Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Open on a shot of Toronto, “This is Toronto, the capital of North America. Birthplace of funk, where the albino panther roams free.” a voice over said as an albino panther rode by on a yacht.

It cut to the source of the voiceover standing atop a building, “Beneath my manly sized abs, twenty teams are arriving at this historic train station, ready to embark on a race around the world. I’m your host, Don, and this is… the Ridonculous Race!” he announced with a smile.

-Theme Song-

As the music played, a shot of the earth was shown. A hand held up a travel tip in front of it before showing silhouettes of the forty contestants running. It showed shots of the map before zooming to show various photos and modes of transportation. It showed a taxi door open before every team’s icon flashed onscreen, with Don’s icon in the top right to balance it out. The camera showed the show’s logo as a plane flew by and flipped the N.

-End of Theme Song-

Open on Don waking in front of the train station, “Welcome to the Ridonculous Race. Right now, twenty teams from across the country are readying themselves to embark to a race to the death!” he announced before getting a message on his earpiece.

“Yeah, I know, I was joking. Let’s meet the teams that aren’t racing to the death!” Don announced before going into voiceover.

The camera cut to the inside of a train and showed a man with a green shirt and black hair sitting next to a woman with blonde hair and a darker green shirt, “Devin and Carrie, college students and Best Friends.” Don’s voiceover announced.

—Interview: Carrie and Devin—

“Devin and I met in the sandbox when we were kids and we haven’t spent a day apart since! If anyone can win this race, it’s us!”

“Yeah, I know Carrie so well, it’s like we’re…” Devin said before noticing her starting at him, “…what are you doing?”

“Oh, uh, lint check! F-for the camera! Woo! Race!”

The camera showed an older looking blonde woman applying makeup sitting next to a younger woman with brown hair filing her nails, “Kelly and Taylor, Mother and Daughter.” Don announced.

—Interview: Taylor and Kelly—

“So A, I’m really hot, obviously, B, I’ve auditioned for like, every single Total Drama season and they finally let me on this one, and C, I’m pretty much the best at everything I do, so, unless my mom messes things up, we’re totally gonna win this race.”

“Taylor and her friends love when I hang with them. I’m known as the ‘cool mom’, heh. We’re so tight, people sometimes mistake us for sisters!”

“Wait, what!?”

The camera showed two women with blueish hair, one with twintails and a red shirt messing around on her phone, and the other wearing an orange jacket and looking through the overhead compartment, “Kitty and Emma, actual Sisters.” Don introduced.

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“I’m studying international law, so that’s gonna give us a real edge, which is good, because we’re here to win.”

“And to see the world, meet hot people, and have some fun!”

“If there’s time for that, which there won’t be, so let’s focus on winning, okay?” Kitty sighed, “Good.”

The camera cut to a goth guy and girl wearing lots of black and red, the guy with a bleeding eyeball on his shirt and the girl with a bat tattoo below her neck, “Ennui and Crimson, two exceptionally pale Goth teens. …okay, that’s just unnerving.” Don’s voiceover said as lightning seemed to strike nearby.

The camera then cut to show two familiar faces, “Owen and Noah, seasoned Reality TV Pros.” Don announced.

“Yeah! Woo! Don’t leave me hanging!” Owen said as he held up his hand. Noah rolled his eyes with a smile and high-fived him.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“Noah and I met on Total Drama, and we’ve been on tons of reality shows in the downtime between seasons, like Meltdown Kitchen, and Scare Tractor, and Fashionista Flip Flop!”

“Still don’t know how you got on that one.”

Owen laughed, “I’m just so psyched to be working with my little buddy! Come here!” he said as he wrapped Noah into a hug that seemed and sounded very painful.

The camera cut to two brown-haired twins, one wearing a helmet and a cyan hoodie, the other wearing a dark blue hoodie, “Mickey and Jay, identical Twins who are used to overcoming Adversity.” Don announced as several pieces of luggage fell on them

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“We’ve both been through a lot, but we’re not cursed! We’re whatever’s right before cursed. Heh, that’s us!”

“Like, when I was six, I fell into a burrowing owls nest and one of the baby owls flew into my ear. To this day, everything still sounds like ‘hoo, hoo, hoo’!”

“We’re constantly fighting adversity and overcoming it!”

“We’ve gotta switch sides, you’re just… ‘hoo, hoo, hoo’!”

The camera then showed another two familiar faces sitting nearby, “Katie and Sadie, BFFFLs. Whatever that means.” Don announced.

—Interview: Katie and Sadie—

“Sadie and I got our reality TV start on Total Drama. So when we all got invited to sign onto this show, we jumped on immediately!”

“We’ve grown to work alright when we’re apart, but when we’re together, we’re downright unstoppable! I can tell, this show’s gonna be big for us!” Sadie hugged Katie, who immediately started blushing.

The camera showed two bodybuilders looking out the window, the male one large and with a shirt of of a stick figure lifting a weight, and the female one shorter with a deep red shirt, “The totally in love Daters, Ryan and Stephanie.” Don announced.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“Stephanie and I met at the gym two months and six days ago, and we’ve been going steady ever since!”

“We’re so excited! Neither of us have ever traveled before, there’s so much to discover! Like, what do chocolate protein bars taste like in China?”

“I was just wondering that!”

“No. Way!” …they proceeded to make out.

The train arrived at its destination, and two ice dancers in pink and purple uniforms hopped out, the guy with blonde hair and the girl with black, “Jacques and Josee, Ice Dancers.” Don declared.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“We know how to win. We’ve won gold everywhere!”

“Except for that one show. And the Olympics. Where he dropped me so we only got silver.”

Jacques bolted up and screamed, “I don’t want to talk about it!” he ran out of the room.

“Silver is his least favorite color. Besides bronze.”

Two surfers stepped out of the train next, one wearing a pink tank top and sporting a star tattoo, and the other still wearing his now iconic cowboy hat, “Brody and Geoff, lifelong friends and Surfer Dudes.” Don announced.

Geoff looked to the camera and laughed, “Going around the world on someone else’s time. Sweet! Hey Bridgette, love you babe!” he said.

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

“Me and my girl Bridgette host the Total Drama Aftermath, but she’s surfing around Australia right now, so, entre, our bud Brody!”

“Yeah guy, bros forever! G&B for the W-I-N! …hey, don’t you guys have another cohos-“

“We’re not talking about her right now.”

The ten introduced teams stepped out of the train station doors together, “Right this way, teams! Over here!” Don said as he pointed to a white line painted on the ground. He went back to voiceover as more teams approached.

One of the approaching teams was a middle aged man with a yellow shirt and a boy around the age of thirteen with a red hat and black hoodie, “Also competing, Dwayne and Dwayne Junior, Father and Son.” Don announced.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“Oh, I spend a lot of time at the old office, so this race is a perfect chance for Junior and I to squeeze in a little father-son bonding time, right, buddo?”

“Uh, yeah, sure dad. Hey, um, are there any other kids my age in this thing?”

“Oh, uh… no.”

Nearby, a woman in a police uniform was scaling down a wall with a rope as her partner, wearing a hat and also a police uniform, burst through the window, “Sanders and MacArthur, ambitious Police Cadets.” Don announced.

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“We’re tough as nails, and we’ll go to the extreme to win this thing!”

“Definitely. As long as we don’t break any international laws.”

“I’m okay with breaking a few.”

Another two familiar faces approached, one approaching casually while the other ran in and slid to a stop, “B and Lightning, Brain and Brawn.” Don said.

—Interview: Lightning and B—

“After I underperformed during my last run on Total Drama, I realized that if I want to make it to the top again, I need some brains to balance out my muscles. So when we got the memo of this spinoff, B and I immediately hopped on board! We’ve got this in the sha-bag!” they fist bumped.

Two guys wearing nearly identical outfits approached next, fighting the whole way. One had black hair and the other had brown, “Lorenzo and Chet, new Stepbrothers.” Don declared.

—Interview: Lorenzo and Chet—

“My dad married his mom last year, but we still hate each other! So they’re making us do this! Jerks!”

“Don’t call my mom a jerk, jerk!” he said before shoving him.

“Shut your word hole, jerk!” he said as he got back up and shoved Chet. They then started fighting again.

Next approached a man wearing glasses and a fashionable blue shirt and a woman with just as fashionable sunglasses and a skirt, “Tom and Jen, highly attractive Fashion Bloggers with impeccable taste. …I told you not to let the teams write their own cards.” Don said with a sigh.

—Interview: Jen and Tom—

“Hey hey to all our blog followers out there! Wish us luck!”

“I bet Jen we could win the race but I’d didn’t think she’d actually take me up on it.”

“I put my mind to something and it happens.” she said as she snapped her fingers.

Next approached a man with long blonde hair and a bandana doing air guitar and a man with brown hair and a denim jacket doing a rock out symbol with his hand, “Rock and Spud, the Rockers.” Don announced.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“Spud wasn’t sure about doing this because he’s not super fit or good at much of anything, except rocking out!” he made guitar noises, “So I said ‘You just rock, bud! I’ll carry you!’” they continued rocking out.

Nearby, a butterfly landed on the finger of a girl wearing glasses and a red bandana while her partner, a woman wearing a brown vest and yellow tank top… stopped traffic so it could fly off, “Miles and Laurie, granola-loving hippie-dippie Vegans. …did they write to make themselves seem better or worse?” Don asked.

—Interview: Laurie and Miles—

“We want to win so we can donate to our favorite charities.”

“Save the Hunchback Walrus, Goat Milk Eco Warriors, People for the Ethical Treatment of Ants, so many great causes!”

Two women wearing glasses and orange tops approached next, “Ellody and Mary, scientific Genius girlfriends who say they will use their winnings to support the science community.” Don announced.

—Interview: Ellody and Mary—

“Astrophysics is underfunded. Reality shows offer monetary prizes.”

“Conundrum solved.”

A taxi drove up and dropped off two people with soft drinks in hand, one a familiar face wearing a druid outfit in place of his wizard one, and the other a woman dressed as a Valkyrie, “Leonard and Tammy, Live Action Roleplayers. …whatever that is.” Don announced in confusion.

—Interview: Leonard and Tammy—

“Pahkitew Island was tough on me! So I switched up my class to and partnered with my good friend Tammy to claim the Dragon’s Eye!”

“That’s dwarfish for win the million.” she said before playing an ocarina.

Lastly, the two old men in tennis uniforms that were always in the Aftermath’s audience approached, “And, Gerry and Pete, retired pro Tennis players and friendly Rivals.” Don announced.

—Interview: Gerry and Pete—

“We’re both very competitive. But for half a mil each? Game on!” they chuckled.

“Maybe we’ll get some new sponsorships! If anyone needs a pitchman for senior’s laxatives…”

“Call his agent!” they said in unison before chuckling.

Everyone lined up at the starting line, with some teams sizing up the competition and others making small talk. Jen and Tom turned to Crimson and Ennui, “Wow, you two are rocking that look.” Jen said. The Goths said nothing in response.

“Are you guys ready to rock!?” Rock asked nobody in particular but still eagerly awaited a response.

“Yeah! And we’re here to roll, man!” Brody said as he fist bumped Rock.

“Yeah! This is gonna rock!” Kitty said as Emma stared at her judgingly.

“Hey guys!” Katie and Sadie said in unison as they approached Owen and Noah.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you two!” Owen said as he hugged them.

“When you two said you’d signed onto another reality show, we should’ve known it was this one.” Noah said with a smile, “Why didn’t you guys just tell us?”

“We wanted to keep it a surprise.” Sadie said.

“Well it’s a great one! This is gonna be awesome!” Owen said.

“You got that right!” Katie agreed.

“Welcome, contestants! This is the starting line for your 26 part race around the world! Each part ends at a Chill Zone! Get there fast, because the last team to stand at a Carpet of Completion may be cut from the competition.” Don announced, “But the first team to arrive at the last Chill Zone will receive one million dollars!”

Almost everyone cheered or smiled at the mention of the prize. Don approached a totem of himself with a button on its head, “Look over here. This is our Ridonculous Tip Box, also known as the Don Box. Press this button to get the travel tips that will lead you through the Ridonculous Race. Ready, teams? Because your race around the world is about to begin. On your marks… get set… race! Wait, watch the face!” Don yelled as everyone began running and immediately trampled him.

Everyone arrived at the Don Box around the same time and pressed the button as quick as possible before all listening to whoever would read it aloud first, “‘Race on foot to the CN Tower and find the Don Box to get your next tip.’” Geoff read before he and Brody started running. Everyone else began their run once they got their tip.

Dwayne, Junior, Jacques, and Josee managed to pull ahead quickly, Jacques and Josee smiling at the camera the whole time, “There’s the tower!” Junior shouted.

“And here comes the competition!” Jacques said.

“Huh? Where?” Dwayne asked as he turned his head, only to run straight into a trashcan, which he tossed off of him… and right onto the Ice Dancers, “Oh, my bad!”

“Woah, nasty! Are you guys okay?” Geoff asked as he and Brody stopped next to them, only for them to toss the trashcan into the air and begin running, “Oh, rad.”

The trashcan then landed on Geoff and Brody. They didn’t stop running, though.

“There’s the Don Box!” Dwayne yelled as he and his son arrived at the CN Tower first and pressed the button.

“It’s an Either-Or challenge.” Junior read as the Ice Dancers arrived, “What’s that mean?”

Geoff and Brody, still with a trashcan on their heads, ran into a lamppost.

Cut to Don inside the tower, “An Either-Or challenge gives teams the choice between two unique challenges. In this case, they can either do Stairs, which entails climbing 144 flights of stairs to reach the world’s tallest observation deck, that’s just under a billion stairs, or Scares, where they’ll take the elevator before getting the scare of a lifetime by doing a sky walk all the way around the outside of the tower. Not to worry though, they’ll be wearing helmets. And as an extra precaution, a safety rail has been installed.” he explained, only for the rail to fall off.

“Teams must finish either task and then talk to this local guide to receive their next tip.” Don explained as he walked past a part-time worker who looked oddly familiar.

Cut to Sanders reading the tip, “144 flights of stairs? Yeah, we’ll do scares.” she said as she and MacArthur ran inside.

“Scares.” Tom said as he read he and Jen’s.

“Stairs’ll take too long! Scares!” Lightning said as B held up the tip. Ryan and Stephanie said nothing but silently agreed on Scares.

As Chet and Lorenzo fought over their tip, Chet let go of it, sending Lorenzo to the ground before saying, “Scares! Called it!”

“…Stairs.” Mickey said as he held he and Jay’s tip.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“Mickey gets nosebleeds when he goes up too high too fast. Makes it pretty tough to take flights or, y’know, go up really tall towers.” he pulled the tip away from Mickey.

“Gah! Paper cut!”

Cut to Dwayne and Junior entering the elevator, “First in, alright! Way to go, Junior! Give me a high-five!” he said as he very quickly leaned down to high-five his son… only to miss and slam his hand into the elevator buttons. All 144 of them. Junior looked at him judgingly.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“For a skinny tower, there sure are a lot of floors!”

Dwayne whistled as he and Junior walked out of the elevator while the Surfer Dudes, Police Cadets, Fashion Bloggers, Ice Dancers, Brain and Brawn, Daters, and Stepbrothers walked in, “Hey, who pushed all the buttons!?” Geoff asked.

“Better take the stairs!” MacArthur said as they all ran out of the elevator, aside from Tom, Jen, and Sanders.

“Or we could just wait?” Sanders asked.

“Hustle!” MacArthur yelled as Sanders ran after her.

“Meh, this’ll probably still be faster.” Jen said as the elevator door closed.

Cut to Dwayne and Junior climbing the staircase, “If anyone asks, we chose stairs. Always stairs.” he said as Jay and Mickey followed close behind.

“While Father and Son and the Adversity Twins commit to climbing the absurd number of stairs, more teams choose Scares.” Don’t voiceover said as the camera cut to almost everyone else at the bottom floor, “But they’re in for a long wait.”

Cut to Tom and Jen in the elevator as it opened on every single floor. They turned to the camera, “Hey hey, Fashion Blog followers! We would like to take this time to talk about today’s fashion faux pas, which is….” Jen began as the door opened in front of a janitor in overalls.

“Overalls. Ugh. Nasty.” Tom said.

“I know, right? Ugh, like, get with today!”

Cut to Tom and Jen arriving on the top floor, with the janitor’s mop and bucket on their heads. Their mood changed once they looked around, “I don’t see any other teams… we’re in first place! Yes!” Jen yelled.

“Let’s hit the skywalk and strut all the way to the winner’s circle!” Tom said as they approached the door to the skywalk.

“We are so the team to beat.” Jen said smugly. That smugness soon dropped when they actually stepped outside, “We have to walk out here!?”

Cut back to the teams on the stairs, “Those that abandoned the elevator are in for a painful climb, and frankly, that’ll be more fun to watch.” Don’s voiceover said before the camera cut to the Adversity Twins.

“On the upside, we’re definitely not in last place! On the downside, that probably won’t be true for long….” Mickey said.

Cut to Kelly and Taylor arriving at the bottom floor, “Ugh! Thanks for being slow, now we’re in a race for last place. We when we get home, hire yourself a personal trainer.” Taylor told her mom.

“Great idea, sweetie!” Kelly replied.

“I know, that’s why I thought of it.”

Cut back to the stairs, “Sweet form, dudes! Keep it up!” Geoff told the Twins as he and Brody passed them.

“They seem nice.” Mickey said.

“No alliances, remember?” Jay said.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“Jay doesn’t think we should form any alliances.”

“We’re soft meat. We’ll get left behind really easily.”

Lightning and B passed by the Twins not long after, “Hey, B, do those two remind you of Cameron?” Lightning asked. B shrugged before nodding.

Cut to Sanders catching her breath, “Ugh… thighs on fire… so queasy….” she said, only for MacArthur to lift her over her shoulder.

“You’re one of those skinny-fat people who can’t climb ten flights of stairs without spewing chunks, huh? What do you do, yoga?” she asked (smugly for whatever reason) before continuing to climb.

“As most of the teams continue to climb or wait… and wait… and wait some more…” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed the Reality TV Pros talking with the BFFFLs, Leonard meditating, Tammy polishing her ocarina, and the Goths standing emotionless, “The Fashion Bloggers are the first to reach the observation deck, but the Scare might be too much for them.”

“We can’t go out on that death walk! I am fashionably svelte! The wind will literally blow me away!” Tom told the tip person while he and Jen hugged in fear. The tip person rolled his eyes.

Just then, the elevator reached the bottom floor, “With the return of the elevator, the competition is heating up!” Don’s voiceover said. Only the Best Friends, Tennis Rivals, Goths, Sisters, Geniuses, and Vegans could make it in however, as Emma mashed the close door button as soon as possible, leaving the Mother and Daughter, LARPers, Reality TV Pros, Rockers, and BFFFLs in a five-way tie for last.

“Rude!” Taylor said angrily.

“Leonard? Is that you? What are you doing here?” Owen asked as he approached him and Tammy.

“We figured we might have a good shot at making it far.” Tammy said.

“Yeah! And my new robe has cloaking powers! Observe! Disappearacus Convincicus!” Leonard yelled before putting his arm in front of his face, “Can’t see me anymore, can ya?”

“Uh… I’m gonna go over there.” Owen said as he walked away. Tammy facepalmed at Leonard’s… Leonard-ness.

Cut to Tom and Jen complaining about the helmets provided by the tip guy, “Helmets!? Are you crazy!? You want us to ruin our hair!? No, I did not sign up for that!” Tom complained.

“Plus, aubergine really isn’t my color.” Jen said.

“It’s not, trust.”

The tip giver just looked at the camera.

Cut back to the stairs. Junior was still in the lead, though his father had fallen behind as the Surfer Dudes and Brain and Brawn ran past him, “Doing great, bro! Our calves are gonna be so toned after this!” Geoff said.

“Yeah, totally! We’re gonna look like Greek Gods from the knees down!” Brody said.

“I’ll be both Lighting and a Greek God! What would they even call that?” Lightning asked.

“No idea, man.” Geoff replied. B stopped for a second to facepalm.

Jacques and Josee dropped briefly to wave to the camera, “Hello, to all our fans! We love you!” Josee declared.

“Put me down, I can do this!” Sanders said to MacArthur.

“I beg to differ, chicken legs.” MacArthur replied.

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“It’s all in the glutes! I only use the stair machine at the gym. I’m basically 80% glutes at this point, they’ve taken over the rest of my muscles. You see this? That’s glutes.” she flexed, “It’s all glutes.”

“After an hour of stair climbing, some of our contestants are really losing it.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera cut to the Stepbrothers, who were very clearly out of breath.

“If we come in last… it’s your fault… doofus!” Chet said in between breaths.

“Hurry up… and climb faster… slowpoke!” Lorenzo replied in between breaths.

“Stop breathing on my back… sweatball!”

Meanwhile, the Adversity Twins weren’t fairing much better, “Stay with me, Mickey. Eyes wide!” Jay said.

“It’s okay, mom, I don’t need a new elephant….” Mickey replied deliriously.

“This is why we don’t visit a lot of skyscrapers.”

Cut to the second elevator arriving at the tip floor, “There’s the skywalk, come on!” Devin said as he and Carrie ran past Tom and Jen and grabbed their helmets.

“Hold on, I need to make sure my helmet is disinfected before we do this!” Tom said, effectively causing a line. A mostly disgruntled line.

Cut to Carrie and Devin on the skywalk, “Oh man….” Devin yelled nervously.

“Okay, you’ve always wanted to conquer your fear of heights, right?” Carrie asked.

“I’m not scared of heights, I’m scared of falling! Big difference.”

“Don’t worry, it’s a tv competition! It’s gotta be safe!” Carrie replied as the two watched a bird that… bizarrely looked like Scott… land on the safety net… and make it completely collapse.

Amidst the line inside, Gerry and Pete had managed to sneak through with their helmets and run out to the skywalk, “Ha! Now we’re in the lead! Way to snooze, chuckleheads!” Gerry mocked as he and Pete laughed and ran by them.

“You can do it! I believe in you!” Carrie told Devin.

“That makes one of us….” Devin replied as they began to slowly follow the Tennis Rivals.

Meanwhile, the elevator had arrived back at the bottom floor, “Make way for one more!” Owen yelled as he approached the elevator, having just returned from the bathroom.

“Sorry, no room.” Taylor said as she tried to push the close door button.

“Oh yes there is…!” Sadie said as she and Katie managed to hold the door open just long enough for Owen to make it inside.

Meanwhile, more teams were on the skywalk. Gerry and Pete lost their lead when the wind blew them back behind Carrie and Devin, “That’s it! Just put one foot in front of the other! I’m so proud of you, Devin!” Carrie said.

“I couldn’t do it without you, pal!” Devin replied as Carrie smiled, “Not going to die, not going to die, not going to die….”

Meanwhile, Emma briefly stopped to see her sister taking several selfies, “This is so cool!” Kitty yelled.

“Focus! This is life or death!” Emma replied.

“Come on, look at what we’re doing, it’s incredible! I feel so alive!”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure they put that quote on your tombstone.” Emma said as she grabbed Kitty.

“Promise me you’ll never let go!” Jen yelled as she and Tom held onto each other.

“Never!” Tom replied, “Can you believe people pay to do this?”

“We’re going this for you, Mother Earth! Don’t kill us!” Laurie yelled.

Cut back to the stairs, “Coming through, Cadets for the win!” MacArthur yelled.

“Not for long!” Jacques replied.

“The last elevator has arrived.” Don said as the final elevator made it to the top, “But while those teams still have to take the dreaded skywalk, teams who take the stairs are literally leaping into the lead.”

On cue, Jacques and Josee leapt out of the door from the stairwell, both drenched in sweat, “First place?” Josee asked.

The tip giver nodded and gave Jacques the tip, “‘Catch a flight with a zip, ride the line your tip.’ Eh?” Jacques asked.

“Teams must take a zip line over Lake Ontario to this airport and snag their next tip along the way. The line was tested this morning by our intern, Andrew.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed a hat in the water, “Condolences again to his family.”

Jacques and Josee immediately leapt onto the zip line, Josee grabbing the tip with ease, “Go Team Canada!” Jacques yelled.

“Thank goodness that’s over.” Devin said as he, Carrie, Gerry, and Pete ran back inside.

Pete fell to the ground, “Ow! Oh, my artificial knees just gave out!” he yelled.

—Interview: Pete and Gerry—

“Gotta say, agreeing to do this show was a great idea. We’ve been through way tougher battles than any of these kids. So what if they’re got more zing, more ambition, more blind optimism, more… this show was a terrible idea.”

Cut to MacArthur and Sanders arriving at the top, “Finally!” Sanders said as MacArthur dropped her.

“Yup! Now it’s your turn. Carry me.” MacArthur said.

“What!?”

“Ha! I’m joking! You couldn’t carry a loaf of bread!”

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“Don’t worry, I’m sure a lot of teams are carrying some dead weight.”

Sanders flipped her off, making MacArthur laugh.

Carrie finished reading her travel tip, “Zipline? I’ve always wanted to do that!” Carrie said.

“Zipline? I never wanted to do that!” Gerry yelled.

Cut to Jacques and Josee arriving at the mattresses at the bottom of the zipline before waving at the camera, “Thank you! We love you! Merci!” Josee said.

“…who are you waving to? There’s nobody here.” Don said.

“Our fans!” Jacques and Josee said in unison.

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“Our fans give us the energy we need to perform under extreme pressure. Without them, my partner Jacques would never be able to overcome his many faults.”

“Uh, why do you say ‘many’ like that?”

“You know why.”

Josee gave Jacques the tip, “Eh? ‘Book two seats on the next flight to Morocco.’” he read.

“There are three flights heading for Morocco, departing thirty minutes apart. Teams who make it onto the first flight have the distinct advantage of arriving first. Teams on the first flight should probably question why they even entered this race, because, wow, really?” Don said.

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“Every reality show we’ve been on, we’ve lost. This time, no excuses, no distraction. We’ve got our eyes on the cheddar.”

“And the taste of foreign food! …I mean, winning! Wahoo!”

Cut to Carrie grabbing the tip as she and Devin ziplined, “We did it! You are the best!” Devin said. Carrie chuckled while blushing.

—Interview: Devin and Carrie—

“I had to do the race with Carrie. She’s, smart, fast, and determined!”

“Aww….”

“And my girlfriend Maggie was busy.”

Cut to Gerry and Pete on the Zipline, “Need a hand?” Gerry asked before pushing Pete off and laughing as he fell into the water below.

“That was for Wireton in ‘77!” Gerry yelled done. He then proceeded to grab the tip, “Gotcha!”

He then screamed as he fell into the water below because he grabbed it with both hands.

Cut to the BFFFLs and Pros on the skywalk, “Meh, we’ve done worse.” Katie said, though they were all struggling against the wind, Noah especially.

“Man, you need to put on a few pounds.” Owen said. Suddenly, the wind switched direction and started blowing Noah forward. Owen grabbed onto him, with Katie and Sadie grabbing onto Owen, as the wind pulled them all forward exponentially faster thanks to the wind catching Noah like a sail. The three managed to grab onto the doorframe of the entrance inside.

“Do not let go!” Noah yelled.

—Interview: Reality TV Pros and BFFFLs—

All of their hair was pointed to the left, “Maybe this show wasn’t our best call.” Noah said.

“Maybe….” Sadie said.

“Dude, check this out!” Rock said as he and Spud arrived on the skywalk. He spit forward, which the wind blew back into Spud’s face, “Heh, sorry!”

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“The wind was howling like whshooo, and the spit hit his face like splat! And then there was bird and it was like caw, caw!”

Cut to MacArthur and Sanders at the zipline, “Whoever grabs the tip gets top bunk back at our dorm room!” MacArthur said.

“I already have the top bunk.” Sanders replied smugly.

“Not for long.” MacArthur said as they slid down.

Cut to the Surfer Dudes and Brain and Brawn reaching the top, “Yeah! We did it!” Brody said before collapsing.

“You alright!?” Lightning asked.

“Agh, my calves! My calves!” Brody yelled as the Father and Son and Daters arrived.

“Ooh, uh, sorry man! We’ve gotta go!” Lightning said as he and B ran to the tip person.

Cut to the Reality TV Pros and BFFFLs running inside, three of them shouting, “Wahoo!”. You can guess which one wasn’t.

The Geniuses walked in soon after, covered in splattered bugs, “Well, that was illuminating.” Ellody said as a fly flew out of Mary’s mouth.

—Interview: Ellody and Mary—

“Judging by the splatter, the wind velocity was 45 knots.”

“Twenty more and we’d be splattered.”

Cut to Carrie and Devin reading their travel tip in unison, “Morocco!? Wahoo!” they yelled before running off. Meanwhile, Sanders managed to grab the travel tip.

Cut to more and more teams pouring finishing up their skywalk while Brody was still in pain on the floor, “Leg cramp! Leg cramp!” Brody yelled.

“Just keep breathing, bro! Let me hear it!” Geoff said as the Stepbrothers arrived.

Meanwhile, more and more teams arrived at the airport, in order being the Police Cadets, Brain and Brawn, Father and Son, Reality TV Pros, BFFFLs, Sisters, Geniuses, Vegans, Daters, Fashion Bloggers, and Mother and Daughter, before they all began their race to the airport, “As more teams reach the tarmac and get seats on flights one and two, the race to not come in last intensifies.” Don explained.

Cut to Jay dragging Mickey by Geoff and Brody, “Come on, bro! We’ve gotta move!” Geoff said as he dragged Brody along.

“Potassium! Need potassium!” Brody yelled.

“Does anybody have a banana!?” Geoff asked before approaching the tip guy, “…hey, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”

The tip giver nervously gave Geoff the tip and ran away.

Cut to the Stepbrothers fighting before reaching the tarmac, the Surfer Dudes landing right on tip of them, “Sorry, thanks for breaking our fall, dudes! Morocco? Awesome!” Geoff said before hopping off of them.

Then the Adversity Twins landed on them, “We did it! Oh, uh, sorry.” Mickey said.

“‘Take the next flight to Morocco.’ Come on!” Jay said.

“Yay. Flying.” Mickey said nervously as all the other teams arrived, with the Tennis Rivals finally crawling out of the water.

“The teams have arrived and the flights have been booked. Flight number one will carry Father and Son, Best Friends, Ice Dancers, Police Cadets, Brain and Brawn, Reality TV Pros, and BFFFLs. Flight number two carries the Daters, Sisters, Fashion Bloggers, Vegans, Mother and Daughter, and Rockers. And flight number three has the LARPers, Stepbrothers, Adversity Twins, Surfer Dudes, Tennis Rivals, and Goths. Who will win the first jaunt in our race? Tune into next time to find out! The Ridonculous Race is to be continued!” Don said to sign off the episode.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time in the Ridonculous Race, twenty teams started a race around the world. After a lot of running, waiting, even more running, confronting fears, and pushing themselves further than I thought possible, everyone reached the airport and booked themselves on three different flights to Morocco. Flight number one with seven teams aboard has already departed. The next seven teams are on flight number two, which is about to take off. Meanwhile, the Goths, LARPers, Adversity Twins, Surfer Dudes, Stepbrothers, and Tennis Rivals’ flight will not be departing for another hour. Will one of these teams suffer the ultimate reality show humiliation and get kicked off first? Time to find out! This is… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

The episode opened on Don’s voiceover, “Twelve teams are already on their way to Morocco. Six are still at the airport waiting anxiously.” he said as the camera showed the airport.

“Sanitizer?” Mickey offered Jay.

“No need, I made a point of not touching anything. Juice?” Jay said as he offered his brother a juice box. While wearing oven mitts. And then Leonard and Tammy popped up from behind their seat.

“Greeting, gentlemen! What’s say you to an amalgamation of adversaries? A weaving of wizards and doppelgängers to rule them all!” Leonard said as Tammy tossed some confetti.

“Agh! I’m allergic to confetti!” Jay yelled before running off, Mickey running after him.

Meanwhile, Chet was using a payphone, “Your plan won’t work, mom! We won’t become friends because Lorenzo is a dumb head! Can’t you just to divorce his dad!?” he asked, only for Lorenzo to approach.

“Hey, is that my dad!?” Lorenzo asked.

“No, it’s my mom!” Chet replied as Lorenzo grabbed the phone.

“Dad! You’ve gotta divorce Chet’s mom!”

“Quit it!” Chet yelled as the two started fighting over the phone.

Cut to Leonard and Tammy behind the Goths, “Greetings! We wish to propose an unstoppable adjoining of alchemy and alabaster to vanquish those who dare to cross us!” Leonard said before Tammy tossed some confetti.

The Goths did not respond, “Surely you shall not say nay?” Leonard asked. The Goths got up and walked away. Tammy proceeded to throw more confetti on Leonard.

“C’mon, Tammy, go easy on that! We’ve only got the one bag!” Leonard said.

“But it’s so fun!” Tammy replied before tossing more, “And didn’t I say to cut back on the medieval talk for the alliance building?”

—Interview: Leonard and Tammy—

“Tammy and I first met in ninth grade, and we were immediately very close.”

“Literally. We were stuffed into the same locker.”

“And a friendship was formed as we calmly ate our lunches and waited for the janitor to locate the bolt cutters!”

Cut to Don showing a montage of photos of Morocco, “Morocco, originally named Italy before it was discovered there already was an Italy, is home to scoring hot foods, as well as scorchingly hot deserts. Flight number one has just landed. Now the teams need to find the Don Box and collect their next travel tip.” Don explained as the seven leading teams ran out of the airport towards the Don Box.

“Hurry!” Dwayne shouted as everyone grabbed their tip.

“‘The Spice is Right.’” Jacques read, “It’s an All-In challenge!”

The camera cut to Don by a spice booth, “And All-In challenge incentivizes that both team members take part in the challenge. In this case, teams must make their way to Yusuf’s spice kiosk and choose five spice from the bountiful array. Some are- Ow!” Don yelled as he tried to reach for a spice before Yusuf slapped his hand away, “Some are sweet, but some are so blisteringly hot, they’ll turn your tummy into a volcano of pain. Teams can pick whatever spices they want, but depending on their spice tolerance, it may come back to bite them later.”

Cut back to everyone reading their tips, “It says, ‘Pick five spices from the kiosk, ideally cumin, cinnamon…’” Devin read.

“‘…paprika, saffron, and ginger…’” Dwayne read.

“‘To receive your next travel tip.’ This should be-“ Katie began.

“Look out!” Owen yelled as he, Noah, Katie, and Sadie were trampled by the other five teams as they all ran to taxis, “T-taxi!”

Cut to Dwayne and Junior’s taxi, “Heh, see that? Right into a taxi and headed for first place! We’re doing great, pal! Yeah!” Dwayne said as his son sighed.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“I’m Dwayne! This is Dwayne Junior!”

“They already know that.”

“Uh, we’re a Father and Son team!”

“They know that too, Dad.”

“Well, we’re gonna win this thing! They didn’t know that, eh? Newsflash, just in! Father and Son team win the million! Yeah!”

Cut to Lightning and B’s taxi, “This’ll be no problem. I eat spices in restaurants, I might as well be a sha-expert!” Lightning declared. B raised an eyebrow at that.

Cut to the Reality TV Pros and BFFFLs’ taxi, which was a tad cramped because there were four of them.

“Even after Total Drama World Tour, I’m still kinda scared of flying. So…” Owen said to the camera before holding up a teddy bear, “His name’s Beary! Get it?”

“Because he’s a bear.” Noah said tiredly. Clearly, this was not the first time he had to say this.

“Yeah!” Owen said before laughing, “He keeps be calm when I fly. Noah doesn’t like him, but he likes Noah! Oh yes he does!”

Katie and Sadie struggled to hold in their laughter and Owen repeatedly pushed Beary into Noah’s face.

Cut to a shot of the second flight in the air, “Meanwhile, the teams on flight number two prepare for cold hearted battle!” Don’s voiceover said.

In actuality, they were not doing that. For example, Jen was reading a fashion magazine, “Oh, I’d look so good in that!” she said before getting interrupted by Tom snoring. She put an air bag over his mouth to keep him quiet.

Meanwhile, Rock was looking somewhat nervous, “Spud and I have never been on a plane before. Not scared, though! I’ve seen lots of planes on TV!” Rock said.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I love that cartoon!” Spud said. What he was referring to would remain a mystery to everyone. The inner machinations of Spud’s mind are an enigma that nobody really knows the depths of, Spud included.

Cut to four of the taxis arriving at the spice kiosk, “These aren’t labeled. Hey, why aren’t they labeled!?” MacArthur asked.

Carrie pointed at a container, “It’s this one! This is cinnamon, this is cinnamon! This is cinnamon!” she declared.

—Interview: Devin and Carrie—

“Cinnamon, cinnamon cinnamon, cinnamon!” Devin mocked before they both laughed.

“You totally would’ve missed it, homie.”

“As if I would’ve missed it.”

“I’m the one who lives for cinnamon lattes.”

“Yeah, which you constantly spill on me.”

“Fair enough, I’ll never doubt your ability to detect cinnamon again.”

Cut to Lightning looking at a container, “This is cumin. Wait, no. Wait, sha-yeah! Wait, sha-no! Uh….” he said, unaware that B was already pointing at another container.

“That’s five.” Jacques said as Yusuf handed him a bag with a travel tip on it.

“After selecting five spices, the teams get their next travel tip from Yusuf.” Don’s voiceover announced.

“We’ve gotta ride to a restaurant in the desert. On a camel.” Lightning said as everyone looked at a bunch of camels.

As the other teams ran to their camels, Sanders decided to ask Yusuf, “Hey, is there a restaurant around here?” she asked.

Yusuf did not respond because he didn’t speak English, so Sanders did that thing where some people think talking loudly and slowly will help them understand, “A rest-o-raunt! We looking for-“ she said before MacArthur thankfully pulled her away.

“Easy, Sanders. He’s not deaf, he just speaks a different language. Sorry about that.” she said… before doing the exact same thing, “I am sore-ee! Apologizeio! You understand!?”

Cut to the four teams on their camels, “Ugh, gross! Man do, these camels stink!” Carrie said.

MacArthur smelled her armpit and grimaced, “She’s right! It’s, uh, it’s definitely the camels!”

“As the first teams head off into the desert, flight number two arrives in Morocco.” Don’s voiceover said as the teams on flight two ran to the Don Box, grabbed their tips, and made their way to the taxis, though Taylor and Kelly lagged behind.

“Taxi! Hurry up, Mom!” Taylor demanded.

Cut to a shot of the plane, “Meanwhile, flight number three is finally in the air as the teams discuss some strategy.” Don said. The camera showed Geoff and Brody not doing that and instead eating pretzels.

“If you try it with a higher arc, you’re boss.” Geoff said.

“I won’t let you down, dude.” Brody replied as he tossed a pretzel into a snoring Gerry’s mouth. He and Pete were already covered in pretzels, “Score!”

Cut to the Reality TV Pros, Father and Son, and BFFFLs at the spice kiosk, “Um… I, uh… hm….” Owen said as he looked at the spices.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“Picking spices wasn’t easy. But I didn’t panic!”

Owen then panicked, “Why do you all look the same!?” he yelled before running off, Noah trying his best to catch him. Dwayne looked at him with sympathy.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“It’s not a man’s job to know spices. It ancient times, women were the spice collectors and men were the hunters! Ah, those were the days. Men had the power, and-“

“…you know mom’s gonna see this on tv, right?”

“…and times have changed. For the better. Yay.”

“This should do.” Sadie said as she held up her and Katie’s bag, only to turn and see the approaching taxis.

“Oh no, the other teams are coming! We’re gonna fall behind!” Junior said worriedly.

“Uh, let’s just pick out any five!” Dwayne said.

“Good plan. Just give us the five closest to you. Come on man, snap to it! My teammate will eat anything, I once saw him chow down on half a shower curtain!” Noah said.

“There were pictures of cupcakes on it!” Owen said.

—Interview: Ellody and Mary—

“We predict there’s an eating element to the next challenge, so picking the right spices is of the upmost importance.”

“Cumin, cinnamon, paprika, saffron, ginger.” Mary and Miles said in unison as they pointed to the same containers.

“That was surprisingly elementary.” Ellody said.

“I know, right?” Laurie agreed.

“Are you guys having some trouble?” Katie asked as she and Sadie watched Noah try to lift him and Owen’s camel to its feet.

“Darn thing… won’t… get up…!”

“Don’t worry, Izzy taught me some camelese!” Owen said before making camel noises.

“As more teams reach the spice kiosk, flight number three has finally arrived in Morocco. They’ll need to hurry if they hope to catch any of the teams already in search of the culinary.” Don’s voiceover said.

The camera cut to the Pros and BFFFLs’ camels just ahead of the Father and Son’s. Dwayne was continuously slapping the camel’s hump, “Yah! Faster, boy! Yah!” he said before the camel let out a groan.

“Dad, I think the camel’s going to pass out….” Junior said.

“Not to worry, son, camels are the ships of the desert! They’re tireless!” Dwayne said. He slapped the camel again and it passed out, “Oh great, ours is broken.”

Cut to the Sisters alone at the spice kiosk, “Okay, last one. Cumin, cumin… which one is cumin….” Emma asked herself.

“I think it’s this one.” Kitty said as Mickey and Jay’s taxi arrived.

“This is no time for guessing games, Kit! Uh, I dunno, this one?” Emma said as she pointed at a container.

“So you can guess but I can’t?”

“Mine is an educated guess. Can you please not throw a temper tantrum right now!?” Emma asked. Kitty was baffled at her sister’s lack of self awareness, “Hurry up!”

As Kitty and Emma left, Jay looked at a container, “Is this one cinnamon?” he asked before sneezing, causing it to fly everywhere.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“Adding cinnamon to our allergy list.”

Leonard and Tammy ran up next, “Greetings! Do you accept Dragon Coin?” Leonard asked as he pulled out a pile of doubloons. Tammy looked baffled.

“The last teams gather spices, but they’ve still got a long journey ahead of them.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed Laurie and Miles walking with their camel.

—Interview: Laurie and Miles—

“Our camel, Rami, was beautiful, and deserts are really hot! If we win the million, we’re launching a stop riding camels campaign!”

“Take hikes, not humps!”

“…for the love of all that is good and holy, pick a better slogan.”

Cut to Leonard and Tammy getting their spice bag.

—Interview: Leonard and Tammy—

“We’re currently in last place, but that’s no cause for concern.”

“We were delayed because Leonard kept insisting on paying the spice guy in Dragon Coin.”

“And he’ll rue that choice when Armetheus the Dragon Ruler takes the throne!”

“Leonard. Please. Stop.”

“Things are starting to heat up as the Cadets are the first to reach the desert restaurant.” Don’s voiceover said as the Police Cadets did just that.

“There’s the Don Box!” Sanders said as she hopped off of her camel while MacArthur fell off of it.

“Ugh, I can’t take this heat! Someone turn off the sun!” MacArthur cried out.

Sanders grabbed the tip, “‘It’s a Botch-or-Watch challenge. Just Stew It.’” she read.

“That’s a challenge only one of us does, right?” MacArthur asked.

“Yes MacArthur, that’s right.” Don’s voiceover said, though obviously she couldn’t hear him because that was added in post.

“‘Hand your spices to the chef so he can add them to a bowl of Moroccan stew, which one of you must eat.’” Sanders read.

“Ugh… I hope we picked the right spices, or this could get ugly fast….” MacArthur said.

“‘When you’ve finished your stew, race on foot as fast as you can to the Chill Zone, because….’” Sanders read before the camera cut to Don at the Chill Zone.

“The last team to meet me here may be cut from the race.” Don finished.

The chef handed the Cadets the stew, “I can’t do it! I’m sweating like a perp being questioned inside a hot dog cart!” MacArthur said.

“Okay, eww.” Sanders said as she grabbed the bowl while the Best Friends, Ice Dancers, and Brain and Brawn arrived.

“Come on, Bunbun! Don’t let us down!” Josee said to a rabbit’s foot in her hands,

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“I’m not superstitious at all. I just believe that this rabbit’s foot is responsible for everything good in my life.”

“Can I rub it?”

Josee laughed, “Of course you can’t!”

Meanwhile, Dwayne was still trying to pull he and Junior’s camel as the LARPers passed them, “I don’t wish to overstep, but it’s faster if you ride the camel.” Leonard said with a frankly unprecedented air of cockiness.

“Well thank you very much!” Dwayne yelled angrily.

“You’re welcome!” Tammy yelled back.

“Greetings, ladies!” Leonard said as he and Tammy passed by the Vegans.

“Thought you might wanna know you’re still not in last!” Tammy said.

“Take hikes, not humps!” Miles repeated.

“…I feel insulted.”

“Please. Come up with a better slogan. I beg of you.” Laurie said to her partner.

—Interview: Laurie and Miles—

“Miles and I became friends when we met at an anti-meat meeting.”

“When Laurie suggested we call them ‘ings’ instead of meetings, I knew we were meant to be together.”

“I was mostly joking when I- wait, how exactly do you mean that?”

“What do you mean?”

“The whole ‘together’ thing...? Because like… I mean, uh….”

“Wait, uh, are we not…? I thought we were, uh….”

While Laurie and Miles questioned if each other had a different view on what kind of relationship they had, the camera cut to most of the other teams on camels, “While the LARPers dig themselves out of last place, the race for first heats up as more teams dive into the restaurant challenge.” Don announced before the camera cut to several teams arriving.

Carrie watched Devin drink their stew bowl before sighing wistfully, “Oh, Devin….” she said.

“Hey, I thought your team name was ‘Best Friends’?” Sadie asked smugly as she approached her.

“Um… that… that was… I was just….” Carrie stammered nervously as Sadie got more and more of a knowing look on her face. Carrie sighed, “Okay, I’ve watched Total Drama and I know you won’t blab about this, so… I love him! I’ve loved him since we were four and he peed in our turtle pool!”

“Huh?” Sadie asked in utter confusion.

“I mean, that’s obviously not why I love him, it’s just when it started. It went away for a while, but now it’s back full force! But after all this time, how do I tell him!? And what if he doesn’t feel the same way!?”

Sadie sighed, “I guess we’re in the same boat, huh?” she asked before looking at Katie trying to drink the stew but having to stop every five seconds.

“I don’t think we picked the right spices!” Katie yelled.

Sadie chuckled, “You’re doing great!” she yelled back before turning back to Carrie.

“Crushing on your childhood best friend is hard….” Carrie said.

“Tell me about it. I wanna just run up to her and say, ‘Hey, I’m head over heels in love with you!’, but I’m pretty sure she’s crushing on someone else….”

“And Devin’s got a girlfriend already, Maggie. Ugh.” Carrie said before looking at the camera that was recording their whole conversation, “…who will see this on tv.”

“And Katie’s gonna see this, too….”

Carrie facepalmed, “What are we doing!?” she asked.

Just then, Devin held up the bowl and cheered, “Yeah! Done! Wahoo! Come on, we’re in first!” Devin yelled to Carrie.

“Nice!” she replied before turning back to Sadie, “Well, uh, good luck!”

“Yeah, you too!” Sadie said as Carrie ran over to Devin.

Meanwhile, several other teams were arriving. The Tennis Rivals’ camel was running incredibly fast and launched them off into the restaurant at full speed.

Meanwhile, Sanders was taking small sips of the stew before wiping her face with a napkin after every single sip. MacArthur felt herself going insane while watching, “Stop wiping your face and chug!” she yelled.

“This is how civilized people eat.” Sanders replied.

“This isn’t a tea party, it’s a race for a million dollars! Chug!” MacArthur said before holding open Sanders’ mouth and pouring the rest in before holding up the empty bowl, “Freeze! I mean, done! Woo!”

Sanders looked somewhat baffled, “Oh, allow me to get that for you, Princess.” MacArthur said before rubbing Sanders face with the napkin incredibly quickly. If anything, that made it worse.

Meanwhile, Jacques was cheering as Josee chugged her stew elegantly, “A wonderful performance of grace and efficiency! Bravo!” she said.

“Uh-oh! Move it!” MacArthur said.

Cut to Devin and Carrie running before Carrie tripped. Without missing a beat, Devin picked her up, “Gotcha, homie!” he said.

“Woah! Easy, Romeo.” Carrie replied.

—Interview: Devin and Carrie—

“I wonder if it’s as easy for the other teams to be this close. I mean, we’re such good friends that for us it’s like, whatever.”

“Yeah, uh, totally! Friends….”

Meanwhile, some of the other teams were fairing quite well. Crimson didn’t seem to be having much trouble with her stew, and neither did Ryan. That didn’t stop Stephanie from cheering him on, however, “Do it, baby! Show that stew you’re the man!” she said.

In contrast, Brody and Mary felt like they were dying with each sip of the bowl while their partners watched obliviously and chatted with each other, “When I first met Brody, he was eating a cat’s hairball on a dare. It was pure awesome!” Geoff said.

“I met Mary at an engineering student’s potluck dinner. We both brought Pi Chart pies. And so did twelve other students… but something about Mary and I just… clicked.” Ellody said happily.

Geoff chuckled, “Man, now I want pie.”

Meanwhile, Owen’s face was incredibly red as he tried to eat the stew, “Hot! Hot! Hot! I think we picked the wrong spices!” he said.

“T-tell me about it….” Katie said as she took another sip of her bowl.

“C’mon, Owen, you’re about as picky as a raccoon.” Noah said.

“You’ve totally got this, Katie!” Sadie said.

Meanwhile, MacArthur and Sanders were moving towards the Chill Zone, though Sanders was clutching her stomach, “Oh, I think I’ve got a stew cramp….” she said.

“Never leave a man behind.” MacArthur said as she picked Sanders up over her shoulder and began running.

“Ow! This hurts, too!”

“Not my fault you’ve got no meat on your bones.”

Cut back to those still drinking the stew, “Ha! Done!” Gerry yelled.

“How are they already finished!? They were some of the last people here!” Noah said in confusion. He then noticed how: Pete poured the entire bowl in his mouth at once and hadn’t even begun trying to swallow any of the stew yet.

“Ugh….” Emma said as she coughed a bit.

“C’mon, Emma! You can do it!” Kitty said.

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“We chose some of the wrong spices.”

“Um, you chose all the spices.” Emma glared at her, making Kitty nervous, “Which is good, because I was just gonna guess! Heh heh, phew!”

“Woah, slow down, Tom! You don’t wanna get anything on that shirt!” Jen said as Tom drank the stew.

Tom gasped, “You are so right! Can you image!?” he asked.

“I hate the way you eat!” Lorenzo yelled at Chet, only for him to spit his stew at his face, “Focus on the challenge, dork! …I hate the way you slurp!”

Cut back to Carrie and Devin, “This is taking a while! We’re not lost, are we!?” Devin asked.

“No, look! It’s right there!” Carrie yelled. They cheered as they ran between two palm trees and onto the Carpet of Completion, where Don was waiting.

“Welcome to the Chill Zone. You’re the first team to arrive, congrats.” he said as the duo cheered.

“We did it! We did it! Man… I wish I could call Maggie.” Devin said.

“Yeah. Maggie.” Carrie said as she chuckled nervously.

—Interview: Devin and Carrie—

“Coming in first is a bit of a shock! I mean, I knew we’d be a great team, but….”

“First place round one? Wow!”

Cut back to Owen panting as he drank more of the stew, “Need… need… water!” he yelled. He then noticed a camel drooling. As he ran over, Katie blocked him.

“No! You know how squeamish I can get, no!” Katie yelled. Unfortunately, the thought made nearby teams hear and nearly puke at the thought.

“You better keep that down, Chet, or we’ll lose!” Lorenzo said.

—Interview: Lorenzo and Chet—

“My dad is a motivational speaker, and he’s taught me everything there is to know!”

“Swallow! Do it! Do it!” Lorenzo yelled as Chet reluctantly kept his puke down.

“My barf was actually less spicy than the stew….” Chet said.

“They must not have picked the right spices.” Leonard said as he and Tammy arrived, with Laurie and Miles trailing not far behind, though they were still in the midst of their own awkward conversation about the nature of their relationship.

“Look, I don’t know, I just… y’know, we spend like…. basically all our time together, and….” Miles said awkwardly.

“Yeah, but I didn’t think that was like… y’know, as… l-look, we’ve gotta put this aside for a bit and finish the challenge.” Laurie said.

“I… yeah, alright.”

Meanwhile, MacArthur was still running with Sanders over her shoulder, “This hurts so bad!” Sanders yelled before heading Jacques laughing from behind her.

“Huh?” MacArthur said as she turned her head to see Jacques lifting Josee above his head with one hand, “Well that’s just creepy.”

Jacques said waved smugly as he passed the Cadets… only to run into a bush. MacArthur chuckled, “Later, skaters! You see what I did there?” she asked Sanders.

“Yeah.”

“Cuz they’re actually skaters.”

“Yeah, I got it.”

As more teams finished their stew, the Cadets and Ice Dancers continued their bitter race for… second place. MacArthur leapt and landed on the Carpet of Completion just before them, “Hey, who called the cops? What fun. You’re second place, well done.” Don said.

“Alright! Yeah!” MacArthur yelled as she dropped Sanders.

Don turned to the Ice Dancers, “So, as a Canadian ice dancing team, you probably hear this a lot. Third place!” he said. Josee smiled in rage.

—Interview: Ice Dancers—

Josee was throwing things everywhere in a blind rage.

“Haha, yeah!” Pete yelled as he and Gerry arrived.

“What the-!? You two were in flight number three!? How’d you get here fourth!? What happened to the other teams!?” Don asked.

“They’re moving a lot faster now!” Lightning said as he and B ran onto the carpet.

“Alright, Brain and Brawn fifth!” Don said.

“Sha-yeah!” Lightning said.

The camera showed Don announcing more teams as they arrived, “Daters sixth! Surfer Dudes in seventh! Geniuses, you’re eighth! Reality TV Pros in ninth followed by the BFFFLs in tenth! Rockers take eleventh! Fashion Bloggers in twelfth! Sisters, thirteenth!” he said.

“Thirteenth!? You have to start doing more!” Emma said to Kitty.

“I would love to do more, please!” Kitty said.

“I’ll tell you when you can do more, okay!? I will tell you!” Emma said. Kitty sighed.

Cut to Dwayne and Junior finally arriving at the restaurant, “Get up, you have to eat the stew!” Junior said.

“I’m… I’m coming! In a minute!” Dwayne said as he caught his breath.

“My mom’s done!” Taylor yelled before running off.

“N-not so fast!” Kelly yelled as she tried to keep up with her.

“We’re done!” Lorenzo said.

“Oh, I don’t feel so good….” Chet said as they stared running.

“That’s because you ate puke, puke eater!”

“You’re a puke-eater watcher!”

—Interview: Junior—

“I didn’t sign up for this show and I don’t really want to be here, but now that I am, I sure don’t wanna be the first team kicked out!”

“Come on, Dad! Like you always tell me, never say quit!” Junior said.

“Actually pal, it’s never say never.” Dwayne replied.

“I don’t really listen to you, just get up and eat!”

Cut to more teams arriving at the Chill Zone, “Fourteenth!” Don called as the Adversity Twins arrived.

“Wahoo!” they said in unison.

“Mother and Daughter in fifteenth. Goths take sixteenth. Stepbrothers, seventeenth. That leaves the Vegans, LARPers, and Father and Son. One of these teams may be heading home.” Don announced. Leonard and Miles weren’t having much issue with their stew, whereas the Father and Son’s had just finished cooking.

“I hope we picked the right spices.” Dwayne said. A fly then landed in the stew. And caught on fire.

“Dad, we’re in last place. You’ve gotta hurry and down this stew!” Junior said.

“Level completed!” Tammy announced as she threw confetti.

“Onward to victory!” Leonard said as they ran off.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“So, what’s a little spice. Yeah, let’s do this thang! Heh, thang. I sound like a kid when I talk like that.”

“You really don’t.”

Dwayne let out a battle cry as he began putting the stew into his mouth, “Wow.” Junior said, impressed.

“We’re done!” Laurie said as she and Miles ran pat them just as Dwayne finished the stew.

“Done!” Junior said. And then his dad went cross-eyed.

“Oh no! I can’t see! Temporary blindness!” he said in a panic.

“Come on!” Junior said as he grabbed his arm and began running.

“Yes! We’re catching up!” Miles said as she and Laurie got closer to the LARPers.

—Interview: Laurie and Miles—

“It’s so early in the race, it would be a shame to be sent home now.”

“But, I did give Rami the camel my email address, so I hope to keep in touch.”

—Interview: Tammy and Leonard—

Tammy held her head in her hands, “They were beginning to catch up. So tell them what you did!”

Leonard looked awkward, “…I used magic…?”

As they were running, Leonard suddenly stopped and pulled out a staff, “Spell of slumber!” he yelled.

“What the-!? What are you doing!?” Tammy yelled as the other four passed them.

“Why isn’t this working!?”

“Because you’re not- that’s not even a Druid spell, you- come on!” Tammy yelled as she grabbed his arm and desperately tried to catch up.

Don watched as the three teams rapidly approached the Chill Zone. Then, one arrived, “Congrats, Vegans. You’re eighteenth.” Don announced.

“Yes!” Miles said before hugging Laurie, only to back off, “Wait, can I… or is that, uh….”

“Well, I don’t… I don’t know, what are we?” Laurie asked as they walked off.

“And here comes nineteenth!” Don announced as Junior and Dwayne ran onto the Carpet, though Dwayne didn’t stop.

“Are there any trees!? Warn me if you see a tree!” Dwayne yelled.

“We’re almost there, dad!” Junior called out.

“How long are you gonna let him run for?” Don asked.

“I just needed a little break.”

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“Nineteenth place!? We have got to do better, pal! Oh, I know, we’re gonna stay up all night and talk strategy!”

“…great.”

Cut to Leonard and Tammy approaching Don, “The Ridonculous Race is about skill. It’s about determination. It’s not about magic.” he said.

“I told him that before we got here, but did he listen? No. Why would he?” Tammy said.

“Sorry….” Leonard said.

“You’re done.” Don said.

“I think we could’ve done better.” Tammy said as a montage of their short time in the show played.

“I got to do a lot of things I never tried before, so that’s something.” Leonard said.

“Y’know, despite your blunder, I’m glad we did this together. We can share this memory. And learning experience.”

“I still don’t get why we have to walk back to the airport….” Leonard said as the episode ended on Leonard and Tammy walking back through the desert together.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, wasted shopping for spices and cameling through the Moroccan desert, our teams built up a healthy appetite, and I lost mine. The winners were Best Friends Carrie and Devin. In my book, everyone else was a loser, but we could only eliminate one team, and it needed up being the LARPers thanks to Leonard’s delusions. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not too sad about it. But that was then, and this… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open on Don at the Chill Zone, “Yesterday’s Chill Zone is today’s starting line. Teams depart in the order they arrived, starting with yesterday’s winners, the intriguingly platonic Best Friends.” Don said as Carrie grabbed the tip from the Don Box and handed it to Devin.

“Ah, wow! Looks like we’re going to Paris!” Devin said.

“No way!” Carrie replied happily.

A montage of photos from Paris played, “Paris, France. Home of the Mona Lisa, tiny coffees, and other things that annoy me like you wouldn’t believe.” Don said as the montage showed a mime, “Once in Pairs, teams must make their way here, to the Eiffel Tower, and find their next tip.”

Carrie and Devin ran to the nearby mopeds and got going, “Wahoo! Let’s go!” Carrie cheered.

—Interview: Carrie and Devin—

“I’m so excited! Paris is the most romantic place in the world!”

“Yeah, and after I win the million, I’m going back to Paris! With Maggie!”

“Yeah… right….” she looked at the ground sadly.

“I miss you so much, baby!”

Cut to MacArthur reading the travel tip, “‘There’s nothing Eiffel about the Parisian landmark.’” she read.

“Eiffel Tower, Paris! Let’s roll!” Sanders said.

Cut back to Devin and Carrie, “Almost there! Can you loosen your grip, homie?” he asked, only for the two of them to hear a fake siren.

“Wee-oo! Wee-oo! Move aside, emergency police business!” MacArthur said as the passed them.

“Wait, isn’t that one of the other teams?” Carrie asked.

“Yes!” MacArthur said as she and Sanders high-fived. Just then, the Ice Dancers passed them, smiling and waving at the camera the whole time. And then the Tennis Rivals passed the Ice Dancers.

“Ha! You snooze you lose!” Gerry yelled… only to drive right into a sign, allowing the other three teams to pass them again.

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“Being sports heroes, we never know when the cameras  be on us, so we have to smile all the time!”

“All the time! Even in our sleep!”

“It’s very painful!”

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“What’s with those Ice Dancers? Do they ever stop smiling? Do they sleep that way!? Do they cry smiling!? I’m gonna find out!”

Sanders chuckled, “She gets a little fixated.”

Cut to some of the other teams, such as the Sisters and Mother and Daughter, driving along. Meanwhile, the Adversity Twins drove through a sign. Crimson put up a parasol as Ennui began driving while she watched the Fashion Bloggers loading a carpet into their moped.

—Interview: Jen and Tom—

“If we had known the fashion capital of the universe was our next stop, we might not have spent so much on a hand-woven Moroccan carpet.”

They spoke in unison, “Paris! Eeee!”

Jacques and Josee slid into the airport as extravagantly as possible, “Two for Paris! Do you offer upgrades for Olympians?” Josee asked.

“Ah, yes. Free upgrade for all gold medal peoples, mm-hm.” the man at the counter said.

“Economy is fine.” Josee said bitterly as the Cadets, Ice Dancers, Tennis Rivals, Brain and Brawn, and Daters ran in. And then the Surfer Dudes drove their moped into the airport.

—Interview: Brody and Geoff—

“I love mopeds! I tried to jump one over my pool last summer and it ended up smashing through my neighbor’s gazebo!” the duo laughed.

“Dude, but we shouldn’t laugh. You totally ruined that wedding.” the duo laughed again, “Free cake! Totally worth me having to bail you out!”

Meanwhile, Chet was still driving his moped. Whole Lorenzo had his hands over his eyes, “Get your hands off my face!” he yelled.

“Get your face off my hands!” Lorenzo yelled back. By some miracle, they managed to pass the Fashion Bloggers.

“The carpet’s slowing us down! Ditch it!” Jen said.

“But….” Tom began.

“Tom. We’re going to Paris.”

Tom sighed sadly, “Oh, you’re free. Fly!” he said before letting it go… and then it slammed into Dwayne and Junior, causing them to crash. Yet, somehow, they weren’t last. Because the Vegans were pedaling their moped. …while still discussing the nature of their relationship.

—Interview: Laurie and Miles—

“We walked our camel through the desert yesterday so he could stay hydrated.”

“And today, we’re pedaling our moped so we don’t use its fuel.” she gasped, “I wish there was a way we could give this moped to our camel! Right?”

Miles said nothing to that.

Cut to Tom and Jen noticing Dwayne and Junior walking into the airport, very bruised up, “Oh no, what happed to you?” Jen asked.

“Strangest thing, hit by a carpet! It could’ve killed us!” Dwayne replied. Tom and Jen’s eyes widened before they started nervously chuckling and backing away, much to the confusion of Dwayne and Junior.

Don began a voiceover, “Nine teams wait anxiously at the airport to board flight number two, which doesn’t take off for another hour and a half, so we covered it with sad face stickers, which is hilarious. But the first ten teams are already Paris-bound on flight number one.” Don announced as the camera showed the Best Friends and Daters eating the in-flight snacks, the Police Cadets reading a travel brochure, the Reality TV Pros (or more specifically Owen) talking with the BFFFLs, the Tennis Rivals and Ice Dancers sleeping, the Surfer Dudes struggling to open their chips, the Geniuses reading books, and B also reading a book while Lightning lifted a weight.

To save the time of watching people just sit on a plane, they cut to the plane landing, “Flight number one has landed, and the race for first place is on!” Don announced as the center’s showed the teams running into their taxis and giving directions.

Cut to the Ice Dancers’ taxi arriving at the Eiffel Tower, “Golf medal! WahAAAAH!” Josee yelled as the Police Cadets’ taxi rear-ended them.

“Nailed it!” MacArthur said because apparently she drove the taxi before running to the Don Box and getting the tip, “Huh, it’s another Botch or Watch.”

Cut to Don standing next to a tip giver who resembled Van Gogh and stack of notebooks, “In this Botch or Watch, whoever didn’t easy the stew in Morocco must draw a caricature of their partner. When this local French artist approves of the drawing, they’ll receive their next tip.” he explained as seven other taxis drove up. Some people, like Brody, Josee, Ryan, Lightning, Owen, Katie, and Sanders posed for their respective partners, while Mary and Devin just stood neutrally for theirs, not that it dissuaded either Ellody or Carrie from looking lovingly at them.

“This just in, flight number two has landed!” Don announced as the camera showed the remaining teams running out of the airport, “As remaining teams head for the Eiffel Tower, teams from flight number one strain to finish the first challenge.”

“Donesters!” Geoff said as he handed a drawing of Brody flexing that was drawn on the level of artistry you’d expect from Geoff to the tip giver.

“Dude, you drew me awesome!” Brody said. The tip giver gave a thumbs up as he handed the Surfers their tip while they high-fived.

“‘Go down, down, down, find the cheese so round, where your next tip is found.’ Huh?” Geoff asked after reading the tip, only to see a rat run into a manhole with a sign pointing to it, “Ah yeah, we’re swimming with rats!”

Cut to Don below ground holding a flashlight, “Welcome to the catacombs, where ancient Parisians buried the victims of the plague. Teams must use their noses to navigate this maze of tunnels and find the correct exit and their next travel tip, hidden amongst these wheels of Roquefort cheese.” he explained.

Cut to Tom and Jen’s cab, “So, since Paris is like the City of Love, have any of the other competitors caught your eye?” Jen asked.

“Eh, none of the guys we’re up against are really my type.”

“Well I think a lot of the girls are gorgeous.”

“Then maybe you’ll finally find a girlfriend. You know I’m in your corner!” Tom said. And then their cab got a flat tire. And then they looked out the window. And saw a clothing store. That was on sale, “A flat tire in luxury boutique heaven during a one-night only midnight madness event, come on!”

“The universe wants us to go shopping, it’s fate!”

“Or… the ultimate test of our wills.”

“We are already behind, we can’t just stop, drop, and shop.”

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

“If we come in last, we’re probably going home.”

“And hello, the longer we stay on the race, the longer we can promote our blog,” they began speaking in unison, “Now Trending with Tom and Jen!”

“…of course, it is going to take a few minutes to fix that tire….”

The duo squealed as they ran in for the fastest shopping spree of their lives.

Cut to the tip giver denying Carrie’s drawing, “What do you mean, ‘no’, Carrie’s literally an art student!” Devin said.

The tip giver showed Devin the drawing. It wasn’t a caricature per se, more so… a picture of a quite muscular Devin naked with rose buds and cherubs surrounding him and covering his crotch.

Without missing a beat, Devin said, “Oh, I get it. It’s too realistic.” completely unironically.

Meanwhile, Owen was posing so that it looked like he was eating the Eiffel Tower. He looked to see Katie posing by giving a peace sign, also seeing that Sadie was looking at her lovestruck, which as per usual, Katie didn’t notice. Owen whispered quietly so that only she could hear him, “Psst, Katie!”

“What?” Katie whispered back.

“We’re in Paris again! Are you gonna tell Sadie how you feel while we’re here?”

Katie felt her face go red, “W-what!? N-no! It’s too risky!” she whispered.

Owen sighed, “Katie, remember when we here two years ago?” he asked.

“You mean when we had to collect those sculpture pieces?”

“Yeah! Remember how you were sad about Sadie and how you were too scared to ask her out?”

“…yeah. And you told me-“

“Every relationship’s gotta take a risk to start! And you told me you were gonna tell her eventually!”

“…yeah, I know….”

“It’s been two years, and you two are just as close, if not closer. She told us she’s bi, remember? You don’t have to worry about her not liking girls.”

Katie chuckled, “Sorry, just thinking about how Izzy threw a party for all of our friend group being queer.”

Owen chuckled too, “Yeah, she’s so funny. Shame she and Eva were too busy for this race... anyway, two years ago, in this country, we had basically this same conversation, and you promised me you’d tell her eventually. Do you really wanna keep spending all this time just pining after her and not saying anything about it?”

“…no, it’s eating me up inside that I haven’t said anything. …I’m just… not ready yet.”

Owen sighed, “Oh well… look, when you-“

“…but I will be.”

“Huh?”

“You’re right. I can’t keep hiding how I feel about her. I’m making a promise right now. Before this race ends, I’m gonna tell her. I… I don’t know what’ll happen from there… but I’m gonna tell her. You have my word.”

“Really? That’s awesome! If you need help, I’m here for ya! Noah’s still in a bit of a funk right now, but he’ll probably try and help too. Maybe you can ask Geoff for help too! Or even B! Or Lightning!”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll need Lightning’s help.” she whispered before she and Owen chuckled, “But I promise, I’ll tell her. I’m… not sure how many challenges it’ll take for me to be ready, but I’ll be ready soon.”

“That’s awesome! I’d hug you, but Noah looks really concentrated on my pose right now.”

“Yeah, my arm hurts from being stuck out like this for so long.” Katie whispered back as she and Owen chuckled.

Cut to Emma posing by reading a book whilst Kitty drew her, “So, are you dating anyone new at university?” Kitty asked.

“Yeah, his name’s international and competitive antitrust law curriculum.” Emma replied dryly.

“…I’m thinking about getting a pixie cut.”

“NO-“

—Interview: Kitty and Emma—

“Emma’s always been the serious one, but ever since her boyfriend Jake broke up with her two years ago, she’s been super-“

“Fine! I’ve been super fine! And I don’t need a boyfriend, I need a law degree and I need my kid sister to focus on the game!”

“…and a partner.”

“Ugh!”

Cut to most of the other teams arriving at the Eiffel Tower and grabbing their pencil and sketchpad. Well, Mickey was struggling to do that, “C’mon, Mickey! Show that pencil who’s boss! It’s two of us and just one of it!” Jay said.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“It was a Tuesday morning.” before Jay could say anything else, Mickey began screeching in terror, “…okay.”

Cut to the Pros, BFFFLs, and the tip giver laughing at Noah’s drawing of Owen eating the Eiffel Tower.

Cut to the Tennis Rivals’ taxi stopping in front of a goat in the road. The duo woke up from their nap, “Are we there yet?” Gerry asked.

“You old men never told me where to go.” the driver responded.

“Hey, we’re older, but that doesn’t mean we’re old!” Pete responded.

—Interview: Gerry and Pete—

“We’ve got the same energy as all the other teams! From about 5am to 4pm….”

“Yeah, after that we get a little groggy.”

“Groggy!? I haven’t seen the moon since 2003!” they laughed.

“Oh really? Because I’ve got a moon for ya! Right here!” he pointed at his rear and the duo laughed again.

“Wait, you just kept driving without any direction!?” Pete asked.

“You two went to sleep immediately.” the driver responded.

“To the Eiffel Tower, go, go!” Gerry said.

Cut to the Daters walking through the catacombs, “If you got the plague, I wouldn’t be throw myself on your boil-covered body and wait until I got infected to do that we could die at the exact same time in same way.” Ryan said.

“That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Stephanie replied. And then they kissed. They also didn’t notice B and Lightning seeing the exchange from just a few feet away.

“…that’s not how that works, is it?” Lightning asked. B shook his head.

Cut back to the Sisters, “It needs at least four exaggerations to be caricature.” Emma said.

“I have way more than that.” Kitty replied smugly.

“Do you want to look alive in this?” Ennui asked Crimson as he started drawing.

“Thank gosh I’m the one drawing.” Taylor said as she sketched her mom.

—Interview: Taylor and Kelly—

“I’m like a really good artist, for sure the best in my class, and probably the whole planet.”

“I’m not bad. I actually went to art school for two years before I quit to have Taylor.”

“OMG mom, it doesn’t always have to be about you.”

Cut to Tom and Jen running to the Eiffel Tower with several shopping bags in hand, “Getting that flat tire was the best thing that ever happened to us.” Jen said.

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

“I’ve never shopped so fast in another language in my life!”

“So worth it though! I mean, finding rock-studded leather leggings in North America? Ha, good luck.”

“Truth!”

Cut to more teams showing the tip giver their drawing, such as Carrie showing a more normal picture of Devin, Junior showing an almost Muppet-like drawing of his father, and Jay showing a very scribbly drawing of Mickey. The tip giver gave them all a thumbs up, “Hurry, c’mon!” Carrie said to Devin as she hopped into the manhole, the Father and Son and Adversity Twins not far behind them.

“Ugh, I hope I don’t get the plague again.” Jay said.

Cut to the Vegans, Rockers, and Tennis Rivals arriving at the Tower, “Come on, come on!” Pete said.

—Interview: Gerry and Pete—

“It’s nice to be back on tv. All our sponsorship deals dried up a few years ago.”

“Ha, try thirty!”

“The last time he did a commercial, the internet didn’t exist!”

“And neither did the hair on your ears!” the duo never once stopped laughing.

Cut to the Police Cadets coming to a set of three tunnels in the catacombs. MacArthur stopped to sniff the air, “Okay, what are you doing?” Sanders asked.

“I trained my nose so I can work alongside the canine unit on border crossing instead of just bossing them around.”

“Uh-“

“People think they can bring oranges into any country they want. Not on my watch, sister!” she sniffed the air again, “This one! I’m going in!”

MacArthur ran into the middle tunnel and screamed. Sanders ran in after her… and saw that she had a very clearly plastic skeleton on top of her.

“As the Parisian catacombs extend a warm welcome to some of the teams, others are still drawing the first challenge to a conclusion.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed the Stepbrothers, Fashion Bloggers, Geniuses, Sisters, Goths, Mother and Daughter, Vegans, Rockers, and Tennis Rivals still working on their drawings. Jen showed her drawing of a cartoony Tom posing to the tip giver and got the tip, “Heh, drawing. See what I did there?”

Soon after, Rock gave his drawing to the tip giver. He evidently misunderstood the challenge, as it was a drawing of himself, but the tip giver approved it anyway, prompting the Rockers to do air guitar motions again. The tip giver gladly approved Kitty’s drawing of a grouchy looking Emma with horns, fangs, and a storm cloud above her head, much to Emma’s chagrin. Lorenzo gave a sloppy looking picture of Chet’s face on a garbage bag to the tip giver while Ennui gave him a very well shaded drawing of Crimson as a vampire, both of which he approved. He then approved Ellody’s drawing of Mary with a large brain (that also had a few hearts drawn around it). The tip giver was promptly taken aback by Taylor’s drawing of her mom as Frankenstein’s Bride, but it honestly didn’t look too bad and sure was a caricature, so he approved it.

Cut to the Pros and BFFFLs in the catacombs, “Here, cheesy cheese!” Owen said before whistling.

“If we had any kind of a lead, we’ve lost it by now.” Noah said.

“Come on, Noah. We’re doing fine.” Sadie said.

Noah then came to a halt when he noticed a skull on the ground, “No, I’ve seen that skull before! Aww, man, we’re going in circles!”

“I don’t think we’re too good with tomb exploration….” Katie said.

“Uh, is there a restroom around here?” Owen said.

—Interview: Katie, Noah, and Sadie—

This confessional, like some others, was filmed on location, with Owen visibly seen running around in the background, “Owen hasn’t, y’know, gone since we ate that crazy stew in Morocco, so we knew this would happen eventually. We just didn’t know when.”

“And of course, it happened at the worst possible time because reality tv hates me.”

Cut to the Surfer Dudes approaching a dead end, “Aww, man, that’s the third dead-ended we’ve hit!” Brody said.

“Chill brah, if we hit all the dead ends, the only path left will be the right one!” Geoff replied.

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

“We’re both glass half full guys, k? But since there’s two of us, I can just pour my glass into his, and boom! We’ve got a full glass.”

“Take that, science!”

They fist bumped and said “Boom.” in unison.

Cut to the tip giver approving a laughing Gerry’s drawing of Pete as a baby, which Pete didn’t seem happy about. He then approved Laurie’s drawing of Miles as a flower.

“A flower, huh? Y-y’know, we’ve picked each other flowers a lot… that’s usually a thing couples do….” Miles said awkwardly.

“Well, I dunno, I thought it was platonic!” Laurie replied just as awkwardly as the two passed the Tennis Rivals, not realizing they had intentionally slowed down.

—Interview: Pete and Gerry—

“I’ve got a plan. We follow the veggie heads until they find the cheese, then rocket past them and win the whole thing!”

“Heh, veggie heads.” the duo laughed again.

Cut to the Adversity Twins running towards a tunnel, only to see two pairs of eyes pierce through the darkness. They screamed in terror… only to see it was just the Goths, “Y-you scared us! It’s really scary down here….” Mickey said.

“Really? I’ve never been so happy.” Ennui said in a monotone voice.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“This place could be an amusement park or a camp for kids.”

Cut to MacArthur continuing to sniff the air, “Roquefort. Cave aged about… three years. …do you hear running water?” she asked. The duo ran through the nearby tunnel and found the exit, alongside nineteen giant wheels of cheese, “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! You’re coming with me!”

As MacArthur grabbed a wheel of cheese, the Ice Dancers came out of the tunnel, “Oh, if it isn’t the Smiling Silvertons.” MacArthur said, only for Josee to push a pile of cheese wheels out of the way of a sign.

“I hate silver!” she yelled.

“‘Take your cheese and sail away to where Mona Lisa’s on display.’” Jacques read.

Cut to Don standing in front of the Louvre, “The Louvre, home to many paintings I was asked to stop touching. It’s also the Chill Zone for this part of the race. Last teams to reach the carpet of competition may be out of the running. But the race for first place is kicking into high gear!” he announced as the camera showed the Ice Dancers and Police Cadets throwing their cheese wheels into the water. The Ice Dancers hopped onto theirs first and posed.

“Bye! You stink worse than this cheese float!” Josee yelled.

“You forgot your oars!” MacArthur yelled back smugly.

“Darn it!” Jacques yelled in agony.

“Jacques! You were supposed to get the oars!” Jose’s said bitterly.

“What’s French for Booyah?” MacArthur asked as she and Sanders paddled past them.

Cut to the Tennis Rivals following the Vegans through the catacombs. Both teams were having their own entirely different conversation that the other team wasn’t listening to, “If you have to crawl through catacombs to make cheese, then I’m official lactose intolerant.” Gerry said.

“Yeah? Well, I’m officially you intolerant!” Pete said as the duo laughed again.

Meanwhile, the Vegans, who very well might not have even noticed the Tennis Rivals were there, were still having the same conversation they’d been having since Morocco, “I mean, just… Laurie, we’ve literally kissed before!” Miles said.

“Yeah, because we were playing truth or dare with our friends!” Laurie replied.

“But you… you didn’t hesitate at all, I mean, I thought… I just….” Miles said before pulling on a door, only for it to be locked.

“Occupied!” Owen yelled from the other side.

“Why is there even a bathroom down here?” Pete asked.

Cut back to Tom and Jen wandering the catacombs, “Ugh, it is like so creepy in here! I feel like I’m being watched!” Tom said as Jen noticed one of the plastic skeletons production had set up, which she immediately started puppeteering.

“Hey Tom, I have a bone to pick with you!” she said as the duo started laughing, only to noticed a large shadow approaching with loud footsteps. They screamed and ran. And then Tom dropped a bag, so he ran back to get it, and then continued running away.

…the shadow was just a rat.

Cut to Devin on a wheel of cheese in the water. Carrie hopped down and he caught her in his arms, “M’lady.” he said jokingly. Other teams weren’t far behind them as they began rowing, such as the Daters, Mother and Daughter, Brain and Brawn, Adversity Twins, and Goths. The Goths weren’t actually rowing, they were just kinda standing, but they were somehow going at the same speed.

A little ways ahead of them, the Police Cadets heard the sound of rapid splashing in the water. They turned their heads and shouted, “No way!” as they saw the Ice Dancers rapidly swimming past the Surfer Dudes with their cheese.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“Missing paddles? Ha! That won’t stop us!”

“We’ve compete in far more dire situations. Jacques once got rabies from a squirrel, but that’s didn’t stop us!”

“I skated dressed as a Saint Bernard so that all the foam coming from my mouth made sense!”

“Adapting! It’s what champions do!”

“These two get creepier by the minute.” MacArthur said as the Ice Dancers passed them.

The camera cut to some of the other teams like the Sisters, Surfer Dudes, and Father and Son paddling, “Most of the teams have reached the water, but for those still in the catacombs, the big challenge is to not come in last.” Don said in voiceover as the camera cut back to the Vegans and Tennis Rivals still wandering.

—Interview: Pete and Gerry—

“We’ve made a terrible mistake.”

“I thought Vegans would be able to sniff out dairy in a second!”

“Go home now, and we’ll be lucky to land a deal for tube socks! And I hate tube socks! You never know where to put your heel!”

“Well, there goes the tube socks sponsorship.”

The duo laughed.

Cut to the Pros and BFFFLs arriving at the cheese wheel, “There’s the tip!” Katie said.

“And plenty of cheese wheels! We’re still in this!” Sadie replied as she and Katie grabbed a wheel.

Noah looked at the sign, “Okay, I’ll grab the oars, Owen, you grab the wheels, and-NO!” Noah yelled as he saw Owen had already taken a bite out of their cheese wheel.

“What, cheese is good for you!” Owen said.

Chris back to the Ice Dancers, “The Louvre! Over there!” Josee said as the hopped off the wheel of cheese. They stopped to wave at the camera, giving the Police Cadets time to pass them.

“Push it, Sanders! Feel the burn!” MacArthur said. Jacques and Josee scowled as they pulled their wheel out of the water and followed.

Cut to the Cadets arriving at the Chill Zone, “Well well, lady Cadets, you’re in first place! And the Ice Dancers have to settle for silver.” Don said as the Ice Dancers arrived.

“What, you don’t hear victory music? Probably because you didn’t win!” MacArthur gloated. Josee’s eye twitched.

Cut to other teams paddling their wheel of cheese. And then cut to the BFFFLs watching Owen and Noah awkwardly as Owen ate yet another bite of their cheese wheel, which was now so small that Noah had to sit on Owen’s shoulders, “Dude, knock it off, you’re eating our raft!” Noah said.

“Sorry, I’ll stop. Last one!” Owen said… before grabbing another piece, “Okay, last one for reals!”

Cut to the Daters, “Time to put this cheese into overdrive!” Ryan said as he tossed his oar into the air to catch it.

He didn’t catch it. And it floated away.

“Oops… babe, pass me your oar, I’ll double time it!” Ryan said as Stephanie tossed him her oar to catch it.

He didn’t catch it. And it floated away. Stephanie glared at him as he sighed.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“I’m sorry I let you down, babe.”

“It’s alright, sugar lumps, just don’t let it happen EVER again!”

Cut to Noah now paddling on top of Owen because he ate the entire cheese wheel as Katie and Sadie watched, “…y’know, it’s always a toss up whether he’s great at challenges….” Sadie began.

“…or completely ruins them.” Katie finished.

Cut to Jen tossing the last of her and Tom’s bags onto Tom, who was balancing with one leg out, which both said leg and his arms were holding the bags that couldn’t fit on the wheel. He even had one on his head, “Woah, don’t let this get wet!” Jen called down.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep things balanced. But I’m thinking… you’re gonna have to swim.” Tom said sadly.

Jen got a very determined look on her face, “I’ll do it! For the clothing!” she said dramatically. Tom gasped.

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

“This is like, a huge sacrifice. She only lets her beautician wash her hair!”

Jen did a swan dive into the water and surfaced with a frog on her head wearing her sunglasses and immediately began pushing the wheel while swimming and trying to ignore the really really cool frog on her head. That wasn’t her thoughts on the frog, that was the author’s.

Cut to the Surfer Dudes arriving at the Chill Zone, “Third place!” Don announced.

“Alright!” Geoff and Brody said in unison wrote chest bumping as a montage of other teams arriving began.

“Best Friends in fourth! Father and Son take fifth! Brain and Brawn in sixth! Stepbrothers make seventh!” Don announced.

The camera cut back to the Vegans and Tennis Rivals finally leaving the catacombs. Just as they planned, the Tennis Rivals quickly pulled ahead as they tossed their wheel into the water, while the Vegans, still distracted by their conversation… didn’t. They just hopped into the water and began swimming. The Tennis Rivals looked back and laughed.

—Interview: Pete and Gerry—

“The thing is, your age is all in your mind.”

“And in your joints!”

“And it has a little bit to do with the year you were born.”

They laughed.

Cut back to the Chill Zone where the Fashion Bloggers arrived with that epic frog still on Jen’s head, “Wow, you’re a fast swimmer. Eighth!” Don said as the team montage continued.

“Daters take ninth! Geniuses in tenth, followed by the Sisters in eleventh, and here comes you four.” Don said as the Pros and BFFFLs approached, only for Don to stop them.

“Hey, what gives?” Katie asked.

“Well, the BFFLs over here-“

“There’s three Fs, actually-“ Sadie began.

“Don’t care, you two are fine, you still get twelfth, but Noah and his Ark over here get a twenty minute penalty.”

“What!? Why!?” Owen asked.

“Because the challenge was to sail the cheese down the river, not the Owen.”

“But it’s inside me! I am cheese!”

“That you are. Now step aside and hope you’re not the last place.” Don said before going back into voiceover as the camera cut back to the other teams in the river, “While one team waiting for their penalty to end, the other five teams are battling it out towards the Carpet of Completion.”

That battle didn’t last too long, as three of those teams arrived very quickly, “Mother and Daughter in thirteenth, Adversity Twins in fourteenth, Goths take fifteenth.” Don said. Noah was pacing while Owen looked very nervous.

“Are you guys sure you’ll be alright?” Katie asked worriedly.

“It’s fine. We’ll be fine.” Noah said bitterly.

“Are you sure? Because….” Sadie began as the Rockers ran past them.

“Rockets take sixteenth.” Don announced.

“Oh no, here come the Tennis Rivals!” Owen shouted, prompting him, Noah, Katie, and Sadie to worry.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“I’m gonna feel so bad if my love of cheese causes us to be eliminated! And what’s worse… I could really go for some cheese right now!” he cried, “I have no self control! I’m like a dog!”

Noah slapped him with a rolled up newspaper, “Bad partner! Bad!”

Luckily for Owen and Noah, Gerry and Pete were massively struggling to get their wheel of cheese up the stairs. And then they finally did… and started carrying it. Yeah, not rolling it like everyone else, somehow they didn’t think to do that, no they carried it. Slowly. A snail moved past them. Faster than them.

—Interview: Pete and Gerry—

“Heh, it was looking pretty grim.”

“I needed a nap.”

“Hey, you sleep eight hours a day!”

“And at least ten at night!”

The laughed again.

As the Pros’ timer began to reach its final seconds, the Rivals neared the Carpet. Suddenly, a buzzer played, “Reality TV Pros, your penalty is up!” Don announced. The four jumped as quick as they could onto the Carpet, landing in a pile.

Gerry looked around, “…it’s a tie! It’s a tie!” he said.

“Not quite, I’m afraid your foot is just out.”

“What!? Do you need glasses, fool!? That foot was in the line!”

“I do not need glasses, and your foot was out.”

“It was in!”

“It was out.”

“In!”

“Out.”

“In!”

“That’s match, it was out. So the Pros take seventeenth place, and you guys get eighteenth. So second last.”

“Huh?” Noah asked, “I thought they were the last ones here.”

“Did you just forget about the Vegans?” Don asked.

“Oh yeah. What happened to those veggie heads?” Pete asked.

What happened was that they’d were still swimming. They never realized they had to grab the wheel of cheese because they were the last ones to the water and were too distracted, “Look, Laurie, I just… y’know after all the time we’ve spent together, I just… I really thought we were dating.” Miles said.

“Well, I… didn’t. As far as I was aware, we’re just friends. I… I didn’t even know you were into me!” Laurie replied awkwardly.

“Well I am, I… I guess I was just wrong….”

“…hey, uh-“

“I’ve probably overstepped a lot of boundaries then, haven’t I? …I mean, again, I thought we’ve been dating for… like two years now….”

“That’s… a really long time….”

“…yeah, uh… I guess I’m pretty clueless, then….”

“…hey, uh, Miles?”

“Y-yeah?”

“So, maybe we weren’t on the same page with, uh… everything.”

“Yeah… I mean, at least we are now, right?”

“Uh-huh. But, uh… I don’t think I would be opposed to uh… going back to your page on this?”

“H-huh?”

“I mean, we haven’t, y’know, actually been dating, but… I mean, I’ve been thinking about it and… I don’t think I’m opposed to the idea?”

Miles’ eyes lit up, “Wait, really!?”

“Y-yeah! I mean, since I’ve been actually, like, thinking about it more, it… actually sounds really nice.”

“Y-yeah! I completely agree!”

“So, umm, would you… wanna go out on a date when we get back? L-like, a real one?”

“Yes! Absolutely! I’d… I’d really like that.” Miles said. The two hugged as they finally approached the shore… where Don was already waiting for them.

“Did you two not read the sign? You were supposed to paddle with the cheese wheels to get here.” he said.

“…oh.” Laurie said.

“I’m sure you pieced it together from that alone, but the other eighteen teams have finished already. And even if they hadn’t, you two would’ve gotten a penalty for just swimming here. Sorry to say, but you’re out.” Don said as the Vegans sighed.

“Well, that could’ve gone better.” Miles said as a montage of their short time on the show played.

“Hey, at least we weren’t first out. And now we’re finally on the same page in our relationship!” Laurie said.

“Yeah. Maybe if we were before we got here we would’ve done better….”

“Oh well. What matters now is that we’re not too upset and we’re going on a date!” Laurie said as the camera showed them paddling back down the river on an actual boat.

“This is kind of romantic, too, y’know.”

“Yeah.” Laurie said happily as the episode came to a close.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, teams traveled to Paris, where their wills were tested, their artistic limits were pushed, their bravery was challenged, and Owen ate more cheese than scientifically possible. In the ends, it was the Police Cadets who locked up first place. The Vegans, Laurie and Miles, finished up what could’ve been turned into a season storyline at the end of only the third episode. Good thing, too, as they were the ones who ended up on the chopping block. Who’ll fail today? Oh, they’ve all got potential. Stay tuned, because it’s time for… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open on Don standing in front of the Louvre, “Yesterday’s Chill Zone was the Louvre, which is today’s starting point. Teams will start in the order they finished, which means the Cadets are-“ Don said as the Ice Dancers approached, “Woah woah woah, yesterday’s winners go first, Icecapades.”

“Yeah, relax, Silver Streak.” MacArthur said as she and Sanders approached.

“Wait your turn!” Sanders yelled.

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“I’ve got my eye on those Ice Dancers. Give ‘em an inch, and they’ll take the whole race.”

Sanders hit the button on the Don Box and grabbed the tip, “‘Take the train to Calanque de Maubois on the Mediterranean coast and search the station for your next travel tip.’ Come on!” she said as the ran off.

“Teams must take the train south to Calanque de Maubois. Calanque de Maubois skirts the Mediterranean on the south of France with sand so fine, you’d want it to get in your shorts! The rocky cliffs are just one of the many sights that make this a popular spot.” Don said as they showed a montage of pictures before cutting to him in the beach, “Did I mention that the beaches are awesome? Because they are.” 

Don then yelped in pain as a crab pinched him.

The camera showed the other top three placing teams, the Ice Dancers and Surfer Dudes, getting their tips and making a run to the train station. Devin hit the button next, only for a moment to grab the travel tip and run off, “Hey! Get back here!” he yelled as he ran after them whilst Carrie, Dwayne, Junior, B, and Lightning watched in confusion.

“…is that allowed?” Dwayne asked.

“What’s that German clown even doing here? I thought we were in France.” Lightning said. B facepalmed.

Cut to Sanders trying, and failing, to hail a cab, “Taxi! Taxi! There are so many cabs, why won’t they stop!?” she asked.

“No prob, I’ve got this.” MacArthur said before hopping into the middle of the road, pulling out her badge, and yelling, “Halt!”

…this caused a ten car pileup. MacArthur then slammed her face into the window of the nearest taxi, “Police! We are commandeering this vehicle, maggot! Got one!” she said as she turned back to Sanders.

—Interview: Sanders and MacArthur—

“I’m a little concerned… MacArthur can be kind of, um, aggressive.”

“What!? I dare you to say that again!” she said before laughing, “I’m kidding, lighten up. Seriously, do it! Lighten up!”

Cut to Jacques and Jose approaching the entrance to the subway, “The subway! It’s the quickest way to the train station!” Jacques yelled out. The Surfer Dudes very quickly followed them in.

—Interview: Brody and Geoff—

“Our strategy’s pretty simple. Instead of trying to figure out how to get somewhere ourselves, we just follow a team that’s smarter than us! And pretty much everyone’s smarter than us, so, yeah!”

“Wicked!” they said in unison.

Cut to Mary getting the travel tip, “Calanque de Maubois. Let’s move!” Mary said as she and Ellody ran off. The Sisters, Mother and Daughter, and BFFFLs approached next.

“Alright, teammate of mine, let’s have some fun!” Kitty said as Emma grabbed the tip.

“No, let’s not have fun, let’s come in first for a change!” Emma replied.

“You can do both, y’know.” Katie said as she grabbed her tip, Kelly grabbing hers immediately afterward.

Emma ignored her, “Train station, let’s go!”

“Wahoo! Fun!” Kitty said as she followed her.

“Stop it.”

Cut to MacArthur driving the cab. Sanders was in the passenger seat while the actual cabbie sat in the backseat with a worried expression, “I need directions, Sanders!” MacArthur said.

“There’s no map in the glove box!” Sanders replied.

“Time for bad cop.” MacArthur said before turning to the backseat, “Train station! Directions! Now!”

The cabbie gave directions in a panic as MacArthur drove.

Cut to Dwayne and Junior running along the sidewalk, “Heh, way to go, son! Ha, wasn’t sure you’d be able to keep up with yours truly! Heh!” Dwayne said tiredly. …Junior passed him with ease as Dwayne had to stop and take a breather.

“Man, you need to work out more.” Lightning said as he and B ran past.

“C-can you two make sure he doesn’t get into any trouble while I try to catch up!?”Dwayne yelled. B gave a thumbs up, “T-thanks.”

Cut to Sanders looking out the window of her cab, “There it is!” she yelled.

“Saw this in a movie once, hold on.” MacArthur said as she rapidly spun the wheel, causing the car to spin into the sidewalk and miraculously land in a perfect parallel park. MacArthur got out and wrote up a ticket, “This is for parking in a fire zone.”

—Interview: Sanders and MacArthur—

“Can you give a ticket outside of your jurisdiction?” she asked. MacArthur pulled out a ticket and smirked, “What? What’s this? ‘Excessive complaining.’ That is not an actual offense!”

Cut to Owen, Noah, Gerry, and Pete getting their travel tips and running off, “While the Reality TV Pros and Tennis Rivals are the last to take off from the starting line, the first six teams are about to leave the station.” Don’s voiceover announced as the camera showed the Ice Dancers, Surfer Dudes, Police Cadet, Best Friends, Brain and Brawn, and Junior boarding the train.

“C’mon, dad!” Junior yelled as Dwayne just barely managed to hop in before the doors closed.

“The rest of the teams race to catch the next train south.” Don announced as the camera showed the Fashion Bloggers applying makeup in their cab.

“The south of France is where the most glamorous people in the world hang out, it’s like Paris, with glossier lipstick.” Jen said. Suddenly, Tom gasped.

“Oh! No! Please, please, please tell me I have it…!” he said as he ruffled through his bag, only to let out a sigh of relief, “Got it. Spray tan?”

“Do you even have to ask?” Jen asked as Tom sprayed her with the can.

Cut to the Geniuses’ cab which was just behind the Fashion Bloggers’, “Take Lebront to Canal….” Mary began instructing the driver.

“…Canal to Germaine…” Ellody continued.

“…Germaine to Belmont…”

“…turn left of Lagrante…”

“…reverse onto Boarou…”

“…and u-turn back to Lagrante south of Dunkirk!” they said in unison.

—Interview: Ellody and Mary—

“We weren’t exactly ‘popular’ in high school. But memorizing the street maps of every urban center with your girlfriend is just as fun as going to parties.”

“Or being a cheerleader or taking non-science electives.”

“Our choices are paying off! We can outthink all the other teams!”

“Boom.”

Cut to Lorenzo looking at a poster in the train station before Chet ran up to him, out of breath and sweating. Lorenzo stuck his tongue out at him.

—Interview: Lorenzo and Chet—

“I took a subway, he took a taxi!”

“Can you tell Lorenzo that the time he wasn’t with me was the best part of the trip so far!?”

“Oh yeah!? Please tell Chet that before he was in my life was the best part of my life so far!”

They began fighting again.

Cut to the Sisters’ cab, “Hey, can you take a picture of me and my sister?” Kitty asked the driver.

“This is a race, Kit! Not a vacay!” Emma replied.

“Just one picture of me and my big sister in France! Paris!” she said as she took a selfie of the two. Emma sighed.

Cut to the Stepbrothers, Daters, Goths, BFFFLs, Geniuses, and Fashion Bloggers waiting for the train, “Your skin pigmentation looks like it’s recieved too much dihydroxic acetone.” Mary said to Tom and Jen, who were covered in spray tan, while Ellody laughed. The Fashion Bloggers didn’t get it.

“As group two awaits at the train station, group one has just arrived at the beach.” Don announced as the camera showed the teams from the first train running out of it in their swim suits.

“There’s the Don Box!” Dwayne said as he and the others grabbed their tips, “It’s a Botch or Watch. Whose turn is it?”

“Yours. What’s the challenge?” Junior asked.

“‘Who wants to swim with sharks?’” Brody read before gasping in terror.

Cut to Don standing on a boat in the water, surrounded by sharks with travel tips on their fin, “In this Botch or Watch challenge, whoever didn’t draw the caricature in Paris must swim to this part of the Mediterranean and retrieve a travel tip from the dorsal fin of a great white shark!” he said before one tried to jump up and bite him. He screamed as hopped back.

“Uh, try that again and you’ll get a taste of this! Wanna dance with the widowmaker?” Don asked before the shark hopped up again, causing him to scream again.

Cut to Sanders reading the tip, “‘Note: eaten teammates will result in disqualification.’ Wow, they really thought of everything.” she said before rolling her eyes.

“Sha-please, this’ll be no biggie. These guys don’t even have legs!” Lighting bragged. B nodded in agreement.

“Be right back, homie. I hope….” Devin said to Carrie.

“Crush it, bro!” Geoff said as he punched Brody’s tattoo.

“Consider it crushed!” Brody said as he approached the water.

—Interview: Brody and Geoff—

“The Botch or Watch challenges are the worst! I’m always worried I’m gonna good up and get us both turfed. But this one is perfect for me! I was swim team captain all six year of high school! Easy peasy!”

“Yeah, guy! Sharks, shmarks!”

“Swim with sharks? Man, did we dodge a bullet or what? Ha!” MacArthur said to the other Watchers, who seemed to agree.

“Still here.” Sanders said nervously.

“Sorry. Just glad I’m not you. …what’s the hold up!? Get botching!” MacArthur said as she shoved Sanders into the water, “That’ll put some fire in her belly.”

Cut to the six Botchers swimming towards the sharks, with Josee leaping out over them. Junior watched as Dwayne was moving noticeably slower than the other five.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“Turns out swimming in shark-infested water is way harder in the old body than sitting at a desk all day. Who knew?"

As a shark swam towards Josee, she did a backflip over it out of the water and grabbed the tip from its fin before beginning to swim back, “Wow. Nice move.” Devin said before swimming towards a shark. As he got close, Brody leapt on top of it.

“Sorry dude! Can’t- grab the- shark fin-! Gotta go!” he yelled as the shark hopped in and out of the water.

“As the teams from train number one battle with the top of the aquatic food chain, train number two has arrived.” Don’s voiceover announced as the camera showed the Geniuses, Stepbrothers, Goths, BFFFLs, and Daters exiting the train.

“Wait, weren’t there six teams onboard?” Mary asked.

“No time, there’s the Don Box! Hurry!” Ellody said as they all ran to grab their tips.

Cut to Devin pulling a tip off of a shark’s fin underwater, only for it to notice him, causing Devin to scream and drop the tip as he swam away. The tip floated up to the surface and ended up right in front of Dwayne, who immediately grabbed it.

—Interview: Junior and Dwayne—

“I’m actually kinda proud of my dad. Takes guts to swim towards a shark.”

“Ah, Junior! This isn’t your dad’s first shark rodeo! Nono, pal, if anything those sharks should’ve been scared of the Dwayne-man! Hi-ya!” Junior ducked as Dwayne punched and shattered the camera lens, “Oops! Uh, sorry about that! You okay?”

“You had draw a picture, I have swallow my own barf and swim with sharks!? This is so unfair!” Chet yelled to Lorenzo on the shore.

“Only if you’re you!” Lorenzo yelled back.

Meanwhile, Stephanie and Ryan were kissing again, “Baby, if one of those sharks eats you, I will eat that shark so that we will always be together!” Stephanie said. And then they started making out again. Katie and Sadie looked on in confusion at that statement, and then were even more confused when a yacht drove up with Tom and Jen on it.

“Hi everyone! Hope you didn’t miss us!” Tom yelled out.

—Interview: Jen and Tom—

“We step out the train at one of the stops…”

“Just to breathe it in.”

“And right there, in the platform?”

“The Prince of Monaco!”

“He asked where we were headed!”

“One thing leads to another…”

“Yacht ride!”

“With a prince!”

“Thanks for the ride, your highness!” Jen said, only for a shark to hop out of the water, Tom jumping into her arms and screaming in fear as it tried to bite them.

Cut to Josee just swimming elegantly, “She is beauty, grace, and strength, every move like a swan that makes other swans feel ugly.” Jacques narrated, only for an actual swan to show up and begin chasing him.

Meanwhile, Dwayne was approaching the shore, “Go get a bucket! We gotta build a castle!” he yelled out to his son as he struggled to stay afloat.

“Dwayne may be drowning, but he’s right. For this All-In, challenge, teams have to build a replica of the Palace of Versailles. When local sandcastle prodigy, Sandy McCastles, probably a fake name, decides their castle’s good enough, he’ll hand them their next travel tip.” Don explained.

Cur to Sanders arriving onshore, “About time. My grandmother can doggy paddle faster than you.” MacArthur said.

“Wahoo! Bringing it back alive!” Devin said as he surfaced with a travel tip… only for a shark to pop out under him. “…that bites.”

“I changed my mind! I was a fool! This is a biggie! What do I do!?” Lightning yelled to B as he swam away from a shark in a panic. B sighed and tossed him a magnet from his jacket, “How’s that gonna-!?”

Before Lightning could finish, he saw two sharks swim away from Mary in fear, both of which dropping their travel tips as she pulled out a magnet. Lightning held up the magnet to the shark following him, which promptly did the same.

—Interview: Mary and Ellody—

“No, sharks aren’t afraid of Lightning or me, but they are afraid of magnets.”

“Technically, it’s not fear.”

“Of course not, I was being facetious. Charged metals and salt water create a weak electrical field, which disrupts sharks’ electroreception senses.”

“Oh, we should explain. Salt water is an ionic solution. It contains particles with unpaired electrons.”

“I wish we had a dry erase board.”

Don’s voice came in, “Speaking of dry, can we cut to something more exciting?”

The camera cut to Devin screaming as he swan away from a shark, “Thank you. The third train had arrived, and as more teams begin the second challenge, the Surfer Dudes are still trying to finish the first one.” he said as Geoff was looking out towards the Botchers.

“I don’t see him anywhere.” Geoff said.

“Shark dude, can you at least chase me towards shore!?” Brody asked the shark that was chasing him. The camera showed they were half a mile away.

—Interview: Pete and Gerry—

“We really messed up last round. But luckily, every team is in one place now. We can totally turn this around!”

“Yeah! The other teams are gonna eat our dust! What do you have to do?” Pete sighed and showed him the tip, “…why did we sign up for this show?”

Cut to Pete swimming nervously… only to approach a the other tip that was just left floating there when Mary scared off the sharks. He looked around and laughed before grabbing it and swimming back towards shore.

Cut to Rock nervously walking into the water.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“I guess I’ll do pretty much anything to win. I need the money for my parents. They’re not getting any younger, and they really want me out of their basement! If we win, I can build my own basement!”

Cut to a shark swimming towards someone leaving the water. He growled at them… only for Crimson to peak just the top of her head and her eyes out. In fear, the shark tossed her the ticket.

Katie arrived onshore, gasping for breath as she handed Sadie the tip, “What do we have to do next?” she asked.

“We have to- no!” she yelled out, startling Katie.

—Interview: Katie and Sadie—

“Back in Total Drama’s second season, Sadie got eliminated super early on because during a sandcastle building contest, she tripped over a crab and poured an entire bucket of water on the castle. And even though one of our teammates was literally sabotaging us, she still got voted out.”

“I’ve grown to irrationally hate sandcastles since then.”

While Sadie was scowling as she and Katie worked on their castle, the other teams onshore seemed to be having a much better time. The Daters smiled at each other as they worked on theirs, the Stepbrothers were throwing piles of sand at each other from their own separate work in progress castles, and the Father and Son were creating a huge pile of sand to work with.

—Interview: Junior and Dwayne—

“I was worried about dad before, but now he’s really going for it!”

“Building is what men were born to do!”

Cut to the Police Cadets with about a third of a really huge sandcastle, “You sure it has to be big?” Sanders asked.

“You wanna take a chance on building here!? We go big or go home!” MacArthur replied.

“Did you hear that!? Go big or go home!” Emma said to Kitty.

“Are you sure? It’s probably quicker to-“

“What do you mean it’s not good enough!?” Gerry yelled as Sandy refused to give them their tip for their relatively small and shabby-looking castle.

“It’s probably not big enough, c’mon!” Pete said as they got back to work.

“Seems like good enough evidence to me!” Emma said.

“Fair enough.” Kitty relied.

Meanwhile, the Geniuses hadn’t begun work on their castle yet. Instead, they had fifteen feet worth of equations drawn into the sand.

—Interview: Mary and Ellody—

“We’re scientists. We know how important the planning phase is.”

“Agreed. We’re building a sandcastle here, this isn’t kids stuff!”

Cut to Sandy disapproving the Father and Son’s first castle attempt and the Tennis Rivals’ second, “Not good enough!? I was making sandcastles before you even born!” Dwayne said.

“And we were making sandcastles before he was even born!” Gerry said. Junior facepalmed.

“Yes!” Owen yelled as he grabbed his tip in the water, only to see three other sharks circling him, “Uh, any chance you guys are dolphins?”

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“I heard somewhere that sharks can smell fear. Or was it dogs that can smell it…?”

“It’s dogs. Alongside horses, minnows, and cheetahs.”

“Well then it’s a good thing we’re dealing with sharks instead of seahorses!”

Cut to a montage of some of the teams building their castles. Taylor was making Kelly do all the work, only for her relatively small castle to get up and walk away because she had accidentally built it on a crab. Meanwhile, Rock was doing all the work for his team since some of the Watchers had buried Spud up to his neck in sand while they waited for their teammates. Jay handed Mickey a bucket of sand, only for him to collapse under the weight. All the while, Sandy disapproved the Tennis Rivals’ third castle. Meanwhile, Brody was the only one still in the water, screaming as the shark chased him.

—Interview: Geoff—

“My grandmother told me once that if you swim into a shark’s mouth, you just keep on swimming!”

“All the teams have reunited and begun working on their sand chateaus expect do the Surfer Dudes.” Don’s voiceover announced.

Cut to Dwayne and Junior’s second finished castle, which had taken on a different strategy, that being a small yet detailed one atop their pile of sand, “Alright, where is he? Little judge? Tiny opinionated man!? Ah, here we go!” Dwayne said as Sandy walked over. After giving it a look, he smiled and handed Dwayne the tip.

“Yes!” Junior yelled.

“Okay! ‘Grab a speedboat and follow the GPS to the Chill Zone on the southern in tip of Iceland.’” Dwayne read.

“Iceland. The southernmost dock of this frigid island is the finish line for this section of the race.” Don said as the camera showed him at the Chill Zone, “The last team to meet me on the Carpet of Completion could be headed home.”

“Hurry!” Dwayne yelled as he and Junior ran towards the speedboats.

“Aww, that’s a cute little castle.” Kitty said as she looked at the Father and Son’s castle.

“Hold the sand phone, it doesn’t have to be big!?” MacArthur asked.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” Pete yelled as he kicked down the castle they were working on.

“We were almost done with that one!” Gerry yelled. Pete facepalmed.

Cut to Dwayne trying and failing to start a speedboat, “Come on, let’s grab a different boat!” Junior said.

“Nah, come on, you’ve just gotta adjust the, uh…” Dwayne said as he looked at the boat’s motor, which had several disconnected wires. Junior sighed.

—Interview: Junior and Dwayne—

“My dad tried to attach a bell to my bike once. When he was done, the wheels were gone. Just… gone.”

“It was a Swedish bell, very tricky instructions! Had to take the whole darn bike apart! Hey, was that the summer you walked everywhere?”

“Yup.”

“I cannot believe the first two boats we picked were broken!” Dwayne said as he and Junior hopped into a third boat.

“Have you tried turning the key before pressing the start button?” Junior asked. Dwayne did just that and the boat started.

“Huh. Must be one of those Swedish boats. I’ll dri-“ Dwayne began before Junior started driving instead.

Cut to Brody finally arriving onshore… with the shark on his head. He fell over, causing the shark to spit him out, ticket in hand, “That was crazy wild… let’s go!”

Cut to the Ice Dancers, Reality TV Pros, and Fashion Bloggers getting their tips before hopping in a speedboat. The Tennis Rivals’ castle was once again declined, much to their anger. After struggling a bit with their speedboat, the Best Friends got moving too, the Police Cadets and the Stepbrothers only a little behind them, though Chet and Lorenzo were arguing and constantly switching who drove.

Suddenly, the Best Friends’ boat began slowing down as the engine began pouring out steam, “Oh no! We’ve got a problem! Any faster and the motor will die! Slow and steady wins the race, I guess…?” Devin said.

“You better have a permit to barbecue on that thing!” Sanders joked as she drove past them.

“Sha-yeah! What she said!” Lightning said as he and B passed by too.

Cut to the Father and Som reaching the Carpet of Completion, “Dwayne, Junior, you’re the first to arrive at this Chill Zone.” Don announced.

“Haha, yes! We are the best!” Dwayne said.

“Unfortunately, you broke a rule by reading the travel tip before reuniting with Junior on the beach.”

“What!?” Dwayne said before pulling out his wallet, “Surely we can, uh, work something out here. Hey, you like coupons? 25 cents off eggy muffins at McDunna’s, eh? Ooh, ooh, or free fries with- oh, this one’s expired….”

“Twenty minute penalty.” Don said. Dwayne sighed.

Cut to the Sisters, BFFFLs, Mother and Daughter, Adversity Twins, Daters, and Goths getting their tips and beginning to run towards the boats while the Tennis Rivals’ shoddy work was once again denied. They didn’t even build a sand castle that time, they just built a sand tennis court, “More teams head to the boats, but others get hung up on details.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed the Geniuses’ finished equations.

“373,996 cubic yards, done! Now, to build a perfect model with our data.” Ellody said… only for the ride to come in and wash away all of their work, “No! Our data!”

“We’ll just have to wing it.” Mary said, seemingly mostly indifferent.

“Wing!? I never wing! I don’t know how!” Ellody yelled in fear.

Cut to the Ice Dancers blowing kisses to the camera on the Carpet of Completion, “Jacques, Josee, you’ve come in first. I expected more insanity, glad to see you’re keeping in professional.” Don said.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

They were running back and forth on the beach, screaming about it their greatness. Apparently they recorded this before reaching the Chill Zone.

Cut to the Fashion Bloggers arriving at the Chill Zone, “Jennifer, Thomas, you’ve arrived in second place. However, you didn’t arrive in Calanque de Maubois by train as instructed, you took a yacht instead. Ten minute penalty.” Don announced. They shrugged.

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

“Whatevs, we rode a yacht!”

“And partied with a prince on a yacht!”

“Don so wishes he was us.”

Don poked his head in, “I do not! …so how was it, was it like, cool, did I miss out, or….”

Cut to the Reality TV Pros arriving, “Owen and Noah, you’re in second place.” Don announced.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“Yes! Wahoo!”

“I’m pleasantly surprised we went from near the bottom to near the top.”

“Third!” Don announced as the Police Cadets arrived.

Cut to Geoff and Brody getting their travel tip from Sandy, “Dude, we’re in dead last!” Brody yelled.

“Not dead-dead, apparently!” Gerry yelled from he and Pete’s most recently disapproved sandcastle as the Surfer Dudes ran off.

“Did you hear something?” Mary asked from her and Ellody’s castle.

“No! We’ve gotta focus!” Ellody yelled in a panic.

“Of course.”

Cut to the penalties at the Chill Zone ending, “Fourth! Fifth!” Don said as he pointed to the Father and Son and Fashion Bloggers respectively.

“Never! Say! Die!” Geoff and Brody yelled in unison from their speedboat.

Cut back to more teams reaching the Chill Zone, starting with B and Lightning, “Sixth! Daters in seventh! Stepbrothers take eighth! BFFFLs in Ninth! Goths in tenth, Sisters take eleventh!” Don announced.

Just then, two tourists walked onto the Carpet of Completion, “Who are you? And who are you? Are you supposed to be on this show?” Don asked. The two walked off, much to his confusion.

Cut to Sandy reviewing a very nervous Mary and Ellody’s castle before smiling and handing them their tip, “Yes! It’s not too late!” Ellody yelled as she and Mary ran towards the speedboats.

Meanwhile, more teams reached the Chill Zone, “Mother and Daughter in twelfth, Adversity Twins take thirteenth, and the Rockers score fourteenth.” Don announced.

Cut to the Best Friends slowly moving across the water, “Looks like it might be the end for us….” Devin said sadly.

—Interview: Devin and Carrie—

“So unfair that it’s a because of a faulty motor and not something we did wrong. We’re a great team.”

“Yeah, we really are.”

As if to emphasize their point, Geoff and Brody were cheering as they sped across the ocean… only for disaster to strike them as well as their motor popped open and began smoking a little bit behind the Beat Friends, “Aw, man! Now what!?” Geoff yelled.

—Interview: Brody and Geoff—

“I never should’ve let myself get stuck in that shark’s mouth! Now we’re gonna get eliminated because of me! That was my biggest failure….”

“Hey, bro! We win as a team! We lose as a team! We’re a team, man! And I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, because… I’m really disappointed right now….”

Brody tapped the motor with his finger, zapping him but also boosting them forward a bit, “Dude, dude! That worked! Do it again!” Geoff said. Despite Brody’s pain, he continuously began talking the motor, sending them forward.

“Homie, that’s Iceland!” Carrie said to Devin as they saw the dock in the distance.

“There it is!” Geoff yelled.

“Come on, we can’t lose now!” Mary said as her and Ellody’s boat began to approach the other teams as well.

Cut back to Don talking to members of production, “All I’m saying is that the Chill Zone could really use a sofa, so- oh, here they are!” he said as the boats neared the dock, with the Beat Friends reaching the Chill Zone first.

“Carrie, Devin, fifteenth place!” he announced.

“Yay! Wahoo!” they cheered, just as Geoff and Brody arrived next, though Brody looked… singed, to say the least.

“And the Surfer Dudes take sixteenth!” Don announced.

“Ya hear that, bro!?” Geoff asked before touching Brody and getting shocked, “Ow….”

A downtrodden Mary and Ellody walked up next to them and sighed, “We already know….” Mary said sadly.

“Ellody, Mary, I’m sorry to say this, but you are… second last, aka seventeenth place, aka still in the race!” Don announced.

“We are!? Yes!” Ellody yelled as she hugged Mary.

“Wait, then who’s still left?” Geoff asked.

Cut to Don flying in a helicopter over where Gerry and Pete were getting yet another castle rejected, “Ahoy, Tennis Rivals! I’m afraid the other teams have reached the Chill Zone! You are out of the race! And I’m in a helicopter! This is so cool!” Don yelled down to them.

“What!? What did the other teams’ castles have that we didn’t!?” Pete yelled.

“You guys didn’t put any detail in! You just made piles of sand and called it a day!” Don yelled back before flying off. The Tennis Rivals looked at the other castles and saw the very noticeable difference.

“Ah… yeah, that’d do it.”

A montage began playing of the Tennis Rivals’ short time in the show, “Well, heh, that was a disaster!” Pete said.

“At least we didn’t go home first. Or second!” Gerry said.

“Yeah, now we’ve got a shot and nabbing some new sponsors!”

“Anyone out there needing a pitchman for arthritis cream or those bathtubs with a door so you don’t have to step over, call my agent!”

“Who’s your agent, anyway?”

“It’s been so long! I can remember!”

They laughed as they walked along the beach back towards the train station, ending the episode.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, our teams got chummy with sharks, some more than others. Once they finished making sandcastles in the sand, it was time for a boat race from the Mediterranean to the coast of Iceland. It looked like last place was a race between the Best Friends, Surfer Dudes, and Geniuses, but it turned out the Tennis Rivals hadn’t even begun the boat race by the time everyone else had finished. Who will choke this time? Ha, there’s zero chance of it being me. Ready to kick it? Good! Because it’s time for… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open on Don walking down the dock, “Welcome to Iceland, where today’s starting line is yesterday’s Chill Zone. And chill it is, my walnuts are frozen solid!” he said as he held up a bag of walnuts, feeling very proud of his lame joke, “The first team to depart will be the Ice Dancers. Go!”

Josee pressed the button on the Don Box as quick as she could, “‘Take a bus to the nearest geyser field and locate the Don Box.’” she read.

“These geysers are part of an active volcano field tucked under a skimpy twenty centimeter layer of salacious sinter. Whatever that means.” Don said over the usual picture montage, “Sounds dangerous, though.”

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“Coming in first has given us a taste for gold! We hope to be at the top of the podium from here on!”

“And I love the taste of gold in the morning!”

Cut to the Ice Dancers approaching a bus stop, “Hurry! C’mon, where’s our bus!? We’re gonna lose our lead!” Jacques said as the duo heard footsteps behind them. They turned around to see that the Reality TV Pros, Police Cadets, Brain and Brawn, Fashion Bloggers, Daters, and Father and Son had already caught up to them.

“Sha-hey there!” Lightning said.

“Don’t even think about getting on the bus before us!”

“You can’t stop me from thinking that! Get out of my head!” MacArthur yelled.

“Oh yeah!?”

“Yeah!” MacArthur yelled back as both teams got closer to each other to glare, completely missing the fact that the Pros were right between them.

“Uh, guys? The bus?” Noah said as he and Owen quickly boarded, the rest of the teams following suit.

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think I trust those Ice Dancers.”

“They do seem a little mean.”

“They’re a very familiar mean to us. So… let’s avoid them like the plague.”

“Don’t you usually try to come up with a plan to take down the bad guys?”

“Not this time. We all know how that’s worked out for me.”

“Are you alright, man?”

“I’m fine.” he did not look fine and Owen looked concerned.

“Our first teams head off as the next team gets psyched up.” Don said as the camera showed Chet and Lorenzo fighting over a travel tip, “But for some, the fear and panic is clearly visible on their faces.”

The camera panned to show that Don was referring to the Goths and BFFFLs, who in actuality looked completely neutral, “No, we’re fine.” Sadie said.

“I said the fear and panic! Fear and panic!”

“We’re good, really.” Katie said.

“Fear and panic!” Don yelled.

“Spider!” Jay yelled in fear from nearby.

“Better.”

“Spider!” Mickey yelled from atop Jay’s head.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“And I’m only mildly afraid of spiders. You should see me around a werewolf.” Jay nodded as if that made sense.

The Sisters and Mother and Daughter ran past the Adversity Twins, Taylor squashing the spider the process, allowing the Twins to get their tip as well.

Cut to the first bus arriving at the geyser field as the teams piled out of it, the Police Cadets reaching the Don Box first as Sanders grabbed the tip, “It’s an All-In. ‘Broken Icelandic Telephone.’” she read.

“For this All-In, teams need to hold down the button on this speaker box to hear me say ‘Please give me my next Travel Tip.’ in Icelandic with perfect pronunciation.” Don said as he pressed the button.

“Vinsamlegast gefðu mér mina travel ábending.” the speaker recited.

“Then, they must run across the geothermal field of hot springs and repeat the sentence to this Icelandic local.” Don said as he approached a woman wearing a swan. Not like a swan dress, just an actual swan, “Sweet sister of ducks, what are you wearing!? …say the sentence right, you get the next tip. Say it wrong, and you have to go all the way back to hear the sentence again.”

Cut to the Police Cadets arriving at the speaker, “Open your ears, here it comes!” MacArthur said as she pressed the button. As soon as they heard the sentence, they got running.

“Press it again!” Junior said as he and his father ran up.

“No need, kiddo! Let’s hustle!” Dwayne said as he began running. Junior knew for a fact this would end poorly.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“My mind is a steel trap. Once I know something, it’s-“

“Really? When’s my birthday?”

“…summertime?”

“October 28th.”

“Six more teams head for the geyser field.” Don said as the camera showed the Stepbrothers, BFFFLs, Goths, Sisters, Mother and Daughter, and Adversity Twins onboard the second bus, “But another four have yet to begin the race”.

Cut back to the Police Cadets and Ice Dancers avoiding geysers while Dwayne and Junior stopped just before one went off, “Just follow my lead, son!” Dwayne said.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“All you have to do is time it right and we will be talking to that beautiful swan lady in no time! Uh, did I say beautiful? I mean she was wearing a… beautiful swan…? Honey, I miss you!” Junior sighed at his father’s incompetence.

“…now!” Dwayne said. He and Junior were then immediately blasted into the air.

Cut to Owen talking into the speaker box, “Wontons, rice, garlic shrimp and egg rolls, please!” he said.

“No time, let’s move!” Noah said as the second bus rolled up.

“Bus number two has arrived as our last four teams have finally departed.” Don said as the camera showed the Rockers, Best Friends, Surfer Dudes, and Geniuses running for the bus stop. Brody still looked singed.

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

“Starting out in second to last place is tough, especially because Brody’s so messed up! Guy got a few too many shocks from that speedboat.” Brody then jolted with electricity for a moment, “But I can do all the heavy lifting! It’s too early to give up and go home! Surfers don’t quit, right, dude?” Brody jolted again.

—Interview: Ellody and Mary—

“Mary pointed out that I may have a problem where when things don’t go to plan, I tend to… panic.”

“I think the viewers could all see that quite well yesterday.”

“And my over reliance and planning every last detail majorly slowed us down yesterday.”

“Yes, that too. Though to be fair, we were both-“

“So I’m going to step up my game! Step out of my comfort zone! Try to… not panic when things go awry.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be here if things get to be a little much for you.”

“Thank you.”

Cut to the Ice Dancers reaching the swan lady. Josee immediately recited the sentence with ease. The swan lady smiled as she handed them their tip, “‘Take the helicopter to Skaftafell National Park and find the next Don Box.’” she read as the camera showed them larding a golden helicopter.

“The Ice Dancers have the lead, but now they’ll have to wait. The helicopter will only depart once six teams are aboard.” Don’s voiceover said.

The camera cut to the bottom four teams waiting at the bus stop, “Pardon my asking, but is he… alright?” Mary asked Geoff while looking at the still singed Brody.

“Uh… I have no idea.” Geoff replied.

Meanwhile, Devin was shivering, “This reminds me of last winter when Maggie locked me out the car from buying her the wrong kind of tea.” he told Carrie.

“…when she WHAT!?” Carrie yelled in shock.

—Interview: Carrie—

“He got frostbite and nearly lost four toes over a tea!? He deserves better than that! Heck, a rabid goat deserves better than that!”

Cut to some of the teams running through the geyser field. Meanwhile, Noah was trying to pull Owen out of a geyser he’d managed to get stuck in, “I’m stuck! Tell my parents I lived a good life!” Owen said before being blasted into the air.

Just then, Katie and Sadie ran over, “Oh, hey, Noah! Where’s Owen?” Sadie asked. And then Owen fell on top of them.

Cut to Dwayne talking to the swan lady, “Uh, vinsamelgast gefðu mér… gingle traveleer… scooptipy doop?” he said. The swan lady looked confused while Junior just facepalmed.

“Well you gotta admit, your language is pretty darn ridiculous!” Dwayne said jokingly. The swan lady did not think it was funny and neither did Junior.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“I cannot be expected to memorize something I only heard once.”

“WHAT!? YOU’VE GOTTA BE-“

Meanwhile, the other teams were still running through the geyser field. MacArthur was carrying Sanders over her shoulder again, and Tom and Jen were screaming while covering their hair. Jen was screaming so loudly in fact that she shattered a camera lens.

“Huh, thought we were the only ones who could do that.” Katie said to Sadie as the Fashion Bloggers passed by them.

—Interview: Jen and Tom—

“Geysers are hot water and this top is cold wash only! Nobody told me there would be real danger in this show!”

Cut to the other teams running through the field, Dwayne and Junior being the only ones running back as the third bus arrived. The Goths were also just walking because they really couldn’t be bothered. Jay and Mickey got blasted by a geyser but really didn’t mind it all too much.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“Saltwater helps Mickey’s eczema. Sometimes it gets so bad, his knees look like armadillos.”

Cut to the Goths arriving at the swan lady. Taylor was also standing there, “Are you finished?” Ennui asked her.

“No, my mom trashed the Icelandic talking, so I made her go back herself.” Taylor replied.

“Vinsamlegast gefðu mér mina travel ábending.” Crimson recited perfectly. The swan lady handed her the tip.

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“Most of our favorite bands are from Iceland, so yeah, we speak the language.”

Cut to Devin and Carrie leaving the speaker box as Dwayne and Junior arriving, Dwayne pressing the button with his chin.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“This time, I’ll remember it!” Junior sighed, “What? That lady’s goosey dress distracted me!”

Cut to Chet and Lorenzo arguing in front of an annoyed swan lady, “I had the first half of the sentence! You were supposed to remember the second half!” Chet said as he shoved Lorenzo.

“Other way around, buttstain!” Lorenzo said as he shoved him. Annoyed, the swan lady showed both of them.

—Interview: Chet and Lorenzo—

“That girl is so into me.”

“You wish, she’s into me, jerky!”

“As if! You’re dreaming!” he pushed Lorenzo.

“You’re the one who needs to wake up!” he pushed Chet. And the two started fighting again.

Cut to Tom and Jen arriving at the swan lady. Jen gasped, “Is that an original patroki? Fierce! Doesn’t hurt that you absolutely have the bod to pull it off.” she said. Flattered, the swan lady handed her the tip.

Cut to the Fashion Bloggers boarding the helicopter, “The helicopter needs three more teams before it can lift off.” Don announced as the camera showed a montage of teams running back and forth, some messing up the phrase in the process. After the Police Cadets got their tip, Ryan approached with Stephanie on his shoulder.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“I memorized the first half, and Steph took the second half!”

“We share everything! Except french fries. If he ever touched my fries, kablam!” she yelled as she punched her fist.

“Vinsamlegast gefðu mér-“ Ryan began.

“-mina travel ablendeering.” Stephanie finished. The swan lady shook her head as Stephanie gasped.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“Aww, ábending! You were so close!”

“I know I was close! She totally should’ve given us the tip! Ugh!”

“Hey, we’re doing great! It’s okay!”

“No, I don’t let you down, you don’t let me down, that’s what love is! No mistakes! Ever!” she stormed off, leaving Ryan looking very concerned.

“Vinsamlegast gefðu, uh….” Emma began.

“-mer mina travel ábending!” Kitty finished. The swan lady smiled and held up a tip.

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“You interrupted me and almost ruined our chances!”

“But I got it right?”

“Yeah, this time you did, lucky us, next time you try help, don’t help.”

“…okay.”

“So how are we doing this again?” Lightning asked as he and B approached the swan lady, “Oh, right.”

Lightning made a continuous noise with his mouth as B grabbed his jaw and moved it around to make it sound like the phrase. This worked, but the swan lady was very confused.

Cut to Lightning and B boarding the helicopter. As they sat down, the helicopter began to lift off. Suddenly, a very antsy Jen jumped out of her seat, “I need to give that swan lady my number!” she said before trying to rush for the door.

“Jen! No! We’re already in the air!” Tom said as he held her back from running out. Jen sighed. The other teams were confused.

“The first six teams are aloft, while the remaining eleven teams are just trying to stay alive.” Don said as the camera cut to Devin with his foot stuck in a geyser.

“Come on! Pull harder!” Carrie said as she tried to pull Devin out of the geyser, only for them both to get blasted into the air.

“This just in, the first six teams have arrived at the ice caves in Skaftafell National Park, where their next challenge awaits.” Don announced as the camera showed the leading six teams arriving. Jacques pressed the button on the Don Box the second he was in reach.

“It’s an Either-Or. ‘Feast or Fossil.’” he read.

“Today’s Either-Or gives the player’s the option of either dining on a traditional Icelandic Feast or retrieving a Fossil embedded in the icy walls of this cave. Once their chosen task is complete, teams must bring their intact fossil or empty platter  to the Chill Zone. The last team to arrive may be out of the race.” Don announced from the Chill Zone.

The Goths watched as the other five teams all picked Fossil, so they walked the other direction to do the Feast.

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“The other teams picked the Fossil thing, so we didn’t because… whatever.”

“Icelandic Thanksgiving feasts consist of putrefied shark, pickled herring, cured ram, broiled puffin, and singed sheep heads. Yikes, what are they giving thanks for?” Don asked. The Goths did not respond, “…okay then, thanks for the input.”

Cut to the Adversity Twins getting their travel tip and running to the second helicopter as it arrived.

“Uh, van- no, visamlegast gethou- no, it’s vinsamlegast gafe… then… ugh!” Rock struggled before turning to Spud, “C’mon, Spud! You heard it, help me!”

“Oh that was forever ago, man, who can remember?” Spud asked.

“Agh! Uh, vensamlegast gefðu mer mina travel ábending?” Rock said nervously. The swan lady smiled and handed him the tip, “YES! Wahoo!”

The swan lady looked on in confusion as Rock played air guitar before running off.

Cut to the Best Friends and Geniuses getting their tip (though Ellody was very nervous the whole time) as Dwayne and Junior walked up.

“Vinsamlegast gefðu mér-“ Junior began.

“-mina travel ásdenting!” Dwayne finished. The swan lady promptly slapped him.

“What did you say!?”

“I have no idea. None.”

Mary then walked over and informed him that, “You called her an asshole.” and ran back over to Ellody. Dwayne sighed.

Cut to the Stepbrothers getting their tip and almost high-fiving, before realizing what they were doing and stopping. Meanwhile, inside the ice cave, Kitty took a selfie with a frozen Sasquatchanakwa as Emma facepalmed. Who knows how he got there. The Fashion Bloggers were being as careful as possible while moving across the ice whilst the Ice Dancers skated by with ease.

“Aha! A fossil!” Sanders said as she found one. MacArthur swung her pickaxe at the fossil, causing it to shatter.

“Woah, you’d think something that would be around for a million years would know how to take a punch, am I right?” MacArthur asked. Sanders was not amused.

“Watch this!” Lightning said as he punched an ice wall with a fossil inside of it. The whole wall then fell on top of him and the fossil was not freed. B sighed as he tried to get the wall off of him.

Cut to the Reality TV Pros and BFFFLs getting their travel tip, “Alright!” Noah said.

“C’mon, let’s move!” Katie said as they ran towards the helicopter as Kelly finally arrived at the swan lady, clearly out of breath.

“If we get sent home today, I’m never talking to you again. Unless I need money or something.” Taylor said.

“Vinsamlegast gefðu mér mina travel ábending.” Kelly managed to recite, causing the swan lady to hold out their tip.

“Wow, way to not ruin everything for a change.” Taylor said. A very upset Kelly grabbed the tip, “Ohmigosh mom, don’t sulk! It was a compliment, hello?”

Geoff ran up while dragging Brody, “Vinsamlegast gefðu mér mina travel ábending!” he said before cheering as the swan lady handed him the tip.

“The next nine teams are heading towards the ice caves.” Don said as the camera showed the helicopter taking off.

Cut to Emma pushing a block of ice with a fossil out of the wall while Kitty was just messing around on her phone, “Okay, this’ll keep it intact until we reach the Chill Zone. Help me push!” Emma said. Kitty did not because Emma told her not to help earlier and she was proving a point.

Cut to Dwayne still floundering, “Minok- no, uh, nino neenee travel! Uh, amonie travel! Amoopy travel outstanding! No, meeny travel depantsing! Meepa travel depending! Amending? Gloopy travel amending!” he said. Junior and the swan lady were internally cringing at the sight. The lady shook her head, prompting Dwayne to scream to the heavens and start slamming his head into the ground and she and Junior watched on in worry.

Cut to Stephanie getting the phrase right as the swan lady handed her the tip, “YES! BOOM, that’s what I’m talking about! Fist bump!” she yelled as she pointed her fist in Ryan’s direction. Ryan nervously stuck out his fist as Stephanie punched it, causing it to sound like all the bones in his fist shattered.

Cut to the Adversity Twins, Best Friends, and BFFFLs grabbing their pickaxes, “Fifteen of the seventeens teams are now working on the second challenge, but Father and Som have yet to complete challenge number one.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed Dwayne and Junior once again reaching the swan lady.

“Uh-“ Dwayne began before Junior covered his mouth.

“Vinsamlegast gefðu mér mina travel ábending.” Junior recited, prompting the swan lady to finally hand him the tip.

—Interview: Junior and Dwayne—

“We were already so far behind, I couldn’t risk you- I mean, us messing it up again!”

“You were gonna say you! Meaning me! Boy, I’m insulted! I totally knew my part of the sentence.”

“Okay, so say it then.”

“…I don’t feel like it.”

“Uh-huh.”

Cut to Geoff opening one of the platters, “Agh, dude!” he said in disgust as most of the others were also disgusted.

“No. Nuh-uh, we’re going fossiling because ew, barf.” Taylor said to her mom.

“Don’t say barf.” Kelly said. And then Taylor barfed. So Kelly did too and they ran to grab pickaxes at the same time Dwayne and Junior did.

“Slow down, dad! That cave’s super icy!” Junior yelled out.

“Ha! I used to curl, kiddo, so I know ice!” Dwayne said before slipping down a slope past Tom and Jen as they were pushing their fossil out before hitting a rock, causing his pickaxe to slam right next to his head. Watching the whole thing in terror, Taylor dropped her pickaxe.

—Interview: Taylor and Kelly—

“If you had a face as hot as mine, would you wanna get hot with an ice pick? No. We’ll eat the feast.” Kelly nodded.

Cut to the teams eating the feast in disgust, though the Goths seemed fine. Geoff had to place pieces into Brody’s mouth due to his whole singed situation, “We got this, dude.” Geoff said.

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

“Feels weird to feed Brody like he’s a little niblet, but it’s a team challenge, and the guy is a human trash can! He’ll eat anything!” Geoff touched Brody and was zapped.

“Hey, eat something, man!” Rock said to Spud.

“Huh?” Spud asked as he lifted his headphones, “Oh, no thanks, I’m not hungry.”

Spud put his headphones back on and closed his eyes, prompting Rock to force a piece of food into his mouth.

“Ugh, maybe Katie and Sadie had the right idea.” Noah said after eating some of the food. Just then, an alarm went off on his phone, “…why?”

“What’s up?” Owen asked.

“Sadie set an alarm on my phone that just says ‘I told you so.’”

Owen chuckled, “That’s pretty funny.”

“Ugh, why?” he asked before another alarm went off, “She set another that just says ‘Because I thought it was funny.’”

Owen laughed harder. Everyone looked over and saw that all that remained on the Goths’ plate were the eyes of the sheep head. They all looked on in disgust as the duo tossed the eyes into their mouths and chewed. They did not react at all as they picked up their platter and left.

Cut to the Goths arriving at the Chill Zone, “Wow, first place! …you’re the winners! You won!” Don said as the Goths did not externally react, “…are you trying to ruin the show? Is that your plan? Get out of here! You’re bad kids!”

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“As soon as I saw the platter, I knew we would come in first.”

“I’m so excited. First place. Wow. I could pee myself.”

“You almost did.”

“First place is taken, but last place is still up for grabs, and nobody wants it.” Don’s voiceover announced as the camera showed Ryan and Stephanie struggling to eat part of the food before making out.

“Ew, for serious!? I am already on high barf alert over here!” Taylor said in disgust.

“Don’t say barf!” Kelly said before barfing again, as did Taylor.

“Don’t think, just chew.” Noah instructed as he and Owen held the eyes from their platter.

“Eye-eye! Get it? Because it’s an-“ Owen said while chuckling, only for him to squish the eye, “Oh, this is so gross.”

Cut to the Fashion Bloggers and Ice Dancers reaching the Chill Zone, “Second place! Third! Pros, you’re fourth!” Don said as Owen and Noah arrived while struggling to not puke.

Cut to MacArthur about to swing at a fossil with all her might, “Woah, maybe I’ll take this one?” Sanders said as she grabbed the pick.

Cut Chet and Lorenzo pushing their fossil up a slope, though it was still mostly in ice, “Man, my hands are f-freezing!” Chet said.

“Don’t be such a w-wuss!” Lorenzo said, trying to hide that his hands were also super cold.

“Don’t call me a wuss, wuss!” Chet said as he shoved Lorenzo. The two immediately began fighting again, and because of that, failed to notice the fossil had begun sliding back down the slope.

Cut to Geoff and Brody running to the Chill Zone with their platter while Katie and Sadie were just behind them with their fossil, “Surfer Dudes take fifth, BFFFLs sixth. Daters in seventh.” Don said as Ryan and Stephanie walked over to the Chill Zone while still making out.

Kelly and Taylor ran up with a platter in hand, both struggling to not puke, “You’re eighth! But… you’ve earned a one hour penalty.” Don announced.

“Wait, what!?” Taylor asked.

“After getting the Icelandic sentence wrong, you were both supposed to go back through the geyser field, but only Kelly did.”

“Ugh! Way to go, mom!” Taylor said in anger, “I sat around so long waiting for you that my butt fell asleep! And now we’ve got a penalty! You ruin my life!”

“You’re kidding, right? That was totally your fault.” Don said to Taylor.

“Excuse me!?”

Cut the Stepbrothers’ fossil sliding up to where Dwayne and Junior were mining, “Hey, how about that! And you were worried we were gonna come in last.” Dwayne said.

“I thought we had to chip the fossil out of the ice wall? Something feels wrong about this.” Junior replied.

“The only thing wrong would be us getting eliminated! Now come on!” Dwayne said as he and Junior began pushing the fossil out, just missing the Stepbrothers nearby looking for their fossil.

“Come on, where the heck did it go!?” Lorenzo asked.

“You should’ve been watching it!” Chet said in anger.

“Eighth place Best Friends and ninth place Brain and Brawn!” Don announced as Carrie, Devin, B, and Lighting reached the Chill Zone with fossils in hand just before Dwayne and Junior arrived pushing a fossil, “Father and Son, you’re the tenth team to arrive.”

“Wahoo!” they said in unison.

“Wait! That’s our fossil!” Chet yelled as he and Lorenzo ran up.

“I knew something was wrong.” Junior said sadly.

Dwayne sighed, “Fine, here ya go….” he said, only to be interrupted by Don.

“No sharesies! You two will have to try again.” Don said to the Stepbrothers.

“But-“ Lorenzo began.

“Don’t care.”

“But-“ Chet tried to say.

“Don’t care.”

“But-“ Lorenzo tried again.

“Don’t care.”

“We’ll get you for this, old man!” Chet yelled at Dwayne, who backed away nervously.

“We’re not gonna be able to find another fossil in time!” Lorenzo said in a panic.

“Then we’ve gotta go eat all that gross food!”

“This is totally your fault!” Lorenzo said as the duo started slapping each other while running towards the Feast.

Cut to Emma pushing the fossil to the Chill Zone while Kitty just watched, “Eleventh.” Don announced.

“This is all your fault! You’re the mom or whatever, you can’t just let me do anything you want because I’m beautiful.” Taylor said to Kelly, “Come on, act like a parent! Take charge!”

“Okay, fine. From now on, what I say goes.” Kelly said.

“You can’t tell me what to do.” Taylor said as she walked off.

Kelly sighed, “We’re totally gonna lose the next challenge.”

Cut to Chet and Lorenzo scarfing down the food as fast as they could while Spud watched, “Better hurry, Rock, they’re eating faster than us.” he said.

“Me! They’re eating faster than me!” Rock replied in annoyance.

Cut to the Police Cadets reaching the Chill Zone, “You’re twelfth!” Don announced.

“Yeesh, that was closer than I thought.” MacArthur said.

Cur back to the Stepbrothers and Rock trying to eat their feasts. Spud was still not doing anything.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“Eating that stuff was like the hardest thing ever! Other than like math or getting my driver’s license.”

Cut to the Adversity Twins reaching the Chill Zone with their fossil, “Thirteenth. You live to see another day.” Don told them.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“I don’t think we’ll be around much longer.”

“And we’ll probably be eliminated from the show soon, too.”

“That’s… what I was talking about?”

“Oh. Oh…”

“This just got really heavy.”

“For sure our penalty is up now?” Taylor asked.

“Nope.” Don said as Mary and Ellody ran up with their fossils, “Geniuses take fourteenth.”

Ellody let out a sigh of relief, “I told you we’d be alright.” Mary said.

“I hope it stays that way….” Ellody said.

“The last two teams are approaching!” Don said as Kelly and Taylor looked to see the Rockers and Stepbroters rapidly approaching, “…penalty over! Fifteenth!”

Kelly and Taylor let out sighs of relief. Just then, Rock hopped onto the Carpet of Completion as Spud bumped into him, “Rockers in sixteenth!” Don said as Spud let out a sigh of relief.

“Aww, man!” Lorenzo said as he and Chet arrived before they started to fighting again.

“Well, Stepbrothers, you are the last team to arrive. But I have good news! This is the first non-elimination round! You get to stay!” Don said.

“Wait, what!?” Chet asked they temporarily stopped fighting, “You mean we are all that gross food for nothing!?”

“We’re gonna get you for this, old man!” Lorenzo said as the two started fighting Don while the Geniuses, Rockers and Mother and Daughter looked on.

“Agh! Security! Next time on- ow- the  Ridonculous Race! Brazil! Help!” Don yelled as the Stepbrothers continued to fight him.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, our teams got geysered in Iceland. What fun! Then they had to either chip out l or choke down an Icelandic Thanksgiving Feast. The Goths came in first and went crazy. The Stepbrothers were forced to do both challenges and ended up in last. Lucky for them, it wasn’t an elimination challenge, so they got to stay. And I found out it really should’ve been.” he walked onscreen with an ice pack over his black eye, “I survived that, but one team won’t survive today. This is… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open on Don at the Chill Zone, “Here in Iceland, yesterday’s Chill Zone is today’s starting line, and yesterday’s winners, the Goths, are the first to get a travel tip.” he said as Ennui grabbed the tip.

“Huh. Brazil.” he read.

Cue the usual photo montage, “Sunny, sunny Brazil. Home to bossa nova music, makers of fine coffee, and other things that keep me awake at night. Teams will travel here on these chartered planes. The first ten teams take a direct flight. The last seven teams will arrive two hours later because they’re on the milk run. Literally.” Don said as mooing came from nearby.

Cut to a bunch of the top ten teams grabbing their tips and hailing a cab before reaching the airport, “Our first group of teams has reached the airport and are running to catch the first flight.” Don’s voiceover announced a before showing everyone boarding the plane.

“Good thing we’re not on the ol’ cow express, huh? All thanks to this baby!” Dwayne said to Junior as he held up the fossil they’d accidentally stolen from the Stepbrothers during the last challenge, “Kept it as a present for your mom.”

“I still feel bad about taking the Stepbrothers’ fossil. They had to do both challenges because of it.” Junior said.

“Well, it was an accident! We didn’t know it was theirs, pal. Besides, happy wife, happy life.” Dwayne replied before dropping the fossil, causing it to shatter on the runway.

“…well, it’s the thought that counts. C’mon.” Junior said as they boarded the plane.

On said plane, the Total Drama veterans, plus Brody, were watching Owen chew Beary’s ear nervously, “You alright, dude?” Geoff asked.

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“Owen’s a bit nervous about being on a military plane again.”

“Can you blame me? I almost died last time I was on one! And it landed on top of me and Izzy!”

“…hey, where’s Beary?” Owen asked before belching up stuffing and covering the others.

“…I think you just ate him.” Katie said. Owen screamed.

“Oh no! Will you hold me?” Owen asked the seven of them.

“I’d rather-“ Noah began before Owen squeezed him and the others into an unbearably tight hug, “-NOT!”

The Ice Dancers were watching this unfold and scowling.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“We lost to the Goths and Fashion Bloggers in Iceland. Iceland! That’s unacceptable.”

“Agreed. Last time I was this mad about where I placed, I got a new partner!”

Cut to the other teams boarding the second plane, “As the last teams board plane number two, our first team is preparing to leave.” Don’s voiceover announced… only for one of the tires to roll over the shattered fossil and pop.

“Sorry folks, flat tire. Must have rolled over something sharp.” the pilot said. Junior facepalmed while Dwayne looked guilty.

“In a stunning reversal, yesterday’s winners now look like losers, as plane number two is now in the air on its way to Brazil.” Don said as the camera showed the second plane in the air and the teams aboard sharing their space with a bunch of farm animals.

Chet and Lorenzo looked out the window as they were taking off and noticed the shattered fossil on the runway, “Hey, is that the fossil we found in the cave?” Lorenzo asked.

“I think so? …that means the old man dropped it and ruined it for everyone else!” Chet said before he and Lorenzo started laughing.

“We totally got back at him!”

“Yeah, so, no, I am not doing this.” Taylor said.

“Come on, Taylor, they’re just cows. You eat them, you wear them, just be one with the cow.” Kelly replied. Taylor was not amused.

—Interview: Kelly and Taylor—

“Everyone said we wouldn’t last two  days in this show, that we wouldn’t survive out of the hills. Well, you know, we may be a lot of things, but we’re not quitters.”

“I’m quitting.” Taylor said.

“Uh, if you stay, I’ll buy you a car!” Kelly replied.

“Okay, done.” Taylor said before a goat rammed into her.

Mary, having seen this interaction happen, walked over, “Pardon the interruption, I’m not a parent, in fact I’m hardly eighteen myself, but… is that really how you want to parent your child?” she asked Kelly.

“Ugh, she’s doing fine, I mean look at me, I’m amazing. Go hang out with the other weird girl.” Taylor interjected rudely.

Mary looked over at Kelly, who looked to be rethinking almost everything, “Alright, I’m going.” she said before walking away.

Nearby, Mickey and Jay were looking at a cow, “Well, they’re not making us sneeze, so that’s something. I wonder if being near so many actual cows will affect our lactose intolerance.” he said.

“I guess we’ll find out.” Jay replied.

“Yeah, don’t worry, that’s not how that works.” Mary said as she walked over.

“Uh… sorry, but who are you again?” Jay asked.

“…does anyone even know we’re here?” Mary asked herself as she walked back over to Ellody, who was frantically writing on a notepad, “What are you writing?”

“Well, I wrote out multiple pages of contingency plans for any challenge they might throw at us.” Ellody said as she flipped through pages, accidentally stopping at one that had multiple attempts at writing love poems on it, making Mary smile at Ellody while she blushed and quickly flipped back, “I-ignore that one. Point is, whatever happens, we’ll be ready.”

“Uh, Ellody? How can you have a plan when we don’t even know what the challenges will be?”

“I used all my knowledge on Brazilian culture to think through what they might make us do! Clever, right?” Ellody asked as she handed Mary the notebook.

Mary flipped through the pages, “Ellody, I’m not sure this is the right way to go about things. Shows like this require a lot of thinking on your feet. Whatever happens can totally blindside us.”

Ellody sighed, “I… guess that’s true. I just… I wanna be prepared. I’m not good at just winging things.”

“Hey, don’t worry, we’ll work through this. I’ve got your back. Oh, and by the way, I like this one the most.” she said as she handed the Ellody the notebook back with one of the unfinished love poems circled, making Ellody blush as Mary kissed her on the cheek.

“Flight number two has begun its descent into Brazil.” Don said as the camera showed the plane landing and everyone running over to the Don Box and grabbing their tips.

“It’s another Botch or Watch.” MacArthur said.

“In this Botch or Watch, whoever didn’t swim with sharks back in the Mediterranean must try to perform a traditional Brazilian rite of passage and stick their hand inside this mitt full of bullet ants to receive their next Travel Tip.” Don said as he placed a drumstick into the mitt, causing it to be eaten near instantly, “We didn’t make this up, this is insane!”

“Bullet ants, huh?” Kitty asked Emma as they walked over to where the others were.

“Named as such because of how much pain their bites cause. And the pain can last up to 24 hours.” Emma said.

“…great.”

Everyone watched and gasped as the ants threw the bone out of the mitt, which of course hit Mickey.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“I’ve been bitten by venomous creatures so frequently, I’ve developed an immunity! Last year on a school field trip to Seaville, a box jellyfish sat on my head like a hat!” they tried to high five, but missed, “We don’t high five much, it’s pretty new to us.”

“…so, uh, who’s up first?” Lorenzo asked. Nobody responded because nobody really wanted to do this.

“…okay, I-I think I have a plan. I’ll watch inside the mitt for as much time as need be to calculate the movement patterns of the ants. Then, I’ll stick my hand around the area the least frequent to-“ Ellody began.

“Ellody. We brought gloves.” Mary said as she pulled out a rubber glove.

“Oh. Right. Don’t need to overthink things. Right.” Ellody said as she put on the glove and walked over to the mitt.

“Ah, man! Why didn’t any of the rest of us think to do that!?” Rock asked.

Ellody pulled a tip out of the glove with ease, “‘Feeling devine? Swing your butts to the coconuts.’” she read.

Cut to Don screaming as he swung over a chasm with a vine, “Teams must cross this gorge by any means necessary and then search for their next tip hidden among these piles of coconuts.” he said as he pointed to coconut piles.

“Okay, let’s go!” Mary said as she and Ellody ran off.

“Called it!” Lorenzo said as he stuck his hand in the mitt, screaming as he pulled his very swollen hand out.

“Hey! It’s my turn to botch!” Chet said as he stuck his hand in and screamed as he pulled it out.

“No it isn’t! You did the shark thing!” Lorenzo said before sticking his swollen hand back in, screaming some more, and pulling out the tip before the duo ran off.

Mickey waked over to the mitt, only for MacArthur to ram into him and knock him away, “Hey, bullet ants! Welcome to the gun show!” she said before sticking her hand into the mitt and screaming.

“They’re on my person! They are on my person!” she yelled as she and Sanders ran off.

Mickey tried again to walk over, but Taylor ran up and glared at him, greatly scaring him, “Hey, he was here first. It’s his turn.” Kitty said.

“Ugh, fine, but I’m next.” Taylor said as she walked off.

“Uh, thanks!” Mickey said.

“You’re welcome!” Kitty replied.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“Cute girls don’t usually talk to us. Unless it’s stuff like ‘Are you okay?’ or ‘How fingers do you see?’”

“‘What’s your emergency contact? I can understand you when you’re sobbing.’”

“Y’know, stuff like that.”

Mickey grabbed two tips from the mitt and gave one to Kitty, “Here!” he said.

“Thank you!” Kitty said before taking a selfie with him.

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“What happened to our no alliance agreement?”

“I didn’t form an alliance! And I never agreed to your agreement.”

“Kitty’s in favor of trusting our competitors.”

“And Emma doesn’t trust anyone since Jake broke up with her.”

“That’s not- you’re so- ugh!”

Taylor took in a deep breath before blowing air towards the mitt, causing a tip to fly out.

—Interview: Taylor and Kelly—

“Doctors say my lung capacity is like so huge they can’t even measure it with their lung rulers or whatever.”

“When she was five, she held her breath for seven minutes until we bought her the very expensive Malibu Bonnie dollhouse she wanted.”

“It was totally wretched, I played with it once and threw it out.”

“Yeah, uh… great use of our money.”

Cut to the Geniuses at the cliffside, “Okay, if we calculate the wind resistance and use that alongside the distance between here and the other side, we should be able to calculate the optional-“ Ellody began as Mary sighed.

“Ellody. Honey. We don’t have a reliable way to calculate either that wouldn’t take up an obscene amount of time. This is a race, remember?” Mary asked.

“R-right. Okay. Go with the flow. …what do you suggest?”

Cut to Ellody screaming as Mary held her while they swung across the vine to the other side, “O-okay. Winging it. Yeah.” she said nervously.

“See? I told you things-“ Mary began, only for the Police Cadets to swing into them and knock them away.

“Yup! First place! That’s how the girls in blue roll!” MacArthur said, only for Lorenzo to slam into her and launch her away. Sanders laughed, only for Chet to slam into her and laugh. Mickey and Jay also swung on the vines, but before they could slam into Chet and Lorenzo, their vines snapped and they fell into the river below.

Cut back to Rock and Spud at the mitt, “C’mon, guy. You’ve gotta get the tip.” Rock said. Spud stuck his hand in and pulled out the tip. Despite his very swollen hand, he seemed fine.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“Spud’s got a delayed reaction to everything, including pain, so I don’t expect him to feel those hundreds of excruciating bites for like two hours! Then he’ll be all like, yow! And then like, ooh! And then like, eeeiyow!”

“Uh, what’re you talking about?”

Cut to everyone running off the other plane as it finally landed before they all ran to the mitt, “Get the tip!” Josse yelled as Jacques stuck his hand in. He screamed in pain before pulling out the tip.

“It stings like missing gold in Vancouver by half a point!” he yelled before they ran to the cliffside.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“Arriving late in Brazil means we had to up our performance!”

“Like the way I did during the Olympic trials.”

“Yes! Like the way we did that!”

Cut to MacArthur trying to karate chop a coconut, “Come on! Where are all the tips!?” she asked.

“Or you could use this.” Sanders said as she held out a mallet.

“I can do this.” she said as she started punching it. Sanders leaned over to hit it, but MacArthur pushed her away, “I said I got it!”

—Interview: Sanders and MacArthur—

“MacArthur can be, um, a bit of a control freak.”

“What can I say. I’m a lone wolf.”

“Who has a partner?”MacArthur started howling.

Cut to MacArthur howling, much to Sanders’ lack of amusement, “Okay, will you just give me that!?” Sanders asked as she hit it with the hammer, causing it to shatter and revealing the tip.

“Nice. I wore it down for you. You’re welcome.” Sanders looked like she wanted to strangle MacArthur, “Ah, it’s an All-In. And I said you’re welcome.”

“Ugh.”

Cut to Don wearing a feathery outfit, “In this All-In challenge, one team member has to make a headpiece, and the other a tail, worthy of walking the parade during Carnival. When this local approves of their handiwork, they’ll get their next tip.” he explained.

“Piece of cake.” MacArthur said.

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“I know how to make costumes. I went trick-or-treating as a beat cop for ten years straight.”

“Seriously? Every year?”

“Well, one time I mixed it up and went as a parole officer, so yeah.”

“The lady cops take the lead, and back at the bullet ants, teams from plane one are still botching or watching.” Don announced as the camera showed Geoff screaming with both of his hands swollen while Brody grabbed the tip from him.

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

“I pump iron, so once righty started swelling, I just had to switch to the left. Symmetry is what bodybuilding’s all about.”

“Dude, your mitts are ripped!”

“Hop on! And hold tight! Do it!” Kelly yelled as she and Taylor grabbed a vine.

“Mom, chill. You know screaming makes your neck waddle.” she said, further upsetting her as they swung across.

Meanwhile, Lorenzo was trying to smash a coconut with a rock, but he only sent it flying into a tree and then back into his face, “Ha! Watch and learn!” Chet said before dropping a coconut on a rock, causing it to bounce back into his face, causing Lorenzo to laugh at him, causing Chet to throw a coconut at him.

Meanwhile, Mickey and Jay had finally managed to climb back up to the top of the cliff, only for the Ice Dancers to bump into them immediately, “I can smell it! I can smell the gold!” Josee said as they ran past the Twins.

Jay looked at where Mickey landed and noticed his helmet had broken a coconut and revealed a tip, “Hey! You found a tip!” Jay said.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“Maybe our luck is finally starting to change! I mean, we found that tip without even trying! Sort of offsets the vine breaking and us falling down into the ravine!”

“Hooray….” he fell over.

“Wahoo!” Geoff yelled as he swung across the chasm.

“Yeah! Wahoo!” Brody said as he swung across, only to land on his crotch.

“Dude, you okay?”

“Totally… just have to walk it off….”

Cut to Taylor lounging around while filing her nails. Meanwhile, Kelly was breaking as many coconuts as she could, “Taylor, seriously, can you at least try to help!?” she asked.

“Ew, no. I don’t wanna get my hands all dirty.” Taylor replied.

“Taylor, you’re getting on my last nerve over here!” Kelly said angrily before breaking another coconut, revealing a tip, “Yes! Finally!”

“Omg, mom, arms down! You have pit stains!”

“They’re only noticeable because you insisted on me wearing this outfit in the rainforest!”

“Ohmigosh, chill.”

“…do you think her anger is because I told her she wasn’t parenting well?” Mary asked Ellody from nearby.

“Umm… I have no idea.” she replied before breaking a coconut and finding their tip, “Yes! Let’s move!”

Cut to B flailing his arm around as it was covered in bullet ants while Lightning tried to spray pesticide that B had given him on it. Meanwhile, Jen was grabbing her tip while wearing a hazmat suit, “Told you they’d come in handy.” Tom said.

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

“We brought hazmat suits with us in case one of the challenges would put our clothing at major risk.”

“But, since they also cover our hands, boom! No bullet ants!”

Cut to Ennui pulling the tip out of the mitt, “Ow.” he said.

“Don’t be so dramatic.” Crimson said as they walked off.

“O-okay, I think that’s all of them.” Lightning said as he stopped spraying pesticide, “…hey, where’s everyone else…? Sha-no, we’re in last place! Let’s move!”

B and Lightning started running as fast as they could, “No, man! That’s not fast enough!” Lightning yelled in a panic before lifting a very confused B over his head and running as fast as he could.

Cut to Rock and Spud reaching the cliffside, “Hey Spud, how’s your hand doing?” Rock asked.

“Fine, why?” he asked as he held up his non-swollen hand before noticing the other, “Woah, what happened?”

Spud then accidentally pushed a nearby tree over, causing it to fall and forming a bridge across the gap, “Right on! Good thinking, come on!” Rock said.

“I swear my hands were the same size this morning….”

Close behind, the Best Friends and Daters followed the across the tree. While the Rockers and Best Friends made it across just fine, the tree snapped in half afterwards, sending Ryan and Stephanie plummeting into the water below.

Noah, Katie, and Sadie swung across the gap, with Owen landing right on top of them. Jacque and Josee were hitting the coconuts with hammers while smiling at the camera. Ennui swung across the gap emotionless while holding an equally emotionless Crimson under his arm. Lightning and B swung across the gap right after and started rolling as they hit the ground, inadvertently rolling into a giant pile of coconuts.

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

“I’m gonna be honest, this challenge was really heavy for me.”

“Uh, why? It’s just a bunch of coconuts.”

“I know. It reminds me of my fallen brother.” he pulled out his wallet and with it, a picture of Mr. Coconut.

“…dude, you’ve really got a problem.”

“Alright, batter up!” Sadie said as she tossed a coconut to Katie, who hit it with a hammer midair, breaking it and causing a tip to fall out.

“Alright, yeah!” Katie said before reading the tip and gasping in joy, “We’re sewing! I know sewing! Let’s go!”

“They seem like they’re having fun today.” Owen said as Katie and Sadie ran off.

“Well, lucky them.” Noah said as he broke another coconut, revealing nothing.

Cut to the Surfer Dudes and Fashion Bloggers arriving at the sewing area, with seven other teams already hard at work, “This’ll be a piece of cake.” Tom said.

Meanwhile, the tip giver disapproved the Police Cadets’ outfit because the headpiece was made to look like a police cap, “No? No!? NO!? This is what I think of your ruling!” MacArthur yelled as she began stomping on the headpiece before Sanders dragged her away.

“There, the headpiece is done. How’s the tailpiece coming along?” Kelly asked, only to see that Taylor hadn’t even done anything, “Why aren’t you doing anything!?”

“Ohmigosh, chill, mom. Screaming’s not a good look on you.” Taylor replied nonchalantly.

“But you’re not doing anything!”

“Relax, most of the other teams aren’t even here. Besides, even if we lose, you’re still buying me a car.”

“I’m beginning to reconsider!” Kelly said as she began working on the tailpiece while Taylor just rolled her eyes.

“Still think it’s a bad idea to form an alliance with the Twins?” Kitty asked Emma.

“They’ll get us to think they’re on our side, and then wamm-o! They’ll dump us when we least expect it!” Emma replied.

“We would never do that!” Mickey said, his hands in his face.

“Yeah, we’re too soft for that!” Jay said.

“Ugh, fine. A trial alliance. That’s my only offer!” Emma said.

“Deal!” Jay said as he stuck his hand out, which Emma shook.

“You can take your hands off your face now.”

“I, uh, kinda glued it there. Heh.” Mickey said as Jay began trying to pull his brother’s hand off of his face.

Cut to Ryan finally climbing up from the gorge with Stephanie on his head, “I said, ‘Let’s use a vine, that tree’s about to crack!’ but did you listen!? No! Oh, the coconuts! Yay!” Stephanie said as they ran over to the coconuts.

Meanwhile, Owen had just finished walking one whole, “It’s okay, I got it down!” he said.

“Great, let’s wait eight hours and see if there was a tip in that one.” Noah said before poking Owen in the stomach with a stick.

“Ow! You got me right in the coconut!”

Cut to Mary working on her headpiece, “Alright! How’s the tailpiece coming along?” she asked, only to see Ellody holding her head in her hands as a snake finished eating the tailpiece.

“You’re right. You can’t plan around everything.” she said sadly.

“Ah! Feather-eating snake!” Rock yelled as everyone jumped out of the way of the snake as it began slithering through the middle of the area before eating Spud’s headpiece.

“Hm?” Sadie said as she looked over before gasping in pure joy at seeing the snake, “Katie Katie Katie look! It’s a green anaconda!”

“Oh, that’s cool!” Katie said as she watched it slither past.

“Did you know they’re the largest and heaviest snakes in the world? And the second longest other than reticulated pythons! They stay in water a lot while waiting for their prey!” Sadie began. Katie watched her lovingly as Sadie continued to ramble about green anacondas. She found it absolutely adorable.

Unfortunately, while she was watching Sadie ramble, she accidentally stopped paying attention to her sewing and poked a hole right through the tailpiece, “Oh, shoot! I gotta fix this!” she said. Sadie chuckled as she watched Katie work on the tailpiece and began staring at her lovingly. She thought she looked absolutely beautiful.

“Now what do we do?” Ellody asked Mary.

“We keep going! Yeah, this is a major setback, but we can’t give up. We can do this!” Mary said as she began helping Ellody make a new tailpiece. Ellody smiled.

“This just in, the Surfer Dudes have samba danced their way into first place!” Don’s voiceover said as Brody got the tip from the local and cheered before high-fiving Geoff, making him wince in pain.

“Ha! ‘Make your way to the Chill Zone!’” Brody said before cheering as they ran.

“Copacabana Beach is today’s Chill Zone. Teams must use one of the tandem hang gliders perched on the edge of that cliff to soar down like eagles…” Don said as the camera showed Geoff and Brody falling off the cliff into the water below because they weren’t holding onto the glider tight enough, “…of plummet like turkeys because they weren’t holding on tight enough.”

Cut to MacArthur wearing an outfit that consisted of three feathers on top of her hat and pants made entirely of blue feathers. The local disapproved, “It’s called being creative!” she yelled.

Cut to Devin finding a tip, causing him and Carrie to cheer as they ran ahead. Ennui found one after slamming two coconuts against his head while Crimson yawned, and Ryan stomped one and got a ticket that way. Lorenzo broke a coconut over Chet’s head and found a tip, “Hey! You are good for something after all!” he said before running off.

“Hey! No I’m not!” Chet yelled back.

“Let’s try that area over there!” Josee said as she tossed away a coconut, which ended up hitting Owen and causing another tip to fall out.

“Yes! Come on!” Noah said before he and Owen ran off.

“Back! Go back!” Josee yelled as Jacques tossed another coconut away, which hit Dwayne and revealed another tip.

“Well, whaddya know!” Dwayne said before he and Junior ran off, “Hurry!”

“Over there again!” Josee yelled as Jacques tossed yet another coconut away, which hit Lightning and, you guessed it, revealed another tip, leaving the Ice Dancers as the only one without one.

“Sha-score! Let’s move!” Lightning said.

“No! That’s ours! Give it to me!” Josee said as she tackled Lightning to the ground.

“No! B, save yourself, man!” Lightning said as he handed B the tip and began running. Jacques chased after him, and Josee tried to throw a coconut at B… only for it to hit Jacques in the head and break. But hey, it revealed a tip.

“Finally!” Josee cheered as Lightning ran past them and Jacques groaned in the ground.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“Tell me again what happened?”

“I told you, a monkey jumped down from a tree, picked up a coconut, and threw it at you.” Jacques squinted at Josee before looking toward the camera in obvious doubt.

Cut to the local approving Kelly and Taylor’s (no, actually, just Kelly’s) outfit, “Good, you didn’t mess it up.” Taylor said as they walked off, enraging Kelly.

Chet and Lorenzo walked up after them, glued together. But hey, they had the necessary parts, so they got their tip. And then began fighting over it.

Jacques and Josee slid over next in full red and purple outfits. Not just full head and tail pieces, but full body costumes. Needless to say, they got their tip.

“What the heck? Didn’t they just get here?” Noah asked.

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

She chuckled, “We’ve designed and created our own costumes since we were four. We can do this kind of stuff in our sleep.”

“Give us beads, sparkles, and a theme, and we’ll skate your dream.”

Katie and Sadie cheered as they got their outfit approved and ran off, with the local approving Crimson and Ennui’s all black outfit that made Crimson look like a crow.

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“Bright colors are for people who are trying to make up for the fact that they lead sad, monotonous lives.”

“Yeah.”

Cut to Kelly and Taylor gliding down, “First place, here we come!” Kelly cheered.

—Interview: Kelly and Taylor—

“I had to take full charge of the team. Apparently, the promise of a car made Taylor stop caring.”

“You’d do the same if I were you.”

“No, no I wouldn’t.”

“As the race for first place heats up, the race to not come in last is just getting started.” Don said as the camera showed the Sisters, Adversity Twins, Fashion Bloggers, and Father and Son getting their tips.

Cut to Kelly and Taylor reaching the Chill Zone, “Yes! First place!” Kelly cheered.

“We totally deserved it.” Taylor said unwarrantedly smugly.

“No, you deserve a thirty minute penalty, which you’re getting.” Don said.

“What!? Why!?”

“Each one of you were supposed to make a component of the costume, but Kelly made both of yours.”

“Ugh, seriously!? Mom, why didn’t you make me do something!?”

“I was trying to make you do something all day! But no, you just sat around doing nothing!”

“Omg mom, chill out.”

Just then, the Ice Dancers landed on the Chill Zone, “Ice Dancers, you’re in first place!” Don announced. Jacques and Josee got bouquets of flowers that came from who knows where.

“Yes! In your face, losers!” Josee said to Kelly and Taylor.

“Come on, mom, we lost to them. You gotta do better, you’re the mom, yo need to like take charge and stuff.” Taylor said.

“Fine! You’re grounded!” Kelly said.

“Uh, no, you can’t tell me what to do.”

“Yes I can! I’m your mom and I’ve had enough of your attitude!”

“You two think her attitude is a reflection of Kelly and her husband’s lack of any effort in parenting?” Don asked the Ice Dancers.

“Oh, absolutely.” Jacques replied as Kelly and Taylor kept arguing.

Cut to Lorenzo and Chet approaching the cliffside with their hang glider, “The fact is, I’m doing pretty well considering I’m glued to you!” Lorenzo said.

“Uh, that’s the only reasons you’re doing well! Fact!” Chet replied.

“Fact wrong!”

“Fact right! Stamped it, locked it, no erasies!” Chet said as Lorenzo groaned because apparently that means he lost the argument? …anyway, they fell off the cliff because they were glued together.

“Nice job! I’m being sarcastic!” Lorenzo yelled as they fell.

Cut to Don screaming as the Goths and BFFFLs arrived back to back, “Great flying birds of cotton candy death overload, the Goths are second and BFFFLs third.” he said as more teams arrived.

“Surfer Dudes in fourth, Stepbrothers take fifth, Father and Son in sixth.” Don said as the six teams continued to watch Kelly and Taylor argue.

“Okay, mom, it’s really not a good look on you that you’re so jealous that I win everything. It’s not my fault I have like a bajillion trophies.” Taylor said.

“That’s it, I’m admitting it! You’ve never won anything in your entire life!” Kelly replied.

“Uh, what?”

“You only have so many trophies because your dad bought a trophy store! That’s why they all come in the mail and they’re for things you’ve never even done!”

“Wait, what!?”

“…they are worse parents than I thought.” Don said.

“Oh yeah.” Dwayne said, happy to know he was the better parent in the race by a country mile.

“With time counting down and pressure mounting, more and more teams are finishing up their challenges.” Don’s voiceover said as the Daters, Police Cadets, Best Friends, and Reality TV Pros got their tips.

Cut to the Sisters and Adversity Twins at the cliffside, “We’ve got each others’ backs, right?” Kitty asked.

“You betcha!” Jay said as they cheered before leaping. And then Mickey sneezed, which blew them off course and caused their hang glider to puncture theirs and sending them crashing onto the Chill Zone in pain.

“Ow… trial’s over, alliance terminated.” Emma said.

“…sorry guys, I gotta go with my sis on this one.” Kitty said.

“Totally fair.” Mickey said.

“The Twins and Sisters tie for seventh.” Don said as Tom and Jen glided in, “And it looks like the Fashion Bloggers are ninth.”

“Yeesh, are you guys alright?” Jen asked as she and Tom helped the Twins and Sisters up.

“Better now.” Kitty said as Jen pulled her up.

“That’s good to hear. Love your hair, by the way.” Jen said as Kitty smiled before the six of them joined in on watching the spectacle of bad parenting.

“Psst hey can we form an alliance with the Fashion Bloggers?” Kitty whispered to Emma.

“I know that look on your face, you’re just asking because you think Jen’s hot.” Emma whispered back.

“I- yeah….”

“Out of the way!” Noah yelled as he and Owen crashed right in front of the finish line as the next two teams ran past them.

“Daters take tenth and Best Friends in eleventh.” Don announced as Noah and Owen pulled themselves out of the ground.

“Incoming!” MacArthur yelled as she and Sanders landed, pushing the Pros onto the Carpet of Completion before them.

“Reality TV Pros in twelfth and Police Cadets in thirteenth.” Don announced.

“Sha-finally! We’re way too behind now, come on!” Lightning yelled in a panic as he, as well as Mary and Rock finally got their tips.

Cut to Lightning and B crashing onto the Carpet of Completion as the Geniuses landed next to them, “Brain and Brawn in fourteenth and Geniuses in fifteenth.” Don declared.

“Phew!” Lightning said as B wiped sweat off of his forehead.

“That was too close….” Ellody said. Mary nodded in agreement.

“Rock and roll!” Rock cheered as he and Spud landed a little ways away from the Chill Zone. Suddenly, Spud groaned in pain and looked at his hand and began screaming, “Yeah, I think he feels the bug bites now.”

Spud began running in pain while Rock hopped onto his back, “Mother and Daughter, your penalty is up!” Don declared, but it was too late, as Spud ran past them onto the Carpet of Completion with Rock in tow before they could move. They didn’t even hear him anyway.

“Rockers in sixteenth, second last place! Attention, Mother and Daughter!” Don yelled.

“What!?” Kelly and Taylor said in unison as they turned to see all the teams had arrived.

“Yeah. From first place to last. You’ve been cut from the race.” Don said.

“Fine! Taylor didn’t deserve to win this anyway.” Kelly said as she stormed off. Taylor scoffed and stormed after her while everyone looked on, feeling incredibly awkward.

”Uh… four teams have been cut. Next time, things will really get ugly. Stay tuned for more of… the Ridonculous Race!”

A montage played of the Mother and Daughter’s short time on the show, “That ended terribly.” Taylor said bitterly.

“And it wouldn’t have if you actually tried!” Kelly said.

“Well, now I don’t feel the need to try anything because apparently all my awards for winning stuff was fake. You clearly didn’t parent me right.”

“Yeah, you know what? We didn’t. …we really didn’t… me and your dad are gonna have a long talk about this when we get home.”

“…hey, do I still get the car?”

“No.”

“What!?” Taylor asked in shock as the episode came to a close.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, some teams had more fun than udders. The ants came marching one by one, and an alliance between the Sisters and the Adversity Twins ended before it started. The pressures of the race started to get to the Daters, and the Ice Dancers came in first. Mother and Daughter finished first, but thanks to a penalty they ended up getting pushed all the way to last place, and we said goodbye as they… showed they really don’t have a healthy dynamic. Anyway, 16 teams remain. Find out who’s rounding out our bottom five on… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

“Last episode’s Chill Zone was here on Copacabana Beach, which is the starting point for today’s race. Leaving first will be the Ice Dancers.” Don announced as they hopped into frame.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“We’ve won gold for the second time! Today, we’ll use our lead to widen the gap even more!”

“Oh, we’ll move so fast that we’ll lose our camera crew!”

“Then, we’ll slow down until they catch up, because our fans deserve to see us perform!”

Jacques hit the button and grabbed the tip, “‘Make your way to Dracula’s Castle on Transylvania.’!?” Jacques read in shock.

The photo montage of Transylvania began as Don began talking with plastic vampire teeth in, “Tranzilzania! Tranzilzania!” he spit the teeth out, “Transylvania! Home of majestic mountains, old Saxon architecture, and the birthplace of the heebie jeebies. Teams must travel here to this castle to receive their next tip.” he announced.

Cut back to the beach, “This shuttle bus will take you to the airport.” he told the Ice Dancers.

“First place! First place! First place!” they cheered as the boarded.

Cut to the Ice Dancers scowling as every other team also boarded at the same time because they were all taking the same bus.

“What is this strange feeling…?” Crimson asked Ennui.

“I fear it may be… happiness.” he said with about as much fear as you could discern from his monotone voice.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“Transylvania. I can’t believe it.”

“Awesome.”

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

They were outside the bus now, “We are disappointed. It seems all the other teams are taking the same bus!” Josee began throwing things in a rage, “Oh, Josee will be okay. She’ll rage herself to sleep.”

Cut to Josee snoring on the bus, “Stupid show… gold medal….” she mumbled.

Meanwhile, Tom looked ecstatic, “Can I show them? Let me show them!” he asked Jen.

“Yesyes, show them!” Jen said excitedly.

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

He put on a fez, “I bought them off a local here, who, as it turns out, is a distributor!”

“So Tom ordered four thousand of them to be shipped home.”

“I am gonna make fezes happen!”

“Put yours on!” Tom told Jen.

“Uh… maybe later.” she replied apprehensively.

Cut to the bus arriving at the airport and the man at the counter watching in terror as 32 people ran inside the building all at once to book a flight to Transylvania. Thankfully, they all formed a line. Unfortunately for everyone, the Daters were at the back of that line.

“There are only two flights to Transylvania and we are not getting stuck on flight number two! No way!” Stephanie yelled.

“But we….” Ryan tried to begin.

“Pick me up and throw me to the front!”

“Ah, Steph, I can’t do-“

“Pick me up!” she yelled. Ryan gulped nervously.

“Take cover!” MacArthur yelled as she got her ticket while Stephanie flew directly into the man at the desk.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“Ryan had voiced some concerns about how competitive I’ve been getting.”

Ryan looked incredibly nervous as he cleared his throat, “I need to try harder so that Stephanie doesn’t feel the need to the constant and lone motivator.”

“Ha! We are so going to win this!”

“The first eight teams are on flight number one.” Don announced as the camera showed the Daters, Father and Son, Goths, Sisters, Police Cadets, Brain and Brawn, Ice Dancers, and Surfer Dudes boarding the plane.

Cut to Sanders and MacArthur, “We did really well on the first couple of days, but at the last two Chill Zones, we came in twelfth and thirteenth.” Sanders said to the camera.

“But, we got ourselves on the first flight today, so we’d back in kicking butt mode! Woo! Ha!” MacArthur cheered.

“What she said.” Lightning said as the camera panned over to him and B, “We came in fourteenth yesterday. That’s bottom four! And that’s unacceptable! I’ve gotta step up my game!”

B looked confused as to why Lightning seemed nervous saying that.

“The remaining eight teams in flight number two leave 45 minutes later, a hurdle that may be difficult to overcome.” Don announced as the camera showed the Reality TV Pros, Best Friends, Geniuses, Fashion Bloggers, Adversity Twins, BFFFLs, Stepbrothers, and Rockers waiting around in the airport, some keeping themselves occupied or making small talk.

“C’mon, Rock. I know you wanted to be on that first flight. Hey, what can I do to cheer you up?” Spud asked his teammate.

“You could help us win this round! We can do it, we just gotta dig deep!” Rock replied.

“Yeah, let’s do it!”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

“Are… are you just telling me what I wanna hear?”

“Yeah, and man did you look happy.”

“Plane number two has finally departed from Brazil as plane number one touches down in Romania.” Don announced as the camera showed flight one landing and the teams getting off. They were immediately greeted by a thunderstorm and a winding path that led to the castle that frightened a good amount of them. The Goths, on the other hand, were internally cheering in pure excitement.

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“Wow. Okay, Dracula was the first goth ever. He was our king. To be here is just… I can’t… ég er svo….”

“Hey, that was close. You almost got color on your face.” a wolf howled nearby.

—Interview: Brody and Geoff—

“There’s no taxis around, but we look up the road and there’s the castle.”

“Ah, so creepy. I got goosebumps!”

“Ah, dude, I nearly took a goose dump!” the two then laughed at Brody’s incredibly immature joke before fist bumping.

Cut to the teams running up the path, with the Goths for once in the lead, “Move it!” MacArthur yelled as she passed the Ice Dancers.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there!” Josee said as she slapped Sanders, sending her tumbling back down the hill and colliding with Dwayne and Junior.

“Officer down! Shots fired!” MacArthur yelled before tackling the Ice Dancers.

Cut to the interior of the second plane, “So, you guys do a fashion blog? That is so cool! Which one of you guys started?” Carrie asked Tom and Jen.

“I did.” Tom and Jen in unison, surprising each other.

“No, I did.” Tom said.

“I did!” Jen declared.

“I did! No, I did!” they said in unison.

Carrie nervously ducked back behind her seat as the Fashion Bloggers continued to argue. Having watched the whole ordeal, Noah smirked a tad, “And that my friends is their fate sealed. Hope none of you planned on getting attached to them.” he said to Owen, Katie, and Sadie.

“What?” Sadie asked.

“I’ve been on enough reality shows. When you see an argument like that start, you can bet they won’t be traveling to the next country with us. Meh, this is why you don’t get attached to your competitors.”

“…dude, are you doing okay?” Owen asked.

“I know you’re usually cynical, but you’ve kinda seemed extra cynical since this race started. Is everything alright?” Katie asked.

“…I’m fine. Don’t worry.” Noah said. The other three were in fact worried.

—Interview: Jen and Tom—

“Okay, you typed it up, but it was my idea, so I was the creator, and you were more like… a secretary.”

“I’m sorry, what!?”

Cut to the Daters reaching the Don Box, “Yeah, baby! First ones here!” Stephanie cheered.

“Wait, how is that possible? The Goths were so far ahead of us!” Ryan pointed out. The camera then panned to the inside of a nearby tower where the Goths were admiring a painting of Vlad the Impaler.

“Doesn’t Vlad look striking?” Ennui asked.

“I see similarities.” Crimson replied.

“Stop, you’ll make me blush.”

Cut back to Stephanie reading the tip, “It’s an All-In! Aww, I love it when we get to do things together.” she said.

“In this All-In challenge, teams must enter Dracula’s Castle and find an empty coffin.” Don said as the camera cut to show him rising from a coffin, “Whoever took the tip from the Don Box must then drag the coffin to the graveyard with their teammate inside and then rip it into an open grave. Creepy.”

Cut to Brody, Emma, Lightning, and Junior holding their tips, “‘Complete your task to get your next tip from the local gravedigger.’” Brody read.

“‘The teammate in the coffin may not get out or help at all.’ Oh boy….” Dwayne said nervously.

Meanwhile, MacArthur and Josee were holding each other in a headlock on the ground on top of Jacques while Sanders watched judgingly, “You are making us fall behind!” MacArthur yelled.

“Then let go!” Josee yelled back.

“Never gonna happen!”

“As the Police Cadets and Ice Dancers play in the mud, plane number two arrives carrying the last eight teams.” Don said as the camera showed them all running out of the airport before Jay and Mickey came to halt.

“Oh boy….” Jay said in fear.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“We know vampire aren’t real, we aren’t silly kids. But… werewolves are a different story.”

“And if they can smell fear, then I’m in trouble because I am doused in Ode de Terrified!”

“Last one to the top eats snot!” Lorenzo said before shoving Chet.

“No, wait, stay with the group!” Jay yelled out to the Stepbrothers as everyone else ran close together. Well, almost everyone else.

“Okay, let’s just get to the castle.” Jen said sternly. They were not moving.

“That’s what the tip said! Or did you wanna take credit for that idea, too?” Tom asked.

Cut to the Surfer Dudes, Brain and Brawn, and Sisters walking through the castle together, “…and then he screamed, ‘Dude, that moose doesn’t need mouth to mouth, it’s just a head on the wall!’” Brody said as they came across a moose head on the wall. Everyone laughed, except for B, who still smirked and rolled his eyes, and Emma, who was not having any of this whole getting along thing.

“Okay, time out! Let’s split up. Kitty and I will continue down this hall, and your four can… go away.” Emma said.

“Rad idea! If we find the coffins, we’ll call you with our secret signal!” Brody said before he and Geoff jumped up and down and made genuinely indescribable noises.

“Sha-awesome idea!” Lightning said before jumping up and down and making noises with them. B glared at Emma for her rude dismissal that would be obvious to anyone except for these three himbos before smiling as Kitty took a selfie with him and the jumping jocks. Emma sighed bitterly.

Cut to MacArthur grabbing the tip, “Hustle!” she yelled as she and Sanders followed the Ice Dancers. However, they were so far behind that the Stepbrothers had also just reached the Don Box. Lorenzo pressed the button.

“Ha! I made it first! Let me get you some snot to eat!” Lorenzo said.

“No way!” Chet said back before grabbing my the tip, “‘Whoever took the tip must-‘ WHAT!?”

“Ha!”

Sadie pressed the button and read the tip, “Ah, it’s a good thing you don’t have claustrophobia.” she said.

“Why? Is this a challenge that might make me develop it?” Katie asked.

“Oh yeah.” she said before looking over at Noah, who was holding the tip as well.

“…y’know, I think I might die today.” he said after reading the tip.

“Okay, so I have to… carry you in a coffin to a graveyard. Great, my worst fear. You dying.” Ellody said as she held the tip.

“Ellody, I’m not going to die. I’ll still be able to talk to you through the coffin. I’ll be with there with you, okay?” Mary said. Ellody felt comforted, but was still panicking on the inside.

Cut to Junior shutting the coffin door on his dad, “Now don’t get out or do anything that will get us penalized!” Junior said before trying to push it over, only for it to fall on top of him.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“I’m loving all the Father and Son time. Dwayne Junior is the best! I mean, he’s almost too obedient! I wanna teach him that part of growing up is thinking for yourself, deciding what rules can be ignored.”

“So I can ignore my curfew?”

“Well, no, you can’t-“

“Drive your car?”

“You better not touch my-“

“Quit school?”

“No! Nonono-“

“Get a tattoo?”

“You’re grounded!”

“Will any of these teams get out of Dracula’s Castle unharmed?” Don asked as the camera showed the Police Cadets being chased by bats and the Sisters falling through a trapdoor, “Probably not.”

Cut to Stephanie and Junior dragging their respective partners into the graveyard. Comedically, Ryan’s legs were sticking out of the coffin.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“My girl is bionic! She’s stronger than most people. Fasted and smarter, too.”

“I’m just trying to keep up with my superhero here! He’s so mighty!”

“I’m not sure if you can see it at home, but I’m 75% upper body!”

They began kissing again.

As Junior struggled to pull his dad along, Josee was constantly flipping over her team’s coffin as Jacques screamed in pain each time.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“I know it’s a race, but with the way Josee was moving that coffin, I was going to end up covered in bruises!”

“You mean like if someone held you above their head and dropped you on the ice face first in a stadium full of people on the most important day of your life? That kind of covered in bruises?”

Jacques eyes looked to the camera as if he was screaming for help.

Cut to the Goths admiring the coffins, “Ah, vintage hexagon oak wood with Corinthian leather interior. Nice.” Ennui said as Crimson hopped inside.

“Take me to the gravedigger.” Crimson said as Ennui shut the coffin.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“Modern coffins are so flimsy.”

“When I die, I wanna be buried in one that was made during the plague. They really knew how to make a coffin last.”

“So true.”

Cut to Mickey carrying Jay’s coffin because I guess somehow they sped all the way to one of the coffin rooms before half of the teams on flight one, “My legs are cramping! My hands hurt! I just… can’t… do it…!” Mickey said as he fell, with the camera landing on top of him.

“Hey, if Mickey can’t do it, I probably couldn’t do it either.” Jay said to the camera inside the coffin (yes they all had cameras), “If this is where it ends, this is where it ends.”

Suddenly, they heard three sources nearby of genuinely incomprehensible noise, “Werewolf? Werewolf!” they yelled in unison.

“The door’s stuck! I can’t get out, man! Door stuck! Door stuck! Help!” Jay yelled.

“I won’t leave you behind!” Mickey yelled before using his adrenaline rush to lift the coffin… only for it to fall back on top of him.

Turns out the noise was Geoff, Brody, and Lightning making their signal noise in a nearby coffin room while B struggled to contain his laughter. Despite his laidback and generally smart attitude, he found Lightning’s dumb yet energetic antics endearing most of the time.

“Huh, I guess the girls can’t hear us.” Brody said.

“Oh well, hop in!” Lightning said as B and Geoff entered the coffins. Suddenly, they all heard screaming as the Sisters fell through a hole in the ceiling.

“Ah, sweet, guess you did hear us! Got you an extra coffin!”

Meanwhile, Josee was still flipping the coffin while Jacques screamed as they approached the empty graves… where Chet was already pushing Lorenzo’s coffin inside, “Huh? Weren’t you two on the second flight?” Josee asked.

“Yeah. So!?” Chet asked.

“Hey, who are you talking to?” Jacques asked, only for he and Lorenzo to both scream ad their coffins were pushed into the grave, breaking them and setting them free, “Hey, is that the grave digger!?”

The grave digger was a hunch backed, gargoyle looking man with a shovel, “Well he isn’t the ice cream man….” Lorenzo said nervously.

“There’s ice cream!? Ooh, lemme out!” Owen said from inside his coffin, only to scream as Noah and Sadie pushed it into the grave before pushing Katie into hers.

“C’mon, nerd!” Lorenzo said as he stepped out of the grave, only for he and Chet to scream and fall back into the grave as the grave digger pulled out a rusty machete. They then realized the tip was on the machete. Lorenzo grabbed it, “Oh, thanks. ‘Ride on horseback to the Romanian Gymnastic Training Center and find the Don Box.’ Horseback?”

The four teams heard neighing behind them and saw a bunch of horses nearby.

—Interview: Chet and Lorenzo—

“Sweet, we’re in first place!”

“Yeah, last time I won anything was that medal for being awesome!”

“Uh, you stole that from my cereal box!”

“Stop ruining my moment, buttspray!” they began fighting again.

“Now, try to lower me in slowly kiddo, so that-“ Dwayne began, only to feel himself fall into the grave.

Cut to Tom and Jen in a coffin room, “I hope there’s enough room for your giant head and all your great ideas in there.” Tom said sarcastically.

“It’ll be nice to have you carry me for a change.” Jen said as she shut the coffin.

“The only change is that this time you’re in a coffin.” Tom said before pushing the coffin over.

Cut to Ennui dragging Crimson’s coffin, only for her to say, “Stop!” so Ennui let go of it. Crimson then rose from the coffin vampire style because of course she did.

“I know it’s against the rules, but this might be your only chance. Well, the only one you’ll remember. Let’s switch!” Crimson said. She and Ennui then swapped place.

Cut to Ryan getting the tip from the grave digger and smiling, only to see Stephanie scowling.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“It took us a little while to find the graveyard.”

“Just say it! It took me a while to find the graveyard, me!”

“Hey, we’re still ahead of most of the teams.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“We’re a great team.” while before he was sure of that, he was now beginning to have his doubts.

Cut to the Goths walking away with their tip as the Surfer Dudes and Brain and Brawn made small talk with the grave digger, “Dude, the way you snuck up on us was epic! Epic!” Brody said.

Suddenly, Emma grabbed the tip from the grave below them, “You guys can take the next one.” she said as Kitty took a selfie with the grave digger.

Cut to Mickey and Jay both falling into the grave.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“So, there was no werewolf.”

“But believing there was pushed us farther than we thought we could go!”

“I’ll just tell people I spilled water on my pants.”

“I wonder if the fear is helping some of the other teams.”

Cut to the fear definitely not helping Ellody, who was moving bizarrely fast despite carrying Mary in a coffin on her back, “Uh, Ellody? You’re moving awfully fast, are you sure you don’t wanna slow down?” Mary asked.

“D-don’t worry…” Ellody said in between breaths, “I calculated… the fastest… possible foot movement… to get us there… faster….”

Mary’s concern for her girlfriend grew even more, “Ellody, when I say we should think things through more on the fly, I don’t mean calculating your every movement and pushing yourself as hard as humanely possible. Speaking of which, are you sure you can handle this much strain on your muscles? You’re not the most physically gifted….”

“I’m fine. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m-“ Ellody’s attempts at saying she was fine was cut off by both her and Mary falling into an open grave, shattering the coffin. As soon as they crawled out of it, Ellody brought her knees to her chest, her anxiety finally getting the better of her, “I’m not fine, I’m not fine, I’m not fine, I’m not fine, I’m not fine.”

The grave digger, seeing this going on, handed the tip to Mary before rushing off to find if one of the other four teams had arrived to give the brainiac space to comfort her girlfriend. Mary sat down next to Ellody and put her hand on her back, “Deep breaths. You know how this works.”

After Mary led Ellody in breathing, her panicked crying and constant spouting of “I’m not fine” was replaced with a slow, quiet sobbing, “Ellody. Talk to me. What’s going on?” Mary said worriedly.

“I can’t stop messing up.” Ellody replied quietly.

“Ellody, you’re not messing up.”

“But I am! I… I can’t do anything unless I plan everything out beforehand and when I try to just go with the flow and wing it I end do massively overcalculating and just cause more problems. I can’t solve any challenges here on my own, I can’t do anything here on my own!”

“Ellody, you don’t have to do everything on your own. This is a team effort, remember? I’m here with you.”

“But that’s just the thing! Every single challenge has been solved by you! And I keep trying to make up for it by coming up with some kind of strategy, but whenever I do, I just end up floundering! I can’t do anything unless every meticulous detail is planned out and because of that I’m… I’m just holding you back.”

“…when you say you’re “holding me back”, you don’t just mean in this race, do you?”

“…I don’t just mean in this race, no. You’re amazingly brilliant and I’m someone who can’t do anything without at least five minutes of prep time. Really, there’s-“

“You’re wrong.”

“Huh?”

“You’re not holding me back at all.”

“But I am! You’re a flawless genius who can do anything she sets her mind to while I go into a state of panic the second even the most minute detail goes off course!”

“I’m flattered you see me as flawless, really, but I’m not. Sure, I’m more of a quick thinker and don’t have severe perfectionism issues like you do, but I have my own slew of issues. I struggle to see the bigger picture of more drawn out plans. I’m painfully nervous when in front of most people. Ellody, you don’t hold me back, you anchor me.”

“I… really? I do?”

“Of course you do. We balance each other’s issues out seamlessly. When I’m around you, I feel so much more capable of accomplishing things in my life. The problem that’s been going on is that you view yourself as a burden for messing something up and feel like you have to make it up to me by pushing yourself more and more until you reach a point of pure panic.”

“That… does sound accurate.”

“You don’t have to make anything up to me. Just being here with me is enough.”

“It is?”

“Ellody, we go together flawlessly. I feel so much more capable and confident in myself just by having you by my side. Don’t you feel the same way?”

“Absolutely! I was just… worried you didn’t view it that way. So I thought if I didn’t push myself and prove my worth, I’d just come across as even more of a burden.”

“Ellody, I love you. I’ll never see you as a burden. I’ll tell you what, once we make it back home, we’re gonna work on your perfectionism issues and get you more comfortable with going with the flow, okay?”

“…okay. …thank you for just… sticking with me.” Ellody said with a soft smile, her tears finally beginning to stop.

“Anytime. You’re my favorite person in the world, y’know.”

Ellody chuckled and rested her head on Mary’s shoulder, “I wanna marry you.”

Mary chuckled, “We’re a bit young for that.”

“I know, it wasn’t a serious proposal, I just meant someday in the future.”

“Me too.”

“Can we sit here for a little while so I can make sure I’m fully grounded here?”

Mary paused for a moment and looked at the travel tip on the ground next to her. She thought for a second, before pushing it to the side, “Of course we can.”

Cut to Chet and Lorenzo riding on horseback, “There’s the training center- huh?” Lorenzo said as the Ice Dancers passed by them. With the Police Cadets still just entering the graveyard, it was the Stepbrothers’ turn to be creeped out by the Ice Dancers constant smiles as now even their horse was smiling towards the camera.

The Ice Dancers arrived at the training center and grabbed their tip from the Don Box, “It’s a Botch or Watch! Ha! Gymnastics!” Jacques said as he and Josee chuckled towards the camera.

“Gymnastics. Nastics that take place in a gym. Whoever didn’t face the bullet ants in Brazil must perform two gymnastic feats. First, walk a balance beam and land a split jump at the center.” Don said as the camera showed him doing just that, “I was on the high school team.”

He then got hit in the crotch with a football.

“Second, complete a flip over this vaulting horse!” Don tried to do that, but ended up landing on his crotch, “Get a thumbs up from this local judge, Bala Karaoke-“ Don said as he pointed to the mustachioed man next to him.

“I hate everything.” Bala said.

“-and it’s a footrace down that road to the Chill Zone. Last team to arrive could be headed home. …do you have any ice?”

Cut to Josee kissing her lucky rabbit’s foot before flawlessly moving across the balance beam and flipping over the vaulting horse as Bala gave her a thumbs up, “Hello, first place!” she and Jacques said in unison as they ran out of the building.

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“Of course I’m good at gymnastics, it’s a lot like ice dancing. Only in our sport you wear knives on your feet and there’s no soft padding to land on if you fall. Just a rock hard layer of solid ice, Jacques!”

“I said I was sorry!” Josee, on the other hand, was not sorry for insulting the gymnastics community.

“The race for first may be nearing its end, but the race for not last is still ongoing.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed Sanders tackling MacArthur’s coffin into the grave before getting her tip and Tom pushing Jen’s coffin into another grave.

“Ow! I broke three nails!” Jen said as Tom smirked, only to scream and fall on top of her as he saw the tip on the machete.

—Interview: Jen and Tom—

“Tom was taking breaks every ten feet. He needs to work out more.” (true)

“Or maybe Jen could lay off the bread a little?” (false)

Jen gasped, “Fez hats are ridiculous and you’ll never make them popular!” (false)

Tom gasped, “Um, you mean like the time you tried to make plaid leg warmers happen!?” (true)

Jen gasped, “I can’t even-“ (true)

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“How are we in the bottom five again? We’re better than this, right?”

“Yes!” Spud said as he got his tip.

“Why are you all like ‘woohoo!’? We’re in the ‘womp-womp’ bottom five, man.” Rock said.

“Usually we’re in the bottom three.”

“Ice Dancers, congrats, you’re in-“ Don began as they ran into the Carpet of Completion.

“First place! Wahoo!” Josee cheered as she leapt into the air “Still the champs!”

Don got very annoyed as the duo laughed and waved at the camera.

Cut to Chet gracefully moving across the balance beam with ease. Meanwhile, Owen was trying to spring over the hurdle, but he couldn’t bounce off of said spring. And then Katie slipped and fell off of the balance beam.

Meanwhile, while Noah was watching Owen desperately trying to get the spring to work, Emma sprinted up, leapt onto Owen’s head and effortlessly flipped off of it. Seeing this, Noah was… impressed to say the least. Impressed to the point that it made his stomach feel weird.

He was also impressed to the point that he didn’t notice he’d walked onto the mat where the contestants were supposed to land and Owen landed right on top of him. And then so did Katie. But Bala approved both of them as Emma grabbed Kitty and left the building.

Meanwhile, Chet sprinted towards the spring and flawlessly flipped over the hurdle, impressing both Bala and Geoff, who happened to be nearby, “Hey, he’s pretty good!” Geoff said.

“Tch, yeah, because he takes rhythmic gymnastics. If he had any guts, he’d sign up for my class, the ancient art of karate! Hyah!” Lorenzo yelled as he chopped the air.

“Ah, that’s sweet, dude! You bring different skills to the table. Totally makes you a good team!”

“Good team!? As if! Yeah right! No-“

“I’m done, you coming or what!?” Chet asked.

“Yes!” Lorenzo said.

Cut to next three teams reaching the Chill Zone, “BFFFLs take second, Reality TV Pros in third, Sisters take fourth.” Don announced.

“Yes!” Emma cheered.

Meanwhile, most of the other contestants were on the gymnastics section, Dwayne was falling off the bar while Crimson had no issue, and Lightning and Sanders were acing the hurdle and getting their tip, “The race for first is over, and now it’s the race for anything but last.” Don’s voiceover announced as Ryan stepped onto the beam. He tried to do the jump, but ended up falling off as Stephanie glared at him.

“Get up, Ryan! Shake it off! Hurry!” Stephanie yelled before attempting to regain composure, “If you can.”

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“I’m staying calm.”

“Yeah, you’re doing great, baby.”

“I’m doing great, baby. But you could be doing greater! That’s what we need right now! Greater!”

Ryan’s eyes had the look of ‘send help’ in them.

Cut to more teams reaching the Chill Zone, “Stepbrothers take fifth, Brain and Brawn in sixth.” Don announced.

“Sha-yeah! Let’s go!” Lightning said as he punched B in the arm, causing him to fall over.

Cut to Jay slowly crawling across the beam as Mickey cheered him on. Meanwhile, Devin landed on his back at the hurdle and got disapproved. Rock leapt off of the spring while doing air guitar, doing even more as Bala approved him.

Meanwhile, Ryan was still struggling, “It’s called a balance beam, not a wobble beam! Balance!” Stephanie yelled as Ryan landed on his crotch, much to her frustration.

Cut to the Goths at the Chill Zone, “You’re in seventh place! Or, would be in seventh place if you hadn’t broken the rules with the coffin. Ten minute penalty.” Don announced.

“Totally worth it.” Crimson said.

Cut to Tom jumping over the hurdle without the springboard. Bala didn’t approve this.

“You got this, baby!” Stephanie said as she pushed Ryan towards the springboard. He ran up… and tripped, landing face first on the board and getting bounced back.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“What is your problem!?”

Cut to Jay landing on his back as Bala disapproved before cutting back to the Chill Zone, “Police Cadets in seventh, Rockers take eighth, Surfer Dudes in ninth, Father and Son place tenth, with Best Friends taking eleventh. With only four teams yet to finish, the Goths look nervous.” Don said as the Goths did not look nervous.

Cut to Jay landing on his feet after the springboard through pure luck, which Bala approved, “Awesome!” Jay yelled.

Meanwhile, Ryan bounced straight up with the springboard and landed on the hurdle itself. On his crotch.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“Ugh, do you know who wins gold medals doing this!? Twelve year old girls!” this would’ve evoked Chet’s anger if he was there.

“Yelling at me isn’t helping.”

“It’s a Botch or Watch. I’m not allowed to help you!”

Meanwhile, Tom almost nailed the flip, but got his head stuck in the lamp and got electrocuted, falling to the ground and not getting approved. Seeing this, Jen gasped and ran over to the springboard, flipping off of it better than anyone other than maybe Chet or Emma had all night, and landed next to Tom, “Tom!? Tom, are you okay!?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, I’m so bad at gymnastics… you know my strengths start and end at coordinating clothing, if you were doing this, we’d already be done. You’re so good at this stuff.” Tom replied from the floor.

“Tom, you’re great at everything you put your mind to. So great it’s annoying, but great.” Jen replied as she hugged his head.

“Thank you, sweet girl. I won’t let you down, I can do this!”

“I know you can!” Jen said as she put on a fez.

“You do not get to quit on me! You get back in there and start thinking like a twelve year-old girl, mister!” Stephanie yelled at Ryan.

Just then, Mary and Ellody walked through the doors, “Wait, there’s still people here! It’s not too late!” Mary said.

“You’ve got this, Mary! I believe in you!” Ellody cheered.

Cut to the Adversity Twins reaching the Chill Zone, “Twelfth.” Don said. The Twins cheered before hearing howling and running off in terror.

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“Well, even if we get booted, this’ll still be the best night ever.”

“Being in that coffin… I’ve never felt so alive.”

The duo cracked genuine smiles.

“You’ve got this, Tom! Woo!” Jen cheered.

“C’mon, Mary! Go with the flow!” Ellody cheered.

“We should’ve been done an hour ago!” Stephanie yelled.

“You’re the best, buddy!” Jen cheered.

“You’re perfect in every way!” Ellody cheered.

“I am so disappointed in you!” Stephanie yelled.

Tom was first on the springboard and successfully landed the jump, getting Bala’s approval.

“Great job, Tom! Great job, let’s go!” Jen cheered as they began running.

Mary landed next, a tad wobbly, but still getting approved, “Come on, we can do this!” Ellody cheered as they ran out of the building.

Finally, Ryan landed in the mat. Like his legs actually went in it. And yet, Bala approved anyway, “It’s about time! Hurry!” Stephanie yelled as they began their sprint.

“The blog was your idea! It’s yours!” Tom told Jen as they ran.

“No, no, you made so many great changes to it! It’s more yours than mine!” Jen replied.

“How about we just say it’s ours?”

“Yeah, yeah I like that!”

“Even if we lose, I don’t regret doing this race with you!” Mary told Ellody as they ran.

“Me neither! You’ve helped me so much!” Ellody replied.

“We make an excellent team!”

“Yeah! And I love that about us!”

The two less fit teams (or I guess one and half since Jen was plenty of capable of physical feats) then turned their heads when they heard the last thing they’d ever want to hear in this scenario: two incredibly fit bodybuilders making a death sprint towards the Chill Zone, one powered by pure, unbridled, rage, and the other powered by pure, genuine, fear.

“Why are they so fast!?” Tom asked.

“They’re bodybuilders! They’re meant to be incredibly physically fit!” Mary replied as the Daters passed both teams.

Cut back to the Chill Zone, “Goths, penalty’s over, thirteenth place.” Don announced.

“Wahoo.” Crimson said as the next two teams arrived.

“Daters in fourteenth and Fashion Bloggers in fifteenth, you’re both still in the race.” Don said.

Tom and Jen jumped up and down in delight while Ryan let out a, “Yes!”

“‘Yes!’? YES!? Tch.” Stephanie said.

“But we didn’t lose! Babe, wait up!” Ryan said as he followed after her just as the Geniuses arrived.

“I’m sorry, you’re out.” Don told them as they sighed.

“But these are very in!” Tom said as he gave them fez hats. The Geniuses smiled at the gesture.

A montage began playing of the Geniuses’ somewhat short time on the show, “Well, I guess this is where we stop our run, huh?” Mary said.

“I suppose so. But I’m not too beaten up about it anymore.” Ellody relied.

“That’s good to hear. I’m really proud of you, y’know that?”

“That… means a lot. Thank you. …I love you.”

Mary chuckled, “I love you too. I’m so glad we did this together.”

“Me too.”

“There sure are a lot of bats all of a sudden.”

“They’re… swarming.”

“Tom was right! The fezes are too in! We need to run!” yelled as they tossed their fezes to the bats and ran, ending the episode.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time in the Ridonculous Race, our teams payed a visit to Count Dracula’s creepy crib and it terrified everyone. Almost. Oh yes, the Goths cracked their first smiles, but other teams cracked under the pressure. The Ice Dancers grabbed first place, and I think Emma unknowingly caught Noah’s attention. Tom and Jen had creative differences, Ryan and Stephanie had relationship troubles, and Mary and Ellody had self worth issues. By the time two of these three teams had their problems ironed out, it was time for the Geniuses to say sayonara. Now, a fourth of the teams are gone. Will another pair join them in Loserville? Find out on… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open at the Chill Zone, “We’re back in Transylvania, where yesterday’s first place team is about to get their first travel tip.” Don explained as Jacques hit the Don Box while Jose’s grabbed the tip.

“‘Take a donkey cart to Bucharest and fly to Hawaii!’” Josee read excitedly.

Cut to the photo montage, “Hawaii! Home of beautiful sunshine, ukuleles, and shirts that should only be worn ironically.” Don said as it showed photos of tourists in floral shirts before cutting to Don at the airport.

“Once teams land, they’ll need to find this Don Box.” he said… only to notice this Don Box was wearing a floral shirt, “Hahaha, very funny. Was that you, wardrobe?”

Cut to the first donkey cart. The Ice Dancers were at the head while the BFFFLs, Sisters, and Reality TV Pros were playing charades in the back. Kitty was doing a very clear camera motion with her hands, “Oh oh! I’m good at this game! Uh, goalposts! No, uh, rectangle face? Umm, a box of candy!” Owen said. Kitty facepalmed as Katie and Sadie laughed. Emma, Jacques, and Josee didn’t seem very amused.

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“Playing is for children. We stay focused on our goals at all times!”

“I’m so focused, I haven’t washed my boxers since the race started!”

“That’s not focused, that’s gross.”

“Well, maybe some people think your lucky rabbit’s foot is gross, huh?”

“Don’t listen to him, Bunbun.” she kissed the rabbit’s foot again.

“Cheesecake?” Owen asked, still not getting it.

“Click!” Kitty said as an attempt at giving him a hint.

“Oh! Exploding cheesecake!” Owen declared as Katie and Sadie continued to laugh, but they were quickly stopped by an annoyed Emma.

“Camera, it’s camera! She said click, how did you not get that!?” Emma said in annoyance before turning to Noah, “And why are you staring at me like that!?”

“Oh, I uh- was I staring? Uh, sorry, I uh- I don’t- my bad.” Noah stuttered out, confusing everyone, himself included.

“…whatever.”

“You okay, buddy?” Owen whispered to him.

“Uh… my stomach feels funny.” he whispered back.

—Interview: Katie and Sadie—

“Noah stuttering when someone presses him on something? That’s a first.”

“Plus with him awkwardly staring at her and getting a funny feeling in his stomach? It almost seems like he’s got a crush on her.”

“That’s possible?” she joked as the two laughed.

As the cart moved forward, they hit a bump in the road, causing Josee’s rabbit’s foot to slip out of her pocket. Nobody noticed.

Meanwhile, the Stepbrothers and Brain and Brawn had managed to get on the second cart, “Ugh, this donkey reeks!” Chet complained.

“He said the same thing about you!” Lorenzo said smugly.

“Pft, a talking donkey? Because that’s possible!”

“It must be possible, because you’re talking right now! Booyah! Call me when you’ve got a comeback!”

“Lorenzo is a dumb face!”

“Oh yeah!? Chet’s a tool, stool!”

“…how old are those two?” Lightning asked B. He shrugged, for he did not know.

Meanwhile, on the third cart, the Rockers, Surfer Dudes, and MacArthur laughed as their donkey farted. And that about summed up that cart, “Man, from Transylvania to Hawaii? This race rules!” Brody cheered.

The Best Friends, Father and Son, Adversity Twins, and Goths all were in the fourth cart. Jay and Mickey were telling Carrie and Junior about a time where they fell into a penguin exhibit at a zoo right before it closed and they had to stay in there overnight while Devin and Dwayne were both sleeping. At the front of the cart, Crimson and Ennui sighed.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“Leaving Romania is tough, but leaving Romania to go to a tropical paradise full of sunshine and happiness?”

They sighed in misery. Not the misery they liked, the misery brought about by joy.

Meanwhile, the Fashion Bloggers and Daters were in the last cart, “I need a whip, do any of you have a whip?” Stephanie asked out of nowhere.

“Uh, not last time I looked?” Ryan said in confusion.

“Open your eyes! Our donkey is going way slower than the other ones, it wants us to lose!” Stephanie yelled, mildly terrifying the other three.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“I’m not too competitive.”

“Yes you are.” he said, disguised as a cough.

“Are you okay, sugarplum? I just wanna win. And this is a competition! So yeah, when things get tough, we can’t hold back! We gotta dig deep! Work hard! Give it everything!”

“I don’t think the donkey really cares if-“ Tom began, only for Stephanie to hop off the cart and begin yelling at the donkey.

“Move it, ya horse wannabe! Y’know how important this is!? We are not coming in last place because of you! Mush! Mush!” she yelled as the other three looked worried.

“…do you think telling her all the teams are on the same flight will make her more or less angry?” Jen asked Ryan as she showed him the tip.

Cut ahead a whole sixteen hours to said flight landing, “As is the custom in Hawaii, teams are greeted with a lovely necklace made of local flowers.” Don’s voiceover said as a local offered Jay a flower lei.

“Oh, wow, hey, those aren’t orchids, are they?” he asked before screaming in terror and running. The local scowled and threw it at him, landing perfectly on Jay’s head and making him sneeze.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“Oh boy oh boy, they sure like their traditions around here.”

“I’m allergic to orchids.” he sneezed.

The Reality TV Pros and BFFFLs ran to the Don Box, only for Emma to push Owen into the other three knocking them to the ground, “This one’s ours! You might as well give up now.” she said, much to Kitty’s confusion since they’d there was no difference in the travel tips.

“Uh-oh, prepare to get Noah’d.” Owen said. 

“Huh? W-what? I, uh- well-“ Noah began.

“Uh, any second now! He’s just thinking and then bam! …Noah?” Owen asked in confusion.

Kitty pressed the button and grabbed the tip, “It’s a Botch-or-Watch, everyone. ‘Whoever didn’t do gymnastics in Romania has to go diving for wedding rings.’” she read.

“W-wedding rings?” Sadie said, both her and Katie blushing.

Cut to Don walking down a dock, “In this challenge, Botchers must dive into Hawaii’s most popular wedding bag and retrieve one of the rings from the bottom.” he announced.

“‘Then swim to the beach at the tip of the bay to meet your partner.’” Owen read.

“C’mon!” Kitty said to Emma as they started running, Katie and Sadie following close behind. Noah still seemed confused and flustered.

“Noah, let’s go!” Owen said.

“I-huh?” he asked.

“Noah? Oh, maybe it’s rabies!” Owen said as he picked him up and ran.

“I assure you, it’s not rabies. …probably.”

“Something doesn’t feel right.” Josee said as she and Jacques left the airport. She patted herself down and realized she was missing something, “Oh no! Bunbun! Where’s Bunbun!?”

“It’s okay, we don’t need a rabbit’s foot! Like you said about my underpants, it’s just a silly superstition!” Jacques replied.

“Okay, take off your lucky gitch then!”

“In public!?” Jacques asked before running to grab the tip.

“Thats what I thought!”

Cut to Spud diving into the lake in his bathing suit, followed by Jacques soon afterward.

“You can do it, Kits!” Emma told her sister.

“It looks pretty deep….” Kitty replied.

“Pretend it’s the pool at Nana’s condo, only with less old people floating around.”

“I don’t know, Emma.” Kitty replied. Just then, she noticed the Fashion Bloggers reaching the dock and posing in their bathing suits. Kitty was… very distracted by Jen to say the least. And Jen did not let this go unnoticed.

“Hey, that bikini looks totally fierce on you.” Jen said to Kitty with a smile, making Kitty extremely flustered.

“I- uh, well- uh- gotta do the challenge!” Kitty said as she hopped into the lake. Jen playfully rolled her eyes and hopped in too.

“What the heck was that about?” Emma asked Tom, “Why’d your partner do that?”

“Hm? Oh, Jen was totally just flirting with her.” Tom replied.

“Why? Is that kind of weird strategy to throw us off our game?”

“No. She’s just really gay.”

“And how’d she know Kitty is, too?”

“Did you see the way she looked at her?”

“…fair point.”

Carrie and Devin arrived soon after, Carrie immediately hugging Devin, “For luck!” she said before diving.

“You’re gonna rock this!” Devin said as Carrie smiled as she dove, only to land face first on a rock. The Surfer Dudes and Police Cadets watched and winced.

“Cannonball?” MacArthur asked.

“You read my mind!” Geoff said as they cannonballed in.

“Yeah! Sick dive, bro!” Brody called out.

Under the water, Spud, Jacques, Kitty, Jen, Carrie, Geoff, and MacArthur searched for rings everywhere they could, some of them coming into contact with angry see life, such as Jacques getting sprayed in the face by an octopus. Their partners watched with bated breath to see who’d emerge first. Somewhat unsurprisingly, it was Jacques, ring in hand, “Woo! See you on the beach!” Josee yelled as she ran off.

“Okay, diving for a wedding ring.” Sadie said somewhat awkwardly.

“Yeah, uh, you’ve got this! Shouldn’t… shouldn’t be any issue.” Katie said just as awkwardly before Sadie dove in.

“You’re gonna be great, I know it! Just get in there, Steph, and do-“ Ryan began as they reached the dock.

“Aww, you’re cute. But let’s save the pep talks for when you’re doing something since you’re the one who struggles.” Stephanie said before letting out a battle cry and diving in.

“Hm. Go team.” Ryan said sarcastically as he crossed his arms.

“You, uh, need help with all that?” Tom asked him.

“Starting to consider it.” Ryan said before the two heard Jay sneeze.

“Y’know, I always suspected my orchid allergy was fairly acute.” Jay said before sneezing.

“Do you think there are any jellyfish?” Mickey asked.

“If there are, you know you’re immune.” Jay said. Mickey shrugged and dove in.

“…y’know, I’ve been holding myself back from saying it for this whole race, but since he apparently still wears it while swimming, I’m just gonna say it: your brother has the ugliest helmet I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” Tom told Jay.

“…you’re not wrong.”

Suddenly, Stephanie’s head popped out of the water, “Why aren’t you helping me!?” she yelled.

“It’s a Botch-or-Watch! All I can do is watch you botch!” Ryan replied.

“You are the worst!” Stephanie yelled before diving back in.

“…straight people put up with that?” Tom asked Jay.

“…why do I have to be the one to answer that!?” he replied in confusion.

Cut to Josee running along the beach, “First place! Even without Bunbun! Maybe Jacques’ right, I don’t need a good luck charm anymore!” she said confidently… before sliding to a halt as she looked down to see a lava rock in the shape of a trophy.

“What? It’s so light… and warm… the energy… it’s beautiful! Cmon, Rocroc, we’ve got a race to win!” Josee said, only to be stopped by a somewhat familiar local catching her coat with a fishing rod.

“Wait! You can’t take a lava rock as a souvenir!” he said.

“You have a whole volcano of them, just chill out, grandpa!” she said as she tossed the hook off before running.

“As the Ice Dancers extend their first place lead, the rest of the teams are still searching for rings and coming up short.” Don’s voiceover announced as the camera showed Geoff getting his arm bit by an eel. Kitty and Stephanie found a ring and began fighting over it, only to scream in unison as a shark swam up to them. Annoyed, Stephanie punched it as hard as she could, causing it to swim away… and also allowing Kitty to grab the ring and swim to the surface.

“Kabling!” Kitty yelled as she showed Emma the ring.

“Got one!” Carrie said as she too surfaced with a ring.

“Yes!” Emma yelled.

“Carrie, you’re amazing!” Devin yelled as he and Emma ran off the dock. Carrie squealed.

“Did you just squeal?” Kitty asked Carrie and they began swimming to shore.

“Uh, no? I think it was, uh, a dolphin?” Carrie relied awkwardly.

Kitty gasped, “You’re in love with him!”

—Interview: Kitty and Emma—

“When love is in the air, I know it. I have a super sensitive love detector. Even if this one feels a little odd. And the alarm’s been going off a lot lately.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. …so, noticed a certain guy on another team looking your way?

“No!” Kitty made of alarm sounds, “Stop it you’re being-“ she continued making alarms sounds, “Quit it, it’s probably it you thinking that fashion girl’s hot.” that shut her up.

Carrie sighed, “But, we’ve been friends for so long. And anyway, he has a girlfriend, so… please don’t say anything. Please?” she asked.

“I promise, I won’t. I have to keep love secrets all the time, I mean, I’m detecting like, at least four crushes here. I won’t say anything, but maybe someone should, y’know?” she said as she swam ahead. Carrie pondered.

“As more teams continue to find rings, our place Ice Dancers say aloha to challenge number one and aloha to challenge number two.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed them reaching the next Don Box.

“We’re still in first place! And check it out, new good luck charm!” Josee said as she pulled out the lava rock, “It’s a lava rock.”

“Nothing can stop us now!” Jacques said as Josee grabbed the tip.

“It’s an All-In! ‘In this Hawaiian wedding ritual, teams must walk on-’” Josee read before gasping.

“Fire!” Don finished fire her as the camera panned to show Don walking barefoot across hot coals, “Technically coals. In this challenge, brides wear a grass skirt and grooms wear a wreath of malie lei as they carry their brides across this path of hot coals.” at saying that, his concentration broke, “Ouch. It’s a test of strength. And honor! And if any part of them catches on fire, grass skirt included-“ the skirt and lei caught on fire, “-it’s back to the start!”

Don screamed as he hopped over to wear the Ice Dancers were standing as the skirt and lei turned to ash, “…once they reach the end untoasted, it’s a race to the Chill Zone. Great, now I’ve gotta take foot modeling off of my resume!”

Cut back to the lake, where everyone was still having trouble. Mickey even grabbed an electric eel. Out of nowhere, Noah found two just sitting right next to each other. He shrugged and grabbed both before surfacing.

“Nothing! I swear, there’s no rings down there!” Stephanie yelled as she surfaced.

“I got two!” Noah yelled as he surfaced.

“Yes!” Owen cheered. Stephanie snarled.

“Don’t say a word!” she yelled to Ryan.

“I wasn’t gonna!” he replied before Stephanie went back under.

“She seems nice.” Owen said as he ran off. Ryan couldn’t tell if he was being ironic or not.

As Noah swam, something suddenly grabbed him, “Something got me! Shark!” he yelled as he repeatedly went back out and under the water.

“Oh my gosh, Noah! Somebody help him! Why wasn’t I born a merman!?” Owen yelled in agony.

Noah then surfaced again and realized that it wasn’t a shark, but in fact Mickey, “Please tell me you’re a ring.” he said, his eyes still closed.

Noah sighed, “Aww, man. I was gonna sell this one for cash. …here.” he said as he handed Mickey the extra ring.

Owen gasped, “Noah’s dying!” he yelled.

—Interview: Noah—

“I’m not getting soft or anything. Mickey was just so pathetic. Yes, I’ve been a little distracted by Emma lately, but it’s not some whole thing where it’s making me warm all and gushy and it’s making me think maybe getting attached to people isn’t actually the worst idea despite my extensive failings on reality tv and I suddenly wanna do nice things for people just because I’m falling for… gah! Gimme back that ring!”

Cut to Jacques carrying Josee over his head, “That’s it, Jacques. Moving ahead. Just like the Olympics, this is one ginormous mind game.” Josee said.

“This challenge is pretty easy!” Jacques replied, his eyes closed.

“That’s right! You’re just walking! There are no coals!” Josee replied. Jacques then remembered what he was doing and his feet got set ablaze.

“I forgot about the coals!” he said before tossing Josee and screaming as he ran to the water, passing by Brody beginning to carry Geoff across the coals.

“Remember that time we were paddle boarding off to in the cold and we forgot our wetsuits? Ah, so cold, dude!” Geoff said in attempt to distract Brody.

“Yeah, yeah, keep it coming!” he replied.

“And that day your tongue froze to the flagpole! Or that day Bridgette’s tongue froze to the flagpole! Or that day my tongue froze to the… what’s with all of us doing that? Or when I dumped that cherry slush down your shorts? Ha, that was gnarly, dude!” Geoff said as he and Brody reached the end of the coals.

“We did it!” Brody cheered as he tossed Geoff down.

“First place, bro! Let’s jet to the Chill Zone!”

“Man, I’d love to stick my feet in a tub full of cherry slush right now!”

Cut to Katie and Sadie arriving at the coals as the Best Friends, Adversity Twins, Pros, and Sisters were getting ready, “Hey guys, look! This is the second time Noah’s had to dress as a bride! Isn’t that funny?” Owen asked them as he pointed to Noah, who was still staring awkwardly at Emma, hardly reacting to the fact he was wearing a grass skirt.

“That is kinda funny.” Katie replied as she and Sadie chuckled.

“Hey Kitty, could you help tie this?” Carrie asked Kitty. She began tying Carrie’s skirt as Carrie began whispering, “You really think I should say something to Devin?”

“Life’s short. You think he’s cute, right? What if he feels the same way?” Kitty asked before walking off. Carrie looked away sadly while mumbling something.

Kitty walked over to Owen, “Hey, we’re both grooms! Cool.” she said.

“Not for me! I’m about to marry a dead person!” Owen replied.

“Huh?” Sadie asked.

“He’s stuttering, smiling, acting sincere!? He is so sick!”

“No, he just likes my sister.” Kitty replied.

“But he’s so goofy and awkward and- oh. Oh!” Owen said as he chuckled.

“Yup, that is one serious crush.”

“Never thought I’d see the day!” Sadie said as she and Katie started chuckling, “…hey, what’s the challenge, anyway?”

Katie looked down and read the tip, her face going red. She handed it to Sadie, whose face also went red. Kitty raised an eyebrow and smirked.

—Interview: Kitty—

She made a bunch of alarm sounds.

—Interview: Katie—

“Oh gosh, this is gonna be the most awkward thing ever! Everyone knows I’ve been crushing hard on Sadie for years at this point, there’s no way she doesn’t know by now. But we never talk about it so obviously she’s not into me! I know I said I’d confess my feelings to her during the race, but I haven’t done that yet because I’m not ready yet and now we’re fake getting married! And I’m outright admitting I love her on international tv! I don’t know how this could be more awkward! The only way for this to be worse is if, like, my archenemy shows up to make fun of me for-“ the camera panned to show that Justin just so happened to be laying on the beach nearby, “What the heck are you doing here!?”

“Huh? This is Hawaii, I live here! What are you doing here!?” he asked in confusion.

—Interview: Sadie—

“Okay, look. I’m not stupid. I know Katie’s had a crush on someone for years. It’s just that it’s obviously our friend Eva. And I was all for that until I out of nowhere fell in love with Katie! So now I’m in this weird state where I’m in love with my best friend who obviously doesn’t like me back and I don’t know how to handle it! Could this possibly be more awkward!?”

Cut back to Stephanie surfacing without a ring once again, “There are no more rings! None!” she yelled to Ryan, who, aside from Lightning, was the only person still on the dock.

“There have to be! Keep looking! Come on, Steph! You can-“ Ryan began.

“What part of none of you not understand!? Zero more! All going! Less than one! Get it!?”

“Yo, did you find one!?” Lightning asked. B opened his hand to show he was holding four, “You got four!? Sha-sweet! …now swim for your life as fast as you can!”

As B swam away in fear of Stephanie mauling him, she yelled out, “You’re a coward, y’know that!? Get back here and fight me like a man!”

“Your race rage is out of control and I am this close to leaving!” Ryan yelled as Lightning left awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, what!? Race rage!?”

“You’re sweet, Stephanie, but when things get competitive, you turn into a raging, psychotic, bull! “

“Bull are male!”

“Whatever! She-Bull!”

“As our last place lovebirds exchange sweet nothings, all the other teams work on the second challenge.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera cut to the other teams.

“Oh, I don’t skirt!” MacArthur said as she handed the skirt to Sanders.

“I had a feeling you’d say that.” she replied, just kind of accepting that MacArthur was probably gonna throw her over her shoulder again.

“I cannot wear the skirt! Every kid at school is gonna see this!” Junior said.

“Yeah, but if I wear it, pal, you’ll have to carry me over hot coals! I’m sure the kids at school won’t make a big deal about it.” Dwayne replied.

“My classmate, Larry Finkle, spent all last year getting shoved into the girls change room because his name rhymes with tinkle. Let’s do this.” Junior said as he put on the lei.

“Heh. Tinkle.” Dwayne said as he followed his son.

Meanwhile, Chet and Lorenzo were sitting with their arms crossed and the skirt in between the both of them, “Rock paper scissors?” Chet suggested.

“You wear it, I’m not the girl!” Lorenzo said.

“And I am!?”

“You said it, not me, skirt face!”

“Jen, you are on rocking that lei .” Tom said.

“Oh, I know.” Jen replied.

“Y-yeah! You look great!” Kitty said as she awkwardly approached.

“Aww, thanks! That lei totally suits you, by the way.” Jen replied. Tom raised an eyebrow and smiled.

“Uh- yeah thanks cool gotta do the challenge bye!” Kitty blurted out before running back over to Emma.

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

“I think Kitty might have a crush on you.”

“Maybe. She is pretty cute… we’ll see how things go.”

“I assume wearing a skirt would make you all dysphoric?” Lightning asked B, who nodded, “Yeah, I get that. Means I gotta do it, though….”

“We are so gonna win this and-“ Carrie began, only for Devin to lift her up, “Oh. Wow. Us. Yep. So winning.”

“Time to walk the walk.” Devin said as he began his walk, trying not to let the heat get to him.

Cut to Don drinking out of a coconut at the Chill Zone only to hear Brody scream, “Yes!” as he and Geoff arrived.

“Geoff, Brody, congratulations! You’re today’s winners!” he told them.

“Awesome! I love you, man!” Geoff said as they hugged.

“I’d marry you all over again!” Brody replied.

“I love weddings.” Don joked.

Meanwhile, Josee and Jacques had switched position. She began sprinting across the coals, passing by the Best Friends in the process… only to run back screaming and on fire. Meanwhile, Spud gave Rock a thumbs up as he wore the grass skirt as a wig.

“Okay. Nothing weird about this.” Katie said as Sadie began walking over the coals with her in her arms, both of them still blushing.

“Yup! Just us two. Me carrying you bridal style. Doing a wedding tradition. Nothing out of the ordinary.” Sadie said. For a moment, seeing that she was holding Katie in her arms, with her wearing (at least a form of) wedding attire made her smile. …and then she screamed when her lei caught on fire, causing the two to run to the water.

“Finally!” Devin said as he placed down Carrie at the end, who chuckled.

“Hey, Best Friends! Move it or lose it!” Josee yelled as Jacques was sprinting towards them over the coals.

Carrie gasped, “Run!” she said as they began running.

“Believe in the lava rock and we’ll own the podium!” Josee said.

“Almost there!” Carrie said. Just then, Jacques passed them… and tripped over a rock, allowing she and Devin to reach the Chill Zone first.

“Carrie, Devin, congrats, you’re in second place!” Don told them. Carrie chuckled as Devin placed his hand on her shoulder. The Ice Dancers hopped onto the Carpet of Completion just after, “Jacques, Josee, you’ve come in third.”

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“No! Not again! Bronze! It’s the worst medal! The road to shame is paved with bronze and kneecap injuries!”

Jacques just cried.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

Crimson was coloring the skirt with a black marker, “She only wears black and red. Even if it’s grass, it must be black or red grass.”

Meanwhile, other teams were making their way through the walk. MacArthur was holding Sanders over her shoulder and watching Lorenzo carrying Chet. For some godforsaken reason, Chet was also wearing a coconut bra and not his shirt. …I don’t know how that happened, “Get your pits off my face!” Lorenzo whined.

“Get your face out of my pits!” Chet replied. Just behind them, Junior was carrying his father as best he could, and behind them, Jay was holding onto Mickey for dear life as he sneezed.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“We’d never heard of maile leis before.”

“Guess it’s time to order another medical alert bracelet.”

While most teams were trying to keep a slow and even pace, Owen, Kitty, and Jen all decided to go with the approach of “run as fast as you can so the pain can’t find you.” Jen and Tom were still screaming, though. Despite that, it did end up working, as they ran right into the Chill Zone, “Reality TV Pros in fourth, Sisters in fifth, Fashion Bloggers take sixth!” Don announced as they all cheered.

Cut to Don lounging as the next two teams arrived, “Father and Son in seventh, Stepbrothers take eighth.” he told them.

“Nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about, nothing to-“ Katie began as she and Sadie had switched places, only to scream as Sadie’s skirt caught on fire, causing them to run back to the water again.

“Yeesh, that’s worth worrying about.” MacArthur said from the Chill Zone.

“Ninth!” Don told them. Jay sneezed as he and Mickey walked onto the Carpet as well, “Tentharoonie!”

The Goths and Rockers walked over next, both of which had gotten a tad distracted by the black marker and had drawn face markings all over themselves, “Goths in eleventh and Rockers in twelfth!” Don announced.

Lightning and B arrived next, “Thirteenth place!” Don told them.

“Man, bottom three!? We gotta do better than that!” Lightning said before sighing, “Didn’t really mind that last part, though.”

B raised an eyebrow, “Why did I say that?” Lightning asked himself.

Katie and Sadie finally arrived, still blushing, “Cutting it close, huh, ladies? Fourteenth.” Don told them. They both let out sighed of relief.

“Uh, hey, sorry that was so… awkward.” Sadie said as they walked off.

“N-nono, it’s fine. I was just, uh… distracted. Yeah. Nothing awkward about that! Heh….” Katie replied. The two were both so flustered they couldn’t even look each other in the eyes, “I’m gonna… go talk to Owen.”

“Uh, yeah, uh, okay! I’ll, uh… see what Geoff’s up to!” Sadie replied as they both ran separate ways, both internally cursing themselves for having their crushes.

Cut to… about an hour later, where Ryan was carrying Stephanie across the coals, having finally reached the next challenge, “Ugh. You smell like cooked meat.” Stephanie said bitterly.

“You shouldn’t insult who can drop you onto hot coals.” Ryan replied, clearly upset.

“If you do, I’ll tell everybody that your pecs are actually implants!”

“My pecs are real!”

From a distance, some of the other teams were watching, “Wow. Those are some fireworks, huh?” Devin said.

“Uh-huh… umm, Devin? I’m so glad that we’re here together, and-“

“Me too! It is so amazing I’m here with you and not Maggie. We’re just like them half the time. But you and me, never. And that’s what’s perfect about being Best Friends! We just stay the same. Forever! Friends! Well, I’m gonna crash. Night, homie.” he said before waking off whistling. The camera then panned just a little to the left to show Kitty, Owen, Tom, Jen, Junior, Geoff, Brody, Rock, Spud, Lightning, B, Katie, Sadie, Jay, Mickey, Chet, and Lorenzo all watching with their jaws hanging open in shock at what just happened.

“Yeah, I know.” Carrie said, clearly just as baffled at the exchange.

The camera then panned again to show Justin, “Who are you people!?” he asked.

Cut to the Daters reaching the Chill Zone, “Ryan, Stephanie, I’m sorry, you’re the last team to arrive.” Don said before Stephanie screamed in anger.

“We’re eliminated? Great!” Ryan said happily, “Because Steph? You’re eliminated from this!”

“You’re breaking up with me!? On national television!?” Stephanie said angrily.

“International, actually, we’re huge in Croatia, but I should tell you that-“ Don began.

“You can’t dump me! I dump you!”

“Here’s the funny thing-“

“Fine! Because-“ Ryan began.

“It’s a non-elimination round! Congratulations, you’re still in the race.” Don told them.

“Fine!” Ryan yelled.

“Fine!” Stephanie yelled back.

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Come back next time for more heartbreaking action here on… the Ridonculous Race!” Don said to sign off the episode.

“Fine!”

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, our teams took a blistering stroll through Hawaii. The Surfer Dudes showed some love as they took first place. Josee found a new good luck charm, Kitty’s love detector went off like a billion times, including towards herself, and Carrie’s heart shattered into a million pieces while seventeen other players watched in shock. But it was all eyes on the Daters, who became Haters and arrived last. When they found out it was a non-elimination round, you could really see the joy on their faces. Let the madness continue. This is… the Ridiculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open at the Chill Zone, “Welcome back to the Ridonculous Race, where our racers are ready to say aloha to Hawaii. Our Surfer Dudes came in first, so they’ll be the first to depart.” Don announced.

“Woo! Dibs on first tip!” Geoff said.

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

“I don’t know what crazier: that we’re in first, or that we’re not in last.”

“Dude, deep.”

Brody hit the Don Box and grabbed the tip, “We’re going to… du… du-bayee? Huh?” he asked.

The photo montage began, “Or as it’s more commonly known, Dubai. An oasis of luxury, man made islands, and a mall so big even teenagers get lost. Once here, teams must bus to Burj Al Arab, the world’s only seven star hotel, to find the next Don Box.” Don explained. Geoff hailed a cab, as did several other teams as they got their tips.

Cut to a guy working at the counter of an airport he briefly stopped typing as his computer to pour himself a mug of coffee out of his thermos. He looked out the window as he took a sip of the coffee, generally content with how calm the moment was.

He then spilled his mug on himself as he heard a loud noise, screaming in pain from how hot it was as he turned to see the strangest group of fourteen he’d ever seen standing in front of him, one woman even being lifted over a man’s head and another woman trying to climb over another man to get higher up, and yet another woman standing on a man’s shoulders. The man in the front, the one wearing a cowboy hat and on open pink shirt, said, “Thirty tickets to Dubai, bro!”

“Uh, flight leaving now time. Fourteen seat. Rest on next flight.” he told them as they all cheered.

A father and his son ran up right after, the older man saying, “Alright, we made it!” while his son sighed.

“Count again.” the son said.

“Two, four- darn it.”

The first fourteen people cheered as they ran off to the plane, as another sixteen strange people walked in behind the father and son, all also booking a flight to Dubai before sitting around and waiting. The man at the counter never knew what to make of this experience.

But that’s enough of this random guy, we’ve got a race around the world to follow.

—Interview: Junior and Dwayne—

“Already tied for last. Yay.”

“Don’t count us out yet, kiddo. Last time, we were on the first flight, and it got delayed, remember?”

“While the last eight teams wait to board their flight out, the first seven are about to fly Air Dubai, with the world’s most opulent first class section. Which we booked only for last challenge’s winners.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed the Best Friends, Ice Dancers, Reality TV Pros, Sisters, Fashion Bloggers, and Stepbrothers bitterly passing through an absurdly fancy first class with a giant hot tub that Geoff and Brody were cannonballing in. And it had a plate of cookies on the side.

“Dude, cookie?” Brody offered Geoff.

Jacques gasped, “May we-“ he began, only for the flight attendant to push him out of the first class cabin.

“Huh. Guess not.”

Jacques groaned, “That hot tub should be ours! How did we place third!? Again!?” he asked.

“As my mother always says, bronze is the medal of failure!” Josee replied as she spit to her side (of an indoor plane?), “But, mama, our luck is about to change.”

“You’ve replaced your lost lucky rabbit’s foot with a pretty rock! Our luck is bound to improve!” Jacques said. Unfortunately for him, the compartment overhead him opened and a bunch of random stuff began pouring out on top of him.

“Forged from lava, this stone embodies my fiery determination to win!” Josee said before cackling evilly.

“You mean our determination to win….” Jacques said from the ground.

“Hm? Oh yeah. Sure.”

Noah, having watched the whole exchange with a raised eyebrow, sighed, “Those two seem evil.” he said.

“You see it too? I’ve been getting bad vibes from them for like the entire race so far.” Tom said.

“Yeah. I’m gonna avoid them like the plague.”

“Entirely fair.”

“But Noah, don’t you usually come with a plan to take down the bad guys on like every reality show we go on?” Owen asked.

“Yeah, but look how well that’s gone for me. It never works. I always lose to them in the end.”

“C’mon, buddy! That’s no reason to give up! And what about that time when you beat Al and Scott?”

“You mean when Dawn had to tell us that we were all being played by them because I was too stupid to figure it out? Yeah, I sure did great there. If there was any ‘villain’ in that season, it was me. Screw my moral compass, either someone else will take them down or they’ll choke on their own hubris.” Noah said bitterly. Owen looked concerned.

—Interview: Owen—

“Ever since the third season of Total Drama, Noah’s been in kind of a funk. I think he’s worried that everything he does is just kinda pointless… we need some way to get him back in high spirits! Or, medium spirits, I guess. Noah’s always a little snippy.”

“Both flights are headed for Dubai, one an hour ahead of the other. It’ll be a quick flight-“ Don began, only to get a message on his earpiece, “What!? Seventeen hours!? Ouch. Well, plenty of time to rest and enjoy each other’s company.”

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“Seriously!? You’re giving me the silent treatment!? Oh, two can play at that game! I’m the queen of silent treatment! I’ve got a whole bag of quiet to drop on you!”

“I look forward to it.”

“Just you wait, mister! You’re about to hear pins dropping! It’s gonna be a library up in here! You’ll be all-“

“Still! Talking!”

Cut back to the first plane, “I know the seatbelt sign’s on, but… why bother.” Noah said as Owen was squeezing him in fear.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“Flying’s the scariest! I usually squeeze my teddy bear, Beary, to get through it, but I swallowed him, so now I squeeze my Noah!”

Owen squeezed Noah again, much to his lungs’ chagrin.

Cut to Owen now in his own seat, “Hey, want the window seat?” he asked.

“Uh… gonna pass.” Noah said. Owen looked over to see that Emma was sitting in the aisle seat closest to him.

“Oh really? But you always want the window seat. I wonder why you’d want to stay there.” Owen said smugly as Noah buried his face in a magazine.

“I was thinking we should form an alliance or two, with like, I dunno, Noah and Owen and Jen and Tom.” Kitty told Emma.

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“I have enough trouble keeping this one on track. With two other teams to worry about, it’d get even worse for me.”

“Yup, we really need an alliance.”

“Noah’s a snarky know-it-all. Do you know what it’s like to be around someone like that?” Emma asked.

“I can’t imagine.” Kitty said in the driest, most sarcastic voice anyone had ever heard, which is saying a lot because Noah was also here, “But they’re pros! They know what’s what!”

Owen evidently didn’t fully know what was what, as he was still trying to buckle his seatbelt, “Yeah, sure looks like it. And the only reason you want an alliance with the Fashion Bloggers is so you can hang out with Jen.”

“I- wha- no, never!” Kitty stammered. Meanwhile, Owen’s struggles with the seatbelt caused him to pass gas, which somehow caused the breathing bag things to drop down.

“I’m gonna go hang by the toilet where it smells better.” Noah said as he got up with his nose covered. As did Emma, since she was the closest person to Owen besides Noah.

Cut to the second plane, where Jay was frantically pressing the call flight attendant button on his chair, “Stewardess! This altitude is giving my brother a nose bleed and probably an inner ear infection!” he said in a panic.

“How much longer is this flight!?” Mickey said in a panic with tissues in his nose.

“Hush up, you babies! We’re still on the ground!” Lightning said as he lifted his head over the chair. The camera zoomed out to show that yeah, the second flight hadn’t begun takeoff yet.

“Man, I’m kinda surprised those two are still here with all back luck they get and catching every disease in the book and all. Eh, no matter who’s left, we’re still making it to the top anyway! Sha-yeah!” Lightning said as he and B high-fived.

“It’s nice to see friends supporting each other like that. They’ll be a tough team to beat.” Dwayne said as he looked on.

“Uh, dad? I’m pretty sure they’re boyfriends.” Junior said.

“Oh. My bad.”

“Sha-what!? No we’re not!” Lightning said. B shrugged, confusing Lightning, “Huh!? What’s that shrug supposed to mean!?”

B and Junior struggled to contain their laughter at Lightning’s exasperation.

—Interview: Lightning—

“I am straight.” the camera person turned on the screen next to him, “What are you doing? Wait, no! Don’t show that!” he said as the screen played the clip from Revenge of the Island where Lightning looked away nervously after Sam asked if Scott kissed a gentleman, “That don’t mean nothing! I’m as straight as a lightning bolt!”

Junior leaned his head in, as the interview was onboard the plane, “Lightning bolts aren’t straight. They’re kinda bendy.”

“Oh yeah. …I am not doing a good job at beating these allegations right now!” he said before screaming in a panic.

—Interview: Dwayne and Junior—

“Well, I think we tarnished any chance at an alliance with them after we embarrassed Lightning like that.”

“Since when did you care about it making alliances?”

Cut to Kitty and Owen watching Emma and Noah having a conversation that, impressively, Noah was not stuttering through, “Ugh, they’re both so snarky and full of themselves!” Kitty said.

“How are they not a couple yet?” Owen asked.

“I know, right?” Jen asked as she and Tom leaned over to where Kitty was leaning over to watch the conversation.

“You two are not in your seats right now.”

“So? Neither are they. And this is so much more interesting!” Tom said.

“Anyway, it’s Emma. She’s still hurt from her last breakup.” Kitty said.

“Ooh, still fresh?” Owen asked.

“It was three years ago.”

“Oh, it must’ve been bad.” Tom said.

“Yup. Getting these two together is gonna take work.”

“You betcha!” Owen said as he and Kitty fist bumped.

“Oh, what the heck, we’ve got nothing better to do. Count us in.” Jen said as Tom nodded.

Cut to the plane landing, “Flight number one has landed in Dubai, and the teams are being shuttled to the Burj Al Arab.” Don said as the camera showed a bus arriving and the teams running to the Don Box.

“‘Either-Or. Serve or Squeegee.’” Oh read.

Cut to Don on top of a tennis court atop the hotel, “Teams can either return one serve each from the world’s toughest tennis launcher, the Tennis Menace…” Don said as the tennis menace destroyed a mannequin with a single ball, “Or Squeegee an entire column of windows from the top down.”

Don watched as a squeegee fell off a platform, sending it plummeting down, catching on fire, and reducing to ash as it hit the ground. Don tapped his earpiece, “Are you sure legal cleared this? …really?”

“Serve!” Geoff said as he read the tip.

“Squeegee! C’mon, let’s go!” Noah said to Owen.

Cut to the Ice Dancers, Surfer Dudes, Best Friends, and Stepbrothers on the rooftop tennis court, Brody going first, “Okay buddy, you got this?” Geoff asked.

“I got this!” he replied.

—Interview: Brody and Geoff—

“Tennis is the ultimate wimp sport.”

“No checking, no tackling, just a fluffy little ball. It’s like supersized ping pong! What could be dangerous about that?”

Don walked in frame and handed Geoff a phone, “It’s from the Tennis Rivals.”

“What’s dangerous about tennis you ask! Ha, you’re about to find out!” Pete yelled through the phone.

“You got this!” Geoff yelled.

“I got this!” Brody yelled back, only to pelted with a barrage of tennis balls, sending him running back, “I so don’t got this, dude!”

—Interview: Geoff and Brody—

Geoff was still holding the phone, “Told ya, wimps!” Gerry said through the phone as he and Pete laughed.

“I know you’re scared, but whatever happens, I believe in you.” Devin said. Carrie chuckled as she stepped onto the court, “Anyway, Maggie hangs out with her tennis instructor like all the time, and she says tennis is a mental game.”

The Tennis Menace fired a ball and knocked Carrie’s racket right out of her hand. Chet laughed at her and then got hit in the face with a tennis ball. And then Lorenzo laughed at him and got hit in the face with a tennis ball.

—Interview: Lorenzo and Chet—

“Nice going, Chet! Now we’ve gotta wait until it’s our turn again!”

“You’re just jealous because I talked to a girl!”

“That’s not talking! That’s pointing and laughing like a chihuahua!”

“Same thing!” he shoved Lorenzo.

“No it’s not!” he shoved Chet.

Meanwhile on the second plane, Lightning was holding a whiteboard and trying to explain to everyone else why he was straight because this conversation has somehow left just B, Dwayne, and Junior and was now him talking to all the teams, but really he just made it more and more clear that he was definitely bi. Almost everyone was struggling to hold in their laughter.

“See, this here is a pie chart!” Lighting said as he pointed to a pie chart he drew.

“What does a pie chart have to do with any of this?” Rock asked, barely containing his laughter.

“It’s what smart guys use to prove stuff! So I’m gonna prove now! See, the blue part is me being straight, and the yellow part is me not being straight! And the blue part’s bigger!”

“First off, that’s not how pie charts work. Secondly, that still means there’s a not straight part of you.” Katie said. Lightning yelled in annoyance while erasing the whiteboard as everyone laughed.

Cut to the Fashion Bloggers and Reality TV Pros looking at the squeegee platforms as the Sisters walked up, “Hey, we’re all doing the same challenge! What are the odds?” Kitty asked.

“Maybe we should all work together!” Owen suggested.

“No alliances, remember? Come on!” Emma said to her sister.

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“Remember sis, we’re here to finish first! No surrender, Noah distractions!”

“Did you just say ‘Noah distractions’?”

“Zero! I meant zero!”

“With teams from flight number two arriving, the heat is on.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed Owen cleaning a window.

“This is tough, but we’re making good progress! How many is that?” he asked.

“75%. Of one.” Noah replied.

“You sure this one was the right call?” Tom asked as he and Jen worked on a window, both wearing gloves and staying as far away from the water as possible.

“Have you seen what tennis balls can do to clothing?” Jen asked.

Tom shuddered, “Fair enough.”

The wind blew and made Emma and Kitty’s platform rock a bit, “I’m staring to think this is more terrifying than tennis.” Kitty said.

“Just help me lower this thing! According to the manual, the sides move separately, so we have to pull these two levers at once!” Emma replied.

“Why would they design it like that?”

“Why would they put a tennis court on the roof? Just pull in three! One, two, three!” Emma said. They pulled, and it went far in one direction, causing them to hang to hold on before climbing back on, “…gonna say that was your fault.”

“Of course you are.”

Meanwhile, the second bus arrived and everyone ran to the Don Box to grab their tip, “‘Serve or Squeegee’?” Spud read.

Everyone looked up to see the Sisters screaming as they climbed back onto their platform and all collectively said, “Serve!”

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“We’re feeling good about this tennis challenge! Sure, I’m allergic to felt, and watching a moving ball gives Mickey motion sickness, but at least we won’t have to deal with heights!”

“Read it again.” he handed Jay the tip.

Jay sighed before letting out a bleeped our swear word.

Cut to everyone in the roof, “Hey, my nose isn’t bleeding!” Mickey said. Then he got hit in the face with a tennis ball.

“Nose bleed?” Jay asked. Mickey just fell to the floor.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

He had tissues in his nose, “We’d like to thank everyone involved with the show! Bye!”

“We’re sticking with the tennis. We stand the sound of squeegee streaks. It’s like spongey nails on a glass chalkboard.”

As everyone was pelted with tennis balls, Junior was the only happy one, “Cool!” he said.

“Uh, we’ll be switching to windows!” Dwayne said as Junior sighed.

“Silence, everyone! I’m trying to perform!” Jacques said.

“Pft, yeah, good luck!” Devin said.

—Interview: Devin—

“I’ve watched Maggie play tennis for years, and believe me, Jacques has a better chance at hitting a beach ball than a tennis ball.” he said, forgetting that would apply to literally everyone ever.

Jacques managed to hit the tennis ball into the distance as Devin sighed, “I’ll… shut up now.” he said.

“Oh! Excellent idea! Just watch, you might learn something!” Jacques said as Josee stepped up. She kissed her lava rock, only for a bird to fly onto her head. As she tried to get it off, a ball hit her in the face, knocking her down.

“Ooh, better luck next time.” Devin replied as Josee bitterly walked back.

“Josee, we’ll never make podium waiting in line. Let’s switch to windows.” Jacques told her.

“Fine! But after we win, I am throwing a massive tantrum!” she replied.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“Tantrums run in her family. Once, I was late picking up Josee from practice, and her mom attacked me! With a lamp!”

“I don’t miss that lamp.”

“Or your mom.”

Cut to Dwayne and Junior, “Now son, the trick to proper squeegeeing is-“ Dwayne began.

“Uh, to wipe the window?” Junior said.

“…yeah, pretty much. Fast learner.”

“Launcher, you’ve met your match!” Stephanie said as she stepped onto the court.

“What’re you gonna do, annoy it to death?” Ryan asked.

“Who are you calling annoying!?”

“Woah woah woah! Still talking!” Ryan said. Stephanie grumbled and returned to the court. Unlike most others, she managed to hit the ball… directly back into the Tennis Menace, knocking it off the roof.

The Tennis Menace proceeded to land on the Fashion Bloggers’ platform before bouncing off, sending them flying onto the Reality TV Pros’ platform, before the machine landed in front of the Sisters, “Huh. This is quite the predicament.” Jen said.

“Uh, is this part of the challenge….?” Emma asked nervously. It proceeded to fire tennis balls at them rapidly, which Kitty swatted away in a panic, “Are you kidding me!? Why didn’t we choose tennis!?”

One of the tennis balls proceeded to rebound into the lever, tilting the platform. Emma would’ve fallen out to the ground below had she not grabbed onto the Tennis Menace’s blaster, but it still left her dangling there, “Kitty! Help!” she yelled. Kitty, the Pros, and the Bloggers looked on in horror as Emma and the machine began falling.

Thankfully, Noah managed to grab onto Emma’s arm as she fell, “H-hey! You, uh, dropped something.” Noah said, still a tad shook from watching someone almost fall who knows how far. The Tennis Menace, however, was not so lucky. Nobody really paid attention to it though as Noah and Emma looked at each other lovingly.

Just then, Kitty landed on Owen, confusing everyone else, “What? I jumped.” she said.

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“You know that moment when you realize you’d care if someone died? I didn’t. Until then.”

“That is so beautiful- wait, does that mean you wouldn’t care if I died?”

“What!? No, I mean, obviously I’d care if you died, but your life has never been at risk before!”

“What about when the plane fell on top of me!?”

“…I forgot about that.”

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“Okay, so, maybe Noah isn’t the worst human being in the world….”

“Nicest thing she’s ever said.”

—Interview: Jen and Tom—

They both sipped cups of coffee, “Sometimes you just need a life threatening accident to get the sparks flying.”

Cut to Jacques holding up Josee as she cleaned a window, only to see a guy staring back at them. They all looked confused, only for the Ice Dancers to smile as he held up a sign with a 6.0 on it.

—Interview: Jacques and Josee—

“Just because our task is menial doesn’t mean you skimp on artistic impression!”

“The goal is to achieve greatness! Winning will then be thrust upon us!”

Cut to the Tennis Menace being airlifted back onto the tennis court. It weakly spat out a slow moving tennis ball, “Nice! Anyone could clobber that!” Devin said. Carrie chuckled.

“…well, almost anyone.” Devin said as he saw that up next was a very nervous looking Jay.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“We know we should switch to window washing, but… the streaking. Ugh.”

“We can do this. Nothing to freak out about. …tell mom I loved her!” Jay said in a panic.

Cut the Pros, Bloggers, and Sisters, “Glad we’re alive, but I’m kinda bummed we’re gonna tie for last.” Emma said.

“Could you be more negative?” Kitty asked.

“Sure. She implied we’ll finish. We only have one squeegee between the six of us and you four lost your water.” Noah said.

“It’s not over yet! I know how to win this! But… everyone here has to agree to an alliance!” Owen said. Kitty immediately clapped, and Tom, Jen, Noah, and Emma agreed pretty fast, “That was easier than I thought. Anyway, I will be our squeegee!”

Owen tore off his shirt and poured the sudsy water over him. A woman inside the building spit out her coffee as she saw Owen press his whole body against the glass and chuckle, “Alright, let’s drop!” Jen said. Kitty and Emma flipped the levers, sending them all quickly downwards, Owen’s sudsed body cleaning the whole flight of windows on the way down.

Meanwhile, the sound of Owen’s squeegeeing let out such a loud noise that Jay could hear it from the top, “Ugh! That sound! he yelled. He fell over, but in the process, a ball bounced off of his racket.

“Sweet move, man!” Sadie yelled out.

Mickey ran up to Jay and tried to shake him awake, only for a tennis ball to fly towards his head and bounce off of his helmet, which counted. Everyone looked on it shock.

“…woah! Twins finished first!” Geoff said. The Surfer Dudes, Rockers, BFFFLs, and Brain and Brawn clapped for their surprising victory.

“Two windows left! The gold is ours!” Josee said to Jacques, only for them to see three teams on one platform reach the bottom with their human sponge.

“Woo! Go Owen!” Kitty cheered.

“Way to take one for the team, big guy.” Noah said as Tom tossed him his shirt.

Owen chuckled, “I feel like I just took a roller coaster through a car wash!” he said as Emma grabbed the next tip.

“‘Find the next Chill Zone in the Gold Souk.’ the what?” Emma asked.

Cut to Don at the Golf Souk, “The Gold Souk, just a normal plaza where everything is made of gold. To reach the Chill Zone inside this shop, teams must travel here in taxis, some of which are gold. Literally. …they really like their gold here.” he said.

Cut to the Ice Dancers grabbing their tip, “To the gold! Now!” Josee yelled as the four teams ran to their taxis.

Cut back to the Tennis Court, where Ryan, MacArthur, B, Katie, and Brody returned their serve. Geoff stood on the court as pulled out the racket when the ball was just in front of him, bouncing it back. Spud hopped onto the court and bounced his ball back off of his stomach. Ennui just stood there as the ball hit his racket.

“You can do it! Just ask yourself, what would Maggie do?” Devin told Carrie. This set her off.

“No! I’m not Maggie and I never will be!” she said before storming off of the court and spiking her racket off of the building.

“Huh? That’s not what I meant!”

Cut to Junior stepping off the platform as Dwayne finished up the last window, “There we go, sporto! Go grab the tip and we’ll-“ Dwayne began, only for the racket Carrie threw down to land on the lever, sending the platform up about four floors and knocking Dwayne out, causing him to hang off the side and scream for help.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” Junior yelled.

Cut to the Pros, Sisters, and Fashion Bloggers running through the Gold Souk, “Remember, everyone! We’re looking for a gold Chill Zone!” Owen said before Noah came to a stop at a store window that had Gilded Chrises of all things on sale.

“Look, they even have dollar stores.” he joked. Emma let out an obviously fake laugh.

—Interview: Emma—

“I didn’t get it.”

“This is it!” Tom said as they arrived at the store with the Chill Zone.

“Ladies first.” Noah said.

“Really? Why would you- I mean, I don’t know what to say.” Emma said.

“Maybe just get in before another team shows.”

“Oh, right.” Emma said as she and Kitty ran inside.

“Gonna hope that hospitality extends to us, too!” Jen said as she and Tom ran in before Owen and Noah.

“Sisters, congratulations, you’re the first to arrive!” Don said as they cheered, “Fashion Bloggers in second and Owen and Noah are team number three!”

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“It’s not like this is for the million bucks, so I might as well let her know how I feel, y’know?”

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“Wow, Noah is… he’s…” Kitty stared knowingly, “…uh, really interested in forming an alliance with us.”

Kitty facepalmed.

“Welcome to the Chill Zone, you’ve come in fourth.” Don told the Ice Dancers as they arrived. They gasped in terror, “Kidding! The Twins got here way before you!”

“Me and Mickey took one of the non-golden cabs. They’re a lot faster.” Jay said as he and Mickey walked over.

“You mean… we’re fifth!? We didn’t make the podium at all!?” Jacques asked.

“…what podium? There is no podium.” Don said, confused.

“There is always a podium!” Josee said as she began throwing things.

—Interview: Mickey and Jay—

“Fourth place! We usually have worse luck than that.”

“It’s almost as if all the bad luck in the area was soaked up by another team.” Josee was throwing stuff in the background, “Crazy.”

Cut to more teams arriving, “Daters in sixth, Brain and Brawn take seventh, Goths in eighth, Police Cadets in ninth, tenth place BFFFLs, Surfer Dudes eleventh, Stepbrothers make twelfth, and Rockers rock thirteenth. As more teams arrive, it’s a dead heat as two teams try not to flounder.”

Carrie was struggling to hit the ball and Dwayne was still holding on for dear life. After a lot of tries, and Devin finally not mentioning Maggie, Carrie smashed the ball back into the Tennis Menace’s face. The two cheered as they ran to get back to the bottom floor.

“Dad, I’ve counted the other teams! There’s only one left besides us!” Junior called out to his father.

“Then what’re we gonna do!?” Dwayne yelled back.

“You’re just gonna have to trust me to catch you!”

“Are you crazy!? That’ll break all your bones at once!”

“Trust me dad, it’s the only way!”

Dwayne sighed and let go, screaming as he fell into his son’s arms. Junior immediately collapsed under the weight, “A-are you okay!? Anything broken!?” Dwayne asked.

“N-nah, I’m good….” Junior said. He ran over and grabbed the tip at the same time Carrie and Devin arrived and did the same.

“‘The Gold Souk!’” Carrie read.

“Hurry!” Dwayne yelled.

Cut to Carrie and Devin in the taxi, “I’ll feel terrible if we lost on account of my bad tennis skills….” Carrie said.

“It’s okay, we’ll be Best Friends with our without this race. Plus, I can get Maggie’s tennis guy to give you a few tips.” Devin replied. He smiled at the camera while Carrie frowned at it.

Cut to Carrie and Devin running onto the Chill Zone, “Did we make it!? Are we still in the race!?” Devin asked.

“Carrie and Devin, you’re the last to- wait, nevermind, here come Father and Son now. You’re still the race!” Don said. Carrie and Devin cheered while Dwayne and Junior sighed.

“Please tell me this is a non-elimination round?” Dwayne asked.

“Sorry, but that was last time. You’re out of the race. What even happened?” Don asked.

“Strangest thing, a tennis racket fell on the lever!” Dwayne said. Carrie’s eyes widened and she ran out of the building, leaving everyone confused.

“Well, it was fun while it lasted at least.” Junior said.

“Really? You think so?”

“Yeah, I’d say so.”

A montage of Dwayne and Junior’s somewhat short time on the show began, “Aww, I can’t be too upset. The race gave me and Junior a lot of time together.” Dwayne said.

“Sad we had to go out like this, but with how hard this can be, I don’t think we’d have much time left anyway.” Junior said.

“Yeah, it got really weird out there sometimes. I had to swim with sharks!”

“And I had to carry you in a coffin! And then carry you over hot coals!”

“Ha! Next time, maybe I’ll do the carrying. Hey, you wanna go home and binge watch the latest Total Drama season?”

“Sure, why not! …wait, since this is a spinoff of that show, aren’t we technically… part of the Total Drama cast now?”

“…oh no….” Dwayne said nervously as the episode came to a close.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, we struck emotional gold in Dubai. Carrie gave up on the game of love, the ex-Daters tried to give each other the silent treatment, which was a refreshing change from when they were psychoing out loud, and Dwayne got stuck in midair, which caused he and Junior to get sent packing. And last but not least, a new alliance was born. Is it more than just an alliance? Your guess is as good as mine, but my guess matters more because I’m on tv. This is… the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open at the Chill Zone, as per usual, “Alright, it’s time to say bye-bye to Dubai! Sisters, you’re up first. Ready, go!” Don said as Kitty hit the button on the Don Box and grabbed her tip.

“‘Find your next tip at the world famous Bird’s Nest Stadium.’ Never heard of it.” she said,

Cut to the photo montage, “Well, it’s right here in Beijing, China, home to 25 million people. Oddly enough, we’ll see none of them.” Don said.

“The first nine teams grab their travel tips, taxis, and tickets...” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed the Fashion Bloggers, Reality TV Pros, Adversity Twins, Ice Dancers, Haters, Brain and Brawn, Goths, and Police Cadets doing just that, but one taxi had to turn around because they forgot Owen, “…and get seats on the first flight to Beijing. The five straggling teams on flight two have an extra hour to talk strategy.”

As per usual, none of them were doing that. Devin was snoring. Carrie had a concerned expression on her face, before she noticed the camera and quickly smiled, “Watching Devin sleep is so cute. He sometimes mumbles the sweetest things.” she said.

“Stupid zebra took my wallet….” Devin mumbled.

“…I said sometimes.”

Rock walked over and gasped upon seeing Devin’s open bag of peanuts on his tray, “Hey, Carrie! Since Dev’s snoozing, I gotta know if you’re gonna make a move on that!” he said as he pointed to the peanuts. 

Carrie, thinking he was pointing to Devin said, “What? Oh, but, Devin and I are friends!”

Still on completely different pages, Rock replied, “I know, but this opportunity isn’t gonna last forever!” Rock reached over for the peanuts, but Carrie moved his arm while gasping.

“I guess no opportunities last forever, huh?” Carrie said morosely, “I mean, uh, that’s what I keep thinking! Part of the reason I entered this race was to show him we had a connection! Something special….”

“What? I’m just talking about the peanuts!”

“Huh? Oh, uh, here you go.” Carrie said as she tossed the bag to Rock, who smiled and tossed a peanut into his mouth, “Ugh, why didn’t I just tell Devin I love him in Hawaii? Man, I never thought I was gonna be alone forever! But, when I force myself to face it, I’d rather let him have a happy life with Maggie than not be in my life at all.”

“Happy? Geoff told me Devin said his girlfriend locked him out of a car and he got frostbite over a latte or something. That sounds all like, blegh, y’know?”

“That… is a good point. I… really should get around to talking to him about that after the race.”

Suddenly, Devin jolted awake and looked to Carrie, “Oh good! You’re okay! I had a dream that you and I lived in a treehouse and it caught on fire-“ he began.

“Just you and me? Living together?” Carrie asked.

“Yeah! Well, I was a three headed tiger and you were a monkey in a tuxedo, but it was you. Weird.”

“Ah, was I there?” Rock asked.

“Uh, no? Why would you be?” Devin asked.

“…I dunno, I was just curious.” Rock replied. Devin shrugged and went back to sleep. Carrie was still hung up on something, presumably

the her and Devin living together part of the dream.

Rock walked back over to Spud, who was listening to music as per usual, “I know our strategy was slow and steady, but-“ Rock began.

“Isn’t our strategy to party on?” Spud asked.

“Err, no!”

“That’s our strategy, man!” Brody said from nearby.

“Well, we need a new strategy anyways, so-“ Rock began.

“How about party on harder?” Spud asked.

“Spud! We gotta go faster! Like, pshooh!”

“Okay, I’ll tell the pilot!” Spud said as he ran towards the pilot’s cabin.

“No, Spud, I meant- aww, man!”

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“I’m starting to think, like, maybe there’s such thing as too easygoing. I gotta find a way to motivate this guy!”

“You think Owen and Noah are doing good in the challenges with us not really working with them as much?” Katie asked Sadie.

“They’re pretty much always ahead of us, so probably.” Sadie replied.

“That’s true. Feels a little weird not working with the as much though.”

“Eh, kinda. But hey, that gives us more just me and you time! We don’t usually get that during these competitions.”

“That’s true. I like being around you.” Katie said while blushing. Sadie blushed too.

“Flight number one has reached Beijing, and the teams are being shuttled to their next destination.” Don said as the camera showed the inside of the bus.

“Thanks again for letting us finish ahead of you yesterday.” Kitty said to Owen.

“Yeah, was really nice of you.” Tom agreed.

Owen laughed, “No problem!”

“Just don’t expect us to return the favor to either of you. We have an alliance, but it’s still a competition.” Emma said. Noah was more smitten by Emma’s competitive attitude.

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“Yup. She’s awesome.”

Owen laughed, “Noah and Emma sitting in a tree! K-I-S-“ Noah put his hand over his mouth.

—Interview: Kitty and Emma—

“You like him, admit it.”

“Noah? Psh, I do not like him.”

“Why not? Because he’s weird looking?”

“He’s not weird looking! He’s totally hot.”

“So it’s because he’s boring?”

“He’s not boring! He’s got a great sense of humor, a funny sarcastic streak, a cool moody exterior, and- you’ve got that dumb smirk on your face because I just proved your point, didn’t I?”

Kitty chuckled, “Yup!”

Cut to the bus hitting the Don Box, “Found the Don Box, everyone!” Jen called out as she stepped off the bus while pointing to the thing broken and on the floor while spitting out tips.

“It’s an All-In! ‘Fly over the Bird’s Nest Stadium and tandem jump through the Donut Hole to receive your next tip.’” Lightning read, everyone else mainly listening to him read it as they grabbed their own tips.

“Donuts! Wahoo!” Owen cheered.

Cut to a small plane flying over the Donut Hole stadium, “That’s the donut? Disappointed.” Owen said.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“When are we gonna have another eating challenge? I’m so hungry I could eat a house full of donuts! With chocolate shingles and a white pretzel fence.”

Noah sighed.

“So, uh, I guess they have our backs.” Noah said before internally cringing at his lame pun about the tandem jump thingy.

“Not your best work.” Tom said.

“Yup, that was horrible.” Emma said before whispering to Kitty, “But it was also really adorable.”

Meanwhile, Josee was kissing her lava rock, “I need all the luck this Hawaiian lava rock can bring me!” she said.

—Inteview: Josee and Jacques—

She was rubbing the rock on Jacques’ arm, “Yesterday, we came in fifth! We shouldn’t be down in the dirt with the losers! We should be towering above them like the goddesses we are! Did that sound egotistical?”

“Ready to jump?” Jen asked the others.

“Hey, how hard can it be?” Noah asked.

As the Bloggers, Pros, and Sisters jumped, a gust of wind blew them off target, causing Noah and Owen to land on and crush a rickshaw, Tom and Jen to fall into a food cart, and Emma and Kitty to slam into a gong.

The other teams did not have this issue. B and Lightning landed shockingly fine, only for the Adversity Twins to land on top them, and then the Goths on top of them. And then the Goths’ parachute covered all six of them.

“No! Over there!” Josee yelled as a gust of wind carried her and Jacques away from a stadium.

“I know Josee, it’s just not-“ Jacques began, only for them to slam into a billboard advertising a can of silly string with a donkey on it. Jacques head, of course, was poking out of the area where said donkey’s rear was.

—Interview: Jose’s and Jacques—

“That’s Jacques for you, always trailing behind. But still, he’s an asset to the team.”

”Oh, haha, Josee. Really funny.” he rolled his eyes.

“Okay, this time, less screaming, more steering!” Emma told the members of her alliance as they ran back to the planes.

“I’ll see what I can do, but no guarantees.” Kitty replied.

Just then, the bus with the remaining teams arrived, “C’mon!” Carrie yelled.

“Spud! Hey Spud, want a Choco Oinky?” Rock asked as he held up a box of chocolate covered pork rinds. Spud began running after him, panting like a dog.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“New strategy: Spud loves Choco Oinkies. He’d do anything for one!”

“Chocolate covered pork rindy goodness!”

“So I cleaned out the airport vending machine! This’ll make him, pshooh! Up the pace!” he yelled one in his hand, causing Spud to chomp down on said hand, causing Rock to scream.

“Hey guys!” Katie said as she and Sadie caught up to Owen and Noah.

“Oh, hey! Alright, we’ve got a four team alliance now!” Owen said.

“Huh?” Emma asked.

“Yeah, we’re always allied with Katie and Sadie! They’re some of our best friends!”

“Uh, alright then. Sounds good to me!” Jen said. Tom and Kitty agreed.

“Sure, that sounds good!” Sadie agreed. Katie nodded.

“…alright, I’ll give it a chance.” Emma reluctantly agreed.

Cut to the Haters, Brain and Brawn, Adversity Twins, Goths, and Police Cadets getting their tip inside the stadium, “Alright, it’s another All-In!” Lightning read.

“Well, an All-In with a twist.” Don said as the camera cut to him at a food vendor, “To receive their next tip from this vendor, one team member must assemble and deep fry a skewer of Beijing street food, and their partner has to eat it.”

Cut to the five teams arriving at the food vendor. Crimson and Ennui wasted no time in opening a crate filled with bats to set them free.

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“Ah, bats are the most beautiful creatures in earth. I had to set them free.”

Cut to the Ice Dancers landing in the stadium. On the landing, Jacques rolled his ankle and screamed in pain.

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“Why is Jacques so clumsy today!? Don’t give him any sympathy, you’ll just encourage him.”

Jacques was hopping on one leg in agony as Josee ran, “Snap out of it! This is a competition! Our fans are watching! Eat the pain! And smile!” Josee yelled before waving to the camera. A very pained Jacques struggled to do the same.

Devin and Carrie landed nearby, “That was incredible! Woo!” Carrie cheered. A petrified looking Devin fell over afterwards.

—Interview: Devin and Carrie—

“I am not great with heights or falling from them, which I think is reasonable. I’m just really glad Carrie was there to see me through. To be honest, Maggie would’ve totally bailed.”

“Hey, what’s that?”

“What? What’s what?” as Devin looked away, Carrie pumped her fists in joy.

“Oh, uh, guess it was nothing.”

“So, uh, do you like movies, or-“ Noah said to Emma as they landed, only to fall over once they reached the ground. The BFFFLs and Fashion Bloggers couldn’t stop themselves from laughing at that.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“I so wasn’t trying to interrupt, I just landed on you by accident!”

“I know, big guy. I’m just trying to get to know her so I can ask her out. Now I have no idea if she likes movies.”

“Everyone likes movies!”

“…I have no idea what I’m doing.”

—Interview: Katie, Jen, Sadie, and Tom—

“Okay, you’ve gotta tell us now Noah’s whole thing with Emma’s been going.”

“Right now, Kitty’s leading the charge on playing matchmaker for them. Which they both desperately need. That’s how this whole alliance got started.”

“Oh, I hear you there. We know Noah, and this really isn’t his forte. How’d you two get involved in this alliance, though?”

“Oh, Kitty’s totally crushing on Jen. She’s super obvious.”

“She totally is. But hey, I sure don’t mind.” Jen said.

—Interview: Tom and Jen—

“Speaking of obvious crushes, you can totally see those two are totally in love with each other, right?”

“Oh, for sure. There’s a lot of pining in this alliance right now.”

“Five people. Six if you’re into Kitty.”

“I mean, she is cute. And funny. I’d really like to get to know her more.”

Cut to Crimson taking a bite of a skewer and nearly puking, “Drottinn minn dũri….” she mumbled. Ryan looked inside a box, only for a snake to pop out and coil around him. Meanwhile, Mickey got pulled into another box while screaming. MacArthur facepalmed after dropping her whole skewer into the deep fryer, and a swarm of bats were chasing B and Lightning. Overall, nobody was having a good time.

“Uh, I’m not sure if I can-“ Carrie said before almost puking.

“It’s okay, relax, I’ll eat it. You just skewer up some worms, and-“ Devin began, only for Carrie to puke, “I can’t even say worms?”

Carrie proceeded to puke again.

—Interview: Devin and Carrie—

Carrie was pale and holding a bucket, “When we were seven, Carrie’s sister dared her to eat a worm.” Devin said as he covered Carrie’s ears, “She did it, and then she barfed for six days straight.”

“Were you talking about worms…?”

“…no….?”

Carrie puked anyway.

“Yeah, okay.”

“C’mon, stay still! Stupid things!“ Lightning said as he tried to poke scorpions with the skewer, “Maybe I’ll just grab one!”

B grabbed Lightning’s hand and pulled it away before he could. Lightning thought for a moment before realizing the problem, “Ah. Am I stupid?” he asked.

B nodded and handed Lightning a grabber, “Ah. Thanks.” he said as he tried to use that, only for his attempts to grab one to somehow result in one being launched at Jacques’ face.

“Agh! Kill it, Josee!” Jacques yelled.

“Stand still!” Josee said before punching his face continuously, never once even trying to hit the scorpion.

“…I’m not on my a-game, am I?” Lightning asked. B shrugged.

Cut to the Rockers finally getting their tip in the stadium, “We did it! Oink me!” Spud said.

“Not until we’re out of last place!” Rock replied.

“Aww, come on!”

“Fine. Go get it! There it goes! Faster, boy!” Rock said after pretending to throw one.

“I’ll get it! I’ll get it!” Spud yelled as and Rock ran out of the stadium.

—Interview: Spud and Rock—

“My mom says I’m a light eater. When the lights go on, I start eating.”

Cut to a scorpion breaking Jay’s skewer. He and Mickey looked concerned. Meanwhile, Ryan was smiling as he put the skewer into the deep fryer, much to Stephanie’s anger.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“Cooking up something disgusting for someone you love is so hard. But when it comes to not love? Man, it’s so fun.” he chuckled.

“How are you feeling?” Josee asked the very bruised Jacques.

“I can’t feel my face….” he said, the scorpion now resting atop his head.

“Good.” Josee said as she pulled out the skewer and grabbed Jacques’ jaw, causing him to scream as she forced it into his mouth and forced him to chew it, “Done! We’re in first place!”

Jacques screamed in agony and ran around in circles as the vendor handed Josee the tip, “It’s a Botch-or-Watch. ‘Whoever didn’t dive for rings in Hawaii-‘“ she began reading.

“-must pull their teammate by rickshaw all the way here, to the Great Wall of China, using only this rudimentary map.” Don said as the camera cut to him at the Chill Zone holding a map, “Last team to find the Chill Zone hidden somewhere along the Wall and check in could be checking out.”

Cut to Josee pulling Jacques on the rickshaw, with the Police Cadets and Surfer Dudes close behind.

“Three teams have moved on! Carrie, you need to start skewering if-“ Devin began before Carrie ran off and puked, “Okay.”

“I prep, you eat!” Emma told Kitty as that whole alliance arrived.

“Was that even a question?” Kitty asked.

“Not really, no.”

Noah, seeing this, turned to Owen, “You prep, I eat! Not a question, go!” he said in an attempt to seem more assertive.

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“I figure, if I act just like Emma, she’ll see we’d make a great couple. I’ve got this all figured out.”

“Wow, that was mean.” Emma said as she walked off.

“…why wouldn’t you have Owen eat it? Are you stupid?” Katie asked, flabbergasted.

“I don’t know….”

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“Why is this so hard?”

“Now do you want our help, cassa-Noah?”

“How? How could you possibly help?”

“Well, my experience with girls-“

“Is limited to the most insane girl we’ve ever met?”

“Yes. But it has taught me to always do one really important thing. And that is a simple trick everyone should know! Be subtle.”

Cut to Owen and Emma skewering starfish, “Psst! Noah likes you!” Owen said.

“Psst! I don’t care!” Emma replied instinctively.

—Interview: Kitty and Emma—

“Why!?”

“I don’t know!”

“Work with me, Emma, work with me!”

“Okay, so which one of us is gonna be stuck eating this?” Tom asked Jen.

“Uhh….” Jen began, only to notice Kitty waiting around, “…I’ll bite the bullet and take the noble sacrifice to-“

“Just go talk to her already.” Tom said with a laugh. Jen laughed too and walked over to Kitty.

Cut to Ryan smiling, only for Stephanie to throw the finished skewer at his face.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“Ha! Your lame cooking couldn’t slow me down!”

“Woo, man! Cockroach breath! Gross!”

Ryan was about to grave the tip from the vendor, only for Stephanie to run past and grab it instead.

“Ooh, look at this cute little guy!” Sadie said as she and Devin looked over the box with a snake. The snake then proceeded to bite Devin in the face, “Meh, snakes aren’t for everyone.”

Cut to Spud trying and failing to skewer a starfish, “Woah, if I had that many arms, I could play guitar, drums, and bass all at the same time!” he said.

“Man, hurry up! …also you’d still need one more arm.” Rock replied.

—Interview: Spud and Rock—

“I think a Choco Oink would really help me pick it up, y’know?”

“Yeah? One or these? I sure hope there’s some left when we aren’t in last place!” Rock said as he tossed one into his mouth.

Spud gasped, “You can’t do that!”

“There! First place, here we come!” Jacques cheered. And then Josee genuinely slipped on a banana peel, toppling her and sending Jacques flying, “My other ankle!”

Cut to Kitty showing Jen pictures on her phone, “Yeah, and these ones are from the time I ate thirteen bags of candy in a row so I could get such a sugar rush that I could stay awake long enough to fully complete Ghost Clock 3 all in one go. Just… be glad I don’t have pictures of the aftermath.” she said as she and Jen laughed.

“You’re a lot of fun. …y’know, I’m glad we’re in this whole alliance together. I like hanging out with you.” Jen said. Kitty blushed.

Meanwhile, Noah was not having nearly as good a time, “Sadie, am I doing something wrong?” he asked her.

“Considering that you’re not the one preparing the food, yes.” Sadie replied.

“No, I mean like… with Emma.”

“Huh? Oh yeah, absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt.”

“I- well- I’m not taking relationship advice from you until you ask out Katie.”

“Wha- I- …fair.”

“…joking aside, you really need to tell her how you feel already.”

“I know, I know, and I’m gonna! …mainly because I accidentally admitted I had a crush on her to the camera in Morocco and since she’s gonna see that on TV, I’ll have to say something. I just… I don’t know how to do it.”

“Well… we’ll both figure out our crush issues sooner or later, right?”

“I hope so.”

Cut to Emma, Tom, Owen, and Katie arriving at their teammates with the skewers. Noah winced at seeing his, before noticing Kitty was eating hers just fine. He took a breath and shoved the whole skewer into his mouth at once, and then did that weird open chewing thing because of how hot it was, “I know it’s a race, but that’s gross.” Emma said.

“Sorry!” Noah said, but since he had food in his mouth, some of it sprayed towards Emma’s face, causing to her to run off and puke in Carrie’s bucket.

“You are so bad at this.” Tom said. Noah sighed.

Cut to Ryan pulling Stephanie’s rickshaw across an incredibly bumpy road, “Stop hitting every bump on purpose!” she yelled as Ryan laughed.

—Interview: Ryan—

“I could’ve gone with the smoother road, but I’m a symbolic guy. I decided to go with the one that’s most like our relationship! Cracked, twisted, and falling part. I am so funny.”

Cut to the Police Cadets and Surfer Dudes reaching the wall, “Which way?” Sanders asked.

“Should we split up?” Geoff asked.

“…were we working together to begin with?” MacArthur asked. All four of them shrugged and went the same way.

Cut to Jacques and Josee stopping to catch their breath, “Which way?” Josee asked.

“This map is useless!” Jacques said while looking at the pretty unhelpful map.

Josee kissed the lava rock, smeared it all over the map, and tossed it away, “I’ll let luck decide!” she declared as it blew to the left, so they went that way. And did not notice the wind change.

Cut to B shuddered as he swallowed the skewer, “Yeesh, that looked gross. …there’s only two other teams still here, come on!” Lightning said as he grabbed B’s hand and dragged him to the rickshaw.

—Interview: Carrie and Devin—

“But it’s not chicken?”

“Doesn’t matter! Say it like you mean it, over and over, make your mind believe it’s chicken.”

“Okay. It’s chicken. It’s chicken. It’s chicken, it’s chicken, it’s chicken!”

Cut to Devin handing Carrie the skewer, “It’s chicken! It’s chicken! It’s chicken!” she said before taking a bite.

“That’s it! Now, taste the chicken!” Devin said.

“I can has Choco Oink?” Spud asked as he handed Rock the skewer.

“No, dude, we’re still in last!” Rock said before nearly pulling at the sight of the skewer.

—Interview: Spud and Rock—

“Once, I ate deep fried tofu. I was like, blegh! But this thing was like….” he started twitching and I dunno how to put that sound effect into words.

Cut to the Surfers and Cadets, “We’ve been going for so long, this has to be the wrong way!” Sanders said.

“Doing a 180 then!” Geoff said as they all turned around, “Woo!”

“But you like him! So why are you shooting him down?” Kitty asked as she took selfies.

“It’s a competition! Relationships mess things up!” Emma said as she pulled the rickshaw as fast as she could.

“Or they make them better.”

“But that’s problem! You never know!”

“Every relationship… must take… risks….” Tom said from behind them between several breaths, “I am… not athletic…!”

“He really isn’t.” Jen said.

Kitty laughed, and then she and Emma went over a rock, causing their wheel to come undone and them to fall over. And then Owen accidentally trampled that wheel.

“Well, that’s not good.” Katie said.

“It’s destroyed! We’re gonna lose!” Emma said in agony.

“Hey! You guys need a hand?” Owen asked.

“Hi Emma! Act normal!” Noah said, much to everyone’s confusion, “…that part wasn’t supposed to be out loud. I was talking to myself. How could this get more awkward? …also to myself.”

“Please stop.” Emma said.

“Okay.”

Cut to the Ryan and Stephanie on the wall, “Let’s go left.” Stephanie said.

“Oh no. No we don’t.” Ryan replied.

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“Stephanie’s always wrong! So whatever she says, we should do the opposite!”

“Fine! I think we should let you live!”

Ryan sighed.

“We’re going right!” Ryan yelled.

“You don’t tell me-“ Stephanie began, only for Ryan to pick her up and carry her himself.

Cut to the Sisters and Pros moving along, “You alright back there, Noah?” Emma asked.

“Yup! It’s good!” Noah said as the camera showed how the Sisters’ rickshaw was moving: Noah was holding where the wheel was with his hand while bending out of his own rickshaw.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Kitty asked.

“Oh yes, I’m in tremendous pain! But Emma’s very pretty! …that was out loud again, wasn’t it?” Noah asked. Emma would never admit it, but she smiled at that.

Cut to Ryan and Stephanie arriving at the Chill Zone, “Please tell me all the other teams arrived already so I wont be forced to be with him anymore!” Stephanie said.

Don laughed, “You’re not gonna believe this, but you’re actually in first.” he said in between laughs. Despite what she just said, they still cheered. Ryan threw Stephanie off of his shoulder in the process.

Cut to the alliance on the wall, “So, which way do we go?” Tom asked.

“Okay, before the race, I asked some of our friends what we should do in a scenario like this. So I’ll just do what Brick said the best idea was: CHARGE!” she yelled as she ran off in one direction. Sadie shrugged and ran after her, also yelling charge.

The other six shrugged and followed, “How’s your hand?” Emma asked Noah.

“It’s fine. This one though, not so much.” Noah said as he held up his swollen hand.

“Yeesh, that’s horrible!” Emma said as she rubbed his hand in an attempt to make it feel better, “What you did was… really nice. Does this help?”

“It’s… actually really painful. But don’t stop. …oh no, was that out loud?”

“You didn’t say anything.” Kitty said.

“Oh. Good.”

Cut to the Ice Dancers running along, only to see the Surfers and Cadets running towards them, “If they’re coming towards us, we’re going the wrong way!” Josee yelled. She and Jacques screamed before turning around.

“We can’t keep being so far behind! I gotta make Pops proud! I gotta make Pops proud!” Lightning told himself as he pulled the rickshaw, seeming very worried. B looked worried for him. …and then Lightning slipped on the same banana peel Josee did, sending B flying into the wall.

“There! That should hold it until-“ Rock began, only to see Spud looking at the empty Choco Oinks box, “Seriously!? Did you just down all the Choco Oinks!?”

“Uh… maybe?” Spud replied.

“I needed those to motivate you!”

“To… eat them all? Done!”

“That’s a bad Spud!”

Suddenly, Spud got way louder than he’d ever had before, “Hey, do you wanna waste this sugar high or ride it!?” he asked. Rock was now more okay with Spud downing the box.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“A few years ago, Spud downed a whole box of chocolate covered coffee beans!”

“Yeah, I did over three thousand consecutive power slides.”

“Yeah man, it was like, phshooh, waaaah! Pshoom!”

“Spud, hold up! I’m supposed to pull the-“ Rock began as he ran after Spud.

“Choco Oink!” Spud yelled. Rock had no other choice but to hop onto the rickshaw.

Cut to the Chill Zone, “All six of you are here, but only one team can come in second.” Don told the Sisters, Reality TV Pros, and Fashion Bloggers.

“Ladies first.” Noah said.

“Nuh-uh. You first, guys. An alliance should be fair, and it’s your turn.” Emma told Noah.

“I like you.” Noah said.

“Just get on the carpet, you dork.”

“…we took second last time, we’ll let you guys go ahead.” Tom told Kitty and Emma. Jen agreed and they all went onto the Carpet in the order they’d laid out.

“Ugh… that was not chicken….” Carrie groaned from her rickshaw.

“I LOVE CHOCO OINKS!” Spud yelled as he ran past her and Devin whilst Rock struggled to hold on.

Cut to the Ice Dancers at the Chill Zone, “Fifth!? Again!?” Josee yelled in anger.

“Yes, fifth always comes after fourth. The numbers are sequential.” Don said.

—Interview: Ice Dancers—

Jacques was smiling and trying to pretend everything was okay as Jose’s three stuff in a blind rage.

“Police Cadets sixth, Surfer Dudes in seventh, BFFFLs take eighth!” Don said as they all arrived at the Chill Zone.

“What happened to you two? You were ahead of us!” Jen asked Katie and Sadie.

“We, uh, took a wrong turn.” Katie said.

“…I biked over a claymore on this wall once.” Sadie said.

“She did, I was there. And I also did that.” Noah added.

“…okay… Stepbrothers in Ninth, Goths in tenth, Brain and Brawn take eleventh, and Adversity Twins in twelfth.” Don said as they all arrived.

“There’s the Chill Zone! Yeah!” Spud yelled as he and Roxy ran towards it, only for him to slow down, “Sugar… crash….”

Carrie and Devin passed by them just as Rock managed to push Spud onto the Carpet of Completion, “Best Friends in thirteenth. Rockers, I’m afraid you’re the last team to arrive.” Don told them.

“Aww, we were so close….” Spud said.

“If it makes you feel any better, you would’ve been penalized into last place anyway, Rock was supposed to pull the rickshaw.” Don said.

“Told ya, man.” Rock said.

“I guess that makes me feel a little better. Sorry I blew it for us.” Spud said.

“Nah, man. It’s my fault. If I’m gonna use treats to train you like a dog, I can’t be surprised when you go nuts and crash the kitchen.” Rock said as they chuckled, “Uh, Don, you got anything else to make us feel better…?”

“I know what you’re asking, and yes, yes I do. This is a non-elimination round! You’re still in!” Don told them.

“Ah, victory riff!” Spud cheered as he and Rock began playing air guitar and making sound effects.

“Not really a victory. Who will be next to go? Probably them, but there’s only one way to be sure. Tune in for the next episode of… the Ridiculous Race!” Don said to sign off the episode.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, our teams got skewered in China, and even though they say love conquers all, it seems hate is also very effective. The Daters came in first, and while it was sweet that the Rockers- actually no, just Rock- tried, they totally crashed. But it was a non-elimination round, so they live to fail another day! Fourteen proud teams remain. Time to send one of them packing, because this is… the  Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open on Don atop the Great Wall of China, “Last episode’s Chill Zone sits atop the Great Wall of China. That makes it today’s starting point, and last episode’s winners are the first team to grab a tip.” he said as Stephanie grabbed the tip out of Ryan’s hands.

“You gonna tell me what it says?” Ryan asked, annoyed.

“You gonna let me read it!?” Stephanie replied bitterly.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“We can’t quit now! The prize money’s like children. We’re staying together for the kids.”

“I heard they’re changing our name from the Daters to the Haters.”

“Hey, go for it. My hate for him won us the last round, so today I plan to hate him even more.”

“I couldn’t hate her more if I tried! They might as well just give us the money right now!”

“‘Fly to Oulu, Finland.’” Stephanie read.

Cut to the photo montage, “Finland. This European country is home to countless coffee drinkers, cellphone users, and the most saunas per capita, which is where the teams are headed, here to this Don Box at these piping hot saunas.” Don said as he approached a Don Box that was wearing nothing but a towel.

Cut to Don and the bear in a sauna, “Why suffer in the cold when you can suffer in the heat?” he asked as he stepped out, completely red, only for his towel to fall, causing him to run off screaming.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“Finland is a paradise.”

“They have four months of almost total darkness. And goth is mainstream.”

Ennui pulled up a picture of the head of heavy metal band, “This guy ran for office. And won.”

Cut to the teams trying to call out for a taxi, all saying it in different ways. None of them stopped. That is until a cab saw Spud waving his shirt around and screaming “TAXI!” at the top of his lungs.

“Dude, way to flag!” Rock said as he hopped inside.

—Interview: Spud and Rock—

“Rock asked me to step up my game on account of how I tank everything.”

“I was like, dude! And he was all, but dude. So I was like, dude. And he was all, dude….”

“That’s exactly how it went down.”

Rock made another noise I can’t put to words, “First place, here we come!” he said.

“Right on!” Spud said as he and Rock fist bumped, only for him to make a horrible, horrible mistake, “Anyone want a lift?”

Cut to the taxi now containing the Rockers, Haters, Police Cadets, Goths, and Brain and Brawn. Spud was the only one smiling.

Rock, deciding to make the most of the situation, said, “Hey, since we have you guys a lift, maybe we could have an alliance or something, y’know?” he proposed.

Everyone else (excluding the forever silent B), including the taxi driver for some reason, collectively said, “No.”

“Wahoo! Alliance!” Spud said, not getting it or just deliberately choosing to be like this, “Okay team, just a heads up! I’m gullible, get distracted easy, and cannot say no to a dare.”

—Interview: MacArthur, Stephanie, Crimson, Ennui, B, Lightning, Sanders, and Ryan—

“Okay, so who’s gonna dare him to do something so absurdly stupid it’ll probably end up getting them eliminated?”

“First come first serve, I say.”

They all nodded and smiled.

—Interview: Rock—

“I regret everything.”

“Our team are on route to Finland, and thanks to the power of editing, they’ve now arrived.” Don said as the camera showed the plane landing before cutting to a taxi, carrying the Pros, pulled up to the Don Box.

“Wahoo! First ones here!” Owen said as Noah grabbed the tip.

“It’s an All-In. ‘Finnish Spa Day. Teams have to sit in a dry sauna-‘“ Noah began.

“Awesome!”

“‘-fully clothed at the highest heat for ten minutes.’”

“…less awesome.” Owen said as he pulled his shorts back up.

Cut to Don in a sauna, “Each spa hut has just enough room for two teams, and the ten minute timer doesn’t start until both teams have crammed inside.” he explained.

“‘After the sauna, collect your tip from the next Don Box by crossing the semi-frozen river.’” Noah read as the camera cut to a baby seal sitting on an iceberg in the river. He sneezed and fell off.

“Let’s do this! First place!” Owen cheered.

“Wait!” Noah said as he grabbed Owen, “Do you mind if we, uh, wait? For uh, I dunno, Emma and Kitty?”

“Do I mind? Not in the least!”

—Interview: Noah and Emma—

“I’m making headway with Emma. The trick is to constantly be in her face. Girls love that! But I won’t let it affect our race, my top priority is Emma! I mean, winning!”

Owen laughed, “Sure it is.”

“Alright, first place! Bunaneow!” Rock cheered as he and Spud ran into a sauna.

“Now we’re in second place.” Owen said.

“Relax, buddy, we’ll get there.” Noah said. And then the Goths ran into the Rockers’ sauna.

“Third place.”

“Still top three.” Noah said. And then the Adversity Twins ran by. And then the Ice Dancers. And the Police Cadets, Haters, Brain and Brawn, Stepbrothers, Fashion Bloggers, and BFFFLs. At least those four said hi as they ran past.

“Eleventh place!”

“Okay, seriously, where are they!?” Noah asked. And then they walked up, “Oh, hey! So, uh, it’s two teams per sauna, and hey, look at that! We’re two teams!”

“A sauna together, huh? Sounds hot.” Kitty joked. Cut to them in the sauna itself, “Too hot… how long’s it been?”

“Ten seconds.” Emma replied.

“So, uh-“ Noah began.

“Too hot to talk!”

“Right.”

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“Yup, making headway.”

“And all it cost us was our lead!”

—Interview: Kitty and Emma—

“What’s your problem? You like Noah!”

“Shh! Noah doesn’t know that, and I don’t want him finding out!”

“Are you kidding? I know, Owen knows, Tom and Jen know, Katie and Sadie know, Carrie knows, Mickey knows, Geoff and Brody know, Rock knows, Crimson and Ennui know, Ryan kno-“

“How many people do you talk to in between episodes!?”

“Almost everyone. And almost everyone already figured it out.”

“Well, whatever. I’ll ask him out after we win, okay?”

“You’re gonna ask out Noah!”

“Ugh.”

Cut to Katie and Sadie, “Y’know, we both wear crop tops and shorts, and it’s still really hot in here for us. So I gotta ask, how are you two even still alive!?” Katie asked as the camera panned to show Tom and Jen wearing hazmat suits.

“We… couldn’t let… any of our good clothes get ruined….” Tom managed to say, as he and Jen were barely staying conscious.

Cut to the Ice Dancers, “Why are ice dancing clothes so well insulated!? Y’know, your good luck charm thing must be broken!” Jacques said.

“Perhaps not. Our main competition are those weakling twins! The heat will destroy them!” Josee said.

“Uh, we heard all that.” Jay said as the camera panned to show him and Mickey who, unlike everyone else, weren’t sweating.

“And we’re fine, thanks.” Mickey added.

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“We suffer from a rare condition called temperature dyslexia.”

“We can feel hot or cold. We get burns and frostbite a lot, but… we’re gonna own this challenge!”

Then they failed to do a high-five.

“As the teams get cooking, some take the chance to unwind.” Don’s voiceover said as it showed the Stepbrothers and Brain and Brawn not having a good time (B in particular was regretting his choice of a really big hoodie), followed by the Surfer Dudes and Best Friends fairing somewhat better, “While others take the chance to talk strategy.”

“Ugh, when we get out, we should, ugh, go fast.” Ryan told Stephanie.

“Nice plan, bicep brain. I was considering going slow. In the race.” she replied.

Cut to the Rockers, “Almost time to jet.” Rock said as he looked at the timer as it neared its end.

“Sweet, because this heat is getting to me. It looks like those two are melting.” Spud replied while pointing to the Goths.

“Dude, relax, they’re totally not- WHOA! YOU GUYS ARE MELTING!” Rock screamed out as he looked to see that Ennui and Crimson’s extremely heavy makeup was coming off due to the heat, making it look like they were melting. The duo gasped in terror. Just then, the timer ran out, as did the Goths.

“First place.” Ennui said, trying to keep his cool.

“And they’re off! Some very fast, others not so much.” Don said as the camera showed the Adversity Twins walking out of the sauna.

“Bye! Have a nice race!” Mickey said before he and Jay ran off as the Ice Dancers flopped over into the snow.

Meanwhile, Kitty was pouring a bucket of water over her head, “I didn’t know dry saunas had water.” she said.

“Uh, it isn’t water. It’s Owen’s sweat.” Noah said as the camera panned to show that Owen had another four buckets of sweat around him.

“I am a sweat volcano.” Owen groaned. Kitty screamed and ran out. Emma and Noah trudged out after them, only for Owen to slam into them and run off, yelling, “Need cold!”

“Must… preserve… greatness awaits!” Jacques said as he and Josee crawled through the snow, only to get trampled by Kitty, “Well, that was rude!”

And then Owen trampled him as well.

Cut to the Goths reaching the river, “Here’s the semi-frozen river.” Ennui said.

Kitty, still screaming and running with her eyes closed, slammed into them, causing all three to fall into the water, “Ugh! So unclean!” she groaned as she tried to scrub herself. Owen jumped in and comedically came out frozen in ice.

“Woah, that looks way too cold!” Emma said as they arrived.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad.” Noah replied before hopping in. He began shivering immediately, “S-s-see?”

“Uh….”

“I got it! Ride Owen!”

“Uh, are you sure?”

“Of course!” Noah replied. Emma stepped on the frozen Owen, which didn’t fully submerge him. Just mostly, “See, he’s fine.”

Cut to Jay and Mickey getting their tip on the other side of the river, “‘Head to downtown Oulu and get ready to air out your rock on.’ I hope you’re not allergic to rocks.” Mickey said.

“Heh, probably. Seriously though, I should check my records.” Jay said as he pulled out a medieval scroll of his allergies.

Ennui and Crimson coughed as they crawled out the other side of the river. Expect, something about them was different. The extreme heat followed by the extremely cold water had managed to wash off all of their makeup, leaving them noticeably less pale. And then their hair fell off their heads, revealing them to just be wigs. In actuality, Ennui had short brown hair and Crimson had short ginger hair. The duo screamed in terror at seeing each other both pulling out their hand mirrors and screaming at seeing themselves.

“My face!” Ennui yelled.

“Ekki horfa á mig!” Crimson yelled back.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

They were both wearing paper bags over their heads, “We’ve only been dating for three years, so naturally, we’ve never seen each other un-gothed.”

“I feel like a dead body that washed up onshore, but in a bad way.”

“You sure you two don’t wanna change?” Sadie asked Tom and Jen as they reached the river.

“Trust me, this is just as risky as the heat. We’re swimming.” Jen said as she and Tom hopped into the river. Katie and Sadie shrugged and tried to hop across pieces of ice.

“I’m already shivering, I can’t jump in that!” Ryan said as he and Stephanie arrived.

“You’re right, there’s only one way we can do this. Go for it!” Stephanie replied as she pushed Ryan into the river.

“You’re pure evil!” Ryan said as he grabbed Steph’s leg and threw her in.

“I hate you so much!”

“Okay, Spud! Let’s do this!” Rock said.

“Here I go….” Spud said nervously.

“Hey, Spud!” MacArthur said as she and Sanders arrived, “Dare you to kiss that seal.”

“Bro! No! Don’t listen to-“ Rock tried to say, but to no avail.

“Double dare!”

—Interview: Spud and Rock—

“If there’s a lesson I’ve learned again and again, it’s that if something sounds like a bad idea, looks like a bad idea, and requires a dare to do it, then it’s gonna be crazy!”

Cut to Spud sitting on an ice flow in front of a baby seal, “C’mon, he’s just a cute little guy! He probably kisses people all the-“ he began, only for the seal to jump onto his head and bite him.

“Okay, did not see that coming.” Rock said before turning to MacArthur, “I hope you’re aware that I don’t care about winning this leg of the race anymore. All I care about is placing higher than you.”

“I wish you luck with that. Hey, if we’re doing another Botch-or-Watch today, it’s Spud’s turn. All I’m saying.” MacArthur replied.

“You planned this. You’re evil.”

“Eh, I won’t necessarily disagree.”

“You won’t!?” Sanders asked before the three hoped into the river.

“Delayed pain reaction in three, two, one.” Rock said. Right on cue, Spud started screaming.

—Interview: Rock—

“It went all womp onto his head and I was like, woah, okay! Man, he’s so guh all the time, even when he’s trying, it’s just-“ Spud ran by in the background screaming, “-that. Totally hashing my mellow, man.”

Cut to the Twins, Sisters, and Pros arriving at a giant stage with a crowd of goths in front of it, “Woah, cool! I wonder who’s playing!” Owen said as the three team grabbed tips.

“Uh, we are.” Noah said.

“It’s a Botch-Or-Watch.” Mickey said.

“‘Teams must battle it out in Finland’s national sport, air guitar.’ Psht, air guitar!? For real!?” Emma asked.

“For very real.” Don said as the camera cut to him onstage, “Performances will be judged by this applause meter. Get the crowd into a maximum frenzy, and teams can rock on over here to the Chill Zone. Bottom out, and it’s off to the back of the line to try, try again.”

“Man, I hate air guitar. Good thing it’s not my turn.” Noah said.

“Uh, buddy? I pulled the rickshaw, remember?” Owen asked.

“…oh no.”

Cut to Kitty making funny guitar noises backstage while playing air guitar, “How do I look?” she asked.

“Like a lunatic, but I think that’s what we’re going for, so keep it up.” Emma said.

“Rock and roll!”

“I thought it was kinda cute, personally.” Jen said as she and Tom arrived. Kitty’s face immediately turned red.

“Strum it like you own it!” Jay told Mickey.

“I feel ridiculous.” he replied.

“Maybe you need to rock harder?”

“What, like this? Power slide!” he cheered as he tried to slide, but fell flat on his face.

“Not really.”

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“Air guitar. All the coolness of not being a musician-“

“Trent’s gonna kill you for that one.”

“-all the lameness of jumping around like a buffoon.”

“Yeah, this one had Owen written all over it!”

“Don’t worry buddy, I’m gonna channel by inner Owen.”

“Yeah!” they fist-bumped.

Cut to Noah onstage doing his best as Owen cheered from backstage. Noah looked over and saw Emma rolling her eyes.

—Interview: Noah and Owen—

“Yeah, it’s kinda hard to dance like nobody’s watching when somebody’s actually watching.”

“I was just trying to be supportive! …oh, you mean Emma.”

Noah ended up tripping over a wire, causing a speaker to almost fall on him. Owen ran over to save him, but really just made things worse. The crowd let out a bunch of boos, signaling the end of their turn.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“I love who you are in the inside, but I just can’t look at you on the outside.”

“I know. Looking at your perky nose makes me wanna vomit.”

“Sorry, only Ridonculous Race contestants allowed.” Don told the Goths as they arrived.

“But it’s us! I’m Ennui! This is Crimson!” Ennui said.

“That can’t be, because I’m not even remotely creeped out.”

“But… we have a camera crew with us.” Crimson pointed out as the camera zoomed out to show said crew, who all waved.

“…fine, I guess that checks out.”

“I dunno man, your crush on Emma just got you crushed!” Owen said as they began walking backstage.

“It’s fine. Sure, we’re at the back of the line, but we’re still in the top five.” Noah said, only to see that literally everyone else, sans the Rockers, had arrived, “Six, seven, eight, ugh. Crud.”

“Looks like I’m up!” Mickey said.

“Watch out for the tree of speakers, they tend to fall.”

“Tree!? Fall!?”

—Interview: Jay and Mickey—

“Do you guys really even care enough for the full story this time? School play, he was a tree, tripped over his own roots.”

“Got a concussion.”

Mickey didn’t even begin air guitaring, he was too busy looking in fear at the speakers. The crowd booed and a cane pulled him offstage.

“It seems like nobody can air out their rock on. Did that make sense?” Don’s voiceover asked as the camera showed Kitty flubbing her performance, Jen’s shoe somehow flying off during hers, Sadie tripping during hers, MacArthur’s power slide failing and Stephanie just flexing and not even attempting to air guitar. All of them got tomatoes to the face for their efforts. Jacques was doing alright with his, doing a pirouette as he air guitared, only to hit the power line and get electrocuted, “And even when they get a groove on, they trip over it.”

“Why are there even wires up here!? This is air guitar!” he yelled.

Ennui was initially doing very well, with his performance, only for his bag to fall off is his head and reveal just how preppy he really looked to the crowd, “Get off the stage, preppy!” someone yelled. Ennui looked heartbroken.

“Or they just lack that special something.” Don’s voiceover said.

“Crimson? Wow! Your skin is so flesh colored!” Devin said to her.

“I love your hair!” Carrie added.

“You’re throwing a lot of positive emotions my way and I don’t know what to do with that.” she said as she put her bag back over her head.

“Crimson, wait. This is just what the world is for us now. I think I know how to handle it.” Ennui said as he walked over.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“We’re quitting.”

Cut to Lorenzo leaning back to far as he air guitared, causing him to fall over, “Will anyone pass this challenge? Seriously, this is pathetic.” Don said as the camera showed Geoff playing more of an air ukulele. The audience didn’t like that.

Cut to B seemingly getting the hang of it pretty well. The audience was cheering, everything was going well, he was nearing the top of the meter… and then someone caught on to his schtick, “Wait a minute! That’s air keytar!” a member of the crowd yelled out. The audience began booing and throwing tomatoes, knocking B over. Lightning sighed and dragged him backstage.

Cut to Rock and Spud finally arriving, “Hey, have we lost yet?” Rock asked.

“No, but I have faith.” Josee said.

“I don’t, this challenge is like his whole thing!” Lightning said as he dragged B over.

Rock actually looked at the tip for the first time, “Air guitar!? I can totally do that! That’s literally my whole thing!” he said before doing air guitar again.

“Hate to be the bearer of bad news, bro, but you can’t. You were supposed to pull the rickshaw, so, it’s Spud’s turn.” Brody said.

“But he needs time to recover from like, bwomp, seal venom or whatever! He’ll botch it!”

“And we’ll all watch it.” Josee said.

Carrie walked backstage after totally failing her attempt, “Welp, Spud, you’re up.” she said before jokingly “handing” Spud the air guitar.

Cut to Spud just standing onstage. Not doing anything. Rock looked on nervously. The audience began booing, “Aww, man! This is so over!” Rock said. But then, he noticed something. Spud’s finger began moving to the beat. He began tapping his shoe. The audience’s booing hesitantly slowed down as they saw him begin moving his head to the beat.

They watched as Spud got into the rhythm, beginning to cheer as he began doing air guitar, putting his foot on the amp, doing a few power slides, you get the picture.

—Interview: Rock—

“Man, this whole time, I was worried about Spud being all, woo-oo woo-oo, and never using his brain, but then I realized, bading! That’s what makes him so awesome! Wahoo!”

“Go!” Rock cheered.

“Rock, light me up!” Spud said. Rock tossed him a lighter. Spud lit it and then farted into the flame for some reason, but the audience thought it was the most metal thing ever. Everyone watched in, quite frankly, shock as the meter filled up for the first time all night, and from the people they assumed would be gone next without question no less.

“And so we have the winners of this round, the Rockers take first place!” Don said as the walked onto the Carpet of Completion, “There isn’t a soul in Finland who isn’t filled with joy right now!”

Cut to the souls Finland who weren’t filled with joy, those being Ennui and Crimson, sitting sadly in the back of a cab, “I wish it didn’t have to end this way.” Crimson said.

“Maybe it doesn’t. We could try to accept each other the way we are.” Ennui said. The duo took the bags off of their heads and smiled at each other, genuinely okay with it. And then Ennui noticed the window of the clothing store next to them, “Look!”

Crimson gasped as they saw the coolest, most fire the top goth outfits imaginable, “Mér finnst ég yngjast.” she said as the two looked on in awe.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?”

“With the Rockers’ example in mind, teams amp up their performances with rocking results.” Don’s voiceover said as the camera showed MacArthur doing the same lighter trick as Spud, Stephanie leaning fully into her anger and stomping her feet onto the stage, Jen rocking out with her sunglasses over her eyes instead of atop her head, and Jacques air guitaring while doing the splits on some speakers, Geoff tossing his hat in the air during his performance, Sadie doing a power slide into the splits, B doing what he did last time but with actual guitar motions instead, Kitty leaning all in with the absurdity of the challenge, Lorenzo simply not falling over this time, and Carrie just barely managing to squeeze through, as the audience was still hyped up from the previous performances, “Police Cadets make second, Haters in third, Fashion Bloggers take fourth, Jacques and Josee in fifth!”

“Fifth again!?” Jacques said in disbelief before they started crying.

“Geoff and Brody in sixth, BFFFLs place seventh, Brain and Brawn in eighth, Sisters take ninth, Stepbrothers score tenth, and Best Friends squeeze through in eleventh. With that, the race for not last place has come down to the final three teams. Which pair will be rocked out of this race?” Don said as the camera showed Noah getting pulled offstage by a cane.

“How did we go from first to last!?” Owen asked. Noah squinted, “Oh, right. Well, on the bright side, I think the Goths said they were quitting, so-“

Suddenly, Jay gasped in terror. Mickey, Noah, and Owen turned and gasped in terror at Ennui and Crimson’s insanely over the top (in the best way possible) outfits, “Step aside. We’re here to rock.” Ennui said. They gasped in terror again.

“Oh there you guys are! You wouldn’t believe the super cute preppy couple who said they were you!” Owen said. Who knows if it was a joke or not. The Goths did find it funny though.

A red spotlight came on and showed Ennui onstage. He looked to both sides and spits flames shot up as he did. The audience gasped as he strummed a single time, spouting out four more pillars of flame. Needless to say, they loved it.

—Interview: Ennui and Crimson—

“I’ve never felt closer to Crimson than I do right now.”

“I can’t believe we almost gave up on each other. It’s the darkness deep down inside that counts.”

“Aww, that was beautiful.”

“That went well.” Ennui said as they reached the Chill Zone.

“Yeah, great. I’ll be having nightmares about it. Whatever, twelfth place.” Don said.

“Y’know, I said you two were rocking the look at the start of the race, but this is incredible.” Jen said.

“Thank you.” Ennui replied. Crimson looked to the side and saw the Ice Dancers nearby. And what Josee was holding in her hand caught her eye.

“Woah, is that a Hawaiian lava rock?” she asked.

“What of it?” Jacques asked.

“That’s hardcore. Those things cast a shroud of darkness over all who plunder them.” Ennui explained.

“Can we have it?” Crimson asked.

“Your good luck charm has been cursing us all this time!? Well done, Josee!” Jacques yelled.

“Thanks. How do we breaks the curse!?” Josee asked.

“Just toss it. Anywhere in Hawaii.” Ennui said. The Ice Dancers looked nervous.

Cut to Mickey curled up into a ball, “Can’t go out there! I’ll knock the whole city down!” he said.

“Mickey, you can do this! I know the school play was a disaster, but despite everything that went wrong, like really, really wrong, you were the best tree out there!” Jay said.

“Yeah? Me?”

“Everyone said so! You’re a natural!”

“…let’s rock!”

“…this isn’t looking good.” Katie said as she and the rest of the alliance looked on.

“Tell me about it. If Mickey doesn’t flub this, Noah’s done for.” Tom said.

“What’s he doing over there?” Sadie asked as they noticed Mickey.

“Oh no, he’s painting he’s helmet black to appeal the crowds. This might it.” Jen said.

Kitty grabbed Emma by the arm and began dragging her backstage, “Just tell Noah you think air guitar’s cute or something and he’ll do better!” she said.

“No! Then he’ll know I like him! We’ll end up dating, falling in love, losing the race, I won’t be able to pay for law school, he’ll break up with me, and I’ll spend the rest of my life crying into a bowl of cereal!” Emma said.

“…okay then.”

“Noah will be fine. Even with the black helmet, it’s not like Mickey’s gonna finish first.”

“Move it! Time to get my air on!” Mickey said as he ran up to them and strummed, displaying a newfound confidence.

“…you have to do something!” Kitty said.

“…don’t judge me for this.” Emma said before turning to Mickey, “Mickey, hey! I’m impressed you’re doing this! Wow, so brave!”

“Thanks, Emma!” Mickey said.

“I mean, with your germ phobia, and so many people using that air guitar today, y’know all those fingers, germ covered fingers, I kinda thought you’d chicken out.”

“But… it’s… air guitar…?”

“Exactly, you’re breathing it in, too! Ew, all those germy fingers. Anyway, good luck.” she said before walking off, a somewhat guilty expression on her face after she turned away.

“Uhh….” Mickey said as he waked out onstage. He was about to do a strum, but all that confidence was gone. He looked at his fingers and began breaking into hives.

—Interview: Jay—

“Mickey’s been know to break into hives from stress. I think he’s stressed.”

“Get this thing away from me!” he yelled as he “threw” the air guitar to the side and began scratching himself.

Jay ran onstage, “I’m here, Mickey! …agh! Stage fright!” he yelled as he saw the booing crowd and fell to the ground as well.

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“Poor Mickey. I feel awful.”

“Do you though?” Kitty asked, a tad disappointed that this is how she went about things.

“Well, I couldn’t let Noah get sent home. I like him.”

“Tell him!”

“Wow, this might be our last chance!” Owen said.

“But if Emma’s watching, I can’t!” Noah replied.

“Oh, come on! What happened to the no distractions, in it to win it attitude!? Do you think Emma wants to date a quitter!?”

“Maybe…?”

“Racing with you has been the most fun I’ve had in a while. There’s nobody in the world I’d rather watch eyeballs with. But if we get eliminated, it’s over for us, and for you and Emma! And that’ll totally crush Kitty, Tom, and Jen! And without us here to back them up, who knows if Katie and Sadie will be able to tell each other how they feel like they promised! Is that really what you want?”

“I… gee, big guy, I… I dunno what to say.”

“Shh. You need to stop worrying about being some girl’s hero, and be all of our heroes!”

“…yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” Noah said before turning around and heading onstage. While nervous that all eyes were on him, Noah tuned it out and began playing the air guitar, jumping around the stage, sliding on his knees, sticking his arm in the air and pillars of fire shot up, and so on. The audience cheered. Owen tossed Noah onto his shoulder at the end… and the meter finally filled, “Alright!”

“Don’t tell anyone, but Noah just got me to like air guitar.” Emma said.

Rock ran over to her immediately after saying that, “Rock on, sister!” he said. Emma sighed.

—Interview: Owen and Noah—

“Ah, good to have you back, pal! That’s the into a challenge I’ve seen you in years!”

“I know, I can’t believe my feelings for Emma almost cost us the race. Woo. Buddy, I am off Emma for good.”

“Yeah, tha- what!? No! You don’t have to do that!”

“Nonono, if she was into me, she would’ve said something by now. Remember, we’re here to win. I’m still sleeping on Eva’s couch, and even though she and her parents aren’t trying to get me out or anything, I’ve gotta get back on my own feet. This whole crush thing has been a huge distraction. I know I’ve gotta trust people more now, trust that our alliance has our back in this race, and that honestly might’ve taken away from it. It’s time to move on.”

—Interview: Emma and Kitty—

“I didn’t realize how much I liked Noah until he almost left. I’ve been taking him for granted all this time. That’s gonna change.”

“I dunno, are you sure he’s still into you?” they both went quiet before bursting into laughter.

“Yeah, right.”

“Eee! Emma’s got a crush!”

—Interview: Tom, Jen, Katie, and Sadie—

They looked like something had just gone deeply wrong, “…why does it feel like a lot of our hard work just… fizzled away?”

Meanwhile, Jay and Mickey were backstage, breathing into paper bags when Don approached them, “Adversity Twins. You raced hard and overcame a lot of issues nobody has ever heard of, but I’m sorry. You’re out.” he said.

“We gathered that.” Jay said.

A montage of the Adversity Twins’ time on the show began, “We didn’t win, but I’m proud of us. Our doctor said we wouldn’t last a week. Our physiotherapist said a day. Our gym teacher just laughed and laughed.” Jay said.

“Yeah, but we showed them. I think we’ve come a really long way. See, I’m not even scared of that spider anymore!” Mickey said as the two looked at a spider on the ground, before running away.

“Seven teams are gone and thirteen away. Who will make it all the way? The only way to find out is to keep on watching… the Ridonculous Race!” Don said to sign off the episode.

Chapter Text

Recap:

“Last time on the Ridonculous Race, things got heated. The Goths found the source of all the Ice Dancers’ bad luck, Josee’s unlucky Hawaiian lava rock. Rock was surprised when his bud Spud surprisingly rocked. And to save Noah, Emma nudged the Adversity Twins into last place and off the show. Where will we go next? And who’s gonna hate it the most? Find out right now on the Ridonculous Race!”

-Theme Song-

Open on Don in the same place we left off last time, “Welcome back to Finland’s Chill Zone, where yesterday’s triumphant winners, the Rockers, are ready to receive their first travel tip.” Don said as the Rockers ran up.

“It’s so heavy, man! I still can’t believe it! We’re in first place!” Rock cheered.

“We’re in first? Alright, we’re killing it! Wahoo!” Spud said as they high fived.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

They were playing air guitar.

“‘Go to the airport and catch the next flight to… Zimbabwe?’” Spud read, pronouncing it as “Zim-baab-wee”.

Cut to our usual picture montage, “Located in Southwestern Africa, Zimbabwe has stunning flora, exotic fauna, and majestic scenery. Once teams land, they have to drive here to Victoria Falls, which is nearly twice the height of Niagara Falls. Hear that, North America!? Your waterfalls are getting owned!” Don yelled.

Cut to Sanders whistling down a cab as she and MacArthur high fived, “Nice work, partner! Hustle!” MacArthur said as they got onboard.

“Taxi! Taxi!” Stephanie called out.

“I can do this without your help!” Ryan said.

“Can you? Really?”

—Interview: Ryan and Stephanie—

“There isn’t much we agree on anymore.”

“I agree with that!”

“Pft, yeah right. You’re just trying to make me look dumb.”

“All teams have hit the Don Box, and are all the airport waiting for their next flight.” Don said as the camera showed everyone waiting, with the Goths back in their usual outfits.

—Interview: Crimson and Ennui—

“We wanted to keep racing with our new outfits, but it’s too hard to run in them for a race.”

“Life can be so unfair.”

“Why do you think they’re harassing the clerk?” Tom asked Jen as they watched the Ice Dancers doing just that.

“I have no idea.” Jen replied.

“Why is this so hard for you to understand!?” Josee asked the clerk.

“We need the next flight to Hawaii! And we only wanna be there for like ten minutes! And then we need to fly from Hawaii to Zimbabwe!” Jacques said.

“But- this is making no sense!” the clerk said in confusion.

“Okay fine, we making no sense. Now stuff the opinion and give us our tickets!” Josee yelled.

—Interview: Josee and Jacques—

“Jacques is mad at me.”

“I lack an apology.”

“Why should I apologize? Obviously, I didn’t know it was bad luck when I took it from the island! Ugh!”

“Eh, apology accepted.”

“Thank you.”

“Jacques and Josee are off to Hawaii as the other teams head for Africa. Once they land, they must drive these jeeps to their next destination.” Don said as the camera showed the Rockers and Best Friends leaving the airport.

“There! Go go go!” Carrie said as they hopped into their jeep.

“‘Head to Victoria Falls where the Zambezi River borders Zambia and Zimbabwe.’” Rock said as Spud drove before pulling out a map, “If we take this path, we’re golden! Gun it, dude! I wanna stay in first place!”

“We’re in first place? Alright, we’re killing it!” Spud said as he put the pedal to the metal.

“You navigate, I drive! Got it?” Carrie said. Devin made Tarzan noises, making Carrie laugh.

Cut to Lightning driving a jeep as B read the map, “Woo! Africa! Always wanted to go on a safari. We got this one in the bag, man! …what are they doing?” he asked as he and B turned their heads to see the Police Cadets continuously driving in front of the Haters to stop them from passing them.

“Why aren’t you two making out anymore, huh? Got tired of all the muh-muh-mwah!?” MacArthur taunted.

“Okay, that is getting really distracting. Just sit there and navigate.” Sanders told her.

“It’s a little something I like to call strategy.”

—Interview: MacArthur and Sanders—

“We studied human behavior at the academy, so I know how much stress a person can take before they lose it. And these two are close. Really close. One more shove and it’s welcome to crazy town!”

“Would you pass them already!?” Stephanie yelled at Ryan.

“She keeps blocking me! What do you want me to do, run them off the road!?” Ryan retorted.

“Yes!” Stephanie yelled. Ryan snarled at her, “Ugh, fine. There’s a shortcut.”

“What shortcut!? There’s no road!”

“So what!? Take off your chicken hat and drive!”

“Chickens don’t wear hats!”

“Ugh! I’m calling you a coward!”

“Well, I’m calling you a wackjob!” Ryan said before screaming as Stephanie took the wheel and drove them off the road.

“Woah.” Sanders said in shock.

“I didn’t get an A in psych for nothing.” MacArthur replied.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“You drive like a chicken-headed little girl! Bok bok bok!”

“There it is!” Rock said as he and Spud pulled up at the Don Box, only to hear honking. Rock turned to see the Haters’ jeep driving straight towards him, prompting he, Ryan, and Stephanie to scream as Ryan slammed the breaks, their jeep stopping just in front of Spud. Rock screamed again.

“Uh, hey guys! How’s it going?” Ryan asked awkwardly. Suddenly, Spud began screaming.

—Interview: Rock and Spud—

“Spud! Your reaction time is improving!”

A time lapse then began playing, showing Rock reading a book, walking around bored, and taking a sip of coffee.

“Thanks, man.”

“Is anybody else here yet!?” Stephanie asked.

“No, we got here first.” Rock replied.

“We’re in first place!?” Spud asked.

“For the last time, yes!” Rock yelled as Stephanie ran up and grabbed the tip.

“You were in first place! Stephanie said before turning her attention back to Ryan, “Told you my shortcut would-“

“Almost kill us!? Yes, yes it did!” Ryan yelled back as Rock grabbed the next tip.

“We’re going on a selfie safari!” Rock said as he read the tip.

The camera cut to Don, “For this All-In challenge, teams must take the camera from their glove compartments, then get into the raft and ride over the falls while taking an epic selfieeeEEEEE!” he yelled as he went over the falls, the camera showing multiple shots of him falling, “Miss the shot, and it’s a long climb back to try again.”

The camera cut to Brody reading the tip, “…then float downriver to Zambezi National Park, home of the elusive white rhino-“ he read out.

“-where you’ll take a picture with the rhino.” Sanders finished as the camera cut to her, MacArthur, Lightning, and B also reading their tips.

The camera cut to Don at the Chill Zone, “Once teams have their selfies, it’s a footrace here to the Carpet of Completion, where I’ll inspect their photos. The last team to arrive may be headed home.” he said.

The camera cut to the five leading teams holding their rafts and gasping in shock at the sight of the Falls, “Woah….” Geoff said.

“Wicked!” Brody added excitedly.

“Ah, yeah! This is gonna sha-rock!” Lightning cheered.

“While the thrill seekers tied for first place gear up for the plunge, the last place Ice Dancers are stuck between a lava rock and a faraway place.” Don said as the camera cut to their plans landing in Hawaii.

Cut to Justin sunbathing on the beach… only for Jacques and Josee to run right over him, not even noticing he was there, “Okay, is this where you found it!?” Jacques asked.

“I… think so. Let’s just do it!” Josee said as she prepared to throw it, only to be stopped.

“Wait! You can’t just throw a lava rock away! You need a ceremony! An, uh, offering!” Justin said as he got up.

“Ugh, fine!”

Cut to Jacques and Josee doing some kind of dance around a pillar of stones they’d built to hold up the lava rock. Justin chuckled to himself and turned to the camera crew, “They don’t have to do that. I just wanted to get back at them for trampling me.” he said.

Nearby, a volcano sputtered out smoke, making the Ice Dancers gasp, “Look! A sign! We’ve been forgiven!”

“Back to the airport! This game isn’t going to win itself!” Jacques said as they began running back. Justin smirked and began walking away, only for part of the camera crew’s equipment to get snagged on his shirt, causing him to be dragged along with them as he screamed.

Cut to the Rockers approaching the falls, “This is like when we rode the gigantic roller coaster six times in a row like, ‘Woah! Wo-oah!’ And then we were all, ‘Bleck! Blegh!’ But this time, we haven’t been chowing down, ‘Nom, nom!’ on the funnel cakes and banquet burgers, so it should be, psh, easy!” Rock said.

“Yeah! Or at least not as messy.” Spud replied.

“Falls are dead ahead! You ready, man!?” Lightning asked B. B shrugged and waved his hand to the side. They looked over to see Rock screaming as he and Spud went over the falls before the camera showed their picture, in which Rock was screaming and Spud was cheering. Lightning cheered as well as they went over the falls, their photos showing him cheering as B looked terrified.

Cut to the Surfers Dudes, Sisters, BFFFLs, and Goths passing by Stephanie with their rafts and she was trying to get theirs in the water while Ryan was eating an apple, “Get in the boat!” she yelled.

“Let me finish my apple.” Ryan said as he took another bite.

“Get. In. The boat!” Stephanie yelled as she held up her oar.

“You wouldn’t!” Ryan said but oh, yes she would, and yes, yes she did. She swung the oar at Ryan, sending him flying into the water, “You’re pure evil!”

Ryan screamed as he went over the falls alone.

—Interview: Stephanie and Ryan—

“I’m not sure if this comes through onscreen, but sometimes Ryan annoys me a little bit.”

“Nice swing, sister.” MacArthur said as she approached Stephanie, “Just one question, how are you gonna get that team selfie now?”