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It’s not Kal’s fault that he was too young to remember the destruction of their planet. His seeming disinterest in learning more about the culture and their nearly dead language was another thing entirely, but it wasn’t his fault that he was merely an infant when Jor-El and Lara had lovingly placed him into his pod. Only reassured by the fact that his older cousin would be there to protect him when they reached their new home, a task that should have never been placed on the shoulders of a girl so young. Kara wouldn’t have wanted him to remember anyway. As much as she wishes she could have someone truly understand what she had gone through, no one should have to know what it feels like to have your world quite literally collapsing around you.
Due to the difference in Krypton and Earth’s rotations, it was impossible to calculate the exact Earth day of Krypton’s destruction, but Kara knew. Somehow she could feel it in her bones, the day that sat heavier than others. It wasn’t always the same day, but always around the same time of year. She’d wake up screaming, sometimes, Lena having been accustomed to those kinds of night terrors herself would always try and help to calm her down.
“Listen to my voice, darling. Breathe with me.” She would coach Kara, one hand on her chest, trying to even out her rapid breathing. The questions would come later and Kara would spend tearful hours recounting the vivid nightmare back to her, but all that matters now is making sure that she feels safe.
Both of them know what the annual uptick in nightmares mean, her body reminding her of the trauma of losing an entire world.
She found herself visiting the fortress more and more during this time. Spending hours with the holograms of her parents. The cold, emotionless tones of the projected silhouettes holding none of the loving warmth Kara had grown to know over the twelve years she was able to spend with them, but it was the best she could do. Their responses were limited, only certain vocal prompts eliciting answers mostly about the history of the planet they had once called home. That didn’t stop her from trying.
“I have a girlfriend.” Kara finds herself sharing during one of her visits. On Krypton they didn’t necessarily have hang-ups around sex and gender like they did on Earth, but she still wondered what kind of person her parents would have imagined for her. Or who she would have been paired with had she ever been able to use the matching matrix.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please try again.” Comes the confused response from Alura.
“We’ve been together for almost 3 years now.” Kara continues, her fingers absentmindedly going to her pocket where she’s been holding onto a small velvet box for the past several weeks. A smile coming to her lips just from thinking about Lena.
“Please try again.”
“I’ve even been thinking about proposing. Earth customs are different here, they use rings instead of bracelets.” Kara keeps talking, pulling out the small box and opening it up, a modest-sized diamond sitting on a gorgeous silver band.
“I’m sorry, please try again.” Alura repeats.
The hollow voice of her mother rings in her ears, sniffling as she stuffs the ring back in her pocket. “I love you. I’ll see you soon, ok?” Kara halfheartedly responds, not sure if she’s lying or not. She’s not sure if this is doing more harm than good. It can’t be healthy to spend time on these made-up scenarios of a perfect life with her parents. She’s lucky, the Danvers had been good to her, not everyone is able to find a second family so loving. That doesn’t make it easier though, more often than not the guilt mixes in with the grief and creates a dark, ugly thing in the pit of Kara’s stomach. She flies off, hoping the cold will soothe that ugly feeling trying to claw its way out of her chest.
Lena runs her a bath when she gets home, almost like she could tell that Kara would need it. She doesn’t pry, she helps her wash up and into bed. Their bodies wrapped tightly around each other as their breathing syncs and they both fall into a dreamless sleep.
Kara doesn’t feel as heavy when she wakes up the next morning, having slept through the night successfully without a nightmare.
“What are you up to today, darling?” Lena asks her while wrapping her hands around her middle and resting her head on Kara’s shoulder. She can hear the sleep in Lena’s voice, she had never been much of a morning person, wordlessly Kara hands her a cup of coffee.
“I was thinking about going to the fortress again today.” Kara admits, knowing she’s been spending more and more time there lately. Even more so than past years around this time.
“Take all the time you need, my love” Lena reassures her with the same sad familiarity of someone who knows loss all too well.
She opts to see Zor-El this time. The hologram pales in comparison to the strong comforting presence her father would give off when they were together. The smile on his projected figure did not quite reach his face. Her father would love Lena, she can see the two of them working together on a project. Going back and forth testing what works, bouncing ideas off of each other, playfully teasing each other in a way that only close family can do. Kara can see it so clearly in her mind that she has to choke back a sob when the booming voice jolts her out of her fantasy.
“What is your query?” Zor-El asks again.
“Why me?” Kara settles on asking.
“I am not programmed to answer that.”
“Why do I have to bear the weight of Krypton? Why me? I was only 12!” Kara shouts, dropping to her knees in front of the translucent projection of her father. Reaching and watching her hand pass right through, pounding it down on the floor in front of her as her body is wracked with sobs.
Kara doesn’t go back after that. Lena takes her in her arms when she gets home and they spend the rest of the day wrapped up in each other on the couch, spending hours watching cooking shows and eating takeout. Her ear pressed up against Lena’s chest, listening to her steady heartbeat while fingers comb through her long blonde hair.
When she wakes the next morning, Lena isn’t in bed with her. Groggily wandering into the kitchen, Kara finds her standing at the stove, humming softly under her breath while she makes breakfast for the two of them. The sun is streaming in through the open curtains of the living room, hitting her face in a way that makes her look angelic. The whole scene is so downright domestic that Kara’s heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest.
Walking up behind her, Kara wraps her arms around the brunette’s middle and rests her head on her shoulder.
“Good morning, darling.” Comes Lena’s sleepy response, craning her neck to press a kiss against Kara’s cheek.
“Marry me.” Kara blurts out, forgetting the ring stashed in the bottom of her sock drawer of her dresser. Forgetting the elaborate proposal ideas she had been contemplating for months now.
Lena laughs in response. “I bet you say that to all the girls that make you food.”
Kara shakes her head, gently spinning Lena around to look at her, super speeding into the bedroom to grab the ring and necklace. When she gets back, she’s down on one knee, holding both of them out in her hand and grabbing one of Lena’s with the other. “I’m serious. I’ve been thinking of dozens of proposal ideas but none of them seemed right, but just now, it clicked. After losing Krypton, all I’ve ever wanted was to feel at home and I do. It’s just not a place, it’s you. So, Lena Luthor, will you marry me?” Kara asks again, her beautiful baby blue eyes shining with hope.
“You couldn’t wait until I was out of my pajamas?” Lena laughs wetly, her eyes shining with tears before finally answering. “Yes, yes, of course I’ll marry you.”
She barely gets the words out before Kara is rising back up to wrap her arms around her middle and kissing her breathless, twirling both of them around into the living room. The rays of the sun shining down on both of them as if blessing their engagement in Rao’s light.