Archive of Our Own ^beta

The party is going strong and Jisung is pleasantly buzzed. He doesn’t usually like parties but somehow this one is okay. Minho is somewhere in the living room with Hyunjin, dancing and singing along to the cheesy songs that are playing. Changbin was there, too, a few minutes ago. Jisung didn’t really get time to talk to him before a group of friends came to tag along. For once, Jisung didn’t feel like fleeing as soon as they came.

But then he feels bored of these guys he doesn’t know and wanders into the big house like he knows where he’s going – he doesn’t, because until recently Chan didn’t want to bring his little baby near the frat, or near alcohol. But Jisung is all grown up now, eighteen and allowed to get plastered, so Chan can’t say anything about it.

He lets himself be guided by Chan’s voice, resonating in his head. It feels close for the distance he’s crossing, with the loud music resonating in the house, but Jisung has always been attuned to Chan’s pitch. He is his favorite voice in the whole world, after all.

When he finds Chan, he’s on the balcony, fingers gently caressing his guitar,  blunt in his mouth and strangely alone. When Jisung was there before, there were many people, and Chan wasn’t. How long ago was it? Maybe hours. It doesn’t matter.

Chan puts the guitar aside as soon as he notices Jisung. He opens his arms and Jisung is quick to get comfortable on his hyung’s laps, straddling him. The night is chilly but Chan has always run hot, and today is not different. He laughs when Jisung engulfs him in a hug, the genuine adoration he always had for his junior clearly showing..

It’s not the first time they’re in this position, but today is different, and the buzz that had been clouding Jisung’s mind makes him hyper aware as soon as the tip of Chan’s fingers lays on his naked leg.

Jisung doesn’t dare to move at first. The heat of Chan’s hand is the only thing he can think about, the only thing he can concentrate on.

The night is chill but suddenly Jisung is on fire.

And Chan’s hand keeps on wandering on his thigh, higher and higher. It’s not even daring, the simplest of caress, but Chan has never touched Jisung like that.

Jisung has never been touched like that.

He doesn’t think as he straightens himself. He looks Chan right in the eyes. His beautiful Chan, eyes hooded by the weed, but his smile the same one that Jisung fell in love with, and the dimples he wish he could kiss every minute of his day.

He’s acting on the thought before he can even think about it, and somehow, Chan meets him halfway.

It’s chapped lips against his own, moving gently, possessive hands on his waist and fingers digging into his sides.

Jisung’s whole body comes awake. His mind shuts down.

Chan’s hair is soft, and his mouth tastes like weed. Jisung is addicted. He wants to touch Chan everywhere, kiss him everywhere. Being kissed is fine too, he thinks as Chan’s mouth is on his jaw, then his neck…

Jisung feels compelled to take off Chan's sweatshirt. His body acts before he can think twice about it, fumbling with the hem of Chan’s sweatshirt. He’s not, at any point, being stopped. 

That’s when Jisung sees them. The words. From the small “Hi” to the longer conversations, sometimes doodles – mostly smiley, like from someone who is used to using text – and Jisung stops.

Chan stops too, eyes wide and looking at Jisung like it’s the first time he sees him.

“Shit,” he says, “Jisung, I shouldn’t have – ”

He doesn’t finish his sentence, but Jisung doesn’t need him to, he knows exactly what Chan thinks about it.

It’s a mistake.

oOOo

At fourteen years old, Han Jisung doesn’t really care about soulmates. He’s aware they exist, that he has one out there, but only a few people in his school have already found them, so he has time.

Actually, if anyone was to ask him, he would proudly say – in the overconfident way teenagers do – that he already found his true love: music, and she is everything and perfect for him, thank you very much.

That’s what leads him to the old record  shop near the city center, in the opposite way of his home from school. He had “The long and winding road” in his head all day, not even sure where he heard it before.

He had an awful day at school but he forgets all about it as soon as he steps foot out of it. The only thing he has in mind are the obscure lyrics of the song that had impregnated his mind for the past hours.

The walk to the shop is short, but it feels too long already with the heavy bag on his shoulders and the heat of spring turning into summer making him sweat in his shirt.

He feels better as soon as he steps foot into the shop, the familiar ring of the doorbell behind him, and the smell of grease from the adjacent fast food. The voice of old manager Kim resonates in a welcome from somewhere  inside the shop, but Jisung is too surprised by the young, new voice of the dude at the checkout to pay it any mind.

He is older than Jisung, that’s for sure, but not by many years, from his appearance. Something between the end of high school and the start of university, wearing black from head to toe – with the exception of his hair, dyed blonde with the black roots still showing – and he looks so effortlessly cool.

Like, the natural kind of cool, you know? Like he’s not trying.

(Unlike Jisung, who puts his best effort to look like he’s cool, even though everyone can see through it).

Jisung wants to be this guy’s friend like he never wanted anything before. Except that he’s shy, and awkward, so he goes directly in his comfort rap aisle and tries to act intensely busy. He’s not. He doesn’t really see the albums in front of him – not that he wouldn’t be able to name every single one of them because he had to for his fake cool guy persona – trying hard not to look at the guy again.

And then, something peculiar happens.

The music that plays next is the one that had been stuck in Jisung’s head all day. The one he can’t figure out he knows from. And, from the way the dude at the check out is moving to the music and clearly enjoying it, it’s probably him who puts it on.

Jisung is moving before he can even think about it, shyness be damned. He’s connecting dots he shouldn’t, and he needs to have an answer before he chickens out.

“What’s this song?”, he asks, too quick and fumbling on his words.

The guy in front of him – Bang Chan, is written on his nametag – looks stunned, paralyzed for half a second before he comes back to his senses.

“Hm. Why? Is it too loud? I can bring it down a notch, no worries.”

It’s Jisung’s turn to be stunned because what the hell? How did this guy came to this conclusion?

“No, I’m – “ he takes a deep breath and feels his cheeks getting hot, “I’ve had this song in my head all day. Can’t remember where I heard it before.”

“Oh!” The guy smiles, and he has dimples - dimples! “It’s The long and winding road ! From the Beatles.”

Jisung lets out his best “Ah!” of interest, and hopes this guy will continue the conversation before Jisung has to.

“Funnily enough, I’ve had it in my head all day!”

Many things happen in Jisung’s body at the same time, then. He feels his heart start beating like crazy, and a chill runs across his body.

Is it true? Is that how it’s supposed to feel? Meeting your soulmate?

But it makes sense, right? In a world where your link with your soulmates is supposed to be the best way for the two of you to connect, it makes sense Jisung’s link to his own would be through music.

He can’t help it, he starts smiling like a fool.

And then he sees it, the words that appear on Chan’s arm.

It’s like a bucket of ice water thrown over him. He doesn’t read them, doesn’t need to. He knows what they mean.

Chan looks where Jisung’s eyes are fixed, and he too, sees the words.

“Ah, sorry, I should’ve worn long sleeves, that’s not very professional of me, isn’t it?”

He laughs then, happy, genuine, and Jisung can’t do anything but laugh with him.

That’s not Chan’s fault Jisung is an idiot.

ooOOoo

ooOOoo

Chan feels guilty. Of course he does.

Jisung doesn’t want to deal with it, he doesn’t think he can bear the rejection. But he wants Chan to consider him as an adult, and also, he knows that as long as Chan doesn’t say what he has to, things will stay the same.

Do it at once, like a band-aid. He doesn’t think the pain will go away if he ignores Chan, anyway.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m sorry Jisung, I’m so, so, sorry.”

Jisung can’t handle the misery in Chan’s eyes the same way he can’t handle the words all over Chan’s body.

“It’s okay,” he says, “I don’t mind that you kissed me.”

That’s not me you should apologize to, he thinks, bitter. Not that Jisung actually cares about that part, but it’s easier to fake empathy to someone that isn’t here than to face his own demons.

Jisung doesn’t know which one feels worse: the self-pity after the rejction, reducing his self-esteem to a great null when he had been doing so fine for the last few months, or the disappointment toward his hyung’s actions.

“You don’t mind that I – Are you kidding me?! Jisung! I took advantage of you!”

That’s… Unexpected.

Jisung isn’t sure he heard well, and pauses for a second there. Did Chan think that he- ?

Well, Jisung is well aware that his hyung isn’t close to knowing about Jisung’s silly – and quite honestly, desperate – crush on him. But to go as far as thinking he was taking advantage of Jisung?

He doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry.

“Hyung, what do you mean? I threw myself at you! If anyone took advantage here, that would be me!”

He doesn’t feel like he took advantage of Chan with the way his hyung responded to the kiss. There is a part of him who knows he should probably not have done it, because he thinks better of himself than a homewrecker, but if the third – absent – party was the problem, Chan should have been the first to think about it.

“You were drunk!”

Jisung feels a headache coming.

“You were drunk too! And high!”

“But I have experience!”

Jisung wants to snort, this argument is stupid.

“Seriously, Chan-hyung? What do you think I’m doing at my night hang-out with Seungmin? Play monopoly?”

From the pause Chan takes and the way he suddenly looks at Jisung, yes, this is news to him. Sometimes, Jisung wonders if Chan will see him as an actual person and not the little boy he made out of him in his mind. With how fervent the kiss they shared was, he sure hopes Chan stopped seeing him that way.

But Chan likes to take the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he feels like he has to protect Jisung from it, too. Jisung usually find it cute, the way he insists on protecting him.

Now, it’s bordering on naivety.

“Then… Why are you mad?” Chan asks like he doesn’t get Jisung, like his actions are beyond understanding. His eyebrows are turned into a frown, confused.

It’s so innocent, and Jisung feels his heart pounding in his chest at the idea of shattering with his own words the wall of denial he build around them.

“You..? Why am I mad? Hyung, you have a soulmate! He loves you with his whole heart and you just kissed me?”

Jisung can see the understanding slowly making its way on Chan features. And somehow, it makes Chan smiles, like he doesn’t care that he’s a cheater.

“It’s okay,” he says.

It’s not! It’s not okay, Jisung can’t accept that. If he’s heartbroken, he doesn’t want to fall alone.

“It’s not okay!”

Chan gets closer, then. He acts like he’s approaching a wild beast. He has the same posture he always uses when he needs to calm Jisung. A technique that is one hundred percent effective. But it’s not anger that Jisung needs to calm down from, and he’s not sure he can handle Chan’s gentleness in addition to everything.

“It is, I promise! I talked to Felix. He doesn’t mind… Hey, hey…”

He shushes Jisung gently, takes him in his arms. He smells goods, his apple scented shampoo stuck to his still wet curls. Jisung is weak for his hyung, and he immediately seeks comfort.

“We have an understanding, okay? We talked about it… We thought… It’s okay to experience life before we meet, yeah?”

Felix . Jisung wants to hate the name, but this is the person who makes his Chan-hyung the happiest, so he can’t really do it.

He’s surprised by this statement. He knows the way they work, because Jisung didn’t spend the past six years clinging to Chan to end up knowing nothing about Felix. He knows about their decision not to rush fates, that the world would bring them together one day, when it was meant to be. There is romance in the way they exchanged numbers, but refused to text each other unless it was an emergency. Chan craves to hear Felix’s voice - he told Jisung many times - and his thumb often hover over Felix’s name on his contact list, but he never actually called..

They wait, patiently. But Chan is a romantic at heart, and Jisung is surprised to hear him say he doesn’t want to reserve himself to his soulmate.

It hurts, not knowing a part of Chan’s mind. He knows there is a lot he doesn’t know, and most of it is about Felix, and the tears in Jisung's eyes beg to be let out.

“So, I am an experiment?”

He can’t help himself; he has to ask. And now, he’s afraid of the answer.

“What? No, of course not! You’re one of my best friends! You’re moonlight in the darkest night, you’re my baby ...!”

It feels like Chan wants to drown Jisung into reassurance, with the numbers of sweets nicknames he throw at him. Or maybe he’s just trying to make him laugh. It’s working like a charm, and in minutes they’re back to normal. Or, pretending to, in Jisung’s case. He doesn’t think he will ever be able to get over the kiss.

ooOOoo

Jisung is envious of Seungmin. He has a name on his wrist. Simple and effective. Seungmin doesn’t share the sentiment, complaining about the numbers of Lee Minho existing in the country, but he just likes to complain.

That’s Kim Seungmin for you.

Still, a mark like this is easy. You don’t have to wonder if you have a soulmate, like Jisung, and you don’t have to make weird plans, like Chan. You can just… Live your life until you meet the one.

“You’re thinking too much about it.”

Jisung can’t help it. Before Chan, he didn’t care about his soulmate, and now it’s all he can think about. In his mind, there is Hozier’s “Sunlight” playing again and again, because it’s Chan’s new obsession and Jisung, in addition to hearing it every time he goes over’s to Chan, has it stuck in his head.

“I just think it’s unfair. Almost everyone around us had developed their link to their soulmate by now, and me? Not even a hint. No weird dreams, no strange scars, no one communicating with me in any way…”

Seungmin’s sighs, that’s not the first time they have this conversation.

“It will come when it’s time,” he says, obviously bored by the conversation, but he still indulges Jisung, “and like, for real, the other day I met a Lee Minho. He was like, super old. I almost had a panic attack.”

 Jisung laughs.

“Chan-hyung old or like, actually old?”

“Chan-ssi is actually old. You would notice if you took the pink sunglasses off.”

“I love my men mature, thank you very much.”

Seungmin laughs, and they stop the conversation here. Seungmin has met five Lee Minho in his life, and he says that every time he knew they weren’t his soulmate even before he saw they didn’t have his name on their wrist.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when they’ve had too much to drink, Seungmin will whisper that sometimes he’s scared that his soulmate doesn’t have his name on their wrist, and that he won’t know immediately they’re the one.

Jisung will stay awake much longer than Seungmin. He is scared that he doesn’t have a soulmate, or that they’ll miss each other. He’ ha read stories about people, how Soulmates are supposed to be unmistakable, but mistakes still exist.

Jisung is scared no one will love him in a way that fits perfectly. He knows it’s wrong, he tries to reason. Seungmin loves him. Chan loves him, even if this is not in the way Jisung wishes to be loved. And there is no reason he won’t be loved by anyone.

There is no reasoning with anxiety. He’s scared that once all his friends find their soulmates, he will stay alone. Second thought to everyone around him.

ooOOoo

“So, your soulmate… Do you know each other?”

Chan looks at him with surprise. Jisung had been careful to avoid the subject for the few weeks since he met Chan, but he’s too curious. And, maybe, because after a few weeks, he finally decided to grow a pair and swallow the bitter pill.

Chan isn’t his soulmate, and being a brat about it won’t change that fact.

Chan smiles, then, dimples out. Jisung’s stomach churns: this smile is not for him.

“No, we don’t.”

Somehow, it takes a weight from Jisung’s shoulder. Like he’s winning some undefined project.

“Oh.” He says. Well done, Jisung. Way to make great conversations.

“It’s funny, actually. We know all about our daily lives, and our deepest secrets, but I don’t know any basic facts about him despite his name.”

“Are you in love with him?”

Chan shrugs, he seems to think about it.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure. I love talking to him, you know? But I’ve always had a hard time bonding with people at a distance. I guess I’ll know when I’ll meet him.”

That’s not information that should've been given to Jisung. He feels like a vulture stalking his prey, the way he suddenly sees it as an opening. Because He may have gotten over the fact that Chan isn’t his soulmate, but he has eyes and Chan is hot. Hotter than anyone Jisung has ever met. And they click ! It just works, between them.

Jisung has never felt that way with anyone. He always has to have a fighting moment with people, but that doesn’t happen with Chan. He simply accepted Jisung, with his quirks and his flaws.

“So… Do you think it may be a platonic bond?”

“Ahh, I don’t know, maybe? I feel like, once we’ll meet, it will click. But maybe I’m just being too romantic.”

Jisung doesn’t insist, that day. He tries so hard not to let hope wander into his heart, and he’s right to do so. Chan may not be in love with Felix, yet, but it’s so clear he wants to be in love with him one day.

ooOOoo

Lino is objectively Jisung’s best friend.

He said that to Chan one day, and he was so happy to notice the jealousy on Chan’s features, even when he tried to play it cool. And then Jisung had explained that Lino was an online friend, and Chan immediately became extra protective, and Jisung loves when Chan is being protective, because all his attention is on Jisung only.

But Chan is not Jisung’s best friend, because Jisung’s feelings toward Chan, after months of knowing each other, are getting further away from the platonic territory each day.

Also, even if Jisung feels so at ease with Chan, there are hobbies they don’t share – like his love for anime and manga – and secrets Jisung isn’t ready to share with Chan – mostly because he admires Chan a little too much.

But it’s different with Lino, because Lino is so unapologetically himself, in all his weirdness, so Jisung feels absolutely comfortable being himself around him, too.

And, yes, sometimes it includes sharing hentai recs, but that is neither here nor there.

Weirdly enough, with Lino, Jisung starts to understand Chan and Felix’s relationship better. Contrary to Chan, he doesn’t have any problem getting attached to Lino even if their conversations are only virtual, but same as Felix and Chan do, they may share about deep secrets and daily lives, they don’t know basic facts about each other.

Because Lino is obviously not Lino’s real name, and in turn, online, Jisung will get called J.One.

They don’t talk about soulmates much. Jisung only knows that Lino hasn’t met his own, yet, and that his link with his soulmate is “stupid and quite ridiculous and how is he supposed to find anyone with a clue like this one”. They talked about it when Jisung wondered in chat if maybe they were soulmates, because it felt like it, like he’d want to feel with a platonic soulmate.

Lino doesn’t think they’re soulmates, but he mostly thinks he doesn’t care. He doesn’t need fate to tell him that Jisung loves him.

Jisung wishes he had that confidence.

ooOOoo

Jisung doesn’t really get the chance to see a drunk Chan before he enters College. Due to the fact that Jisung used to live with his parents, mostly. Now he lives in the dorm, his roommate - a nice guy whose name is Jeongin - is an extrovert who actually has things to do with friends over the weekend – when he doesn’t go back home to see his family – and Jisung can invite a drunk Chan over when he leaves the party early enough in the night.

It's usually by the time Minho stops texting him because he has better things to do – like sleeping, thank you very much – and Jisung is still binge watching anime, too lazy to go from the couch to the bed.

Chan is never actually drunk , mostly tipsy. He giggles a lot, which is the cutest thing to see, and Jisung didn’t think he could fall even more in love, but apparently he’s dead wrong. There is something about seeing a more relaxed, open version of Chan. Not that he isn’t with Jisung, but he doesn’t usually take Jisung hands to make them dance together, and sings anime openings with him.

“How do you even know this song, you don’t watch anime?!” Jisung asks between two laughs.

“Stop watching when I’m working and maybe I’ll stop taking up on them~” Chan sing-song, his eyes forming crescent and dimples fully visible on his cheeks.

Jisung's heart is hammering against his ribcage, and he’s relieved for a grand total of half a second when Chan makes him turn away, until he has the older flashed flat against his back, arms secured around Jisung’s lithe body.

“You know,” he says, his breath warm against Jisung’s neck. He tries – and fail – to suppress a full body shiver, “Sometimes, I have songs in my head and I…”

If Jisung thought his heart was beating fast before, it’s even worse now. Because there are a thousand ways this sentence could go and one of them is burning Jisung’s mind.

“And you what..?” He asks when the silence stretches too long.

Jisung can feel Chan’s hands tighten their grip around him, so he knows he didn’t fall asleep on him. He’s not reassured by it. He needs Chan to continue his sentence because the wait is killing him.

“And I always think about you.” He finishes.

And Jisung… Well, Jisung doesn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t this. Sometimes, he’s so lost in his feelings for Chan that he forget he’s one of his favorite persons, too.

He turns again, arms around Chan. He feels so tiny in his embrace. He can’t believe anyone would feel more right than him. Not anyone, ever.

“Hyung… Promise you won’t leave me. When you find your soulmate, don’t forget about me, please.”

“Never”, Chan promises. He kisses the top of Jisung’s head, “you’re my baby. No one can replace you. Ever.”

ooOOoo

Jisung cries the first time he meets Lino, and it’s for none of the reasons he expected he would cry for.

See, Jisung is excited to meet the person he has so much fun with online for the first time. He’s also anxious, because what if Lino is a serial killer? Or worse, he doesn’t actually like Jisung in real life? Maybe Jisung even has been catfished? Not that he would really care, the pics Lino had sent him of himself were insanely gorgeous and no one should be allowed to be that handsome.

Not that Chan seemed to share the sentiment, because he only agreed with greeted teeth and the wisdom that appearance wasn’t everything.

Whatever, he was probably just jealous because there was no way Felix was near that pretty.

Plus, Chan was just generally anxious at the idea of Jisung meeting Lino. He kept pestering Jisung on being careful and calling him if anything went wrong, and not to be too disappointed if Lino turned out not to be his soulmate. It seemed like Chan would be the most disappointed if that happened, seeing how many times he brought that conversation to the tables.

Jisung was at peace with the fact that Minho could be, or not, his soulmate. Honestly, not making a fool of himself was a top priority for him on this day, nothing else really mattered.

He was more excited than anxious, honestly. They’ve known each other for years at this point, and they made sure to meet some place they both loved, a cute coffee shop Jisung had spent many afternoons with Seugmin in.

So, he’s nervous, but this is a good nervous. Things will go well. They will talk like they always do, except it will be with their voice instead of text messages. That’s great, he can do it.

Lino is even more gorgeous in life than in photos - mostly because the biggest part of this pictures lino has sent of himself could fall under the “meme” category, but that’s not here or there – and Jisung quickly realize he wouldn’t have needed the accessory they agreed to wear to recognize him.

Lino doesn’t notice him immediately, already sitting, two iced americano in front of him, and typing furiously on his phone. He’s probably the reason why Jisung’s phone keeps on vibrating in his pocket, and that’s why Jisung doesn’t bother to check.

“Hey!”

Lino looks at him, and his whole face beams. If it was anyone else, Jisung would probably feel bad just standing next to him.

“Hey! Sit, sit, I ordered for you already.”

That’s when he sees it; the wrist.

Or, more accurately, the words on the wrist.

He must be making a face because Lino frowns, and looks at his wrist too. He seemed ready to talk, but Jisung is faster than him.

“Lee Minho?”

Lino looks genuinely surprised, but it’s quickly being replaced by excitement, as Lino looks at Jisung’s own wrist, and the obvious confusion seeing said wrist absolutely empty of his name.

Jisung feels his heart constrict.

“And you’re…?” Minho asks, trying not to get his hopes up.

“Han Jisung,” He introduces himself quickly, taking the bandaid off, as he sits awkwardly on his chair, “Kim Seungmin is one of my best friends.”

For a fraction of second, Minho doesn’t seem to understand what is happening, and then he turns back to his initial smile, like he didn’t just receive life changing news.

“Well, Kim Seungmin can wait, I’m here to meet you after all.”

That’s when Jisung cries, feeling stupidly overwhelmed, because how can Minho be so chill, and nice, when he would have all the rights to ask more about his soulmate? That’s what Jisung would have done, probably. Or maybe he had been holding on the fact that Lino may be his soulmate more than he thought he would.

Still, Jisung can’t be mad at Minho because destiny didn’t make him to be his fated one. Especially not when he does everything he can to calm Jisung down, including some unfair – but who makes Jisung laughs – jabs at his newfound soulmate.

“How dare Kim Seungmin put himself between us.” “Fates be damned, you’re my soulmate now.”

When he goes back to Chan’s place after hours spent with Minho, getting ice cream, chatting around the park, going to see the worst movie ever, and then trying to outrun each other in the city, he feels a lot better.

“Have you cried?” Chan asks, still, as he sees Jisung enters his tiny apartment, “Did something happen?”

He seems ready to throw hands. 

“Minho is Seungmin’s soulmate.”

Chan’s face turns immediately to sadness, and he opens his arms. Jisung doesn’t even wait before running right into Chan’s embrace.

Chan’s sweatshirt is warm, and Chan’s words of reassurance are velvet against his ear.

Still, Jisung’s heart aches.

How does Bang Chan always make Jisung feel simultaneously better and worse?

ooOOoo

Minho outright refuses to have Jisung make him meet Seungmin.

He says that his time with Jisung is supposed to be about them, and if Fates really wants to put him together with Seungmin, they have to work harder for it. 

Jisung feels so guilty about it he refuses to talk about it to Seungmin until Chan – who he can’t hide anything to, except maybe for his feelings – kindly remind him that he doesn’t have to feel guilty for Minho’s actions but that doesn’t mean he should be a bad friend to Seungmin himself.

Chan, for some reasons, doesn’t seem like the biggest fan of Minho and whenever the subject is brought upon the table, looks two seconds away from telling Jisung he should stop seeing him.

And sure, Minho is not the best when it comes to the Seungmin situation, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy all over. Even if Jisung can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to meet his soulmate.

Hyunjin is the first to give him somewhat of an explanation when Jisung explains the situation to him – not naming any names whatsoever.

“Oh, no, I get it! I would hate to have someone wingman my soulmate! This is supposed to be Fates’ job to make sure everyone meets in a way that is perfect for them!”

Hyunjin is a romantic at heart. He dreams of the thousand ways he could meet his own soulmate. He talks about meetings in Paris, or under cherry blossoms. Jisung is afraid one day Hyunjin will meet the person thanks to who he has literal love poems tattooed on the arms and still be disappointed.

Jisung can’t agree with him. He just wants to meet his soulmate, in any way, so he will know there is someone somewhere made for him, and he’s not doomed to be alone until the end of his miserable existence.

That’s why he goes to Seungmin. Because even if Jisung is a coward, and afraid he will lose his two best friends in one move, Seungmin deserves to find love.

Peculiarly, Seungmin isn’t mad when Jisung explains the situation. He actually goes white when Jisung tells him he met a Lee Minho with Kim Seungmin written on his wrist. The colors only get back when Jisung pitifully adds that Minho doesn’t want to meet him, yet.

His friend sighs out of relief. He falls on the bed, before he laughs manically.

Seungmin was always verging on craziness, but he’s finally gone, apparently.

Jisung waits for him to calm down, sitting by his side on the bed.

“I don’t think I’m ready to meet him yet, either, I think.” Seungmin says, when he finally calms down.

“You’re not?” Saying Jisung is surprised would be a understatement. Seungmin has never been one for romantic gesture, like Hyunjin. 

“Yeah, I don’t know. When you told me you met him, I just… I felt panicked,” another surprise because Seungmin very rarely panicks, and when it happens, it’s usually about exams. “It’s supposed to be my person , you know? It feels like… Once I meet them, there is no turning back, no one else.”

He takes a deep breath, trying to put his thoughts into words.

“Suddenly it felt like a big responsibility.”

Jisung doesn’t get it.

“It’s not a responsibility, he’s just Minho. ”

Minho, who is snarky on the outside and so sweet on the inside, who loves his cat so dearly and always cares for his close ones. Minho, who doesn’t have to say when he loves people, because he shows it in so many ways.

“Yes, for you he is… But for me? He’s a stranger.”

They stay silent for a while after that. Jisung isn’t too sure what to say. He never thought about it in that way. It’s hard to think about being afraid to meet someone who is one hundred percent made for you… But he also feels like that when he’s with Chan, and the idea of loving someone more than he does Chan is scary.

ooOOoo

Somehow, Minho and Seungmin had met without Jisung’s intervention. He learns about it weeks after it happens, and he’s slightly sulky about not being warned about it, but he’s also glad they didn’t tell him immediately because he has a hard time managing his own feelings, and he doesn’t want to take it out on them.

Then, Hyunjin meets Minho, and apparently, they both dance at university, and despite Minho’s regular threats on hyunjin’s life, they get well together.

That’s how the dance studio unexpectedly becomes one of Jisung’s comfort places. With Minho and Hyunjin constantly practicing and Seungmin pretending he’s not whipped for his soulmate.

He didn’t think there would be a day he tried to avoid Chan either. Not before he met Felix, at least, and especially not because they kissed out of everything. Life works in mysterious ways.

The music is loud enough no one hears him enter. Seungmin is surprisingly absent that day, but Hyunjin and Minho are focused on trying the most ridiculous dance to Britney Spears’s Toxic, accompanied by a third presence Jisung has never seen before.

The dude has died blonde hair, socks above the knees and – Jisung notices when the guy turns – Oh , the prettiest face Jisung has ever seen.

And it’s saying something because Hyunjin and Minho are in the same room.

Jisung’s heart starts to do some somersault that Jisung has come to associate with nervousness – he was never good with strangers, even less with beautiful strangers.

(Minho being the exception but he knew Minho long before he had seen his face so it’s not the same).

The guy stops in his track when he notices Jisung, face beaming and offering him the biggest smile.

Minho and Hyunjin notice Jisung too, then, and someone stops the music.

“Jisung-ah, this is Yongbok, he’s a new student, freshly comes from Australia.”

Jisung is shy, at first. But ss the day goes on, he feels better around Yongbok. They match well together, and they communicate better than the rest, Yongbok’s still slow Korean balanced by Jisung’s almost fluent English.

After a day, they’re great friends.

After a few weeks, they’re inseparable.

ooOOoo

Jisung starts to hate fate the day he meets Changbin.

Changin is funny, emotionally in tune with people, and one hell of a songwriter. Chan has talked about him a thousand times before Jisung ever had the occasion to meet him, and honestly? Changbin is great. Their time together, as Chan insists that the both of them absolutely need to join forces to make the bestest songs, is great as long as Changbin keeps his sweatshirt on.

Which is a shame because Jisung’s monkey brain has been looking forward to it. Not in a horny way! He’s just curious. Changbin’s arms seem so big under his clothes, he kind of wants to see the truth behind all of it.

(He has a horny brain, he’s a hormonal teenager, Chan keeps being an accidental tease and Jisung hasn't had any action since ever.)

However, when Changbin takes off his sweatshirt, it’s not the size of his biceps, or the definition of his muscles, that makes Jisung choke on his water.

No, this is the flowers painted on it.

Not because he didn’t expect flowers tattooed on him (he definitely didn’t expect it), or because the flowers are ugly (they’re beautiful. That’s not the reason. The thing is, he knows these flowers. He has seen them many times. He knows the painter personally. A very close friend. 

“That’s… That’s Hyunjin’s!”

Changbin looks at him quizzically for a total of two seconds before he stands up, eyes wide and getting too close to Jisung for comfort.

“You know my soulmate?”

He doesn’t cry, this time around. He pouts, however, and takes a mean pleasure explaining to Changbin that Hyunjin is waiting for Fates to make them meet, because that’s the most romantic way.

Changbin promises to keep his arms out so whoever is made for him will know and to make the grandest gesture for his romantic soulmate. Jisung doesn’t tell him about the love lyrics tattooed on Hyunjin’s arm. He’s happy for Hyunjin, honestly, Changbin seems like a good guy – Chan insists he’s one of the best guys out there – and that’s what his friend deserves, but he can’t help but feel miserable for himself.

It’s the second time he met their soulmates instead of his friends. He wonders how many times it has to happen before he’s allowed his own love story.

Still, Chan knows how hard this is for him, and treats him to ice cream, so not everything is lost for Jisung.

ooOOoo

Yongbok and Jisung are both so tactile it’s a wonder they didn’t touch before, honestly. Or, they did touch, above clothes, he guesses, walking arm in arm wearing the biggest coat because the temperatures are dropping by the day, grabbing each other over long sleeves shirts.

But Spring is slowly coming back, clothes are coming off, and they want to celebrate by going shopping for ice cream. It’s one of the rare times they’re alone, and Jisung had been strangely excited at the prospect.

Yongbok’s hand is small in Jisung own. It makes his heart swell. He tries not to show how nervous it makes him, avoiding looking at Yongbok, or they joined hands. Yongbok is talking about this new show he’s watching, carefully choosing his word in the endearing way he does when he’s serious about a subject. The fact that the subject is an anime he thought Jisung would like is a nice addition too.

Is he falling in love with Yongbok? Is he finally moving on from Chan?

Would that even be a better option? To fall in love with someone new? At least, with Chan, he knows what he’s in for? There is a form of comfort in the misery put by his love for Chan.

Feelings for Yongbok however? This is new. Exciting and terrifying at the same time. Jisung would probably crash and burn and somehow he wants to jump in with both feet.

There is a desire, in his guts, to kiss Yongbok’s cheeks when he sees the beaming smile of the other boy when they get to the ice cream parlor.

Jisung doesn’t notice until they both have ice cream in their hands. Too busy being a gentleman and praying he still has enough money to pay for the both of them.

And then it’s like his brain can’t comprehend what’s happening immediately. Somewhere in his head, the Beatles are running in circles.

You're gonna lose that girl (yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna lose that girl (yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

If you don't treat her right, my friend

You're gonna find her gone (you're gonna find her gone)

'Cause I will treat her right, and then

You'll be the lonely one (you're not the only one)

But his hand isn’t supposed to be yellow. And when he looks at Yongbok, and his hands are yellow too, all he can do is wonder where the color comes from.

“Did you accidentally get Hyunjin’s paint on your hand?”

The question is from Yongbok who looks as confused as Jisung’s feels. He shake his head “no”. There is an idea in his head. He’s not sure where this is coming from, like a theory that is more fog than anything.

He brings his hand to Yongbok’s cheek, and pokes gently with his forefinger. When he takes it off there is a pale blue mark which disappears after a few seconds. He tries again, fascinated. There is a part of him which knows what is happening, but this part is hidden behind the buzzing of his mind. He can’t think of anything.

The second time, he let his finger longer. The blue is darker. Yongbok is also slowly raising his hand. Jisung gets a whole body shiver when Yongbok’s hands caress his face lightly. Jisung wonders if the same pure captivation can be seen on his face.

It’s the freezing and disgusting feeling of ice cream melting on his left hand that brings him back to reality. He’s quick to try to lick the ice cream off. Some fall on the ground, and the laughs of Yongbok resonate in the small parlor.

It’s delightful, and Jisung comes to the sudden realization that it’s his. Yongbok is his soulmate.

His heart threatens to escape his ribcage from how strong it beats. His hands get clammy. He’s been waiting for his soulmates for so many years, and now that he’s facing him he wonders what he’s supposed to do.

His excitement turns to dread when he realizes he doesn't know how Yongbok feels about him. He’s heard about platonic soulmates, or romantic ones, but are they always on the same page?

Fortunately, the dread doesn’t have time to settle, because Yongbok decides to destroy him completely first.

“But I… I already have a soulmate?”

ooOOoo

In the week that follows, Jisung doesn’t talk to anyone. He stays in his room, doesn’t answer his phone, and even when his friends, worried, come to see him, he doesn’t tell them anything.

It’s not even that he doesn’t want to talk, he simply can’t. All the words stuck in his head don’t want to come out in his mouth, and the only reaction he can give them is another wave of tears when they start talking about either soulmates, Yongbok, or Chan.

Chan .

His forever comfort who he downright refused to let in. He can’t see him right now. He wants to. He wants to be in his arms so bad, wants the reassurance he’s always so quick to give him.

You’re lovable Jisung, of course you will find your soulmate, of course they will love you, why wouldn’t they, they’re your soulmate!

Except that Jisung’s soulmate already has someone to love, and who is Jisung to come between them.

“Yongbok has not met his other soulmate, yet.” Minho tells him once. Yongbok must have informed him of the situation, “So I don’t know what goes on in this head of yours, but if you think you’re his second choice, and that you don’t deserve him, you can forget it.”

Except that’s wrong, because Yongbok is sweet, easy-going and seen as a ray of sunshine by everyone, and that would be a real bummer for him to have someone as Jisung, anxious, negative, and who let his anger have the best of him, as a soulmate. So in any case, Jisung is doing him a favor by letting go of him. 

“He’s worried about you,” says Hyunjin, always the emotional one, who agreed to watch a stupid drama, hiding under the cover with Jisung and holding him in his arms even when he isn’t generally one for physical touch.

Jisung doesn’t know if he talks about Chan or Yongbok.

“Well, he didn’t have to have a soulmate.”

ooOOoo

Jisung should have known Chan would insist on seeing him. And honestly, he thought he was ready. He wasn’t. He didn’t expect Chan to be angry . And, yes, he’s mostly worried, but there is anger lingering underneath. Anger directed toward Jisung.

“You don’t call, you don’t text! Do you know how worried I was? I thought something terrible had happened! And then, okay, you want to feel alone, that, I get. But you’ve been ignoring me, specifically? What did I do wrong, Han Jisung? Why am I suddenly not enough for you?”

And Jisung is sad, and on his last nerve, and he can’t keep his feelings locked in any longer. So he snaps.

“Because I’m in love with you! I’ve been in love with you since I met you, and it hurts like hell! And when I finally, finally think I have a way to move on, because I met my fucking soulmate he..!” Jisung crack, at this moment. His anger turns into sadness, and the scream into an ugly sob, “He has a soulmate of his own . So, excuse me for not wanting to see you, but I’m allowed to hurt.”

He doesn’t dare to look at Chan, at first, eyes fixed on his feet. He wears black shoes with his dark jeans, like he always does, because Chan doesn’t know anything about colors. That’s not even true. Chan is color itself, and has always been Jisung’s own lighthouse, his guide away from darkness.

Another sobs leaves his lips.

Chan is not moving, not speaking.

When he finally finds the courage to look at Chan again, he looks flabbergasted.

“You… You’re in love with me?” Chan has never sounded so small.

That’s the moment Jisung sees Yongbok, in the periphery of his vision. Seeing how wide his eyes are open, he probably heard this.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jisung grumbles, and he closes his door on Chan and Yongbok both.

He sits behind it. He wants to cry again but he can’t. He’s exhausted, emptied of all feelings.

He can hear Yongbok’s deep voice through the door.

“Jisung, please, can we talk? I like you so much, I swear, I didn’t mean to drop this on you that way…”

And now, Jisung feels even more like a jerk because how dare he make Yongbok feel like any of this is his fault? Same goes for Chan.

Jisung is the problem.

He waits until he can hear their footsteps getting away from the door, long enough that his back is cold against the floor.

You and me, we used to be together

Every day together, always

I really feel that I'm losin' my best friend

I can't believe this could be the end

It looks as though you're lettin' go

And if it's real, well, I don't want to know

Don’t speak lyrics are playing in his head even before he can reach for his phone to put some music on. It fits too well for his guts.  

ooOOOoo

He’s in the shower when they come back. Pushed to finally clean himself by his roommate. Jeongin even promised ramen when he came out of it.

It feels good, after days of drowning in his own dirtiness.

He doesn’t hear the knocks, nor can he stop Jeongin from opening the door.

He’s surprised, then, when he sees the two people he has been avoiding for the past week sitting on two of the chairs around their tiny table.

“Jisung!” They say both at the same time, there is sadness in Chan’s soft tone and relief in Yongbok’s voice.

He gulps, sends a panicked gaze to Jeongin, who answers with a shrug.

“You’re not sabotaging your relationship with your favorite person and your soulmate under my watch, hyung.”

And then he’s gone into his own room, leaving Chan, Yongbok et Jisung alone.

It’s awkward, at best. There is an obvious tension that no one seems ready to cut, all looking at each other waiting for who would be brave enough to break the silence.

“So, I’ve been kinda avoiding you,”  Jisung starts at the same time Chan goes “I’m sorry I didn’t notice I was hurting you,” and Yongbok says “I’ve been making researches and…”

They look at each other, surprised, and then all laugh. It feels good, it defuses the tension.

“You two should talk first, I’m going to…” Chan vaguely indicates the bathroom, “I’ll be back.”

Yongbok takes Jisung’s hands into his hands then, his touch feather like. He looks determined when he starts talking.

“I really like you.” He says, “And I don’t know if my relationship with my other soulmate will be romantic or not, but I know from experience some people have a heart big enough for multiple persons.”

Jisung’s gaze follow as Yongbok’s give a quick stare the way Chan left. He feels hypocritical, now, to ask all of Yongbok’s attention when he himself can’t get his shit right. And having been completely obsessed with his hyung for the past too many years.

“You’re not mad that I…”

Yongbok shakes his head lightly, then gets closer to Jisung, one hand on the side of his face, like he was about to tell him a secret.

“I have to agree, he’s kinda hot.”

Yongbok laughs, then, clear and loud. He’s beautiful, and Jisung’s heart makes something weird in his chest. He feels warm inside, calm.

“Can I ask about him… Your other soulmate?”

Yongbok nods, a little shaky.

“His name is Christopher. I think he’s a little older than me?  He always thinks about other people before himself… And, what else can I say…?”

Jisung has to force the air into his lungs when he realizes he has stopped breathing. He knows someone named Christopher, and that someone is…

“Well, I think he’s in love with his best friend, but that’s not here nor there. What else, uh.”

There is the click of a door opening behind Jisung, who is checking frantically around the room in search of a pen, a marker, whatever could make a trace on a skin.

“We haven’t been very in touch lately, so I hope he’s okay and – Chan?”

“You’re from Australia?”

“Uh, yes, but-”

“You have an English name, then?”

Yongbok doesn’t have time to answer because Jisung is catching his arm and rides up his sleeve, pen held as a weapon in his right arm. He’s quick to draw a line on it, under Felix befuddled eyes.

When he turns to Chan, he already has his own sleeve up.

The line Jisung just drew on Yongbok’s skin is slowly appearing on Chan’s on arm.

Chan’s mouth is left hanging open. Jisung blinks.

“Oh”, says Yongbok.

“ Oh. ” He repeats.

Because Yongbok is Felix.

ooOOOoo

“I always thought… But I didn’t know for sure…”

“I thought, because I spend all my time with you…”

But it seems obvious, now, when they sing songs while being away, when they listen to music the other isn’t supposed to hear.

It’s even more obvious when they kiss. This time there is no regret. He will write songs about this.

(Not now, thought. They’ll have all the time in the world for songs, later.)