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Izuku didn’t feel real to Katsuki. When Izuku had walked into class that day in preschool he thought that the boy was a nymph from the stories his mom had read to him before bed. This little boy smiled brighter than sun rays through a thick grove of forests. Whose freckles dotted his skin in patterns close to constellations. Katsuki felt like Izuku was some apparition that didn’t feel feasible to touch.
That was until the small boy bounded up to Katsuki and refused to leave his side. Always a step behind, always looking at Katsuki with adoring eyes, he wanted nothing more than to keep those eyes on him.
They grew to be fast friends and found they had the same aspirations to be heroes. They were inseparable, but that also meant that Katsuki saw everything that kept Izuku small.
They were four when Katsuki noticed that Hisashi was barely home. He was at Izuku’s apartment with their mom’s talking in the kitchen. They were watching the latest All Might movie matching in their onesies. He had taken notice of the redness under his eyes and the way that Izuku was euphoric with the guests in his home. It ticked Katsuki off.
Izuku, though a happy child most of the time, was way too happy to not be covering something up. He had let slide though and put it into the file that he didn’t even realize he started on the small boy.
The movie ended and he had moved to the kitchen to get their moms to put on the next film when he saw the shaking shoulders of Auntie Inko. Mitsuki was holding her close, and Katsuki felt his feet root to their place at the end of the hallway. Why was Auntie Inko crying? He didn’t like the churning feeling in his gut, so he returned to the living room and diverted to building a fort.
Izuku was quick to start gathering the pillows in a pile in the middle, and together they constructed a small fort. It was made up of two All Might blankets and had taken over the small area of the couch. As both boys cuddled up together in the center, they started talking about what kind of heroes they would be when they grew up. After all, they would be heroes together, right?
It was a few minutes of excited chirping before he noticed Izuku’s drawn-up knees and teary eyes. Was that why his eyes were red earlier? Katsuki was drawn away from his thoughts by a sniffle from the boy next to him. “Kacchan, do you really think I can be a hero?”
Katsuki didn’t breathe. Izuku had a stream of tears staining his freckled cheeks and he watched as each drop landed on his All Might onesie-clad arms. Of course, he thought Izuku could be a hero, they were going to be heroes together, weren’t they?
“Of course, you can be a hero, don’t be stupid Deku.” He turned away from the hiccupping boy. “What kind of question is that?”
“My dad told my mom that I was too small, and that telling me I could become one was a wasted effort.” Izuku had whispered. Katsuki would have missed if it hadn’t been that he was sitting shoulder to shoulder with him. Was this why Auntie Inko was crying with his mom too? He’d never seen Hisashi before, but he’d heard of him. Mostly in harsh words that fell in dark spaces once he went to bed. How his mom would tell his dad that Hisashi was no better a dad than he was a man. He didn’t know what that meant, but he was starting to understand.
He held Izuku close to him and vowed that if he met Hisashi he would not be kind.
Katsuki met Hisashi once. It was right after his quirk manifested and he was walking Izuku back home from their bug hunt. Hisashi was just coming home, and Katsuki was eternally grateful when he saw that he didn’t resemble his friend at all. He had taken one look at the boys and felt as Izuku moved a bit closer and behind Katsuki. Why was Deku afraid of this man?
Katsuki took notice of the convenience store bag in the man’s hand, the sound of bottles clinking dragging his attention to the contents.
“What’s in the bag?” It had slipped past Katsuki’s tongue faster than he had thought it. If he had thought, it at all. The man narrowed his eyes at Katsuki sharply. “They’re spirits.” The man replied in a clipped tone like he didn’t want to explain himself to a child of all things.
“Is your house haunted or something? Why would you bring spirits into the house?” Hisashi sighed and dragged his hand down his face before answering him. “These are good spirits; they make people happy.” Katsuki didn’t believe him. If they were good spirits, why was Izuku hiding his head in between his shoulder blades right now? Is this also why Auntie Inko has been coming over lately? Because of the spirits that this man was bringing home.
Hisashi’s criticizing gaze turned to Izuku. “Izuku, I think it’s time you said goodbye to your friend, don’t you think?” Izuku peeked out from around Katsuki to meet his dad’s gaze. With a nod, he stepped in front of Katsuki and said goodbye before he was led in by his dad. The door slammed and Katsuki clenched his fists. He felt the need to drag Izuku out and back to his house. He didn’t like Hisashi, not one bit.
The high that he got from bug hunting today turned into a rage that his five-year-old body didn’t know how to process. He just wanted Izuku to be okay. He was his hero after all.
That night Auntie Inko had come over without Izuku. She came after dinner, around 8PM, when Katsuki should have been in bed. He had snuck out when he heard the frantic knocking, it’s what a hero would do, to scope out the danger. So, he sat at the top of the stairs in the shadowed part of the hall in his All Might pajamas and watched as his mom dragged Inko inside. Auntie Inko was sobbing, and his parents put on a pot of tea while holding her close. Was this because of the spirits that Hisashi brought into the house earlier?
“I don’t know what to do anymore Mitsuki. He yells at Izuku all the time, for the smallest things. The fact that he looks nothing like him or how he hasn’t developed a quirk yet…He’s so angry all the time.” Katsuki felt his fist coiling at his sides again. Deku was in danger. He was probably hiding somewhere, away from the spirits that made his dad angry. Katsuki sat there a minute longer before turning to bed. He’d save Izuku from the bad spirits in his house, he could live here with them. He should ask his mom if Auntie Inko and Izuku would be able to move in with them, then they won’t be hurt by the spirits anymore. It sounded like a great plan to him.
Hisashi had left. They were six and it was April. Spring was a time for new beginnings, and it seemed like Hisashi wanted one far far away from this continent. He had heard his mom say that he left for America with little to no notice. Izuku looked smaller if that was even possible. Katsuki found out what had nailed the coffin shut for Hisashi. Izuku was quirkless. Does that mean that Izuku wouldn’t be a hero? Their dream crumbled into ash at Katsuki’s feet and he watched it blow away with the cherry blossoms.
Katsuki made a decision. If Hisashi had left because Izuku couldn’t be a hero, then that must mean that Izuku would only hold him back from being the best one there was. He was going to be number one. No matter what. So, with their dreams, Katsuki left Izuku with them. Even if Deku sat with them trying to save the ashes in vain, Katsuki didn’t care anymore. He didn’t look back, though he felt the presence of the other boy clinging on to him just like that day outside his apartment.
He would never admit it, but Katsuki still loved Izuku. Even in middle school, the nerd was everywhere. In the back of the class, on his block, at the grocery store, at every All Might-themed store… It didn’t matter Deku was there. Still clinging close to him in a way that made him feel like he was being dragged underwater. It was suffocating how the boy hung around with the pile of their dreams drawn across his back. He wasn’t proud of his actions. The bullying was at first a way for him to ensure that Deku wouldn’t be able to look down on him after the river incident. Katsuki had been afraid of falling off that bridge. He had seen so many jump and fall in with the water rushing over them. Six-year-old Katsuki wanted nothing more than to stay on dry ground, especially cause his explosions wouldn’t work as well if he got wet.
But Izuku was there holding his hand out, smiling down at Katsuki. He was paralyzed by fear then, and thought that in his most fragile moment, how unfair it was that quirkless Deku had to come to his rescue.
The bullying evolved to be more physical. Burning of skin, textbooks, notebooks, anything to make him stay away. It gutted him when he saw how the younger boy would look at him teary-eyed and would flinch at his sight alone, but it was necessary. That’s what he kept telling himself anyway.
Then the sludge villain attack happened. And suddenly Deku was the only one who reached his hand out to Katsuki again. Deku has been the only one in his whole life that has seen Katsuki scared. Has seen him fall victim to the paralyzing recognition that he couldn’t fight back. That he wasn’t strong enough. He wasn’t strong enough. How could he save anyone if he couldn’t even save himself?
He didn’t want to admit it to himself. He didn’t want to admit that Deku was more hero than he could ever be because in the control of the sludge villain; Deku looked ethereal. As he struggled to steal gasps of air, he kept his eyes on Deku. The way the fire reflected off his eyes like fireflies, the way his forest green hair swayed with the force with which he tried to disconnect Katsuki from the sludge. He could die like this. With Deku fighting for him. His gut turned when the next thing he noticed was the tears streaming down the nerd’s face. He couldn’t give up now. He couldn’t die. He needed air.
Then All Might came, and Katsuki barely remembered it. His favorite hero, his idol was standing before him, and all of his thoughts were focused on Izuku. He couldn’t die. Izuku couldn’t die.
He regretted what he had said that day. Had wished he never told him to swan dive off the roof. His stomach did that sharp turn again. What had he become? When did he become Hisashi?
That thought made him throw up all the twisted feelings of false hatred toward Izuku in the middle of the street.
As the medics surrounded him, he shook around the pile of buried guilt that he had let out. He was worse than scum, he was no hero.
Deku had a quirk. At first, Katsuki was confused. Then angry. And then it settled in his throat with the threat of tears as the dream he had thought was ash was starting to be pieced back together.
He was reluctant at first. He had thought it was a cruel joke. That because he was so quick to abandon the dream. To abandon Deku. The Fate’s must be laughing at him. You weren’t good enough. You wouldn’t be number one.
Katsuki knew deep down that it wasn’t Deku’s fault. He knew that All Might gave him his quirk; but, seeing him break himself over and over again till there were enough scars to outnumber the freckles that once were scattered across his skin. It made Katsuki angry.
Angry that he wasn’t good enough to be a hero for the both of them. Angry that Deku was literally breaking himself for the dream they once shared and had been putting it back together all of these years…it made him feel small. Useless.
Deku was leagues ahead of him. In the back of Katsuki’s mind, he knew that Izuku was better than him. It didn’t matter if he was quirkless or not, Izuku was a better hero than him in every sense of the word.
He was All Might’s successor. Not Katsuki.
He saved countless people. Not Katsuki.
He got his hero license on the first try. Not Katsuki.
Everyone believed that Izuku could be a hero. Not Katsuki.
It wasn’t Deku’s fault. It never was. It was Katsuki’s fault. It was his fault for giving up. His fault for hurting Izuku. His fault for every insecurity that developed after Hisashi left. He was worse than a villain. He was dirt. How could Izuku ever forgive him?
How was Izuku still fighting for him? When the villains took him through the portal. The sight haunted him. Izuku’s arms mangled and purple, screaming for them to be given back to him. Like a possession. He had told him to stay away as Shigaraki held his fingers around his throat and whispered threats that he knew would land if he disobeyed there.
He could be a hero here. The hero Izuku needed. He couldn’t fight, but Katsuki could. So, he told him to stay as Izuku saw the fear in his eyes for the third time.
It was his fault.
It was his fault that All Might ended.
If only he was stronger. If only he was like Izuku. All Might wouldn’t be done for. Wouldn’t have fought All for One and lost his powers.
His hero was no more, all because he was too weak.
Things were better between him and Izuku. He apologized after watching Izuku run himself thin as a vigilante. He was right. We couldn’t keep up. No one, not even the pros could match Izuku. It scared Katsuki.
The small boy he had once known was nothing but an unhinged power.
Izuku wasn’t ‘useless’ anymore. If anything, it was Katsuki who was useless. Threatened by his own inferiority. One he had projected onto Izuku in hopes that it would leave him entirely.
But here he was. Standing in front of the person who he was trying to stay ahead of only to be left in the dust. Izuku was bigger than either of them could have dreamed at four. Bigger than the dream they shared. And now it was Katsuki holding on desperately to the pieces that Izuku had so carefully put together. It was his turn to put the rest of the pieces together.
He would start here.
At this moment. He will hold Izuku up and share the weight. Just like he should have been doing. He’ll be Atlas in his place, if only to make sure that the world doesn’t collapse without Deku holding them up.
He could be his pillar. It was the least he could do. It was all he could hope to do.
It was July and the summer showers had pattered to soft drops. It was their third year when Izuku told Katsuki that Hisashi was back. Suddenly the image of the man that was Izuku’s father flashed before his eyes.
His fists curled. It had been a while since he had heard that name. It still made his stomach coil in anger. Made his throat dry and prepared to scream. He wondered what that man wanted after over a decade of not being in Deku’s life.
“He wants to see me. Mom says that he’s back from the States. I told her I didn’t want to see him, but I don’t know what to do right now.” Flashbacks from Auntie Inko crying to his mom come streaming through his vision as Izuku recites those exact words. He grabbed Izuku dragging him to his room.
It wasn’t until they were safely settled on his floor, holding Izuku an arm’s reach away, that he told him to not see his dad. If Katsuki could be a hero, he could be Izuku’s hero.
He won’t let Izuku go back to that haunted house.
He won’t let Izuku go back into hiding.
They were heroes now. They were going to the same agency after graduating.
They were going to fulfill the dream they shared, and Hisashi wasn’t going to ruin this.
He wasn’t going drag Izuku into his haunted dwellings and ruin the one thing Katsuki wanted to protect.
Little him failed at being Izuku’s hero. He wouldn’t fail this time. He promised.