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The phone broke when she threw it on the floor. It still lay next to him, just a tiny bit more than an arms-length away so that he couldn’t reach it. Not that it mattered anymore, the harm was done anyway. It had been visible on her face all the time. Even after all the talking they had done in the aftermath. After the insults thrown at each other, after the bargaining, the desperate trying to find a middle-ground. One last time. Just one more time. Every single one of her words filled to the brim with love while his drowned in desperation. But the floor had opened up beneath him, the moment she spoke it into existence.
„You’re not going to change, are you?“ send him falling.
There was no accusation in her tone. No blaming. No anger. Just a dry, fear-filled realization. And maybe that was the worst of it all. No, scratch that, scratch maybe. It was the worst of it all. He still sat on the floor just the way he had ever since they started this. Legs crossed, arms open, the inner sides of it presented to her, the veins popping up from under his skin. Although it was a real miracle that his heart still managed to pump blood through them, given the state it was in. Shattered. In pieces. The next thing that was. The next thing he was responsible of breaking. And there was no denying it. None whatsoever.
„Answer me!“
How was he supposed to when even lifting his head seemed like too much. He didn’t look her in the eye ever since he said his piece, desperately trying to explain the inexplicable, knowing that every single word in his vocabulary wasn’t enough to illustrate the feelings that sat in the corners of his heart. How should they have been anyway?
„Please answer me…“
He saw her drop to her knees before him but he didn’t even realize it. It was like watching a movie, maybe one final attempt of his mind to save him from having to accept that this was real. This was it. She repeated her plea while she took his hands in hers and lifted them up from the floor, eyes fixed on him, he was sure of that without actually being able to see it. The warmth of her touch send shivers through his body, and reminded him again how unworthy he was of it all. Of her affection when she was supposed to hate him for what she just found out he did. Of her still fighting for what they both knew was a lost cause. Of her even still being willing to talk to him instead of just throwing him out of here once and for all. The moment the thought sank in he pulled his hands away, as if her touch could burn him, undeserving of it as he was. Her saying his name was so weak as if she lacked the energy to do it.
„No…“, he said finally, so softly that he could hope it would just vanish in thin air between them, stay unsaid forever, „… no I won’t.“
The words sent daggers to what still remained of his heart and for one moment he was absolutely convinced that this would be it. That it would stop beating, that he just might drop dead on the floor. He might as well have, he thought. What was the use of keep on living if it wasn’t with her? The question why he didn’t think about that sooner popped up in his mind. He was too exhausted to wipe it away.
In the end it was a strange sound that make him look up. Finally. Something between a wincing, a moan, a sigh and a sob. Her face was distorted in pain and he wanted to take it all away from her and make it his own in an instant, because she didn’t deserve any of this. She didn’t deserve him. Their eyes met in an instant and he watched how she buried a hand in her hair, visibly tugging at the roots. He wanted to tell her to stop, wanted to lift his hand to make her stop inflicting pain on herself, but that he couldn’t was unsurprising.
After what seemed like an eternity, she finally said: „I see“, letting go of her hair to wipe her face with her hands. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, that none of this had ever been his intention, that hurting her was the last thing he wanted. But she would have called him a liar for that and she would have been absolutely right. So, he didn’t.
„Then I can’t do it like this anymore. I’m sorry, Matty. I am so sorry. But I can’t. I can’t just sit here, taking one blow after the other, waiting for you to finally figure out if it’s me you want. I can’t…I can’t let the fact that I love you ruin my life.“
And he was so close to say it. That not wanting her was not the question, it never had been. He would always want her. It was the keeping her that was an issue, obviously. But he kept his mouth shut, biting his lip so hard until he felt a sharp sting, tasted blood on his tongue. The pain he deserved. The next wave of it.
He saw the tears stream down her face, again and finally managed to lift his hand and move it to her face slowly, carefully, barely touching her skin, giving her all the space and time to pull away. But she didn’t. She let him break the lines of liquid salt with his thumb and, when he got more confident, didn’t stop him when he carefully kissed them away. It was good being close to her again, for the first time since they started fighting. So good and so painful at once. He let go of her when all the tears were gone, one hand still resting on her cheek, searching for her gaze.
„I love you.“
He believed her. She had never given him a reason not to, although she had never said it out loud until now.
„I wish that was the point“, he replied in a raspy voice, „I wish this was the point, Tay. But it’s the issue.“
The saddest, most heartbreaking smile he had ever seen formed around her lips. „I know this. Trust me, I know.“
And for a moment he got lost in the sight of her face like it was a movie screen. So sad yet so beautiful. Still. Tried to burn it to the back of his own eyes so that he could see it over and over and over again if his stupid stupid stupid heart wouldn’t have it, that was.
The moment broke when she cleared her throat, pulling them both back into reality, obviously.
„Could you…could I ask you a favor?“
„Anything, love. Literally anything.“
She swallowed visibly and it was not until now that he realized that despite it all she had her voice so much better under control than he did. That was unsurprising as well. She had always been the stronger one of the two of them. He had never argued about that. He never would. Still she seemed to fight with something now, he could see it in her eyes. Arguing whether or not to say it.
„I can leave now, if you want. I’ll…I’ll pack my things and I’ll…I’ll be gone. It will be like I never was here in the first place, I promise. Give me an hour and-“
„No!“, she said, grabbing for his hand instinctively.
He wasn’t quite sure what it was he saw in her wide eyes now. Fear? Shame? Insecurity? A mix of all of this, most possibly.
„I don’t want you to leave. Please. Not yet. Can we…can we have one last moment? You know, one of those you made legendary? So often?“
Their eyes met again and he knew that it was the absolute same things he thought about that were running through her mind now. All those moments of perfection. All the things they had.
„Tell me what to do.“
She got up from the floor and he watched it happening as if in slow-motion. The grace in which she behaved, although she must be at least as tired as he was, given that it was the middle of the night. The naturalness in which she moved like it was nothing, while all of his body felt heavy and tired and as if he would never be able to move again was stunning to him. Another unsurprising thing though, given how stunning she was to him. He watched her walk over to the record-player on the other side of the room, taking one of the vinyls from the shelf and putting it on. He couldn’t help the sob that left his lips when „Young and Beautiful“ started playing.
„Oh fuck me, darling, you really mean business now, don’t-“
She had closed in the space in between them with fast, big steps and kissed him before he could finish the sentence. Long, passionate and he reciprocated it in just the same fashion. When you knew every of this gestures of affection could be the last, you wanted to make them last.
„Grant me one last dance“, she asked, once they had let go of each other.
And he couldn’t say no to her. The fact that it was like that was part of the problem and both knew about it now. They knew, because they had believed it to be the solution. Oh so bad. So so so bad.
„Of course, love“, he said and got up from the floor finally. He smoothed out his clothes and had just lifted a hand to redo his curls once, when she grabbed his wrist.
„Let me..?“, she asked softly and he enjoyed her touch way too much not to. So he let her caress the strands of hair out of his forehead, tucking some behind his ear, while he already put a hand on her lower shoulder. Every act of touching her was holy from now on. Something he’d worship forever.
„So beautiful…“, she murmured finally, sounding completely absentminded, before she slightly moved away and mimicked the placing of his hands.
„Go on then“, she said softly, „Make it magical, Matty.“
And so they slowly started moving. He didn’t take his eyes off her even for so much more than a blink, held her gaze with as much dedication as he did her body, getting lost in her eyes one more time. Loosing himself in her one more time, in the woman that meant the world to him. A shared life, a shared future, a shared artistry. Children, marriage, another dog. He could see it all in her eyes, when he looked at them like he did now. Still. Because nobody had ever made him feel like she did. Save. Accepted. Respected. Held. Their childrens’ names would be Olivia and Ben and Luca and Josephine and they had talked about that as honestly as about the music that would come out of them starting a family. They had planned out a wedding on a sunlit early summer’s day with her in a white and red dress, his tie just as red, with all of their family and friends and everybody else of importance in attendance. They talked about where in London they could move to and what place in the US could become their second base. How they’d wake up next to each other for most of the days and fall asleep the same way most of the evenings. The prospect of her face being the first thing for him to see in the morning had been the most beautiful thought once and it hurt so bad knowing that it wouldn’t be anymore now. All of that had felt so right for him. Save and right and just like things were falling into place, finally. Too good to be true, so much so that he had to do something about it. Because that much good didn’t happen to someone like him. It couldn’t be real. And if it was he had to make sure that it didn’t stay this way. So now they were falling apart. Once again. It was an old story. Way too old. And he never managed to change the ending. With a sigh he leaned in so that his forehead was touching hers, a reminiscence to all this intimate moments they had shared in the past when this gesture of affection somehow had become their vow. „I’m here, with you, right now, my thoughts are, my heart is.“ A gesture replacing the words he never said.
„You’re the love of my life.“
She looked up to him, tears dwelling in her eyes once more, pain blankly written on her face. It was not what he had hoped for.
„Is that another lie, Matthew? Like the one when you said you’d ‚never leave‘ because you wouldn’t survive this not working out? When you said ‚nevermind‘ when I asked who you were texting and why?“
They kept moving, not stopping for so much as a second. Because they had to. Because he knew they had to. He tightened his grip around her hand. Reassuringly, he hoped.
„No. No it isn’t. You’re the love of my life, Taylor Alison.“
She sobbed before letting out a long sigh.
„And still, it wasn’t enough“, she stated. And the fact that there was nothing left for him to do but nod shattered the remaining pieces of his heart once more.
Slowly, he began to feel dizzy, sick, slightly from moving in circles for too long. But that was not a bad thing, necessarily. On the contrary. It was a reason to hold on to her. One more reason. Pulling her closer by the hand that rested and her shoulder, holding on even tighter to the one that lay in hers. Holding on to her. Not letting go of her. And it was necessary he did that, he knew all too well. Because if he did let go of her, he’d loose her. For now and forever. For real. So they kept dancing once the song was long finished, kept moving, unwilling to let go until his knees gave in. Literally. The two of them sank down on the floor and he put his head in her lap. One more time. One last time. Felt her fingers racking through his hair and soaked her affectionate gaze in.
„I don’t know if I can let you go.“
The insecurity in her voice was new and he knew she hated everything about it. And for a moment he was this close to ask her not to.
„It’s alright…“, he managed to say after some time, before slowly sitting up again, „You don’t have to. I’ll do it.“
„It’s not alright.“
Since he had his back turned on her, he couldn’t see her face. But he didn’t have to to know that she was crying again. And that was why he had to leave. After getting up, he turned around again.
„I love you, Tay. Please believe me that. I love you.“
She sat there, legs crossed and just nodded, whispering: „I believe you“ in response, „and the fact that it’s not enough will haunt me forever.“. And when he finally turned around and left, he could hear her sob violently. He didn’t look back though. He couldn’t. For her sake - and for his. Still, that didn’t change anything about the fact that he heard it. Silent, whispered, thin. But there, nonetheless. „You’re the loss of my life, Matty. The goddamn loss of my life.“