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Jisung sat on the studio couch, spaced out, hands fiddling with the corner of the throw pillow. He could hear the music, and feel it, that was playing in the space as Chan went over some of the instrumental tracks. Jisung knew he should be paying attention, he knew he should, but he couldn’t pull himself out of the haze. He felt so tired.
Exhaustion pulled at the front of his brain, willing him to close his eyes for a while. He couldn’t. Not with the ache in his chest that he was currently experiencing. He was familiar with the pain, which he had come to understand was one of the ways his anxiety liked to show itself. It wasn’t a crushing pressure, nor a sharp pain, but rather a dull ache, something akin to a bruise. He had played paintball once when he was a teen, where he was shot in the shoulder blade. The sharp, stinging pain from getting hit turned to a dull, aching throb the next day, similar to this. He felt stiff.
There was a hand on his knee, shaking him awake enough to look up. Chan’s tired but kind face smiling softly.
“You okay?” he asked. Jisung hesitated, unsure how to answer. Yeah, he felt fine, fine enough at least. He went day to day like this often, but part of him knew he should be honest. He wanted nothing more than to get some dinner and take a shower and hop into his nice, warm bed.
Chan patted him on the knee, making him realize he hadn’t answered. He looked up again. Chan squeezed his knee.
“You’ve had a long day, Ji, why don’t you go home?” he said. Jisung sighed.
“What about–”
Chan shook his head.
“Don’t worry about it, can’t do much when your focus isn’t there,” Chan said. Jisung nodded, knowing Chan meant no harm behind it. He knew he couldn’t really focus. In this state, he was practically useless. “Let me call Min, he’ll come pick you up.”
Jisung was about to argue, but he bit his tongue. Seeing Minho actually sounded really nice. His warm voice, his gentle touch. Maybe he’d make him dinner, even if it was some quick ramen. Maybe he’d even help him shower. Maybe he’d stay long enough to put him to bed, tuck him in with his cozy blanket and his stuffie.
Jisung hummed, eyes opening. That made a little bit more sense. He hadn’t slipped in about a week or so, he hadn’t really felt the need to, but he also didn’t have the time. Even when Minho asked him if he wanted to, he said he was okay. Maybe he should’ve made time to slip even if he didn’t feel like it.
“I think I wanna slip,” he mumbled, catching Chan’s attention. He smiled.
“You can if you want,” he offered. “Or you can wait until Min gets here too, he’s on his way.”
Jisung hummed, unmoving.
Chan got out of his chair, coming over to sit next to him on the couch, wrapping his arms around him, hand pressing his head to rest on his chest. Chan kissed him on the head and Jisung felt the tug. He reached up, hands gripping the front of his shirt.
“I got you, bub, you can go,” Chan mumbled against his hair, rubbing his back. Jisung sighed, letting the fuzziness take over, focusing on Chan’s hand on his back, on the scent of his cologne, the feeling of his shirt between his fingers.
It was only a little while later Chan’s phone buzzed on the cushion next to him, making him pick it up.
“Appa’s here, sweetheart,” Chan said, slipping the device in his pocket. “Do you want me to walk you out?”
Jisung huffed, cheeks puffing out before nodding. He pulled away, Chan standing up to help him gather his bag and belongings. Chan walked him out of the company building where a company car was waiting out front, Minho in the driver’s seat. Chan helped him into the passenger seat.
Minho leaned over, taking his hand, kissing the back of it.
“Hi, pumpkin,” he purred. Jisung whined, gripping two of Minho’s fingers, making him feel small. “Thanks, hyung,” he said, bidding Chan a good night before the passenger door closed.
He waited until Chan was back in the building before putting the car in drive, starting the short drive to the dorms. He squeezed Jisung’s hand.
“How’re you doing, bub?” he asked, glancing over at him. “You look tired.”
Jisung sighed, nodding.
“Have you eaten yet?”
Jisung shook his head.
“Ok, I’m gonna take you to my place, baby, is that okay?” Minho asked. “I have leftovers you can have, and I have some presents for you if you want them.”
Jisung blinked, bleary and tired, slightly perking up at the mention of presents. He trilled lightly, voicing his interest. Minho smiled, squeezing his hand.
“You can open them after food, bub, I promise,” he said. Jisung sighed.
“Shower?” he asked simply. Minho nodded.
“Yeah, we can shower after you open them, okay?”
Jisung trilled again, he was okay with that.
The rest of the ride was quiet besides the music that was playing on a low volume and the heater blasting on their feet.
They pulled up into the parking lot, which was surprisingly easy to find. Minho helped him out of the car, holding his bag for him, guiding him to walk towards the front doors. Jisung hugged the older as they waited for the elevator, Minho rubbed his side comfortingly, kissing the side of his head.
“Love you baby,” he said. Jisung hummed back in response, burying his cheek into the older’s chest, breathing in his familiar scent.
They made it to the dorm with relative ease. Minho undoing Jisung’s laces for him and slipping off his shoes. He stood up and gave him a quick peck on the lips before dragging him into the kitchen, placing Jisung at the table where he scrolled on his phone. He placed Jisung’s bag on the counter, going over to the fridge to grab the containers of leftover stew and beef ribs. He popped them in the microwave before going back over to his little, carding his fingers through his hair, making Jisung lean back into his touch. The younger wrapped his arm around Minho’s thighs, shoving his face into his tummy. Minho stood, playing with his hair as he waited for the microwave to go off.
When the appliance beeped, Minho put a hand on Jisung’s shoulder, gently pushing him away. Jisung whined, making Minho chuckled as he went over to the microwave to pull out the food.
He gathered some utensils and carried them over to the kitchen table, sitting down next to Jisung who was resting his chin on his forearm. Minho made sure it wasn’t too hot before feeding him. Bit by bit, spoonful by spoonful, the meal slowly diminished.
When Minho offered the little one another bite, he huffed and shook his head.
“You done?” he asked.
Jisung nodded, resting his cheek on his arm. Minho gulped down the leftover broth from the soup so it didn’t go to waste and cleaned up the containers. Once done, he grabbed Jisung’s bag and led him to his room.
“Wanna open your present’s now?” Minho asked. Jisung yawned and nodded, running a hand over his face. Minho went over to his wardrobe, grabbing the couple different boxes. He set them on the foot of the bed and pulled his desk chair over so he could sit.
Jisung grabbed the small box with a bow. The lid with the bow came off, revealing white tissue paper. He unfolded the tissue paper, eyes widening.
Sitting in the box was a baby pink pacifier with a cat face on the tab. On the handle in little beads read “kitten.” It was simple but perfect. Jisung’s cheeks flushed.
“T’ank you,” he mumbled, shy, looking down at his crossed lap. Minho hummed, scooting closer in his chair to rub the younger’s back.
“Why don’t you open this one next?” Minho said, placing a bag with tissue paper coming out of the top in front of him. Jisung nodded, pulling at the paper, looking inside. He smiled as he reached in, feeling soft fur.
He pulled out a light brown and white spotted bunny with long floppy ears that looked somewhat realistic. Jisung hugged it to his chest.
“You like it, bug?” he asked. Jisung nodded, rubbing his cheek against the soft fur. It didn’t smell like his appa yet, but he knew that would have to change.
Jisung grabbed a box next. It wasn’t wrapped but he didn’t mind. He pulled off the lid, seeing that it was a clothing box. It was a bluish-gray and waffle knit. He couldn’t really tell what it was until he picked it up and it unfolded. It was all one piece, long sleeves down to shorts. He blushed seeing that it was practically a onesie, even though it was more like an adult loungewear romper. It seemed to be oversized for a more comfortable fit.
“You don’t have to wear it, pumpkin,” Minho said, leaning in to kiss him on the arm. “I just wanted to give you the option if you wanted it.”
“Thank you, Appa,” Jisung mumbled quietly, looking at him shyly. He rubbed the fabric, it felt lightweight and breathable.
“Does it feel okay?” Minho asked, knowing Jisung disliked some textures and fabrics. Jisung nodded.
“Soft,” he said, running his fingers over the two buttons down the front.
“C’mon, pup, let’s go shower,” Minho said, kissing his cheek as he stood up to collect two towels from the back of his door. Jisung nodded and nicely put his new pajamas back in the box, setting it off to the side before getting up.
The shower was a quick one, since Jisung wanted to get into bed. Quickly shampooing and conditioning hair before washing his face and his body. Minho half-assed his own shower since he already took one earlier that day after he went to the gym.
Once squeaky clean and rinsed off, Minho toweled him off and they got out. Minho applied his toner and moisturizer to his little’s adorable, sleepy face before brushing his teeth. When they were done, Minho dragged him back to his room.
He sat Jisung on the bed, who closed his eyes, sleepy. Minho changed into a pair of boxers before using his towel to dry Jisung’s hair off. When Jisung started whining that he was good, Minho stopped, brushing his hair out before helping Jisung into a pair of underwear.
“Whatcha want, bub, hoodie? Sweats?” Minho asked, giving Jisung a choice over his pajama choice. Jisung looked back towards the bed, the cozy steel-blue romper on the forefront of his mind. He pointed at it.
Minho smiled and kissed his cheek before grabbing it. He helped Jisung into it, pulling his arms through the sleeves. It was about two sizes too big, making it baggy, the sleeves giving him sweater paws and the shorts coming down about to his mid thigh.
“Comfy?” Minho asked. Jisung flopped the sleeves before nodding, feeling drowned in fabric and itty bitty in the pajamas. He absolutely loved it.
“Appa?” he asked, picking up the small box with the pacifier. “Use? Please?”
Minho hummed.
“Of course, pumpkin,” he said, pulling it out of the case it came in. “Do you need to go potty before getting into bed?”
Jisung shook his head, lifting the covers to crawl under Minho’s duvet, lying closer to the wall. Minho leaned down, brushing his hair back before kissing him on the forehead.
“Here, bub,” he said, putting the pacifier to his lips. “Appa’s gonna go potty real quick then we can go to sleep ok?”
Jisung hummed, eyes already half-way closed. Minho paused as he was about to turn away, seeing the stuffed bunny he bought on the nightstand. He grabbed it and pulled the tag off the ear, tucking it into Jisung’s arms, head tucked under his chin. Jisung hummed, hugging it closer, rubbing his cheek against the soft fur.
Minho left, doing his business quickly before coming back to a basically already sleeping Jisung. He plugged their phones in and set them on the nightstand before turning off the light. He lifted the covers to slide in next to him, pulling him closer. Jisung whined, making Minho coo and shush him before settling down.
“Good night, my little one,” Minho whispered against his hair, kissing him there. “I love you.”
Jisung sighed and Minho felt his body relax against him, completely giving in. He rubbed his back until his breathing evened out. He reached behind him to grab his phone, double checking his messages, replying to Chan who was checking in to see if everything was okay.
He turned off his phone and settled in, closing his eyes.
Jisung woke up warm and so, so comfortable. He could feel Minho moving around slightly, a hand playing with his hair. He kept his eyes closed, feeling sleep pull him back under into the dream world.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but Jisung woke up alone.
And he woke up little.
Really, really little.
He still had the bunny in his arms and his pacifier was still between his lips. But his appa wasn’t there.
He immediately felt a lump form in his throat, tears filling his eyes as he looked around the room. Minho’s phone was still there, so he must be here somewhere, but he couldn’t see him, so where was he?
Jisung whimpered, tears falling from tired eyes.
The door opened and Minho walked in with a mug. His eyes widened seeing Jisung was awake and crying.
“Oh, pumpkin,” he cooed, setting the mug on the nightstand before leaning down, kissing him on the face. “Shh, baby, I’m here. I’m so sorry I left,” he said, kissing him again. His breath smelled minty like toothpaste. “I really had to pee, baby. ‘M sorry.” Jisung reached up, wrapping his arms around his neck, pulling him down. Minho chuckled and sat on the bed, letting Jisung loosen his grip before lying down on his side, facing his little. Jisung couldn’t help the sob that escaped him, tucking his head into Minho’s neck. “Oh angel,” Minho purred, holding him tight. “I’m here, baby. Daddy’s here.”
Jisung couldn’t stop the flow of tears. He didn’t know why. He felt too little. He felt scared. He couldn’t talk. Every time he tried, his words just came out babbled. Minho kissed him and comforted him, caressing and rubbing his back as he pressed kisses to his red, blotchy face.
He felt dumb. He felt stupid. He felt embarrassed. He had no idea what was happening, except that he couldn’t control it.
He cried harder, hating himself for it. He hated putting this burden on Minho.
Why couldn’t he just be normal? Or at least be a happy little? He wanted to be the little that colors pictures and watches cartoons and giggles and laughs.
But no; instead, he was a sad, anxious spiral of tears and runny noses that was clingy and dependent. He had never felt his age, and he was truly acting like it. He was a black hole that sucked up sunshine.
He felt Minho move him. He didn’t care, he didn’t have the energy to. He couldn’t breathe, letting the pacifier fall from his mouth. He felt hot, he thought he was sweating. He felt Minho’s hands on him, something was pulling at his arms and suddenly he felt cooler. He leaned forward, chest pressed against something warm, it was moving. He whimpered, one that turned into a pathetic cry. Minho’s hands pressed against his back. He thinks he was sitting in his lap, legs on either side of his thighs, their chests pressed together. Their bare chests together. Oh, Minho was the warm, moving thing.
Minho was talking to him, he could feel the rumble in his chest, the vibrations as he spoke. He couldn’t hear him, not with the blood roaring in his ears.
He whined, crying and coughing so he didn’t choke on his spit.
He wanted to scream. He had too much air in his lungs and he didn’t have enough.
There was a hand lightly thumping his back, he breathed out.
He sobbed again. He thinks he scratched Minho on accident, he just wanted to get closer.
God this was pathetic. Could he just stop crying already?
Minho was panicking. He wasn’t gonna lie. It hurt to listen and watch his boyfriend and little cry so hard and with so much pain. An ache settled under his skin, he just wanted to make it better, but he didn’t know how.
Jisung was so far in his head, he was sure he couldn’t hear him. He was sure he was really little too, smaller than he’d ever dropped before. He wrapped his arms around him, squeezing him tightly. Maybe some pressure will help.
Three minutes later Jisung was still crying and Minho was a wreck. A lump formed in his own throat, distressed by how much his baby was crying and he couldn’t do anything. He slid a hand into his pocket, grabbing his phone. With shaking fingers he dialed Chan’s number.
Thankfully, the older picked up. He didn’t even wait for a greeting before he rushed to speak.
“Hyung, I need your help, Jisung woke up really small, I think he’s in baby space, he’s never been this small before. I don’t know what to do. He keeps crying, I think he’s having a panic attack. He can’t breathe well–”
“Min, Min, slow down, just stop, I’m on my way,” he said, the concern in his voice floating through at the sheer panic in Minho’s voice. “Have you tried laying on him? Deep pressure? Or water? Cold water might help.”
“Ok. Ok. I’m going for the shower,” Minho said, dropping his phone on the bed as he readied Jisung in his arms to stand up.
“I’m hanging up, I’ll be there soon,” Chan said. Minho just grunted as he shifted to sit on the edge of the bed, gathering Jisung up to carry him. He stood up, opening his door and making his way down the hall to the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse the dorm was empty.
He quickly made his way into the bathroom, not bothering to stop and undress. He turned on the shower so it was cold, but not extremely so. He stepped in and sat down with Jisung in his lap, letting the stream of water caress the younger’s back. Jisung sobbed and coughed, displaying his discomfort, but Minho tightened his arms around him, whispering to him.
“You’re okay, pumpkin, Daddy’s got you. You’re gonna be okay. You’re doing so good, bubba.”
Minho felt like he was on the brink of crying himself when he heard the distant noise of the front door opening. He sighed in relief.
Chan appeared in the hallway, making his way towards the bathroom.
“How’s he doing?” Chan asked, concern and alarm etched into his expression. Minho shook his head.
“It’s been almost twenty minutes, hyung,” he said. Chan nodded and crouched down to be at their level.
“Take a deep breath, Min,” Chan told him, reaching out to squeeze his ankle. “We gotta be strong, I know it’s hard, but we gotta, okay?”
Minho nodded, taking a shaky breath, resting the back of his head against the wall.
“Good, alright,” Chan started, starting to think of a course of action. “Have you tried giving him his meds?”
Minho’s face twisted into guilt.
“No, oh my god I completely forgot–”
“It’s alright, it’s not your fault,” Chan cut him off, knowing exactly where his thoughts were going. “Did he bring his bag?”
“My room, on the desk,” Minho answered, leaning his cheek on a still-crying Jisung. Chan nodded and set out for them.
Minho continued to rock and comfort Jisung, who did, but very slowly, seem to be coming down.
Chan came back a minute later with a pill bottle and a glass in hand. He handed the glass to Minho who used the stream of water from the shower head to fill it up. Chan double checked the prescription and dumped out a pill into his hand.
He stepped into the shower and crouched down, grabbing the cup of water from Minho. Minho pulled away enough for Chan to try to guide Jisung’s chin to turn his face up.
Jisung had a hard time trying to understand what they wanted, but when Chan opened his mouth, Jisung did the same, copying him. Chan placed the pill on his tongue and guided the cup to his lips. Jisung gulped the water down, dehydrated and tired from crying.
Chan stepped out of the shower to not get more wet than he already was, sitting down on the bathmat.
It was sometimes later that Jisung’s strangled sobs and heartbreaking cries turned into hiccups and little gasps. Minho thought they were horrifically adorable, since he never wanted to hear Jisung cry that hard again.
“Such a good boy, baby, always such a sweet angel for me, huh, pumpkin?” Minho purred, looking down at the boy who had his cheek pressed to his chest. Minho spotted his finger tracing his bottom lip, a comfort tick. “Oh, Channie, can you go get his pacifier? It’s on my bed somewhere.”
Chan sighed and nodded, getting up. He returned a minute later with it in hand, stopping to clean it off in the sink since it actually ended up falling on the floor. He handed it to Minho who stroked the little’s cheek, making him look up.
“Here, pumpkin,” he said, putting it to his lips. Jisung happily obliged before falling back into Minho’s chest. “Hyung, can you turn the water a little warmer? We’re gonna shower since someone got a little hot when they got worked up,” he said. Chan nodded and reached for the handle, turning it to luke warm. “That’s good, thanks.”
“I’ll grab you some towels,” Chan said, disappearing once more.
Minho maneuvered Jisung off his lap to sit on the floor, staying close as he wriggled and wrestled his wet pajamas off of his legs. He squeezed the water out before setting it outside of the shower. Chan came back and put the towels in a heap outside on the bathmat.
“Gimme your underwear, I’ll throw these in the dryer,” Chan said, grabbing Jisung’s pajamas. Minho nodded and stripped out of his boxers, ringing out the water before handing them over. Any shame about being naked around each other had been left behind in predebut. Sure, they still had their boundaries, but at this moment, it wasn’t even given a second thought.
It was a bit strange, showering sitting down, but Minho was able to scrub him down and wash any sweat, tears and snot away down the drain. He kissed his face, his cheeks, his forehead, his jaw, the top of his head, anywhere he could reach, whispering and telling him how good and precious he was. Chan came and sat down outside of the shower for some extra support, mindlessly humming a song he was working on. Minho appreciated him so much, staying and making sure they were okay, his presence alone made Minho’s shoulders drop from his ears. They could rely on each other
When clean and rinsed off, Minho turned off the water and Chan handed him a towel to dry the little off.
Chan picked Jisung up bridal style and carried him to Minho’s room as the caregiver dried himself off, walking alongside. Chan placed the still-hiccuping boy on the bed.
“Alright,” he said, walking over to Minho’s closet. “What do we want to wear?”
“Underwear and grab the gray shirt from the first drawer for him,” Minho instructed, towel drying his hair. Chan nodded and grabbed a pair of boxers for the both of them, looking through the first drawer for the shirt. When he found it, he closed the drawer and handed Minho his boxers, which he quickly slipped on. The both of them help Jisung get dressed, who seemed to be sitting in silence with his thoughts. Once Jisung was dressed in underwear and the extra oversized t-shirt, Minho decided to take him out into the living room so they didn’t feel so cooped up staying in his small room.
He sat on the couch with Jisung back in his lap, chests pressed together as Minho lazily rubbed his back. He turned on the tv for some background noise as Chan announced he’d make them lunch.
Jisung seemed to be awake, or so Minho thought, until he looked down and he saw Jisung’s eyes closed, listening to the small suckling sounds of his pacifier. He stroked his cheekbone with his finger gently, seeing how he would react. When he didn’t react he decided he must be asleep.
Chan came over with a sandwich for him, which he took and ate with one hand. Chan sat next to him, eating his own lunch.
“His sandwich is in the fridge,” Chan said, taking a sip of water he got himself. “I already cut it up and cut off the crust.”
“Thanks, hyung,” Minho said. “Seriously, thank you. I was seriously about to lose it before you got here.”
Chan hummed, reaching over to ruffle the dancer’s hair.
“It’s hard,” Chan started, “seeing you guys in pain and not being able to do anything about it. It really sucks.”
Minho hummed, carding his fingers through Jisung’s hair.
“When do you need to go back?” Minho asked, knowing Chan likely abandoned his studio in the middle of something to help. The leader sighed and shrugged.
“Whenever you want me to,” he said. Minho nearly rolled his eyes.
“Hyung, I appreciate your help, I really, really do, but I know you’re busy and have things to do. It’s okay if you need to go.”
Chan sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“Fine, but I’m gonna wrap up early and come back to check up on you guys,” he decided. Minho nodded, knowing he wouldn’t be able to deter him from his plan. “Changbin should be home from the gym by now, so I’ll send him over.”
“Hyung, I can handle it now that he’s calmed down,” Minho defended, not wanting to interrupt anyone else from enjoying their day off.
“I know you can, but you’ve been neglecting yourself too,” Chan pointed out, reaching out to run his knuckle along the younger’s jawline. He did need to shave. “He’s just gonna be here if you need help, okay? Just in case.”
Minho sighed, nodding and slumping back in defeat.
“Fine.”
“Plus, if he’s in baby space, which I think you’re right about, it’s the first time and we’re not sure what’s gonna happen. He could have another fit, which I hope to god he doesn’t, but it could happen.” Minho nodded. Chan was right. “Plus, if you need anything for him you’d have to get up, and he’s literally on top of you. Binnie can heat up some chocolate milk for him, bring him food, and you can just sit here and comfort him.” Minho nodded. “You’re not alone, Min. You don’t have to do it all alone. You have all of us, so let us help you.”
“I will, hyung,” he promised.
Chan nodded, satisfied with that answer.