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In a way, Jisung knew that he was kind of boy number three in Jeno's eyes.
He wasn't ever gonna compare to Jaemin-hyung, and Jisung decided he was perfectly fine with that. Jaemin was Lee Jeno's whole world, and the rest of them were almost freebies in comparison. The world spun around Jaemin, and it would probably burn around him too.
Jisung didn't mind that either.
What he did mind was the resentment that bubbled up in him every time Jeno-hyung grabbed him a little too quickly.
Maybe resentment wasn't quite the right word. Jealousy? Envy? Grief? Whatever it was, it was never far from him. Jisung could turn and if Jeno was there, hands on his wrist, his waist, Jisung would feel it pound in his flush red ears, banging on his ribcage to be let out. It was a growing pet of sorts, one that only bounced out to show its tail when Jeno was near. Jisung would cry to Chenle about it, but the first time he did, Chenle laughed and called him oblivious.
Jisung was pretty oblivious. But he honestly didn't know what signs he was exactly missing. What did any of anything mean anymore, anyway?
"Have you tried asking Jeno?" Donghyuck supplied, draping his entire body off Renjun like a boa constrictor. Jisung had asked if he and Renjun could hang out and talk about something after their schedule for the day, and Donghyuck had overheard.
Jisung blew his bangs out of his face, "Sure, hyung. That sounds really smart." Donghyuck shrugged at length and moved to lay his head on Renjun's lap.
Renjun had better questions, "Why does Jeno touching you bother you so much, Jisung? Is it too much touching?"
"Well... no, it's perfectly fine?" Jisung said slowly. "At least I think it should be fine. But I kind of want to cry every time he does touch me, but not because the touching is bad... you know?" Jisung gripped the thick fabric of his blanket and tried not to make eye contact with Donghyuck, who was now staring at him the same way Renjun was. He felt like a freak.
"What would make you feel better?" Donghyuck asked. "About the touching and Jeno and stuff."
Jisung drew his legs up to his chest, "I don't know." It felt like his chest had been hollowed out and his flesh had been replaced with concrete instead, foreign and heavy. None of this complicated swirl of emotion coincided with anything he'd ever felt before. Not letting Jeno do as he pleased didn't feel like the right option, but Jisung knew he'd feel miserable if this continued on. He wanted to wallow in this shallow pool, maybe drown in it if he was lucky. No explanation he came up with for himself made any sense, and no pep talks he repeated to himself settled the heartbeat in his chest. Jisung felt like he would break before he figured out how he felt.
"... Can I ask something?" Renjun said. "Jisung-ah, have you noticed anything different... with Jeno?"
"Sudden or subtle?" Jisung asked back immediately. "Because suddenly, I don't think Jeno hyung changes that fast. But subtly... I think he's almost like Jaemin-hyung now sometimes."
"Really?" Donghyuck asked, but there was no bite to it. "Explain."
Jisung scratched his head. "Well, I mean, Jaemin-hyung's a little possessive, don't you think? I don't mind cuz it's just Jaemin-hyung, but it's hard to get used to Jeno-hyung's brand of it when I watch him interact with hyungs..."
"Just with hyungs?"
"Uh, yeah?" Jisung said. "Why?"
"Nothing," Renjun dismissed lightly. "This seems like it bothers you a lot, Jisung. Why don't you talk to Jeno and tell him you'd like him to lay off the touching for a bit? Just watch how he reacts."
Jisung furrowed his brows, "Sure?" he said, all of his uncertainly on display. Donghyuck grinned at him,
"Just trust Renjunnie, Jisungie."
Jisung looked at Donghyuck. Whatever Renjun advised would be a thousand times better than Donghyuck's ideas, right?
Renjun's idea was great in theory, but Jisung spent two weeks buliding up the courage to bring it up to Jeno. When he finally mustered it, they were the last ones in the dance studio at night and the rest of members had already gone off to do literally anything else.
The two of them was sitting in the middle of the dimmed studio room, the speaker turned off and nothing more than the sound of two sets of lungs trying to catch their breaths. Jisung looked at Jeno's almost sleepy form and thought it was probably a bad time to say it. What if Jeno forgot after his head hit the pillow?
It was too bad. The words were already half way out of his mouth.
"Hyung," Jisung started before he could stop himself. "Just for a bit, could you lay off on the skinship for a little?"
The sentence stung a little bit. He'd said it in multiple forms over time to Jaemin too, overwhelmed by the loud show of affection that he didn't know what to do with. He'd had years, but he'd also had years away too.
Jeno looked at him. Jisung was startled to see something dark swim in his gaze.
"I mean, sure," Jeno said, sitting up properly. "Did I touch you somewhere you don't like to be...?"
Jisung shook his head immediately, "No, it's not that..."
"Then why?" Jeno asked, cocking his head to the side. He got closer. Jisung placed his hands on the floor and made mental preparations to scoot out and away. There was the uncomfortable feeling in his chest again, weighing down his body. Tears pushed forth into his eyes and whatever tension Jeno's body held all dropped away.
"Don't cry," Jeno whispered, tender, as he grabbed Jisung, pulling him close. Jisung only started crying harder. "Tell me so I can make it up to you, Jisung-ah."
"I don't know," Jisung admitted through the tears. "It just feels bad, hyung." He wrapped his arms around Jeno's torso, burrowing his face into Jeno's shoulder. Jisung felt Jeno lay them both into onto the floor, pulling him in tighter.
"Baby," Jeno murmured. Jisung shook his head.
"Don't, hyung," Jisung whispered. "It hurts."
"What hurts?" Jeno asked. "You don't like pet names?"
It wasn't that. All of the members used some sort of pet name on him. Jisung had never minded, until recently, and only with Jeno.
Jisung said softly, "I like them fine."
He heard Jeno laugh, the sound carrying a sense of aggrievance, "Then what, Jisung-ah? Why Jaemin and not me?"
What?
Jisung pulled away, shocked enough to sit up. Jeno still lay on the floor, looking a bit dazed.
"Hyung," he said. "What do you mean by that? Jaemin-hyung and not you?"
Jeno sat up, pushing Jisung back down on the ground. Jisung stared up at Jeno's face his hands boxing him in, "Exactly what I said. Sung-ah. Why can Jaemin touch you, call you pet names, but you cry if I do it?"
Jisung's mind was spinning. Jisung's worlds were spinning. He managed a weak little, "But you don't like me like that."
"How would you know, Jisungie?" Jeno asked, a helpless smile crawling up his face. Something seemed to connect for him, "So all of that, and you just jealous because you thought I was just fucking with you?" Jisung had just come to the same conclusion too. His face flushed red with embarrassment, lips pursed, and refused to say anything.
But Jeno didn't need him to say anything. He leaned closer, kissing Jisung with a fervency that burned him, "Baby," Jeno whispered. Jisung made a small noise of acknowledgment, and Jeno kissed him again.
"You're so cute," Jeno mumbled. "Jisungie, you should look at me more."
"I'm always looking," Jisung admitted. He told the truth. Jisung had never taken his eyes off Jeno. He'd watched him shine, aching for some of his warmth.
[ "I knew it," Donghyuck crowed a few minutes after when he opened the studio doors. Jaemin's head peeked out behind him, also grinning. Jeno ignored them both. ]