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As her feet dragged under her, she felt death’s icy grip form around her. The weight of it became unbearable and it threatened to pull her down into the snow. It was frighteningly strong, but what scared her more was how familiar it was becoming.
And then death coaxed her. Her muscles froze under her skin and her blood seemed to crystalize within her. How easy it would be to give up and let the cold and silence take her.
She was finally unable to fight nature any longer, and collapsed to the ground in a motionless pile in the snow.
It was time to give in. The constant movement and the hike had kept her warm, but now that she was lying still in the snow, she would have only a short time left. But even if she were warm enough, she certainly didn’t have the energy left to make it to shelter, or even build a fire and attempt to survive out here.
The snow was coming down hard now. Happy surprised herself by taking a breath. Surely she should not be able to do that. She remembered reading something, in a book she had randomly pulled from Toby’s bookcase one slow afternoon, about how when you are in the last stages of hypothermia, the stages closest to death, the body actually tricks itself into thinking that it’s overheating. She wasn’t feeling warm exactly, but in truth she wasn’t feeling any pain. The bone-chilling cold was somehow gone now, as if the world wanted to give her peace in her final moments. Every inch of her was numb, and the last part of her to be ravaged was her mind and her will to live.
Happy let her eyes open enough to see thousands of stars above her, and she could not help but marvel at their beauty. Maybe this was not so terrible after all. This was as good a place to die as any. And now, it didn’t really feel like dying, but rather just drifting away.
Perhaps she had cheated death too many times. And each time she had come to discover that only in death do you realize the true value of life. If only she had been more able to act upon her discovery. How appropriate it seemed that she should die this way. Cruel fate would have it that she left the world just as she came in— alone. In the end, it wouldn’t be burning or drowning or even freezing that would kill her. It would be loneliness.
After such pain and struggle, it wasn’t so hard to accept death. It was actually the most simple thing she’d ever had to do. She felt almost tranquil as she laid waiting for her final breath. Her life hadn’t been such a waste, as she at one time worried it would be. The last years of her life had in fact been more fulfilling than she could have ever dreamed. And yet…she had so much life left in her. There were so many more things she wanted to do, but everything paled in comparison to what she had left to say.
If she was going to die right here, that was fine. Lives are only temporary after all. She knew that she had people who loved her and cared about her. She wouldn’t waste her last minutes thinking about what would happen to those she left behind. She didn’t care to think about who would come to her funeral. Funerals were for the living, not for the dead. Instead she wanted to remember the good things that had come to her in her extraordinary life.
She had reconnected with her father. She had even discovered a kind of love she didn’t know she possessed; Her love for Toby was what kept her alive, whether she realized it or not. But she realized it now. And as the realization came to her, the only pain she felt was the regret and guilt in knowing that she would never be able to tell him. If there was anybody on the planet who deserved to know that they were loved, it was him. And her own cowardliness kept him from that knowledge.
Happy wanted to scream, but her lungs wouldn’t let her. I am brave enough now! She wanted to shout to the heavens. I was scared before, but I’m not now! Please, let me get out of this and I will be braver.
She couldn’t feel them, but she knew there were tears streaming down her face. I wasn’t ready before, but I am now. I’m ready now. I’m ready now.
Her eyelids became heavy and she didn’t have the strength to keep them open. Even her mind was quieting now. There was no more will left in her. It had all been exhausted in her final pleas. All there was left to do was let sleep consume her, and she would welcome it with the thought of Toby wrapping his arms around her lingering in her head.
“Happy!” She heard it. Through the silence and her serenity she heard it. A voice. Was she dead? Was there an afterlife after all?
“Happy!” It called again. It seemed stronger this time, closer. She had no control over her body, she could not reach out to it.
“Happy, where are you?” The voice called into the void. Suddenly, the blackness turned to an electrifying white light. Light? This was certainly heaven. She cursed herself for not believing in it before. She didn’t remember opening her eyes, but through the light she saw a figure.
“Happy!” The figure appeared over her and lifted her from the ground. “Oh my god, Happy, we found you.” He whispered to her. He turned away to call into the distance.
“We’ve got her! We’ve got her, let’s go!” He pulled her close to his chest. Happy willed herself to regain consciousness.
“I’m here, I’m here Happy. I’ve got you.” It was Toby. Happy couldn’t believe it, but it was unmistakably him. She wanted to cry with joy, to tell him everything she promised she would tell him if she made it out of this alive. She wanted to hug him and kiss him and thank him, but still her body wouldn’t move. And again her head felt heavy and her brain began to go blank. She saw his face blur with the light and though she wanted to stay awake she could feel consciousness slipping from her. But she felt his arms around her and in a rush of relief she fell against him. Just as she was about pass out completely, she heard him whisper.
“It’s ok, Happy. We’re going home.”