Chapter Text
Darry doesn’t like Ponyboy. It’s never exactly been spoken out loud but Pony knows how to read between the lines and it’s clear, just as clear as the themes in Macbeth, that Darry despises his younger brother. Ponyboy didn’t want to care but he wanted Darry to be happy with him.
Maybe it would all be better if he’d been sent to a boys home because he was just a bother.
He didn’t have to think very hard about the reason that Darry would hate him, he was an added expense who only seemed to cause problems for the family. Darry was already struggling enough to bring in enough money and now he had to feed his younger brother, buy him clothes and school supplies.
Ponyboy was trying to be better, someone that Darry could be proud of. He ate less so that his brothers would have more food to eat, he spent most of his time alone so that he didn’t bore them with his presence. It would be easier if Johnny was still here but alas his actions had once again ruined a good thing.
—
He should be over it by now. It’s been three months since he lost Dally and Johnny and every day the pain becomes a little more unbearable, he misses sitting with Johnny at lunch and being with him at the lot. He misses the mischief that all three of them would do together, it isn’t fair, he misses it all.
Life keeps on going, he attends every class and studies until he falls asleep because it’s his only real way out of town and trying to wrap his head around completing the square is a better distraction than any of his other interests. Every book he reads has death, so does all the movies and somehow his drawings always turn into pictures of their faces.
Sleep doesn’t come very often anymore because everytime he shuts his eyes he’s brought back to the hospital room and if he does sleep the nightmares that he can’t remember come back. Only, the story in his dream must have changed because every night he’s waking up and screaming until his throat is raw until whatever happened in the nightmare manages to completely escape his mind.
“I think you need to go back to go back to the doctor.” Soda says to him once.
Pony is sitting up in bed with his entire upper body covered in sweat that makes him feel uncomfortable, his heart feels like it’s going to pump itself straight out of his chest and his eyes are watering. He panics even more at going back to the shrink, more money being wasted and then Darry probably will call him a burden to his face.
“No, I usually take aspirin before I sleep, it helps but I forgot tonight.” Ponyboy lied convincingly, he’d been downing aspirin like it was an illegal drug that he couldn’t get enough of, just that night he had taken four pills. “You should just go back to sleep.”
Somehow Ponyboy also falls back to sleep and when he wakes up the bed is empty, he rubs his eyes and slowly walks to the door when he hears his brothers muttering to each other.
(“These nightmares are happening almost every night, I think it’s got something to do with Johnny and Dally.” He hears Soda say.
“He can’t mourn for the rest of his life, he’ll be over it soon.” Darry says, he sounds uncertain, “I mean it’s been three months so he must be going through the last of his grief.”
“Yeah but I think what he witnessed with the fire and that is playing a part, he wasn’t even this withdrawn when mum and dad died.”
“He’ll come back to himself soon, he had us when they died but Johnny and Dally, he saw that with his own eyes.” )
Even just the reminder of them is enough to make his blood run cold, he walks back to bed because he really doesn’t want to face his brothers. He’s lucky it’s the weekend so he can pretend to sleep the entire day. Darry doesn’t understand that he’s not just going to get over the grief.
Ponyboy caused the situation that ended in two peoples lives being taken, you can’t just get over anything like that. The guilt is going to follow him through the rest of his life, ripping him apart until he’s withered away. He’s practically a murderer, the blood will never be washed off.
Darry would never be able to understand that. He’d never know how Ponyboy had spent the entirety of lunch washing his hands in the bathroom until they’d turned so red that he’d jumped back and hissed in pain when they hit the hot water and for the next two days whenever his hands touched water they stung harsher than a bee.
He should be over it by now, he’ll never be able to be over it.
—
“You shouldn’t be smoking so much, you’re going to give yourself lung cancer before you make it to college.” Darry complained, Ponyboy had just come home from school and was only on his first cigarette. Yet he didn’t bother to argue because he was so sick of it all instead he just glared.
He was so sick of being pestered by Darry, he just wanted a break for five fucking minutes.
—
For the first thirteen years of his life, Ponyboy was really loved.
He had never doubted the unconditional love given to him by his parents since the moment he’d been born, he’d never had. They made sure he went to sleep every night with a smile on his face, kissed his tears away and put a bandage on any of his wounds. Even Darry seemed to love him back then.
It was weird because both of his brothers looked like their parents' sons but Ponyboy always looked so different, sometimes people would even mistake them for cousins. But it had never mattered how other people saw them because they were a happy family, there were no fake smiles and hidden emotions.
Ponyboy learnt how life was unfair the day that they died, when he was taken out of third period to learn the terrible news. Suddenly, he was faced with hauntingly forgetful nightmares every night
When Darry stepped in as his guardian the unconditional love seemed to stop, it felt like his emotions were constantly being invalidated and they ended up in arguments more times than not. Most days they were civil but some days everything would shift out of control and he’d go to sleep with stinging tears in his eyes.
The slap told him everything that he needed to know, Darry was never going to love him. The love he’d once experienced was never going to be more than a harsh memory.
—
Sleep turned into studying, it was easier than the disappointment but high school was so challenging. He was back to excelling at English, his maths was straight A's but his science grade was starting to slip. He could easily enough wrap his head around biology and chemistry was only a minor struggle but physics was a complete struggle.
It was like a detailed version of maths, except the maths was actually pretty simple while all the weird explanations seemed to go straight over his head. He’d go to study physics and would end up more confused than when he had started, there was no way in hell that he’d end up with a good grade in physics. Great, that was going to cause more problems with Darry.
Straight A’s. His grades were shining and didn’t seem to reflect all of the seemingly recent trauma of losing his two friends, but then there was his physics grade and it was a B. Ponyboy smiled seeing the grade as he’d convinced himself that it would be an F, maybe some of the studying was making it into his brain.
Darry however didn’t seem as impressed with his ‘low’ grade. “How do you manage to get an A in every subject but one?” He asked like it was impossible that he could struggle at a subject, “Clearly you’ve been studying too much for your other subjects.”
“I’ve spent hours studying physics, it’s just a tricky subject.” He felt so upset that he wanted to cry which only made him more upset at himself because he shouldn’t cry in front of Darry.
“Then you’re not studying enough!” He seemed angry now, probably due to the pathetic excuse that had been thrown at his face besides Ponyboy had been spending far too much time lately reading when he could be studying.
“I’ve spent hours studying, I swear.” Ponyboy argued back, he was getting angry now and he just wanted to curl up in bed away from everyone.
“Do you think you’re going to get into college with a B?” It was a rhetorical question because Ponyboy knew that if he were to get a scholarship then he needed excellent grades and a B was not excellent. Darry was looking at him with serious eyes that he’d seen that night, that night when everything had changed.
“I’m sorry, I’ll do better.” He couldn’t look at Darry anymore because he was starting to become convinced that his brother was going to explode with anger, he still remembered the feel of the sharp sting and he never wanted to feel it again. “I’ll go and study right now.”
“Good.” Darry replied casually as if the anger had already passed him, “I want all A’s on the next report card.”
Ponyboy bit his tongue to prevent himself from shouting back, he tasted the sweet metallic taste of crimson and blinked the tears away from his eyes. It failed, he sat on his bed and immediately started to sob, putting his face onto the pillow so that nobody would hear him.
He was trying, he was trying so hard that his eyebags had once been mistaken for a black eye and even some of the gang said that he was starting to act like a ghost.
—
Darry is one of those people that immediately start to shout when they get angry. It’s like he can’t stop himself as he impulsively raises his voice and causes everyone in the room to stop breathing. He never used to be so angry but since their parents death something had snapped inside him.
It’s bad because he tends to be set off by the little things like someone spilling a drink or not agreeing with his viewpoint. It’s bad because Ponyboy is one of those people who feels the need to argue back which usually ends up with him being dug into such a deep hole that he may as well be buried six feet underground.
Then the slap happened.
It was weird because it was like he had seen it coming, everytime Darry had nitpicked at something the days before he knew sooner or later that a bomb was going to explode. Then he’d fucked everything up by falling asleep and there Darry was with his hand and clearly not a rational feeling until the regret. Only it was too late to regret.
Since that day Ponyboy has been terrified of a repeating scene, it’s easier to stay out of Darrys way because he can’t get mad at someone who isn’t there but that’s not exactly an easy task when they live in the same house together. And it seems like everyday they find a new thing to argue about.
“Aren’t you even going to try and finish your plate?” Darry asked, hardly any of the food had been touched and that’s just how it had been lately.
“I’m just not hungry.” He quietly replied. He wasn’t lying, since his week in the church every piece of food seemed to taste like bologna which made it uneatable and his appetite had therefore dried up.
“Do you enjoy starving yourself everyday?” Darry suddenly asked, his tone raised which sent Ponyboys heart racing, “When are you going to stop this then, when you die from malnutrition?” Ponyboy didn’t even notice how his hands started to shake.
“I’m seriously just not hungry.”
“Well I’m not letting you lose any more weight so you have to finish your plate.” Ponyboy rolled his eyes and bitterly thought about how Darry would never understand what he was going through.
“You don’t understand I can’t eat this.” He felt so pathetic, like a little kid who wasn’t allowed to leave the table until they ate their vegetables.
“Then we’ll stay here until you can.” Darry spit it out so harshly that Ponyboy flinched back as if he was going to be hit again. Before he could even give it a second thought he decided to leave the table and isolate himself in his bedroom. Silently he cried and he wished to be back with his parents.
—
Lately, Ponyboy's nightmares have been at an all time high, it’s more of an oddity if he sleeps the full night, he still doesn’t remember what he’s dreaming about but they leave him drenched in sweat and tears hiding in his eyes.
One night he woke up without screaming, a small gasp made it through his lips and he sat up in bed realising that it was still the middle of the night. He didn’t want to go back to sleep, he needed to clear his head and the best way to do that was to go on a run.
He was careful to make no noise as he gets dressed in the bathroom and then he makes his escape. He knows already that Darry would be fuming if he found out what Ponyboy was going but the younger one seriously just needed some fresh air and it was better than smoking on the porch.
The cold air brushing against his skin was just what he needed, he was able to look up at the stars twinkling and feel a moment of peace that his body had been aching for. Maybe it was weird, his brothers would certainly think so, but he just wanted to run to the end of the world.
Ponyboy made it to the end of town before turning around and doing a light jog back home, his tiredness had returned and he wanted to at least grab another hour of sleep. His house came into view and he could feel a faint glow from the window, fuck, one of his brothers was up and he just knew they’d be waiting for him.
He took a deep breath at the door, mentally preparing himself for the situation before opening the door and being faced with Darrys stern expression. “Where have you been?” He asked with more anger than concern and Ponyboy felt the cruel sense of deja vu.
“I’m sorry, I went for a run.” He looked down at the floor because there was no way that he could meet Darry's eyes without starting to shake.
“In the middle of the night!” Darry sounded astonished, “Don’t you ever use your head, you could have been killed at a time like this.”
Guilt ran through his veins because he was being such a nuisance to his brothers, they needed to send him to a boys home at this point. Honestly, it would have been easier if he had been killed then he wouldn’t have to live knowing how much of a disappointment he was.
“I’m sorry.” Was all that he could say and Darry merely ran his hand through his hair and told him to go back to bed which Ponyboy complied.
—
Didn’t you used to be loved? Maybe Soda loved him or at least tried to care for him and while the gang made jokingly rude remarks they were always there for him but it was clear that he wasn’t truly loved. He was a ‘tag-a-long’ and a nuisance, everyone would be much happier if he just didn’t exist.
He tried his hardest to stay away from everyone, to not bother people with his presence so he went on a run more often and devoured books faster than the speed of light. The gang never complained that they didn’t see him any more which just further reinforced his belief that they didn’t like him.
He didn’t blame them, he didn’t really like himself either.
Eventually everything seemed to turn grey. Nothing felt important as each day passed in a forgetful blur, he did his homework, went to sleep, had a nightmare and tried to force himself to read just to find that all his enjoyment of reading had disappeared. He could only enjoy a book if the main character seemed to be struggling in the same ways he was.
The desire to live had disappeared, he wanted to fall into a coma just so that he could rest and he hated himself for thinking like that because one had to go under harm to fall under a coma and surely he didn’t want to be physically struggling. Yet he did, he really did.
Some days he’d find himself dreaming of blood spilling out of his body, his arm covered in paper cuts or straight up harming himself with a blade. Maybe people would start to care about him if they saw how damaged he was, maybe he’d find his way out of the world.
—
“Is Ponyboy here?” Two bit asked, “I swear that I haven’t seen him in ages.”
“He’s in his room, he barely leaves it anymore.” Soda replied “He’s my own brother and I barely see him anymore.” Really, he was concerned over his younger brother’s behaviour because he was so lifeless.
“Is he alright?”
“He’s been quite distant lately but I think he’s still dealing with everything that went down.” Soda took a deep breath to gather his train of thought. “It’s a tough thing to go through especially so soon after, you know.”
—
“Are you alright?” Soda asked, climbing into bed that night. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had ever asked Ponyboy that question but now he felt a magnetic push to say the words.
“I’m fine.” Ponyboy replied, clearly he hadn’t been expecting the question as he replied slowly as if the question had stunned him.
“Seriously though, are you ok?” Soda repeated because he just knew that Ponyboy was lying.
Ponyboy bit his tongue to stop himself unleashing all of his inner feelings. “No I'm not alright, I’m sick of Darry always yelling at me over trivial matters, I’m sick of feeling like a burden, I’m sick of existing and most of the time I wish that I could just turn invisible or stop existing.”
That’s what he wanted to say instead he quietly muttered, “I’m just tired.”
—
“I really don’t think Ponyboys alright.” He told Darry early that morning while Ponyboy was still asleep. “He just seems really miserable.”
“He witnessed both Dally and Johnny die, he’s only fourteen, it’s basically expected.” Darry replied, brushing off Soda's concern.
—
“Don’t you ever use that head of yours when it’s needed?” Darry complained, “You know not to walk home from school alone and you’re the fastest runner on track so how come you couldn’t run away fast enough?”
Ponyboy was blue and bloody, as Darry proceeded to get even madder at him blood continued to rush from his cheeks where a blade had been pulled out onto him. What he didn’t tell Darry was that he could have ran away easily but he’d felt such an aching numbness lately that he actually wanted the pain.
Tears welled up his eyes, he really didn’t want to let them fall because crying in front of Darry was something that no one dared to do, it would show him as really weak. But he just couldn’t stop himself.
“I’m sorry that I’m such a disappointment to you.” He said, the words shocking Darry straight to his core as Ponyboy quickly wiped away the tears. It was a futile act as they were just replaced by more.
“You’re not a disappointment to me.”
“Really!” Ponyboy wanted to laugh out of astonishment instead he took a deep breath. “You’re always nagging at me about everything, it’s like everytime I come home from school you’re at my throat so you don’t need to lie to me, I know that I’m a complete disappointment.”
Darry started to see it then, all of the pain that he’d caused to his younger brother, he was supposed to care for Ponyboy and all he’d done was cause pain. An apology was never going to be enough but at least it could be a start.
“Seriously, You’ve never been a disappointment and you never could be, I love you and I’m sorry for all the pain that I’ve inflicted onto you.”
Ponyboy just stood there, he wasn’t really taking in the words because if Darry was truly sorry then he’d never have said the words in the first place. “I’m going to get cleaned up.” and then he was gone.
Darry was left with the burning shame of his actions, he’d fucked everything up.