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Chapter Text

“He’s twelve! I’m not just leaving him on his own for a week!” Remus says through the phone propped up on the table in Sirius’s garage. “What kind of parent would I be?”

“He has a point,” Sirius says looking up at the FaceTime call from under his motorcycle. “I don’t think he wants to do anything slightly resembling my mother.” 

James groans. “Pads, you’re not helping. This is an incredible opportunity for our Moony.” Sirius grunts, sliding out from under the machine to see his friends' faces. 

“It would be,” Sirius admits, pushing a curl that had escaped his bun back behind his ear. Remus makes a face, almost like a grimace, before looking away from the camera. 

“Don’t you think I don’t know that? The book tour would be great for publicity, but it’s in New York and Chicago… I’d be out of commission for a week at least and Teddy’s birthday is coming up.”

“Why don’t you let one of us babysit?” James suggests.

“Pete’s on a trip in Paris with Sybil,” Remus points out their friend's absence in their weekly FaceTime calls. “And you, sir, have a newborn baby. I cannot ask you and Lils to look after another one.” 

“What about your parents?” Sirius asks. 

“Well, you know how Mum’s been recently with her health... I would hate to put this on my dad, even though I know he would claim not to mind. I don’t want to give him more white hair. I gave him enough of them as a teenager.”

“She has been getting better to my knowledge,” Sirius says, hoping it sounds encouraging. Remus gives him a smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. 

“What about Padfoot?” James asks. Sirius’s stomach twists. “I could stop by every once in a while and make sure he hasn’t killed him - and your dad is his boss. I’m sure he’d give him some time off from the shop if he needed it to pick him up from school and stuff.” 

“No,” Remus says immediately and Sirius feels his heart drop. 

“Why not?” Sirius asks, suddenly quite upset by the possibility of not looking after the mini-Moony.

“Sirius, this is my child. You barely know how to take care of yourself.” Sirius squeaks indignantly. 

“I can take care of someone else! I basically raised Regulus - and this time I can actually cook better than frozen pizza for every meal like when I was ten.” There is silence across the phone line. “Plus, I’ve lived on my own for a while now,” Sirius quickly adds, desperate to distract from the pity he saw in James’s eyes.

“I thought you didn’t want kids,” Remus says softly, reminding him of the night where Sirius and him had stayed up until the sun peaked its way through the clouds before their last day of university. 

“Well, this isn’t permanent, right? I’ll have your parents and James’s help. I’ll be fine.” Sirius isn’t sure if he’s convincing Remus or himself. Of course he had met Teddy before. He’d even had him over at his place for dinners with Remus and his family. He’d looked after him at the shop for Lyall a few times as well. Yet he still understood his friend’s concern. He’d never slept over at Sirius’s home before - and Teddy would basically be living with him while Remus was away.

“James lives in London. We live in Wales,” Remus reminds him. 

“So? Lily and I could visit over the weekend. It’ll be fine. I’m sure she’s dying to get out of the house as badly as I am. We’re getting stir-crazy. And, we would like our son to get to know his godfather at some point.” Remus sighs and rubs his temple. 

“Sounds like I don’t have much of an option, do I?” 

“Come on, Moony. How bad could it be?” Remus gives him a withering look and Sirius grins. After a moment of stand-off between the two, Remus eventually relents, rolling his eyes and looking away.

“I’m not giving you an answer to that question.”

“Why not?”

“Because then it’ll give you ideas.” Sirius laughs and James joins in.

“I won’t let him kill your son, Moons. Don’t worry,” James promises.

“You better not, Prongs. I’m sure Lily would help me get you if you did.” James gasps, but this only makes Sirius laugh harder.

“Fine. I won’t let him take Teddy on his motorcycle.” 

It’s Remus’s turn to gasp in horror. “Sirius, don’t you fucking dare!” 

Sirius winks and Remus sighs heavily. For a moment, Sirius wonders if this is the tired parent side of Remus that Teddy normally sees. The side of him he usually didn’t get too…

“If you take my son on a motorcycle I will revoke your babysitting privileges till the end of time.” Remus seals the statement with a glare.

“Fine by me,” Sirius agrees with a little salute. Remus sighs heavily and Sirius wonders if he knows he has made a deal with the devil. 

***

A few days later, Sirius finds himself pacing around his home. He resists the urge to take pictures of his entire home and send them to Lily to see if it was child friendly. Well, Teddy was a week away from being a teenager now, so he was sure he didn’t need to worry that much, but his nerves never listened to reason.

He usually didn’t feel the need to tidy up when he and Remus visited for dinners after Sirius’s work, but this felt different somehow. Sirius was restless. It was like when his brother first came to visit after Remus moved out. He wanted to make sure everything was perfect. 

He wasn’t sure why exactly. It wasn’t like he and Teddy were strangers. Sirius was the closest family friend for miles since he moved here with Remus after university. It wasn’t like Teddy would be staying in this house forever anyways. 

The sun slowly sinks behind the clouds and Sirius pauses to watch it go. Remus always had this thing for sunsets. Ever since they were in secondary school together, he used to sit by the window of their shared dorm. When they first got partnered together as roommates at that boarding school, Remus hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone. He had kept to himself and away from the other boys. James said he must’ve been shy to Sirius and Peter, but he was determined. He couldn’t put a finger on why he was drawn to the boy then, but he had watched him. He had seen how the fading gold light had brushed over tan skin. By the time Sirius found himself slowly creeping his way over next to the boy on the sill, the sun had almost completely dipped below the horizon. For the first time since moving in, Remus didn’t move away from Sirius. 

As the stars started to appear in the sky, Sirius pointed them out. 

“That one’s actually Venus. I used to think it was a star, but stars kinda flicker in the night sky. This light stays kinda steady - like how the moon shines. That’s how you know it’s a planet.” Remus hadn’t said anything in response at first, and Sirius thought he must have ruined the moment. His once chance at friendship with his mysterious roommate and he absolutely blew it. That was until a soft voice asked, “So your name is Sirius… is it like the star?” 

Sirius remembered looking over at the boy next to him with the widest grin. Remus slowly smiled back at him in return. 

It became their thing. First watching the sunsets together and teaching each other about the stars, and then learning the phases of the moon. In university they had this thing for celestial events. Sirius remembered them running outside in university to watch a lunar eclipse overhead. He could almost feel the warmth radiating off of the boy next to him. He remembered their fingers brushing, and it took everything within him to resist the pull within his chest. That gravitational attraction had always been there. He’d never fully been able to pinpoint what it was. 

It was still lingering that night back in university. Everything had felt so much bigger then. The world had seemed so much wider to his peers, he’d listened to many a rant of James about how big it was, yet his own had felt so small. Everyone and everything he cared about were all contained in one space. The earth moved so slowly in the beginning, then all at once it was far too fast. The world slipped through his fingers in an instant and he hadn’t even realized until it was too late.

“Are you ready for this?” Remus whispered through the silence of the living room in their shared flat. In university all four of them had roomed together, just like they had in secondary school. It was a tradition James championed before their freshman year and made sure all of them stuck to till the end of their time there.

“Am I ever ready for change, Moons?” Sirius asked softly, letting the quiet of the new morning light fill the air.

“Maybe not, but you do a great job at pretending you are.” 

“It’s all I’ve ever known,” Sirius said with a small chuckle. He remembered looking over at Remus’s hand an inch away from his own. He closed his eyes and squeezed them shut, reminding himself to keep his emotions in check.

“Mhmm… my mom and dad want me to go back and live with them. I think it’s because of Mom’s health. They won’t tell me that outright, of course.”

“Need company?” Sirius asked and Remus snorted. 

“Please, don’t tell me people aren’t lining up to hire you.”

“I have an art degree, Remus,” Sirius reminded him. 

“You have a good family name.” Sirius makes a noise of protest. “In the eyes of the outside world that is.” Sirius picked at the rug underneath his fingers. “You’ve gotten plenty of awards.” 

“Awards don’t get you jobs.”

“No, but I’m sure they’ve gotten people’s attention.” 

Remus had been right about that. He knew that Sirius had been getting attention - he was the one who had grabbed their mail and dumped letters onto his desk from prospective galleries. Some had good wages too, but Sirius wasn’t sure his heart was in it. 

“Yes, but I don’t know if they’ve gotten mine.”

“Always so hard to please, huh?” Sirius shrugged.

“I don’t know… I don’t think I want to work in the galleries, I want to be shown in them. But that’s so much harder and the art world is beyond finicky. It’s elitist and art is notoriously hard to value.”

“Elitist, huh? Coming from a noble.”

“Ex-noble,” Sirius reminded him. "Got disowned when I was sixteen, remember?" 

“And ran away to the home of a renowned businessman. Ah poor you.” Sirius nudged his arm.

“Careful. You’re almost sounding a bit bitter there, Moony.” Remus rolled his eyes with a small smile cast his way. Sirius had to remind himself that breathing air was necessary to maintain life before continuing.

“I want it simple, I guess. I’ve lived in London practically my entire life. I’m dying for a change. I want something to inspire me again.” Sirius looked over at Remus and pushed down the next part of that sentence that had been begging to escape. 

Or someone…

Remus had smiled over at him, but quickly looked back up at the ceiling.

“And what do you want Mr. Lupin?” Sirius asked softly.

“A home of my own.” Remus admitted with a laugh. “Something like you, I guess. I want it simple, but inspiring. I want to adopt a kid at some point, I think. I don’t know when that’ll happen though.” Sirius had startled and looked next to him. 

“You want kids?”

“Yeah, don’t you?” Remus asked. Sirius huffed and looked back up at the ceiling.

“And subject a kid to my mother’s wrath all over again? No. No thank you.”

“How do you know you would be the same as your mother?” Remus asked. It was the same question Regulus had asked one night after they had started talking again. 

“How do you know you’ll repeat the mistakes of the past if you don’t even try in the first place?” His brother had asked. Sirius pushed the thought aside.

“I don’t, but I’m not willing to find out.” Sirius laughs sadly. “I don’t think kids are in my future, but that shouldn’t deter you. I’m sure you’ll make a great dad, Moons. You basically parent me, Wormy, and Prongs already.” Remus had laughed then, but something about it hadn’t sounded genuine. 

It still bothered Sirius. Something happened that night. The gravity shifted. He never put his finger on exactly what, but it felt like a line had been drawn in the sand. He used to feel like maybe that electricity he felt, Remus could feel too. He wondered if that invisible pull he felt was because Remus was pulling on the other side. 

After a year or two, Remus moved out of the house they shared when they first got to Wales and adopted Teddy. Sirius was officially alone again. Well, again wasn’t exactly the way he should have put it. Not after living with three other boys since he was enrolled in Hogwarts Secondary School. Then, even after running away, Sirius had been with James and his parents, or visited Remus and his. He’d experienced quiet, but not silence. 

Sirius could take quiet - to a certain extent. But the silence… well… 

He convinced himself at first that he’d get used to it. He had been waiting six years to believe it. Some days it felt like the house was clouded in the moments of time they shared before Remus had left. Memories that held a hope that slipped through Sirius’s fingers along with the man walking out the door. Scattered around there were pictures of a life he almost had. Reminders of what he let go far too easily.

His house, now, had room for more memories. It had to make room like it did before. The silence filled it was deafening and a part of himself longed for the time where it would be filled with something other than the pounding of his own heart. 

The light outside his kitchen faded completely by the time Sirius was able to pull himself from his mind. It was easier to keep himself out of his head when there were other voices besides his own to fill the space. Remus used to be good at shaking him out of it. His hand would gently squeeze his shoulder and suddenly there was that gravity pulling him back down to earth. 

He closes his eyes and swears can almost feel Remus’s hand brush across his back in the dim light. He can almost see his face smiling at him through the haze of the sunset - the wind flowing through his hair as he laughed, head upturned towards the sky, with Sirius pressing on the gas and…

 He jerks his eyes open and steadies himself against the countertop before quickly flicking off the kitchen light and hurrying out of the room.

Chapter Text

By the time that Sirius had to pick Teddy up from the school, he was wondering if it was Remus or himself who had really made the deal with the devil. 

Remus was right on that facetime call, he didn’t want kids. He had seen firsthand how easy it was to screw it all up. Although he would never admit it, he knew how badly his family messed him up. He remembered shoving his brother in closets in order to protect him. He could almost still hear the screams that had escaped his mouth until it was his voice was hoarse. He remembered the pleading, the tears… the running until you couldn’t breathe…

He shivers, trying to pull himself out of the fog. He remembered too much, yet nothing at all. His brain tried to erase the memories of that time, and all that remained were scars. He swallows at the thought of them littered around his body and squeezes his eyes shut. Before he can go down that road further and break the trust of his best friend in the world by turning his car around, he finds himself calling the only person that would understand. 

“Big brother. What do I owe the pleasure during my only break of the day?” The sarcastic remark brings a small smile to his face.

“You have a lunch break,” Sirius reminds him.

“As if I could ever truly use it in this building. When I own my own practice, I’m going to put a padlock on my door.” 

Sirius snickers. It was inevitable their separate paths. Sirius knew his life had been about processing his own grief and trauma through his art and rebelling against the elitism of his parents with his job in Lyall’s shop. Regulus, on the other hand, wanted to make a difference more covertly. 

Going to law school Sirius had once seen as his brother’s need to forever be their parents' golden child. He realized how wrong he was when Regulus picked family law and set to obliviating all contact they would have with either of them. 

“Payback for what they did to us. I’m only giving them a taste of their own medicine,” Regulus ranted on that fateful phone call. 

He was pacing around his kitchen and looking at Remus over the kitchen table, holding the phone up to his ear with what he was sure was clear fear in his eyes. He remembered Remus looking up from his food before stilling. He walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder without a word and squeezed.

It was a scandal, he was sure, to the other nobles he had brushed elbows with at those parties his parents always insisted on throwing. The downfall of the Noble House of Black, brought about by two sons of opposing characters. He was sure they were surprised that it wasn’t the openly-gay disowned disgrace, but rather the golden child who had been the house’s final undoing. 

It made a good gossip column, of that much he was certain, but Sirius had never been more glad he had left the London lights for Wales. Having all of his trauma rehashed in an unfortunately very public trial wasn’t exactly what he would’ve chosen. Well, at least nowadays. When he was younger he was positive he would’ve just set the house on fire and ran. Regulus had been the only thing stopping him from setting the entire house ablaze.

“OH COME ON!” Regulus shouts, the sound of a horn causing Sirius to break out of his thoughts. “ARE BLINKERS OPTIONAL YOU PIECE OF SHIT?!” 

Sirius smiles and shakes his head as he flicks his own on. Even after all they had been through and the shit they had seen, Regulus was still and would always be his foul-mouthed little brother. 

“English drivers still haven’t learned what a blinker is, have they?” he asked with a smile.

“No chance. Doubt you have, dear brother of mine.” 

Sirius makes a noise in offense, but before he can retort his brother is moving on to another topic. Always one step ahead of him, wasn’t he? 

“Why aren’t you on the bike? Not fixed yet? I can’t hear the wind that makes me go deaf every time.” 

Sirius bites back a smirk. “Well, I still have a bit of tinkering to do, but no it’s not that actually.” 

“Oh?”

“I… I’m babysitting this week.” 

Regulus cackles. “Oh, I see. Who’s ‘sleeping over?’” Regulus asks, insinuating something else entirely. 

“No, Reg. Not this time. I’m babysitting Teddy Lupin for Remus.” 

Regulus snorts loudly. “Okay, I know you are head over arse for that man, but Christ, have you lost all sense of reason? You hate kids.” 

“I don’t hate kids,” Sirius corrects him, brushing aside the way his heart skittered at his brother’s earlier words. "I just don’t think I’d be a good influence on them. That’s something entirely different.”

“Either way, it means the same thing,” Regulus insists. "Doesn’t matter why, you don’t want kids and you voluntarily invited one into your house for…?”

“About a week. Moons is hoping to be back by Teddy’s birthday.”

“Oh so he’s staying with you?” Regulus says. The sarcastic tone Sirius had become so accustomed to is abruptly gone from his voice. 

“Yeah,” Sirius says softly.

“Oh… that’s a step.” 

Sirius sighs. “Not really. It’s not like that. It’s never been.”

“I would beg to differ. Could’ve sworn you were dating in uni.” 

Sirius could’ve sworn there was something at points too, but it had always been so clear to him that Remus never felt that way. They’d never kissed. They only held hands if one was dragging the other, and even then it was far too brief to truly mean anything. He had been searching for signs for years that there was something between them. Yet every time he thought maybe Remus was looking at him differently, he’d turn away.

He was sure Remus would laugh at the idea. Him and the overly traumatized kid he’s known since he was eleven? Please. He deserved so much better. Sirius knew he did.

He was over it anyways. It was a stupid childhood fantasy. Nothing more, and he was sure by now if Remus had ever felt the same way about him, he’d know. Remus couldn’t hide something that big from him… could he?

“Why did you call me then?” Regulus asks, once again bringing Sirius back to the moment.

“I’m freaking out,” Sirius admits. “I don’t want to screw this up, and - I’m already at his school. Fuck.” Sirius looks up at the building through his car window and takes a deep breath.

“Well maybe keeping your swearing down is a good start,” Regulus suggests and Sirius rolls his eyes. 

“Thanks a lot. What if they think I’m trying to kidnap him or something?”

“They won’t think you’re kidnapping him. Remus is far too prepared to not tell them in advance.” 

“We’re sure of that?”

“Yes, Sirius. Now pull into the pickup line and don’t burn the frozen pizza.” 

Sirius gasps in horror. “I did not burn the pizza.”

“Yes you did. More than once.” Before Sirius can retort his brother has hung up and there’s a knocking sound on his window. He looks over to the side and hesitates at the familiarity of it all. 

He quickly unlocks the door and gestures at him to get in.

“Thanks!” Teddy climbs into the passenger seat and buckles his seatbelt. It takes Sirius a moment for his thoughts to catch up to him. 

Right. Twelve. It’s been that long? Front seat? Fuck.

“Well you found your way to my school. That’s a good start.” 

Sirius chuckles, making sure his passenger has buckled his seatbelt. “Please, I think I can read a GPS, bud.” 

“I know. Dad just said you were nervous, so I thought you might miss your turn.”

“Ratting me out,” Sirius mutters under his breath with a small smile. 

“Isn’t that Uncle Peter?” 

Sirius laughs. “Right you are…” Sirius looks over at the stop sign and sighs with a small smile. “You sure you’re adopted?”

“Pretty sure, Pads.” Teddy looks over and Sirius can see the mischievous glimmer in his eyes more reminiscent of himself than Teddy’s own dad. He wonders for a moment why he thought of that. “Unless I’m a miracle birth and dad somehow hid it from you for nine months.” Sirius chuckles and shakes his head. 

“I’ll give you that. Doubt we could hide anything from each other for that long.”

“Well…” Teddy smiles to himself, and Sirius feels his curiosity peak. 

“Hmm?” Sirius hums.

“Why did you ask if I was adopted?” Teddy challenges, clearly trying to change the subject.

“No reason… you just look like him, that's all,” Sirius replies, letting this one slip by. He’d slip in a question about it later…

“Yeah?” 

Sirius smiles to himself seeing the boy’s eyes light up. “Yes. Albeit a little lighter hair and eyes, but… still Moony all over.” 

Teddy smiles and looks forward again. “Thanks… Grandma said something about that last time I saw her.” Teddy plays with his hands in his lap. “It’s been a bit since I’ve seen them both. Dad says we have to let Grandma rest and Grandpa is busy.” 

“Mhmm, he has been busy in the shop recently, I’ll give him that.” He notices Teddy continuing to look down. “Maybe we can have them over for dinner this weekend?” Sirius suggests gently. “If your grandma is feeling up to it of course.”

“Really?” Teddy grins and Sirius feels something warm inside him as he nods. He pulls up to a stoplight when Teddy lets out a cackle. He looks over, curiosity peaking. Teddy looks over at him with a wide grin before speaking. 

“I’ve been informed by Uncle James that apparently I’m not allowed to be fed warmed up pizza.” 

Sirius put his head against the wheel and groaned.

Chapter Text

Texting Key:

Sirius

Remus

~~~

“Look, I know it’s the middle of the night, but I don’t know what to do” Sirius taps his fingers on the kitchen counter as James groans on the other line. He feels a wave of guilt sweep over him at the noise. “Actually never mind, you need sleep. I’m sorry. I thought with Harry you may be up.”

“Probably should be a bit more alert in case he needs something, but I can’t exactly help the fact my body desperately needs sleep,” James chuckles softly. “What’s up?”

“I…” Sirius looks around the room and sighs heavily. This was stupid. He shouldn’t have called James. It just made him feel worse.

“Pads, talk to me,” James urges. Sirius grimaces, but relents.

“I…” 

The house feels empty now that he’s asleep.  

“What does Moony do when Teddy goes to sleep?” Sirius settles on.

James snorts. “Oh?”

“Look, I’m anxious. It’s like eleven and usually I stay up for like three more hours, but now I’m keeping myself from going up the stairs and making sure he’s sleeping alright. He’s nearly thirteen and I’m afraid he’s going to disappear and Moony is going to hate me forever.” 

James laughs softly. “Pads, the only way he’s going to disappear is if he somehow sleep walks out of a window. I know for sure he’s in Rem’s old room, which has a screen, and is on the second floor, so I’m sure you’d hear him fall and-”

“Oh God, does he sleep walk? Remus didn’t tell me that. Fuck, should I-”

“Pads,” James laughs again, louder this time. “Oh my god, no he doesn’t. Breathe. I was just joking.” 

Sirius sighs in relief and laughs slightly to himself. “Crap, I’m such an anxious wreck.”

“I see the parental instincts are already kicking in - less than twenty-four hours too.” 

“Shut up.” 

Sirius feels an ice cool wave of fear rush through his body and he grips the marble counter. He hears James mumble something off the other line. He hears the soft sound of a kiss being exchanged and something in his chest twists. 

He looks around the walls of his house and for a moment wonders why they feel so bare. When he first bought this home to share with Moony, he thought that he’d litter the walls with his own art - with the memories that they he would make. 

Yet they remained clear, the wallpaper slightly peeling, and for the first time Sirius really saw the emptiness within them. 

He shivers, blaming the cold Wales weather, and begins to walk towards the living room for a blanket.

“Alright, alright. You asked what Moons probably does?” James asks, returning to his phone. Sirius hums in response, tucking a blanket around himself, but not feeling any warmer. 

He feels something in his stomach settle with discomfort. It was quiet in the house. Usually Sirius tried to enjoy the peace of it, reminding himself how he didn’t get much of it in his youth. He loved living alone at first, blasting his music at full volume whenever he felt like it and not having to worry about if Remus was reading, Peter was doing homework, or if James had Lily over. He was living by his own rules, and he was sure he was supposed to feel free…but soon the cold had crept in inch by inch and swallowed up the warmth that company had brought to his life. 

Or maybe it was just the Wales weather.

Sirius felt himself huddling into the warm blanket Remus had left when he moved out. He clings onto it tighter, trying to keep out the chill that too often soaked into his bones.

“Probably reads,” James says after a minute of contemplation, reminding Sirius that he in fact asked a question. “But you can do whatever you usually do, just maybe a bit quieter with Teds upstairs…What do you usually do at nights?” 

Sirius ponders this for a moment. He liked listening to music whenever the noise in his head got too loud. He supposed he could do that, but something inside told him that he would end up spiraling worse if he listened to his normal stuff. Maybe he should try out some of that music Remus recommended to him a few months back? Yet, knowing Moony, he wasn’t sure if it would make him feel worse than his normal choices would…

“Talk to Moony, I suppose,” Sirius answers with a half smile, trying not to feel sheepish about it. 

“Well, then you know what Moony’s doing at night.” 

Sirius bites his lip, confused by the sudden warmth inside his chest. “I usually text him about his day. He asks me about his mom. Sometimes his dad. We talk about the past a bit sometimes. Back when we were the Marauders.”

“When we were? Mate, we still are.”

“Are we?” Sirius asks with a sad chuckle. “All of us have settled down. You married Lily and just had a kid. Remus has Teddy and a book tour across the ocean. Peter is in Paris with Sybil right now - and you can’t tell me that they won’t get married by next year. You see the way he looks at her.” 

“He does seem awfully smitten. Do you think that’s why they're in Paris? It is the city of love after all.” 

Sirius makes a face. “Overrated.” 

“Coming from the Frenchman.”

“That’s how you know I’m right.” 

He smiles to himself hearing James laugh again. 

Truth be told, deep down he did think Paris was pretty romantic. At least the concept of it was. He would do anything to take someone there someday. To put a lock on one of those bridges, ride through the streets on his bike, enjoy a hotel looking over the Seine… 

He used to picture that future back in uni. He brought up possibly going there with the four of them back then. He hoped to single Moony out and show him the places he’d always wanted to go. 

It felt silly now - like it was some daydream that passed him by in an era that had disappeared long ago.

“Well change isn’t always a bad thing, Padfoot. We’re entering new eras,” James reminds him.

“And yet, I am here the same,” Sirius says softly, looking up at the ceilings that had remained above his head for nearly half a decade.

“No you aren’t.”

“Oh right, I’m getting gray hairs now.”

“Work stressing you out that much you’re prematurely graying? You should ask Lyall to give you a break.” 

Sirius smiles to himself, hearing his boss’s responses of the same sentiment earlier that month. “Eh, he’d agree with you that I’d need it.” 

“Well then, start by resting early… or send Moony a text. Let him know you haven’t killed Teds yet.” 

Sirius rolls his eyes despite himself. “Fine. Maybe I will.” 

“You should.” 

Sirius can hear the soft affection in his tone, but isn’t completely sure what for. 

“Alright.” 

They hang up after wishing each other a good night. Sirius opens up his messages to Remus and lets his thumb hovers over the text box at the bottom of their conversation.

It was just Remus, he finds himself repeating to himself. Same guy who continued their nightly chats even after he had moved out. Just Remus… the man whose lack of presence could chill Sirius to his bones.

How was your flight? Did you settle in alright? 

He finds himself sending before he can stop himself.

Teddy is fine by the way. 

He’s fast asleep (to my knowledge at least).

He told me to let you know he did really well on that math test by the way. 

He seemed pretty proud of it. 

I’m sure you already know that though. 

Sorry if I’m waking you up. I know it’s early over there. 

You should sleep.

Sorry.

Sirius rests the phone on his chest. 

God he felt desperate. Almost clingy even. He squeezes his eyes shut and feels the ache in his chest throb slightly before a buzzing against it soothes the sensation. He lifts up his phone and can’t help the smile that falls across his face. 

I got off the flight four hours ago and I swear I can still feel the ache in my bones. 

You didn’t wake me up, don’t worry. 

You and Teds getting along alright?

He’s great. Don’t worry about us. 

Maybe you should take a bath. 

Could help the muscles and sleep come faster?

I suppose so. 

It’s weird being on my own.

I can’t remember the last time I was.

I understand. 

It’s a bit weird for me too on my end.

Not in a bad way! Just wasn’t expecting to feel this way that’s all.

Should I be worried?

No! 

No. 

Sorry. 

Trying to make you not worried and 

Fuck

Words are bad right now. 

I see. 

Teddy isn’t giving you trouble right?

No. He’s wonderful. 

Don’t worry about it. 

You know, I realized that I never put any pictures on the walls, even when we lived together.

The house feels weirdly empty right now.

Maybe you and Teddy should get some art supplies? 

I can’t remember the last time you painted.

The supplies probably need some updating now.

Me either. 

Maybe when James and Lily come over the weekend we’ll do that.

He’s already texted me about train times.

Of course he has. 

There’s a bit of a pause. Sirius takes the opportunity to fold up the blanket and put it back in the closet, feeling a warmth creep through him. 

You should get some rest. 

I’m sure Teddy will bombard you with questions tomorrow. 

He reminds me sometimes of you and Prongs.

Alright. I will as long as you promise to take care of yourself too. 

I have for six years on my own, I’ll be okay.

I know. 

Doesn’t stop me from worrying sometimes though.

Sirius blushes, not sure where that beacon of truth came from. He sinks into the cushions of the sofa, groaning to himself at the stiffness in his limbs. Maybe this whole thing had stressed him out more than I thought. 

His phone buzzes again after a moment and he lifts it up.

I’m okay.

His phone reads with a photo attached. It shows a tired looking Moony giving a thumbs up in the mirror with a white robe on.

Just a white robe on.

Sirius blinks at his screen trying to keep his brain from short circuiting. 

See?

Oh, I see.

Yeah :)

Have a nice bath, Moons. 

I’ll send you pictures of me and Teds tomorrow.

Sounds like a plan. 

Sleep well, Pads.

You too Moons.

Sirius lets his phone fall against his chest and looks up at the ceiling trying to calm the beating of his heart. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, feeling a bit like he was a teenager again texting his crush into the late hours of the morning. 

He wonders for a moment if Teddy was doing the same thing. Was he hiding himself from the world to create a space for him and that special someone?

Sirius smiles to himself at the thought. 

Maybe there were some good memories in his childhood after all. 

He finds himself walking up the stairs with a bit of a new motivation. If Remus wanted him to sleep, he would try. For him at least.

Chapter Text

It had been twenty-four hours officially now since he picked up Moony Jr and Sirius was panicking. They ate a late lunch together, both of them sleeping in. Turns out that, unlike his father, Teddy Lupin was not a morning person. This was something they could both agree on. 

Yet, there was still this sense of awkwardness. They’d never been alone this long before without Remus. 

Sirius found himself wondering something along the lines of - what do I do with it? - more times than he’d like to admit in the past few hours.

Babysitting didn’t exactly come with a manual after all. It wasn’t like the things he would work on at the shop. It wasn’t like there was some: babysitting for dummies, he could act like he read and then pretend to dismiss. He would’ve actually tried to read it and take notes for once in his sorry life. 

But no. Nowhere within the facets of his brain could he figure out for the life of him what to do with a nearly teenage boy. 

He couldn’t exactly take him to the park for a walk like a dog. But the last thing he wanted to do was keep the poor kid cooped up inside when the weather had just started to warm up, so he turned to the one place he knew would have proper childcare advice. After all, they had raised one wonderful and infinitely less fucked up kid.

“Hey bud, want to visit your grandparents shop with me? You know - kinda like a bring your kid to work day.”

“But I’m not your kid,” Teddy reminds him, looking up from his phone with a slight squinting look.

“True, but it’s the count that thoughts.”

“Thought that counts?” Teddy asks, trying to hide a snicker. 

“Whatever.” 

Teddy laughs, but follows Sirius to grab his coat. 

They get in the car and Sirius curses Remus for not letting him use the bike. It was perfect weather for it. He could almost feel it now - the wind against his clothes, the fresh air passing him by. Yet he knew his friend was right. Sirius was careless sometimes when it came to the machine. Even if he wasn’t, Lyall had taken it to the shop yesterday to try to work his own magic on it. Somehow he always seemed to see the things that Sirius skipped over or forgot. Like father like son, he supposed.

“Do you think Grandma will want company?” Teddy asks softly as they pull into the shop's lot.

“We can ask your grandpa,” Sirius says, and notices Teddy playing with his hands. 

Like father, like son…

“I’m sure if she’s up, she’d love company,” Sirius adds gently. 

“I don’t think she’s ignoring me,” Teddy defends quickly. “I just… I feel like my dad is hiding what’s really going on from me. I think he doesn’t think I can handle it.” Sirius swallows and looks at the wheel.

“Maybe he’s trying to process it as well. He may think that if he tells you, then he has to acknowledge it’s happening.” 

Teddy looks over at him and his eyes narrow in contemplation. “Maybe. Then why doesn’t he tell me that?”

Sirius laughs. “It’s hard to see in yourself what the outside viewer clearly sees.”

“Oh, is that why Dad?..” Sirius raises his eyebrows, but Teddy shakes his head, plastering a smile on his face. “Nevermind. Let’s go see Grandpa.” Sirius sighs as Teddy unbuckles and jumps out of his car. 

“Kids,” He says to himself before getting out himself.

“Sirius!” Lyall’s voice booms through the shop as he pulls him into a bear hug. Sirius laughs through his crushing ribs. “You didn’t tell me you and Teds were coming today. I gave you the day off!"

“I know, but Teddy had been asking about you and Hope, so I thought I’d check on you both.”

“Whoa,” Sirius looks over to see Teddy leaning down next to his bike. “Whose is this Grandpa?”

“This young man over here,” Lyall clamps a hand on his shoulder and Sirius chuckles.

“Well, young is an exaggeration, but yes that is my bike,” Sirius confirms.

“Whoa.” Teddy circles around it in awe. “Can I ride on it with you once it’s fixed?”

“No,” Sirius says reflexively, remembering the panic in Remus’s face. “Your dad will kill me.”

“He doesn’t need to know,” Teddy pouts. “Please?”

“Oh god.” Lyall looks over at Sirius with a grin on his face. “Are you sure he’s not your kid?”

“Not unless I made a very stupid decision in uni.” Lyall laughs at his comment and ruffles Sirius’s hair. Sirius tries to hide the beam on his face.

“Are those other voices I hear?” Sirius grins hearing Hope’s voice float from the doorway to the back rooms. 

“Look who's up,” Sirius says with a grin as Teddy nearly tackles her into a hug. “Gentle!” Sirius chides gently as Hope laughs. 

“Oh it’s fine, love.” She holds him close as Teddy clings onto her. 

“Feeling better?”

“A bit,” she says with a small smile. “Still tired all of the time, but one step at a time.” Sirius nods. 

“That’s all you can do, right?” Sirius says. Lyall squeezes his shoulder as Hope nods.

“Grandma, Padfoot won’t let me ride his bike,” Teddy whines, breaking the tension effortlessly. 

“Well you’re too young to ride it on your own, sweetheart,” she says with a laugh. Sirius feels his stomach twist slightly at the sound. It was breathier than it used to be…

“I know,” Teddy protests.

“Ah, you meant having Sirius drive you around?” He nods. “Ah, well I’m sure something can be arranged.” 

Sirius shakes his head quickly. “Remus will kill me.” 

She chuckles. “I’m sure he won’t mind if it’s a gift. Especially if someone’s birthday is coming up…” Teddy looks at him with bright eyes. Sirius sighs and turns to Lyall. 

“And you say he’s my kid. I think she’s all her.” Hope laughs and leads Teddy back into the house. 

“Alright, let's take a look at this baby,” Lyall says as he and Sirius make their way over to the bike. “One day, you will learn your left from your right.”

“I know on the road,” Sirius protests, kneeling down next to him.

“Maybe so, but this part was almost all the way off.”

“Huh, that’s weird. I’m sure I would’ve seen that,” Sirius admits

“Was something distracting you when you got to this step?” Lyall asks looking up from under the motorcycle. Sirius thinks back to when he was working on that part.

That was… wasn’t James on the phone? Something about Remus’s book tour…? Oh...

“Umm,” Sirius scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah. Was on a call with Remus and James.” Lyall makes a humming sound and rolls his eyes.

“Maybe next time don’t multitask.” Sirius sighs before playing with the string on his pants. 

“Ummm. Can I ask a question?”

“Shoot,” Lyall says, taking a wrench from Sirius’s hand. 

“What… what do you even do with a twelve year old kid?” 

Lyall laughs. “You don’t seem to be doing too badly right now.”

“Well, chickening out of parenting by placing that on you and Hope was not exactly my intention.” Lyall huffs, for a moment reminding him of how Remus sounded when he was helping him with his homework in uni and Sirius apologized for taking up his time.

“Just put yourself in his shoes. What did you like to do when you were twelve?” 

Sirius’s eyes widen at the memory. 

“Not anything I’d want him to be doing.” Lyall laughs again and Sirius can’t help but laugh as well. “I’m probably not the best role-model to base that off of."

“When is Potter coming up?”

“Tomorrow. He’s been harassing me constantly about it. He thinks I’ll forget somehow.” 

“Mhmm… didn’t you guys forget Peter when you were-“

“-And this is exactly why basing that poor boy’s desires off of mine when I was his age is a poor idea.” 

Lyall snorts and peaks his head out. “Where would you take a young Remus?” 

“Bookstore,” Sirius says without a second thought. 

“There’s your answer then.” 

Lyall goes back under the bike and for a moment Sirius considers this. Maybe he could get Remus a book while he was there? 

His mind drifts for a moment to Moony.  Maybe the store had his book and he could take a picture and show it to him. Would that cheer him up or make him that kind of blushy semi-modest embarrassed? He loved the second option almost as much as the first. 

“If you keep daydreaming, you’ll never learn how to do this yourself.”

“Sorry,” Sirius apologizes quickly and returns his eyes back to the bike. “You were saying?” 

Lyall shakes his head with a smirk on his face and for a moment Sirius sees a flicker of mischief in his eyes. He recognized it from Remus’s own face. He feels his stomach twist in worry at the idea of Lyall knowing something he may not, but the fear is quickly pushed away as Lyall begins rattling off the next few steps of the process and how Sirius can do it right the next time.

“And lastly,” Lyall turns back to Sirius. “Next time look out for potholes.” 

He sighs. “Yes, Dad .” Lyall laughs as he gets back up and rustles Sirius’s hair. 

“Come on, Hope made some food in the back. She insisted she come with me to work today. Something about getting back to normal. I’d never deny her.”

“She’s very convincing,” Sirius agrees and Lyall hums. 

“Speaking of convincing, have you talked to Remus recently?” Sirius pauses at this. 

“Why?” He asks, pausing in the doorway. 

“Well, you always had a way of making sure he took care of himself. I’m worried that his illness may flare up over there and he won't tell anyone.”

“He… he seems fine,” Sirius considers. “But I can check in later.”

“That would be great.” Lyall squeezes his shoulder. Before Sirius can venture to ask why him of all people in his son’s life, his mentor has walked into the kitchen, leaving a very baffled Sirius behind him.

Chapter Text

“Of course you brought the boy to a bookstore.” 

Sirius crosses his arms at his friend as Teddy runs ahead of them inside.

“Do you have any better ideas? He asks. “It’s not exactly like I could take him to the playground and push him on the swing, Prongs.”

“Eh, you never know till you try,” James jokes, holding the door open for Harry and Lily. 

“I’m not pushing a twelve year old on a swing. If he’s anything like Moony, he’ll kill me in his sleep.” Sirius follows them in. Lily passes a cooing Harry to James who cradles him and walks off to the side of the store. Sirius watches them for a moment with a sad smile. 

He was right back in school. Both Remus and James made great parents…

He turns back to see where Teddy has gone before accidentally losing him. God knows he’d lost Remus more than once in these places. He watches as Teddy toys around with a book in hand. He flips it over to look at the back, before making a face and returning it to its place. Sirius watches as he walks into the shelves.

“And he raised the kid to be money conscious too it seems,” Sirius mumbles to himself. He walks over to where Teddy was standing and smiles to himself. 

A stargazing book…

He turns it over to check the back. “It’s not even that bad,” he comments to Lily who shrugs, turning a children's book for Harry over in her hands.

“Yours and James’s definitions of not bad and mine and Remus’s have always been different.” Sirius quiets at that and looks back down at the book. It was thick, and seemed to be illustrated on each page, so it made sense that it was expensive. Sirius plays with it for a minute before walking up to the counter and getting it. He asks them to wrap it up before going to find Teddy. 

“Who's that book for?” Teddy asks, not looking over at him from where he’s looking at the back of a paperback.

“Your dad,” Sirius lies, tucking it in his jacket. “It’s a bit of a welcome home present.” Teddy hums in response and puts the book back on the shelf.

“I’m sure he’d like that. If you want to unwrap it and write a special note inside for him, that’d probably make his week.” Sirius laughs, careful to keep his voice down. 

“I think the book itself will probably make his week, knowing him, but I’ll consider it. Thanks, bud.” He ruffles his hair and Teddy smiles over at him. “Have you settled on anything yet?”

“Not really. Dad taught me to always try to get only one book every time I go into a bookstore. He tries to do the same thing, but he usually gets more than I do.”

“I think it’s basically illegal for your dad to come out of a bookstore without a book.”  Teddy laughs a little and nods. Sirius smiles and looks up at the shelves for a moment before grinning. “Oh he loved this one when he was your age.” He pulls down the “The Three Musketeers” and tosses it to him. 

“I think it’s because the musketeers kinda acted like we did when we were younger,” Sirius explains. Teddy turns it over in his hands with a small smile.

“Do you think he’s having a good time in America?” Teddy asks softly. Sirius watches Teddy’s curl into himself slightly. He’d watched his brother do the same motion a few too many times. He places a hand on Teddy’s shoulder and squeezes.

“I’m sure he is, but he’s also probably making a list of places to take you when he gets the chance.” 

Teddy smiles. “You think so?”

“I know so.” Sirius squeezes Teddy’s shoulder again. “You’re the most important person in his life, you know.” 

A mischievous glimmer crosses Teddy's face. “Are you sure about that?”

“Of course. You’re his kid.” 

Teddy shrugs with a smirk on his face. “Alright, if you say sooo.” Teddy walks off with a bit of a skip in his step. Sirius stays there stunned for a moment before looking up at the ceiling. 

“Kids,” he says to himself before walking out of the shelves. He looks around the store when he emerges, but Teddy is nowhere to be found. He quickly spots James and Lily. 

“Hey did you see where Teddy-”

“Buying a book right now,” Lily quickly says with a smile. “Breathe. It seems Remus gave him some allowance. Speaking of, are you gonna grab something here for him?” 

“Why is everyone asking that?” Sirius asks, shifting the weight on his feet. 

“Isn’t the book you got earlier for Remus?” James asks, looking between Sirius and his wife with confusion evident. 

“No, it’s for Teddy’s birthday, but don’t tell him that.” James and Lily share a look and Sirius feels a bit of panic rise in him. He knew that conspiratorial glance too well from his uni days. “What?”

“Nothing. Do you have a thing for Lupins wrapping themselves around your finger?” James asks, crossing his arms as Lily tries and fails to hide a laugh of her own. 

“I-I don’t-”

“-Padfoot?” Teddy tugs on his jacket and Sirius looks over, trying to ignore his friends. 

“Yes, bud?”

“Can we get ice cream?” He looks at him with those wide big blue eyes and Sirius knows he’s screwed. He looks at James who shares another quick look with Lily. 

“Prongs, my friend, has Harry ever had ice cream?” James shakes his head. “Well what godfather would I be if I didn’t introduce him? Come on.” Teddy cheers and Lily smiles looking over at James. Sirius sighs.

Even back in secondary, he hated those knowing looks…

***

“You can hold him if you want,” Lily says gently, breaking the silence. Sirius looks over at her quickly, before glancing at a peacefully sleeping Harry.

“I don’t want to wake him up.” Sirius admits, moving the bag of art supplies closer to his leg.

“You won’t if you’re gentle.” She gives him a kind smile. “Think of it like James’s lucky football.” Sirius snorts. 

How could he forget that damn thing? James loved that football back in secondary school. Always practiced with it, until one day it landed on a pair of Peter’s scissors and it unfortunately was toast. Monty and Effie got him another one, but James still carried around its carcass up until Uni. If Sirius was honest, he was sure he had it somewhere. Well more accurately, he was sure Lily or Effie knew where it was.

“I’m afraid this is a bit more breakable,” Sirius admits with a small laugh.

“Yes, you will need to support his head.” She gently passes Harry to him. Sirius takes him and freezes. He was so tiny…

Lily starts to laugh. “Sirius, relax. You’re not going to break him.” Sirius takes a deep breath and carefully loosens his arms. 

“He looks like James. Monty and Effie shared some baby photos with me at the baby shower.” 

She sighs with a smile. “He does, doesn’t he? He got my eyes though. James says we’ll try for a little one who looks more like me next time.” 

Sirius’s eyes widened. “Don’t tell me he’s already-”

“-Oh no. No no. We’re definitely waiting a year.” Sirius sighs in relief. He stares down at the soft sleeping face before him and smiles.

“How many do you think you two will have?”

“Well, we want Harry to have a sibling, so one more at least. You know if James had his way we’d already have ten.” 

Sirius chuckles and shakes his head with a small smile. “It always surprised me that Remus became a parent before you both. He’s so good at it too. I always wished…” Sirius shakes his head.

“Wished you were there with him?” Lily suggests gently. 

“I… I don’t know how to explain it. Never mind me…” He gently passes Harry back to her and she sighs. She leans over to tuck him into the stroller, before calling over her shoulder.

“You’re good with kids too, for what it’s worth. You didn’t break Harry or Teddy.”

“Hey, don’t jinx me. I still have time for both of them.” 

She rolls her eyes, but the smile on her face remains. “What I’m saying is… Maybe you should be more open to parenthood. I know James has been teasing you about it, but you do have good instincts.” Sirius looks down at his hands. “Why you may have them, I know may not be for the best reasons, but they’re still there.” Sirius shrugs. 

“I’m not like Remus.” Lily narrows her eyes and Sirius quickly rushes to continue. “I mean- I… I don’t think I could do it alone. I wouldn’t want to.” 

“Oh,” She breathes softly and Sirius grimaces before looking away. He hated the pitying look on her face. 

“I’d want a partner, because even with Teddy now, I feel like things are going over my head. Remus… well he’s always known what to say, hasn’t he?” 

Her smile widens. “Why don’t you ask him how he does it?” She nudges him gently. “You never know. He may be open to having that conversation with you.” 

“I know, but… I don’t want him to think I’m trying to step on his toes as a father or something.”

“He won’t think that.” She places a hand on top of his and squeezes. “Trust me… it may actually get a lot off of your chest.” 

“I don’t know what you mean.” 

She chuckles and shakes her head. “God, you really are oblivious, aren’t you?”

Before Sirius can protest that she isn’t being clear, the bell jingles signaling another person has exited the ice cream store.

“Pads! Look what we got!” Sirius looks over at them and watches as James hands a cone to Lily with a quick peck on her cheek. His stomach twists a little and Sirius feels his smile start to falter. He can’t help but feel his mind start to wander.

Did anyone ever do that to Remus? Did someone ever lighten the load for him when he needed some rest and it just got to be too much? Did someone ever hold him into the night and ease his late night spirals? Sirius knew how many he used to get when he’d creep over and knock on Remus’s door. Did someone else knock on Remus’s and get his soothing words and hugs that broke through whatever state he was in? 

For some reason the thought of his friend getting exactly what he deserves makes him want to vomit. 

“We got you chocolate,” Teddy says, shaking him out of his thoughts. 

“Oh, thanks bud. What did you get?” 

Teddy raises his cup up with a grin. “Also chocolate.” 

“The right choice.” Teddy nods in agreement. On habit, Sirius raises up his spoon. 

When he and Remus used to eat ice cream with each other, they would always tap their spoons together in a kind of cheers motion. He quickly mentally scolds himself, reminding himself that Teddy is not Moony. Well, that is until Teddy raises his spoon up to his own, taps it, and digs into his ice cream. 

Sirius freezes for a moment before he feels a smile start to spread across his face. 

Moony passed that on…

He takes a scoop of his own ice cream and lets the cool liquid melt on his tongue. It felt bittersweet, being here without Remus. He loved Lily and James, but even with them, he felt like something was missing. 

Maybe Lily was right… he should give him a call. But until then, he had someone to look after. 

“So tell me, why rainbow sprinkles instead of chocolate?” Sirius asks Teddy in between bites. Teddy pauses before shrugging.

“I don’t know. I guess I find the double chocolate repetitive.” 

Sirius shrugs himself with a small wink sent his way. “Touché.” Teddy smiles and Sirius looks back down at his ice cream. Maybe Lily, James and Remus were right. Kids weren’t too bad.

Chapter Text

Texting Key:

Sirius

Remus

~~~

Sirius can feel another set of eyes practically burning into his skin on his drawing. He knew something was up with Teddy - he’d been acting weird since they got home - but he had no idea how to address it. He wasn’t Remus, and he wasn’t James or Lily either. They all had this way about them that could make you spill your guts if they pressed right. Sirius had never been like that. He was the one usually spilling his guts for the world to see. 

Before he could berate himself more at not knowing what to say, Teddy is breaking the ice. 

“Is that supposed to be a dog?” he asks.

“It will be eventually. Just got to trust the process a little.” Sirius tilts his sketchpad to get a better angle on the back to the tail. “I used to draw animals a lot when I was your age.”

“Really?” Teddy asks. 

“Mhmm.” 

“Why is there a moose?”

“It’s a stag actually. Blame your Uncle James.” 

“Oh. Is this Dad then?” Teddy points to the wolf right next to the dog and Sirius feels a smile spread across his face. 

“Yeah. Lupin evolved into Moony. I gave that nickname to your dad when we were roommates. We were kinda nerds,” Sirius says with a chuckle. Teddy continues to look between the dog and the wolf. Sirius feels a bit of a self-conscious reflex at someone studying his art so intensely.

“So what’s going on in the movie?” Sirius asks, hoping to change the topic as he begins to re-outline the deer’s antlers. He carefully shifts away from the twelve-year-old’s piercing gaze.

“I don’t know,” Teddy admits quietly before reaching over for the remote and turning the volume down. “Pads?”

“Mhmm?"

“You… you like boys right?” 

Sirius freezes. Well this isn’t how he thought this conversation would continue. 

“Yes… is that a problem?”

“No!” Teddy responds quickly. “I mean… how did you know for sure that you were..?” Sirius swallows and pauses his pencil at the end of a stroke. 

“Back in secondary school there was this boy that I really liked. It took me a while to realize that maybe my need to always be near him wasn’t that I just thought he was so cool or something, but a bit more.” Sirius takes up a deep breath and starts sketching again. “Also learned from Peter that no, in fact, most boys don’t imagine kissing their guy best friends.” 

“They don’t?” 

“Nope.” Sirius switches his charcoal pencil out as Teddy plays with his hands.

“Shit.” 

Sirius first instinct is to scold Teddy for swearing, but he quickly pushes that thought aside. “Yeah… that was my first thought too.”

“Did you… did you ever tell him?” Sirius sighs and looks back down at the dog leaning into the wolf.

“No.”

“Why not? Was he straight?”

Sirius snorts. “No. I couldn’t even delude myself about that. He was kinda the person our friend group turned to when they were having a gay crisis.”

“Then why didn’t you tell him?"

“I mean, there were times I almost said something back in uni, but…” Sirius shakes his head. “I doubted he ever liked me back and I loved him enough to know I never wanted to lose him.”

“Loved?” Teddy asks, pointing to the wolf and the dog close together as if smiling at an imaginary camera. Sirius swallows hard and shrugs. 

“I don’t know if you ever get over your first love… James sure didn’t.” He gives Teddy a small smile. 

“I don’t think Dad did either. He doesn’t talk about that kinda stuff with me. Says he just needs me in his life and he’s content. I think he’s lying. He’s been lying to me a lot recently.” Teddy crosses his arms over his chest. 

“He likes to keep those he loves out of what he considers his own problems. I’m sure he would hate it if he thought you believed he was lying to you. It may be worth talking about when he gets back.” Teddy sighs. 

“I know…” 

“Have you told him about these feelings?” Sirius asks, carefully shutting his sketchpad, trying not to draw attention to the motion. He felt like he was trying not to spook a wild animal as he placed it aside. He knew how caged he'd felt at this point in his life, and he'd be damned if he'd let Teddy feel the same way.

Teddy shakes his head. “No.”

“Why not?” Sirius asks gently. 

“I… I’m scared it will change things, I guess.” Sirius kneels down on the floor in front of him and takes Teddy’s hands. 

“He loves you. The only thing this could do is make him love you more. I promise you.” Sirius squeezes his hands. “Of course, I will never encourage you to come out before you’re ready, and I’ll keep this a secret as long as you need me too. Only tell people when you’re comfortable enough, and you don’t owe anyone that information, alright? And hey, it’s okay if things change. Stuff like this sometimes evolves over time as you get to know yourself more, and you’ve got so much time left to figure that out.” 

“What if… what if the boy I like doesn’t like me back?”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“Even if he doesn’t, which would be stupid in my humble opinion,” Teddy cracks a smile. "There will be someone who will, okay?” Teddy nods.

“Now one of these days I’m gonna ask for details on this boy.” Teddy blushes. “But for now,” Sirius gets up and stretches. “I’ve got some more chocolate ice cream in my fridge that I think I need some help eating. Are you in?”

“Ice cream before bed?” Teddy asks, raising his eyebrows. God, he was so much like his dad. 

“I mean, technically nowhere in my babysitting rules did your dad say I couldn’t soooo.” Sirius steps backwards towards the fridge. Teddy breaks into a grin and rushes in after him. 

***

Sirius hums to himself as he finishes up sketching the wolf and dog. He smiles to himself and pics up his phone to takes a picture. 

Moony and Padfoot have returned. 

I can see that.  

I’m glad to see them again. I missed their faces. 

Sirius shakes his head with a smile. Remus had probably seen the most iterations of Moony and Padfoot. He was the first person he let see his sketchpad. He passed it off back then as another move to try to gain Remus’s trust, but he was sure Remus wasn’t aware he was the first to be afforded that privilege. 

It was strange sometimes how easy being with Remus felt. Sirius just found it natural to open himself up to him. He still did.

James sent me a lot of pictures of you and Teddy today. Looks like you two are having a good time. 

I hope so. I’m trying to make sure he enjoys it. We have dinner with your parents tomorrow. 

That sounds nice. Give them both my regards.

And I think you’re doing good so far. Today looked fun!

It was. 

I missed you though. 

"Fuck.” Sirius shoves his phone and sketchpad aside on the table and lets his head bang against it. 

He didn’t mean to say that. That deep conversation with Teddy earlier must’ve screwed him up. He was reminiscing far too much. 

He’s shaken out of his thoughts by buzzing near his face. He freezes before picking up the phone. 

“Hello?” Sirius asks, wondering if Remus can hear how embarrassed he is. Almost immediately he’s knocked off his footing.

“I missed you today too.” 

Fuck how he missed that voice. 

Sirius closes his eyes and tries to bite back the tears as something in his chest tightens.

“Yeah?” Sirius asks, not sure how the word came out as steady as it did. 

“Yeah. It’s weird, exploring somewhere new and not having you or Teddy here. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like something I shouldn’t be doing alone.”

“I… I understand what you mean. I keep on feeling like I shouldn’t be doing this alone either.”

“Hmm?” Remus asks and Sirius quickly realizes he’s not ready to talk about this yet.

“I… I don’t know how to explain it as well. I did tell Teddy earlier that you were probably writing a list of places to take him too next time you visit those cities.” 

Remus chuckles. “You know me so well, don’t you?”

“I pride myself on it.” Sirius knows it sounds a bit cocky and flippant, but he truly means it. 

He made it his mission to figure every part of Remus out since they were first placed as roommates. Even after discovering his feelings he never stopped wanting to know everything about Remus. He knew that he always got worried about drinking, afraid he’d end up like his maternal grandfather. He knew he would play with his hands whenever he got anxious. He knew that sometimes all Remus needed after a long day was a tight hug and some words of reassurance that it’ll all be okay. Sirius knew Remus, but he was still greedy. He wanted to know more.

“How are you feeling by the way? I know how travel and your joints don’t always mix.” 

Remus sighs on the other line. “It’s… it’s been better.” 

Sirius bites his lip, knowing that’s the best admission he could probably get from his friend that something was hurting him. “Oh Moons, have you tried the bath salts I got you? They're specifically supposed to help alleviate some pain.” 

“Not yet. I’m afraid I’m gonna waste them.” 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Moony, if you’re in pain you’re not wasting them. It’s like your meds. I can always get you more anyways.”

“But they’re expensive."

“Remus.”

“Fine… I’ll use them next time.” 

“You better.”

“Yes, Dr. Black.”

Sirius smiles to himself, tracing circles on the kitchen table. “Always so stubborn,” Sirius teases light-heartedly.

“Coming from you.” Sirius feels his smile grow. 

“You know, I saw your book in the store today.”

“Did you?” Sirius grins, knowing that he got the embarrassed-modest reaction.

“Mhmm. I asked a woman at the counter about it when I was buying Teddy’s birthday present. She said the display was one of the last copies since it’s one of their best sellers.”

“No she didn’t. You’re pulling one on me.”

“Why would I joke around about something that means so much to you, Moons?” 

There is a pause on the other end as Sirius closes his sketchbook. He knew both of them were aware how each other was about the other’s passions. Remus was always encouraging about Sirius’s art, and Sirius about Remus’s stories. He could be biased, but he loved getting lost in the worlds Remus created. Not many books could hold his attention, but there was always something about Remus’s that could keep him tucked between pages for hours. 

“You know I’ve always loved your stories. I’m only saying our town has good taste.” Sirius turns off the kitchen light and makes his way to the stairs as Remus’s laughter rings in his ears.

“Of course you would say that.”

“I’m sure your agent would agree. How full are those stores on the tour anyway?” There’s a bit of quiet on the end of the line and for a moment he’s worried he’s said the wrong thing. That is until he hears a reluctant sigh on the other end.

“Much fuller than I thought they would be.” Sirius smiles to himself as he opens his bedroom door and clicks it shut. “I found myself missing you while there.”

“Oh?” Sirius pauses after turning on his light. “Miss my smile?"

“That -and you’ve always been far more charismatic than me. I could’ve used some of your charm.”

“Hey, you’ve got some draw of your own.” 

Remus snorts. "Please. I’m a lanky string bean with hardly enough social skills with people outside of our friends to be deemed passable.”

“I prefer the term friendly giant.” Remus laughs a little again and Sirius smiles again as he lays back on his bed. “And your social skills aren’t that bad.”

“They aren’t great.”

“Maybe so, but you’ve never needed me as a crutch before. Not unless there’s someone flirting with you or something.” 

Remus sighs heavily. “Can’t I just miss you?” 

Sirius feels something in his chest stutter at that.

“Yeah… you can. Sorry I keep teasing you.”

“It’s fine. I’m used to it.”

“Is it too much?” Sirius asks, worried he pushed too far.

“Padfoot,” Remus chuckles softly and Sirius can almost see him shaking his head. “You’re fine. Breathe.”

“Sorry, I guess this whole parenthood thing has got me anxious. I keep thinking I’m going to do something wrong.”

“Well according to Teddy, you’ve been doing great. Especially the ice cream before bed move.” 

Sirius hisses. “He told you about that?”

“Pads, it’s alright. I usually don’t do that because it gives him a sugar high that late, but I should’ve expected you to have more energy than me to handle that.”

“Eh, I think I wore him out with the shopping.” And some other deep conversations...

“Maybe.” 

Sirius pauses and looks at the clock. “What time is it over there?”

“Earlier than back home. You should rest.”

“I’m already in bed. I can stay up a little longer.”

“Yes, you can, but you shouldn’t have too. I’m sure Teddy has worn you out.” Sirius yawns as if to prove his point.

“No…” Another yawn. “Not entirely. The company has been nice. I forgot how much I liked living with another person. Makes this place feel a lot less empty.”

“Oh Pads…” Remus says softly. “We could’ve slept over a few times to help with that.”

Sirius shakes his head. “You have your own lives. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“You’re right, maybe I don’t have too. But I want to, alright? I care. You can’t make me stop.”

“I would never ask you too,” Sirius admits. 

“Good.” There’s a tender edge to his voice that makes Sirius wish he could teleport through the phone and hide away from the world in his arms. He blinks back the tears in his eyes.

“Thank you for calling me… I know you’re busy and all, but I want you to know I appreciate you always making time for me somehow. Even now.”

“I will always make time for you, Padfoot.” Sirius pulls the covers tighter around himself and squeezes his eyes tightly at the sound. “And you don’t need to thank me I… I missed your voice. It’s been weird not talking to you every night.” Sirius laughs slightly, trying to keep the tears in his eyes from falling down his face.

“Yeah, it’s been strange for me too. It’s really good to hear your voice.”

“Yeah… I should let you sleep now though.”

“Do you have too?”

“I think so,” Remus says, but there’s something beautifully gentle about it.

“I…” Sirius quickly stops himself. “Nevermind. Goodnight, Remus.”

“Goodnight. Sleep well, Sirius.” Sirius quickly squeezes his eyes shut again. God the way he said his name.

“I will. You better too.”

“Yes sir.” Remus laughs before the line disconnects. Sirius puts the phone down next to him and plugs it in before staring at the ceiling. The moon was leaking through the curtains, but everything around him was starting to look like a milky-white mess.

Sirius sniffles and turns to the other side of his bed and clutches a pillow to his chest. He takes a deep breath before doing something he hadn’t since the night Remus left - he cried into his pillow like a baby, cursing himself for his cowardice.

Teddy was right to question why he’d never told him, but Remus had always been far too precious to him. He’d never found the right time or the right reasons, and now he was fearing it was getting far too late. It was too late. 

Remus had his own life, his own kid - who was absolutely wonderful by the way. He knew Remus hadn’t dated since university, and was sure that it must be because he didn’t want to bring someone new into Teddy’s life. He couldn’t imagine it would ever be from a lack of options. He remembered the attention the quiet man had gotten back in university. The jealousy still bubbled up in his stomach every time he thought about it.

He couldn’t blame Remus for having his attention elsewhere. Right now Remus had everything he wanted - and Sirius would never mess that up for him.

Sirius clutches the pillow tighter, trying not to cry loudly enough that Teddy may hear it, though he was sure that was the paranoia talking. The walls were pretty thick to stand up to the Welsh weather, yet it felt like the cold always slipped in through the cracks.

It always felt colder when Remus wasn't there.

Sirius sniffles and whimpers Remus’s name into the pillow, wishing more than ever the other man was holding him close to his chest and soothing his tears. 

He missed his moony… and the worst part was, no matter how much Sirius wished it could be true, Remus wasn't even his. He would never be his - and it would always be his fault.

Chapter Text

“Can I help Grandma?” Teddy asks, rushing to her side as Sirius continues drawing on his sketchpad at the table. According to Hope, Remus passed on he was drawing again and she simply needed to see it. 

“It’s not much yet,” he’d admitted as Hope peered at the drawing.

“I disagree.” She put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “I think it has potential. Especially these two.” She points to the wolf and the dog with a smile.

“But those two are finished?” Hope winks with a motherly shrug and walks to turn on the stove. “Are you sure you don’t need my help?” Sirius asks as Teddy picks up a potato peeler. 

“No, no. Teddy and I have got it.” Hope makes a shooing motion. “Anyways, Lyall is waiting for you in the garage.” 

Sirius sighs, shutting his sketchpad. “If he’s making me work on off hours, I’m adding this to my overtime.” 

She laughs and shakes her head. “It’s not that. Now hurry out.”

Sirius reluctantly makes his way out to the garage without more protests. He knew Teddy wanted to prove he could be helpful with his grandmother and even though he was nervous giving a kid sharp objects, he put his faith in Hope’s capable hands. He slowly makes his way to the garage. 

He was hoping that when he woke up this morning that last night’s spiral would have disappeared. But when the sun streaming through his curtains woke him up the next morning, not only was it still there - but it felt like a fire was raging within him. He’d taken his temperature that morning to make sure he wasn’t getting sick. He considered looking up to see if ‘getting ill from realizing that your so-called crush on your best friend isn’t as gone as you may thought and it’s getting downright pitiful now so god please someone have an answer on how to drown myself because I really would like to.’ 

He had a small feeling that this may be too specific to get a result from Google. 

As he enters the garage he sees an old helmet on the workbench. Sirius cracks a smile. He’d sent Lyall a text this morning asking if he happened to have any of Remus’s old helmets from when he was a kid. He was hoping to take Teddy on a motorcycle ride for his birthday, like Hope suggested. James had been right about one thing, Teddy had him wrapped around his finger already. He’d just have to promise everyone at his party to secrecy…

“I found one,” Lyall says proudly, gesturing to the table. “It’s a bit old though, so we will need to fix it up a bit.”

“Do you think I could get started on painting it now?” Sirius asks hopefully. “We can fix the inside after. I mean, I know you volunteered to do that part, but I’d be happy to do it too...” Lyall laughs and shakes his head.

“No, no. God, you have not changed a bit since you were a teenager, have you?” Sirius blushes and looks back down at the helmet. He was right more than Sirius would like to currently admit. 

“Here’s some paint.” Lyall lifts it up onto the table with a smile. Before Sirius can say more, he hears a phone ring. Lyall takes it out of his pocket and smiles.

“One moment, I’ve got to take this.” He steps back into his office at the back of the garage and Sirius takes a deep breath before he begins opening the paints. 

He knew that Lyall had told him the helmet was in rough shape, but it must’ve been the padding on the inside that was more of the issue. The outside seemed almost new, if lacking a good clean, a new visor, and fresh coat of paint. Sirius starts running it under water when he realizes he’s missing some white paint. He didn’t need it that instant, but it would take a little bit for the sink to clean off the helmet. 

He begins wandering towards the back closet of the garage that held all the paints when he hears Lyall on the phone. He laughs loudly and Sirius pauses for a moment with the door to the supply closet slightly ajar, wondering what client would make him laugh like that.

“Well, you could always make it official and ask him, Rem. He’s a big hit with Teddy. I swear, if he wasn’t already in your life, Teds would be begging you to get down on one knee already.”

Oh fuck. 

Not a client - NOT a client.

And I’m evesdropping - FUCK!

In his panic, Sirius finds himself tripping over his feat and falling into the closet with a loud bang. Sirius looks up at the ceiling with the small dim light flickering above him and thoroughly debates all his life choices. 

“Alright over there?” Lyall calls and Sirius groans and covers his face. 

“Yeah, wanted to get some paint and tripped.” Sirius calls back. He hears Lyall laugh from the other room. He sighs, slowly rising to his feet and grabbing the white paint off the shelf. He quickly closes the supply closet and rushes back downstairs. 

He was sure he was going to have bruises later and sighs as he takes the helmet out of the sink and begins cleaning it off with paper towels. He supposed it didn’t exactly look like he was eavesdropping, and it wasn’t completely his intention. Maybe he could pass it off with Lyall if he just… didn’t mention it? 

“Do you think it would be better if it was white with black details or the opposite?” Sirius calls back to him as Lyall descends the stairs. 

“I think Teddy would like it more if it matched yours.” Sirius hums in agreement and takes out a large brush to do the base coat. 

“Don’t know why he would see me as a role model of all people, but I see your point.”

“Eh, like father, like son. Remus used to look up to you too.” Sirius snorts. 

“God, he shouldn’t have. I feel like all I did sometimes was get him into trouble.” Sirius dips it into the black paint and smiles to himself. Remus was right, it’d been too long since he'd last painted something…

“I think he described it as pulling himself out of his shell once to Hope. He said you’d make him better.”

“He did?” Sirius asks, looking back at Lyall over his shoulder, feeling his stomach flip. “I mean…” Sirius quickly returns his gaze to the helmet in front of him. “If anyone made someone better, I would’ve thought it was him with me. Doubt I would’ve gotten my shit together for uni if he hadn’t pushed me too among other things. I wasn’t exactly in the best headspace back then. He… well I guess he really did see me at my worst and still chose to put his faith in me.” Sirius shakes his head with a small smile. “For that I’m eternally grateful.” 

“He means a lot to you?” 

Sirius nearly scoffs. “Of course he does,” he responds instantly. “He always has.” Sirius pauses mid-stroke for a moment. “Does he think he doesn’t?” Sirius asks, worried that’s what they were discussing. 

“Oh no. This is for my own piece of mind.” Sirius’s brows settle in confusion.

“Okay? I mean if you’re worried about me corrupting him, I won’t let him on my bike ever again without a helmet.” Lyall laughs and the tension in the room shatters. Sirius smiles in relief. He hears Lyall’s phone buzz and Sirius smiles down at the base coat on the helmet. 

“Hope says dinner’s ready if you want to head back over.” 

“Sounds good. Think you can hide this from Teddy for a bit?” Sirius asks as Lyall washes his hands. 

“Yeah. He usually doesn’t come in here. I think he knows that we’ve been hiding his gifts here by now. He’s a smart kid.” Sirius nods, running the brush under the water as Lyall dries off. “By the way, did you ever tell Remus why you crashed your bike back when you were seventeen?” 

The brush slips from Sirius’s fingers and hits the metal sink with a clang. 

“What?” Sirius asks, a bit of a fearful surprise within his voice. Lyall shakes his head with a knowing smile.

“Just wondering.” Lyall winks at him before leaving the shop. Sirius blinks at him as he leaves, and feels his hands trembling slightly. He turns back around to the sink and grips the basin trying to steady himself as the water continues to rush out. 

He squeezes his eyes shut and grimaces to himself. 

Of course he hadn’t told Remus. He hadn’t told anyone - why would he when it wouldn’t have mattered anyway? 

He got distracted - that was all. It must’ve been. 

Why was Lyall Lupin acting like he knew differently? 

Did he know? 

Sirius takes a deep breath and shakes his head, trying to push the thoughts aside. It was him being a stupid teenager, nothing else. He should’ve been more careful. Should’ve kept his eyes on the road.

He looks back over at the helmet on the worktable and swallows hard, something twisting within his stomach. 

By the time Sirius is able to bring his hands up to the faucet, the warm water is running cold.

Chapter Text

“And how’s the picture coming along?” Remus asks. Sirius smiles looking down at his drawing. It’d become a small tradition in the past few days for Sirius and Remus to talk once his book events were done for the day. Usually this landed a bit later at night for Sirius than Remus. 

“Almost done actually.” Sirius says, pleased with his progress. “I’m pretty happy with it so far. For once. I know a miracle for me."

“That’s good to hear-”

“Of course I think I could do the eyes a bit better and I don’t know how I feel about the shading on Wormtail, but-”

“Sirius,” Remus laughs, “I’m sure it’s perfect.” 

“I…” Sirius swallows, feeling a warmth grow in his chest. “Thank you.”

“Course.”

“So… how's the book tour?” 

“It’s good. I just wrapped up my first event in Chicago.” Sirius smiles to himself. “There were so many people there, I was tempted to hide behind the podium.”

Sirius laughs. “And you deserve all of it and more.” 

Remus coughs heavily and Sirius feels his stomach twist in worry.

“Moons, have you been taking care of yourself?” 

“I… I’ve been trying.” 

Sirius sighs. “I’m sure you have, but if you want me to take Teddy off your hands for a few more days so you can recover, please let me know.”

“You’d be willing to do that?” Remus asks, sounding surprised. “I mean, I don’t think it will be necessary, but.”

“Of course. I want you to get better.”

“But, I thought…”

“Teddy’s winning me over,” Sirius admits with a small smile. “He really is a great kid, Remus. I swear if I met him years ago, I may have wanted one of my own.”

“Oh…” There’s a soft tenderness to Remus’s voice that makes his heart melt. “Sirius-” Before he can continue, Sirius hears someone call Remus’s name on the other end and a bit of rustling as Remus answers. “Sorry. My ride back to the hotel is here. I gotta go.”

“Oh, alright,” Sirius says softly, sad to have to hang up already.

“I’ll call you later, alright?”

“Promise?”

Remus chuckles. “Promise.” 

“Take your meds.”

“Yes, Pads.” Sirius can almost hear his eye roll. 

“I’m just a call away.” 

“I know.” Sirius closes his eyes letting Remus’s voice settle into his bones.

“Alright, I’ll let you go now. Bye, Moony.”

“Bye baby, I’ll talk to you soon.”

Before Sirius can respond, the call ends and he’s left staring at his sketchpad with wide eyes. 

Did… did he just..?

He quickly picks up his phone again and instead of dialing Remus again, clicks on the first person he could count on to have a worse sleep schedule than him.

“Killed him yet?” Regulus asks.

“No,” Sirius hears his voice tremble. “Reggie?”

“Yeah?” Regulus asks, sounding kind of worried. 

“What… what do you do if someone out of nowhere calls you baby?”

“And who would this someone be?” Regulus asks. 

“Remus?” There’s silence on the other end for a moment before Sirius hears the sound of a book shutting and a long sigh. 

“And it was out of nowhere?”

“Completely. I just… I was telling him to take his meds, and stuff and then he said bye baby and…”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“I… confused? Warm? I…” Sirius blinks quickly and steadies himself. "Why are you acting like my therapist?”

“Because I think you’re freaked out right now, and I’m trying to figure out where you stand on your feelings here. After all, you’ve been in denial about the Remus thing for how many years now? So now that you know that may have been an accidental, but somewhat intentional slip, I want to know how you feel about that.”

“I…” Sirius swallows hard and sighs. “I want him to say it again.” He grimaces, waiting for the ‘I told you so’ and the cries of victory from the other line. Instead he gets quiet before Regulus gently asks. 

“To you?”

“Yes,” Sirius responds quickly. “Oh god, that’s horrible.”

“No it isn’t.”

“Yes it is! Him-him and Teddy have this system - and I’m sure there’s no way he meant it - because why on earth would he mean it?”

“Grand frère. Respirer.” Breathe. Right. Yeah. He could do that. “You don’t think Remus would mean he’s in love with you?”

“I wouldn’t want to take him away from Teddy. I wouldn’t want Teddy to think I’m trying to steal him from him - or to put a divide between them. I mean, Remus hasn’t dated since like uni - and even then those barely lasted.”

“Why do you think that may be, Sirius?” Sirius pauses, and then reads between the lines. 

“Do-do you really think that he may have been waiting for..?”

“Maybe. I mean, the only way to know is to ask and you don’t seem comfortable taking that step yet. Which is fine, by the way, don’t rush into things you’re still figuring out. My real question is, why do you think he couldn’t love you?”

“I…”

“People can love you, Sirius. People can love me too. We are damaged, maybe even a little broken, but that doesn’t make either of us unlovable.”

“You’ve spent time with Euphemia recently, haven’t you?” Regulus snickers a little. 

“She insists I visit her every once in a while since I don’t live far - and she does make the best biscuits in the entire London area.”

“She does,” Sirius agrees. 

“But what I’m saying is… Look into your feelings a bit more. Sit with them. It… seems to be a shock to you.” Sirius sighs.

“Clearly not to you,” he grumbles. 

“Well, I’ve been picking on you, but I kinda expected it was something you were trying to move on from. I didn’t realize it was something that never faded.”

“I thought it had,” Sirius admits. 

“I see.” Before Regulus can continue, Sirius hears footsteps walking around the upstairs hallway. 

“Hey, I think Teddy needs something, so I’m gonna go. But, uh, thank you for picking up. I know you’re busy and this probably wasn’t on your agenda tonight.” Regulus snorts.

“I’m always busy. I do try to make time for you, you know. Anyways this was much better than the book I was reading, and you’re welcome.” Sirius smiles with a bit of an eye roll as he puts the phone down. 

“What do you need Teds?” Sirius asks, walking over from the kitchen table to the stairs.

“Light bulb is dead in the lamp next to my bed and I was in the middle of a chapter.” He admits sheepishly. Sirius chuckles and shakes his head. 

“Don’t you have school tomorrow?” Teddy shrugs and Sirius laughs. He walks up the stairs and grabs one from the closet. 

“Come on bud.” He puts a hand on his shoulders and guides him back to bed. 

“Finish this chapter, alright? But you should get some sleep after. It’ll be harder to focus if you don’t,” Sirius advises as he screws in the lightbulb. 

“Fine,” Teddy agrees. Sirius flicks the light back on and smiles.

“There we go.” 

He walks to the door as Teddy gets back into bed. 

“Pads?” Teddy asks and Sirius looks back in the doorframe.

“Yeah, bud?” 

“Do you think Dad will find someone over there?” Teddy asks, sounding a bit worried. Sirius shrugs, hoping it looks nonchalant. 

“I haven’t heard anything of the sort from him, but… I do hope he finds someone. Ideally a little closer to home though, for both of your sakes. Long distance is no fun.” Teddy nods, his anxieties seemed a little eased by this.

“Okay, I just don’t want him to forget about me.” 

“He could never,” Sirius reassures him. “I promise. You’re irreplaceable.” Teddy smiles a little. 

“Thanks, Pads.”

“Of course. I’m just down the hall if you need anything.”

“Mhmm, night.” 

“Good night.” 

Sirius shuts the door and leans against it for a moment, steadying himself. He takes a deep breath and sighs. The distance between him and Remus was clawing at his heart and opening old scars, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with it. He didn’t want to do it alone.

I hope he does find someone, Teds. But God, how much do I want it to be me.

Chapter Text

“Pads?” Teddy asks, peaking over at him from his computer screen.

“Yeah?” Sirius looks up from where he’s put his finished sketch on the wall. 

“Can you help me with my homework?” 

“Depends what it is. If it’s an essay, your father’s better. If it’s math I’m calling Uncle Wormtail.” 

“No,” Teddy laughs. “I’m supposed to interview a parent or guardian and then do a write up on them.”

“Oh, I see. Don’t you want to wait for your dad for that?” Sirius asks, turning on the water to clean up the dishes.

“It’s too early over there to call Dad,” Teddy reminds him. Sirius eyes the clock and reluctantly sighs.

“Alright, what are the questions bud?” 

“Relation to me?” Teddy begins.

“Uncle through friendship not blood.” He hears Teddy type that on his laptop with a slight snicker.

“What did you want to be when you grew up? Or at my age or something like that?” 

“Vet.” Sirius puts one of the plates aside. 

“Really? Did you go to uni for it?” 

“Oh god no. It never got that far. I loved animals when I was younger. Still do, but. I think it was after I gave your dad a picture of ‘Moony’ as a birthday gift, that your other uncles got upset at me and insisted that they also have animal themed nicknames. Later, I realized that vets had to put the animals down and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that. So that was off the table.”

“What did you go to uni for?”

“Originally? Business, like James’s dad, but I switched into the art school not long after. I don’t think I even finished my freshman year as one.” Sirius places the last plate aside as Teddy types a bit more.

“What was your family like?” Sirius squeezes the sponge so hard soap suds rush onto his hand. He takes a deep breath and puts the cup down he was going to watch.

“The one that brought me into this world or my real one?” Sirius asks. 

“Hmm, maybe both?” Teddy asks and Sirius takes a deep breath.

“Let’s start with my real one. After I got disowned at sixteen, I started going home with James’s family. They basically adopted me. I’m sure there was some legal work they did behind the scenes, but they would never tell me that.” Sirius takes a deep breath. “Not like my parents would ever want to contact me anyways… The Potters taught me what a proper family would be like. How love should work. They allowed me to be myself for the first time in my life. It was freeing, but also kind of terrifying.” 

Sirius looks over his shoulder. “Sometimes the people who are your family aren’t always the one who put you in this world, but the ones that make you want to remain in it.” Teddy nods and writes stuff down. 

“Why did you get disowned?”

“Gay. Well that was the final straw. My family was… well they were very abusive.” Teddy pauses and looks back up. “Everything your teachers or your books have taught about abusive parents they probably did. They used to encourage competition between me and my brother Regulus.” He swallows hard. “Which meant whoever got the lower grade on tests got… punished let's go with. I used to mess up answers on purpose so they wouldn’t do it to Regulus. Neither of us were in a good place when we finally left that house. Pandora saved him… your dad saved me.” Sirius looks over his shoulder with a sad smile. “You're lucky. Your dad is an incredible father.”

“Oh… god,” Teddy says softly. “That’s horrible.” 

“Sorry, I… I shouldn’t have talked about it. I… I usually don’t.” 

“It’s fine, umm.” He can tell he’s frazzled the poor boy and the guilt eats away at him. 

“Do you have any more surface level questions?” Sirius asks with an awkward laugh. 

“Well, they ask if you have a partner. To my knowledge the answer is no.” Sirius nods. “Where you work - my grandpa’s shop… and then I have to talk about why they’re a role model to me.” Sirius sighs. 

“You’d have to ask your dad that one. I fear I’m not someone to look up to.” Teddy looks up sadly at him.

“I umm…the one question not in the prompt - what’s your favorite color to paint with?” He asks and Sirius pauses.

“Blue has a lot of different shades, so that’s probably the basic answer. The real answer is brown.”

“Really?” Teddy asks and Sirius smiles a little. 

“A very specific kind of brown. I’ll show you sometime, yeah?” Teddy nods. 

“Alright, I’ve got some fine tuning to do on the bike so I’ll be outside for a few minutes. Just call if you need me.” 

Teddy nods and looks focused back on the screen, but he can tell something’s still bothering him. This time, he knew he didn’t have to question how that frown got there. He was to blame.

He grabs the edge of his work bench and tries not to scream as he picks up his phone. Teddy was right, it was too early to call Remus. Regulus was probably still working, but…

“James?” Sirius asks when he picks up.

“Hmm?” James says over the other line and Sirius feels the tears welling up in his own eyes. 

“What is it about kids that makes you need to be honest with them?”

“What happened?”

“Teddy had a project. He… he asked about my family and I couldn’t lie and.” Sirius grimaces and takes a deep breath. 

“Okay, this is triggering you. Call Remus, he can calm you down better than I can-”

“-I can’t! He’s busy!”

“He’ll make time for you, Pads. You know he will.”

“I can’t we... We haven't talked about it. God, I’m such a fucking coward!” 

“Sirius, breathe.” Sirius tries to take deep breaths and chokes out a sob. “What happened with Remus?”

“He… he called me baby a few nights ago. I haven’t had the courage to call him since. I don’t know why he did it and I’m scared to ask.”

“Oh… so you don’t want him to-”

“Of course I do! But I’m a fucking failure with his kid. I was doing semi-okay, but now I’ve accidentally trauma dumped on him.”

“I’m sure you didn’t.”

“I told him about the friendly Black competition and the consequences.”

James hisses. “I mean you could’ve told him about the time you showed up beaten half to death at my doorstep and my mother asked if you got attacked by bears.” 

Sirius shivers. “I’d rather not. If I hadn’t bought the bike I don’t know how…” 

“To this day, I don’t know how you didn’t crash it with those injuries.”

“I did.” Sirius hears James take a deep breath.

“Not then… but you didn’t corrupt him. You did tell him the truth, and I’m sure it wasn’t in gruesome detail. May have made his project interesting, you know.” Sirius rolls his eyes, swiping some tears from his cheeks.

“Now. Let’s talk about the Remus thing.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Too bad.” Sirius huffs out a small laugh.

“Look, I was under the impression that you’d never admit it - but he’s calling you baby now?”

“I… It’s no use, Prongs. I think he did it by accident or something. We haven’t really talked since…” Sirius runs his finger along the wood of his work bench, shuffling back and forth on his feet.

“Well you should.”

“And say what? Oh hey, I know you have this entire perfect life you’ve set up. Let me barge in there and destroy all of it.”

“Sirius. You wouldn’t be,” James says, sounding upset.

“How are you so sure?”

“You didn’t mess up my life when you came into it. You gave me a brother. I’d always wanted a sibling… and yeah, things changed, but they were so much better. I wasn’t alone anymore…” Sirius feels his eyes well up with tears. “I just… I don’t want to hear you talk like that. I feel like you’re letting them win when you do.” 

Sirius grimaces, knowing exactly who the them were. 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t bring myself to. I…Maybe I was right, I’m not cut out for parenthood. Remus needs someone who is.”

James sighs. “I still think you should talk to him.”

“I should’ve talked to him for years.”

“My point exactly.” Sirius pinches his nose and grimaces. “Listen, maybe not yet. I know how rash the both of us can be, so don’t act on these feelings just yet. Breathe. Sleep on it. It’ll be okay. Teddy’s pretty great, you know.” 

“Yeah. I’m so glad Remus has given him such a beautiful childhood. He deserves the world. I’m sure you’re going to do the same with Harry.” 

“Thanks.” He hears a slight crack in his voice and starts to get choked up.

“Oh god, don’t cry. I’m gonna start crying again!”

“Sorry!” James laughs a little and Sirius does too. “Now go rest tonight. It’ll be alright. You and Teddy will be fine.”

“James?” 

“Yes.”

“Do you think I’m cut out for this? Like - parenthood, I mean.” 

“I think the only one who can truly answer that is you.” Sirius sighs. “I know what my opinion is, but at the end of the day, that is your decision. Do you want kids?”

“I… I’m not sure. I thought… but… I…”

“Just think about it. You don’t have to know. You don’t need to have all the answers yet, Sirius. Hell, you never have to find out. You can just be a present uncle in Teddy and Harry’s lives.” 

“But I want…”

“You want what?”

Remus. I want to be a good parent for Teddy and an even better partner for Remus. I just keep on falling short… Somehow I keep failing them both.

The words catch in his throat. Sirius sighs. 

“I don’t know. I feel like I keep messing up, that's all.”

“Well, you learn as you go - and you haven’t killed him.”

“Yet. I told Lily when you two visited I still have time.” 

James chuckles. “Please continue to take care of yourself, alright?”

“I’ll try.”

They say goodbye and Sirius sighs, resting his head against the wood of his workbench. He runs his finger over it again, smiling sadly to himself.

It was brown. 

He loved brown.

Brown, like Remus’s favorite jacket in uni that was very worn in at this point, but he refused to stop wearing it. Brown, like the coffee Remus used to leave for Sirius every morning when he took early shifts at the local bookstore. Brown, like the blanket he used to throw over Sirius when he fell asleep at his desk while studying. Brown, like the most intoxicating eyes he’d ever seen. 

They were honey kissed and no matter how many times he tried to replicate them back in school, he’d always fallen short. 

After all, who could ever capture the beauty of Remus Lupin?

Who could ever contain someone like him?

No one could ever be good enough to deserve someone like Remus. 

He doubted he’d ever reach that pinnacle. 

What was that his mother used to call him? 

Ah, yes, a-

Sirius sighs to himself pushing those thoughts aside. He lifts himself up and walks over to his bike.

Chapter Text

When Sirius pulls up to the shop, he’s surprised to see a note on the front door and all the lights off. He knew that Lyall knew he was supposed to be late today because he had to drop Teddy off, and he’d taken a minute to stop back at home to switch to the bike so he could get to the shop faster, but he wasn’t expecting the lights to be out. 

He kicks the stand down for his bike and turns off the engine before walking up to look at the note. 

“Sirius,

Took Hope to get checked out for some breathing issues this morning.

I replaced the padding in the helmet. Visor is on the way. It should be here by tomorrow. Feel free to work on the painting a bit more.

I left the spare key, you know where it is.

Best,

Lyall”

Sirius smiles to himself, but hesitates before going to get the spare key. 

Should he tell Remus about his mom? 

He pushes the thought aside knowing that Lyall would absolutely tell his son if it was serious, and he didn’t want to unnecessarily worry him while he was focused on his tour. 

He unlocks the door and steps into the office, turning the overhead lights on. He looks around and sees tools still left out. A sinking feeling starts to settle in his gut. 

Lyall Lupin never left his tools out. He’d lectured Sirius about it plenty of times when he was fresh out of college, since Sirius was pretty forgetful. The risk of stealing was too high and it would take a while to get back the tools in the quality they wanted. For Lyall to violate his own rules, left Sirius with a bad feeling in his mouth. 

He must’ve left early this morning…

He forces himself to walk to the helmet, knowing at the end of the day it was his boss's personal family business, but deep down he felt a twist in his stomach. 

They were his family too. It may be his business, but they were all he had. They were the family he’d longed to be a part of when he was younger. He loved the Potters, but there was something about the Lupins that always felt like home. 

Remus felt like home.

As if on cue, his phone starts ringing. He quickly picks it up, a hopeful feeling in his chest.

“Remus?” Sirius asks. 

“No… It’s Wormtail. I-I mean if you’re expecting Remus to call you- I can call you back!” Peter hurries out.

“No-it’s fine.” Sirius takes a deep breath. “I’m not…I just…”

“You were hoping he’d call you?”

“A little yeah, but it’s much too early over there for him to call… It’s what… four in the morning?”

“3am - wait - fuck. That’s if I’m calculating from London. I forgot there’s a time change here…” 

“After being there a week and a half?” Sirius teases. 

“Shut up. Maybe that’s a good thing. I won’t be late for Teddy’s party in…”

“Two days.” Sirius laughs. “Oh my god. You really are frazzled - and you’re the one of us who is good with those details. What’s wrong?” 

Peter sighs. “Is it that obvious?”

“That’s something’s wrong?” Sirius asks, setting up his phone and beginning to paint white details onto the helmet. 

“Yes. I-I’ve been trying to act like I’m not freaking out - but I think she’s onto me. She looked at me like I was crazy when I asked her if she wanted to get her nails done. Said the Parisian women would kill her. She was already getting odd looks while we were walking around earlier.”

“Well, Parisian women are brutal, and Sybil has an interesting sense of style.” Peter sighs. 

“I know, but she always looks so good. I don’t know how she makes plaid look like god’s gift.”

“I think that would be called rose-colored glasses, mate.”

“If you say so…” 

Sirius rolls his eyes to himself with a smile. “So what’s wrong? Why’d you call me?”

“Well, you’re the romantic of the friend group-” Sirius scoffs. 

“Me? Wormy, if you haven’t noticed, I’m very single - James has a wife, and Remus literally wrote a romance novel.”

“Oh hush, I know you’re a romantic at heart and…Well, I need your help.” Sirius is about to protest, when Peter continues. “When do you know?”

“Hmm?”

“When do you know it’s time to… to tell someone how much you love them?”

Sirius’s breath sucks in and he puts his brush down. “Oh shit. Wormy, are you proposing?” 

He takes a deep breath. “If all goes to plan. I have a restaurant reservation and everything, but I’m…”

“You’re having second thoughts?”

“Pads, I’m terrified! This is a big deal!”

“You and Sybil have been dating for three years. I don’t think you can doubt she loves you too, mate.” 

He hears Peter make a slight groaning noise. “I know, but… Is this the right time?”

“Peter, if you love her, it is.”

“I just…” 

“Let’s break it down to basics,” Sirius says, reminding himself of when they were back in school together. “You want to get married.” 

Peter takes a deep breath. “Yes.”

“You’ve been in love with her for?”

“A lot longer than I’d like to admit,” Peter says with a chuckle and Sirius can almost see the way he anxiously runs his fingers through his hair. 

“And you want to marry her at some point?”

“Yes,” Peter says, slightly breathless. 

“I mean, Prongs, Moony and I were joking about her coming back with a ring on her finger. You did take her to the most romantic city in the world.”

“Yes, but this was for work, and I knew she always wanted to see it. I snuck the ring in my suitcase - I don’t know how she didn’t see it, by the way. But that was just in case I wanted to… Sirius, I think I want to.” 

Sirius feels his eyes tear up and takes a deep breath to steady himself. “I know… I know you want to.” 

Peter laughs slightly. “God, do you ever feel like you have so much love inside you that it’s just going to burst if you don’t say anything?” 

Yes.

Sirius swallows hard and nods, even though he knows Peter can’t see him. “Yes.” He laughs slightly. “It’s been… I’ve had a lot to think about recently.”

“Oh? Do you want to talk about it? I mean I did just ramble to you about my own problems. It’s the least I can do to offer my ear.”

“I-” Sirius is cut off by the sound of a door shutting and a light voice calling Peter’s name. He can hear the lovesick sigh over the phone. 

“Go. Enjoy tonight. Don’t worry about me,” Sirius attempts to assure him.

“Easier said than done,” Peter admits. “And what if she says no?” He asks under his breath.

“Not gonna happen. Bye Wormy. Good luck. You’ll do great. Just - speak to her like you were to me. Let that love burst out of you.” 

“Alright. I’ll try. Bye, Pads.”

“You’ll do great. Bye, Wormy.” Sirius reaches over to hang up when he pauses hearing a gasp.

“Oh wow…” He hears Peter say softly.

“Stop it. You’re flattering me too much,” he hears Sybil say. He can almost see her smile from Wales. Sirius smiles to himself. 

“I’m not. You look beautiful, love.”

“Oh stop it.”

“Never. Ready to go?” 

Sirius presses the hang up button and looks up at the ceiling. He takes a deep breath and looks over at the helmet. 

When do you know?

Peter’s question bounces in his head and he looks down at the helmet before him. He’d painted over the black base coat a small white wolf paw print with the words ‘Pup’ on the side, like where he put Moony and Padfoot when he and Remus were teenagers. 

He feels himself tear up again and quickly goes into his music on his phone and clicks play. 

He nearly laughs at the song that starts blaring over his speakers.

You meant more to me, 

Then I let you see.

You held on, somehow. 

All your tenderness - 

and your sweet caress - 

I miss you now.

And a headstrong stubborn man, 

Only works it out best he can.

Valentines he never sent. 

There’s not enough time,

He’s a working man.

Yeah… they were right. He should’ve told him.

Sirius looks back down at the helmet and lets the tears start to pour down. 

He knew. He wanted this. He wanted this kid in his life. He wanted kids. He wanted someone to share his life with. He was tired of being alone, especially when all he ever wanted was right in front of him. He wanted them both in his life - preferably forever if he could get that lucky. 

Sirius grips the table and takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. 

Can’t stop fallin’, 

Heartaches callin’.

Finds you after the fall. 

Saints or sinners, 

Take no prisoners.

What’s left after you fall?

No, not much, no.

It was strange. It was as if this babysitting shifted his entire world off his axis. Yet, he still felt the same. 

He was still Sirius Black. When he looked in the mirror he still saw the same striking silver eyes, dark long hair and high cheekbones he always did. Yet, his mind was altering, he could feel parts of his insides rearranging, making space for something he’d previously been too terrified to even consider.

It was as if the drawer of repressed memories in his mind came tumbling out on the floor and, for once in his life, Sirius stopped trying to scramble to pick up the pieces and shove them back in the overflowing space. Instead, he looked at what lay on the floor. 

It was hard - and sometimes he found himself shoving memories back in the box as fast as he could - but it wasn’t like before. He felt himself waiting by the drawer, taking a deep breath to prepare himself for what he’d see, and then slowly opening it up again. 

He knew the process wouldn’t happen overnight, but he could tell something was different. It depended on the day if it was a good difference or not, but since his breakdown a few nights ago, he’d found he couldn’t shut the door on all those memories again. It was jammed, and although it was painful enough he’d called off of work the next day to take a breather and recollect his thoughts, he was taking his best shot at actually addressing them. 

The Remus-feelings-thing was still difficult to wrap his head around. It was one of the things deeper in the drawer that exploded out all at once and Sirius was still making sense of it while combing through the memories.

Remember when you went to wipe that ice cream off of Remus’s face in secondary school and you let your hand linger there?

Remember when Remus introduced you to his girlfriend in your freshman year of uni before the gang was supposed to go out to that pub and you felt so overwhelmingly sick at the sight you went to the bathroom and vomited? 

Remember how Remus came in to comfort you after? Do you remember how you rushed to apologize and he just sushed you and told you it was alright and you should rest? He insisted on making you soup before you left. 

Remember how she broke up with him the next day? 

Remember when Remus first moved out and you almost grabbed his arm and begged him to stay? Literally begged him. You wanted to get on your knees, Sirius.

And when he did leave, you couldn’t stop crying, but refused to call him because you didn’t know what to say or why you were so heartbroken?

Sirius grimaces and takes a deep breath. 

Yes. He remembered. 

Remember when Andy had her daughter and how you were so scared to meet her, but then she ran up to you with so much force you toppled over onto the driveway? Remember how she teared up as you sat there in shock at being completely blind-sided by a seven year old and she wouldn’t stop apologizing until you burst out laughing and hugged her tightly and told her it was okay?

Remember when you first met Teddy? 

How he hid behind his dad’s pant leg and shyly looked up at you? Do you remember bending down to his height and introducing yourself as his Uncle Padfoot? Remember how you promised you weren’t going to hurt him, that you were a friend? He ran into your arms. 

Remember how you promised from that night on to yourself that you’d protect him for the rest of your life?

Remember how then afterwards you tried to convince yourself you didn’t want kids?

Sirius takes a deep breath trying to keep himself from being overwhelmed. The drawer was open, and he couldn’t close it again. 

He picks up his phone and dials Remus’s number. 

It goes to voicemail and he sighs in relief. 

“Thank god you didn’t pick up. I do want you to be sleeping right now,” Sirius begins after the tone. He takes a deep breath, realizing his voice sounds shaky. “I-I’m sorry I’ve been so busy, and I haven’t been returning your calls, or texts. I.. truth is that I kinda accidentally opened a Pandora's box of repressed memories recently and sorting through them and the feelings that come with them has been… a lot. I don’t want you to think that I’m mad at you for anything - or I don’t miss you. I do. A lot. It’s just, I know it’s something I have to work through on my own. I know you’re busy too, and you don’t have to call me back any time soon if you can’t - or… send me any more texts for now if you’re mad at me. I understand.” 

Sirius runs his finger over the wood of the workbench before continuing. He smiles sadly looking at the color.

"I want you to know that I set up Teddy’s party for you. It’s gonna be at my place, since I don’t want to trash yours for when you get back home…When are you getting home by the way? I know you said you had four days left, but Teddy was hoping to have you there. Thirteen is a big number, as he keeps reminding me. If you can’t though, I’m sure we can surprise him with a zoom call or something if you’re up for it.” 

Sirius takes a deep breath again. “Look, I know my time is almost up, but… please continue taking care of yourself. I would hate to see you overworking yourself. Your new novel draft can wait a few more days. Please use the bath salts, I know you think they're expensive, but I-I would buy them for you again in a heartbeat if you run out. If you don’t tell me, I’m sure I could get Teddy too. That is a threat.” 

He laughs slightly. “On that note. Rest well. Smack your tour manager if he’s overworking you for me, and just… try to enjoy the moment. I know how you get stressed about the little details, but remember to breathe.” He reminds himself to as well. 

“Goodnight Moony, I-” He hears a beeping sound as he continues his sentence into the silence of the shop before his music fills it again.

“I love you.”

Should’ve told you then I knew. 

Should’ve told you right from the start, yeah.

But the words didn’t come out right.

So I’ll tell you straight from my heart.

Chapter Text

“Alright kid, put your jacket on,” Sirius encourages him as he slips on his own.

“What? Why?” Teddy asks, with the freezer door open. 

“Because ice cream can fix a lot of problems, but not all of them.” Teddy grumbles at this, but reluctantly follows him.

“Where are we going?” Teddy asks, sliding into the passenger seat.

“Well I wouldn’t be the cool uncle if I didn’t take you on at least one late night adventure, right?” Teddy cracks a smile. 

After they’ve been driving for a bit, Teddy breaks the silence. “I wanted to apologize by the way.”

“About what?” Sirius asks, trying to keep his eyes on the road as they get onto the dark winding roads Remus and Sirius used to ride around on when he was staying over with the Lupins. 

“For… asking you those questions. I didn’t know all that happened to you. I looked it up later.” 

Sirius grimaces. The trial… he forgot how many articles went out about it. It was probably relatively easy to find if you looked up his parents. It wasn’t like Sirius Black was exactly a common name, and his family was well known at one point in time.

“You sanitized it a little,” Teddy admits.

“I…” Sirius takes a deep breath. “I can’t even imagine what you found, and for that I am truly sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to read any of those articles, so I can’t tell you how much they fabricated.”

“Well I assume the BBC isn’t a source as prone to lying as a gossip column.”

“Jesus Christ we made it all the way to the BBC…” Sirius mutters. He wants to bang his head against the wheel at a stop sign, but instead takes a deep breath. "You’re still young, and trust me… I’m not sure even your father even knows the finer details of everything that happened in that place.”

“Maybe you should tell him about that, then. Probably not right away, but…Since you keep telling me to talk to him, maybe you should take your own advice.” 

Sirius laughs. “You’ll learn something about me quickly, bud. I’m great at giving advice, and horrible at following it.” 

Teddy laughs as well as Sirius pulls over on the side of the road. They hop out and Sirius locks the car behind him.

Teddy takes a quick survey around before turning and asking. “Are you going to kill me?”

“What?” Sirius asks with a surprised laugh. 

“Pads, we’re in the middle of nowhere.” 

Sirius shakes his head with a smile. “No. I’m not. This is the best place to see them.”

“See… them? Owls?” 

“You’ll see.” Sirius puts a hand on his shoulder and leads him towards the clearing that he and Remus discovered one night the year before they went to university.

“Sirius! Slow down!” Remus laughed.

“Chicken?” Sirius asked over his shoulder, grinning to himself at being able to thrill Moony like this.

“No!” Remus yelled above the wind. “I just don’t want us to crash again like last summer.” At that, Sirius instantly starts slowing down and reminds himself to focus on the road. “Also we’ll never find a stargazing spot if you keep speeding past all the good areas.” Sirius rolled his eyes, but almost slammed on the breaks when Remus gasped. 

“SIRIUS!” 

“WHAT? WHAT?” Sirius asked, wildly looking around. 

“Over there!” Sirius followed Remus’s finger to see a clearing on the other side of the road.

“Jesus, don’t yell like that! I thought I was gonna get us killed.” 

“Sorry,” Remus said sheepishly, as Sirius turned the bike around and pulled it over. 

He turns the engine off and flips down the kickstand. He pulled his helmet off and put it in the back basket. He looked over at Moony who had taken his own off as well. He shook his head to ruffle his curls back out before putting his helmet next to Sirius’s in the basket. Remus looks over at him. 

“Come on!” He laughed, pulling Sirius out of his frozen state by tugging him by the wrist down into the clearing. 

“Oh this is perfect.” Remus said, spinning around in a slow circle.

"You’re perfect,” a small voice within Sirius’s mind spoke, but he pushed it aside.

Remus pulls him down to lay down next to him on the grass and sighs.“Look! There’s the Big Dipper!” 

“And there’s Lupus,” Sirius pointed out. 

Remus smiled. “Yeah…” 

Sirius closed his eyes as he felt Remus’s pinky finger wrap around his own. 

“You can’t stargaze if you close your eyes, you know.” Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus’s gaze locked on him with this soft look in his eyes. Sirius couldn't help but smile back before looking back up at the sky. 

“I know. I wanted to take this moment in. We’re going to university in the city soon. I don’t know how long I’ll have this.”

“You’ll have me,” Remus suggested and Sirius turned so he was facing him. “Though I know I’m a poor substitute for this.” He gestured at the sky and turned to face Sirius. 

Sirius shook his head. “No, I don’t think I’ll miss it too much if you’re there.”

“Oh? How come?” Remus asked. It seemed slightly teasing, but also as if there was a buried question there that Sirius couldn’t seem to put his finger on. 

“Because,” Sirius looked into his eyes with a smile. “My guiding star is right here.” He leans over to poke Remus’s chest. 

Remus rolled his eyes and moved back onto his back. “Dork.” 

“Yes, but an honest one.” 

“I know. It's one of my favorite things about you.” 

Usually Sirius would take this opportunity to poke and prod for more compliments, but he lets it fade into the night air. He focuses instead on Remus’s finger slipping back to hold onto his and lets his touch anchor him back to the world.

“Wow, the stars are pretty bright here,” Teddy admits.

“Yeah. We just missed Canis Major in the sky, but you can see Lupus peaking out right there.” 

“Lupus? Like my last name?”

“Yeah. It’s the wolf constellation.” Sirius explains. “It’s nice because it’s at its peak in June, which meant that whenever I went away for summer holidays in secondary school or uni, I could look up at the sky and see one of my best friends in the world there. It alleviated the missing-him-ache.”

“Have you looked for it while Dad’s been in America?” Teddy asks curiously. Sirius shakes his head with a sad smile, wondering if he should admit his shame to a twelve year old. 

“Every night,” he says softly. 

“Oh…” Teddy says softly and Sirius looks over to see him looking at the stars with a bit of an awestruck look. 

“You wondered what helped me get through all those nights back at home?” Teddy makes an affirmative noise. “This,” Sirius says softly, “Looking up at the night sky and letting the vastness of the universe seep in. There’s an entire world out there I’d yet to see - that I’ve still yet to see. I wanted to make it to the point where I could see it.” He looks towards Teddy with a smile. “I’ll admit, your dad helped a lot with it too… He was my anchor back to the world.”

“He’s like that for me too," Teddy admits softly.

“Mhmm. It must be his personality.” Teddy laughs softly and Sirius smiles. “You’re like him a lot, you know? I know I said that you looked like him when I first picked you up, but - you’re so utterly him.”

“I am?” Teddy asks, looking over to meet Sirius’s eyes. 

“Yeah. The studious attitude, caring heart - even that rebellious spark your grandparents claim isn’t him?” Sirius shakes his head with a grin. “They don’t know him like I do. That man could be a menace when he wanted to be. I’m sure he still is.” Sirius looks back over at him. “I can only imagine how proud he is of you every day.”

“Are you sure?” Teddy asks, his voice sounding small as he gazes up at the stars. 

“Yes, of course.” Sirius laughs slightly. “God, you should see the way his eyes light up when he talks about you. I know you’re growing up, but you are still his boy. As cliché as it sounds, you’re his pride and joy.” He looks over hearing Teddy take a shaky breath. 

“I… I want to make him proud. I’m worried I’m not some days. I feel like… like I’m not doing enough. There’s something more I need to do to get his approval.” Sirius feels his heart ache in his chest.

“Oh Teds, as cheesy as it sounds, I don’t think you could ever let your dad down.” He hears a sniffle next to him. “Come here,” Sirius gently coaxes. Teddy moves into his arms and Sirius holds him tightly. 

“I miss him,” Teddy whimpers and Sirius rubs his back gently.

“I know, I miss him too.” 

“Really?”

“Oh yeah,” Sirius admits. “You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but it never truly gets easier.”

“How do you deal with it?” Teddy asks with a sniffle. 

“I look up at that Lupus constellation, close my eyes tightly, and imagine for a moment I’m right back here, and your dad’s next to me and we’re laughing like old times. Sounds pathetic, but every time I look up and see those stars… it makes me feel as if he’s not that far away after all.” 

“I want him to come home.” 

Sirius rubs his back. “I know, Pup, I know.”

“Pup?” Teddy asks.

“Yeah, sorry. I was thinking of a nickname for you and thought of that. It’s kinda like a wolf pup. Since you’re your dad’s kid.”

“Oh…” He sees Teddy smile on his chest. 

“Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah. Now I’m in the animal club too.” 

“So you are.” 

“I’ve gotta tell Uncle Prongs and Uncle Wormtail.” 

Sirius chuckles and looks up at the sky at the stars above them, wishing that Remus was beside them both. That he’d wrap his arms around them and hold them close. Then, for a moment, Sirius knows he’d feel at peace.

***

After making sure Teddy is asleep Sirius checks his phone. His heart skips a beat seeing a missed voicemail from Remus. 

“Hey Sirius,” Sirius closes his eyes, leaning against the door of his room and letting out a deep breath. God, he loved how Remus said his name. 

“Sorry, I must’ve missed you. I wanted to say I got your voicemail last night. Don’t worry, I’m sure Teddy’s keeping you busy. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I… I'm worried about you.” 

“Remus,” Sirius whispers into the night air, wishing for the second time that night that he was beside him. 

“I… please text me if the memories get too much and you need to talk about it. I know I’m not there, and god you have no idea how much I want to be, but I… I still want to be there for you in any way I can. I… I’m gonna be busy for the next few days, but I do really want to make it to Teddy’s party. I’m going to see if I can move some stuff around, but I don’t know what I’ll be able to do. Once again, wish you were there to rip my tour manager a new one, but he does seem to understand. He’s letting me step out to make this call.” Sirius cracks a smile. 

“I am doing my best to take care of myself. I’m feeling better since we last called. I don’t know what’s in those bath salts, but it’s helping more than I thought it would.”

“Good,” Sirius whispers, even though he knows Remus can’t hear him.

“Please, tell Teddy I love him when you can. We also keep missing each other, and I’m worried he’ll think I’ve forgotten about him. I know that’s probably me just being nervous, but I haven’t seen my son in more than a week. I’m usually never away this long. I think I’m anxious to get home and see everyone again. This tour has been amazing, but it’s really getting draining and I’ve found myself searching the crowd for familiar faces. I guess you could say I’m a bit homesick… yesterday I thought someone in the crowd was you for a moment… I was fairly disappointed when I learned it was in fact another bloke with long dark hair.” Sirius chuckles to himself. “But, I know my time is almost up, so… Goodnight, Sirius.” Sirius again…

“I… I’ll see you soon.” 

The voicemail ends and Sirius has to stop himself from playing it back again to hear Remus’s voice all over again. 

It sounded like for a moment that he was about to say something else in the end, but Sirius pushes down that hope. It was silly. He was sure Remus couldn’t feel the same way about him… but he did practically admit he was scanning the crowds at his book events looking for him…

Sirius gets beneath the covers, taking the towel off of his hair and laying it on his nightstand with a sigh. 

“I miss you, Remus,” he whispers to the darkness of his room and closes his eyes tightly, trying to block out the deep longing feeling begging to swallow him whole. Before he can try to sleep he gets a text. He reaches for it, wondering if it’s Moony, before breaking out in a grin. 

Well, at least one of them was succeeding on their mission to achieve a life-long partner. 

He smiles at the picture of Peter and Sybil grinning at the camera, the Eiffel Tower in the background with her showing her hand to the camera. 

Quickly a text follows.

SHE SAID YES!

Chapter Text

Sirius couldn’t remember the last time his home was so packed full of people. Back in university, James and him used to throw massive parties for holidays and birthdays, but this was different. 

Lily made sure to come by early to ensure that all of Sirius’s valuables were carefully tucked away from the teenage boys who, she claimed, would certainly crash into it. Teddy was upstairs with some friends of his that arrived earlier. Sirius mentally screened all of them as they walked past him with Teddy, wondering which one of them was Teddy’s mystery boy. 

As they continued cleaning up, he noticed Lily pausing by the kitchen wall with his new sketches on it. 

“This is different,” she said softly as Sirius hid away another glass in his cabinet. 

“Yeah, I guess I’ve been more inspired recently,” Sirius admitted with a shrug. 

“Hmm, any reason for that?" Sirius took a deep breath before looking at her over his shoulder. 

“Not one that you haven’t already known for years.” 

Lily’s jaw dropped open as a grin spread across her features. “Sirius Black! Have you finally realized that-” 

They were interrupted by James bursting through the front door with a few bags, cake and wine in hand.

“Look who just showed up!” He gestured to Sybil and Peter behind him. Lily and Sirius rushed over to give them hugs and congratulations. 

“Oh Peter,” Lily said, studying the ring on Sybil’s hand. “This is beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Peter rubbed the back of his neck as James slapped him on the back. 

“So did you catch it in Peter’s suitcase?” Sirius asked, crossing his arms with a smirk.

“Oh yes,” Sybil said quickly.

“WHAT?!” Peter yelped in surprise. 

“Darling, you weren’t subtle.” She shook her head gently. “You took me to Paris . I did a quick search when you fell asleep the night before we left.” Peter blinked at her with wide eyes. "Though I did see the ring for the first time at the restaurant. I didn’t want to spoil the surprise that much.”

“Knew it.” Sirius smirked.

“Oh like you’ll do better someday,” Peter retorted.

Sirius raised his eyebrows in challenge. "I guess we’ll have to see.” 

Sirius turns back and gets his bottle opener for the wine James brought for the adults. "Though if I have it my way…” He turns over his shoulder and looks at Lily. “I won’t be the one proposing.” She shook her head and he could hear her laugh behind him. “What can I say? I’m a prize to be won, my dear friends.”

Remus and Sirius hosted a few get-togethers with friends within this house for Christmas or such, but trying not to run into a bunch of thirteen year old boys was a new challenge Sirius had yet to adjust to. 

Sirius had been checking his phone the entire day, hoping to hear something from Remus. Thus far there’d been no news. Even though Sirius was upset for Teddy that he wouldn’t get his dad home for his birthday, he could admit that a selfish part of him was disappointed not to be able to have Remus here by his side again. 

“Alright folks! The cake is ready!” Lily calls from inside the kitchen. Sirius quickly races to the side in order not to be trampled by a bunch of hungry thirteen year olds. He sighs with a chuckle looking over at James beside him, who also nearly got trampled in the fray. 

“I bet you’re looking forward to when Harry is this age,” Sirius teases as Lily lights the candles.

“Oh god, don’t mention him growing up. I’d be content if he stayed this little.” 

“But then how would Effie get cute toddler photos of him?” Sirius asks and James sighs reluctantly.

“You have a good point.” 

“ONE, TWO, THREE,” Lily begins to conduct and Sirius quickly pulls out his phone to record them singing to send to Remus. He hides his slight cringe at the off key-ness behind it. He can hear James chuckle next to him. 

“Make a wish!” Sirius calls as Teddy takes a deep breath in. He laughs before taking another deep breath and blowing the candles all out. The group cheers. 

“Are you one, are you two?” One of the boys starts, before getting nudged by another red-headed boy. 

“No, that part’s over already.” 

He watches Teddy’s gaze linger on the second boy for a moment. He chuckles to himself and notices Teddy catching him looking. Teddy flushes before turning to Sybil who offers him the first slice of cake. 

“That’s Charlie Weasley,” James whispers in his ear. “Been Teddy’s best friend since third year. From the stories Remus tells about them, they kinda remind me of you and him a little.”

“In more ways than one,” Sirius thinks to himself before he gets tapped on the shoulder.

“I think if you want to give him your gifts, you should now,” Lily tells him.

“But he’s eating.” Sirius looks over and sees Teddy happily chatting with his friends. 

“Sirius. He’s a thirteen year old boy. That cake is long gone.” Sirius takes a deep breath.

“Oh right. Forgot he was eating half my fridge.” Her and James laugh behind him before Sirius walks up to him.

“Hey Teds, can I borrow you for a moment?” Teddy nods.

“One sec,” he tells one of his friends before moving to the side with Sirius. Sirius grabs the book from the table and hands it to him.

“I’m sure you kind of guessed this, but.” 

Teddy grins. “A book?”

“Open it.” Teddy tears apart the paper and gasps.

“The stargazing book - but it was.”

“Shh, I won’t tell your dad the price if you don’t.” 

Teddy nods. “Thank you, Pads.”

“Of course - and here’s another thing you should absolutely not tell your father about.” Sirius hands him a wrapped box.

“Oh this is kinda heavy.”

“Yeah it is a little.” 

Teddy sets it on the ground and opens it. He gasps excitedly and pulls the helmet out. “It says Pup and everything!” He shows it to James and Lily who give him a thumbs up. “Does this mean that…?” He looks up at him hopefully. 

“You wanna go for a ride, bud?” Teddy’s eyes light up and he nearly squeals as he nods. 

“Now you better thank your grandparents for this when you next see them, got it?” Sirius tells him as he grabs his keys and helmet. 

“I will! I promise!” They go outside and Sirius gets on the bike and turns it on. Teddy grins widely, bouncing on the balls of his feat. 

“Alright, get on.” Teddy hops up and over the bike. “Now hold on tight. I won’t take you that fast, because I want to be safe, but I promise you’ll get the experience.”

“Okay!” Teddy wraps his arms around his middle and holds on tight as promised. Sirius leans down so Teddy can see over his shoulder and kicks the stand up. They pull away and Teddy squeals loudly.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” Sirius laughs as they turn the corner and begin their spin around the block. 

“Do you think one day my dad will get me one of these?” Teddy asks.

“Well, when you can drive, if he doesn’t, I’ll see what I can do.” Teddy squeals again and Sirius smiles. Sirius takes him down a few more streets, speeding down one a little faster to make Teddy laugh before turning back down his street.

“Alright. Here we are.” Sirius pulls off his helmet and looks back at Teddy. “Remember the rule. We are not going to tell-”

“DAD!” Teddy quickly hops off the bed and deposits his helmet in the grass. 

“Well, yes,” Sirius says before turning and freezing. There on his front porch with his arms extended out towards his son, was Remus Lupin. 

Teddy runs into his arms bouncing up and down. 

“DAD! DID YOU SEE? DID YOU SEE?” He asks as Sirius puts the kickstand down and starts to accept his fate.

“Oh I saw.” 

Remus’s eyes look up to meet Sirius’s own. He feels his heart sink like a stone at the furious gaze in his friend’s eyes. 

Oh, he was absolutely fucked.

Chapter Text

“Why don’t you head inside and tell your Aunt Lily and Uncle Prongs about it, hmm?” Remus suggests. Teddy nods happily and rushes inside, leaving Sirius to walk up the walkway, feeling like a dog with his tail between his legs. Once the door shuts, Remus turns to him with his arms crossed and his eyes ablaze. 

“Remus, I-”

“Black, what the ever loving fuck?!” Sirius swallows. He absolutely hated being called Black with a passion, and he was sure Remus knew that by now. He must’ve been really pissed to do something to intentionally hurt him. 

“Look, I know what you’re thinking, but we redid the entire inside and everything. I promise you it was safe.”

“We?!”

“Your dad and I.”

“Oh, so you dragged him into this too?”

“What? No. I-I didn’t want to.” 

Remus rolls his eyes. “Oh really? I didn’t want to? Is that what I just saw?” He asks, gesturing to the bike.

“Remus-”

“-One rule, Sirius. I had one rule!” 

“I know! And I swear, it’s the only one I broke - and not even really broke for that matter. I didn’t even go over thirty miles an hour.”

“Even ten can do a lot of damage, Sirius.” Remus fixes him with a glare and Sirius’s blood runs cool at the insinuation. He swallows hard.

“That’s not fair.” 

“Is it not?” 

Sirius feels himself starting to get angry as well. “You don’t understand!”

“Oh do I not? You got distracted, crashed the fucking bike into a tree, and left me with permanent scars across my body. Tell me what part of that isn’t fucking crystal clear?”

Sirius scoffs. “God, I just wanted to do one special thing for him for his birthday. He was begging me, and I just wanted to make him happy! Is that a fucking crime? Especially because I didn’t think his own father was showing up for his birthday!” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” They were yelling now, Sirius knew it. He knew he shouldn’t engage, they could probably hear them inside and that Remus needed time to calm down, but he was never good at walking away when he should.

“All day, Remus Lupin, I’ve been waiting for one single word from you. You told me you’d let me know if you were coming! I would’ve asked you for permission if you were fucking here! I would’ve told you the plan!”

“Oh so now I’m at fault for you taking my son on that godforsaken motorcycle?”

“No. I didn’t say that,” Sirius tries to back down. This wasn’t productive. They weren’t getting anywhere and it was just going to end up in one of them hurting the other.

“Well then what are you saying, Sirius?” Remus asks, still pissed as hell.

“I’m saying all I needed was one word and I would’ve…” Sirius shakes his head and tries to walk past him again. “Nevermind.”

He gets to opening the door when Remus yells inside. “TEDDY! LET’S GO!”

“But Dad!” Sirius hears Teddy whine. “My party’s supposed to go on for another hour.”

“I’ll make it up to you!” Teddy grumbles from inside. Remus closes the door, but Sirius watches it swing back open as he pulls Sirius away from the door by his arm. Sirius can’t bring himself to break away from his grasp.

Don’t. Please. Don’t make this hurt more. 

“Fine. You want to know why I didn’t text you? Because - god help me, I fucking missed you! Okay?! I missed you, and I didn’t just want to surprise Teddy, but I wanted to surprise you!” He yells. “I… I thought from the last time you called that you… But clearly I’m a fool because you’re just the same man that you were years ago, self-centered, egotistical and willing to endanger anyone for a fucking thrill.” Remus takes a deep breath as Sirius feels his heart shatter. “Should’ve known.” 

Sirius turns his back to him and squeezes his eyes shut, begging the tears not to fall. Remus takes a deep breath. “What were you going to say before we started this conversation?” 

“Nothing that matters.” 

“Sirius.” Sirius looks over his shoulder. He wants to look defiant, but he’s sure he looks as broken as he felt inside. 

“I missed you too.” Before he can think about the regret flashing over Remus’s eyes, Sirius rushes inside. 

“Pads?” He hears Teddy ask as he moves past him. The door shuts behind the two and Sirius speed-walks towards the kitchen. 

“Sirius?” He feels James put a hand on his arm, but he shakes it off.

“Leave me alone!” He yells before running into the kitchen. He runs to the sink and braces himself on it before feeling his body shudder with sobs. He covers his mouth, trying to hold himself back from falling apart, but he can’t. After a few minutes of trying to regulate his breathing and failing miserably, he hears the door creak open.

“Sirius?” Lily’s voice carries to him, and this somehow breaks him more. He shakes his head, not even able to manage words. The door creaks shut behind her and he hears her shoes click against the tiles before there are hands on both his shoulders.

“Shh, give him time.” 

Sirius shakes his head. “I really did it this time, huh?”

“No… no, honey. Let his parents talk to him, let Teddy talk to him. Hell, let me talk to him and knock some sense into him.”

“No, he was right. I was endangering Teddy. I crashed with Remus at that speed and it…” 

“Sirius, you know that was an accident right?”

Sirius shakes his head, the tears still persistent in their trip down his cheeks. “I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve texted Remus to ask for final approval. I shouldn’t have…”

“But Teddy was happy wasn’t he?” 

Sirius nods. “He was practically bouncing the entire ride. He was like how I was when I first got the thing.” Sirius takes a deep breath. “I didn’t want Remus to think I wanted to hurt his son. I would never do that on purpose and now he thinks I’m irresponsible and…” Sirius puts his face in his hands.

“No. He knows that’s not what happened. He was speaking out of a place of anger and exhaustion - remember that flight was probably hours. Maybe even a little fear, if we’re being honest. You know he's mom is in the hospital. He… he just wasn’t being rational.”

Sirius squeezes his eyes shut. “I think I was the one acting irrationally.” Sirius shakes his head. “To think Remus Lupin could ever love me… pathetic.” 

“Honey...” She's interrupted by the sound of Sirius’s phone ringing. He left the ringer on today in case Remus texted or called…

“Hello?” Sirius picks up, hating how his voice cracked.

“Sirius! Is Remus with you?” Lyall asks, sounding a bit frantic.

“No. No, he just left.” He pinches the bridge of his nose as Lily continues rubbing his back. 

“Well, is there any way you can track him down? He hasn’t turned his phone off airplane mode since the flight I think. It’s an emergency.” 

Sirius freezes. “What’s wrong?” He asks with a sniffle. 

“It’s Hope… She…” He hears Lyall sniffle on the other end of the line and Sirius’s eyes widen. “I don’t think she’s going to hang on much longer.”

“Sirius? What’s wrong?” Lily whispers as Sirius tenses up. 

“I’ll find him.” He hangs up and rushes out of the kitchen.

“Sirius?” Lily chases after him. “Sirius, where are you going?” She asks as he takes his keys out of his pocket. 

“I gotta find Remus.” He turns around to look at both her and James and Peter and Sybil who were looking at him worriedly. “It’s Hope. His phone isn’t off airplane mode. Lyall hasn’t been able to reach him.”

“Shit. Do you want one of us to try Teddy?”

“Don’t bother. Knowing him he’s trying to grill his dad to ask what we were fighting about. He’s not looking at his phone.” Sirius backs towards his front door. “Can you guys hold down the fort?”

“Absolutely. We’ll explain to the parents later that a family emergency happened. Don’t worry about it,” James says and the rest of them nod.

“Thank you. I’ll take you for drinks later.”

“You better!” Peter calls. 

Sirius cracks a smile as he rushes out the front door. He grabs his helmet off his porch and rushes to the bike. He kicks the kickstand up and speeds off in the path towards the Lupin house. It doesn’t take long until he sees a familiar gold car making its way down the road. He looks up at the sky for a minute and takes a deep breath.

“Please don’t kill me for this, Remus,” he prays before he braces himself. He speeds up and quickly cuts Remus off hard, making him slam to a stop. Sirius puts his kickstand down and rushes towards the driver side window, pulling his helmet off in the process.

“SIRIUS, WHAT THE FUCK?” Remus yells before freezing. “Don’t repeat that,” he tells Teddy who shrugs with a snicker. 

“I’m sorry. Your dad called. He said your phone was still in airplane mode." Remus grabs it from the console and checks it.

“Oh crap.” He watches as Remus switches it off and he’s flooded with notifications. He pauses for a moment in shock seeing it's a picture of Sirius sent him from a week ago of Sirius and Teddy eating ice cream together.

“It’s your mom. She’s in the hospital," Sirius is able to manage.

“I know that,” Remus snaps slightly and Sirius grimaces. 

“I know… but you should really call him.” 

Remus stills before looking into Sirius’s eyes. Sirius’s heart sinks seeing the fear in his eyes, before he swallows hard.

“Teddy?” Remus asks and he can hear the shake in his friend’s voice.

“Hmm?”

“Get your helmet.” Sirius’s eyes widen in surprise. “Sirius, if that’s okay, is going to take you to the hospital. I’ll follow behind you.”

“Of course,” Sirius agrees. Teddy gets out of the car and goes to grab the helmet from the backseat.

“I need to call my dad,” Remus says softly, "I need the truth and he won’t give that to me with Teddy in the car.”

“I know. Remus, it’s okay.” Sirius puts his hand on his upper arm instinctually. "I’m here.” He watches as Remus’s eyes dart down to his arm. Sirius is about to jerk it away, afraid Lily was wrong. That is until Remus looks up and oh, how he wants to kiss the pain out of Remus's face.

Sirius rubs his arm gently with his thumb, offering him a small smile, hoping it conveyed how much he meant what he said before.

Remus looks back up at him with tears starting to form in his eyes. “Thank you," he replies softly, his voice cracking slightly.

“Alright! I got the helmet,” Teddy calls as he begins putting it on as he walks around the front of the car. Sirius gives Remus’s arm one last squeeze as he begins walking over to the bike.

“Sirius?” Remus calls and Sirius turns around. Remus is sticking himself out the window with a sad smile. “For the love of god, please drive over thirty miles per hour.” Sirius salutes with a smile before pulling his helmet on and getting on the bike. Teddy quickly follows. 

“Alright, two new rules,” Sirius tells Teddy.

“Yeah?”

“One, hold on as tight as you can. I’m going to be going a lot faster.”

“Two?”

“Don’t you dare put your arms up. You’ll want to, but I want you to be safe. Alright? Another time, I’ll let you do it.” 

“Okay.”

With this, Sirius kicks up the stand and starts it rolling again. Teddy squeaks behind him as they quickly get up to speed.

“This is so cool!” Teddy yells excitedly and Sirius chuckles. Teddy begins to put an arm up and Sirius slows down.

“Teddy,” he warns and pulls Teddy’s hand back down.

“Sorry,” Teddy responds sheepishly. Sirius smiles and shakes his head before speeding back up. 

They pull into the hospital and Sirius takes the spot next to where Remus has pulled in. 

“That was so cool!” Teddy exclaims. 

Sirius looks over in the car window and sees Remus put his phone aside before hiding his face in his hands. Sirius's heart aches in his chest as he bites his lip. 

This was going to be a long night.

Chapter Text

“Sirius?” Remus whispers softly over the white noise of the hospital.

“Hmm?” Sirius asks, looking over at Remus. He was sitting next to him clasping his hands together so tight it looked like his knuckles were turning white. Sirius knew he'd give anything to reach out and take his hand in his own, but pushes those feelings aside.

“I’m sorry about what I said at Teddy’s party… that… that was uncalled for," Remus says, looking down at his hands.

“I endangered Teddy… I understand,” Sirius replies softly. 

Remus scoffs. “No you didn’t. And if we want to go by the recklessly endangering a thirteen year old scale, I asked you to drive as fast as you could to get here, which was definitely over the speed limit, with my son on your bike. That is far more dangerous than going around the block at twenty to thirty miles per hour.”

“That was an emergency.” Sirius gives him a look.

“And yours was a birthday present.” Remus returns the look. "Some kids get ridden around in a firetruck. Mine got a motorcycle.” Sirius chuckles and watches as Remus cracks a smile.

“Are we even then?” Sirius asks.

“Yeah. We’re even.” 

They sit there in silence for a moment before Sirius takes a deep breath.

‘How was-?”

“Was Teddy-?”

They both start at the same time before grimacing. 

“Sorry…” Remus chuckles. “You first.”

“No. It’s alright. I just wanted to ask how the tour was," Sirius runs a hand through his hair anxiously. 

“Well, it was interesting. Though I do think if I do it again, I’ll be doing it a bit differently," Remus admits. Sirius's stomach sinks slightly as Remus still doesn't look him in the eyes.

“Yeah?” Sirius asks.

“Well for one, Teddy’s coming with me.”

“I’m sure he’d love that - but maybe when he’s older. It’s not like he can travel around on his own while you’re in meetings or book signings and such.”

“I know, that’s where the second part comes in.”

“Oh?”

“I want to take you with me.” Sirius’s heart skips a beat.

Oh.

“If you would be open to that," Remus quickly rushes out. "If not I totally understand. That would take you away from work and-"

“No! No that would be fine with me... That… that sounds fun.” Sirius finds himself playing with his hands anxiously. “I haven’t seen a lot of the world yet. I mean, I’ve gotten to see the parts of it I wanted to when I was locked up in that place, but… Also, I missed you a lot while you were gone so… that would… probably help that.” 

God, can I be any more awkward?

Remus chuckles. “I missed you too.” He leans back in his chair and Sirius smiles at the sign of him relaxing a little. “God, I didn’t think it was possible to miss you that much - and the universe was cruel. The city didn’t even let me see the stars to look for you.”

“Well, my constellation is basically hidden now anyways, but…” He nudges Remus gently. “I definitely looked for yours.”

“Really?” He asks, reminding Sirius of his son.

“Yeah. I told Teddy I did every night. I may have left out the part where I did it more than once.” 

Remus laughs softly with a smile. Sirius can't help the smile that creeps over his own face at the sight. “God, we really are kinda pathetic, huh?”

“Yeah...” Sirius nods. He pauses, feeling Remus’s pinky lock with his, he closes his eyes with a small smile. “What were you going to ask, by the way?”

“How was Teddy? You said he wasn’t giving you any trouble, but…”

“He really wasn’t Remus. I promise.” Sirius looks over into his eyes with a gentle smile. “You raised a great kid. He’s sweet, honest-”

“-Almost to a fault,” Remus adds with a chuckle.

“Aren’t all thirteen year olds?"

“Thirteen…” Remus sighs and drags a hand over his face. “God, have I even wished him a happy birthday today?” 

“You’ve been busy.”

“Yeah, busy giving you shit for no reason.” He rolls his eyes. “All you wanted to do was help and make his day better and I... I took him away from his birthday party because I was upset and scared and..." Remus sighs heavily and looks at the ceiling. "I’m really doing this parenthood thing right, aren’t I?”

“I’ve learned there’s no perfect parent, Moons. You kinda just, try your hardest and hope for the best.” 

Remus snorts. “That’s one way of putting it.”

“Well, I can assure you that I'm sure Teddy understands.” Sirius puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it. “Also your style of parenthood has been pretty successful.” 

Remus flushes slightly and smiles. “It hasn’t been easy.”

“I know. I’m sure. I’ve been doing it alone for about two weeks and it could be interesting at times to say the least. I don’t know how you got novels done in your free time.”

“You find ways,” Remus smiles looking over at him. “Like you do with your art. For me mostly it’s when Teddy’s at school or a friend's house.” Their knees brush against each other and Sirius feels his smile widen.

“But you’re right…” Remus admits. “I wouldn’t mind some help sometimes.” 

“Well, I am right down the road if you need anything. I've found I may be more cut out for kids than I thought.”

“You've always been...You've never given yourself enough credit for that, Pads.”

“I’m trying to get better...” 

“I know…you're doing your best. I know you are,” Remus says softly. They're so close that Sirius contemplates risking it all and telling Remus how he feels. That is until the door swings open. They jolt back from another leaving a slightly confused Teddy in their wake. 

“Dad? She wants to talk to you.”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay.”

Remus quickly rushes in and Sirius smiles to himself, shaking his head. Teddy picks up the book on the table next to Remus’s chair.

“Already getting started on it?” Sirius asks. 

“Mhmm. The first one is Andromeda.”

“Like my cousin,” Sirius notes.

“Really?” Sirius nods. “Were all of you named after stars?” Teddy asks, drawing a laugh from Sirius.

“Practically,” Sirius agrees. “Now what does it tell you?”

“That it’s a Greco-Roman one… she’s also known as the chained woman apparently…”

***

“Sirius?” Remus asks when he gets out of the room. 

“Yeah?” Sirius looks up, keeping his voice down in order not to disturb Teddy sleeping on his shoulder.

“Oh…” Remus’s eyes soften. “Mom wants to talk to you.”

“Oh okay… Want to switch out with me? I don’t want to wake him up.”

“Yeah, of course.” Remus gently moves so Teddy is leaning off of Sirius’s shoulder. Teddy mumbles something unintelligible in his sleep and Sirius chuckles softly. 

“Sleeps like a rock, this one,” Remus whispers as he moves Teddy into his arms.

“Mhmm, like someone else I know.” Remus looks up at him with a smile. Sirius reaches out and gently pushes some curls out of Remus’s eyes. He freezes once he's realized what he's done. Remus’s eyes lock on his and Sirius summons enough courage to offer him a small smile before moving away.

He somehow manages to keep himself from bolting into the room and screaming into his hands at how he let that slip.

Sirius walks into Hope's hospital room and sees Hope hooked up to some oxygen. She was looking over at Lyall who seemed to have a worried smile on his face.

In an instant, he's flashed back to a moment he'd shoved down in the drawer for a while. It comes sputtering out on the floor and Sirius takes a deep breath, letting himself be dragged back in time.

“But… you can’t go,” Sirius whispered, sitting by his bedside. 

“It’s my time, bud,” Alphard said gently, running his fingers over Sirius’s hand. “I didn’t think any of my family members would ever sit by my death bed… I’m glad you are.”

“Please… Please don’t go. I’m not ready to be alone again.”

“You’re not alone.” Alphard chuckled lightly. “I think there are three young men pacing outside in the hall right now worried sick.” He paused with a smile on his face. “And one of them is debating whether to break in to check on you.”

“James?” Sirius asked with a half smile and Alphard shook his head. 

“No… you can let the young man in if you want.” Sirius goes to the door and Remus almost falls in.

“I… umm. Sorry, I got worried." Remus rubbed the back of his neck. Sirius smiled, finding it incredibly endearing.

“It’s alright. He said you could come in.” 

“Oh, alright.” Remus followed him in and sat next to Sirius on the bed. 

“I have a job for both of you.” Alphard said, looking between them. 

Sirius nodded. “Anything.”

"Quit. You know what I mean." Sirius swallowed and looked down at his hands. He did know, even then, that he'd have to quit smoking. He'd tried to break the habit he'd picked up in that miserable place before, but whenever things got bad again, he'd always turned back to it. "You'll find a new outlet. I can't have you ending up like me, bud."

Sirius nodded. "I'll do my best."

"I know it won't be easy, but let this young man help you." Sirius smiled sadly at that. He felt Remus squeeze his shoulder. "The last thing I want from you is this." Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and nodded.  " My second job is... well, more of a caution than a job,” Alphard admitted looking at Sirius. “You’re getting everything.”

“What do you mean?” Sirius asked, still trying to hold back tears. 

“I’ve already talked to Effie. My entire will has your name on it.”

“What?” Sirius asked in surprise. “But Uncle Al-”

“-You are the only one who deserves it.” He gives him a look. “You were the only one willing to challenge the system and run…Your bravery is admirable. It took me until I was an adult to summon as much courage as you have.”  

“I wasn’t brave.” Sirius shook his head. "I should've stuck it out." He hears both his uncle and Remus scoff.

“Do I have to remind you how you showed up to Prong's house." Remus's hand drifted down to rub his back. "You were brave. You are brave,” Remus whispered. 

“I was terrified.” 

“I think that’s a side effect of being brave, Padfoot,” Sirius laughed slightly and looked down at his hands. 

“I agree,” Alphard continued. “Now you, sir.” Sirius looked over his shoulder back at Remus, who nodded. “Take care of my nephew here. He needs someone to bring him back to earth.”

“Like an anchor.” Sirius said before chuckling. 

Remus's hand drifted back up to squeeze Sirius's shoulder. "I don’t think you’ll need to worry about that, sir.” 

Sirius flushed slightly looking back down. Alphard takes Sirius’s hand again and squeezes it. “You were the best son I never had.” He cracks a smile. “I’m sorry I never took you in. I thought you’d be safer with the Potters.”

“And you were right.” Sirius put his hands over Alphard’s own. “I’ll be okay.”

“That’s all I need to know…” 

“So?” James asked when they exited the room not even ten minutes later with Remus basically holding Sirius upright. 

“He’s gone.” Sirius whispered.

“Oh Pads,” Peter said apologetically. 

Sirius cracked a sad smile. “And I think I’m one of the new youngest millionaires…” Remus chuckled and Sirius turned into his arms and clung onto him once more.

“I’ve got you,” Remus whispered. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you…”

“Is everything alright Sirius?” Hope asks gently, knocking Sirius out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah… sorry.” Sirius shakes himself out of it, looking between her and Lyall. “I… got reminded of the last time I was in a hospital for something like this.” He shifts on his feet and Lyall’s gaze softens. 

“Come over here,” she beckons gently. He slowly shuffles to her side.

Lyall gets to his feet. “I’ll leave you two to it.”

“Are you sure?” Sirius asks, a bit worried he’s about to get lectured. 

Lyall chuckles. “I’m sure. I want to check in on Remus.” 

Sirius nods. "Alright… I know how he pushes these things down,” Sirius agrees gently. Lyall smiles gently before walking out.

Sirius turns back to look at Hope. “Are you sure you don’t want him to stay? I can-”

“Sweetie, you’re family too.” Sirius freezes and looks down at his hands. He hadn't realized how much he needed to hear that until she said it. “Now sit.” 

Sirius sits on the edge of her bed. “Why do I feel like I’m about to get lectured?” Sirius asks. “Are you mad about the bike incident too?”

“The bike incident?” She questions with a slight laugh. “What? The one from when you were seventeen?”

“No,” Sirius replies quickly. “I…” He laughs and rubs the back of his neck. “I took Teddy on a bike ride for his birthday. Since it was Remus’s one rule that I not do that, he got pretty upset at me…” Sirius plays with his hands. 

“You really care about him, don’t you?”

“Remus or Teddy?” Sirius asks with a small chuckle. 

“Both, but let's start with Teddy.” Hope smiles in encouragement. Sirius takes a deep breath, wondering where to even begin. 

“He’s wonderful. I never knew a kid to be so insightful, and…”

“He’s very emotionally intelligent.”

“Extremely,” Sirius agrees with a chuckle. “It’s difficult because I don’t know if I should be saying some of these things to a thirteen year old, but he always handles it so well.”

She nods slightly. “Yes... However, he’s been… worried recently.”

“Worried?”

“About his dad.” Sirius feels his stomach drop. “Lyall and I have been too.” 

“Is he sick again and not saying anything?” Sirius asks, fear clear in his voice.

“No.” She smiles sadly. “He’s lonely.”

Sirius feels his heart break at the thought. He knew how it felt to be lonely. He curled up under his covers many times longing for another body to lay beside his own. He remembered the weeks he spent sulking around his house after Remus left. He knew the ache that seeped into his chest the longer Remus was in America. 

“Why wouldn’t he tell me that?” Sirius asks softly. 

“Because I’m not sure he realizes he is - or how plainly obvious it is that he feels this way.” 

Sirius looks down at his hands again. “I know how it feels - to be lonely… Except I had the opposite end. I knew I was upset to be alone, and I couldn’t figure out why it was stronger once he... once he left” Sirius squeezes his wrist tightly.

“You love him, don’t you?” Sirius is taken aback for a moment before realizing this is Hope Lupin. Of course she knew before he did how he felt. She always saw straight through him. Like Euphemia Potter, she'd always had a knack for that.

“So much,” Sirius admits softly. “I… It really hit me this week, but I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same… I mean if he did, wouldn’t something have happened already?”

“Have you ever wondered why it didn’t?” She asks.

“Every day… at some point.” Sirius laughs slightly. “I’m sorry, I know that’s a little pathetic, but.”

“I don’t think it’s pathetic.”

“I mean, he saw me go through all of that in the past and so I just assumed he didn’t want… damaged goods.” He shifts awkwardly on the bed. “Sorry, I… I don’t know why I’m saying all this.”

“Because I’m a dying woman and asking you.” 

Sirius grimaces with a smile. “Hope-”

“I know, I know - but do you really believe that my son isn’t hopelessly in love with you?” 

Sirius’s head shoots up to meet her eyes. “I… I’m not sure.”

“Love, think about how much he runs to you. How you’re the only one who can get through to him. How when everything’s too much, he goes to you and gives you a call.” Sirius feels himself start to tear up. 

“Then why wouldn’t he tell me how he felt? I mean if that is how he feels... I've been about as subtle as a jet engine if our friends are anything to go off of."

“I believe that’s a question for both of you.” 

“I suppose so, but not right now. He already has so much on his plate. He admitted as much to me when we got here...I would hate to throw more on him.”

Hope shakes her head with a smile. “God, you’re as stubborn as your uncle was.” 

Sirius gives her a half smile. “You know, he wouldn’t have seen that as an insult.”

“I know. You were his pride and joy.”

 Sirius bites his lip to keep the mist in his eyes from falling down his cheeks. “I miss him so much.”

“I know sweetie.”

“I’m going to miss you too. I hope you know that.”

Hope smiles gently at him. “I do, but that’s why I want to leave you with something.”

“And what’s that?”

“My blessing.”

“For?”

“For wherever yours and Remus’s relationship goes.” 

“But, Hope. Remus-”

“-Has feelings for you,” she answers. Sirius's breath hitches at the thought. “And I know how much you love him. I can see it in your eyes.” 

“I do," Sirius admits. Why deny it any longer?

“So take him on a drive. Like you two used to do.” She smiles.

“But-”

“-You aren’t going to crash again.” She fixes him with a strong look. “Lyall told me you haven’t told him the real reason you did.” 

“I… I thought he’d think I was stupid.” Sirius runs a hand through his hair again.

“Talk to him.” She puts a hand on his own and squeezes it. “That’s my best advice. My son likes his walls. He likes to think he's protecting people by keeping everyone away from him. That he's too damaged to be loved, but you and I both know how unfounded that belief is." Sirius nods. "My Remus is a softie when it comes to those he loves. You can break through those barriers of his if you try. You always seem to know where to poke to make him crack. I have faith in you.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Now take him on a drive on that bike of yours. You and Lyall worked so hard on it these past few weeks. Might as well put it to good use. Shoo.” Sirius smiles and squeezes her hand. “It’s my dying wish.” 

“You wouldn’t even have to tell me that to get me to do it.” He kisses her hand and she smiles at him. “I love you, Hope. Thank you for being the best mother I ever had.” 

“Oh hush.” She reaches her arms out and he moves so she can hug him close. “I love you too, you. Take care of my boy.”

“I will. For the rest of my life if he lets me.”

“That’s all I ask.” 

“I swear it to you then. I love him so much.”

“I know, sweetie, I know.” She squeezes his hand. 

“Should I send Lyall in or Teddy next?”

“Maybe both,” she replies with a smile. That sweet caring one he'd always seen reflected in her son. He can't help but smile a little knowing that piece of Hope will live on after she's gone. 

“Love you,” he says before exiting the room. He hears her soft laughter in response.

“Hey, Moony,” Sirius says gently, as he steps out of the room. He looks over and feels his heart flutter as Remus’s eyes sleepily lift to his. “I’ve been requested to escort you to my bike. Like old times.” Remus blinks at him before his face melts into something far sweeter. Sirius swears something within his chest melts as those deep brown eyes twinkle with a flicker of mischief.

“This late?” 

“Your mom’s request.” Sirius winks and Remus takes his hand, gently letting him help him to his feet.

“What about Teddy?”

“Your mom wants to see him and your dad.” Lyall makes a humming sound from the chairs on the other side of the door. 

“Is it okay if I just say goodbye quickly?” Remus asks.

“Of course,” Sirius says gently, “You and I both know she’d never turn you away.” He squeezes Remus’s arm in reassurance. 

“He’s right,” Lyall agrees.

Remus nods and takes a deep breath. He takes a few steps towards the door, when he pauses. Sirius feels a bit of worry curl in his chest at the hesitation before Remus turns to face him. In an instant, Sirius is enveloped in an all encompassing warmth. All the air evaporates from his lungs and he nearly shivers at the electricity shooting through his body at the simple touch. Sirius quickly hugs back and squeezes him tightly.

“Thank you for everything,” Remus's breath causes the hairs on the back of Sirius's neck to stand up. Sirius knows he's flushing badly as Remus pulls away. He tries to hide it by looking away, but he hears a small chuckle as Remus goes inside.

Sirius takes a deep breath as he hears Lyall chuckle off to his side. Sirius looks at him and shakes his head. “God. I’m so fucked.” 

Lyall laughs and Sirius goes over to Teddy who is fast asleep where he left him with Remus.

“Teds, it’s time to get up,” Sirius says gently, shaking his shoulder.

“Pa?” Teddy mumbles and Sirius freezes. “Pa, is that you?” 

Sirius looks at Lyall who is grinning ear to ear. “I think that’s you,” he says with a smirk that is so strikingly like Remus’s own, Sirius can’t help but smile. 

“I guess so.” He pulls Teddy into his arms gently. “Yeah it’s me, bud. I’ve got you.” 

Teddy sleepily wraps his arms around him. “Pa.” 

Sirius squeezes his eyes tight, knowing if he starts crying now, he'll never stop. “I’ve got you. I’ll always have you, I promise.” Sirius rubs his back. He hears the door shut. “Alright, Pup. It’s time to get up.” 

“Pup?” He turns to see Remus standing there with a small smile on his face. 

“Yeah. Sorry. It’s on his helmet. I was thinking like a wolf pup.” 

“I match you now, Dad,” Teddy mumbles and Sirius smiles. 

“Come on bud, time to get up. You can nap inside,” Sirius gently encourages him.

“Do I have too?” Teddy whines and Sirius laughs.

“Yes, Teds. Come on,” Remus encourages him. Teddy rubs his eyes, but gets to his feet.

“Let’s go in. Grandma's waiting for us.” Lyall puts a hand on Teddy's shoulder, gently escorting the sleepy boy inside the room.

Once the door shuts Sirius turns to Remus with the brightest smile he can muster. “Well then, are you coming?” Sirius asks, extending a hand out towards Remus.

He expected Remus to laugh and swat it away, like he always had in the past. But instead, Remus offers him one of those smiles that makes Sirius’s heart try to escape his ribs and takes his hand in his own. “Lead the way.” 

Sirius grins and takes off running as Remus laughs behind him. Sirius turns down another hallway towards the exit and feels his heart pound in his chest, as if mimicking the pounding of his own heat.

Chapter Text

“Where do you want to go?” Sirius asks as the cool night air hits their faces. Remus shrugs. Sirius looks over and sees the slight distance in his friend's features. Sirius gives his hand a squeeze, hoping to anchor him back to reality. 

I'm right here. I promised I would be.

Remus squeezes back. “Anywhere. Take me anywhere, Sirius.”

Sirius closes his eyes for a moment, his chest warming at the sound of Remus saying his name. They go over to the bike and Sirius grabs the helmet from the back seat. 

“Here you go.” Sirius passes it over to Remus before locking the basket again. “Sorry I only brought one. I wasn’t exactly expecting this request, and I don’t think you can fit in Teddy’s."

“It’s alright…But...this is your helmet. Are you sure you want me to-” Remus starts to protest. 

“-I know. We should make you a new one,” Sirius acknowledges as he slides onto the seat. He turns and pats behind him.

“We?” Remus asks in surprise. 

“Yeah. Me and Teddy. He told me when I took him on that ride earlier that he wants us all to match.”

“Oh.” A soft look floats over Remus’s face and Sirius smiles. 

“Now hop on, Moons.” Remus does and pulls his helmet on.

“Remus?” Sirius asks softly as Remus wraps his arms around his waist. For the second time that night, Sirius felt breathless.

“Yeah?” Remus asks. Sirius pauses before shaking his head.

He couldn’t say it now. Remus had been having such a long day already. 

“You raised a really great kid,” he decides to say instead. 

Remus pauses before chuckling softly. “I suppose I did.”

“You absolutely did. So just let yourself be for tonight. No expectations. Like we were when we were kids.” 

Remus sighs softly and leans his head against Sirius’s shoulder. Remus scoots closer and Sirius thinks for a moment he starts actually praying for restraint. 

“I’ll try,” Remus mumbles. 

With that Sirius flips on the ignition and kicks up the kickstand. They drive out of the parking lot and Sirius looks back over his shoulder to remind Remus to hold on tight. He almost doesn’t manage the words, as he’s greeted by Remus in his helmet. Sirius feels his chest squeeze so tight he almost can’t breathe.

Of course, he knew Remus was wearing it, but seeing him in it was completely different than knowing it. It felt as if he was wearing his clothes and Sirius feels a part of him grin in satisfaction at the thought. He'd be fine with Remus wearing his clothes as many times as he wanted. 

Remus smiles and nods at the suggestion, sliding forward even more and holding on a bit tighter. Sirius thinks he’s going to simply pass out. Remus Lupin was touching him. Not only that - they’d been awfully touchy all day after all - but the way he was holding him made Sirius feel all floaty inside. Sirius felt as if he could delude himself that he was on their old couch back at his house, tucked under a blanket, and Remus was holding him tight. Sirius wants to melt into his arms and stay there forever, but he reminds himself of the promise he made to a woman on her deathbed. 

He had a job to do, and he was going to deliver. 

He speeds onto an empty street and sighs at the wind rushing through his hair as they drive. Sirius isn’t completely sure where they’re going, but that’s half the fun of it. These roads felt like second nature now, and he allows himself to get lost in the feeling of letting the road unfurl before them. He hears Remus laughing happily behind him, the noise bouncing through his chest, setting it alight.

Sirius feels like they’re teenagers all over again. It’s summer holidays, and Remus’s laugh is blending into the wind. He feels the brush of a hand on his chest and is somehow able to keep himself from breaking into a childish squeal. 

He casts a look behind him and watches as Remus throws his head back, as the sounds of his laughter echo down the roads in front of them. Sirius grins, not being able to stop obsessing over how free the man behind him looks. He loved how Remus let go He slows down and pulls over, recognizing the woods as not far from their stargazing spot.

“Why did you stop?” Remus asks, practically vibrating with adrenaline.

Sirius looks into those warm brown eyes through the visor. They were filled to the brim with this tenderness Sirius wanted to cling onto forever. Kind, beautiful, Moony. Like he'd always been.

For a moment, it's six years earlier, and they're back on the floor of their flat in university. He had a second chance to tell Remus how he felt - and he'd be damned if he wasted it.

“Because. Last time I made that mistake, I caused some scars on your face. As much as I adore them, I wouldn’t want to replicate that incident, now would I?” Remus quickly takes off the helmet, his jaw going slack. Sirius swings himself around on the bike so they're facing each other.

“That… that was the reason? I always thought you just got distracted and stopped looking at the road.”

“I did,” Sirius admits, letting his heart speak for him like he should've this entire time. “I was very distracted."

"You… you were looking at me?” Remus asks breathlessly. 

Sirius tilts his head and sighs, thinking back to that moment. “You were laughing as the sun was setting. You looked beautiful in that light. You… you always look beautiful, Remus, but especially when the sun is setting. I swear sometimes I’m looking at an angel.” Sirius looks away from him, fear chipping at his confidence. 

“Sirius… I…” Remus stammers and Sirius immediately regathers his bearings.

“You don’t have to say anything. I… I understand so much has happened today. I didn’t mean to spring anything on you and-”

“-Sirius… why do you think I never asked you out?” Remus’s hand brushes over his arm, and Sirius shivers under his touch.

“You just didn’t like me that way and after a while I just assumed you probably thought of me as damaged goods."

“No -Sirius, I would never think that.” Sirius jolts at the feeling of a hand on his cheek. He looks back up into Remus’s eyes that were shining in the moonlight. He quickly decides this is another time of day he could add to the list of needing to look Remus Lupin during. At this point, the list probably had every second of every day...

“It was because I didn’t think you’d want a family,” Remus continues, "I asked you back in uni because… Well, I knew I wanted kids. I wanted that life and I’d never force you into that.” 

“I was scared of becoming my mother. You knew that.” Sirius shakes his head softly with a small smile. “All it took was some time alone with your kid for me to see how much I’m not. Everyone’s noticed something has changed with me. Maybe that's because I’m finally allowing myself to imagine something more than today. I’m so used to living day to day. Even being out of that house for more than ten years, a part of me still wonders if it's a fluke and if someone's going to show up to take me away and lock me back up again."

"I wouldn't let them," Remus replies, and it's so honest, Sirius feels something stutter in his chest.

"I guess I've been living with a lot of fear. I’ve never allowed myself to want anything romantically serious - ha - with anyone. I told myself to shut the door so I wouldn't hurt anyone else. That I'd be too much for anyone to handle. I'd be work and I'd never want someone to suffer with me... but that self-imposed isolation left me feeling incredibly lonely." 

Remus’s thumb brushes his cheek gently and it's only then Sirius realizes he's begun to cry. “But the flood-gates have opened now. I don’t… I don’t want to close them anymore.” Sirius finally lets himself look Remus in the eyes. “I want to be able to want something - someone. And I want… I want to give someone the world for the rest of my life and I…” He slides his hand down Remus's arm and brushes his fingers over Remus’s hand. “I want that person to be you. I want to give you the world - or all I possibly can of it. I told you earlier that I haven't seen all that much.” 

Remus cracks a smile and rubs another tear away with his thumb. “Pads, I want that too, but I come with strings now,” Remus admits gently, his eyes holding some fears of his own.

“So let me tie all three of us together with them,” Sirius quips back. He hears Remus chuckle as he looks away from his gaze. Remus squeezes his hand and Sirius smiles feeling warm inside.

“Oh god… you’re actually being serious about this aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, of course that is my name.” Remus rolls his eyes and Sirius smiles wider. “But yes I… I’m sorry I’ve been holding these words back for so long. I thought you didn’t… that you wouldn’t want me.”

“I’d be a fool if I didn’t.” Remus shakes his head, his eyes staying fixed on Sirius. “Who am I kidding, I am a fool for not telling you earlier. I had years too and I was so scared that I was the only one. I didn't want to lose you. I always thought that if this was the only way I'd get to have you, I'd be content. But it ate away at me." 

Sirius shakes his head and leans forward, resting his forehead against Remus’s. “It haunted me too. I wondered for years what I did wrong. How I drove you away from me."

"You did nothing wrong. I should've been clearer with how I felt."

Sirius squeezes Remus's hand. "I should've as well."

"I left you alone," Remus whispers, sounding choked up. "I didn't want to. I don't want to. I never should've..."

Sirius shakes his head. "As my uncle told me years ago,” Sirius whispers back, playing with Remus’s fingers in his lap. “I've never been alone.” He looks up to meet Remus’s eyes. “He even told me as much. He thought that as long as you were around, I'd have everything I'd ever need in life. He was right and... I don’t want to be without you anymore." 

“It won’t be a walk in the park,” Remus whispers back, softly nuzzling Sirius. Sirius feels his breath suck in at the simple affection he'd been craving for years.

“When is it ever?” Sirius asks breathlessly.

“Are you sure you want me? I mean you could have anyone. I know you could.”

“What use is everyone else in the world when I’ve only ever wanted you?” Sirius raises Remus’s hand to his lip and kisses it. “I've loved you since the day I met you, Moony." 

“Loved?” Remus asks softly.

He can hear the fear in the other man's voice and that would not do. He wouldn't let Remus slip through his fingers again like he had been for so many years. Sirius tightens his grip on Remus's hand and looks in his eyes, a bit of defiance running through him. He wouldn't let the universe pull them apart again. 

“Love. If anything has been made so crushingly obvious this week, it’s that I am utterly and completely in love with you," Sirius says, shaking his head with a small laugh.

“Oh god,” Remus whispers, like he can’t believe what Sirius is saying. “How much time have we wasted loving each other from afar?”

“Not enough clearly because you haven’t kissed me yet.” 

Remus rolls his eyes. “You could’ve asked me too. At any point, and I would’ve without a question.”

“I know. Well, I know now...” Sirius moves his other hand to cup Remus’s cheek. He runs his thumb over his scar. “I needed to confront those feelings first though. I think I knew I had a crush on you in uni, but when…” Sirius’s voice trails off for a moment, feeling Remus’s lips brush the top of his hand. Sirius sucks in a deep breath before continuing, not missing the grin spreading across Remus’s face. Little shit. “When nothing happened between us, I figured I must’ve been mistaken. Then we were roommates and I was so confused on why I still felt these sensations when you were near. In my head, I thought I must be over you.”

“Were you?”

“God no. I am so not over you. I think that much is fairly obvious.” 

“Mhmm.” Remus nuzzles him again and Sirius leans into him. “Remember when I said I needed you while I was still in New York?”

“Mhmm, god you must be so jet lagged, Moons.”

“I believe I’m running on coffee and adrenaline at this point,” Remus admits and Sirius chuckles. 

“I do remember though.”

“You made this joke about not needing you unless someone was flirting with me.”

“Yes?” Sirius leans on his shoulder and feels Remus adjust himself so he can hold Sirius close. His arms wrap around him and Sirius lets out a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding. 

“As much as that’s not true, and I need you all the time.” Sirius blushes and leans into him more. "You were right. There was someone flirting with me…” Sirius tenses up. “Shh, I wasn’t interested.” Sirius grumbles, but lets him continue. Remus chuckles.

“But then you and James sent me pictures, you and Teddy looked so happy, and there were photos of us being super close throughout the years. So I thought, ‘What's the harm in pretending?’"

Sirius thinks back to the lock screen he saw on Remus's phone of him and Teddy eating ice cream together.

Oh... that made more sense now.

“Did they get the hint?” Sirius asks, more curious than he'd like to admit.

“Oh he did.” Sirius tenses up again. “I did sound and look lovesick after all. It's not hard to pretend when it was how I actually felt about you. He did back off eventually...After I called you baby on the phone.” 

Sirius gasps and pulls back from his arms. “You did that on purpose?!” Sirius crosses his arms as Remus raises one of his hands up in surrender, the other staying planted firmly on Sirius's waist.

“Remus,” Sirius whines, “I freaked out! I didn’t know if it was intentional or not - and I couldn’t get it out of my head!"

“Sorry, baby,” Remus cups his face and Sirius freezes at the nickname. Oh god, it was far better in person... 

“Say that again,” Sirius requests softly. 

“Baby.” Remus leans closer and Sirius’s breath hitches. Remus grins and Sirius can’t help himself. He throws his head back and looks at the sky.

“Alright, Hope,” Sirius calls up at the stars. “I did the talking part. Can I snog your son now?” 

Remus bursts out laughing and pulls him onto his lap. “Come here, baby.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” 

Sirius leans in and kisses him with as much passion as he can muster. Remus responds fast, kissing back in a way that sends Sirius's senses into overdrive. He could feel everything - from Remus's fingers tangling in Sirius’s hair, to his own labored breaths as he tried to keep up with him. He felt as if someone had turned his insides into molten. He needed all of Remus in a way he’d never thought he would ever need someone. It felt like an almost necessary part of him now - like his need to breathe.

He needed Moony. 

He’d never been kissed like this before in his life. Of course he’d snogged people before. He had a bad habit of it at one point in uni while trying to erase his feelings for Remus. That was until James and him got into a horrible fight and he abandoned the habit all together. His vices were problems, but the minute they started hurting someone as vital to him as his brother? Well… then that became another issue. 

Yet, none of those people had ever made Sirius feel like this. He was running, but standing still. He was flying, but he hadn’t moved an inch. The world kept turning, he was sure it was, but he stayed right by Remus's side.

He told Remus he’d love to see the world with him, and yes, he knew that was still true. Still, he could feel that sentiment from his university days creeping back in. The world was wide, but he never needed more of it now that he had Remus. He already had his whole universe in his arms.

He wanted to say all of those things, but he had a feeling he was saying them already. The way he was clutching at Remus in hopes he could somehow bring the other man closer to him probably made his yearning fairly obvious. His hands began to explore Remus's body. Now that it was there so close to him, Sirius needed to map all of it. His hands tangle in Remus's hair, run down to his sides, find their way to his hips…

He hears a groan underneath him and quickly pulls apart. 

“Did I do something..?” Sirius asks breathlessly. He looks down and Remus gazes with a dazed look on his face and breathing heavily. He looked absolutely ruined beneath him. A small smile spreads across his face as Remus reaches up to tuck some hair behind his ear, while shaking his head.

“I mean you sure did something..." Remus mutters with a chuckle. Sirius flushes as Remus leans up and presses another quick kiss to Sirius's lips. "I dreamed of you kissing me more times than I can count, but fucking hell you’re better than I ever imagined.”

“Well good thing I only ever want to kiss you, huh?”

“Oh fuck me,” Remus breathes. "You're going to completely ruin me."

“I’d love to at one point.” Sirius grins, knowing he's flipped the table. Even in the darkness, he can see the deep flush appearing over Remus’s face. He leans back in and kisses him all over again.

Remus’s hands wander this time. Sirius swears each brush of his fingers on his skin sends a shiver down his spine, but somehow also ignites the spot under his touch. He gasps as Remus’s hands grab his hips. 

“Jesus,” Sirius mumbles against their lips. Remus laughs and pulls him back in close. 

“God, you’re adorable,” Remus mumbles against his jaw. “Incredibly sexy, but also somehow perfectly lovely.” Sirius bites back a whimper in his throat. “I love you so much.” Remus’s grip relaxes slightly on Sirius’s hips. It was still making Sirius feel warm inside, but there was a confidence and slight possessiveness to the gesture that made Sirius's head spin.

“And I love you,” Sirius whispers in return, the words feeling like an oath. 

“Mhmm,” Remus gently thumbs at Sirius’s shirt. 

“Go ahead,” Sirius whispers gently and then Remus fingers brush across his stomach. Sirius shudders and Remus starts to pull his hands away. Sirius covers them over the fabric.

“It’s okay. Your hands are a little cold.” 

Remus laughs softly and presses another kiss to his lips. “You can't be real,” Remus whispers. “You’re so beautiful. You must be divine. There’s no way you’re human.” 

Sirius laughs and throws his head back. “Coming from you.” He looks back down to see Remus gazing up at him, a look of awe on his face. “God, look at you.” Sirius runs his thumb over a scar on Remus's cheek.

“This can’t be real,” Remus whispers, reaching up and cupping Sirius's cheek. “I’m… I’m dreaming.”

“You’re not.”

“This is some sleep deprived delusion.”

“No.” Sirius laughs. “Then I’d have to be dreaming too.” He moves down towards Remus. He smirks as Remus leans towards him, as if holding on his every word. Maybe he was. The thought makes Sirius want to squeal like a lovesick teenager.

“Because if you’re not mine when I wake up tomorrow morning," Sirius continues, running a hand up Remus's chest. "I’m going to lose my mind.”

“Oh I can promise you, baby. If it’s up to me...” Remus runs his hands up his sides. Sirius bites his lip hard at the feeling of Remus’s hands ghosting over his skin. “I’m never going to let you go.” He kisses Sirius’s cheek. Sirius blushes at the contrast between the charged nature of their situation and the gentleness Remus was handling him with.

“Don’t let me go again. Please. Don't run back off to America. Don't leave me behind,” Sirius whispers, pulling him closer by his shirt collar.

“Oh, baby. I’m yours,” Remus says, sounding so breathlessly honest. “I'm not going anywhere. I'm never leaving you. I promise you, I’m all yours, Sirius.” Sirius dives back down to kiss him and he wants to drown in this. He’d already been addicted to Remus’s presence, but having him like this was all-consuming. Sirius felt like he was on fire and he’d let himself burn as long as he could get one more sweet nothing from the man before him.

“As much as I could kiss you forever, Moons. I promised your mom I’d take you out here to get you out of your head, not to try and shag you,” Sirius whispers shakily, trying to not lose himself in the sensations that were quickly taking all of his attention. 

“Mhmm. You are getting me out of my head,” Remus mutters, kissing down Sirius’s neck. Sirius gasps and grabs Remus’s hands to keep him from going further.

“God, you’re as bad as me,” Sirius says breathlessly, pulling Remus’s hands out from under his shirt and depositing them on his waist.

“Is that a surprise to you?” Remus asks with a deep chuckle that makes heat race down to pool at the bottom of his stomach. 

“Fuck. Alright, you are putting back on that helmet right now before our first time is on my bike in the middle of nowhere.” 

Remus laughs as Sirius turns around and resettles himself on the bike. He shifts himself back and forth in an attempt to get comfortable, which he found to be quite difficult while being harder than he’s ever been in his life.

The sound of the basket snapping shut breaks him from his thoughts. He looks back and sees no helmet on Remus’s head. 

“Moons-”

“-Hey, I’m okay. I’m in good hands.”

Remus wraps his arms around his torso again. Sirius feels his body relax because of Remus's proximity and groans internally. Stupid body betraying his rational thoughts...

“Remus…” Sirius attempts to continue to protest the idea, but he knows his resolve is weakening. 

“I trust you. You’re not going to hurt me. You’ve always taken care of me. You’ve got me.”

Sirius puts his hand over Remus’s on his stomach and leans back into his arms. “This is a stupid idea,” Sirius says, closing his eyes as he leans into his boyfriend’s touch. 

“You should know I love doing stupidly reckless things with you by now, baby.” 

Sirius takes a deep breath and takes one final look over his shoulder. “You’re going to be the death of me, love, and fuck am I going to die happily.” 

Sirius pushes up the kickstand as Remus laughs. Sirius reminds him to hold on tightly and he does. Remus rests his head against Sirius’s shoulder and the warmth fills something inside Sirius’s chest. Something that had been empty for far too long...

Sirius takes a deep breath. 

He trusts me. I won’t let him fall. I’d rather die than lose him again. I won't lose him again.

“You’ve got me.” Remus whispers in his ear, as if reading his mind. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Sirius blinks back the tears in his eyes before he revs the engine and drives off into the night. 

Sirius hears Remus squeak as they speed off, before laughing all over again. Remus scootches closer to him and Sirius sighs happily. After driving for a while back in the relative direction of the hospital, Sirius pulls up to a stop sign. He feels Remus's lips back on his neck and grips the handlebars tighter. 

Sirius chuckles. “Darling, you’re going to make me crash if you keep doing that.”

“Oh fuck,” Remus whimpers. 

“Hmm?” Sirius hums, worried he did something wrong. Remus groans and hides his face against Sirius’s jacket.

“Darling. Out of your mouth. Shoot me now.”

“Coming from mister baby, love, and I’m yours over here. Might as well just euthanize me,” Sirius mutters before driving off. 

Remus laughs loudly and squeezes him tightly. “Baby? Really? Is that what does it for you?” He shouts above the wind rushing past them. 

“Out of your mouth? Yes!” Sirius calls back over his shoulder. 

He grins to himself as Remus’s grip on him tightens. Sirius speeds up and feels one of the arms wrapped around his waist disappear.

He quickly peaks over his shoulder to see Remus with one hand up towards the sky looking up and laughing like he did when they were seventeen. Sirius smiles wider before quickly focusing back on the road. 

Beautiful. His boyfriend was beautiful.

Chapter Text

“Dad!” Teddy races towards them when they turn into the hallway with tears falling down his face.

“Teddy.” Remus lets go of Sirius’s hand to catch him in his arms. 

“She’s gone,” Teddy whimpers.

“Oh,” Remus breathes and Sirius quickly steps to his side and rubs his back. 

I’m here.

Remus looks over him and he sees the tears quickly forming in those brown eyes he adores.

“Pa,” Teddy cries and Sirius quickly reaches out his arms. Teddy crashes into his arms and Sirius squeezes him tightly. “I’m here. I know, Pup, I know. It sucks, but she’s not in pain anymore.”

“Why couldn’t she stay?” he asks tearfully and Sirius’s heart breaks. 

“It was her time, bud. I know, it’s horrible, and we don’t exactly know why it was her time to go. Sometimes I think the most angelic of people have the shortest lifetimes because people don’t deserve how good they are.” He looks up at Remus who has tears falling down his face now. 

“That makes sense I guess,” Teddy mumbles and Sirius nods. He looks over at his boyfriend with a sad smile.

“Do you want to go in there and say goodbye one last time, Moons?” Sirius asks softly. 

Remus shakes his head. “Not yet. I was hoping I’d be able to tell her before she passed that we…” 

“She knew I was going to say it tonight. I bet my life on it. She knew. I couldn’t stop telling her how far gone I was. She gave me her blessing, Remus.” Remus’s lower lip begins to tremble at his words. 

“Her blessing for what?” Teddy asks, pulling away from Sirius’s arms and looking between the two. Sirius glances over at Remus.

“Do you want to talk about this now?” Sirius asks gently. 

Remus nods. “I’m not going to make it through this without you, so yes.” His voice starts to crack.

Sirius turns to Teddy. “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to ask for yours, but you were very sleepy before we left. Teddy, I really love your dad. A lot.” He hears Remus choke on a sob and he instinctually reaches a hand out for him. Remus’s fingers meet his own and cling onto them tightly. “And I’m hoping that you’re okay with our relationship shifting a bit.”

“What do you mean?” Teddy asks, looking a bit worried. 

Remus chuckles slightly. “Teddy, love, I want Sirius to be my boyfriend and I believe Sirius wants that too.” Sirius gives him a look with raised eyebrows and a slight smirk.

Believe so?

Remus rolls his eyes affectionately before Teddy cuts in.

“Then why aren’t you?” He asks. Both of them laugh at this. 

“We wanted to make sure that’s okay with you first,” Sirius attempts to explain.

“Of course it’s okay with me! I’ve been trying to get you two together since he agreed to look after me while you were gone." 

“What?” Remus sputters and Sirius’s jaw drops open.

“Yeah! I think it was a great idea. Grandma and Grandpa, and Uncle Prongs and Aunt Lily agreed. Uncle Wormtail and Aunt Sybil also thought so too once I told them at my party.”

“You got them in on it too?” Remus asks, sounding overwhelmed, but slightly proud.

Sirius laughs. “Oh my god, that explains a lot.” 

“Dad was lonely and he wasn’t doing anything about it, and I caught you two looking at each other a lot when we’ve had dinners together, so I thought why not give it a go.” Sirius puts a hand over his face and hears Remus laugh heartily from next to him.

“Oh Teds, as much as I appreciate it, you don’t have to worry about me,” Remus says gently once he’s calmed down a little.

“I better not. You have Pa now.” Teddy crosses his arms. 

“Yeah, where did Pa come from?” Remus asks, looking over at Sirius. Sirius shrugs and looks back over at Teddy. 

“I looked up what people usually call their other parents if they have two dads. I already called you dad, and Pa was close to Pads, so.” Sirius feels his breath hitch and he nods. “If that’s okay?" Teddy smiles and Sirius grins, shaking his head at the mirrored phrase from a few days ago.

“Of course, Pup. Come here.” Teddy does and Sirius hugs him tightly. “I’ve got you, alright? I promise. For as long as you need me. I’ll be right here.” 

Teddy nods. “I know.” 

“Good.” Sirius sniffles as Teddy pulls away. 

Remus takes a deep breath from his side and Sirius looks over, seeing Remus loosely holding it together. “I’ll meet you inside in a moment. Alright, Teds? Me and your pa need to discuss a few things.” Sirius’s breath hitches at that. Teddy nods and gives Remus a hug before going back inside the room. 

“Oh my god,” Remus whispers as the floodgates break for both of them. Sirius surges forward into his arms. Both of them cling onto each other, rocking back and forth, and Sirius wonders for a moment how he ever survived without this. He couldn’t imagine living without this feeling of safety and comfort that came from being in Remus’s arms ever again.

“I’m so sorry, my love,” Sirius whispers. “She was an incredible woman.”

“I know... but holy shit he called you Pa.”

“He did that before we left, but I was so focused on you and my feelings, I didn’t give myself time to process it…Are you okay with me taking that role in his life? If you’re not I can step back, and I-I’ll always turn to you if there’s-”

“Sirius, baby.” Remus cups his face and Sirius tries to blink away some of his tears. “Yes. I’d want that more than anything. I trust you. I do. Even if I acted like I didn’t earlier today. I was scared of my feelings for you and my mom dying and-”

“Remus, you don’t need to apologize.” Sirius nuzzles him gently. “I’ve already forgiven you.”

“I feel like I should but…” 

Sirius presses a quick kiss to his lips. “Shh, Moony. It’s alright…” Sirius cups his cheek. Remus slowly reaches up his hand to place his over Sirius’s with a sad smile.

"Teddy loves you. You can’t tell me he doesn’t after that. He ran to you as much as me.” 

“I love him too.”

“I know.” Remus pulls him close. “I think I have some competition for who loves you more.” Sirius laughs and leans into Remus’s embrace. They stay like that for a bit, rocking in each other's arms before Remus takes a deep breath. “I’m not sure I’m ready for this.”

“You’re never ready for something like this, love. Trust me.” Sirius presses a kiss to his cheek. He pulls away tasting salt on his lips and offers Remus a loving smile. “But know I’ll be right by your side.”

“Always?”

“Always, Moony.” He leans their foreheads together and offers him a small smile. “I’ll be here for the rest of my life, if you let me.”

“Of course I will. I don’t want anything else.” Remus kisses him again and Sirius lets himself melt into it.

He thought when James first described kissing Lily as the entire world stopping around them, it must have been some kind of romantic fantasy. Now he understood it. He’d happily spend the rest of his days just like this.

“Come on,” Sirius says, gently nuzzling him. “Let's get this over with.” Remus sighs, but nods. He presses a kiss to Sirius’s forehead and Sirius hums in response.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Remus whispers and Sirius looks up into his eyes.

“Me too, love. Me too…”

***

“Remus, sweetheart?” Sirius shakes him gently.

“Mhmm.” Remus slowly opens his eyes. They quickly widen as he shoots up in bed. 

“Oh god, so last night wasn’t a-”

“-Sleep deprived fantasy?” Sirius asks with a wink. Remus groans, but laughs, leaning back against the bed frame. He slowly looks back down at Sirius and a dopey smile falls over his features.

“You are so beautiful,” Remus says softly. Sirius blushes as Remus takes his hand in his. Sirius squeezes it. “I’m so lucky.” 

Sirius shakes his head. “I think that’s me, love.”

“Agree to disagree…What time is it, baby?” Sirius smiles wider and takes his phone out of his pocket. 

“Like two.”

“Two?” Remus gasps. 

“Love, we were up until five-ish. You can sleep in till two.” 

Remus sighs, but nods. “True.” 

Remus looks over and Sirius watches him do a double take. “You made me breakfast?” Sirius nods. “What time did you wake up?”

“One-ish. Teddy still isn’t up yet. I checked before I came to check on you. I thought I’d let the poor thing sleep in. He was exhausted yesterday.”

“I know… A part of me wonders if Mom held out till midnight in order to not die on his birthday.” 

“She’d be the kind too.” 

“I can’t believe our anniversary lands on the same day my mom died.” Remus mumbles and Sirius chuckles. 

“For now.” Remus’s eyes quickly flash to Sirius’s, before they light up with a realization. Sirius continues with a smile. “I mean, marriage dates do take precedence, don’t they?” 

“Yes they do… Guess we’ll have to change the date at some point, huh?” 

Sirius nods. “Now eat up. Lily keeps texting me asking if I’ve heard from you and if they can come over and check on you.” 

Remus chuckles and smiles to himself as he begins to eat his food. “You haven’t told them?"

Sirius shakes his head. “Not yet.” He rests his hand on Remus’s thigh over the blanket and smiles over at him. “Wasn’t sure when you wanted to tell them.”

“Well, I’m going to be clinging onto you for the foreseeable future, so probably pretty soon,” Remus says, hiding his chewing with the back of his hand.

“Why don’t we tell them when they come over then, love? I’m not dealing with them all trying to call us at once and blowing up our phones.”

“Which they’ll absolutely do.”

“Oh yeah.” Sirius rubs circles on Remus’s thigh and smiles at him. “How are you feeling though?"

“Honestly? Like complete and utter shit, but... a little floaty too…” 

“We’re going to have the weirdest honeymoon phase, huh?”

“Well I intend on making it as long as possible.” They lock eyes and Sirius blushes and look down at the bedsheets. Remus chuckles softly and reaches down to squeeze Sirius’s hand. “You are my saving grace, love. I don’t know where I’d be without you right now.”

“You act like even if we weren’t dating I’d be able to stay away from you when you were hurting.” Sirius reaches forwards and cups one of Remus’s cheeks. “I could never leave you alone, Remus.” Remus smiles and Sirius sees tears start to mist in his eyes. 

“Honestly, I think this is all I’ve got in me to eat right now. I’m still pretty upset.”

“I understand,” Sirius says gently. “I won’t push you. Well, more than you need to be pushed.” Remus smiles and puts his food aside. Sirius sends a quick text to the group to meet at Remus’s house in an hour. 

“Come here, please?” Sirius quickly nods at the request and puts his phone on the nightstand. Remus pulls up the covers and Sirius slips under them and into Remus’s arms. Remus’s hand reaches up to run his fingers through his hair. 

“You ate, right?” 

“Mhmm, I made two portions. Ate downstairs, I’ll make something else for Teddy later. I wanted to give you plenty of time to rest.”

“Good, I want you to take care of yourself.” Remus kisses his forehead. “But don’t worry about Teddy. I’m sure I can make some food for him, if Sybil doesn’t bring her entire fridge over.”

“She may. She wanted to for Teddy’s party.” 

“Mhmm, I’m sure.” Remus chuckles and Sirius buries his face in his neck. He breathes him in and a sense of warmth and comfort floats over him. Sirius hums softly and feels Remus sigh. 

“I want to wake up with you every morning,” Remus whispers and Sirius’s heart flips in his chest. 

“Me too,” he whispers back and presses a kiss to Remus’s cheek. 

“We’ll have to work on that at some point.”

“Definitely.” Sirius closes his eyes and smiles to himself. “But for now I’m very happy to stay right here.”

“Me too, love. Me too…”

***

“Sirius, baby?” Remus calls, shutting the door softly. 

Sirius looks over from the couch. “I’m over here, love.” 

Remus looks over and Sirius smiles. “He’s already pooped?” Remus asks gently, hanging his coat up. 

“Yeah. We had a movie night. Thought it would get his mind off things,” Sirius admits, running his fingers through Teddy’s hair. 

“Mhmm.” Remus walks over to them and kneels down in front of the couch. He brushes Teddy’s hair back from his forehead and Teddy hums in his sleep. 

“Do you want to put him to sleep?” Sirius asks gently. Remus looks up at him and Sirius feels warm inside.

Lily talked about it once - the way you get when someone is looking at you and you know they love you. How you could be feeling the worst about yourself: your hair could be misbehaving, you feel like you don’t look right in anything you put on, nothing that day has been going right - but the minute they look at you like that, none of that matters anymore.

“It’s so clear in their eyes,” Sirius looked at her disbelievingly back then. 

“Yeah sure.” Sirius huffed. 

“Oh Sirius, one day you’ll find someone who looks at you like that.”

“Maybe,” Sirius said bitterly. He knew better than to doubt Lily Evans, well Lily Potter now, but she’d been right. Love was evident in Remus’s eyes. It was written all over his face and Sirius wanted to melt back into the couch cushions and squeal. 

“Yeah sure.” Remus gently shakes Teddy awake. He mumbles something and Remus chuckles. “Come here, bud.”

He picks Teddy up and sighs. “One day I won’t be able to do this.” 

“Well you can lift me up so…” Sirius shrugs and Remus chuckles. 

“Correction then. One day he won’t let me do this.” 

Sirius laughs and Remus grins as he turns to bring Teddy up the stairs. Sirius pulls a blanket over himself on the couch and lies down. He breathes in the scent and smiles to himself. 

Moony…

He must’ve dozed off in the meantime, because when he wakes up he feels warm arms wrapped around him.

“You could’ve woken me up.” Sirius mumbles. 

“Mhmm, but you’re adorable when you’re asleep.”

“Remus,” Sirius whines, blushing and hiding in his chest. Remus laughs and pulls him closer.

“I feel like I’m kidnapping you.” Remus mumbles into Sirius’s hair. 

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’t seen your own bed in two weeks.”

“Maybe not, but I’ve been happily in yours.” 

Remus chuckles. “I did… beg you to stay the night my mom died, didn’t I?”

“You barely had to. You said please and I was back in the door.” Remus hums and rubs Sirius’s back soothingly. Sirius smiles and rests his head against his chest.

“So I’m not kidnapping you?”

“Kidnapping would imply I’m unwilling.” Sirius looks up into those brown eyes he adores with a smile. “I’m quite happy to stay in your arms.”

“I love you being in them.” Remus squeezes him and Sirius smiles wider, closing his eyes and relaxing against his chest. “You know I grabbed this blanket on purpose,” Remus says softly, running his fingers through Sirius’s hair. 

“You did?” Sirius asks in surprise. 

“Yeah. It was one of yours. I convinced myself for the first month and a half it still smelled like you. Slept with it every night.” 

“I’ve been convincing myself that your blanket back at my home smelt like you for five years.”

“God, we’re pathetic aren’t we?” Remus asks with a small chuckle. The sound vibrates through Sirius’s own chest and he smiles, soaking it in. 

“Pathetic isn’t exactly the word I would use.” Sirius begins to run a hand up Remus’s chest, hearing his breath hitch slightly. “Smitten, a little obsessed - those would probably be a bit more accurate.”

“Head over heels,” Remus adds with a nuzzle. Sirius chases back after him, pressing their foreheads together. 

“Or head over arse. That’s what my brother said I was.” 

Remus laughs and leans in to kiss him. Sirius quickly kisses back, snuggling into his arms. They stay there for a while, wrapped up in each other, enjoying the peace of the moment. Sirius almost falls asleep again before he hears Remus whisper.

“Hey, love?”

“Yeah?” Sirius whispers back. 

“I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so incredibly lucky.” 

Sirius tries not to tear up and squeezes him tightly. “I don’t want to be anywhere else. I’ll always be by your side, Moons. Always.” 

Remus rubs his back gently. “I can’t wait to go on this adventure with you.”

“Me either.”

“But let’s start that by actually going to bed.”

Sirius laughs, but takes his hand. They go towards the stairs when Remus stops in his tracks.

“Oh love, you didn’t.” 

Sirius grins. “Surprise!” Remus turns over the helmet in his hand. It was painted black like Sirius and Teddy’s but had a wolf paw print on the side with the words ‘Moony’. 

“Teddy, your dad and I have been working on it. We wanted to cheer you up a little… and it gave your dad a distraction.” Remus looks up from the helmet with that look of love in his eyes again. Sirius feels butterflies bounce around in his stomach. 

“Also I wanted to keep you safe on that bike. I know you trust me, but I don’t trust everyone else.” Remus chuckles and hangs the helmet up right next to Sirius’s before turning back to him. 

“Thank you.” He cups Sirius’s face and kisses him. Sirius hums and kisses back. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Remus gives him another kiss before walking up the stairs. Sirius stays looking after him for a second before looking back at the helmets on the hook. 

There they were. Moony, Padfoot, and Pup. His family.

Home.

Sirius swallows back the lump forming in his throat at the thought. He casts a look over the wall next to it where Teddy insisted they hang the picture of him getting an award at school. It was the first one on the wall of all three of them together. The first of many, Sirius hoped.

Remus was on Teddy’s right side and Sirius was on his left. He wasn’t sure which of the three of them looked prouder. 

You’re my home. 

“Are you coming, love?” Sirius looks up the stairs and sees Remus with his hand out, looking over at him with a knowing smile. Sirius slips his hand into Remus’s and looks back up into the eyes of the love of his life. The man Sirius was sure he’d spend the rest of his days beside.

His home.

Sirius takes a deep breath and smiles. “Right behind you, love.”

Finally, after years of searching, Sirius was home for good.