Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A girlfriend or two might have told Buck that he had wandering eyes, and there was a time when it wasn’t untrue. It’s just that he has an affinity for dark hair and kind eyes. It seems like those trails have haunted him since he was a boy in high school when he used to play with his girlfriend's long dark hair. He’d twist the ends between his fingers as her head lay in his lap, and she’d smile up at him and whisper the most beautiful lies. 

The nagging part of his brain, the part that only comes out in the middle of the night when he’s too anxious to sleep, tells him it’s probably why he has such deep-seated issues. Those thoughts are later followed up with ones of his parents, and those usually end with him counting his breaths and wishing he could just be a normal person. On those nights the only thing that could possibly ever get him to sleep is the thought of Eddie. 

Those nights are exactly how he ended up in this situation. There might have been some help with the realization that followed the kiss with Tommy, but that’s unimportant. What is important is Buck somehow has to make it through the engagement party that is being thrown at Eddie’s house. It’s Eddie’s engagement. Eddie’s and Marisol’s engagement. 

Buck stands in the middle of Eddie’s backyard, surrounded by people, many familiar faces, and many more that he does not know. He’s trapped in by people chatting and drinking. Kids are running around together, chasing after each other. Everything is moving so fast, but Buck can’t seem to catch up. 

It seems like everything is moving so fast these days. One minute, Buck is telling Eddie he ended things with Tommy, and the next, Eddie is telling him he’s going to marry Marisol. There were months separating the events, but it was as if it happened in the blink of an eye, and now, in another, he standing celebrating the upcoming affair. He wishes everything would just slow down because he needs to take a breath. 

Last night, Buck woke gasping for air. He had the dream again, the one that leaves him in a sweat and awake for hours after. It’s the one where he tells Eddie everything, and it all works out. Sometimes, those dreams end with them getting married or growing old together; they always just end in a reality that Buck knows he can’t have. 

He has never been able to have that life with Eddie. No matter what those kind eyes and lingering touches tell him, he would never be able to call the man his. All the delusional hope he had clung to for all those years, whether it was conscious or not, was killing him from the inside out. It’s ultimately the reason why Tommy left.

It wasn’t a messy split; there were no hard feelings or anger; it was just what they needed to do. Tommy knew that Buck was harboring those feelings and even helped him realize them when he was continuously denying them. Tommy kissed his forehead and told him it was okay to love someone else, that he understood how Buck could be so deeply in love with Eddie. 

He also told Buck that if he ever needed anything or just someone to listen, he’d always be there for him. It’s been at least six months since Tommy told him that, and it’s been at least six months since Buck talked to him. Sometimes, Buck will reach for his phone to text the man, but then the guilt of the last few weeks of their relationship hits him. He’s never been able to send the paragraphs that live on his notes app; those will live there just as long as the one he has for Eddie. 

Someone yelling his name brings him back from the world, zooming past him. He’s not sure where it came from, so he looks all around until he finds the face he was just thinking about. Tommy is a few paces away, waving at him.  

“Buck.” Tommy smiles, “How’s it going?”

It’s weird to hear the name from the older man; it’s probably the first time he’s heard it. It was always Evan with Tommy, even until the end. Sometimes, Buck misses being Evan. 

“Hey, Tommy.” Buck smiles back, “It’s been good.” The man nods with the small talk, "What’s up with you, man?”

Buck clenches his teeth because seriously, ‘what’s up with you, man’ isn’t something he thought he’d be asking the guy he told he loved less than a year ago. It was too casual for the way things were. Sure, there was no bad blood, but Buck hasn’t talked to Tommy since then. He’s left him on read, let his calls go to voicemail, and dodged him whenever he was around. There is no way there isn’t a bit of anger stewing in Tommy. 

He scratches the back of his neck, and Buck now knows whatever comes out of his mouth is only going to be a half-truth. Tommy was always so easy with his tells, and that’s not something Buck could forget overnight. So he braces for, “Been busy with work. You know how it goes.”

“I do,” Buck nods, “We are all just so busy these days.”

“I know.” Tommy looks past Buck and waves. Buck turns to see he’s waving at Eddie and Marisol, “Can’t believe Marisol actually convinced him to throw an engagement party.”

“She actually asked me to help convince him.” Buck crosses his arms over his chest as he tries to sound as happy as he possible can, “It took a couple beers but it was done.” He hopes his ex doesn’t try to read into that, “He might act like he hates the whole thing, but I know he loves it.”

Tommy looks side to side before taking a step closer. He touches his forearm, and god, Buck forgot how warm Tommy’s hands are. Every so often, if he thinks hard enough about it, he can feel those hands on him. He can feel the way Tommy would caress his back after a bad dream, hold his hand after a long days, and hug him when he’d make it back home. He misses their warmth. 

It’s almost unbearable as Tommy searches his eyes and finally speaks, “Evan.” His stomach turns, “Are you okay with all?”

It's a beat too fast, “I’m fine.” He tries to smile through it. “Tommy, I’m fine.”

“When I heard about the engagement…”

Buck cuts him off, “Tommy, don’t, please.”

“Evan, I know this must…”

He doesn’t let Tommy finish. He pulls back, “You know what? I think I see Chim.” The hurt look on Tommy's face doesn’t miss Buck, “He was looking for me earlier.”

Tommy tries to reach for him as he walks away, “Evan.”

Buck turns to him, “Not now. Please, not right now.”

Before he turns back, he sees Tommy nod as he looks towards the ground. 

Somehow, Buck makes it through conversation with everyone. Chimney and Maddie asked what Tommy had to say, but he just brushed them off with it was just them catching up. When he finds Bobby later, the captain asks the same and Buck gives the same answer. It’s not untrue, he’s just holding a few pieces of information back. 

In time, speeches began. It started with Marisol’s family and friends. They spoke of the love they see the couple have for one another, and Buck felt sick. His stomach twisted in knots, and his heart raced. Buck’s had been through hell and back, and this rivals all those moments. 

As a future groomsman and best friend, Buck had to deliver a speech. He’s not really sure what he said. He had it written down, but he can’t actually be sure he said it. It was as if he was a different person when he cleared his throat and began to speak. 

He knew it was something along the lines of Eddie being so deserving of love and how he could see how unbelievably happy Marisol made him. He spoke of Eddie being his best friend, but Marisol would always be Eddie's best friend until the very end. It was enough to get tears out of a few guests and applause from the crowd. 

It’s just he wasn’t aware of that right away. He’d been staring right over Eddie’s shoulder the whole time. Tommy was hovering in the crowd behind the couple and it’s where Buck’s attention lied. He watched the older man the entire time because it was easier than facing Eddie; he’s sure if he did, he wouldn’t have been able to make it to the end. 

In the end, it didn’t really matter. He couldn’t tell a soul what happened after Eddie and Marisol gave speeches of their own and thanked everyone for coming. It was all blurred by beer, and then it went black. 

---

Evan wakes in a haze and then becomes very aware as he shoots out of bed and rushes to the bathroom. His entire night catches up with him. Every single beer he drank is felt.

After about fifteen minutes of laying on the cool bathroom tile, Buck finally decides to get up. He can rot in bed for the rest of the day. He has a shift tomorrow, so until then, he will wallow in self-pity, or at least that’s what Maddie would call it. Maybe he’ll call her. 

He takes a look at the stairs leading up to his bed and nope he’s not doing it. Couch time it is, or at least it was, because someone is lying on his couch. He can see a foot that is attached to a large body, a very large body. A least this probably means he didn’t drive home drunk; he really hopes that didn’t happen because that did cross his mind during his fifteen minutes of misery. 

Stepping over, Buck catches a look at the face and almost bolts, but then he remembers this is his house. He can kick the man out if he wants; he won’t, but it’s a thought—a terrible thought because Tommy must have driven him home. That’s the only way his ex would be sleeping on the couch that they picked out together. 

Tommy had told him to get the larger model because it would make it easier for them to cuddle. At the time, it was the reason Buck pulled the trigger on the purchase. He liked the idea of them being able to cuddle after a long day without having to trek up the stars. It might be a short distance, but it’s the principle. 

Now Buck can see it is functional. It can accommodate a fully grown man sleeping in what seems like a comfortable position. Buck figured it would, but he didn’t know for sure. He’s never actually slept on the couch. For the last six months, whenever he looked at it, all he could do was think of all the mistakes he made with Tommy. 

There were many mistakes made. Things like not talking to the man after their breakup or not returning all the t-shirts and hoodies left at his place. Then there was breaking Tommy’s heart when he told him that he’d never love him the way he loved Eddie. It was cruel, in the heat of a moment, and one of the worst things Evan had ever said. It was also true and maybe that’s the worst part of all. 

“You know it’s a little creepy to watch people when they sleep.”

Without even registering it, Buck whips back, “You used to do it.” He hadn’t even realized Tommy was awake, but hey, at least his mouth did, “Sorry.”

“I did.”

Buck stands there, looking down at Tommy. His hair is a mess; Buck forgot how soft he looked like this. When Tommy just woke up and became aware of the world around him, it was probably one of Buck's top five experiences with the man. It's weird how things change. 

“How are you…” Buck groans as he covers his eyes. The sun coming through the windows is too much, “I drank way too much.”

Tommy laughs slightly, “I know.” He scoots over, “Sit down.” Buck does as he told, “Come here, Evan.” Tommy places a pillow on his lap and pats it for him to lie down. 

If Evan wasn’t hungover, he might have hesitated, but right now, he could use some comfort. Tommy cards his fingers through Buck’s hair, and fuck did he miss this. This was one of his favorite things to come home to. 

Before the man can even start, Buck has to ask, “Did I make a fool of myself?”

Buck does his best to open his eyes for a second to gauge Tommy’s reaction. All the man does his smile, one of those smiles Buck would get right before a kiss, unlike all those times all the man does is shake his head. Tommy hasn’t kissed him in six months, so why would he start now? 

“You didn’t.” Tommy says, “By the time I got you out of there, everyone was pretty hammered.” 

“Oh good,” Buck manages.

“You should call Maddie later; she was pretty worried about you when we were heading out.” Shit, Maddie is going to want to know everything, “Also might want to tell your sister I was a gentleman.”

Of course, he was a gentleman. Tommy has always been a gentleman, even when Buck was trying to figure everything out. He was sweet and caring. He didn’t try to rush Evan into anything he wasn’t ready for. He took it slow and steady until the very end. 

Buck knows if he opened his mouth, he would say something stupid like Tommy has shown the grace of a gentleman for far longer than Buck deserved. He doesn’t thought. He keeps it inside and give a thumbs up.

Tommy chuckles, “Oh, you are really hurting, huh?”

“If you mean my head, yes.” Buck groans, “If it’s the other thing, I’m fine.”

It’s quick, as his ex says, “I wasn’t, but since you brought it up…”

“No, please,” Buck whines.

“God, I really never knew how to say no to you.” Tommy laughs as he strokes Buck’s cheek. If he lets himself forget the past, this feels like all the months they spent together, "I guess our breakup changed that because you need to talk about it. If not to me, then to someone else.”

Buck groans again, “I don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t, but Evan, you can’t keep this shit bottled up.” Tommy says, and Buck goes to sit up to protest but only gets halfway before his world starts to spin, and he lays back down, “Keeping all that shit inside is going to kill you.”

“I’m aware.” Buck mutters, “We broke up, didn’t we.”

“Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I stopped caring for you, Evan. I meant it when I told you I would always love you.” 

Evan scrunches his eyes shut because maybe, just maybe, if he closed them, he’d wake up. It would be all those months ago before they broke up. He would be cuddling with Tommy after a long shift. They wouldn’t be here right now. It sure as hell would make this all easier. 

Tommy sighs, “Evan I want to be there for you whether you like it or not it is the truth. I will be here for you when you need me because I care about you so much. I don’t want you to push me away anymore just because we broke up and that’s what you think is the best for me because news flash it isn’t. These last six months have killed me because you just cut me off.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Tommy brushes his cheek, stroking his skin like he used to, “When I said I don’t blame you for how you feel, I meant it. I understand why things had to end, and I truly meant it when I said I still wanted us to be friends.”

“I know I’m sorry.”

“Ba-Buck, you know what? We shouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” Tommy says, “You are hurting, and I’m taking advantage of that, and I’m sorry.” 

“Can’t I be sorry too?”

Tommy nods, “Yes, you can.” 

It’s quiet between them for a long moment. If Buck tries hard enough, this could be exactly what it used to be. He could pretend. He could pretend this was them before Tommy found out about his feelings for Eddie. 

Tommy breaks the silence, “Do you want me to stay or to go.”

Buck turns on his side and faces his ex-boyfriend. It’s selfish and cruel, and he knows it. Tommy is too kind to turn him away, so he says, “Stay, please.”

“Okay, I’ll stay.”

 And Tommy does. He stays until the early afternoon, letting Buck sleep on his lap. He strokes his skin and hair; it is soothing, and Buck is the last person who deserves comfort. He’s the one that fucked up one of the best relationships he’s ever had by being in love with Eddie. How does that even warrant any comfort from the person he hurt the most. 

After Tommy leaves, Evan continues to lie on the couch. He thinks he can still smell Tommy there, but he really wishes he didn’t. 

Chapter Text

Buck didn’t think he’d see Tommy this soon. It’s only been a little over two weeks since the engagement party, and Buck already finds himself at Tommy’s place. He just didn’t know who else to call. He knows he could have called Maddie, but how was he supposed to explain his heartache? 

Eddie had stopped him at the end of their shift to ask if he’d be his best man. It took every bit of strength for Evan to swallow the cry threatening to come out of his throat. All he could do was agree with faux enthusiasm and hug Eddie. If he held on for a little too long, Eddie didn’t call him on it. 

He waited until he was down the street to cry. He rested his head on the steering wheel and began to sob until his head hurt and his lungs ached. He could have gone home to drown his sorrows, but his apartment is too quiet. He didn’t need a reminder of how alone he is these days. 

So he is at Tommy’s place eating pizza that Buck brought with him. Tommy had been just about off from work when he had called, so Buck had to kill a little bit of time. He figured if he was burdening his ex with all his problems, he might as well bring a peace offering. 

That is how he finds himself leaning against a cool granite countertop. Tommy is standing in front of him with a quizzical look. He’s had the same look since Buck showed up. Hell, Buck would probably have the same one if one of his long list of exes showed up at his front door asking for advice. 

“You could have said no,” Tommy says.

They had been talking about Eddie’s best man proposal. While Buck managed to get the point across during the phone call, there were things to be discussed. Right now, Tommy is adamant that Buck declines the offer, but it’s a little too late. It would also be suspicious as hell. 

“No, I couldn’t have.” Buck puts his beer down, “He’s my best friend.”

“And your best friend would understand.”

“Oh yeah, I could tell him that I can’t be his best man because I’m hopelessly in love with him.”

Tommy smirks around his beer and says, “I mean you could,” before siping. 

Buck groans, “I’m being serious.”

Tommy puts the bottle down, placing his hands on Evan’s shoulders, “I know you are,” The man holds him in place. “but you need to protect yourself, and being Eddie’s best man will harm you more than it will help Eddie.”

“I just can’t say no.”

Tommy pulls him into a hug, and he rubs up and down his back, “I know you couldn’t.” Evan sinks into the hold, “This whole thing is hard, and it sucks; I’m sorry.” He skins even further when Tommy’s hand slides up to grip the nape of his neck, “I’m sorry, Evan.”

He wishes this was how Eddie held him all those hours ago. Tommy’s arms are warm and safe. When they first started dating, Evan wasn’t used to this feeling. Tommy always let him stay until he had enough, and Evan was so used to people pulling away. No one ever let him stay for as long as he wanted. 

It was a strange feeling then, and even now, he’s not sure he ever really got used to it. It always felt like Tommy would pull without warning, that he’d let go of Evan when he had enough, but he never did. It was always Evan who pulled back first.

---

Evan has always wanted to know what it was like to eat dinner as a family. A family that would laugh around the table and tell each other how their days were. When they could talk of the good and the bad and a family recipe at the same time. He saw those moments in TV shows growing up, the sitcoms where the huge family would gather and genuinely love to be in each other’s company. He thought it was only on TV, and then he started to stay for dinner with Chris and Eddie. 

Sure, there is a family dinner with the 118, but it will never be this. There will never be conversations about math homework and asking for permission to stay after school with some friends. He only gets it through two-way mirrors here at Eddie’s. 

For a long time, Evan told himself it was a life he wasn’t destined to live. He was so sure he’d roam the earth, wandering without a map until his body found its way piece by piece into the places it had been. When he thought about trying to find something permanent, he’d take off and never return to a place he had just started to call home. 

Eddie doesn’t need someone who he’s not sure will come home at the end of the night. The father is already that person in his son’s life; he doesn’t want another in his life. It wouldn’t be fair to the boy; he’s already seen so many people come and go in his short life. Christopher could use stability, and so could Eddie. 

It is already uncertain if Evan will come home at the end of a shift. He’s been toe to toe with death more often than he can count, and he will continue to do it if it means Eddie will get to go home to his family. What does Evan have to go home to? Not a husband, wife, or child, so he will always make sure someone will be able to do that. 

Nine times out of ten, that’s why so many people leave. He’s never been able to offer stability. His exes were so worried that they’d get a call with regret to inform, but in the end, that’s part of the job. Tommy understood the job; he may not have liked how willing Buck was to put himself in these situations, but he got it. It was why Evan found it easy to bottle those feelings for Eddie up; he had someone else at home who understood. 

He made sure the lid to that bottle was on tight. All the years with Eddie, the touches, the good and the bad, the heartbreaks had been shoved down and locked away. What else was he supposed to do? Being in love with Eddie was never supposed to happen, but no matter how many times he’s tried to let go of those feelings, he can’t. 

Evan figured he could keep the feelings hidden from Tommy. It would be one of those secrets that don’t come out until someone is on their deathbed. Honestly, Buck thought would even take it to the grave; he almost has many times at this point. Unfortunately, it didn’t go as planned. Tommy found out; he saw how Evan looked at his best friend and knew. 

How could Tommy see it in one look, but Eddie never saw it. 

“Buck, you good?” 

Buck looks up from his plate at the family before him. Eddie is the one who asked, and he has a worried look on his face. The one with the pinched eyebrows and squinted eyes. All Evan wants to do is smooth out the fine lines at the corners of his eyes. 

It’s Marisol this time, “Is the food alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course it is.” Buck rushes out, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little distracted.”

“What’s wrong?” Asked Christopher.

Buck forces a smile, “Nothing at all. I was just trying to figure out the name of this podcast that I think you’d like, Marisol.”

If anyone thinks he’s lying, they don’t call him on it. Marisol even says, “If you remember, text me it.”

“Of course,” Buck says. 

He lets the table go back to recounting Christopher’s science lesson and returns to picking at his food. The couple listens to the boy talk and talk, and this is what a family is. They both have big smiles, eyes shining like Christopher is their light. He is their light, their whole world.

Why can’t Evan have this life? He dreams of it when he’s all alone in his apartment; too quiet, too empty. What must it be like to love and be loved like this? His chest aches and burns like acid is eroding him from the inside out. 

It hurts, but it will be okay. Evan will be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but maybe ten years down the line, he will look back on these moments and remember what it was like to be so completely in love with someone. He might even be in love then, maybe even more so than he’s in love with Eddie right now. 

Who knows. It’s today, not ten years from now. 

Chapter Text

It was an excuse to get out of the house. Buck had to run some errands before the start of his shift, so meeting up with Tommy wasn’t out of his way. He hasn’t been thinking about excuses to hang out with his ex. His heart definitely didn’t race when he saw the message on his phone. He was so very normal about meeting Tommy for coffee. 

It was their favorite cafe. The one they'd go to on morning dates, the one that Tommy would stop at to grab a surprise for Buck after a tough call, and the one they went to when Evan decided to go all in with Tommy. This place has seen it all. 

Evan hasn't been able to stop by since they broke up. Every time he's gone past the little shop, his mind flashes back to how things used to be. How they were happy, how Evan was so blissfully happy. 

Tommy was already there waiting with Buck’s go-to order: a slightly sweet coffee and a breakfast wrap. Tommy most likely had his latte. He remembers ordering a black coffee for Tommy the first time they came here; it definitely wasn't his thing, but Evan learned. He learned what seemed like everything about the older man.

They talk about the morning, their upcoming shifts, and the weather. It’s a little awkward, but it’s better than Evan crying to Tommy over the reason they broke up. This is better. This was a way back to being friends. 

It’s quiet between them, and Evan used to be so comfortable with their silence. He loved being able to lay in the quiet with Tommy. When they would stay in bed, Tommy’s arm heavy over Evan’s waist as he breathed softly against the nape of his neck. Tommy was soft and warm. He was everything Evan wasn’t used to, but it was good. It was so good.

He hates the quiet now. 

“Would you be my date to Eddie’s wedding?” The question leaves Evan’s mouth fast—faster than the Save the Date invitation arrival and Eddie asking him if he was taking a date, "Eddie is already asking if I’m going to bring someone.”

Tommy gasps playfully, “Evan.” 

“I know you are already going, and we could go as friends.” He watches as Tommy raises an eyebrow. He's a little more serious now, “Unless you already have a date, then I completely understand. Actually, you should totally get a…”

Tommy cuts him off with a smile, “God, I forgot how cute you are when you ramble.”

Evan doesn’t know what to say. His cheeks flush, and his chest flutters. Tommy hasn’t made him feel butterflies in a long time. It’s nice to know that those creatures that live inside his chest haven’t died. He can still feel them for someone other than Eddie. 

It would be hard to not feel them for someone like Tommy. The man has soft, kind eyes. The kind of blue people talk about in songs and movies. He is handsome and sweet, caring and strong. He was Evan's everything for a long time. It's nice to know that the butterflies haven't died. 

“Please be my date,” Evan begs. 

He can’t imagine having to go to the wedding alone. He knows he’d be alright; he’d have all his friends by his side, but it wouldn’t be the same. At least Tommy would be there with him. He’d understand the painful reality. Unfortunately, Tommy knows what it is like to be in love with someone who loves someone else. 

Tommy asks, “Don’t you think people will think it’s weird that you are bringing your ex?”

“Who cares what they think.”

“I never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth,” his ex laughs. 

Evan chuckles along, “What, I’m growing.”

“And I love seeing it.” 

Even though Tommy says those words with a smile, they don’t sound real on his lips. The little laugh following it doesn’t help. Who is Evan kidding? He hasn’t grown any. 

“So, will you be my date?”

“You know this reminds me of you asking me to be your date for your sister’s wedding.”

“And we see how that went.” Buck says, “We better keep a better eye on the groom this time.”

“Okay, I’ll be your date.” Tommy smiles before looking at his watch, “I’ve got to go.”

Evan nods and stands with Tommy. The stupid part of his brain leans in. It is so automatic, a routine he was so used to when it came to this place. He’d kiss Tommy goodbye, but this time he just kisses his cheek. It’s dumb, but Evan offers a “Thank you.”

Tommy smiles, “You're welcome, Evan.”

His ex-boyfriend goes one way, and Evan goes the other. 

---

Eddie told Evan that Marisol had found her wedding dress. Eddie told him that they picked out a cake flavor. Eddie told him that they found a location. Eddie told him he wanted a simple bachelor party, drinks with the guys, and nothing boring like golf. 

Evan lies awake at night, wondering when this all will end. He doesn’t want to be in love with his best friend. He wants to go back to how it used to be—before Tommy, before being named Christopher’s guardian if Eddie were to pass, before Eddie was even around. Maybe then Buck would be able to sleep at night. 

He wouldn’t be up tossing and turning. His dreams would be haunted by Eddie finding out about the feelings. He wouldn’t be telling his best friend the reason why he broke up with someone he thought he'd marry. He could actually marry Tommy in those dreams instead of it turning into a nightmare, where his ex tells the whole ceremony of Buck’s feelings for someone else. 

He’d sure as hell feel like a better person. Ever since he and Tommy broke up, he hasn’t been able to shake the idea of being a bad person. Some might have called him that long before all of this. Evan might have even said that, but now he knows it's true. 

No amount of therapy will help him get out of these situations. He tries to tell himself that he is good and whole but can’t. His heart wants what it can’t have, and it dreams of Eddie ending things with Marisol to be with him. 

All those conversations about Eddie being unsure of his relationship with the woman was unreasonable hope for his future. It was selfish and cruel to wish they would break up. Whenever Eddie asked for advice, Evan had to hold his tongue; he wouldn’t let it slip that he thought the couple should break up. He held it in more times than he could count. 

The nights he’d stay up listening to Eddie talk through his relationship with Marisol were the worst. They would lean against the kitchen counter with a beer in their hands, whispering in hopes not to wake Christopher. Eddie would talk about not being sure if Marisol was it; he didn’t know if he’d regret his life with her if he continued on. He just didn’t want to be alone anymore. All Evan ever wanted to do was say he was right here; he was here if only Eddie would look. 

He couldn’t, though. Their friendship was too important. Eddie was a missing piece to Evan’s heart. He had never met anyone like him, and he wasn’t sure he ever would, so he stayed quiet. 

Evan will always wonder what if. What if he said something? How different would everything be?

---

It has gotten easier to hang out with Tommy these days. The older man has gotten into the habit of texting Buck to see if their days off line up. It is usually to do simple things like get a bite to eat, watch a movie, or go on a hike. It’s been really nice to just hang out with the guy again. 

They really didn’t get the chance to just hang out and be friends when they first started dating. Every little moment together was treated with romantic intention. Now, it is simply two exes hanging out, being friends. 

It helps that Eddie is busy these days with wedding planning. He hasn’t been around for pickup basketball games or Muay Thai with Tommy. Now that Christopher is getting older, Eddie doesn’t need as much help from Buck, so they are a little more free these days. It’s no hardship for Evan either, considering how much Tommy has been there for him recently. 

Neither of them wanted to do much after their shifts, so Buck came to Tommy’s place. They got Thai takeout and started watching the Transformer movies. They are just as bad as Buck remembered, so it’s why they gave up on paying attention to the movie in favor of talking. Like all the times before, it comes back to Eddie. Evan wishes it didn’t have to go back to Eddie. 

Evan told Tommy about Eddie dragging him all around the city in search of a tux. He made Evan sit and watch as he went through different tux options. It was painful but not the worst thing to happen. It was an excuse to call Eddie handsome. 

Every suit he tried on was better than the last. Eddie filled the fabric out in the right places, which is unfair. Marisol is a lucky woman. At least Tommy understood. A handsome man is a handsome man. 

Somehow, it turned into Tommy asking, “Have you thought about distancing yourself from Eddie?”

Buck turns to face the older man. With one leg tucked under himself, he asks his friend, “What do you mean?”

“You know, not running to him anytime he calls,” Tommy says. 

Buck must look like a cartoon character with wide eyes and mouth open. He doesn’t know what to say other than, “I don’t do that.”

Tommy sighs—it’s his get-real sigh, “Evan if he were to call right now and ask if you want to hang out with him and Christopher, what would you do?”

Okay, fair point, but Buck isn’t going to give him an inch, “If it was Chris asking, I’d go, but Eddie, I would probably stay.”

“Fine.” Tommy signs once again and pinches the bridge of his nose, “It’s just it seems like you are always putting yourself into these situations were he needs something from you and no matter how many times you say no you always end up giving in. You need to establish some boundaries.”

“But it’s Eddie,” Buck says quietly. He didn’t even know he could sound this meek. “He’s my best friend.”

“Evan,” Tommy pained, so very pained. “just because it’s Eddie doesn’t mean you can let him hurt you.”

Tommy is right. Evan knows he is right, but why does it feel like his world is ending? The walls he has built from the inside out are crumbling around him, and he can’t do anything about it. He really wishes Tommy wasn’t right. 

The man reaches out and places a strong, warm hand on Buck's cheek. It’s been almost two months since Tommy touched him like this, and it feels just as good as it did when he was hungover and miserable from the engagement party. Buck misses being touched like this, with love and care. 

Evan looks away from Tommy, “I know.”

Tommy turns Evan back to look at him. Tommy's eyes are sharp on his, and his hand are as warm as ever, “But are you going to do anything about it?" 

“I’ll try.”

“I really hope you do.” Tommy drops his hand and turns away from Buck, “Evan, I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you like this.”

Evan turns his body away towards the TV. He whispers, “I promise I will try.”

It’s the truth. He will try. He knows it will be the best for him, but when has Buck ever done what was best for himself. 

Chapter Text

Buck should never have come to Eddie’s when he called. Eddie just made it sound important, and Buck didn’t have anything better to do. He had already run all his errands and cleaned up his house, so Buck did not have any excuse to use. Sure, he could have lied, but that’s all he’s been doing lately in an effort to distance himself from the man. To Evan's surprise, it’s actually been helping. 

He hasn’t felt sick to his stomach whenever Eddie is around. He’s been able to handle the casual touches and talks of the wedding. It has been getting a whole lot easier to work with his best friend now that he’s not around him all the time. While it sucks not seeing Christoper, he knows he needs to put himself first. For once in his life, he’s actually doing it. 

Unfortunately, Evan let himself believe this time would be different. He is now stuck with his best friend staring at him with pleading eyes. Eddie is so serious with his request; maybe that’s the part that hurts the most. Evan knows Eddie doesn’t mean for this to hurt, but his best friend is asking him to help write his vows. It doesn’t get any worse than that. 

“Eddie, I can’t do this,” Evan sighs. “It feels wrong to help you with this.”

“Come on, please,” Eddie begs, and Evan walks a few paces from the man. He could walk out of the kitchen to the front door and leave, but he can’t. For the moment being, he’s stuck with Eddie, “Please.”

Buck pinches the bridge of his nose. He knows he'd give in if he turned to face the man. He can’t give in, “I can’t help you write your vows.”

“Please, I just need a little help,” Eddie continues to beg. 

“I can’t help with this.” His best friend places a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly, and this just isn’t fair. This whole thing isn’t fair. It’s a bad dream, and Evan can’t seem to wake up, “I won’t.”

There is a voice in his head telling him to stand his ground. It oddly sounds like Tommy. It is telling him to hold on to his boundaries. He knows the man would be proud of him for this. Tommy would tell him he did a good job, fending off Eddie’s pleas. That’s really all Evan wants to hear right now.

Eddie takes a step even closer. Evan can feel the heat of the man’s body along his back. Eddie is too close, way too close. He should not feel the man’s breath on the back of his neck as he pleads, “Buck, please. I just need a little help.”

Tommy wouldn’t tell him he did a good job now because Evan turned. He looks into Eddie’s deep, warm eyes and asks, “What do you need help with?”

Eddie takes a step back and smiles. For a brief second, Evan wonders if Eddie did that on purpose. The thought doesn’t last long, as Eddie explains, “I just don’t know what to write.”

“You have to write from your heart.”

“But what does my heart want to say,” Eddie asks.

Evan groans. He seriously can’t believe Eddie. How does he expect Evan to help him with this when he has no idea what to even say? The wedding is months from now, so he guesses this makes sense as to why Eddie wants to get started now. He is clueless. 

“I don’t know, it’s your heart.”

“What would you say?”

“I’m not the one getting married.”

“Come on.”

“Fine.” Buck sighs.

He takes a seat at the dinner table and grabs the little notebook that Eddie is writing his thoughts in. Evan can’t believe he’s actually doing this. His eyes sting, and he does his best to fight past the tears threatening to escape. Somehow, he does it. He starts to write. 

Marisol, I will love you until time no longer exists, till our hands wrinkle and bones turn to glass, till the stars fade and the sun falls. You found your way into my heart and home and have become everything to me. 

You are my missing piece, my best friend, my thoughts when I wake and when I sleep; you are my everything. I love you in every lifetime, past, present, and future. You are my forever and always. 

Evan puts the pen down and slides the paper over to Eddie. He watches as the man reads it over and smiles. He smiles wide. Evan feels sick. 

Eddie says, “Damn, man, you are really good at this.” It looks like he reads it over again, “Did you secretly write vows for Tommy or something.”

The little laugh Eddie lets out was enough to get the chair squeaking around the floor. Evan stands and clearly shocks Eddie. Buck has to leave; he can’t stay here. 

His eyes sting, and his heart feels like it will come through his chest. His hands are shaking, so he curls them to his side. He needs to go. 

Evan’s voice shakes, “I think I’m going to head out.”

Eddie stands after him, “Was it the Tommy comment? I’m sorry, man.”

“No, it’s not that.”

It’s a lie; they both know it. Eddie seems to be letting him get away with it, “Okay, see ya then.”

“See ya.”

Evan offers a wave and heads out of the kitchen. Once outside and in his car, he drives down the street before pulling to the curb. He couldn’t let himself cry in Eddie’s driveway. He doesn’t know if he would be able to live with himself if he did that. 

He also isn’t sure if he can live with himself right now. He used recycled words that he was never able to speak. He used them on someone who doesn’t deserve them, and now Evan is crying in his car like a high schooler who got dumped the night before prom. He’s never been more pathetic than he is right now. 

He doesn’t even think. One minute, the car sounds of his sobs, and the next, a voice says, “Evan, I was just going to call you.” It’s Tommy. Of course, he called Tommy without even thinking about it. 

“Are-are you busy?” Evan chokes. 

“Oh, Evan, what’s wrong?”

“I helped Eddie write his vows.” Buck cries. He wipes tears from his eyes and sucks back a sob, “I tried to tell him no. I tried to have boundaries, but I couldn’t."

Tommy’s voice is so soft as he says, “Oh honey, come over.”

And that’s what Buck does. He drives straight to Tommy’s house. The streetlights are blurred by tears; it’s a miracle that he made it in one piece. He’s honestly not sure how he even got to the man’s house, but he’s so grateful he made it in good time. 

Evan didn’t even have to knock on the door; Tommy was already there waiting for him. He didn’t say a word; he just pulled Evan into a hug. Tommy’s arms are warm and strong and everything Evan needs right now. He’s safe. Tommy will always be safe. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Tommy says as Evan lets go.

The older man takes his hand and leads him to the couch. He offers him a cup of tea and a shoulder to cry on. When Tommy asks what he wrote for Eddie, he can’t tell him. He could not confess that the words were never meant for Eddie to use. They were meant for Evan and only Evan since he would never be able to use them for the person he intended them for. 

The shoulder to cry on turned into a chest. Evan was cuddling with Tommy, his limbs wrapped tightly around the only comfort he could rely on. His ex whispered sweet nothings to him. He was telling Evan that he did his best and Eddie was the one in the wrong. Tommy repeated that Eddie ignored his boundaries. No matter how many times Evan said no, he still kept at it. 

Even though Tommy says it isn’t his fault, he can’t shake the feeling that it is. He knew he shouldn't have come when Eddie called. It was a mistake. Eddie was a mistake. 

All of this was a mistake. 

Chapter Text

Evan is smiling at his phone. It's been a few hours since he checked it, and he has five notifications—all text messages from Tommy. The older man is just checking in with him, asking how his day is going, and telling Evan about the little things in his day. He saw a duck and said it reminded him of Evan, and that made Buck smile. 

His chest flutters with butterflies. He feels light and free. Nothing has felt like this in a long time. Tommy has been the only person to really ever make him feel this free. It's nice to feel it again. 

He hasn't been able to get Tommy out of his head recently. Maybe that has to do with the forehead kiss his ex gave him after the Eddie incident. Personally, that is what Evan is dubbing that event; it sounds a whole lot better than Buck's breakdown. 

Either way, Tommy has been on his mind. It's been good. For the first time in a long time, everything feels right in the world; nothing is falling apart. Evan doesn't feel like he's falling apart. 

"Who's got you smiling like that?" Chim slaps him on the shoulder, and Evan shoves his phone back into his locker.

On the other side of him is Eddie, "You've been smiling at your phone like that a lot lately." Before Evan can even try to deny that, Eddie continues, "You seeing someone?"

He has two options here: He can either lie and say he is or tell the truth. He goes with the truth, as there have been too many lies lately. "It's just Tommy."

Chim gasps, "Tommy Tommy, like your ex Tommy."

Evan rolls his eyes, "The one and only."

Eddie looks surprised, "I didn't know you two were talking again."

"Yeah, we talk," Buck says as he walks out of the locker room. He hopes his friends don't follow after him, but they are hot on his heels. He turns to tell them, "Seriously, guys, it's not a big deal."

"Since when?" Eddie asks.

Buck looks away from the man, "Your engagement party."

It's Cimney's turn to chime in, "So you have been talking to Tommy since Eddie's engagement party?"

Eddie scoffs,  " Buck, that was three months ago, and you are just mentioning it. "

"Yeah, it's not a big deal. "  Buck says, "We are friends."

Chim raises an eyebrow, "You guys are just friends."

"Yep. "  Buck knows it's the correct answer—it's the only answer. They are just friends, that is all they are, but do just friends think about forehead kisses and strong arms? Buck has been dreaming about coming home and crawling into those arms a lot recently. "We are just friends. "

Chimney shakes his head, "Okay, whatever you say."

Eddie also looks amused when he says,  " Okay, Buck."

"We are just friends, "  Evan groans. 

Hen looks at the group, "What did Buck do?"

Chim smirks, "He and Tommy are just friends."

The woman's eyes widened with surprise. "What did I miss?"

Buck shakes his head, "Nothing. "  

Hen didn't miss anything because there was nothing to tell. He and Tommy are just friends. That is all they will ever be. Evan had his shot with Tommy, and he fumbled it. He fucked up by being in love with Eddie. If he could go back in time, he'd change everything. 

"You didn't miss anything, "  Buck says as he walks away.

---

Buck thought he was being a good uncle by hanging out with his niece, but in reality, it was just a set-up. After Maddie had returned from running errands, she cornered Evan as he was helping her put up groceries. She has him trapped, and he can't go anywhere.

Maddie says so   matter of fact, "So I heard through the grapevine that you are talking to Tommy again. "

Evan groans, "I'm going to kill Chimney."

His sister stares pointedly at him, "When were you going to tell me that you were talking to Tommy again."

"It's not important."

" Evan, you have been talking to him for three months and haven't told me. Why are you hiding this from everyone? "  Evan groans at her question, "Are you two dating again?"

"No, we aren't dating. "  Evan runs his hands through his hair. "He's just helping me out with something. "

She makes a face, "Ew, I didn't need to know that."

"No, Maddie. "  Buck groans again, "Not like that. He's been helping me work through things, important things."

"Like what?"

She stares at him in a very Maddie way. It's one of those looks that tells him he might as well spill because she won't let it go. He knows she means no ill will; she is   the best sister anyone could ask for. She is just worried, and he gives in. 

Evan sighs in defeat, "Fuck, okay, I'm in love with Eddie."

Maddie drops the can of beans she is holding, "Oh my god. "  Evan picks it up and puts it on the counter, "Oh my god."

Buck pinches the bridge of his nose, "Don't, oh my god, me. "

" What, what, okay…" It's seemingly taking her a few seconds to process everything, "but you're going to be his best man. "

At least that is a better question than most people would ask, "Hence why he's helping me figure things out. "

"Okay, this is a lot to unpack. "  She says, "I can't say I'm surprised, but oh my god."

"I know."

He didn't think Maddie would react poorly to this, but this has been a nice reminder. It was like the day he came out to her. She was so calm and collected. Her reaction was precisely what Buck needed in those moments. She made him feel like everything was going to be okay. That's always how Maddie has made him feel. 

"So when did Tommy find out? "  She asks as she pulls two wine glasses out.

Evan sighs; he hates to admit this,  " Well, about ten months ago, I think. "

"You've  been in love with Eddie for ten months? " Maddie stops in the middle of opening a bottle of wine. "Wait is this why you guys broke up?"

This is probably even worse to admit to his sister,  " Maddie I've been in love with my best friend for years and yes this is. "

Her eyes widen, "Oh, we will need more wine. "

" Yes, we are. "  Evan nods, "A lot more wine."

She smiles and places a hand on his shoulder, "It's going to be okay."

Evan nods. He knows Maddie will help him take care of this. She will talk him through all the pain and regret he has faced these last few months and years. 

"I know," he says. 

His big sister will always make everything okay. 

Chapter Text

Evan declined Eddie's offer to come with him to the suit fitting. The man told him where to go and what suit to get. It isn't anything fancy, just a charcoal grey suit. The wedding isn't going to be over the top, nothing flashy. It's just a grey suit. 

Even though it is an easy task, Evan brings Tommy. He didn't want to do it alone, and Tommy had already asked if he wanted to hang out. He told the man he'd buy lunch if he came with him. Well, lunch had already come and gone, and Evan wasn't the one who paid. 

Tommy sits while Evan browses the selection of white shirts. He won't buy anything besides what he needs, but it doesn't hurt to look. There are way too many options for white dress shirts. Who could possibly need this many options? 

He laughs to himself, "This is ridiculous."

Tommy gets up from his spot and stands by Evan. He looks at the material in his hands. "What is ridiculous?" Tommy asks.

"Who needs this many options?" Evan gestures around all the shirts. "What happened to a simple white button-up?"

Tommy smiles at him. "Well, honey," the man says in a sophisticated voice, "this shirt is an eggshell white, and that one is egg white, and that one is a white eggshell."

Evan laughs as he nudges the man's side, "You're a dork."

His ex nudges him back, "Aren't you glad this isn't one of those weddings where you get to pick your outfit but still have to stay within the color scheme."

"You're right." He looks at the shirt in his hand. It's the one that Eddie told him and the rest of the groomsmen to wear. It was per Marisol's request, "This is so much easier."

Tommy chuckles lightly, "And be grateful that you can rent your suit. Remember my cousin's wedding, when I had to buy that awful orange suit because I couldn't find anywhere to rent it?"

Evan does. It was an unfortunate color. Tommy had to dress in a bright safety cone orange suit; it looked horrible on him. While Evan wasn't able to go to the wedding, Tommy tried it on at his place, so he got to see the abomination of a suit. 

"That was awful." Evan smiles, "Do you still have it?"

"If it didn't cost a million dollars, I would have burned it," Tommy laughs.

Evan laughs with him. He can't get the memory of that night out of his head. While he wasn't able to attend the wedding, he picked Tommy up from the reception. It was two in the morning and the man was drunk, so very drunk.

He had to enter the reception to grab Tommy because he couldn't find his way to the car. The man's family was dancing all around, enjoying the night in vibrant orange. When he found Tommy, the man was adamant about introducing him to every one of his family members. He introduced Evan as the light of his life, his little love, and his sweetheart. Evan doesn't know if his cheeks have ever been warmer than those moments, but he wouldn't trade it for the world. 

When they got back to his apartment, Tommy quickly tried to strip out of the suit. Evan laughed as the man struggled. His pants wouldn't come off; they were stuck around his ankles because Tommy still had his shoes on. So he had to help him. In Tommy's alcohol-induced state, he declared his undying love for Evan. He yelled, laughed, and smiled as he told Evan how much he loved him. 

If Evan could only have captured that moment on camera. It would have lived in vivid color, a reminder of how things used to be. Of how happy Evan was with Tommy. No girlfriend before the man had ever made him feel so giddy and loved. No feeling will ever be matched to how Tommy made him so happy with love. 

Tommy nudges him and asks softly, "Did you ever think about us getting married?"

Evan nods, "I did."

"Me too," Tommy laughs a little to himself. Evan knows that little laugh. His ex is nervous; it is a tell that Tommy isn't aware of. Evan will always know this: "I didn't think we'd have a big wedding."

Buck nods again, "Me neither, or at least not a huge ceremony."

"Courthouse?" Tommy asks as his fingers run along the edges of the samples of shirts. 

"Yeah, the courthouse." Buck says, watching Tommy's fingers gently touch each shirt, "Very small, I could never pick out witness thought."

Tommy's fingers stop, "I always imagined either Maddie or Bobby."

"I would have liked that."

"The party would have been big." Buck nodded, and Tommy continued, "The reception would have been at Bobby and Athena because they wouldn't have had it any other way." Tommy quickly glanced at Evan then looked away. "The 118 would all be there, your family, my family, my friends. It would only be the people we loved and who loved us."

"Yeah, exactly."

Tommy turns away, "I know we were only together a year, but I started looking at rings."

"Tommy."

The man looks down at his shoe, "It was stupid of me."

Evan lifts his ex-boyfriend's chin, "It wasn't." Tommy's eyes shine with a sheen that is only seen right before tears, "I was doing the same."

The conversation was cut short when the sales associate cleared his throat. He was there with Buck's suit. The charcoal grey suit, per Marisol's vision. 

If this was all those months ago, Evan's suit would have been navy blue, and Tommy's would have been burnt Sienna. They would have had two sets of rings: indestructible ones for work and gold for every day. The wedding would have been small, but everyone who should have been there would have been. 

But it wasn't all those months ago. They are leaving the store with a single white button-up. Evan doesn't need to collect his suit until a couple of days before the wedding—it's two months from now. 

Hell, two months ago, he wouldn't have believed he was leaving a store with Tommy after talking about the wedding they will never have. He wouldn't have believed that their hands brush against each other, Evan's pinky lightly catching Tommy's, and he actually thinks about hanging on. The soft smile on Tommy's face gives him hope. Maybe the touch wouldn't be unwelcome. 

---

Maddie reassures Buck that she hasn't told Chimney about his little problem. She knows that her husband wouldn't be able to keep the secret, so for her little brother's sake, she didn't tell a soul. Buck will always love Maddie for that. The secret doesn't need to be accidentally outed by Chim. 

Thankfully, his brother-in-law knows when to leave because Buck needs to talk to Maddie. Chimney takes Jee on a little daddy-daughter outing, so Evan knows it is safe to talk about this. He's been going crazy about the little situation he's found himself in after the suit fitting. 

Evan is lounging on his sister's couch, trying to find the right thing to say. The best he can settle on is, "Maddie, I don't know what I'm doing anymore." Maddie is sitting next to him; she rolls her eyes in the way an older sister only can. It's one that tells Evan he needs to get on with the story, "I may have fucked up."

Maddie sighed, "You tell me you need to talk to me about some situation, and that's the best you are going to give me."

"Okay." Evan takes a deep breath and says, "I think Tommy is still in love with me."

Maddie takes a sip of her coffee before putting it down on the coffee table. She glares at him, "Evan, I'm pretty sure if he didn't still love you, he wouldn't be putting up with your shit."

Evan throws his head back against the couch cushion. He groans, "I know he still loves me like a friend would, but I mean, he still might want to date me, you know, be with me."

He doesn't even have to look at Maddie to know she is glaring at him, "Did he tell you wanted to get back together?"

"No…"

He can't even continue because Maddie cuts him off, "Then why do you think Tommy is still in love with you."

He looks over to his sister and shrugs. She is right; he doesn't actually know anything. All he is going off of is one little smile that the man gave him after shopping. It was a smile; it doesn't have to mean anything. Hell, Tommy smiles at him all the time. 

Maddie asks, "Do you want to be with him?"

All Evan can do is shrug again because he really doesn't know. Their relationship was the best one Evan had ever had. Tommy was so good and kind to him. He was the first person to feel like home—a stable home with solid walls and a good foundation. 

Tommy took things slow. He was patient and caring when Evan was unsure of what the future held. He had Evan's back and didn't abandon him when he doubted himself. When Buck didn't like who he saw in the mirror Tommy was there to tell him everything he loved. He was there even until the bitter end.

Maybe Evan just misses the support. Maybe he misses being held at night and being told he is loved before he falls asleep. Maybe it's the fact that everyone around him is falling in love and figuring out what the rest of their lives look like. Maybe it's all of the above, or perhaps it's none. Either way, Evan isn't really sure what he wants.

"Evan, do you want to get back together with Tommy?" Maddie searches all over his face, "If so, that's okay, but what about your feelings for Eddie? Those don't just disappear overnight."

"I know that." Evan scrubs his hands over his face, "Maddie, I don't know what I want."

She places her hand over his and squeezes, "Do you see yourself being able to love Tommy again?"

He shuts his eyes and whispers, "I don't know if I ever stopped."

"Evan." She sighs softly, "Do you want to get back together with him?

"I don't know," Buck looks over at her, "maybe."

Maddie lets go of his hand, "I don't think that is a good enough answer, but it's start." She hands him the extra cup of coffee she made for him, "Before you go back down that road, you need to figure out what you are feeling. You need to know if whatever you are feeling for Tommy is stronger than those feelings you had for Eddie that caused you two to break up in the first place. If you are going to do this again, you need to be sure."

Evan nods, "I know."

"You are my little brother, and I love you, and nothing will ever change that, but I don't know if I will be able to watch you break Tommy's heart again." Maddie takes a deep breath, "If he does still love you then you can't keep stringing him along with a promise of maybe."

"Maddie." 

"No, Evan, listen." She retakes hold of his hand, "You need to be sure of what you are for Tommy because a maybe isn't good enough. Tommy doesn't deserve a maybe. No one does."

Maddie is right. She is always right and Evan kind of hates that. Tommy doesn't deserve the promise of maybe. Ever since Evan met the man, he knew Tommy was a forever and always type of guy. He isn't a maybe and sometimes kind of guy. Evan has known that for almost two years now.

They had been dating for two months before Tommy told Evan he loved him. Nothing had ever sounded better than that. It had only been two months, and Evan thought about what forever and always would be like with Tommy. For the first time, Evan had actually liked the thought of the future. 

Chapter Text

Evan is wet, soaked to the bone type of wet. It's just he didn't know it was going to rain. The forecast only called for a small percentage. He guesses he can't trust the weather app anymore because it was supposed to be partly cloudy at the farmers market, not pouring rain. 

It clearly caught many people by surprise because everyone at the market scattered for cover. Luckily the downpour only lasted a handful of minutes, or it would have really sucked because Evan was not one of the lucky few to find shelter. He stood out in the ran like a fool. 

At first, it felt nice, the cool rain on his skin. The market smelled so sweet, the warm scent of summer heat on the pavement mixed with rain. Nothing is better than that, so Evan took it in. Unfortunately, that meant he was soaking wet.  

He was headed towards his car when he realized the rain wasn't lightening up just yet. He was in a light jog when he saw him in the distance. Tommy was headed towards the market with an umbrella in hand. The man was smiling at Evan as he jogged in the rain. 

Stupidly, he stopped in the middle of the market. He waited until Tommy closed the distance. Then, in the tiny space, he stood face-to-face under the umbrella with the man. Evan could feel Tommy's breath on his. 

He was warm and beautiful. Tommy has always had a presence, a radiating light that followed him wherever he went. He could light up any room he entered and make anyone smile and laugh. At least, that's what Evan sees when Tommy is around. 

The water clung to his body in ways that should have been uncomfortable, but he couldn't help but love the attention Tommy paid to the material around his chest. The man touched his cheek, trying to wipe away the water dripping from his hair. There was no use. Evan was soaked from head to toe.

It's how he finds himself at Tommy's car. He's searching through the back seat for a clean sweatshirt for Evan to wear. Neither of them wanted to change their plans of meeting up at the market. They had been planning this for days, squeezing it between their shifts because they really wanted to see each other.

Tommy pulls out a light purple sweatshirt from his backseat. Written across the front is a brand that Evan doesn't recognize, but it doesn't matter because he strips off his sopping shirt in front of Tommy. He doesn't have to look to see if the man is staring; he always had that effect on Tommy. 

He throws his wet shirt in a plastic bag Tommy had in his car, and they go on their way. Many people seem to be headed out of the market, probably due in part to the rain. It's a good thing for the pair; they are able to move without being squished together. It's not like that would be a bad thing, but as two large men, it isn't ideal. 

As they walk, Evan keeps smelling something so familiar. It's gentle and calming, something that almost feels like home. Maybe it's just the air after the storm, but it doesn't feel right. He can't place it. 

They walk and walk, browsing different vendors' booths. Every so often, their hands will brush, and  Evan is tempted to take hold of the man's hand every time. It would be so easy. Evan could slip his fingers between Tommy's; he could feel the warmth that lies in his palms. Evan is so familiar with it. The warmth was always felt when Tommy held him close. 

Evan is left to browse a pop-up with little knickknacks that look like they belong in a grandma's home. They are all little cherubs and cats, but there is something so cute about them. It's homey, even though Evan would never have them in his home. 

A gust of wind enters the tent, and Evan smells it again. It's a light floral scent that is calming, and Evan wishes he could figure it out, but he can't. He's not sure what it is, or maybe he does. Something in him clicks when he sees Tommy wave to him from another booth. 

It's stupid, so stupid, but Evan brings the collar of Tommy's sweatshirt to his nose. It's the laundry soap, the lavender one that Tommy started using because he knew it was Evan's favorite. It smelt like a memory. One when he watched Tommy put the soap in his grocery cart and asked him why. All the man could do was smile and tell him it was because he wanted his house to feel like home.

"Evan." Buck looks up at Tommy, who is smiling softly as he walks towards him. "You are coming."

Buck nods because he will always follow the path home. 

---

Eddie is not the best when it comes to words; Buck has always been aware of that. Sometimes that causes problems for the guy; other times, it just makes him look like an asshole. In this case, it is the ladder.

"I wish I wasn't getting married," is the first thing Eddie says when he sits down at the table with Chimney and Buck. The two of them stare at each other in confusion before turning to Eddie. All the guy can do is groan, and that definitely doesn't help his case. 

This entire wedding planning process has been filled with statements like that. It's not made Eddie look like the best guy in the world. Actually, it's made him look like an asshole that's only having a wedding because his future wife wants to. He makes the whole thing sound like a chore that he hates doing, like folding laundry or taking out the trash.

"Marisol has been having us practice our first dance," Eddie says, which Buck guesses helps clarify things.

"I loved practicing with Maddie." Chimney smiles wide when he says it. Buck genuinely loves seeing his brother-in-law so happy when he thinks of Maddie. His sister deserves someone who smiles when they think of her. "We would try to practice, then Jee would try to get in on it, and it was…" he stops himself with a grin and a laugh. "It was perfect."

Eddie groans, "Chim, this is awful."

Buck buts in, "It can't be that bad."

"At this rate, we will both have broken toes by the wedding." He scrubs a hand over his face in defeat. "At least then we wouldn't have to do this dance." Eddie drops his hands and looks between them. "I'm only putting up with this because we have to do it."

A part of Evan feels bad for Marisol; a part of him  has   felt  for every girlfriend Eddie has had in the last few years.  He knows Eddie isn't a bad guy. He would never do anything to purposely hurt them, but if Evan was in their shoes, he doesn't know if he could put up with sounding like he was a chore to do.

Chim is the one that asks, "Why do you have to do it?"

Eddie rolls his eyes, "Because Marisol wants to do it."

And there it is. Eddie speaks as if Marisol is holding a gun to his head, telling him that he has to do it. It's one thing to complain about the dance but a whole other thing to make it sound like you are being held hostage. What a sad way to live. If you're going to be loved for the rest of your life, Evan would never want to just be something someone puts up with.

Tommy is the one that made him realize that all he's ever done is settle. Tommy has loved him without condition, and he has been there through the good and a whole hell of a lot of bad. Even when the man didn't understand Evan and the things he's been through, he loved him anyway. Tommy has always loved him, no matter what. 

"You'll have to show us those dance moves," Chimney says, clearly wanting to change the subject. He's never been the best about hiding his emotions as he continued to grimace at Eddie's comment about  Marisol,  "at the bachelor party."

"You've got two weeks to practice," Buck says. 

Eddie groans once again, "Hell, I don't think I'll be ready for the wedding in two months."

For once, they were luckily saved by the bell. Someone needs their help. 

---

It was one of those shifts that Evan's entire body hurt. His body and soul are worn out, and he's not sure if it can be fixed by the time he has to go back to work. It was just one of those days that it became very apparent how taxing this job can be and how not everyone is built to do what he does. Right now, he's not even sure he's built for it. 

It's  okay,  though. He's relaxing on his couch, and Tommy is putting away dinner dishes in his kitchen. The man had stopped by after his shift with takeout, and honestly, Evan couldn't be happier. There was no way he was going to cook tonight or even get anything delivered; he figured it was a sleep-for-dinner kind of night. 

So when Tommy texted him to let him know he was coming over with takeout, Evan found a little bit of energy to take a quick shower and clean up a little. He didn't even tell Tommy about the day or that he felt like he was being torn apart piece by piece; it's just that Tommy somehow always knew when Evan had a bad day. He has always known how to make it better. He always knows when Evan needs him. 

The kitchen tap turns off, and Tommy walks towards the couch. He takes a seat next to Evan. It's a little close, but he isn't going to tell the man so. He lets him be. 

He turns to Tommy, "Thank you for coming."

Tommy smiles, "Thanks for having me." 

He places a hand on Evan's leg, and fuck does it make his chest flutter with delight. It's one of those things that Buck never really got used to. All of Tommy is big, and even though the two of them are similar in size, the man has always been able to make him feel small in all the best ways. 

Tommy continues, "I'd just gotten off a shift and didn't want to be alone."

"How bad was it?"

"Search and rescue in Angeles." He sighs and pats Evan's thigh, "I really don't want to talk about it."

"Apartment fire." Evan tells the man everything he needs to know, "I understand what you mean."

Tommy looks at him and nods. He understands; it was one of the things that Buck always appreciated about Tommy. He understood in ways that no one else did. He knew what it was like on the job.  Sometimes  when  the calls  we  really  bad  they stay up and talk about their work, but today isn't one of those days.  

He won't push Tommy into talking about it. It's clear that something is eating at him. His eyes are tired, and the bags under his eyes scream for Evan to take care of him. All Evan wants to do is take care of him. He wants to lay Tommy head down on his lap, comb his fingers through his hair, and tell him all the good he brings to this world. Evan wants to tell him how much he loves him, but he won't. 

The best he can think of is taking Tommy's hand in his. Evan takes the hand that is resting on his thigh, turns Tommy's palm, and laces their fingers together. He squeezes his ex-boyfriend's hand and hopes it tells him everything he wishes he could. 

He hopes the touch tells Tommy that he is loved, that he is good, and that he doesn't have to hold onto the bad because Evan is right here; he will take care of it. All it does is get Tommy to smile softly at him. He guesses that is enough. 

It is almost similar to how things used to be, yet so far away. They aren't together. They aren't going to crawl into Evan's bed and trade little kisses until their day's work takes them away. Tommy isn't going to be the last thing he sees when he falls asleep and the first thing he sees when he wakes. Tommy will go home at the end of the night, and Evan will have to go to bed alone. 

He wishes he didn't have to sleep alone tonight. 

Evan sighs, "It was a bad day."

"Yeah, it was." Tommy nods and lets go of Buck's hand. It hurts a little, but Evan understands, "Do you want me to go?"

"No." Evan shakes his head, "I'd love for you to stay."

It's better than what he really wants to say. He wants to beg  Tommy to stay and for him to never leave again. Evan wants everything to be how it used to be. He's never wanted it more than he does right now. He craves the familiar comfort. 

Tommy says, "I'll stay."

And Tommy does. He picks up the remote that lies between them and puts on the first movie he sees on Netflix. The movie doesn't matter; Evan is sure of it. 

Sometime during the movie, Evan lets himself lean against Tommy. He rests his head on the man's  shoulder,  and Tommy wraps an arm  him . Neither of them says anything about it; they just sit there in comfortable silence as the movie plays on. It's good like this. 

Evan's tired; the day is catching up with him once again. His eyes are getting heavy, but he has to fight it. He's sure Tommy will be gone when he wakes if he falls asleep right now. It's a story he's seen many times before, maybe not with Tommy, but he's sure it would happen again. 

He always hated waking up alone after a night of fun. When he would roll over and the spot beside him would be ice cold. No one would ever stay, but then Tommy happened. Tommy stayed every single time. Evan's not sure he could take the man leaving for the first time. 

Buck lies against Tommy's chest even as the end credits roll. Neither of them says anything to each other. Evan wishes he could. He'd asked Tommy to stay again. He would make a spot for him in his bed; it would be Tommy's old spot, on the right side, that Evan now calls his. He would give him a change of clothes and tell him it didn't have to mean anything, even though it would.  

He can't, though, because Tommy moves Evan away, and he stands. He towers over him and says, "I've got some errands to run in the morning, so I should head out."

"Okay."

Tommy slips on his shoes and heads for the door. Evan follows after him and nearly runs into him when they get to the door. They stand inches from one another, and Evan feels like he's craning his head up to look at him. 

His ex opens the door, and before walking through, he says, "Sleep well, Evan."

"You too."

Instead of taking a step outside, Tommy takes a step towards him. He places a hand on Evan's chin and lifts his face. It feels almost exactly  how  it did when Tommy first kissed him. Although there is no rambling this time, and there is no kiss to the lips. 

Tommy presses his soft, warm lips to Evan's forehead. It is short, but Evan is sure he will feel it for weeks. He will also hear the sweet words Tommy whispers before heading out the door. A name Tommy hasn't called him in months has never sounded better. 

"Take care, sweetheart." 

Evan's heart skips a beat as Tommy walks out the door. He's still Tommy's sweetheart. Maybe he really could have asked Tommy to stay. Maybe he would have  stay  forever if Evan asked. 

Chapter Text

Evan knows he needs to get out of bed. He can’t rot until his next shift. He has things to do, errands to run, and a life to put back together. He’s the one that fuck everything up; it’s the one thing he knows how to do. At least he's consistent. 

It takes a bit of a pep talk and the rancid smell of his body to finally pull himself out of bed. He didn’t want to, but he did it at least. He got in the shower and grabbed the first cleanish article of clothing in the pile he’d been collecting at the foot of his bed. 

He didn’t have to look to know what he was wearing. He could smell it, the sweet lavender. Evan took a seat on the edge of his bed and let himself feel it. He took it in. 

Evan fuck up. He ruined the best thing that has ever happened to him. Not just once but twice. He hurt the man who used lavender laundry soap because it was his favorite, the man who would bring him organic honey cough drops, the man who would only buy red bell peppers because Evan claimed the yellow tasted different, and the man who made him believe he was worthy of love. 

Evan was Evan and ruined the rest of his life at Eddie’s bachelor’s party. He doesn’t remember much, but he can recall the important parts: how his lips felt warm against Tommy’s and how familiar and perfect it was like it had always been. He missed  the way  Tommy felt on him, how his large hand cupped his face, held him close, and made him feel every inch of his love. 

He also remembered the reason why he would never feel those lips again. He would never hear the voice that told him he loved him. He would never see those eyes shine under neon light again. Evan had lost Tommy forever because he called him Eddie. 

He told Tommy that he loved him, that he had always loved him, and he meant it. He also meant it when he called the man Eddie. Evan loves them both, but he wishes he didn’t. A part of him wishes he didn’t love at all, and the other part wishes he could love them both without it being a problem. 

Tommy has been far too good to him. He’s always seen him for him, no matter if it was good or bad. Unfortunately, Tommy sees Evan's bad side once again. The side that can’t stop wanting Eddie no matter how much he doesn’t want him. 

Tommy has always seen him. Tommy has always been good to him. Tommy has always been there for him. So why has it always been Eddie? 

Buck looks to his right. On the wall is a picture of him, Eddie, and Christopher. He picks it up and stares at the smiling face. His thumb brushes over the ever-happy image of Eddie, and as much as Evan wishes he didn’t, he can’t stop wanting him. 

He throws the picture frame off the loft. He doesn’t have to look to see that the glass has shattered into a million pieces—funny, he feels the same way. His chest aches and the tears in his eyes are blinding him. Evan can’t make this right. He will never be able to make this right. 

Buck tries to wipe the tears away, but they just keep coming. He holds his face in his hands and knows that none of his errands are being done. Laying back down on the bed, he holds the sweatshirt to his nose. Maybe this sweatshirt will be enough. It will have to be enough; that’s all he has left of Tommy. 

---

There is no denying Buck has been mopping for the last week and a half. Everyone has clocked it. Bobby, Hen, Chim, and Maddie have asked him about it, and they’ve all been worried about him, but all he’s done is shrug it off. He can’t tell them why. He’s not sure if he would be able to face them if they knew what he did. 

He’s been miserable, and it’s his fault. Tommy hasn’t talked to him in ten days because he’s an awful person. He’s someone who never deserved Tommy's love. He broke the man’s heart into a million pieces once before, and as soon as he started to piece it back together, he went and fucked it up again.

It’s not like Evan hasn’t tried to talk to Tommy. He called and texted him. He left voicemail after voicemail for days until he finally got the hint. Tommy will never speak to him again. He will be a memory, one cherished long after its expiration date. Tommy will be who he thinks of on his last day. His smile will flash through his mind, it will be the last thing he sees. What a beautiful sight it will be. 

“Hey Buck,” Eddie startles him with a pat on the back. "Tommy said he couldn’t make it to our pick-up game.” Evan swallows the lump in his throat. " You're keeping him busy or something?”

“No.” If it sounds a little pathetic, Eddie doesn’t say anything, “Must be someone else.”

Eddie nods, “Oh, okay. He said he was busy. I figured you two had plans.”

“We don’t have plans.”

“Trouble in paradise,” Eddie laughs.

Evan says through gritted teeth, “We aren’t dating.”

Eddie puts his hands up in defense, “It was a joke. Chill, man.” 

“Yeah, I know.”

Just because he knows doesn’t mean it doesn’t make his stomach turn. It doesn’t mean he isn’t rushing out of the locker room  towards  the bathrooms. It doesn’t mean his stomach isn't threatening to come out through his mouth. 

He dry heaves over the toilet; he can’t do this today. Not here, not now. The alarm goes off, and Buck has to snap out of it. If he doesn’t, it will be a very long day. 

---

Apparently, Chimney and the rest of the 118 had enough of Buck’s mopping around because he brought out the big guns. He sat before Maddie, who was staring at him with a pointed look. She invited him over, and Buck didn’t even have to ask why he needed to come over. 

She had started it out easy, just them having lunch. She didn’t even ask him what was wrong. His sister just let him be until she put Jee down for a nap. Then it was time to talk; it was okay; Evan knew he needed to face it sooner or later. 

So when she asks, “What is going on?” Evan was prepared.

He takes a big breath, “I really fucked up.”

“What did you do?” She moves a little closer and takes his hand in her. His sister has always known how to make big, scary things feel small and easy, “You know you can tell me anything.”

Evan looks away from her and says, “I told Tommy I loved him.”

It doesn’t even seem to phase her, “And that is a problem. Why?”

This is the big part—the scary monster that has been eating away at him for two weeks. It has been what has kept him up, keeping him from feeling like everything would be okay, keeping him from feeling like he will ever be whole again. Tommy made him feel whole for the first time in his life, and now that he is really gone, Evan isn’t sure what he is going to do.

“Because I called him Eddie.”

This time, Maddie gasps. He looks over at his sister, and she is surprised, maybe even worried, “Evan Buckley, what were you thinking?”

He shakes his head in disgust for himself, “I wasn’t. It was at Eddie’s bachelor party, and I was drunk.”

“That isn’t an excuse  Evan .”

“I know it isn’t.” Evan groans, “I hate myself so much. I really fucked things up with Tommy, and I don’t know if I can fix it this time.”

He feels the tears prick in his eyes. All he’s done for the last two weeks is cry. It is as if he can see Tommy everywhere, feeling him when he’s all alone. The man can't seem to leave his mind, and it’s torture. This whole thing feels worse than any moment he’s spent agonizing over Eddie never loving him. 

His sister lets go of his hand and wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. “Did you try to talk to him?”

Buck sniffles, “I’ve tried calling and texting, but he won’t answer.”

“Do you blame him?”

“No.” He rested his head on his big sister’s shoulder. “I really love him, Maddie.”

“Then why did you call him Eddie.”

“I don’t know.” He sighs, “I really don’t.”

“Evan.”

“It’s always been Eddie, you know.” Maddie wipes a tear from his cheek. “But then there was Tommy, and no one has ever made me feel the way he has. He saw me and understood me without even having to try. Loving him has always been easy, but why can’t I stop loving Eddie? I wish I could stop.”

“You can be in love with Tommy and still love Eddie.” Maddie strokes the top of his head like she used to when he was a kid with a bad dream, “ Evan  you found companionship with Eddie when you needed it. There is no denying that he loves you too, and you love him, but it is not the same as your love for Tommy.”

Evan lifts his head to look at Maddie, “What?”

“You still can dream of growing old with Eddie and seeing Chris grow up as friends. You can love platonically, and sometimes that love can be stronger than any relationship, but it doesn’t mean you are in love.” Maddie  places a hand on  his cheek, “You love Tommy with your whole heart, and everyone can see that. Everyone also knows how much you love Eddie and Christopher , but you  really need to figure out if what you are feeling for Eddie is romantic or not.”

“You don’t think what I feel Eddie is romantic?” Buck asks.

She shakes her head softly, “I can’t answer that for you, but from what I can see, you wouldn’t be so torn up over Tommy if you thought there was something to hold on to with Eddie.” Maddie drops her hand from his face, “Any hope for Eddie would be strong enough to make this all go away.”

Maybe Maddie is right. 

---

No one likes two-a.m. calls, especially when they are accompanied by cries and nonsensical babbling. Evan couldn’t get anything out of Eddie's call, but he knew it couldn’t be good, considering the blood-curtailing cry being let out. So the worst pops into Evan’s mind, and he breaks several traffic laws as he drives over to his best friend's house. 

He lets himself in and rushes to the light coming from the kitchen. He finds Eddie sitting there with a bottle of bourbon.  His head is rested in his arms  and   does  his best to offer a wave.  He fucking waves, and Evan is pissed. He called at two a.m. because he was drunk.

Evan stands over the drunk body that is Eddie. The man looks like shit. He looks like he’s been through a bender. This can’t be good. 

He takes a seat at the table. “Eddie, what happened?” The man groans and gestures all around, “Is it Chris, Marisol? What is it?”

Eddie rubs his eyes, and he slurs a little. “Chris is fine.”

“What is it? What happened?” Eddie scrubs a hand over his face and continues to gesture like that explains anything, “Did something happen to Marisol?”

He sits up and slumps back in his chair, “I don’t know if I can marry her.”

So this is what it is all about. The phone call makes so much more sense now. Eddie was rambling about making mistakes and unsure what he was doing with his life. It also makes sense now that he knows Eddie has broken out the hard liquor to go through whatever crisis he’s experiencing  right now . 

“Eddie, what are you talking about?”

“I love her.” He sobs, “but I…” He slams his fist on the table, “I don’t…” He does it again.

Evan places a hand over Eddies. He squeezes the man’s hand and says, “You’re going to wake Chris.”

“Buck, what am I doing.” He groans, “I can’t do this.”

“Eddie, you love her.”

“I can’t.”

He squeezes Eddie’s hands again, “Yes, you can. You love her so much.”

“I just…”

“Eddie, you love Marisol.” Evan sighed, and as Eddie whispered what oddly sounded like Shannon, he continued, “I have never seen you happier than I have with Marisol.”

“Why can’t I stop loving her?” Eddie mumbles, “I can’t stop loving her.”

Evan lets go of his hands, “Who?”

“Shannon.” He whimpers, "Why can't I stop loving her?" He cries, "I want to stop loving her."

Shit, that’s something that Evan can’t answer for him. His relationship with Shannon was something else. She was his first love, the mother of his child, someone who was so important in his life, and then she was just gone. 

Buck sighs, “I can’t answer that for you.”

It takes a moment before Eddie finally says, “Why can’t I love you.”

Evan’s whole world stops around him. He is sucked back to the reality of what is before him. Eddie sits in front of him with bloodshot eyes, tears damp on red, puffy cheeks, and   snot running down his nose with a half-drunk bottle of bourbon next to him. Evan doesn’t want this. This isn’t what he wants. 

Eddie scrubs at his face, “It would be so easy to love you.” He laughs lightly, “Your pretty hair with your pretty face. It would be so..so..easy.”

These words can’t be for Evan. They have to be for Marisol. They are for Marisol. It’s what Evan is repeating in his head as Eddie continues to speak about someone so beautiful—someone with kind eyes, nice smiles, and pretty hair. It has to be about Marisol; it just has to be.

Eddie reaches across the table for Evan, “I want to love you.”

Buck gets up from the table. He stares down at the man, “Eddie, you don’t love me like that.”

“I want to try.”

“No, you don’t. You love Marisol.” Evan tries to push past the pain building in his chest. “I need you to love Marisol.” Tears begin to well in his eyes. "Eddie, I need you to love Marisol.”

Eddie doesn’t say a word; he lays his head down on the table. He shuts his eyes and begins to whimper Shannon over and over again. What friend would Evan be if he just left him there? So Evan does his best to get Eddie’s body against his and drags him to his bedroom. 

His best friend is warm against him. It’s an unbearable heat he can feel radiating off of him. He smells of alcohol and sweat. It’s a disgusting mix that Evan can’t wait to let go of. 

He doesn’t know why he’s surprised to see the bedroom empty. Of course, Eddie wouldn’t be sobbing about not wanting to marry Marisol with her in the house. That would be a recipe for disaster and probably some nonrefundable deposits they put down. 

Evan managed to get Eddie into bed.  He  grabs  a glass of water from the kitchen, a bottle of ibuprofen, and a trashcan and  places  them beside the bed. He  knows Eddie is  going to need them in the morning. Before heading out the house, Buck  check  on Christopher , the  boy  is  fast asleep. The boy  is  safe and that’s enough to let him leave the house without worry.  

He drives down the street and can’t stop replaying those words in his head, ‘I want to try.’ Logically, he knows those words were not meant for him, but for a second, he wonders if they were. He wonders if Eddie would actually want to try to love him. For as long as Evan said he wanted that reality, he doesn’t hope it’s true. 

He doesn’t want Eddie to try to love him. He doesn’t want anyone who has to try to love him. All he ever wanted was for someone to love him without having to try, and he found it. He found it and ruined it. 

Tommy loved him without trying, and what a beautiful thing it was. He was so good to Evan and everything he’s ever wanted. He’s all Evan wants right now. 

He doesn’t want to end up like Eddie, crying about someone years after their moment passed. He doesn’t want it to be a month before his wedding, and he’s still holding onto Tommy. A month before his wedding, he wants to be thinking about Tommy, dreaming of the life they are going to have together. 

Fuck. 

Evan really fucked up. 

He pulls off the road into an empty parking lot. He pulls his car into a spot under a flicker light post and rests his head against the steering wheel. It’s three in the morning, and Evan has finally realized something he should have known years ago. Eddie will never be his forever love; he will always be a passing moment in the rest of Evan’s life.

We are all allowed a first love and even a second, but sometimes  no  matter how strong those feelings  were  they will never compare to a forever type of love.  Evan will always love Eddie and be there for him, but he would crawl through every circle of hell to find a way back home to Tommy. He would fight a million wars until he was just short of bone for one more second with the man. He would move heaven and Earth for Tommy; he would do a million things if that meant man could find it in himself to take him back, to love him back.

It’s stupid. Probably not the best idea to call his ex at three in the morning after it was made very clear that he didn’t want to talk to Evan. It’s just Evan needed to let him. 

'Tommy, I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I was so shitty, and you continued to stay by me. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I want you to know that I love you. I love every piece of you; mind, body, and soul. 

You are my other half, my best friend, my thoughts when I wake and when I sleep. From the moment I met you, you consumed me. You made me realize that it was okay the be me and love without fear. Tommy I don’t expect for you to forgive me and I know this is unfair and selfish, but I need you to know. 

Remember when you asked me who I think I’d be in a different lifetime? I told you I have already lived enough lives, so why would I want to be anything else? You laughed, and I eventually said a kindergarten teacher; you laughed again and said I’d be a great teacher. What I didn’t tell you is that it didn’t matter to me, because I’d love you in every lifetime; past, present, and future. I mean it, baby; I will love you in every lifetime.

I love you, Tommy, forever and always.' 

Chapter Text

Buck didn’t even bother to let Maddie know he was coming over. He had to tell someone about the craziness that was his last week. His head has been spinning, and he can’t exactly tell anyone at work about this. So he has his sister; he knows she won’t judge him or at least not any worse than usual. 

So he sits in her living room, waiting for the right time to bring it up. They had lunch after he surprised her by showing up at her door. Buck has made small talk, asking about work and his niece—the usual stuff—and he can’t hold it in anymore. 

Buck blurts out, “Eddie said he loved me.”

“Of course he…” Maddie blinks a few times, “Wait, like he loves you, like romantically?”

Evan shakes his head and turns his gaze away from her, “I’m pretty sure he thought I was Marisol.” He looks up at the popcorn ceiling, “Hell, I could have even been Shannon.”

“What?” She sounds genuinely confused, “Shannon.”

“He was drunk and said he wanted to love me.” 

“That is a lot to unpack.” She crossed her leg over the other. He'd seen therapists do this many times before. He knows she's about to dig in on this drama, “So, is the wedding off.”

Evan laughs, “No, Maddie.” He twists his fingers together, “I don’t want him to love me anymore. I told him he needed to love Marisol.”

“Okay.” She takes a deep breath, “Well, what did he say?”

“He didn’t say anything.” He shrugs, “I put him to bed, and we haven’t talked about it. It’s been a week, and he won’t talk to me.”

“So, Eddie told you he wanted to love you a week ago, and you are just telling me now.”

Buck sighs, “Other than that, there really isn’t anything to tell. Eddie was drunk, and I was just there.” He looks to his sister, “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even remember.”

“And you haven’t talked to him about it?”

“No.” He says, “I’m not even sure I want to ask him about it.”

Maddie takes a moment before she says, “Do you not want to ask because it would hurt too much if he said he didn’t mean it or because if he did mean it, you wouldn’t be able to say it back.”

He's not really sure what to even say to that, so he tells her honestly, “I wasted so much time on him because of what.” He shuts his eyes, “Because he was safe, because he was my best friend, because I knew he could never love me back and that was better than getting my heart broken again and again.”

“Brother…”

Evan cuts her off, “No, I let go of the best relationship I have ever had for someone who probably confused me for his dead wife.” His sister whispers something that sounds oddly like his given name, “Even if Eddie did love me like that, I don’t think I could love him like I thought I could. I would be sixty-five and still have Tommy on my mind.”

“Tommy,” she says his name as if it is something careful. Like if she says it too loudly it will break in her month. Like it would break Evan. 

“He came into my life so unexpectedly,” he laughs a little to himself, “and I was so stupid to think he was just someone who could come and go. I thought he would just be a moment, one passing through until I got to where I was going, but he wasn’t. It’s Tommy, it will always be Tommy.”

“What are you going to do?” She asks.

He looks away from Maddie, “I don’t know, Tommy won’t talk to me.”

“Maybe you should try to talk to Eddie first.”

“Maybe,” he whispers, “Maybe.

She placed a hand over his. This was what he needed. He needed his big sister to talk this through with. No one else gets him quite like she does. 

---

They still haven't talked about it, and that might be the worst part of it all. Buck thought he might get a thank you for the bedside ibuprofen or locking up on his way out, but nope, Eddie still can’t look him in the eye. His best friend only offers him a hello, goodbye, and the necessary conversations for work. Nothing more, nothing less. It's been two weeks.

Buck always figured he’d feel this unbearable heartache when Eddie finally shut him out. He thought he’d feel this hollowness in his soul that longed to be filled by the man. He thought he’d morn every waking moment because Eddie no longer looked to him when in need. He has had nightmares of this happening; they would cause him to wake with labored breaths and sweat covering his body. Buck thought the light in his life would vanish, but it didn’t. The birds still chirp, the sun still shines, and Evan, well, Evan is pissed. 

He has no explanation for that night. Buck doesn’t know what to make of it because Eddie won’t talk to him. He won’t look at him. He won’t be in a room alone with him. Buck doesn’t understand why. 

He’s tried to talk to Eddie, but it’s been a lost cause. He thought after a week of this dance, his best friend would at least pretend everything was normal, but nope. Two weeks in, Eddie still avoids him, and Buck lets it be. 

He is tired of being the one who always tries. If Eddie wants to fix things, then he will have to be the one who tries. Buck respects himself enough now that he won’t be waiting on hand and foot for a man who can’t explain himself; won't explain himself.

If this had happened a year ago, maybe Evan would have tried a little harder. Maybe he would have cornered Eddie and begged him to talk about what happened because if this had happened a year ago, this would have been all the hope that he needed. He would have believed that maybe Eddie would actually love him back, but this time, Evan knows better. Eddie is a broken man who will never love him back. 

It’s okay; Evan is fine with that. He doesn’t need Eddie’s romantic love. He doesn’t need to hold onto something that was never really obtainable anyway. He had someone who loved him so unconditionally, and he took advantage of that, all for what? Eddie to call him piss drunk at two in the morning to cry about his dead wife. 

A piece of him will always love Eddie, just like everyone else who has come and gone. He will hold him in his heart until he takes his last breath, but he will never hold on to that love he thought he had. If Eddie wants to talk about what happened that night, they can talk. If he still wants to be friends, they will be friends. He still loves Eddie enough that he could see them growing old together, but this time, it’s on Eddie. He won’t go cashing after a fire that doesn’t want to be put out. 

So Buck lets it go. He does his job, practices his best man speech, and smiles when Eddie looks his way. It’s all he can do because he can’t help the man that doesn’t want his help. 

---

Buck hurts, his entire body aches and he did it to himself. He knew better than to put himself in that position, but it had to be him. He couldn’t let anyone else do. Everyone has so much to live for, and he couldn’t let something happen to them. He had escaped death before what was one time more. 

His head hurts, his shoulder is throbbing in pain, and he can still faintly smell smoke. Buck isn’t sure if it is him or if it is a reminder of the evening before. The doctors gave him the okay to go home early in the morning, so he'd been camped out on his couch for several hours at this point. He would stay here for the rest of the afternoon if it wasn't for the continuous knocking on his door. 

A part of Buck kind of wishes he could ignore the knock at the door. He could pretend that he’s not home, but there are several more knocks to follow the first. So he pulls himself off the couch and heads for the door. He grits his teeth as his knee pain shoots through his body. 

Opening the door, Evan is greeted by a kind smile. A kind smile that he hasn’t seen in weeks. One that he’s been dreaming about since he fucked up and Tommy walked out of his life. 

“Hi,” Tommy says softly. 

“Hi," Buck whispers back.

If Evan had been checked out at the hospital, he would have thought he was dead at this moment. It’s just Tommy is the last person he thought he’d see right now. Chimney told him he’d have someone come check on him since everyone else had a shift to finish, but this wasn’t what he expected. Hell, if it wasn't Chim, then maybe he really died and went to Heaven because that would be the only reason he’s seeing Tommy right now. It would make a lot of sense; Tommy has always been an angel. 

It is as if the universe knows when he’s been beaten down because his knee decided to buckle at this moment. He tries to catch his fall on the door frame, but the universe apparently has another plan. He’s being held in strong arms. Tommy is holding him against him. 

The man doesn’t even say a word. He helps Evan regain his balance and walks him to the couch. In every step, he can feel the soft fabric of the well-worn Henley that Tommy always seems to wear. The fabric is almost too soft, just as soft as the hands that gently help him onto the couch. Tommy has always been careful with him. 

He looks up at his ex and asks, “What are you doing here?”

“Chim texted me. He said you could probably use a friend.”

Of course, Chimney texted him. It was probably Maddie’s doing. He doesn’t know if he should curse her or thank her. Maybe a little bit of both. 

He shakes his head, and fuck does that hurt, “You didn’t have to come all the way over here.”

Tommy takes a seat next to him. He tucks one leg under himself as he faces Evan. Something about the way Tommy looks at him has always killed Buck. His eyes are so soft and warm; they are a window into his soul. They are so good, almost too good for Evan. 

“Chimney told me what happened.” Oh great, “Evan, why would you put yourself in harm's way like that.”

Evan had returned to a burning building even when he knew he shouldn’t have. Everyone told him not to, but there were still people in there. He also knew he couldn’t let anyone else go back in; it had to be him. Evan would rather die trying than not trying at all. 

“You know me,” He tries to joke, “always fighting death.”

Tommy gives him a pointed look, “That’s not funny.”

Evan looks away from Tommy, “Why do you even care? I thought you hated me.”

A gentle touch finds Evan’s chin. Tommy turns his face to look at him, “Evan, I could never hate you.” Evan bites back the ‘why haven’t you talked to me then’ remark and lets Tommy continue, “I was upset with you, pissed off even, but I could never hate you.”

“You should hate me.” He pulls out of Tommy’s hold and misses it instantly, “I’m a terrible person. I was so horrible and shitty to you.” Out of his peripheral, he sees Tommy nods slightly, “You were there for me when you didn’t have to be, and I took advantage of that. I ruined everything.”

Tommy doesn’t say anything. He hears the man take a deep breath before he stands. Tommy is going to leave because he knows Buck is right. He’s never been more right than right now. Evan was a giant asshole to a man who never stopped loving him. He was an asshole to the man that he will never stop loving.

He doesn’t leave, though. He stands in front of Buck. He grabs hold of his face, both palms warm on his cheeks. Evan is forced to look in those warm eyes, ones that are far too kind to be looking at him. It wrongs. All of this is so wrong. 

The hold on his face does not break as Tommy lowers himself to his knees, “Evan Buckley, there is not a bad bone in your body.”

It’s all too much. Tommy's hands on his face, his eyes, and how his name sounds in the man’s mouth. Maybe that’s why he makes the stupid joke, “Not sure about that. My knees are kind of shot.”

Tommy smiles lightly at that, “Oh, Evan.” He says before kissing his forehead lightly, “You are too good to be this hard on yourself.”

Evan takes the hands on his face and pulls them away to hold them in his. Tommy continues to smile at him as if everything here is okay. Everything is the furthest from okay. Tommy can’t just kiss his forehead and speak kind words to him. 

“Why are you really here?” Evan asks. 

“I knew we needed to talk.” Tommy sighs, “I’ve been trying to find a way to approach this, but I couldn’t find the right time or even the right things to say.”

“And right now felt like the right time.”

Tommy shakes his head, “I would have preferred being here under different circumstances, but when Howie told me that you’d been trapped and were hurt, I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t stop thinking about the what ifs.”

“The what ifs?”

“Evan, I know the kind of work we both face every time we clock in, but hearing about it from someone else felt like I was getting a knock at the door with a regret to inform.” Oh, Evan understands. "I couldn’t take Howie being the one who reached out to me. I wish it had come from you.”

“I’ve tried talking to you…”

Tommy cuts him off, “I know you have, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, I’m the asshole.”

“Evan, you are not an asshole.”

He shakes his head, “I kind of am. I said I loved you and then called you Eddie. That was so fucked up and wrong and the worst mistake of my life.”

Tommy oddly smiles at that, “The worst mistake of your life, huh?” 

“Thomas.” Buck smiles at the look Tommy gives him, “I meant it when I said I loved you. I don’t want you to be Eddie; I never will. You have my heart. You always will.”

Tommy smiles even wider, “You have mine.”

“Even after everything.” He leans his forehead against Tommy’s, “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Tommy whispers, “You have me, mind, body, and soul. You have all of me; you always will.”

Buck can’t believe Tommy would still want him after everything he did to the man. He was so shitty and horrible, but he will make this right. He will do anything to make this right. 

Evan still asks, “Really?”

“Of course, sweetheart.” Tommy smiles, “It has always been you. In every lifetime.”

Evan leans forward and presses his lip against Tommy’s. They are warm and slightly chapped, as they always have been. Tommy is, as he always has been, the perfect half for the rest of his life. 

---

Evan’s head rests against Tommy’s shoulder. The lights of the event hall are dimmed as Eddie and Marisol take their first dance together. They sway to a sappy love song, and it’s nice. They fit together like they were meant to be. Eddie looks happy and radiant with joy as he holds Marisol in his arms. 

This was a scene he had always imagined sharing with Eddie. He dreamed they would slow dance in a room filled with loved ones after exchanging lifelong vows, but instead of a ping of heartache and regret, Evan felt oddly free. Beside him, Tommy squeezes his hand. He turns to the man to see his eyes are as happy as Evan feels. 

Tommy was someone who arrived so unexpectedly in his life. He filled holes left by former lovers in ways he never knew he needed. He was so good and whole and someone Evan didn’t believe he ever deserved, but here he is. He is sitting with the love of his life as he watches Eddie fall into beautiful matrimony. 

They still haven’t talked about what Eddie had said, but that’s okay. Evan doesn’t think they ever will, and he’s come to terms with it. Not everything in life will be wrapped up into a neat little bow. Things go left unsaid all the time, and sometimes, that is for the best. If it means Evan is still able to keep his best friend, then so be it. He will let those words go unspoken for as long as he lives. 

He looks to Tommy once again and smiles softly at him. This is where Evan is meant to be. He knows no one will ever make him feel as loved as Tommy will. The man is his other half, and there is no denying that. He is his always and forever. 

Evan echoed the words of always and forever during his best man speech. He spoke of how he came into Eddie’s life. He knew the man was searching for someone to call home and how he couldn’t be happier. He found it in Marisol. The speech was short, but the audience had few dry eyes by the end of it. Once done, he hugged Eddie and silently wished him the happiest marriage before sitting at the head table. 

The rest of the speeches went smoothly after that. A few toasts were given before Marisol and Eddie took to the dance floor. The practices that Eddie hated clearly paid off because the couple moved together with ease. They fit perfectly together.

The dance ended, and Eddie and Marisol welcomed everyone to the floor to join them. Neither Buck nor Tommy rush to join those making their way to the dance floor. Evan sits in the warm comfort of Tommy’s body. He likes it like this. It feels so right. 

Tommy leans into him a little, lightly kissing the top of his head. Evan sighs in contentment. He wouldn't believe if anyone told him a year ago, he’d be this happy at Eddie’s wedding. He would have thought they were crazy, but here he is. Evan is with the love of his life.

The music fills the room, and guests laugh and applaud as people take to the dance floor. This oddly feels like closure. Once married to ideas of what could have been, his heart now finds itself proud of the scene before him. Eddie is happy with someone who isn’t him, and this is a blessing in itself.

Tommy's hand brushes his cheek as another slow song begins to play, “Could I have this dance, Evan Buckley?”

Evan smiles at him, “Yes.”

Tommy gets up and holds his hand out for Evan. He takes it without a second thought. He would follow wherever Tommy was to lead.