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When one of the interns (he hadn’t bothered learning all their names, especially when the off-chance of any of them dying or getting seriously injured was a constant thought) brings up the idea of romance drama in the cast of kids they’d chosen for the newest season, Chris McLean is pretty skeptical of said intern’s perception of romance. As far as he’s aware, the only semblances of so-called romance he’s seen are whatever the hell that zombie-kid, Shawn, and the uber-tall outback girl, Jasmine, have going on. Oh, and the germaphobe and the athlete from Maskwak—Dave and Sky. (And maybe those two wannabe evil geniuses who’re attached to the hip; at this rate, they seem to be making more progress in the romance department than the rest of the losers.)
In other words, it’s a fucking mess, that’s what this alleged romance shit is this season—if he can even call it romance.
So when that intern with her frizzy ponytail and wide smile showcasing all her braces for everyone to see, pushed the recordings of the most recent episode of the season into his hands and double-backed to quickly whisper that there’s some “juicy stuff on it”, Chris was left wondering if maybe he should hire new, smarter interns. Maybe the constant running away from dangerous creatures on the island was doing it for this particular one and her mental stability.
“Yo, Chef!” he calls, stepping into the recording studio. (Nicely furnished, air-conditioned, and with fluffy pillows; he sure as hell isn’t going to be sleeping in trees or caves—all that was meant to be for the aesthetic of the season, not for the host!) “Have you taken a peek at the newest recordings?”
His partner—in more ways than one—only grunts, too focused on the video game he’s playing on his phone.
Chris clears his throat. “Chef!”
“What, man?” Chef throws down his phone, the sad ping ping ping noise indicating what doesn’t need to be explained. “Stop distracting me, man, I need to beat this fucking level.”
“You cannot be implying that that measly game is more important to you than me and these recordings.”
Chef gives him a flat look. “What if I am?”
“I might just burn your phone in the next campfire then.” Chris plops down on the spinning chair next to Chef, tossing the recording tapes onto the table in front of the assortment of computers. “The merge is coming up, man, we need to get our head in the game. This season has, like, the least amount of drama I’ve ever seen, Chef, my heart is breaking!”
Chef snorts and rolls his eyes at the word ‘heart’ which, rude —yeah sure, Chef may have a point, Chris can be a heartless bastard nine times out of ten, but he doesn’t have to rub it in like that! If Chris doesn’t have a heart, how have they stayed married (in a loving relationship, if he says so himself) for half a decade?
When he brings it up, Chef replies with: “Because I have enough balls to deal with your shit.”
Okay, valid.
“One of the interns said something about these tapes containing classified information, if you know what I mean,” Chris says, wriggling his eyebrows.
Chef only gives him his classic flat stare. “Coming from you, that could mean so many things—some of which I really don’t want to know.”
“Ugh! Dude, I’m talking about the drama stuff.” Chris throws his hands up. “Get your head on straight, man, we need more drama for the views, or else this season will be a flop! Have you watched the recording for the newest episode yet?”
Chef shakes his head. “Was waiting for you to join me.”
“Aw, you’re such a romantic.” Leaning back in his chair, Chris waves a hand. “Come on, let’s play them, and see if there’s anything worthwhile before airing it.”
Chef rolls his eyes, but it's bellied by the semi-amused look as he leans forward to stick the recording into the computer. The screen lights up, showcasing the point of view of the many cameras situated around the island.
“Boring, boring, boring,” Chris lists, flicking through each one. “If that intern was wrong, I’m firing her from the cannon.”
“Check the confessionals,” Chef says.
“Shit, yeah, you’re right. Lots of good shit are usually in the confessionals.”
Chris forwards through the different cameras until he gets to the one that shows the outhouse confessional. He dearly hopes no one tries to pee in it like in the first season—that was weird and very traumatizing to have seen with his innocent eyes. He’d given a huge PSA in the auditions of all the future seasons (bolded, italicized, underlined, the whole shebang) about it, but you can never be too sure. People nowadays are always such loonies.
Thankfully, no one here seems to be too brain-dead. But that doesn’t mean the confessionals are any more interesting; it was the same old same old, contestants complaining about the challenges, complaining about the other team, complaining about their own team, complaining about Chris, complaining about such predictable things— ugh!
“I can’t use any of these for an ulterior motive,” he bemoans to Chef after going through the first episode. “This is insane, even last season had way more spice and drama right from the get-go. Why is everyone here literal sticks of wood?”
Chef shrugs. “Maybe they know what to expect now. Total Drama is pretty popular, they’ve gotta have watched it. They know what you’re like.”
God-fucking-dammit, Chris forgot about that. So that means the contestants won’t let loose their lips so easily, if ever. This is agonizing!
“Great. Well, this is fan-fucking-tastic! And why aren’t you as concerned as you normally would be?” he scowls at Chef who’d gone back to fiddling on his phone.
Chef grunts noncommittally.
“Do you even want the drama anymore? Am I just a one-man show this time around? Where is your enthusiasm for danger and pain?”
Other than a single twitch of his fingers, Chef gives no indication that he had heard.
“Unbelievable,” Chris mutters, turning back to the screens. “I can’t believe you’re still giving the silent treatment about something that happened days ago! I said I was sorry!”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Okay, well, no I didn’t. But it’s the thought that counts!”
“What thought?”
“Okay, so there wasn’t exactly a thought, but—argh!” Chris runs a hand haphazardly through his hair, aiming his best glare at Chef who doesn’t even like phased (damn him!). “What’s your deal, man? Seriously! Is it because I didn’t give you a parachute on the first day?” When Chef doesn’t respond, Chris presses on. “Or when I laughed when Sky smacked that tennis ball right back at you? Or when I didn’t tell you that the intern accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your cup of tea—which is so insane by the way, like, why do you even drink tea? That should be a criminal offense—”
Chef looks up just to glare at him.
“Okay, fine, fine, yeesh, come and talk to me when whatever’s crawled up your ass and died gets fucking removed, see if I care.”
Shrugging, Chef returns back to whatever the hell is on his phone that is apparently so much more important and worth his time and attention than Chris McLean, his own husband.
Really, the nerve! Ugh, this is when watching hilarious drama and suffering would soothe Chris’s fragile nerves. If only there is drama!
Muttering curses under his breath (though still pointedly loud enough so that Chef can hear), Chris forwards to the next episode—the second one. Bored out of his mind already, he fast-forwards past the dumb shit the contestants pull, nothing really sticking out, his patience fraying with every minute of drama-less incident until he reaches a tipping point when the computer lags in the middle of a confessional.
“Goddammit all!” he shouts.
Chef barely looks up, too used to this kind of stuff.
“Stupid computers, stupid lagging wifi, stupid lagging signal, stupid producers for not letting me bring my high-tech portable wifi tower with me to this damn island, stupid contestants for not supplying me with enough drama, stupid confessionals, stupid—”
“I mean, Jasmine’s great and all. Okay, back up. She’s super awesome, she’s got the survival skills for the zombie apocalypse down-pat—”
“Oh shut up, you,” Chris snaps at the confessional footage showing Shawn in his toque and sheepish expression. “If I hear one more peep out of you about Jasmine with no show for it—”
"—But I honestly still don’t know if she’s it for me, y’know? Like, ugh, I dont know how to explain, it’s so dumb, I shouldn’t even be worried about romance in the first place, this isn’t like me.”
Puzzled, Chris lowers the arm that’s outstretched and pointed at the screen, all accusatory. He can swear on all that he cares about (not a lot) that Shawn likes that Jasmine girl…right?
“No one has time for love in the apocalypse, man! But…I don’t know, I like Jasmine, but I’m starting to think maybe not in that way.” In the recording, Shawn shakes his head vigorously as though dispelling troubling thoughts. He leaves the outhouse without another word or a backward glance.
Huh. Well, that’s…something.
“So now instead of three mismatched budding romances, there’s just two. Brilliant,” he mutters. However, he clicks onto the next episode. Might as well see where this shitshow leads to.
Like the last two episodes, he zooms through the footage, though this time paying a little bit more attention to the ones with Shawn in it. A gut instinct tells him it will be important—and Chris relies on that shit, it’s his chaos radar.
The first appearance of Shawn in a confessional is in the morning; Chris can see pieces of a sunrise filtering through the cracks of the outhouse. Shawn, himself, taps the knee of his jeans. “Dave and I went berry-picking today, I was surprised he actually agreed to come with me, I was totally expecting to drag him out kicking and screaming. And hey, it was pretty fun, he’s a cool guy when he isn’t complaining.” Shawn kicks at the side of the outhouse. “Jasmine and one of the twins—I think it was Samey—joined us, which was good too, I guess. I dont know I wasn’t too thrilled about that, for some reason. Normally I’d grab at the chance to spend more time with a fellow survival expert, but Dave and I were having some quality bonding time! That kind of stuff is hard to come by in general with me—not that I care. Actually, why am I talking so much about this?” He stares directly at the camera as though challenging it to counter him. “Dave and I went berry-picking, it was cool. There.”
Interesting, interesting, Chris thought.
The next one seems to be after the challenge: “Jasmine was awesome in today’s challenge, as a friend way, of course. I can say someone’s awesome without crushing on them, c’mon! Though I have a feeling Samey might be getting the boot—she doesn’t seem to be popular in her team.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Alright I got to go, I roped Dave into picking berries with me again—we need the nourishment to keep us on our toes! Which is something he agrees with too, so that’s pretty awesome.”
Episode four has a lot more confessionals involving Shawn, much to Chris’s delight (this is fun). He recalls the challenge too, with more delight. Truth or Scare—but he recalls one specific part from that challenge that he’ll bet all his money is the main reason for the influx of confessionals this time from Shawn.
The first one, from that morning; Shawn with one knee pulled up and an elbow resting atop it: “Dave and I went berry-picking again. It’s great we’re spending so much time together, it really feels like we’re bonding in a friend-y way. Ran into Jasmine and Amy this time, but I didn’t even stutter when I talked to her!” He puffs out his chest, pride evident in his tone. “Maybe I’m actually moving on from this silly crush! Woohoo, take that societal norms of love and affection!”
The next one is a stark contrast; Shawn with his knees drawn to his chest, eyes blown wide, mouth agape. “Did we just…we almost…” He grabbed the ends of his toque. “I almost kissed Dave! That’s crazy, that’s wild, that’s…holy crap that’s…”
The camera cuts off.
The third confessional of the day; Shawn sitting spread-legged, his usual sitting position, though his brows are furrowed. “Why am I thinking about this so much? It would have been for a Scare, and plus it didn’t even happen. But imagine what would have happened if it did! I’d have…” he pauses again, his complexion reddening then paling. “Holy hell do I wish it happened?”
He kicks his feet, flailing around in his panic, and accidentally jostles the confessional camera. The scene cuts off.
The next confessional appears to have taken place right after. Shawn’s face is up close, the sheepish quirk of his mouth inches from the camera (Chris scoots away in surprise) before he pulls back to a respectable distance, rubbing the back of his head, jostling his toque a bit in the process.
“Uh, sorry ‘bout that, Chris. I don’t think your camera is broken though.” He takes in a breath. “I don’t know, I really don’t know what’s happening. This has nothing to do with zombies or apocalypses, and I’m—” he buries his face in his hands. When he speaks, his voice is muffled, Chris has to lean in to hear him clearly. “He doesn’t even like me, he has eyes for Sky, only. And I don’t like him, of course, I don’t, he’s just my buddy… ”
But when he finally looks up, his face is twisted up in indecision.
Before he leaves, he whispers something that Chris probably wouldn’t have caught if he hadn’t been hyper-focused.
“Kinda glad they didn’t kiss.”
“Oh you sly puppy,” Chris murmurs gleefully, barely aware of Chef or his surroundings anymore. He can’t believe that intern was actually right! As he replays more confessionals from Shawn, the gears in his diabolical brain begin to turn.
Fifth episode:
“A zombie! I saw an actual zombie on the island, time to put those survival skills and all-nighters playing Zombie Fighter nonstop to good use. Wait…should I warn my team? I mean, Sky can handle herself I think; Sugar and Ella, though…I don’t know. And Dave…” He shakes his head. “No! No worrying about whether Dav—I mean, the rest of the team will make it. It’s a solo trip in the apocalypse!”
“I’m ready, I’ve trained for this. You wanna fool the dead? You gotta smell like the dead. But…maybe I should’ve woken the rest of my team. Or Dave, he doesn’t know stuff like that. But no, if I do that, I’ll have alerted the zombie horde and we’d both be in danger. Well, mostly me but him too—self-preservation, don’t forget!”
“Thank god, everyone on the team’s uninfected. I looked them over, I didn’t see any bite marks. Gotta say pretty shitty of Dave to pit me against Jasmine like that, though…but I get it, I guess. My strategy is against the zombie hordes, his strategy is against the team’s opponents. Ugh, it’s gonna suck getting Jasmine to believe I actually didn’t mean to smack her into the water and I just thought she was a zombie—it’s a reasonable mistake to make!”
The last Shawn confessional of the episode: late at night, Chris can only catch glimpses of Shawn’s outline and his eyes that look eerily wide in the darkness.
“Maybe…and this is a huge maybe…I think I would help Dave in a zombie apocalypse when the time comes.”
Shawn looks an odd mix of petrified and defeated at the words coming out of his mouth.
Sixth episode:
"He really seems to like Sky…he set up that whole picnic for her. Amigo, you don’t know what you’re getting into…” He sighs. “And I wish I could tell you…”
“Convincing a goddamn bear to hurk up our monkey who also has our coin? Is Sky insane? And of course, Dave goes along with it like the lovesick moron he is,” Shawn huffs, his face twisted into an emotion Chris recognizes all too well: jealousy. Oh, the poor boy probably doesn’t even realize he’s feeling that way—how pure.
"See? See?!” He points at the camera. “I said it was a bad idea. But since when does Dave ever listen to me when Sky’s around? He almost fucking got squeezed to death by that bear because of her dumb idea, I was….” Shawn stops there, his face paling again. “I was actually scared for him. Holy hell…”
Seventh episode:
Shawn worrying his bottom lip. “Sky’s being awfully mushy to Dave too…maybe this is it. First time being in love and it's unrequited as fuck.” He laughs derisively. “What are the odds?”
The second confessional appears to happen a second later: “Holy shit did I just say love?! Fuck wait, no!”
Third confessional; Shawn holding a gem close to his face. “Shiny…”
(“Okay weird,” Chris comments.)
Last confessional of the episode: “Okay so Dave and Sky got split up into different teams…I want to say that’s good because maybe Dave will screw his head on and focus on the show, but I know him and I have a bad feeling about this…”
Eighth episode:
Shawn’s face set in a determined grimace. “Yeah, it’s as bad as I feared. But that’s fine! If I said I’d help him during the apocalypse, I sure as hell can help him get through a challenge. It’s what friends do! Yeah…friends…” he picks at a stray string on his jeans.
“Why does he care about her so much?!” Shawn explodes the second the next confessional starts playing. “She. Doesn’t. Care. About. You. Man! He should just forget about her. It’s fucking painful watching the guy you like fawn over a girl who doesnt even give him a shit. God, what a mess, I just wish he’d realize. He’s so fucking delusional, it’s insane, the truth is sitting right there in front of him!” He breathes hard, chest heaving, hands clenching and unclenching. “ We barely won the challenge—he’ll get eliminated at this rate.”
The recordings end there, leaving Chris gaping at the blank screen, his mind moving a mile a minute with all this new information.
“Oh,” he whispers, rubbing his hands. “Oh yeah, I can so totally work with this.”
“Wouldya look at that,” Chris grins widely at the slumped, wet, chattering forms of the final contestants (and their helpers) while Chef rolls up the hose he’d just used to splash the mud off. “We’re all tied up! It’s the perfect time for a little break. Jasmine, Dave grab a seat—Shawn, Sky.”
With trepidation and confusion, the quartet sits on the logs and rocks in front of the television screen. Chris resists the urge to rub his hands again. Oh man , he loves this part of his job.
“I’m gonna show you guys my favorite clips from the season!” he announces. “Starting right from the auditions!”
He presses a button. The image of Sky’s audition tape pops up.
The girl in question switches her puzzled gaze from the screen to him. “My audition tape? Why would—”
Chris smirks. “Let’s get to the good part.”
He fast-forwards until he gets to that one moment that he knows will cause a blow-up. Already imagining the delicious reactions, he hits play.
“But if I do get on the show, I’ll really miss my boyfriend, Keith!”
Huh, Chris thinks giddily, watching Dave’s eyes blow wide while fighting the smirk on his own face from widening. Dave and Sky are so weird to piece together, like what even is going on between them. Like, really.
(Hm. Maybe he should air these oh-so-totally-confusing thoughts in the confessional—god knows a certain contestant has been using it like it's his secret diary or something.)
“Maybe we should replay that!” he says over Sky’s pleas for Dave to hear her out.
And he does. He plays it over…and over…and over, relishing in the way Dave’s expression blanks more and more with every repetition—as well as the insistent twitching of his eye.
Oh man, he’s so gonna snap, this is gonna be amazing!
“Dave I can explain—”
“ARGH!” Dave whirls on her, standing up in the process, looking positively comical with just tufts of his hair on his head. “That was the ‘but’?! But I have a boyfriend? A boyfriend?!”
Jasmine winces. Next to her, Shawn exhales through his teeth; Chris doesn’t miss the concerned look in his eyes.
Dave breathes heavily, his eyes wide but fixed on Sky’s pleading face without really seeing her. He really does look like he’s on the verge of cracking. Maybe Chris can push him a wee bit.
“I’m—” Dave shudders, then starts over, his voice raspy. “I can’t believe you’d just—and your boyfriend—your fucking boyfriend— and you would just tell me you’d go on a date with me while your boyfriend —”
“I wasn’t going to go behind your back, I swear,” Sky insists.
“So WHAT?!” Dave all but shouts. “I’m going to—I don’t know, but I’m just—”
“Dave—”
“Just leave me the fuck alone, Sky,” Dave hisses, then turns a baleful glare at Chris who backs away with his hands up. Jeez, the kid has a crazy set of glares.
“This is why I’m careful about my audition tapes,” Shawn tells Sky who looks a second away from kicking him.
“It’s a good thing she wasn’t or else I wouldn’t have fucking known,” Dave snarls, looking positively maniacal at this point. Wow, there has got to be some sort of irony in the only alleged normal person on the island turning out to be a total psycho deep down.
“Before you go on a rampage,” Chris says smoothly intervening before Dave really does blow up the island. “Let’s just say…things get better.” He winks at Shawn. “You say you’re careful about audition tapes? Try confessionals.”
Shawn’s face furrows. “Say what?”
In response, Chris presses another button on the remote. The screen changes to Shawn in the confessional.
"No one has time for love in the apocalypse, man! But…I don’t know, I like Jasmine, but I’m starting to think maybe not in that way.”
“Oh,” Shawn whispers, his face dropping. “Oh shit.”
“Yeah, man!” Chris responds cheerfully. “Have you not watched any of the previous seasons? No one uses the confessionals liberally anymore! You just saved my ass from a drama-less season and shitty reviews.”
Shawn’s too busy staring transfixed at the screen as though by sheer force of will, he could make it explode.
Jasmine wrinkles her nose. “So Shawn admits he doesn’t like me, I’d already connected the dots, Chris.” She crosses her arms. “Nice try.”
Shawn whips around to her. “You did?”
“Well, yeah, duh. But I’d have much preferred to hear it from you rather than a confessional from Chris.”
Shawn’s face falls even more. “Sorry.”
Jasmine’s pinched face says all that needs to be said. Yeesh, this group of four is such a mess, Chris is so here for it. Now that Jasmine's taken care of, time for the other helper...
“Oh, but it gets even better, Jasmine and company. You guys are going to love it.” Chris presses the fast-forward button.
“Dave and I went berry-picking today, I was surprised he actually agreed to come with me, I was totally expecting to drag him out kicking and screaming. And hey, it was pretty fun, he’s a cool guy when he isn’t complaining. Jasmine and one of the twins—I think it was Samey—joined us, which was good too, I guess. I dont know I wasn’t too thrilled about that, for some reason. Normally I’d grab at the chance to spend more time with a fellow survival expert, but Dave and I were having some quality bonding time! That kind of stuff is hard to come by in general with me—not that I care. Actually, why am I talking so much about this?” The Shawn in the recording stares directly at the camera as though challenging it to counter him. “Dave and I went berry-picking, it was cool. There.”
Still standing, Dave frowns at the screen, his rage temporarily cooling due to confusion. “What?”
Shawn leaps to his feet. “No, no way! Heck no! Chris turn that damn thing off right now.”
Dave looks at him. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing!” Shawn says vehemently. “Absolutely nothing.”
“Doesn’t sound like it!” Chris cackles, pressing the forward button over and over to get to the good bits.
“Did we just…we almost…I almost kissed Dave! That’s crazy, that’s wild, that’s…holy crap that’s…”
“Why am I thinking about this so much? It would have been for a Scare, and plus it didn’t even happen. But imagine what would have happened if it did! I’d have…Holy hell do I wish it happened?”
“What?” The word escapes Dave in a wheeze.
Shawn stands there, looking like he wants to curl into a ball.
Jasmine’s eyebrows have risen to her hat, her mouth falling open. Sky’s eyes ping-pong between the two boys.
And Chris is having the time of his life.
“He doesn’t even like me, he has eyes for Sky, only. And I don’t like him, of course, I don’t, he’s just my buddy… ”
“Kinda glad they didn’t kiss.”
“No! No worrying about whether Dav—I mean, the rest of the team will make it. It’s a solo trip in the apocalypse!”
“Maybe…and this is a huge maybe…I think I would help Dave in a zombie apocalypse when the time comes.”
“Please stop,” Shawn pleads.
“Oh, come on, we’re getting to the good parts,” Chris pouts exaggeratedly, the large smirk on his face at odds with his expression.
Dave has grown silent, only blinking at the screen. Without looking back, he somehow bumps into the rock he’d been sitting on and carefully sits back on it.
Chris continues forwarding.
“Amigo, you don’t know what you’re getting into…And I wish I could tell you…”
“Convincing a goddamn bear to hurk up our monkey who also has our coin? Is Sky insane? And of course, Dave goes along with it like the lovesick moron he is.”
(“Hey!” Sky whispers indignantly.)
“But since when does Dave ever listen to me when Sky’s around? He almost fucking got squeezed to death by that bear because of her dumb idea, I was….I was actually scared for him. Holy hell…”
(Dave twitches. At the movement, Shawn whips his head up from his staring contest with his knees to watch the other boy like a hawk. Dave doesn’t appear to notice.)
"First time being in love and it's unrequited as fuck.”
(The derisive laugh from the Shawn in the recording startles both Dave and Shawn.)
“Holy shit did I just say love?! Fuck wait, no!”
Chris sees Dave mouth the word love; he still hasn’t gotten a read on the guy’s emotions. Five minutes ago, he was raring to go at Sky, now he looks…blank. Unprocessing.
The final confessional ought to do it, he decides before fast-forwarding once more.
“Why does he care about her so much?!” (Dave jumps a little at the sudden loud tone—he isn’t the only one, the girls do too.) “She. Doesn’t. Like. You. Man! He should just forget about her. It’s fucking painful watching the guy you like fawn over a girl who doesnt even give him a shit. God, what a mess, I just wish he’d realize. He’s so fucking delusional, it’s insane, the truth is sitting right there in front of him!”
The whole island is silent as the four watch the Shawn in the recording at war with himself. “ We barely won the challenge—he’ll get eliminated at this rate.”
Chris pauses the screen. “Oh my, what a conundrum.”
No response.
“You know I think all that deserves a replay—”
“NO!” shouts Shawn, Jasmine, and Sky. Dave, surprisingly, is still silent—most likely computing the whiplash of information he’d received.
“Okay, okay.” Chris raises his hands in surrender, shit-eating grin never leaving his face. “Pretty lovely break we had, wasn’t it, Dave?”
Dave doesn’t answer. He sits ramrod straight on the rock, hands fisted into his jeans. Chris can practically imagine the loading sign over his head.
“Daaaave?” he calls in a sing-song voice. “Earth to David?”
At his full name, Dave jerks around. He blinks at the rest of the assembled, all slow like he’s rebooting to reality. Chris supposes he can’t blame him, it must be crazy getting all that in one sitting—not that he knows, Chef tends to be very forthcoming about his feelings.
“Listen, man,” Shawn steps forward like he’s facing a horde of zombies instead of a teenager on the edge of falling to madness. “I didn’t mean it like that—”
“You didn’t?” The words leave Dave with barely a breath.
“No, no, that’s not—actually I did, I totally definitely did mean everything I said. But I wish you didn’t have to find out this way.” Shawn chews on his lip, his eyes darting everywhere before finally settling on Dave with a familiar determined set to his jaw. “But I don’t regret saying any of that stuff. If you want me to apologize for what I feel, no can do.”
“Ah, young love,” Chris whispers loudly to Chef, who rolls his eyes in response (though Chris is more than delighted to notice it's the usual fond eyerolls and not the I’m-Mad-At-You ones he’d been subjected to for practically the entire season).
“Dave—” Sky half-rises, but Dave’s jaw tightens and his eyes scrunch. Shawn levels Sky a look out of the corner of his eyes and she understands, sitting back down with a resigned sigh.
Chris laments the rationality of his contestants. It would’ve been funny to watch Dave go apeshit on everyone. Well, actually he probably still will, given the rate this situation is spiraling.
Man, he is so good with this drama shit, if he does say so himself.
“If you want to blow up on everyone and everything, I get it,” Shawn continues. “But do it to me, okay? I get you’re mad at Sky, but…it’s my feelings that are being all confusing. I mean, duh, I’d rather you don’t go crazy on anyone, but you don’t look so hot right now, man.”
He drops to his knees in front of Dave and reaches a hand up, slowly, hesitantly, and to Chris’s immense surprise, Dave allows him to clasp his shoulder gently. He doesn’t even flinch at the dirt-caked fingernails. His face is still expressionless.
“I’m sorry,” Shawn murmurs.
Dave mumbles something back, lips barely moving.
“Speak up, Davie!” Chris shouts and receives twin glares from the girls on the logs.
“You said you aren’t sorry.”
“I’m sorry for loading all this on you, and for Chris doing this,” Shawn amends. “Must be pretty emotionally taxing.” He stands up, steps back, and spreads his arms. A silent invitation. Go nuts, it says.
And by all that’s in hell, Chris is waiting for it. He can see the tight fists Dave’s hands have formed into, the twitching of his eyes hasn’t decreased, and he looks two steps away from falling down the loony hole. Chris wants to scoff; love can apparently do so many things, but he knows it can’t stop whatever rampage is bound to occur here.
“The explosion’s gonna happen sooner or later, dude,” he tells Shawn. “Might as well get out of his line of fire and leave that for Sky.”
“No,” Shawn firms his mouth. “I care.”
“You care,” Dave repeats wonderingly. He looks like he’s going to have an aneurysm.
“Uh duh, haven’t you been listening?”
Glancing at Sky, although the words are directed at Shawn, Dave says: “You called me delusional.”
“Uh yeah.” Shawn scuffs his shoe on the dirt. “Not my best moment.”
“No.” Dave tips his head to one side. Finally, Chris catches a glimpse of something else —subtle thoughtfulness under the layers of betrayal and anger. “No, you’re right.”
Shawn’s eyes widen.
Jasmine and Sky exchange bemused looks. It’s not every day Dave admits someone is right about stuff like this.
Then, as though today isn’t already one surprise after the other, Dave slumps in his seat, his shoulders falling, his neck tipping forward, his forehead inches from his knees. If he had hair, it would’ve been easier to hide his face, but for now, everyone can see the clenched jaw and glazed eyes as clear as day.
Chris thinks—no, hopes —maybe this is when it happens. The inevitable blowup, the string snapping, the destruction, the chaos, the shred of sanity falling away.
It has to. This is a foolproof plan!
But all Dave does is stare blankly at the screen, mumbling like he can’t hear himself: “You’re right, you’re right…”
Sky tries one last time: “Dave, listen—”
“Don’t care!” he snaps with sudden vigor without looking at her.
At this point, Chris can’t take much more of whatever the hell is going on. For lack of better things to do and with severe disappointment at how things had transpired, he blows his airhorn which startles everyone.
“Unfortunately, this wasn't even worth my popcorn.” He scowls at Dave and Shawn. Jeez, what a bunch of killjoys. “So let’s get back to the challenge already!”
“Seriously?” Dave and Jasmine chorus, equally aghast and annoyed.
“Now obviously, if all goes accordingly, the helpers aren’t supposed to be very helpful anymore. With these controllers I’m giving, they can hinder you—Shawn and Sky—in any way possible from reaching the finish line.”
Jasmine cocks an eyebrow, grudgingly impressed. “Not bad.”
Dave purses his lips. “Sounds great…I guess.”
Okay, Chris thinks. Not bad reactions. Could be better, but not totally the worst. Maybe they just need some time to power up their inner crazies. That’s okay, most people need time to rev it up.
However, even as Chris hands Dave and Jasmine the remotes with the explicitly elaborated repeated explanation to go haywire on the finalists with no regrets, he notices Dave fiddling with his remote, clenching the sides of it with his hands but his fingers hover over the buttons like he so desperately wants to but something is holding him back. His eyes are fixed on the screen showing Shawn and Sky’s progress.
But for the first time, he isn’t watching Sky.
“Guess you prevented an explosion this time,” Chef says in Chris’s ear, and Chris can feel the smugness radiating from the other man.
It annoys him to hell and back. Oh, he so badly wants to give Chef the same silent treatment he’d been giving Chris, and see how he likes it!
Ugh!
Maybe he should have switched the tapes and shown Sky’s after Shawn’s. Maybe he shouldn’t have even shown that tape for Shawn's in the first place! But he’d been so damn sure…
God-fucking-dammit, he’s losing his touch! He needs a new set of campers after this season to wreak havoc on and bring his mojo back, stat!