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English
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Published:
2024-04-23
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716
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1/1
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11
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161

Royal Pain

Summary:

A drunk Denmark invites Australia (also drunk) over to his house to drink more, forgetting there’s a very good reason why he doesn’t have him over.

Extremely loose adaptation of a SATW comic with my own Freetown Christiania OC.

I do not consent to unauthorized reposting of my works on apps and other sites or profiting off them in general. If you find my fics on places other than AO3, they were not uploaded by me. Do not feed my fics into AI.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

“Whoa, easy there, mate,” Australia said as he caught Denmark before he fell onto the sidewalk, wrapping a thick, muscular arm around his torso and righting him.

Since Denmark was fairly drunk, it didn’t help for long though and after the Aussie released him, he went back to swaying, dangerously close to tipping over.

Not that Australia was in much better shape. They had both spent the past few hours at a bar down the street from Denmark’s house pounding down drinks and had only left when the bartender had refused to serve them anymore. Denmark had suggested walking back to his house to continue their drinking binge. Australia agreed and they both left, swaying from side to side down the sidewalk, vision somewhat blurry.

When they arrived at Denmark’s front door, he spent a minute or two digging for his house key. Then it took more than one try for him to insert it into the lock. Finally, he was able to turn it and unlock the door, the two drunken nations practically falling onto the back of the couch that was a few feet from the door.

“Ah, let me get that,” Australia said as he got up from on top of Denmark, turned around, and shut the door. The current weather was too chilly for his liking.

Suddenly he felt arms around his neck and turned around to see Denmark only a few centimeters from his face. “Not a bad idea,” he slurred as he sloppily started kissing the taller nation.

Australia kissed back as best he could in his current state of mind and a few seconds later he ended up back on top of Denmark with Denmark over the back of his couch. They continued to messily and noisily suck each other’s faces with Denmark’s arms around Australia’s neck and Australia’s arms bracing his weight on the couch’s back until something caught Australia’s attention at the edges of his somewhat blurred vision. He looked up straight ahead and saw a kid with hair messier and longer than Denmark’s he couldn’t remember seeing before standing on the steps leading upstairs across the living room looking down at them.

Or rather it seemed to Australia that the kid was glaring at them.

“Why ya stop?” Denmark asked, then turned his head to see what the Aussie was staring at. His eyes narrowed. Oh.

“I knew it!” the kid screamed. “I knew you were out with this gold-digging WHORE tonight! That’s why you didn’t tell me who you were going drinking with and forced me to go to bed early! You always do this when this royal pig visits! But you think you’re being sneaky and outsmarting me!”

“Dammit Christiania, go back to your room!” Denmark screamed back. “Can’t you see I’m tryna get laid?”

“How can I sleep knowing you’re fucking the king of all whores in the room next to me?!”

“Do something else! I don’t care what!”

“Maybe I’ll smoke! Or masturbate to that porno mag I swiped from your room! Using one of your socks!”

“Dammit not now! You’re ruinin’ the mood! An’ I’m too drunk to discipline you righ’ now!”

“Maybe I should go . . .” Australia awkwardly suggested, not knowing who this kid was and why they had such a problem with him. And it was kind of a boner killer, though he wouldn’t feel comfortable being in the house in general.

“Dammit look what ya did, Christiania! You’re scaring ‘im off! Now I’m not gettin’ any tonight!”

“Oh boo hoo, your dick didn’t get sucked by the royal slut! But you’ve been fucked in the ass by him every single day since at least 2004 but you’re too much of a slut to care!”

“That’s it!” Denmark pushed Australia off of him and made a beeline for the foul-mouthed kid as fast as his alcohol-delayed body would let him. “Where’s my belt?!”

“Probably at that other gold-digging whore’s house! He has you on a leash even worse than this one!”

“CHRISTIANIAAA!”

Australia didn’t see or know what happened next. He was already out the door sprinting as fast as he could back to his hotel room. At least now he knew why he had never been to Denmark’s house before despite one of his people marrying a Danish prince.

Notes:

Denmark's speech is prolly too coherent for how drunk he's supposed to be but oh well. Didn't wanna sacrifice comprehension for accuracy. Based loosely on the SATW comic Raising Children, specifically the part with Denmark and Christiania. A couple of lines of the latter’s dialogue is taken directly from there but the rest of the fic is original (though I think Humon is better than me at writing two characters arguing with each other. Hardest part of the fic for me to write). Although it’s not stated in the fic (because it’s from Australia’s POV), Christiana is a boy, just an androgynous looking one, both in this fic and SATW. They’re mostly the same personality-wise because I probably couldn’t make a more accurate representation than a Dane could (I only learned it even exists thanks to this comic). Why fix what’s not broken?

Freetown Christiania is a micronation in Denmark’s capital Copenhagen who you could say is a rebel. In particular, they don’t like the royal family which is what inspired this fic. The current queen of Denmark was born in Australia which is why he doesn’t like it when Denmark is with Australia. This idea came to me before Margrethe II abdicated, so Frederik and Mary were still prince and princess and I didn’t feel like updating it and trying to make the wording vague enough to work either before or after the abdication didn’t flow that well. They met each other in 2000 during the Summer Olympics in Sydney and got married on May 14, 2004 (and have four kids).

The other gold-digging whore is Netherlands because NedDen is real, Ned’s obviously obsessed with money, and Ned also has a royal family. (I assume the Christianians are against royalty in general.) And considering how ordered, organized, and clean Ned comes off as, I can’t imagine those traits would go over well with a personification whose form of "government" is anarchy, though they’re both associated with drugs. After I wrote this I found out Ned is technically Christiania’s father so that’s interesting. Might write a fic about that sometime. Later I might also write fics about the rest of the kids who appear in this comic (because ethnic and linguistic minorities like Kvens and Fenno-Swedes would definitely have personifications. Especially when you consider all the stupid shit Himaruya has confirmed as canon, it makes no sense that they wouldn’t exist. And the fact that the vast majority of the Hetalia fandom doesn’t seem to realize/understand this frustrates me to no end).

I also died a little inside after discovering that Drunk Denmark's not a tag but Drunk America and Drunk Prussia are despite 1. not being stereotypes associated with these countries 2. neither of them ever being portrayed as drunk and 3. being shown drinking a grand total of once each which is significant given all their screentime. Meanwhile Denmark barely gets any screentime and is clearly shown being fond of beer (downs a whole mug in like a second in his debut) plus being drunkards is a stereotype of RL Danes (SATW exemplifying this. They're also slutty and the fact that's not a tag either also makes me die a little).