Chapter Text
we keep behind closed doors
every time i see you, i die a little more
harry didn’t disagree with simon. if it got out they were dating, it truly could be career-ending. they did a job that could disappear in a flash, and honestly, it wasn’t just them they would be affecting. there were five other sidemen who would take a hit at the reveal of their relationship, true friends who harry wouldn’t dream of hurting.
but that didn’t mean he wished he was allowed to be selfish. each time he even bought up the prospect of one day being free to be themselves, to be open and out, simon immediately shut it down, like he was afraid harry may get the wrong idea, start spouting off on twitter or some shit.
he would never, he knew the consequences, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care. sometimes he wants to forget, to lie in his boyfriends arms (in the safety of one of their empty flats), and pretend the whole world knew he was simon’s, and simon’s was his.
he’d see simon during a video, and ache to hold his hand. just to press his body just a tad bit too close, just the tiniest, slightest bit too close to be friends. he didn’t, of course, he didn’t do it until there wasn’t a camera, on or off it didn’t matter, in sight at all.
as you drive me to my house
i can't stop these silent tears from rolling down
”let’s just go home,” harry smiled sadly, knowing simon wouldn’t be able to relax anymore. the date was ruined.
they’d been having a lovely time, sitting just opposite eachother in a quiet cafe, full of nobody but a few old couples, who had no clue or interest in who they were.
until some grandparents had brought their grandkids in, preteen boys who had practically screamed in their ears in excitement.
harry shudders as he remembered the sticky hands that had grabbed the back of his shirt, hot breath talking excitedly in his ear as he smiled awkwardly and tried to listen to what the boy was saying. simon hadn’t relaxed since, hadn’t leant back forwards in the way he had before, staring at harry lovingly and saying small, silly compliments that made the younger boy blush and laugh like a love struck teen.
he was scared they’d take a photo, or tell a friend, harry knew. there was no point, everyone was on edge. and who knows how long or short it would be before tens of children showed up, having heard from a friend of a friend two of the sidemen were sat in a nearby cafe.
simon didn’t protest, placing a twenty pound note on the table and gesturing for them to leave. harry’s heart broke slightly, but he followed, swallowing back tears the whole ride home. it was for the better, he was sure, but it still really, really hurt.
they drove in silence, the quiet hum of a radio between them, while harry stared out the window, catching a glimpse of couples every now and again. what he’d give to be them.
why can't i hold you in the street?
harry flushed red as he trudged back to the group before him, leaving behind arguably the most awkward conversation he’d ever had. for their ‘sidemen awkward in public video’, he’d been told to strike up a conversation with a random stranger, to act like he was sure they knew each other, lie until his face was blue.
the man who hee been speaking to had stared blankly at him for a while before walking off, and humiliation was already beginning to burn.
he’d gotten arguably the easiest task of them all, and he certainly wouldn’t do anymore that day, but that didn’t mean he was feeling slightly sick with nerves, even as the interaction was over.
naturally, as he always did, he gravitated towards simon, listening to the jeers aimed at him, laughing at his red face. as they continued giggling at him, his hand subconsciously slipped into his boyfriends, a natural instinct he wasn’t aware enough to rid himself of.
not even a second later, simon’s hand was ripped away, replaced with nothing but an incredulous stare, a harsh reminder where he was and what they were to the camera.
the embarrassment increased tenfold, and he felt slightly ill, which he told the group hurriedly, ignoring them when they accused him of faking. he rushed to the nearest cafe, vik following him concernedly.
he barged into the toilet, and stared at himself in the mirror for a second before his shorter friend caught up, looking at him in confusion.
at the sight, he broke down, falling into viks open arms, crying at the feeling of comforting arms around him, there even though they weren’t sure why. as he sobbed miserably, the only thought that went through his head repeated over and over on loop. this should be simon, simon should be the one here, holding him as he wept.
why can’t i kiss you on the dancefloor?
harry sipped on his drink, barely registering the burn in the back of his throat. he was focused on watching jj drag simon from one girl to the next, trying to match him up with someone, if only for one night.
simon kept on glancing back at harry, pulling disgusted faces, trying to make him laugh. he didn’t, instead he just drank more and more, unable to tear his eyes away. it was like a car crash.
he knew it wasn’t jj’s fault, he didn’t know they were together. if he did, he wouldn’t have done it. but that was sort of the problem.
harry knew for a fact, he would put his life on it, that jj couldn’t care less whether simon was gay, straight, bisexual, whatever. he was absolutely certain that he would support simon no matter what, as would any of the sidemen. so he really couldn’t understand why they couldn’t atleast tell them.
simon had a reason, but he’d drank too much to remember it.
as a girl got a tad too close, giggling at everything simon said, harry couldn’t look anymore. he moved his eyes over to the dance floor, watching his friends as they danced to the pulsing music, staring at strangers as they laughed and sang along.
his eyes got fixed on one particular couple, observing them as the song ended. they stopped singing, it was no shock when they started kissing instead.
they’d been grinding on each other moments before, on the verge of it being too sexual, however this felt a thousand times more intimate. the softness of the kiss, and he could just imagine it being him and simon.
speaking of, the man in question was trying to pull away from jj and the woman, failing miserably.
she’d probably leave him alone if harry walked over and started kissing him, but that would cause a world of problems he couldn’t even imagine of getting into (despite the fact he spent most of his days dreaming of just that.)
shuddering, he flicked his eyes back to the couple on the dance floor.
i wish that it could be like that
why can’t it be like that?
cause i’m yours
why can’t i say that i’m in love?
i wanna shout it from the rooftops
”the people want to know, harry,” ethan said, snapping him out of his daydream.
“want to know what?” he asked slowly, wondering just how much of the video he’d missed. he almost zoned out again as simon grinned at him from across the sofa, tje sight was enough to make him practically melt. he managed to keep it together as ethan reread the question on his phone.
“what’s the love life like? you dating anyone, hmm, bog?” he joked, poking harry in the side. he thought he knew the answer, of course. ethan didn’t think harry would hide anything like that from him.
”i don’t know, maybe,” he shrugged with a smile, distracted as he pulled himself away from ethan’s fingers. they stopped at his words though, shocked.
simon, on the other hand, didn’t look shocked. he looked absolutely furious, but masked it quickly. harry barely even registered what he had said, until all the boys started hounding him on who exactly he was dating.
vik stayed silent, staring at him intently. harry didn’t miss the way his eyes darted suspiciously towards simon, but he didn’t acknowledge it.
“no, i meant no, i’m not,” he tried to save himself, though of course nobody bought it. eventually they had to move on, only ethan would bring it up later, harry was sure.
he wasn’t sure, however, if he would be able to lie.
when they were done, the second the cameras stopped rolling, simon was signalling for harry to follow him.
he did so without question, mumbling something about the toilet. it was simon and jj’s flat, so the elder didn’t really bother with an excuse. he was too angry anyway, nothing would’ve come to his mind.
they met in the bathroom, simon locking the door behind them with a huff.
“what the fuck was that?” he hissed, and obviously harry knew what he meant.
“i forgot for a second, i didn’t- nobody would guess it was you,” he mumbled, staring at the floor. he hated arguments, especially with simon.
“maybe not, but now all the fans are going to be obsessed with finding out who you were talking about,”
“i really didn’t mean to, it was just that i’d been looking at you, and then everybody started asking, and ethan was poking me, and i forgot,” he replied, still not looking up at simon.
“oh great, that’s fine then. everybody can figure out you’re dating me, but you didn’t mean to, so it’s fine,”
“that’s not what i mean,” harry protested, but anger flared slightly at simon’s immediate defence.
at just how angry he was at the thought of anyone even speculating they were dating. it was upsetting, even if it wasn’t intentional.
simon scoffed, shaking his head. “i’m going to tell them to cut that question. and just think next time,”
he left with one final sigh, leaving harry alone in the white room. he couldn’t face seeing the others, so closed the door lightly, not having the care to lock it. he sat against the bath, burying his face in his knees, no energy left, even to cry.
he wasn’t alone for long. lightly footsteps came down the hall, pushing the door open quietly. a soft gasp, and then a body by his side. out of the corner of his eye, harry spotted a tattooed arm, the one belonging to ethan.
he felt the other arm heavy across his shoulders, not speaking, just there.
until four short words left the gingers mouth, curious but comforting.
“it’s simon, isn’t it?”
harry just nodded, collapsing into ethan’s arms, face buried in his chest. still not crying, just listening to the steady heartbeat.
would he be crazy if he swore he heard simon’s name in the even beats.
it’s obvious your meant for me
every piece of you, it just fits perfectly.
simon traces harry’s features with a delicate finger, going around his face, up his nose and around his lips.
the room was dimly lit, and they lay face to face, giggling at silly jokes the other would occasionally crack. the world was tuned out, it was only them.
he murmured soft compliments, admiring harry like he was an old masters painting, the only thing to exist.
these were the moments harry lived for, when they just loved each other like nothing else mattered.
every second, every thought, i’m in so deep
but i’ll never show it on my face
sometimes harry saw things that were just so simon, things he knew he would love, and he wanted to genuinely tell the whole world. remind them all nobody knew simon better than him, nobody thought of him the way harry did.
then he remembered how pathetic that was, as well as the fact he wasn’t allowed to reveal just how well they knew eachother, and he deflated immediately.
when a song came on the radio, or a tv show played on the tv, one he was sure simon would love, harry kept his face straight. he didn’t inform the whole room, as much as he wanted to.
he absolutely didn’t tell the camera. didn’t vlog as he wouldn’t be able to go a day of talking without the conversation somehow leading back to his simon.
i don’t wanna live love this way
i dont wanna hide us away
you look cute x
harry read the message with a small smile, blocking his phone from all the boys surrounding him.
when their relationship started, he would’ve loved it. the secrecy, the idea that the message was for him and him only, proof on his phone.
but now it just felt vaguely… sad.
he would’ve replied with something along the same lines, a promise of sneaking of later. now he just didn’t feel it.
harry loved simon, he loved him more than anything. yet the way they lived, he couldn’t find it in himself to find the excitement anymore. and as the camera rolled before him, the crushing realisation began to dawn on him.
he just didn’t want to do it anymore.
it unfolded as he glared at the pixels on his screen, forming the words that should have him blushing.
without looking at his boyfriend, he turned his phone face down on the sofa.
i wonder if it ever will change
i’m living for that day, someday
harry had been on youtube for years. he’d witnessed the rise and fall of people he’d been raised on, people he’d become friends with, admired, or even hated, from a distance.
he had watched openly gay youtubers been torn apart until they simply had to quit, because it was just too much.
he wasn’t stupid. he knew who their fanbase mainly were. he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the way they would despise him, the cruel words and dirty slurs they would carelessly throw.
but it wasn’t about the fans anymore. it wasn’t about any one except for him, and for simon.
because the way simon had looked so disgusted at the thought of even their friends finding out, it was crushing.
and harry prayed one day the world would wake up and be a happier place, where he could be himself and be the same. it wasn’t coming though.
he couldn’t bleed himself dry for a relationship that so clearly wasn’t going anywhere further. the decision hurt more than anything he’d ever done. he had sobbed for hours before even speaking to simon, he had barely been able to contain himself as he spoke to his boyfriend.
“i can’t keep doing it, si. it’s not about being out in public, but you’re not even considering telling our best friends,”
“i’m not ready,” simon argued weakly. he knew what was coming, and it was crushing him.
“but you’re not doing anything to make yourself ready. and i just can’t, it hurts so much.”
harry bit his lip, forcing himself to look directly into simon’s eyes.
”harry, please,”
“you don’t even know why you won’t tell them. you just won’t,”
simon shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them wide, watching as harry shuffled on his feet.
“i love you so much,” his voice broke, and it hurt simon’s heart to hear him in so much pain. “but i can’t do this to myself anymore,”
it was ironic, really, that simon was the one who had taught him how to really stand up for himself. to not hurt just for others.
“what happened to me and you? we love eachother, isn’t that enough?”
harry tried to stop himself for crying.
“it can’t be, not if it feels so shit all the time,” he walked towards simon, wrapping his arms firmly around him. “i’m yours si, always, and you know that, but i can’t live in denial my whole life, and neither can you,”
he sniffled, pressing a kiss to simon’s lips tenderly.
“i’ll see you for filming,” he said sadly, wanting to bask in the soft glow of simon minter, but forcing himself to pull away, walking out the room without looking back.
why can’t it be like that?
cause i’m yours.