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Jihoon wasn't even surprised when he woke up in the middle of the night. It has happened way too often that it's almost a miracle when it didn't. He barely sleeps nowadays, but if he does, he ends up waking from a nightmare he doesn't even remember.
His head throbs painfully, the kind that happens when it hasn't been long since you fell asleep and then was forced awake. It's a feeling he's been familiar with for months now, if not for years. Stumbling out of his room, he clumsily finds his way to the kitchen. Making coffee even with bloodshot eyes and shaking hands. It's nothing new , he has to remind himself. Willing his heart to slow down. It has happened before, it will keep happening. It's nothing new , even if he wakes up gasping and shaking from adrenaline without ever remembering why. It's like being sucked into a void, full of nothingness but you still feel the hollow of it right into your core. You try to grasp for it, but come empty handed and even emptier than you ever were.
He flinched when he heard the coffee maker, apparently time has passed since he stood up from his bed. He was about to reach for it but startled when another hand took it first, graceful as they halved the coffee into two mugs. Slowly, Jihoon's eyes follow the hands until they connect to a face.
Of course, it's Soonyoung. Who else would it be?
"Bad sleep?" The other man asked. It was never a bad 'dream
' or a 'nightmare' . Just sleep. And Jihoon felt validated by his simple choice of wording.
"Yes" He croaked, throat dry. He was thankful when Soonyoung finally gave him his mug of coffee. Gulping it down even if it's hot.
"Sleeping pills?"
Jihoon shook his head. He hates not having proper sleep, yes, but he hates sleeping pills even more. He doesn't know why he's struggling with it when he hears it's helpful to most people. But it makes him groggy, even if he already slept off its intended effective hours. His body feels heavy and his brain won't work properly. Like it's been mashed, like a potato. Slow and gooey and just... completely out of his control. He hates that. He hates not being able to control his mind because of meds. That's why he stopped drinking his antidepressants.
His therapist thought it's okay because he's functioning better, not normal… just better, so they opted it out and instead have a monthly session. Or two, if needed be.
Jihoon hasn't attended a session for two months.
"Even badder"
"That's not even a word, ji" Soonyoung snorted, soft because Soonyoung gets inexplicably soft during the early hours of the day. Or is it late hours of the night? What is even 4 am? Is it still night because the sun hasn't risen up yet? Or is it already morning, because dusk is already at bay?
"Words are hard" He mumbled over his mug. Once again being reminded by his throbbing head.
"It is when you're sleep deprived. Come, you have an early class tomorrow"
Jihoon felt how his heart dropped from his chest. He hates his first class every Thursday. And that's ironic because Jihoon used to love everything about music. But it has been three months of anxiety, self-doubting, and repressed breakdowns. He's tired. He tried to be positive at first, to treat it like a challenge. Because what is life if not with a little bit of suffering (he pushed down the thought listing just how much suffering he has experienced), but he's been on a constant edge because of it and Jihoon is tired of the pretense. He hates it.
He used to be proud of what he could do. He was aware of his potential. He knew what he's capable of.
But it all comes crashing down. He can't believe one fucking subject in college can make him doubt his fucking skill, his talent, his hard work. His whole fucking being .
And with the reminder that he, once again, has to deal with it first thing tomorrow is enough to have bile come up his throat. The throbbing in his head even louder and he can almost feel an attack coming.
Except Soonyoung started counting. Slow, like when he teaches children at the dance studio he works part time with. Purposely emphasizing his words, the number rolling off his tongue clearly.
Jihoon's minds latched onto it. On Soonyoung's voice. Unknowingly matching it with the voice in his mind, and the breathing in his lungs.
1... and then 2... next is three...
When they circle back to 1 from 8, Jihoon is already exhausted. Half empty mug on top of the table as his body leaned on the counter.
"Come sleep with me" It wasn't a question, nor a command. But Jihoon took it as such. Glad that he doesn't need to think about it more, glad for somebody taking over instead of letting him spiral over a simple decision.
Jihoon took the offered hand to him. Soonyoung, his roommate, pulling him towards his room, opposite to Jihoon's. Pushing him until he's on a bed, soft and surrounded by Soonyoung's familiar scent. And then next came his warmth, he's not hugging him, not yet. But all Jihoon was to do is turn around and snuggle on his chest before he finally feels strong arm around his waist. Finally, he feels safe. His anxiety sedated, at least for the night.
The serenity of it never lasts long. As if Soonyoung's room is a safe zone that once he steps out of it, all of the bad feelings he left outside rushes to latch back on to him.
The day went just the way he expected it... which is a fucking trainwreck.
Which at this point, he's not even surprised. Before the sem started, Jihoon was excited for this particular subject. Digital mixing after all is one of the foundations for music producers. And he would've been okay if the professor was a terror one. He's had multiple terror professors who ended up giving him the knowledge he needed to grow. Except this one isn't a terror... he's just downright a fucking asshole.
It's not like Jihoon is being singled out, no. It's almost like their class was made to feed on this professor's ego. They were like punching bags just so he can validate that he is fucking great. Normally, Jihoon wouldn't mind it. But he has tried a lot of things, most are met with an insult, if not, disappointment. He knew not to take it to heart, but there's only so much criticism you can take until you start doubting yourself too.
And then since he's so focused on this particular subject, he ends up not giving his best to others. Affecting it and then everything spirals from there.
He can't even take a fucking break to cry because he has classes and studio session and a group project to attend to.
By the time he's back to the dorms, he's so overwhelmed that he feels like his emotions are about to tip over. Like waves violently crashing on big rocks. High enough to prevent it from going over but cracked too much that it's starting to spill.
"Hey, I bought dinner. You're just in time" Soonyoung brought him back to the ground. Soonyoung reminds him of the eye of the storm. A momentary peace in the middle of his problems. Maybe he likens him to the sun on better days, but right now he's simply the only tranquility when everything around him is trying to crash him down.
Soonyoung also reminds him that storms are temporary.
It's enough to calm him down, just for this moment. Just enough for him to breathe.
"Hi" it was almost like an exhale and with it his emotions settled for the day.
And when Soonyoung held out his hand to him, he didn't hesitate to let him anchor him. He doesn't feel calm, not when his heart still beats fast from anxiety to longing. But it's okay because he's not as overwhelmed too. Soonyoung's warmth stops him from tipping over.
Once the end of the term finally came, Jihoon's energy sapped out of him. Months of gritting his teeth, he finally finished it out of forced will. In the end, it just felt like it had taken his all. He's exhausted. His emotions muted until he can no longer feel it. Instead of feeling relieved, there's just a big hole in him that he doesn't know how to process.
He ended up sleeping it off. For the whole of three days. It was so unhealthy and it made his head ache but he can barely get out of bed. He's not ill, he doesn't even have a fever. It was just his body giving up on him for a while.
Soonyoung being his saving grace who constantly checks on him and forces him to eat bites of food.
He only opens his eyes because even if he's so tired, there would always be a part of him who would push to the end just to see Soonyoung's smile.
By the time their grades were rolled out, Jihoon's just feeling... empty. Lethargic… but at least he's not in the vegetative state he was a few days ago. He waited for the site to load, not expecting anything at all. Until it finally did and he saw flying marks through and through.
Except for Digital mixing.
It wasn't low, but it's not high. It just passed. Higher than he expected, but lower from the result of the efforts he exerted.
In that moment, he felt a tinge of disappointment and a pinch of anger. Something he internally scrambles to hold on to because that's better than feeling nothing at all. It flew right through the gaps between his fingers, he ended up not caring at all.
Not when Soonyoung's text is more important.
Rooommate Kwon
11:45 am
How's my fave producer going?
Not yet a producer , he messaged back. A small smile lifts his lips. Even with this big black void inside of him, a shadow of warmth lingers because of Soonyoung. Now that there's no raging storm around him, Soonyoung's presence is like a shy ray of sunlight flickering between heavy dark clouds.
Before he can second guess himself, Jihoon sends him a screenshot of his grades. Knowing that it's the reason why Soonyoung is checking on him in the first place.
He expected Soonyoung to make a big deal of it, he expected a big reaction, because that's Soonyoung. In all ways that Jihoon tries so hard to hide, Soonyoung is out there letting the world see all of him. But Soonyoung is also like a sponge. He absorbs everything around him and fits himself correctly as he's needed be.
And right now Jihoon needed quiet support, Soonyoung gives him exactly that.
Roommate Kwon
5:48 pm
Celebratory dinner it is, then.
Sushi take out?
Me
5:49 pm
I'll cook ramen.
Roommate Kwon
5:49 pm
Gotcha :') Be right there with you!
Jihoon's small smile turned into a wide soft one. An unfamiliar action for these past few days, weeks even. But it's genuine nonetheless. This time, he didn't need to grasp on the warmth. It stayed and the void in his chest got smaller. Even for just a tiny bit.
But it was as if the world hadn't pushed him around enough, it brought him right back to the edge. He hadn't even stood up to get started on that ramen when his phone started to ring. He looked at it thinking it's just Soonyoung, his friends knew he'd be the first one to message them once he's up for talking, so he's just talking to Soonyoung and only Soonyoung at this moment.
However, the call’s from the least people he wants to talk to. But also the ones he needs the most.
"Hi" He answered attentively. He can already feel himself build up walls around himself as if waiting for the first attack.
"Have you gotten your grades?" No hellos, no how are yous. No greetings. Jihoon's gotten used to it.
"Yeah"
"So?" His father's voice was impatient at the end of the line. His father has always been that kind of person who believes that time is money. Every second of it should be used for something productive.
And to him, music isn't productive.
And Jihoon knew too, that he can't change his mind. That he shouldn't bother seeking someone's approval for something he loves more than life. But that's his father. That's his parents. They were the first to parade him like a shiny trophy when he was a kid who followed their every guide. They showered him with love because he was a perfect little kid. He knew the kindness they were capable of giving him because he was once the receiving end of it.
"They're... good" Jihoon knew that his grades were more than good. Even with his little hiccup with Digital Mixing, even that isn't enough to drag down his carefully curated standings. But he also knew how much it ruined the standard he created for himself. Something he's been refusing to acknowledge, something his subconscious was trying to fully repress.
Except now, it was like the giant void in his chest is a balloon instead. It blocked whatever he was feeling, creating a false safety of having no emotions when all along it was inside ready to burst with a single poke. His father gave it a hard blow.
"Just good? You fought for your... ideas , and then it's just good? You wanted this, son. The least you can do is be perfect with it"
It wasn't the anger that got to him. It was the relief in his father's voice. It was as if he was checking on him to see if he had failed yet. Not because he wants Jihoon to come home to him, but to prove him that he's been wrong all this time.
Jihoon's reminded once again that these are the same parents who threw him away without a second thought the moment he chose a different path than the one they wanted him to have. These are the same parents who showered him with dismissive words and thinly veiled insults. They never said anything unkind, but they said it in a way that Jihoon would start to doubt himself and everything he's got. These are the same parents who're treating him like a flaw. What's worse is knowing that all of these are intentional.
"Okay" He uttered when silence was loud between them. But even then, he's already removed himself from the conversation. He can hear his father still talking, but Jihoon's not listening anymore.
It's just the same script, anyway.
From being the first ones who supports him, they became the first ones who waits for him to fail.
And he hates himself for wanting to prove them wrong because he wants them to once again be proud of him.
As soon as the call ends, it didn't even take a second before he's crumbling down. It wasn't a panic attack, but more like hysterics. The sob was being ripped out of him, straight from his chest. It was suddenly so loud in the otherwise empty apartment. He's shaking, as if his emotions are too big for his body to handle. They want an out and crying isn't enough.
It suddenly makes sense why he was so affected by his professor in Digital Mixing. Because all of the words he had said has echoed everything his parents has been nailing his head with. It wasn't said in the same way but it all leads to the same thing; Maybe passion isn't enough. Maybe his efforts aren't enough. Maybe he's not enough.
Maybe he was wrong all along and they were right.
Maybe it wasn't for him after all.
Jihoon didn't even hear the door open, his sobs echoing in the four corners of their apartment walls. Didn't even hear Soonyoung come in. Until he's right in front of him, taking his gasping body in his arms. Holding him tight as if to remind him he's not drowning when he feels 6 feet under the ocean.
Is it alright to compare Soonyoung's voice with a siren? Except instead of following him to die in the ocean, it's his voice he followed to break through the surface. It was his beating heart he heard second, trying to match it with his own even if his chest hurt. It was Soonyoung's whisper that he hang on as a lifeline.
It could've been minutes or hours, but eventually he calmed down. His head is aching again, throbbing in full force. His eyes red and puffy, his muscles cramped, his throat scratched and rough.
He doesn't feel lighter even with the amount of tears he cried. He just feels defeated.
When he moved away from Soonyoung's hug, he was surprised to see the man crying too. Silent, tears falling one by one slowly.
"Why are you crying too?"
"It's been so long since I saw you like that. It was hard then, it didn't get easier"
Oh .
"I'm sorry" He said instead, because he doesn't know what else to say. Soonyoung shook his head and reached for his hand, slowly bringing it to his lips.
"Never apologize for your emotions, Ji. Can you tell me what happened?"
Jihoon doesn't want to. Doesn't want to burden the one person whom he wants to share his heart with. But he also knows that it's too hard to shove it back to where it was hiding before. The bubble has popped, his chest is left gaping with all of his emotions spilling out uncontrollably.
"Do you think I chose right?" He asked. Because more than his parents's validation, he needs Soonyoung's acceptance more.
"About?"
"Music. Did I really choose right by taking music?"
For a moment, there was silence. Soonyoung looks too stunned by his simple question. And for a moment too, Jihoon started to doubt. It isn't the first time he's been broken by the person he trusted the most after all. But then, Soonyoung's silence turned into confusion and then to... anger?
"It was never a choice, Jihoon"
"What?"
"Music isn't something you chose because music is you . It's in you, it's in your blood, it's in your heart. It's an extension of you, a part of you. It's something that can never be taken away from you. Lee Jihoon, do you understand that?"
"Soonyoung..." slowly tears started to gather in his eyes again. But it doesn't hurt this time. The relief that he's been seeking all this time, it's suddenly flowing out of him. "But what if... what if nobody listen? To me? To my music?"
Because I've been silenced before , he wanted to add. He was refused to be heard.
"I will" There was no hesitation in his voice and every word after are said with conviction, "Everything you created and will create has tiny pieces of you in them. How can I not love it? And that's what important, right? For a single person to hear you? I will be that person. I was there from your very first song, Ji. I've heard you before you've put your words into melodies. I saw your passion, your hard work. And I know you. You will keep working hard just like you are now and you will be loved. You will be loved, Lee Jihoon. Do you trust me?"
He nodded, even with the tears falling from his eyes, he didn't fail to hold Soonyoung's stare. His eyes full of all the emotions he's been longing for.
"I trust you" He whispered.
"Then believe me. I see you, Jihoon. And soon enough, people would too. We would make them to"
I see you, he said.
And Jihoon felt like it.
Jihoon felt seen.
He wanted to tattoo every word Soonyoung is telling him. But he knew from this day forward, he would remember them every single time. Because Soonyoung is right after all, all he needed is someone to see him. And Soonyoung did.
"I believe you" He cried and without asking, threw himself to the man who readily received him.
"I see you, Jihoon. I'm here"
I see you. It wasn't a confession yet, but it was just as good as one. He knew Soonyoung wouldn't magically cure him, rid of all the thoughts that had been ingrained to him. But it's a start. He doesn't want Soonyoung to fix him anyway, he just wants him to be here. Just like he said.
And maybe some time soon, when he gets back to his feet, call back his therapist, and bounce back from this better, maybe then the I see you would be I love you.
For now, this is as good as it gets.
They have time, after all, Soonyoung is here.