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December 03, 2007 << No Regrets >>
From a high end penthouse apartment in New York, to sharing a literal 175 square foot bedroom with Rory, to a whole 4000 square foot house all for himself in Crescent Park, Palo Alto.
All in the span of one lousy year.
Most days go about the same —black coffee, no sugar, no cream to start the day. An almost forty minute stop-and-go commute to the valley with NPR’s morning edition on every day.
And whereas a few short years ago he was the center of his social group; the heart and soul of the party, these days his life is all about morning meetings, corporate lunches, afternoon brainstorming sessions, legal and financial opinions day in and day out.
He’s adopted an almost sacred five pm single malt, before he spends the rest of his evenings revamping strategies and day-to-day planning.
If it weren’t for fundraisers and networking events, he’s sure he’ll be a shut in at this point.
The last few months have been as much hard, as they’ve been lonely. He’s going through the motions. He tells himself every day that he’s moving on. That he doesn’t care about her anymore. That she’s the one missing out. That—
The truth is that Logan misses her. He thinks about reaching out just about every day.
He’s pathetic.
It’s been six months; he’s making a life for himself, a name of his own outside of his father’s shadow, and yet here he is, still pining about her and yearning about the stupid way she demolishes food as though is an Olympic sport.
And yes, he knows by heart that Obama will be making stops in Des Moines, Grinnell, Iowa City, Mount Vernon, Cedar Falls, and Waverly on a 3-day trip throughout Iowa starting today. He may be still (very) angry at her, heartbroken at the rejection, pride wounded and ego bruised, but he'd be a damn fool if he denies how proud of her he is also.
He will not miss even one of her pieces these days if he wanted to.
January 04, 2008 << Obama Wins Iowa's Democratic Caucuses >>
It feels like before. Getting drunk and ringing the new year barely coherent of his surroundings.
He got the old gang together for old-time sakes. He thought it was exactly what he needed to get himself out of his foul mood. And it did help —for all of an evening.
All too soon he was back at work, his body screaming at him from the excesses, and the hole inside him as empty as ever.
Damn the day he met her.
January 09, 2008 << Stunner in NH: Clinton defeats Obama >>
Turns out he butt dialed her.
Or maybe he didn’t actually butt dial her, but he did call her, and apparently left a voicemail his drunken self thought would be a good idea.
Logan would have been none the wiser, if Rory didn’t so happen to return the call a whole week later. He is in a meeting when she calls, and it is more than a little surprising to find a voicemail of hers when he gets out.
She tries to be polite and proper.
It comes off forced and awkward.
She’s never been good about balancing that line between politeness and friendliness, and he’s kind of comforted that that hasn’t changed.
Logan did not expect to hear her voice like this though. out of the blue literal months since the last time they spoke.
She wished him a happy new year, and at the end even told him that she hopes he’s well.
He’s on edge the entire rest of the day. He feels like an absolute wreck after listening to her voice repeatedly on that forty second voice note.
He talks himself out of calling her back though. He can’t do it.
He can’t let himself be weak and vulnerable again.
Logan needs to move on and focus on his work right now. He needs to forget about her for once and for all.
He dares not delete the message though.
May 07, 2008 << Sen. Barack Obama won a decisive, double-digit victory in North Carolina’s Democratic primary >>
There’s a video embedded in her article today. It’s Senator Obama addressing his team and volunteers about the primaries. And while initially Logan’s only partially paying attention to the speech, it’s not long before he notices her right on the foreground of the video. She’s sitting among other reporters and media staffers, listening intently to the candidate’s every word.
Logan has to sit down and stare when the camera pans her way. It’s the first glimpse of Rory he’s gotten to see in a year. And it’s too fast, a little blurry even, but she’s truly every bit as stunning as his memory recalls.
Her hair is tied up; her face framed with loose locks that escaped the pony tail. She’s wearing a simple dress shirt and smart pants, and yet to him she’s the most beautiful she’s ever looked.
It’s over much too soon, and he’s left there with her recap on the victory, and her take on why getting comfortable against Hillary would be a mistake just yet.
Logan slumps against the couch; his heart still racing and pounding in his chest. His laptop completely forgotten next to him. It’s been one year. Over 365 days since she gave him back that ring, and yet he’s still as enamored with her as the very evening he proposed.
He is pathetic.
June 04, 2008 << Obama Clinches Nomination; First Black Candidate to Lead a Major Party Ticket >>
Her entry today is celebratory. It’s not surprising to him that he can hear her voice as he reads every sentence she still writes. Her tone is triumphant and happy, and he can almost picture her behind her computer furiously typing away, doing exactly what she’s dreamed of doing so long.
These days he’s been thinking so much about the proposal a year ago. It makes him feel incredibly selfish to think Rory would have been here in Palo Alto with him instead of chasing after every minute of Obama’s campaign.
But then again, it didn’t have to be all or nothing, did it?
She’s following her dreams, just as he is. She’s establishing her own name in the industry, and doing hell of a job at it too.
His heart was in the right place. Logan knows that much. He loved her more than anything, and couldn’t imagine a life without her beside him, and yet…
He still walked away. He still broke both their hearts, and for what?
He thinks it was fear that she didn’t love him nearly as much as he loved her.
As he still loves her.
He can admit that much these days, and yet it does absolutely nothing to change the reality of their lives. Quite very literally 2800 miles apart.
August 28, 2008 << Sen. Barack Obama accepted his historic Democratic nomination for president tonight >>
He’s home for a visit. And he knows that the chances of her also being home are slim to none, and yet it’s taking everything in him not to drive the thirty minutes to Stars Hollow right now to check.
It’s his sister's birthday party, and his parents are on their best behavior which is fine, but he still can’t wait to get out of here. He hates it that he’s still so hung up on her, that he can’t move on.
He briefly thinks about getting into a plane to DC. Politico recruited Rory within weeks of her joining the ranks, and he knows for a fact she’s been permanently living within the action for the last few months at least.
It’s an hour’s plane trip.
Five hours if he drives.
But then what?
Apologize?
Grovel?
Beg her to take him back?
As if she ever would.
Logan takes a long sip of his scotch and forces himself to return to the party.
His father is boasting to anyone who’ll listen about his company; about his decision to take it public in the next few weeks, and even name-dropping the key investors Logan has secured.
It’s nothing new to have Mitchum take credit; but Logan’s only here for the weekend —it is not going to kill him to listen through his father’s reimagining of the events.
Logan’s cordial and polite to everyone there. He’s learned his lesson, and if once a quarter forced family engagements is what it takes so that he’s not completely estranged from the only family he still has, then so be it.
He still wishes the whole time he’d gotten into his car to Stars Hollow, though.
September 12, 2008 << Obama’s Campaign Begins Counterattack >>
It’s one of his biggest wins this week. He’s secured a major influx of cash; a huge one. The kind that means real offices and interns, long overdue upgrades to their equipment, real benefits for their employees, hell, a real break room with more than stale coffee and cheap cookies.
These days he may even go a few days without checking up on Rory’s bylines specifically, but Logan would be a liar if he pretends she’s still not ever-present in his mind daily.
Big wins like today make him miss her more than is usual. Their problems and all, but Rory always believed in him, and it is an especial kind of torture to miss that one person that was genuinely always in your corner like she was.
It isn’t hard to imagine what she’d say; how she’d tease him or encourage him. How they’d be celebrating today; how she’d insist on arranging the evening and making sure the menu matched the occasion to a t.
A day like today probably would have called for ice cream —a whole pint each, and that would’ve been just the start of the celebration.
She made him feel loved, and as though he was larger than life; and he misses that the most. He misses having that one person always standing by him, rooting for him like she used to.
Not for the first time, Logan starts to wonder if he really misses her, or if it is just the idea of what he thought they’d be that wrecks him inside and out every day.
That night when Samantha from the paralegal team initiates meaningless chit chat and flirts with him, Logan doesn’t shut her down. Instead, he offers to refresh her drink and listens as she goes on about her latest visit to Ojai and how badly he needs to join her sometime.
Logan ends up going home alone that night anyway.
November 04, 2008 << In an extraordinary moment in America’s history, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has won the 2008 presidential election >>
And that’s that. He won. Logan’s in Palo Alto, meanwhile Rory is in DC in the middle of it all. Her candidate actually won.
Logan’s wide awake; his TV and laptop on, following both the victory and Rory’s almost real-time reactions. She posts several entries in the span of an hour following the victory —short blurbs that portray the historic moment; crowd reactions, jubilant celebrations, and the overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment permeating the air.
There’s even a crappy cell phone photo embedded into one of her blog posts, and though Logan can just barely tell it’s her under a huge woolly beanie, her smile is unmistakably hers; radiant and entrancing.
At about three in the morning her time comes the thought-out, properly crafted entry. She goes through the entire of the campaign; she describes the very first time he met the elected president at Yale. Her first bus ride on the trail. Getting hired by Politico, moving to DC. Hating it at first —loving it mostly now. She talks about the other reporters; about religiously following all of their postings, all of their articles. She talks about the competition, she talks about camaraderie.
She gives credit to every American that made tonight happen.
Logan thinks about texting her. He thinks about it over and over for almost an hour. It’s nearly one am pacific time, meaning nearly four in the morning in DC, and yet he’s certain Rory is still up.
He's not sure what possesses him, but he ends up calling her. At one am. Right on the button.
Logan’s more than entirely surprised when she picks up on the first ring.
“Logan, hi, hey.”
She sounds breathless; surprised, but in a good way he thinks.
(He hopes)
“Hi yourself.” He breathes out himself, and she laughs.
It’s been so long since he’s heard that sound, and it nearly makes his heart stop.
“We won.” She tells him, as if this isn’t the first time in almost a year and half that they’re speaking.
There’s a lot of noise coming from her side of the call, and before Logan can answer, he notes the background quieting as she moves elsewhere.
“Where did you go now?”
“Um, supply closet.” She replies, sheepishly, and Logan swears he can see the impish look on her face right now.
He laughs —for a moment forgetting all the time that’s passed, all their stupid baggage, all the heartbreak.
“Did you see? It’s incredibly wild out here still.” She says, almost with awe. “We were all there, you know? All 53 of us from HQ. I think my left earlobe is still frozen solid, but —what a rush, Logan. The whole thing, not just tonight. I wish —God…”
He tries to picture her; crouched down in the tiniest supply closet, her knees drawn up as she carefully cradles the phone to her ear.
He so wishes he were there, also.
“You did good, Ace.” He says, and he so completely means it. He’s so proud of her, his entire heart could burst right that moment.
“I think this is the first time this entire campaign that none of us is worried about who said what first, who posted faster, who’s potentially getting the most hits right now. We’re all so glad we made it to the finish line, and with a victory to boot…”
“Democracy, baby,”
She chuckles lowly; the sound coursing through his every vein almost excruciatingly.
He closes his eyes and lets himself pretend for a moment that all is well; that the last eighteen months weren’t spent miserable and alone away from her.
He’s picturing a life where she flies home to him after all this, and—
“Your company went public, too.”
Her quiet words break him from his fantasy.
He smiles to himself in any case. Logan’s admittedly a little surprised that she knows. “We did.” He’s honestly really glad that she does, though. That he’s not the only one that still cares. “Our very own little startup that could.”
“Congrats, Huntzberger. I wanted…well, you know what I wanted…”
“Yeah, I do.” The amount of times he’s wanted to reach out are on the billion mark now, he’s certain.
“Is your life good these days?”
“It is.” He tells her, his eyes darting to the darkened room about him. He breathes out shakily. “How about you just tell me what’s next for you now, huh Ace? Sleep? An entire pizza pie?”
She indulges him with a laugh, and he’s sure he will never tire of that sound.
“Actually, I’m flying home in three hours.” She tells him, but then makes a noise of frustration, and adds, “make that two and a half hours.”
His eyes widen with surprise. “You are going home?”
“Mom and Luke are getting married.”
And like it or not, it’s inexplicably bittersweet to hear that. One the one hand, he’s genuinely happy to hear those news about her mother, but—
It’s also impossible not to imagine that this could’ve been their wedding, if she’d said yes.
Alas, “tomorrow?”
“Today.” She corrects him. “November 5th —win or lose, the campaign was going to be over by tonight.”
Right. “Gotta give it to them, making sure you could make it no matter what.”
“Exactly,” she says. “Who even cares about the historical presidential win, as long as I can make it back home to stand by mom, am I right?”
Oh, he’s missed her.
Desperately. “Rory, I’m really glad.”
“Me too…” she says quietly, and Logan swears he’s not imagining the shake and vulnerability in her voice.
Before he can comment on it however, she adds, “she’s pregnant, too, you know?”
He is not expecting that one.
He clears his throat and asks, “are you serious? That’s wonderful news.”
“Mmhm.” She mumbles. “We literally just spoke.”
Okay, that explains her hesitation before. “You found out just now?”
“Yup.”
“Whoa,” he breathes out. “I don’t know you, but my money is on another little Gilmore Girl.”
This breaks the seeming tension, and she laughs. “They deserve this. All of it. The real wedding, a family together. Every bit of it. I am happy for them.”
“I know you are.” Logan promises, knowing the reassurance will not fall on deaf ears. “It’s still a shock to the system.”
“That it is, Huntzberger.”
Silence settles for a beat, everything unspoken between them hanging in the air heavily.
Logan takes a deep steadying breath before he says his next words carefully, “Rory…I owe you an apology…”
“Logan—”
She tries to stop him, but Logan really needs to get this out. “No, please, let me.” He insists. “I’m sorry about everything.”
She sighs. “Bygones, Logan.”
Oh, how he wishes it were that simple. “I don’t regret proposing.” And that’s the truth. “But, it was an ambush. I am sorry for that. It never should have been my way or the highway.”
Rory’s quiet at this; Logan hears her exhale, and it’s so easy to imagine her tugging at her sleeves as she gathers her thoughts.
“That’s my one do-over. I’d do things differently if I could…”
He wants so desperately to reach across the phone lines and be there with her right now. He doesn’t even care if she blows him off, rejects him once more, he wants to see her. He wants to hold her and never let go.
He wants to stop being stupid and miserable without her.
“Would you like to come to the wedding?” She asks, suddenly, so completely out of the blue he nearly chokes on his own breath. “With me, I mean?”
Logan’s stunned, but he still manages to get out, “now Ace, tell me really how much you’ve had to drink tonight?”
She chuckles genuinely at his words. “Just champagne,” she says, but then thinks better of it. “Actually, it was very cheap sparkling wine, but it hit the spot anyway. Also one shot of tequila.”
He makes a little noise of acknowledgment, before she adds, “two shots actually. The other one after mom told me her news.”
“Cheers to all, Gilmore.”
Rory’s quiet, and it’s actually more than a little uncomfortable, until she says, “but would you come then? I know it’s been a long time, but I just —I don’t like it how we left things off.”
“Me either.” He agrees, feeling contrite just thinking about the last time they saw each other. “I still can’t just crash your mother’s wedding.”
“Oh.” She lets out awkwardly, clearing her throat, and adding, “okay. Yeah, of course, I understand—”
“Ace?”
“Mmm?”
“Maybe I can see you after the reception?”
“What?”
He chuckles softly. “We can meet after the big hoopla has taken place.” He speaks slowly, but she’s quiet still. “Rory?”
“Yeah,” she says, obviously thrown. “Yeah? You sure?”
“I’d like to.” He says, his heart feeling like it’s going to explode.
It’s another few excruciating seconds until she laughs, and says, “it’s a date, then.”
He exhales a trembling laugh; feeling relieved, amused, and more than a little nervous too.
He shakes his head at himself, and agrees easily, “a date it is, Ace.”
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