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“It was supposed to be one last jump.”
“It wasn't supposed to end with you laying in my arms, oblivious to the world around you.”
“I should have stopped you, but instead I just watched as you fell apart.”
++++++++++
It had been days since Paul made that last jump on the spore drive.
Hugh Culber stayed up all night in med bay, trying to figure out some way to help wake Paul.
He had tried everything. Neuroimaging, research, and even digging into his husband's files on the effects of spores. Nothing worked. Nevertheless, he kept trying.
Although he knew it was unhealthy, Hugh worked himself to the bone. His main purpose was to help his husband, but he also wanted to forget about how his mushroom-loving engineer might never be the same again. It just hurt too much.
So Hugh drowned himself in his work, researching anything, trying to do something other than think about him.
Hugh just couldn't take seeing him like that.
About three days passed of this, until one night, Cadet Tilly had walked in and suggested a rest. She knew how much Hugh loved Paul, and how hard it was for him.
“You need rest, sir. You'll be better equipped to help him if you're all rested.”
She had reasoned to him.
Hugh was too tired to object, so with exhaustion weighing him down, he dragged himself to his quarters.
Hugh felt himself thinking about Paul. He tried to shut it out, but the harrowing thoughts kept pounding in his skull.
He reached his room and walked in. After the doors shut, he sighed and tears started to prick his eyes.
The mental exhaustion was starting to get to him. He felt guilt, pain, and loneliness set in.
He stood still for a moment, staring at the messy room. Paul's things were strewn on the floor and bed. Hugh inhaled sharply, reminded of him.
Dr. Culber put his hands on his head and looked up, suppressing the emotions.
He choked down a sob.
“I'm so sorry, Paul,”
He spoke to himself.
“I should have stopped you…”
A few moments of stillness drift by.
With a start, he remembered why he came to his quarters. He quickly crossed the room to his closet, avoiding looking at anything of Paul's.
He put on his pajamas, then walked to the bathroom.
He brushed his teeth alone, again.
Hugh was used to this absence of his love. Paul would throw himself into his work, sometimes not coming home until early morning.
Paul had worked a lot, and Hugh had wished that he could spend more time with him. Just not like this. Just not with Paul, laying unresponsive and Hugh, watching from above.
That thought almost made Hugh choke on the toothpaste. He spit it out, holding back more tears as another thought struck him.
“What if we’ll never be able to brush our teeth together again?”
He muttered under his breath.
He leaned against the counter, trying to keep it together.
“What if you stay like this forever? Please Paul, I can't…”
He trailed off.
Hugh looked at himself in the mirror. Tears slid down his face and splashed in the sink.
+++++++++
It was midnight when Hugh turned off the lights and collapsed on the bed.
He was exhausted but he knew sleeping was going to be difficult. He just couldn't stop thinking about Paul.
A million thoughts swirled in his head, but worries of if Paul never woke up kept resurfacing.
Hugh spoke to himself, as he often did when overwhelmed.
“Paul, I miss you. There has to be some way to wake you. I don't think I can do this without you. Please Paul. Please…”
In the darkness, Hugh was blanketed from the outside world. He was free to express all of the pent up emotions. No one could see him here.
He covered his mouth as he quietly sobbed. His tears stained the pillow.
Hugh Culber felt guilty. He wished that he had stopped Paul from making that last jump.
He felt hopeless. Like Paul was never going to wake up and come home. Like Paul might never brush his teeth with him again. Like Hugh will never be able to lay in his arms.
“God, please…”
He sobbed again, curling up onto his side.
In the dim light, his eyes wandered the room. He noticed one of Paul's favorite sweaters laying on the nightstand, and he reached out to grasp it.
Hugh held it tightly and brought it up to his face, breathing deeply. It smelled like Paul. Coffee and the lavender body wash he used brought a familiar feeling to Hugh.
He sighed and started to calm. His thoughts cleared, and although he still felt the pain, it somehow was numbed by the reassuring smell of Paul.
Hugh knew he couldn't be alone tonight. He had to find Paul…
+++++++++
Dr. Culber walked briskly down the halls, set on getting to Med Bay.
He knew it was late, but he didn't care. The only thing Hugh wanted was the man he loved.
As the doors swished open, he looked around, observing the empty room. Then, his eyes locked on Paul's face. The doctor walked over.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
Hugh leaned down and gave the unresponsive Paul a kiss on the forehead.
“I guess I couldn't stay away.”
He chuckled.
“I know you probably can't hear me, love. But, I'm sorry. I should’ve stopped you from jumping.”
Hugh sighed, and dragged over a chair.
He sat next to Paul and ran his fingers through his strawberry-blond hair.
“I love you, Paul.”
Hugh leaned down once again, lips touching Paul's. He quickly pulled away, caressing the engineer’s face.
The once unresponsive Paul moved quickly. He grabbed Hugh’s hand, holding it tightly.
Hugh startled and glanced up at the bio readings above the bed.
No Change.
He sighed, disappointed, but moved his other hand over their touching ones.
Dr. Culber felt a little more relaxed. He leaned back, still holding on to Paul.
He gazed into Paul's milky-white eyes and he felt his own begin to flutter shut.
Hugh worried that Paul would never be the same. He worried that Paul wouldn't wake up. But at least here in the cocoon of Med Bay, they
were shielded from the outside world. It was just Hugh and Paul, holding on to each other in the darkness.
Nothing else mattered.