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Chapter Text

  Anthony 2023

"Why am I hearing that you haven't written anything in months?"

Anthony narrowed his eyes at Kate over the top of his book as she burst into his study a blast of frozen air following her into the warmth.

Anthony scoffed, shifting his feet awkwardly where the rested in the edge of his desk. He turned the page officiously so she wouldn’t see what he’d been looking at. The dedication with her name written in beside it. "Who told you that?"

"I have my sources," Kate hummed. She dropped her handbag on the velvet sofa in the corner, followed by her thick woollen coat. Kate raised her eyebrows and stared him down as she tugged her leather gloved off finger by finger. Expecting him to say something. 

She’d been fixing him with that look for a decade, ever since they’d met at Oxford and her gaze had seemed to dare him to incriminate himself with his opinion of Chaucer. And still it worked.

“Making yourself at home, I see.”

Kate’s eyes sparkled as she swatted his feet with her gloves so there was space for her to perch herself on the edge of his desk. Anthony forced himself to keep his eyes nonchalantly on the page and very far away from her stockinged legs under her skirt as she crossed them.

“I know you’re a very important person, but if you have time to read your own novel,” She flicked the cover with a painted fingernail. “You have time for a little old friend like me.”

A little old friend?

Anthony’s stomach churned uncomfortably at her description, so far from what he actually wanted from her. That was another thing he’d been warring against while Kate laughed and smiled, and hid in the library with him before they went home and dated other people. Not that that was her fault. She’d never wanted him to say anything, so he hadn’t. Until he’d given her that fucking book. And she’d ignored even that.

Anthony ignored her glib comment.

"Benedict is not a reliable source of information." Anthony tutted, trying to push down the way his heart fluttered in his chest at just the sight of her. Just as it had since he was eighteen.

Stop it, she doesn't want you. You know she doesn't. She’s made that so clear at this point.

Kate stared at her boots distractedly, as if this conversation was of no importance. But she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t. "It wasn't Benedict."

"Daphne isn't either." He adjusted the glasses sliding down the end of his nose, flicking the page he hadn’t read. “God, this is well written. The man’s a genius. How did you even get in here?"

Kate waved her hand vaguely, "Someone left the door open for me. It’s very well edited as well, I hear.”

"Fucking Greg." Anthony hissed, finally setting down his book with a snap. "Well, they're wrong. I'm writing all the time, constantly, can't stop me."

You fucking liar. You haven't written anything since that dedication.

He'd stared at that dedication for hours, Sure, she'd realise what she hadn't already, the moment she saw the dedication: That every word of that book was written for her, about her. A love letter that he'd sunk his entire being into until it breathed off the page. Until every ounce of ink poured into it felt as though it had lived its own life. Just the way that every beat of his heart around her felt as though it lasted several lifetimes. His love living and dying thousands of times a day. She must have known, everyone else did. They asked him about it in every interview, Who is it for? Who is she? His family sent one another glances whenever he mentioned his uni friend turned editor. Her own sister had raised her eyebrows just the other day.

"How was Sarah today?"

"Who?"

"Don't fucking pretend, Anthony."

She had to know that Snow Filled Paper was for her. Hell, the title was about the short story she'd written at Oxford that he still thought about every day of his life. He'd plucked it from the bin where she'd left it on the way out of class and it sat folded in the front of the book in front of him even now. The one that was hers. And she hadn't said anything. Nothing. Because she didn't know what to say. She didn't want him, so why should he care?

"Show me some pages then." Kate said bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I don't have to show you my pages!" He said, a little affronted, well aware that he didn't have anything to show, even if he wanted to.

"I'm your editor." She rolled her eyes, flicking his ear. “Contractually you actually do have to give me your pages. You do remember how the process works right?”

Anthony shot her a sarcastic expression, “I’m familiar with it, Kate. Thank you. Not to worry, Aubrey will get their book.”

Kate checked the heavy watch on her wrist that had been a gift from her parents when she’d graduated top of their class. Another thing he’d stolen for Sarah. Another thing she’d recognised and ignored to maintain the status quo of their relationship. Author and Editor. A matched set. Partners in every way but one. “Will they? The first three chapters are due in… 19 days, 21 and a half hours.”

“Breitling still keeping excellent time.” Anthony tried to change the conversation. “Maybe I need a new watch.”

Kate’s lips twitched, “I like your Lightning McQueen one.”

“He is a classic.”

Kate nudged his glasses back up his nose for him, the casual touch making his cheeks flush. “Nice distraction but let me give you a refresher. You, Author, twice a finalist for the Booker Prize and rumoured to be on the long list again for Snow, write your little words on your annoyingly antiquated typewriter.” She leaned over and typed F-U-C-K-E-R on the typewriter in front of him, winking when he rolled his eyes. “You then insist on dropping them off to my office and taking me to lunch, even though everyone else just couriers them to me. Then I take out my little red pen, full of the fries I’ve stolen off your plate and I dash your hopes and dreams. That’s the editing process. It’s what I do for money.”

"Well, edit someone else!" He scoffed, "I'm sure T F Dickhead is writing you mystery novel after mystery novel to wade through. He’s got enough to fill an entire section at Waterstones! Surprise: The Gardener always does it!"

“I'm going to ignore that because it seems like you actually know a lot more about them than you’re actually letting on, and Ben will tell me when we have coffee next."

“God damnit, Ben!” Anthony hissed, making a mental note to throttle his brother later. “He is such a tattle tale! And why are you having coffee with my brother?”

She tossed her hair over her shoulder, “Because we knew one another even when you and I were at uni and he tells me how hopelessly depressing his love life is. And it makes me feel better about the fact that my love life is fucking non existent.”

Anthony tried not to react to it. “Another thing I’m sure TF Dickhead could help you with.”

He failed. He was not a perfect person.

“What is your problem with Tom Dorset?” Kate chuckled, “Are you trying to distract me?”

“I don’t need to distract you. There’s nothing to distract from. My typewriter’s bloody burnt out I’ve been writing so much. I’ve run out of paper, I’ve had to get Reginald serviced. My cup overfloweth with poetic multitudes, Kate.”

She nudged him with the toe of her knee high boots. “Show me the cup then, Ant.”

"No. I'm busy!"

"You have a can of Pringles resting on your stomach and Made in Chelsea is playing reruns on your TV."

"It's called a creative process, Kate! And these are a limited edition flavour for your information. This is practically science you’re interrupting here!"

"Anthony.” Kate said firmly, her eyes serious. “You haven't written anything."

No. And I don't want to ever again.

He’d sat down to write so many times these last few months. He’d stared down at the keyboard of his typewriter and willed himself to write something, anything and nothing had come. It had never been a problem for him before. If anything he’d never been able to stop himself from writing. He’d kept a notebook by his bed and in the bathroom for stray thoughts and lines of dialogue that came to him wherever he was. He’d woken with scenes written in their entirety inside his head, just waiting for him to put it to paper. But now it was gone. He’d put so much of himself into that book for her. He’d given too much of himself to something that hadn’t mattered and now he had nothing else to say. Finally silenced. 

“Kate, Kate Kate.” Anthony sighed, leaning back in his chair as nonchalantly as he could, “When you’ve reached my level of skill and acclaim; you don’t need to write it down.”

Kate raised her eyebrows, “You see, I think you do if you want people to read it. You see, that’s how publishing houses, like the one I work for and you do as well really, make money.”

“Is it?” Anthony feigned interest, “Maybe I should watch a documentary about how printing presses work. Wouldn’t that be fascinating?”

“Anthony,” Kate sighed, her brow furrowed, “Are you okay?”

Anthony’s stomach churned at the concern in her voice, “Of course I am. Why would I not be?”

“You’ve just been… I don’t know. You’ve been avoiding press, and you usually love talking about what a genius you are.”

“I’m on a humility kick.” Anthony mused, picking his book back up, “I’m eat, pray, love-ing.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“Did Greg tell you that when you bamboozled him into leaving the front door unlocked and leaving me susceptible to home invaders after my disgusting wealth?”

“There’s that stunning humility. What’s going on?”

“Ask Greg about it. Since you’re such buddies.”

“Anthony, you haven’t returned any of my messages in three weeks.”

There was hurt in her voice now, and her fingers twisted her gloves tightly in her hands and Anthony hated seeing it. 

He’d told himself after the initial rounds of interviews and that semi-disastrous Graham Norton appearance where he’d nearly revealed far too many details about Kate that this would be the end. He’d take a step back and keep this relationship strictly professional. No more lunches together. No more sitting in pubs until last call with their siblings, arguing about every book in existence. No more pining after a woman who would never love him the way he wanted her to. 

“I’ve just been busy, Kate. You know, Daphne just had the baby and I’m trying to help out and… you know, Ben’s a disaster and he needs my help because I’m such a well adjusted adult.”

She smiled but it didn’t quite reach her eyes when she nudged him. “I miss my friend, Ant. I know we fell out of touch once before but I… You’re my best friend and I miss you.”

Anthony swallowed, “I’m your best friend? God, you’ve fallen a long way since Oxford, Kit. You used to hate me.”

She shook her head, “I never hated you.” Her lips twitched, “I hate that you’re pretending you don’t have writer’s block though.”

And finally, he said it out loud. “I have writer’s block, and I have no idea what to fucking do about it.”

Chapter Text

Anthony 2013

“Look out!”

Anthony called out seconds before he collided with the girl sat in the corner of the courtyard. The frisbee connected with his hand as he dove for it and the girl let out a startled shriek as he fell on top of her.

“What the fuck?!” She swatted at him with the book she’d been holding and he couldn’t quite make out her face with his glasses having landed somewhere in the grass which he landed against with a thud. “You fucking moron!”

“I said Look Out!” Anthony said a little indignantly, feeling around for his glasses on the ground. “I’m sorry!”

“You’re sorry?! You nearly kicked me in the teeth.”

Anthony found his glasses, tucking the frisbee under his arm as he looked at her, ducking the heavy book swatted in his direction one more time. “Hey! That’s bloody heavy!”

“Well get off me!”

Anthony scrambled to his feet and his stomach swooped uncomfortably at the sight of her. She was beautiful. Her dark hair tumbled around her face in tight curls held back by a pair of glasses perched on the top of her head and her brown eyes were wide with the surprise of his intrusion. Her lips parted as the incredulousness of her expression grew and something in his chest seemed to recognise her though he had no idea what it was.

His hand shot to his hair, smoothing it down desperately. “Hi! Hi! I’m sorry, my um… my friend’s a dickhead.” 

He jerked his thumb back at Simon who was tying back his locs with a unapologetic grin on his face and Anthony shot him a rude hand gesture. 

The girl’s eyes narrowed, “Your friend didn’t crush me with his body like a stampeding rhino.”

Anthony felt his cheeks flush, “But he… threw the frisbee.”

She looked at him as though she thought he’d lost his mind. “Okay, well.”

She seemed to be waiting for him to leave and turned pointedly back to her book and sliding her glasses back on to read but Anthony didn’t leave. Something in him felt rooted to the spot. 

“Sorry,” She looked up at him in annoyance, “Can you like… go?”

Anthony dropped to the grass in front of her instead, peering at the book she was reading. “What are you reading?”

She raised her eyebrow in annoyance, “It’s… Wuthering Heights. It might be a bit above your reading level. But that depends on how many frisbees you’ve taken to the head.”

Anthony barked out a laugh and peered curiously down at the page, cramped handwriting written in the margins. The words were highlighted and underlined and crossed out, Bronte’s thoughts mixing seamlessly with hers on the page. “I’ve read it, thanks. Loved it, it’s one of the greatest love stories ever told.”

The girl snapped the book shut, “Now I feel like you’re just trying to goad me into conversation.”

Anthony drew back in surprise “I… wasn’t? I think a lot of people agree with me?”

“Well, a lot of people are idiots.” The girl tutted, “People think cruise control means you can make tea while you drive. People aren’t the best judge of things.”

Anthony chuckled, “What are you studying?”

“You’re not going to leave me alone are you?”

“If you tell me what you’re studying I will.” Probably a lie.

“English Language and literature.” She said, leaning back against the tree behind her and Anthony brightened. 

“Me too! We’re on the same course!”

He would have thought he’d remember this girl from his classes but it was only the second week, and he hadn’t been paying a great amount of attention to his fellow student. He usually sat somewhere in the middle of the theatre and wrote in his notebook, paragraphs of words that came to him. 

She raised an eyebrow, humming sympathetically. “I don’t think so. You see, for one thing, I’m on course to actually finish.”

Surprised laughter burst out of him, “You’re very prickly.”

“And yet, here you still are.”

“Anthony! Are you ever fucking come back?” Simon clapped him on the shoulder as he stared down between them curiously, “Sorry about him.”

“You hardly need to apologise for me.” Anthony said a little peevishly, trying to tell Simon to bugger off with his eyes. 

“Well, apologising a little wouldn’t hurt.” The girl sighed, turning back to her book, clearly ready to eviscerate it again. “You did get dirt on my book.”

“You don’t even like that book.” He countered, smiling at her. 

“That doesn’t mean it’s not a book. It should be treated with a bit of respect.”

“Finally something we agree on.”

The girl looked at him incredulously and shoved the book in her satchel. “Okay, if you’re not going to leave me alone; I’ll go.”

“Woah!” Anthony scrambled after her, still not able to let her go just yet.”Do you um… maybe want to study together some time?”

She scoffed, “Yeah, no thanks. If you think this is a love story; I’m not interested in any of your other opinions.”

Anthony scoffed, “It is a love story!”

“It tore them apart! They were miserable!”

“That was the point of the characters!”

“I-” She sighed, “I’m going to go now.”

“Who that hell are you?!” He called at her retreating back, irritation flickering in his chest.

“You don’t need to know!”

“Unlucky there mate.” Simon chuckled, snatching the frisbee up, “Looks like nearly trampling girls to death doesn’t make them want to go out with you.”

Anthony rolled his eyes, “I wasn’t even trying to ask her out.”

Simon looked at him doubtfully, “Yeah, sure. Because I always accost women in public for no reason. I think it makes me seem like a really neat guy.”

Anthony kicked at his friend who dodged it easily. “You’re a dickhead. We’re just on the same course, I was making friends. Even if she had a completely wrong opinions about Brontë.”

“Yeah okay. Just keep the sock on your doorknob Mate. I’m not looking to see your bare arse again.”

“That was…” Anthony spluttered, “You said you wouldn’t be in the flat and I had forgotten my towel!”

_________________

He hadn’t been looking for her. Or at least that’s what he told himself when he scoured the cafeteria over the weekend, and looked up every time the bell above the door of the pub tinkled to see who was coming in just in case it was her. It wouldn’t be, of course it wouldn’t be her. And why would he even want it to be? They’d shared a two minute conversation during which she’d managed to call him stupid a number of different times in an exciting variety of ways. 

And still, he’d found himself sat behind the typewriter his father had given him for his birthday two years ago, the keys clacking rhythmically as he wrote about anything. But kindly it wasn’t about anything. Mostly it was about her, in some way or another. Or rather, the feeling of her. The feeling of confusion and inadequacy he’d felt in those moments when she’d argued with him even in such a tiny way. In less than a hundred words she had him sat behind his typewriter. 

He arrived at his class on Monday morning late on purpose. Purposely slipping in just ahead of the professor who looked sternly at him.

“I hope this won’t become a habit, Mr Bridgerton.”

Anthony smiled easily, “It ah… it won’t sir.”

He let his eyes glance over the other students while the professor set up his presentation, seat by seat, row by row and- there she was. She was staring straight ahead, straight through him in  a far too pointed manner, not looking at him. 

He counted quickly in his head then glanced at the assigned seating chart quickly counting again before he took his seat several rows in front of hers and waited. 

“Hey! Kate Sharma!”

He saw her shoulders freeze as she strode down the stairs, the sleeves on her sweater pulled down low over her hands but she kept moving and Anthony pushed through the crowd after her. 

“Kate! Don’t make me throw a frisbee at you!” That got her. 

She spun around so quickly it caught him a little off guard, her eyes flashing with anger. “What?! Do you always threaten people you don’t know?”

Anthony clicked his tongue, “I do know you a little bit. We’ve met before and I snuck a look at your name this morning.”

“Oh!” Kate gasped, “Why didn’t you say?! We’re practically best friends because you’re a fucking stalker!”

“Yeah if I knew your middle name we’d be allowed to braid each other’s hair and take magazine quizzes.”

A smirk flickered across her lips but it was gone as quickly as it came. “Oh I think you already know it.”

He lifted his eyebrows. “Oh god, it’s Heathcliff isn’t it.”

She clicked her tongue, walking backwards out of the room, “It’s FuckoffAnthony.”

Anthony laughed, an able to help himself as she threw the barb at him, “Kate FuckoffAnthony Sharma. God that’s beautiful. Your parents are true wordsmiths, no wonder you want to be a writer.”

“Who says I want to be a writer?”

“Doesn’t everyone here?” He could hardly imagine anything else, he’d wanted this for so long. 

“No, some of us actually just enjoy the written word.”

“Do you? If you’re not a Brontë fan.”

She seemed to not want to dignify him with an answer but eventually her worst instincts seemed to win out and she couldn’t help herself. “I didn’t say I wasn’t a fan.”

He gaped at her. He’d replayed the tiny snippet of their conversation again and again and he knew what she’d said. Was she just trying to be contradictory? “You bloody said you hated it on Friday!”

“I said I didn’t like it, I didn’t say it wasn’t good. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive, good luck learning the power of critical thinking this year.”

“You don’t even know me.” Anthony tutted, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “I could be a literary genius.”

She laughed, and the noise caught in his chest, fluttering there, living on long after it had stopped echoing in the stone corridor as they made their way outside. “Jesus fucking Christ! I could be a literary genius. I’m gonna make note of that, thanks Anthony.”

“I’m a good writer!” He felt indignant now. Half wanting to open the notebook in his bag and show her what he’d written during class to prove that she was wrong. “I’ve won prizes!”

Her lips twitched in a smirk,  “Cute. Love that for you.”

“You’ll see this name printed on books one day, I promise.”

“And when I move it aside in the bargain bin at an airport, I’ll think of this conversation fondly.”

He couldn’t believe the sheer fucking audacity of this girl. This unfairly beautiful girl but that was hardly the point. 

“I can fucking analyse anything better than you can!” Anthony hissed at her, his cheeks burning as he snatched his copy of Wuthering Heights from his bag. “And I thought maybe you’d want to get coffee, and I can make my case for why this is a love story not a tragedy.”

Kate stared down at the book in his hands for a long second, “Did you… spend this weekend going through that book just to prove me wrong?”

“Yes, obviously.”

An odd look crossed her face before she stepped back, “No, thanks. Glad I got into your head though. I look forward to sparring with you in class some time.”

She turned on her heel and left, jogging across the grass towards where a tall man was waiting for her. He waved and she wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her lips lightly against his. The guy pointed towards Anthony and she shook her head, shrugging a little before they walked away. And it shouldn’t have mattered, but when he threw his book back in his bag he felt just a tiny bit stupid.

Chapter Text

Kate 2023

“Kate,” Lucy’s voice crackled through the intercom, “Anthony’s here for you.”

She hated that her heart fluttered in her chest when she looked up and saw Anthony smiling at her through the glass walls of her office. Kate sighed as she capped her pen and took off her reading glasses, waving Anthony through into her office. 

“You’re early.”

Anthony clicked his tongue and ruffled his hair, already tousled by the wind outside and flopped into the seat across the desk from her. He tucked the beanie she’d made him a few months ago into his navy peacoat and pushed his wire rimmed glasses up his nose. “Well, it’s not as though I’m doing something else is it? Isn’t that kind of what this lunch is about?”

Her stomach dropped even as he stared at the bookshelf to his left, Snow Filled Paper in pride of place with his signature in gold stark against the cover. Anthony’s lips curved in a smirk and he leapt back up to his feet, his eyebrows raised “Kate Sharma, you have a signed copy of my book.”

She felt her cheeks flush and she rolled her eyes to cover it, “You know I’m a fan of your work. I give you good notes all the time.”

Anthony scoffed, “Kate, you have been eviscerating me from the second we met. Forgive me if I’m basking in the fact that you stole one of the copies I signed at the book launch for yourself.”

Why did she have a signed copy of this book? God, every time she looked at it the dedication rang through her head and she hated it.

For Her, who’s not afraid of anything. I don’t want to be either.

She knew it from memory. She knew almost every line of the book from memory.

She’d waited for every chapter of it to be delivered to her, typed from his ancient typewriter, the ink barely dry on the pages. Every single word had been written with such care, the character of Sarah had been written with so much love and adoration that it had made her heart flutter and her stomach clench and stupidly, so fucking stupidly for a moment she’d thought that there had been a hint of herself in her this character. 

She’d thought it, hoped for it as some sort of sign that Anthony wanted the same thing for their relationship as she did. She’d thought that maybe he felt the same way she did. She’d thought it right up until she’d read the dedication. 

And she’d known deep down that this book wasn’t for her. 

Kate spent her entire life terrified of doing anything, terrified of changing anything, paralysed by indecision and begging for consistency. This book had been written for someone else. This book was written with tiny moments of the life that she and Anthony had shared together, used to show that he had wished he’d lived those moments with someone else. And Anthony had barely looked at her since. 

That was the part that hurt most. Anthony had written the most beautiful book she’d ever read for someone else and still she loved every moment of it. Still she’d looked at the stack of books he had signed at the book launch, stacked on the table before anyone had even arrived and her finger had traced his signature, gold stark against the field of snow. 

“I won’t tell him if you take one.” Lucy had chuckled, “I think we both know his ego doesn’t need it.”

Kate had chuckled, but she’d picked one up anyway, the book she’d helped him perfect, written out of love for someone else. She’d taken it to work the next day and placed it on the stand in front of the rest of her books though she’d hated the constant reminder of it. Of the unrequited love that she couldn’t quite seem to shake. 

There was a cruel sort of irony in it, she supposed, that when they’d first met she’d been sure he was trying to flirt with her and she’d taken one look at him and rolled her eyes, thinking how ridiculous he was. Shallow, probably, she’d thought. And now here she was, ten years later and hopelessly in love with him. While he was in love with someone else. It might have been kinder to herself if she accepted the fact that he hadn’t returned her calls and he’d told her he was busy every time she’d mentioned she wanted to try a new restaurant or get coffee, but part of her couldn’t let go of the friendship they shared. If this was all she ever had of him, selfishly she wanted to keep it for herself. She wanted to keep taking him to her grandfather’s birthday party, and keep spending evenings with their siblings in pubs, arguing and bickering while they played darts. She wanted to hold on to the version of Anthony who was almost hers. 

Kate shrugged, “I have a copy of every book you’ve written. This one might be worth a lot one day, maybe I’m just trying to retire early.”

Anthony rolled his eyes, setting the book neatly back on its stand before peering over her shoulder at the printed pages in front of her. She held her breath as he leaned closer, the smell of his cologne almost as overwhelming as the heat from his body. 

“What are we reading? T F Dickhead? Is it yet another eye-rolling manifesto where a man nearly gets away with domestic violence?”

Kate narrowed her eyes, “He really fucking bothers you doesn’t he?”

“I just find him very uninspired.”

“He only has nice things to say about you. Thinks you’re a real inspiration.”

Anthony’s face fell, “Why would you say something that mean to me?”

“I couldn’t resist teasing.” She sighed, pushing back from the desk, “That’s not his though. It’s a submission we’re considering picking up.”

Anthony beat her to the coat rack in the corner holding out her coat for her to slip into. “Any good?”

Kate sighed, picking up her gloves and her handbag, “I’m actually pretty relieved you’re early. That section was fucking slow. I’ll never understand why people think everything needs to happen in the last 150 pages.”

“I know!” Anthony said, pulling out his beanie from his pocket, “Daphy’s reading these books right now about… faeries. And I tried it, I tried three times, Kate! Nothing happens until the last quarter! It’s just poor planning.”

Kate chuckled, loving the way his face lit up at the opportunity to discuss the thing he loved most. Maybe even more than Sarah. “I seem to remember your first book having some pacing issues.”

She tapped her gloves on the side of his head as they paused at Lucy’s desk. “Lucy, I’m taking Kate out for lunch, she’s clearly delirious from hunger. She’s firing shots at my novel.”

Kate tried to bite back the affectionate smile that fought its way to her lips but she knew she failed when Lucy raised her eyebrows. “Can I get you anything while I’m out, Lucy?”

Lucy sighed, “I have lunch with me today, unfortunately.”

“Just coffee then.” 

“Greggy says Hi, by the way.” Anthony cut in and Kate watched curiously as Lucy blushed, fiddling with a notepad on her desk.

“Oh well, um… hi to Greg.” 

Kate waved as they turned to walk towards the lift, muttering as they waited. “Give me the tea, then. What’s going on with Gregory and Lucy?”

Anthony smirked, tugging his beanie on, “Gregory has informed me that Lucy Abernathy is the future Mrs Gregory Bridgerton.”

“Oh the mother of his 14 children,” Kate hummed, “Do we think she knows?”

Anthony clicked his tongue as they stepped onto the lift, “He told me he’s willing to downgrade the number of children he wants to have if she’s, and I quote; not down.”

Kate laughed, jostling against him. “Oh it’s true love then. Has he even asked her out?”

“Hey, it can be true love even if no one ever makes a move.”

Kate’s stomach swooped and she looked at him from the corner of her eye, “Do you really believe that?”

Anthony adjusted his glasses, a strange expression on his face. “Sure, it can be real, even if only one of you feels it. Doesn’t mean it’s not love.”

Kate twisted her gloves in her hands, staring down at them as the lift door opened. “Right.” She cleared her throat, tugging on her gloves as she stepped outside. “Very sweet of you to wear my present by the way.”

Anthony touched the soft blue wool, the grey pompom bobbling, “Well, you’re a gifted artist Kate. I need a scarf to go with it.”

“Well, write me a book and I’ll make you a scarf, Anthony.”

The restaurant was quiet, and it didn’t matter so much anyway, Kate supposed. They had lunch together so often that this wouldn’t arouse any real suspicions. It was almost more surprising that she hadn’t seen a single picture of Anthony and the woman he was so desperately in love with.

“So,” Kate cleared her throat, taking a sip from her water glass while Anthony stared at the menu, despite the fact they both knew exactly what he would order. “You have writer’s block.”

It wasn’t the most gentle way to start a a conversation but Kate hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since yesterday. It seemed impossible that Anthony couldn’t think of a single thing to write. Ever since she’d known him he’d never been without a notebook. He’d somehow passed uni ignoring everything that was said, instead scribbling his own thoughts as though he’d forget them if he didn’t do it that very moment. She’d always wondered what he was writing. She’d wondered where he went when he trailed off mid sentence and scribbled a few phrases down on his arm when he didn’t have paper. And now apparently he didn’t have anything else to say. Maybe he’d said everything he needed to. Maybe he was complete now that he had someone else.

Anthony dropped the menu to the table, “I think other editors and book agents usually stroke the ego of us tortured artists a bit more.”

Kate’s lips twitched, “If you wanted someone to stroke your ego you wouldn’t have come to me.”

“I actually didn’t come to you.” Anthony reminded her, “I went to Ben, and he betrayed me.”

“Same same.” Kate drummed her fingernails against the table, “Are you…? Are you retiring?”

She didn’t know why the idea of that stung so much. As if it would ruin the special connection they had if he did. If he became completely this other woman’s. 

Anthony ruffled his hair, “No. No, I want to write I just… I don’t know.”

“We both know you actually don’t need a job anyway. And your books have made… honestly both of us pretty wealthy.”

Anthony nodded slowly, “Can we just… talk about something else?”

“I don’t think we should, Ant.” Kate sighed, “I… This is… you can’t just pretend this isn’t happening.”

“I’ve been pretending pretty well so far. I’ve watched a lot of Taskmaster. Do you think I can go on that? Like the New Year’s special?”

“As hilarious as that would be: Stop changing the subject. Write me a six sentence story.”

Anthony’s face twitched at the game they used to play. “I don’t have my notebook.”

Kate took a piece of paper and a pen from her handbag, “Good thing I came prepared.”

Anthony stared at them as she slid them across the table as though she’d just put a dead rat in front of him. “My hand has a little cramp.”

Kate rolled her eyes, “Say them out loud then.”

Anthony bit his lip, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Kate, I don’t know how helpful this is.”

“You don’t even want to do that? Jesus, being in love has really done a number on you.”

She wished she hadn’t said it the moment it left her lips. Anthony’s face dropped, something like hurt flashing over his face. 

“Anthony, I didn’t mean-”

“That’s what you think? I just… shouldn’t be in love and that’ll fix all of my problems?”

Kate swallowed, not really sure what to say. “Anthony, I think that this obviously started after you finished your last book.”

Anthony chuckled, “Right, well, I’ve tried not being in love and it hasn’t worked so… maybe I’ll just… retire.”

It was so awful to see him like this, so despondent, without the passion that had always drawn her to him. And she couldn’t help herself.

“Well, we just need to find something to inspire you again.”

Anthony raised his eyebrows, “And what would that be?”

She shrugged, “ I don’t know. We could always shag, you used to find a lot of inspiration from women at uni.”

Anthony’s face twitched before a smile appeared, “Fuck off, Sharma.”

“Ahh there he is.” Kate chuckled, no mater how much the joke cost her. “I’ll come up with a list. If we do everything on the list and you still don’t want to write; you can return if you want. Deal?”

Anthony stared at her hand between them, his brow furrowed, and finally he took it. “Deal.”

Chapter Text

Kate 2013

“Hey! Kate FuckOffAnthony Sharma!”

Kate nearly groaned at the sound of his voice, as she strode down the corridor her sneakers squeaking against the stone as she tried to disappear quickly into the crowd.

What the fuck was it with this guy? 

It had been weeks since Anthony Bridgerton had stampeded her as she sat quietly, scribbling on an already dogeared paperback book. She’d hardly thought twice about him, outside of rolling her eyes when she was one the phone to Edwina.

“No, I haven’t made any friends. Because this is university, Eddie. I’m not really here to make friends.”

Edwina had tutted disappointedly, “Except for the fact that if you ever actually want to be a book editor is might pay to know some of the people who’ll be writing the books.”

Kate paused, unwilling to acknowledge her sister’s point. “Well, if they’re anything like the dickhead who trampled all over me yesterday; I don’t think any of them are going to be writing anything of note. No Pulitzer Prize winner’s in there.”

Edwina chuckled, “Why am I just now hearing about a man who stampeded you?”

“Because there’s absolutely nothing to tell? And I wouldn’t refer to an eighteen year old delightedly playing with a frisbee like an overgrown cocker spaniel as a man, actually.”

“I think an overgrown cocker spaniel is a springer spaniel.”

“Did Mum and Dad have you purely to undermine me at every turn?”

“Want me to ask them for you?”

“I think we’re good.”

“MUM!” Edwina screamed down the other end of the phone, “Kate wants to know why I was born!”

Kate could hear Mary moving around on the other side of the phone before her warm voice echoed down the line. “Truth be told, Darling, she was a bit of an oopsie baby.”

“Mum!” Edwina snatched the phone back as Kate cackled, the noise ringing through her dorm room. 

“I can’t say you didn’t deserve that.”

Edwina grumbled, her footfalls heavy on the stairs, “Whatever, just tell me you haven’t only been hanging out with Dan.”

Kate rolled her eyes, “You don’t need to say his name like that.”

“I didn’t say his name any particular way.”

“You did.”

“Well, maybe you’re projecting because you know he’s honestly the absolute worst.”

“Have you and Appa been talking about this?”

Edwina clicked her tongue, “It’s almost all we talk about. He absolutely cannot stand Dan.”

“I know,” Her father hadn’t exactly made that a secret when he’d had to pick Kate up from their graduation party because Dan was passed out in a garden bed. “But he’s… he’s not any worse than someone who would stampede me!”

Kate had honestly thought she’d probably never have to interact with him again, Anthony Bridgerton, who already had so many of the girls on their course giggling behind their hands when he and his friend drove up in that stupid sports car, his hair messy from the wind running through it, his glasses slightly askew as he through his backpack over his shoulder. 

And then he’d sought her out again, holding his copy of Wuthering Heights in his hand, ready to debate it with her. She had no idea why that sparked something in her chest, even as she railed against the arrogance in the fact that he’d assumed she’d stand there and listen to what he wanted to say, purely because he wanted to say it. Again she’d, foolishly maybe at this point, assumed she’d never have to interact with Anthony Bridgerton again but her complete and utter lack of interest in him seemed to have unlocked something in him, a challenge of sorts, and he seemed determined to force his presence on her. 

“It’s funny, you’ve already said exactly what I was going to say to you.” Kate called back, knowing he’d be right behind her and sure enough his laughter sounded close behind her as the crowd thinned. 

“I just thought I’d beat you to the punch.”

“Am I actually going to have to call 999 on you?” Kate asked, pushing the door to the lecture theatre open and jogging up the stairs towards where she usually sat. 

“No, just set your huge fucking boyfriend on me.”

Kate raised her eyebrows as she turned towards where he stood, the row in front of her. “How do you know I have a boyfriend?”

Anthony shrugging, dropping his bag at his feet, “I saw you two the other day, I assumed that’s who he was. As you said; critical thinking.”

Kate rolled her eyes, dropping into her own seat. “God, does Sherlock know you’ve set up a rival detective agency?”

“No need to call me god, Kate.” Anthony grinned annoyingly in the face of the rude hand gesture she sent him. 

“Why have you decided to fixate on me?!”

She’d asked herself that so many times and come up completely blank. All Anthony Bridgerton seemed to do was chase after her, scribbling in his notebook as though his life depended on it. 

He gave her a blank look, “You don’t like me very much do you?”

She lifted her eyebrows again, “Should I?”

“A lot of people do, yeah.” Anthony mused, “My Mum says I have a nice smile.”

A bemused laugh tore itself free of Kate as more people arrived, looking a little curiously between them. “Your nice smile aside; I have no reason to like you.”

“So you agree, I have a nice smile.”

“I… Is that really all you got from that?”

“We could be good friends, you know.”

She blinked at him. “Could we?” 

“Yeah!” He leaned over the back of his chair, his hair falling in his eyes, “There’s a spark of creativity here in these insults. We could be great writing partners.”

“I don’t want to be a writer, remember?”

“No, you just enjoy the written word.” He parroted, “You could tell me if you love my writing.”

“You want me to lie to you? Okay; Anthony I think you’re the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Such a cute smile.”

He clicked his tongue, “Hurtful. But it’s exactly this sort of witty repartee that makes me think we’re destined to be either enemies or friends.”

“I’ll take option A. Enemies.” Kate said dryly, looking past him to the professor who’d just arrived. 

“You are so mean! It’s hilarious.”

“Alright, let’s focus up please!” The professor called out, saving Kate the need to retort. “Just a reminder that I’ll be posting your partners for the upcoming assignment on the board at the end of today’s session. And no, before I get fifty emails tonight; there are no partner changes.”

Part of her knew before she even looked at the sheet of paper what it would say. There was the oddest flutter in her stomach as she made her way to the front, quietly waiting in line, for her chance to read.

“Well, looks like we’re going to get to test my theory, FuckOffAnthony.”

Kate’s stomach dropped. “You’re joking.”

He wasn’t. She saw that 25 seconds later. 

Kate Sharma and Anthony Bridgerton

“Fuck’s sake!” she spun towards him, “Did you pay him off?”

“No!” He looked offended, backing up a step. “I’m a great partner! We’ll get a good mark.”

Kate sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Yeah, right.”

“I um…” He swallowed, “My friend Si, and I are headed to the pub tonight. We could meet up and-”

“Yeah, we don’t need to do that.” Kate tutted, shouldering her bag. “Just… email your part. We’ll do this that way.”

“I really think if you would just… read something I wrote-”

“Anthony, I don’t hate you okay?” She turned back towards him, “I just… don’t need to be friends with you. Okay? Let’s just get through this.”

An odd look crossed his face before he covered it, shrugging. “Yeah, alright. Is your email still [email protected]?”

And despite herself she smiled as she walked away, “That’s the one!”

______________________________

“You want another one?!”

Kate flinched a little at Dan’s too loud voice in her ear. Louder than it needed to be even over the thick crowd of people on a Friday night. “No, I’m good. Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“I’ll get you one!” He kissed her cheek, swaying a little as he stood already calling out to a mate he’d spotted.

“I don’t-! Dan!” She gave up as he made his way through the bar, his leather jacket left over the back of the chair beside her. Kate sighed, already planning to walk home and come back for his motorbike tomorrow. She moved her helmet aside, not looking forward to likely having to support Dan all the way back to his own dorm. 

He wasn’t… like this most of the time. Or he hadn’t been when they’d been seventeen and met at a party. They’d stayed up late talking on the phone about everything and nothing but recently there’d… been a shift. It wasn’t that she minded being sat in a pub on a Friday night, only that she was beginning to resent being the responsible one always. The pressure of it firmly on her shoulders, weighing her down. 

“Well, fancy seeing you here.”

Kate stared in shock as Anthony slid into the booth across from her, a pint in his hand. His glasses were fogging a little from the warmth in the bar and his cheeks looked flushed, the thick scent of cologne wafting towards her. 

“How are you fucking here?!”

Anthony raised his eyebrows, taking a drag from his pint, the condensation slipping down the glass, “I turned 18 last September.”

He slid his driver’s license across the table towards her and she caught a glimpse of a Lightning McQueen watch on his wrist. Despite herself Kate peered down at it, laughter bubbling in her chest as she looked at the impossibly terrible photo of a man who did in fact have a very nice smile. No matter how much it cost her to think it. 

“That isn’t exactly what I meant. I figured you were 18. I meant why this pub?”

Anthony shrugged, “Well, apparently The Crown was Shakespeare’s local.”

Of course he knew that. Of course he did. It was the same thing that had brought her in here when she’d first arrived in Oxford, desperate to take in the history of it. She cleared her throat, suddenly desperate to look anywhere but Anthony’s eyes. 

“Anthony Edmund Bridgerton.” She read aloud, tutting. “Wow. Edmund. That’s a name.”

“Well, it’s no FuckOffKate.” He chuckled, snatching it back off the table. “What’s wrong with Edmund?”

“Edward is a normal person. Edmund is a lunatic.” 

“Edmund is my Dad’s name. Very sane. Though admittedly the father of eight children.” Anthony chuckled, “And besides that I have some literary evidence I’d like to present if you’ll allow me?”

“Go on then.” She had no idea why but she was tired of fighting him. And they’d have to work together soon anyway, she told herself. That was all it was. It wasn’t that he was growing on her. 

He slapped his hand on the table, “Order in the court, the honourable judge Katharine Sharma presiding.”

“That’s not my full name.” She chuckled, taking a sip of her own drink, still full on the table.

“Eh I took a punt.” Anthony’s eyes sparkled at her as he took another drink before he set it down. “I’d like to call into evidence Edward Cullen. A one hundred year old virgin who watched a seventeen year old girl sleep.”

“You can’t just bring up Twilight to win an argument right out of the gate!”

“Ah so we agree I’m winning.” 

“I-“ She cut herself off, shaking her head. “Judge Sharma would like the rest of your evidence please.”

“Edmund Bertram, Mansfield Park, a classic literary hero. Austen’s most believable one by far.”

Kate felt her face twitch with irritation at their shared opinion, “Mansfield Park’s not my favourite Austen novel but I’ll allow that.”

Anthony gasped, “Are we agreeing that we both love Austen?!”

“Everyone loves Jane Austen.”

“Not everyone.”

“Everyone with half a brain.” Kate tutted, “We love a man who’ll fix himself.”

“And the true horror of unwanted house guests.” Anthony sighed, “So we agree I won?”

She just couldn’t let him have that. “No, Edmund Pevensie; Sold out his entire family for Turkish delight.”

“Oh you cannot use the Narnia defence!” Anthony scoffed, “It was World War Two! He hadn’t had sugar in a long time!”

Kate found herself laughing, enjoying their back and forth despite herself. Enjoying the way his cheeks flushed and his glasses slid down his nose when he spoke so passionately. 

“Can I help you mate?!”

Anthony stood up quickly at the sound of Dan’s voice swallowing convulsively as he looked down at the other man. “I um… Hi! I’m Anthony!”

“I don’t care who the fuck you are, Mate! What are you doing with my girl?”

“Woah!” Anthony said, taking a step back, “I didn’t- I was just-”

“Anthony and I are on the same course.” Kate cut in quickly, casting an apologetic look at Anthony that she hated having to give. “We’re partners for an assignment.”

Dan looked quickly between them before he jerked his head, “Right, well, fuck off Anthony.”

“Ah, I see you know Kate’s middle name too.” Anthony muttered under his breath and Kate bit back a laugh.

“What?!”

“Nothing!” Anthony said quickly, waving at Kate. “I’ll um… I’ll see you, Kate. Good to see you.”

“Yeah I’ll see you Monday.” Kate found herself smiling at him, shifting awkwardly as Dan sat beside her, his arm over her shoulder as Anthony disappeared into the crowd.

“Who the fuck was that?”

“Anthony.” Kate shrugged, her eyes falling on a folded piece of paper under her glass, collecting condensation. “He’s just Anthony.”

Her name was written on the front in cramped writing as though it had been scribbled hurriedly and she wasn’t even listening to what was happening as Dan’s mates joined them at the table again and she slipped the piece of paper into the pocket of her jacket. 

Kate wasn’t even sure she should open it, as she sat on her bed, the smell of cigarette smoke still clinging to her clothes from Dan smoking on the walk home, his words slurring. But she unfolded it slowly, the paper rough against her fingers. 

Her heart stuttered as her eyes slid over the page until she reached then end and she finally let out a breath. 

“Fuck.” Kate breathed, her chest tight, “He is a good fucking writer.”

Chapter Text

Anthony 2023

“I might have gotten myself into a bit of a situation.”

Benedict raised his eyebrow, leaning back against the back of the booth, his pint in front of him. “Have you…? Gotten married?”

Anthony choked on the mouthful of beer he’d just taken, his lungs burning. “What?! What kind of fucking question is that?”

Ben shrugged, tossing him a napkin. “I just figured… you and Kate are probably pretty ah… enamoured with one another at the moment.”

It was Anthony’s turn to raise his eyebrows, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Oh, sorry, are we lying still?” 

“I’m not lying I’m just confused.”

“Well,” Ben said dryly, “You did write an entire novel professing your undying an irrepressible love for her. I’ve no experience with that exact situation myself but I’d imagine that’d get Kate pretty… excited about a relationship with you.”

Anthony let out a dark laugh, the bitterness of it twisting in his chest. “Yeah, not really.”

“Okay, now I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

He’d brought it up himself he supposed but part of him still didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t even want to think about the sound of her voice when she’d implied that maybe he shouldn’t be in love with her if it made him feel like this. He’d stayed awake the last few nights with that moment playing again and again in his head. It had felt as though his heart was being ripped out of his chest to hear her mention it so flippantly over lunch. To hear her acknowledge it as though it was some open secret between the two of them; the fact that he’d been in love with her as long as he’d known her. He’d loved her when they were with other people, and when they’d stayed late at the library together, and when they’d sat with their friends in The Crown, and he’d loved her that night in his flat when he’d been afraid to make a move, afraid to ruin what he’d been so sure was building between them. And Kate didn’t want any of it. 

That wasn’t fair. Not really. None of this was really fair. Not the bitterness he felt or his inability to do what she suggested and stop feeling the way he did. That last one wasn’t fair to either of them. He didn’t want to be the person who was only friends with a woman in the hopes that one day she’d give him something more. He didn’t want that. But it wasn’t as though he could flick a switch and simply stop being in love with her either. There was so much closeness in their relationship even now. He loved that he was the first person she called when she had good news and he loved that she sent him pictures of her in the park, Newton on the bench beside her enjoying his own ice cream upended into a cup. He loved that. He loved their friendship and it wasn’t fair of him to say that she didn’t want him at all when he knew she cherished their friendship the same way he did. It was a gift, their friendship. And no matter how much it hurt him, he wasn’t going to give that up. 

Anthony sighed, ruffling his hair, “I wrote Snow Filled Paper about Kate.”

“Obviously.” Ben interjected. “I’m pretty sure everyone knows that.”

He’d known that anybody who knew him, knew them together, would know that this book had been laboured over out of his love for her. But he’d figured that Kate might be the only person that didn’t already know anyway. So he’d written it because he couldn’t hold it in any longer. A novel a decade in the making. The last thing he’d written. 

“Yeah well, Kate… doesn’t feel the same way.”

Ben’s mouth dropped open in surprise, “You’re joking.”

Anthony adopted a wry smile, “You know that women don’t have to love you back, right. That’s not the way this works. In fact, some people might say the fact that I’ve been in love with her for a decade creepy.”

“Okay, sure. I’m just saying; this is you and Kate. You two are more married than some married people.”

“Well… we’re not. She doesn’t feel the same way.”

Benedict stared at him, his brow furrowed, “Sorry, kate told you she didn’t feel the same way? Kate Sharma?”

“I don’t know another Kate.”

Ben dropped his drink back against the table, “And you’re… sure that’s what she meant?”

Anthony scrubbed his hand over his beard, “Pretty fucking sure. She ignored it through the whole publishing process and then last week when you fucking squealed on me not writing we couldn’t avoid it. She basically told me that I shouldn’t be in love with her if it’s going to fuck up my life this way.”

Ben looked a little guilty as he took another swig of his drink, “Okay, well, that explains her reaction when I said I think you know why he’s not writing.”

“Ben!” Anthony groaned, “Oh for god’s sake!”

“I thought I was being cute! I thought you two were just so wrapped up in yourselves you didn’t want to let anyone in on the joke yet!”

“Nope. No, she just sees me as a friend.”

“Well, that’s not nothing.”

“No, it’s not.” Anthony agreed, his stomach swooping. “I um… I love being Kate’s best friend. I wouldn’t trade that for anything so if that’s all she wants then… that’s what I’m going to be.”

Ben let out a low whistle, “Fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone that much.”

Anthony shrugged, “I’m not sure it’s a good thing, honestly.”

“So this is your situation? Kate doesn’t love you back?”

Anthony winced, “I actually wish that was the situation. You’re bloody responsible for this, you and Greggy.”

“What have I done?”

“Kate, out of guilt I assume, is trying to get me writing again. We’ve agreed that if I go through a list of things she’s coming up with and I still don’t feel like writing I can retire.”

Anthony watched as his brother froze, no movement but the nervous bob of his throat. “Do you…? Is that what you want? To retire?”

Was it? Not really. There was still so much about writing that he loved. He loved the clack of the keys on his type writer and the way he lost himself in someone else’s life for a little while, all his own troubles forgotten. A moment of escapism. He wasn’t necessarily ready to give that up but… he didn’t have any stories to tell at the moment.

He shrugged, trying to keep himself nonchalant. “I don’t really need the money. I never did.”

“But you love it.”

He did love it. But hadn’t he learned recently that love wasn’t enough?

Anthony sighed, looking towards the door, still waiting for her. Waiting even now. “I’m only telling you because Kate’s meeting me here. And I’m sure she’ll bring it up and I didn’t want you to stick your foot in your mouth again.”

“I thought it would be obvious! How was I supposed to know?! You know, maybe this is a lesson that you need to communicate more with the people you love.”

Anthony rolled his eyes, distracted by the bell over the pub door tinkling through the din. Kate smiled at him as she walked in, a dog leash slung over her chest, Newton trotting out in front of her with his tail wagging. The little dog yipped when he caught sight of Anthony, straining to get to him. Anthony reached down, ruffling the dog’s fur before it hopped into the booth beside him. 

“Hey, buddy boy.” 

Newton panted up at him and Anthony stared at the dog so as to avoid looking at Kate a little longer but finally he had to when she slid in beside Newton, kissing his cheek. 

“Hey, Ant.”

“Hey, Kate.” 

“Hey, Benedict.” Ben said himself, interjecting with a sardonic smile. 

Kate rolled her eyes, “Hey, Benny.”

Ben put his empty glass down and stood, reaching over the table to scratch Newton behind the ear, “Pint, Kate? I think I owe Anthony a round.” 

“Thanks Ben.”

Benedict strode off towards the bar leaving them alone and Anthony felt more awkward sat beside Kate now as she pulled off her leather gloves than he had as an eighteen year old who’d been desperate to impress her. 

“Just the three of us tonight?”

Anthony lifted his eyebrows, “Not unless Eddie’s on her way.”

Kate shrugged, “Nope, she’s got a late rehearsal.”

“Who else would be coming?” He couldn’t help himself from wondering whether or not there was someone she might want to invite but was scared to upset him. 

“You tell me.”

Anthony frowned, pulling back a little in confusion before he tutted, “Greggy’s trying to woo Lucy tonight, sorry to disappoint you.”

“I heard. Shame, you know he’s my favourite one of you.” She sighed, settling back in her seat, the odd tension that had been between them disappearing. “Fuck, I’m glad it’s Friday.”

Anthony forced himself to relax as well, “Busy week in the publishing world?”

Kate shrugged, letting Newton lay his head on her lap. “I’m having a frustrating time with a debut author. They’re refusing to make any edits at all.”

He remembered what it was like the first time he’d been handed back his manuscript with Kate’s red ink all over it. He remembered how they’d argued until they were both red in the face and he’d stormed out of the restaurant absolutely furious with his pages tucked into his jacket. It was only when he’d gotten home and red her notes that he’d realised she was mostly right. She was always right. He’d shown up at her office the next day with flowers and an apologetic smile and she’d rolled her eyes as she’d accepted them. 

Anthony chuckled, teasing her, “Maybe you’re not right.”

Kate scoffed, tossing her hair over her shoulder, the scent of her shampoo engulfing him for a moment. “You know I probably am right. I do actually read books for a living.”

“Do you?” He feigned ignorance. “Weird I thought I would have known something like that about you. We should get to know one another better.”

Her nose crinkled as she smiled at him, the warmth of the fireplace heating the air between them and he hated that even now his heart pounded just for her. “Maybe I’ll just write a book.”

“You should, you’re a great writer.”

Kate rolled her eyes, but carried on the joke. “I’d take up a pen name obviously.”

“FuckOffAnthony surely.”

Kate’s laughter echoed in the hollowness of his chest, “Surely.”

That was how well they knew one another. A decade of knowledge and intimacy built on the best and worst moments of each other’s lives. That was what he couldn’t leave behind. The person who made him feel most like himself. 

“Papa Sharma would love it, and imagine your Granny’s book club.”

Kate hummed, “They would get a kick out of it.”

“You should do it.”

“And you’ll edit it for me?” She nudged him, “Call me on all my bullshit?”

“Why not? I’m not writing, let’s swap jobs.”

Kate’s face fell a little. “so, still nothing huh?”

“Nope.” He crossed his arms over his chest, “No updates. No shags either if you’re counting.”

She rolled her eyes, “I doubt that.” She clapped her hands before Anthony could refute it. “I have a present for you. It’s the first thing on my list.”

Anthony’s stomach sank. Of course she was ready. Of course she was efficient and eager to force him out of the hole she felt guilty for. “Right. Well, I’ve already had a few pints so I’m not sure how eloquent my prose will be.”

She scrunched her face in faux thought. “That might actually help.”

Anthony raised her eyebrows as she reached into her satchel and brought out a thick wad of pages, bound in twine. A manuscript, he realised. Kate held it close to her chest. “Now, If anything gets out about this I will cut off your balls.”

“What would I be trading my balls for? I’m pretty attached to them.”

“I am only showing you this because you’re my favourite person, and I love you, and I want you to get over this.”

Get over this. Get over me. 

Anthony rolled his eyes, “What is this top secret manuscript?”

She dropped it on the table with a loud thunk and Anthony peered curiously down at it.

DEATH KNOCKS TWICE  

TF DORSET

Anthony’s mouth fell open with a gasp, “Kate Sharma, are you letting me hate read TF Dickhead’s novel in the hopes I want to write just to get it out of my mind?!”

“He’s a good at writing… mass market paperbacks.”

“Ooo Katie, tell me how you really feel. Get mean!”

she rolled her eyes, gesturing to the book, “My gift to you, Anthony.”

Anthony picked it up, holding it against his forehead, “Hmmm, I’m getting notes of The wife did it.” 

“You’re a dickhead.”

Anthony flicked open the front page, glad of the distraction, glad they could giggle together in a pub about a book, arguing into the small hours. Glad at least this hasn’t changed.

“Andy Beckett is me!” Anthony huffed 30 minutes later. “He’s written A caricature of me!”

Kate tutted, “Andy Beckett is an average white guy. I’m sorry if you feel that’s a dig at you.”

“You’re so mean tonight.” Anthony couldn’t help himself. Why could he never help himself around her? “Do it again?”

“You’re a dickhead.”

Chapter Text

Anthony 2013

“How um…?” Anthony trailed off, half wishing Simon hadn’t heard him, his heart sinking in his chest when his mate turned towards him, eyebrows raised. Anthony gritted his teeth and plowed ahead regardless. “How soon is too soon to ask someone out after they’ve split up with their boyfriend? Just if I was like… interested in someone how long do you think I should wait?”

He wasn’t proud of the way his heart had fluttered in his chest when he’d snuck up on Kate in the library the afternoon, a hilarious squeak slipping from her lips when he taped her on the shoulder. She looked furious as she pulled one of her headphones out of her ear.

“What the fuck?!”

Anthony dropped into the seat across from her, grinning at the sight of her, ignoring the eye rolls and hisses for them to be quiet. “That was a hilarious noise.”

Kate rolled her eyes, giving him the finger. “I thought you were a murderer.”

“Do I look like a murderer?”

Kate gave him a look of faux sympathy but he noticed she pulled out the other headphone as well, settling them in front of her. “You’ve been known to murder my patience, yeah.”

Anthony bit back his laugh, dropping his backpack to his feet, “My finest gift. Along with being honestly, almost too handsome.”

Kate bit back a smile, “Who on earth told you that?”

“My mum did. She’s very impartial on things like this.”

“Oh, I’m sure she is.” Kate agreed seriously, “I have to admit, I’m really curious about the people that raised you. They’re either saints or lunatics.”

“You can meet them if you like, they’re coming up next month.”

Kate gave him an odd look, “I feel like that might be a level too high for this… weird not-friendship.”

They had struck up a…something since that night in The Crown weeks ago now. He loved the easy back and forth they’d struck up then and after when she’d dropped into the seat beside him at their first lecture on Monday, looking at him as though he’d lost his mind when he gaped at her.

“Don’t say anything. I need at least one friend- adjacent person here, who’s not completely talentless for assignments.”

He’d won her over, Anthony realised. The piece he’d scribbled down had been barely thought out and edited even less and he’d won her over. They’d done their assignment together and half of him had thought she would go back to ignoring him completely but she hadn’t yet. And he definitely hadn’t wanted her to.

“Maybe.” He shrugged, nudging her foot with his. “What’s the plan for tonight? You and Dan heading to The Crown.”

Kate’s face twitched, “I don’t know what Dan’s doing.”

Try as he might Anthony hadn’t been able to warm to Dan. and nor had Dan found any great pleasure in his company, nodding to Anthony across the pub when he and Kate happened to see him and Simon there. 

“You should call him, find out then. Simon and I are going, probably end up getting a sneaky kebab on the way home.” 

Kate rolled her eyes, “I don’t think he wants to hear from me right now.”

Anthony’s heart leapt, “Why? Did you guys fight?”

“Yep.” Kate looked back down to the notebook in front of her. “And then we split up.”

Anthony’s stomach dropped and his hand reached up to adjust his glasses nervously. “Oh shit, I’m sorry.”

Kate shook her head, shrugging. “No, don’t be. We’d been kind of drifting for a while, probably before summer even. I think I was just too afraid of change to do anything about it.”

Anthony nodded slowly, “Still, it’s not easy.”

Kate sighed, “See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you.” 

“What?!” Anthony said defensively, looking around, “What have I done?”

“You’re looking at me like I’m a sad baby rabbit.”

“A kit.”

“What?”

“A baby rabbit is called a kit.” Anthony said unthinkingly.

Kate blinked at him, “Big fan of rabbits huh?”

“No, I’m just a genius, Kate.” Anthony leaned back, trying to pretend that his heart wasn’t racing. “You should definitely come out tonight then. Take your mind off things, have a few drinks. Tell me what a dickhead Dan was.”

Kate paused for a moment, tilting her head to look at him, silence stretching out between them. “Yeah, I don’t know, maybe.”

“Come on!” Anthony prodded her, “I’ll let you tell me why my opinions are wrong.”

“Will you actually change your mind?”

“Absolutely not, I’ll only become more convinced of my own genius.”

“Sounds like I’d be creating a monster.”

“Probably bring about your own demise.”

Kate rolled her eyes, “Well, you’re buying the first round. Some of us aren’t rich.”

“A deal then.”

She took the hand he held out to her and his stomach fluttered. “A deal. And I’ll definitely want a kebab after.”

“Did Kate and… Damon break up?”

Anthony was determined not to confirm anything. “His name was Dan. And I wasn’t talking about them.”

Simon rolled his eyes, taking a long drag from his pint. “Sure, so you wouldn’t care if she did break up with Dawson.”

“His name was Dan.”

“Sure it was.” Simon clicked his fingers, “So you’re going to let her ride into the sunset with Davydenko?”

“He works in a motorbike shop. He’s not a professional tennis player.” anthony snapped, letting his friend get the better of him. “And it doesn’t matter anyway, because they’ve broken up.”

Simon’s smile was far too smug. “Is she dating Nadal now?”

Anthony blinked at his friend, “You’re such a dick. Why am I even friends with you?”

Simon clicked his tongue, “I think I took pity on you, truth be told. You just looked… so bloody helpless on that soccer field.”

“That’s not at all true, I’m an incredible athlete.”

Simon gave him a sympathetic look, “Oh sure you are, buddy! I couldn’t be on the polo team without you.”

Anthony gave Simon the finger quickly, “I’m not interested in Kate.”

“Let’s not lie to one another, Ant.” 

Anthony groaned, lifting his own pint. “Look, I just think she’s great and Dan was a dickhead who didn’t deserve her.”

“Oh Davydenko you mean?”

Anthony finally cracked a smile, “He didn’t appreciate her the way I would.”

Simon sighed, ruffling his locs, “Listen, Ant. What do you actually know about Kate?”

Anthony paused, his brow furrowing. “She’s smart, and ballsy and… I just love listening to whatever she has to say.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Exactly.” Simon set his drink down, “I’m not saying that you and Kate wouldn’t be great together. I actually love the way she makes you squirm. I’m just saying; give it some time. Be her friend, actually be her friend, get to know her a bit more and I think you’ll be thankful for it.”

It made sense, even if it went against Anthony’s every instinct to run straight to her and ask her out before anyone else could. “But what if she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and it’s only a matter of time before someone else starts noticing that and then like… I miss my chance? And the love of my life marries someone else and I’m alone forever.”

Simon chuckled, “I’ll let you live in my attic then.”

“But what if-?”

“Mate, if it’s meant to be; you’ll get your chance anyway. Isn’t that what you’re always telling me? Fate and what not?”

He had a point and Anthony hated that. “I think I put it a little more poetically than that?”

“You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“No.”

“Shut up! I’m waiting for true love!”

“Are you now?”

Anthony’s heart stopped at the sound of Kate’s voice, laughing over the noise of the pub, spinning  towards her. “Kate! Hi! You made it!”

“Well, I was promised a pint and a kebab.” She slid into the seat next to him, nudging him in the ribs. “So, who’s the unlucky girl?”

“What makes you think she’d be unlucky?”

Kate chuckled, “Well, I have to imagine you’d annoy the fuck out of her, just like you do me.”

“Oh so you agree we’re soulmates then.”

Kate’s nose wrinkled and she flicked the middle of his forehead. “I’d be arrested for your murder in three weeks.”

It stung more than he wanted it to but he clapped his hands anyway as he stood, skirting past her. “Can I buy you a drink then? Or do you have a professional tennis player coming to get one for you?”

Kate blinked at him in confusion. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Simon rolled his eyes, nudging Anthony towards the bar with his foot, “Fucking don’t mind him. Get me one as well, dickhead.”

_________________________

Anthony’s head was fuzzy as he stood in the dim light of the kebab shop, Kate gesturing wildly to the harried looking kid behind the counter. She cheered as he handed her their food, wrapped in foil and her hand on Anthony’s arm made his heart hammer in his chest as she dragged him outside to the table and chairs. 

“Fuck, why are these the best when you’re half cut?” Kate’s voice was almost too loud in his ear but he didn’t mind. Instead he revelled in the closeness of them a little. Revelled in how different this was than the first few times they’d met. 

“This is fucking good.” Anthony agreed, focusing on his food as cars drove slowly past and other students made their way back from the pubs. “I am full of brilliant fucking ideas. I should have a TV show where I just say smart ideas non stop.”

Kate rolled her eyes, taking a bite of her own kebab. “You’re full of modesty as well. That’ll serve you so well when you’re a fancy author.”

“Oh!” Anthony gasped, “So you agree, I’m not going to be selling books primarily to bored people in airports.”

“I have no way to know that.”

“But you like my writing.” He nudged her, “You think I’m fucking great.”

Kate swatted at him, unbalancing a little, “I think you could be great, if you stopped thinking about how great you are.”

“That means absolutely nothing.” Anthony said confidently, ignoring the piece of lettuce that fell from his kebab. “You’re not making any sense. You’re clearly too befuddled by my brilliance.”

“Oh yeah, that’s it.” Kate flicked his forehead again. “I’m just obsessed with you, Anthony.”

He wished it was true. Even now he wished that she thought of him as much as he thought of her. “If I’m delusional then I’d love to see something you wrote.”

Kate scoffed, “I told you, I don’t want to be a writer.”

“And yet, you’re taking creative writing, just the way I am.” Anthony sing songed. 

“Yeah, because I want to be an editor.” Kate said, as though it were obvious. “I want to help… produce great stories. Help people find something they connect with. I… struggled a lot when I was a kid to like… connect with people but I had books and I want that for other people.”

Anthony nodded, the question falling from his lips before he could stop it. “Do you think that’s why you stayed with Dan? You think you didn’t have anyone else?”

The joy that had been written on her face slid off as she stared at him in surprise, almost hurt.

“Kate, fuck, I’m sorry. I’m drunk, don’t listen to me.”

“I won’t.” She said sharply, staring at the table in front of them for a moment before she let out a shuddering breath. “Maybe. I guess? I don’t know. I feel like I’m not good at like… getting to know people.”

Anthony’s heart stuttered in her chest, seeing her barbs for what they were; armour. He shrugged, “That’s not true. We’re friends now, right? You’re getting to know me.”

Kate groaned, “God, don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I thought you were gonna be the worst person I’d ever met and I actually think we could be friends.”

Anthony leapt up, crowing to the street, “Kate Sharma called me her friend!”

“Good for you, you fucking Wanker!” Someone called back as they passed but still Anthony wasn’t bothered when Kate pulled him back into his seat.

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

“And yet, I’m an actual friend. Not just friend-adjacent.”

“No, not just friend-adjacent.” 

And for now, that was enough. 

Chapter Text

Kate 2023

Why was she sat here? 

Kate took a sip from her wine and smiled at Daphne across the table trying to bite back a sigh. 

Why did she keep putting herself in positions where it felt like her heart was going to tear itself into tiny little pieces again, and again, and again? Why had she let Anthony smile at her like that this afternoon and convince her to do this?

“Are you actually writing over there?” She’d known he wasn’t. Purely from the fact that he was sitting on the sofa in her office upside down with his legs dangling over the back, his typewriter abandoned on the table in front of him.

“Yes, literary genius flowing out of me right now.”

Kate looked up at him, raising one eyebrow annoyed how charmed she was by Anthony even now with his glasses dangling from the end of his nose and the blood rushing to his head. “Wow, your mum and dad must be so proud of having lead the next stage in human evolution.”

She could almost see him trying to catch the joke before she told it. “I’m sure they are. Thank you for basically calling me a X-Man. Am I at least a cool one?”

Kate clicked her tongue, “I don’t know; how impressive would you say writing without touching the keys is?”

“Oh telekinesis?” Anthony scoffed, “You mean the same power Professor X and Jean Grey had? Yeah I’d say that’s pretty cool.”

Kate rolled her eyes and turned back to the manuscript in front of her. “So I’m guessing sharing with you Tom’s greatest masterpiece hasn’t helped?”

“How dare you call that a masterpiece in front of me?”

“ITV is wanting to option them for a miniseries.”

Anthony shot up, “You’re joking!”

“I’m not. The company’s managing it for him.”

Anthony’s face twitched, “And you… I don’t know, how do you feel about that?”

Kate frowned, “I…? Think it’s great for my client and it’ll drum up book sales and demand for more books in the series.”

An odd expression flickered over Anthony’s face before he huffed, sinking back against the sofa. “Maybe it would if it was on the BBC, our country’s greatest channel. ITV is just… sad really. It’s sad.”

“Downton Abbey was on ITV. That’s a national treasure.”

“It was until they killed off Matthew!”

Kate chuckled, “I forgot how much you hated that.”

“I was still very upset by it when we met, Kate. It ruined Christmas.”

She couldn’t help but smile as she watched him with his arms crossed, making her office look untidy. She knew what it must look like to her coworkers who walked past the office, craning their necks to look at Anthony Bridgerton, sprawled out on her sofa with an array of snacks next to his typewriter in front of him. She’d wished even then that she’d let him continue the barrier he’d started to build between them but she hadn’t, couldn’t. And here she was. 

“Don’t you have someone else to annoy?”

Anthony shrugged reaching for a can of pringles in front of him. “Do you want to go to dinner tonight?”

Kate’s stomach swooped and she’d forced herself not to read into it. How many times had they eaten dinner together? How many times had they sat down at a restaurant and she’d scanned the menu and know what Anthony would order before the words had even left his mouth? She cleared her throat, “Oh, um? Is there somewhere new you wanted to try?”

“Simon and Daphne asked me to go out with them. Wanna come with me?”

She tried not to feel disappointed and failed miserably, turning back to the manuscript, tapping her pen against the table. “Sure. I can’t believe they’re getting married.”

She’d known Simon as long as she’d known Anthony, the three of them forming an odd little club as their uni days had gone on. Even now he was one of her best friends. She’d been the one Simon had gone to when he’d started to have feelings for Anthony’s younger sister, scared to tell Anthony. And she’d been the one who’d forced them into a room together when Anthony had overreacted completely. Another way she found herself irrevocably intertwined with Anthony’s life. 

Anthony huffed, “They’re lucky I gave my approval.”

“Oh your approval?” Kate rolled her eyes, “Does everyone in your family need your approval to date? Isn’t that your dad’s job?”

“I’m the oldest. It’s our job to protect right?”

“Right.” Kate caught the Percy pig he threw at her. “What about me? Do I need your approval to date?”

She watched Anthony’s shoulders freeze and she regretted it immediately, turning her eyes back to the words in front of her just to avoid his eyes when he cleared his throat, “Well, obviously I’m most protective of you. And I need to be because you never fucking listen to me.”

She forced her lips to tick up at the teasing lilt of his voice, “Come on, I have at least one good ex. James was fine!”

A muscle twitched in Anthony’s jaw, “I wouldn’t know. We’d drifted apart for most of the time you were together.”

Kate kept her eyes down. She hadn’t seen him for two years after they’d left Oxford. Not until his name had stared back at her from a manuscript on her desk when she’d been only a junior editor. Their careers were as intertwined as any other part of their lives. 

 “And aren’t you glad your manuscript ended up on my desk then? Where would your life be without me?”

Anthony let out a sigh, finally righting himself on the sofa. “Who fucking knows. Dinner? I’ll buy you a crepe on the way home.”

“I already said I’d come but now that you’ve upped your offer; absolutely.”

So here she was, sat with his sister and their friend, Anthony’s arm looped over the back of her seat. 

“You’re coming with Anthony right?” 

Kate slowly put her wine glass down and rolled her eyes as Anthony picked at the potatoes on her plate. “You have your own potatoes.”

“Yours are hasselback. They’re different.”

She swatted his for away with her own before she turned to his sister, “I’m… definitely coming. Don’t know about with this one.”

Anthony looked up, his brow furrowed. “Why not? We always go to things together.”

She could feel Simon and Daphne’s eyes burning into them and she fought for the near trail expression every second it was on her face. Is that really how everyone saw her? Anthony’s designated plus one. The friend his grandmother kissed on the cheek and nothing more?

“This is your sister’s wedding? Maybe you’d want to take someone else.”

Anthony’s jaw clenched again and he reached out for her potatoes again. “Don’t think so. You can’t really leave me to sit next to Mrs Danbury by myself. She always pokes me with her stick.”

Kate softened at the thought of Simon’s god mother, the closest thing he had to a loving parent who always rolled her eyes at Anthony’s smile. “Agatha’s lovely.”

“See! That! Why do you get to call her Agatha and I have to call her Mrs Danbury?! I’ve known her since I was tiny.”

“You also blew up her microwave.” Simon chuckled, “And tore a hole in her curtains.”

“We were both responsible for the curtains!” Anthony looked guilty, “The microwave i am responsible for but I didn’t understand science then.”

“It really is a wonder that she doesn’t like you.” Daphne hummed, “It’s probably a good thing you came along to sort these two out.”

“They’ve definitely benefitted from my presence.” Kate agreed, taking another drink. “Maybe one day he’ll stop stealing my food.”

“Stop ordering so well, then.”

“You could always order your own. I’m not splitting my crepe with you on the way home.”

“Yeah, you will.”

“So we agree,” Daphne cut in, “You need to sit with Anthony to keep him in line.”

“Guess so.” She only wished it didn’t taste so bitter. 

“Wanna walk?”

He’d have to drive her home, they both knew that and half of her wished she’d told him she didn’t need him to pick her up so that she could have a moment away from him but it felt too nice. It always felt nice walking down the street with her arm tucked into his, their breath fogging in the air together as they hunted down dessert. That was the problem. She still wanted this. Even when it hurt her she still wanted it. 

“My Granny wants to know if you’re still open to talking for her book club.”

Anthony scoffed, “For Granny Sharma? Obviously. Phyllis doesn’t believe she knows me.”

She loved that he knew so much about her family almost as much as she hated it. “Well, we can’t let Phyllis be right.”

“Phyllis didn’t enjoy my latest book apparently.”

“Okay, how do you know all this?” Kate shook her head at him as they waited to cross the road, his hand pulling her in tighter against him as someone jostled past.

“Can you just be a bit careful, Mate?” He turned back to her, shrugging. “We email. And she DMs me on TikTok.”

“Why does my Granny have a TikTok?!” She paused, “Bloody, Edwina.”

“Got it in one.” Anthony mused, “Edwina gave a scathing review of TF Dickhead’s last book on there by the way. There’s a thread in our chat about it.”

“You need to stop texting the women of my family.”

“I’m always careful to send Granny rugby thirst traps, don’t worry.” 

She swatted at him, giggling despite herself, “Stop it, you do not.”

“I do! Nisha and I are close! We’re thinking of starting a cross stitch club.”

“ You are not taking up cross stitch with my Granny!”

“I am! We’ll do you a tapestry of Newton.”

“I can’t stand you!” Kate shoved at him but he caught her by the arm, pulling her back until they were chest to chest.

“You love me!”

The city suddenly seemed too quiet as they stood on the other side of the street, with their lips barely separated, their breath mingling in the air between them 

“Yeah, I do.”

Anthony stared back at her for a long moment, time froze between them before he took a shuddering breath, leaning back from her, just the tiniest rejection. Reasserting their real relationship. “Like I said, you’d be lost without me. Best friend and all.”

Kate swallowed the bitterness in her throat and blinked back the tears that threatened to fall, hoping her voice didn’t sound too odd when she spoke again. “I have An idea for our next jumpstart.”

Anthony seemed to bristle beside her. “What’s that?”

“We should go back to Oxford.”

Anthony turned quickly towards her, gaping at her. “What?”

“Come on!” She tried to cajole him though her heart was still tearing itself to pieces. “It’ll be fun. We’ll go for a week.”

“I don’t… I don’t know, Kate.”

“Oh, I’m not going to force you to sleep in bed next to me, Anthony.” She pushed it aside, “You loved writing there. You’d never bloody shut up about all the inspiration you got from the, and I quote, hallowed halls.”

Anthony huffed out a laugh, “I do love giving unofficial walking tours of Oxford.”

“See! We can go to The Crown, we can get drunk again, we can stay up and argue about books.”

“Will you be asking Dan to join us?” He asked sarcastically. “See if he still hates me for some unknown reason?”

“I’ve decided not to on this occasion.” 

“One question? Will you let me hit you with a frisbee again?”

“If you think it will help I’m willing to negotiate the frisbee.” She tugged on his arm. “This’ll work, Ant. I know it will.”

Anthony considered it for a moment, adjusting his glasses, “Bloody go on then. The kebabs were always so fucking good there.”

“I think it’s just that we’re not as drunk as we used to be.”

“That’s entirely possible. Guess we’ll find out.”

Chapter Text

Kate 2014

“FuckOffAnthony!” 

Kate’s heart fluttered in her chest as she turned around, walking backwards to see Anthony flinging himself through the crowd of students celebrating the end of their exams together. His backpack was dangling from one arm and the red carnation pinned to the front of his shirt was askew just like his glasses as he caught up to her, grinning.

“You know, there are better ways to get my attention than screaming profanity at me.”

Anthony fell into step beside her, nudging her as she faced forward again. “Is there? I don’t know one.”

“You’re such a dickhead.” She made to shove him but he caught her hand and she stumbled against him and her stomach flipped as he caught her. 

When had this happened? When had Anthony Bridgerton gone from the cocky arsehole who had trampled her at the beginning of the school year to this person now? The person who she looked forward to seeing every day. The person who made her heart race whenever he smiled at her with his hair falling in his eyes.

“How’d you go do you think?”

Kate shrugged, “We’ll see. I’m pretty confident. How about you?”

Anthony clicked his tongue, “Yeah I feel pretty good about it. Annoyed you left before me obviously, but I’ll survive I think.”

“Admit it, you nearly fell over trying to leave the room when you saw me leave, didn’t you?”

“I did.” Anthony agreed, “And I’m not ashamed of that. I can’t have you thinking you’re smarter than me,”

“Aren’t I though?” 

Anthony rolled his eyes, “You definitely think you are.”

“Well, soon we’ll have empirical proof I guess.”

It was part of the way they’d learned to be together, bickering backwards and forwards, lightheartedly jibing away at one another. Somewhere along the line she’d fallen into a pattern of seeking Anthony out. Looking for him when she went into the library or arrived at class. They spent Fridays at the pubs and nursed their hang overs together the next day and recently everything about him had started to make her heart race in her chest. Everything from him waving her off as she went to pay for her lunch to the way he smiled at her when he looked up from his book with his hair a mess and the sun reflecting off her glasses. He’d been interested in her when they first met, she’d been almost sure of it. She’d noticed the eager tilt of his head when he’d sat across from her that first night and the way his eyes had widened when he’d looked at her but now she wasn’t sure. It seemed ironic and yet right that his feelings for her would dwindle into friendship as he grew to know her while hers would flutter to life knowing him better. 

“When are Mama and Papa Sharma coming to pick you up?”

“Saturday afternoon and I’ve hardly packed anything.” Kate groaned, “It’s so bloody inconvenient having to move everything out. You’re lucky you and Si have the flat.”

“You can leave some boxes there if you like. I’ll come round and help you pack Saturday morning.” Anthony shrugged, “But! Speaking of our flat-”

“No!” Kate cut him off, sure she already knew where this was going.

“Oh, you don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“I do! You’re having an end of year party.” She flicked the end of his nose. 

His face fell a little, “Okay, so you do know what I was going to say.”

“Yeah, we’re friends. I’ve put up with you for a whole school year; I know the way your little mind works.”

He grinned that stupid adorable smile at her and she was forced to look away eventually before she did something stupid. He nudged his shoulder with hers. “Remember when you referred to me as friend-adjacent? Now we’re best friends.”

“I didn’t say best friends.” She rolled her eyes even though it felt true. He was her best friend, even if she wanted more. 

“It was implied in your loving tone.”

Kate felt her cheeks flush and she forced herself to stare straight ahead. “I’m not coming to your party.”

“Why not?!” Anthony whined playfully, “Kate!”

“I need to pack,” She chuckled, “I told you.”

“I already said I’d help you pack, so that’s not an excuse.”

“I am not having you handling my knickers, thank you.”

Anthony’s cheeks flushed but he plopped ahead. “I’m an expert knicker handler, actually Kate.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“You can ask anyone.”

“Oh, that elderly woman over there? Can I ask her?”

Anthony rolled his eyes, “You are coming to our party tomorrow because I want to hang out with you before we go.”

It made her heart stutter, his instance at wanting to spend time together. “You know we’re both going back to London right? We can hang out over summer.”

“You’re coming to my party.” Anthony said with finality, “And then I’ll come and help you pack and I’ll finally get to meet Mama and Papa Sharma.”

“You aren’t meeting my parents.”

“I noticed you didn’t deny you’re coming to my party.” He smiled smugly. “And I will be meeting Mary and Tharman.”

“Don’t call them Mary and Tharman.”

“I will. Because they’re going to love me.” Anthony turned, winking at her before he kissed her cheek. “I WILL see you at my party!”

Kate’s heart was still hammering in her chest from the brush of his lips against her skin and all she could do was call out to his retreating back. “You aren’t meeting my parents!”

“Yes, I am!”

______________________________

“It’s just a party, Eddie.” Kate sighed, her phone on speaker as she tugged on her jeans staring at herself in the mirror. 

“Oh yeah. Because you don’t care about Anthony at all.”

Kate scoffed, trying to force herself to believe it. “Of course I care about him. He might be a complete dickhead sometimes who once asked a waiter at a cafe for a wedge of lemon with his tea but he’s kind of become my best friend.”

“Oh, your best friend, huh?”

She could hear the sarcasm in her sister’s voice and Kate tried not to sound defensive. “He is my friend.”

“You haven’t dated anyone since Dan, and he was awful.”

“He wasn’t… awful.”

“He was!” 

“You’re… too young for us to have this conversation.”

She could almost hear Edwina’s eye roll. “Okay, you just go to your platonic party with your friend Anthony. The party he specifically asked you to go to.”

“Because we’re… friends.”

Suddenly, Kate wasn’t so sure. Was there something behind Anthony’s insistence? Was there something more to his smile and the way he wrapped his arms around her and smiled against the top of her head? Had there been something more in the way his lips brushed her cheek yesterday or had he just been carried away, excited about his party and getting to see his friends, excited by the end of exams? 

“Okay.”

“We are friends.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I… like I might not even like him.” A lie. 

“Okay.”

“Eddie.”

“I’m not saying anything.” She clicked her tongue, “Just make sure he’s not naked when Dad gets there on Saturday. “He might die of embarrassment.”

“Shouldn’t be a problem.”

Several of the neighbours were hanging their heads out their doors, shaking them with annoyance as the music thrummed down the hallway and Kate gave them an apologetic smile as she made her way inside. She pushed the door open and past the light throng of people, scouting around for somebody she recognised. 

“Kate!” Simon greeted her, pushing a cup into her hand, “Ant convinced you to come hey?”

Kate rolled her eyes but she took a sip of the drink anyway, ignoring the aftertaste of the cheap beer. “I’ve been assured that he’ll be at my door tomorrow ready to help me pack up my worldly possessions.”

Simon laughed, clicking his tongue, “I… would be surprised if he’s standing tomorrow to be honest with you.”

“Where is he?”

Simon let out a low whistle and gestured through the crowd to a circle of people cheering loudly as Anthony chugged a cup of beer. Kate rolled her eyes, “Why am I not surprised?”

Anthony caught sight her across the room and his eyes lit up, “FuckOffAnthony!”

“FuckOffAnthony!” The crowd around him roared and there was something so endearing in the way Anthony scrambled through the crowd of people towards her and she wished it wasn’t. She wished her heart didn’t pound in her chest every time she saw him. 

“You made it!” He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in for a long hug, his cologne engulfing her. “God, I’m so happy to see you!”

Kate shrugged it off with a chuckle and took a sip of her drink to seem nonchalant. “You saw me yesterday.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to get to see you every day soon. I need to get in my Kate hours.”

He’s probably drunk. Don’t Kate, don’t. 

She swallowed it down with her drink. “Well, you could just give me a call when we’re both in London, you know? I’ll… just be working at a book shop.”

“Okay, so what I’m hearing is I have a free invitation to come and annoy you all day everyday.”

“If that’s what you heard maybe you need to get your ears-”

“Ant, Babe where did you go?”

Kate’s stomach dropped as an arm appeared around Anthony’s waist and a woman slipped into view, pressing her lips against Anthony’s cheek. For his part Anthony’s eyes widened in surprise but he didn’t pull away from the woman, instead he cleared his throat a little uncomfortably.

“Fuck.” Simon muttered into his cup, clearing his own throat, “What’s that, Dave? On my way, Mate!”

He gave Anthony a pointed look as he left and still Kate couldn’t move, staring at Anthony and the woman staring back at her.

“Sorry,” She finally said, holding out her hand, “I’m um… I’m Kate.”

Anthony shifted as the woman took Kate’s hand, “Kate, this is Siena. We’ve um, We’ve been seeing one another.”

She didn’t know why she was surprised. She shouldn’t be. She’d been right. Anthony’s interest in her had waned the more he’d gotten to know her. That shouldn’t be a surprising thing. Not with how exacting she could be. How much she teased him and prodded at him. 

“Nice to meet you, Kate.” Siena smiled, “Anthony talks about you all the time.”

“Oh,” Kate said awkwardly, not really sure what to say to this woman who wasn’t at fault for anything. “Nothing good, I’m sure.”

Siena laughed, rolling her eyes, “I’m sure he hasn’t told you anything about me. You know what he’s like.”

Kate clicked her tongue, downing her drink, “Oh, he’s a fucking character.”

Anthony was still staring at her, completely silently, his cheeks a bit pink. Siena patted him on the chest. “Babe, Gen wants to play a drinking game.”

Anthony’s face twitched, “Um, yeah, okay. Kate? Wanna play.”

She didn’t. It was the last thing she wanted, with her feelings bleeding all over the carpet. “Ah, I actually just need call my Mum quickly. I’ll catch up.”

Anthony tossed one more look over his shoulder as Siena lead him away, waving at Kate. “It was nice to meet you.”

“Yeah. You too.”

The music thrumming around her suddenly seemed far too much and stupid tears stung at her eyes as she set her cup down on the coffee table. She could see Anthony in the back corner now, Siena’s arm still wrapped around his waist and a smile on his face as his glasses fogged a little. He wouldn’t miss her if she slipped out. She’d pull herself together and he’d never know how disappointed she’d been. How much more she wanted from him.

She was glad to close the door on the music eve if she fell back against the wall in the corridor taking a shuddering breath as tears clouded her vision. It was stupid. It was so stupid to feel this upset over something that had never been hers. They were only friends. They’d only ever been friends. There was a cruel sort of irony in the fact that he’d wanted her when she’d been with someone else and now here she was, crying in the hallway while he was inside with his new girlfriend. 

“I did tell him to tell you.”

Simon’s voice was gentle beside her and Kate startled, swiping at her tears quickly. “He’s… there’s absolutely nothing to tell. He doesn’t owe me anything.”

Simon sighed, settling onto the wall beside her. “It’s pretty new. And… not that serious.”

Kate shrugged, trying for nonchalant. “It doesn’t matter. I’m happy for him. Siena seems great.”

She hadn’t managed it but Simon was nice enough not to say anything. “Yeah, right. He’s still a twat for not telling you.”

“Everything okay?”

He was the last person she wanted to see at the moment and it seemed so odd that less than five minutes ago the sight of Anthony had had her heart pounding, beating a tattoo against her ribcage. Now, staring at him in the dim lighting with lipstick on his collar she could feel her heart tearing in two.

“Yeah, I was just telling Si I can’t stay, actually.” She crossed her arms over her chest, “I um… I need to go home and pack.”

Anthony’s eyebrows lifted, “But I’m coming tomorrow to help.”

“My parents have to come up in the morning, Actually. So I won’t have time. No time like the present.” 

“Oh.” The word hung in the air between them, sitting awkwardly. Anthony shifted. “Right, well. I can come now.”

The laugh she let out sounded hollow and choked. “No, enjoy your party, Ant.”

Anthony looked uncomfortable as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her, “I’m sorry about Siena.”

She drew back, though she wanted to stay there for ever. “Why would you be sorry? She’s pretty, well done, you.”

Anthony smiled, pulling her in for another hug. “I’ll see you over the summer right?”

“ ‘course you will.” She tried to smile, hoping it didn’t come out wrong though he couldn’t see her anyway. But Simon could and that seemed to matter.

“And you’ll say hi to Mary and Tharman for me?”

“You are not going to be best friends with my parents.”

“We’ll see.”

“Maybe.” She took a deep breath and finally pulled out of the hug. “I’ll see you around, Anthony.”

“Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow when I get home.”

“Perfect.”

Chapter Text

Anthony 2023

Of course it was raining, when Anthony stepped out onto his front porch with his bag slung over his shoulder to find Kate leaning against her father’s car. It seemed right that it was raining, almost as if the universe was telling him what a bad idea this was to abscond from the city with Kate. Back to the first place he’d looked at her and fallen in love. 

“Leaving Papa Sharma without a car this week, I see.” Anthony clicked his tongue and turned his collar up against the rain, calling out to Kate. “We could have taken the train.”

Kate scoffed, opening the passenger door to reveal Newton buckled into the backseat, smiling happily. “And leave my son behind? Rude.”

Anthony chuckled to himself as he made his way out into the rain throwing his bag in the boot before he gave Newton a scratch behind the ear. “Hey buddy. You excited?”

Newton let out an excited yip, dancing in his seat a little. 

“I think it’s very cute that your Dad has a harness seatbelt in his car for Newton.”

Kate sighed, kissing Anthony on the cheek carelessly, completely unaware of the way it made his chest burn. She made her way to the driver’s side and pulled the door open. “He uses it for his ‘Newton and Poppy Days’. At this point, Newton’s the only grandchild he’s going to get.”

Anthony pulled the door open and slid inside. “Come on, you’ll have kids. You love kids.”

Kate shrugged, “Maybe, if I can find someone to put up with me.”

Anthony fought to stop his teeth from clenching at the idea of having to watch Kate be happy without him one day. Happier than she was with him. “Oh you’re so hard to put up with, are you? I’ve been putting up with you for a decade.”

Kate scoffed as she pulled into traffic. “Oh, do you want to have a baby with me?”

His cheeks felt hot but he tried to brush it off as best he could. “Oh you’d be lucky to have my baby, thank you. My poetic prose, your good looks, a tiny pair of glasses on the kid? Our children would be prime minister of this country.”

“Did you just try to use your terrible eyesight as a plus to entice me into having a baby with you?”

“I don’t think terrible’s fair.” Anthony grumbled.

“Take off your glasses and tell me what that sign says.” She gestured at the side of a building. 

Anthony swiped his glasses off his face defiantly, squinting. “Asda.”

“Well, everyone knows the Asda logo.”

“You set up the rules of the test.” Anthony said smugly. “My comment stands; Our Children would be unstoppable.”

“Our children would be beautiful, if very short sighted.” Kate agreed, her lips quirking up in a half smile. “Is this where we agree to have a baby together if we’re both single by 35?”

Anthony felt his stomach lurch and he couldn’t help but gape at her, “What?! Why would we do that?!”

Kate stared ahead into traffic, her voice soft. “I was just joking, Ant.”

“I know, I’m just saying; It’s stupid to even think about it because you’re definitely going to find someone. Someone who thinks you’re as incredible as I do.”

Anthony’s heart was thudding in his chest as Kate stared straight ahead, her hands gripping the wheel tightly as silence swelled between them. Kate finally cleared her throat, “Speaking of your poetic prose, did you bring your typewriter with you?”

Anthony narrowed his eyes, “I didn’t. It’s not a travelling typewriter.”

“I know you have a travel typewriter. You brought it to my office to annoy me when you were writing Snow filled paper.”

He refused to look at her. Refused to acknowledge the fact that he’d wanted to write the thing that had felt at the time as though it would change his entire life in her presence. Something that had been just for her. 

“Sorry for annoying you with my friendship, Kate. And I always brought snacks!”

Kate nudged him with her elbow. “You’ve been annoying me for a decade. Which we’re about to relive; And you’re supposed to be writing.” 

“I can write on my iPad.”

“You hate writing on your iPad. You may as well have just said; Kate, I have no intention of writing.”

“That’s not what my voice sounds like.” It was easier to focus on that rather than the fact that she’d read him perfectly once again. 

“That was a perfect imitation of you. I’ve honed it over many years, your Dad congratulated me on it three weeks ago.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be talking to my Dad. He’s a menace.”

“You talk to my Granny.”

“Nisha and I have a friendship based on mutual interests.”

“And your father and I don’t?”

“The mutual interest can’t be making fun of me.”

Kate laughed, the sound warm as it made its way into Anthony’s chest. “We tease you because we love you. You’re my guy, you know that.”

God, it was painful. Physically painful and they hadn’t even gotten to Oxford yet.

“Does your guy get to stop of a sausage McMuffin? I can tell Newton wants a hash brown. Don’t you buddy?”

Newton’s yip made its way into the front seat and Anthony grinned at Kate. “Your son needs you, Kate.”

Kate rolled her eyes. “I already had it in our schedule. I knew you would do this to me.”

“Ah, because I’m your guy?” It tasted bitter, even if his voice didn’t sound it. 

“Exactly.”

_______________________________ 

“This… feels awkward.”

“Why does it feel awkward?” Kate was staring back at him through the door adjoining their hotel room. She was sat on the floor, her legs curled under her as she picked through her suitcase. Newton plodded over, nosing at her arms until he settled himself on her lap, his chin resting on her knee. “We’ve slept in the same building before.”

“Yeah, our bedrooms weren’t attached though.”

Anthony wasn’t sure why it felt so uncomfortable. Why he had right from the second they’d arrived at the hotel and been greeted with “Ah yes. Mr and Mrs Sharma.”

Anthony had startled, “Mr Sharma?! He’s in London.”

The hotel clerk’s eyes had gone wide, looking between them as though she’d accidentally uncovered a sordid affair. “I- I’m sorry! Oh god, I shouldn’t have- I’m sorry.”

Kate rolled her eyes, “He’s talking about my father. I’m sorry, he thinks he’s funny.”

Anthony tried to smile as though his heart wasn’t still pounding in his chest. “My little joke.”

“I… right.” The clerk didn’t seem to know what to do. 

“We have two rooms actually.” Kate said awkwardly. “On the booking.”

The clerk shook herself back to action, “Right! Yes! I see that! We’ve got you both on the third floor, and we’ve opened the adjoining door.”

Anthony’s stomach dropped. “I’m sorry?”

“That’s fine, thanks!” Kate said quickly, shooting Anthony a look. She took his hand and tugged him and Newton towards the elevator. “Why are you being so weird?”

“I’m not.” He said quickly, shooting for nonchalant and missing by a long way. 

“You are.”

“I’m not. I’m just tired from the drive.”

Kate blinked at him, “I drove and it’s 90 minutes.”

“I had a late night.”

“Sure you did.”

It felt too close, was the truth. It would be too easy to knock on that door after a few drinks and tell Kate exactly how he felt. Too close to blowing up everything he cared about. He’d be able to see her shadow under the door like a reminder of the effect she had on his life without ever truly being his. 

Kate rolled her eyes, pulling a manuscript from her suitcase and plonking it on the floor. “We can shut the door when I take off my clothes don’t worry. But once upon a time you loved making jokes about my knickers. You’ve changed since we were last in Oxford.”

Anthony leaned over, just his nose passing the threshold into her room, “Lovely blue ones for the occasion I see.”

She gave him the finger, “You’ve got your tighty whities I assume.”

“Obviously, but I’m afraid I can’t show them to you. You’re not an expert knicker handler like I am.”

“I’ve handled my fair share of briefs.”

That made him want to put his fist through the wall if he was honest. No matter how unfair it was. “Can I see some credentials then?”

“I’ll show you first hand if you like.”

Anthony froze, his heart skipping a beat as Kate’s eyes widened in surprise. “Well, what a romantic offer.”

Kate relaxed, rolling her eyes. “I didn’t mean like that, you perv.” She sighed, “Besides, why does it bother you that we’re right next to each other? Were you planning on giving the soft, ‘take me to bed’ eyes to some girl at The Crown?”

“Do I have ‘take me to bed’ eyes?”

Kate chose not to dignify that with a real answer. “You know what I mean.”

“You’re one to talk,” Anthony changed tracks, “Does ah… Dan not still live in Oxford?”

Kate fixed him with an unimpressed look. “I honestly have no fucking idea? Why are you keeping track of my ex boyfriend? Do you see me asking if Siena is joining us?”

Anthony tried not to react to the name of the woman who’d sent him a message on instagram a few weeks ago.

You had better be fucking joking Anthony. How are you not married to that woman?!

“I just thought I’d get in the spirit of the trip. See if you wanted to relive the good old days.”

“You’re a dickhead. Go and get changed so we can go out please.” Kate stood and made her way over towards the door, carrying Newton who let out an indignant huff. 

Anthony pushed off the door frame grinning. “That better not be TF Dickhead’s manuscript!” 

Despite everything, he laughed as the adjoining door slammed in his face. 

_________________________

He hated that Kate was right. He could feel it even as they walked through the streets with Newton straining against his leash to greet everyone. Kate’s arm was tucked into his, and their breath turned into a cloud in the cold air and Anthony could feel it building in his chest. He could feel the familiarity sinking into his bones and the magic that this city seemed to hold for him. He loved Oxford. He loved how storied it felt, he loved how untouched sections of it still felt. He loved watching the rowers go down the river and the PhD students debating everything and anything. Even now he could feel it building inside him, the excitement he used to feel every time he headed  out the door when he’d been at uni. He’d been so full of hope then, so full of ideas for how the rest of his life was going to be, full of dreams of being recognised for his talent and that part had come true at least. At least he had that.

It was still too early really, just gone 5 o’clock, for the students to have made their way into the pub but still, people were milling about as they pushed the door open. It still smelled the same, inexplicably of cigarette smoke that seemed to have made its way into the foundations of the building and Newton gave a sharp bark that announced their arrival proudly, sniffing at the carpet as he dragged them forward.

“Look what’s free.” Kate bumped his hip with hers, gesturing to the booth they’d always staked their claim on, tucked in the corner by the fire. “Go grab it. I’ll get drinks.”

Anthony took Newton’s leash from Kate’s hand, digging in his pocket. “Want my wallet?”

She shook her head as she tugged off her gloves. “Nope, we’re getting your mojo back. I’m paying.”

“Does the company know you’re using their credit card to ply me with liquor?”

She shoved him towards the booth. “I’m using my money to ply you with liquor, now get.”

Anthony lifted Newton onto the bench beside him as he sat down, pulling off his own hat and gloves and bundling them with his coat in the corner of the booth. The heat from the fire was already warming his bones as he ran his hands over the table where he’d spent so many nights. So many of his favourite memories with Simon and Kate and then Ben when he’d joined them at school had happened right here. He reached slowly under the table, his hand searching for the spot where he knew they’d still be, half hoping they weren’t.

They were there. 

They’d been just weeks off graduating when they’d done this, Kate’s boyfriend at home for the night and Anthony had been sure as they’d giggled and crawled under the table determined to make their mark on the booth they thought of as theirs, that this was the moment. This was the time he was going to tell her exactly how he felt. 

KS + AB

At least they were together here. If nowhere else. Fixed in eternity. 

“Everything okay?”

Anthony cleared his throat, snatching his hand from under the table as Kate arrived, setting their drinks on the table. His voice felt hoarse, ladened with the memory. “Yeah, course. I just can’t believe the barman is the same.”

“He remembered us.” Kate clicked her tongue, setting Newton’s bowl of water down in front of him. “Said he hoped we weren’t going to steal the toilet paper from the bathroom again.”

“No promises,” Anthony sighed, “I don’t have my typewriter. I might need it to write.”

Kate flicked the end of his nose. “Whose fault is that?”

“Mine, I guess.” 

She held her drink up, “To getting your mojo back.”

He swallowed, trying to smile as he met her drink with his. “To getting my mojo back.”

It wasn’t coming back. 

Chapter Text

Anthony 2014

“Did you not get enough of bothering me over the summer?” Kate scoffed as Anthony dropped into the seat beside her, their first lecture of the new year yet to kick off. “Jesus Christ, do I have to put up with you here as well?”

Anthony rolled his eyes, dropping his backpack at his feet as Kate smirked up at him. “Oh my god! Kate? Kate Sharma from the bookstore?!”

“God, you’re an absolute dickhead.”

He’d not been able to put his finger on what was wrong when he’d bounded into the bookstore the first day after they’d both arrived back in London, two cups of coffee in his hand but he’d felt some kind of tension in the air when he’d rapped his knuckles on the counter, waiting for Kate to turn around.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could recommend something in the teen supernatural genre?”

Kate had blinked at him with a fairly cold expression, her arms crossed over her chest. “It’s in the back left. They’re pretty much all the same. Twilight’s a big seller. If you’re looking for the same vibe but infinitely shoddier writing, Fifty Shades of Grey’s always available.” She turned back around, unpacking books from the cardboard box.

Anthony stared at her, not really sure what to say the coffee burning his hands through the cup. “Well, I’ve already read those.”

Kate didn’t turn around. “Vampire Academy. Starts with a V, you should be able to find it.”

Anthony felt his brow furrow and his stomach churned a little uneasily as he set the cups down. “Are you… okay?”

Kate let the books drop to the counter along the back wall with a thud. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He didn’t want to think about why she wouldn’t be. “I don’t know, you didn’t return my call yesterday afternoon.”

He saw Kate’s shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath before she turned finally towards him, shrugging. “Sorry, I was at my Grandparents’ haven’t seen them in a while obviously.”

That felt more normal, more natural. “Yeah, no, that’s okay. I ended up hanging out with my brother Ben anyway.”

Kate didn’t say anything, just stayed leaning against the counter behind her. She stared back at him, her fingers drumming on her arm. “What are you doing here, Ant?”

Anthony tried to smile, feeling more and more uneasy even though he didn’t know why. “I’m… just here to hang out.”

“I’m working, Anthony.”

He made a show of looking around the quiet shop. “No one’s going to tell on us. and I was in the area.”

Kate rolled her eyes, her lips twitching just a little. “You live in Knightsbridge.”

Anthony shrugged, “I took the wrong train?”

After another long moment Kate sighed, snatching a cup off the counter. “This had better be for me, and if my boss pops in you’re buying a book that you’ll tell her I expertly recommended to you.”

“I’ll buy three books and leave you a google review proclaiming your expertise.”

“Dickhead.”

He’d spent his summer in that shop, almost as much as she had, perched on the counter as she worked, chatting to customers as they browsed, making his own recommendations while Kate rolled her eyes and contradicted him.

“The Catcher in the Rye is fucking terrible.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a classic for a reason, Kate.”

“It’s not about anything! Tell me one thing you actually like about it.”

Anthony had thought for a moment before he let out a frustrated noise, “It’s critically acclaimed!”

Kate’s smile had been smug as she’d snatched the copy off the customer, “Let’s find you something that won’t make you wish you couldn’t read.”

They’d fallen back into their rhythm slowly, day after day, Anthony following her home after her shift ended scribbling in a notebook. 

“Anthony, I think this is stalking.” Kate sighed as she finally came to a stop in front of a red brick house. 

“It’s not stalking if we’re friends.”

“Those aren’t the rules!”

“Who’s your friend, Katie?”

Anthony’s head shot up at the sound of a woman’s voice from the car that had just pulled up. He let out a gasp as the woman got out, peering curiously between them. “Kate Sharma, is this the famous Mary Sharma?”

Mary Sharma had blinked at him, stepping between Anthony and her daughter surreptitiously, her voice a low whisper. “Why is he using our full names? Should I call Appa? The police maybe?”

Anthony held his hands up is surprise and Kate rolled her eyes, “This is Anthony, Mama. Anthony, my Mum, Mary.”

Anthony held his hand out, “It’s lovely to meet you, Mrs Sharma.”

Her eyes widened in surprise but she took his hand, smiling gently, “Anthony, I’ve heard so much about you.”

He grinned at Kate who muttered something under her breath, “Have you been talking about me to your Mum? Does she tell you what she really thinks of my writing?”

“I tell you what I think all the time.” Kate cut in.

“That’s just criticism to keep me levelheaded.”

“It’s not.”

“Are you staying for tea, Anthony?” Mrs Sharma cut in, “We’d love to have you.”

“I’d love to!” Anthony said, smiling smugly at the exact same time Kate said-

“No, I’m sure he needs to meet his girlfriend.”

Awkward silence had rung through the air as Kate stood with her arms crossed over her chest again, eyes cast down to the pavement. Anthony felt the same uneasy feeling churning in his stomach again, pushing down the insane idea that it was jealousy that was freezing Kate’s attitude. He cleared his throat.

“Yeah, I actually do need to be getting home. Thank you, Mrs Sharma for the invitation. Maybe another time.”

Mrs Sharma smiled kindly, “Of course Anthony. You’re always welcome.”

Anthony shifted uncomfortably, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kate?”

Kate shrugged, “Maybe we won’t be open to pretentious dickhead’s tomorrow.”

He pretended to doff an imaginary cap, “I’ll take my chances.”

“So that’s Anthony, huh?” He’d heard Kate’s mother say just as he’d walked away.

“I might be a dickhead,” Anthony sighed, taking out his book. “But I’m your best friend.”

Kate rolled her eyes, “You said you weren’t going to bring that up ever again. Your exact words were ‘Just tell me I’m your best friend and I won’t even tease you, Kate.’ And here I am.” She poked him hard in the ribs. “Being teased.”

“That’s a memory that I hold very dear to my heart, thank you.”

He held it more dear than he wanted to admit. It had been all he’d thought about as he’d packed his boxes and driven back to Oxford. The intimacy of her admission had felt so special, even in the awkwardness of the day that had preceded it. Even the fact that he’d sloped in, his ears still ringing from the argument he and Siena had had. 

“Right, so you can’t hang out with me today because you’re…? What?”

“I told you; I’m hanging out with Kate today.” Anthony had shrugged, his phone held against his ear. 

“Right. You’re hanging out with Kate.” Siena’s voice had been cold and Anthony’s spine had prickled. “What are you and her doing?”

Anthony had felt he needed to proceed with caution. “Um… she’s working. So… we’ll probably just hang out at the shop.”

“Perfect. Well, I hope you and she are super happy together, Ant.” Siena snapped. 

“Are you… upset that I’m hanging out with a friend?”

“I’m not upset that you’re hanging out with a friend, Anthony. I like Kate, she’s fucking great, actually the problem is you just… you know what; this is done, Anthony.” Siena finished, “We’re done, Anthony.”

He’d known what she meant, even though he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge the flutter in his stomach that still made itself known every time he saw Kate. He liked Siena, he had. He’d hoped he’d be able to smother the feelings that Kate might never share but apparently they were obvious to everyone except her. 

“What’s wrong with you?”

Anthony shrugged, ruffling his hair as he leaned against his usual spot not he counter. “Siena and I just… split up. I think?”

“You think?”

Anthony leaned forward, his chin resting on his hand. “She told me we were done so… I read between the lines a little, I’ll admit.”

Kate rolled her eyes, but her lips twitched strangely “Do you have to be glib about everything?”

“Yes,” Anthony had sighed, pretending his stomach wasn’t twisting uncomfortably. “I’m a tortured artist.”

Kate grimaced, “Shut the fuck up. I can’t believe you just said that. That’s the most disgusting thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Anthony just shrugged, not really sure what to say to follow up and thankfully, kate filled the silence. 

“Are you okay? I know you love pretending not to care about anything but I know you liked Siena, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

“I’m okay. I think I just… yeah I liked her but… I don’t know.” He didn’t know why he didn’t want to talk about this with Kate, or maybe he did. Maybe he just wasn’t ready to talk about it with anyone. “Maybe it’s for the best.”

Kate groaned, “I don’t like this sad Anthony! You, me and Simon are going out tonight to commiserate.”

“You want to commiserate the end of my relationship? With several pints and eighteen shots of tequila? That seems reverent does it?”

“Well, it’s not the end of my relationship. And isn’t that what we did when me and Dan split up?”

“Dan and Me.” Anthony corrected thoughtlessly. 

“There’s the fun Anthony I know. Bring this version of you out tonight.”

By the time they’d sat in the pub with empty glasses littering the table with Simon across from him, mourning the fact that he’d lost a girl’s number when he’d gone to wash his hands Anthony almost felt better. Almost. He could almost forget that he’d probably led a girl on for months and it still hadn’t helped him actually get over the girl whose arm was looped through his as he walked her home. 

“Aren’t you glad that I threw that frisbee at you?”

“No,” Kate scoffed, “Would you believe I’m still fucking not?”

“Hey, I’m a good friend. Maybe… a best friend?”

“Simon’s your best friend.”

“We’re not talking about my best friend.” Why was he doing this to himself? Setting himself up for disappointment twice in one day. But he pushed that thought aside, knowing he probably wasn’t the one who’d been disappointed in this break up.

“You’re not my best friend.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No way.”

“Just tell me I’m your best friend and I won’t even tease you, Kate.” A lie and they both knew it from the way Kate’s laughter echoed in his chest. 

Finally Kate sighed, “Fine, you’re my best friend, Anthony. And no matter what else; I’m glad I met you.”

Anthony was surprised how much he treasured that quiet intimacy. Different from the kind he’d shared with Siena but no less important. He was going to tell Kate how he felt this year. He’d promised himself that as he packed his bag and tossed them in the backseat of his car. He had to tell her. As much as he cherished their friendship, he felt as though if he didn’t tell her soon he would explode, he would have to. 

“Dear to your heart,” Kate rolled her eyes, “Sure. You’re a dickhead.”

“If I was a less confident guy, I would get a complex about you constantly calling me a dickhead.”

“What else would you call a guy who has a group Pinterest board with your mother?”

Anthony grinned, “Charming and super handsome, without a doubt. Mary and I love our recipe board.”

“Don’t call my mum Mary.”

Anthony clicked his tongue, “That’s her name.”

“Wow, should my Dad be worried?” Kate said blankly, “On a first name basis with his wife.”

“Oh, my bestie do you mean? Tharman?”

Kate bit back her smile, shaking her head. “I can’t stand you.”

“We’re best friends.” He corrected, “Celebratory drinks at The Crown for the start of semester?”

An odd look came over Kate’s face and she cleared her throat, “I can’t tonight.”

“Oh, because it’s a monday?” Anthony groaned, “We can’t be boring second years, come on. Someone’ll steal our booth.”

Kate’s face twitched, “I just um… I actually have a date tonight.”

Anthony’s stomach dropped, his heart aching in his chest as he schooled his features. “Oh, right, yeah. That’s um… who’s the lucky guy?”

Kate shrugged, “This um… just… do you know Evan?” She gestured to a guy with auburn hair a few rows back ho waved while his friend thumped him on the back and Anthony was seized by the mad urge to punch Evan. A man he’d never paid attention to before. 

“Great, yeah. Evan.”

“I just… it’s been ages since I dated Dan and… why not? He seems nice.”

“Yeah,” Anthony said, pretending he wasn’t dying on the inside. “Why not?”

Chapter Text

Kate 2023

“Look out!”

Kate rolled her eyes but didn’t look up from her book as the frisbee hit the tree above her head. “Amazing throw, Ant.”

Anthony flopped down in front of her, the sunshine reflecting in his glasses as Newton scampered up to them panting heavily from his exertions. “You used to be angrier when I hit you with my frisbee.” 

Kate slid her reading glasses into the top pocket of her jacket and tucking her pen into the manuscript she was reading. “Maybe you just used to be more sincere with your attempts to decapitate me.”

Anthony’s laugh echoed through the courtyard and several people turned to look at them but he paid them no mind, running his hand through his hair, “In my defence it was a lot easier when I had another person to throw with.” He grinned at her, “Can I interest you in abandoning work to be my partner?”

She’d watched as whatever was weighing on him disappeared last night as they sat at their old table, falling back into old habits. His smile had seemed bigger somehow and his shoulders more relaxed as they’d banged their fists on their table in the stupid drinking game they’d made up while Newton had barked excitedly and the bartender had eventually come over.

“I cannot fucking believe you two are back causing trouble.”

Anthony laughed as he collected the stack of glasses from the table, “Would you believe, Mark; We’ll be here all week.”

“Fucking hell.” Mark muttered under his breath, “Just make sure your wife doesn’t start dancing on the tables again.”

Kate felt her cheeks flush and she hadn’t been completely sure it was from the alcohol or whether it was the way her mind stuck on the word wife. Stuck on the fact that someone who’d seen them together when they were stupid kids had seen them together now and assumed they’d be living their lives together. How many other people assumed the same thing, she wondered. 

“I’ll pin her down if I have to.”

Mark huffed and walked away with their stack of glasses and there’d been just a moment of awkward silence before Kate had cleared her throat. “Your wife, hey? She around somewhere?”

Anthony shrugged, “If you see her let me know. Of course; you could always take pity and marry me Kit. My parents would be thrilled.”

“Are you in some kind of immigration trouble I don’t know about?” Kate joked, trying not to let her heart shred itself. “I know you post people consider your section of London to be another country but I promise you you’re actually just lumped in with the rest of us.”

“Oh ha ha.” Anthony said sarcastically, “She’s hilarious.”

“She is. That’s why you basically begged me to be friends with you.”

Something crossed over Anthony’s face and he let out a low chuckle, “I promise you; that’s not why I wanted to be friends with you.”

“Why did you? I actually never knew.”

Anthony took a long drag of his pint, his eyes burning into hers in a way that made her stomach clench. “I really liked your shoes that first day we met.”

Kate rolled her eyes, taking a drink for herself. “You’re a dickhead.”

“A dickhead who can get a kebab?”

“Obviously. I have to drunkenly call you my friend again.”

“You’re my wife actually.” Anthony clicked his tongue, “Just ask Mark.”

She didn’t want to joke about that but she made herself. “Mark thinks I look like someone who’d dance on tables so he’s not to be trusted.”

“eh, I remember it happening a few times.”

The winter air had been freezing as they made their way towards the shop where they’d ended so many of their nights during university with Newton’s paws covered in his shoes but Kate didn’t feel it with her arm tucked into Anthony’s. She didn’t feel it even as they sat outside with the world buzzing around them and Anthony’s moan as he bit into his midnight snack sent a jolt right through her.

“God, this is still so fucking good!” Anthony called out to the man behind the counter, “You sir, are a prince amongst men!”

The man waved to Anthony as though he heard this all the time.

“You gonna make him into a character in your next book?”

Anthony shrugged, scratching Newton behind the ear as the dog dug into his chicken on a paper plate. “If I ever start writing again I might. I write characters based on everyone I know.”

“You’ll find something to write about.” Kate had to believe that. She had to. Because if he didn’t where would that leave her? Right back to where they’d been when they’d left university and she’d slowly phased herself out of Anthony’s life, telling herself she needed to try and give things an honest chance with James and Anthony hadn’t even struggled. He’d almost welcomed it. She wasn’t sure she could do that again. “And you’ve never written a character about me.”

Anthony swayed on his plastic chair and his laugh was almost hollow, “Yeah I did.”

Kate nudged him playfully, “Who is it then? Surely it’s not the old lady who lives downstairs from Andrew always yelling at him for running up and down the stairs.”

“I think you know who it is.”

Did she? Or did she only hope that she knew? They were really two different things. 

Kate sighed, nudging his shoulder with his, “It was the taxi driver wasn’t it?”

Anthony let out another huff of a laugh, “A foul mouthed cab driver? Yeah that’s you.”

She’d felt the difference somehow even when he’d knocked on the adjoining door of their rooms this morning and she’d opened it to find him shirtless, wearing nothing but his boxers and Kate had barely managed to drag her eyes away from his chest. 

“Why the fuck are you not dressed?”

He looked down at himself. “I’m wearing pants.”

Kate rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest, still wearing her own pyjamas and suddenly very aware of how thin they were. Suddenly very aware of how easy it would be to nudge him back into his room and press his body against the mattress. Kate cleared her throat. “You’re wearing boxers.”

“You’ve seen me shirtless before.”

Not like this. Not when it would be so easy to give in, finally. 

“What do you want?” She changed the topic to avoid any more embarrassment.

He looked as though he wanted to say something else but he reached down for a sweater and tugged it on pointedly, “I’m not as young as I used to be and I need a fry up. You and Loaf dog coming?”

“Yeah, Yeah. I have plans for us at three by the way.”

“What’s happening at three?”

“You’ll find out.”

He did look so much more relaxed here, so much closer to the man he’d been while she edited his book, closer to the boy she’d known here. The boy she’d fallen in love with. 

“You have Newton.”

“Newton is a great frisbee partner, it’s true.” Anthony looked so beautiful here, even in the winter with his breath fogging in the air. “I think you could be better than him though.”

“Do you just miss Simon, maybe?”

Anthony scoffed, “Simon impregnated my sister.”

“I mean… they’ve been engaged for a year.”

“Eh, barely relevant.” 

Kate sighed, dropping the manuscript in front of her, “I’m going to humour you because… I set up something at three and I don’t think you’re going to respond that well to it.”

Anthony’s eyes narrowed behind his glasses, “I already don’t like where this is going. You’re not very good at giving bad news.”

“Excuse me, I’m amazing at giving bad news.” She tapped the front of the book she’d been reading, “For example, when I tell this author that this sequel to an already marginally successful first novel is so bad I was hoping to slip into a coma I’m going to say ‘Wow, what an interesting concept. But I wonder of there’s another untold story amongst the characters here.’”

Anthony let out a snort, peering over to it. He gave her a peevish look when she covered the author’s name with her hand. “You know, your reviews of other people’s work really makes me wonder what you say to Lucy about mine when I’m not around.”

“Stop fishing for compliments; you know you’re my favourite author. Sort of excellent segue actually.”

“Go on then,” Anthony groaned, flopping back against the grass. 

“You remember Professor Davies, who taught-”

Anthony shot back up, “Kate, what have you done?”

“You’re giving a reading of ‘Snow Filled Paper’ to his modern literature class at three.”

“Kate!” Anthony whined, “Why the hell did you set that up?!”

She wished he would just talk to her about what was really happening. She wished he would just tell her if he’d met someone else. She wished he would tell her if he needed distance from her but he didn’t. And she didn’t know how to bring it up. “Because you love talking about your writing. You love talking about writing in general and I’m hoping that talking it through might spark something for you.”

She’d expected him to be a little reluctant, she hadn’t expected him to squirm like this. “I unfortunately don’t have a copy to read from. So I’ll be unable to do that.”

“I have a copy.” She plucked it out of her bag and tossed it over to him. “Or you can read it off my kindle.”

He gave her a half smile. “You have me on your kindle? The same kindle featuring a sticker of Jesus judging you for reading smut?”

“Yeah, well, your book has a bit of smut so it’s in good company.”

“Well,” Anthony finally sighed, “I suppose I’m out of options aren’t I?”

“You are.” Kate patted his cheek. “Now go on, throw your frisbee for me.”

____________________________

God, she loved listening to Anthony read. She loved the animation in his voice and the rich, deep tone of it. She loved how she felt transported by the metaphor in his work and how much it seemed to live and breathe on the page but even more so when he read it aloud. she could almost feel the summer air around the characters, she could feel the grass under her fingers as she sat in the back row. She watched as Anthony smoothed his hair back and winked at her as he flipped the book open. 

“I’d like to dedicate this reading to Kate Sharma, my editor who’s here with me today. Professor Davies will tell you that she and I used to sit right here in this very room and argue the toss on… just about bloody anything. Kate begged me to remove this chapter from the book. She absolutely hated it-”

“I didn’t hate it.” Kate called out with a sigh but Anthony ignored her.

“She hated it! Let’s see what you think!”

Kate watched Anthony smile as he finished to a round of applause and turned towards her. “See Kit, it’s a good chapter.”

“I never said it wasn’t. I said it was slow during a fast section.”

“That’s why it works!”

“No, it’s jarring!”

“That’s the Kate and Anthony I remember.” Professor Davies sighed getting a chuckle from the class.

Anthony shrugged, turning back to the class, “I hadn’t really prepared anything else so maybe let’s do some questions?”

Several hands shot into the air and Anthony gestured to someone who called out. “This isn’t really about the book but more about publishing. How do you feel about the fact that publishing is becoming an increasingly digital space? There’s so many more paths to publishing now for example. Do you feel like that’s had an impact on your career.”

Anthony’s brow furrowed, “I thought you’d ask me about my fantastic use of metaphor but sure, a more philosophical question. I… don’t think that it’s impacted my career very much honestly. I’ve been… lucky in some respects that I write genres that are more acceptable to mainstream publishing, more sought after by publishing houses if not necessarily by readers. I’m think it’s still a great time to be in publishing honestly, there’s arguably more books being written than ever because of the options available for publishing and that could never be a bad thing.” Anthony looked her right in the eye and winked again before he said into the tiny microphone, “Unless you’re TF Dorset.”

“Fucking dickhead,” She muttered under her breath but she couldn’t bring herself to really hate him for it. Not watching him here, in his element. It was one of the things she’d been worried about, bringing him back to Oxford, she’d known seeing him here in his element would make her fall even further for him. It always did. This was his passion, a calling, truly. It was why she couldn’t let him give it up. 

“Another question?”

“Yeah, Who is the book about?”

Kate’s stomach dropped and her eyes shot to Anthony who froze, staring down at the book. He closed it carefully, running his fingers over it before he looked up.

“I… wrote this book for the love of my life. I think I’ll respect her privacy on that.”

Kate forced herself not to react though the words hit her skin like needles, tearing at her. she stared straight at the wall with tears in her eyes as he moved on.

“Is the person Siena Rosso was talking about on Graham Norton, you?”

“I… have no idea. I haven’t seen it.”

“She said she dated a novelist when she was at Oxford.”

“Well, Siena and I were… not meant to be. I’m happy her comedy’s working out though.”

Kate stood, ignoring Anthony’s questioning gaze and held up her phone as an explanation and finally when the door closed behind her she slumped against the wall.

Chapter Text

Kate 2018

Fuck, this had been a long day. A long week, in truth, coming at the end of a very long month. Kate sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and she took off her glasses so that she wouldn’t have to see any more of what was quite frankly, an affront to the English language. 

She closed the front of the manuscript, scribbling on a sticky note. How Desperate are we to fill out the line up?

She placed it gingerly in the tray on her desk before she turned to her computer, pulling up the template rejection letter.

“Mail.”

A heavy envelope thwacked onto the desk startling Kate a little and she frowned down at it, “For me?”

“For you.” The secretary confirmed before he rolled the cart away. 

The package was flipped so the plain brown paper stared back at her, and she reached out curiously, turning it over. It was as heavy as it looked, as heavy as the manuscript she’d just set aside and she frowned at the idea. It wasn;t uncommon for truly gutsy writers to send submission directly to the more senior editors at the firm but she wasn’t anyone. Not yet at least. They would have had to be truly desperate to think she could help them.

The address was neatly typed on a typewriter it looked like, certainly no mistake that it had been meant for her.

MISS KATE SHARMA

C/O AUBREY HALL PUBLISHING

Kate took out a letter opener and sliced along the top, already half wondering if her Mum had sent something to her instead of waiting to give it to her. She reached into the envelope frowning even more as her fingers closed around a piece of hard plastic. She tugged it from the envelope, staring down at a bright green frisbee.

“What the fuck?”

There was still something heavy in the envelope but her heart stuttered in her chest as she stared at the note taped to the front of the frisbee. She recognised the handwriting, even if it had been nearly two years since she’d seen its owner. Maybe there were some things you always remembered. Maybe once you’d seen it scrawled on the corner of your notebooks for three years while professors droned on you remembered it forever. Or maybe she remembered it for the same reason she had then. The same reason she’d forced herself to create a little bit of distance when she’d left university with James and tried to forget all about this man.

Kate,

You were the only person who was ever honest with me and I hope you will be now. Consider the frisbee a gift or an invitation to decapitate me. I’ll leave it in your capable hands. 

Miss You always.

All my love,

Anthony

She couldn’t help the smile that curved her lips as she stared down at his note, the sentiment echoing in her own chest. she still remembered how tight his arms around her had been at graduation and how they’d been stood outside the Crown the night before with rain falling between them as they said goodbye to the place they’d spent so much time. She could still remember the urgency in his voice when she’d turned to leave finally, her fingers slipping through his.

“Hey, Kate!”

“Yes, Anthony?”

The lights had been reflecting off his glasses and he’d stared at her as though he wanted to remember this moment forever. Part of her wondered now if he did just the same way she did. 

“Just… I’ve loved these years together. I’ll always love this time.”

Her heart stuttered in her chest and tears pricked at her eyes as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, “Me too. I’ll always love you, Ant. Even if you were a dickhead when we met.”

They’d kept in touch at first As she’d started here and he’d started writing the story he’d threatened to write for years but the distance had grown and she’d tended to it in some ways, as the after work drinks had stopped, and the phone calls had petered out until now he was a person she knew only through Instagram posts. Each one of them catalogued in her mind.

She slid the manuscript out, her fingers tracing over his name neatly printed on the front.

Anthony E Bridgerton. 

His pride and joy. And he’d sent it to her. 

Kate took a shuddering breath as she snatched her phone up from the table, she navigated to his contact and pressed call before she could convince herself not to. He answered on the second ring.

“Hello? This is Anthony, extremely handsome wordsmith. Can I ask who’s calling?” 

He sounded exactly the same. Warm and comforting. Almost like home. 

Kate pushed down the lump in her throat. “Hello, Mr Bridgerton. This is Kate Sharma from Aubrey Hall publishing. I was just calling to discuss your recent submission.”

She could hear the smile in his voice, “Kate Sharma, I knew you couldn’t resist the opportunity to tear me to shreds.”

Kate could almost feel a weight lifting off her shoulders. “You didn’t even know who was calling you. I could have been anyone.”

Anthony scoffed, “Did you actually think I deleted your number? Come on. I Still know who FuckOffAnthony is.”

She had no idea why tears were pricking at her eyes, not after so long but she took a shuddering breath. “You can’t just send me books. We have a submission process.”

“And let it be assigned to someone random? I don’t think so.”

“Always so eager for my scathing criticism.”

“I doubt you’ll have any scathing criticism of me this time.” Anthony clicked his tongue, “I think it’s pretty good.”

Kate flipped open the front cover. “I’ve found a spelling error already.”

“Well, if you’re going to nitpick.”

“I’ve missed you too.” 

It was out of her lips before she’d even realised she wanted to say it. She knew she felt it but she wasn’t sure she was going to tell him. 

Silence echoed through the phone for a moment before Anthony took a deep breath. “Have lunch with me tomorrow.”

Kate laughed, even though she didn’t feel like it. “I think we’re supposed to be schmoozing you, if we want to publish your book.”

“Eh, I’ll take pity on you. Won’t even make you eat a soggy kebab at a plastic table.”

“Oh, he’s such a gentleman.”

“I do try.” Anthony quipped, “Have lunch with me, Kit.”

“Okay, let’s have lunch.”

She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous. She wasn’t sure why her stomach had swooped when Anthony had texted her the details of the reservation he’d made. She wasn’t sure why she’d spent at least an hour picking through her wardrobe for something to wear. 

Her stomach was churning as she stepped into the restaurant, clearing her throat as the hostess stepped forward.

“Hi, I’m meeting someone here. Anthony?”

The Hostess smiled, “Yes, he’s already arrived.” She gestured for Kate to follow her, “You’re lucky, he’s handsome.”

“Oh,” Kate swallowed, knowing she didn’t need anyone to tell her that. “He’s just a friend.”

The hostess’s eyes lit up. “Interesting.”

Kate followed where the woman was gesturing and her heart stopped. Anthony’s hair was a little longer than it had been when they’d last met, falling in front of his glasses and he had a beard now but the way his smile lit up his eyes was just the same. He stood to greet her and stopped with his arms halfway out as though he’d thought better of it but Kate didn’t stop herself. She swept forward, wrapping her arms tightly around him. One arm wrapped around her waist and the other cradled her head gently as she buried her face in his neck, both of them holding on tightly for far longer than she should have. 

Finally she pulled back, stupid tears once again stinging her eyes and her throat tight. “Hey, you.”

“Hi, Kate.”

She had to force herself to let go of the grip she had on his arms, stepping back. “I like the beard.”

His hand shot up to rub at his cheek, “Thank you, I think it’s very distinguished.”

“Of course you do.”

“You just said you liked it.” He grinned, pulling her chair out for her. “No take backs.”

“No take backs.” She agreed as he sat across from her, still smiling.

“I was um… glad you called. Even more glad you didn’t bring the frisbee.”

“Eh, I decided to cash it in another day. I um… I was really glad to hear from you, Ant. I’ve missed you.”

Part of her wished the flutter in her stomach would disappear, part of her never wanted it to. Maybe she’d only convinced herself that she’d moved on, maybe she never had. Maybe she never would.

“Believe it or not I’ve missed having someone call me on my bullshit.” Anthony agreed, “Other people let me get away with too much. It’s not good for my ego.”

“Why do they let you get away with it?”

“I have a very nice smile, Kate. It’s cheeky and disarming.”

Kate rolled her eyes, “I see you’ve become even more humble.”

“I have, though some thought it impossible.”

“Hasn’t Simon knocked this out of you by now?”

“He hasn’t managed to, he’s washed his hands of the responsibility I think.”

“Shame.”

Anthony stared at her for a long moment before he cleared his throat, “I um… I heard about you and James. I’m sorry.”

Kate swallowed, forcing herself to shrug, “It was ages ago now. It just… yeah we weren’t meant to be I guess. We kind of realised we’d been together… nearly two years and we didn’t want to commit. So we just… split up. No dramatics.”

Anthony nodded, “Still, I’m sorry.”

“Wasn’t meant to be.” She shrugged again, “What about you? Girlfriend? Wife? Plethora of kids on the way?”

If he had any of that he hadn’t posted it on his social media. She’d made sure of it on the way here, scrolling obsessively through each post. 

“No, the only thing I’ve given birth to is my book.”

Kate felt her face crumple, “Never fucking say that to me again.”

“Oh come on! That was a good one!”

“No, no it wasn’t.”

“Did you get a chance to read it?”

Kate rolled her eyes, “It got delivered to me at 2pm yesterday. For those of us with conventional jobs; Yesterday was a Friday.”

“Excuse me; author is the world’s oldest profession.”

“I think that’s sex work.”

“Same same really.”

“You’re such a dickhead.” Kate chuckled, taking a sip from her water. 

“A dickhead who you’ve missed.” Anthony pointed out, smiling smugly. “Go on, you couldn’t resist reading at least one chapter. I might not have seen you in a few years, Kate, but I know you. Better than anyone I know you.”

It was true. after all this time it was still true. 

Kate sighed, “I finished it this morning. Couldn’t put it down. It’s a beautiful book Anthony.”

She wasn’t sure why she was surprised that the words breathed off the page. She’d loved everything about it. Even the things she’d change herself, even the things she’d written notes on. She’d felt every second of it herself and found herself at 5am putting it down with a sigh. “Anthony fucking Bridgerton.”

Anthony’s smile grew as he leaned back in his chair, “No notes then hey?”

“I didn’t say that.” Kate scoffed, “I’ve passed it higher up the food chain. They’ll be calling you on Monday to arrange a meeting I’d think. Get you into the editing process if you’re happy with the offer.”

“So, we’ll be working together.”

“Indirectly.” 

Anthony’s brow furrowed, “What do you mean? I sent the book to you.”

“I don’t… do that sort of editing yet really. I’m only a junior, someone more senior will-”

“No.” Anthony said, crossing his arms over his chest, “It’s you or no one.”

Kate felt her lips part in surprise at the vehemence in his voice, just as stubborn as she remembered. “Ant, that’s not really the way this works.”

“It will be.”

“You sound very confident.” 

“I am.” He grinned, waving over the waiter, “I’m very talented.”

“and again; so humble.” Kate sighed, “Remind me why you’re my best friend?”

She saw his shoulders freeze for a second before he cleared his throat, “I don’t know what to tell you, you’re clearly a woman of taste. Now, order please. I’m starving.”

“You won’t get your way, Ant.”

But of course, there she was, getting called into her boss’s office on Monday afternoon to find Anthony grinning happily.

“Well, hello, stranger.”

“Oh bloody hell.”

Chapter Text

Anthony 2023

“Alright, let’s brainstorm ideas.”

Anthony settled back against the leather seat of Kate’s father’s car as they turned out of the hotel parking lot. He bit back a groan as rifled through his bag for a distraction. He knew she wouldn’t leave him to the silence. She couldn’t. He’d frowned as he left the lecture hall days ago now, his brow furrowed as he looked around for her. He’d thought she’d be right back when she’d left with her phone but the minutes and the questions had ticked by until they dwindled into nothingness and Kate still hadn’t reappeared. Anthony had clapped his hands and said a polite goodbye to their old professor before he’d shouldered his bag.

He’d found her finally, sat on a stone bench around the courtyard with a blank look on her face. Anthony flopped down on the bench beside her. 

“You know when you force someone to speak in public I’m pretty sure its bad manners to abandon them to the masses.”

Kate startled as though she hadn’t even realised he’d been approaching her. She shook her head, “Come on, you love talking about yourself.”

“This is true.” Anthony sighed, “I am a gift to literature.”

She smiled at him but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I like having you in my life at least.”

“Everything okay?”

She looked so distant, “What?”

He felt himself frown, “You had to take a phone call and you never came back. Everything okay?”

Kate swallowed, shaking her head again, “Yeah, no everything’s great. It was just a work thing.”

He clicked his tongue and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, “If I’m getting binned off you can just tell me.”

Kate settled her head against his chest, her breath shuddering. “Shut up. You know they love you over there.”

I wish you loved me.

Anthony swallowed it down, knowing it wasn’t fair. 

“Should be get an early mark to the pub then?”

“Yeah.” Kate let him rise to his feet but she stayed seated, staring up at him.

“Everything okay?”

He remembered that look in her eyes from the night he’d almost told her that he was in love with her before the graduated. And the night months before that when she’d sat on the living room floor of his flat and their lips had almost touched before he’d pulled away.

“You told me once that I could tell you anything. Can I still?”

Anthony’s stomach churned and he almost told her that whatever she had to say he couldn’t stand to hear it. But that wasn’t fair either. “Of course, we’re best friends right? That’s what friends do.”

He saw her shoulders tighten a little  ad her brow furrowed as she stared at him. “Anthony I…” Her shoulders relaxed. “I lied. I bought those shoes I said I wasn’t going to last week. They’ll be waiting for me when we get home.”

He still felt unsettled. He was almost sure that hadn’t been what she’d wanted to say but he let her get away with it. “I bloody knew you would. Come on, let’s pick up the loaf dog.”

She hadn’t given him any time to think about it since. As though she was scared that she’d come too close to something that neither of them would be able to take back. And now here she was, even on the drive home, keeping him busy still.

Anthony tugged out the kindle he’d snagged from her yesterday, planning to write his own notes on his book for her to roll her eyes at later. “Why don’t I read to you aloud instead? Now lets see what’s on here.”

Kate made a wild attempt to snatch it off him. “Anthony, don’t!”

He quickly skimmed the page she’d stopped on, a chuckle escaping him. “Kate Sharma, you dirty dog.”

“I will pull this car over.”

“Then you won’t get to hear how they finish.” He turned the page, “Oo! He’s flipped her over. The headboard’s about to get broken.”

“I will crash this car.”

Anthony rolled his eyes, “You’d never endanger Newton like that. Oh look, She’s-”

Kate snatched the kindle off him and tossed it into the backseat. “You are such a dickhead.”

He pursed his lips, “Now we’ll never know what Reginald’s cum-phrase was.”

“Cum-phrase?!” Kate gagged. “You are disgusting.”

Anthony ignored her, “I’m suspicious it was a pun about being a Lord.”

“He wasn’t a Lord.” Kate rolled her eyes dismissively.

“Oh? What was he?”

“He was a farmer.”

“Oh my god.” Anthony laughed, enjoying her defiance. “Imagining a romp in the hay were we?”

“I refuse to feel shame.” Kate scoffed.

“And you shouldn’t.”

“I know you’re just trying to distract me.”Kate rolled her eyes, “Give me a book idea. You love telling me your ideas.”

He had loved that. He’d loved the two of them together with his notebook, fleshing out something he’d thought of last night as he’d brushed his teeth. 

Anthony sighed, “I do have one idea.”

Kate changed lanes, “sounds promising.”

“Yeah, it’s a murderous mystery.”

She raised one eyebrow, “Is it now?”

“Yeah, also a thinly veiled allegory that I think people are too dumb to understand.” He sighed, “A powerful business man is found dead in the bathtub-”

Kate swatted at him, “You are such a dickhead.”

He laughed, “Oh has that been done before? By every crime author ever.”

“What is your beef with Tom Dorset?”

Anthony rolled his eyes, “I don’t have beef with him. He clearly has beef with me.”

Kate sighed and Anthony watched as her eyes darted to him, “He thought we were together when I first started editing him.”

Anthony felt his fingers tighten into a fist. “Well, that’s… not so awful is it?”

Kate shrugged, still watching him. “I could do worse.”

He didn’t say anything and Kate didn’t either. Not for a few minutes.

“Are you really done, Ant? Is this it?”

Her voice was tiny, painful, and he felt it in his chest. Her own disappoint mingling with his. He nodded, barely able to believe it himself. “Yeah, I think so. I just… maybe I don’t;t have anything to say anymore. I think Snow fucking… it took something from me, Kate. Something I don;t think I’ll ever get back and… I don’t know.”

Kate’s teeth bit into her lower lip and she nodded, staring at the road ahead rather than him. “I’m sorry, Ant.”

“Don’t be,” He squeezed her hand, “Not your fault.”

How could he blame her for not wanting the same thing as him? He wished he could sometimes. Maybe it would be less painful if he let himself hate her. He wished she’d stop calling him. He wished she’d talk shit about his writing or be rude to his siblings or something. But the rest of him wanted to treasure her. Treasure all the little things that she let him see that no one else would ever know. 

“Promise me we won’t split up again.”

He took a deep breath, “Come on, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“I did once.”

He remembered those times. He remembered when he hadn’t been able to stomach seeing her happy with someone else anymore and it had nearly killed him to let her drift away from him. It had nearly killed him to try it again and he knew he wasn’t strong enough to do it in any case.

“Won’t happen again.” He tried to make light of the situation. “Tell you what, when you drop me back home lets order takeout and have a party. Just us two.”

“Aren;t you sick of me yet?”

 “Never. Besides you can’t miss the wake for my career.”

Her lips almost formed a smile, “I guess not.”

________________________

“To the death of my career!”

Anthony forcibly clinked his glass against Kate’s who rolled her eyes, “Can you please not be so flippant about this?”

“But i love being flippant.”

Kate settled back against the sofa, her legs tucked up underneath her. “I know being flippant is part of your whole ‘I don’t give a damn about anything. I love being a tortured artist’ vibe. But I love working together.”

Her hand closed around his, squeezing it comfortingly and he held onto it a little desperately. “You’ll find someone else you love working with.”

Kate groaned, “Ugh! You’re the only person whose ego I don’t have to skirt around.”

“Thank you, for never wondering whether you’re hurting my feelings.”

“You know what I mean.” She nudged him, “I can always tell you exactly what I’m thinking. Exactly what I want to tell you. Even if we don’t always agree, we make a great team.”

“We do make a great team.”

There was no denying that. He couldn’t have denied it even if he wanted to. Even if they’d both fought so hard for their opinion on his writing until he’d slammed the door and stood with his hands on his hips outside of her office for a full minute, thinking over what she’d said with his jaw clenched before turning on his heel and storming back into the office, his shoulders still heaving.

“If I was going to change it, what would you want to see?”

Kate would always look up from her desk, her own chest still heaving. “How about no more bloody run one sentences for one?”

“That’s part of my style, get over it Sharma. Respectfully of course.”

“Well, in that case I’d settle for the scene being cut in half and bringing the B plot forward.”

He’d always throw himself into the chair, hating that he already knew she was right, “Fine.”

He’d loved the back and forth between them, loved sitting in her office and taking her to lunch  and the hundreds of new shirts he’d bought to take her to those lunches. Of course he could still visit her. He could still have lunch with her but it felt like they were standing on the edge of something now. It felt like the intimacy would disappear from their relationship and He wouldn’t recognise their relationship anymore. Hell, he probably wouldn’t recognise himself anymore. 

“You’re my favourite author, you know.”

Anthony stopped with his glass held to his lips, “No I’m not. Your favourite author is Jane Austen.”

“I do love Jane Austen. She knows the real horrors of having unannounced guests.”

“You love when I just drop round.”

“Yeah, but you’re Anthony. I love you.” 

At least she loved him this way. 

Kate took a sip of her drink, “You’re still my favourite though. You know I still have the first thing you wrote me at uni?”

Anthony’s brow furrowed, “Why? I don’t even remember what it was.”

That wasn’t exactly true. He vaguely remembered it being something he’d probably cringe about now. He’d been so desperate to impress her then. He still was really. Maybe he hadn’t grown as much as he’d like to think.

“It was beautiful and it made me realise that I was wrong about you.” Kate smiled to herself. “Sometimes I think those were my favourite times. I was a poor uni student but I loved arguing with you.”

“We still argue.”

“Yeah but… it’s just different.” She shrugged and stared down at her drink for a second.

Anthony seized the opportunity. “That’s the second time in a week you haven’t told me what you really wanted to say.”

Kate raised her eyebrows, “How do you know that?”

Anthony rolled his eyes, “Because I know you, Kate. Name one person that knows you better than I do.”

“Well, probably my-”

“It can’t be a family member!” Anthony cut in revelling a little at her peeved expression.

“Simon.”

“Simon?” Anthony scoffed. “Name one thing about you that Simon knows that I don’t.”

She paused for a second, eyebrows still lifted. Her throat bobbed, and finally she spoke more into her glass than to him. “Simon knows what I was going to tell you.”

Anthony’s heart was in his throat, “What were you going to tell me?”

Kate shook her head, finally dropping his hand and standing up. He watched her fingers flex before she made her way to his desk. “What are you going to do with this sweet writer’s den now that you’re retired?”

“Lock it up and throw away the key.” He said flippantly, desperate to get back to their other conversation. “What were you going to tell me?”

She still ignored him. She plucked his book off the desk, “To celebrate the death of your career, let me finally tell you what my favourite parts of this book are.”

Anthony flopped back against the sofa himself, “Oh please, be my guest.”

“Let’s start from the beginning,” Kate flipped open the cover, clearing her throat “Snow Filled Paper by Anthony E Bridgerton.”

He inclined his head in a faux bow, “Go ahead, lets hear my genius.”

Kate laughed as she turned the page to the dedication. Her eyes fell to the page and Anthony remembered why that copy was different, why he’d hid it from her all these months. He remembered how he’d scrawled her name above the vague her. Angry and upset that she’d rejected him, he hadn’t wanted to lie to himself here. 

He watched her lips form her own name and he knew he’d finally have to face the conversation that they’d skirted around so many times. 

Fuck.

Maybe this really was a wake. Maybe what they were really mourning was the friendship that couldn’t exist any longer. Maybe they just hadn’t wanted to say it.

“Kate, please just-”

“Why is my name written in the front of this book?”

Chapter Text

Anthony 2016

Anthony’s neck felt warm as Kate leaned back against his chest, laughing at Simon. His arm was thrown casually over her shoulders, the warmth from the fire making him forget the frost that was still on the windows after winter break.

“No, no, it’s not funny.” Kate sighed, “It’s not. Your Dad got you a briefcase for Christmas? That’s fucking awful.”

Simon shrugged as he took a drag from his drink, “No idea what the fuck he thinks I’m going to use that for.  But you know, I guess that’s what happens when you refuse to spend any time with your kid.”

Anthony had never been able to imagine that. Even when they were growing up Anthony had stood in abject confusion as he and Simon ate lunch and dinner apart from Simon’s father. It had always been so far removed from what he’d experienced with his own family where his mother and father took time out of their days, made space for them as a family. He’d been spoiled maybe, showered with affection and told how good he was at everything and Simon had had the opposite. He’d been almost surprised the first time Anthony’s father had stood up, clapping his hands loudly and whistled when Simon had saved a goal as they’d played football.

“Awesome play, Mate! Great work!”

“That was- That was me, Mr Bridgerton. Not Anthony.”

Anthony’s father had laughed, “Yeah, I was talking to you Mate! Well Done! You’re doing great!”

Anthony had never been able to imagine what it would feel like for your parent to be so uninterested in supporting you. 

“Well, I’m sure he has visions of you being a very successful… what are you studying again?” Anthony joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Simon flipped him off. “You’re a fucking arsehole, Bridgerton.”

Kate laughed as Simon stood, downing his pint, “I’m getting another round. Even though you two fuckers don’t deserve it.”

Neither of them spoke as Simon made his way to the bar, slipping past the other students reuniting after the holidays. 

“I missed you.” He couldn’t keep it in any longer.

He’d felt a shift, the last few months. Almost as though the way he felt had built up too far inside of him and he couldn’t hold it in any longer. It seemed so close to the surface now, every time he looked at her he felt the words on the tip of his tongue. He’d spent his entire break knowing Kate was just across the city, unwrapping the gift he’d picked out for her and slipped into her backpack while he’d waited with her for her parents to pick her up. 

He’d resisted the urge to call her on Christmas morning after she’d messaged him on the drive home, a photo of his book. 

You’re an arsehole.

He had been a bit of an arsehole with it, not that she’d known that then. An early edition of Wuthering Heights, the first book that they’d argued over. 

Kate hadn’t brought it up though. Whether she’d been waiting to see him in person or she never intended to he wasn’t sure. 

He’d dropped his bag in his bedroom and headed straight over to Kate’s dorm, sat on the hood of his car.

Kate had rolled her eyes as she’d walked down the street, obviously taken the train home. “Can I not even bloody unpack first?” 

“You can’t.” Anthony had said seriously, wrapping her in a hug, swaying on the street before she punched him lightly in the stomach. 

“Wuthering Heights? Seriously? You bought me a beautiful book and it’s Wuthering Heights.”

Anthony laughed, “Oh but the book doesn’t bother you, because you just appreciate good book binding. I know that about you.”

She wrinkled her nose at him. “I hate that you know that about me. I assume you enjoyed your typewriter socks.”

Anthony pulled up the leg of his jeans to show them to her. “But of course, I also loved my scarf, thank you very much.”

“I also assume that you’re here to pull me out for a night of heavy drinking that’ll have me very seedy ahead of our 8am lecture tomorrow?”

“Of course I am. Toss your bag upstairs and I’ll personally escort you.”

She looked behind him at his care. “And leave your baby out here? With the rabble?”

Anthony sighed, “Kate, obviously we’re driving back to my place leaving her there and picking up Simon, come on. Catch up.”

“And you couldn’t just text me to meet at the pub?”

“Obviously not.”

“Right,” Kate sighed, “Wait here then.”

She’d tucked her arm in his while Simon had trailed behind, her chin resting on his shoulder while she’d talked about her holiday and Anthony had wanted to turn to her  right there on the street. Snow was falling and she’d looked so beautiful with one of his old scarves wrapped around her and her eyes dancing. He’d wanted to run his fingers through her hair and tell her.

“I love you, Kate. I’ve always loved you and I will keep on loving you for the rest of my life.”

“Why are you staring at me like that?” She’d asked him eventually. “It’s barely been ten days since you saw me.”

“I just… I like your new nose ring. Congratulations on your face. Well done to your parents.”

“Yeah,” Kate had rolled her eyes, “And congrats to your parents for making a complete moron.”

Anthony had sighed, “You shouldn’t talk about Benedict like that. I mean it’s true but he’s my brother.”

“Dickhead.”

“I know you missed me.” Kate sighed, “You were waiting to ambush me as soon as I got home. I’m surprised I didn’t see you running beside the train on the way into the station.”

“Well,” He clicked his tongue, “I did consider it. But ultimately I’ve decided it’s too early.” 

Kate frowned at him. “Too early for what?”

“Too early for me to have a midlife crisis and start training for the London marathon.”

“Are you sure?” Kate said skeptically. “I think you’d look amazing in the Lycra outfit and one of those stupid hydration vests.”

“Mirrored sunglasses do really seem like my style.”

“They do.” she swayed a little closer to him. “I missed you too.”

Her finger was tracing the grain of the wood table, brushing along the side of his hand. “Oh did you.”

“Yeah.”

“Kate from three years ago never would have said that.”

“Kate from three years ago was an idiot.”

“Well to be fair so was Anthony.” Anthony inclined his head, “And here’s where you say ‘Anthony’s still an idiot’.”

She raised her eyebrows, “I never said that.”

“You wanted to.”

“I did but you beat me too it.”

Anthony leaned back against the wood of the booth, letting his eyes trail along the crowd. “Ah, we’ve lost Simon.”

Simon had completely abandoned the round he’d offered in favour of leaning against the bar, a new drink in his hand for himself and an easy smile on his face as he handed another to the girl in front of him. 

Kate sighed, “We’re not getting any more drinks are we?”

“I don’t Think we are.”

Anthony sighed, “Well, I’m going out for a smoke. Wanna keep me company?”

Kate gave him an almost stern look, “Do I want to keep you company while you fill your lungs with cancer?”

He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, do you?”

She stared at him for a moment, “Fuck off, yeah alright.”

She slid out of the booth ahead of him and tossed him his coat. She waited for Anthony to tug it on before she took his arm again. The snow was still falling lightly and the air froze in their lungs as they stepped outside, Anthony fishing in his pocket for a smoke. 

“Want one?” He held the cigarette case out towards her ignoring her sarcastic glare. 

“No. You always offer, and I always say no.”

“Well, it’s still polite.” He held the cigarette between his teeth and lit it, tossing the lighter to her. “I know you want that to keep warm.”

He let the smoke fill his lungs, burning in the cold air, twirling between them as he let it out. The light was like a halo around Kate as she flicked the lighter open and closed, watching the flame.

“Do you actually like smoking?”

Anthony felt his eyebrows lift, “What?”

“What?” She imitated his voice, “Very eloquent Mr Bridgerton. A future award winner.”

“Why would I smoke if I didn’t like it?”

“Do you like doing it? Or do you live the image of you smoking as you type on a typewriter sweating away in your shirtsleeves.”

“You’ve watched Moulin Rouge too many times.” Anthony rolled his eyes, taking another drag of his cigarette. “And imagining me sweaty? Kate Sharma, if you want to shag me just ask.”

Kate rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “You fucking wish, Anthony.”

Anthony scratched his eyebrow to avoid saying what he actually wanted to, “Fuck, it’s cold.” 

He dropped his cigarette on the pavement, stamping it out. “Come on.”

He jerked his head down the street, waiting for her to follow. She didn’t.

“Pick that up.”

“Fuck’s sake.” Anthony muttered under his breath, giving her a pointed smile as he picked it up and put it in the bin. “Happy, Darling?”

“Rapturous, Sweetheart.”

She took the arm he was holding out for her, following him down the street. “Where are we going?”

“We’re going to get a fucking kebab and then argue in the warmth of my lovely flat.”

It was a mistake to bring Kate here. He sensed that the moment he stepped inside with Kate’s hand closed around the hem of his peacoat. He could swear he could still feel the warmth of her hand through her leather gloves. He was still freezing but he felt warm as they stripped off their jackets and flopped onto the floor of the living room. 

He should get up, turn on more than the one light burning in the entryway that he’d flicked on when they’d stepped inside but he couldn’t stop staring at the way the light filtering through the old windows highlighted her face, even as she laughed at him.

“You don’t really believe that.”

“I do.”

“No, you don’t.” Kate reached out and flicked the end of his nose, teasing him, “You don’t actually believe that the Hunger Games is the greatest contemporary novel ever written.”

“I never said ever written.” Anthony shook his head, “what I said was that Suzanne Collins wasn’t afraid to treat her audience like smart people who understood the political allegory she was putting in front of them. I said it was a great concept.”

kate looked a little annoyed, “I… fuck I actually do agree with you. But if you say Katniss should have needed up with Gale I’ll scream.”

“Oh Prim’s murderer? Gross. My boy Peeta would never! He wanted Katniss to be happy even if it wasn’t with him. Can we say the same for Gale? I think not.”

She shoved him, “Of course you’re a Peeta fan.”

“What’s not to like about a boy who kept her from starving and never asked for anything in return?”

Kate’s brow furrowed for a second, her fingers played with the woollen tights she had on under her skirt. “What do you think it feels like?”

“To be stuck in an arena forced to kill people? Probably not great.”

Kate rolled her eyes, swatting him again. “I obviously meant loving someone that way.”

Anthony’s heart stopped. He knew what that felt like, loving someone from a distance, wanting her to be happy even if it meant he had to stay away. Even if it meant he carried on feeling this way forever. As long as she was happy that was all that mattered to him. Maybe there’d never be a moment better than this, with the dim light and her body leaning against his.

“You’ve never been in love? Not even with ahh… now what was his name? Damien?”

“Dan.” Kate rolled her eyes, “His name was Dan.”

“Oh right.” Anthony nodded, “Not even with David?”

She ignored him this time. “I thought that… I thought I did at the time. When we were in school it didn’t seem so… important I guess. All the little things that we didn’t Have in common just didn’t seem that important. And then… when it all fell apart I just… I don’t know. Maybe I did love him but… I think I needed him to follow me here because I knew we wouldn’t Survive if we had any distance. I wouldn’t miss him like I do…”

She trailed off and he was desperate for her to finish the sentence but she didn’t. Anthony cleared his throat, “I’ve never felt like that with one of my girlfriends.”

It wasn’t a lie. Because she wasn’t his girlfriend. 

Kate’s lips pulled into half a wry smile. “You miss me.”

“Well, who else is going to turn a conversation about a dystopian teen novel into an existential crisis.”

Kate stared at him, her lips parting, so beautiful. She turned away suddenly. “Stop staring at me, you weirdo.”

Anthony turned away, snatching the Polaroid camera Benedict had left on the table up. “Well then, I’ll need a photo. I here that’ll last longer.”

Kate laughed as he took the photo, then posed for another and another until she tugged the camera out of his hands.

She toppled over, the weight of her settling against his chest and time seemed to freeze.

They’d never been this close before. Anthony was sure they hadn’t. Her lips were nearly brushing his and his head felt fuzzy from the alcohol and her perfume and the feel of her as her eyes stared into his.

Kiss Her.

It’s perfect. Kiss her.

No, don’t. Let this stay perfect. 

Anthony cleared his throat, shaking his head as he pulled back. 

“Do you want the bed or the couch?”

Kate stared at her tights again for a moment before she tilted her chin up. “Bed, obviously.”

“Good, because I wasn’t letting you take the couch. I’m a gentleman.”

“I know.”

Chapter Text

Kate 2023

Kate stared down at the pages of the book she’d read time and time again. She’d nearly missed it honestly, nearly read it off by heart but she’d wanted to make a show of the thing that was slowly breaking her heart. She’d skimmed over it at first and then her heart stopped when she saw Anthony’s handwriting scrawled over the page. She knew it was his writing. How many times had she seen Anthony’s writing? Thousands? Millions of times? Scrawled on the back of napkins and in the margins of books he leant her. She’d watched it form so many times from beside him or across the table when an idea struck him. She’d watched his shoulders curve as he hunkered over the table with his nose inches from the paper and his hair flopping over his brow. She’d fallen in love with him just like that. The way he lost himself in his writing. And here he’d written her name where she’d convinced herself it didn’t belong.

Had she been wrong?

Anthony looked defeated as she stared at him now with her question ringing in the air. His hand rubbed roughly along the beard on his jawline, leaving a red line there as he sighed. “Why do you think, Kate?”

She could hardly breathe, couldn’t move as she stared at him, her voice absconding her. “Anthony, I-”

“Please, don’t Kate.” He still wasn’t looking at her. He was staring into the fire instead, the flames flickering across the lines on his face.

She tried to chuckle, even though her throat felt dry. “Don’t what? Don’t read? Might be hard. That’s what I do for a living remember?”

“Goddamnit, Kate!” 

She felt herself flinch backwards at the anger in his voice and his eyes when he finally looked at her. 

“Anthony-”

“Do I have to lie to you even now?! Do you want to lie in my own fucking head?! Is that what you want?!”

It felt as though her head was spinning as she stood there knowing that they were on the precipice of something that they might have teetered on the edge of a thousand times before. How many times had she thought something was going to happen between them? How many times had she thought he was going to lean in and press his lips against hers? How many times had she almost turned her head at the last minute when he’d gone to kiss her cheek instead and let his lips find the corner of hers instead? She’d been wrong about what Anthony wanted at every turn. How could she trust herself now when her traitorous heart had been wrong so many times before?

“I know you don’t want to talk about this. I know that. I know that you’d rather I just shut the hell up and disappeared into obscurity and be someone you fucking knew once but I… I can’t do it Kate.” Anthony swallowed thickly as he stood, running his hands through his hair as if he didn’t know what else to do. “Kate, I have loved you since I was eighteen years old. I think I loved you from the moment I threw that stupid frisbee at your head and you yelled at me. I have loved you when I was single and I’ve loved you when we were with other people even though I fucking tried not to. When we left university I tried to let you go because I couldn’t keep loving you and watching you not want me. It was destroying me. And still I sat down and I write that first book and you were all I thought about.”

Kate had thought she hadn’t been able to breathe before, now she thought she might never breathe again. Anthony’s eyes were wide and his hands reached out towards her and still her mind kept reeling on as she stood frozen. “You love me.”

Anthony let out a hollow laugh, “Yeah, but… you already knew that didn’t you? I wrote that book for you. Every single word, everything I write, everything I do is for you. I bloody named it after a story you write at uni that I loved so much I stole it from the bin when you threw it out. And you knew that and you said nothing and I still couldn’t let you go. Because I love you so much I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me, Kate. I know you love me as much as you can and it’s not the way I want you to love me and it’s not fair of me to put this on you but I love you. That’s why I don’t want to write anymore. I have nothing to say because I said it all to you and you had nothing to say. So I don’t either.”

Anthony’s voice cracked and Kate could feel tears in her eyes that were shining in his. She hadn’t been wrong. Anthony had felt it too, this huge heartbreaking thing that kept growing and growing between them as they passed one another. They’d let so many moments pass them by waiting for the right one, the perfect one. And this one wasn’t perfect either. But it was the one they had. 

“You’re in love with me.”

Anthony stared at her, his lips parted in surprise, as though he couldn’t believe what she was saying. “God, I- I have to go.”

Kate jerked her head backwards as Anthony turned on his heels and marched towards the door. Finally Kate could move again and she rushed after Anthony, catching him in time to throw the front door open without his coat.

“Anthony, this is your bloody house!”

“Keep it!”

“You don’t have a coat on and it’s bloody snowing!”

“Kate, don’t worry about me! I’m not your problem anymore!”

“Anthony, just bloody well wait!” Kate grabbed his arm with a frustrated growl as she tugged him back. Before she could stop her self she brought her lips crashing down against his. He froze under her touch for a moment, for so long that she nearly pulled back but he finally moaned, the sound vibrating through both of their chests. Anthony’s arms wrapped around Kate’s waist, pulling her flush against him. He tilted her chin backward to deepen the kiss and Kate wasn’t aware of anything but the feel of Anthony under her hands, the two of them finally together.

Anthony jerked his head backwards suddenly, snow melting in his hair and his glasses fogged. “Is this a pity kiss?”

The freezing air caught in her chest for a moment and her lips parted in surprise. “What?”

“Do you just feel sorry for me?”

Kate couldn’t fight back the laugh that bubbled in her chest and she hid it in Anthony’s neck, hugging him tightly. “Anthony, I’ve been in love with you since I was eighteen as well. I… love your grumpy frown when an author doesn’t use Oxford commas, and I love the fact that you don’t go anywhere without a sweater in your bag and, I have loved you… almost every day since the day we met but we just missed one another so many times and I was so scared to lose you and I convinced myself that you would never feel the same way. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you, Anthony. I love you too.”

She felt Anthony’s breath leave his body. She felt his arms wrap around around her tighter, holding her so gently as they swayed together on the street. Anthony took another deep breath before he let out a satisfied hum. “I knew you thought my glasses were cute.”

Kate chuckled, kissing the underside of his jaw, “I never bloody pretended not to think they were cute. I can write you an ode to them on your stupid typewriter if you let me get out of the snow eventually.”

Anthony scoffed, “I will humbly accept my ode tomorrow. Tonight I can think of about a thousand other things for us to do.”

________________________

Anthony’s bedsheets were soft as Kate rolled over, her arms out as she searched for him under the covers. Her muscles ached pleasantly but she frowned as she peered around the darkness, looking for a man that wasn’t anywhere to be found. The bed beside her was just turning cold and her stomach churned a little at the thought of him slipping out of bed beside her, regretting what he’d told her hours before, regretting the way their lips had met and their bodies had moved together desperately. 

Kate slipped out of bed, grabbing a sweater from Anthony’s dresser as she passed and slipping it over her head. She scratched Newton behind the ears as he rolled onto his back in the hallway, his tongue lolling out happily.

“Where is he?”

She could see a light on downstairs and she moved towards it, almost terrified of what she’d see. She took the stairs carefully, moving towards the dimly lit kitchen at the end of the hallway.

“Ant?”

There he was. A smile came to her lips as she caught sight of Anthony, bathed in the orange light from the singular lightbulb he’d turned on. His hair was rumpled and he was wearing nothing but his boxer briefs and a pair of socks. A bowl of cereal was beside him on the counter and a spoon dangled forgotten from his mouth as he squinted at the screen of his phone without his glasses, his thumbs moving rapidly over the screen.

“You know, a lot of women would find it really offensive if you snuck out of bed to answer an email.”

Anthony’s head shot up and he looked a little guilty when he removed the spoon from between his teeth, putting it back in the bowl. “This is way more important than an email.”

Kate walked slowly towards him, revelling a little in the way Anthonys eyes trailed over her legs, a slightly smug smile forming on his lips. She reached out and took a spoon full of of his cereal, chewing it slowly. “Are you breaking up with your other girlfriend?”

Anthony raised his eyebrows, “Other girlfriend? Does this mean…? You’re one of my girlfriends?”

It felt a little strange, to be so confident now in what lay between them but she scoffed. 

“Ant, I didn’t wait 10 years to not be your girlfriend. Sorry.”

His smile turned even more smug and he leaned down to kiss her quickly before he clicked his tongue, “Technically it was 10 years and 3 months. You waited 10 years and three months to be my girlfriend.”

“Okay, we need to come up with something else that doesn’t sound so fucking tragic, thanks.”

“I like our story, I think I’ll call Simon now and surprise him that I’ve you know, finally triumphed.”

Kate narrowed her eyes, “Simon knows you were in love with me?”

“Obviously. Before he got my sister pregnant t out of wedlock-”

“Literally never use that term again unless you’ve found a Time Machine.”

“-We were buddies. I told him everything.” Anthony finished, “I enjoy that our back and forth has survived our foray into the magical land of sex.”

Kate grimaced, “Simon’s a little snake, because he knew I was in love with you as well. And please don’t talk about us having sex like that.”

“It was magical and I’m sticking to that.” Anthony ignored her, wrapping his arm around her to tug her against his chest. “And you were just obsessed with me hey? Couldn’t stop telling everyone.”

Kate rolled her eyes, “I’m glad you’ve got your groove back, but exactly how long can I expect the gloating to go on?”

“At least ten more years.”

“Good to know.” Kate sighed, relaxing into the feel of his chest against her, “What are you doing up?”

Anthony sighed, “I woke up and I was a little bit hungry and I… just really wanted to get this idea down before it disappeared from my head. Couldn’t stop thinking about these two little snatches of dialogue.”

Kate’s heart stopped for the hundredth time that night. She chose her words carefully, “You were writing?”

Anthony nodded, his chin moving against her head. “I was worried the typewriter would wake you up.”

Kate let out a sigh of relief, turning in his arms to face the phone screen he was still holding. She let her eyes skim over the words written there, the familiarity of his prose, his voice. She smiled against his arm. “That should be a semi colon.”

Anthony rolled his eyes, “I’m writing again after months and this is what she says to me?”

Kate hummed, “Is this what I have to look forward to? You sneaking out of bed to write in the middle of the night?”

“Very possibly.”

“I’m buying you one of those typewriter keyboards for your iPad then. If you’re writing int he middle of the night, you’re doing it in bed.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Kate sighed, smiling as she thought of something else, “I’d also just like a tiny bit of credit for being right?”

Anthony raised his eyebrows. “What for this time?”

“All those weeks ago I offered to shag you to break your writer’s block. We could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble.”

Chapter Text

Kate 2024

“Anthony’s here for you.”

Kate sighed as she pressed the intercom button, letting her eyes slide to the glass wall of her office. Anthony was standing on the other side of the wall, perched on the edge of Lucy’s desk. He was grinning at her, a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

“Sorry, Lucy. Can you tell him I’m waiting on Tom Dorset?”

“Did you get that, Anthony?”

She watched his face fall through the glass and fought the urge to smirk as his voice echoed through the phone. “Oh, like fuck she is.” His voice was louder as he leaned closer to the phone. “Like fuck you are!”

He pushed the door open with his foot and Kate looked surprised, as though she’d just noticed him. “Oh, hey babe! Didn’t see you there.”

“TF Dickhead?!”

After all this time she still knew exactly how to rile him up. Or maybe because she’d known him so long it was so easy, this back and forth. They’d fallen into their relationship so easily in the year since. It was hard to believe now that part of the reason she’d been so terrified to tell Anthony how she felt was that she’d been afraid of some sort of monumental shift between them. But it had never come. Not even between their families. 

Kate had felt awkward, sat at her parents dining room table with the bruises from Anthony’s teeth still on her neck mercifully covered by her sweater. 

“How was Oxford? How did you and Anthony get on?”

Kate tried to make eye contact with her father across the table, running her fingers through her hair. “Um yeah, it was good.” She paused a little, “We um… we had a good time.”

“You should have brought him for dinner.” Mary said, taking a sip from her drink. Kate shifted a little under her mother’s gaze when she got the uncomfortable feeling she always did that Mary was looking right through her.

“Um… he’s… like… busy tonight I think.” Truth be told she had plans to meet up with him after dinner but she’d wanted to do this alone.

“Why are you acting weird?”

Kate rolled her eyes at Edwina, “I’m not acting weird.”

“You are.” Edwina narrowed her eyes, “Oh my god, are you pregnant?!”

“What?!” Their father nearly choked. “Are you?!”

“I’m not.” Kate sighed as Mary thumped him on the back.”Let’s all remember that I’m twenty-eight though. It’d hardly be a disaster.”

“Sorry, just flashed back to you being sixteen again.”

“I’m not pregnant.” Kate cleared her throat, “I just… I guess I have some news?”

Mary’s hand clutched Kate’s father’s arm tightly, “Oh my god, it’s happening.’

“Um… kind of?”

“I’m surprised Anthony didn’t ask me first.” Her dad tutted.

“Stop you’re ruining this.”

“Anthony and I are together.” Kate couldn’t keep the smile off her face when she said it. She’d thought about him all day sat behind her desk waiting for Anthony to arrive for lunch. He’d had a bouquet of flowers in one hand and an outline for the book he’d already started plotting out this morning and her heart thudded in her chest at the sight of him. 

Both of her parents and Edwina stared back at her. “And…?”

Kate stared at them, not really sure how to proceed. “And… that’s kind of big news?”

“And…” Mary blinked at her, “You’re getting married. He asked you to marry him in Oxford.”

Kate felt her mouth fall open in surprise. “What?! No! We just got together!”

Edwina frowned, “Not like… just though right?”

“Yes! Just! Anthony wrote his book for me!”

“Well, obviously.”

“No!” Kate squawked, “Not obviously!”

Mary’s brow furrowed, “Kate, darling, I would never be critical of you. You know that-”

“Isn’t reading comprehension your fucking job?” Edwina cut in.

“Well said.” Mary hummed.

“I don’t-! It was a very well written book!”

“I wonder if we can get some money back from Oxford.” Tharman mused. 

“Can we stop?! Anthony and I are together and I’m really happy we’ll maybe get married at some point in the future but he hasn’t asked me yet!”

Everyone stared at her for a moment before Mary cleared her throat, “Well, sweetheart. I’m very happy for you.” Mary nudged Tharman, “Aren’t we, darling?”

“I’m happy if you’re happy, peanut. I like Anthony, he’s a good kid.”

“Again, we’re twenty-eight.”

“With the reading comprehension of a five year old apparently.” Edwina held up her hand to their father.

“Dad, don’t high-five her for that!”

“At least let the door swing shut before you call my most important client a dickhead.” Kate sighed, sliding her reading glasses up to her forehead.

Anthony let his satchel drop to the floor, completely indignant. “Your most important client?!” He jabbed his finger at the bookcase, “Who the hell’s that handsome devil, then?”

Kat turned slowly towards the shelf with his books all lined up in a row, the book that had brought them together finally open to the dedication with his signature scrawled over a message he’d written the day after they’d gotten together.

Forever Yours, Anthony. 

She sighed, “That’s just some guy I had a crush on at uni.”

Anthony rolled his eyes and leaned down to kiss her quickly. “Think you’ll get over it any time soon?”

Kate let her fingers trail over his cheekbones, “I haven’t yet.” She let him pull back, “Where are the boys?”

Anthony smiled, sitting on the edge of her desk. “I left them at home.”

Home. The place they shared together. Not that it had taken them long. They’d gotten about ten weeks into their relationship before Kate had been stood in Anthony’s bedroom staring at a left and right shoe that almost matched.

“Did I… wear two different shoes to work yesterday?”

Anthony shrugged from the bed, “WHO knows. You could avoid wearing shoes if you come back to bed.”

Kate had rolled her eyes but shrugged, “What are you doing this weekend?”

“We have a brunch with Si and Daphy on Sunday.”

She’d kissed him lightly, “So you’re free Saturday.”

“I’m always free for you.”

“You’re sweet.” Kate hummed, “So you’ll get the boxes.”

Anthony sat up a bit straighter, “The boxes for what?”

“I’m moving in.” Kate said matter-of-factly. “Or you can move in with me and Newton but I’m not having my stuff in two places anymore. It’s making me look insane.”

Anthony grinned at her when he wrapped his arms around her waist and tugged her down against his chest. “You want to live with me?”

“God help me I actually miss the sound of you typing when I’m not here.”

“Well, I’m a relentless typer. You’ll never get away from it. It could be your Silver Springs.”

“You aren’t selling it to me, Babe.”

“Please,” He scoffed, “You still had a crush on me when I tried out a waxed moustache for six months.”

“Yeah, that was… a choice.”

“Maybe I should try it again.” 

“If you want this relationship to work, I wouldn’t.”

“No fighting before you left?”

“Tiny Templeton was curled up in Newton’s bed.” Anthony smiled holding out his phone this show her a picture of his tiny black and white kitten, curled up between Newton’s front paws. Sleeping soundly. “Newton’s getting better at being a big brother.”

Kate leaned back in her chair, “Are you here to write or are you here to feed me?”

Anthony held his finger up, digging through his satchel with the other. “I actually have a delivery for you. As promised: One completed manuscript.”

This was one of her favourite things. The very first time she got to read one of his books from start to finish. There was always something so magical about it and her fingers itched even now to reach out and take it in her hands but she forced herself not to.

“And you made the adjustments I suggested at Chapter 15?”

Anthony narrowed his eyes. “I… didn’t not make them.”

“Which means you changed it but not the way I suggested.”

Anthony out his hands on his hips, “Well, I think it was a mistake to have you edit these books. You know me too well.”

“That’s exactly why I should be editing it.” Kate took it off him and placed it on her desk neatly before she stood. “Come on, You can argue with me about it when we get back from lunch.”

“Ah… you don’t want to take it with you?” Anthony suddenly looked nervous. 

Kate froze in the act of putting her coat on. “Ah… why would I?”

“Because you love my writing.” He smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. It came off stilted. Wrong somehow. “And you can’t wait to read it?”

Kate narrowed her eyes, “Do you want to argue so badly in a public setting? Right in front of the people of London? Just… throwing breadsticks at one another?”

Anthony plucked it off the table and tucked it into her bag for her. “Yep! I love arguing with you! Fills me with absolute… delight?”

“You can’t wait think of a better synonym.”

“Euphoria?”

“Closer.” Kate kissed him, taking her bag from his hand. “You are acting strangely today.”

“Strange?” Anthony scoffed, “I’ve never been strange in my life. Don’t even know the meaning of the word. I don’t know a lot of words.”

Kate tilted her head, taking Anthony in. “Something’s not right.”

“Just-!” Anthony ran his fingers through his hair. “Can we just go please?! I have a reservation and our impromptu flirting is making us late.”

“Oh I can cut out the flirting if you like?”

“No, I don’t like. There wouldn’t be anything I’d like less.”