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Rainbow Dash laid on her loveseat by her bedroom window. It was dark. Way past midnight, way past the time she should've been in bed. Yet the open window cast a breeze on her face that cooled the tear streaks on her cheeks, and she felt no need to move.
She watched the adolescent leaves on the trees wave with the breeze, a dance that only the wind knew. Like a tune was playing only nature could hear. She tried to focus on the sound of swaying leaves brushing against one another, yet it was drowned out by her other worries.
A single leaf fell onto the pavement below, blowing off the branch and landing softly on the driveway. It laid, silently, slightly curved upward on the edges from the dry air, as if it was caving in on itself. It rolled a few paces after another light breeze passed by, tumbling over itself, unable to stop.
Her eyes glossed over again, watching the small leaf fall from its mother tree before it should have. It struck her harder than she thought it would, convincing herself that maybe she was just a small leaf that had parted from the branch too soon.
The wind continued to blow on her face. Pieces of her tousled hair glided into her vision and stuck to her eyelashes, but she made no effort to brush them away. Too much of a hassle to deal with right now.
A sickening feeling churned in her stomach. Her face was flushed from crying, but now she was left with a stuffy nose and puffy complexion. Her body was sunk into the couch, giving all her weight to the cushions that she couldn't hold.
She wasn't really even sure what started the tears. Nothing had happened, no arguments, no problems, not even many worries. She had a week of school left, two weeks 'til graduation, then it was finally summer. Yet she didn't feel the usual excitement she felt this time of year.
Something was stopping her. The thought of summer break should be relieving, yet she felt anxious. The thought of moving to college should be exciting, yet she was filled with dread. The thought of seeing Applejack again should be a good one, not filled with sickness.
Wait, what was that last part? Why does she feel sick when she thinks of Applejack? We'll let her tell the story…
She wiped her sleeve under her eye before she turned to the window again, leaning her cheek on her knee. Her body felt like it was being pulled to the earth. Like there was a weight on her shoulders that couldn't be lifted. Or maybe it was a weight on her heart.
Yeah, that’s it. Like someone had yanked the arteries out of her chest and stomped on them, like someone had torn her limb from limb and painted the sidewalk with her blood.
Okay, now we’re being a little dramatic. But in her mind, it seemed just that way.
Thoughts of the summer breeze and warm sunlight filled her mind. The smell of grass after it rained, pollen and hay, dark corners of a barn. Muddy converse, skinned knees, sticky fingers after popsicles. Bellowing laughter, cicadas chirping, rocks skipping across the pond. Boots clacking on concrete, feet pounding on pavement, bike wheels skidding on gravel.
Summer laid heavy on her mind. Last year, those were all the things summer break had been filled with. All those warm nights spent wandering Sweet Apple Acres, with only one person by her side. Late nights in the dusty barn. Running through the fields and tripping over tree roots. Watching the sun set as the campfire crackled. It had been perfect, every single day another one to look forward to, yet she now realized it wasn’t even about the things she had just listed. It was about the person she had been with.
Worn boots covered in hay. Blue jeans with tattered cuffs. Brown flannels with holes in the sleeves. A stetson with bent edges. It was all too familiar. The exact outfit she wore almost daily, every time she invited herself over to “help on the farm”, yet now she knew her real intentions. Why she had sworn that she was just bored and needed something to do. Why she had done even the most exhausting of chores just to be beside her. Why she had felt this warm feeling every time she sat close to her.
And now as she stared out the open window, watching the leaves wave with the breeze the same way they always did, summer felt just a little too far away. Like there’d never be another quite like the previous one.
And who was she to ask for more, more, more?
Goosebumps formed on her skin as the wind picked up, now blowing her hair backward away from her face. Her eyes slightly narrowed as they started to water again, yet she pretended like it was just from the breeze.
How come this summer couldn’t be like the last? It was merely weeks until she could spend every waking moment with the one and only farm girl, begging her to drop her chores for just a moment so they could go on an ice cream run, and when she inevitably said she had too many chores to do, she would settle for helping with carrying the haystacks. Because anything was better than leaving her. Any moment spent with her was better than without, no matter how hard the task.
So why couldn’t they do that again? Because now, she knows one fact she was blind to last year. Something that formed over time, an aching feeling, longing, yearning, wanting, needing something that she couldn’t have. Some one she was afraid to have.
It would be impossible. How could she admit her feelings for her best friend. After all this time. After years of friendship, after months of unmistakable pining, after dozens of longing stares and hopeful glances, lasting touches, tear-filled conversations, blushing and smiling and giggling and this warm exciting feeling that seemed to only happen when she was with her-
Yeah that wasn’t in the books. That was a chapter unable to be read. The last page of a book with no writing, just to fill the space. A piece of paper that wasn’t allowed to have ink spilled on the page.
She couldn’t. They can’t. It wouldn’t work. After all this time…?
She’s the final words of an essay, the last piece of gum in a pack, the one percent on her phone battery, the heartbreaking cliffhanger at the end of a movie, the cloud in front of a solar eclipse, the gun in her lips that will blow her brains out.
The worst part was, it had taken her years to come to this realization. Realizing that it wasn’t normal to be pained when she left her side. It wasn’t normal to wish to spend every moment with her. It wasn’t normal to grow upset when she hung out with someone else instead. It wasn’t normal to miss her as much as she did, even when they were only apart for a day, it wasn’t normal to get all warm and tingly when they brushed against each other, it wasn’t normal to go out of her way to make her laugh and say things just to see her reaction, it wasn’t normal to stare at the screen awaiting her reply, it wasn’t normal to hug her for multiple minutes, it wasn’t normal to cuddle at sleepovers, it wasn’t normal to want her.
The first time she fully came to this realization was the first time Applejack had seemed… disgusted. The first time she sat too close and the first time she said something a little too forward and the first time her blush was actually visible. It all hit her like a train that night, every memory flooding into her mind, realizing that she had in fact wanted to kiss her and that it wasn’t just a friendly thing. Realizing that she had seen their hangouts as dates and their late night conversations as flirting and their lasting glances as something much more.
Even though she already went over the worst part, what the worst part really was, was the fact that she had no idea if it was mutual. What if she was just playing along? Or what if she hadn’t come to the realization yet herself? What if she had no idea either?
Her mind twisted around her overlapping thoughts that all clashed with one another. It was driving her over the edge and she was just now starting to see how it might just be too late.
And now, she realizes why this summer can’t be like the last. Every time she’s with her, it’s like ripping off a bandaid on an open wound. Poking at a bruise that already exists. Punching a hole in the wall that’s already there. Every moment spent with her just leaves her wanting more, every lasting touch is never long enough, every time they spend hours together and then depart it’s like it never even happened because she just wants more.
She can’t look at her without getting dizzy. She can’t talk to her without her heart rate shooting through the roof. She can’t sit within feet of her because her leg gets all bouncy and her hands get all clammy and she starts to chew on her lip and it’s all just a goddamn crush!!!
But there’s absolutely nothing she can do?
She can’t confess. It’s not mutual. But what if it is? No don’t put that thought in her head! But what if it could be something? What if she could make her realize? But what if it backfires? What if their friends don’t like it? What will their parents say? What if it ends in flames and their friends never speak again because since they can’t be together then the entire friend group falls apart and then it would be so selfish and it’s all her fault it’s all her-
Her eyes landed on the small leaf that crumpled on the ground. It hadn’t moved since the last breeze. It looked so fragile. One step from a boot and it was crushed to pieces.
The other leaves on the tree seemed like they were taunting it. Laughing, wondering why it had fallen so early, even though autumn was months away, even though it had so much time left, even though there were so many reasons it should’ve stayed but it just couldn’t hold on any longer.
Rainbow tore her gaze away. Everything reminded her of her, and if she got a break for a moment, then everything reminded her of her love for her. God, this was disastrous. A disastrous crush on her best friend. How could she let this happen.
Her fucking smile. Her fucking hat and the cute ass jeans she wore. Her fucking blonde hair and the fucking braid she wore it in. Her fucking laugh and her fucking voice and her goddamn fucking accent. Anytime someone mentioned her, anytime she saw her, anytime she even thought of a fucking apple it was like starting from scratch.
Rainbow wants her to feel the same. Go the extra mile like she does for her. When she mentions something she likes at a restaurant, she wants her to remember and order it for her next time they go. When she suggests a song that she loves, she wants her to remember it and think of her the next time it comes on shuffle. She wants her to associate her with her favorite color. Her favorite movie character. Her favorite season, her favorite artist, even her favorite fucking ice cream flavor, cause god knows that Rainbow remembers. How could she forget?
She wants to make her drive all night, just because she said maybe she should come over.
Want to make her fall in love, as hard as Rainbow’s poor parents’ teenage daughter. She’ll be the best she ever had if she’d let her.
And before you ask, oh she’s tried to get over it. Tried to distance. That just led to an argument because she couldn’t tell her why. Tried to ignore her texts. That just led to an argument because she couldn’t give her a reason as to why. Tried to only hang out with others and never alone. That just led to an argument because she couldn't give an explanation why.
She slowly realized that no matter what she did, it would always lead back to the girl with the stetson and the fact that she loved her in a way that wasn't simply friendship. Every time they said I love you, in a friend way of course, which was rare but would slip out sometimes late at night, Rainbow had to force a new subject immediately because she couldn't focus on the fact that she had said the words she really wanted to hear. Or maybe it was because she was hearing the words she wanted to hear but in a different context that was far from what she really wanted.
And if Rainbow were to ever tell her, break down and confess like every movie she’s ever seen, if she were to reject her…
Or even worse, tell her she feels the same. Why doesn’t she want to hear that? Because then it’s real. Then they have something more and that something is something they’re not quite ready for. Something that can’t work.
So no, telling her isn’t an option.
But what if Applejack were to ask her to wait? Wait for her to be ready? Wait for both of them to be ready?
Oh, Rainbow’s been waiting a long time already and she’d wait ‘til the end of her days. No one has made her feel this way before, no one has left her overthinking her own feelings to the point of fucking psychosis, no one has made her feel so fucking warm and gooey and mushy the way that fucking girl does. She hates herself for admitting to being a sap but she knows it’s fucking true.
If she were a teacher, Rainbow would fail her class. Take it over and over, ‘til she notices…
If she were a red light, Rainbow would throw the gear shift into park and patiently watch the cars go by. She would tap the steering wheel and lean back in her seat, never calculating the length of the light and never wishing for it to turn green.
If she were a clock, Rainbow would never count the seconds going by. She’d distract herself, fill her schedule with things to do and people to see, never glancing to see if the time had passed, because it didn’t matter how long it had been or how fast the time would go by. It only mattered that it was ticking.
If she were a TV show, Rainbow would watch each episode with full attention. Write down every detail, gasp at the plot twists and laugh at the jokes. She’d never skip the intro, never skim over the credits, and take her time watching episodes in increments in order to get every ounce of entertainment.
If she were a waiting room, she’d never see a doctor. She would sit there with her first aid kid and bleed.
And she can wish all that she wants, but it won’t bring them together.
Everyone knows wishing on a shooting star is a myth. A fairytale dream told in movies, a sign associated with pure luck. It’s not real. It doesn’t work. Why would a star give her what she wants? There’s billions of people in the world and probably hundreds of them wishing on the same star. Why would the star pick her?
These questions filled her mind as she looked up at the night sky, a few twinkling stars shining brightly in the clear night. Not a cloud to be seen, not a shadow on the ground.
And even though she hated the stupid stars and the stupid wishes and the stupid fairytale myths that don’t exist, she closed her eyes and sent her wish to the star in the center of the sky.
She sighed a moment later. Disappointed in herself. She shook her head, almost amused. How does she still have hope after all these months of wishing she didn’t have these feelings? After all the times she cried, so heartbroken over this love for her best friend that it made everything seem so unfair?
She tried to make her mind wander to the other things in her life she needed to focus on right now. Final exams, prom, assignments, graduation, last day of school… yet that goddamn stetson wouldn’t leave her clouded head. She was ingrained into her mind, sewn into her skull, attached like a fucking blood sucking leech that pulled every ounce of faith out of her.
More than anything, more than even wanting her feelings to be mutual, she just wanted them to go away. Life was so much easier before she realized she was in love. She used to be so relaxed around her, now she was so stiff and jumpy. She used to let any words fly out of her mouth and didn’t care about any reaction, now she thought over every word she said. She used to never even notice the times their arms brushed against the other or when their knees touched when they sat together, now those moments play over in her mind like a broken record.
Having a crush can be fun, but at this rate, it was going to kill her eventually, because she was sure she’d have a heart attack before she actually got the guts to confess.
She didn’t realize she had zoned out, until the sound of tires on gravel sent her eyes shooting over to the end of her driveway.
A familiar red truck pulled up, rubber wheels slightly squeaking on the pavement as they turned, yellow headlights shining on the side of her house.
Rainbow’s heart jumped out of her chest. It was nearly two in the morning and the last person she wanted to see had decided to show up without warning.
Her eyes shot up to the star in the sky. It twinkled just as she focused her vision, as if it was winking. A mix of adrenaline and anxiety shot through her veins, her parted lips turning upward as her eyes widened in surprise. She nearly flew up off the loveseat, not bothering to close the window or even make sure that it really was the person she was thinking.
Her feet padded on the hardwood floor as she cleared the area across her room in just a few strides, throwing open her bedroom door and stumbling down the wooden stairs, not even thinking for a moment about being quiet in the night. She nearly tripped over her own two feet, one of her hands grabbing the railing in a moment of panic, yet not pausing for even a second as she landed at the bottom of the staircase and raced for the front door.
She took a glance out the front window before she reached the door. Her eyes landed on the truck, yellow headlights now off and the driver’s door open, a shadow of a figure getting out of the car.
She swore she could hear her blood pumping viciously. She stood by the door, hiding in the shadow of the china cabinet in her living room, realizing that waiting for her to knock was insane.
It started to hit her that it was the middle of the night, and it would be even crazier if Applejack were to actually knock, so instead she unlocked the latch and twisted the doorknob, pulling open the door faster than she intended.
As soon as the door was pulled open, silence fell. Her eyes met those green ones she had gotten used to looking away from.
Applejack stood a few steps back from the door, phone in hand, finger hovering over Rainbow’s contact. Her head had shot up in surprise, lips parted and pupils dilated.
The moon was directly behind her above her head, casting a shadow over her face, yet Rainbow could still pick out each and every freckle that was scattered across her skin. Her hair was messy, her hat missing, her flannel was wrinkled and her boots were muddy, yet when were they not. She looked fucking adorable and Rainbow had to swallow her pride.
She slowly stepped outside, shutting the door behind her. Applejack stepped back when she did, creating a few feet of space between them, standing on the porch with no cover in the moonlight, staring at each other like one of them had just risen from the dead.
Applejack’s finger was still hovering over her contact. She finally moved it, slowly, lowering her phone and turning it off, tucking it into her back pocket. Her eyes trailed over the girl in front of her, eyes wide like she had shown up at the wrong house.
Rainbow tried to act chill, like she wasn’t absolutely freaking out over her star wish. She tried to keep her voice level. “The fuck are you doing?”
“I had to talk to you,”
“At two in the morning?”
“But y’answered the door before I even knocked,”
“Because- ‘cause I heard your loud ass truck pull in my damn driveway!”
Applejack narrowed her eyes and tipped her chin down. Yet there was amusement behind her gaze. “Either way.”
Rainbow shot up an eyebrow. “What’s so important that it couldn’t wait-” she paused, checking her wrist sarcastically as if there was a watch there, “five hours when we have school?”
Applejack scoffed at her gesture, eyes still scanning her. Rainbow crossed her arms and kept staring, wondering why she was putting up this angry facade when she had been the once to fly down the stairs at the first sight of her truck. She tried to ignore her racing heart.
After a moment of collecting herself, Applejack seemed to drop the joking banter, her arms going limp as she broke the eye contact.
She started chewing on her lip, looking at the ground as if she was finding her words. Rainbow’s hands started to shake, but she held her arms close to her chest and desperately tried to look nonchalant.
“Then get on with it, ‘cause I’m tired,” Rainbow spoke, trying to roll her eyes to cover up her shortness of breath.
Applejack frowned at her, deadpanning. Then she started looking nervous.
Her hand rubbed the back of her neck nervously. “Uh… I think, we need to talk,” she murmured, almost tripping over the few words.
Rainbow wanted to shoot herself. Even though she didn’t want to get her own hopes up, her mind immediately jumped to the most obvious conclusion, and her heart rate picked up even faster. Her eyes were wide, and in the moonlight pooling on her face, she was sure Applejack could see the blush that had consumed the majority of her cheeks.
Applejack looked at her again, nervously, yet her expression grew concerned. “Wait, were- were you cryin’?” she asked, dropping the subject and taking a step forward, noticing the dried tear streaks paired with her puffy and bloodshot eyes.
Rainbow stared as she felt her study her face. She was closer now, and her freckles were even more clear than before, her green eyes searching her skin. She was frozen.
“N-No, I wasn’t- I wasn’t crying,” she stuttered, immediately wiping under one of her eyes. She reached out and pushed Applejack lightly by the shoulder in an effort to move her away. Applejack took a step back, then stepped forward again, tilting her head to the side in concern.
“Are you alright, sugarcube?” she asked, and Rainbow felt her fucking lungs collapse at that nickname, a sigh escaping her throat as the breath was knocked from her. It hit her like a bus, and her knees immediately weakened as she realized she really couldn’t handle this anymore.
She shifted her weight anxiously. “Look, I’ll tell you what it is if you say what you were gonna tell me first,” she suggested, trying to avoid her gaze.
Applejack’s expression rapidly grew frightened, but she nodded. Rainbow was surprised to see her agree so fast, as she was usually quite stubborn.
Her palms grew extremely sweaty as she awaited her words. She didn’t know if Applejack was about to explain that her granny had died or that she was moving across the country, or if she really was about to confess the thing that Rainbow had been fucking worrying herself to death over all night. She hoped it was the latter, for multiple obvious reasons, yet now she was terrified of it coming true.
There was some sort of bubble in her throat as she held her breath. Applejack parted her lips to speak.
Her green eyes were glued to the pavement. “Rainbow, I, uh… have a lot of things to say, and, a lot of things we need to talk about, but there’s no way I’m the only one who feels this way… so… I think it would be easier if I just…”
“…can I kiss you?”
Rainbow swore the space time continuum just ripped a hole right in front of her because she was basically swept off her feet. She bit the inside of her cheek, so many words and thoughts piling up in her throat and her mind that she seriously thought she was going to explode. She suddenly felt dizzy, wanting to pinch herself in case this was a dream, yet realizing the anxiety was too real for her to be sleeping, and the longer she stared into her eyes, the more she realized this was actually fucking real, and the more-
“Dontcha fuckin’ pass out on me,” Applejack muttered as she watched her sway, her eyes locked on her face and her hands out in case she did fall, and Rainbow snapped out of her thoughts as she watched her stare, everything in her mind suddenly going quiet with just hearing her speak.
She swallowed dryly. “Are.. are you joking?” was all she could respond, her gaze burning a hole into her wide eyes.
Applejack tsked. “Serious as a heart attack.”
Well Rainbow was sure she was about to have one. There were at least ten seconds of complete silence. The only sound was the breeze still taunting her, and the only movement was the shadow of the leaves. Applejack was holding her breath and Rainbow was too. It was like she was trying to process it, yet wasn’t getting anywhere.
“Oh.. oh my g- you can’t actually like me back,” she started, pupils magnifying in serious panic, and she watched the small smile of relief grow on Applejack’s lips, and they stared at each other for a moment, accepting…
“Are you bein’ serious?” Applejack asked, a hopeful gleam shining in her eyes.
Rainbow felt her lips curve upward. “As a heart attack,” she chuckled, stepping closer. She paused. “It’s kinda always been you.”
Yet just as she got slightly closer to her and her freckles were clear again, her mind started racing just as fast as it did before.
She took a step back. “But we can’t… No we can’t, I mean, we’ve been friends for so long that it could fuck it all up… what if it-”
“It don’t matter!” Applejack cut in, her voice cracking. “I swear I’ve thought it over a bajillion times, we can make it wor-”
“What would our friends do, what if we ruin it? What if I ruin it? Are you sure I’m not dreaming? What if- what if-”
She started stuttering, tearing her gaze away just as blonde eyebrows started to furrow with concern, and her bundled up thoughts started spilling out with no control.
“I- we- oh fuck this is bad, I can’t believe you beat me to it, I’m so pissed at you,” Rainbow admitted, a slight chuckle filling her voice, and she heard an amused snort from Applejack but she refused to keep her gaze on her long enough to see her reaction. “But… AJ- I don’t know if we can be together because I’m so crazy for you that I’m losing my fucking mind and what if I screw it up and we never talk again, and what if it’s all my fault, and- and-” she put her hands on her scalp as if her head was falling off, “What if you’re lying to me and tricking me just because I was so obvious about it that now you think it’s funny and-”
Her eyes blew wide as a pair of lips collided with her own, her words cutting off and lingering in the air, and her eyes fluttered shut when her mind finally caught up with what was happening, feeling soft lips brush against her own, and once more everything went quiet.
Her heart was beating so fast she thought she was seriously going to have a heart attack this time, yet somehow she managed to move her hand up to the back of Applejack’s head and tuck a piece of blonde hair behind her ear, her fingers gently brushing her cheek in the process.
It was like two worlds colliding, the last piece of the puzzle, the doctor calling her name in the waiting room.
Her mind was suddenly muted. All her thoughts hushed, all her worries sedated, simple stillness and tasteful tranquility like it was just all meant to be.
Applejack’s hand landed on her arm and pulled her closer, chests touching now, deepening the kiss as their hearts raced in sync.
Maybe it wasn’t as impossible as she had made herself believe. Maybe she really was just a chronic overthinker, a deep-seated contemplator, a persistent self-saboteur. Maybe she needed to let things… work out the way they should.
And as the breeze picked up again, it didn’t feel like it was mocking her this time. It was just a breeze. A breeze that brushed her hair in front of her face, tickling her cheeks and causing a giggle to slip between Applejack’s lips, a sound that filled Rainbow’s body with euphoric excitement, something she didn’t realize could ever be a good feeling, instead of forcing herself to shove it away to the corners of her mind where she refused to acknowledge it. And maybe the breeze had taken some of her worries with it, whisking them down the driveway and over the pavement, floating them somewhere far away where she wouldn’t have to hear from them again.
When Applejack pulled away, her face was flushed and she was smiling, eyes squinted the way they always do. Rainbow was staring in a lovestruck daze, and Applejack just started chuckling, shaking her head, with an adoring gaze that just shone with fondness.
Yet Rainbow felt one last little worry slip through her lips.
“Applejack, I don’t know if this is a good idea…”
She placed her finger on Rainbow’s lips, cutting off her words one last time. Rainbow’s eyes widened, watching her so intently.
“Whatever happens…. know it’s for the better.”