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Amanda both loved and feared the honeymoon phase of her new relationship with Sonny. They had definitely upgraded from being friends, but at the same time, she started to wonder what it would be like once the high of their first kiss faded away and the early discussions of their plans to move in together were settled. Would they be able to stand being under the same roof 24/7, especially when they had to explain the new arrangement to Jessie and Billie?
After all, she was more than used to romantic encounters turning out to be short flings rather than the stability she hoped for, or almost instantly regretting her decision to sleep with someone. She didn’t think the same thing would happen with Sonny; he had cared about her and been her friend for years, and they’d only shared their first kiss a week ago. It was the perfect friends-to-romance story, one she couldn’t wait to tell her girls once they were old enough to understand. Hopefully she and Sonny would still be together in, oh, 10 or 15 years.
For now, though, she decided to focus on one thing she loved about their new life: having him sleep in the same bed as her. Although they had shared a couch and a blanket many times, they had decided to not share a bed until they made their relationship official. He was also happy to finally have an upgrade from her couch, even though he always talked about how comfortable it was.
“I haven’t been hogging the blankets too much, right?” he asked when he joined her in bed. He’d just finished talking to Billie, who needed some extra urging to go to sleep, and he told Amanda to relax while he took care of it. He may not have been the girls’ biological father, but he’d been acting as if he was ever since Jessie was born and then again with Billie, even being the one who brought Jessie to the hospital to meet her new sister.
“No, I’ve always had enough room; no worries,” Amanda replied. “I love you, but not enough to be cold at night while we have a few of these cooler nights left. And the warmth of someone next to me can only help anyway. Did Billie settle down?”
“After one more story, yes. She finally seemed tired. I know you never liked to give them snacks much after a certain time of night to avoid things like this, but she’s resilient.”
“No kidding. Apparently this is the age where it’s not unheard of for kids to not want to nap or refusing to go to bed so easily. Meanwhile, I’m at least 30 years older than her and I want to sleep all the time.”
“With me or alone?” Sonny asked with a smile.
“Oh…I know you want to hear me say I want to sleep with you, and I do feel that way. But part of me does still miss having this big bed all to myself after a long day of work and looking after the girls. Even though it was easier when you were here and then went back to your own apartment.”
“No, I thought about that too when you asked me about moving in.” He laughed. “I think it’s only natural to miss what you’re leaving behind. I was excited to get the ADA role when Stone left, but I knew I was going to miss some things about being a detective, especially the camaraderie in the squad room. My work in the courthouse is a little more lonely, and besides, you’re not there all day.”
“Funny how we went from being work spouses to…well, we’re not married yet. But now we are boyfriend and girlfriend and the talk of the precinct. You’re just not around to hear it. And I can say the same thing. Work is still going good, but you’re not there for me to vent or to let me bounce my solutions for a case off of you.”
“I’m here when you get home, though. It’s kind of funny, isn’t it? We both said we never wanted to get together with anyone we worked with, and yet that’s how life worked out for us. Priests might say that means God has a sense of humor. Still, I think it makes coming home at night that much better. We’re only around each other at lunch, and there’s a lot of workday left after that. There’s more to share and discuss.”
“True.” Amanda smiled.
“You know,” she told him. “Getting together with you has been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. There’s something about making it official and deciding to start a romance that’s just…different. While I can’t explain it yet, I think a lot has to do with where I once was and where I’m at today.”
“Tell me more.”
“Before I met you, or…even after you were such a huge part of my life but I got involved with Al…I can’t even describe where I used to be. And I’m sitting here realizing you know all that stuff about my past. All the destruction Kim caused. My gambling addiction and nearly getting myself fired when I went undercover and worked with Declan. Then him being Jessie’s biological father. I don’t know what I was looking for all of those years. Even Declan…I sensed that he cared about me and Jessie, albeit I didn’t know what her name would be at the time he offered to send me money and be there for whatever I needed. But I didn’t need him because I didn’t love him. We hooked up one time; you can’t build a happy family based off of that.
“With Al, it was the same feeling. He wanted to marry me so badly, but I was in no way comfortable having him around Jessie. I almost wondered why he was proposing to me and was pushing the conversation so much. It only made it worse that he decided to do it when you brought me to the hospital once I was in labor with Billie. As if I could happily say yes and think clearly when I was getting ready for the next contraction.”
“You know, I can’t help but think that has to be the moment when you knew he was wrong for you.” Sonny said with a laugh. “Sorry, I feel bad for laughing, but is it at least somewhat true?”
“I’ve never thought about it that way before. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how clueless he was. But you know what? You’re right.” Amanda smiled back at him, since she wasn’t sure if she could laugh about that moment just yet.
“I wish my story were as compelling as yours,” he continued. “The fact is, my love life was always pretty…boring and typical before I met you. I went on a lot of dates and had my share of serious relationships, maybe considering marriage with one other girl. When we realized we didn’t really want to marry each other, I was disappointed. I kind of felt like I was a coward because I couldn’t go through with proposing or didn’t want to. But you know something else? I realized later, once my guilt faded, that you can’t go through something as serious as marriage and having children together if you’re not entirely sure of what you’re doing or whether you love someone.”
“Did you love me when you offered to help me with Jessie?”
“As a friend, yeah,” he replied, trying to assure her in case she was getting insecure. “Plus, I’ve always loved kids, so I was happy to spend time around Jessie when she was a baby. I got to spend time with you too, so it was a bonus. We always just seemed to click, but as we both know, it’s taken such a long time to develop romantic feelings for each other. Even when Billie was born, I still felt like we were super close friends and I was just happy to be an unofficial part of your family.”
“Funny, I never saw you as unofficial.” Amanda smiled and shrugged. “I feel like I could trust any of my colleagues in a life-or-death situation, but if I had a choice, you’re the one I’d want by my side, even though you’re the ADA now.”
“Doesn’t matter to me. I’d still take a bullet for you if it ever came down to that.”
If that wasn’t a sign that she had found the one, then Sonny would never be the one for her, she decided.
“Well, on that note, maybe we should go to sleep?” Amanda suggested, laughing again. “Before we know it, it’ll be time for you to join me in my humdrum life as a parent. Oh wait, you’ve already been participating in that for the last five years. I guess it won’t be much of an adjustment.”
“Yeah, but now it’s really full-time. Get ready.”
“Then I don’t want to wait to sleep any longer.” Sonny gave her a kiss, and then they laid back down on their respective sides of the bed to get some rest.
Nothing else had ever felt so right.