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“I remember that night when Lucia came into my room to tell me something. She told me about how she was being bullied in school, how depressed she had become, how she wished she didn’t exist… I remembered how much I wanted to help her at that moment. Hug her and tell her that it was going to be okay, but before I even had a chance to tell her anything, she told me not to tell mom anything or else she would hate me forever. And then she left my room.
I remember a few weeks later, I went into her room to say goodbye as I was going to school. She seemed happier. She was smiling at me, and it made me happy cause it seemed to me that she was doing better. She even told me that she loved me when I left. We didn’t say that often. But when I came home I found my mom crying. I hated when she cried. She mentioned Lucia’s name and I ran into her room. She wasn't there.
At that moment everything hurt. I wanted to rip my skin off of myself, I wanted to throw up all my internal organs. I think I screamed. I lost balance. I didn’t even notice when my mom came to hold me. I admitted to her what Lucia had told me. I told her that it was my fault and I couldn’t stop apologizing to her.”
…
“Do you still think it’s your fault?” Caelum’s voice was hush, like he was asking me something he secretly didn’t want me to hear.
“I’m not sure you would like my answer.”
A lot of days I would find myself not feeling anything. Without feeling, meaning or purpose. Caelum was the best cure to this and he didn’t even know it. His eyes drew me in. Light blue against dark brown. You couldn’t have light without the darkness. I felt purpose with him. He gave me meaning in the small things in life: His hand holding mine as we lay next to each other in my bed. When he made dinner for me, because I would always forget. Our talks in the middle of the night, when neither of us could sleep.
We hadn’t turned on any lights, just let the darkness surround us in a big blanket. It was comforting. The light made me feel exposed and I was less likely to tell Caelum anything, even if I really wanted to. I had forgotten to close the blinds and the city lights were highlighting Caelum’s face. I wanted to tell him he was pretty but Caelum wouldn’t allow it, he would just deny it and that would be the end of it.
His thumb was stroking the back of my hand. A feather light touch trying to comfort me. I couldn’t say for sure if it was helping me or not, but I let him do it anyway.
“I just remembered this one time, when my sister had made a song for our moms birthday, but she had trouble singing and playing on her keyboard at the same time so she made me sing the song instead. I don’t really have a good singing voice, but I could tell this meant a lot to her. When we had performed the song our mom had started crying, happy crying, which shocked me a little. It’s probably one of the best memories I have.”
I smiled fondly at the memory, I could tell how proud Lucia had been with herself. There was nothing that could have made me expect what would happen a few months later. Caelum wiped a tear from my eye, I hadn’t even noticed I had started crying. The weight of my shoulders still wasn’t completely gone and I knew I wanted to… no, needed to tell him more. Tell him about my mom.
“When I was 18 I moved out. I didn’t want to burden my mom anymore with taking care of me. I was excited to start a life of my own, attend college and get a good job. I wanted to take care of my mom, thank her for what she had done for me and when her birthday arrived I wanted to surprise her. She liked collecting these small porcelain figures of cute animals. Bunnies were her favorites, and while wandering the city I had found a store that sold some, and I immediately thought of her.
So when I came to visit her, she didn’t answer when I knocked on the door, but her car was there, so I just opened the door. I saw her immediately. Just, hanging from the ceiling. I couldn’t even enter the house and I think I cried so loudly that one of the neighbors heard ‘cause suddenly she was by my side, calling the police. They found her suicide note inside and I have lost count on how many times I have read it at this point.
I had to plan her funeral alone. She didn’t have any family left but me. My dreams of college were gone, and I was left as nothing but a failure son. I can’t even open doors anymore without preparing myself for what I might see. Her silhouette is still so clear in my mind.”
…
“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“It’s her birthday today.” I sank a ball of spit.
My hands were shaking and I clutched the bedsheets for support. Silently Caelum pulled me close to his chest and I held a tight grip on his shirt as I couldn’t hold it in anymore. All that grief resurfaced still as fresh as it was a year ago. Caelum whispered comforting words into my ear, drowning out everything else hanging in the room. I wished I had met Caelum earlier. He only knows Elio the mess and not the hopeful Elio. Pathetic stupid Elio. Pathetic stupid me.
“You’re not stupid or pathetic.” Stupid pathetic me who couldn’t keep their mouth shut.
His hands were cold as they caressed my hair, carefully detangling it. When was the last time I brushed it? I don’t even remember when I last got out of bed. All the days are blurring together into a big mess where I can’t tell right from left, whereas in the end the only thing I truly remember is what my room looks like and this forever numbness in my brain. And maybe… I also remember Caelum's eyes and the way they look at me in a way I can’t describe.
Eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up Caelum was still there. He wasn’t holding me anymore, just sat up in the bed staring out the window.
“I’m sorry.” My wrists ached.
“Don’t be.” His eyes never leaving the window.
“You can leave now if you want.” Caelum got up and closed the door behind him.