Chapter Text
Jon has basically locked himself away in the archives, working at his desk. He looks tired, stressed, and won't leave the tape recorder out of arm's reach.
Lately at the Institute things have been rough, what with Prentiss being destroyed and Jon's strange need to be alone most of the time, the others haven't really gotten a chance to talk to him. Martin especially is worried, trying to do everything he can to make sure Jon is okay and that he really is fine to be returning to work this soon...
Tim has taken a bit longer to return, so why was Jon so insistent that he was fine although Martin could clearly see that he was still limping?
Jon did his best to end his conversations with Martin as soon as possible, not wanting to involve him in his private investigations of the tunnels or Gertrude's death. He did his best to keep quiet about it, and he did believe that Martin wasn't suspecting a thing. However, that could not be farther from the truth.
Martin knew Jon was hiding something, though what it was he did not know. He just wished Jon would tell him what's wrong, tell him what's bothering him.
He keeps thinking about that conversation they had in the storage room. The conversation alone together, starting out as just a description of what was going on outside, evolving into... A heart to heart.
He had told Martin that he felt like being watched when recording statements, and why couldn't he get that out of his mind? Why did he worry so about Jon?
Oh, it was probably his hopeless romantic heart worrying for what he wished would one day be his partner. But he knows that would never happen in a million years.
He just worries so much about Jon, he wants to take care of him but he pushes Martin away so ferociously he sometimes worries if he even cares for him. Martin does all he can for now, checking in on Jon in the few and far between conversations they have.
He does his best to check in whenever possible, ask if he needs anything. Usually it's an, "I'm busy, Martin, not right now" so Martin dejectedly leaves. Lately Jon has been acting more shifty, seeming panicked when recording certain statements when he walks in.
He has no clue why, but has an odd feeling it's got to do with whatever Jon is hiding from him.
Tim recently returned to work, and upon noticing this change in Jon has started to worry as well. He thought that the close relationship they had before the Prentiss incident would've led Jon to trust him more, but it seems that he's just pushing Tim farther away now.
It's like he wants Tim the farthest away from anything he's doing, even reluctant to ask for his help researching statements. When they do talk, Tim tries to be friendly like nothing happened but Jon looks so solemn when this happens, like he can't reciprocate the feeling.
Jon looks so dejected at the fact Tim tries to be friendly, it hurts his soul. He just wants Jon to know he's there. To know that they went through something together, they were both scarred now so why didn't it strengthen their bond?
Why didn't it make Jon love him?? That was a separate problem completely, but Tim did feel frustrated at this too.
Honestly, he was starting to get annoyed at the fact that Jon was the most distant with him. It's like he was doing something personal against Jon any time he was around.
All he wanted was to love Jon, have something special, but that didn't seem like it was happening anytime soon. Tim had brought this up with Martin, about Jon's disconnection from them that seemed so off.
Martin had shared that yes, this had actually been going on since he got back and it felt like he was hiding something. Tim did his best to keep up the act of friendliness around Jon, no matter how distant he may feel.
He wanted Jon so desperately to love him. He couldn't see this ever happening with how detached he was with Tim, however.
Jon had been spending as much time as possible away from everyone else. He didn't want them to get involved in something like Prentiss again, and he sure as hell didn't want them to get hurt.
He hated seeing Tim, with the same scars as him. He hated that it was basically his fault they even got hurt. Jon felt it was his responsibility to care for his crew, no matter how far he'd have to push them away.
It was necessary, for they wouldn't get hurt that way. They wouldn't get in the way.
His top worry right now was the tunnels, what secrets they hid and what was down there. He desperately needed to know this, planning his treks into the tunnels smartly.
No one even noticed he had done so, and if they had they haven't said anything. Then again, he probably hasn't given them the opportunity to say anything... Anyways, it was still his priority to figure out what was going on down there, and less importantly why he still felt like he was being watched.
Prentiss was gone, he knew that, he saw the ashes, but why did he still have this horrible feeling?
Jon was stressed enough as it is, having to continue on with his work as normal during the day and plan his personal adventures at night, so he hadn't been getting much sleep. He never got any sleep anymore. Usually it was about 3-5 hours if he got any, and the occasional falling asleep at his desk and getting woken up by Martin asking if he needed a drink.
He was glad for Martin's worry but it did get a bit much at times, even annoying. He understood why of course, but he wished he didn't have to push him away so harshly..
He wished that his words never came out so rough, but he couldn't help it. There was something about the way his mind was working, the way it was frantically looking for deeper meanings and connections between the things he didn't understand that made him become this way.
It's not like he could stop it. That's just how it was. Maybe he should shower soon.
Presently, Jon was recording a statement. Martin and Tim had been discussing their newest interactions with Jon, where he had blankly given them the rundown of a new statement and asked them to look for things.
They told each other how stressed and tired he looked, how his voice had seemed much more scratchy and deadpan than normal. Tim brought up his personal feelings about it.
"I just feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me any more, you know? It's like he wants the least amount of anything to do with me. I don't understand, shouldn't an experience like that have brought us closer? "
Martin thought for a moment before replying, "I'm not sure. Jon doesn't seem to be taking it as well as anyone else would have, and he's always frightened at the mention of Prentiss. At first it was hard to convince him she was dead. "
"I'm aware. He's so much more skittish as of late, yeah? More jumpy. "
"Yeah, I've um.. I've noticed too. It's like he's hiding something. Like he doesn't want us to know anything about what he records on that tape recorder. "
"Hm. You're right. " Tim resigned from the conversation, thinking hard about this.
Tim and Martin sat and thought about this a while. They pondered over how to approach Jon next time they saw him, if that would even be today.
Jon stayed late almost every night, even Elias started to worry about his sleeping schedule, as it hadn't gotten this bad ever. Every day, Jon came to the Institute as early as possible. He would get started on his work as soon as Elias would let him, although sometimes Jon wouldn't even leave for the night.
Elias would get there in the morning and find him passed out at his desk, or in the storage room curled up in the center quite knocked out. Every time Elias did find him like that, he felt an obligation to, at the very least, cover him up. He couldn't help it, Jon looked so pitiful passed out like that. It seemed to be the only time that Jon looked peaceful.
Jon just finished recording a statement, and sighed. He put his hands on his face and groaned, glad the feeling of being watched was lessened now.
Martin knocked and walked into Jon's office, having the intent of seeing how he was. Or even catching him recording one of those more secret tapes.
"Hey Jon, did you want a drink or anything? It's almost 2pm and I don't think I saw you eat lunch today."
"No, Martin, I'm fine. If I'm hungry I'll get food. Stop worrying about me and get on with your own things." Jon had an edge to his voice.
"Ah. Alright then." Martin hesitated a moment in the doorway, hand resting on the handle.
"Um, Jon?"
"What is it now, Martin?" Jon turned to look at him with an annoyed expression.
"Well, I was just wondering if you were feeling okay. You seem constantly exhausted and- um- you just seem to be having a hard time. You know I'm here for you, right Jon?"
"... What?" Jon was caught off guard with this, actually letting his true confusion show.
"I'm here for you to talk to. As well as Tim and Sasha. I know you may not like to admit it but we're your friends, so if you have problems you come to us, right?"
"... yes, I suppose. I may look like I'm having a hard time Martin, but I assure you it's the normal amount of stress. There's nothing happening. Okay?"
"... Alright. I'll leave you to it then." Martin slowly closes the door and leaves to go back to whatever he was doing before.
Martin couldn't help but feel like Jon wasn't being fully honest with him. Every time he tried to offer any sort of consolation or help, Jon always pushed it away.
It was never the same excuse, either. He had used the 'normal amount of stress' excuse a few times now, sometimes an 'I'm just tired' or even 'I don't know what you're talking about'. Martin knew by now that no matter how many attempts he may make, there's nothing he could say to make Jon tell him anything. There's no way to force him to tell him something.
No matter how badly he wanted to tell Jon his true feelings, there certainly would be no time for it now. Even then, he would probably just be flatly rejected anyways. With how hateful Jon is towards them, the anger in his voice if Martin showed his true feelings... It hurt to think about.
Tim knew he had to talk to Jon. Not only because of the fact he had more information on a statement, but because Jon's condition is seeming to worsen. He's getting more tired, more messy and even grosser looking. Tim doesn't know the last time Jon showered, and frankly doesn't think he wants to either.
Sometimes when Jon isn't looking, Tim will observe him. He notices how, when recording statements, his eyes start to dart around as if someone else were watching. Tim sees the panic in his voice the way his lips tremble. There's no reason in particular why he was staring at his lips, just that they were trembling, alright?
Tim knocked and seemed to have startled Jon a bit. He was probably nodding off and didn't even notice, but was wide awake and aggravated as Tim stood in the doorway.
"Hey, I have some more information for the statement you told me about yesterday. Here you go." Tim hands Jon some papers. Various police reports.
"Ah- thank you Tim." Jon takes them and immediately starts looking over them, seeming to be scanning for something specific.
"Hey Jon, hope you don't mind my asking, but are you alright? It looked like you were nodding off when I walked in."
Jon was ticked off by this. "Yes, fine. Why does everyone keep asking if I'm okay? I'm clearly fine, I'm doing work as normal and everything's alright."
"Just worried man, you don't look too hot. When was the last time you.. er... Showered?" Tim says this last bit with hesitation, not wanting to set Jon off. It was already too late.
"Why are you concerned about that? It's frankly none of your business, and I find it quite rude that you'd even ask that. I'm COMPLETELY FINE. Just leave me alone now, will you?"
"Ouch. Harsh." Tim clutches his chest as if he had been hurt in the heart. Jon does not find this amusing, glaring daggers at Tim.
"Please leave. I have things to get to." Jon spoke this with a sternness that sounded like a command rather than a request.
"Things? Yeah? Very important, are they? So much so that you do your best to avoid me, is it?"
"They are very important and if it looks like I have been avoiding you then I'm sorry, I have simply been Busy." this sorry was clearly just to get Tim out as soon as possible, very fake.
"Yeah, so busy you can't even bother to go to your own home for once and shower. Seriously, you look bad."
"I don't care how bad I look as long as this gets done. As long as I-" Jon exhales quickly, losing his temper fast. He can't have Tim around much longer or he's going to have some problems. He decides to appease Tim's want for Jon to look nice. "Look, I'll go home at a decent time tonight if it makes you Happy as long as you don't bother me any longer. Sound good?"
Tim looks at him suspiciously. "Decent would be what, in your standards?"
Jon considers this for a moment. "Ahh- I would say... 12am? 3 hours earlier than usual.. (If at all..)" He adds the last bit under his breath.
Tim raises an eyebrow in high suspicion. "No. That simply won't do. You're going home at 10:30 tonight, then I won't bother you. Deal or no deal?" Tim smiled mischievously and held out his hand like you would make a deal to the devil.
Jon rolls his eyes and shakes his hand. "Fine. 10:30pm it is. Now please leave me alone."
Tim turns to leave, and right before closing the door he says, "Don't forget to shower, too." He now goes to tell Martin of his accomplishments.
Jon hates looking at Tim. Well, he used to love it, and sometimes still does, but now seeing the scars that cover him makes Jon feel sick. It makes him feel guilty, like he could've prevented it. He didn't know why, but Jon always felt like it was his fault. Ruining that beautiful face and body of his.. No, mustn't get distracted. The fact is, Jon hated that they both shared these scars.
He didn't know why exactly, just knew that it made him feel uneasy. The guilt he felt for affecting Tim that way was almost indescribable. It was directly causing an irreversible change to someone you love. Or rather, loved.
Yes, Jon was certain he didn't love Tim anymore, and that the sight of him made Jon sick, so it simply can't be that he loves Tim. Though, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself this, it simply wasn't true. He loved Tim so much, he was quite charming and not bad looking either, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. Jon didn't want to admit it.
He also didn't want to admit that he loved Martin. Martin was so soft and caring, though annoying with his constant worry. It was amazing how he worried for Jon in the first place. He'd never take the time to think about this though, because he wouldn't let himself think about it. No, there were more important matters at hand. The tunnels. Gertrude and her possible killers actually in the building with him.
No matter how much he may love them, he can't trust them. If he can't trust them, he can't love them. He just simply couldn't take that risk.
Jon has convinced himself that someone here has to be the killer of Gertrude Robinson. But who? Who was it? Would it be safe to trust anyone at all? Even with the small task of research? He found it hard to be Martin, but it didn't mean he wasn't capable. Tim was suspicious, sure, but he wasn't the most suspicious. Elias stuck out like a sore thumb. Everything seemed wrong about him to Jon, and it seemed obvious.
Maybe a little too obvious. Which is why he couldn't trust anyone at all. It could be anyone. There is no reason to it, there is so little known about it. All Jon knows is that he Can't. Trust. Anyone. After contemplating this for a long time, he checks the time and realizes it's almost 10:30. The time he promised Tim he would leave. Tim had already left by now, so he wouldn't know if Jon stayed a little longer..
No, it wouldn't feel right. No matter how little he trusted Tim, he couldn't just outright go against his promise like that. So, Jon gathered his things and headed home. His home was somewhat desolate, seeing how he barely occupied it.
Jon looked in a bathroom mirror for the first time in a long time. He noticed the scars that were on his face. The rest were covered as of right now. Jon stared for a long time. The thought of that feeling again made him shudder. He touched his hair and questioned when had been the last time he showered? Considering he didn't remember, he assumed he should now.
Jon showered, and headed to bed almost immediately. His legs ached after standing in the shower, not accustomed to being used. He hadn't even realized how tired he was until he laid down for a moment. Slowly, he drifted off, and slept. Until the sound of his alarm woke him in the morning.
Martin had gotten to work a bit earlier, hoping to catch Jon and ask him if he had eaten breakfast yet. To Martin's surprise, Jon wasn't there yet. He had half expected to find him sleeping in the storage room or his office, but he was in neither and wasn't even working in his office. Martin asked Elias if Jon had come in yet, and Elias simply said no.
"No, I think he must've actually gone home last night. Might've actually slept decently, who knows."
"Huh. Alright then." Martin walks away slightly dumbfounded, as this hasn't happened since... Well, since before Prentiss. A good deal before Prentiss at that. Since Martin had come so early, Tim wasn't here yet, nor Sasha. So, he decided to write some poems... Work hadn't officially started yet, so why not?
Jon walked in around 8:45am, which was 30 minutes later than Martin. He walked in, seeming more awake than usual, though not by much. Walking into his office, he sat down, rubbing his thigh in slight pain and sighed. He blinked heavily a moment, trying to get back in the mood of work. This was far from his usual schedule, and felt it alien to start work this late.
Martin noticed he had come in, and knocked on Jon's door. He walked in a second later, seeing Jon was a bit less sleepy than normal.
Martin fought the urge to smile, loving to see than Jon looked better. "Hey Jon, how was your sleep last night? I heard that you went home earlier."
"Ah, yes. I did. It was... Strange. This is strange. I don't like coming to work so late." though Jon looked better, he was still so negative about everything.
"Yeah, but it's better for you. Speaking of, have you had breakfast yet?" Martin inquired as casually as possible.
"Hmm.. If you count slightly burnt toast as breakfast, then yes." Jon didn't usually eat breakfast, since he got to work so early all the time. Today, he did though, as he was Starving when he woke up. It was likely because he didn't eat dinner last night, and ate "lunch" at 3pm.
"God!! No Jon, that's nowhere near enough! What about a drink? Did you drink anything??" Martin burst into a wave of worry.
"Uh- I don't think so. Maybe some water?" Jon often forgot to hydrate, even eat at times. Martin worried even more at this.
"Goodness, Jon!! I'll be right back, you need a drink." Before Jon could say Anything, Martin was gone getting him a drink. Jon sighed. He loved the way Martin cared for him.
He wouldn't let himself think that, although he did tell himself he appreciated it. He had to keep Martin away though. He had to.
Martin came back not too long after with some tea, very freshly brewed and steaming. Earl Grey. Jon's favorite.
"Thank you Martin. I appreciate it." Jon feigned a weak smile, Martin taking it for now.
"Of course, Jon. I'll leave you to work now, and update you if I get anything." Jon nodded as he left, trying to sip the tea but it was far too hot. He got on with work.
Once Tim came to work not too long after Jon got started, he visited Jon. He wanted to see if he had improved any with the extra sleep promised by their deal yesterday.
"Good morning Jon! How are you? Sleep well?" Tim put on an extremely happy tone and very cheerful smile towards Jon. He looked over, looking less dead than usual but no less annoyed.
"Yes, I slept fine. I'm doing okay." He thought about sharing more, but decided against it. Tim seemed pleased enough with this answer.
"Good! Good. Talk to you later, buddy!" Tim shot a single finger gun and left. Jon rolled his eyes and continued work. Time to record another statement.
Lunchtime came around, but Jon didn't know it. He kept working on through it, not even noticing the time passing. It was around 3 that Martin realized he didn't see Jon leave his office for lunch, or anything really for that matter. He watches Jon through the office window, and notices that Jon is sweating a slight bit. Not the normal heat sweat, but the fear type of sweat.
He's recording a statement as it looks, rustling through papers of his own handwritten notes. Martin decides now or never, and walks into Jon's office.
"Hey Jon, what are you-"
Jon jumped at the sight of Martin, bringing the papers closer to him. "AH! M-MARTIN! god! You startled me. What do you want?"
Martin noticed Jon hiding the papers. "What is that you've got there? Doesn't look like a statement."
"It's- it's nothing to worry about, just personal things. Why did you come in here?"
"No, it's not personal things. You're recording something and looking at those rather intensely while doing so. You're sweating." As Martin points this out, Jon clears his throat and wipes the sweat off of his forehead.
"It's really nothing you should worry about, alright? It's none of your concern." The fear is starting to melt away from Jon as now he takes on a more stern tone. He seems definite in Martin not knowing anything about these papers.
"Well I'm going to worry about it anyways. Why are you hiding it from me?" Martin seemed much more insistent than before.
"You don't need to know. Just get out of here and leave me alone, alright? It's nothing of importance to you." Jon couldn't let them find out. They can't know about his tunnel exploring, they can't know about his investigation on Gertrude. If they knew, who knows who they'll tell or how badly they'd lecture him?
"Why is it such a crime to tell me? Why are you keeping secrets, Jon? Even if I don't 'need' to know, I'd still LIKE to. So why aren't you telling me??? What are you hiding, Jon?!" Martin let his anger spill. He had wanted to know for so long what Jon had been up to, he was so mad that here and now catching him doing something like this wouldn't make Jon tell him.
Jon is standing now, facing Martin, his papers and tape recorder on the desk. He holds onto the edge of the desk, as rising so fast put a strain on his legs.
"I'M NOT HIDING ANYTHING, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T WANT YOU HERE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW! YOU CAN'T- YOU CAN'T KNOW!" Jon's words came out so fast, he didn't even think about what he was saying. He just knew that Martin couldn't find out. He can't let Martin find out.
Martin takes a step back, scared at the sudden yelling. I don't want you here, is what he said. There was Martin's confirmation. Jon didn't want him here anymore. As if Jon could tell by the look on his face, he started talking again.
"Wait- no- Martin, that's not what I meant- I- what I mean to say was-" But it was too late. Martin already left and shut the door. Jon could've swore he saw a tear fall as Martin left the room. He cursed himself under his breath for being so dumb, but he couldn't help it now. He already let too much emotion spill for the day, so he was going to let work take him over. Jon sighed as he sat back down, holding onto the desk for support. He looked at the tape recorder, which hadn't stopped yet, and stopped recording.