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Paulo sighed when he walked inside the studio their band rented for a whole month. Wala pa kasi silang sariling studio kaya’t umuupa muna sila para makapag-practice.
He smiled to himself when he sat down on the old sofa. Nag-aalalang nakatingin lang sa kanila si Justin, ang kanilang manager.
He closed his eyes and couldn’t help but reminisce about the times when they were just starting their band. They started when they were in high school, para sa school concert, at magtanong ang guro nila sa MAPEH kung sinong marurunong tumugtog sa kanila.
Pablo, Ken, Stell, and Josh raised their hands. Sakto ring magkakaiba naman ang tinutugtog nila. Justin was a junior back then na in-assign sa kanila ng kanilang guro para i-manage sila. From there, a nameless band was born.
Unang beses pa lamang na tumugtog silang magkakasama ay nagustuhan na rin sila ng kanilang schoolmates. They also jelled so well, even Justin was so happy for them. Ang biruan nilang seryosohin ang banda ay nagkatotoo nga.
They playfully named themselves “Bandage” dahil kaorasan na pagpapa-register sa unang battle of the bands na sinalihan nila ay wala silang maisip na pangalan. Stell reasoned na bagay lang raw dahil mukhang tatanda silang nagbabanda.
From a nameless high school band, they joined a lot of battle of the bands mula high school hanggang mag-college sila. Hindi lang sa kanilang bayan, nakaabot rin sila sa ilang karatig-lugar hanggang sa Maynila.
Of course they also tried making their own songs, Paulo and Ken were the ones who wrote a lot.
They also made their own YouTube channel na si Justin ang gumawa at nagma-manage. They performed in a lot of events until someone saw them and gave them a chance.
A chance that Paulo might let slip away.
Kaya intindi niya rin kung bakit aligaga ang mga kasama niya. Paulo and Ken were the ones who always wanted this, sila ang nagpupursigi sa banda nila noon pa. They’re the ones who lifted their spirits, ngunit sila naman ang bibitaw.
Bakit nga ba kasi biglang bibitaw?
“Kuya Pau, ano ba kasing problema?” malumanay na tanong ni Justin sa kaniya.
Paulo sighed. “We don’t want to ruin this pero parang sinisira pala namin,” he mumbled. “Ngayon lang sana ako hindi pupunta. Hindi naman ako aayaw. Ano bang sabi ni Ken sa’yo?”
“H-He wants to quit raw. Wala na raw siyang rason to continue…” Justin answered and bit his lower lip. Alanganin itong tumingin sa kaniya. “Naghiwalay ba kayo?”
Yes, they’re in a relationship.
They were. Until that morning.
Paulo smiled bitterly as he remembered how they confessed their love for each other…
Ken was looking at Paulo playfully while he’s randomly strumming his own guitar. Nasa studio silang dalawa at hinihintay ang tatlo pang kasama na lumabas saglit.
The four of them were in their third year of college, si Justin naman ay second year na. Kahit sobrang abala nila sa kaniya-kaniyang pag-aaral ay nagagawa pa rin nilang magbanda. Wala rin naman kasing tutol ang mga magulang nila dahil extra income na rin.
“Pau, tayo lang rito,” nakangising sabi ni Ken sa kaniya. “Baka sunggaban mo na naman ako,” dagdag na biro nito bago nagtaas-baba ng kilay.
Paulo’s forehead creased ngunit hindi niya maitago ang pamumula ng kaniyang pisngi. They recently won first place sa huling contest na sinalihan nila — mag-perform ba naman sila ng original song — and of course, they celebrated their win.
Sa condo ni Paulo sila nag-inom and he drank quite… a lot. Quite a lot to the point na nakahalimadmad siya kay Ken buong gabi at kinukulit ito. Of course, their lead guitarist could remember everything dahil hindi naman ito umiinom.
A lot had happened the other night na gusto niyang kalimutan dahil sa hiya.
Kaso malamang, hindi siya tatantanan ni Ken. “Bakit ang layo mo? Dito ka nga,” turan nito dahil nasa sulok siya ng studio habang nasa gitna ito.
Paulo sighed and placed his guitar on the floor. “Ang kulit mo talaga, ano? Hindi ka tatahan? Kanina ka pang umaga eh,” inis nang turan niya. “Ano bang gusto mong mangyari, ha?”
Ken’s smile softened. Inikot nito papunta sa likod nito ang gitarang nakasukbit sa balikat bago lumapit sa kaniya. “Tell me, do you remember what you told me last night? Noong pinapatulog na kita?”
Paulo shook his head but he remembered. Paano niyang makakalimutan kung ang sinabi niya sa binata nitong nakaraang gabi ay ang naipon niyang nararamdaman mula high school sila?
Diskumpyadong tumingin sa kaniya si Ken. “Weh? I doubt it. Halata sa mukha mong tanda mo eh.”
“Tinanong mo pa ‘ko, ikaw rin naman pala may alam,” pagtataray kuno niya. Paulo nervously pushed his shoulder-length hair away from his face.
Kaya’t napatingin si Ken sa buhok niya. “I love your hair… wala kang balak magpagupit?” tanong nito.
Paulo swallowed hard when Ken moved even closer to him and played with his hair while staring at it. “Ayokong magpagupit.”
“Mhm. It suits you. I always admire you for growing your hair long nitong mag-college tayo. Hirap i-maintain niyan eh,” komento nito bago siya tingnan at nginitian.
“Yeah…”
“May… ibang bagay ka pa bang kayang i-maintain?”
“Like what?”
Ken shrugged. “The band. Studies. And… us. Kaya mo pa kaya?” mahinang tanong nito sa kaniya.
Paulo closed his eyes and breathed harshly. “The fuck are you saying, Ken?”
“Sorry if ngayon lang ako nagkalakas ng loob. I… when you told me you like me last night, kahit lasing ka, nagkalakas ng loob akong umamin rin eh,” Ken whispered. Paulo was startled when Ken held his hand. “Takot akong… maapektuhan lang banda natin. Or hindi natin mapanindigan kasi we have a lot of things in our plate. But I still want to risk it. I know I’ll make this work so iyan rin tanong ko. Will you make us work too?”
Paulo opened his eyes and looked straight at Ken’s orbs. Paulo’s heart skipped a beat when he saw nothing but honesty and adoration from those lovely eyes.
“Do you like me?” Paulo asked under his breath.
Ken gave him the sweetest smile he had ever seen. “I do. Noon pa.”
“What if hindi mag-work?”
“Kaya nga tinatanong kita. Are you willing to make this work?”
Paulo nodded. “Oo. Pero—”
“That’s it,” Ken cut off his words and pulled him for a hug. Paulo sighed as he felt the warmth of Ken’s arms around him. “That’s all I need to hear. I like you. We’ll make this work.”
Paulo smiled and hugged Ken as tightly as he could. “I like you, too. We’ll make this work.”
But they couldn’t make it work for a long time. They had their arguments, their fights, but they were nothing big that could potentially ruin them.
Pero ngayon, iba na rin kasi ang isinasaalang-alang nila.
“We…” Paulo trailed off, hindi niya kayang ituloy ang sasabihin niya. “We broke—”
Natigilan siya sa pagsasalita nang bumukas ang pinto ng studio at pumasok doon ang tatlo pa nilang kabanda. Ken was behind Josh and Stell, nakayuko lamang ito.
Paulo took a deep breath and had to physically stop himself from running and hugging Ken. Naupo sa kabilang tabi ni Justin si Stell, si Josh sa armrest sa tabi ng drummer nila, habang si Ken ay naupo lamang sa carpeted na sahig at sumandal sa pader.
“Please, ituloy natin ‘to,” panimula ni Justin bago naihilamos ang mga palad sa mukha. “Ngayon pa ba tayo titigil?”
“Puwede naman kayong maghanap ng ibang lidista ah? Ako lang naman yata aalis,” walang emosyong turan ni Ken at hindi pa rin nakatingin sa kanila.
“No way. Binuo natin ‘to high school pa lang. Tayo magkakasama. If hindi tayong lima, walang tutuloy,” desididong sabi ni Stell. “Ayusin natin ‘to.”
“Wala naman kasi sa inyo ang problema,” Ken exasperatedly said.
“Eh ano ba kasing problema?” tila naguguluhang tanong ni Josh.
Ken didn’t say anything and just looked at the carpeted floor.
Justin sighed. “Please, sabihin na lang—”
“Ako. Ako ang may problema,” Paulo said. “Don’t ask Ken. Ako ang problema.”
Gulat na napatingin sa kaniya ang tatlong kasama and Paulo’s heart felt like it was crippled when Ken refused to look at him. “Puwedeng kami lang muna ni Ken mag-usap?” turan niya, halos nakikiusap ang tono at tiningnan ang mga kaibigan.
The three nodded and stood up to exit the studio. Ganoon na lamang ang taranta niya nang tumayo rin si Ken at akmang lalabas. “Wait. Ken, please.”
“Ayokong mag-usap, Pau,” Ken monotonously said, still not looking at Paulo. But he could see in his eyes how much he’s aching.
And it was hurting him too.
“No, let’s talk. I’m sorry if I made such rash decisions about us. Please,” pakiusap niya bago hawakan ang magkabilang kamay nito. “Baby, let’s talk, please. I’ll explain.”
“Nakipaghiwalay ka na kaninang umaga ah? Why call me baby?” Ken asked before he snickered. “Ano ba talaga?”
Marahan niyang hinila si Ken paupo sa sofa dahil ramdam niyang bibigay ang mga tuhod niya sa kaba. He regretted his decision that morning. He regretted it the moment he told Ken that they should break up.
“Listen to me first, Ken.”
“I always listen to you. Pati nga pakikipaghiwalay mong walang rason pinakinggan ko ah.”
Paulo shut his eyes tightly and squeezed Ken’s hand. Nanghihinang napayuko siya’t tinuon ang kaniyang noo sa magkahugpong nilang kamay. “I’m… I’m just scared. Takot ako. Takot lang ako na b-baka maapektuhan ang banda natin kapag nalaman ng marami na tayo.”
Hindi nagsalita si Ken kaya’t nagpatuloy lang siya. “Ilang araw ko nang iniisip ‘to, Ken. We built this band for years… ayokong tayo ang sisira nito.”
“Bakit ‘yan agad naisip mo?” tanong ni Ken na nakapagpatuwid ng upo niya. “Sisira? Tayo? Why do you have to think that way?”
“I’m sorry, sobrang consumed ako ng negative thoughts and overthinking…”
Ken sighed and placed his head on top of the backrest of the sofa. “I get it. Intindi ko worry mo. I don’t want to invalidate what you’re feeling right now. Pero sana sinabi mo para napag-usapan natin,” Ken said, still avoiding looking at Paulo. “Kung ako lang I want to be honest to everyone umpisa pa lang. We’ve been honest naman about us ah. Kita naman on stage or sa videos natin.”
“I know… natakot lang talaga ako kasi mas malaking exposure na ‘to, Ken. Mas maraming mata sa’tin. A lot of people will judge what we have. Kakayanin ba natin?”
“Paulo.”
Napatingin siya sa mukha ni Ken nang tawagin siya nito. And Paulo almost broke down there and then when Ken finally looked at him.
“Wala akong ibang gusto kung ‘di ikaw. Alam mo ‘yan. We’ve been friends for years, together for years, I never wanted anyone in my life but you. I can assure you that,” Ken said in a softer tone. “You already told me your reason. I promise not to quit the band kahit anong mangyari, nadala lang ako ng emosyon. I also told you na mas gusto kong maging honest tayo sa lahat tungkol sa relasyon natin una pa lang. So anong desisyon mo? Why are we talking?”
Paulo completely knew what Ken was asking, he knew what he wanted to say. Pero nakabikig sa lalamunan niya ang mga gusto niyang sabihin.
He looked at Ken’s eyes. Tama naman ito. Umpisa pa lang ay alam na ng mga nakakakilala sa kanila na sila naman talaga. Hell, the people around them knew they had feelings for each other even before they confessed. Alam naman ng lahat kaya ano nga bang kinakatakot niya?
Was he scared of the scrutiny they might receive hindi lang sa kanila kung ‘di sa buong banda nila? Probably. Was he scared of the awful words he might hear from other people who knew nothing about them? Probably.
But were those fears weigh more than what they have?
No.
Paulo pulled Ken for a hug, his arms around Ken were so tight, afraid to let go.
“Let’s… let’s perform together. Let’s make this work,” Paulo whispered and he took a deep breath before he continued. “I’m sorry, nilamon ako ng overthinking pero binabawi ko na, una pa lang gusto ko nang bawiin kasi alam kong hindi ko rin kaya.”
Ken sighed and Paulo had to shut his eyes tightly when Ken hugged him back. “Are you sure? Ayokong napipilitan ka lang.”
“I’m so sure. Kaninang umaga gusto ko na talagang bawiin, promise.”
Ken pulled away that scared Paulo a little but the former cupped his cheeks that eased his nerves instantly. “Please, kapag may ganito, kausapin mo ako. Or kami. Anyone of us.”
Paulo just nodded. Ilang oras lang naman pero grabeng takot rin ang naramdaman niya isipin pa lang na tutugtog siyang hindi na kasama si Ken. Ilang oras lang nang makipaghiwalay siya sa binata ngunit hindi niya na agad alam kung anong gagawin nang wala ito.
Ken pecked his lips and that eased Paulo’s racing heart. Finally, he’s sure he’d wake up to those arms again, he’d be able to kiss those lips again.
“So ano na?! Tuloy tayo?!” Halos mapatalon sa kinauupuan nila sina Ken at Paulo nang bumukas ang pinto at sumungaw ang mga ulo nina Justin, Josh, at Stell.
Ken laughed and nodded. Paulo looked at the man beside him with a huge smile on his face.
“Tuloy. Sorry nagulo. Kung hindi ako pa rin lidista niyo eh ‘di mag-iyak ‘tong si Paulo pagkanta ng song nating sinulat ko for him,” nakangisi nang saad ni Ken bago mapanudyong tiningnan siya.
The other three went inside the studio. “Para kayong boang, pakaba,” Josh said, relief written all over his face.
Both Ken and Paulo laughed. “Pangit namang tugtugin natin kanta natin sa isa’t isa tapos wala ka. Hindi maganda ‘yon,” nakangiting sabi ni Paulo.
Ken raised a brow and rolled his eyes. “Buti alam mo.”