Chapter Text
i feel like a piece of shit.
i feel guilty and i really hate it.
i dont normally feel guilty. sometimes when i do i get pissed of at myself because rationally, i know that i have no reason to even feel guilty so i shake it off. not this time. im feeling too guilty to feel angry at myself for feeling guilty. which sounds weird now that im saying it in my head.
...
i lost my phone.
in the dumbest way possible too. i was on the ride from school back home, i was reading stuff here (MLB angst) when i got tired and fell asleep, which i usually do. but usually im not a fucking dumbass. usually i actually bother to put my phone back in my bag because i know myself and i know ill prob lose it if i dont. but nooooooooo not today!! today i just had to drop my guard. today i just had to be just a tiny little bit too tired to care. and i hate that that's all that it took for me to drop it as i got out, not notice that i had and go back home.
then i got home and i fucking realized. i think that the shittiest thing about this is that i DID actually realize that i dropped something. i heard this light clanking sound when i got out so i stopped for a second to see if i dropped something. but i was disoriented as shit cuz i just woke up that minute from napping in the car and i DROPPED IT. I. FUCKING DROPPED IT. didnt give it a second thought until i got home. i really hate this because i always break my phones. ever since my first ever phone that was like a 3 times hand-me-down. kept dropping them until they got too mangled to use normally. in my whole life i think i had 3 completely new phones. prob 2 but imma give it another one cuz maybe i forgot. who knows. all the others were hand me downs. this one we actually put a decent amount of money in. the whole thing prob cost around 300 USD which is the most my parents evert had to pay for a phone for me. they got it for my 18th birthday on January and i fucking hate myself so fucking much for losing it because they spent so much money on it. because the one thing that they gave me without me asking, the one phone i actually managed to not even crack in the THREE MONTHS (THATS NOTHING???) that i had it i lost. in this stupid, stupid way and i just...
im just really annoyed over the whole thing..
but i guess writing this down kinda helps. this happened 4-5 hours ago and if im not distracting myself i start thinking about it and i just feel really guilty over the whole thing.
im not sure why or how or even how much but it kinda helps to let it out like this.. maybe ill write here more in the future. who knows.