smaller frame trembled, and erratic breathing set his teeth on edge. Since becoming pregnant, Peggy’s hormones and emotions were running rampant. He wasn’t used to his wife having mood swings or crying at the drop of a hat. It left him feeling supremely inadequate as there was little he could do to help. Just like now, he would have to wait for the moment to pass. Thankfully, they always passed.
Using Steve’s sleeve as a tissue, she dabbed at her face and drew in another shaky breath. “I used to dream about waking up in bed with you, Steve. And when I actually woke up, it was so hard to overcome.”
“I’m right here, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead and tucked her head under his chin. She was finally starting to relax. “I think that was the worst nightmare you’ve had since I’ve come back.” She nodded in agreement.
“I don’t know why they keep coming back,” she confessed and dropped a hand to her stomach again. “Maybe it’s the baby?”
“Maybe,” he agreed. He gently ran a hand over her stomach. “Everything is okay, Peg.”
“I know,” she yawned. She was exhausted and her body drooped further into her husband. “Steve, I’m so tired.”
“I’m sure,” he said. “You were restless before the nightmare started.” He pulled her back into a horizontal position.
“I don’t want to have another nightmare,” she shivered and he pulled the blankets over her shoulders.
“Just think about the baby,” he suggested. “We’ll focus on the positive. It won’t be too long now before there are three of us.”
“And then we’ll be really tired,” Peggy’s eyelids felt like they weight a ton. She felt a rumble of laughter escape her husband.
“Can’t wait,” he said. She could feel the joy in his words. It was contagious and sent Peggy to dreamland with a smile on her face. If she dreamed again that night, she didn’t remember it. When she woke the next morning, it was to her husband getting out of bed to start his day. He made a point to kiss her cheek and her belly before walking to the bathroom to shave.
Running a hand down her stomach, she took a deep breath. “Your daddy keeps the nightmares away, little one. He’ll do the same for you one day.”