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“Magnus?” A small voice said, just loud enough to pull him from his head as he turned his attention to the little girl who was standing next to him. He tried to force a smile to his face but he knew that he had failed. He hadn’t smiled once since…
No, he couldn’t think about that.
“What’s wrong, Sweet Pea?” He asked, trying to remind himself that this wasn’t her fault and that he shouldn’t be taking the pain and suffering that he was feeling out on her.
A little hand grabbed his and gave it a squeeze. “You don’t sparkle anymore. Why don’t you sparkle?”
A sob escaped his lips before he could stop it and he felt the tears start streaming down his face. Madzie, with the innocence only a child could manage, climbed into his lap while he was still too numb to move and wiped the tears from his cheeks with tiny hands. “Don’t be sad. It’s Christmas tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry, Sweet Pea. I know I don’t sparkle anymore but it’s hard to be happy when I’m so sad. I miss your Uncle Alec. I wish he could have been here with us.” Magnus whispered in between sobs.
Madzie looked confused at Magnus’ words. “But he’s coming back. He told me so!” She exclaimed, loud enough that Catarina walked over and ushered the little girl out of the room claiming that it was bedtime and that Santa couldn’t come if she wasn’t in bed.
When Catarina returned, Magnus hadn’t moved. “Come, you. Let’s step outside where she can’t hear us. I think it’s time that you and I had a talk.” Magnus didn’t want to move but he let his friend pull him off the chair and guide him out onto the patio. He could almost see a vision of Alec leaning over the railing, keeping a watchful eye on the city below. Magnus couldn’t help but join him — wanting to be close to his husband even if it was only in his mind. “Talk to me,” she said as she joined him, watching as the first hint of snowflakes began to fall over Brooklyn.
“There’s nothing to say,” he replied softly. “I thought…I knew Shadowhunters didn’t live long lives. They’re mortal and the chance of them being injured in battle is high. Isabelle told me the statistics once…I just thought we’d have more time. We had all these plans, Cat. I was going to take him to the Alps for our first anniversary. We were going to give it a few years…but we started talking about maybe adopting children. And now…now…” His voice broke off as he began to sob. Catarina’s presence next to him, and the arm that she wrapped around his shoulders was the only thing keeping him from losing it completely.
“You’ve lost people before, Magnus. You’ve survived those losses…you can get through this one too.”
“No,” he replied when he was finally able to calm himself down a little. “This one is different. Alec was different. There won’t be another after him. There…won’t be a me now that he’s gone. He was my soulmate, Cat.”
The snowfall was starting to get heavier now and Catarina snapped her fingers, magically shielding the balcony from the worst of it. “Magnus…I get that you’re hurting and I understand that you need time to mourn but you can’t keep going on like this. What would Alec say if he were here right now and saw you in this state?”
If Alec had been here right now then he wouldn’t be in this situation, Magnus wanted to argue even though he knew Catarina wouldn’t accept that as an answer. He’d be happy and the two of them would be laughing and cuddling and trying their best to keep their hands off each other in the company of their family and friends. There would be no reason for the heartbreak that Magnus was feeling in every single piece of his soul.
“Magnus,” Cat said, squeezing his arm to grab his attention before he could sink even further into his mind.
He knew what his friend was looking for but it was too hard for him to say. He pushed away the tears forming in his eyes and took a deep breath. “Alec wouldn’t want to see me like this. He’d want me to try to move on in some way. He wouldn’t want to see me waste away.”
“No, he wouldn’t,” Catarina agreed. “He would want to see you keep working toward the goal that you two had to see a united Shadow World. He wouldn’t want to see you give up everything you believed in just because he couldn’t be by your side.”
“I know,” Magnus whispered, unable to look his best friend in the eyes. “I know he wouldn’t. But I don’t know how to go on without him here with me. I was…I was supposed to have more time with him. Not forever. Just…just more.”
“You can’t bring him back, Magnus. No one can but you can honor his memory. There are still people here who need you. I need my oldest friend. Madzie needs her uncle. Alec’s siblings still need their brother-in-law. Be there for them, look after the people that Alec left in this world when he passed, and continue to take care of the Downworld like you always have. That is what Alec would want for you. He would want you to continue to live your life.”
“I don’t know how to start,” Magnus admitted. “I can’t just pretend like nothing ever happened but I don’t know how to take the first step.”
“Get yourself dressed and presentable, open a portal to the Institute, and be there for Alec’s siblings who are spending their first Christmas Eve without their big brother. Take care of them the way that he would have. Alec may be gone but his family isn’t. Celebrate his memory together.”
The very thought of stepping into the Institute knowing that Alec wouldn’t be there to greet him broke his heart but Magnus was old enough and wise enough to know that Catarina had a point. He’d been so lost in his own grief that he’d thought nothing of Alec’s siblings. Magnus hadn’t just lost his husband, they’d lost their older brother. They were his family now too and they needed to stick together and help each other through this difficult time. “Okay,” he said, pushing himself to his feet and heading inside before his brain convinced him to change his mind. “You’re right…I should be with them tonight. Alec would want me to be there when he couldn’t.”
A sad smile spread across Catarina’s face as she shooed him toward his living room. “Here, let me see you.” He held out his arms and let her study him for a moment. After a few seconds, she snapped her fingers and Magnus found himself dressed in clothes he was certain didn’t come from his closet — something soft and comfortable and all black with just enough flair to make it look like something Magnus would have picked for himself. It was simple and reminded him of the pieces he’d added to Alec’s wardrobe to try to make his husband’s black-on-black outfit pop.
She fixed his collar and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “You look good…I know you’re hurting but having a purpose… I think you needed that.” She twisted her hand and opened a portal. “Take care of yourself. Take care of the Lightwoods. I’m only a fire message away if you need anything.”
From the outside, the building looked no different. If he closed his eyes he could practically imagine that he’d find Alec inside, crouched over his desk, working through a stack of paperwork. He tried not to let his mind linger on the barest hint that this horrible situation had merely been a dream. For a brief second, he wondered if this had been a mistake, intruding on Jace and Isabelle when they were heartbroken but the door swung open before he could talk him out of going back home, revealing Alec’s Head of Security. “Magnus, it’s good to see you. We didn’t expect you here tonight but I’m sure Jace and Isabelle will appreciate the company and you look like you’re dressed for it. Izzy said their yearly tradition didn’t quite feel right with only the two of them.”
“If they have something planned, I can go. I don’t want to intrude...this was a mistake, I should be here,” he stammered, raising his hand to open a portal home before anyone else saw him.
Andrew grabbed his wrist to stop him. “No, it’s good that you’re here. I think they need you tonight…and I think that you need them. Come on,” he said, tugging Magnus toward the door. “Even without Alec here, you’re still family and Alec would have wanted his family together, especially on a night like tonight. And who better to make a little magic than a warlock.”
He followed Underwood through the halls, trying his best not to glance around every corner hoping to see a ghost. “Did Alec ever tell you about the Lightwood Christmas Tradition?”
Magnus shook his head as he led them through the Operations Room, past Alec’s office. His heart broke further at the sight of the closed oak door and he glanced away before tears started to form in his eyes. “He never mentioned anything. I’m surprised Shadowhunters even celebrate Christmas.”
“Most don’t,” Andrew replied with a chuckle. “And I wouldn’t call how the Lightwoods spend it celebrating, not really. But you know how Alec was… always had a heart of gold even when it involved strangers. I think you’ll like what you see.” They reached the Weapons Room and the Head of Security gestured for him to step inside. “You kids have fun. I’ll take care of everything here.” With that, he left Magnus and the Lightwood children alone in the room.
This wasn’t the first time Magnus had seen Jace and Isabelle since Alec’s tragic passing but he could count on one hand the number of times they met up. The Lightwoods looked tired — Jace was paler than normal, with bags under his eyes and an air about him that just radiated pure exhaustion. Isabelle looked better but Magnus was no stranger to covering up sadness under layers of makeup and a killer wardrobe. She gave him a tired smile, though the expression didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Magnus, It’s good to see you,” she said softly, pulling him into a hug and burying her face in his shoulder. “I didn’t think Alec had told you about his Christmas miracles.”
“He didn’t. Catarina and Madzie were over and Catarina all but tossed me through a portal over here. She said I needed to spend the evening with my family and even if Alec wasn’t here, that you and Jace were. I’m sorry I’ve been horrible. I didn’t mean to ignore or abandon the two of you… I just, I miss him and being here knowing that he’s not…”
“We get it,” Isabelle said, her voice breaking. “We don’t blame you. We all grieve in different ways. Jace… he beats himself to a pulp and lets the physical pain replace his emotional pain. Catarina said you hide away to protect yourself.”
“And you?”
“I try to be better. The world needed Alec. He’s not here and the world still needs him… I’m nowhere near the person he was but for him? I can’t try my damndest.”
She released him from the hug and turned her attention back to the mountain of weapons and what appeared to be children's toys scattered across the table. “So,” Magnus asked, trying to blink away the tears forming in his eyes lest he ruin his makeup far worse than it already was. “Tell me what it is that we’re about to do tonight.”
Jace huffed softly, it was the first sound that he’d made since Magnus had joined them in the room. “Making magic is what Alec used to say. Course, it’s not just leaving presents for kids. We hunt demons too…make sure everything is quiet as a mouse as that story Alec read us when we were little said.”
Magnus picked up a plush doll wearing a bright pink dress and stroked her yellow braids. “You deliver toys to children? Where do you even get them?”
A genuine smile spread across Isabelle’s face. “The Clave pays well but since we all live at the Institute and we have no expenses, we don’t really get a chance to spend it. Jace and I buy clothes from time to time but…you know Alec. He’d wear the same threadbare sweater until it literally disintegrated into shreds in his hands. It was his idea…our line of work takes us all over the city. Sometimes we see things because the Mundanes don’t realize that they’re being watched…we find these kids in tough situations and we make a note. We keep an eye on them, try to make some little miracles happen throughout the year but for Christmas, we try to give them a magical day that they’ll never forget.”
He felt his eyes water as she explained, and he wished that his husband had shared this part of his life before his untimely death. He would have loved to play Santa Claus for the children of New York. He could have used his magic in a dozen different ways to help the Lightwoods make Christmas truly something special. He flicked his wrist toward the table, instantly doubling the number of toys on the table. Jace froze in his tracks, blinking in confusion at the sudden mountain of toys. “Did you pay for those? And how the hell are we supposed to carry all of this? There’s no way our bags are big enough.”
Magnus rolled his eyes. “Yes, Jace, I did in fact transfer money to the toy company I summoned these from. Your brother had me trained well…and as for carrying things, you have a warlock with you this year. We can keep everything in magical storage and just summon what we need when we get there…with a little extra flair, of course,” he said with a wink. “Warlock, remember. We don’t do anything by halves.”
Jace sheathed his seraph blade and crossed the room in two long strides, pulling Magnus into a near rib-breaking hug. “I know I don’t show it well because…you know who raised me and feelings weren’t really something that he wanted me to have but…Magnus, I’m glad you’re my brother-in-law. You brought Alec out of his shell and showed him how to live. I will never forgive myself for not seeing how badly he was hurting, how miserable he was…when you two got together, he felt different. He felt lighter and free and happy. You turned his world around, Magnus, and I will be forever grateful. I’m proud to call you part of my family and having you here tonight means the world to me. Alec loved you and we do too. Thank you for being you.”
Magnus, once again, felt tears forming in his eyes and he knew that if he didn’t start moving and giving himself something to do, he’d be far too much of a mess to help the Lightwoods with their quest. He dabbed away the wetness with his sleeve and forced what he hoped was a semblance of a smile to his face. “Alexander changed me too. I had closed my heart off to the possibility of love but meeting him…it reminded me there was hope and that having something special, even for a short amount of time, was better than not having it all. I loved Alexander in a way I’ll never love another. He was my soulmate and I will continue to love him for the rest of my days.”
Both Jace and Isabelle moved at the same time, pulling him into a tight hug. The three of them stood there quietly, Magnus’ magic bubbling away happily under his skin at the contact. Almost without thinking, he started to spin up layer over layer of protection spells, almost identical to the ones he had cast over Alec. He twisted them though, adding the full force of his love for the Lightwoods and the love their older brother had had for them, making them stronger than any protection spell he’d ever cast before. He felt them tense briefly at the sudden unexpected magic but neither complained. It was Jace who pulled away first, grabbing a few more knives from the table and hiding them on his body. “We going to stand around all night being sappy or are we going to go take care of what Alec started?”
“Right,” Magnus said, trying to hide a sniffle and snapping his fingers to fix both his and Isabelle’s now ruined makeup. Another wave of his hand stored the toys safely in a pocket dimension. He held up his hand to spin open a portal. “I trust you two to lead the way. Where to first? I can portal us over there.”
“No portal needed,” Isabelle replied as she led them to the door. “We’re doing this the old-fashioned way. Gotta make sure the streets are safe while Santa delivers his gifts, after all. But to start…there’s a little girl in the Bronx who I think could definitely use a dash of Christmas cheer.”