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God. She thought it would get easier, but it seemed like with every passing day her eyes drifted to him more and more. And not just her eyes, her entire body seemed to be gravitating towards him. She found herself arriving at the food truck the same time as him, leaving the locker room just as he was emerging from the men’s. Fuck, she even sat in her car an extra five minutes the other morning to somehow evade him, and still ended up nearly colliding with him at the entrance.
Bit by bit he was trickling back into her life. She’d end up at their favourite coffee place, hiking the trails they’d take Kojo; she even found herself buying the beer he liked, missing how the bottles looked in her fridge.
But she knew she had to get a hold of herself. She remembered how hard it was when he first left. How she would spend nights sleeping in her car when her apartment felt too suffocating. How she would wrap her arms around herself so tight, afraid that she was going to physically fall apart, afraid that the next sob that ripped through her would cause her to tear at the seams. How she was so careful not to fall into a depression, the anxiety attacks hit her out of nowhere. Some days she felt like if she stopped her mindfulness practices for one second and allowed her mind to wander, she would spiral into an institution-worthy breakdown.
A couple of weeks after the breakup, she thought she could do it. Maybe she was healed enough to attempt a cordial relationship with him. So when the team went out for drinks, she actually tagged along. And yeah, okay, she made sure not to sit next to him, nor did she directly speak to him. But she laughed at one of his jokes, and listened along with her friends as he recounted his escapades that week.
But then he got up to get them another round of drinks, and Lucy watched from across the bar as a pretty blonde approached him, introducing herself. She didn't notice just how violently her hands were shaking, just how suffocating the lump in her throat was or how viciously her heart was beating in her chest until Nolan called out her name a couple of times, before reaching out and actually shaking her out of her stupor. She looked around at her friends' concerned faces one by one morphing into pity as they looked over to the bar, piecing two and two together. That was the cherry on the pity party cake she needed for her to stand up, chair scraping loudly. “I need to go”.
She turned around and left before anyone could object.
The tears started the moment she started her car, then the heaving sobs. It wasn't until she was parked in front of her apartment, in the back seat of her car, wrapped in a blanket, that she promised herself she would never put herself in that predicament ever again.
She decided the easiest and safest way to do that was to set herself some ground rules.
- Never speak to him outside of work.
- Never be in the same room with him alone.
- Never think about him. ever.
So the next day when he tried to break all of her rules by cornering her in the parking garage before their shift, with the intention of speaking about what happened the night before, she made sure to implement them. She put her hands up, stopping him, “ I don't want to talk about it Tim, please". He opened his mouth, hesitating and she took it as an opportunity to quickly sidestep him, making her way into work.
****
But it's been nearly a year now, surely she can allow herself the occasional daydream right? Her third rule was a bit too oppressive. Especially since, if she was honest, she never thought they'd even reach the one year mark still broken up. Hell, she never thought that they'd break up full stop. She was sure that when Tim broke up with her, it would only take a couple of weeks before they found their way back to each other. But Lucy had always been a daydreamer. So when the real world made her a little sad, when the thought of her and Tim actually being broken up for real got a bit too overwhelming, she'd retreat to her mind palace where her and Tim were still going strong. In fact imagination Lucy should be expecting an imagination ring from imagination Tim any day now.
It was harmless. Just a coping mechanism. She's over it
But was she? Because it had nearly been a year. Any normal person would have no need for a coping mechanism by now. But she found herself using all her coping tricks full force when Tim's new girlfriend comes in to meet him for lunch. As she walks across the precinct and lands a peck on Tim’s lips, Lucy immediately retreats to her world. Before her real life emotions can surface. In her world, Tim's girlfriend is a victim of a rather gruesome and embarrassing death.
And her and Tim live happily ever after.
And you know what… they could live happily ever after. Sure they were a mess, sure she had an implacable need to ‘fix’ his traumas, make him face truths he wasn't ready to face yet. And yeah, maybe she had a dire case of people pleasing that made her feel like she would die if anyone around her felt anything less than 100%. And okay, he had an alarmingly low judgement of his self worth that meant he never allowed himself to rely on anyone lest he be a burden. And we can't forget his obsessive need to protect everyone he loved from himself regardless of what they wanted.
But otherwise, they were pretty good. Really good together actually. Like the best she ever had good together. But otherwise, they were pretty good. Really good together actually. Like the best she ever had good together. They were both flawed and broken but it didn't matter when they were together. they knew each other like no one else ever did. Saw the intent, the good in each other's actions. They brought out parts of each other neither knew they had. They were harmony, peace and acceptance. Plus it didn’t hurt that their sexual compatibility was off the charts.
But seeing him with someone else really hammered home the fact that they were done. It hit her all over again, as if it was day one and she was standing in that parking lot, still glued to that spot fifteen minutes later. Scared that if she made the tiniest of movements, her world was actually going to come crashing down on her. That she would solidify what had actually happened and succumb to the pressure on her chest and throat. And now, sitting at her desk, she could feel people starting to look over at her. And it's embarrassing enough to be the girl who got dumped, but to not even have the redeeming factor of being the one who moved on first? Now that's even more embarrassing. He couldn't be courteous enough to at least let her find a boyfriend before he brought some chick over to meet his work friends.
Chivalry is dead.
And when she feels the familiar pressure behind her eyes, she immediately grabs her mug, jumps up and nonchalantly runs out the room. Because as embarrassing as it was to be the dumpee who was still not over her ex, she was not going to be the ex girlfriend who got dumped, didn’t move on first and cried when her ex brought in his new girlfriend. And of course running out was less embarrassing, because she did it nonchalantly and holding a mug so obviously shes just really excited to get a coffee from the break room.
That's where Tim finds her five minutes later anyway, back to the door, staring down at the coffee machine like it was holding the secret to happiness (which it technically did because coffee ). She immediately wipes at her eyes when she hears the door open behind her and god the universe must really hate her because of course it's him.
“it's not serious you know”
She shrugs her shoulders, not turning around. She didn't ask. She doesn't care. She's nonchalant.
Tim doesn't seem to get the message because he makes his way over to her
“Im being serious, i didn't even know she knew where i worked”
Lucy just uhu’s as she goes about pressing buttons at random on the coffee machine.
She's so nonchalant. She so doesn't care. That'll show him ( he tears in her throat means she doesn't trust herself to talk).
For some reason he carries on “i guess a part of me always thought- still thinks that we’ll-”
“Tim. stop. please.” this isn't fair. You can't just break up with a girl, move on and then still give her hope. Especially to a girl like lucy. Because lucy's stupid, she'll actually believe him. use it to allow herself to hope. to justify breaking her third rule.
He opens his mouth as if to say something before exhaling and giving her a tense nod.
She's grateful her shoulders don't start shaking until after the door shuts behind him.
***
‘Fuck im so stupid’. She thinks later on when she's in bed and the tears have been replaced with a soft smile. Because what Lucy does best is think, then think again, then think for a third time. Then she’ll overthink a bit more before it turns into rumination. Then she’ll spiral and try to turn it all around with a splash of toxic positivity. Which is where she's at now.
It had to mean something that he came to warn her that that girl meant nothing right? He wanted to comfort her, and if he wanted to comfort her he must still love her. It was just what he said, Lucy thinks, it’s the way he said it. The way his voice lilts and that pauses he takes. Everything points to the fact that he still loves her. And if he thought - thinks - that they'd end up together in the future, maybe he's just waiting for a sign from her.
She reaches for her phone
I still love you too.
And as she reads the text, her thumb hovering over the send button she realises just how stupid she's being. Having her thoughts summarised into something she could read in front of her made her realise just how pathetic she was. He's the one who dumped her . He's the one who should be giving her a sign that he wants to get back. She never told him she didn't want him. That was him. And if that wasn't enough, she's going to text him that she loves him the same day his new girl comes into work.
Why was she doing this to herself? It took her so long to get to where she was now, and even then shes a fucking mess. She doesn't know if she's madder at herself for being so pathetic and desperate or at him for being so cruel. Didn't he know how malicious he was by planting the seed of hope in her? By insinuating that he still wanted her? Did he not want her to move on? Did he know how desperate she was to be loved, so desperate that an implication of getting back together was enough for her to throw away nearly a year's worth of progress? To sit like an obedient dog at his door, tail wagging waiting for her owner to come back home.
She can't go through this again. She can't.
So she locks her phone and throws it to the end of the bed.
****
Lucy is a child of two therapists. A student of psychology. She knows this is stupid. This wont heal a broken heart. But it's been nearly a year. Journaling, talking, meditating, breathing. It's all gotten her as far as it can. This is her last resort.
She drains the last of Tim’s whiskey before wiping her mouth and tossing it in the mini bonfire consisting of the eye of newt and toe of frog et cetra et cetra. This is going to work, she can feel it in her bones. She got the spell off of tumblr for gods sake, they have all sorts of freaky witches there. This is going to erase tim from her brain and
Boom!
Ok that wasn't part of it.
She's mortified by the time the firemen have put the fire out. Thankfully there wasn't a lot of damage, just a singed eyebrow and dignity. And a black mark on the ceiling.
Her mortification is further exacerbated by the fact her ex boyfriend is one of the firemen who showed up.
“So i take it you and Tim broke up” he grins nodding towards her failed spell experiment.
“I have no idea what your'e talking about…. But yes” this is so embarrassing she's going to give those tumblr witches a 1 star yelp review. She's already writing it out in her head, a lot of f words and the word unsatisfactory thrown in there somewhere.
“Listen, i'm nearly done with my shift. You want to meet up for drinks in a bit? Catch up?”
She looks at him before giving him a smile. Huh maybe the spell worked out after all.
****
Tim crowds her as she's getting out of her car the next day.
“There's no way you're going out with Emmett”
Lucy groans rubbing her temples. She's too hungover, exhausted and mentally drained from over analysing whether waking up next to Emmett was a good or bad idea to deal with this.
“What? How did you even-”
“It doesn’t matter, lucy don't you remember how he broke up with you”
And what? “Tim this is none of your business”, she spits out between clenched teeth before sidestepping around him. He obviously does not get that she's about five seconds away from punching him in the face because he follows her.
“I'm just worried about you” he ignores her scoff and carries on “i don't get it, are you doing this to get back at me? For yesterday?” lucy stills in her tracks.
“ What?”
Tim seems to realise he's hit a nerve because he immediately starts backtracking but she's having none of it. She spins on her heels to face him before poking him in his chest.
“Firstly, what i do is no longer any of your business” she seethes, taking a step forward forcing him to move back. “Secondly you have no right to bring up our break-up okay? Not when you still haven't explained to me why the hell you left me. At least me and emmet were just a fling . We were not picking out baby names and talking engagement rings” by now her eyes are glistening with angry tears, her face flushed “and lastly just. Leave. Me. alone.” She punctuates every word with a poke in the chest before spinning back around and stomping off.
The nerve .
****
Tim is a fucking idiot. And a mess. And clueless.
He convinced himself when he broke up with Lucy he was doing this for her own good. That he was going to get help,work on himself and then win her over. A healed fixed version of himself. A version that was worthy of her love.
Instead he ended up spiralling into a depression that left him with an even sorrier excuse for self esteem than before.
And if he wasn’t worthy of her love before, this version of him was definitely not worthy of anything that she could give.
He broke up with her to save her from himself. So why was it so fucking hard to let her go. He wanted her but he didn't want her with him. And it's nor fair. And he doesn't care. But also he does care because the last thing he wants to do is hurt her more than he has.
He’s a mess.
Instead of using the breakup to get his shit together and be a better man, all he’s done so far is fuck up even more. And he can’t help it. And he knows he has no right over Lucy, now even more than before they were dating. At least before they had a teacher-mentor relationship, he could give his two cents. And he knows he has to use this as a propeller for him to get on the right track. Because hell fuck up his own life no problem, but hell be damned of he’s going to be the reason behind Lucy’s obviously stupid decisions. I mean Emmett? Even Chris would have been a better option.
Actually scratch that.
She's obviously going through something. Maybe seeing him with that girl yesterday finally pushed her over the edge. He needed to get it together, not just for him but for Lucy’s sanity. He lets out a deep breath before opening a new doc and titling it
Tim Bradford 10 Step Plan to a Better Life :
He taps his chin, thinking before typing
Step 1:
- Therapy
He sits back smiling. That's a good first step. Now on to step two. He nibbles at his lip deep in thought before going back to his Doc title and editing it
Tim Bradford 10 1 Step Plan to a Better Life :
Yep. That’ll do it. He’ll win her back in no time.