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Mu Qing could say one thing for certain; heats were the absolute worst thing anyone, God, human, ghost or demon, could ever experience. Period. At least he was more privileged than most—than what he once had had access to—having regular and frequent access to heat suppressing herbs that he could chew on for the five to seven days it normally took.
(He thanks Xie Lian in his mind for having his back so much in their youth, excusing him from training and keeping him company on his worse days far away from the barracks with soldiers who’s wandering hands would surely find him. Not that it lasted long, not after his betrayal. Which was reasonable. No one would want to even think of keeping him company after that, hence why he turned to the herbs.)
And by now he had an entire palace full of attendants and disciples who would all be at his beck and call if anything went wrong. To keep him safe from anyone who wanted to try anything during his most vulnerable moments.
And that leads him to now, where things are going horribly, horribly wrong.
He doesn’t know how he let it happen. Not a clue. It was like one second he had the small bag of herbs right in his hand, ready to be made into teas and simply stuff his mouth with them until this hell was done and over with and the next he was tearing apart his room (his precious nest which he would have to fix soon if he wanted this week to be even a tiny bit enjoyable) just trying to find it.
He had been running around for the past three hours in a flurry of fever and the far too sweet smell of his pre-heat. Trying desperately to ignore the little voice in the back of his mind whispering ‘need pack, nest, nest, safe, alpha’ and he forces out a growl to silence it even for just a moment. It doesn’t last long and soon it is once again incessantly screaming at him to bundle his pack together, or hell even some of his junior disciples, into his nest and keep them all safe and close so he is no longer alone and abandoned.
But he couldn’t do that.
Yes, he and Xie Lian and Feng Xin had long since reconciled and somewhat made up to the best of their abilities. But he still doubts they considered him a pack member, he was certain Hua Cheng would kill him if he even wanted to consider Xie Lian his family. Besides, he didn’t need anyone for this; if he could just get his damn hands on some herbs because his heats somehow always hit him way fucking worse than anyone else. Pei Ming would probably chalk it up to his unwillingness to fuck but Mu Qing thinks thats absurd.
He didn’t want or need sex no matter what his stupid heat told him. Have some creep of an alpha stuck inside him for hours with so many bodily fluids being exchanged just because it's in his ‘nature’ to want that? Yeah, no thanks. He’d rather die. Yuck, first of all; second, he was not at all ready for kids and the pain that came with them. He could adopt if he wanted them so damn bad, heavens knows there were more than enough orphans to go around.
He would never understand why anyone thought this was pleasurable. He’s not even so deep in his heat that he is crazed and lost in his instincts and he just feels flushed and faint and his stomach hurts and he feels nauseous and alone. It wouldn’t be much better once it actually started and would in fact get steadily worse until he was a whimpering mess in his nest, clutching at a pillow to keep him company.
He knows he could be desperate. Just go to Pei Ming or someone and beg. But he would never. He would rather suffer the worst of his heats than be fucked by anyone, even if it was someone he cared about. He could just… be alone for a while and it would be fine. He’d had to do it several times before and look at him now, he was perfectly fine and healthy.
He startles out of his crazed running around his palace and nearly skids to a full stop at a voice inside his mind that was not his own.
“Hey, asshole, did you die or something?” Shit, shit, goddamnit, fuck. Damn you Feng Xin. He had fucking forgotten the meetup the four of them were going to have in Puqi shrine in all this searching. Fuck. He places two fingers against his temple with a growl hanging low in his throat even as the little voice in his mind goes ‘alpha, alpha, family, pack, nest nest nest’.
“No, something just came up. Can’t you impatient assholes wait for a minute?” He shoots back just as aggressively, perhaps made worse by his current mood and fighting off his instincts.
But, he was still in his early pre-heat phase, he would just go for a few minutes (maybe hours, if he could hold up that long) and explain that he had some other business to attend to and hopefully get back in time in order to fix his damn nest and just sleep the next few days off with whatever drug he could get his hands on to mitigate at least some of the effects or whatever made him incoherent enough to not feel anything.
That's what he reasons with himself, at least, as he walks his way out of heaven and down to the tiny little shrine where Xie Lian had made his home.
It was fine, he would be fine.
He was not, in fact, fine.
On the way down everything was perfectly normal and okay and he figured it would actually be pretty damn easy to just push aside any feelings and stay a few hours before making the claim he had other business to attend to.
But apparently fucking not.
Because the second he stepped into Xie Lian’s home he was hounded on all sides with the overpowering smell of freshly washed linen and grass and hibiscus from Xie Lian and the familiar scent of new leather and maple wood and ginger from Feng Xin. Those two are much more comforting than the smell of burning metal and smoke, no doubt from Hua Cheng. But even that smells right. Like home. Like this place would protect him. It was familiar and warm. And it's like the second he feels that, his body just wants to sink to the ground and maybe a bit further and be entirely encompassed by that feeling and the smells.
He fights the feeling off as best he can as Xie Lian quickly wraps him up in a hug and he doesn’t sink into those arms even if his legs go weak. He just pats the beta on the back and moves along as soon as possible before the stupid little omega voice that is now more in the middle of his brain can make an utter fool out of him by completely giving over control to Xie Lian. He resists the urge to drag the man back to heaven and keep him safe in his nest. He resists the urge to lay down on the little sleeping mat that Xie Lian has on the floor and steal an article of clothing from all present and begin to nest right here right now.
He doesn’t pounce on Feng Xin the second he sees him to nuzzle into his neck, to get closer to that scent.
He does give the man a punch on the shoulder though.
It's more playful than he’s used to but the other doesn’t really say anything about that. Feng Xin just sort of slaps him upside the head—gently, which is odd—and moves on into Puqi shrine.
The second he takes a step inside he knows it's going to be much harder than he had first thought keeping his instincts under control.
The entire place just reeks of safety. Like his brain knew this place was more secure than his own palace could ever be which was stupid to even consider it. Puqi shrine was absolutely the worst place to be in this situation; he would be so vulnerable to an attack and the walls of this place were never very secure so he knows it isn’t safe. He knows and yet he can’t help feeling this way. He knows that his family would keep him safe no matter what or who would come for him to attack while he’s down.
He sits himself down as quickly as he can, trying to push away the feverish feeling in his head and the sweat beginning to pool at the back of his neck by decking Feng Xin in the face again when he starts talking some bullshit. It doesn’t make him feel better and may actually make everything way worse. He drinks his tea and tries to listen to Xie Lian when he starts to talk about the recent harvest in the village but it's not very noteworthy so he focuses on his tea, thinking of a good way to bring up his supposed other business and leave as soon as he can.
He almost chokes on his tea when he feels it hit him in full.
It shouldn’t be here so soon, he should still have a good few hours or a day before it actually starts. But there is the unmistakable feeling of slick and he flushes an angry red as he stands. He knows that the others know with the way they all look at him as he does. He knows they must be able to smell it radiating off him in waves. He tries to speak and probably looks stupid as his voice can’t seem to work.
Feng Xin looks at him in a bit of shocked horror. Xie Lian looks at him in sympathy and understanding. Hua Cheng… he can’t quite discern what he is feeling.
He kind of wanted to cry. Or laugh. Or both.
He grits his teeth instead.
“Mu Qing… are you–?” Feng Xin begins to ask.
He doesn’t ever want to hear that sentence finished. Not with that look in the others eyes. He growls, even as he wants to whine and submit.
“Fuck off, leave me alone.” Mu Qing’s legs feel weak and wobble as he pushes himself away from the table and tries to walk to the exit.
The voice is at its loudest now.
It screams at him as he tries to open the damn door. It wants him to stay, to be protected in the safety of numbers. It wants him to stay with his family.
He feels tears beginning to fall as he growls his frustrations. His stupid hands can’t seem to fucking work!
He couldn’t stay, they wouldn’t want him. They wouldn’t want such a bad omega with them, certainly not to make his nest here and be an inconvenience to take care of while they had much better things to do than deal with him for days.
A hand comes to grasp his wrist as he struggles with the door and he twists as quickly as he can to slap the person away but he sinks a bit into their hold instead once he smells Feng Xin and feels the familiar weight and warmth of his hand. The alpha pulls him close and Mu Qing rests his head against the other's shoulder as the fight quickly seeps out of him as if it were never there. The little omega in him purrs and preens over being so close to a member of his pack. ‘Alpha, safe, safe, protected, nest’ it whispers to him as his legs give out fully, forcing his whole weight onto Feng Xin. The alpha seems entirely unbothered by this, simply cupping a hand against the back of his head and petting through his hair a bit.
“It's alright, Mu Qing. We’ll take care of you.” And by god does that make him keen out a happy little trill of purrs. They rumble in his chest for a long time.
He is lifted into strong arms and carried over to where Xie Lian is already setting blankets and pillows onto his little sleeping mat. He even watches as the beta piles on a few of his spare robes and whines at the inclusion. Just a bit more work to be done and it would be perfect.
He is carefully set down atop the steadily growing pile and quickly sets about making the nest perfect. Adjusting the cushioning and pillows to support where he would want to rest most, ensuring they were all suitably soft and comfy. And while Xie Lian’s robes help it’s not enough because it’s missing something very important.
He whines in Feng Xin’s general direction, making little grabby hands hoping the other understood. He seems to, at least after a while and before long his dark blue cloak that is so very soft is in Mu Qing’s hands. He rubs his face all over it; trying, perhaps a bit desperately, to get the alpha’s scent all over him before he places the cloak in the nest right where he would be resting most so that his face would be right next to it.
Once everything is right in the world and his nest is absolutely perfect he tries to settle in to wait out the worst of this in relative peace.
But something is still missing.
He’s alone.
Omega’s weren’t supposed to be alone during this. They needed to have a big strong alpha hold them down and knot them until they were sure to grow big with child. But he hates that thought even now, as mostly lost in the haze as he is, he doesn’t want that but he wants… someone. Someone close to him. He just… wants to be held. He wants to feel safe in someone’s arms the way he felt safe in his mothers again. To at least feel like he is loved for just a moment. Just to feel safe.
Which is stupid because he was meant to be alone.
His family, his pack was just a few feet away from him but they would never want to be in such a horrible nest with such a bad omega who’d betrayed them.
He lets out another little whine as he feels his heart begin to ache, trying to burrow deeper into his nest.
Really, he should be over this by now.
In his despair he hadn’t noticed the sound of metal clanking and the soft shuffling of fabrics as Feng Xin and Xie Lian undressed a bit. The bits of Feng Xin’s armour finding itself on the ground while his outer robe is placed beside Mu Qing in the nest. Xie Lian’s robes wind up in much the same state. Both sets were grabbed by Mu Qing absentmindedly and placed in their rightful spot in the nest even as his internal conflict continued. It was like he hadn’t even noticed the sudden inclusion.
“Baobei,” Feng Xin, his alpha, calls out to him gently, kneeling down beside his nest and he wants to scream and drag the man inside it; to hold on tight and never let go. “Do you want us in your nest with you?”
He whines again and goes to grab the alphas collar and tug him closer.
Gentle hands grab his and pry them away and he whines and tries to fight them. Trying to reach out once more and grab tighter.
“I know, but I need to hear you say it.”
His mouth feels dry when he attempts words. “Please… want both.” The second the words leave him he knows they are a mistake.
A common misconception still present in the world was that it was alphas that were the ones most likely to grow into a fit of jealous rage at seeing anyone else touching their omega.
He knows from firsthand experience it was quite the opposite. Omegas were the most prone to jealousy and fits of obsession. And while he knew Hua Cheng and him were mostly on speaking terms right now he still felt the sharpness in his gaze as he went to pull Xie Lian into his nest. Damn bastard, his mate wasn’t even an alpha!
But there is no baring of teeth or claws or any sort of snarl.
He glances up at the man with his own glare as Feng Xin slowly begins to situate himself, one of Mu Qing’s hands coming up to grab at the back of his robes.
All this to say he wasn’t exactly comforted by the presence of the other omega, but, if anything, he knew Hua Cheng would be safe to be around. He was strong, he would be able to protect their nest so long as Xie Lian told him to and he would be the only other person here who could even mildly understand what was happening with him. So, while Mu Qing would prefer he stay away from his nest he was alright with the man standing guard a few feet away from them.
“I’m sorry. So sorry. Isn’t me.” He mumbles as he grabs Xie Lian just as tightly, manhandling the two other gods like they are simply more cushioning for his nest. They both go willingly.
“We know, Qing-er. It’s alright.” Xie Lian says softly as he settles in behind Mu Qing, taking the time to brush his fingers through the others' hair as he lays Feng Xin out on the nest. He sits above his alpha before flopping down face first right into his chest, breathing deep and almost instantly going entirely limp.
He tries to ignore the feeling of the slick currently dripping out of him and down his thighs by burying his nose deeper into Feng Xin’s neck, inhaling his scent like a drug. It was. The best kind.
It helped. For some reason.
It helped a lot, at least to ignore it better.
He lets Xie Lian continue to run fingers through his hair, braiding it and getting it off his neck which has begun to glisten a bit with sweat.
“Are you too hot, baobei?” Feng Xin asks him so sweetly, voice gentle as if he would break under any louder noise. And he knows he should be afraid. He knows how easily he could be taken advantage of with his clothes off but he finds himself nodding regardless, lifting his shaking arms to help in what little ways he can. He didn’t have any of his armour on him, just a beautifully embroidered silk robe was enough, already knowing even that would be far too formal to see his friends but could still be comfortable for him in this trying time. Feng Xin keeps him steady as Xie Lian helps to work him out of the—most likely ruined—fabric, like some kind of twisted version of what happened in their youth.
He hates it. It feels wrong.
He feels safe.
His innermost robe is kept on, for at least a modicum of decency and that somehow makes him feel infinitely better and worse. He can’t think of a time where his privacy and boundaries were respected.
He drifts in and out of consciousness, half-listening to the conversation happening above him. He even hears Hua Cheng talking a bit.
It’s warm, and his brain is already feeling foggy so he loses track of how long he lays there in the arms of his pack. Xie Lian trails a hand over his back in soothing circles. Feng Xin speaks into his hair loud enough to be heard. Hua Cheng is a few feet away watching it all.
It all reminds him of his mother, how gently she had treated him when he first presented.
He is almost dozing when suddenly Xie Lian begins to stand and he jolts awake a tiny bit.
“I’ll go make him something to eat.”
Mu Qing whines as his alpha below him suddenly shuffles and stands, quickly placing him back down and leaving him laying on the mat alone. And cold. “No, your highness, I will. You stay with him.” He whines and tries to reach for Feng Xin again. He is brought into Xie Lian’s arms instead and a part of him flares in fear as he looks at Hua Cheng who is staring back just as much.
His glare only deepens and that makes Mu Qing whine and try to bury himself deeper in his nest and Xie Lian’s hold.
He hears the all too familiar jingling of the ghost's boots as he approaches the nest and flinches away.
Hua Cheng’s hand brushes across his hair once before letting go, the lingering scent of smoke and sulphur clinging to him and he can finally fully relax in the mingling of familiar scents. “Just rest, Gege is very good at taking care of these sorts of things.” Then he stands and backs away to sit on the floor, not as far as he had been before.
Mu Qing relaxes once more at the sound of Feng Xin cooking and Xie Lian humming a song he doesn’t know but feels like he should.
His brain almost doesn’t even seem to mind that he is being an idiot right now. Making a fool of himself like this.
Really, why would any of them, especially Crimson Rain Sought Flower want to help?
The rational part of his brain thinks now would probably be the best time to leave before they turned on him and destroyed his nest and did any number of things he deserved.
The louder part of his brain is purring and happy and making him feel very sleepy even as the sudden absence of his alpha makes more slick roll between his thighs.
He almost doesn’t notice when he is sat up against Xie Lian’s chest, the way a bowl of something warm is pressed into his hands and he is encouraged to eat. And, well, he isn’t exactly going to pass up this opportunity. Mu Qing knows just how much energy and calories can be wasted in a heat if not properly seen to. When he was still young his mother had to practically force food down his throat so that he didn’t become just skin and bones.
His hands are sort of clumsy and uncoordinated and he struggles for a moment trying to grasp the spoon. It doesn’t really work and he lets out a frustrated huff, letting the spoon rest in the congee and watching sadly as his hand shakes a bit too much to really be of much help.
It’s humiliating.
He was a fucking god! A skilled swordsman on top of that. He shouldn’t be struggling with such simple things as feeding himself!
Feng Xin takes his hand and helps him to hold the spoon, guiding it up to his lips slowly. He sort of wants to cry, either because of how weak and pathetic he feels or because of how tender it is. The last time he had seen Feng Xin take this much care and time was… well, probably at some point. He doesn’t even know if he’s seen Feng Xin ever being tender and soft.
At least not with him.
His hands feel callous but they are a warm comfort.
He eats his fill rather willingly; with a bit of encouragement.
Afterwards, Mu Qing is practically buried under several layers worth of blankets and scent-infused robes and sleeps. And by all logic he should be overheated and sweating and uncomfortable. The only thing mildly uncomfortable though is the way Feng Xin’s elbow is sort of digging into his ribs. And also maybe the way Xie Lian is loudly snoring right into his ear.
They are alone, and it’s dark. Hua Cheng must be out, trusting that the three of them would sleep soundly while he went off and did… whatever it was he was doing. It still makes him feel gently uneasy, it makes him curl up more into Feng Xin’s side, practically laying on top of him as he drapes an arm around Xie Lian, pulling him closer as well.
“Baobei?” Feng Xin asks sleepily as Mu Qing settles to be entirely circling the other gods with his own body. Defending his nest and the precious beings held within. Feng Xin’s arm comes up to his shoulders and pulls him close. He unconsciously rubs his hips against the others, whimpering at the way slick continues to leak out of him in a steady stream. His stomach aches from having nothing inside; his heart hurts more.
“Don’t go. Please.” He whispers into the other's neck. He might be crying, his voice sounds a bit forced and rough. Feng Xin freezes, the hand that was rubbing his back soothingly has stopped.
“I’m not going anywhere, Mu Qing.” The arms around his shoulders tighten. There's a soft pressure in his hair and then Feng Xin brushes some of the silver strands back.
“Never,” he whispers once again, feeling that terrible little pit of jealousy and possessiveness fester. He never wants them to leave. “I want to be with you forever, you and Xie Lian and…” He kind of wants to say Hua Cheng but thinks better of it. “I want to stay with you. With my pack.”
Feng Xin makes a sound like someone has kneed him in the gut. Mu Qing would know. He has personally been that knee before.
“We won’t go anywhere until you tell us to go.” Mu Qing continues to breathe into the other's neck, the sweet but untrue words sickening him in a strange way. “I am… I’m sorry, Mu Qing, that you ever felt unloved. We’re, we’re a pack as much as I hate to say it and we should have been here for you.”
“Don’t go,” he says, because that's all he can think to say. All his brain can manage at the moment in the wake of the sudden fuzziness. Feng Xin’s hand lands on his hip, stilling it when he tries to grind down again. He doesn’t mind though, as long as his family was here he couldn’t care less.
“I don’t ever plan to now.” And stupid Feng Xin brings him down to once again kiss his hair and settle him onto his chest. He reaches out a hand to Xie Lian, tugging him closer too and draping an arm over his shoulders.
Perfect he thinks as he begins to sleep in his nest.
When he was young he always preferred to have Xie Lian simply pretend nothing had happened for the five or so days he had to take care of Mu Qing. It was too embarrassing otherwise. He always went right back to bickering with Feng Xin and throwing punches and being anything but the image of a perfect omega who would lay down and take just about anything in the haze of a heat.
When he wakes up four days later, in a slick stained and scent infused nest, sleeping and incoherent he knows he can’t do that this time.
He rolls around his nest a bit, trying to piece together what happened when he notices Feng Xin smelling different than he remembered. Like their scents had combined.
Oh shit he thinks, feeling desperately around his neck but finding no marks. And he still feels the same as he always did after his heats. No dried–ugh–fluids anywhere on his body that weren’t his own. He keeps quiet and still as he tries to find the fastest way to leave.
His robes were laying only a few feet away from him, sprawled out in a different part of the nest.
“Baobei?” Ugh, stupid fucking Feng Xin and his stupid kind voice and words and sickly sweet smell. “Are you alright?”
“Fuck off,” he mumbles as he gets up slowly, pulling the robe closer to himself and struggles into it for a moment.
“Mu Qing.” He says his voice quietly, of course he does, the other two are still asleep and he was just that fucking considerate aparently. “It’s alright, I get it.”
“Don’t act like you could even understand a fraction of what's going on.” He snaps, turning on his heel and walking out of the shrine into the dull morning air, cool and crisp in his lungs as he walks himself back to heaven, all too ready to take a bath he knew he would have to prepare himself.
Another voice in the back of his mind that isn’t his speaks up. “You’re right, I don’t understand but I know what happened these past few days were hard. I get if you aren’t ready yet, but, just know that we’re here when you are.”
Then Feng Xin goes quiet and Mu Qing doesn’t get anything from the others so he assumes they will wait for him to talk.
He makes it back to heaven in one piece, warming up some water and washing his hair alone. After everything he still clings to the scents now infused in his robe as he tries to sleep off the rest of this hell. Alone. And cold.