Archive of Our Own

“He’s cute when he laughs”

“I hope he always smiles like that”

“I’m happy just by seeing hyung’s lovely expression”

He knew it for a while now, but he needed the confirmation directly from the other’s mouth.

-You like him, right?- Seungmin looked at Han with a puzzled expression.

They were sitting comfortably on the couch of the recording studio while working on a song Han prepared a while ago. When he decided he wanted Seungmin to bring that melody to life, they agreed for a night when they were free to hang out in the studio and do the job. Like a pajama party, but more productive.

Time arrived after the fanmeeting. And many things happened during it, like things Han couldn’t stop thinking about, for example.

Seungmin stopped writing and stared at Han with his mouth slightly open.

-Ah?- he barely whispered. Han shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. He lectured himself mentally.

But he really wanted to know!

He really… wanted to talk about it.

-Hyung. Minho hyung. You like him- he swallowed nervously. He didn’t pretend to sound menacingly at all, he just wanted Seungmin to trust him. To opens to him.

-Of course I like him. The way I like all of the kids- Han chuckled softly.

-C’mon…- but the other was tense, and Seungmin crossed glances with him in a more serious way.

-If you are honest with me, I’ll be honest too- Han pressed his lips nervously- You love him?- Han’s eyes widened exaggeratedly.

-L-love him?- he stuttered.

-Love him- he couldn’t reply immediately. Seungmin laughed cockily.

-Now we are in same condition. You don’t need to answer now, but I’ll not do it until you do it too-

-Love is… a very big concept, but above all, a very deep feeling, don’t you think?- Seungmin just stared, didn’t reply.

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His brain needed a moment before it started to melt from overthinking.

He started to suspect about Seungmin’s fondness for the older one since a while ago. And it was kinda obvious, expected, but not less surprising when realization hit him. The thought about one of them falling in love with another of them was a shock for sure, especially coming from Seungmin over all.

-You seem lost in thoughts- Changbin snapped him out of his mind- You okay?-

-Yeah, I was thinking about some lyrics I had in mind for a couple of days already. Sorry-

-Want some help with it?- Changbin took his place in front of the computer and Han took the chance to grab his coffee, moved to the side, wrapped in his big sized padded jacket and scarf.

-Nah, it’s okay…- he mumbled- Actually, I need help with something else- he said in a tone that caught Changbin’s attention.

-Did something happened?-

-Uhm… No? I guess. Not to me. But… Agh- he was spiraling already- You promised me you’ll not say this to anyone else?- he looked him dead serious in the eyes. Changbin nodded confusedly- Well, the thing is… Mm.. What would you think if you find out one of us… has an attraction for another of us?- he gestured exaggeratedly. Changbin stared at him with a blank expression.

-You and…?

-No! Not me-

-Hannie… it’s okay if you like hyung- he tried to sound the most condescendant he could.

-Hyung?-

-Minho hyung, right?- Han almost choked- Hey- he said palmed him softly on the back.

-W-what? Why do you think that? I was not-!-

-Han, I saw the way you look at him- he smiled amused.

-The fuck are you talking about?! I do not look at him in any way. I was… I was talking about Seungmin…- he seemed offended.

-Seungminnie?-

-And Lino hyung- Changbin’s brain clicked it.

-You think… Oh…- he thought about it for a moment utterly interested, but then…

Then suddenly he softened his gaze, and looked at Han with an expression he couldn’t decipher.

-I see… Why you suspect that?-

-Isn’t it kinda obvious? The way Seungminnie acts towards hyung, how soft and protective he’s with him… He cares about Lino so much, don’t you think? You can almost see how his heart melts when he looks at him- he giggled shyly thinking about that.

Changbin sighed.

-You think so? I mean, I understand what you say, and I think you have a point for sure. But…-

-But?-

-I…- he pressed his lips nervously and thought about it hard.

-Say it!- Han took him by the arm and shook him whimsically. Changbin shout comically.

-Okay but think about it carefully!- he pointed at the younger- Don’t you think you are the same towards hyung too?-

Han fell silent for a moment.

-That’s why I thought you were talking about yourself. I… I will never be mad or disappointed if something like that happens between any of us, replying to your question. And part of that is because… I assumed a long time ago… you and hyung were in love- he blushed, scratching his neck nervously.

-Why?- Han’s tone became tiny, almost a whisper.

-Because I see you two the way you see Seungmin acting towards him. Of course you don’t notice it but…-

But…

But that was because he always tried to put his own feelings aside.

That concern was the reason Han never gave himself the chance to think further about his feelings for Minho.

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That day was particularly cold outside, even snowing since early morning. They all were dressed cozy but stuffed for the dance practice. Tour was two months ahead so they took the first rehearsals lightly, like a routine to get in condition before the proper rehearsal for new performances.

When the clock hit midday, they all fell to the ground exhausted after Chan finished the first part of the practice.

-Let’s grab some food and take a break before continuing- he said leaning onto Felix's shoulders, going outside of the practice room with Changbin and Hyunjin, who were chatting and laughing animatedly.

Lino fell on his back right in front of the mirror looking at himself through it. He was trying to catch his breath, with his eyes fixed on the sight the mirror was giving to him, his mind wandering in whatever thought he was having. Han giggled softly at him when he realized Minho wasn't paying attention, but immediately his eyes fell on Seungmin through the mirror too.

The younger one was just staring at Minho with a warm expression.

-Hyung, you're spacing out-

-And?-

-Wanna grab some lunch with me?- Han looked at him surprised at the sudden boldness of the youngest.

-Huh? What you wanna ask me for, uh?-

-You think that bad of me? You hurt my feelings- he approached Minho and lended him his hand- I just want to share time with hyung, can I?- Minho faked disgust by making a funny expression. Seungmin laughed.

-What are you two going to do?- Minho asked Han and Jeongin, who were lying on the couch almost asleep.

-I have a singing lesson in an hour- he said sleepy.

-You have to eat before to go-

-I know…- he yawned- I'll grab some food on the way. I want to take a nap before to go-

-Hannie?- Han was startled a little. Seungmin fixed his eyes on him.

-Ah… I'll go catch the others, they are probably in the dorm already-

-Don't you wanna come with us?- Han looked at Seungmin briefly. Of course he caught it.

-You can come with us. I want to eat some jajangmyeon-

-Huh?! I have to eat what you want to eat? You have no manners- Seungmin laughed while taking the lead to leave the room. Minho chuckled- You sure don't want to go with us?- Han stood up lazily and shook his head.

-Don't think so-

-”Don't think so”?-

-I’ll be interfering, I don't want to be a third wheel- he smiled making fun of him. Minho's jaw dropped.

-What are you talking about?- he punched him on the arm funnily- Are you all making fun of me today?- Han laughed seeing Minho following Seungmin then.

A sigh escaped from his mouth when left alone there.

Jeongin was already asleep all curled up in himself, so after leaving a soft pat on the youngest butt, he left the room too.

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-Is there some leftovers or I have to order my food?- Chan and Changbin looked at him surprised.

-There’s food in the fridge, but we thought you were going to eat with Minho- Chan said taking the last bite from his bowl.

-No, Seungmin took my place- he said with no intention to sound bitter, but he realized the mixed feelings he was having sounded way more negative when expressing out loud.

-Where’s Jeonginnie?-

-He said he'll take a nap before going to his vocal lessons-

Chan washed his and Binnie’s plates before locking himself in his studio. But Changbin just stayed on the table, following Han's movements with his eyes while drinking some tea.

-What?- obviously Han noticed it.

-I don’t know, you tell me-

-I have nothing to tell you hyung-
-Then why are you so sulky right now?-

-I am not-

-It is because he stole your crush from you?- he said giggling mischievously.

-Hyuuung- he said, whining.

-Come here, I’ll make you company while you eat-

-No thanks, I don’t want it if you will be talking nonsense-

-Nonsense? That’s how you treat your feelings, Han-ah?- he raised an eyebrow. Han looked at him dead in the eyes.

It bothers him to have to listen to Changbin talking about his feelings as if he was an open book. Why did he decide to open up with him to begin with? He knows Changbin is too intuitive, too emotionally intelligent to grasp easily whatever change in the air around him he could perceive. Now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Changbin was still staring at him.

-That’s… That’s true- he mumbled with food stuffed on his cheeks. Changbin let him finish chewing before continuing the talk- But I’m not mad with Seungminnie at all, that’s not what I mean-

-So?-

-So… I guess I’m mad with myself-

-Aaahh-

-You know?- he pointed at him with the chopsticks- You are right, I’m a shit with myself. I’m mad at myself because now that you and Seungmin know about my feelings, it makes me feel like I lied to myself all this time thinking you all didn’t notice at all, that I was doing it okay- he said this with a harsh tone towards himself.

-He knows?-

-No he doesn't, but… He suspects it- he chewed his next bite with sadness.

-And what triggered you now? I mean, I’m sure you didn't discovered you like him yesterday and it’s not the first time they share time together. What happened?-

For some reason his eyes started to get watered while thinking about his answer.

-Is… Can I just finish this and we go take a walk? Please?-

-Of course-
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They were walking aimlessly for a while before Changbin suggested making a stop in a coffee shop they tend to frequent to have some treats.

-My treat-

-I have to take the chance then-

Han ordered a piece of blueberry cheesecake and Changbin a strawberry shortcake.

-What would you do if tomorrow you find out you’re in love with one of your teammates?-

-In love?- Changbin smiled shyly and awkwardly at the choice of words Han made. He didn’t expected it to be that deep.

-Yeah…- he whispered, his cheeks a bit red.

-Well, I understand it could be hard to accept you’re in love while being in the position we are in. Especially with a teammate. And hyung is not just any teammate… he's your best friend too…- Han nodded- That’s why I try not to be harsh on you and push you, because I don’t know what my train of thought would be in this situation. But…- he took a deep breath and exhaled- Because the other person involved in this is Minho hyung, I think you have the luck on your side. And if you decide to take the risk, I’m sure everything will be okay-

-What do you mean?-

-I’m not saying he’ll reciprocate your feelings. But I’m 99% sure he’ll not let your friendship fall apart because of this. He loves you, Han-ah, regardless of the type of love he may have for you-

-Is not like I need to say anything to him anyways- he played with the blueberries scattered on the dish with the spoon. Changbin nodded- But I had to admit… now I discovered Seungmin feels the same as me towards him, I feel kinda…-

-Jealous? Overconsious?-

-I don’t want him to see me as a rival, you know? We are mates, he’s my friend. They’re both my friends above all-

-Seungminnie? You really think that low on him? C’mon-

-Of course not! But… I’ve never been in this place before, probably he neither. No one knows how oneself will act in this type of situations- he sighed in frustration- I’m scared hyung-

-I know, I know it is a complicated position. But you know him, I know you, and I know both of you. I can bet no one of you will hurt the other over something like this. Because you two love each other too, right?-

Han nodded one last time, his eyes filled with some tears again.

When they returned to the dorms, they were surprised that they all were hanging out in 3retcha’s one. Felix and Minho were cooking something that smelled delicious while Hyunjin, Jeongin and Seungmin were playing games and Chan was trying to cuddle with the maknae to bother him.

-Hey, welcome back, we were waiting for you two to decide the menu for tonight but you took too long- Hyunjin said.

-Everything okay?- Chan asked, approaching them.

-Totally fine, we just went out to share a little quality time. Han needed advice and I had to be a good hyung. You two are not the only hyungs here-

-Hyung!- Han complained, punching him in the arm playfully. Changbin laughed comically at it and went to the couch directly to Hyunjin.

Han went to the kitchen with the others.

-It smells delicious- a smile appeared on his face before he could control it after seeing Minho and Felix wearing the cute aprons Chan bought for them. Felix smiled, Minho turned to look at him.

-Welcome back, honey- Han blushed a little. He thought and talked about him all day but he barely talked to him during the whole day. It was refreshing to hear his voice after a very long and mentally drained day- You were not here to decide the menu but I picked one side dish thinking about you and another one thinking about Changbinnie- that sounded so Minho it melted his heart.

-You’re the cutest- he said, approaching him to pinch his cheek carefully to bother him, making a funny face. Minho returned an annoyed expression.

-We are having a party? At the start of the week?-

-Not a party but a dinner to welcome a new beginning and luck for our next comeback and tour- Felix said. Han laughed, taking a seat on the bar behind them.

-And whose idea was this?-

-Hyunjinnie and I-

-Hyunjin? That’s new-

-He said he still feel not prepared enough to start again and needed some motivation, so I suggested it-

-Oh, I see…-

While they both were concentrating on the food, Han’s eyes wandered through the room until it stopped on the couch where the others were playing games. Now Chan and Seungmin were playing against each other, and the others were euphoric laughing and commenting about it. Seungmin couldn’t stop laughing at Chan’s suffering because he was losing, Changbin making fun of him too while Hyunjin and Jeongin couldn’t believe the imminent defeat.

Han laughed softly at Seungmin's playful laugh. Changbin was right after all.

Chan lost as expected, so he gave the joystick to Jeongin to play against the winner now, but suddenly Seungmin turned towards Han’s direction to look at him, still smiling.

-Wanna play? Come here, let’s have some matches-

-Let’s make two groups, the losers buys ice cream!- Changbin said, now getting into the competitive mood.

-But I wanna play too!- Felix shouted.

-I don’t wanna play, I suck at games, you know that- Han laughed awkwardly to them- Sorry guys-

-Wanna take Yongbokkie’s place and help me with this so he can play a bit?- Minho proposed. The other waited.

-Oh, wanna go?-

-You sure?-

-Of course, I can make some dumplings I guess-

-Of course you can- Minho assured him. Felix smiled.

-Thanks bro- Felix gave him his apron and patted his shoulder before going to join the rest on the couch.

Han joined Minho on the counter, filling the dumplings that still needed to be made.

-How was your day?- Minho asked casually.

-It was good, tiring but good-

-You didn’t take a nap? Did you had lunch?-
-Yeah, but then I go out with Changbin hyung and couldn’t sleep-

-That’s weird-

-That I didn’t take my nap?- he giggled.

-No. That you went outside with him- Minho said while sauteing some veggies- You rarely accept going outside with someone other than me, and that’s because I drag you almost- Han laughed softly.

-Well, you went to eat with Seungmin and he was the one who invited me, I didn’t have a reason to say no. And it was refreshing. It was good- he said firmly.

-Hum…- he hummed- I’m glad then, you seem better than this morning, you were too distracted for some reason- Minho whipped his hands- Let me help you with that-

They made the dumplings faster now Minho took the lead, and in barely half an hour, food was ready to be served.

-C’mon, let’s go eat!- Minho called him to the table like a mom would do with his sons. Han smiled warmly. When everyone took their seats and everything was ready, they cheered for a good new beginning before starting to eat.

-So good!-

-Wah!-

-I’m so happy. Thanks hyung-

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They called it a night after eating the ice cream Chan’s team bought, wrapping all over the couch and the floor in front of the TV, playing some last games in Mario Kart before the others had to return to the Cuties dorm. Jeongin was sleepy already, resting his head on Changbin’s shoulder. Minho seemed tired too.

-Hyung, c’mon, is late already and I can’t see your eyes anymore- Seungmin smiled tenderly- Jeonginnie is almost asleep too- Minho stretched lazily.

-Okay, let’s go to our dorm guys, we have practice tomorrow too- Changbin and Seungmin woke up the youngest carefully. Hyunjin yawned.

-I’m tired already too-

-You are not tired, Hannie?- Minho looked at him- You haven’t had a nap today, try not to sleep late okay?-
-Don’t worry- he smiled.

-Let’s go hyung-

-Okay, see you tomorrow- they all say to each other.

-Don’t sleep late! We have real practice tomorrow- Minho said strictly.

-Of course sir!- Hyunjin said.

They all waved goodbye.

Hyunjin yawned again.

-I’ll go take a bath and call it a day-

-Me too- Changbin said- Go hurry up or I’ll go to the bathroom first!-

Chan left all the dishes in the sink.

-I’ll do it tomorrow morning, I promise- he yawned too.

-You're tired already? That’s new-

-I barely slept last night, need to catch some sleep while I can- he giggled.

-Go to sleep hyung, I’ll do the dishes today-

Funnily, doing the dishes was a good excuse to wrap his mind around everything that happened in the day.

At some point he thought Changbin was right, he was being too harsh on himself and spiraling too much, a very common thing coming from him, but still… It was not fair.

It was not fair, but it is what it is. And he's afraid of everything that comes along with his feelings realization.

Even knowing how scary it could be that someone might find out your feelings, because his feelings towards Minho was not something he developed yesterday like Changbin said, he tried to push Seungmin to open himself to him about it. He pushed the topic on him aggressively, egotistically, just because… he was feeling jealous.

He took his time observing the way Seungmin treated Minho all this time, the way he always treated him in a special way within his peculiar relationship with him allowed him. How careful and thoughtful he was towards him from the beginning. And feeling his eyes getting watery for the umpteenth time today, he realized that Seungmin’s feelings were probably as lingering as his own.

It was too painful to love someone the way he loves Minho, and for that longer.

What if Seungmin feels the same way, to that same degree? He sobbed thinking about that possibility. He wanted to hug him tight and said to him everything will be okay. Maybe because that’s what he needs right now.

He couldn't stop thinking about Minho and how much he wanted to cuddle with him right now. And it's probably because of the nature of their relationship that Han can't think about himself not being in love with him for the next couple of years at least. He was so dependent on the older one. He didn't want to give up on him.
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-I love him-

-I know- Han sighed when Seungmin smiled proud of himself.

Again, they sat wrapped in a soft sheet on the couch of the recording studio trying to clean the last details of the song. But the tension between them was palpable from the beginning, and they couldn’t keep kicking the topic anymore.

-I know you love him, I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. You look at him the same way I do- he froze. That caught his breath and made his stomach twirl.

-I…- he was out of words. His hands trembling from anxiety- I can’t believe this…- he rested his face on his hands in frustration.

-You can’t?- Seungmin sounded more chill about the situation than Han could ever- Can’t say the same, I saw you the day you met him. I can bet you fell for him that same second you spotted him- he laughed, although not totally into it- I thought I was being too obvious tho… I’m starting to feel scare he could pinpoint it-

-I don’t think so… I mean, isn’t him a little to oblivious in general?- they both smiled- I realized it because… I was starting to feel jealous of how bold you were acting towards him lately…- he admitted with so much shame- But then I thought that maybe, just maybe, you were in the same position as me-

-You know me hyung. You always knew I had this soft spot for him. It surprised me it took you this long-

-This long?- they crossed gazes. Han’s jaw dropped. Seungmin laughed again and both fell silent for a moment.

Why was it so painful to have this conversation even when they were not fighting or arguing?

It felt like something shattered between them.

-Since when? I’m curious-

-During the survival show, when we thought we’ll never see him again- Han smiled softly at remembering how much Seungmin cried that night.

-You were so happy when he returned now that I think about it. So embarrassing- he tried to mock him to give a twist to the conversation.

-C’mon, you were the first one to hug him when he was eliminated and the first one to hug him when they say we all debuted- both laughed softly.

And if they started to point out every moment they saw the other fall in love further, they would realize it was always there. I was always obvious.

-Can’t blame you tho- Seungmin said more firmly- I mean, you like the same person I like, I can’t get mad at you for acknowledging how pretty, cute and awesome Minho hyung is- Han couldn’t believe his ears- And don’t you dare to tell him I said all of that about him. You’re warned- Han laughed hard- But, for real, I’m not mad… Actually… I’m glad, because I’m 100% sure hyung’s loves you too-

-What?-

What?

His mind started spiraling.

-I accepted it a while ago. That’s why I’m not mad. I can’t control what I feel, even less can I control what Minho’s hyung feels, and I’m very sure he feels the same for you, Hannie-

Han’s lips trembled, he needed to breathe properly.

-When I finally accepted that I will not have a chance with him, I settled my mind on the goal to start moving forward. He will always be my friend, hyung and teammate anyway, and I cherish his company above anything else. Regardless of the nature of our relationship. I want him to be happy, hyung. And if you can make him happy, I don’t want to be an impediment on the way-

Han started to sob out loud. Big tears rolled through his cheeks even as he tried to stop them all with the sleeves of his hoodie. He breathed deep to fill his lungs, almost hyperventilating.

-Don’t say that! I’m your hyung here, why are you trying to act all composed and cool when I know how you feel? I know this hurts. I know how much you love him. I know how it feels to have him there all the time but not at all at the same time!- he raised his voice a little, sounding as hurt as if he was the one taking that decision- You don’t need to fake Seungminnie- he sniffled- I don’t want to do this to you, you’re important to me too-

-I’m not- I’m not faking hyung… I promise…- he said before starting to cry too. In silence, he whipped his face as much as he could, but like Han, tears didn’t stop falling- I’m being honest, and I promise you it is something I thought about many times this last week before saying it to you. That’s how much I love him, and how much I trust you- he laughed between sobs. Han was still gasping.

-You piece of shit… Come here- they approached each other on the sofa and snuzzled together. Han tried to whip Seungmin’s tears but he dodged it.

-Disgusting, is already dirty with yours- Han giggled.

They both calmed down a little after some minutes of silence. Han’s head hurted because of all the effort he makes to cry. Seungmin’s eyes were puffy and red.

-Can’t believe we are crying because of some man-

-Is not “some man”, it is because of Minho hyung. I know I antagonize him on a daily basis but… He’s one of the coolest people I know and I respect him so much. That’s why… I want to make him happy as much as I can- Han nodded.

-You’re surprisingly cringy about him-

-And you not? You literally write songs for him- Han blushed harder than ever.

-W-what?!-

-You’re too obvious hyung-

-Tsk. Shut up-