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“Satoru.” A firm hand gently shakes his shoulder. “Satoru, wake up.”
Satoru’s eyes open to find a blurry figure hovering over him. The noon sun blinds him and he has to squint to focus on their features. The silhouette looks familiar and so does their smile. That smile. It haunts him, but he can't recall why. “Suguru?”
The rest of the face finally comes into focus as if his words were the key, revealing a softly smiling Suguru. “Hi, you’re finally awake.”
How is he… “Where are we?”
“Next to the High School’s training grounds. You fell asleep while I was training.” Satoru sits up in the blink of an eye and looks around, taking in the familiar landscape. How did he get here? He looks over Suguru’s shoulder to make sure he wasn’t lying, and sure enough, he sees a few of Suguru’s favorite weapons strewn about. Even then, this still doesn’t make any sense. Suguru’s de— “So are you going to get up or not?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Satoru takes Suguru’s hand without a second thought and lets himself be pulled up. Suguru’s hand feels so warm in his, soft even, except for the firm calluses that mark skill. It also feels foreign in Satoru’s hand, which is odd since he swears he used to know it better than his own. There even used to be a time where he believed Suguru’s hands only belonged in his. He brushes off the confusion, chalking up all his unease to a weird nap.
Satoru casually dusts himself off, removing all the little blades of grass that had clung to him while he was asleep. Suguru watches patiently, a small smile still on his lips. His general good demeanor is off putting to say the least, but it’s nice seeing the other sorcerer so cheerful. Usually, Suguru’s smiles feel at least a bit strained. Not really around Satoru, but still, they were rarely quite as natural as now. He grins back, pretending to be fine.
Once Satoru feels clean enough, they start walking. Suguru seems to know where he’s going, so Satoru follows along without question. Actually, he does have a lot of questions. Why is Suguru so happy? Where are they going? And most importantly, why does the world feel…off? Something about the place seems uneasy, but no matter how hard Satoru thinks, he can’t place it. He tries to get rid of the feeling, and when nothing works, he decides to talk to Suguru. That always helped. “Sooo, where are we going? Do you even know, or is this some kind of joke?”
“You’re so impatient. It hasn’t even been a minute yet.”
Satoru tilts his head back to look up at the perfect sky. The clouds are fluffier than what he thought possible and the sun is shining bright, making Suguru look impossibly pretty. He sighs, wishing Suguru would just tell him where they’re going already.
“You could just tell me. I think that’s a good idea. Or at least buy me a soda.” Suguru turns around and rolls his eyes at the statement. Satoru shrugs and stifles a snicker. Annoying Suguru was surprisingly easy, but Satoru knows the eye roll was more of endearment than actual annoyance. If he asked again, Suguru would probably fold.
Before Suguru can turn back around, Satoru grabs his shoulders, pulling himself closer to his boyfriend and trying to annoy him even more. The lack of distance is dizzying and he can feel a blush crawling up his neck. He brushes a light kiss against Suguru’s cheek, something he needs to do more often, honestly. “You’re so mean to me, Suguru.”
Suguru shrugs him off with no real malice. Satoru’s pretty sure he’s trying hard not to smile. “Wow, I wonder why?” he says in a deadpan voice.
Backing away with his hands up, Satoru exaggerates a heavy sigh. He likes to think that he would have made a good actor, maybe even Hollywood level. Perhaps in another life. “I’m sorry, oh great one. I’ll follow behind in silence…if you get me a soda.”
Satoru watches the single thread of patience Suguru has snap.
“Oh my god . I’ll buy you a soda if you want one so bad.” Suguru digs into his pocket for his wallet. He counts the cash and mumbles something Satoru is sure is directed towards him. He doesn’t care though, wearing a victorious grin instead. It was just like always. “I only have enough for one, though. If you try to get anything else it’s coming from your pocket.”
“You’re the best. Anyone ever told you that?” Satoru half skips to Suguru’s side in an unnecessary display of happiness. Suguru just lets out an exasperated breath. Satoru was the equivalent of a smug toddler sometimes. A loveable smug toddler.
They buy drinks and continue their walk.
As Satoru walks beside Suguru with his soda, he feels something akin to nostalgia. All of this feels like it happened a lifetime ago, which is weird because it’s happening now. He grabs Suguru’s hand, interlocking their fingers to try and tether himself to the present. At least he isn’t feeling the weird unease from earlier anymore. Suguru looks at him with confusion. Satoru’s touchy, that’s for sure, but they never really hold hands. Satoru plays it off with a bright grin and an animated sip of his soda. The other sorcerer shrugs the behavior off, taking a sip of his own drink. Satoru lets out a small sigh of relief and tries to just enjoy the feeling of walking with Suguru.
It’s nice walking together. Being next to Suguru is filling some hole in Satoru’s heart he wasn’t aware of in the first place. He feels happy, content even.
Huh, he hasn’t felt that in a while.
He almost wishes it would never end, even though he’s dying to find out where Suguru is taking him. Satoru doesn’t know if time is magically being stretched out or what, but it sure feels like it. It’s okay, though. If it is, it means he can hold Suguru’s hand for a bit longer.
Soon, they finally make it to where Suguru’s been leading them. “A bike ? That’s what brought us all the way here?”
Suguru smiles at him, a mischievous look in his eyes. It excites Satoru. Whenever Suguru has that look on his face it means he has something he knows Satoru will love. Last time something like this happened, Suguru had given Satoru his sunglasses. He had complained about Six-eyes and the migraines it gave him so much that Suguru had gotten them custom ordered. Now he never goes anywhere without them, something that has garnered quite a bit of teasing from Suguru. Satoru couldn’t help it. He still remembers the bolt of disbelief that shot through his heart when he first saw them. It’s hard to believe someone loves him that much.
“Don’t worry. This will be worth it.” Satoru sits on the package carrier behind Suguru with a shrug. If Suguru says this will be worth it, who is he to judge so soon?
“You do know this is technically illegal though, right?” When Suguru turns to look at him with an impossibly big grin, Satoru figures that was probably the point. He can’t help but grin back, captivated by how happy Suguru looks. As much as he hates to admit it, the strongest isn’t that strong around Suguru.
Without warning, the other sorcerer starts peddling at full speed. The sudden motion almost throws Satoru off the bike. Before he can think about it, he grabs Suguru’s waist and pulls himself toward it. He can hear Suguru laugh at the action, painting Satoru’s cheeks a tint of red. His laugh is like music to Satoru’s ears, a melody he’ll never get tired of.
“Are you okay back there?” Suguru’s voice is barely audible over the gale and Satoru has to strain his ears to hear it. Despite barely putting together the words, Satoru can still hear the thinly veiled concern laced into the man’s words. He supposes it makes sense. He’s holding on pretty tight while collecting his bearings, definitely not just because he likes hugging Suguru. Definitely not.
“I’m not a child, Suguru.”
“You sure act like one. If you hold on any tighter I might just bruise.” Satoru can hear a teasing lilt in his voice. This bitch, he thinks he can just make fun of him.
Satoru lets out a dramatic angry huff. “Not my fault you’re so fragile.”
“And it’s not my fault you’re such a coward.”
“Excuse me? Did you just call me a coward? Do you even know what a coward is?” Satoru straightens significantly now, his hands only loosely holding Suguru.
“I see one everyday. And, if you’re really not, then why haven’t you let go yet?”
Satoru sighs, forcing his expression into a heartbroken one even if Suguru can’t see it. It’s hard to keep in place with the humor of the whole situation putting him on the edge of laughter. “If I fall off because of you, you’re paying my hospital bills and caring for me like I’m your sick, dying mother. I expect the greatest care.”
“If you don’t lose your ego soon, I’ll be pushing you off myself.”
“And now you’re back to being mean to me.” Satoru fake pouts and finally releases his grip on Suguru. He rests his hands behind his head and instead enjoys the breeze washing over him. It provides some good relief from the sun. The warmth of Suguru’s body still lingers in his hands, making them feel warm and fuzzy. This experience was well worth the wait, Satoru decides. Nothing’s better than breaking the law on one of his precious days off with the person closest to him which he barely gets to see anymore.
Disturbing his train of thought, Suguru yells, “Get ready!”
Satoru looks over Suguru’s shoulder, seeing the start of a steep slope. His eyes widen, half in fear, half in excitement. This will either end with them having a fun adrenaline rush or lying on the ground off the side of the path, desperately waiting for Shoko to find them. Either way, he’s up for it. Satoru lifts his hands up like he’s at the top of a rollercoaster, preparing for the drop.
With a deep breath, Suguru forces his legs to go as fast as possible. They pick up speed quickly, and by the time they reach the slope, they catch air. For a few breathless moments, they float weightlessly together, just the two of them against the world, grins far too big for their faces. This is definitely a bad idea, but neither of them care enough to get worried now.
They come crashing down to the earth with force. Suguru barely gets the bike under control and Satoru is pretty sure his life just flashed before his eyes. Him subconsciously turning on Infinity before they landed is probably the only reason they weren’t lying in broken heap actually.
Satoru’s heart is pounding in his chest and his vision is blurred at the edges. It’s a horrible yet also addicting feeling. He lets out a choked laugh that devolves into full on wheezing. Suguru bursts out laughing right after, both of them laughing like idiots together. Satoru half watches as Suguru tries to pay attention to the road in front of him, but it’s hard to do with tears forming in the corner of his eyes. Satoru motions for them to pull over for Suguru’s sake.
Suguru shakily stops the bike beside a big oak tree. They both stumble off, almost instantly crumpling to the floor. Their legs feel like spaghetti from the adrenaline rush and laughing too hard. Satoru thinks it's amusing. He can’t remember the last time they laughed like this together. It feels…like it's been too long. He raises his head to look at Suguru who’s half curled up on the floor. The sorcerer’s clutching his stomach while his body refuses to calm down. He looks so pretty. The light in his hair, the smile on his face, the sound of him.
Satoru crawls towards Suguru and forces him to lie flat on his back. Suguru stops heaving for Satoru to curl up in the crook of his arm. It feels comfortable there, Suguru’s presence engulfing him. He smells like jasmine. Suguru smiles down at him softly, pulling Satoru in closer until all he can feel and sense is Suguru, and he loves it. Suguru is like the best pillow to ever exist. Satoru takes a moment to imagine the gagging noises Shoko would be making right now before stubbing out her cigarette and joining him, resting her head on Suguru’s other arm.
They lay there, under the shade of the large oak tree, hiding both from the sun and the world. It’s just them there. When was the last time it was just them? It feels like ages ago, but that was the case for nearly everything today. Satoru decides it isn’t important how long it’s been since they did something, only the fact that they’re doing it now. With the way their schedules are, it should be considered a miracle they even have a free day together.
A large gentle hand starts stroking Satoru’s back. He looks up at Suguru who’s staring at the clouds with a distant look. Satoru opens his mouth to ask what’s wrong, but Suguru begins talking before he ever gets the chance, his voice gentle but sad. Like someone telling a child a lie to protect them from the pain of life. “Go to sleep, Satoru. I’ll see you soon, dear.”
●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●
Satoru's eyes slowly flutter open. His long white lashes brush against the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He feels so cold. On reflex, he turns to his side to pull Suguru closer and make him feel warm again. The man is like a portable heater. Satoru’s hand phases through the non-existent person, instead hitting the even colder other side of the mattress. He inhales sharply, trying hard not to let the walls guarding his emotions suddenly collapse. Right. Dead.
Dead, dead, dead… Satoru curls up into himself, holding his boney figure as close as possible. He feels smaller today. (When was the last time he ate?) He isn’t strong enough to hold back the onslaught of emotions. He killed him. Satoru fucking Gojo had to kill his one love, and now his memories will forever haunt him. For being the strongest, he sure feels weak right now. Sometimes he wishes he could be like Shoko, too drunk or high to remember the past.
Inside his ribcage, Satoru’s heart feels like it’s being choked. A strong hand’s breaking it, squishing out all the love and hope. In his mind, it takes the form of Suguru’s, but Satoru doesn’t want to think about what that implies.
He has so many regrets. He wishes he could have convinced Suguru to stay, to be with him. He wishes he had turned his Infinity off more just so Suguru could’ve held him close more often—so he could’ve held Suguru closer more often. He wishes he had told Suguru how much he loves him more. So, so many regrets but no second chances. Memories of watching Suguru’s dead body sitting limply in the alley swarm Satoru’s mind. He remembers his mind being filled with a singular thought on repeat: “This is my fault.”
Even though he did what was best for the world, Satoru felt like he had let it down. Probably because he had let his world down. He curls up tighter, hiding from the morning sun under his covers. The tears had overflowed a while ago, and they made his face a wet mess. His eyes sting and his nose is getting runny. Satoru hates crying, but Suguru always made him.
Satoru wants to quit. He wants to quit being a sorcerer, quit being the strongest, quit livi—no, he needs to keep living. For his students. For Megumi and Tsumiki. Satoru takes a deep breath and wills himself to sit up. Every part of his body feels fragile, and he’s pretty sure he’s shaking like a leaf. If Suguru was here, he would hug him, gently bringing him back down to the pillow. He would hold Satoru to his chest and whisper soft reassurances in his ear. Satoru starts shaking even harder. He can’t help it if Suguru is the only thing on his mind. His voice was sweeter than honey and his smile was dazzling, outshining even the sun. Why did Suguru have to go his separate way?
Unable to hold himself up any longer, Satoru crashes back down onto the bed. His fingernails dig into the pillow while all that runs through his mind is “Suguru, dead, Suguru, his Suguru.” He buries his face into the beaten up pillow, letting all his sobs out. Strong, he was supposed to be strong.
There is no bringing back Suguru. There is no use wanting to bring back Suguru. Satoru hates himself for how hurt he is by the thought.
He should have never let him slip away. He should have done better. He should have been better.
“I’m sorry.”