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Chapter Text

Summer 2016 (Today)

Childhood and adolescence may be the dearest and most cherished things Sirius holds deep in his heart. He didn't grow up in a loving and nurturing home, but there were still his friends and an entire village, seemingly having an endless supply of love, so he never felt unloved.

Yesterday, he found a box under his bed containing a blue, worn leather picture book (a birthday gift from Lily for his 17th birthday), and he had to sit down while flipping through it with a gentle feeling of nostalgia.

One picture showed the sleepy, picturesque village of Godric's Hollow: it’s all cobblestone paths and pretty cottages covered in snow. They went ice skating on the frozen lake that day, while the early afternoon sun cast its golden light over the frozen water. As he looked at the picture, a familiar feeling shot through his veins: a feeling of recurring memories, almost that of longing, that of bittersweet acknowledgment that this is the past and the only thing he can do now is reminisce about those happy and carefree days.

Sometimes, when he sits at the table on Christmas Eve, he tells other guests about Christmas from childhood. He tells them about the gatherings on the day before Christmas with all the delicious food Mr. Meadowes had prepared, the many lights adorning every house, or the day James got drunk from accidentally drinking his father's wine.

The children at the table tell him he's gotten old, that everything back then was old-fashioned and nowadays everything is better. He laughs and jokes along with them about his age (he's only 42), but on the other hand, he suspects they can't really understand how it felt back then; that warmth, that contentment that came from having all families and loved ones together. From stories alone, they can't grasp why memories mean so much to him. At this young age, children don't yet understand that memories become a part of you, or that certain smells and sounds can suddenly catapult you into another time.

But even though they don't find the stories as captivating as he does, he will never stop talking about it. He will never stop being nostalgic and a little sad that childhood is over. He will always remember those glorious and wonderful days full of mischief and adventures, for as long as he can.

On this Saturday morning, he wakes up earlier than usual, his alarm clock showing a quarter to nine. He goes to the kitchen and makes himself a cup of tea. Afterwards he climbs the stairs and enters his study. He sits down at the desk where he left the picture book last night and opens it.

On the double page, three pictures are glued side by side, showing the lush green leaves of the trees in the forest. And the sky is of such radiant blue, as it only ever seems to you as a kid.

In the middle picture, two boys are seen from behind; they wear shorts and T-shirts, and their skin is tanned from the summer sun. They walk closely together, their posture is familiar and affectionate, as if they are engaged in an intense conversation. Around them, the branches hang from the sides, the knee-high grass snakes beneath them.

The caption announces the date: Summer '91 - You and Remus are once again in a completely different world.

Sirius can't help but smile. He remembers this summer. And the summer before that and the summer before that. And also every summer that would follow. 

One summer, in particular, has stayed in his memory. It was the hottest in years, the news was full of new records, and everyone complained about the relentless heat. Throughout the whole holidays, he stayed with his friends down by the lake or on the Potter's rowboat, or went on explorations through the forest, with packed backpacks full of provisions and water bottles. In the evenings, they came home exhausted but happy, telling the adults about the things they had experienced.

They were fifteen, and it was the summer when Sirius began to grow his hair out in an act of protest, when James Potter was head over heels in love with Lily Evans, when Peter Pettigrew stood up to his big brother for the first time, and when Remus Lupin sacrificed all his precious free time to work at the Lovegoods' farm.

It was the year with the first signs of the events to come, the first big arguments, the first awkward declarations of love, the first recognitions that something was changing in their immature minds. At least that's how it was for Sirius. But back then he couldn't yet name these unconscious perceptions.

Or didn't want to.

Chapter Text

The moon and stars hang out

         in bars just talkin‘

I still love that picture 

of us walkin‘

    just like that old house 

we thought was haunted

  summer’s end came faster

    than we wanted

Godric's Hollow, Summer 1990

The sun was shining on the kitchen table and Sirius watched, sitting on a chair with his head resting on his hand, as the micro-tiny specks of dust danced through the air in a narrow sunbeam, slanting from the window to the floor. Like a galaxy created by light. He raised his other hand and made a wave-like motion, as if dancing with the dust particles; he turned it upwards, then downwards, his eyes fixed on the galaxy.

It was July, and hot, quite hot indeed; the radio had just reported that this was the hottest summer in a decade. Sirius could feel the sweat trickling down his forehead.

Countless flies gathered on the kitchen window, buzzing annoyingly loud with their wings. Sirius had long since stopped trying to catch them and release them outside into freedom.

The man on the radio was jokingly bantering with the host, announcing, "You're absolutely right, Janet, this is a summer made for lounging, as nothing else would be feasible at these outrageous temperatures!"

Sirius perked up at that and looked incredulously at the yellow kitchen radio on the windowsill. Lounging in the shade? That was something for lazy adults or depressed shut-ins, but certainly not for him. He had plans. Great plans even, and he had no intention of abandoning them because of the hot weather. For this afternoon, for example, he had planned to hike to the lake in the woods with James, Peter, and Remus, and have a legendary water fight there. They certainly deserved it after this stressful week in school. The teachers were always terribly annoying, but just before the start of the holidays, they became unbearable.

Impatiently, he glanced at the clock above the door. Almost four. James should be back any moment. Sirius had tasked him with informing the other two boys about the details of his plan, while he stayed in the Potter's kitchen, waiting. He wasn't supposed to just sit there the whole time, being useless and staring into space, though. No, he had been given the important job of convincing Effie and Monty, in case they came home earlier, that all four of them could take the tent and camp down by the lake. Both Sirius and James knew that Sirius was better at convincing James's parents of something. According to James, that was because his parents were much stricter with him and would do anything for Sirius. Sirius, on the other hand, liked to attribute his successes to his unbeatable charm. He could truly be convincing.

He sighed and grabbed a chocolate biscuit from the flower-painted bowl. Another impatient glance at the clock - Effie and Monty could also come home any moment now - and then he finally heard the familiar creak of the front door.

James entered the kitchen. His dark hair was tousled and sticking out in all directions, his forehead glistening. He wiped his face with the hem of his T-shirt, causing his round glasses to wobble dangerously on his nose. As impetuous as he could sometimes be, he rushed to the sink and drank directly from the tap. He had to crane his neck, making his hair tips wet, but he didn't seem to mind. When he was done, he let out a long, satisfied sigh.

"It's. So. Damn. Hot out there."

"Don't tell me you walked all the way from Pete's here!", Sirius said, wondering once again about James Potter's athletic talent. The Pettigrews' house was quite a bit further down the street from here. Climbing the hill in this heat could truly be a curse.

"Actually," James replied, slightly out of breath, "I was at Pete's first and then at Remus's. I couldn't find him so I had to search the whole village. That's why I'm as sweaty as my Granny after she's done a squat."

"He wasn’t home?”

"He started helping out at the Lovegoods' farm a bit earlier this week, remember?"

Sirius apparently had it written on his face that he had, in fact, not thought about it. In his defence: Remus's several jobs were hard to keep track of. Every week he had a new one, and he never gave up the old one unless it overlapped with the new job. This resulted in him overworking himself, having too little free time, and terrible back pains, though he would never admit it. His pride stood in his way, probably.

"Oh, never mind then," James waved it off and sat down on the chair opposite him. "Anyway, I found him at Lovegoods'. He was carrying some water canisters. Said they're for the cows in the pasture up on the hillside. I just looked at him and told him he couldn't possibly carry them all by himself. You know him, our dear friend, he always wants to do everything alone, so we won't find out what troubles him."

James gave him a meaningful look, and Sirius couldn't help but smile. That sounded like Remus.

"And then you went on to carry those canisters with him to the pasture?"

James nodded. "Of course. What kind of terrible friend would I be if I didn't? I know you would've come up with some excuse to not have to help, you lazy bum!"

Sirius gave him a kick on the shin. James hissed and grimaced in pain. "Tosser."

"Get to the end of your story. Can we count on Moony or not?"

"He said he'd come later."

"Which means there's a fifty percent chance he won't show up," Sirius remarked somewhat unhappily. He leaned back against the chair, thinking. Remus simply had to come. Without him, the Marauders wouldn't be complete. Besides, Sirius had planned this trip mainly because he could see how stressed and tired the additional jobs made Remus at school. He needed a refreshment in the water. Sirius was afraid of what would happen if Remus really did overwork himself over summer. If he didn't have time for him and the others. What would the soon-to-be summer holidays look like then? Even though they would have fun, without Remus, a part of the group was missing, and Sirius was sure he would notice his absence with every single second.

"Well," said James optimistically, noticing Sirius's deteriorating mood, "a fifty percent chance he won't come also means a fifty percent chance he will."

But even that didn't fully satisfy Sirius. For a while, he stared at the bowl of biscuits, then he bluntly said what had been on his mind for a while. Now seemed to be the perfect time to talk to James about it.

"Have you noticed anything different about him?" he asked, and when James stared at him in confusion, he tried hard to explain what he meant. "I mean, he's been busy with his jobs for months now, he never has spare time. We only see him at school, and even there, he's mainly focused on school stuff. He... I dounno. He's not as present in the same way as before, don't you think?"

James scratched his head. His hair was still uncombed and tousled, and the hair tips were damp. "You know his family doesn't have much money right now. You know, the thing with his dad and all that... We can't understand that 'couse we've never had to worry about… money."

It was typical of James to not really understand the core of what Sirius actually meant. Of course, Sirius knew that Remus had to work because his family didn't have much money, and he wasn't angry about it. What he meant was that Remus had become more serious because of it and that he missed the old Remus from a year ago, it was as simple as that.

"Look," James began cautiously, because Sirius didn't answer. "Moony's just gotten a little older. More mature. You will get there, too. One day in the far, distant future, at least."

He had said the last sentence jokingly to lift Sirius's mood, but it still bothered him that he hadn't really thought about this reason until now. Remus had become a bit more grown-up? Was that all? But hadn't they all become a little more grown-up in the last few months? After all, he had celebrated his 15th birthday last November; he was the oldest of them. But apparently not mature enough.

To not let his thoughts show, he grinned widely. "Oh, shut up," he said. "Smart people know that life is better when you're just having fun. If being an adult is associated with so little free time, then I'd prefer not to grow up at all!"

"You don't have to tell me,” James laughed, standing up briskly. "But maybe it wouldn't hurt to remind our dear Moony of that from time to time. By the way, Pete's in. We'll pick him up on the way."

"At least there's one we can rely on," Sirius said, following his friend into the hallway. When James suddenly stopped, he almost bumped into him.

"Wait. Did you talk to my parents? Did they approve the thing with the overnight stay?"

"I haven't had a chance to ask them about it yet. I haven’t seen them."

James looked at his wristwatch. "That's odd. Mum should’ve been back from shopping by now. Let's check if she's in the garden."

To get to the Potter's garden, one had to walk through the yard along a narrow path framed by several rose arches. To the right and left of the path beautiful sunflowers, roses, bushes, and other types of plants rose from the ground. Next to the old farmhouse where the family lived was a small barn where the Potter's sheep and hay bales were housed. Instead of wishing the sheep a good day, they walked past them through a wooden garden gate. At this time of day, most of the garden was in shade, and the coolness emanating from it was wonderfully refreshing. Sirius breathed in the summer air deeply. A bee buzzed past him, and he heard the cheerful singing of a bird in the adjacent forest.

Mrs. Potter, affectionately called Effie by most, was currently bending over one of the vegetable beds, pulling out weeds. She was wearing her typical gardening outfit, consisting of a dirty green overall, rubber boots, and a straw hat. She didn’t seem to notice the boys, and when James cheerfully called out, "Hi, Mum," she startled.

"Jesus, don't startle me like that, Darling!" she exclaimed and threw a glove at him. James skilfully caught it.

"We have a question," he began, tossing the glove back to her.

"Oh, do you now?" Effie removed the other glove and placed the pair on the handle of the wheelbarrow. "Shoot away."

Sirius explained what they were up to.

"So, are you asking for my permission to have the tent or to sleep down by the lake?"

Sirius and James exchanged a look.

"Both?" James said uncertainly.

Effie laughed. "Oh, Darling, you're almost too old to be asking for my permission anymore."

"Are we?" Sirius asked sceptically. He couldn't tell if she was serious or if she was making a little joke. After all, the marauders had received a lecture or two from their parents for doing something unauthorized.

"Well," she sighed with a dreamy look, "I remember when you were like eight or nine, and you insisted on having a sleepover after dinner. But your parents wouldn't allow it, Sirius, so you two went out into the garden for a moment and then came back in, turned the radio on, and danced to the song that happened to be playing. With choreography and everything, and—" here she had to pause because she was laughing so hard, "You were really serious about it, you put real effort into it!"

"Oh God, Mum!" James groaned, embarrassed. They both remembered that failed attempt all too well. Back then, James didn't want Sirius to go back to his parents and had told him that with the rehearsed dance, he would surely succeed in convincing them to allow the sleepover.

The vivid imagination one still possessed at such a young age.

"Ah, well," Effie concluded dreamily, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "Those were the days, I'm telling ya. When I think about it, you should come up with a cute choreography again, maybe then I'll allow it."

"A second ago, you said we were too old to ask for permission!"

"I take that back. Of course, you should ask me, or at least let me know about your plans. So, who's involved this time?"

"Just us four. The girls are doing their own thing tonight," Sirius explained, thinking about how Lily and Marlene had politely declined their invitation, saying they couldn't come because they already had plans. "Top-Secret!" they had giggled when James asked them what exactly they were doing.

"Ah, I see. Because the girls are doing something nice, you boys naturally have to band together so you don't feel left out," Effie winked at them.

"Nah," Sirius said casually. "They're just having one of their boring make-up parties. No need to feel left out when us men are experiencing a real adventure."

Effie smiled and looked at James and Sirius, whom she affectionately referred to as 'her boys,' with maternal love, as if she couldn't quite comprehend where the years since they had performed the childish dance until now had gone. Despite all the years, Sirius still had to get used to the fact that someone would look at him like taht. Perhaps he'd never get used to having Effie as a kind of mother figure and receiving similar love from her as James did.

"When you're back for breakfast tomorrow, you must tell me and Monty everything. What did Mr and Mrs Black say about this?" she added, addressing Sirius, and her tone became a bit more serious but softer. What Sirius liked about her, and had always liked about her, was that she never referred his parents as his parents, she only called them by their names. As if by not naming the villain of a story, one would deprive him of his power. It was easier for him, and she knew that perfectly well.

But the gentle mention of them didn't stop the queasy feeling in his stomach and the slight goosebumps on his skin when he thought about Grimmauld Place, his home, and Regulus, who was locked up in his room there. Well, locked up was a bit dramatic but he might as well have been.

"Reggie will cover for me," he explained. He wasn't proud to involve his little brother once again in one of his disobediences. Regulus was supposed to be the good one of them, the son who made the parents proud. And yet, Sirius came along and had to complicate things for him.

Effie looked at him for a moment, then sighed.

"It's not ideal, but you know that better than I do," she said, and Sirius nodded in agreement. "It's okay. Mrs Black will have to complain to me first if this all comes out. Okay?"

Again, Sirius nodded. He didn't feel capable of using words.

"Alright then, James, you know where the tent is. In the shed, on one of the shelves."

James grinned contentedly. "Thanks, Mum. Where's Dad, by the way?"

"With the sheep."

"Yeah, I figured. Come on, Padfoot, we need to gear up for the trip!"

***

When they arrived at the Pettigrews' house, they were sweaty and panting like dogs, which they exaggerated by holding their arms behind their curved backs like two old ladies. Peter was already waiting in the front yard with a small picnic basket tucked under the bend of his elbow. He was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt that, in Sirius's opinion, didn't fall short of the brightness of the sun.

"Pete, old chap, good to see you again!" James greeted cheerfully, clapping his friend on the shoulder. Peter lifted the basket.

"Mum made us cheese and ham sandwiches."

"She always knows what's best," Sirius said enthusiastically. He was hungry, and Claire Pettigrew's sandwiches were by far the best. He wanted to pick one, but Peter pulled it away from under his nose.

"However, those are for later. She also gave me apples and some pears, and I managed to swipe a chocolate bar from Ollie," he said rather proudly, probably because stealing from his older brother was quite a feat. "What did you bring?"

"Shit!" James slapped his hand against his forehead. "Sirius, I told you we forgot something!"

"Why do you say that as if it's my fault?!"

"You should’ve thought about it!"

"I did remember the football and the tent pegs," Sirius defended himself.

Peter sighed. "So, I guess we'll have to make do with what I have. Right?"

"I'm afraid so." James confirmed, shrugging.

Sirius thought that this meagre provision would hardly be enough to satisfy their hungry stomachs and expressed his concern.

"We won't be back for dinner," he concluded, and confusion appeared on Peter's face. He seemed almost unsure.

"We won't?"

"No, we won't. This is an adventure, Pete, not your normal, cozy tea-sipping outing. That's why we're camping out, understand?" Sirius explained a bit irritated. He could hardly believe that Peter had expected them to return before seven o'clock.

"Pad's right," James said, looking at the two through his round glasses. "This will be a great adventure, the sun is shining, and the water is waiting for us. So, why wait any longer?"

Sirius gave his friend an approving pat on the shoulder. "That’s the attitude I like. Pete, you got everything? Yes? Then let's go!"

They slung their backpacks - filled with towels, sunscreen, and a thousand other things that James deemed important for the trip. The sun mercilessly beat down on them from above, and they took every opportunity to dodge into the shadows of houses or trees. They turned onto a dirt road, leaving the main street of the small village, crossed a meadow as a shortcut, and jumped over narrow streams. Along the way, they hummed a melody of some pop song or joked around, trying to push each other into the bushes. Peter picked blueberries and ate them, his mouth turning all blue, while Sirius and James picked blueberries to throw at each other.

After a short time, they entered a forest and followed the stream that crossed it until they reached a clearing, where a black lake, surrounded by trees and bushes, came into view. The Godric Lake.

Exhausted and with a thick layer of sweat on his forehead, Sirius leaned against a tree and tossed his heavy backpack to the ground. He felt as if he had just run a marathon in Mrs Hooch's gym class.

"I completely forgot how exhausting it is to go here. Especially in summer."

"Don't be such a wimp," James said who had, unfairly, inherited the inability to be exhausted by physical activities. He could’ve easily hiked another ten miles. In addition to his backpack, he also carried the bag with the tent and carefully placed both in the notches of a particularly sturdy, unearthly root.

"At least give me my sandwich, or I'll starve," Sirius complained, deftly grabbing the basket before Peter could snatch it away again. He unwrapped the sandwich wrapped in a white kitchen towel and took a bite. It was filled with turkey and lettuce. heavenly.

"Worse than my grandpa at Christmas," Peter muttered, shaking his head. He rummaged a towel out of his bag and then abruptly began to dig around in it frantically. "Damn it, I didn't bring sunscreen. You know how sensitive my skin is. Three minutes in the sun and I'm redder than a stop sign. Prongs?"

James, who was also rummaging in his backpack, handed him his sunscreen without looking up. "I'd appreciate it if you left some for me and Sirius, instead of using everything like last time."

"What do you think," Sirius asked as he took off his t-shirt and trousers, "when will Remus show up? How long is he supposed to be working at Lovegoods'?"

"I dunno," Peter answered, who was currently twisting his neck to reach a spot on his back. James went to help him apply the sunscreen. "I'm pretty sure he'll show up. He will, won't he? No marauders' overnight is truly a marauders' overnight if one of us is missing."

"Absolutely," James agreed. "We should all learn something from that guy, as hardworking as he is..."

After they all had applied sunscreen (James had to make sure no spot was missing), they walked to the shore in their swimming trunks and dipped their spread toes into the water.

"Brrrr, it's freezing!" Peter screamed and was about to retreat, but Sirius stopped him.

"You're such a coward. Look how it's done properly!" And with those words, he ran straight into the water, eyes squinted shut and nose pinched, the water splashing in all directions, causing James and Peter to yelp in surprise.

Peter wasn't wrong; the water was cold. But at the same time the freshness on his sweat-drenched skin felt incredibly good so he dove in as soon as the spot was deep enough. James and Peter took their time getting used to the temperature, and Sirius grew impatient. He swam to them and splashed them with water.

They swam and dived, tossed the football to each other, and held contests to see who could hold their breath the longest. One time, Sirius and James pretended to dive with Peter on three, and when he disappeared under the water's surface, they pushed him down by the shoulders and laughed as he resurfaced, furious and spitting water. They took races to see who could swim to the other side of the lake the fastest or tried to guess what the submerged person was trying to say.

After all the frolicking, their muscles gradually grew tired, and they let themselves drift on their backs, blinking happily at the cloudless evening sky. Peter babbled something about a cake he had baked with his mother recently.

A branch entered Sirius' field of view, and he observed the tiny swirling dragonflies that stood out vividly against the sun, as if they had halos. The scent of woods and grass filled the air, and he listened to the peaceful splashing of the nearby stream.

He pondered what Remus might be doing up in the village at that moment. Was he angry that he couldn't be here with his friends? Sirius imagined him in his faded, checkered shirt, which he had received from his father years ago, with mud-stained boots and curly brown hair, damp with sweat.

He couldn't help but worry a little about his friend, who was the way he was: stubborn and proud, never accepting help from others. Sirius wouldn't claim to be angry or disappointed that Remus hadn't come along, and he wouldn't blame him for it either. He just missed Remus being here, that was all.

"Oi, Padfoot!"

Sirius closed his eyes and felt the warm rays of the sun on the delicate skin of his eyelids. "What's up, Prongs?" he asked without opening them.

"Pete and I are going to take a break and set up the tent—"

"—And eat the sandwiches!" Peter chimed in.

"—If you want to come along..."

"Go ahead, I'll stay in the water a while longer."

"Alright," James replied, and Sirius heard the others swimming back to the shore somewhere in the distance. He caught faint voices discussing who would get the cheese and who would get the ham sandwich.

He raised his left arm into the air. Water dripped onto his face, causing him to blink. Regulus used to come to the lake with him sometimes, but only when the others weren't around. That was the condition, and although Sirius never understood why Regulus refused to come when the others were present, he always stuck to that condition. Because he had learned early on that moments like these at the lake with his brother were as rare as snowfall in April. He had learned to cherish them, even if they were calmer than the exciting moments with his friends.

He felt a pang of pain somewhere in his chest and something much meaner. Something like guilt.

In the distance, the chatter became louder and more cheerful, probably because of something funny James had done. Then there was the sound of someone diving into water. Perhaps James or Peter had gone back for another swim?

A dragonfly buzzed overhead, and Sirius made a half-hearted attempt to catch it.

"Why're you here playing the lone wolf? I thought that was my thing."

Sirius jerked so violently that he lost his balance. He had to paddle awkwardly with his arms to keep himself afloat. In the process, he got water in his nose which was extremely unpleasant.

Once he found a suitable rhythm for paddling, he opened his eyes properly and saw Remus—or rather, his head—right in front of him. Remus' hair hung damp and dark on his forehead, it was almost black. He grinned like an idiot, probably very pleased with himself for having almost scared Sirius to death.

"What the hell are you doing here?! I thought you had to work?"

"Nice to see you too," Remus replied sarcastically and splashed water in his direction. Sirius did the same, and a pause ensued as both rubbed their eyes to regain clear vision.

"Oh, come on. I'm damn glad to see you, Mr Workaholic Lupin."

"At least I'm doing something useful. What've you been doing all day, except, let me think... absolutely nothing?!"

Sirius scoffed. "It's almost summer break, what exactly do you expect from me?"

"I don't know" Remus said, adopting his typical tone he always used when Sirius' nonchalance didn't sit well with him. "Maybe that you do your homework for a change? Or finally write that essay Mrs McGonagall assigned us weeks ago?"

"I beg to differ, we all know Minnie won't be mad at me if I don't finish that stupid essay. She knows I'm smart. No need to prove it."

"Sirius Black, as modest as ever," Remus rolled his eyes. He was clearly annoyed with him.

"What's wrong with you? Why can't you give yourself a break for a change? Is that so hard?"

Remus looked hurt. He often did when this topic came up.

"Sorry."

"Well, like I said, I'm glad you're here now. Better late than never, right?"

Remus nodded.

"Want to swim a bit?" Sirius asked.

"You know I hate swimming. I only came to surprise you, idiot."

Sirius couldn't help but grin. "You flatter me, really. Come on, let's go back to the shore. My skin doesn't even feel like skin anymore."

"You've been in here that long?"

"You know me. I love water."

***

They sat in a circle on the leafy ground in front of the tent that James and Peter had successfully set up, cracking jokes and sipping coke that Remus had brought along as the sun slowly began to fade behind the trees, leaving behind a quiet darkness only interrupted by the occasional chirping of crickets.

Sirius and James had tried to start a fire for at least thirty minutes, using sticks and stones—a trick James had learned from his father—but after countless unsuccessful attempts, they had reluctantly given up. Fortunately, the night was still warm, and a fire not necessary. They used flashlights, and when they held them under their chins, the light made their faces look oddly distorted and eerie. Sirius began to tell a ghost story that his cousin Andy had often told him and Regulus when they were kids.

He did his best to mimic the spooky voices, but he suspected he would never be as good at it as Andy. It didn't matter though, because he happily noticed that his friends, especially Peter, were scared out of their wits anyway.

"...And he returned to the castle, blood running down his chin, with anger and malice lurking in his heart. He wanted to avenge her one last time, so he crept up from behind the killer, as silent as a cat, and slit his throat." To emphasize his story, he gestured towards Remus, who was sitting next to him. Remus grabbed his wrist and slowly pulled Sirius' arm away from his neck.

"No chance of killing me, I'd always be faster than you," he said with an amused gleam in his eyes.

"You sure about that?"

"Absolutely."

"And what if I were to secretly kill you without you noticing?"

Remus simply tilted his head. Everything about this gesture said: You don't seriously mean that, do you?

"I bet you'd never be able to kill Moony, he's too smart for that," Peter said. He still looked a bit pale, his usually rosy cheeks devoid of colour. Scary stories always gave him nightmares. "Me, on the other hand? Absolutely no chance. I'd be dead within seconds, without even realizing it beforehand."

"Petey, don't say that" James reassured him, patting him on the thigh. "You'd surely be great at noticing if someone wanted to kill you."

"Thanks, James."

"You're welcome, mate."

"But seriously," Sirius whispered tensely, and the others were hanging on his every word. "Who do you think would survive the longest in a cruel, dystopian zombie world?"

"Moony," James and Peter answered simultaneously, without hesitation.

Well, that was clearly not the answer he had expected. "Remus? Why him of all people?!"

"Very endearing, thanks for your trust in me."

"Shut up, Moony. You know what I mean."

James shrugged and popped a piece of stolen chocolate into his mouth. "Hard to say, he just has that certain something that would surely help him in an apocalypse."

"That certain something? I think we're forgetting who the strongest marauder is." To illustrate, Sirius flexed his biceps. James didn't seem impressed.

"Come on, Sirius. Remus has grown at least ten inches since March, and all the manual labour he does? You can't deny that must’ve led to quite a decent muscle mass."

Sirius looked at Remus, who had been regarding James with a furrow between his eyebrows and now turned his head to him.

"Is that true? Stand up straight so we can measure. You can’t be taller than me!"

Remus groaned irritably. "I'm definitely not doing that."

"Why not?"

"Why're you suddenly so obsessed with it?"

"I just want to know!" Sirius retorted, growing impatient. Damn Remus and his stubborn head.

"I think," Peter hastily interjected, likely seeing a fight about to escalate, "that you both would have pretty good chances of surviving. As for me, I wouldn't last a day on my own."

"Stop talking yourself down, Peter!” James pointed a warning finger at the boy "You know your strengths, you're good at crawling away and staying unnoticed. Those are important qualities during an apocalypse." Peter bit his lip to keep from smiling too widely in relief.

"Actually," Remus said after a brief silence, "we all know it's the girls who would last the longest."

They murmured in agreement. And with that, the subject was closed.

***

Late into the night, they decided to retreat into the tent as the mosquitoes, attracted by the light, became unbearable. Once they had spread out their sleeping bags (Remus didn't have one but James, who had thought of it, had brought a second one) and snuggled into the blankets, they switched off their flashlights.

"What do you think the girls are doing right now?" Peter asked into the darkness. Not a single speck of light penetrated the tent, and all Sirius could see was a black, endless wall.

"Lily told me about their plans," James said.

"Let me guess; makeup, painting nails, gossiping about boys... typical girl stuff," Sirius said, imagining the girls in Lily's room, where they had set up their camp and were probably singing along to some cheesy love ballad.

"I doubt that's all they're doing," Remus replied. He lay close to Sirius, and his voice was clearly audible, even though he spoke no louder than a whisper. "After all, we're talking about Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, and Lily. Do you remember when we came up with that stupid Halloween dare in fourth grade? The one were we wanted to ring the old milk farmer's doorbell and ask him for candy?"

The others chuckled at the memory.

"In the end, we didn't dare and only got those sour apples," Remus continued. "But the girls dared to ask and actually got a handful of candies each."

The old milk farmer was known for giving the children sour apples from his orchard on Halloween, but only if they sang him a song. Because they were tired of it and the selection of sweets in Godric's Hollow on Halloween night was very limited anyway, they had wanted to ask for real candy - but at the last moment, they were too scared. The old man was really intimidating with his shotgun leaning against the wall in the hallway and the ever-smoking pipe in his grimly twisted mouth.

James began to tell a terribly funny anecdote he had experienced with the milk farmer when he was twelve. They laughed, and every time one of them revealed a new, funnier, and more embarrassing story about him, they had to laugh again, and so for a long time, they did nothing but lie in the darkness in the middle of the forest and amuse themselves.

"May he rest in peace," Sirius sighed after they had regained their composure, his stomach hurting from laughing so much.

Someone grunted in agreement.

"Man, swimming always makes me so tired..." Peter murmured, yawning. This prompted James to yawn as well.

"It's going to be a fantastic summer," Sirius said happily, and he was completely sure of this statement. He folded his arms behind his head and smiled expectantly.

"Yeah, I think so, too." James whispered. Sirius could hear the tiredness in his voice.

"Goodnight," Peter said, yawning again and rustling with his sleeping bag, probably to get into a more comfortable position.

"Sleep tight. And if anyone wakes me up before nine, you’ll pay!"

"The sun will wake you up."

He smiled. Remus' voice sounded sleepy and familiar in the silence. Sirius felt so at peace and relaxed that he felt all warm and cozy.

"Goodnight, Moony."

"Goodnight, Padfoot."

Chapter Text

The third week of summer holidays began and ended with Sirius bored in his bed, an unread book forgotten next to his pillow, clothes strewn everywhere, and the rapidly rising danger of listlessness.

And yet, the summer holidays had started with so much promise like never before: Fleamont Potter had finally decided to buy a small rowboat. He had taken the boys to the lake almost every day to catch fresh fish for dinner. James and Sirius were so thrilled with the boat, the fishing, and the hard work that came with it that they didn't even mind having to show up every morning at eight o'clock, when they could have been sleeping in.

Remus and Peter had quickly lost interest and even more so their appetite for fish, turning the outings into a father-son activity, where Sirius was allowed to come along.

A few days ago, however, the routine of early rising, getting the boat ready, casting the fishing line, and holding onto the fish to keep from jumping back into the water had come to a halt. At the beginning of the week, the Potters had travelled to India to visit relatives. Effie had cried tears of joy when Monty presented her this surprise. That same evening, James had told Sirius that his mother hadn't seen her parents in almost twenty years. James, on the other hand, had never met his grandparents.

So it was no wonder that James had spent the last fortnight talking about nothing but the trip. It would be his first flight, his first time abroad, his first meeting with his family. He was bursting with excitement and, if possible, brimming with even more energy than usual.

And don’t get him wrong, Sirius was genuinely happy for his friend. But he couldn't help but feel a tingling sense of abandonment, like an eerie and heavy lump of wet clothes weighing on his heart, making it difficult for him to feel cheerful.

As much as he tried to ignore this feeling, it seemed impossible to regain the fun mood of early summer. He spent his days lying in bed, doing his best to ignore his parents' malicious comments. He couldn't even visit Peter or Remus, knowing that Peter had to study for school and Remus was losing his mind over all his summer jobs. He currently worked at his uncles shop for tools in the city. Along with that he had his duties at the Lovegood farm. Seriously, Sirius almost never saw him these days.

Sirius was angry with his two friends, although he couldn't explain why. He had called Mary last night to vent, but she had interrupted him before he could even start. She had spent about an hour telling him about her plans with Tom, her boyfriend, for the summer, until finally his mother had found him and banished him from the room.

Marlene was spending her holidays at football camp, just like last year, and wouldn't be back until the last week. Dorcas and Lily had joined him for fishing three days ago, but they were disgusted by the slippery fish and immediately released them every time. It hadn't been much fun, to be honest.

With a long sigh, Sirius rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Outside, the sun was shining, and the leaves behind his window seemed to beckon him outdoors with whispering invitations. A seductive sound. A wonderful sound. The sound of hot summer days, meant for having fun.

He sighed again, hoping that by some miracle, someone would burst through his bedroom door and rescue him from his misery.

A moment later, there was a knock, making Sirius turn his gaze to the closed door, too lazy to move another muscle.

"What do you want, Reg?"

"I just wanted to let you know that Mother and Father are gone now," came his brother's muffled voice. "They just said goodbye."

"Good. Finally."

Altough Sirius couldn't see him through the door, he knew that Regulus was standing in front of it, hesitating to leave.

"They were pretty mad you didn't say goodbye."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "They're literally back tomorrow morning. It's not like they're going off to war or something."

"I know. I just wanted to let you know," Regulus replied sourly. There was a short pause, then - "They'll be mad at you tomorrow."

"Whatever."

Regulus said nothing more, and Sirius knew he had gone.

My God, he thought, the sole purpose of my family is to torture me to death, isn't it?

He pulled the book from under his pillow and began to read it listlessly. It was the assigned school reading about a mad scientist who created a monster. Remus loved this story.

Remus Remus Remus

Maybe he was home after all.

***

It was late afternoon, and the sun was slanting in the sky. The temperature hadn't cooled down at all since the start of the holidays. The only reason Sirius wasn't melting like ice on the spot was a gentle breeze that wafted his hair through the air like sparks from a fire.

The path to the Lupins was a bumpy, narrow, and above all, broken road that led into a dirt track and eventually a forest the Marauders affectionately called Beetle Forest because they found there was an above-average number of beetles there. The insects buzzed particularly loudly in this area with its meter-high grass and shallow streams. Sheep grazed in the adjacent meadows, and in the distance, Sirius could make out the farmer on his tractor hauling long wooden poles.

The scene was a harmonious interplay of warm colours, pure scents, hot pebbles, and lively sounds of nature.

And then, about two hundred meters from the last house in the village, the Lupins' home came into view: small, crooked, worn-out, and a little run-down. It was an old thatched roof house that originally served as a small farm with a shed and courtyard.

Smaller machines for fieldwork that Lyall Lupin allegedly wanted to repair, but never found the time for, were piled up next to the shed door. Weeds peeked out between the cracks in the stone slabs, a window in the shed was cracked, the paint on the old Beetle was chipped, the fence had been broken by a violent storm long ago, the plaster on the walls had crumbled in places, and the lamp at the entrance didn't work.

The first glance at the Lupin house seemed unwelcoming and somewhat musty, but a second look revealed the familial design of the courtyard, which Hope Lupin so affectionately implemented: Under the awning next to the house wall stood a white plastic bench with matching garden chairs with colourful seat cushions, a blue tablecloth was spread out on the table, where Hope liked to serve coffee, a clothesline was stretched between the gutter and a tree, with numerous pieces of clothing hanging on it to dry, and everywhere, truly everywhere, were flower pots.

Every time Sirius visited Remus at home, and he didn't do that often, a familiar and warm feeling flowed through his body, the origin of which he could never quite place. It was different from the Potters; they had a picture-perfect house through and through - with their beautiful gardens and dark furniture, the grand fireplace, and the noble ceiling lamps.

When he looked at the Lupin house, he was reminded of how something so humble and rundown could also be something cozy and familiar. He always thought that's how a home should look. It looked real. Not perfect, but real.

Remus was ashamed of his home, naturally. He hated how shabby and sad it looked compared to other buildings in Godric's Hollow. He almost never invited his friends over, so it was always a small mystery among them.

When Sirius rang the green-painted doorbell, Hope Lupin, a petite woman, opened the door for him. 

In the same second that she opened the door, Sirius wondered how exhausted and wrinkled she looked, as if she had aged massively in just a few months. She was thinner than usual, and instead of her typical bright clothes, she wore a colourless skirt and a white apron.

"Oh, Sirius, Darling. How lovely to see you," she said with her Welsh accent. She smiled at him and stepped aside so he could enter. "Would you like something to eat? I still have jam and fresh apple juice. The McKinnons brought some new yesterday."

She hurried down the narrow hallway into the kitchen/living/dining/laundry room and rummaged through the fridge. Sirius's gaze wandered to the leather armchair where, as always when he visited, Remus's father Lyall was sitting. He had his right leg bent, while the left one rested on the coffee table. The remote control lay on his stomach, and he had a firm grip on a beer bottle. Without a word, he took a sip from it, and although he was sitting with his back to the kitchen, he gave Sirius a half-hearted nod.

"Hello, Peter."

"It's Sirius, darling. Not Peter," Hope corrected him, her head still in the fridge.

Lyall snorted and grumbled, "Sirius, long time no see. How's Walburga and old Orion doin'? Heard the Wellingtons are closing for good. Business must be going pretty smooth for you lot in the past few months."

Sirius felt a pang of guilt, even though it wasn't really his fault.

The thing was this: The Blacks owned one of the largest power plants in the south of the country. The Wellingtons had owned another power plant nearby and were considered the biggest rivals and personal nemesis of Orion Black, the CEO and Sirius's father. They quarrelled year after year, until the Wellingtons nearly went bankrupt a few years ago, having to lay off numbers of employees as a result.

Among them was Lyall Lupin, who hadn't been able to hold a job for more than a few months since his dismissal three years ago.

The bankruptcy of the Wellingtons was only indirectly related to the Blacks' empire, and as Orion used to say, that's just how the economy worked. Still, Lyall seemed to blame Sirius's family, and primarily Sirius himself.

Sirius tried to ignore Lyall's bitter tone as he replied, "Honestly, I don't pay much attention to all that business stuff."

Lyall grunted a barely audible "Hmm, probably for the best," and took another sip. He wasn't an alcoholic, at least not according to Remus, but in Sirius's eyes, he seemed to have a clear fondness for any drink with at least five percent of it in it.

"I think the jam is in the basement. Wait a second" Hope said and was already halfway to the basement stairs when Sirius intervened politely.

"It's alright, Hope, don’t bother. I just wanted to see Remus. Is he here?"

"I don't know... Lyall, is our son at home?" - Lyall didn't answer - "He should be here. He usually has to work Friday afternoon so he can have Saturday morning off, but sometimes he ends up jumping in last-minute at Uncle Theodor's store."

Hope opened one cupboard after the other until she finally found a cup. "Tea? Anyway-"

"Argh, this fucking TV!" Lyall suddenly yelled, making Sirius flinch. Lyall stood up and gave the device a strong blow on the side. It rustled and crackled, the image turned grey, then to static, and finally back to the talk show Lyall had been watching. "This bloody thing is going to cost me ten years of my life."

"We need to fix that.," Hope said in a casual tone as she put water on.

"With what money?" Lyall replied ironically, staring stubbornly at the telly, and clutching the beer bottle tightly.

Hope sighed. It was a thin, barely perceptible thing, and it trembled more than it rang evenly. When she felt Sirius's gaze, she gave him a twitching, apologetic smile. Her dimples looked sad and out of place, as if they hadn't been in their usual, cheerful function for a while.

"Tea will be ready soon. Why don't you go look for Remus while I prepare you a cuppa?"

Sirius nodded and left her and her husband in the kitchen/living /dining /laundry room.

Upstairs were three rooms: the bathroom, the parents’ bedroom, and at the very end of the tiny hallway, Remus's room. But when Sirius peeked inside there was no one there apart from an unmade bed, a bursting bookshelf, and an open window.

Sirius went back downstairs. He briefly listened to the shrill voices of the talk show ("I believe, Jimmy, that we have our next winner for our two hundred-thousand-pound question right here!"), and then sneaked out through the front door into the sun-drenched courtyard.

He eventually found Remus lying on his back on a stone wall behind the house where the Lupins stored their wood; he wore sunglasses and shorts, his upper body was bare and tanned. One leg was bent while the other was casually dangling down, one arm was stretched over his head with a book in his hand to block the sun, and the other was tucked under his head.

He seemed more relaxed than Sirius had seen him in weeks. 

"What’re you reading?" he asked.

"Frankenstein by Mary Shelley," Remus replied calmly, without moving, as if he had already anticipated Sirius's presence. "I bet you haven't even started."

Sirius scoffed, leaning against the wall to get a better look of the page over Remus's head. “I started, but I don’t get how Victor Frankenstein could’ve been so stupid as to create a monster.”

“His insatiable thirst for knowledge I'd say.”

“How many times have you read it?”

“Twice”

“Of course.”

There was a pause as Remus turned the page, adjusting his position slightly.

“So, no work today?”

“As you can see, no.”

“And what do you do in your free time?”

“Reading, as you can see.”

“Just that?”

Remus lay the book on his bare chest, sighning. He didn’t lift his head to look at Sirius, and the sunglasses made it impossible from Sirius point of view to see more than his eyelashes. “Are you bored because James isn’t around? Is that why you came here, to annoy me?”

“I might be bored, but I'd never come by just because I have nothing else to do.” Sirius said, grinning. 

“Hmhm, sure,” Remus muttered, sitting up straight. He placed the book beside him on the wall and tucked his hands under his thighs. “You enjoy annoying me. Admit it.”

“Never.”

Sirius was very pleased with Remus's lack of motivation; it was typical of him.

“So, what’s your plan?” Remus asked, taking off his sunglasses.

“I dunno… How about a little walk to the oak tree?”

Remus groaned. “You’re kidding, right? I’m not going up the hill in this heat. We're in the valley, remember?”

“Come on. You can tell me all about your super boring book.”

“Frankenstein isn’t boring.”

“You can convince me of that on the way.”

Remus seemed to assess his options. He looked at him with an annoyed expression: his tongue was pressed against the bottom of his mouth, his eyes were slightly squinted.

“Fine. But let me put on a T-shirt fist.”

"You won't regret it!"

Inside the house, Remus walked up to his room and Sirius went into the kitchen/living/dining/laundry room where Hope was sitting at the kitchen table hunched over a supermarket catalogue, a half-full teacup beside her. Noticing Sirius, she looked up and for a split second seemed confused by his presence. Then she put on a lovely smile and put down her reading glasses.

"You couldn't find Remus?"

"He's upstairs getting dressed. We want to go outside.”

“A wonderful idea for this fantastic weather. If you see Effie, could you tell her yesterday's chicken was fabulous?"

"Oh, um, Effie and the rest of the Potters are in India right now, didn't she tell?"

"Oh! Yes, you're right, of course she did!", Hope said and shook her head as if she couldn't believe that she had forgotten this. "There's so many things on my mind lately, but of course you're right, darling.I think its amazing that they flew to India, don't you think? A great country...”

Hope flipped distractedly to the next page and took a sip from her cup. Then she suddenly stopped and looked at Sirius in bewilderment.

"Goodness, the cuppa was meant for you. Oh, damn hell, where is my mind today... wait, I'll make you a new one."

She started to get up, but Sirius hurried to tell her it was okay, he didn't need a new cuppa, he was going to leave now anyway.

"Alright." Hope sighed, still wearing her fake smile. She seemed somehow helpless and smaller than usual, and Sirius suddenly felt an overwhelming sympathy for this woman who, in addition to the household chores, also had to take care of a son and a resigned husband.

She used to be a bouncing ball of light, full of laughter and cheek. She was the one doing silly faces at the table, making the kids laugh while her husband sat beside her. Sirius wondered where it all went - when she had turned into this tired and troubled person.

Remus came and stopped by the door frame. He didn't meet his mother's eyes, ignored the sight of his father in the armchair, and stared expressionlessly at a spot next to the sink.

"Dad, weren't you supposed to go to the job centre today?"

"The car wouldn't start," Lyall grumbled without moving. A cat food commercial was playing on TV.

"Then perhaps you should take it for repair."

"Hah, right!" Lyall scoffed. "So I pay them a shit amount of money for something I can do myself in no time."

"Why don’t you do it, then?" Remus replied. Sirius saw a muscle in his jaw tense.

His father didn't respond. Instead, he slowly got up, and shuffled towards the fridge. He opened it and took out a bottle. He opened it with his teeth and spat the cap into the bin next to Remus. He stopped in front of his son, silently meeting his eyes with a raised chest.

Although Remus was the tallest of the group (which Sirius reluctantly had to admit), his father towered over him by half a head. It wasn't even five inches, yet those inches seemed significant for the power difference between them: Lyall did nothing more than look down on Remus, with an expression that wasn’t mean or threatening, but brimming with authority.

Remus returned the gaze, with clenched teeth and a clenched fist. His gaze was completely calm, and if Sirius didn't know him better, he'd think he felt not a single spark of fear. But Sirius did know him better and knew that Remus had invested a lot of practice in this gaze over the years.

The moment lasted barely four ticks of the clock, and the tension dissolved instantly as Lyall slumped back into his seat. Hope cheerfully bid the boys goodbye with the words, "Have fun and don't stay out too late!"

***

A heavy blanket of silence hung over them as they walked side by side, listening to the sounds of the forest they crossed. The shadows of the trees were a refreshing relief: like an oasis in a desert of hot sand.

From a single, cheeky glance at Remus's face, Sirius knew he was lost in thought. His forehead was furrowed, his mouth grim, and they hadn't exchanged a single word since they had left the house.

Sirius was trying to come up with a stupid joke or a clever comment to lighten Remus's mood, but he saw no way to make this situation less tense than it was. Remus always retreated into his head when something happened with his dad. There was no getting him out of there again.

They left the dirt road and took a shortcut through the wild undergrowth. The narrow path that wound its way along prompted them to walk in single file, making Sirius watch Remus's back, his boyish curls, his straight neck. He observed him as the other boy brushed branches and leaves with his outstretched hand, as if he belonged to an old Celtic saga, where a neglected boy wandered lonely through the woods, searching for shelter.

Sirius took about five more minutes to gather the courage to say something.

"So, what about Victor Frankenstein and-"

"You know what I don't understand?" Remus interrupted him, as if he had been waiting for Sirius to break the silence. Remus didn't turn around and continued to walk briskly. The path to the old oak had been burned into their brains for years - they'd find it blindly. "Why the hell he won’t get his lazy arse off that bloody chair and finally look for a fucking job. It's not as difficult as he always pretends. Every fucking place is looking for people right now, and what's with that shitty excuse 'I can't find work at my age' anyway? My God, he's forty-six, not eighty-six!"

Sirius hadn't known that the situation in Remus's family had escalated to such an extent. Remus never really talked about it, and the only insights his friends got into his home life were during dinner invitations when Hope had cooked or when he talked about how his father had difficulties finding a new job. He had never, not once, mentioned how angry it made him.

Sirius reckoned that quiet people usually hid their anger the best.

"I'm no expert but isn't there a way to register as unemployed at the job centre? Aren't they helping, then?" Sirius asked, because he didn't know what else to say.

"He's already done that, but he's as stubborn as an old donkey who won't accept any help that's offered to him."

Sirius bit his lips to hide a smile. That sounded suspiciously like Lyall's son.

"He quit the job at the garage after two weeks. Says he's not happy with the boss. Well, what can I say, Dad? I've got two bosses breathing down my neck and I absolutely can't stand them, but I'm still not a pain in the ass about it. Sometimes life is just a bit harder than you want it to be, but wallowing in self-pity damn well won't get you anywhere."

The thing about Remus's anger was that he didn't shout or display it too openly. Often, you wouldn't even know that his facade was crumbling or that he was dangerously close to exploding. And even now, he kept his voice low and did his best to keep it calm. However, he couldn't manage it in some places, and his voice was nothing more than a thin, tearable ribbon full of hidden emotions that was pulled in opposite directions at both ends.

"What does your mum say about your dad watching TV all day?"

"She's not sure how to help him," Remus said, shrugging. "She's doing her best to make the situation look like everything's perfect. She probably does this to keep me from worrying, but I'm not stupid. Every little kid notices when their dad drinks all day, moping around."

Remus didn't say anything else, and Sirius desperately searched for encouraging words. Could you even beautify such a shitty situation? Well, fuck it.

"Fuck your dad and his fucking problems," Sirius said, making Remus abruptly turn around. His forehead was deeply furrowed. Sirius shrugged: so what? You know I'm right. "He's a real cry-baby, if you ask me. Can't be that hard to actually find a job, can it? You shouldn't get too worked up about it; it's not like you can help him in any way."

"I can try."

"And how's that?"

Remus shrugged. He avoided Sirius's gaze.

"By working myself. It shows that his son is doing his best to support the family, which he clearly no longer wants. Maybe it’ll bring him to his senses eventually and he'll change. Mum won't be able to keep up the facade forever." He turned around again, murmuring almost inaudibly, "It's breaking her."

Oh Remus, Sirius thought, you poor, naive thing.

It was almost painful to hear his friend speak like that: with a little residual hope in what seemed like a hopeless situation. Sirius would’ve liked to say something along the lines of "it's not really your responsibility, is it?" but he knew for sure that it wouldn't change Remus's mindset.

Remus had always been a bit of a solitary fighter of his own conflicts.

For the rest of the way, Sirius couldn't stop thinking about two things. The first thing that wouldn't let him go was the whole thing with Remus and his dad. The second concerned his own father. Orion had never had problems with unemployment in his life because the power plant would remain steady, as it had for generations. Sirius would never have to worry about money, provided he wasn't disinherited by his parents.

No, the Blacks didn't have money problems, not by a long shot. They were doing fine, despite the isolation from the other villagers. So why did Sirius still feel the desperate desire to leave them?

***

The oak tree on the mountainside was surrounded by pastures and old deciduous trees that cast long shadows on the grass where they had settled. They had taken off their shoes and socks, and the grass tickled cheekily at their ankles.

Sirius sat cross-legged on the lawn, pulling tufts of grass out between his fingertips, letting them rustle in the gentle breeze as they fell to the ground. He enjoyed that crunching sound when he plucked it.

"If you keep doing this the animals won’t have anything left to eat." Remus's voice came from behind.

"The cows are grazing on the other side anyway."

"The cows, yes, but Xeno told me his father sometimes lets the sheep graze up here."

Sirius looked up and saw the white-spotted cows on the other side of the fence. They weren't bothered by his and Remus's presence. They just kept grazing. Some of them had sought shelter in the shade, others lay in the mud while the calves drank milk from their mothers. None of the cows moved too much; the weather was too hot.

How wonderfully simple life must be as a cow. The Lovegoods didn't even slaughter their animals; they lived every day for the rest of their lives on that pasture and were allowed to do what they liked best: eat, sleep, and play.

A cow mooed, and Sirius mooed happily back.

"You’re a cow now or what?" Remus asked, sounding disturbed, but Sirius couldn't help but laugh. He turned to the other boy, who was leaning against the bark of the oak tree, eyes closed, legs pulled up to his body. The evening sun cast its orange light on his freckles, which only stood out in the height of summer. It made him look like someone who had been on holiday in Spain or Italy.

"Just look at how happy those cows are!"

Remus blinked his eyes open and stared out at the pasture. "Imagine if you were locked behind fences your whole life."

"Ah, come on, don't these cows look happy to you? Maybe it doesn't bother them to be locked up, as long as they can eat grass with their friends the whole day."

"Would you be happy behind that fence?"

Sirius thought that was an odd question. "Well, I'm not a cow, am I?!"

"I know, but..." Remus glanced at him briefly, then looked away. "Anyway."

"I mean, I hate being locked up in my room, so..."

Remus closed his eyes again. Sirius returned to his grass-plucking activity.

"How’re you managing without James?" Remus asked after a while.

"You make it sound like I have no other friends besides him."

"I know he's not your only friend. But I also know you miss being at the Potters', since they're a perfect shelter for you."

Immediately, an image flashed into Sirius's mind. It was the Potters' living room, bright and cosy. He could almost smell the scent of candles and freshly baked bread. Sunlight was streaming through the large windows; the curtains were white and embroidered with small golden stars. Little golden star, as they called him.

And he wasn't even their biological son.

"I'm doing just fine," he said, trying not to think about Grimmauld Place.

Remus hummed. "And how's things at home?"

Sirius could feed him a lie, claim that the long hours in his room didn't feel like his personal cage, or that the crack under his door didn't let dark spirits through. Crawling and sticky as they were, they tried to drag him into the dreadful world of his family. He could deny it and lie. Say that he always managed to remain steadfast, and that his parents' voices didn't bother him.

But it was Remus, and Remus was always able to tell when he was lying.

"The house is driving me crazy, but what's new, eh? Mother and Father are on a business trip to London until tomorrow, which is pretty neat. Regulus is annoying. But I don't see him much lately."

"You think he's plotting something?"

Reluctantly, Sirius had to smile. "Maybe he's planning to poison someone, maybe he's planning a robbery, maybe he's planning to get rid of me. Who knows with him? Maybe he just wants to stay out of my way."

Remus didn't press further, just hummed another "Hmm," and Sirius was very grateful for that.

Although it was known to everyone that the matter between him and Regulus... was complicated, it had been silently agreed upon not to question it and to let the brothers just be brothers.

***

When they returned later in the evening, Hope was sitting outside on one of the plastic chairs, smoking a cigarette. She waved at them, smiling.

"You were gone longer than I thought."

"We went for a walk," Remus explained.

"How lovely. I'm sorry, darling, but I've just reheated leftovers again," Hope said, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "There's still plenty left, so if you'd like, Sirius, you're welcome to join us."

"Thanks, but I promised Reggie I'd come back to eat with him."

"Give him my love, I haven't seen him in ages."

"Will do," Sirius said, sure that Regulus would secretly appreciate it when the villagers thought of him.

"The food is still warm, you said?" Remus asked his mum.

Hope nodded. "Your dad went down to the pub, Sheffield's playing tonight."

"Okay." Remus looked momentarily angry, as if he'd love to hit something. "I guess the car's still working for the important things in life, then."

Hope extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray, sighning. She immediately lit a new one. "He said it just needed a little push. Whatever that means..."

Remus shook his head but didn't say anything more on the subject.

"Seeya soon, Sirius."

"Yeah, seeya," Sirius waved half-heartedly as Remus shuffled into the house, the door closing behind him with a rather feeble thud.

Hope glanced at Sirius, smoke swirling around her. "His dad's being a real arsehole at the moment, I have to admit. I know it's not easy for Remus. I don't know how to handle him, so I'm asking you to take care of him. All of you, okay? He needs his friends to ground him, or he'll lose his head."

Sirius didn't really know what to say in response. Of course they would take care of Remus. 

"We're marauders, we look out for each other," was all he said before saying goodbye and strolling towards Grimmauld Place – with a lighter feeling in his stomach since a long time, knowing that besides Regulus and a peaceful dinner, no one else would be waiting for him.

Chapter Text

The origins of the marauders date back many years and would later become a significant part of numerous stories about mischief from their youth. They look back on those wonderful days with pride and a kind of affectionate nostalgia. It's funny because back then, being a marauder seemed very adult to them - they had duties to fulfil, meetings to attend, and even nicknames they used to communicate.

They couldn't have been older than nine or ten when, due to endless boredom, they began to explore the surrounding area. A narrow passage between rock walls was for them the secret entrance to another world, a wild stream was the ocean they had to cross, the treetops were the roofs of an abandoned fantasy city, shy squirrels were a sign to hide, sticks were sharp swords, harmless blueberries were poisonous berries from witches, a non-weatherproof tipi was a refuge for resting.

The four boys decided it would be best if no one knew about these secret places – especially the girls, as they were considered their big rivals at the time.

After some time, they had found a variety of these hidden places and had trouble keeping track of them. So, they began to make a list and name each location: Shadow Woods, Beetle Forest, Creek of Terror, Godric Lake, Bumblebee Meadow. However, after James was dissatisfied that they knew the names but not exactly where the locations were, Remus suggested the idea of making a map. 

They were busy mapping for weeks, spending more time in nature than usual, although cold autumn was already knocking at the door. They drew, planned, and designed symbols and signposts. When they were finally done, they celebrated with a secret night hike to the old oak, one of their favourite places, and sat in a circle. They couldn't stop smiling and giggling. For them, it was a great success, a mission accomplished with flying colours. They felt untouchable, like kings of their own kingdom.

"The only thing missing now are code names," James declared, beaming.

"You mean like nicknames?" Peter asked excitedly, nibbling on a candy cane.

"Exactly!" James confirmed. "We need code names for secret missions, for further exploration tours that must remain confidential."

"So that the girls can't spy on us!" Sirius exclaimed, finding the idea one of the best to have ever sprung from James's fantastic mind.

"Don't you think the girls will see right through us?" Remus pondered, but Sirius shrugged off carelessly,

"Not if we use really good code names that they'd never guess who's behind them!"

"Sirius is right," said James, leaning forward meaningfully. "So, any suggestions?"

They all fell silent, thinking hard. Peter looked to James for inspiration, it seemed.

"Well," he said after a moment, "how about Prongs?"

"But we can't all-"

"Not all of us, just you. You're Prongs."

James seemed to consider it. He looked torn between thinking it was a great name and thinking it sounded wired.

"I think it fits," Sirius said, knowing that James secretly thought so too and hoped for confirmation.

With that, the first code name was born, and although no other three were created that night, they eventually developed over time. "Padfoot" was born short after the events at the old oak tree. Sirius and James were playing football in the Potters' garden when Effie came out screaming like a maniac. Outside, a huge black dog was wandering around, having run away from its owner. Of course, the two ran onto the streets to witness. The dog was gigantic with shaggy black fur. It ignored its owner's angry calls and chased rabbits in a field. The dog looked wild and free as he joyfully leaped around and galloped across the field.

"He reminds me of you, Sirius," Effie said with a knowing spark in her eyes.

Finding a nickname for Peter was far more difficult because they usually called him all sorts of names: from Petey to Little Worm, their imagination knew no limit. Peter didn't particularly like it, of course, but he never complained when they finally settled on Wormtail (given his obsessions with rats at that time).

"There's a lot of layers to the name when you think about it," James tried to argue when Peter seemed unsure.

"Moony" was born when a beautiful full moon graced the night sky in late November and they all stayed up late to admire it. Monty had allowed the Marauders to use his telescope, and they took it outside, taking turns to look through it in the crystal-clear night. Remus was telling his friends all about celestial bodies, planets, and galaxies. He talked the longest about the moon. It was well known amongst them that Remus had a special interest in the moon, and he rattled off fact after fact while the others stood by, listening with grins on their faces.

"What?" Remus finally asked after stopping mid-sentence about the moon landing.

The three other Marauders exchanged a quick look.

"I think it's obvious what your code name will be." Sirius smirked.

With the foundations of their secret club formed (map and codenames), they still needed a suitable hiding place for their secret meetings. The old oak tree would do well, as would the Pettigrews' attic, or the cliff face in the woods, or at least five other locations on their map.

"It's best if we have as many hiding spots as possible so no one will find out about us," James mused as they racked their brains over the many possibilities. The map was spread out between them, and they took turns pointing to drawings that could be shortlisted.

"Good idea," Sirius agreed. "The more, the better. But remember: these places are secret, and they should remain secret forever. We discovered them, and we are responsible for them, got it?"

His friends nodded solemnly.

"Okay, then," said James, exhaling slowly. "This is the official birth hour of the marauders."

They were all grins and giggles, fidgeting with excitement. They had done it; they had formed a secret club!

Of course, the seriousness of it all had faded over the years, with their club symbolizing their friendship more than a sacred unity, as it had been in their childish eyes. Still, they remained the marauders, and Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs became their nicknames to tease each other rather than communicate in a secret language. They never found out how much the girls had actually known about the club, but it was clear they knew more than the boys thought. As Remus had once put it: they were smarter than the boys gave them credit for.

***

James returned from India in the last week of summer holidays. The advancing August prompted them to spend the final hot days outside on the Potters' terrace – with freshly squeezed apple juice, cookies, and grapes that Effie had picked up at the supermarket.

Sirius, Peter, and Remus sat at the table in the shade, eagerly listening to the Potters' stories about their trip. James talked non-stop, jumping from one day to the next and from one place to another. Monty had to translate for the others to keep up with James' thoughts.

It was fun to watch his friend chatter away so excitedly, and it was particularly interesting to hear about India and the city where Effie's family lived.

"James was pretty sick on the flight over. We were afraid we might have to continue without him," Effie said, affectionately brushing a lock of James's tousled hair. He ducked his head.

"It wasn't that bad. Besides, you'd never have left me behind."

His parents exchanged amused glances.

"Well, you know..." Effie began, pretending to innocently gaze into the distance.

"I mean, it's India, James. India. You don't miss out on that," Monty explained deadpan, but it was clear they were joking.

Soon after that, James, Peter, and Sirius played a rather rough game of football in the garden. James had missed training with his mates and played more cunningly than ever before, making it almost impossible to snatch the ball from his possession.

After an hour, Sirius took a brief break to catch his breath and glanced over to the terrace, where Remus and Monty were engaged in a conversation about India. This time, however, without James's hard-to-follow babbling. Remus looked almost shy as he asked questions about traveling.

"Oi, watch out!" Peter shouted from the other side of the lawn, where he had just passed to Sirius, hoping to defend the goal. They played without teams, and whoever scored the most goals won. But because James was seven goals ahead, Peter had apparently decided to form an alliance with Sirius.

The ball – coming at Sirius with surprisingly fast speed – rolled past him, allowing James to easily chase after it, execute a complicated-looking manoeuvre, and score another goal.

"Wohoooo!" he cheered, and it was hard to blame him for it as he looked so happy you couldn't help but celebrate with him.

"Oi, Potter! You finally want some real competition?” A girl's voice called from the garden gate. Sirius turned around and saw four girls in pretty summer dresses walking towards the lawn.

Marlene - relatively tall for a girl, with an athletic figure and a blond ponytail - grinned invitingly and put her hands on her hips. She was the only one of the girls who wore practical shorts and a football jersey. 

"McKinnon!" James exclaimed enthusiastically. "You're always welcome to play a game with us!”

Sirius groaned internally. Great, from now on the game would be ten times more tiring.

"I can't believe you have the energy to exercise again, Marls." Lily laughed cheerfully. Her shock of red hair was wrapped in a blue cloth, shining in the orange evening light. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see James visibly mesmerized by her very presence. He washed his sweaty nose with the hem of his T-shirt.

"I swear, she's Wonder Woman or something…" Mary said, sitting down next to Remus. Mary was a really pretty girl, Sirius thought. Lately it seemed like she was putting a lot of effort into her look: she wore gold rings on her ears, and she had her hair styled in a chic afro over summer - just like that trend from the hippie scene.

"I like playing with Potter. He makes it interesting." Marlene said and stuck her tongue out at Mary.

Dorcas squeezed onto the bench between Mary and Remus. "Let her be crazy, she can't help it. Hey, Effie, do you have any leftovers from that delicious casserole by any chance?"

"Of course, my dear," Effie said, already on her feet. "Anyone else want some?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say no!" Peter exclaimed from the lawn, but James seemed to have other plans for him,

“Na-ah, we need you on the field, mate. Now it's two against two. Remus?”

"Hm?"

"I'm assuming you'd rather skip a round?"

"And the next few, too, please."

"Alright!" James shouted, summoning the rest of the players to clarify the rules.

They spent the afternoon playing game after game as the sun slowly disappeared behind the house, leaving the garden in a cool shadow. After a few hours, Sirius' shins felt sore and his feet ached from walking, so he asked for time off. Peter had gone to eat the casserole a long time ago and it sounded like a very good idea to do the same. James, being the kind man he was, let him go and started a penalty tournament with Marlene, where they switched the position of goalkeeper and scorer.

The rest were still sitting at the table, only Effie and Monty had gone inside, leaving the teenagers to themselves. Sirius went straight to the kitchen and loaded some of the casserole onto a plate. Outside, he sat down in an empty chair and tried to figure out what the current conversation was about.

The girls seemed to be having a rather heated discussion about a guy they had seen when they had picked Marlene up from football camp at lunchtime.

"I mean, have you seen him? He was proper fit. Come on Evans, even you can’t deny it!” Mary was saying loudly, leaning forward slightly so she could meet Lily's eyes. Her shoulders brushed those of Remus, who shifted a little uncomfortably on the bench. The subject wasn't particularly to his liking, obviously. Noticing Sirius, he grimaced.

"Mary MacDonald, should I remind you of Tom, your boyfriend?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow. "What does he think about you falling for every other fella you see for three seconds?"

"And only from behind," Dorcas interjected nonchalantly. She and Peter shared a plate and were fighting over the last bite with a fork.

Mary made an innocent gesture. “I can still tell if he looked good or not. Don’t you get it? I mean - look at Sirius for example.”

Sirius, with his fork halfway to his mouth, paused. All pairs of eyes turned to him.

"What now?" he asked with a grin, raising his eyebrow.

"Look at him!" Mary explained.

"Oh, yes, please, just look at this divine beauty! Aren't I irresistible?!” Sirius pretended to toss a glossy mane of hair behind his shoulders. Honestly, he had no idea what MacDonald was on about, but he enjoyed the attention.

"Hush, shut up. Don't let this get to your head. We all know how obnoxious you are about your looks.” Mary countered, shaking her head. "What I mean is that Sirius is a perfect example of someone where you can tell from one look at his back that he's good looking."

"It's because of my amazing hair and my generally cool-"

"Oh, absolutely fantastic, Mary.” Lily sighed. "Look what you've done to his ego.”

"I'm just stating the facts." Mary raised her hands in defence.

"I agree with her."

"Shut up, Black!" Remus and Peter both said in unison.

Later that evening, after they all got tired and decided it was time to go home, Sirius, Peter and Remus walked down the street together until they would have had to part.

"So, what happened to that lad the girls met at camp? You think one of them fancies him?” Sirius asked the other two.

"I doubt it," Remus said. "Like Lils said, they didn't even see his face. I think Mary is just joking.”

"That makes sense because it's not like Marlene to fancy a bloke, is it? I mean, it's more like Mary, and maybe Dorcas, too, but Marls's way too reasonable for that."

"Reasonable?!" Peter snorted. "I've seen her pull pranks that make ours look like favours!”

"Okay, I worded it wrong," Sirius replied, trying to think of a better way to sum up what he meant. Fortunately, Remus knew what he wanted to say.

"Maybe Marls has other interests than falling in love?"

"Exactly!" Sirius said eagerly. "In fact, to be honest, I'm pretty relieved about that."

"How come? Are you secretly after our friend?” Peter teased. Sirius shook him off in annoyance.

"Don't be silly, Wormy. I'm just relieved because we already have Mary and James acting like two doggies whenever their crush is involved. Can you imagine what it would be like if Marlene was like that, too? Terrible…"

Peter and Remus chuckled. They turned into the main street and said goodbye to Peter. 

Sirius and Remus strolled the rest of the way at a leisurely pace, neither of them too keen get home. Dusk was far advanced, and the lanterns gave off a sparse golden light.

"I still can't believe Mary thinks I'm a stunner simply because of my back..."

"For fuck's sake. I knew it was going to get to your head. As if you weren't conceited enough before."

"Conceited? You probably meant being aware of how abnormally good I look."

"No, I meant conceited."

Sirius punched Remus harmlessly in the side,

"Rude."

"Conceited."

***

On the last day of holidays, Mary burst into James' room with no warning, completely agitated. James and Sirius were in the middle of exchanging their latest football trading cards when the door suddenly flew open, causing James to drop the stack of cards.

"For goodness' sake, MacDonald, you can't just barge in like that on a poor frail man like me-"

"Shut it, Potter," Mary promptly interrupted him, acting as if she were about to deliver an important life-or-death message. "I have news."

"News?" Sirius exchanged a clueless look with James.

"Yes. And I think it'll be of particular interest to you," Mary said, pointing at him.

"What in the devils na-"

"I think it'll be easier to explain if you come along."

James immediately got up from bed. "What’re you on about? Did something happen?"

But Mary didn't answer him. She ran back down the stairs, leaving the boys with no choice but to follow her with hurried steps and pounding hearts.

"Jesus, Mary! Slow down a bit!" Sirius called out, picking up pace as Mary sprinted down the street into the valley.

"Come on, guys, why are you so slow? Potter, I thought you were an athlete!"

At the intersection leading to the main road, she turned left without slowing down. Sirius' heart skipped a beat.

"Wait!" he shouted after her and then to James, who was running alongside him, “You think she's headed to Grimmauld Place?"

"No idea, mate. But thanks to her, I won’t have to exercise tonight!"

When Mary finally stopped under a streetlight, Sirius knew for sure where she was heading.

"Why did you lead us to Grimmauld Place?!" he demanded, but Mary hushed and gestured for the two of them to stay hidden.

"Okay, listen up. When I was going to the bus stop this afternoon, just like any other afternoon to visit Dad, I saw a fancy car in the driveway of your house, Sirius. And I'm talking proper fancy, like Ferrari stuff."

"Probably a colleague of my father's," Sirius said impatiently, shrugging. Had Mary dragged them all the way here for this? Because she had seen a fancy car in the driveway—a situation not uncommon among the Blacks, considering Orion Black was a well-known businessman.

"That's what I thought at first," Mary continued. "But then I heard voices. Quite loud and agitated voices. From the garage, I think. They probably thought they were being discreet. Bullshit. Any random passerby could've heard them."

"Were they arguing?" James asked.

Mary nodded. "Pretty much, yeah. At first, it was hard to make out what they were arguing about. Something about betrayal and red numbers and layoffs. I was about to move on when they mentioned your name, Sirius."

"Mine?"

"Yeah. That obviously caught my attention. I was already late for the bus anyway. I missed it, but whatever, I'll wait an hour for the next one. Dad will understand."

"So, what did they say about Sirius then?" James pressed.

"Oh, right." Mary shrugged. "Not much, really. Like I said, they mentioned him by name once. It was about the power plant, that much was clear. And I think the other fella was a lawyer or something, he was wearing a suit and had a briefcase with him. And he kept trying to persuade your dad, but your dad was getting really angry and wouldn't listen."

"How funny," Sirius murmured humourlessly, "usually with my mother he's the one trying to talk to her while she gets so angry she develops ugly pimples..."

James casually placed a hand on his shoulder. "So, you couldn't figure out why they mentioned Sirius by name?"

Mary bit her lip. Now she seemed nervous. "I could be way off here, but... well, your dad mentioned honour and family heritage and all that stuff your family loves to go on about."

"Tojus Pur." Sirius said emotionless, as if someone had pushed a button. The Black family motto, how could he ever erase it from his mind? Mary's eyes brightened briefly, as if she'd just remembered something.

"Ah yes, he actually said that! He said Sirius, his son, wouldn't be up to the job, he fears. He said he had doubts about you and the power plant, that it was too much responsibility that you couldn't handle... and... I don't know, I don't think there was much more to come after that. I was getting really angry. Well, you know me. I was about to tell them a thing or two. But then I thought, what's the point?”

Bless Mary and her fearless heart when it came to speaking her mind.

"It's okay, you're right." Sirius agreed. "It's totally stupid anyway. I don't want that bloody power plant or anything it stands for. Reggie can do it; I don't give two fucks."

"Oh, I thought-"

"I don't want to be involved in this. My family's business is as terrible as anything they do."

"Yeah," James agreed. “The Blacks are known for their corrupt dealings. Why would Sirius ever want to be a part of it?"

"You really don't mind about what your father said about you?"

It certainly wasn't anything he hadn't been told to his face before.

"Not in the slightest."

Mary didn't seem convinced. She smiled sympathetically. James patted him on the back again in a natural gesture and though he didn't do it out of pity but out of support, Sirius wanted to scream out loud that they didn't have to feel sorry for him, he was fine, he didn't need any empathetic gestures or gentle looks.

"Oh, I forgot one more thing," Mary said after a beat.

"What?"

"Regulus."

"What about him?" Sirius tried to remain indifferent, but his younger brother had always been a sore point of his.

"He came out, after a while. Maybe he's been listening, because he came quite suddenly and just when your father started talking about the second brother, the younger one, who will one day take over the seat as managing director."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Bah," he said derisively, crossing his arms over his chest. Typical. It was just typical. Typical of his father and typical of his little brother. It was almost laughably predictable.

"I bet the little git wanted to hear everything about Fathers big, wonderful plans for his future to get involved right away when he has the perfect opportunity to do so."

"It didn't look like it. It seemed like he was trying to stop your father from continuing to praise him.”

But Sirius knew better. That's the way it was with the Blacks: if you were good enough, you were good enough for your parents. If you weren't good enough, you were garbage. Then you could do whatever you wanted; Write straight A's, play the piano like Beethoven, speak four different languages - it didn't matter what. If you let your parents down, you wouldn't get their credit and love and care (if you could even call it that with the Blacks). Either one or the other brother was good enough.

Sirius wasn't good enough for them, hadn't been since his very first steps and never would be. He was glad that at least Regulus didn't have to live with the consequences that followed because of that.

"Anyway," he said defensively, glancing over at the house that stood there indefinitely. "I don't care about all that shit. If Regulus is happy with it, then fine.”

A bush rustled next to them, and Sirius tore out one leaf at a time to avoid seeing his friends' reactions. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mary cast a concerned questioning look at James, who answered with a barely noticeable shake of his head. James knew the most about how Sirius felt about his family, and as such, he would never question his opinion of the Blacks.

"It’s kind you told me, Mary. But... it's not as bad as you think it is. It's nothing I can't handle.”

"Okay," Mary said, giving him a tight smile. "If you think so."

"Well then, if everything’s sorted now, may I ask why you brought us all this way?" James scolded, pulling a blank face to lighten the mood. Mary nodded toward the driveway that snaked up to the house a few yards away and was framed by a myriad of dark fir trees,

"I thought they might still be outside so we could eavesdrop, but apparently the lawyer drove away, and your father and brother went inside."

"I can't think of a reason I'd want to overhear their conversation." Sirius replied, annoyed. He was getting bored.

"Alright, prick, I get it!" Mary remarked, rolling her eyes. "I just thought you might be interested, that's all."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but James raised his hands soothingly,

"Alrighty Pals, how about we go back to my place and have some ice cream? Mary how about you, you have a few minutes?”

Mary looked at her watch and nodded. "Twenty minutes, then the bus comes back, and you know what Gerald is like when you're late."

"Splendid," James smiled contentedly and started walking. "Off we go!"

***

Sirius didn't think about this event again for the rest of summer. He wasn't lying when he said he didn't care. It was just how his family worked. Orion and Walburga had no qualms about their honest opinions. The fact that their sons' feelings might be hurt was as irrelevant to them as the day-to-day events of Godric's Hollow.

And Regulus had long been the better brother of them. He'd only just turned fourteen, yet he seemed to have understood life with the Blacks so much better than Sirius ever will. It was probably because Sirius had long since stopped trying to live up to expectations and live by the rules. What even was a life worth in a cage? The whole world was waiting for him, in all its glorious beauty!

If he could, he would escape. Well, escape was such a dramatic word. His situation might’ve felt unfair, but it wasn't dramatic. People have had to deal with much worse things. Running away were the words that would be more appropriate. Sirius Black wanted to run away. But he couldn't. Not yet.

Chapter Text

September was already drawing to a close and the leaves on the trees were turning red and yellow when Sirius first stumbled across the new record store that would soon become his second home.

Above the store hang a bar with red letters proclaiming the name: "Rock&Sound".

Sirius was on his way to buy some snacks for himself and his friends before class started at the corner shop, as he did every school day, when he noticed that the old building between the barber and baby clothes shop was being renovated.

He put his forehead against the cold pane of the window, peering into the lightless room. A sign stated the hours of operation and a narrow banner that read: 'NEW OPENING ON MONDAY SEPTEMBER 27!' had been hung at the top of the window.

His heart jumped happily as he realized what kind of store this was. He could just make out the rock band posters on the walls and the shelves that lined the aisle. A music store!

He ran back to school as fast as he could, almost crashing into a parked car and tripping over a curb, but it was worth it. In the schoolyard in front of the building, the others stood impatiently waiting for him to come back.

He came to a halt, breathing heavily and his sides aching. "You won't believe what I just discovered!"

James frowned at him. "You took forever!”

"The first bell has already rung and I'm writing a biology test, Black, I told you that a hundred times yesterday." Marlene said impatiently, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Forget the snacks. I got better things to say."

"Please don't say you didn't get any," Lily said, sounding upset.

"No snacks?!" Peter exclaimed desperately. “How am I supposed to endure double math? Sirius, you had exactly one job!"

"Calm your tits everyone, bloody hell." Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'll sneak out first break and get you some if you really want it."

"Careful, Black, you've already had a detention earlier this week and it's only Wednesday."

"Aw Lupin, it's really touching how much you care for me."

Remus shook his head almost imperceptibly. A mark of amusement Sirius knew all too well.

"Spit it out already. What was so important that you couldn't buy snacks?” James asked, adopting a wait-and-see attitude.

Sirius mouth formed a wide grin. "Oh, Prongs, how kind of you to ask me. Hold on tight my dear friends because this is what we've all been waiting for!”

They looked at him with blank faces, obviously not understanding the life-changing news they were about to hear.

"Remember that empty building on Emmet Street? Well, it's not empty anymore.” He paused to increase the tension. However, his friends remained silent, so he continued. "It's a music store. In good old Dornfield. Well, what do you say about that?!”

The second bell rang. A few students who had still been in the schoolyard rushed into the building.

Mary cleared her throat, assuming the same resigned attitude as Marlene next to her. "You're kidding, right?"

"Um,"

"I have to go. Mrs Fletcher will freak out if I'm late..."

Sirius watched as Marlene shouldered her schoolbag and turned to go.

"Wait, I'm coming with you!" Lily called and followed her, waving as she left.

"Has anyone seen Dorcas?" Mary asked around. "She wanted to give me her English homework to copy."

"She has the first period off," Peter replied. Sirius felt like he was in the wrong movie.

"Excuse me, hello? Didn't you understand what I just said?"

"Yes, we did Padfoot," James said with an apologetic look on his face. His forehead got that sympathetic frown he always did when he felt someone wasn't getting enough attention. "That's pretty neat, eh? Now you can finally stop listening to the same three Albums from Mr MacDonald.”

"Hey, nothing against my father's taste in music!" Mary replied angrily.

"He's sort of right, though." Sirius said. "Your dad has four, maybe five good records."

"Ohh, I'm so sorry that the tastes of the highborn Sirius Black can't be satisfied! I'll see you at lunch. I'll spend the breaks with Tom.” And with that she turned and stalked away.

A somewhat awkward silence spread over the four remaining boys.

"Well, let me guess..." Remus murmured. "You go straight to the store after school, and we won't see you again for the next two or three weeks?"

"Oh, how I'd love to do just that. But the store doesn't open until the twenty-seventh. And until then, for better or for worse, I'll have to wait."

"A shame, really!" Remus exclaimed in mock indignation. "How can they do this to you?"

Peter and James chuckled.

"Well, I guess you're going to have to be patient these two days," James said, putting an arm around Sirius' shoulders. The four of them went towards the entrance. Leisurely and without haste, because the lesson had long since begun and the few minutes didn't matter anyway.

"What's the first record you'll buy?"

"Moony, that's not an easy question, and requires intense study of the selection the store has to offer. Maybe some classics like the Stones. And you can’t go wrong with Led Zeppelin."

They reached the old front door and tried to climb the stairs with four men side by side at the same time - and failed. Laughing, they squeezed shoulder to shoulder between the wall and the banister until Remus finally gave in, hurrying out a flight of stairs. That game might have worked when they were seven-year-old skinny boys, but it wasn't quite so easy when they were lanky teenagers.

"Am I the only one who never noticed that that building was empty?" Peter asked when they finally reached the classroom on third floor.

James gave Peter a punch to the back of the head, laughing. "Honestly, Pete, one should have your memory..."

They stopped in front of the physics room where Sirius and Remus were having their first lesson of the day. In his head, Sirius knew, Remus was forming a watertight excuse that would save them from detention. 

***

Sirius didn't go to the corner shop during break as promised, but stayed at school with his friends, waiting until the last bell would finally release them.

The school in Dornfield was old and never heated, even in the cold winter. Every student knew each other at least by sight so secrets never stayed secret for long. There was a single school yard with two benches and a football goal that had been broken for several years. The chairs in the classrooms were made of old wood and those who were clever took a pillow with them to make the long sitting bearable. The faculty consisted of old bastards, as Sirius liked to call them, but there were a few good ones. For example, Mrs McGonagall, the English teacher, was strict but fair. And besides, she had a soft spot for the kids from Godric's Hollow, who were often considered the misfits among the town kids.

When the bell finally rang for the last time that day, announcing the long-awaited end of school, Sirius and Mary, who had French in last period, found James, Lily, Marlene and Dorcas standing in a circle in the entrance hall, talking to someone Sirius couldn't see from afar. However, as they got closer, he identified the person who was talking to Lily, skilfully ignoring the others. With a hunched posture and greasy black hair that fell in a thin curtain over his eyes, Severus Snape, founder and sole member of the how-to -become-a-disgusting-person-club, rather desperately tried to convince Lily of something.

"But we used to do that a lot, before you descended on Potter and the rest of the lot," he was saying. Sirius was about to say something sneaky when Lily, red-cheeked and determined-mouthed, forestalled him,

"I don't see why I should act like nothing happened. You really hurt me with what you said, Sev. Besides, I hate it when you talk bad about my friends!"

Severus looked hurt for a split second beneath his stubborn mask. But then he pulled his mouth into a mocking line. "Hard to believe what has become of you. You lot from Godric's Hollow are such pathetic little creatures. You stink of horse shit and old shoes!”

"Better than smelling like rotten eggs," Sirius replied. Lily, who hadn't noticed him coming, jumped in shock. Severus twisted his face into a grimace.

"And who asked you to give your opinion?"

"No one actually. I'm just assuming that, unlike yours, my opinion is always welcome because, unlike you, I'm actually saying something that's true."

"Fuck off Black, no one wants you here."

"Well, that's funny because I got the impression that you're the one nobody wants around here."

Severus glared at him with seething eyes.

"He's right," James interjected - ever the voice of reason. "I think you should just leave us and especially Lily alone."

"Stay out of this, Potter," Snape sneered. "Mad bunch." He cast one last bitter glance at Lily before finally strolling off.

"God, I can't stand that guy," Dorcas remarked.

"He gives me the absolute creeps," Marlene agreed.

"Are you okay?" James asked Lily, who had her arms wrapped around herself, shaking her head as she watched Severus walk away.

"He just doesn't know what he's talking about."

"Ohh, I think he knows exactly what he's saying, love," Mary said with raised eyebrows, chewing gum.

"What the hell did he even want from you?" Sirius asked, already suspecting the answer. Lily had known Snape as long as the rest of the group, since first year. But unlike the others, Lily had never had a problem with him. In fact, she had even gone as far as to spend time with him outside of school.

It had always been like this: Some breaks Lily spent with them, and other breaks she spent with Severus. She always tried to bring these two opposites to peace by insisting that neither was as bad as the other thought.

But none of them had a heart as kind and tolerant as she did. Well, perhaps James did, but he didn't like Snape for various reasons. One of them was the fact that Snape was deeply and ruthlessly in love with Lily. The problem? James was also deeply and ruthlessly in love with her. Actually, he has been for as long as he had known her. That was probably his great sorrow, although he would never admit it.

Lily explained to Sirius that Snape had tried to convince her to "hang out at his place", after saying a pretty nasty thing to her last week (she didn't want to reveal more about it).

"He's been so bitter, lately. He can't stand that I'm mates with you, even though that's nothing new - after all, I grew up with you."

"That's his problem," James said, and the others murmured in agreement.

"Anyway," Lily sighed. "Let's go to the bus, we're late."

"Where are Peter and Remus?" Sirius asked, looking around. They should have been here long ago. Both had maths together with Marlene and Dorcas.

"Remus wanted to discuss something with Mr Miller," Marlene said. "Something about a homework assignment or something,"

"And Peter?"

"Has detention."

"Oh God," James groaned. "What did he do?"

Marlene and Dorcas exchanged an amused look.

"The question is rather, what didn't he do," Marlene chuckled.

"He didn't hand in the homework three times in a row," Dorcas explained.

"Poor thing. He's struggling so much with maths," Mary said sympathetically, shaking her head.

"They'll be fine. There's another bus in an hour, but if we don't leave now, we'll miss ours," Lily said, looking at James's watch.

They headed towards the bus stop, where the rickety old bus was already waiting for them. Gerald, a bony man with unusually long fingers and perpetually bad mood, was leaning against the open door with a cigarette in his mouth. When he saw them coming, he whistled impatiently and threw the still burning fag on the asphalt.

"Oh look, you brats are finally here," he grumbled. They all murmured an apology as they boarded one by one.

Lily's older sister, Petunia, was already sitting on a bench, staring stubbornly and extremely grumpy out the window. Lily sat down next to her, but they didn't greet each other. Not even a twitch of the head or any other sign indicated that one had noticed the other. Peter's two siblings were also present. They all looked remarkably alike: the same ash blonde hair and rosy cheeks. The older one of them, Ollie, was now in his last year of school and would go to university next year with the help of a rugby scholarship. Marlene's twin brothers were sitting right behind Gerald, annoying him as usual throughout the entire ride.

And finally, in the very back row and with his backpack demonstratively placed next to him so that no one could there, crouched Regulus, Sirius's younger brother.

Sirius nodded at him, but he didn't react. It was hard to tell whether he was in a bad or good mood; that could only be indicated by a barely noticeable eyebrow raise. While Sirius's emotions were often like an open book, always displayed without filter, Regulus's emotions remained behind carefully closed doors, never visible to others. The Black brothers, Sirius thought, were two completely different results of the same household.

"There are still two missing," Gerald grumbled. The smell of tobacco emanating from him, as if it were his perfume, was noticeable throughout the entire bus.

"They're still at school," James replied.

"Not my problem," Gerald grunted and slammed the door shut.

Gerald was the driver of the only bus that went from Dornfield to Godric's Hollow. He drove every hour for twenty minutes from one place to the other, usually with a bit of delay, as he didn't take punctuality too seriously. He was angry every time the students were a few minutes late, even though hardly anyone else used the bus. According to Gerald, his job was very important because without him there was no other connection. If you missed the bus, you just had to wait.

Sirius thought of Remus, who was probably staying because of a nerdy question about solving a problem and would now have to wait an hour.

The bus rattled off, and Sirius sat down next to Mary. During the ride, she painted his arms with a pen, and when they reached Godric's Hollow after bumpy twenty minutes with several near accidents, both of his arms were adorned with funny comic faces.

The Godric's Hollow Kids walked up the main street, and their paths gradually separated; each went to their own house, where the parents were already waiting with a cooked meal.

At Sirius's house, no one would be waiting for him. Dinner usually didn't start until later, around eight or nine o'clock. Before that, Orion would be in his study with work and Walburga with matters she never wanted to explain, while one of the house staff prepared the food.

It was windy and cold, the trees next to the narrow street rustled and whispered mysteriously. Sirius was freezing in his leather jacket and stuck his hands deep into his pockets. Regulus walked a bit ahead of him, his dark hair swirling to the rhythm of the wind.

"Wait a second!" Sirius called out and stopped.

Regulus didn't react so Sirius called out to him again.

"What?" he asked coolly, turning to face him.

"I forgot something on the bus. I'll go and see if it's still there. You go ahead."

"What am I supposed to tell them?"

Sirius hesitated. His brother stood completely still, his face emotionless and composed. He was as dark as the approaching twilight, which made him almost imperceptible, if it weren't for the paper-white skin and pink lips.

People had always told them how much they resembled each other, and although they might not have been wrong, Sirius had never been able to see it.

“Tell them I come later. Or something else, I dunno."

Regulus' cool eyes became a tad cooler.

"They'll be livid if you're not on time."

"I know."

"They'll also punish me if I can't come up with a good enough excuse for you."

Sirius paused. "I know, Reg. I'll be back on time. It won't take long."

Regulus seemed to weigh his options. "Alright, then," he said curtly.

And with that, he turned away and continued his way. Sirius watched him for a moment. He almost followed him, but then he convinced himself that it would be fine and walked in the opposite direction.

Sirius hadn't forgotten anything on the bus. He simply had the idea to wait for Remus and discuss the matter with the record store again. They hadn't had enough time for it, in his opinion.

The bus stop in Godric's Hollow was at the entrance to the village and consisted of a wooden post symbolically announcing that the bus would stop there. The road bordered a cow pasture, so Sirius climbed onto the wall that fenced the pasture.

He pulled out his schoolwork and pencil, figuring he might as well do something useful while he waited. Remus would surely be proud of him.

His back ached terribly from the hunched posture he had taken while writing, and his butt froze like hell as he finally heard the tires of the bus squealing after what felt like an eternity. He looked up and saw the bus come to a stop next to the wall. The door flew open, and Peter's blonde head appeared.

"Sirius? What're you doing here?" he asked, surprised. Remus, who came out after him, stopped on the steps and hesitated before hopping down.

"Hey there, Gerald!" Sirius greeted the bus driver with a grin. "Off duty for today?"

Gerald lit a cigarette and muttered something incomprehensible before closing the door and speeding off.

"How was school?"

"Pretty long and exhausting," Peter complained. "I'm famished, so if you don't mind, I'll rush home now because mum made spaghetti.”

“Definitely worth leaving me.”, Sirius said.

Peter gave a thumbs up. "She'll give me hell when she finds out I had detention," he said before jogging off.

Sirius watched Remus, who looked after Peter with a furrowed brow. He seemed exhausted; his curls were tousled, and his clothes wrinkled.

"Why did you wait for us?" he asked with a puzzled voice. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"To be honest, I was waiting for you, Moony," Sirius replied. Remus raised an eyebrow sceptically.

"Why?"

"Why did you stay at school?"

"Seriously, Black? A counterquestion?"

Sirius shrugged.

Remus sighed. "Well, if you must know: Mr Miller offered me to attend a course in higher mathematics yesterday."

This time it was Sirius who raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"You mean, you wouldn't be in the same class as the others anymore?"

"No, it means that I would have additional hours in the higher mathematics course, on top of the ones I already have. And I already did go to one. Today, to be exact."

"But that's way too much!" Sirius exclaimed incredulously.

"Not necessarily," Remus said casually. "It's just two extra hours on Tuesday and Saturday. I'm already at school on Saturdays because I tutor the sixth graders. I don't mind staying an hour longer."

"That's... that's insane! You barely have any free time, and now you want to take additional courses that are on Tuesday evenings and Saturdays on top of everything?"

"Where's the problem? If anything, it's excellent preparation for university," Remus defended himself.

"University? I can't believe you're already thinking about that. You're fifteen, damn it, you shouldn't be worrying about this yet!"

"But I have to, if I want to get out of here!" Remus shot back with a sour expression, and oh, Sirius had done it now; he had torn the fine, thin thread that held Remus's calm facade together and was now confronted with a completely different person.

Arguing with Remus was both exhilarating and frightening, as whenever arguments escalated, something between them got lost.

For a moment, he saw a fight happening between them. Remus would insist on how important the university decision was for him, and Sirius would argue that he shouldn't rush, that he needed to slow down, or he'd end up with grey hair and a cane at thirty.

But he knew better. Remus's situation wasn't the same as his; Remus didn't have money to rely on. For him, there was no Plan B, nor Plan C or D. For him, there was only Plan A that had existed for years, and that meant he wanted to get far away from home. And that as soon as somehow possible.

Because Sirius didn't want to argue with him, he took a deep breath and adopted a calm tone.

"Alright then. If you think so. This course will surely help. And if that's what you want, then you should accept the offer."

"I already did." 

There was a pause as they both looked at each other, contemplating how different their lives and ways of thinking were. It wasn't that Sirius didn't want to leave this place one day. It was just that he didn't stress about it; he saw no reason to rush his departure. Remus, on the other hand, had no choice but to calculate every single step and everything he said or did, down to the smallest detail, just to have a chance to leave.

"What's the reason you waited for me?" Remus asked after a while.

Sirius welcomed this change of topic. "I wanted to ask if you want to go to the opening of the record store with me."

"Me?"

"Yeah, why not? You're the only person I know with good taste in music. It's almost flawless."

"Oh, thank you so much, Black," Remus said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"So, what do you say? You free on the twenty-seventh?"

"Believe it or not, I actually am."

"Perfect," Sirius grinned contentedly.

"You couldn't have asked me this tomorrow at school?"

"I take the saying 'live in the moment' very seriously."

"And what do your parents say about you not being home yet?"

Sirius swallowed. He thought of Regulus, who had to greet the parents alone and explain to them where his brother was. "They probably haven't even noticed that I'm not there."

"Bullshit," said Remus, and he was right. They had noticed because they demanded that their sons find them to say hello as soon as they came home from school. "Is Reg covering for you?"

"Yeah."

A pause, then: "I think you should go home before it gets ugly."

"Hm, you're probably right..."

Sirius looked at his shoes to avoid Remus's penetrating gaze.

"Sirius."

"Hm?"

"Did you wait for me so you wouldn't have to go home earlier?"

"What? Nah, come on," Sirius said with forced nonchalance, but Remus wasn't deterred.

"How bad is it right now? You know that Effie and Monty are practically waiting to take you in."

"I know," Sirius replied, sharper than intended, feeling irritated. "But it's more complicated than you think."

He hated it. He hated being the one who stood out because of his family situation, becoming a kind of broken bird in a cage that people pitied. He knew his friends only wanted to help. But God knows how difficult it was to make them understand what was really happening in the Black household. Then they would understand why he couldn't just pack his bags and move in with the Potters, even though he wished for nothing more.

"Okay," Remus said, straightening the strap of his school bag on his shoulder. "I just wanted to remind you."

Sirius nodded and jumped down from the wall. He saw no reason to continue discussing this topic. As soon as his feet touched the ground and was face to face with Remus, he suddenly realized how tall the boy had actually grown, just as James had claimed in summer.

Maybe Remus was right about this university stuff. Maybe it really was time to start thinking about it. Sirius tried to banish this thought from his mind.

"Alright then. You wanna walk with me?" Sirius asked, shouldering his backpack.

The sun had almost set, peeking out only between the fronts of the houses. What remained was a dark blue sky typical of September and an unmistakable smell of freshly made hay. Birds chirped in the trees, and the leaves whispered in the rhythm of the wind. October would soon come, bringing with it the change of nature. Halloween would make its spooky comeback, and Christmas would be around the corner, cheerfully heralding the new year.

But at the moment, Sirius was walking towards a place he had to call home as he always did when the school day was over. He was glad to have the company of a good mate, and they talked until they couldn't anymore; until their paths diverged and they had to say goodbye.

***

In Godric's Hollow, twelve families resided. Seven of them were closely connected by the fact that over the years, a long-standing friendship had developed among them. Additionally, seven children from these families and one from a family that always remained outside of this circle had grown up together and knew each other inside and out. Some of these children had siblings, but none of them seemed to share the same unwavering unity and profound familiarity with their siblings as they did with each other.

In this small rustic village, it was not uncommon for the seven families to come together at festivities and celebrate together or adorn the streets with lanterns and garlands, bring homemade cookies or freshly picked apples to each other, and linger at the garden fences to have a chat with neighbours.

Four farms lay slightly outside of Godric's Hollow and were therefore not as closely connected with the other families. But one family, whose estate stood at the other end of the village amidst whistling pines and firs, always kept out of the lives of the others and was known for their disdainful attitude towards them.

The Blacks - a family of four, consisting of the father, mother, and two sons - had lived for generations in the secluded villa on Grimmauld Place, keeping their lives shrouded between those old and haunted walls.

Walburga, the mother, meticulously ensured that her sons adhered to the old norms and traditions of the family, and if they did not, a punishment followed.

When Sirius knocked at the front door that day, late and hungry, the housemaid opened the door and looked at him with her watery eyes, concerned.

"Oh, boy, you're late," she whispered and took his backpack. "Your family is already in the dining room expecting the main course. The appetizer is over, but maybe there's still something left..."

"I doubt Mother will allow me to eat any of it since I'm late."

He followed a narrow corridor, lined with musty carpets, all emerald green and washed out, until he reached the dining room. He took a deep breath before entering.

The smell of roast was the first thing that hit him. Then he looked into the eyes of his father, who sat at the head of the long table and thus had a perfect view of the double doors. He set aside the napkin with which he had just dabbed his mouth and folded his hands on the table.

"Sirius."

Just one simple word - his name - and he felt a shiver run down his spine.

Walburga who sat at the other end, spun around. She looked angry, with her sparkling eyes and the ever-stern crease that brought her eyes into an unsmoothed posture.

"How nice of you to finally grace us with your presence," she hissed, and Sirius' skin crawled. He sat down on his chair, opposite Regulus, who listlessly poked at his roast, avoiding his gaze. What had he told them?

"I'm sorry, Mother. I, um-"

"If you're too stupid for school to keep up properly, you should have told us much earlier," Walburga interrupted sternly.

"I... what?!"

"If we had known, we would have arranged you a private tutor long ago. You must surely know better than to accept the ridiculous offer of a teacher," she continued.

"Sorry, I can't follow..."

"Sirius," Orion barked curtly. "Before you get cheeky again, you should first explain to us the background of your thoughts that led you to this absurd idea."

Sirius stared at Regulus, who innocently took a sip from his glass. "What did you tell them?" He demanded to know. Regulus shrugged, a delicate movement that would have escaped the notice of other people who didn't know him so well.

"Just what you told me today. That you're having trouble with French and therefore want to attend Mrs Wilson's tutoring after school."

Was Sirius mistaken, or was there actually a hint of malicious joy in his response? Cursed be Regulus and his fine understanding of subtly getting back at him.

"Trouble with French? Sirius, that's a shame for your ancestors. A shame!" Walburga exclaimed angrily. She exchanged a look with Orion. "This is... this is just laughable! Never has such a thing happened in the Black family, that one is too dumb for school!"

"You're in what- tenth grade?! One would think a little child could manage that," Orion laughed loudly, nearly choking on a piece of meat.

Sirius didn’t tell him he was actually in eleventh grade.

"Imagine, our son! Raised with French for years and still can't speak it properly!" Walburga shook her head, and Orion laughed again, this time more vigorously. A mischievous, wicked expression gleamed in Walburga's eyes. She enjoyed making Sirius the butt of jokes.

"A foolish little lamb, too stupid for school," she exulted, and Orion still hiccupped. "Sirius, the first thing you'll do tomorrow morning is to immediately cancel the tutoring. You tell your teacher you've made a mistake. And if the next grade is not absolutely acceptable, we'll get you a private tutor. Is that understood?"

His mother's voice was hard and angular, like a sharp stone that one feared might cut. He hated how everything in his body automatically clenched.

He nodded.

"Good. After dinner, you'll help Katrina with the dishes and fetch the newspaper tomorrow morning. Let Jacob tell you where to get it."

Sirius nodded again. He had expected a punishment. He was about to pick up his fork when Walburga slapped his hand.

"And I forbid you to spend time with the others after school. You are to be in your room and focus on your work and nothing else."

He would have liked to protest - would have liked to throw a thousand things at her and yell; words he had always wanted to say to her.

But he kept his mouth shut because he knew better. She was upset, and he didn't want to make it worse. He gripped the fork tighter, whitening his knuckles, and ordered his knee to stop trembling. He stared at her, hoping to express his anger and everything he couldn't say in that moment.

"Sure," he gritted his teeth. "Can I eat now?

For the rest of the evening, it was as usual, silent and cool, the only sounds being the clinking of silverware and the crackling of the roaring fire in the fireplace. Sirius occasionally cast furtive glances at Regulus, all of which he ignored.

Oh, what he would do to be in someone else's body right now. Anyone, no matter what person - as long as it meant he would be in a different place, too.

Chapter Text

October 31st was considered the holiest holiday among the kids of Godric's Hollow. Not even Christmas or New Year's received the same weeks-long anticipation and the intense focus on costumes.

Every year, the eight of them would take the bus into town to dress up for the occasion. Because there was no costume shop, they had to go to a fabric store. Their parents would sew the costumes afterwards. Sirius was glad that Effie had been making his costume for several years now, as she was a master at her craft. Nevertheless, it was Dorcas, who received her costume pieced together by her grandmother, who was crowned the winner of the unofficial costume competition year after year.

She wore elaborate dresses with lace and petticoats, self-made witch hats, and matching amulets that she was allowed to borrow from Vola Meadowes. The reason for her annual costume choice was probably the fact that both her grandmother and her mother made a little side income as fortune tellers in addition to the herb shop down in town.

On the morning of Halloween night, Sirius waited outside the Meadowes' house to be let in. A painted eye with long lashes in a milky sphere looked at him from the wooden door. Below that was a small wooden sign: "Meadowes - Fortune Telling and Tarot Since 1934."

He knocked again, as there was no doorbell. Through the red and blue stained glass, he just caught a glimpse of a figure before the door opened.

Lucien Meadowes stood before him, with a wooden spoon in hand and a dirty apron around his neck. He smiled warmly.

"Ah, Sirius, how nice to see you. Come in. Dorcas is upstairs in her room."

He opened the door a little wider so Sirius could enter and hurried back to the kitchen. Once Sirius was in the hallway, a smell of different herbs and exotic teas wafted into his nose. The wallpaper depicted bright stars on a dark background. In the pictures on the crooked wall were family members from old times at fairs in stuffy tents or during a session in dark rooms, with mysterious smoke around their heads.

"Do you want to eat something? I'm making breakfast."

"Yeah, thanks," Sirius replied, hanging his coat on a wooden bench.

Lucien Meadowes was a professional cook and quite a good one at that. At the age of twenty, he had come to England to start his culinary training in London. He had worked in numerous Michelin-starred restaurants before meeting Vola Meadowes during a short stay in Dornfield. Lucien loved to tell this story.

"Have a seat, I'll call Dorcas down. She told me you want to make some last-minute changes to the costumes?"

Sirius told him about their plans while Lucien placed bacon and eggs on a plate, seasoned it, and then placed it on the table. Then he rushed upstairs to fetch his daughter.

Sirius was pouring some tea when Vola entered the kitchen. She was tall and wore impressively braided hair adorned with gold jewellery. She greeted Sirius with a friendly smile as she sat down next to him.

"How nice of you to join us for breakfast," she said with her slightly smoky, peculiar voice and interesting accent. "I'm afraid I won't be able to eat with you for long, though. A client will be coming soon. Can you believe it? She called me yesterday, hysterically, claiming she had seen the ghost of her deceased mother-in-law. Absolute nonsense, if you ask me."

"How could she have seen it?" Sirius asked interestedly. It was always exciting to listen to her talk about her work. She had such an unusual profession that constantly invited unusual stories. For instance, once she had a customer from Austria who wanted to have his fortune told. Shortly after he had left the house with tears in his eyes, got into his car, and drove away with screeching tires. The other mothers, who had been chatting on the opposite side of the street, had heard everything, and wondered for days what Vola Meadowes, who was considered gentle, might have told the poor man.

"Well," she sighed discontentedly, playing with one of her countless bracelets. "Presumably, she saw nothing more than a shadow in her own reflection. That can happen when people are not completely at peace with themselves. They see something completely different than themselves in the mirror."

"What’re you going to do with the client now?"

"I'll counsel her on how to come to terms with herself. She and her mother-in-law never had a good relationship, and now that she's dead, she regrets it. A simple session should be enough."

At that moment, Dorcas entered the room. She wore striped pyjamas and her eyes were still small from sleep.

"Good morning," Vola greeted her, affectionately stroking her cheek. Dorcas sat down on a chair and drank from Sirius' cup.

"Hey, that's mine-"

"Don't care. If you're going to wake me up at such an inhumane hour, I can do what I want."

"Didn't we agree on half past eight yesterday?" Sirius retorted, raising his eyebrows. "You said, and I quote, no problem, you're welcome to have breakfast with us-"

Dorcas made a long, snorting sound with her mouth. "Forget what I said. Obviously, I wasn't right in my mind."

"Eat your bacon, then you'll soon be bright and cheerful," Lucien said, returning to the stove and stirring something in a huge pot.

After breakfast they went upstairs to her room to get to work.

Their goal was to put the finishing touches on Sirius' costume. After retrieving his costume from Dorcas' wardrobe (he had stored it with her so it wouldn't accidentally be discovered by Walburga), they visited her grandmother, hoping she would help them.

Despite her advanced age, she was still impressively lively, although every time Sirius encountered her, she was sitting in a rocking chair, looking out the window.

"A weak immune system," Dorcas had once explained.

She wore hand-knitted cardigans and a plethora of scarves. She had tied her thick braids into a gigantic bun, held in place with colourful pins. An oversized pair of glasses sat on her bulbous nose, magnifying her eyes at least six times. Sirius thought that due to her peculiar look, she embodied by far the most interesting character in Godric's Hollow.

The room she lived in was filled with mirrors and shelves, all filled with textbooks about fortune telling. On the dresser lay a worn-out deck of tarot cards. Some of the cards were so frayed that it was difficult to make out the motif. The room smelled strongly of cinnamon and cat hair, and after a few seconds, Sirius found himself in a foggy state, probably because she had lit every candle she owned despite the early hour, bathing the room in a dim light.

"So," said the grandmother with her typical melodious voice. "how can I help you?"

***

"Come on, hurry up."

"Would you please go back to your lookout post, as I ordered you to?"

"Your parents aren't even here."

"But they could come back any moment."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Fine..."

He walked back to the stairs next to the front door, where he could warn James in time if his parents were to return. It was ridiculous. The Potters were over at Mrs MacDonald's, bringing her fresh honey. Knowing them, they would probably chat for hours.

James was currently standing on a chair in the dining room, inspecting the booze stored in a cupboard. It was a delicate job figuring out which wine or whiskey could be taken without being noticed.

Not that James and Sirius had borrowed from the supply too often. Only once, on Sirius's last birthday, had they thought it would be fun do try some. They had gotten away with it only because Monty was very forgetful and had thought he had given the missing bottle of liquor to a colleague for their birthday.

"Did you find anything?" Sirius called out, boredly gazing out the window. It had been raining all day, and now the streets were filled with black puddles.

No answer.

"Hellooooo?"

Still no answer. When James was focused, one could build a rocket to Mars beside him, and he still wouldn't look up from his work.

Sirius adjusted the string around his neck, tying together the dark red cloak. At least his costume was pretty good this year. He had even found devil horns at the fabric store, and Dorcas's grandmother had successfully shortened the long cloak at the ends so it wouldn't drag on the wet ground anymore.

"James, we're running late, and I don't think it's advisable to be late to your own party!"

There was a squeaky sliding sound on freshly polished wooden floor, and shortly after, James went to Sirius, holding a glass bottle with no label. His grin revealed a set of crooked vampire teeth, with two points overlapping his mouth.

He proudly held the bottle under Sirius's nose.

"There's your whiskey."

"You sure it's whiskey? There's nothing written on it."

James shrugged. "At least it smells like it."

"Whatever, booze is booze. Come on now, the others will be here any moment, and I still need to sort out the records we'll be playing."

"You and your strange obsession with old-fashioned music. We have so many CDs..." James grumbled, following him out into the damp evening.

"But they lack style." 

In the barn, James switched on the light. Five pairs of sheep eyes stared expectantly at them.

"Creepy..." Sirius joked, walking over to a workbench where he had placed Mary's small record player earlier in the day. The workbench was just out of reach of the sheep, and Sirius thanked his lucky stars that the record player hadn't been damaged. Mary would have wrung his neck otherwise. It was very dear to her, as she had reminded him at least ten times.

On a shelf above the workbench, he had stored a small selection of records he planned to play that evening. He went through them all again before finally deciding on Dire Straits' brothers in arms. He had only recently bought it from Rock & Sound. 

After a few minutes — James was busy complaining about his fake teeth — Peter, Mary, and Marlene arrived, all dressed up. Peter wore a grey wig and a half-moon-shaped pair of glasses, undoubtedly borrowed from his grandfather. He leaned on an old walking stick, which he would lose more than once during the evening.

Mary had plastic fairy wings clipped to her shoulders and was happily twirling around with a self-made wand.

As Marlene tried to explain her costume (something about a French queen, even though she wasn't wearing a dress but a pantsuit), Dorcas entered the barn with her most extravagant costume, and everyone made admiring ohhs.

They climbed up to the second level where the hay was stored, making themselves comfortable next to the bales of straw. Music played from below, mixed with the snorts of the sheep and the creaking of the roof beams.

Sirius wondered where Remus and Lily were — and judging by James's eyes constantly darting towards the door, he wondered too. Sirius thought about what Remus might have dressed up as, considering he came up with a new excuse every Halloween as to why he was wearing his usual clothes.

Side A of the record was playing the last notes, so Sirius climbed down the ladder to change it. Carefully, he flipped the black disc to the other side and placed the needle on the first ring.

"Nice music taste, it sure is almost flawless," came a voice from behind.

Sirius spun around, and there he saw Remus and Lily coming towards him between the sheep.

"You're late," he remarked, eyeing Remus. At first glance, he couldn't make out a clear costume. He wore a white button down and — to Sirius's surprise — a black tie. His best Sunday outfit, which he would never normally wear in such a dirty place. "You're not wearing a costume again."

"Yes, I am," Remus said, pulling out an axe from behind his back (a real axe for chopping wood, Sirius noticed, astonished).

"And what’re you supposed to be?"

"Never heard of a sociopathic axe murderer?" Remus asked with a crooked grin. Only then Sirius noticed the fake blood on his lips.

"Holy..."

"I smeared the fake blood on him," Lily explained proudly, wrapped in a trench coat, a pipe in her mouth, and a flat cap on her head. "But we had trouble with the paste, so we're a bit late."

"Is that Lily I hear?" came James's voice from above. His curly head appeared between the wooden bars.

"Hi, Potter. Nice teeth," Lily giggled, climbing up the ladder to him. James, the idiot, bumped his head on a roof beam as he hurriedly got up to meet her.

"You think so? Thanks, I tried to make them look as real as possible!"

Remus went to the windowsill and inspected the music selection for the evening. "Not bad," he judged, holding up a Bowie album from the seventies against the weak ceiling light.

"Of course I choose some Bowie for you." Sirius grinned.

"You didn't buy these when I was with you. You went to rock&sound again?"

Sirius nodded. He had been there again, skipping his last hour of French.

"So, you're going as the devil." Remus said.

"Yeah well, it just seemed fitting, you know. Since I have my mother as inspiration."

"Very accurate."

Sirius grinned. "Thanks. I like your costume. Very...murderous."

"I was inspired by a character from a novel I recently read."

"Of course you were."

"Hey, Sirius!" Peter called out over the wooden bars. "James won't say what kind of booze you guys brought!"

"Really, Wormtail! It's not even eight, and you already want to start drinking?!" Sirius retorted in a mockingly outraged tone. Peter simply gave a thumbs-up into the air, and his head disappeared again.

"You were successful on your mission, then?"

"Naturally," Sirius replied over his shoulder as he climbed the ladder.

The others were leaning against the hay bales, with Dorcas lying on top of one in a rather uncomfortable-looking position, her legs dangled down on one side while she lay on her back, staring up at the roof beams. She was in the middle of telling a story that Sirius hadn't caught the beginning of.

"Oh my God!" Mary suddenly exclaimed as Remus climbed up behind Sirius. He was so tall that he couldn't fully stand upright. "Remus! Is that a costume?!"

"Wow look at you," Marlene chuckled, standing next to Dorcas. "Don’t you look handsome."

Remus's cheeks turned a rosy pink. He shook his head, as if not entirely understanding the fuss, and sat down next to Peter.

"That's partly my doing," Lily said happily. "He came over to my place this afternoon to study, and when he said he wanted to come in what he was wearing, I took him to my room and didn't let him leave until I was satisfied with his costume."

"Well," Peter interjected, "at least he has the axe with him, otherwise, I wouldn't know what he's supposed to be."

"Still better than Marlene's weird costume!" Mary joked. Marlene tossed a handful of loose hay in her direction,

"You're all too uncultured to understand it."

"The axe belongs to my dad," Lily said, taking the axe and placing it on a hay bale. "I hope he won't mind..."

"Oi, where did you actually hide the liquor? I'm starting to think you don't have any!"

"Oh, Pete, how wrong you are," Sirius smirked, exchanging a knowing look with James. "Mr Prongs? Would you be so kind and relieve our dear friend of his suffering?"

"It would be an honour, Mr Padfoot!" James stood up, revealing the bottle wrapped in a blanket.

"Did you sit on it?!" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows.

"No!" James protested. He opened the lid, grimacing. "Well, this is for sure gonna knock us out."

"Let me smell." Mary leaned forward, snatching the bottle away from him. She smelled it and didn't seem particularly impressed.

"And?" Marlene asked curiously.

"I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to be," Mary replied.

"You act like you’ve any knowledge about this stuff," Dorcas laughed.

"So. Who's brave enough to try the first sip?" Mary looked around, expectantly, but no one volunteered. Not even Peter.

"Well, if no one else wants to," Remus sighed.

Mary cheered happily. "Now that's what I call a man."

"Be careful, Moony," James warned, but Remus had already taken the first sip. His expression didn't change in the slightest, and everyone waited eagerly for his opinion.

To Sirius's astonishment, Remus took another sip.

"Okay, that's enough!" Sirius said, half annoyed, half amused. "What is it then? Vodka? Brandy?"

"Whiskey," Remus murmured, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "Definitely whiskey."

"Oh God," James groaned. "Dad is going to kill me if he finds out."

"Give him Remus's axe so he'll have a suitable murder weapon," Marlene joked.

"Thanks, Marlene. That's what I needed to hear."

She smiled sweetly at him.

Sirius squeezed in next to Remus, even though there was hardly any space left between him and the wall.

"What the-"

"Move a bit," he instructed. Remus rolled his eyes but scooted closer to Peter.

"I'm next. Give me the bottle," Sirius said.

Remus handed it to him, and Sirius took an optimistic sip. The liquid was absolutely disgusting. It tasted rough and bitter, a taste clearly meant for old men. Swallowing it was painful. It was a mystery to him how Remus could remain expressionless because he was sure he was looking like a clown.

Despite his squinted eyes, he felt someone taking a picture of him. It was Lily, of course, who had received a camera for her last birthday and hadn't let go of it since.

"Very flattering," James commented amusedly. "I bet that photo will be a hit."

Sirius flipped him the bird and handed the bottle over Remus to Peter. When Peter was done (he promptly spat out the liquid), he passed the bottle to Lily, and so the alcohol made its rounds.

After half an hour, Sirius climbed down to change the record, this time putting on the Bowie album. When he came back up, he winked at Remus.

The evening took its course, and soon James's wristwatch showed midnight. They were all completely dazed and a little hysterical, the whiskey lay empty and forgotten on the wooden floor between them.

At some point, they had decided it was a good idea to reveal their respective talents, which they were convinced no one else could do. James attempted a handstand and failed miserably: he crashed his feet into a hay bale and nearly collapsed onto Marlene and Dorcas, who were sitting on it. He fell on his back and could only get up with Lily's help.

Once Lily had calmed down ("James, you idiot!"), she made bird noises with her mouth that sounded surprisingly real.

"Who else can do this?" Mary asked mischievously, sticking her tongue out so far that it touched the tip of her nose.

"Ha! That’s easy," Peter mimicked her, and indeed, he managed to do it too.

"You guys are so lame," Dorcas claimed, getting up. "Watch and learn."

She lay down on her stomach, forcing everyone to make room, stretching her neck far back while at the same time drawing her legs up so that er feet touched the back of her head. 

"I didn't know you were so flexible!" Lily exclaimed with gaping eyes. Marlene looked delighted.

"Years of yoga with Mum.", Dorcas explained as she untangled herself.

"Very impressive," Sirius said. "But I think we all know who has the best talent of all."

"Oh God, here it comes..." Remus muttered quietly.

Ignoring his comment, Sirius straightened up. Suddenly, his head was spinning, and he had to grab Remus's shoulder to avoid crashing into the wall.

"Je… je parie qu'aucun de vous ne parle français."

In his drunken state, it was difficult to articulate the right words as they were arranged in his mind, and he was sure he had made some mistakes as the words bubbled unclearly out his mouth.

"Did you just ask us if we speak French?" Mary concluded, being the only one besides Sirius who took the subject.

"Oui. Ai-je fait une erreur de grammaire ? Je pense que j'ai fait une erreur de grammaire..."

"I'm not going to translate this because you're speaking like a three-year-old."

"How much of this stuff have you had?" Remus asked, kicking the bottle on the floor with his foot.

"Not more than you! James drank just as much."

"No, I didn't!" James replied loudly. It was true. Sirius had to admit that the whiskey had made him more pissed than he had thought an hour ago. He had drunk most of the alcohol during the evening. Perhaps he did because he had wanted to prove to the others that the whiskey affected his nerves less than theirs. Sirius suspected, however, that he secretly liked the dizziness.

He couldn't explain it, but it was nice not to feel too much or think too much or worry all the time. Everything felt slow and far away, as if he were watching his friends through a twisted glass that distorted everything strangely.

During Marlenes reciting of a poem Sirius began to relax. He was leaning against the wooden wall, watching his friends laugh and talk. Nobody believed that James could do a headstand, so he had to prove it, of course. This time, Lily stood up with him and held onto his legs so he wouldn't topple over again.

Everyone applauded enthusiastically, and James, his face as red as a strawberry and his hair more tousled than ever, fist-bumped Remus's knee and urged him to reveal his secret talent.

"I can't think of one," Remus said, but James wasn't satisfied.

"Nonsense. Don't pretend like you're not the most talented of all of us."

"That's an exaggeration."

"Okay, maybe," Sirius interrupted, understanding faster than James that this approach wouldn't get them anywhere. "But in your brilliant mind, there must be something that will blow us all away."

Remus looked at him. His brown eyes were glassier than usual, his cheeks rosier, probably because of the whiskey.

Sirius knew Remus was trying to find a clever way to decline the invitation. He was probably searching for a witty comment or a sharp retort. He wasn't the type of person who thought highly of himself, and he certainly wasn't the type to show off.

So it surprised Sirius even more when he raised an eyebrow, a sharp gleam appearing in his eyes.

"Ask me for the result of a long math problem."

Sirius considered. He wanted to make the problem last as long as possible, but at the same time, be sure if the result would be correct.

"Okay, but I'll write it down and solve it myself to make sure you're not cheating."

"Fine,"

"Pete, you got a sheet of paper?"

"Of course I do," Peter said, pulling a receipt out of his jacket and a pencil from his inner pocket. "My grandpa always carries pen and paper with him."

"Bless him. Alright, let's do this." Sirius leaned over the paper, away from Remus, so he couldn't peek, and began writing numbers. They kept getting bigger, and he didn't skimp on division and subtraction.

Actually, it was a simple math problem that could be easily solved in writing, but math had never been Sirius's strength, and besides, he was quite lazy, so he wordlessly passed the receipt to Lily.

"Ha-ha. Typical," she said, shaking her head. "Remember, Remus: Whether your result is right or not, don't worry about it, because Sirius couldn't even solve the problem in writing."

"I would have, If I tried!"

"Keep telling yourself that," Mary giggled.

Lily cleared her throat and read slowly: "The problem is: 82 plus 46 minus 33 divided by 3 minus 50." Once she finished, she got to work.

"Oh God," Peter whimpered, nibbling on his fingernails.

Sirius watched Remus's face. His eyes were looking down and weren’t moving, his mouth was slightly open as he muttered the solution path softly to himself. After a few seconds, he announced his result.

"Sixty-seven."

"Fucking hell," Mary exclaimed incredulously. "There's no way you're done already!"

Remus shrugged.

"And? What did you get?!" Sirius pressed impatiently.

"Don't rush me," Lily hissed. "Almost done... Blimey, Sirius, why so many minuses?!"

"It was supposed to be a little challenge for Moony."

"Are you sure that-" James began, leaning over Lily's shoulder, but she pushed him aside.

"James. Don't interrupt. I... just this and then... okay, I've got it."

"And?!"

"Sixty-seven. He's correct."

"Ohhoo!" Marlene exclaimed approvingly. "Remus is like a little calculating machine."

"A real superstar, nobody rocks algebra like him!" Sirius joked, ruffling Remus's hair. Remus ducked his head.

"That's really no big deal. I'm sure any third grader could've solved that faster than me. We've just forgotten how to do mental arithmetic, so it seems impressive to you."

"Oh Moony," Sirius sighed. "If only everyone would be as modest as you."

"No wonder Mr Miller offered you advanced math," James said, his voice tinged with that typical pride he always felt when his friends accomplished something special in his eyes.

Remus's ears turned red. He shook his head but said nothing more.

"Alright my loves," Mary said, struggling to stand up. "I'm going to the loo. My bladder is killing me."

"Ohh, wait, I'll come with you!" Lily handed the pen back to Peter and followed Mary.

"If you see my dad or mom, please act normal!"

"Seriously? As if Lils and I have had enough of that brew for it to show somehow."

"I'm just saying..."

Mary and Lily disappeared, and Remus said he would put on a new album.

"Please no more Bowie!" Peter called after him. "Play some Michael Jackson."

"Or Abba!" Dorcas suggested, and Marlene squealed with delight,

"Yes, please! Since we're playing all the classics from the seventies..."

Sirius perked up. Surely Remus wouldn't play disco music? How lame. But no, no need to worry, the first notes of a Queen album filled the shed with loud drumming sounds.

"No chance, Abba won’t be played here," Sirius said contentedly. The girls looked quite annoyed. Marlene crossed her arms over her chest.

"I don't understand why it's always you lads who get to decide on the music."

"Because we're the ones with the most albums. Go to Rock&Sound and then you can buy Abba. I'll never, ever in my life listen to disco music."

"You're such a music snob," Dorcas remarked, rolling her eyes.

"Maybe, but it is what it is."

"It's still Mary's record player," Marlene interjected. "She should decide what to play."

"Please no," Peter groaned. "Then we'll just listen to Madonna over and over until our ears fall off! The other day I went to her place because she said she had something ace to show me. And I thought hey, that sounds nice, I should go visit her! Well, and what do I have to endure as soon as I'm there? It was absolute torture."

They laughed, and after a while, Remus returned to them, followed by Mary and Lily.

"James, is it normal for Gruffy to loose so much fur?" Remus asked, furrowing his brow.

"What? What's wrong with Gruffy?" Dorcas asked, concerned.

"Nothing's wrong with Gruffy, nothing bad at least," James reassured her. "He's old. It's normal for sheep not to control their shedding as well anymore."

"Phew, okay. Good."

"I can't imagine what it would be like if Gruffy or one of the other ones aren’t here anymore," Marlene said thoughtfully, staring at the ground with teary eyes.

"My goodness, McKinnon, those are some dark thoughts you're having." Sirius found, trying to muster up a reassuring laugh.

"Do you remember when we were in second grade and Gruffy was taken in by the Potters completely emaciated?" Mary reminisced. The others were silent, probably all picturing the same scene: Gruffy thin and hungry, shy and with fearful eyes. He had been saved from the slaughterhouse by the Potters back then, and the eight had all been there when Gruffy was brought to his new home.

If Sirius thought longer about what a beautiful and innocent memory from his childhood this was, he got sentimental. The alcohol made him feel all fuzzy and sensitive. Judging by the faces of the others, they were feeling the same way.

"Sometimes it makes me really sad how quickly time passes," Lily said. Someone made an agreeing hum.

"Well, don't be sad that it's passing," Sirius said. He didn't like the melancholic direction this night was taking. "Think of everything we still got ahead of us!"

He looked around. His eyes found Remus's and lingered for a moment. The boy seemed deep in thoughts.

"Hell yeah!" James chimed in confidently. "We're still at the beginning of our lives, the doors are wide open for us—the whole world is at our feet, the whole universe if we want—"

James kept ranting, but he was interrupted by a laughing Lily. She placed her hand on his mouth.

"Okay, okay, we get it, Potter! We're invincible, is that what you're trying to say?"

"Damn right!" James cheered, standing up and pulling Lily to her feet. "Don't worry, pals, you're going to be the greatest people I've ever met."

"Are you trying to say we're not great already?!" Mary teased him, grinning, and putting an arm around Lily's shoulder.

"You're going to be even greater than you already are!"

"Aww, look at him!" Sirius laughed. "Mr Prongs has gotten all mushy."

James stuck his tongue out at him.

"Gosh, I love you so much..." Marlene mumbled, lying on the hay bale, and looking at the others with a sleepy and loving gleam in her eyes.

Dorcas rested her cheek on Marlene's head and squeezed her side. "Love you too, Marls."

"Look at us..." Peter grinned. "The future conquerors of the world."

"I'll drink to that!" Mary exclaimed, producing a bottle from behind her back as if by magic.

James's eyes widened. "Where the hell did you get that?! Please don’t say from—"

"From the liquor cabinet in the living room!"

James's mouth opened and closed several times. He seemed to be stuck between two emotions: outrage and indifference.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a stick in the mud!" Lily exclaimed, surprising everyone. "We're as young as the night. Let's dance and have fun and—" She stumbled over her own feet, prompting James to held her steady. Apparently, she and Mary had already had a little to drink before they came back to the barn. "Let's just have fun."

She took James's hand and spun around. The music played loud and fast, and Mary pulled Remus up, trying to get him to dance. Marlene and Dorcas exchanged an amused look before getting up and swaying their hips to the rhythm of the music. Sirius took the bottle, drank, and watched as Remus had to bend down to avoid hitting his head on the rafters. He wasn't really dancing, but instead moving his head as a hippie might at a festival, while Mary hopped up and down in front of him.

"We're going to regret this so much tomorrow!" James yelled over the blaring music, but none of them were really worried about a possible hangover at that moment.

They were young, and they were having fun. They danced because the occasion demanded it, because it was the law of youth.

Time had passed and would continue to pass. Memories were being made and would continue to be made. It was nothing more than the usual way of life. Sirius was so glad and felt incredibly happy that it was life they were all experiencing in that moment.

Chapter Text

2nd November 1990

Sirius's sixteenth birthday fell on a Sunday, so his friends decided to celebrate the night before.

It wasn't an easy job to sneak out unnoticed by his parents, but after so many years, Sirius had a bit of practice. For example, he knew that instead of the obvious escape route - out the window and then over the veranda - the more challenging option led to a higher success rate. The veranda was old, and every step could be heard.

To disappear unnoticed, Sirius had to take a higher risk. But that was okay – he preferred risky ventures over the boring ones anyway.

He had been lying in bed all evening since dinner, as ordered, eagerly watching the minutes tick by on his alarm clock. Ten past nine, quarter past nine, and then finally, the time had come.

His parents would now be sitting in the gallery, ending the evening with an expensive wine and a discussion of the news of the day (probably their obscure idea of ​​fun), so Sirius could easily go out through the garden gate without being heard. The only things he had to watch out for were the creaking of the stairs and the noise in the other room.

He took the key to the backdoor and put it in his jacket and tiptoed down the stairs, focused on skipping the particularly creaky steps.

Just as he reached the backdoor of the kitchen, he suddenly heard a rustling behind him. Without turning around, he whispered into the darkness, "You sneaking after me?"

"Where are you going?"

"You going to rat me out? Go ahead, I won't stop you. It must be really shit to be the only person in the universe who doesn’t understand the concept of fun."

Despite the darkness, Sirius recognized the rude gesture Regulus threw at him.

"Go, I don't care. You'll get into trouble anyway."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You mean because of what happened today at dinner with Uncle Alphard? My God, what's the big deal? Everyone knows he's gay."

"You know perfectly well Mother and Father don't want you to say stupid things like that!"

"Oh, fuck off. Alphard has been living with a man for ages! It’s so obvious.”

Regulus urged him to be quieter. If they were caught, it would have catastrophic consequences.

"I get that he... that he, you know," Regulus mumbled, stumbling over his own words. "But you shouldn't have provoked Mother about it. That was stupid of you."

"I don't care," Sirius said, but that was only half true. He had started incessantly talking about Uncle Alphard and his unconventional inclinations because he knew exactly that this topic would enrage his parents. Walburga had become increasingly furious, trying to silence Sirius with a shrill voice. The punishment for his big mouth had come directly after dinner and, despite his upcoming birthday, it had not been any gentler. He had received a good slap on the hand and was not allowed to contact his mates for the rest of the day.

Regulus shook his head in disbelief, and just as he was about to open his mouth, they both heard the unmistakable laughter of their mother and the bear-like rumble of their father. It was a mystery to Sirius how the two of them were even capable of feeling humour. But then, he reasoned, it always brought them a lot of fun to chortle about their children.

"They're going to get more wine," Regulus whispered.

"That’s why I'd better get going."

For a moment, they looked at each other without saying what was on their minds. It was a question, a dare, one might say. How far would you go to leave me hanging?

Sirius raised an eyebrow invitingly, expecting Regulus to expose his plan. But his brother simply turned around and disappeared into the darkness.

Traitor, Sirius thought. Why his little brother was a traitor in that moment, he couldn't say. Probably because he didn't play along with the game as Sirius wanted him to.

***

4th November 1990

A day after his birthday party, Sirius finally felt completely sober, with not a single drop of alcohol left in his blood. He and his friends had gone overboard this time when it came to drinks. Halloween, by comparison, seemed like a joke.

Peter - brave, daring Peter - had asked his older brother Ollie to buy tons of booze, handing him a tenner. Ollie had snatched the ten-pound note from Peter’s hand, muttered something nasty, and arranged the order during his next trip to town. When Peter and James went to collect the bottles, Ollie had put on his most menacing face and demanded another tenner because of “delivery service”. Peter was outraged,

“Twenty quid! That bloke's lost his marbles, honestly.”

(Of course, Peter had said this at the party itself, with his older brother nowhere to be seen.)

At some point in the early morning, Sirius had stealthily crept back into the house, thankfully without waking anyone. It was nearly a miracle. Sirius wasn’t sure how he’d even managed to make it back from James’s barn in his drunken state.

By the next day, Sirius wished that the twenty pounds had been reason enough not to buy the booze, but apparently, they’d been too naive. Sirius was graciously allowed to spend the morning in bed, but at noon, the maid came knocking, chasing him out of his room so she could clean.

“This is my room!” Sirius had tried to argue, but Katy wouldn’t hear any of it.

“But it’s my job to clean it, so off you go!”

He didn’t want to leave his comfy bed, but he wouldn’t forgive himself if she got in trouble with Walburga because of him. Plus, a walk in the fresh air would surely help his pounding headache.

Unfortunately, this wishful thinking was dashed, and he vomited into a dustbin less than five minutes later.

On Monday, he had to return to school, though he still felt miserable.

On the bus, he ran into the others, all still similarly green-faced and unusually quiet. Only James looked the same as always: fresh and unkempt, his round glasses perched on his nose. He waved happily at Sirius and made room next to him.

“Good morning, sunshine! I see we’re still little groggy from the other night?”

Sirius gave him a look.

“Now, now, no need to get upset. You’ll be pleased to hear that I wasn’t able to go for my morning jog on Sunday.”

“Why would it please me when you look as fresh and healthy as ever?”

James seemed to consider this. “I guess I can hold back better when it comes to this demonic poison.”

At that moment, Peter’s head appeared over the seat edge in front of them. He wore sunglasses.

“I swear, James, even if you say demonic poison instead of the A-word, I still know what you’re talking about.”, he said, gritting his teeth.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Wormtail. I won’t mention the A-word anymore, I promise.”

“Good,” grumbled Peter and plopped back into his seat.

“Do I even want to know what-” Sirius began, confused, but James was already explaining.

“He can’t hear the word with A, you know which one, since Sunday without feeling sick. Or at least that’s what he says.”

“It’s true!” Peter called out. “And it’s not an easy life.”

“I see. Wormtail’s playing the drama queen for once.”

“Quite a refreshing change, innit?” Remus said, who had just been the last to get on the bus. He went over to Mary, so he was on the same level as Sirius and James.

“And how are you doing?” James asked, leaning over Sirius’s body. “If I’m not mistaken, you drank the last drops of the vodka when everyone else refused.”

“Talking about the A-word is just as bad as saying it!” Peter complained, but James ignored him.

“Surprisingly, I felt fine on Sunday. At least better than expected. Was even able to help my dad with fixing his car.”

Sirius groaned long and exasperatedly. He leaned forward until his forehead hit the back of Peter’s seat. “Not you too being immune to a proper hangover!”

James patted him sympathetically on the back, laughing. “Chin up, mate. Think of it as a lesson.”

“I’ve already sworn never to drink another drop of alcohol-”

“Can’t bloody live in peace anymore, can ya?!” Peter cried out in despair, throwing his arms up.

“Quiet back there!” Lily’s authoritative voice ordered from further up. She and Marlene turned around synchronously and glared at them. They were also marked by the long night, though they had obviously tried to cover the dark circles with makeup.

Sirius blew them a kiss. Lily rolled her eyes and turned her back to them.

“Why’s she in such a mood?”

“Trouble with Petunia,” answered Mary, who was filing her nails.

Sirius and James stood up at the same time to spot Petunia’s dark head. As usual, she was sitting right behind the bus driver. She claimed that she got sick sitting anywhere else, but Sirius suspected she just wanted to keep as much distance as possible from Lily’s friends.

“Oi, make it any more obvious you idiots!” hissed Mary.

“What do you mean by trouble?” James asked.

Mary shrugged,

“Not sure exactly. The usual, I think. Lily called me last night quite upset, you know. But I managed to calm her down. And that’s all I’m telling you!” she said sternly, seeing James and Sirius hanging on her every word.

After the twenty-minute ride, the bus finally stopped at the school bus station.

“Make sure you kids aint late!” Gerald, the driver, called after them.

When the bell rang for break, the eight of them met at their usual spot in the schoolyard. The weather had changed drastically since Halloween: it was icy and grey, with heavy clouds covering the entire sky. Although it was cold, Sirius refused to swap his beloved leather jacket for a practical coat. He just wasn’t ready for that yet.

“If you keep shivering like that, I’m going to drag you back inside by myself,” Remus muttered, who was sitting next to him on the narrow bench. The bench was coveted, and no one wanted to stand, so five of them squeezed onto it simultaneously.

Sirius rubbed his hands together to warm them. He wished he had at least brought gloves. “I can’t help it if the weather gods suddenly decide to throw a fit and make Dornfield into the north pole.”

“What do you mean, suddenly?! It’s been cold for ages,” Peter said, who was sitting to Sirius’s right.

“Shuddup. You’re wearing sunglasses when there’s not a bit of sun in sight.”

Peter pursed his lips and mumbled something about it being “too bright.”

A fresh shiver wracked Sirius’s frozen body, his shoulders shaking. Remus sighed and took off his wool gloves.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t stand it anymore. Here.”

Remus held the gloves up to Sirius’s nose.

“Are these hand-knitted?” Sirius asked, amused.

“Yes, they are. Got a problem with that? Because if you do, then forget-”

“I don’t have a problem with that, of course not,” Sirius replied, taking the pair. He slipped them over his hands and felt the still-warm wool instantly thawing them. He could have kissed every single one of Remus’s fingers out of sheer contentment and just stopped himself from taking Remus’s hands to warm them, knowing they would now be cold. But unlike Sirius, Remus was wearing a thick winter coat and hid his hands deep in his pockets.

“Thanks,” Sirius whispered, smiling slightly. What a sight he must be—all red nose and rosy cheeks. The cold always made his skin at least three shades redder.

“Next time, just wear a jacket that matches the weather. You’re still cool even without that bloody leather jacket.”

***

10th November

A week after his birthday, Walburga and Orion went to London to meet with the lawyer. It was about purchase contracts, at least that’s what Sirius figured. He hadn’t really listened when Orion mentioned their plans at dinner. It wasn’t until the lawyer was mentioned that Sirius pricked up his ears.

“You mean the lawyer who was here in summer?”

“How do you know a lawyer was here?”

“Saw his car,” Sirius explained flatly. Orion nodded stiffly,

“I asked Mr Bron to keep an ear to the ground in London to attract potential clients.”

“Clients? What Clients?”

“Sirius!” his mother snapped at him sharply. “Since when do you care about the power station, hmm? Stay out of your father’s business!”

The next morning, after Sirius and Regulus had seen their parents off, Sirius thought for the first time since the end of the summer holidays about the event Mary had reported to him.

I bet Regulus knows all about Father’s plans, he thought bitterly.

If his family wanted to keep secrets from him, that was fine by him. Why should he care about the Blacks’ business? He hadn’t lied when he told Mary he wanted nothing to do with it.

However, the afternoon passed slowly, with Sirius unable to stop thinking about it. In his father’s eyes, he wasn’t worthy, not clever, not good enough to have a say in the company. Regulus was now the true heir to the Black fortune. They hadn’t announced it yet, but Sirius wasn’t a fool.

Without knowing exactly why, the thought of Regulus in a suit and a thick briefcase made Sirius angry. Was that his plan all along? Was that why he had distanced himself from Sirius over the past few months, becoming more secretive? Because he feared Sirius’s opinion, or because he assumed Sirius would be jealous?

He didn’t really know his brother anymore.

It was no use. Speculation wouldn’t get Sirius anywhere. He went to Regulus’s room and entered without knocking. Regulus was sitting at his desk by the window, bent over a book in which he was writing. When the door flew open, he quickly closed it and spun around.

“For goodness’ sake, can’t you knock?!”

Sirius waved an impatient hand. “No need to get so pissed, I know you’re keeping track of your potion ingredients in that book.”

“What do you want?”

“As an older brother I can’t visit my little brother anymore or what?”

Regulus looked at him for a split second with wide, naive eyes, and Sirius almost felt guilty for his sharp comment. But then Regulus set his face into a steely expression.

“You never do anything unless there’s something in it for you.”

A little blow to his ego, but Sirius could handle it.

“You sound wise, but you’re wrong.”

“Whatever.”

Sirius thought it best to get straight to the point.

“Since when did you become so keen on the power station?”

Regulus stared at him, as if expecting Sirius to be making a bad joke. When he realised Sirius was serious, he twisted his mouth.

“What are you on about? Such nonsense...”

“Don’t play dumb. Apparently, the prospect of making money has finally blown you away. I didn’t expect that from you. I always imagined your future away from all the hustle, with you lurking in the shadows and... watching,” Sirius finished lamely. To be honest, he found it hard to imagine any future for his brother at all. Regulus was so inconspicuous, operating so far from any concrete reality, that it should be illegal.

“I would love to have you out of my room now. So, this is my polite request for you to leave.”

“I just want to hear you admit you lied back then.”

Regulus looked at him, bewildered. “What do you mean, lied? When do you think I-”

“When we were kids,” Sirius said quickly. “My God, I don’t remember the exact date, but when we were younger, you... you and I swore, no matter what, we would never become what Mother and Father wanted us to be. You promised, Reg.”

Sirius was all too aware that he was resorting to childish measures and relying on sentimentality, but he didn’t care.

“We were seven or so!” Regulus shot back. “For heaven’s sake, do you think time hasn’t changed even a tiny bit?”

Sirius wanted to grab him by the collar and shake him. He felt his pulse quicken, each word fighting a battle in his throat before being spoken.

“Don’t act like that vow meant nothing, like our younger selves never existed! Like we were always…” Sirius made a helpless gesture between them. “Like we were always like this!”

Regulus shook his head slightly. “I don’t know where you got the idea that I’m interested in getting involved in these affairs, but—”

“I didn’t make it up. Mary told me. She heard you and Father in the driveway. And who knows how long you’ve been working together.”

Regulus’s expression darkened. “So that’s it. You rely on your friends instead of listening to your brother even once.” He picked up some nearby sheets of paper, folded them, and placed them in the book. “I’m going to say this once and then never again, so listen carefully. I don’t care what you think of me, Sirius. And I don’t have to justify myself to you!”

The words hit Sirius like the icy waters of the North Pole. He wanted to respond, but Regulus didn’t let him.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to be left alone now.”

***

“God, I could grab that sneaky little rat by the neck and strangle him, I could—”

“I know, I know. But calm down for now.”

Calm down?! Sirius was boiling with rage. He stormed from one end of the living room to the other, phone in hand. He had been ranting to a patient James on the other end for ten minutes.

“He’s ice cold, James. He gives no fucks what I think if he becomes Orion 2.0!”

“I hardly believe that.”

“He said it himself! Literally.”

There was a long sigh on the other end of the line.

“How about you both calm down first, and then you can talk about it again.”

“Ha! Don’t make me laugh. You can’t have a reasonable conversation with him. He’s crossed the line, he’s one of them now.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Wrong. I see the facts very clearly. Reg is a true Black now. A textbook example, you could say.”

“You sure that’s what Regulus wants?” came James’s crackling voice. He sounded tired, but maybe it was just the poor connection. “It doesn’t really sound like him.”

Sirius shrugged, then remembered that James couldn’t see him.

“That’s what I always thought. But he’s changed. He’s… I dunno, James. It’s like he’s slipping through my fingers. I can’t catch him anymore.”

Unintentionally, Sirius was worried. He chewed on his fingernails and forced himself to stop.

“I understand,” said James, sighing again.

“I don’t know what to do. I… Tell me what to do, Prongs.”

A silence fell between them, and Sirius desperately waited for an answer. Surely James would know what to do, right? If not him, then who?

“Look, mate,” James began, and Sirius noticed he really did sound tired. “I think you don’t have much choice but to let Regulus find his own way. He’s not a child anymore. He can make his own decisions.”

“But he’s blind! He has no idea what—”

“Sirius, I really think you should leave it at that.”

Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again. That wasn’t the advice he had hoped for.

“You wanted my opinion, and that’s it.” In the background, there was a rustling sound, then quiet voices speaking tensely. “Hold on a sec,” said James, then the line went quiet.

“James? Hello?”

Nothing. Sirius glanced at the old clock. It was just after two. He waited.

“Sorry, I’m back.”

“What’s going on? Everything okay with your folks?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just…”

“What?”

“Remus had to go to the hospital this morning.”

Sirius stopped in his tracks. “What?! Why?”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. It’s just his migraine.”

“Did he have an attack?” Sirius asked, immediately fearing the worst.

“Not as bad as last time,” James replied. “His mum called us from the hospital this morning. She said he was unwell during the night and vomited several times. When he couldn’t see anymore, she took him to the hospital.”

“Shit…”

“Yeah.”

“How is he now?”

“Better. He’s still there. Dad’s going to pick them up soon.”

Sirius didn’t understand. “Why pick them up? Isn’t Hope there with the car?”

James’s voice sounded strangely distant as he explained bitterly, “Lyall’s out with the car. No one knows exactly where he is. They had to take the bus.”

“But that’s—”

“Awful, I know. The poor bloke had to walk all the way to the bus stop, endure the disgusting smell of cigarettes, and then ride the bus for half an hour.”

Sirius clenched his fists. He would love to deal with Lyall personally and shake him like Regulus. Had everyone lost their common sense?

“When can we visit him?”

“Mum says we should let him rest. They’ve given him some medication that should help. Maybe he’ll feel better tomorrow?”

Sirius nodded several times, as if convincing himself that his friend was okay and that there was nothing he could do for him at the moment.

“It’s just a migraine,” Remus had said once when he had to go to the hospital last year because his pain became unbearable. Back then, the Marauders had visited him at home, bringing pillows and Peter had baked Remus’s favourite cake.

“Seems like more than just a migraine,” Sirius had replied, shaking his head and picking up the book on Remus’s nightstand. “Aha, The Lord of the Rings.” He had cleared his throat and started reading aloud while the others got comfortable.

They had spent the rest of the day like that: reading, eating, and dozing.

***

Remus was allowed to have visitors the next day. James brought his Gameboy with him, and they took turns playing for almost two hours. Eventually, Peter suggested watching a video, so they switched from the tiny electronic display of the Gameboy to the electronic display of the TV.

Hope came in and made them tea and sandwiches. She scolded the boys for staring at the telly all day, but Sirius knew she secretly preferred it when they took it easy with Remus after one of his migraine attacks.

Remus insisted he wasn’t feeling unwell anymore and wanted them to have a normal afternoon, without the other three tiptoeing around him. It was a rare occasion for them to hang out at Remus’s place. Sirius could sense how uncomfortable Remus felt, with the four of them squeezed onto the too-narrow couch and Hope discreetly tidying up the ashtray and empty beer cans from the table.

Eventually, James noticed that Remus obviously preferred to be alone, so he said cheerfully, “Alright, lads, I’d better head home. My coach will flip if I’m late for training.”

“Can I come and watch?” Peter asked hopefully. Sirius didn’t understand how Peter found it exciting to watch James kick a ball around. James, however, enjoyed showing off his talent.

“Sure, why not? We’ll pick up Marls on the way.”

Sirius had no real reason to leave, but he didn’t want to annoy Remus any longer. So, he also said goodbye to the other boy and trailed behind James and Peter.

On the main road, they met Marlene, already in her training kit, with shin pads and everything.

“Alright, lads?”

“Alright, Marls?” James nodded in greeting.

The two of them launched into a conversation about the latest scandalous transfer at Tottenham, taking markedly different stances. The discussion became quite heated, with Marlene growing increasingly impatient and James steadfastly maintaining that loyalty should always come before money.

Sirius and Peter trailed behind, silent and probably both regretting their decision to voluntarily watch a training session with the two captains of their respective teams.

But whatever. Sirius definitely didn’t want to go home. And he definitely didn’t want to think about Regulus.

Chapter Text

27th November 1990

Even before the thread became dangerously thin and was on the verge of snapping, Sirius knew he had gone too far this time. Later that evening, when he lay in bed with his heart racing uncontrollably, he reflected on the events of the day that had led him to this state.

The day had started like the previous one and all the ordinary days before that. He got up, brushed his teeth, and dressed for school. He boarded the bus with his mates, stopped by the sweet shop before school, and endured eight miserable hours of lessons.

He had finally swapped his leather jacket for a coat, and with his gloves on, he felt perfectly equipped for the weather.

After school, they walked back to their homes, and made plans to meet after lunch for homework or music.

Sirius and Regulus didn’t say a word to each other, but that wasn’t unusual. What was new, however, was their attempt to completely ignore each other, as if the other didn’t exist.

Sirius was fine with that. Let the stubborn fool see where his loneliness would get him.

He locked himself in his room and was bored for an hour before heading downstairs to make a phone call. He tried James first, but he was busy studying.

("Swot."

"Hey, at least I’ll get a good grade!")

Then he rang the Lupins, but after the sixth ring, he hung up. Hope and Remus were probably at work, and Lyall always ignored the phone.

Peter? Oh, whatever.

“Hello? Hello, is that you, Sirius?”

Sirius picked up the receiver and mumbled into it with a disguised voice,

“Hoohoo, this is your future self, and I’m here to tell you to sort your business before in two weeks—”

“Forget it, Sirius. That doesn’t work on me anymore!”

Disappointed, Sirius took the receiver properly in hand,

“Ah, shame, really. Last time you totally fell for it.”

“I did not!” Peter defended himself.

“Anyway, you wimp. You busy right now?”

“Helping Rosie with her homework, why?”

“Great, so you’re free. Fancy taking the bus down to Dornfield and stopping by Rock and Sound?”

“Peter, who is that? Mum says you’re not allowed to use the phone during homework time!”

“Was that Rosie? Say hi from me.”

“Shut up, both of you,” said Peter, then to his sister off the phone, “Listen, if you don’t snitch on me to Mum, I’ll do all of number five for you. Deal?”

A distant whoop sounded, and Sirius waited.

“Right, where were we? Oh yeah. What about Remus, he busy?”

“He’s working.”

“Hmm. And James?”

“I’m starting to think you’re looking for an excuse not to come.”

“Fine, once I finish Rosie’s homework, I’ll come.”

“I could kiss you. Let’s say, in half an hour at the bus stop?”

They arranged to meet in an hour, but Sirius was satisfied. The shop was currently selling a vintage record player from the 1970s, with the original amplifier and everything. A dream come true, really.

Later that afternoon, when they returned, Sirius immediately unpacked his new possession. He wanted to test it at Peter’s, it was safer there, but Peter had a dentist appointment, and since Sirius didn’t feel like hiking up to the Potters’, he naïvely returned to Grimmauld Place.

Where music like this was strictly forbidden.

Carefully, he peeled the plastic off the turntable and ran his fingers over the buttons. On the way back, he had thought about the albums he would play, and the first one he pulled out was the Queen record they had played on Halloween.

Sirius felt transported to another world as Mercury sang the opening lines of “Keep Yourself Alive.”

I was told a million times

Of all the troubles in my way

Tried to grow a little wiser

Little better every day

When the record ended, he put on Bowie. Then he jumped from Pink Floyd to T. Rex and back to Pink Floyd. He lay on his bed with his eyes closed, not really in his room. He was somewhere else, where all the great rock stars went when they made art like this. The haunting female voice in The Great Gig in the Sky gave him such goosebumps that he could feel every single hair on his arm under his palm.

He had listened to the record a hundred times on Mary’s small record player and the Potters’ stereo, but this was different. The amplifiers made the music boom through the entire room, turned up to the max, and with every guitar solo, it felt like Sirius was at a concert, right in the middle of the crowd. If he tried, he could see Roger Waters and David Gilmour on stage, playing their instruments while the audience listened in a trance.

Just as the last notes of Brain Damage faded, the door suddenly flew open. It banged against the wall, revealing an enraged Walburga, pointing a warning finger at him,

“Turn. That. Off. WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?!”

Sirius hurried over to the record player and lifted the needle off the record. Fuck, he had forgotten to lock the door.

“I’m sorry, Mother!”

“Spare me your cheap excuses. Are you out of your right mind bringing this... this thing into our home?!”

She spoke of the device as if it were a dangerous artifact from the future, ready to explode any moment.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius repeated. “I’ll turn it down.”

“You will not turn it down! You will take it back to wherever you got it from, immediately!”

“But I bought the record player with my own money. And they won’t take it back once it’s been used.”

“Then you will sell it to one of your friends, but it won’t stay in my house!”

Sirius would do no such thing. That was his record player, he had wanted his own for so long, and he wasn’t about to give it up without a fight.

“I promise I’ll listen to it on the lowest setting from now on. You wouldn’t even notice it’s on, and—”

Walburga pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration,

“If you don’t get rid of it, I will throw it out of the window. So?”

Sirius didn’t move an inch. It was ridiculous and stupid, but it felt a bit like when he used to deliberately stand in front of Regulus to keep him from getting into trouble.

“Please don’t take it away from me.” He hated how meek his plea sounded, how his hands were sweating, how small he felt.

His mother didn’t raise her voice, but it was just as frightening as if she had,

“I really don’t have the patience for this right now. Either you get rid of it, or I will.”

She stepped forward, and Sirius’s heart skipped a beat.

“You can’t take everything away from me! I bought it, with my own money, it’s mine!”

Sirius saw the shadow of the hand before he felt the slap on his cheek. It was hard and painful. She hadn’t hit him in a while, the last time being around his birthday. He rubbed his burning cheek and waited to see if there would be any sign of regret or apology in her eyes. But there were only the cool grey eyes that scrutinized him. Like a predator stalking its prey, she waited to see what he would do next.

Sirius said nothing. He wanted to scream, but not a single sound came out. He was frozen, unable to move a muscle, unable to even breathe properly.

Walburga shoved him aside and seized the record player. She yanked out the cables, knocking over a vase in the process. Shards lay scattered all over the floor. She didn’t seem to care.

“That’s it. You knew perfectly well that we don’t tolerate your music in this house. Play with fire and you’ll get burned.” She wrestled with the cables, trying to coil them so they wouldn’t drag on the floor.

Sirius thought dismissively that at least she hadn’t taken the amplifier.

“This is your last chance, Sirius. If you defy me or your father again, remember my warning: if you can’t behave, I will ensure everything you hold dear is taken away and kept out of your reach. Your father and I are this close to sending you to a boarding school where they’ll beat manners into you if necessary. You think your father is strict with you? That I am strict?” Walburga laughed sharply. “You have no idea how cruel the world out there can be. Now clean up the shards.”

As she stormed out of the room, one corner of the device hit the doorframe hard and finally, life returned to Sirius’s body.

“You think the world is crueler than here within these walls?” he shouted after her, but she didn’t come back. He followed her into the hallway. “Do you have any idea how laughably little you know about the world? Or about how I feel in your presence?”

“That you dare raise your voice to your own mother!” she shouted back, her eyes like black holes, but Sirius held his ground.

“Do you even care that your sons were scared of you as children? In case you didn’t know that’s not normal!”

Walburga didn’t pay attention to him. She stormed down the stairs, her dark robe billowing behind her like a curtain,

“Wait until your father hears about this.”

“What am I supposed to hear?”

Orion emerged from his study, looking angrily from his wife to his son.

"Sirius bought this thing and thought he could get away with it. I told him, as long as he lives under my roof, he must follow my rules!"

"But it's not fair, I bought it!"

"Be quiet!" barked Orion, giving him a cuff on the back of the head. "Your mother is right. If you act up like this again, you can spend the entire week in your room."

"Locked in," added Walburga nastily, but Sirius had expected nothing less.

He could feel the blood rushing in his ears, his fingers trembling. His parents loomed over him like two watchtowers with cannons ready to fire at any moment. What chance did a lone warrior have against an entire fortress?

Sirius felt like the loneliest person in the world. There he stood, alone and powerless, and the people who could help him were not here to witness any of it.

The thought of spending another single second in their presence was unbearable.

"Screw this," he muttered, seized by a sudden burst of courage. He grabbed his coat from the rack, hastily put on his shoes, and slipped on his gloves.

"Excuse me?!"

His father’s jaw dropped. His mother looked as if she couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. They were fuming.

"I'm leaving," Sirius explained, as if it wasn’t obvious.

"No, you're not."

"Yes, Mother. I am."

"You're being ridiculous. Stop acting like you have a say in this. Go to your room. Now."

But Sirius didn’t listen to her. He pushed past and opened the front door. His father pointed a warning finger at him,

"Don’t you dare leave this house!"

His mother was now screaming,

"If you leave now, your actions will have serious consequences when you come back! Do you understand me?"

Sirius hesitated. Should he tell them? That he had no intention of coming back? They could keep the things in his room, he didn’t care. A shame about the few records he had brought from the shop, but he would buy new ones. Nothing in this house meant anything to him - he had stored all his treasures with his friends.

He turned to say it, but then he saw him.

Regulus stood behind their parents, hidden in the shadows like an apparition from a nearly forgotten dream, reminding him why he had endured a place like this for so long.

Sirius wanted to tell his parents, but then his eyes met Regulus's, and for a moment, they were children again, clinging to each other like two burrs, afraid of getting lost in this haunted house.

Regulus took a tiny step, moving into the dim light of the ceiling lamp, but then Walburga raised her hand in a swift motion and he flinched, disappearing again.

It broke Sirius’s heart. That was the reason he couldn’t leave his parents' house.

"I just need…" he began desperately, then paused.

Yes, what do I need? I need sleep, lots of sleep. I need peace and a place of safety. I need a place where I’m not judged, not coddled, not pitied.

"I need to get out of here. I—" His voice broke, and he directed his final words to Regulus. "I’m sorry."

He ignored his father’s and mother’s shouts, dashed out the door, and flinched as the stormy rain hit him unexpectedly. He ran down the long driveway to the road and kept going.

I need a place where I’m not coddled, not pitied.

During the argument, Sirius had thought about where he would go if he left for good this time. James had lingered in a corner of his mind, taking shape and colour, a constant refuge like a solid anchor in turbulent waters.

But now, with the whipping wind in his hair and the loud rain in the air, the image of James gradually faded from his thoughts.

James, Effie, and Monty would undoubtedly welcome him with open arms, pour him a cup of tea, offer comforting words, and then send him to bed. Afterwards, they would gather in the living room to discuss the situation: what can we do to get him out of there? Who do we need to contact, what forms do we need to fill out?

Sirius knew with certainty that if he lay in the guest room, eyes wide open and more awake than ever, the silent minutes in which he could do nothing but wait would be dreadful and cruel.

It would be too much. Could he endure that? He wasn’t ready; he couldn’t shut the door on Grimmauld Place - it felt wrong. His brother still lived there. And he had flinched when she raised her hand.

Sirius was so lost in thought that he hadn’t paid attention to where he was running. He found himself at a fork in the road: straight ahead led to the main road to the Potters' house. The road to the left would end in a dirt path and lead to the Lupins. He knew both routes inside out, having run them countless times.

Later that night, he would tell himself that he had had to think long and hard about the decision: was he seeking comfort or something else? Something he couldn’t name but which struck his heart relentlessly, like a suppressed thought that was both beautiful and terrifying…

But in truth, he didn’t have to think much; his muscles moved on their own.

Chapter Text

There was no light on when Sirius rang the doorbell.

It was raining so heavily that he was soaked from head to toe, and his hands trembled uncontrollably as he peered through the window into the dark hallway. What was he even doing here? The time for a normal visit was long past. It must have been eight or nine o’clock, far too late for a casual hello.

Maybe no one was home? He rang the bell again.

If Lyall answered the door, what would Sirius say? Sorry for the disturbance, but I couldn’t stand being at home anymore. I had to get away and somehow ended up here. Or what if Hope answered, in her nightgown with a tired crease between her eyebrows? Would he even be able to tell the truth?

A raindrop rolled down his forehead. This had been a stupid idea. He should have gone straight to the Potters. They were like family; why wouldn’t they give him shelter? He liked Hope, and she was always kind to him, but apart from a few polite conversations about this and that, there was nothing that truly connected them.

He should go.

He was just stepping down the first stair when the front door flew open.

"Sirius? What’re you doing here?"

Remus stood in the doorway; confusion written plainly on his face. He wore striped pyjama bottoms and a vest, his hair seemingly recently towel-dried.

"I, er…" Sirius began slowly, unsure of what to say. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," said Remus, stepping aside to let him in. He turned on the light. "You alright? You…" Remus didn’t seem to know what to do with himself. He reached out as if to touch Sirius, then let his hand fall.

"Sorry to barge in like this…" Sirius said uncertainly, peeking into the other room, but for once, Lyall wasn’t watching TV.

"S’okay, I suppose."

"Your parents home?"

"Mum’s at one of her ladies' nights, you know, with Claire and the usual. Dad’s gone to the pub."

"So you’re alone?"

Remus raised his eyebrows in question. "Unless there’s a ghost I don’t know about..."

Sirius nodded. "This might sound weird, but can I sleep here tonight?"

He looked up the stairs, into the other room, at the wooden floorboards. Anywhere but at Remus. When Remus didn’t answer, Sirius feared what it might mean and dared a cautious glance. The crease between Remus’s eyebrows was a sign of confusion. But in his eyes lay worry and something else, maybe surprise.

"Why not, yeah."

Sirius sighed in relief. "Okay."

Remus searched his face. "Did something happen?"

"They…" Sirius took a shaky breath. "We had a fight, but it was different this time. I had to get away, it was…"

"It’s fine," Remus tried to reassure him uncertainly. "You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Let’s… let’s go upstairs, yeah? You need dry clothes."

Sirius nodded and followed him upstairs. In his room, Remus rummaged for a pair of pyjama bottoms and a T-shirt. Sirius went into the bathroom next door to change. It smelled of shampoo, and the mirror above the sink was fogged from the room’s humidity, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t want to see himself right now.

Getting rid of his wet clothes felt like shedding the events of Grimmauld Place along with them. The pyjama bottoms were too long, but the T-shirt fit. Sirius suspected that Remus had deliberately given him his smallest clothes.

When Sirius returned to Remus’s room, Remus was busy picking up books, magazines, CDs, and other items off the floor and stuffing them carelessly into a box under the bed.

"We don’t have a spare mattress, but I go get something from the attic and make myself comfortable on the floor."

"Don’t be silly," said Sirius, pointing to the tiny space between the bed, door, and bookshelf. "There’s barely enough room to stand. You’d have to curl up like a cat. I’ll sleep on the floor."

Remus gave him a look that said absolutely not. "You take my bed. I’ll take the sofa in the living room."

"That’s too small for you. We’ll switch."

"And what’re we supposed to tell my parents if they see you lying there in the middle of the night? Mum would probably think you’re a burglar or something."

Sirius thought quickly. He looked at the narrow single bed and then at the floor space.

"I’ll sleep on the floor. But only if you bring every blanket and pillow you have in the attic."

He tried a humorous raise of his eyebrow because he knew that otherwise, Remus would never agree. Remus sighed in defeat,

"Fine. But don’t complain if you have a sore back tomorrow."

"I’d never."

Remus went to get the blankets. Sirius sat on the edge of the bed, resting his head in his hands, massaging his forehead in regular circles. For the first time that evening, he allowed himself to think about tomorrow, the day when he would inevitably have to go back home. He couldn’t hide forever. The sooner he returned, the less severe the punishment might be.

"That's all I could find." Sirius flinched as Remus threw two blankets and at least four pillows onto the floor. "The covers are freshly washed. Mum has a thing for cheesy floral patterns, I'm afraid."

"I can live with that," Sirius said, helping him put the covers on the blankets and pillows. Once they were done, they stood awkwardly, looking at the makeshift bed on the floor.

"Time?" Sirius asked. Remus glanced over at the alarm on the nightstand.

"Nine."

"You tired?"

"Not really. You?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Want to talk about why you left home?"

Sirius fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. Remus deserved the truth. Sirius sighed,

"Okay."

Remus sat on his bed, scooting up to the headboard and patting the empty spot beside him. Sirius sat down.

He began hesitantly, explaining how he had bought a record player with Peter that afternoon at Rock and Sound. He told him about how happy he had been to try it out in his room. 

"What model?" Remus asked, intrigued.

"Linn Sondek LP12. That sound, honestly."

Remus whistled appreciatively. He had always been the only one who understood Sirius’s obsession with rock and roll from the last two decades or so. 

"I swear, Pink Floyd sounded like you were floating on clouds," Sirius reminisced dreamily.

Remus smiled, as if he knew exactly what he meant.

"Right, so I was just listening to music, and then she came in and ruined everything."

He bitterly recounted how his enraged mother had stormed in, grabbed the record player, and even banged it against the door frame on her way out, probably damaging it.

"Ah, fuck. It’s broken now?" Remus cringed.

"Dunno, hard to tell. She was completely out of her mind. My father was shouting. They’ve threatened to ground me before, but this time they wanted to lock me up for a whole week."

Remus drew in a sharp breath but said nothing.

"I’d had enough so I left."

There was a moment of silence, then Remus asked, "I assume the Potters aren’t home?"

"Hm? Why do you—" Then it dawned on Sirius. "Oh."

Remus didn’t expect Sirius to come to him in an emergency. He was convinced that Sirius would seek help from James first, which was the obvious choice.

"They are home. They, um... they don't know what happened yet."

Remus shifted beside him, but Sirius didn’t dare look at him.

"They don’t know?" Remus asked, a hint of panic in his voice. "Sirius, I think you should tell them. They would know what to do."

"Yeah, yeah, I know! I’ll tell them, I will. But not tonight. I… I need a bit more time. James and Monty and Effie – they’re wonderful and would help me without batting an eye. But I don’t want to cause a fuss. I don’t want to worry them."

Remus’s eyes rested on him for a few seconds. He seemed to be thinking it over.

"Okay," he finally said, getting up.

"What’re you doing?"

"You hungry? We don’t have much, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Effie, it’s that the world seems a lot brighter on a full stomach."

Sirius grinned. "Sounds like her."

In the kitchen, they made sandwiches with salami and cucumber and watched TV. An old Western was on. They made up the beginning of the plot, amusing each other with absurd stories about Character So-and-So.

The distraction only worked for a while though, and by the second film (a terribly bad action-comedy), Sirius had lost track of the plot. His thoughts were back at Grimmauld Place and with Regulus, who was probably sitting at his desk writing in his book.

If it ever came to the point where Sirius turned his back on the estate for good, would his brother follow him? Or would he follow in their father's footsteps, burdened with responsibilities no boy his age should bear? How far would Regulus go? How far would Sirius go? Too far, probably. It frightened him.

“Sirius?”

He looked up. A commercial was playing. Remus turned down the volume,

“Everything alright?”

Sirius stretched his arms and legs. He had been sitting in the same position for too long. They had made themselves comfortable on the small sofa, each at the opposite end with a scratchy blanket over their bodies. Sirius had noticed that Remus had promptly ignored the leather armchair where his father usually sat.

“I’m fine,” Sirius assured him quickly and yawned. “Maybe a bit tired.”

“Upstairs, then?”

The prospect of the hard floor wasn’t exactly appealing, but Sirius had already agreed to it, so he would stick it out.

He nodded, and Remus turned off the telly. They grabbed some grapes and ate them on the way up. Once they were back in Remus’s room, the somewhat awkward atmosphere from earlier returned.

“I can give you my pillow; it might make it a bit softer,” Remus offered, but Sirius waved it off,

“This is plenty.”

Sirius awkwardly shifted the pillows around, trying to figure out how to lie down without his feet touching the bookshelf.

“If you want to talk a bit, you can sit on my bed for a while...”

Sirius had to stifle an amused smile. This situation was so absurd, so uncharacteristically cautious for them. Normally, their conversations and interactions were the most natural thing in the world – as easy as it gets with a years-long friendship.

Sirius came to sit at the bed. He leaned his back against the wall, while Remus sat at the head of the bed, pulling his legs up. Except for the yellow light from the bedside lamp, it was dark, and all they could hear was the clattering rain on the window.

“No reading?,” Sirius said, knowing that’s how Remus probably spent his evenings. He didn’t want to disrupt his habits, didn’t want to be a bother.

“Nah, finished my book earlier. No point starting a new one now.”

“How do you manage to read so much anyway?” Sirius had always wondered. “You’re so busy these times, I hardly see you around.”

Remus shrugged. “I don’t read that much. Not anymore, at least.”

“I remember when we were in primary school, you barely talked to us because your nose was always in a book.”

“I did talk to you!”

“Rarely.”

“But only because you lot were the most annoying people on the planet.”

Sirius chuckled. “We weren’t that bad.”

Remus gave him a look that said otherwise. “You played prank after prank, drove everyone mad despite being popular. The poor teachers, they were never able to relax.”

“And who do you think came up with our best ideas? I’m just saying.”

It was true: Remus had been the mastermind behind their most ingenious and creative pranks.

“I just wanted my peace”, Remus said, though he stifled a smile.

“Just imagine if we hadn’t recognised your brilliant brain in time and crossed you off the list of cool people like the girls did with Petunia.”

“Petunia is two years older than Lily. And besides, I think I would’ve managed just fine.”

“Ah, no way!” Sirius nudged Remus’s shin with his toe. “You’d have ended up as lonely as Snape or Reggie! But I reckon even if we hadn’t become friends back then, we would’ve done eventually.”

“You only think that because we live in a town with less than twenty houses, happen to be the same age, and go to the same school.”

“Isn’t it weird that we’re all about the same age? Jesus, what are the odds... But that’s not why I think that. I mean, maybe that’s why we became friends with the girls. But you?” Sirius paused, hesitating. “It might sound crazy, but I think the four of us are meant to be friends.”

“Hm.” Remus stared at his fingers. “Maybe.”

“Admit it, you’re glad to have us,” Sirius teased, pushing his foot towards Remus’s face. Remus pushed it away in disgust but laughed,

“If only a certain Sirius Black didn’t have the annoying habit of constantly getting on my nerves!”

“Ha! If you think I’m ever going to stop, you’re wrong! It’s so easy to wind you up, what can I do about it?” Sirius asked, chuckling, poking Remus in the side, ruffling his hair, and pressing a pillow to his face while Remus desperately tried to push him away.

The tussle lasted only a few seconds. Remus was stronger and grabbed him by the wrist, causing Sirius to drop the pillow. Remus’s cheeks were flushed, and his hair stuck out in all directions. Sirius laughed at the sight,

“Ohh, look at him, the strong, brave Mr Lupin—”

Remus clapped a hand over his mouth and pushed him back onto the mattress in a swift motion.

“Behave, or I’ll take your blankets away.”

Sirius gulped. He could feel Remus’s breath on his nose; they were that close. He couldn’t move a muscle. The other boy grinned as he pulled away.

“Good. Nice to know you listen to me sometimes.”

“Of course I listen to you, you giant,” replied Sirius, sitting up cross-legged. He commanded his rapidly beating heart to slow down. “You’re taller than me, a fight is hardly fair.”

Remus shook his head, amused. “Finally you’ve accepted it.”

“What?”

“That I’m taller than you.”

“Shut up. Just wait a year or two, I’ll catch up with you.”

Remus had to stifle a grin.

“I’m not joking!” Sirius said firmly.

Remus burst out laughing, 

“A year or two, you say? Well, we’ll see.”

Sirius wasn’t all that confident about what he had just predicted, but he added, “I even bet you. Let’s say twenty-five quid.”

“You’re absolutely bonkers.”

“But so serious.”

“Alright, the bet’s on.”

They shook hands, grinning.

“May the taller one win.”

The rain outside pelted harder than ever at that moment, being so loud they needed to speak louder than a whisper.

“Goodness, look at all that rain...” murmured Remus, looking up where thousands of raindrops splattered against the glass.

“You’d have to be mad to go out in that,” Sirius said ironically.

“Pretty mad,’

“Or that someone had a good reason to go.”

“I think if you’ve no reason to stay, it’s always a good reason to go.”

Sirius couldn’t help but stare at the other boy. He nodded slowly. Remus gave him a small smile. He tugged at the blanket beneath them. Sirius lifted his bum, allowing Remus to pull the blanket over their legs.

“If you want to sleep, I’d better get into my own bed,” Sirius murmured, glancing at the alarm clock. It read half past one. Hope and Lyall had returned half an hour and an hour ago, respectively. He had heard them climb the creaky stairs.

Remus lay back properly on his back,

“Stay as long as you want. The floor is shit anyway.”

“Okay.”

It felt strange to be so close to each other, ready to sleep. It felt more than strange. Sirius couldn't recall them ever doing anything like this. Sure, there had been sleepovers with Peter and James, but they each had their own sleeping arrangements. This felt more private, like peering into a secluded chamber of Remus’s mind that wasn’t usually open to others. It felt intimate in a way. Sirius wasn’t sure if he liked it.

He didn’t move, instead focusing on the opposite wall and kneading his hands. Remus yawned beside him,

“Turn off the light, please?”

Like a robot, Sirius flicked off the bedside lamp. It was pitch dark, as if the earth itself had pulled a soft blanket over it to rest after a terribly long, stressful day.

Now that it was dark, Sirius couldn't see the floor. He knew it was the right time to get into his designated bed. But would he really be able to sleep? Down there, where it was hard and cold, where he’d be alone without a warm body next to him…

Sirius forced himself to relax. He shifted about, trying to find a more comfortable position. Eventually, he slid further down until his head was level with Remus’s.

“You asleep yet?” Sirius tried to sound cheerful though panic flared within him.

“How could I, with you fidgeting so much?” Remus replied after a moment, and Sirius sighed in relief. Remus didn’t sound upset or annoyed that he hadn’t moved.

“Dunno if I can sleep tonight,” Sirius admitted.

“Still troubled by what happened today?”

“A bit.”

“Maybe it help to talk until you eventually fall asleep.”

“I’ve done enough talking for today… Maybe listening would help instead.”

“I’m not going to tell a bedtime story,” Remus grunted half into his pillow.

“You can tell me anything, no matter what.” Just let your voice carry me to sleep.

“Alright, um… lovely weather we had today, wasn’t it?”

“Seriously, the weather?!” Sirius snorted incredulously. Remus’s laughter sounded muffled, and he giggled for a while as if slightly tipsy. Probably because he’s so tired, Sirius thought.

“What do you want to hear then?” Remus whispered.

“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”

“You already know everything about me.”

“We both know that’s not true. I know barely half of you.”

“That already feels like a lot.”

Sirius couldn't suppress the smile that formed on his mouth. He ran a hand over his lips,

“I’m waiting…”

Remus sighed. Seconds ticked by slowly as he pondered.

“Fine. Just to make you shut up. As a child, I got scared if I could see the light through the crack in my door.”

Sirius turned his head towards him. The darkness barely revealed the outline of his face, of his body. They were face to face.

“How come?”

“The light meant my dad was coming home, drunk and frustrated with himself and the world. I’d be lying in bed, just about to fall asleep. I always had trouble sleeping. Mum taught me to make up stories to help me drift off. So, it’s all dark around me, and after waiting forever, sleep is almost taking me.”

Sirius listened to his gentle voice, the rain’s soft patter.

“But then the hallway light would go on, and I’d hear my mum’s desperate voice and my father’s angry one, quietly arguing over God knows what. I’d pull the blanket over my head to make it dark again and try to block out the sounds. Most times, I had to start my story over from the beginning.”

Sirius waited, wondering if this was the end of it,

“That’s a sad story.”

“Not sad,” Remus murmured. “I was six or seven.”

“Still sad.”

Remus yawned,

“Whatever.”

Silence.

“Do you still get scared when the light goes on?”

Remus seemed to consider this. Sirius felt him shrug beside him,

“Obviously not.”

“Good. You don’t need to be scared. Your father’s an idiot.”

“Just like yours.”

Sirius snorted half-heartedly.

“You satisfied now? Or do you want more sad secrets about me? Because I’m not sure I have any.”

“Oh, I’d love that, but I think you’d fall asleep by the second sentence, so it wouldn’t be very effective.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Remus yawned again.

Suddenly, Sirius noticed how tired he was as well, how he could barely form coherent sentences anymore.

“Good night, Moony. And thanks.”

“Night.”

For a moment, Sirius lay still as a stone, waiting to see if Remus would say anything. Maybe he’d realise how weird it was that Sirius was still in the same bed and wonder why Sirius hadn’t thought to leave yet.

But Remus said nothing. His breathing grew more even and shallow, and after a long while, he didn’t move at all. He must have fallen asleep already. Sirius thought about how Remus had toiled at the Lovegood farm that afternoon. No wonder he fell asleep so quickly.

Sirius listened to the rain dripping irregularly above them. He listend to the steady rise and fall of Remus’s chest. He had turned onto his stomach, facing Sirius. The sheet now covered him only from the hips down.

In the faint moonlight, Sirius allowed himself to look at him; the gentle, relaxed face now completely still in sleep, framed by curls. The face delicate and like a contrast between this stormy day and a peaceful cloud that wandered through the air.

Sirius didn’t know what came over him or where he found the courage, but he reached out, his fingers moving ever so cautiously as if Remus’s skin were porcelain, and gently brushed a strand of hair from his eyes.

Remus didn’t stir, didn’t even blink.

His hand wandered further down over the other boys’ bare shoulders. Centimetres separated skin from skin. Sirius didn’t dare touch him.

As the last raindrops settled on the window, he had to restrain his growing urge to lay his fingertips on Remus’s back and tap out the delicate rhythm. Tap tap tap.

A noise from outside made him start, and he quickly turned onto his back, staring up the ceiling.

Shame welled up in his throat, making him feel like he might be sick. He didn’t dare move, didn’t dare think about what he had just done or nearly done. He felt the heat rising in his body. What had happened? He was panicking.

Slowly, so as not to wake the boy beside him, he climbed out of bed, made his way through the darkness, and sat on the floor. Never in his life had he felt so strange. He couldn’t name this feeling.

Remus wanted to be kind, wanted to give him a chance to find peace after this dreadful night, and instead, Sirius ruined everything by—what? By not being able to control his typical Sirius-urges and once again overstepping the moment with his blatant ideas?

A normal boy wouldn’t do this to his friend.

As Sirius lay there trying to control his breathing and ignore the strange feeling in his stomach, he vowed to himself that he would better himself for the sake of his friendship with Remus. The other boy in that room meant more than the thought that had come to him in that blissful second when all he wanted to do was reach out and touch Remus. He meant more, and Sirius couldn't risk it by messing everything up.

He couldn’t bear to lose him.

Chapter Text

Sirius didn’t sleep well that night. He tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position to quiet his racing mind. When he finally drifted off, it must have been early dawn. At least, that’s what it felt like when he briefly woke up due to a sudden movement he sensed with his eyes closed.

Too tired to open his eyes, he quickly fell back asleep.

The next time he woke, it was to the soft sound of voices from downstairs. He sat up and found Remus’s bed empty. A brief wave of panic swept through Sirius as he realised he was alone in the room. 

The clock on the bedside table read just past ten. He had slept longer than he thought. Surprisingly, his bones didn’t ache; the nest of soft pillows had served its purpose.

Sirius rubbed the sleep from his eyes, yawning. He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he go downstairs and see what the voices were talking about? Were the Lupins having breakfast, and would he interrupt them with his presence? Should he stay put and wait for Remus to return? Where was Remus anyway? Had he left him alone, and would he come back?

Sirius decided to go downstairs. If Remus hadn’t yet explained to his parents why Sirius had run away from home in the stormy night, he would need to come up with a good enough excuse, as he wasn’t sure he could recount the events of the previous night again. He was tired.

Lyall, Hope, and Remus were sitting at the breakfast table. Their eyes all turned to him as he entered the room. He muttered an awkward “Good morning”, unsure of what to do.

Oddly enough, it was Lyall who spoke first: “Morning. Coffee or tea?”

Sirius and Remus answered at the same time. “Tea.” But when their eyes met, Remus quickly looked down at his coffee.

Lyall grunted and gestured with a nod for Sirius to sit on the last plastic chair. Hope got up and set out a plate, knife, and cup. She smiled warmly at him. “Did you sleep well? I wasn’t sure if you wanted breakfast, so I didn’t set anything out.”

Sirius gratefully accepted the teapot. “It’s alright, I didn’t expect much from my surprise visit. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Hope waved off his apology with exaggerated friendliness, making it clear she hadn’t thought such a thing. “Nonsense! You’re no inconvenience at all, not in the slightest! Do you like some eggs? Some toast? The milk is fresh, Remus brought it from the Lovegoods this morning.”

Sirius said yes to everything and let Hope load up his plate. So, Remus had already done some work on the farm this morning. Sirius looked over at him and noticed the dark circles under his eyes. His hair was curlier and more unkempt than usual from the damp morning air. Lyall occasionally grunted into his cup, his attention otherwise on a tool catalogue opened on the table.

Remus silently peeled an orange. When he looked up and saw Sirius watching him, he wordlessly offered him half. Sirius accepted and bit into the soft flesh. The juice was sweet, reminding him of past hot summer days.

For a while, the four of them ate breakfast, though it was mostly Sirius who ate his eggs and bacon. The others sipped their coffee, seemingly waiting. The silence was unbearable, until Hope finally started a conversation,

“Sirius, how about you help Remus tidy up the shed today? We need to get it organised before winter sets in. Do you have some time?”

Sirius tried to catch Remus’s eye, but he avoided his gaze. Sirius desperately hoped that Remus wasn’t suddenly repulsed by last night or ashamed of Sirius’s behaviour.

“I’ve got time,” he answered, his mind elsewhere. A second too late, he remembered he had planned not to delay his return for too long.

“Wonderful!” Hope exclaimed happily. “Lyall, you can help the boys, then—”

“Can’t,” Lyall interrupted. “My back won’t take it.”

“At least sweep the floor. It’s full of shavings from the woodwork in September.”

Lyall responded with an annoyed grunt. Hope shook her head in displeasure, looking as though she’d love nothing more than to knock the brochure out of Lyall's hand to get his full attention. She took a deep breath and said casually, "Yesterday at the women's meeting, Lucy and Amanda told me that their husbands' company has new job openings. Office jobs. Quite refined, without much physical strain."

Lyall's moustache quivered threateningly. As if he hadn't heard his wife, he turned the page.

"They said their husbands earn a decent amount of money. They even get a bonus. And they’re insured and—"

"Oh, come off!" Lyall shouted angrily. "Can’t we have one breakfast without you throwing an accusation at me, Hope? Just once!"

Hope sank back in her chair. She wiped her mouth with a cloth and began stacking the empty plates. "I wasn’t accusing you. I was just saying what the women told me about their husbands' work. They’re all satisfied. And let me tell you, they don’t struggle every month to make ends meet!"

Lyall stood up so abruptly that the table shook. "That’s great for them, but I couldn’t care less about some wimps who sit comfortably in their chairs all day, drinking coffee and chatting about politics and stocks and all that rubbish! They ain't real workers! Real workers do hard labour!" His angry eyes briefly met Sirius's. It was obvious Lyall also meant Sirius's father.

"And what’re you doing all day long, huh?" Remus asked quietly, with a sarcastic tone. It was the first time he had spoken that morning.

Lyall hurled the brochure with such force that it knocked over Remus's cup. The liquid spilled onto the table, soaking Remus's T-shirt.

"What the hell?!" Remus shouted, jumping aside. "Are you mad?"

"Don’t you dare get cheeky with your old man!"

Lyall made a move to throw his plate, but Hope stepped in front of her son, blocking his path. She was noticeably smaller than both her son and husband, yet Sirius had no doubt she would fight back if it came to that.

"For heaven’s sake, calm down!" she commanded. "Go upstairs or drive over to Jerry’s. But get out of this kitchen! We have a guest. Act like an adult for once!"

Sirius had never seen Hope so angry. In fact, he had never seen a woman in such a state, apart from his own mother.

Lyall slapped the back of his chair. He stomped over to the fridge, grabbed two beers, and stormed out of the house, slamming the front door so hard the family photo on the wall nearly fell. In the ensuing silence, you could hear a pin drop.

Hope hurriedly collected the plates and put them on the kitchen counter. She turned on the tap and started washing up.

"Remus, darling, would you be so kind as to clean up this mess? There's a cloth over there."

Remus did nothing of the sort. He stood there, staring with a pained expression at the spot where his dad had just been. Instead, Sirius took the cloth and wiped up the coffee. He was grateful for something to do. In this peculiar, tense moment, he would have done anything not to stand around uselessly.

He went over to Remus and dabbed at the hem of his T-shirt with the cloth.

"What’re you doing?"

"Trying to get the coffee stain out," Sirius explained, as if it weren’t obvious.

Remus stared at him, baffled. Then he stepped aside. "Stop. It’s pointless."

"How about you two head over to the shed and start working, hmm?" Hope suggested.

"He's such an idiot," Remus muttered angrily, ignoring his mother’s suggestion. "You know that, right, Mum? He's the biggest idiot on this earth. He talks about noble work as if he's ever done anything meaningful for society!"

Hope said nothing, though her dishwashing grew rougher.

"How can he be so ignorant?!" Remus’s voice rose. "He does nothing but sulk all day, he hardly ever goes out and blames everyone and everything—"

"Remus John Lupin!" Hope's voice was shrill. "Go now."

Remus's rant came to an abrupt halt. His eyes burned as he glared at his mother’s back.

"Come on." Sirius grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him into the hallway. He didn’t know if Remus could have made the move on his own, or what would happen if the argument continued. He didn’t let go until they were in his room. Only when the door clicked shut did he release his grip.

Now they stood there: both breathing heavily, both angry in different ways and unable to control their emotions.

Sirius scanned Remus’s face for any sign of whether he wanted to talk about it or not. His mouth was a grim line, his eyes wild, and his eyebrows furrowed as usual. It was the face of a boy Sirius might imagine reading about in a novel describing earlier events.

"Fucking dick," Remus cursed, still furious. He yanked open his wardrobe harder than necessary and began rummaging inside.

"What’s the plan?"

"Getting work clothes. You should change too."

Sirius looked down at himself. Embarrassed, he realised that he was still wearing the clothes Remus had lent him the previous night.

"Right. I, um... I’ll go to the loo then..." He made an awkward gesture backward, which was completely unnecessary since Remus wasn’t paying attention to him anyway. He was still rummaging and opened a drawer of socks.

"There's a toothbrush in the cupboard above the sink you can use," Remus called after him.

In the bathroom, Sirius marvelled at how similar breakfast with the Lupins could be to breakfast with the Blacks. The two families seemed completely different, yet both were capable of sudden escalation from a seemingly harmless moment.

***

Hope had tasked them with clearing out the tools Lyall needed for minor fieldwork and storing them in the shed so that the winter frost wouldn’t damage them. The problem was that the shed was the most cluttered place Sirius had ever seen.

“Fucking hell,” was all he muttered before stepping inside.

They began by lifting numerous items off the floor and stacking them in a somewhat empty corner. They worked mostly in silence. Sirius had made several attempts to lighten the mood with jokes, but he gave up after Remus barely acknowledged him. After an hour, they had cleared enough of the floor to make it mostly walkable, allowing them to get to the shelves. Now they had to put the boxes, tools, hoses, and other items back on the shelves. For half of these things, Sirius didn’t even have a clue what he was holding.

“Why do you need all this junk anyway?” Sirius asked, holding up a plastic bag of loose screws. Remus, who was loading some heavy-looking wooden planks into a wheelbarrow on the other side of the shed, looked up.

“We don’t, but Dad thinks otherwise. According to him, these things might come in handy one day.”

“Right. And what exactly is a pile of rusted screws supposed to be useful for?”

Remus dropped two heavy planks into the wheelbarrow and walked over to him. His T-shirt was smeared with streaks of the oil they had just found and carried out, his trousers had a hole at the knee, and his hair was sticking out in all directions.

Blimey, Sirius didn’t want to know how dirty his own clothes were. He had tied his long hair back with a rubber band at the nape of his neck to keep it out of his way, but now he thought his hairstyle must be a disaster.

Remus took the bag from him. “We’ll throw these in the bin. New plan: anything that looks broken to you, we’ll chuck over there in the corner. Then we’ll get rid of all this crap.”

“Your dad won’t get angry?”

“Don’t care. The shed has been in this awful state for far too long, and he’s never needed anything from here.”

“Alright then,” Sirius agreed, placing the broken hammer he had just found in the designated corner as well.

Another hour passed as they worked side by side, tidying up, clearing out, and cleaning. Occasionally, Sirius would show Remus a tool and wait for his judgement on whether it was broken enough to be discarded. Remus said yes to almost everything.

And as they worked in that shed, minute by minute, Sirius realised that this clear-out was Remus’s subtle but ruthless form of revenge.

***

In the afternoon, Hope summoned the two boys to the kitchen and gave them some juice. The work had exhausted Sirius, and he could already feel his muscles growing tired. However, the job wasn't done yet—the shed was much tidier than before, but they still needed to move the fresh wood out to where it would be stored for winter.

Sirius took a sip of his orange juice. As he drank, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Hope’s worried expression was directed at him. She sat down at the table, nervously removed her reading glasses, and sighed deeply,

“Effie just rang me.”

Ah. So that was it. The time had come for him to face the consequences of his actions. He waited.

“She asked if I knew where you were. Apparently, your mum called her earlier this afternoon and accused her of—”

“Accused her of what?” he interrupted, cringing. He hadn’t wanted Effie to be held responsible for his foolish, reckless actions.

“Mrs Black thinks the Potters… well, how should I put it… kidnapped you?”

“What the hell?!” Sirius couldn’t contain his curse. He might have apologised to other adults for such outbursts, but Hope didn’t seem to mind.

“Anyway, Mrs Black made quite a fuss with dear Effie. Effie, of course, denied that you were being held captive, but she still couldn’t say where you were. Obviously, she didn’t confess to Walburga. She asked me if I knew where you were, and apparently she also called the Pettigrews, because Claire then called the McKinnons, and Marc got back to me again.”

Sirius felt miserable. Just look at what his escape had caused: half the village was in a state of concern! He had never intended for it to go this far—he should have gone back long ago. It was his problem, his responsibility. He was a coward for not facing his issues.

He exchanged a look with Remus.

“Look, Mum,” Remus began in an attempt to clarify the situation. “Sirius surely didn’t want for this huge search operation to start—”

“I don’t know what he wanted. I haven’t the faintest idea why he suddenly decided to show up here!”

This confirmed Sirius's suspicion: Remus had spun some sort of story to his parents that morning.

Hope sighed. “In the end, it’s not that important. But it’s not right for half the village to not know where you are. You should’ve told someone.” She looked at Sirius with that grave expression adults get when they want to impart something important to children.

Sirius felt like a silly little bunny that had once again walked right into the fox’s trap. The Blacks had him in their clutches, and he hadn’t managed to escape once again. Although, he’d never really intended to escape, had he? Sirius wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore.

He knew he needed to apologise to everyone involved.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here without saying anything.”

“It’s alright...” Hope sighed. She got up and gave his arm a brief reassuring pat. “But I think you owe Effie an apology, above all. She was really worried; you should’ve heard her voice.” She smiled at him, but Sirius felt unable to return the smile convincingly.

A lump formed in his throat.

“It’s probably best if you pack your things, if you have any, and head back home.”

He nodded. He nodded as if he needed to give himself courage with that agreement.

“I didn’t bring anything with me.”

“I’ll ring Effie back and let her know that everything’s fine. That’s the case, is it?”

Hope waited, but Sirius’s eyes flicked to Remus, who was watching him attentively.

“Absolutely. Just a row with the parents. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

“Right, I believe you, Sirius. Well then.” She accompanied him to the door.

“Wait a sec, Padfoot. You’ve got your jacket upstairs,” Remus said, hurrying up the stairs.

Sirius tied his shoelaces, just to keep his hands busy. Hope glanced out the window, saying, “At least it’s not raining anymore.” She smiled at him over her shoulder. “You know we’re always here to help you. But we need to handle this situation differently. It might seem unfair to you now that you can’t stay, but soon enough you’ll understand there was no other way. That doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless though, yeah?”

She pointed a finger at him, as if accusing him of thinking otherwise. Sirius did find the situation quite hopeless, but he did her the favour of managing a smile.

Remus returned and handed him the jacket. Hope smiled one last time before she bid him farewell and retreated to the kitchen to make the phone call. The boys went out onto the porch.

“So, what’s the plan for the shed?” Sirius asked. The fresh air made him feel much less trapped and miserable, though that might also be because he was finally alone with Remus. With him, he could pretend it was just a normal day and he was heading home.

Remus shrugged. “Keep tidying up.”

“And throw all the broken stuff on the rubbish pile?” Sirius emphasised the word “broken” with air quotes, grinning.

Remus’s mouth also broke into a grin. “You know, I like to keep things easy in life.”

“Oh, since when’s that?”

“Since I learned that sometimes it’s best to just say ‘sod it’ and get rid of things you don’t need anymore.”

“Makes sense.”

“Absolutely.”

A pause followed. There they stood, awkwardly, not sure what to say next.

“Well then…” Remus began.

Sirius nodded stiffly. “Well then... I don’t want to keep the dear family waiting any longer.”

“Give them my regards,” Remus said sarcastically.

“Will do.”

Sirius lingered for a moment longer.

“Right then. I bet they can’t wait to see their masterpiece of a son again,” he joked, before turning away and giving one last wave. Remus’s laughter in his ears was a reassurance that it wouldn’t be quite as bad as he feared.

***

Perhaps it was the cold November or his fear of ringing the doorbell – whatever it was, his body couldn’t stop trembling.

The maid, Katy, opened the door for him and let him into the hallway.

“I’m to ask you to wait here,” she said, disappearing into a room, presumably to fetch his parents. Sirius had no choice but to stand there like a stranger in his own home, waiting for the hosts.

The hostess appeared; her face as cold as it had been the day before. How could it be that only a single day had passed since then? It felt as if he had been away for weeks, yet at the same time, it seemed like only a single breath had passed since he ran away.

“Sirius, if you would please follow me to the library.”

As if on autopilot, his feet followed her. His father was already waiting in a green velvet armchair, holding a newspaper and an espresso halfway to his mouth.

“Look who’s here,” he barked, putting the newspaper aside. “If this isn’t the biggest hypocrite on earth.”

“Is Reggie here?” Sirius dared to ask, but his mother raised her hand.

“Be quiet. You’re going to listen to us now.”

The lecture lasted over an hour. Walburga sat down beside her husband while Sirius stood before them like a foolish schoolboy awaiting a beating from his teacher. He tried to maintain a straight posture so his parents wouldn’t see his fear, but no matter how hard he tried, his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He hid them behind his back, where he dug his fingernails into the flesh of his palms.

Sirius had to listen to the precious history and glorious tradition of the Blacks and the thousand reasons why he would never live up to them if he continued as he had. The words were harsh and sharp as knives. He could do little more than listen and wait for it to be over. As always when his parents grounded him, he imagined he was someone else; someone perhaps stronger than he was, or better at handling the punishment.

They dismissed him with the order to stay in his room and only come out in the morning for school. That wasn’t a problem; he had no intention of sneaking around the house anyway. After school, he was to return home immediately without protest, complete his homework, attend piano lessons, and help prepare dinner in the kitchen. During dinner, he was to keep quiet unless he had something meaningful to contribute to the conversation. Before bed, he was to read the literature his mother chose for him, then go to his room and sleep.

The following day would be exactly the same.

The coming period was going to be a wretched one.

He wouldn’t have any opportunity to contact James, Remus, or Peter outside of school, as all contact with them had been forbidden.

“And if you don’t stick to these rules, we’re only a phone call away from enrolling you in a boarding school up in Bath,” his mother had added sternly, probably out of fear that Sirius might find ways to contact his friends again.

He had endured all these rules, all these regulations and orders, because there was no escape from this nightmare. He stood silently and motionlessly, listening to the chatter until his brother’s name was mentioned.

“Regulus will ensure that your contact with your friends is kept to a minimum during school. He will accompany you to and from school. He will be in the same room during piano lessons, making sure you don’t drive Mr Martin mad. And if you try to get rid of your brother, remember our warning about the boarding school.”

His little brother would follow him step by step, like a pesky insect Sirius couldn’t shake off. What kind of punishment was that? Regulus would never have agreed to do this; he hated wasting his time with Sirius just as much as Sirius hated being monitored at every step.

But there was no way to protest or resist: what was said now stood in the rulebook, it was law, and Sirius had to abide by it.

He went to his room without encountering Reggie. Presumably, he had retreated to safety to avoid the parents’ wrath. The coward had always been better at staying out of trouble.

Sirius didn’t shower, didn’t brush his teeth – he lacked the motivation. He put on his pyjamas and immediately fell into bed, closed his eyes and did not open them again until his alarm went off.

Chapter Text

“What’re you doing here?”

Regulus said nothing. Sirius rolled his eyes,

“Are you bloody serious? I can’t even take a piss in peace without you watching me?”

Again, no answer, just a grim face.

“Oh my God, someone please free me from this nightmare!”

Sirius pushed the door open harder than necessary, but that was fine - he was angry. He had been to the loo and had barely washed his hands when he saw his brother standing against the wall, waiting for him to finish. How had Regulus even known he was in there?! He must have some kind of psychic ability.

The third period had just started, so the corridor was completely empty. Sirius had survived the fourth school day with Regulus as his personal shadow as well as the previous days: by trying his best to ignore him and going about his usual routine.

After break, he had told his friends to go to class without him, saying he wanted to use the loo. He had used this as an excuse, hoping to avoid his little brother, who usually waited for him to walk him to class.

Well, that hadn’t worked out.

“You’re still not talking to me?” Sirius prodded as they climbed the stairs together. No answer, just a stubborn straight-ahead stare. “Don’t you care about being late? Funny that, I always thought of you as a goody-two-shoes.”

Regulus looked like he was about to explode any second. And exactly that was Sirius’ plan: he thought that if he kept annoying his brother, Regulus might eventually leave him alone.

Unfortunately, Regulus was more persistent than anticipated.

“Do they pay you to keep an eye on me?”

“I’m not keeping an eye on you,” Regulus snapped back stiffly.

Sirius laughed incredulously,

“Oh, so what do you think you’re doing here?!”

“I’m making sure you don’t act up and that you stick to the agreement with Mother and Father.”

“Agreement?! In what world was that an agreement? I never agreed to anything! If I don’t behave, they’ll send me away. That’s what’s going on here!”

“Then you’d better not act stupid and hold yourself back,” Regulus hissed, looking him in the eye for the first time in a long while. Did Sirius detect a hint of concern in his warning glance? But no, it must have been a trick of the light. Regulus’ expression remained steely.

They reached Sirius’ classroom.

“You probably don’t care anyway. The sooner I’m gone, the sooner you’ll be a full-fledged member of the Black empire.” And with that, Sirius entered the classroom without knocking, leaving Regulus alone in the corridor.

The English lesson with Mrs McGonagall dragged on slowly. As she stood at the front and droned on about modern literature, Sirius stared out of the window, watching the bare trees and grey clouds hanging low in the sky.

James, who sat a row behind him, kept trying to get his attention; he snapped his fingers, whispered his name, clicked his tongue – he even raised his hand just to walk up front for an assignment, so he could tap on Sirius’ desk on his way back.

“What do you want, Potter?” Sirius whispered to him, watching McGonagall as she chose the next candidate.

“You free after school today? Dad wanted to take me to London. You can come along if you wa-”

“Can’t,” Sirius interrupted James, without turning to look at him. He could imagine the disappointed face all too well.

“Oh, okay,” James murmured, clearly dissatisfied. “It would’ve been real class though. And I’m sure we could find a way to get you-”

“Mr Potter!”

“Yes, ma’am?”

McGonagall had noticed their secret conversation. She smiled smugly, 

“I see you still have something on your mind. Come to the front and enlighten us about the author who significantly influenced literature during the Renaissance.”

“Of course!”

James stood up confidently, without a hint of embarrassment. And while he rambled something about John Milton in front of the class, Sirius’ thoughts drifted back to the beginning of the week, when he had seen his friends for the first time again and was immediately confronted by an inquisitive James…

His friends were already on the bus. Sirius and Regulus had been the last to board. James called him over and pointed to the empty seat next to him. Sirius sat down, but he wasn’t in the mood to discuss the events. He would have had to explain to James why he hadn’t come over to his place, and Sirius didn’t know how to answer that question.

James – Sirius’ best friend since childhood – had instantly sensed Sirius’ mood and left him mostly alone during the ride. He chattered about some football player transfer that was apparently very important, but Sirius only listened out of politeness, and James was only having this conversation because he didn’t know what else to do. This gave Sirius the chance to pretend everything was normal, as if his family hadn’t turned him into this obedient puppet on a string.

Before class, James ordered Peter to run to the kiosk, and Peter eagerly took everyone’s orders. Sirius was grateful, but at the same time, he would have appreciated some time apart from his friends. He felt pressured and wanted everything to return to normal.

The girls apparently knew from Remus or James, as they treated him more considerately than usual; they refrained from teasing him and exchanging annoyed glances as they normally would when he said something. Though, that might also have been because he hardly said anything all morning. The four of them stood in a small circle, chatting animatedly about Mary’s boyfriend Tom, who had apparently promised her some super romantic Christmas gift.

“I really have no idea what he’s planned,” Mary giggled happily. “But knowing him, it’ll be something expensive. After all, his family is absolutely minted."

“Mary! Honestly!” Marlene gasped in shock, but Dorcas laughed all the louder.

“What? I’m just saying he has the means for something flashy,” Mary explained shamelessly. “I’ve no problem admitting that I like getting presents. So what? I’m always saying, if he wanted to, he would…”

The girls burst into laughter. But they all seemed to agree with Mary, as they nodded in approval.

“Oh Mary. Never change,” Lily sighed, resting her head on Mary’s shoulder and giving her a squeeze.

“What do you think, Sirius?” Mary suddenly asked him, and Sirius instantly regretted not joining Remus and James, who were just a few metres away discussing their history homework.

“Erm-”

“You’re a bloke. Any idea what Tom might get me?”

“I hardly know him,” Sirius replied lamely. It was true: Tom Wright was a year above them and spent very little time in Godric’s Hollow. That didn’t bother Mary, though. Her father lived in town anyway and she loved visiting the Wrights' monstrous house.

She clicked her tongue in dissatisfaction. “Useless as always.”

It was a typical comment from her and typical of their dynamic. Sirius didn’t think much of it. However, Lily shot Mary a pointed look that she immediately understood.

With wide eyes, Mary stammered, “Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean usually, we can rely on your expert opinion on many things.”

Marlene and Lily nodded in agreement.

“You’re basically the smartest one out of you boys,” Dorcas added unexpectedly. Compliments from Dorcas? They really must have lost their minds…

“I thought that was Moony?” Sirius teased. Let them fawn over him a bit more.

“Nonsense,” Marlene quickly said. “We only said that for fun.”

“I see.”

“And none of them are as handsome as you,” Mary added.

“Well, that’s true.”

Mary’s left eye twitched slightly, as if it took some effort not to give a sharp reply. Instead, she nodded several times,

“Glad we agree.”

Sirius winked at her. He enjoyed that they felt obliged to be nice to him so he wouldn’t feel worse. Honestly, he wouldn’t mind if they were just as bold and sarcastic as usual. At least then everything would feel normal.

With a quick wave, he excused himself from the conversation he hadn't really been part of to begin with before it got even more awkward. He joined James and Remus, who had their school bags on the floor and notebooks in hand.

“Thanks a million for letting me copy, Moony,” James muttered, focused as he scribbled a few words into his notebook. “You’re totally saving my arse.”

Sirius sneaked up on them unnoticed, then abruptly grabbed James’s shoulders.

“Gotcha!” he cried, making the boys jump.

“Blimey, I thought you were Mr Binns for a second! Don’t scare me like that!” James clutched his chest, trying to calm down.

“So, you didn’t do the history essay?”

“Nope,” James admitted unhappily. “I was at practice last night. Lost track of time, and then Mum had to pick me up because I missed the bus. She was pretty pissed off…”

“Well, I did the homework,” Sirius said pompously.

“For once,” Remus murmured quietly.

"Funnily enough I'm so bored in my room that I’ve no choice but to do my homework."

"Maybe your house arrest is actually a good thing," Remus said with a raised eyebrow.

"Hmm," Sirius responded. "Watch out, Moony, or else I'll take your place as the biggest swot in this school."

"That's Evans."

"Then the place as the best student."

“Also not me.”

“The papers say otherwise.”

They held eye contact for a few seconds longer before Sirius turned to James, who had been ignoring his friends' banter.

"You done now or what?" Sirius asked impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah, one sec. Just because you did your homework once in your entire school career doesn't mean you can lecture me."

"Oh, but I can," Sirius grinned. "By the way, Pete's taking quite a while with the shopping. Think he got caught?

"Pete's old enough to look after himself," James mumbled distractedly.

"That wasn't really my question..."

But James didn’t have to answer. At that moment, the bell rang, signalling the start of the lesson. The few students who had stayed outside in the cold to smoke quickly rushed in.

Regulus, who had been standing with the other village kids the whole time without talking to them, made no move to join the students.

"Why're you not going in?" Sirius asked him, puzzled, but Regulus just shrugged,

"I'm waiting."

"There's an eighty percent chance we'll be late."

Regulus stared at him, unfazed. "I'm waiting."

So much for that.

After a few minutes, Peter finally returned with two plastic bags full of sweets and baked goods. He lifted them in the air, and the others cheered enthusiastically.

"My first time and I didn't get caught!" he announced proudly.

"Well done." James handed Remus his homework back and stuffed his copied version into his bag. "Thanks again, mate. I owe you one."

"That the essay we were supposed to write for Binns?" Peter asked, trying to get a look at Remus’s notebook. "Shit, I completely forgot about it. Reckon there’s still time to copy a few things?"

Remus was about to give his essay to anxious Peter, but James said, "Sorry, mate, but I think it's too late for that. Look." He nodded towards the entrance, where a prefect was frantically waving the remaining nine students over.

Peter's head drooped in disappointment. "Grand. That means detention."

James threw an encouraging arm around him. "Don't worry. Today you had to make a sacrifice, but you made us all happy. What a legend."

As Lily held up the bag of sweets with a beaming smile, Peter smiled contentedly.

"Let's go inside. I'm freezing my tits off," Mary complained, linking arms with Lily, who linked with Marlene, who linked with Dorcas. In this four-person chain, they walked towards the entrance. Satisfied that the last students were finally heading inside, the prefect turned on his heel.

Peter and Remus followed the girls, but James held Sirius back by the arm.

"Go on ahead, we'll catch up," he told the other two. "You too, Regulus, just one sec."

Regulus didn’t move,

"I have to wait for Sirius."

James seemed to consider for a moment how likely it was he could convince Regulus to leave them alone. Finally, he nodded in acceptance,

"Okay, suit yourself."

James pulled Sirius aside by the arm, so they weren't out of earshot but had a bit of privacy.

The boy got straight to the point,

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

James gave him a knowing look. Sirius took a deep breath,

"I really don't know what to say, James."

"Come on. What happened?"

"The usual." Sirius avoided his gaze. "They got a bit… overheated?"

"So overheated they threw you out? They've never done that before-"

"They didn’t throw me out."

James raised his eyebrows in surprise. "They didn’t?"

"No. I left."

"Of your own accord?"

"For God's sake, yes, of my own accord." Sirius rolled his eyes. Did James think he didn’t have the guts to do it?

"Okay, fair enough. I'm just trying to understand why you didn’t come to us."

That was the wrong thing to say because Sirius felt the heat rising in his body, getting angry without meaning to.

"So you think my decision to go to the Lupins was wrong?"

James's eyes widened, and he stumbled over his words. "No, no, of course not. I… I mean, it was … unexpected, that's all."

"In what way unexpected?" Sirius demanded. James was visibly searching for a reasonable explanation that wouldn’t make Sirius angrier.

"Look," he began in a gentle tone. "I'm just trying to say you can always come to us. Always. And, uh… Mum, she was…" Here he failed to keep the gentle tone, and a hint of hardness crept in. "Mum was worried, of course. You should've heard Walburga – she was like a fury. Mum didn’t deny you were with us, but she never explicitly confirmed it either. We had no idea where you were."

Sirius swallowed. He’d had enough of this guilt.

"I'm sorry, okay? You want me to explain myself, to tell you exactly why I went to the Lupins instead to you. But I can’t. I’ve no idea, but at the moment, it seemed the right decision."

James nodded slowly, but his eyebrows were still furrowed.

"Why didn’t you tell Hope what happened? Did anyone know?"

"Remus knew."

"Ah."

They stared into each other’s eyes intensely for a second. At that moment, Sirius's greatest fear was that James might think Sirius wanted to replace him with someone else. How could he make him understand that no one could ever replace him? He was his best friend; in a way he was like his brother.

"At least you could confide in him," said James, and it wasn’t an accusation, but Sirius didn’t feel treated fairly.

"I’ll tell you everything, I promise," he tried to offer as an apology, though he wasn’t sure if that’s what James wanted.

"That’d be nice," the dark-haired boy replied uncertainly.

The situation they found themselves in was new territory for them. In all the years they’d known each other, they’d never had a fight. Although, this couldn’t be called a fight. It was… Sirius didn’t know what it was.

A small crack in the perfect facade? A painful reminder that even the closest of friends could not entirely avoid gaps in trust, no matter how deep their bond?

No matter what it was, Sirius was relieved when this strange encounter finally came to an end. He flashed James a cheeky grin and playfully nudged him in the side with his fist.

“Fancy skipping school?”

Just then, a cough sounded from behind them, reminding the two boys that Regulus was standing barely two metres away and had likely heard every word. James waggled his eyebrows,

“I’d Love to, Padfoot. How about we hit Rock & Sound first? I heard they’ve got some new classics in stock.”

“That’s a brilliant idea!” Sirius grinned back. “After that we grab some ice cream from the supermarket. Sounds good, Mr Prongs?”

“If it suits you, Mr Padfoot, it certainly suits me!”

“Wonderful, because I don’t know anyone who’d mind our little excursion.”

They burst out laughing. Regulus scowled,

“If you leave, I’ll have to report you to the headmaster.”

“Hmm, how odd… Did you hear something, Mr Prongs?”

James pretended to listen,

“You mean this suspicious silence?”

“Indeed, it’s quite suspicious, isn’t it? Perhaps we should go inside instead?”

“That’s an even better idea!” James said playfully and then added mysteriously, “Who knows what unpleasant characters might be lurking in this suspicious silence…”

***

Back in the present, Sirius snapped out of his daydreams. The lesson had ended. Students were beginning to pack up their things around him.

Shit, had he fallen asleep? If McGonagall had noticed, a detention was as good as certain. If his parents found out, they’d kill him.

"Mr Black!"

Oh God, she had noticed.

Hastily, he gathered his belongings and hurried to her desk.

“What’s up?” He tried to sound casual, but McGonagall’s stern expression didn’t often give way to charm.

“I have a suspicion that you don’t find our current topic very engaging.”

Sirius acted surprised. “What? Oh no, ma’am. I, um, find literature through the ages absolutely riveting!”

McGonagall tilted her head and raised an eyebrow,

“Well, if you say so. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but think that you might benefit from a bit more reading. So you can prepare for the next lesson, and well, how shall I put it… switch off.”

Sirius’s heart sank. He wasn’t being given detention? Miracles do happen.

“Very well, Mrs McGonagall. You know what an aspiring student I am.”

McGonagall pursed her lips, which might have passed for a smile in her view.

They discussed the reading he was supposed to tackle, and she handed him a note to give to the librarian.

“Ms Pince will take care of it.”

Sirius nodded and turned to leave. James was already waiting at the door.

“Oh, and Sirius?”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“Don’t forget, my office door is always open if you want to discuss… your reading.”

***

The bus came to a sudden, rattling halt, causing Sirius to nearly smack his head against the seat in front of him.

"Gerald, for heaven’s sake, watch where you’re going!" Petunia complained from further up the bus, having actually bumped her head.

"Missed the fence," Gerald mumbled around his cigarette.

"How can you miss a fence?!" Marlene asked in disbelief.

Instead of answering, Gerald opened the door and let the Godric’s Hollow kids out, but not before calling after them with a snarky tone, "You’d better not be late tomorrow!" He shot a pointed look at Sirius. "Or else you’ll have to figure out how to get to school yourself."

Sirius showed him a rude gesture, but before Gerald could step off and get physical, James quickly grabbed him by the jacket.

"Don’t act thick."

It was after three o'clock, and normally Sirius and his friends would spend the rest of the day goofing off and killing time until dinner. However, since the beginning of the week, Sirius had been rushing to Grimmauld Place; otherwise, there’d be trouble. The piano lesson with Mr Martin was set to start in twenty minutes. Brilliant. A whole ninety minutes of stern remarks about his disappointing piano skills.

With a sigh, he shouldered his backpack and followed James.

In an effort to lighten Sirius’s mood James started doing silly impressions of Mr Miller on the way to their houses—much to Remus’s dismay, as he actually liked the old maths teacher. Peter joined in with a comical impression of Ms Pince.

"My dearest Mr Miller, you have no idea how much I adore you!" Peter squeaked in a high-pitched voice, clutching his heart dramatically.

"Oh, oh my most precious of precious!" James responded theatrically, also altering his voice. He did an impressive impression of an old man with barely any teeth. "Yer wouldn’t be giving me your heart just for my good looks and fabulous smile, would yer?"

"My darling, you’ve captured my heart by storm! How can I resist admiring you with such a charming smile?" Peter fluttered his lashes at James, who was still bent over like an old man.

"Ms Pince, yer too good to me! Gimme a kiss!" In one swift motion, James grabbed Peter’s face and planted a kiss on his cheek. Peter burst into laughter, wriggling free from James’s grip and darting a few steps ahead.

"I’ve changed my mind!" he yodelled with a squeal. "Leave me alone!"

James chased after him, calling, "Ms Pince! How can yer do this to me? Yer’re the love of my life! The centre of all my desires!"

The girls were in fits of laughter at Peter’s sugary girly voice and doubled over with laughter as the two idiots ran ahead. Even Lily, who usually didn’t find impersonations funny, struggled to suppress a grin. It was James’s performance as Mr Miller that eventually broke her. When James pretended Sirius had stolen his dentures, she laughed the loudest.

It felt good to laugh, but their playful banter didn’t last long. The walk from the bus stop to Peter’s house was the shortest, and soon the Potter cottage came into view. Effie was standing by the front garden fence, waving cheerfully at them,

"Hello, loves, did you have a good day?"

"Oh, it was absolute class, Effie," Mary called back with a smile. "I got my maths grade back, and it’s much better than I expected!"

Effie beamed. "Wonderful! See, all that hard work pays off, just like I said."

"Well, thanks for believing in me."

"Always, my dear."

When James came through the garden gate, Effie gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Your dad is already waiting for you in the car, so you’d better go straight to him. Oh, and Sirius, do you have a moment?"

Sirius felt Regulus trying to silently signal him that they needed to head to Grimmauld Place. Sirius hesitated. He hadn’t spoken to Effie since his little outing. Would she confront him now? But no, that wasn’t her style.

"Sure," he replied stiffly. They stepped into a secluded nook away from the others behind the garden fence.

Her smile was warm and sunny as always, and Sirius was suddenly reminded of an embrace—firm and comforting, like a cocoon that shielded him from harm.

"I haven’t seen you in ages," she began, looking genuinely upset about it. "I’m beginning to think you’re avoiding me on purpose."

"I’ve been on house arrest," Sirius admitted, feeling guilty.

Effie’s mouth twisted into a grimace. "Poor thing. How are you?"

Sirius played it cool, as if the punishments didn’t bother him.

"Aw, you know," he shrugged nonchalantly, "it’s bearable. Actually quite relaxing, knowing my little brother is constantly around, practically breathing down my neck."

Effie looked at him as if she didn’t believe him at all.

"Was it that bad, huh?"

"It was—" The words caught in his throat. Desperately, Sirius searched for an excuse, but only disconnected fragments came out. "It was… not…" He looked in her dark, compassionate eyes and felt a sudden surge of overwhelming sadness he had tried so hard to keep beneath the surface. But now it washed over him like a massive wave, breaking down the barriers that had kept him from drowning.

I have no mother. This is my mother. Why do I have a mother who doesn’t love me?

She realised it within half a second. She smiled sadly and touched his cheek gently.

"I’m so sorry, Sirius."

And that was it. There was nothing else he could have done. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he accepted the embrace as if it were a lifeline pulling him from the stormy waters.

“Chin up, love,” she said gently, stroking his back in soothing motions. “You’re tougher than anyone I know. Don’t let it get you down.”

Sirius said nothing, instead allowing the maternal care - still so unfamiliar to him - to wash over him and closed his eyes to forget the world for a moment.

“You’re getting thinner. Are they not feeding you at all?” Effie tutted, pulling away from him. “You just wait here; I’ll get you a piece of fruitcake.”

Sirius sniffled and managed a shaky smile. Effie went inside the house. He wiped the tears from his eyes with his sleeve. He could feel Regulus standing behind him, waiting, but it didn’t bother him. Perhaps Regulus would notice what real parental love was supposed to look like.

Effie handed him a napkin with the fruitcake and suggested he hide it in his bag.

“As a little treat in these dark times,” she winked. “We’ll see each other soon, alright? And remember to hold on; it’ll all be worth it in the end.”

“Thank you.” He meant it with all his heart.

On the way home, Effie’s expression lingered in his mind. The image burned into his head, and he felt like a terrible person who had made a massive mistake out of selfish reasons. She cared for Sirius, and it seemed to him that he wasn’t meant to be cared for – it was unfamiliar to him, and he couldn’t accept this care without doubts creeping up inside him.

He needed to get better at this. He vowed to do everything he could to become a better person – and to show others that he was accepting their care.

The piano lesson with Mr Martin took place in the music room on the first floor. The adjoining balcony had offered Sirius an escape route on several occasions when the teacher became unbearable. In summer, the balcony door was usually left wide open to ban the hot air, allowing Sirius to run out and climb the near tree with ease. After managing this escape once again last summer, Walburga had flipped out and had a lock fitted that could only be opened with a key, which she kept on her all day. A shame, really…

Sirius eyes drifted longingly out of the window. The sky was grey and dreary, just like he felt. He thought about Effie’s embrace, James’s invitation, and how unbelievably unfair his life was.

“Concentrate!” Mr Martin ordered, tapping his thin stick on Sirius’s fingers, which had messed for the third time in a row.

“Can I play Beethoven instead?” That was so much easier than Chopin…

“Not a chance,” Mr Martin said, gesturing for him to play the passage again.

Sirius bit back a nasty comment. He would have loved to stand up to the screwy piano teacher. Instead, he pressed his lips together and hammered on the keys so loudly that his fingers became sore.

With a miserable feeling in his stomach, he went to his room after the gruelling hour and started on his homework, but he couldn’t concentrate. He would have much preferred to be on his way to London with James and his dad, where they would surely have an exciting city tour and maybe even visit a pub. Christmas was less than a month away, too. Normally, the anticipation of the festive season was the best part – houses decorated, cookies baked, carols sung, presents bought, and kids eagerly awaiting the first snowfall.

Yet at that moment, even these prospects seemed bleak.

After an hour of doing little more than staring at the wall and eating the fruitcake, there was a knock on the door, and Katy came in with a laundry bag. She asked him to sort the dirty clothes and left again.

Irritated, Sirius got to work. His room was a complete mess, but he saw no reason to tidy up. He stuffed Jeans, T-shirts, and underwear into the bag at random. As he was about to head into the hallway, his gaze fell on the jacket he had worn the night of his “escape.”

He picked it up and routinely checked the pockets for cash. And indeed, his fingers brushed against a piece of paper, but it wasn’t a banknote; it was a crumpled note.

He unfolded it and read:

Sirius,

Unlike Mum, I don’t think you owe anyone an apology. You haven’t harmed anyone in any way. Don’t let it trouble you.

-R

Sirius swallowed. For a while, he stared at the words, his mind trying to process them. Deep inside, he felt a tight knot begin to shift, perhaps even start to loosen, so that for the first time in a while, breathing became a little easier.

He couldn’t help but think about the moment of Lyall’s outburst, Hope’s trembling silhouette, and Remus’s palpable anger. They hadn’t talked about what had happened since, but the thought of that moment wouldn’t leave Sirius alone.

Remus’s words had struck home but Sirius tried to push the other boy out of his mind. He didn’t want to be reminded of that night. So far, he’d managed to keep those unfamiliar feelings locked away, and he was determined to keep it that way. He thought that if he remained ignorant, it would resolve itself. A foolproof plan.

He carefully folded the note and tucked it under his pillow. Then he took the bag and headed to the laundry room.

***

Just as Sirius had predicted, the current situation consisted of dull days and endless hours in which he felt like a circus animal in a cage, waiting for instructions from its trainer. Every day, he went to school and back to Grimmauld Place, where he had to fulfil his duties. He spent his time inattentively and forgot by the evening what he had done all day.

He behaved in front of his parents; he didn’t play up, didn’t provoke them, or seek out arguments as he might have done other times.

And the longing for home was stronger than ever during these hours. He desperately yearned for a home. At night, he lay in bed staring into the eternal darkness. His lips were chapped from all the words he’d held back during the day. His throat was sore from all the accumulated anger. Whispering with little hope, he repeated the words “Take me home” over and over again, like a mantra or a prayer. What he knew, but still refused to accept, was the fact that he was already home.

Chapter Text

4th December 1990

This year, the first snow was taking its sweet time to arrive.

Sledges were gathering dust in the attics, and hats and scarves had been temporarily left at home as temperatures had unexpectedly soared since the beginning of the week. Sirius's Christmas spirit was blocked by the stormy rainy days, grey clouds, and the general gloomy moods.

James was doing his best to make the days seem as if everything was like the usual. He was constantly saying stuff like, “Well, just because it’s not snowing yet doesn’t mean we won’t have a white Christmas,” or “I dunno about you lot, but the rain doesn’t bother me,” or “You’ve got to stay positive, the first snowball fight will be all the more legendary.”

It wasn’t that Sirius didn’t appreciate his friend’s enthusiasm, but it was hard to maintain positive thoughts when his days were so devoid of leisure.

Dorcas had persuaded him to book a tarot reading with her mother and grandmother, hoping it would bring a bit of certainty into the dreary times. Usually, he enjoyed such sessions, especially when he could mock the bad cards drawn for his friends. But this time, apathy overshadowed his life like a heavy cloud, and he sat alone in the dimly lit, candle-filled reading room with an untouched herbal tea and a bad mood.

Dorcas's mum, Vola, revealed the first card and made a dissatisfied “Hmm, aha.”

Sirius wasn’t too familiar with the various meanings of the cards despite several visits to the fortune-tellers. The card depicted a red heart pierced by three swords, set against a backdrop of rain clouds.

“What is it?” he asked somewhat impatiently.

“This could turn out to be really interesting,” was all Vola replied in her smoky voice.

“In what way interesting? Good or bad interesting?”

Dorcas’s grandmother, who only left her room when there was a customer, sat at the other end of the table, absentmindedly stroking her wrinkled face.

“Patience, Blacky!” she scolded cheerfully, laying out a card from her stack. “Aha!” she exclaimed. “Now, take a look at this…”

Next to the heart card was the King of Wands. Sirius didn’t know the meaning of this card either, but he liked the ones with painted people the most. And a king could only mean good things, right?

“For the last card, I want you to reveal it, Sirius,” Vola said, handing him the deck. At that moment, he was unsure of what to do. Did he need to think of something specific? Should he feel a tiny tingle in his fingertips as they brushed the back of the card? He didn’t know, so he tried not to think of anything and revealed the top card.

And boom—

Sirius groaned.

“Of course it’s a black swords card.” He rolled his eyes. “They never mean anything good, do they?”

The grandmother clicked her tongue and adjusted her enormous glasses. She looked like a slightly deranged witch (which she probably was).

“Young man,” she chided, “no card can be said to bring either luck or misfortune. Those are all just prejudices, and you’d do well to wipe them from your mind quickly; otherwise, this session cannot proceed properly.”

Sirius mumbled a meek apology. He knew the manners during a reading. After all, this wasn’t his first time visiting.

“You see, the cards are your mirror,” Vola explained gently. “Let’s start with the interpretation.”

This was Sirius’s favourite part. He leaned over the table, trying to make out the details of the cards better in the dim light.

Vola revealed the first card with the red heart. Before she could even open her mouth to speak, Sirius hurriedly said, “I’m not in love or something!”

The grandmother let out a delighted giggle. Vola eyes sparkled. “Good to know, but this card doesn’t represent love. Or at least not in the way you think.”

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. It would have been a disaster if it turned out he secretly had a crush on someone. These ladies would never let him hear the end of it.

“First of all, swords don’t primarily mean something bad.” (Swords! Sirius had completely forgotten them!) “They represent an interface between the conscious and the unconscious, between the heart and the mind, between intellect and feeling.”

“What did you see first?” asked the grandmother. “The clouds or the mirror?”

“The clouds, definitely.”

“Then you’re currently experiencing something in your life that has a significant impact on you.”

Vola frowned. Apparently, her opinion did not align with her mother’s.

“Are you sure about that?”

The grandmother nodded twice. “Quite sure.”

Again, Vola hummed thoughtfully. “If you saw the rain first, I assume this event is not a positive one?”

This question was directed at Sirius, who didn’t quite understand at first, as Vola stared into the distance with a veiled expression.

“Y-yes… I mean, surely you’ve heard about it?”

At the same moment the grandmother curiously asked, “No, what happened?” Vola shook her head as if to bring herself back to the present world. “Of course I have,” she said, handing Sirius a biscuit from a ceramic bowl - perhaps her way of showing sympathy.

“The feelings you experience when you think about the event are a wild confusion, is that correct?” Vola pressed on.

Sirius thought about the first week when he felt hardly any rage, only pure resignation. It was only with the increase of endured helplessness and humiliation that he had suddenly experienced an internal upheaval and could once again feel something like anger. Jesus, on some days he even caught a fleeting glimpse of the desire for retribution.

He thought that anger and rage were lighter emotions, although many might disagree. But what use was hopelessness and a constant state of depression? That was just thick white air in his head, nothing more. When he was angry, he felt more like himself because he knew he was still flesh and blood. Feeling anger was human.

Therefore, his will to live through it all had grown stronger as he regained the ability to feel.

And yet, and yet…

There was more in his heart than pure rage. There was despair and fear. What would happen if…? He had locked himself in his room for hours, letting his worries drive him mad. And when he lay there in the bed he had also slept in as a child, he wondered when these worries had worsened so much. He still wanted to be a little boy, frightened and bitter, but not so much that the way out seemed impossible.

The shrill whistle of the kettle in the adjacent kitchen abruptly brought him back to the present.

Vola stood up smoothly from her chair with an apology, saying she would be right back.

“I’ll tell you, kid, you don’t need to be afraid of the swords,” the grandmother whispered. Sirius looked into her wise eyes. “Or of your heart. The only thing you need to fear is your mind stopping your heart from having free rein.”

“Honestly, I don’t think that’s ever been my problem.”

“To feel?”

Sirius nodded. “I feel everything very strongly, I think.”

“You don’t think it, you know it,” she stated firmly. “Yes, I noticed that early on with you. You and the charming Golden-Boy.”

“James?” Under other circumstances, Sirius might have laughed.

“Yes, exactly him. I was mistaken about your group. It’s not you or Golden-Boy that hold back their feelings by doing everything to suppress them with their minds. What’s the name of that shaggy-haired fellow with joints as long as the Great Wall of China?”

“Remus?”

“Exactly!”

Sirius couldn’t laugh at the comment about Remus’s height. Rather, he was preoccupied with the thought that the grandmother might be using vague descriptions of his friends to find out if he already knew what she suspected about their traits. As if she wanted to test him if he truly knew his friends.

“You think he puts his mind above his feelings?”

“Absolutely!”, she nodded. “Don’t you?”

Sirius imagined his friend—slim and tall, with his straight nose and fine jawline. Perhaps Sirius was recalling a memory, or maybe it was a dreamy apparition; either way, the furrowed brow that was so typical of his friend appeared.

“Why does he do that?”

“Perhaps to protect himself?”

“Protect himself from what?”

At that moment, Vola entered the room with the teapot.

“Sometimes it’s easier to hide feelings than to feel them,” she explained casually as she poured fresh tea for herself and her mother.

Sirius tried to make sense of this but ended up in a dead end.

“How can that possibly be easier? When you feel, everything is so much… more intense in life.”

“Oh Sirius, in that aspect, you are very wise,” said Vola. “To know that all emotions are important, both positive and negative, is very insightful.”

He felt a slight sense of pride. It was rare for an adult to compliment him.

The two women drank from their cups. Sirius fiddled with a loose fringe on the cushion.

“So what should I do about this card?” he asked.

“It’s important that you examine your emotions with a critical mind and loving understanding. Never let your mind have sole control but use it wisely to manage your feelings. Do you know the saying ‘One sees clearly only with the heart’?”

“Oh, that’s a good one!” the grandmother added enthusiastically.

“Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten who said it…”

“I think it’s from a Romantic-era philosopher…” the grandmother pondered.

“No, I think it’s… Oh, never mind. What I can advise you is this: If you bring your confusion of feelings into order, your heart will regain its true function. Besides pure feeling, it also has the task of understanding. You need to understand the people around you; you never know what’s going on in their hearts. And you need to understand yourself so you can fully comprehend yourself.”

“Ah,” said Sirius. He needed to digest that first. “Any tips?”

“Young man, we ain’t your psychologists!” the grandmother appealed, though her sternness was not malevolent but sincere.

“Let’s move on to the next card,” Vola stated, pointing to the King of Wands.

“I like this one.”

“We’ll see about that,” murmured the grandmother mysteriously at the same time Vola asked why he liked it.

Sirius stammered an answer, saying he wasn’t quite sure himself.

“You like it because it’s a king, right?”

He shrugged. “Probably rules a powerful kingdom.”

“And do you think he’s a good king, or a bad one?”

Sirius found it impossible to determine from this little image alone. Nonetheless, he let his imagination run wild, picturing the king on his throne, firmly gripping a sceptre. But no, his hand wasn’t tightly clutching the sceptre. It was trembling and nervously sliding up and down. Was the king afraid? Was he angry? Was he excited?

Hard to say. Sirius wished he could project his vision onto a large screen and hear the opinions of the two women.

“I think he’s a bit of both,” he finally said.

“Can one be both good and evil at the same time?” the grandmother asked suspiciously.

Sirius shrugged. “I only know that I’m not always as good as I’d like to be, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.”

“Who, in your opinion, is a bad person?”

“Severus Snape,”

Vola suppressed a laugh.

“Oh, that was my mistake, I should’ve phrased that differently,” the grandmother chuckled. “What, in your opinion, constitutes a bad person?”

Again, Sirius shrugged. He was beginning to feel hungry, and the stuffy air in the dim room clouded his clear thinking.

“Someone who kills people, someone who steals, someone who lies, someone who exploits others… that sort of thing.”

“Are we in church?” the grandmother asked incredulously. Sirius burst out laughing. The town priest would have been proud of that answer.

“I don’t know any better!” he defended himself, still grinning. “Is there a standard for defining this?”

“I think we’re drifting too much into the philosophical…” Vola remarked.

“The Little Prince!” the grandmother suddenly exclaimed.

“What?!”

“That saying from earlier, about the heart? It’s from The Little Prince!”

“Oh, that might be the case; I can’t remember.”

“You used to read it to our Dorcas so often when she was a little girl,” her mother reminded her.

“Speaking of Dorcas—where is she, anyway?” Sirius asked, having last seen her at the bus stop that afternoon. She had run ahead to quickly arrange an appointment for him, which he had been very reluctant to agree to at the time.

“She’s with Marlene,” Vola sighed. “Whenever you wonder where she is, she’s most likely with Marlene. I think they’re working on a project or something…”

“Hm,” Sirius responded, sipping his now-cold herbal tea.

The grandmother also sighed a long sigh. “Let’s move on,” she said.

At the end of the session, Sirius bid farewell to the two women with a throbbing head and a looming headache. The advice he had received had been somewhat helpful, but the matter of feelings, the heart, and the mind had stuck with him.

As he snuggled up in his blanket that evening, with the cool silence outside and the quiet footsteps of his parents inside, he thought about the conversation for a long time.

He never knew how much to believe in tarot and divination or how much truth lay behind what was said. But one thing he couldn’t deny: the conversation always provided food for thought.

***

19th December 1990

That morning, Sirius woke up with a sore throat and a fever. He had barely slept through the night, his body temperature fluctuating wildly from Sahara to North Pole within seconds, and swallowing was an act of sheer bravery due to the pain.

With shaky joints, he shuffled into the kitchen in his pyjamas to make himself a cup of tea. His father sat at the table in a fine suit, reading the daily newspaper, his mother seemed to be engaged in an important phone conversation, while Regulus silently ate his toast.

As Sirius entered, Walburga's expression twisted into a dangerous thorn bush.

"Who do you think you are, wandering around in your sleepwear?! Go upstairs and put on something decent!"

Apparently, the phone conversation wasn’t that important after all. She immediately hung up.

"I'm not feeling well this morning," Sirius explained. "I think I've caught a cold or something."

Orion snorted dismissively. "A little cold is no reason to let yourself go, son."

"I might have a fever."

"Oh, don't make such a fuss," his mother said. "Come here."

Everything in Sirius resisted approaching her, but if he wanted to prove he was ill, Walburga had to confirm it herself. She placed her ice-cold fingers on his forehead and immediately grimaced.

"You might have a slightly elevated temperature, that’s it."

"Swallowing hurts too."

"Come on, Sirius, have you become a weakling who can't even handle a little cold?" Orion asked, frowning.

"When someone is sick," Regulus began quietly, "they're not supposed to go to school. It's in the school regulations."

"Absolute nonsense," Walburga declared. "What're we supposed to do with the boy now? Leaving him alone is out of the question."

Orion set aside the newspaper and took a sip from his coffee cup.

"I could take him to work," he suggested. Sirius thought he had misheard.

"Really?" he asked uncertainly, at the same moment Walburga exclaimed, "Absolutely not! Have you forgotten what happened the last time you took him?"

She was referring to an incident two years in the past. Orion had taken Sirius to work to introduce him to his employees. Proudly, he had spoken of his son's good grades, which were at most satisfactory, but Orion beamed so arrogantly that Sirius hadn't dared to correct him. His father had never before spoken positively about his academic performance. He had always made it clear how much more effort his son needed to become a successful businessman like himself.

In front of his colleagues, however, Sirius was suddenly a promising young man with good prospects and the perfect son. The employees seemed impressed, and Sirius basked in their admiration because isn't that what all people secretly strive for? A bit of appreciation, a little validation, to make one feel good?

But this feeling of elation didn’t last long. As soon as they were in Orion's office, his father had turned to his son, and any trace of pride in his eyes had vanished.

“Did you see the fat man with the oversized glasses?” Orion didn’t wait for Sirius to respond. “His son is only eleven and has already skipped two grades. His teachers say he might be a genius. Ernie’s son is head boy and has a great chance of getting a scholarship to study at Oxford. The sons of the board members are in the process of setting up their own law firm, just two years after graduating!”

He kept talking, getting louder and spitting as he spoke. Sirius had just turned thirteen and already felt like the biggest failure. He was angry with himself for briefly believing that his father might actually be proud of him.

They had argued. Of course they had. Sirius was never one to take accusations lying down. He had insulted, accused, shouted. But always with only a fraction of the intensity that his father had insulted, accused, and shouted back. No matter how hard Sirius tried, he never felt he could match his father's level of hatred.

The employees had overheard the raging voices in the boss's office. After a while, the secretary had knocked to ask if everything was fine. His father had nearly thrown a picture frame at her.

It had been very bad.

And since then, Sirius had been forbidden to set foot in the power plant until he turned into a proper son that was worth showing off.

Back in the kitchen, Orion sipped his coffee, unperturbed. If you didn’t know him as well as Sirius did, you’d think he was a benevolent, decent man.

“What else do you want to do, Walburga? Leaving him alone here isn’t an option either.”

“I can stay,” Regulus said, avoiding everyone’s eyes. He shrugged almost imperceptibly and explained, “I’ve the last two periods off anyway. And I can do my remaining schoolwork here.”

Walburga and Orion exchanged an uncertain look.

“Of course, I’ll keep an eye on Sirius.”

This seemed to be the moment to reveal whether the parents trusted the younger brother with enough responsibility.

Of course, they did.

“Alright,” Walburga began, picking up the phone. “I’ll call the school office and say you’re both in bed with a virus. No funny business. You’ll do your schoolwork and nothing else. Understood?”

Sirius and Regulus nodded. Sirius didn’t have the strength to argue.

Their mother dialled the school’s number and reported her sons as absent. Their father scolded them for another five minutes, laying down rules in his most authoritative voice.

As Walburga and Orion stood at the front door, ready to leave, Walburga said curtly to Sirius, “Put on some proper clothes. We are decent people.”

And then they were gone.

A brief moment of silence, then –

“You really sick?”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“You think I’d want to skip school when it’s the only place I get to see my friends?”

Regulus didn’t have a response to that.

Sirius sniffed. He wondered how long it had been since the Black brothers had spent an entire day alone in the Black household.

“Want me to put the kettle on for you?”

“Are you my servant or what?”

“I was just trying to be nice,” Regulus grumbled, turning away. “Forget it.”

Sirius immediately felt guilty. Besides, he would love some tea. Damn.

“What’re doing now?”

Regulus started up the stairs. “Going to my room.”

“And then?”

“For goodness' sake, since when do you care about what I do all day?”

“I don’t,” Sirius retorted. “I know you’re up there pursuing your dirty little hobbies.” Seeing Regulus blush with embarrassment, Sirius felt a sense of satisfaction.

“Just be glad I saved you from Plan A,” Regulus shot back before disappearing around the corner.

Sirius returned to the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea. He was very hungry but only found unappealing stuff in the fridge. He spent some time at the table, processing the fact that his parents had actually agreed to let him stay home. The day would feel like a holiday.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Katy wouldn’t start working until noon today, so Sirius hurried to answer the door.

It was James who stood on the porch, breathing heavily and clearly in a hurry. Of all the people who could have rung the bell – the postman, lawyers, company advisors – Sirius had least expected him.

"Oh thank goodness it’s you answering the door!” James exclaimed, visibly relieved, leaning on his knees.

“Shouldn’t you be on the bus by now?”

“Bloody hell, what are you brewing? You sound like my great aunt Urna, you know. The one who had that cold twenty-four seven?”

Sirius looked at James blankly. “Why’re you here?”

“I missed the bus,” James explained quickly. “At least, I think I did. But no problem, Mum’s going to drive me.”

“You think you missed the bus?” Sirius asked, confused.

“When I ran to get here, Gerald hasn’t been there. But by now, he’s probably long gone...” James scratched his chin.

“So, why’re you here?”

“Checking up on you, of course!”

“Oh. I’m sick,” Sirius explained. James gave him a scrutinising look.

“I can see that.”

“Thanks.”

“You look awful.”

“That’s impossible”

“Did you sleep at all?”

Sirius sighed impatiently. “No, not really, Prongs. Sorry I forgot to call and let you know. I didn’t realise you were my babysitter.”

James tilted his head sternly. “Oh come on, don’t be like that. Regulus wasn’t at the bus stop either.”

Sirius nodded. And sniffled. And then he had to sneeze.

James handed him a tissue.

“Thanks.” Sirius took it and wiped his swollen nose. “Reggie’s staying home today too.”

James pursed his lips sympathetically. “Caught a cold aswell?”

“No, I think he just wanted to skip school.”

Sirius immediately saw that his friend didn’t believe the lie. Thankfully, James didn’t press the matter. Maybe he realised Sirius wasn’t in the mood for a chat.

“Alright, good to now,” James said, thumbs tucked into his jean’s pockets. “Today’s going to be so boring...”

“I’m flattered,” Sirius smiled. “But you’ve still got Remus and Peter and the girls keeping you company.”

“Oh, you didn’t hear?”

Sirius hated it when James said “you didn’t hear?” in that incredulous tone, as if it was unthinkable not to know something in their small town within seconds of it happening.

“What?”

James ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. A sign that he was nervous. Or uncertain.

“Remus. He had another migraine—”

“Again?!”

James nodded slightly. Sirius felt inexplicably angry.

“That’s his second one in two months!”

“Actually the third, if you count the one at school. Remus insists it was just a headache. Ha, as if.” James shook his head sadly. “I saw him throw up on the grass as soon as we got off the bus.”

“What?” Sirius perked up. “I didn’t notice!”

“You were up front talking to Mary. But don’t blame yourself, I only saw it at the last moment too,” James added quickly when he saw Sirius’s dejected face. “Remus didn’t want any help, the stubborn git.”

“And what now? Does he have to go to the hospital again?”

“No idea, mate. I don’t know much more than you do. All I know is that Hope asked my Mum early this morning about some medication that’s supposed to help.”

“And?”

“She was going to check at the pharmacy today.”

Sirius fidgeted with his fingers.

“So he’s still at home?” It was less a question and more the first step of a plan forming in his mind.

James nodded. “As far as I know. Don’t worry. Remus has strong nerves. And as the doctor explained to us back then, there’s not much we can do for him.”

Sirius didn’t reply. James sighed deeply. “Alright. I have to go or Mum will lose it. And old McGonagall too, you know how she is.”

Sirius forced a smile. “Have fun at school. Tell Minnie I miss her already.”

“Thanks, I will. Get well soon!”

Sirius gave a small wave as James jogged back down the long driveway to his house. The idiot had actually taken the detour just to check on him. It was touching, and Sirius appreciated the gesture, despite his earlier grumpiness. It was nice to know he had a friend who cared.

Upstairs, he knocked on Regulus’s door and entered without waiting.

Regulus was sitting at his desk, writing in a book. He jumped,

“For heaven’s sake, can’t you ask before coming in?!”

“Already done with your homework?” Sirius teased, nodding towards the book. Regulus quickly shut it.

“Aren’t you supposed to be sick in bed?” he huffed.

"Probably should," Sirius admitted, stifling a yawn. He'd slept terribly, and swallowing was still painful. "I just wanted to tell you I'm heading out."

Regulus spun around abruptly; confusion written all over his face. "What are you up to?"

"Need to drop off Remus's homework," Sirius lied.

"Homework?"

"Homework."

"But he’s at school."

Sirius shook his head. "He stayed home, had to be picked up yesterday. He's ill, like me. Probably something similar. That’s why it's not a big deal if I bring him his stuff. You know, considering the contagion and all."

"But wasn't he on the school bus back home yesterday?" Regulus asked, confused, as he tried to recall the previous day's ride.

"That was probably someone else."

Regulus gave him a deadpan look. "Are you joking?"

"I'm always honest, you know that," Sirius said, though it was a blatant lie. "Well, whatever. Just so you know where I am in case you come looking for me."

"I don't care where you are," his brother muttered, turning away from him again.

"Really? Since when?"

"Always."

"If you say so."

He was about to leave the room and close the door behind him when Regulus mumbled, "Just make sure you're back before Mum and Dad get home. I'm definitely not lying for you anymore."

Sirius suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.

Before heading off to the Lupins, he stopped by his room and put on some fresh, comfortable clothes, quickly combed his hair, and stuffed two painkillers he found in his parents' bathroom cabinet into his pocket.

In the kitchen, he finished the last of his tea (swallowing still hurt like hell, and he wondered why on earth he'd talked so much that morning). Then he bundled up in thick jackets and scarves, a decision he immediately regretted as he left the long driveway and began to sweat.

Either his fever was making him feel hot, or the temperatures outside were actually that warm. Maybe it was a combination of both.

After about ten minutes, he reached the bumpy road, more like a dirt path than a proper road, and turned into the Lupins' yard. When he rang the bell, Hope answered the door. Thin and exhausted, she looked at him with wide eyes.

"Sirius, lovely to see you again. Feels like ages!" Sirius flinched. He knew exactly what had happened during their last encounter. "I'm afraid visiting Remus might not be the best idea, though."

"Is he that bad?"

"Well, at least he's not throwing up anymore."

Sirius grimaced.

"Exactly." Hope tilted her head. "Hang on. Shouldn't you be at school?"

What a déjà vu...

"I'm down with a cold," Sirius explained, for what felt like the hundredth time that morning. "I stayed at home."

"Poor thing, you'd better get out of the cold then." Hope pulled him by the shoulder into the hallway and closed the door. "Would you like some hot chocolate? Or maybe chamomile tea?"

Sirius needed something cold more than anything else; otherwise, he was going to melt any second.

"A glass of water, maybe?"

"Of course."

Hope hurried into the kitchen, and Sirius followed, unsure of himself. He hadn't expected Hope to be there. Not that he didn't like her, but things were still a bit... awkward. At least he no longer felt the need to constantly apologise. Remus' note had probably taken care of that.

Hope handed him a full glass of water. "You wanna go upstairs and check on Remus, then? He could use a fresh cloth."

She grabbed a washcloth and held it under the tap. "He's probably still sleeping. When I checked on him earlier, he was fast asleep."

Sirius nodded and took the wet washcloth. "Alright. I'll check on him."

Hope nodded gratefully. "I have to drive Lyall into town for a job interview. With you here, I can at least run some errands afterward in peace."

She grabbed her keys and waved goodbye. Sirius assumed that Lyall was already waiting in the yard. He was glad he didn't have to run into Remus's father. He'd have loved to hurl some choice words at him, but he knew Remus would never forgive him for that.

Quietly, very quietly, Sirius knocked on Remus's door. When there was no response, he slipped inside. The room was completely dark, with just enough light from the hallway for Sirius to spot the shape on the bed.

Remus groaned and pulled the blanket over his head. "Muuuuum, shut the door!"

Feeling guilty, Sirius closed the door again. He'd forgotten that light was like kryptonite to people with migraines.

"Sorry," Sirius whispered into the darkness. "I'm not your mum, though."

A second passed, then—

"Sirius?"

"Correct."

The blanket rustled, and although Sirius couldn't see it, he knew Remus was staring at him.

"What the hell are you doing here?!"

"I brought you a fresh wet cloth." He held the thing awkwardly in the air. Then he carefully made his way to Remus's bed until he banged his shin against the bedpost. "Ouch, damn it!"

"I'm a bit further up," Remus murmured.

"Wait, I can't see you. Where are you—ah, wait, I think this is your face."

"Ouch, careful Sirius..."

"Sorry... Here." He handed him the cloth.

"What time is it?" Remus asked. "Is school already over?"

"Nah, it's not even nine yet."

"Oh, good. I was worried I'd slept through half the day."

"Did I wake you?"

Remus sighed. "No. I couldn't sleep. I just needed quiet, so I pretended to be asleep when Mum checked on me."

"Clever boy. Anything I can do for you?"

They still couldn't really see each other. When they were silent, the room was filled with a heavy stillness, and it wasn't uncomfortable, but different. Sirius was all too aware of what had happened the last time he'd been in this room and tried not to think about it. Since that night, he'd tried to talk to Remus normally, go to school with him normally, spend breaks with him normally, but every moment with him had a sort of abnormality about it. The worst part was knowing that Sirius was the one who was disturbing the normality between them.

Finally, Remus sighed.

"Padfoot, why’re you here?"

Sirius explained why he wasn't at school.

"So you're sick?" Remus asked.

Sirius nodded, then realised the other boy probably couldn't see him.

"I have a fever."

"You have a fever and still went out in the cold?"

"It's not that cold."

"Are you crazy?"

"Just a little."

Remus was obviously not thrilled with his presence but too tired to give him a hard time.

"Do you need anything?" Remus asked after a moment. "I mean, do you want to rest or eat or something?"

At the mention of food, Sirius's stomach growled. "I haven't eaten yet. I go grab us something."

Remus was silent again. "Are you really here, or am I hallucinating? Because I’ve done that before, and it wasn't exactly fun."

Sirius stifled a grin. "Why did the scarecrow win an award?"

"Here we go…"

"Because he was outstanding in his field!"

Silence.

"You're ridiculously proud of that joke, aren't you?" Remus murmured.

"I got it from Peter."

"Who else? Well, at least now I know you're real."

"I'll see what's in the fridge," Sirius suggested, hurrying out of the room so Remus wouldn't be disturbed by the light again.

In the kitchen, he found bread and cheese. He chopped up a tomato and some pepper and put them on the sandwiches. He remembered that Remus liked ginger tea for nausea and got to work on that.

Outside the door, Sirius called, "Cover your head with the blanket, I'm coming in now to put the tray down!"

He waited a second, then opened the door and looked for a place to set the tray down. Unfortunately, there was no desk or any other free surface in Remus's room. In fact, the room was quite a mess: the bed was piled high with wild blankets and pillows, the bookshelf was overflowing with new books, and the floor was littered with dirty clothes.

Sirius clicked his tongue in exasperation. "I, um... your room's a bit messy."

"I know," came the muffled reply from under the blanket.

"Hold on, I've got an idea," Sirius said, setting the tray down on a free spot on the mattress. "Don't move," he instructed the other boy. Then he placed one foot near the bed and stretched out his other leg, managing to somewhat stable himself while reaching to close the door.

It was pitch dark again.

In one swift motion, he sat down on the mattress without needing to see.

"Do you want pepper or tomato?"

"Pepper."

Sirius handed him the sandwich with pepper.

Silently, they ate their sandwiches. After a while, he remembered the tea and handed it to Remus. 

“You’ve made ginger tea?” 

“Can you smell it?” 

“And taste it.” 

“Right.” Sirius scratched the back of his head. By now, Remus had leaned back against the headboard, giving Sirius more space to sit, but he still didn’t dare move. “There was some ginger root left; I hope that’s alright.” 

“Ginger tea always works best when I get nauseous from the migraines. I never have an appetite, so it’s a miracle I even ate the sandwich.” 

“I know,” Sirius said, his nose running again. Damn it, he’d forgotten tissues. 

Remus looked surprised. 

“How do you know?” 

“You mentioned it once,” Sirius replied evasively and finally leaned back against the wall. Now they sat just like they had that night when Sirius had run away. 

They talked for a while longer about the classes they were supposed to be in at that moment, imagining their friends sitting bored in Mrs McGonagall’s lesson. Eventually, Remus became more taciturn and then said nothing at all. Sirius’ eyes kept drifting shut—not because he was particularly tired but because it was simply more comfortable to keep them closed. 

“Moony?” he whispered into the silence, but the other boy was already asleep. 

Sighing, he carefully placed the tray on the floor. He hesitated, then awkwardly stretched out at the foot of the bed like a cat, making sure to keep as much distance from Remus as possible. 

At first, he hardly dared to move, breathe, or blink. But before he knew it, he started to relax, his worries smoothing out, his tension fading. What could possibly happen to him in this bed? Was it really such a crime to sleep if one wanted to sleep? 

Was it not allowed to let his thoughts drift into a clouded dream where the humming air buzzed around him and warm skin brushed his, while delicate fingers stroked his ears... 

What if he stayed lying here a little longer, letting everything around him slip away into oblivion? After all, he was just a sick boy lying next to another sick boy, wanting to take a nap from sheer exhaustion. Surely there couldn’t be any punishment for such innocent behaviour. 

His nightmare, unfortunately, proved him wrong. 

He found himself in an endless space, without exit, without escape. He wandered aimlessly, shaping his mouth to speak, even though he had long since forgotten how. Suddenly, a wind picked up—icy cold and merciless. Ugly, dark faces with cackling grins appeared out of the mist, mocking him. Him—the foolish sick boy, the naive boy, the wrong boy. 

The way he dared to hope to love wasn’t something the hideous faces had foreseen. 

They didn't care that a boy wanted to be wanted more than anything else in life. They didn’t care that the boy felt lonely and abandoned. They didn’t care that the boy was ashamed to his very core. “Good, you’re realising on your own how wrong all of this is,” they whispered into his ear—left and right, above and below. They were everywhere. And suddenly Sirius realised that he knew the faces behind those masks. They were his friends, his dearest friends, and they were all laughing at him. 

Hands grabbed his shoulders and shoved him down, but they weren’t really hands—they were claws with sharp nails that dug into his flesh. Again, they cackled, again they breathed insults. 

Sirius tried to fight back. He kicked and thrashed, but it was no use. The faces—no, his friends—kept pushing him deeper and deeper into the ground, which had now become crashing waves that were, in fact, a gorge hundreds of metres deep. His chest heaved, but no breath would come. He was suffocating! The water whipped him like a lash, and he looked one last time at the distorted faces of his friends before they let him go, and he fell into the gorge with his eyes shut. 

Sirius gasped in horror, his heart racing, sweat pouring down his forehead. He had actually fallen into a gorge with water! His hair stuck to his face, and his T-shirt was soaked through. 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry! Shit, sorry!” someone murmured frantically above him. Sirius couldn’t see anything in the darkness, so he closed his eyes again, only to snap them open again in shock as something cold and mushy was pressed against his forehead. 

He flinched and tried to sit up. 

“You’d better stay lying down,” the voice said again, and Sirius finally recognised Remus’ concerned face as he switched on the bedside lamp. Sirius felt nauseous. He felt like he had cycled the Tour de France through the Sahara in a thick winter coat and then, for some ridiculous reason, decided to go to the sauna. In other words: he was boiling hot. And everything seemed blurry and distorted. 

“What… the hell…” he heard himself weakly mutter. 

“I think you had a fever dream or something,” Remus said, dabbing Sirius’ forehead with that wet, mushy thing. It took Sirius a moment to realise it was the cloth he had gotten from Hope for Remus. Remus must have just soaked it under the tap in the bathroom. 

Sirius couldn’t respond, let alone think. The nightmare had completely thrown him off balance. 

“What time is it?” he asked through gritted teeth. Something hurt in his body, but he couldn’t quite figure out what it was. 

Remus let out a disbelieving laugh. “Seriously, Black? You’re lying here drenched in sweat with a forehead so hot I could fry an egg on it, and you’re asking me what time it is?” 

So many words spilling from Moony’s mouth. Sirius tried again to move his upper body, but Remus gently pushed his shoulders back down. 

“I need to be home before my parents get there,” Sirius murmured by way of explanation. He swallowed and immediately regretted it. 

A shadow passed over Remus’s face. “Why did you even come here in the first place, hmm?” he asked quietly. “You knew it was a risk. And you’re way too ill.” 

“I wanted to see if you’re okay. I know how bad it can get with your headaches.” 

Remus eyes narrowed. Sirius wasn’t sure if he’d said something wrong. Thinking clearly was difficult for him right now anyway. His T-shirt was sticking to his back, and apparently, he’d kicked the duvet off in his sleep. 

“Sirius,” began Remus hesitantly, “I’m alright. You can’t just come over when you’ve got nearly a forty-degree fever.” 

Sirius flinched in shock. “Forty degrees?!” 

“Well, I don’t know exactly, I don’t have a thermometer,” Remus replied, flipping the washcloth to the other side. “But you’re looking really pale. And you kept tossing and turning, never settled down. You woke me up about five minutes ago; I think I was still too dazed from the headache before that.” 

“Has it gotten worse again?” Sirius asked, scanning Remus’s face for signs of pain as if he could easily read it there. 

“Don’t worry, I found the meds you brought with you. Why didn’t you give them to me sooner? Mum doesn’t want me taking too many and won’t buy me new ones.” 

“That’s probably for the best.” Slowly, the thick clouds in Sirius’s mind began to lift, giving him some clarity. Remus was sitting cross-legged next to him. Sirius was sprawled diagonally across half the bed. Embarrassed, he wondered if he might have kicked the other boy in his sleep. Or what else he might have done... 

“Do you happen to have any water?” 

Remus wordlessly handed him his half-empty bottle. Sirius drank it all in one go and immediately felt a bit fresher. 

“Why didn’t you say how bad you were feeling?” 

“What?” 

Remus sighed, clearly displeased. “When you came into my room, I was so out of it that I hardly realised you were ill too, even after you told me. I had no idea how bad it was for you.” 

“I didn’t want to worry you,” Sirius confessed. He felt well enough now to sit up. “I wanted to take care of you first.” 

Remus shook his head, his brow furrowed as if he couldn’t comprehend why anyone would do something like that. 

“We did talk before we fell asleep, didn’t we?” 

Sirius nodded in confirmation. “You were mumbling random things by the end, and then you were completely out.” Honestly, he could barely remember the conversation. It seemed he wasn’t running at full capacity even then. 

Remus sighed again. “Look at this mess. We’re like two ninety-year-old men who need the nap of the century after a short walk.” 

“Except we look rather stupid doing it because we’re so sick we don’t even notice,” 

Sirius attempted a joke, but Remus’s serious eyes didn’t budge an inch. He still held the washcloth against Sirius’s forehead, and Sirius didn’t dare take it from his hand. 

“You still haven’t answered my question. The time?” 

“Oh, right.” Remus stretched over to check the clock. “Schools almost over.” 

“Already?!” Sirius exclaimed, more in disbelief at how long they had slept than fear of being late. 

“There’s no way I’m letting you leave with this fever, though.” 

Sirius chuckled. “You’re starting to sound like James.” 

“I’ve learned a thing or two from him.” 

“Hopefully only the good things,” Sirius joked, thinking at the same second that James didn’t seem to have any bad qualities. 

Remus didn’t respond, and they fell into silence again, during which Sirius finally took the washcloth off his forehead and brushed his damp hair out of his eyes. 

He didn’t even want to think about the nightmare with the masks. He’d never had such a terrible dream before, and he didn’t know what had caused it. Knowing that it had been a fever dream—random and wild—he tried to calm his worries. The dream didn’t mean anything. His friends wouldn’t judge him just because they didn’t like a girl he dated. They wouldn’t push him to a gorge and let go of him at the last second. 

Besides, he wasn’t even sure anymore if those hideous faces really had been his friends. That seemed a bit far-fetched... 

Remus got up from the bed and went into the bathroom to refill the plastic bottle. Meanwhile, Sirius checked his forehead, which no longer felt like it was burning as much as it had a few hours ago. He really should have stayed in bed—and by that, he meant his own bed. As soon as he got his temperature under control, he’d head back to Grimmauld Place and catch up on the homework he’d been putting off. Sighing, he pulled his sweat-soaked T-shirt over his head and rubbed it through his hair. He must have looked a mess. 

When Remus came back, he cracked an amused smile. 

“Don’t laugh!” Sirius scolded him, trying to tame his wild mane. 

“I’m not!” insisted Remus. “But I hadn’t really noticed until now just how long your hair’s gotten.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“What?” 

“That it’s gotten so long.” 

Remus shrugged, his mouth curving downward. “Kind of suits you.” 

“Ah, ‘kind of,’ huh?” 

Remus rolled his eyes and held the bottle up to Sirius’s face. “Why are you even asking if you’re already convinced your new hairstyle’s perfect?” 

Sirius didn’t really know the answer to that. 

Chapter Text

22nd December 1990

On the day before Christmas Eve, the big neighbourhood dinner was to take place, usually held either in the grand hall of the Potters’ house or in the Meadows’ reading room, as both were large enough to accommodate half the village. This year, however, the Pettigrews insisted on hosting the traditional feast at their house, and no one was quite sure how twenty-two people were going to fit into their rather long but exceedingly narrow dining room. Nevertheless, Sirius left the logistics to the parents. He and his friends were far too busy enjoying the first snowfall of December.

Since the start of holidays, they had been waiting like little children for the first snow to fall (and annoyed Remus so much that he had joined the girls to escape them). Then, after what felt like an eternity of waiting, the first flakes finally fell on the evening of 22nd December, marking the long-anticipated start of winter. 

Sirius immediately dashed downstairs to call James, who picked up on the first ring. 

"I've got my hat and scarf on already," James exclaimed excitedly into the phone. "I'm expecting you in ten minutes!" 

Sirius grinned from ear to ear. "I’ll be there in five."

Thankfully, his parents were out at a meeting until late in the evening, so he could leave the house without the fear of being grounded. Regulus merely peeked out of his room as Sirius thundered down the stairs and didn’t pay him much attention. He knew about the Marauders’ tradition and didn’t seem to care that his older brother, whom he was supposed to be keeping an eye on, was running out into the cold. Sirius pulled on his hat and coat, nearly forgetting his left boot in his haste, and stumbled over his own feet as he leapt down the three steps to the driveway in one go. 

The snowflakes were surprisingly thick, and Sirius thought that by the next morning, a thick blanket of snow would cover the landscapes of Godric’s Hollow. Whistling a tune, he cheerfully made his way to the Pettigrews’ house and rang the bell. 

Not a second later, Peter opened the door in his thick coat. 

"There you are. I was starting to wonder what’s taking you so long." 

"What’s that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked, pretending to be offended. "This is a new personal record!" 

"If you say so…" Peter murmured as he put on his gloves. Then he shouted into the house, seemingly to no one in particular, "I’M NOT AROUND FOR TV NIGHT TONIGHT!" 

"IT’S CANCELLED ANYWAY!" came a girl’s voice in response—Peter’s sister. 

"WHY’S THAT?" Peter shouted back, making no effort to go upstairs and speak to her in a more civilised tone. 

"MUM’S TOO BUSY!" came the shrill reply, followed by a more distant voice calling out, "SORRY, SWEETHEART, I’VE GOT SO MUCH TO PREPARE FOR TOMORROW. WE’LL RESCHEDULE AFTER CHRISTMAS!" 

Peter made a face at Sirius and asked awkwardly, "Did I mention I mind TV night being cancelled?" 

Before Sirius could come up with a witty response, a loud crash came from the upper floor. 

"Oh, for heaven’s sake!" Peter’s mum yelled in frustration. "RICHARD! RICHARD, PLEASE COME HELP ME WITH THE CHAIRS!" 

"Oh God," Peter muttered as he quickly shut the door behind him. 

Sirius patted his friend sympathetically on the shoulder. Stressed mums were never a good sign. "She’s losing it, isn’t she?" 

Peter nodded tersely. "She’s been running us ragged all day. Wants us to use Grandma’s 'good tablecloth' instead of the 'filthy rags' we normally use, and she’s been turning the house upside down to find the fancy candles she bought at a flea market a million years ago…" 

"You poor, poor thing," Sirius teased, "Don’t worry, you’ll cope." 

Peter swatted Sirius’s hand away from his shoulder. "Yeah, yeah, keep making fun of me." 

They reached the cosy Potter cottage, half-hidden behind two large fir trees that seemed to wrap the house in a snug cocoon, as if protecting it from the world. Sirius felt a warmth blossom inside him, like a sun or perhaps an entire universe. 

"Reckon Prongs already contacted Moony?" Peter asked, chewing on a candy. 

Sirius knocked on the door, shrugging. "If Moony’s not working, probably." 

Peter’s eyes widened in surprise. "You think Remus has to work over Christmas?!" 

"Technically, it’s not Christmas yet," Sirius reminded him, knocking again. Where was that mop of hair? 

"I know, but still… that seems a bit harsh, doesn’t it?" 

Sirius privately agreed and was about to say so when the door finally swung open, revealing a very cheerful James standing in the doorway. 

"Gentlemen, the moment has arrived," he announced seriously, but with a mischievous gleam in his eyes.

They greeted each other with a well-practised handshake. James led the way at a brisk pace—always the leader—while Sirius and Peter trailed behind for once. 

"What’s in the bag?" Peter asked curiously, hearing the distinct clinking of what sounded like glass bottles. Sirius whistled in appreciation, 

"Respect, Prongs my friend, you’ve actually managed to nip a few treasures from your old man." 

"Well, to be honest…" James turned to face them with a grin. "I told Dad we were having a Marauder’s meet-up, as per tradition. He called me over, all mysterious-like, and handed me a bottle of brandy from his stash. Told me not to tell Mum, of course." 

"And what’s the other bottle I hear? Don’t tell me that’s apple juice." 

James smirked. "You see, I couldn’t have known my esteemed father would offer me booze, so I came prepared." 

"Brilliant!" Peter beamed, though his expression soon faltered. "But we’re not going to drink all of it ourselves, are we?" 

Sirius could see where Peter was going and quickly interjected, "There’s no way we’re inviting the girls to a Marauders meeting, Wormtail. Absolutely no way." He glanced at James, who was conveniently looking off into the distance. Typical—Golden Boy would probably love to have a certain redhead join them. 

Peter still looked unsatisfied, so Sirius added, "Besides, we’ve got Moony with us, and he usually drinks as much as Marlene, Lily, and Dorcas combined." 

After a short trek, they reached the area where the streetlights no longer illuminated the path. Without a word, James switched on a torch to light their way through the muddy ground. 

Sirius watched the white cloud of breath that puffed in front of him every time he exhaled. His thoughts drifted back to ten years ago, when the Marauders were just little boys, eagerly waiting for the first snowfall to initiate one of their most important meetings, where they discussed secret matters and celebrated the start of winter with hot cocoa and warm biscuits. Looking at James’s rucksack, Sirius realised that the days of innocent scheming and revenge plotting were behind them. 

They were probably going to get smashed tonight. 

Unfortunately, instead of Remus, his grumpy father opened the door, a cigar smouldering in his mouth and his hair unwashed. Peter swallowed nervously and edged a few inches behind James. 

"Good evening, Lyall," James greeted, unperturbed. "Is Remus home?" 

"What’re you lot up to?" Lyall demanded, scratching his stubble. 

"Just a little evening stroll, nothing special," James replied innocently. 

"Hmm," Lyall grunted. "I see. You boys want to play at being men and liven up the evening, don’t you?" 

Sirius and James exchanged a look, unsure if Lyall was joking. His usually gruff tone had taken on a hint of indulgence, like he was reminiscing with a mate about the good old days. 

"Erm—" James began. 

"Yeah, yeah, don’t get your knickers in a twist, lads. Let me give you some advice from an old man." Only now did Sirius notice the slight slur in Lyall’s speech. Lyall stifled a belch and thumped his chest with his fist, flashing a wolfish grin—a gesture he seemed to think was apologetic. "Let me tell you this: boys need to be boys. Nothing to be ashamed of, innit?" He chuckled, but James, Peter, and Sirius remained silent. "Yeah, yeah, enjoy your youth while you can, 'cause soon enough, life’ll become a real pain in the arse. You’ll have less fun, and before you know it, you’ll be bogged down with bloody boring responsibilities." 

A few seconds too late, Sirius and James started a hesitant laugh, as though they saw things the same way. James cleared his throat,

"Yeah, well… Is Remus in or not? We want to, how did you put it so nicely? Liven up the evening?”

Lyall nodded as he took a drag from his cigar, slowly exhaling the smoke through his mouth. “Remus, Remus.” He shook his head slightly. “Hmm,” he muttered, leaning one arm casually against the doorframe. “I do hope, James, that a bit of you rubs off on him, so he doesn’t end up a total loser. He’s in the kitchen with his mum, I’ll fetch him.”

Lyall shut the door right in their faces. Peter let out a loud breath.

“Oh my God. I think I forgot how to breathe.”

“Quite the character, eh?” James murmured absentmindedly.

Sirius nodded in agreement, though he wasn’t quite sure what James was referring to.

“Just imagine having him as your dad…” Peter babbled, noticeably shaken. “I don’t think I could handle it, honestly. Do you think he’s ever hugged Remus or anything?”

Sirius’s stomach twisted. The idea of a loving father seemed almost impossible to him. A hazy scribble formed in his mind: one moment a father hugging his son, the next, a father hitting his son. Sooner or later, fatherly love turned into mutual hatred. He and Remus might not have much in common, and when he thought about it, they were fundamentally different. But the absence of a caring father was something they both shared.

James was unusually quiet too, so Peter kept rambling, probably just to fill the peculiar silence between them.

“And I think Lyall’s gotten worse over the past few months, don’t you? I mean, did you see his face? Did you see his eyes?” Peter shuddered. “I really feel sorry for Remus.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Peter!” James suddenly burst out. “That’s enough. Don’t you think you’re poking your nose a bit too deep into matters that aren’t your business?”

Peter went pale. “I was only saying…”

Sirius looked at James, who sniffed and stared down at the ground, looking uncomfortable, almost as if Peter had offended him.

After an awkward moment of silence, the door swung open again, and Remus stepped out onto the porch, wrapped in a thick woolly jumper and knitted gloves.

Grinning, he looked at them. “I was wondering if you lot would show up tonight.”

No one said anything.

What an awkward trio Sirius, James, and Peter must have been. Remus frowned, puzzled. “It’s the first snow, and you’re not even a little excited?”

James visibly forced himself to act normal. “Yeah, um, I hope you’re dressed warmly enough?”

“And if not, don’t worry, the booze will keep you warm,” Sirius added, sounding like a robot that had just learned the “act-normal-so-your-mate-doesn’t-suspect-anything” function.

Remus nodded slowly, clearly trying not to make too much of his friends’ odd behaviour.

“Fancy a candy cane, Moony?” Peter squeaked, offering the sweets to the other boy.

“Uh, sure. Thanks, Wormy. Shall we go, then?”

They headed off towards the old oak tree. No one mentioned Lyall or any other fathers, and since Sirius’s father hadn’t said a single word to him in days except “be quiet,” he was grateful for that.

***

23rd December 1990

"Sirius, dear, do you have the casserole?" Effie shouted from the kitchen.

"Don't worry, Effie, I've got it!" Monty called from another room.

"What about dessert? James? That was your job!"

James rolled his eyes. "Yes, Mum, everything's here!"

Sirius chuckled. "Is it just in your mum’s nature to take charge of a Christmas feast she’s not even hosting?"

James puffed out his cheeks. "Probably. She’s not even Christian."

He set the pudding down on a step, rummaged in his jacket pocket, and eventually pulled out a small, reddish parcel. "Look."

"Thanks, that's too kind, but I thought we agreed not to do presents this year, love?"

"Idiot," James said, shaking his head. "It's not for you. It's for Lily."

"You bought her a gift?" Sirius asked, incredulous.

"I didn't buy it," James explained, his cheeks turning pink. "I… made it."

The last words left his mouth reluctantly, as if he was embarrassed to admit it. Honestly, Sirius thought he’d misheard. He barely managed to keep an amused smirk from breaking out.

"Ahh, well, she’ll be thrilled!" Sirius said encouragingly but then noticed James’s pained expression and added uncertainly, "I think? I mean sure she will. Girls love handmade gifts!"

James stayed silent, staring at the package in his hands.

"Prongs, you still there?"

"Don’t you think it’s a bit over the top?" James blurted out, a hint of panic in his voice.

Sirius waved a dismissive hand. "You’re not asking her to marry you." He laughed. Then, as James continued to be unusually quiet, he added, "You’re not, right Prongs?!"

"No, I’m not asking her to marry me, are you mental?!" James replied, alarmed. "I’m just going to ask if she’ll go out with me."

"You… want to ask her out?" Images of the past few years flashed through Sirius’s mind—James, after countless immature flirting attempts, clumsy compliments about Lily’s red hair, and bold approaches, finally ready to take the next step. Yet each time, he’d pulled back at the last minute.

"It’s completely ridiculous, I know." James said, looking so helpless that Sirius couldn’t help but laugh. James didn’t find it funny at all. "Try to put yourself in my shoes for a second, will you!" he complained, giving Sirius a kick in the shin.

"Put myself in your shoes?"

"Exactly! Can’t you see how much I depend on your opinion? What would you do in my situation? Would you ask the prettiest girl you’ve ever met to go out with you?"

"In this scenario where I’m you, do I still get to keep my incredible charm and good looks?"

James kicked him in the shin again.

"Alright, alright!" Sirius hissed in pain. He thought for a moment, deciding the safest option was to approach it rationally. "The prettiest girl you’ve ever met, you say?" (He found it hilarious how James’s skin tone deepened by a shade.) "Well, I can’t say Evans is unpleasant to look at. So, from an objective point of view, I can see your perspective."

"Get to the point, Black,"

"I’m just trying to help," Sirius replied defensively, pausing to think. "On the other hand, you’ve got the problem that you’ve known each other for so long. And by long, I mean an eternity. And by eternity, I mean you practically knew each other when you were still tiny little nappy-wearers."

"Alright, thanks, Padfoot, I get it," James retorted. "What’s your point?"

Sirius sat down on the step, sighing. James watched his every move, eagle-eyed and expectant.

"My point is," Sirius explained, "you’ve known each other for so ridiculously long that the odds aren’t too bad that she’s already stuck you on the friendship list."

"So what?"

"So what?!" Sirius repeated, shaking his head. "You know I’m no expert in this area, because, as you know, my dazzling good looks can be a bit intimidating for the ladies—"

"More like off-putting,"

"And because of that, they might need a little extra courage to talk to me. Anyway, it could be that our dear Lily has decided to keep things strictly platonic between you two."

James looked crestfallen. He lowered the gift and absentmindedly ran his finger over the wrapping paper.

"You're not exactly good at this," James finally said.

"You want me to lie? It is possible, and if you’re not completely out of your mind you know it, too."

"You think she just wants to be friends with me?"

"No idea, mate. I don’t know her as well as the girls do, so you’re better off asking one of them."

"Maybe,"

"What did you make for her, then?" Sirius asked, trying to lift his friend's discouraged mood.

"Earrings."

"How nice."

"Yeah, I thought so too."

"Does she even have pierced ears?"

James looked up. "Of course! …Doesn’t she?"

Sirius shrugged cluelessly.

"You’ve no idea?! Ah come on, now you’ve made me even more unsure than I already was!"

"Why’re you being unsure?" Monty appeared in the hallway, visibly relieved to have escaped Effie's reach, and handed the casserole dish to Sirius so he could slip on his coat.

"Oh, nothing," his son brushed it off. "I just got a different result than Sirius on a maths problem."

"Ah. Well, you’ll find out who’s right when you get the test back."

James nodded and, when his father wasn’t looking, made a desperate hand gesture with his eyes wide open.

As Monty took back the casserole, he sighed. "Your mother’s cooked enough for half of England again."

"Wont Claire be upset if Mum brings so much of her own food?"

Monty shook his head. "The women have divided the cooking. Your mum’s doing dessert and a casserole, Claire’s in charge of the roast, and Lucien’s made the rest."

Sirius’s stomach growled at the thought of all the delicious food he’d soon be devouring.

At that moment, a stressed-looking Effie bustled towards them, balancing a porcelain dish in one hand while trying to wrestle herself into her coat with the other. Monty helped her get her free arm into the sleeve, and James took the dish from her.

"Remind me next time not to stress over a holiday we don’t even celebrate in my culture."

"But you love Christmas dinner!"

"Yes, James, I do," Effie sighed. "That’s the problem. Anyway, have you got the food?"

All three men nodded in confirmation.

"Alright then, let’s get going."

They had barely stepped out the door when James realised he was still wearing his pyjama top instead of his button-down. Swearing under his breath, he dashed back upstairs to change.

"Damn it," Monty muttered two seconds later, smacking his forehead. "The wine!"

He too rushed back inside to fetch the wine.

"Those two…" Sirius muttered, shaking his head, knowing it would make Effie smile. Sure enough, she snorted in disbelief.

"Tell me about it. And then they always blame me for us being late… So, what about Regulus? Is he coming or not?"

"About as likely as elephants falling from the sky."

"Hmm," Effie murmured, giving his arm a quick squeeze. "It’ll be lovely either way."

Sirius held back from telling her that he was actually relieved his younger brother wouldn’t be coming. She didn’t need to know what a selfish git he was. He’d managed to escape home through a web of lies and secrecy. His parents thought he’d taken the bus to visit Uncle Alphard in the next town. Only Reggie knew the truth. And when Sirius had let him in on the plan, Regulus hadn’t really reacted. He had apparently decided to forgo his role as Sirius’s personal watchdog.

Two minutes before the universally agreed "fashionably late" threshold, the Potters and Sirius arrived at the Pettigrews' lavishly decorated house. Pine needles and branches were draped along the garden fence, strung together with blinking fairy lights. The homemade nativity scene was also in its usual place. The door was ajar, so the four of them walked straight in. Laughter and the smell of roasting meat greeted them, inviting them to cast aside any lingering worries—after all, it was Christmas, and Christmas was the best time of year.

Rosie, dressed in a pink frock with two braided pigtails, came racing into the hallway to greet them, closely followed by Claire, who enveloped Effie in a warm hug.

"It’s so good to see you," she exclaimed, hugging Monty, and then planting a wet kiss on both James’s and Sirius’s cheeks. The two boys had to summon all their self-control not to wipe it off with their sleeves—such behaviour was no longer acceptable for sixteen-year-olds.

“Are we the first to arrive?” Effie asked as Claire took her coat.

“Oh, no!” Claire said, swiftly hanging up everyone’s coats, scarves, and hats. It was obvious she was feeling a bit frazzled. “The McKinnons are already in the living room, and Mary and Loreen are here as well. I actually sent the children outside so they wouldn’t be in our way,” she added, raising an eyebrow at Rosie, who immediately pouted.

“But muuuum, I’m not a little kid anymore!” she protested, crossing her arms. “And Peter doesn’t want to play with me, so what am I supposed to do?”

“How about you show Mary and Marlene the new doll clothes granny gave you for your birthday?” Claire suggested. After a moment’s thought, Rosie reluctantly agreed.

“Fiiine,” she mumbled before disappearing into the living room to gather the other girls.

“Well, I’m sure Mary and Marls will be delighted,” Sirius whispered to James with a smirk.

Just then, the door behind them swung open, and since they were all still standing in the narrow entryway, Monty had to quickly step aside to avoid being knocked over.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Lily’s mum exclaimed as she entered, the first of the Evans family to arrive.

The commotion kicked off all over again: loud greetings, enthusiastic hugs, and a chorus of “Merry Christmas!” echoed through the hall as coats were taken and brightly wrapped presents exchanged hands.

While the adults (and Petunia) stayed in the hallway chatting about their week, James, Lily, and Sirius snuck off into the living room to find Peter. He was sitting by the fireplace, playing a round of cards with his older brother Ollie, his dad, and Marlene’s two younger brothers.

James’ “Merry Christmas” was instantly followed by a flurry of greetings, hugs, and cheerful waves. Sirius noticed Mary and Marlene, who were reluctantly agreeing to let Rosie drag them up to her room. He grinned and waved at them, prompting Mary to stick her tongue out in response.

As Rosie followed Mary’s gaze, she spotted Lily (her favourite of Peter’s friends) and instantly forgot about her other companions. She bolted towards Lily and flung herself at her, sending her crashing into James. He just about managed to grab Lily’s shoulders, stopping her from toppling over.

“Lily, Lily, Lily! I want to show you something, come with me!” the little girl cried, grabbing a startled Lily by the hand and pulling her towards the stairs, past the bemused adults peering in.

Mary and Marlene giggled quietly.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius noticed James tucking the red parcel into his shirt pocket rather than placing it under the tree with the rest of the gifts. Gotta hand it to the bloke, Sirius thought as they sat down at the table, he’s got guts.

Ollie, a tall, rugby-playing lad with impressive muscles, rolled his eyes at his little sister’s behaviour.

“When we were kids, we weren’t allowed to run around bothering the guests like that,” he grumbled. His father beside him pretended to be deep in thought about his next move.

After a while, the adults made their way into the living room, each holding a glass of wine or champagne. Soon enough, Christmas music began to play softly from the stereo, encouraging the room to rise its noise level slightly.

The Meadows family were the next guests to arrive, though Lucien, Dorcas’ dad, had already been at Claire’s since the afternoon preparing the main course. The Meadowes women carried baskets of presents and placed them under the towering Christmas tree before Dorcas joined Mary and Marlene on the sofa.

Meanwhile, Sirius, Peter, James, and the other men under forty were locked in a heated game of Uno when the final guests finally turned up.

As always, it was the Lupins, and as always, their tardiness brought a round of laughter from the parents, who had long since turned it into a running joke. It was practically tradition by now. No one said it aloud, but Sirius could sense everyone wondering where Lyall Lupin was when only Hope and Remus showed up.

After Hope had finished greeting everyone with kisses on the cheek and the obligatory “My, how you’ve grown!” she was whisked off to the kitchen to check on the punch.

Remus slipped quietly past the adults and nodded at his friends, looking tired. The dark circles under his eyes hinted at either a sleepless night or a row with his parents.

Unfortunately, Sirius was wedged between James and one of Marlene’s brothers, so he couldn’t get over to ask what was wrong. Remus stood watching for a while but didn’t stay long. He eventually retreated to a less crowded corner, and before long, Sirius lost sight of him entirely.

"Another round!" Peter called out cheerfully, having just won for the fourth time in a row, much to the displeasure of his brother, which Peter was openly enjoying.

Sirius flinched and laid his terrible cards on the table. "I'm sitting this one out. Er, I'll go see if they need any help in the kitchen."

"Alright," Peter said indifferently, "if you have a death wish, go ahead."

"Let me shuffle this time," Ollie chimed in, but Peter quickly pulled the deck out of his reach.

"I’m better at it than you."

"As if!" Ollie shot back. "No wonder you always win. You keep all the good cards to yourself!"

Peter’s face flushed red. "Are you accusing me of cheating?"

"Let’s grab the other deck and play poker. Then we’ll see who the real winner is."

Sirius had no interest in following the brewing argument, especially since Peter and Ollie were glaring at each other with such intensity it seemed they were about to go for each other's throats. The last thing he heard as he left the room was James trying to mediate between them.

Sirius cautiously peered into the kitchen, which was in complete disarray: Lucien was hunched over a cake, meticulously adding the finishing touches to the icing, Claire was frantically searching for a knife, and Hope was tasting her punch with a dissatisfied expression.

No, this chaos wasn’t for him, especially since Effie and a gaggle of other mums were heading towards the kitchen. They’d likely assign him to lay the table, only to criticise the way he’d arranged the forks.

So, instead, he slipped into the now blissfully empty hallway and hesitated briefly before heading up the stairs. 

Following the sound of voices from Rosie’s room, he saw the five girls sitting in front of a giant dollhouse, each holding a Barbie in hand. They were brushing the dolls' synthetic hair, changing their shoes, and arranging costumes, all while speaking to each other in exaggerated voices, mimicking their plastic counterparts. Rosie sat in the middle, beaming, clearly thrilled to be surrounded by the older girls.

Sirius considered making a witty comment to catch his friends in the act, but upon seeing the scene unfold, he thought better of it. Despite the age difference, it didn’t seem to stop them from playing together. It didn’t stop Lily, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas from slipping into the role of a seven-year-old girl.

He continued down the hallway and peeked into Peter’s room, but it was empty. It was only then that he realised he was looking for Remus. He thought about where the other boy might have hidden, and then it struck him—one of the many hideouts the Marauders used.

The ladder to the attic was tucked into a narrow space between the washing machine and a bookshelf, and it creaked just as it had back in the day. Once he reached the top, he opened the hatch and crawled the first few feet before there was enough space to stand upright.

The light was on, the air smelled damp, and cobwebs draped across the wooden beams. There was a relatively large window for an attic, in front of which the Marauders used to sit during summer, sipping on coke when the heat became unbearable.

Sirius wasn’t surprised to find Remus there. He was sitting by the open window, legs pulled up to his chest, his posture slouched and somehow melancholic. He had his back to him, so Sirius didn’t notice the cigarette until he got closer.

"Since when do you smoke?"

Remus whipped around. "For fucks sake, don't sneak up on me like that!"

Sirius sat down beside him, crossing his legs. "You didn’t hear me coming?"

"I was... kind of somewhere else."

Sirius nodded, then said, "You needed a quiet spot for a smoke break? Is that where you’re at now?"

A small smile crept onto Remus’ dimly lit face. "Something like that." 

He brought the cigarette to his lips, took a drag, and exhaled the smoke without blinking or coughing. Smoking wasn’t supposed to look that cool, but it did. 

"Can I try?" 

Without a word, Remus handed him the cigarette. "Don’t inhale too deeply, or you’ll—" 

But it was too late; Sirius had already eagerly taken a drag, far too deeply, and immediately burst into a coughing fit. 

"Argh, shit," he spluttered between coughs, "this is what all the fuss is about?" 

Remus took the cigarette back and brought it to his mouth again, smiling. Sirius watched, transfixed, as Remus’ lips curled around the cigarette, inhaling and exhaling the smoke effortlessly. 

"I think I need to practice," Sirius admitted, turning his eyes to the snow, which hadn’t stopped falling since the night before, now blanketing the ground in a peaceful winter wonderland. 

Remus made a small sound of agreement. "Just don’t tell James or Peter, okay?" he asked, flicking the finished cigarette onto the floor. "Especially not James. You know how he feels about smoking. He’d make a huge scene." 

A cold gust of wind blew a strand of hair into Sirius’ face, and he cursed himself for not thinking to grab a jacket. Remus, however, seemed entirely unbothered by the chill, so Sirius tried his best not to shiver. 

He promised he wouldn’t tell anyone. "Where’d you even get them?"

"Mum," Remus replied, leaving it to Sirius’ imagination whether he’d stolen the pack or Hope had given it to him. 

"Right. So why’d you come up here?" 

Remus gave him a pained look. "I thought we’d already established I needed a smoke." 

Sirius shook his head in disbelief. His friend looked so grown-up in that moment. 

"Fair enough." 

They sat in silence for a while, staring out at the snow as it continued to drift down, cloaking the world in an innocent cover it didn’t deserve, because the world was anything but innocent. 

"Dad kicked off, that’s why we were late," Remus said suddenly, shifting his position. 

"Oh?" 

"He got angry because Mum hadn’t ironed his shirt, and apparently, he couldn’t possibly go out in a wrinkled shirt. Never mind that our iron’s been broken for a year now. Mum tried to convince him to pop by Effie’s and use hers, but by the time we got to the Potters’, you lot had already left." 

"And where’s your dad now?" 

Remus rubbed his forehead. "He went home. Said there’s no point in going anywhere if he doesn’t have an ironed shirt." 

"Since when does your dad care so much about his clothes?" 

"It’s not about his fucking clothes. He was acting like a stroppy toddler, looking for any excuse not to come. I think he didn’t want to see people. Probably scared they’d ask what he’s been up to, and he’d have to admit he’s still unemployed." 

Remus’ face remained completely neutral, as if he were talking about someone else’s dad, some classmate’s father he barely knew. But his hands, tense and reaching for the cigarette pack again, betrayed his true feelings. He placed another one between his lips and fumbled with the lighter, but his thumb kept slipping off the flint. 

Sirius took the lighter from him, lit it, and held the flame to the cigarette. The gesture was so natural that anyone watching must’ve thought they did this all the time.

"Don't let him ruin your evening," Sirius said sincerely. "That wouldn’t be right, not after Effie, Claire, Dorcas' dad, your mum, and everyone else worked so hard for this dinner." 

Remus nodded. "Yeah, I know. I won’t." 

"Good." He didn’t sound all that convincing, but Sirius decided to let it slide. 

After Remus smoked a bit more, he held the cigarette up in front of Sirius’ face, offering it to him. Sirius took it and tried another drag—this time without coughing. 

"Hey, have you noticed Ollie’s gotten, like, ten times bigger since November?" 

Remus snorted. "Could be. Poor Peter. I just hope he stops looking up to him." 

"It’s not doing him any favours," Sirius mused. "Every time he’s with Ollie, he seems... so different." 

Remus took the cigarette back and nodded. "I’ve noticed that too." 

"And it’s not like he needs to act like he’s the biggest guy around. We like him just the way he is." 

"You think he knows that?" Remus asked. Sirius opened his mouth to respond but closed it again.

Remus finished his second cigarette—or at least Sirius assumed it was his second, as he had no idea how long he had been sitting up here. 

"Hey, want to hear something funny?" Sirius asked, wiggling his eyebrows. 

"Hm?" 

"James is so into Lily." 

Remus tilted his head. "Yeah, no shit." 

"I know," Sirius grinned, "but he wants to make a move." 

"He wants to kiss her?" 

The thought made Sirius laugh. 

"Ha! If he even gets that far!" 

"You should give James a little more credit," Remus said. "He’s never given up, even after all this time." He absentmindedly rubbed a spot on his right trainer. "I mean, who else can you say that about? He might be a nutcase, chasing after one girl his whole life, but at the end of the day, he’s just a lovestruck idiot." 

"If he spends his whole life chasing after Lily, that’d be pretty creepy." 

"So creepy." 

"Remember in Primary school, when James wrote that poem for Lily on Valentine’s Day and read it aloud in class?" Sirius recalled. "He said it wasn’t for anyone specific, but after the tenth mention of ‘hair red like sunsets,’ everyone knew who it was about." 

"Everyone except one person," Remus added. It was true: whether intentionally or not, Lily had seemed to miss all the hints and carried on like she hadn’t just been the subject of a love declaration. 

"I have to admit, it was pretty romantic." 

"Very." 

"Makes me wonder if I could learn a thing or two from him." 

"You mean about grand romantic gestures that go unnoticed by the person they’re for?" Remus teased sarcastically. 

"Ha-ha. I know his efforts didn’t always succeed, but I think that’s because of his lack of confidence when it comes to Lily. I, on the other hand, have the confidence, so it wouldn’t fail for me." 

"So, you’re saying you’ll win over the girl of your dreams with your oh-so-impressive confidence?" 

"Exactly." 

"Uh-huh." Remus raised an eyebrow. "And has that worked before?" 

"Well," Sirius began, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. His throat went dry. "I haven’t really needed to use it yet because... well, you know." He finished lamely. 

He avoided Remus’ eyes, rubbing his palms on his jeans. He wasn’t sure why, but an invisible wall had appeared in his mind, blocking any version of reality where he asked a girl out. 

"Because it worked without over-the-top confidence so far?" Remus suggested. 

"Yup," Sirius agreed, without fully understanding what Remus had just said. "You know, uh... when I had the thing with Eva, she found my natural self quite charming." 

Remus nodded knowingly. 

‘The thing with Eva’ lay two years in the past now, and they’d kissed a grand total of six times before she moved to another city, but Sirius didn’t feel the need to bring that up. He knew that Remus remembered how things had ended with her, and he was grateful Remus wasn’t throwing it in his face. 

"Maybe your supernatural confidence will come in handy when you’re trying to win over a girl one day," Remus mused, and Sirius wished the conversation had ended about three minutes earlier. "Or maybe you’ll find someone who just likes you for who you are, without needing to put on an act."

As Sirius looked up, he noticed Remus studying him carefully, as if trying to solve a riddle. 

"Well, um... that would be ideal," he replied, mentally smacking himself. Fucks sake, Sirius... 

Fortunately for him, the conversation ended there. Remus stretched to close the window, and Sirius seized the opportunity to gather his thoughts. 

Every student had a certain reputation in school, which wasn’t all that large. Lily Evans was seen as the teachers’ pet, James Potter as the former class clown who had recently been channelling his creativity more into achieving good grades, and Peter Pettigrew was regarded as the shy but friendly member of the Marauders. The boy next to him was known as one of the hardest-working students, mostly remaining a mystery since he rarely shared much about himself. And Sirius Black had a reputation as a heartthrob. 

Yet he had only had two girlfriends in his life so far—one in fourth grade and another in eighth. Since Eva, he hadn’t really felt the... need for a relationship. Sure, he found several girls attractive and enjoyed teasing them playfully, knowing they secretly liked him and would later giggle with their girlfriends because of him. He had seen it happen several times after winking at them, prompting more giggles in return. 

He liked that girls were into him, that he could wrap some of them around his finger. The only annoying part about his heartthrob status was the occasional love letter directed at him, as he had to come up with excuses for each one, thanking them for the sweet words while expressing his lack of interest. 

However, when things started to get serious with a girl he really did like and who liked him back, he didn’t get cold feet, but something in him would change. It was like someone pressed a button against his will. He could be standing in front of the pretty girl from biology or the older girl from French class, enjoying flirting with them, but the second they flirted back, hinting that whatever was supposedly blossoming between them could be something worth longing for, he would become shy and tongue-tied.  

He would deflect, resorting to pranks and jokes to distract himself from whatever was going on inside him. 

"Reckon we could steal a bottle of wine at dinner and drink it later in the barn?" 

"Huh, what?" Sirius shook his head to return to the present. Remus was looking outside the window. 

"They won’t let us drink alcohol at dinner. But I really want to go home drunk tonight," Remus said, a mischievous gleam in his brown eyes. 

"After last night, you want to drink more alcohol today?" Sirius asked, recalling the previous night when they had celebrated the first snowfall with a bottle of brandy under the old oak tree. 

Remus shrugged. "Why not? Last night was fun. We might as well do it again while we still have winter break." 

"Alright," Sirius agreed, having no objections. "Let’s tell Wormtail and Prongs. Maybe we can snag more than just a bottle of wine."

"Good thinking." 

"Speaking of James," Sirius said, "Have I mentioned that he wants to give Lily handmade earrings?" 

Remus raised his eyebrows. 

Sirius filled him in on James’ plan. Remus maintained that they shouldn’t count James out, but they both agreed they’d love to be there when he handed Lily the red package. 

They reminisced about other embarrassing stories involving James and his more or less subtle attempts to make it clear to Lily that he had feelings for her. They talked and laughed for a while, and even though they teased James a bit, Sirius knew they both felt a huge bucket of love for their mutual friend weighing on their hearts. 

When the inevitable moment arrived to return to the chaos, Remus sighed and leaned his head against a low-hanging roof beam. 

"I really don’t want to go downstairs." 

Sirius looked at him. "Well, we have to go back eventually." 

"I know." 

"You know quite a lot of things." 

"I know." 

They laughed, even though the joke wasn’t particularly funny. Sirius felt a bit tipsy—or maybe he was just happy. After all, he loved Christmas with the neighbours, because the actual Christmas with Walburga, Orion, and Regulus was nothing compared to this, lacking in laughter, joy, and warmth. 

"Come on," Sirius said, standing up with some effort. "They’re probably looking for us." 

Remus groaned, reluctantly getting to his feet. "There are so many people; they won’t notice if two are missing." 

"Wishful thinking, but don't forget about James, who would send out a search party by the appetizer." 

They had barely reached the bottom of the stairs when someone called out to them. They exchanged a look, raising their eyebrows, and mentally bracing themselves for the impending chaos. 

As it turned out, dinner was nearly ready and was currently being set up by Mary and her mother. Mary handed the two boys some napkins. 

"Where have you been?" she asked, clearly in a hurry, and seemed to think there wasn’t time for an explanation. "You need to bring these to the kids' table. James and Lily accidentally set the wrong ones, so Claire asked me to get the right ones." Mary’s expression revealed what she thought of this nonsense, though she managed to hold her tongue out of politeness. 

"Where are James and Lily now?" Sirius inquired, looking over at the crowded living room, where the adults (and Petunia and Ollie) were talking and laughing loudly. 

Mary sighed, adjusting a fork. "They went outside because Claire was nearly having a meltdown." 

"Fair enough," Sirius replied, walking over to the kids' table that had been set up in the living room. He and Remus placed the napkins on the seats. Sirius put more effort into decorating than ever before. 

Once that was done, Effie called the two boys over to gather the other kids, as it was almost time to eat. Promptly at eight o’clock, Peter’s dad rang the bell, signalling to the guests to take their seats. However, it took a while before everyone had settled down on a chair. 

After what felt like an eternity of back and forth, filled with exclamations such as: “I think I left the brown sauce in the kitchen” and “Does everyone have a big and a small spoon?” the guests were finally allowed to load their plates. 

Sirius didn’t know where to start. Before him lay plates piled high with potatoes, beans, meat pie, roast, salad, bread, and so much more. In the end, he took a bit of everything. 

“You eat like an animal,” Mary chided from across the table. Sirius shrugged carelessly, set aside the chicken bone, and wiped his fingers clean with his napkin. 

“Then don’t gawk over here if it bothers you!” 

“Oh wow, very mature, Black.” 

Sirius blew her a kiss. 

“Would you be so kind and not take up so much space?” Lily demanded sweetly of James, who was sitting next to her, her green eyes practically seething. 

“I’d love to make room for you,” James defended himself, “but Sirius is sitting next to me.” 

“I just think you’re taking up a lot of space, that’s all,” Lily replied unusually irritated. 

“Well, I can’t exactly make myself smaller than I am, can I?” 

“That’s a shame; it would be lovely if you could.” 

“Can someone pass me the beans, please?” Peter asked, but all eyes were fixed on the spectacle that Lily and James were providing. 

“Why don’t you just move closer to Petunia? How about that?” James suggested. Was Sirius imagining things, or had something happened between the two? He looked over at Remus, who seemed to be wondering the same thing. 

“I don’t want to move closer to her; otherwise, she won’t have any space left.” 

“True,” James began, “but—” 

“For heaven’s sake!” Petunia exclaimed, annoyed. “I’ll go see if there’s a seat free over with the adults.” She stood up, took her plate and glass, and turned her back on them. Lily watched her sister leave with a guilty expression. 

“Can I please have the beans now?” Peter asked after a beat of uncomfortable silence. Marlene handed them to him. 

The conversation immediately picked up again, which was no surprise with at least ten chatty teenagers and Rosie at the table. 

For the rest of the evening, Lily and James did their best to ignore each other. The air between them felt dangerously charged. They consistently looked intentionally in the opposite direction of one another, which made it difficult for Sirius to talk to Lily. The two seemed very determined to keep more distance between them than the narrow, extended table allowed, so Sirius, sitting next to James and Peter, found it quite hard to bring his fork to his mouth. 

“Soon,” was all James whispered by way of explanation. 

Even before James later filled his three friends in on the row with Lily in the barn, with a half-empty bottle of whisky in hand, Sirius already had a suspicion of what had happened. 

It must have occurred while he and Remus had hidden away in the attic and the rest of the gang had been sent to the garden to avoid bothering Claire any further. (Peter and Ollie had squabbled for quite a while and had nearly come to blows had their furious mother not intervened.)

Dinner lasted several hours, as usual. Sirius ate so much that he had no room left for dessert. Gradually, a few mothers began to clear the tables and started washing up while the rest rummaged for games, refilled wine glasses, or went out to the garden for a smoke. 

At some point, Claire bustled into the dining room and ordered everyone to squeeze into the living room as it was time for the present giving. 

“The youngest distributes the gifts!” Claire said to Rosie, who suddenly became very shy at her new task and preferred to hide behind Lily. 

“I don’t want to!” she retorted stubbornly. 

For three seconds Claire seemed to contemplate whether it was worth the effort to argue with Rosie and ultimately decided against it. 

“Very well,” she said, pointing at her youngest son, who had just entered the room. “Pete, darling, please be so kind as to distribute the gifts.” 

Peter also didn’t seem particularly keen on the idea but didn’t resist his stressed mother and did as he was told. 

The gift-giving lasted an eternity. Sirius received a pair of socks from Claire, a book of easy recipes from the Meadowes, a new pencil case from Hope (“Remus told me you only ever bring one pen to school.”), and from Effie and Monty, he got a folder to keep his CDs in (“We know you prefer to collect vinyl,” Effie said, “but you have enough CDs to put in there just fine.”) 

He was delighted with all the gifts, Christmas cards, and other gestures. But he was especially pleased when, around half eleven, the first guests began to leave, allowing the Marauders to sneak out of the house less conspicuously and retreat to the barn. 

After Sirius had shared his and Remus's plan with Peter, he had sneaked into the kitchen and hidden an untouched whisky bottle in his coat. Now it was just waiting for the four of them to crack it open. 

They reached the old barn just before midnight. First, they greeted old Gruffy downstairs before climbing the ladder up to the hayloft and settling down comfortably on the floor. 

The bottle made its first round, and James began his story. 

“She reacted quite well at first,” he reported with rosy cheeks that were either due to the cold, the alcohol, or the memory. “I think she was a bit sceptical when I asked her for a moment alone, but she was pleased with my gift. I could read that in her eyes!” 

“How exactly did she react?” Sirius probed curiously. He brought the whisky to his mouth and took a sip. Disgusting. 

James gazed dreamily at the floor. “She turned all red. She thanked me, and her eyes were sparkling …” 

Sirius, Remus, and Peter chuckled at their lovesick friend. 

“What did she think of the earrings?” Remus asked, taking the bottle from Sirius to have a drink. 

“She liked them,” James replied immediately. “Luckily she has pierced ears.” 

“And where’s the problem now?” 

James took a deep breath. “The problem, Sirius, is that I…” He hesitated, fiddling with a loose thread on his trainers. “... that I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend.” 

Peter made a surprised noise. 

“So what?” Sirius said unimpressed. “Didn’t you expect her reaction?” 

“How did Lily react, anyway?” Remus asked. 

“At first, she didn’t react at all, and it was… it was terrible,” James stammered. “I thought she hadn’t heard me. Then, after a few seconds of awkward silence, I was about to backtrack, but she just said it wouldn’t work.” 

“What wouldn’t work?” 

“She can’t be with him. Come on, Peter, pay attention!” Sirius said, shaking his head. Peter said, “Yes, yes, alright. So, she can’t be with you because…?” 

“Now it gets a little bizarre,” James said, literally keeping his friends in suspense. 

“She secretly has a boyfriend!” Sirius blurted out what had come to mind first. 

“She fancies someone else?” Peter gasped. He always got hiccups when he drank alcohol. 

“She thinks you’re annoying?” Remus suggested calmly. 

James shook his head persistently. “No. To all of that. Although—” 

“The last one’s actually true,” Sirius said, grinning, but James ignored him. 

“Now that we’re talking about it, it could actually be true that she’s into someone else.” James stared at them in horror. “Oh God,” he exclaimed, raking his hair back so it stood out in all directions. “She can’t possibly fancy Snape!” 

Three heads jerked upwards simultaneously. 

“Snape?!” Sirius cried, flabbergasted. Of all the boys in the world, it had to be Severus Snape?! 

“Why him of all people?” Peter whined, grimacing as though he smelled sour milk. 

“And how do you even come to the idea that Lils fancies him?” Remus said, sounding more composed than the other two. “Did she explicitly tell you?” 

Sirius considered that it wasn’t entirely unlikely that Lily Evans fancied Severus Snape; after all, she was the only one who didn’t avoid him and even maintained something resembling a friendship with him. Well, at least she had in the past. However, for several months now, there seemed to be a certain distance between the two. 

James took new hope from Remus’s doubts and seemed to recall the encounter with Lily very clearly. 

“Well, she didn’t say she fancied Snape, and she didn’t say she fancied someone else either.”

“What did she say, then?” Sirius pressed. But James didn’t respond. He looked as though he had just realised something terrible.

“I think… I think I’ve completely messed it up…” he murmured. His shoulders visibly slumped, and he buried his disappointed face in his hands.

Sirius and Remus exchanged a concerned look. Seeing their friend like this was not only rare; it was simply uncharted territory for them. James always held it together. He had never been so deflated as he was in this moment.

Sirius attempted to cheer him up. “It can't be that bad. She's Lily, and Lily needs her time to think things through. It was probably not a definitive rejection but more like a ‘Thanks for asking, but I can't give you an answer right now because I need to think about it.’”

“To me, her ‘I can't be with you’ sounded pretty final, though,” James replied quietly, still hiding his face.

“I don’t believe that” Sirius countered, looking pleadingly at Remus and Peter, who were conspicuously silent. ‘Say something,’ he mouthed, and Remus visibly gathered himself:

“Yeah, Sirius is right. Lily didn’t mean it like that.”

“She’d have to be pretty daft to fancy Snape instead of you!” Peter added hastily.

“I just wonder why she doesn’t want to be with me,” James said softly, sounding so dejected that it left Sirius momentarily speechless. James ran a hand through his hair one last time and finally took his hand away from his face. There were no tears in his eyes, but they were red and weary - whether from sadness or from rubbing them, Sirius couldn’t tell. He took the whiskey that had lingered with Remus, took a few swigs, grimaced, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“I know you think this is just a silly crush, but... I've been in love with her for ages, and now I’ve finally told her, and she just rejected me, and now I’m left wondering what to do with these feelings I have for her and why on earth she doesn't want to be with me... What the hell am I doing wrong, hmm?”

None of them could tell him.

“I just don’t understand…” he concluded indifferently.

Sirius was aware that James was desperate, so how could he cheer him up? He didn’t know. If anyone deserved their first love, it was James. James, who was kind and helpful, who was trusting and always saw the humour in everything. James, who could be clumsy and outspoken but also had talent and willingness.

Sirius believed that James was one of the best people he had ever met. And if that 'best' referred to being a good person who never let his flaws get the better of him – then James was the closest embodiment of that ideal.

Anyone who didn’t appreciate that was foolish.

Sirius wished he could say all this and make it clear. Instead, he said, “Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but our dear Evans isn’t the only girl on this planet. You’ll fall in love again. And again. And later you’ll fall in love again. That’s the way things go.”

“Since when have you become so wise?” Remus said, squinting his eyes.

“People call me ‘Sirius the Wise.’”

“No they don’t.”

“I can be very wise when I want to be.”

“In your dreams, maybe.”

“Moony’s right, you numpty,” James snorted, his lips finally forming a familiar smile. 

“So, you’re beginning to see that the world isn’t ending?” Sirius asked, raising his brows at James.

“It probably wont. Anyway…” He cleared his throat and sat up straight. “Jesus, what have we become, we’ve already finished the bottle!”

“Moony drank half of it!” Peter exclaimed, pointing a finger at Remus. Remus’s expression instantly darkened.

“That’s not true at all!” he shot back.

Not wanting to engage in a quarrel, Sirius quickly interjected, “Yeah, yeah, we all agree we’re slowly but surely developing a drinking problem. Except you, Pete, not you,” he added hastily as Peter opened his mouth in outrage.

Contrary to his expectations, Remus’s expression did not lighten; instead, it remained oddly stern, as if he had just been bombarded with insults. Sirius wondered if Remus didn’t get the joke but couldn’t diffuse the situation further, as Peter posed a question to James.

“Why were you all acting so weird during dinner? Was it just because she turned you down?”

James looked guilty. “Not exactly,” he said. “I might have lost the cool facade a bit when Lily said that and accused her of strange things?”

“What sort of things?”

“For example, I spoke rather poorly of Snape.”

Remus groaned.

“You’re telling me you were the one who brought Snape into the conversation?!” Sirius asked incredulously.

“I merely pointed out that she probably finds him much nicer than me, and I couldn't quite understand that, and then Lily  lot her patience, and somehow I just kept digging myself deeper into the mess…”

Peter slapped his forehead. Remus shook his head in disbelief.

“YOU IDIOT, POTTER!” Sirius cried in frustration, throwing himself against a startled James with all his might. They staggered and fell sideways onto the wooden floor, before James grabbed him by the shoulder and tried to push him away. They rolled from side to side, bumping against Peter and Remus, who hastily made way. “You’re such an idiot, such an idiot!” Sirius kept shouting as James laughed and pushed back against him.

The scuffle lasted until James finally exclaimed helplessly, “I got it, I’m an idiot! I give up!”

Sirius relaxed, satisfied. “I’m relieved I could bring you back to your senses.”

James punched him in the side. “Numpty.”

“Idiot.”

“Better now?” Remus said, unperturbed.

Sirius and James grinned at each other.

“Think so,” James said.

Chapter Text

31st December 1990

Sirius remembers New Year's Eve in 1990 particularly well. It wasn't too different from other New Year's celebrations, but one event - or more precisely one sentence - was to become a significant turning point in Sirius Black's life.

The evening began with a crowded first floor at the Black residence, as Walburga and Orion were hosting a grand New Year’s party this year, inviting family members from all over the world, acquaintances and colleagues, business partners, and a whole bunch of other important people to ensure Orion Black was seen in a favourable light. After all, he was on the verge of sealing a massive deal.

Sirius, who had been forced for as long as he could remember to memorise names and their associated faces, had to plaster on his best heir-to-the-throne smile, shake hands, and make small talk about disastrous politics.

He hated every second of it. He was standing in a small group of six people – all men from a charity organisation Orion’s company worked with – and was sourly listening to a lecture on the importance of large corporate donations to boost the well-being of disadvantaged people. Sirius agreed wholeheartedly. However, he would show much more enthusiasm if he didn’t know that his father had so much money that he could do far more good. His small donation was only important to him for the sake of his image, to distract from the latest scandal.

Sirius had always thought people viewed Orion as some kind of saint.

After what felt like an eternity, he was finally able to shake the men off. He excused himself and made a beeline for Regulus, who was speaking to a flock of vultures, aka a group of cousins and uncles. His empty eyes and thinly pressed lips told Sirius that he too would much rather be somewhere else.

Sirius recalled how, as children, they used to sneak away to his room during these sorts of events and read fairy tales under the blanket.

As Sirius drew nearer, Bella was saying in her shrill voice, which could be heard across the entire hall, “Regulus, I think you shouldn’t waste a single second at university after school. The business is doing so well, you should dive straight in.”

Bella’s father agreed with her. “It would be foolish of you not to stay close on your father’s heels. You’ll achieve great things. Unlike your brother, you’ve got the necessary potential.”

“How very charming of you.”

Several contemptuous glares turned towards Sirius. It was almost remarkable how quickly the atmosphere of an entire group could sour.

“Sirius,” Bella said, her voice sharp as a knife. “How nice of you to grace us with your presence.”

“How’s your training going?” Bella’s father asked, raising his champagne glass to his lips. “Orion’s taking you to meetings and stuff?”

“It’s going as smoothly as the hair gel you put on your hair, Uncle. Father’s over the moon.” Sirius flashed him a fake smile. “Reggie, a quick word?”

Before his brother could agree, Sirius led him by the elbow to a nook by the staircase.

“Stop calling me Reggie,” Regulus hissed at him.

“Oh right, sorry, Reginald. I forgot you’ve got a stick up your arse.”

Regulus didn’t rise to the bait. “What do you want?”

“I need you to cover for me.”

“Bloody forget it,” Regulus shot back immediately. “I’m not doing that anymore.”

“Please. It’ll only take a minute. I slip out unnoticed through the kitchen. There’re too many people by the front.”

“Just… Tell them you’ve got an urgent matter to attend to or something.”

“And what might that be?”

For a split second, a spark of humour flashed in Regulus’s eyes.

“Tell them you’ve got a mistress in the village who’s about to give birth, and you simply can’t leave her alone. What a shame. You’ll miss all the fun ’round here.”

“Are you drunk or something?”

Regulus blinked, unfazed. Sirius realised that Regulus had indeed probably had too much champagne. Even the perfect Black couldn’t endure all the vultures out there without a drink.

“Anyway,” Sirius continued, “Another second of this circus and I might have to throw myself off a cliff. If Mother or Father ask where I am, tell them I wasn’t feeling well.”

“And if they want to check?”

“They won’t do it themselves. Just bribe Katy to keep her mouth shut somehow.”

“Hmph,” Regulus scoffed. “She never sticks up for us. She’s a total gossip.”

Sirius snorted. “Listen to you. You’ve definitely had too much to drink.”

Regulus pointed a warning finger. “Stop talking so much rubbish, Sirius. It’ll be the end of you one day.”

“How sweet that you care about me–”

“Idon’tcareaboutyou–”

“–but I really need to leave now. Can I count on you?”

Regulus hesitated. Finally, he gave a small nod. Sirius exhaled in relief.

“Brilliant. Well, Happy New Year then. Have fun and go easy on the champagne. Or don’t, at least you’ll enjoy yourself that way.” He winked. “See ya.”

He left Regulus standing and discreetly made his way into the servants' kitchen, where the cook and his helper were busy preparing cocktails and appetizers. Sirius gave them a nod, but they paid him no attention as he slipped out through the back door.

The night was cool, although the snow had already melted. He heard the bass first, then the cheerful music, and finally the laughter and chatter that floated through the streets, audible from quite a distance.

The residents of Godric's Hollow always threw their New Year's Eve party on the main street. Since no one would be driving through at this hour, they had set up plastic tables loaded with hot dogs and snacks, with beer and liquor stored on a nearby bench. A stereo system sat by the garden fence that bordered the Pettigrews' front yard.

A broad grin spread across Sirius's face as he was greeted cheerfully by the crowd. James came rushing over to him, excited.

“You made it!”

“Piece of cake,” Sirius grinned. “Are they finally allowing us alcohol?”

James looked at the beer bottle in his left hand, regretfully. “Unfortunately not, I’m holding this one for Dad. He's with Richard and Lucien over there.”

He nodded toward three men who were hunched over a massive cardboard box. Sirius knew what the box contained.

“Ah, yes, the famous firework of Godric's Hollow needs preparation. Class.”

James beamed. “Dad promised we get to set some off this time. The big ones, too.”

Sirius was so, so glad he had escaped Grimmauld Place and was now surrounded by people who actually knew how to celebrate a fun party. He and James joined the three men, admiring the fireworks they’d set off at midnight.

“Don’t tell your mother how much I spent on these again,” Monty said, adjusting his glasses.

James nodded mischievously. He and his father both had their arms on their hips, looking at the boxes with an almost childlike expression of anticipation. At times they looked strikingly alike, with the same facial expressions and gestures; habits James had copied from Monty and adopted long ago. There was no other father and son duo that had so much in common as these two, so much respect from the younger one and so much pride from the older one. Sometimes Sirius felt a pang of jealousy, but never so deep that he could stay miserable for long. He enjoyed this dynamic far too much. Though he may not be Monty’s son, he made him feel like he belonged.

“Prongs, glad I found you. Oh, hi, Sirius!”

“Hi, Peter.”

“Joanna was asking if wanna eat the hot dogs now. Are you coming?”

“Nah, Pete. You should try getting close to her on your own.”

“Who’s Joanna?” Sirius asked curiously.

“That’s easier said than done,” Peter wailed, puffing out his cheeks. “I’ve no idea what to talk to her when we’re alone.”

“Just talk about something you know lots about. Something you’re confident in,” James advised.

“Yeah, that makes sense. How about dinosaurs?”

“Whoever this Joanna is, I’m sure she does not want to talk about dinosaurs,” Sirius commented.

“Joanna’s Marls’ cousin from Bristol. She and her little sister are visiting,” James explained.

“And she’s super pretty,” Peter added dreamily.

“So pretty that Pete’s completely besotted with her,” James teased, waggling his eyebrows meaningfully.

“Ahh, I see.”

“I’ll give Henry VI a try,” Peter decided. “Wish me luck!”

James gave him two thumbs up as Peter headed over to a girl with the longest hair Sirius has ever seen.

“Let’s hope Joanna’s a nerd too,” James muttered to Sirius, making him snigger.

At that moment, Lily’s red hair flashed past them. She held two cups of Sprite in her hands.

“Sirius!” she called out happily. “How’re doing? I hope you’re thirsty. This is for you.” She handed him one of the cups. Then, with a curt nod and barely a second wasted looking at him, she added, “James.”

James returned the nod, shoving his hands deep into his pockets awkwardly when Lily made no move to give him the other cup. Sirius almost pitied him. He took a sip,

“Aye, thanks, Lils.”

“Mary landed yet?” James asked, clearing his throat. Lily pressed her lips together,

“Yup. Rang me this afternoon. She and her family arrived in Spain safely.”

“I must say, I’m a bit jealous,” James admitted. Lily glanced at him sideways, raising her eyebrows. “Well, obviously she’s at the beach right now getting tanned,” he explained, shrugging.

“Is it even hot enough for that in Spain?” Sirius asked sceptically.

“Oh, it’s always hot enough over there,” Lily said dismissively, before something caught her attention. “Be right back, lads.”

James sighed as he watched her walk away, tension falling off him. “At least she looked at me.”

“Small steps, mate. Small steps.”

“She brought you a drink,” James pointed out.

“Yeah, she’s never done that before. Is this what it feels like to be Remus? The girls’ favourite?”

James nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, probably. Do you think she did that on purpose?”

“What?”

“She saw me with you, and because she didn’t want to talk to me, she brought you the drink so she could still kind of talk to me.”

Sirius blinked. “You barely exchanged two words with her.”

“That’s progress, really.”

Sirius shook his head, taking a sip of his drink.

“I don’t think she actually wants to be mad at me. We just need to figure this stuff out. I should go talk to her.”

“James, wait!” But the dark-haired boy was already leaving. Sighing, Sirius watched as he tapped Lily and pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. After a moment's hesitation, she nodded and the two disappeared behind the McKinnons' driveway.

Looking after them, something caught his attention. It was Lyall, who was standing with Lily’s parents and Hope, sharing a story that had them all laughing. Sirius was surprised to see him here. Perhaps he's finally found an ironed shirt, he thought grimly.

Sirius eyed his Sprite. Surely there had to be something better to drink. Even at the Blacks, he was allowed champagne. He walked over to the stacked crates of beer and made sure no one was watching before carefully grabbing a pint. No one would notice if he poured away his Sprite and replaced it with beer.

“Hello.”

Sirius jumped. For a moment, he feared Effie, or some other adult had caught him, but it was only Petunia, holding hands with a boy. It was her boyfriend, Vernon. He also took a beer and opened it with a bottle opener, paying no attention to Sirius.

“We’re allowed drinking?” Sirius asked. Petunia looked at him with disdain.

“Vernon’s eighteen.”

“Right. Lucky you, mate…”

She shook her head with a sigh. “If you see my darling sister, tell her I’d like my shoes back. The ones she’s wearing. She thought I wouldn’t notice. That cow.”

Petunia looked so irritated that Sirius felt an urgent need to escape her venomous vibes as quickly as possible. 

"Alright, I'll pass the message on." 

"You better. Vernon, come on." 

The couple moved on. 

"Always a pleasure," Sirius muttered under his breath. 

The stereo was playing the opening notes of Under Pressure, or rather, no—it was Ice Ice Baby (of course it was). While the crowd partied to the rhythm, Sirius scanned the area for Remus but couldn't spot him. Instead, he noticed Dorcas and Marlene laughing with Rosie and another girl Marlene introduced as her cousin Charlotte when he approached the group. Charlotte was about Rosie's age, and the two seemed to have quickly decided they were going to be best friends for life. 

"Have you seen Remus?" Sirius called out over the noise. 

"He got send to get more ketchup from home," Marlene explained while giving Charlotte a piggyback ride, swaying side to side, making the little girl burst into giggles. 

"When was that?" 

"About twenty minutes ago?" 

"Lyall's here." 

"Yeah, I know," Dorcas said with folded arms. "He seems to be in a good mood for once." 

Sirius looked over his shoulder. Lyall had his arm around Hope, who was happily leaning against him. 

"It’s my turn now!" Rosie demanded impatiently, holding out her arms to Dorcas, who didn’t look too thrilled. Groove Is in the Heart was now blasting through the speakers. Sirius wondered who was in charge of the music. 

"Let’s wait until Marls is free, alright?" Dorcas suggested cautiously, clearly trying not to upset Rosie. 

Peter's little sister was just about to protest when Remus strolled towards them. He pulled a bottle of liquor out of his jacket.

"Dad’ll be mad as hell, but it's worth it. Hiya, Padfoot." 

Marlene exclaimed, "Alright, let’s get wasted!" 

"We want some too!" Rosie squealed. 

Dorcas snorted. "That’s not meant for little kids." 

"We're not little!" Charlotte snapped. 

Dorcas bit her lip, clearly losing patience. "Obviously not." 

"Have you tried the other drinks?" Sirius asked the two little ones. "I’ve heard they’re absolutely to die for." 

"Ha-ha," Rosie said, folding her arms. "It’s just regular Sprite." 

"Exactly," Charlotte added, as if Sirius, Marlene, Dorcas, and Remus were totally stupid. "We want what you have." 

Dorcas was losing her cool. "That’s not happening, you little—" 

"How about we make a deal," Marlene interrupted quickly. "You let us drink this, and you can ride on Dorcas’s back." 

"Does it have to be me?!” Dorcas groaned. Marlene shot her a pointed look. 

"Oh, fine," she sighed, reluctantly bending down so a satisfied Rosie could climb on. 

"Yeehaw!" The girl shouted like a cowboy on a horse, pretending to throw an invisible lasso. 

"Okay, forget it," Dorcas said uncomfortably, immediately putting her back down. "Not happening when you’re digging your heels into my ribs." 

"Pleaseeee!” Rosie whined, pulling a face. "Then I want on one of your backs!" She pointed towards Sirius and Remus, and Sirius might’ve never felt so frightened in his life.   

He quickly hid behind Remus, who wasn’t fast enough to dodge. Rosie lunged at him, but he leapt back in a swift motion, accidentally stepping on Sirius’s foot. 

"I’ve got to put the ketchup away," Remus said hastily, escaping out of reach. 

"Yeah, and I need to help with that," Sirius added, following him. 

Rosie called out in disappointment, "But you give me a piggyback ride later, okay?" 

"Blimey, that kid’s persistent," Sirius chuckled, shaking his head.

"She’s got the determination Peter lacks." Remus set the ketchup down on the table near the hotdogs, then uncapped the bottle of liquor, took a swig, and handed it to Sirius. "Since he’s not with you, I’m guessing things are going well with Joanna?" 

"Not sure. He wanted to talk to her about some king or something." 

"Poor girl." 

Sirius considered asking Remus about his father being here, but then thought better of it. Remus seemed to be ignoring Lyall, although his dad was peacefully chatting with neighbours for once. The man was in the best mood Sirius had seen in months. Pushing the thought aside, he said, "Why’re they playing such shit music, anyway?" 

Remus took another sip of the liquor. "I knew you’d start complaining about it the second you got here." 

"Listen to that! This party is in desperate need for a good DJ. Come on." 

Remus sighed but followed him to the stereo. The people around them were in high spirits—well, drunk, really. Sirius and Remus suppressed amused grins as they walked by, receiving loud invitations to join in and listen to supposedly hilarious anecdotes. 

Sirius was pleased to see that James had placed his precious record collection in the crate with the records others had brought. He put on an EP first. A chorus of delighted squeals erupted from several ladies as Bowie and Jagger belted out: 

Callin' out around the world 

Are you ready for a brand new beat 

Summer's here and the time is right 

For dancin' in the street

Sirius just managed to dodge Effie, who was being twirled around by Monty. Dorcas’s parents were nodding along to the beat, while Lily’s parents clapped, and Claire tried to coax her eldest son into dancing with her. 

"Mission accomplished," Remus observed. 

"Absolutely." 

They spent the next hour selecting songs based on the crowd’s mood, usually leading to ecstatic reactions. 

At some point, James squeezed his way through to them, his cheeks flushed and his grin wide enough to reveal two dimples. 

"Well, well, well, look who finally decided to show up!" Sirius greeted him, handing over the now much-emptier bottle of liquor. 

James didn’t flinch as he drank. "Lils and I talked," he shouted over the music. "Turns out she’s not even that mad at me. Well, only a little. But I haven’t completely blown it!" 

"And what does that mean?" Sirius yelled back. 

"It means I’m back in the game, baby!" 

"Oh God," Remus muttered under his breath. James didn’t hear him. He was too busy scanning the crowd for Lily. She was chatting with her parents and smiled when she felt James watching her. 

"What’s your next move?" Sirius asked, amused at the sight of his distracted friend. 

"Dunno yet." James stated, taking another swig. "Isn’t she amazing, though? This evening feels straight out of those movies. I could talk to her forever!" 

Before Sirius or Remus could respond, James was saying loudly over the music, "I’m gonna ask her to dance with me. Do me a favour and play something nice!" He patted the stereo as if saying goodbye to an old friend and disappeared into the crowd. 

Sirius watched as he approached Lily. Even in the dim light, Sirius could see her nervously rubbing her hands on her skirt before finally taking James’s outstretched hand. 

"We should play the Kinks in his honour," Sirius suggested, rummaging through the chaos of records. 

He had just found the album when Remus exclaimed in disbelief, "Holy shit!" 

Sirius’s head shot up. "What? Are they kissing already?!" 

Remus pointed to a couple standing close together, away from the others. 

"Is that..." Sirius began, stunned, but he didn’t need to finish the sentence. There was no doubt who one of the people was—the stance, the hair, the nervous tension—it had to be Peter. 

"Holy shit," Remus repeated.

"Holy shit indeed."

"Are they snogging, or are they just standing really, really close?"

Sirius tilted his head, as if that might help him see more clearly in the dim lamplight whether Peter’s and Joanna’s lips were touching.

"Hard to say. Looks like they’re just dancing."

"They’re dancing pretty intensely, though."

They were. Their foreheads were touching, and Peter's hands rested awkwardly on her hips as if they didn't know exactly how they had found their way there in the first place.

Just as the next song began to play, the couple suddenly stopped. They stood still for a moment, both unsure of what to do next, and then Joanna leaned in to kiss Peter. He hesitated for a second, his hands still on her hips and now almost digging into the fabric of her jacket. Sirius thought he was going to pull away. But then another second passed, and Peter's head moved ever so slightly to the side to kiss her back.

It looked terribly awkward. But sweet.

Laughing, Sirius threw an arm around Remus' shoulder. "Well, Moony, that makes you the only one of us who’s never kissed anyone."

Remus furrowed his brows, looking puzzled. "I have kissed someone, though."

Sirius dropped his arm in surprise. "When?!"

"Of course you forgot," Remus muttered dismissively, sifting through the records.

"I didn’t—," Sirius began but stopped himself before getting too worked up about it. He racked his brain to recall whether Remus had ever mentioned it. "You’ve really kissed someone?"

Remus grimaced. "Why’re you saying it like that?"

"You’ve never told us!"

Remus frowned. "Oh. I must’ve told Lily, then. And I think Mary?" He shrugged. "Maybe Marls and Dorcas know too."

Sirius' jaw dropped. "How’s it the girls know, but not me?"

"When I told Lily, Mary happened to be there. And you know her—biggest gossip in school. I bet she told the others as well."

"Right, and... who was it you kissed?"

"I really thought I’d mentioned it..."

"Who?"

"Jasmine Harvey from Biology."

"Jasmine Harvey..." Sirius tried to place the name with a face. "Oh my God! Jasmine Harvey?!"

Remus continued to rummage through the records, unfazed.

"The Jasmine Harvey that every boy in Year Seven had a crush on?! Blimey, Moony! James and I spent days agonising over what to write in my love letter for her! When did this happen?"

"In Year Seven, just before summer holidays."

Sirius was speechless. "Wow, that’s... I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset or anything. I wasn’t that into her, but... well, it’s actually quite funny, that." He laughed, but Remus merely raised an eyebrow.

"Funny how?"

"Because you were like the chosen one!" Sirius exclaimed. "She had a load of admirers, and yet she kissed you!"

"I suppose... I was surprised too. She’d told me she was going away to camp for the holidays and was sad about missing her family. I was just trying to comfort her." Remus pulled a face. "Looking back, it was a pretty awkward kiss."

"Probably not as awkward as whatever those lovebirds have going on." Sirius nodded towards Peter and Joanna, who looked like they were trying to devour each other. They were stumbling clumsily and giggling whenever they needed a breather.

Remus looked as if he didn't know whether to laugh or be disgusted. He settled for an approving grin. "Ah, Wormy. You know what? Good for him."

"He deserves it," Sirius agreed, his eyes drifting to Lily and James, who were still dancing, clearly having a great time. James had had his first kiss just a day after Sirius, and with the same girl, no less, who apparently couldn’t decide between them at the time. A small smile tugged at his lips. Thinking back on it, it seemed silly how many love letters he used to receive, all with "Do you like me? Yes, No, Maybe" and a pink lipstick kiss at the bottom. Sirius had enjoyed having a bit of a fan club. James had received a few love letters as well, usually from the friends of the girls who’d slipped letters into Sirius’ schoolbag. Throughout their entire Primary school years, most girls used to ask other girls, "Who do you think is cuter—James or Sirius?" And yet, despite their heartthrob status, it had been Remus who kissed the prettiest girl in school.

"Jasmine Harvey... I still can’t believe you never told us," Sirius murmured, shaking his head.

"I really thought I mentioned it."

"Mentioned it? Moony, you don’t just mention something like that, you brag about it. And you said I knew everything about you... What a fat lie!"

"When did I say that?"

"November, when I stayed over at yours."

"Oh. Right." Remus rubbed his cheek, looking almost shy. Sirius immediately realised why and felt his own face get hot. He cleared his throat and put the new record on that Remus had chosen at last.

He only got to enjoy it for a few seconds before a tall, elegant figure in a black fur coat and highly tousled hair appeared. A chill ran through Sirius body. It was as if he was plunged into ice-cold water that numbed his fingers and froze his lungs.

"WHERE IS HE?!" she bellowed across the street. The partygoers stopped their chatter, looking around in confusion.

"Fuck."

"Reg is here too," Remus mumbled, as if Sirius hadn’t already seen his little brother trailing behind her like a frightened puppy on a leash.

"Mrs Black!" Effie called in surprise, stepping towards Walburga, but she stormed past without even a glance.

James was suddenly by Sirius’ side, positioning himself half in front of him. Sirius hadn’t even noticed him leave Lily.

"Sirius, I know you’re here! Hiding won’t do you any good!" Her sharp, fury-filled eyes scanned the crowd. "And someone turn that dreadful noise off!"

Sirius' hand moved to the volume control as if by itself. He turned it all the way up. The music drowned out his mother's angry shouting, drowned out the adults talking to her, drowned out James' attempts to talk to him.

Sirius only had eyes for his brother. Regulus' eyes widened as they locked with his at the stereo. Sirius knew, without a doubt, that he’d told them. Regulus had betrayed him by revealing his whereabouts to their parents.

A sudden wave of disgust swept through his body, overwhelming every sensation with full force. He didn't dare think of the stronger word. He didn't hate his little brother. But was it true if he had to remind himself of it again and again?

Walburga had fought her way through the crowd to him. Someone had turned off the music—probably James or Remus, who stood nearby—leaving an icy silence over the street. 

“What were you thinking,” his mother hissed in a tone as if she was deeply hurt by his actions. “You sneak out during celebrations, even though you know exactly how important this is for your father.”

Sirius's eyes were still fixed on Regulus. He flinched as Walburga snapped, “Look at me! You know perfectly well how crucial it is that everything goes to plan tonight. One misstep and your father could lose the deal!”

Sirius nodded. Like a puppet on his puppeteer's string. They had gone over every detail at breakfast—whom Sirius was to talk to, whom he should complement—so that the Black family would look respectable. In his mind, he had been crafting a plan to slip away unnoticed as quickly as possible. 

“I’m disappointed in you, Sirius,” Walburga said as though he had committed treason. “Why can’t you ever do as you’re told? Why do you always have to make things so difficult for us? We do so much for you, we give you everything! Is it still not enough? Will it ever be enough for you?” 

She spoke with such a wounded tone because, surrounded by neighbours, she couldn’t scream at him. She wanted to guilt-trip him and win the others' sympathy. She had done this several times at all kinds of events.

“I think that’s enough, Mrs Black,” Monty said firmly. “Sirius might not have told you he was celebrating with us today, but—” 

“He sneaked away! We were worried sick! If Regulus hadn’t told us where he was, we might have had to call the police.” She took a shaky breath. “And right in front of our guests. A disgrace, Sirius. You always have to pull all the attention to yourself, always have to be in the spotlight. But not everything’s about you, get that in your head!” 

The street was dead silent. Even Charlotte and Rosie had stopped playing. Every pair of eyes was on the drama unfolding with the Black family.

“You’re coming with us this instant. You’ll apologise to your poor father. He’s standing there like a man who can’t control his own son.” 

Sirius heard Remus murmur quietly, “Well, he can’t.”

“I don’t wanna go back,” Sirius said, a lump in his throat. 

“Let him stay a bit longer to celebrate with his friends,” Monty suggested. “The boy surely didn’t mean to trouble you or your husband.”

“We’d miss his excellent DJ skills,” Richard added with a good-natured wink at Sirius. 

Suddenly, several people were talking at once. Effie said, “At least let him set off the fireworks.” Claire affirmed, “We’ll send him straight home once our kids go to bed!” Hope nodded in agreement, “We have to go in the same direction anyway. We’ll walk him back.” 

Everyone was trying to convince Walburga Black to let Sirius stay, but she wouldn’t hear it.

“As heir, he has responsibilities. And that includes behaving as a proper son in front of potential clients and celebrating New Year’s with the family.” 

“He is celebrating New Year’s with his family!” Effie said resolutely, earning a furious glare from Walburga.

No longer interested in garnering sympathy from the others, Walburga grabbed Sirius’s wrist and yanked him behind her. Sirius struggled to free himself. 

The adults wanted his mother to let him go, but her grip on him only tightened.

“Walburga, this is not the solution,” Monty said sharply, sounding so authoritative that even Walburga Black hesitated for a moment. Sirius seized the opportunity and wrenched his wrist free. He was standing face to face with Regulus.

“You hypocrite,” he hissed. “Can’t you keep your mouth shut just once?”

Regulus looked so stricken that Sirius almost regretted snapping at him. But then Walburga turned to her younger son, gripped his neck, and shoved him forward. At least she had one son who didn’t disappoint her.

His mother was seething with rage, but even she couldn’t stand against an entire village, no matter how intimidating she was. She sneered disdainfully. “You can imagine that your behaviour won’t go without consequences, Sirius. Your father will call the boarding school tomorrow morning to make sure they prepare a bed for you.”

With that, she turned on her heel, pushing Regulus ahead of her as they stormed away. 

Immediately, the crowd stirred. Ollie and Marlene’s brothers whispered behind cupped hands, Vola, Claire, and other parents loudly vented their frustration with Walburga, while Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas rushed to James, bombarding him with questions. Effie and Monty each placed a heavy hand on Sirius’s shoulder, grounding him.

“You just stay here, son. I’ll call Mr Black tomorrow and see what I can do,” Monty said.

Sirius nodded, though he wasn’t sure what he could fix. 

“Don’t worry. If you want to stay at James’s tonight, that’s no problem,” Effie suggested gently.

Sirius shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. That’ll just make her angrier.”

Effie smiled sympathetically. “Alright. Just try to have some fun, okay? Don’t think about it too much. It’s gonna be fine.”

They squeezed him once more, then left him alone. Someone (Sirius guessed it was Remus) had turned the volume back up. Soon enough, the cheerful atmosphere returned, for which Sirius was immensely grateful. Everything needed to feel normal. A normal New Year’s Eve.

When he rejoined his friends, they smiled at him encouragingly. He didn't look too deep into their eyes to find the compassion he was almost certain he would find in them. Lily handed him a drink, James threw a playful arm around his neck and didn’t let go for a long time, Dorcas took over DJ duties, Marlene cracked her best jokes, and Peter recounted his first kiss rather proud of himself. They made Sirius feel normal. He didn’t want to be someone who had to be handled with kid gloves every time his parents were involved. He wanted to be normal.   

Only Remus was missing. When Sirius asked where he was, James explained that he’d gone to get more alcohol. Sirius grinned. The evening would be alright. He’d be alright.

The night was in full swing. It must have been just before midnight, and Sirius was drunk. Remus had managed to sneak another bottle from Lyall’s stash. After downing that, Dorcas—casual as ever—suggested they help themselves to the adults’ booze. None of the parents seemed all too worried watching their kids get progressively drunker which probably had to do with them being all wasted themselves.

Just when Sirius thought he was going to throw up if he smelled one more drop of that deadly acid, it was time for the countdown. Everyone screamed, “HAPPY NEW YEAR,” hugging and kissing each other. Peter was too busy vomiting into a hedge in his front garden while Joanna panicked over him.

The rockets rose into the sky and exploded in colourful bursts, bathing the night in a wild spectacle of sparks and lights that sailed deafeningly through the air. Sirius watched James pull Lily into a hug, her face beaming as they parted. 

After being hugged and kissed by everyone, Sirius and James were called on to take over the fireworks. The fathers stood by, excited like children. Even after half an hour, they were still setting off rockets.

Eventually, the parents were busy rounding up their children and putting them to bed. Rosie and Charlotte ran up and down the street, throwing firecrackers, one of which hit Ollie’s shoe, leading to a furious complaint to Claire. Marlene’s brothers were hiding from their mother, who was rapidly losing patience. Effie giggled and said to Monty, “I’m so glad we’re past all that.”

By 1 a.m., after the little ones had been kissed goodnight and sent to dreamland, the older kids had to head home as well. James tried, in vain, to persuade his parents to let them have a massive XXL pyjama party in the living room, but Effie simply said they’d never get any rest, and she very much needed her sleep.

It took Peter ten minutes to say goodbye to Joanna. He mumbled some numbers, claiming it was his phone number, but Sirius knew that instead of a four after the three, there was a one, and that it had only eleven digits, not fourteen. Joanna reassured Peter that she’d be in Godric’s Hollow the next day and would love to see him again. As Ollie impatiently waited, Peter kissed her goodbye, saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow!”

“How’s he planning on doing that, if he doesn’t even have her number?” Remus muttered with a frown, making Sirius grin.

Disappointed that the XXL pyjama party wasn’t happening, James conceded that at least he could walk Lily home. Petunia and Vernon were already holding hands ahead of them, with James and Lily trailing behind. Even from a distance, Sirius could see that James was on the verge of taking Lily’s hand, only to lose his nerve at the last second.

Marlene was staying at Dorcas’s for the night, as Joanna and Charlotte were sleeping in her room. They told Sirius and Remus on the way home that they planned to take advantage of the empty house to watch Flashdance in the living room, as Dorcas parents were not expected to return home until the early morning hours.

“And if Granny wakes up, she’ll probably want to watch it with us,” Dorcas giggled. They waved goodbye and disappeared into the cosy Meadowes home.

Hope and Lyall, who had gone ahead, were just tiny blurry specks in the distance, too far away to see. As usual, Sirius and Remus were the last ones to part ways. They strolled leisurely through the darkness until they reached the fork in the road, stopping beneath a streetlamp. 

“What did your mum mean earlier when she said your dad would be calling the boarding school tomorrow?” 

Shit. 

Sirius had never mentioned the threats his parents had been making about sending him to an elite boarding school in Bath. He hadn’t thought it worth bringing up—after all, Walburga and Orion had a knack for using empty threats to get him to behave. But now it seemed naïve not to have told his friends.

Avoiding Remus’s eyes in embarrassment, he muttered, “They’ve threatened me with that once.”

Remus’s eyes widened. “When?” 

“November…” 

“Are they serious about it?” 

“Who knows... She sounded pretty convinced today.” 

“Fucking hell, Sirius,” Remus grumbled grimly. “That’s totally messed up.” 

“Yeah, tell me about it.” 

“And what about Regulus? They’ll send him away too?” 

“How am I supposed to know?” Sirius snapped. “I’d prefer if they sent him with me. At least he wouldn’t be left on his own. Although…” He ran a hand over his face. “He’d probably be better off without me. He’s sick of all the lying.” 

“Lying?” 

“He’s always having to defend me to Mother and Father. Well, he used to. Lately, he doesn’t seem to care much if they find out when I mess up.” 

Remus said nothing, though Sirius could tell at the way his expression changed ever so slightly into a worried state that he was thinking hard.

Sirius shrugged, hoping it looked nonchalant. “Anyway, we’ll see what they come up with. Monty said he’d try to sort something out. Whatever that means.” 

“He might be able to get you out.”

Remus didn’t say, “Get you out of them sending you away.” He meant, “Get you out of that house.”

Sirius tried to suppress the flicker of hope that arose at the thought. He knew it was better to stay pessimistic, so it wouldn’t hurt as much if Monty wasn’t able to get him out.

“You know, in a way, it’s all pretty hilarious,” Sirius said quietly, still ignoring the tight feeling in the pit of his stomach. “They give me rules, I break them. They find out, punish me, and make stricter rules, which I break again. It’s like this never-ending cycle. It’ll never change.” 

"At least you know the comfort of habit," Remus muttered deadpan without a hint of humour, making Sirius chuckle briefly. 

“Yeah, suppose I have.” He searched for a less depressing topic. “Anyway, now that Peter’s found Joanna and James has more or less won Lily’s heart over, we should definitely find two girls for ourselves next New Year’s Eve.” 

“What?” Remus looked up, aghast. “Er, thanks, but I think I’ll manage just fine.”

“It’ll get boring when they’re busy snogging, and we’re just standing around looking daft.” 

“You go look for someone. Your oh-so-great looks and above-average confidence should help.” 

“I know you think it’s funny, but I still get the occasional love letter.” 

“Yeah, because they feel sorry for you.” 

Sirius gave Remus a playful knock on the head. “Ha-ha. They’re queuing up for me. You’re just jealous. But don’t worry we’ll find someone for you too.” Sirius almost missed Remus' sceptical look, for the alcohol was still lingering and his vision was somehow blurred and alien. “Hey, what about that Jasmine Harvey girl? Reckon she’s still interested? You’ve had a bit of experience with her, that’s a bonus.” 

“Don’t even start,” Remus warned, rolling his eyes. 

“I’ll take that as a no. Let me think… Aha! What about Clara Mayfield from History? Mary told me she has her eyes on you for some time now.” 

Remus didn’t look thrilled. 

“Alright, not Clara then. How about Anna Smith? You know her? She’s just as obsessed with books as you are. Good to have a common ground, eh? Makes small-talk less awkward.” 

“I’d rather you didn’t try to set me up.” 

“Ah, I see. Anna’s not your type. No worries. How about Aisha Green from your advanced maths class? You once told me you admire her intelligence.” 

Remus remained silent. His face had gone all pale and serious, his body motionless. If Sirius hadn't had so much to drink, he might have realised Remus' tense shoulders or his grim mouth or even the small, almost unnoticeable tear in the corner of his left eye, which disappeared as quickly as it had come when he blinked it away. Unfortunately, Sirius kept talking, the alcohol in his nerves making him bolder and perhaps more ignorant to the reaction of the boy in front of him.

“Not her either?” Sirius scratched his temple. “Blimey. And people say I’m picky. Fine then, we have to do with what we have 'round here. How about Marlene, then? Or Dorcas? Maybe you could get them as a pair, considering how often they’re together.” He grinned, nudging Remus with his elbow. 

“Sirius,” Remus said, his voice strained, “drop it. I don’t think there’s any girl I’d want to kiss on New Year’s.” 

“But I thought you like the idea?” 

“When did I ever say I like the idea?” 

Was Remus angry with him? It certainly felt like it… 

“So, you’re saying… you don’t want—” 

“Yes, Sirius, I don’t want to be with any girl,” Remus cut him off. A moment passed, then: “I’ve got to go. Mum and Dad will wonder where I am.” 

Sirius couldn’t think of a proper response. He felt frozen on the spot.

“I hope everything works out for you. Call me if anything happens. Or no—better call James, he’ll know what to do,” Remus said without looking at him. And then he just walked away. 

Sirius’s mind was racing, a dozen thoughts competing for his attention at once. I don’t want to be with any girl. I don’t want to be with any girl. I don’t want to be with any girl. What the hell did that mean?! Panic began rising inside him, his thoughts swirling in a mess he couldn’t make sense of, his stomach knotting with unease. There could be hundreds of reasons why Remus had said that. It meant nothing, Sirius told himself. And even if it did, what was he hoping for anyway? That was ridiculous. Remus didn’t want to be with any girl because he was focused on his future. Yeah, that was more like him. No distractions. He didn’t want to be with any girl because he didn’t have time for a relationship. Where was he supposed he fit a girlfriend into his tight schedule? He didn’t want to be with any girl because— 

But what if there was another reason? The other reason? Sirius couldn’t even entertain the thought. That was just too far-fetched. He forced himself to shove the chaotic thoughts into a box, lock it up, and bury it deep inside himself, determined not to dwell on it. 

Some things were better left unsaid.

***

1st January 1991

Sirius woke up after only a few hours of sleep to a knock on his bedroom door. His head was pounding. In a foul mood, he climbed out of bed and opened the door.

"You’ll be dressed and ready in the entrance hall in ten minutes. Katy packed your suitcase yesterday." With those words, Walburga spun on her heel, leaving a now wide-awake Sirius standing there.

Chapter Text

“What are you doing?” Sirius called after her.

Walburga didn’t answer, so he followed her out into the hallway.

“What are y—”

“Ten minutes!” was all she replied.

A glance at his wardrobe confirmed that someone had indeed been there in his absence. Katy had taken his finest shirts and trousers, and they were nowhere to be seen. In the bathroom, he noticed his toiletries were missing. Damn it, he really could’ve used a shower. He reeked of sweat and smoke from the New Year’s fireworks. He sprayed himself with deodorant instead—it would have to do.

The whole time he got ready, a knot of tension twisted in his stomach. His entire body was on edge. Despite only a few hours of sleep, he felt wide awake, like he was on high alert.

His mother and father were waiting for him in the staircase. His suitcase sat next to them, like the sentence of an unfair trial. A man with thinning hair in a suit was walking through the front door, silently took the suitcase, and carried it outside.

“What’s he doing with my stuff?” Sirius demanded, hurrying down the stairs.

“Are you ready?” Walburga asked, not bothering to look at him.

“What—”

“Thomas is driving you to Bath,” Walburga interrupted, scribbling something on a document. When she finished, she slipped it into an envelope and handed it to Sirius. “Give this to the office.”

“No.” The world seemed to tilt as the reality of the situation hit him. “Please, no!”

Walburga ignored him. “Your father spoke with the school this morning. You’re lucky they’re taking you in the middle of the year.”

“It pays off to have the proper connections,” Orion added pompously.

“Please,” Sirius begged.

“The secretary shall contact Thomas if there are any issues. He’ll manage it,” Walburga continued, unfazed.

“Please, Mother,” Sirius whispered. He knew how desperate he sounded, how scared. It made him hate himself more than anything. “Please, please, please don’t send me there.”

“Sirius!” Orion barked. “Stop begging—it won’t do you any good now!”

“I’ve told you so many times,” his mother said, her eyes gleaming dangerously, “play with fire, and don’t be surprised when you get burned.”

“You’ve brought this on yourself,” his father said. “Once the boarding school teaches you some discipline, you’ll realise we’re only doing this for your own good. You’ll be able to focus on your GCSEs without distractions.”

Sirius clenched his fists. “I’m not going.”

Walburga tilted her head, giving him a sharp smile. “It’s too bad you don’t have a choice.”

“I hate you,” Sirius said quietly, but no less venomously.

“Thomas is waiting for you.”

“I’m not going!” he shouted, this time with more force.

“It’s rude to keep him wai—”

“I’M. NOT. GOING!”

Orion puffed out his chest. “Yes you will! Stop making a scene!”

“I HATE YOU!” Sirius screamed, with every ounce of strength he found in the haze of his mind. “I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!” His voice cracked, his throat went raw, but he didn’t care. He kept shouting as his parents stood below him, and he retreated up the stairs. “I FUCKING HATE YOU!”

“You don’t have a choice!” Walburga yelled back.

“I’M NOT GOING, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”

“Pull yourself together and get in the car!” Orion roared, his face turning purple.

Sirius reached the top of the stairs, his parents standing a few feet below, glaring up at him.

“You can’t control me!” he cried, panting. “You can’t just send me away!”

“IF YOU WON'T LEARN ANY OTHER WAY!”

Sirius felt trapped. He knew hiding in his room would only buy him a little time. He could jump from his window onto the roof, climb down, and run. But just as he took another step back, he bumped straight into Regulus.

His brother stood there, pale as a sheet, eyes wide with fear. What’s he so scared of? Sirius thought bitterly. Regulus had nothing to worry about. He’d be just fine once Sirius was gone. There’d be nothing standing in his way anymore.

“Mum?” Regulus asked weakly. “What are you going to do with him?”

“We’re sending him to boarding school,” Walburga replied curtly. “Though your brother is making this far more difficult than it needs to be.”

“Why?”

Sirius let out a bitter laugh. “You’re asking why?!”

His heart was still pounding in his chest.

Regulus simply stared at him. Then, in a quiet voice, he said, “At least you’ll be away from here.”

At first, Sirius wanted to shoot back with a sarcastic comment, but then he realised Regulus wasn’t saying it because he was glad to be the sole heir left in the family. He meant that Sirius wouldn’t have to endure this home any longer.

Sirius opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. He might escape his family’s clutches for now, but they would still be in his life, no matter how many miles separated them. It wouldn’t be enough to find peace. Something more drastic, something final, would need to sever the ties.

Gathering all the determination he could muster, Sirius locked eyes with his parents and declared, “I’m not going to Bath.”

“There’s no compromise, Sirius,” Orion said sternly. “As your parents, we have the right to decide for your education. And we’re telling you, you’re going to Bath. There’s no alternative, don’t you get that? You’ve had too much freedom here, too many opportunities for stupidity that will ruin your life. If you stay, you’ll never amount to anything.”

“We’ve given you everything, and still, it’s not enough for you,” Walburga hissed. “Will anything ever satisfy you, you ungrateful, ill-mannered boy?”

Sirius held his breath for a few seconds. He felt helpless, alone, and desperate. There had to be a way out of this nightmare. He wanted nothing more to do with this family. A wave of overwhelming hatred surged through him, and he had to choke back the tears rising in his throat.

Regulus stood right behind him, his eyes asking a question Sirius couldn’t understand.

Deep down, Sirius knew he had no choice but to obey his parents’ command. He was powerless. The situation felt utterly hopeless, and a cold dread washed over him as the last shred of hope slipped away of his reach.

Defeated, he asked, “Can I at least say goodbye to my friends?”

***

Thomas, the chauffeur who was supposed to drive him to Bath, made a stop at the Potters' house first. Sirius hesitated before opening the passenger door and walking through the pretty front garden towards the house. In his head, he searched for the right words to explain that he would now be living somewhere else.

James answered the door when Sirius rang the bell.

The black-haired boy was wearing a grey pyjama set and was clearly in the middle of breakfast, as a piece of cornflake was stuck to his mouth.

"You’ve got something on your mouth," mumbled Sirius in greeting.

"Oh, cheers." James wiped his face with his sleeve. "What did I do to deserve the honour of your early visit?"

"I, er—"

"Hold on, before you say anything, I need to tell you something first," James cut him off with a grin.

"O-kay."

"Lily and I almost kissed yesterday!"

"Wow, seriously?!"

James grinned so wide you could see all his teeth. "Yeah! It happened just after midnight when the fireworks were going off and everyone was wishing each other Happy New Year. We were standing next to each other, and there was definitely a spark between us, I swear!"

"Well, that’s what I call progress, mate."

James nodded eagerly. "Absolutely. I wanted to tell you and the others last night, but... well, things got a bit chaotic, didn’t they? And to be honest, I was pretty smashed by the end of it. So was Lils. Ha!"

"Yeah, I think we were all pissed last night," Sirius laughed awkwardly.

"I just hope Remus doesn’t get into too much trouble with his dad..." James looked genuinely worried about Remus for a moment before shaking it off and asking, "Anyhow, you were saying?"

Sirius pushed a strand of hair out of his face. "I need to talk to you. It’s urgent." He glanced over his shoulder at the car where Thomas was waiting. James followed his gaze.

"Who’s that?"

"My chauffeur."

"Your what?" James let out a short laugh. "Blimey, Padfoot. Why so posh? Is the Black empire getting to your head after all?"

Sirius didn’t take the bait. "Have you spoken to your dad today?"

"Yeah, briefly. He was in the kitchen earlier." James’ tone became a tad more serious. "He said he rang your dad early this morning, tried to talk to him about you. But Orion hung up on him."

"At least he tried..."

"Sirius?"

He swallowed. "I honestly don’t even know how to sugarcoat this shit, so I’ll just get to the point... They’re sending me to boarding school. I never told you about it because I didn’t think they’d actually do it. Thomas is driving me. I asked if I could say goodbye to you, and that’s why I’m here."

James didn’t respond for a few seconds. Then the words rushed out of him: "What the hell?! Have they gone mad?! This can’t be real! What—" He stopped himself and adjusted his glasses, trying to collect his thoughts. "This can’t be the end. Wait here, I’ll get Dad. He’ll sort this out."

"Wait, Prongs." Sirius grabbed his arm. "Trust me, there’s no other way. They’ve made up their minds. I think, in their twisted mind, they actually think they’re doing me a favour."

"Okay, well I think, they’re being completely ridiculous!" James said, his voice rising. He tried to walk off again, but Sirius held him firmly.

"James, please. Your dad can’t fix this. It’s entirely up to them where I go."

“Since when are you like this?!”

“Like what?”

“You’ve never given up your fighting spirit!”

Sirius crossed his arms. "And what exactly do you think I should do?"

"Find a solution to your problem!"

"And what solution would that be?!"

James didn’t hesitate. "Move in with us."

"I can’t," Sirius replied sharply.

"And why not?" James demanded. It was unlike him to be so insistent.

"Because..." Sirius began, but no reasonable argument came to mind. Because he was too much of a burden. He didn’t want to impose on anyone. He wanted someone to take care of him, but feared he could never accept their care without feeling like a fraud.

"Give me one good reason," James pressed.

"It’s too much to ask."

"No, it’s not."

"Your parents would've so much more work..."

"That’s not true. They love you."

"And I don’t want to be someone who needs rescuing, James," Sirius said, surprising himself with his honesty.

James’ expression softened. "That’s not how I see it. But I can tell something’s going on in that house that’s making you push everyone away. And it’s gotten so much worse, lately. You’re not as happy as you used to be." Something in his eyes made Sirius hold his breath; he had never seen his friend so reputable. "I want you out of there, so you never have to go through anything bad again."

Sirius had to press his lips together to keep them from betraying how touched he was. Still, he couldn’t shake the conviction that the decision was final.

"Grimmauld Place is my home, whether I like it or not, and they’re my family, whether I want them or not."

"That’s complete bullshit," James retorted. "You might not be able to choose your family, but you can choose the people who care about you. And Grimmauld Place isn’t your home either." He held Sirius’ gaze firmly. "Now think about it: What do you think a home is? Is it the place you come from or is it somewhere you're loved? And I mean really loved, with all the heart. We want you here, Sirius. You wouldn’t be a burden in any way."

James had hit the nail on the head. With everything he said, he touched every deep-rooted doubt and unravelled them, causing them to gradually fall away from Sirius. He couldn’t say anything that would adequately express what he felt in that moment. Instead, he just nodded,

"Fine."

"Does that mean I’ve convinced you?"

"It means I’m going to try to break out of that bloody boarding school."

A relieved grin spread across James’ face. "That’s the spirit I’ve been missing. How’re you gonna to do it?"

Sirius's mind started to sketch out an initial escape plan. He considered several options, none of which would be easy to pull off. There were many factors to take into account and a hundred things that could go wrong. But it was worth a try.

"I’m not sure yet, but I’ll need your help. And Ollie."

***

Sirius and Thomas reached Bath after an hour's drive. For the first half of the journey, neither of them said a word. Sirius remained silent because he was mentally running through his plan, and Thomas didn’t speak because he apparently wasn’t the type of person who talked much. Eventually, Sirius grew bored and began asking the stranger questions.

“How long have you been working for my father?” 

Thomas stared straight ahead through the windscreen. “It’ll be exactly six years in February.” 

Sirius whistled through his teeth. “Hallelujah! And you’ve seriously put up with that until today? Voluntarily? Wanna tell me your secret?” 

Thomas ignored him. 

“Did my father promise you a bonus if you ignore me the whole time?” 

Again, no answer. 

“Well, I suppose I might as well stop talking then. I’d rather not have a conversation with a wall.” 

After thirty minutes, Thomas suddenly said, “We’re almost there.” 

“Wonderful. I can hardly wait,” Sirius said sarcastically, though his stomach was twisting. He watched the houses passing by. He had only been to Bath a few times before. He had liked the city back then, with its old buildings and lovely parks. Today, however, the pretty surroundings left him cold.

Thomas turned onto a long driveway and stopped the car in front of an imposing building. A few students were wandering outside on the grounds. Most were bundled up in thick scarves and coats. Some of them carried hockey sticks or brown leather bags on their backs. Just from the way they walked, Sirius knew this was a place where money ruled. With a kind of embarrassing awakening, he realised that, due to his background, he belonged in places like this, too. 

“We’re here,” Thomas said, parking the car right in front of the entrance. 

“You don’t say…” Sirius muttered as he got out. 

He retrieved luggage from the boot and insisted on carrying it himself when Thomas offered to take it. 

A blonde woman in a neat pencil skirt and square glasses approached them. 

“Sirius Black, how lovely to welcome you here,” she greeted him with a posh accent, shaking his hand. “My name is Mrs Daugherty. I’m the head of student welfare at this institution. So, remember; whenever you’re feeling troubled, come straight to me!” She laughed a bright, uncomfortable laugh. “Right, I’ll accompany you to the office first so we can sort out a few things.” 

Sirius and Thomas followed her into the building. She led them to the administrative office and brought them, without knocking, into the secretary’s room, where two middle-aged women sat at two desks. 

“Welcome to Kingswood,” one of them said, handing Sirius a form. “Please sign this before Mrs Daugherty shows you to your room.” 

“What’s this?” 

“The school’s code of conduct. If you violate any of the rules, you’ll receive a warning, and in the worst case, you could be expelled.” The woman smiled as if she didn’t expect Sirius to do anything that would get him expelled anytime soon. If only she knew… 

Sirius didn’t bother to read the pile of rules. He pretended to, though. When he returned the signed form to the woman, she said, “Thank you very much. We wish you a successful and educational time here.” 

“You have a lovely room. With a view of the football field. In summer, you can look out over the wide grass areas; it’s wonderful when it’s warm,” Mrs Daugherty chatted on as she guided him through corridors and common rooms. Thomas trailed behind them, not making a sound. Sirius perceived everything as if from a distance, as though he had already experienced the moment and was watching it on television. If he didn’t have a clear idea of how he would escape this place as quickly as possible, he would have been much more nervous. 

“This is you! Here’s your key.” Mrs Daugherty handed him a key so he could unlock the door. Fortunately, his room was a single. It was tiny, with a narrow bed, a wardrobe, and a desk. 

He placed his suitcase on the bed. He wished the two adults would leave him alone now, but that wasn’t going to happen. Mrs Daugherty stayed to go over his timetable with him. Since it was still the holidays, Sirius was meant to use his time to catch up on the topics covered so far. She instructed him on mealtimes and described how to get to the dining hall. She suggested he find someone to show him around. Sirius had no intention of doing that, but he fibbed that he would take a look around right away. 

“Well then, I think that’s all,” Mrs Daugherty finally concluded after what felt like an eternity. “Oh, one more thing. There’s a phone in the common room available for students outside of class. You can call home and let your parents know you’ve arrived safely.” 

She had no idea that his parents wouldn’t give two shits. 

Once Mrs Daugherty had left, Thomas said, “Mr Black has asked me to inform you that leaving the school grounds is strictly forbidden.” 

“I can’t remember reading that in the school regulations

“That’s a request from your father.” 

“And by ‘request’, you mean ‘order’.” 

“If you don’t comply, he'll personally come and discuss with the headmaster what punishment you’ll face.” 

“Fucking hell,” Sirius muttered, annoyed. “Fine. Please tell my father he doesn’t need to bother coming to see me in person, as much as I enjoy his company. I have no intention of breaking any rules.” 

Thomas blinked. “Very well. I’ll be leaving now.” 

“Have a nice day.” 

“Should I pass on any messages to your parents?” 

Sirius smirked. “Yes, tell them I’ll miss them.” 

Thomas hesitated for a second. He wasn’t stupid. He must have heard about the fierce argument between him and his parents. For a moment, it seemed like he thought Sirius was just messing with him. But then he nodded in agreement. 

“I wish you a pleasant stay,” he said. 

“And I wish you a happy life!” 

***

Sirius waited until midnight to use the phone in the common room. 

It took a while before James finally picked up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hiya, Prongs, it’s me, Padfoot.” 

“Ah, good. I was beginning to worry you don’t have a phone you could use.” 

“Thank God there’s one in the common room. Saved me from breaking into the secretary’s office.” 

“Well, that makes things boring,” James chuckled. 

“You think it’s boring to steal a car in the middle of the night, drive here, and illegally break me out of school?” 

“Not at all, Padfoot, not at all. That’s what I’ve dreamed of my whole life.” 

“How’s it going with you lot?” Sirius asked, unable to completely suppress the hint of worry in his voice. 

“We’re all good so far,” James reported. “Ollie was a tough nut to crack, but he managed to steal Richard’s keys. He’s already in the car. Pete and Remus are still getting tools to break the gate.” 

“There’s no gate.” 

“No?” 

“Nah, you can just walk in. But it’s best to leave the car in front of the driveway. Don’t drive in so we can get away faster.” 

“Alright,” James said. “But that really does make things a bit boring.” 

Sirius laughed softly. “Who knows, maybe there are some guard dogs I don’t know about.” 

Just then he could hear voices on the other line, whispering excitedly as they got closer. 

“We’ve got a crowbar!” That had to be Peter. 

“We don’t need it,” James explained. “There’s no gate.” 

“No gate?” came Peter’s disappointed voice faintly from the background. 

“Nope. Just possibly a few dogs.” 

“Or a guard!” Sirius added. 

“Or a guard…” James echoed. 

“We’ll just deal with him when it comes to that.” That had to be Remus. 

“Goodness, I didn’t know Moony could be so violent,” Sirius grinned. He thought he heard a noise for a moment, but it was just the tap dripping. 

“We’re all pretty excited,” James said. “Right, I think we have everything. We’re better heading off now.” 

Sirius’s heart began to race. “See you in an hour, then.” 

“Mission ‘Rescue Padfoot’ can begin!” James announced ceremoniously. 

Sirius hung up and shuffled back to his room. An odd feeling weighed on him as he sat on the narrow bed and stared out of the window. It was a mix of tension, relief, and anticipation, but also something else; something that felt like suppressed sadness. Perhaps it wasn’t sadness at all, but rather a profound gratitude for his friends, and a bitter acknowledgement that he was leaving someone behind he loved very much. 

He hadn’t been able to say a proper goodbye to Regulus; there had been no time. Walburga had twitched her eye— it was obvious that everything within her had resisted allowing Sirius to bid farewell to his friends. She had pushed him towards the door, calling after him to behave himself. Orion had insisted that he shouldn’t tarnish the family name.

In four days, Regulus would turn fifteen. He’d be spending his birthday alone for the first time of his life.

Sirius shook his head to dispel any thoughts of his little brother. Regulus was his past—a part of his history—nothing more. He needed to look ahead and put an end to it; otherwise, he’d never stop asking himself what if… There might be a hundred parallel universes in which he and Regulus had it easier, but that was irrelevant. Only this one mattered, and it couldn’t be changed anymore.

After an hour, he grabbed his suitcase (which he hadn’t even unpacked) and left the room. He left the key in the lock. Afterwards he crept down the stairs as quietly as possible towards the hall. He wanted to exit through the front door, the same one they had come in through that afternoon but was dismayed to find it locked.

“Fuck,” he breathed. He looked around the dimly lit entrance area. There had to be a way out. He tried another door—no luck. The door leading to a small outdoor area with benches wouldn’t budge either.

Sirius was getting increasingly panicked. There was no way their plan was failing because of a locked door! If necessary, Remus would have to break it down with the crowbar, but how was he supposed to let the boys know?

A clattering noise nearby made him jump. Was that a guard? He quickly retreated into the stairwell. Instead of going up the stairs to his room, he hurried down into the basement. The noise—definitely footsteps! —was getting closer. Sirius’s heart raced faster. If he didn’t find a way out in time and they caught him down here outside of curfew, the first reprimand would surely follow.

Without paying attention to where he was going, he shoved a door open with all his strength and stumbled into a dark storage room. He managed to slam the door just in time as he heard a deep male voice call out:

“Oi, you bloody kids! If you’re wandering around out here, you get a week of detention!”

Sirius feared the man would check the storage room, but then a loud and ugly crash came from above, and he heard the man cursing as he ran upstairs to investigate.

This was Sirius’s chance. He followed the man at a safe distance and hid behind a pillar. From there, he could see the guard angrily unlocking the door and rushing outside. Sure enough, thousands of shattered pieces of glass lay on the ground. The guard barely took a second of his time to notice the damage.

“Don’t move, you spoiled little brats!” he yelled at someone Sirius couldn’t see. Without hesitating, he clutched his suitcase tightly and sprinted out after the guard onto the grounds.

“You damned little pests, I said don’t move!”

Now Sirius could see the two boys who were driving the man nuts. He burst out laughing as James and Remus ran a few metres ahead of the guard.

“Oh come on, sir, we’re just having fun!” James called, grinning widely.

“Really lovely building you’ve got there,” Remus chimed in, pretending to stop so the guard could catch him, only to deftly dart away at the last second. “Pity you’ve got such an ugly dent in your lovely wooden door now.”

Sirius caught up with the three. The guard’s jaw dropped in confusion.

“You three are gonna get a warning for this,” he panted, jogging only half-heartedly after them. “And your rich parents ain’t be able to do shit about it!”

“That’s really unfortunate because we don’t care at all,” James called over his shoulder. “Because we’re not even going to this school!”

Laughing and panting, they dashed from the driveway onto the street, turning the corner into a quiet side street where Richard Pettigrew’s silver Golf was parked.

“Start the engine!” James ordered frantically, waving his hands wildly. He yanked open the rear left door and flung himself into the seat on the far right. Sirius was next and swung himself into the middle, with Remus slamming the door shut behind him.

Chaos erupted instantly.

“Come on,” Sirius urged, “Hurry up!”

“Drive, drive, drive!” James cried as he searched for the seat belt somewhere near Sirius’s butt.

“Don’t rush me!” Ollie snapped, agitated, trying again and again to get the engine running.

“Didn’t we agree that you’d keep the engine running? For this very reason?” James was still fiddling with his seatbelt, prompting Sirius to lift his butt.

“Yeah, but you took so long, and the car’s nearly out of fuel,” Peter explained nervously.

“For heaven's sake…” James murmured.

Finally, the car roared to life with a howl. The four Marauders cheered triumphantly. Ollie sped off with screeching tires and immediately ran over a red traffic light. But it didn’t matter; the street was empty; the city was already asleep. Only they disturbed the quiet with their loudness and broad, unshakeable grins. James hollered that Ollie was a legend, Peter rolled down the window and cheered, while Ollie shouted at them to let him drive in peace. Peter had had to promise his older brother that he would take on all household chores for the next three months.

Sirius felt exhilarated. Rarely had he felt so drunk with victory as he did at that moment. He thought he could achieve anything in life.

While Peter and Ollie bickered over the map in front of them and James tried to calm them down, Sirius turned to Remus and winked at him, laughing. He could read the triumph and exhilaration on Remus's face. He found it in his tousled hair, his wide-awake eyes, his flushed cheeks. He looked a little different than usual, a little more robust and alive, like he was high on drugs. He looked good, Sirius suddenly realised with a tingling sensation all over his body that he quickly put down to the adrenaline. They looked eyes and there was a moment when something exchanged between them; something unspoken, something of the energetic kind that makes you dizzy. The moment passed when James leaned over to Sirius, announcing cheerfully:

“We’ve got you now, mate!”

***

2nd January 1991

Sirius slept together with Remus and Peter in James' room that night. Before secretly getting ready for bed, they had parked Richard's car back in the garage with Ollie, thanked Peter's older brother and then trolled through the night like the kings they were.

Sirius felt no fear or concern that anything would go wrong. At least not as far as the Blacks were concerned. He was, however, a little worried about how the adults would react the next day.

The four of them didn't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning and woke in the late afternoon when Effie came into the room with a laundry basket and paused, startled, at the sight of three boys laying in sleeping bags on the floor.

“Did I miss something?” she asked in astonishment. Then she spotted Sirius. “What on earth are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Bath-” She fell silent, and Sirius knew she understood. “Oh God... How?”

The Marauders spent the next hour confessing to her the events of the previous night. At first, they took great care to make it clear to her that they were in no danger at any time and left out a detail or two (for example, that they were almost caught by the guard). Effie sat patiently and listened. She even asked questions:

“Where did you get the car?”

“Richard.”

“He lent it to you?!”

“No,” James replied, caught off guard. “We didn't ask.”

Effie took a deep breath, as if weighing up how to respond. “Who was driving?”

“Ollie.”

“At least someone with a licence...”

At the end of their story, she seemed surprisingly composed. Yes, Sirius would even go so far as to say he could recognise a hint of pride in her expression. She finished her tea.

“I'll set up your new room for you, Sirius. The guest room next to James' is hardly ever used anyway.” She touched his cheek, a soft smile forming on her face. “Welcome home.”

***

Sirius visited Grimmauld Place one last time on a Sunday evening in January.

In hindsight, he couldn't say what motivated him to return to this haunted house, but in a fleeting second, he felt the urge to see it again. You could say he wanted to finish the job.

He didn't knock, just stepped through the open kitchen door. He found his parents in the living room.

All three of them began arguing, of course. Sirius couldn't tell what they were arguing about. The curtain of anger hung in front of his mind, making it difficult for him to think clearly. He could feel the disappointment - it hung thick and charged in every dark corner of the room. Sirius screamed and his parents yelled. He stormed off to his room, his parents throwing one insult after another at him. They said he'd let them down, dragging the Black name through the mud. They wanted nothing more to do with him. He should never show his face ever again.

At some point, Regulus came to him. Nervous and pale as if he was ill. Sirius wanted to grab him and begged him to wake up and fight back. But of course, Regulus wouldn't hear of it.

Now they stood there, Sirius with his packed belongings and Regulus, not knowing what to say.

And then Sirius left. For the last time.

Chapter Text

Regulus Black was a loner - always had been and probably would be for the rest of his life. He had no friends. He saw the people he spent school with as those whose presence he tolerated rather than those with whom he shared a deep connection. They didn't know him, and he was glad of that. He found it exceedingly annoying when someone knew more about him than he wanted and understood better than others - especially his brother - that keeping a low profile was the safest option to get through everything around you.

He didn't crave friends, and he definitely didn't want to be part of this ridiculous friendship between his brother and the other kids in the village. It was even more than that; he almost felt sorry for them. The way he saw it, they were all losers in a way, because they only had each other and nothing else. What would happen if this small group was torn apart and what would be left? Eight lonely people with a common past that was no longer important because they were on their own now.

No, Regulus wasn't fooling himself. Being alone was a blessing. It meant that he was free to make his own decisions and didn't have to worry about anyone. He could live his life without the constant burden that came from people he cared about suffer. Without anyone else's suffering, he could concentrate completely on himself and how he was feeling, blocking out everything unimportant around him. Because honestly, what good had anyone ever done for him that he felt obliged to treat them kindly?

If you want to understand Regulus, he still thinks today, you have to understand the circumstances in which he grew up. More than anything, it's a story about brotherhood, and it's never an easy story to tell. He tries to tell it through the lens of a third party - an impassive spectator - to create as much distance as possible between the present and the past.

Two brothers, with the same raven-black hair and the same high cheekbones, lived with their mother and father in what they thought was a house haunted by ghosts. Their childhood was characterised by a stern hand, by angry looks, by sharpness and sourness and rules and punishments. No matter where you searched - in every crack in the floorboards - you looked in vain for affection and love. But although the brothers didn’t have loving parents, they could always reassure themselves with the knowledge that they did not have to live through their fate alone.

Years and endless hours passed before the older brother turned away one day and left the younger one behind, leaving him to fend for himself from then on.

No matter how hard he tried to look at the events through his older brother's eyes, the younger brother never fully understood the reasons behind his actions. No matter how often he tried to organise the events of that time differently in his mind, more gently and less painfully, he ended up at a dead end. Even today, he cannot find a realistic way in which things could have turned out differently. They were just little boys, not full-grown men who had lived enough to get away from this cold time without a scar. They only ever knew the colourless walls of the house, where fear and caution were everyday companions.

One brother, the older one, got tired of being afraid one day and began to rebel in a fearless way. Quietly at first; he didn't finish his meal, because full means full, mum! He slept longer than was allowed because it was Sunday but they still had to comply with their parents' requests, but I'm so tired Father, let me sleep a little longer; they broke into their father's study because he was on a business trip and their mother was busy in the library, and the older brother turned to the younger one, who was still lingering hesitantly on the doorstep, and the older one whispered to him: come on, Reg, he won't find out.

No matter how reckless the older brother became and tried to pull the younger one along, the latter never gave in and was never really able to behave like his big brother - for fear of what would happen.

He had understood long ago and much better that the art of putting up with it was to adapt to the family structures. Over time, he turned into the obedient son, a master of adaptability, an evader of punishment.

While the older brother once again ignored his parents' instructions by fleeing boarding school, the younger brother hid in the darkest shadows of the house and watched events from afar. The older one came back after betraying his parents. A big mistake. The younger one saw the discussion escalate, saw chairs fly to the floor, saw a stormy and furious disappearance on the creaking stairs.

And when the quiet brother went to check on his raging brother later, he was sitting slumped on his bed, his shoulders hanging like a wet sack and his raven-black hair like a curtain in front of his eyes. Why, Reg, why don't you do something? Why don't you ever fight back? Can't you see that what they're doing to us is wrong? How... how can you just sit there and watch them rob you of everything alive? But that, Regulus thought, had always been his problem; in this twisted nightmare, he remained without a body, powerless.

Sirius continued: You can't possibly be okay with this. You don't want to be part of this family. Tell me you're still fighting them, in your own subtle and quiet way, but please don't tell me you've given up. That was when his shoulders had started to shake, his voice dangerously thin and shaky, his eyes full of pleading hope. And that was when Regulus realised, really realised for the first time, how different they both were - the Black brothers. Sirius was a fighter, perhaps by nature, or perhaps just because of the circumstances he had grown up in.

What was certain, however, was the fact that Sirius would not back down and would always look for a way to get where he wanted to go. And his destination was clear; it was a place away from here.

As Regulus looked at Sirius in the shimmering light, this young suffering figure, he didn't know at all whether he himself had ever started to fight back against his parents or whether he had been too cowardly to do so from the very beginning. He had never had the self-confident demeanour, the big mouth or the strength of his brother that ultimately helped him to fight back.

Secretly, Regulus hoped, Sirius must know that too. Without these qualities, how would he ever manage to escape this place?

He hadn't realised it at the time - or he hadn't wanted to realise it - at least Regulus wasn't aware of the extent of this argument with his parents. What followed was the following: a long silence between them, a defeated shake of Sirius' head, a sniffle, a blank but accepting look, as if Sirius had come to a decision.

They looked into each other's eyes. I'm sorry, Sirius, Regulus would have liked to say, but it was bad enough knowing he was a coward, he didn't want to flaunt it.

Instead, Sirius stood up from the bed, suddenly no longer the broken boy of a few seconds ago, but a boy with a firm resolve.

I'm packing, he said, I'm leaving. For good. I'm so fucking sick of it. You know Reg, just because they brought me into this life doesn't mean I owe them anything. He was frantically picking up random clothes, books and other items from the floor, opened the wardrobe, rummaged out a travelling bag, stuffed the things inside and paused. He looked at Regulus with nothing but truth in his eyes. You can come with me if you w- But Regulus had already interrupted him. For some reason, the suggestion offended him. He didn't think he deserved an escape, he hadn't been brave enough yet. That's stupid. Where should I even go? he asked and at the same second he knew how Sirius would answer. Come with me to James. The Potters'll find a way. It doesn't matter whether you come or not. But I'm going. I'm going tonight and I'm not coming back. Is that clear?

It wasn't clear. Nothing was clear. Didn't Sirius realise that Regulus couldn't come with him because he had never proved himself worthy? He was nothing more than a despondent servant who would follow his corrupt king anywhere. And along came Sirius, on his high horse, a shining rebel in silver armour. Sirius had always known how to fight back, but Regulus had never been able to follow him and perhaps that was why Sirius had always had to do the fighting for them both.

Who was Regulus anyway without his companion, his fellow member of this bleak nightmare? Who would he be when the other was gone?

In the end, he never relinquished the role of the impassive spectator; he watched as Sirius finished packing, rushed past him and ran carefully down the stairs so they wouldn't creak. He watched from a safe distance from the landing as Sirius paused before opening the front door and looking up at Regulus one last time. The older brother, the protector, and the younger brother, the one left behind.

Sirius left. Of course he did. Sirius always did what he said he would, heedless of the mess he would leave behind. That night, Regulus Black was that mess, and he didn't know if he could ever be someone who could forgive Sirius Black for leaving again.

***

5th January 1991

Since Sirius had left, the house felt empty. It had been quiet before—despite the servants going about their duties in the long hallways and many rooms—but now, an almost eerie silence filled the air. More than once, Regulus thought he might as well be the only person left in the world. Was there even any life beyond these walls? The outside world felt so distant, as if he hadn’t seen it in decades.

The first few days after Sirius fled from school had likely been the most heated Regulus had ever experienced. His parents were furious—oh, so furious. They simmered with insults and pure disbelief that their son could do such a thing to them. Not a single dinner passed without a parade of curses hurled at his brother. They felt betrayed. In their eyes, Sirius' actions were a personal affront to their efforts to steer him onto the "right path."

For two long hours, they discussed how to break the news to the family. In the end, they decided to tell them that Sirius was suffering from a mental illness, one that clouded his judgment and made him incapable of rational thought. They tried to frame his behaviour as a result of deep-rooted wickedness, rather than a failure of their upbringing.

Once all that was dealt with—removing Sirius' name from the list of heirs and fabricating an explanation for his disappearance to the relatives—Regulus’ parents turned their full attention to him.

Regulus Black, second son and successor to the Black legacy.

It seemed like simply by being there, he managed to soothe their doubts and worries about the future of their empire. It doesn’t matter that one son betrayed us; we still have another. Regulus had never thought of it that way before, but now it felt exactly like that—he was the replacement.

For more than a year now, his father had given him more attention than in all his childhood combined. On Regulus’ fourteenth birthday, Orion had pulled him aside for a talk in his impressive study.

“You’re nearly a man now,” his father had said, and Regulus had felt both proud and nervous, like he was being tested, afraid he might make a terrible mistake.

“I know I can rely on you. The family is important to you, isn’t it?”

Regulus had nodded firmly.

“Good. The Blacks are the most important thing in your life. Them and the power plant. They’re everything—and more than that, do you understand?”

Regulus had nodded again. His father had looked him square in the eyes. Regulus had never been able to hold his father’s gaze for long, but this time he had forced himself to, determined not to look away. He was not a child anymore. He was nearly a man.

“You mustn’t disappoint me, Regulus. Your mother and I do so much for you—and for your brother. You know that. Your brother... well, I’m not sure he’s always appreciated it. He doesn’t understand that without us, he’s a nobody. But you, Regulus—you’re smarter than him. Much cleverer. Too clever to resist our wishes. That’s why you’re so important to us. You’re loyal.”

You’re loyal.

Those three words split Regulus in two. Loyal to whom? A younger, much more frightened version of himself would have answered that he was loyal to his older brother. He and Sirius had only survived their childhood as a unit - they would never have made it far as loners.

But that unity had long been crumbling. It was dissolving, painfully and slowly. The trust was gone. The closeness was separated by a chasm. A unity that had become two lonely fragments—fragments that now moved on their own.

Regulus had distanced himself from his brother, or perhaps it was the other way around. For a while, he thought he’d go on living as a solitary boy—left in peace, alone. But his parents kept him on a tighter leash than ever. They took him to meetings, introduced him to business partners, showed him around the power plant. They were grooming him for their business empire, when all he really wanted was to break free from their grasp and... be left alone.

“You’re loyal” were the most catastrophic words Regulus had ever heard. They tore him apart inside. How could he be loyal to his parents when his very first act of loyalty was not for them, but for his brother? For so many years. There were times when Regulus thought his loyalty to Sirius would last for eternity. He had thought that even as old men, it would bind them together, it would outlive them both—and find a resting place in whatever came after death.

But then, everything had turned out so differently from what he’d imagined.

The only companion Regulus had during these lonely times was his journal, in which he wrote about his day every evening. Some might call it a diary, but he preferred to think of it as his Written-Self: everything he had ever thought, experienced, or felt was captured in his finest handwriting. It was as if he ripped out his heart, soul, and mind and filled them with words. He’d go mad if he kept everything locked inside.

He was just finishing writing the last words when Katy came knocking on his door, calling him for dinner.

With an empty heart, Regulus stowed the journal in the lockable drawer. With an empty heart, he padded down the stairs. With an empty heart, he sat down at the far too large table in the far too large room in the midst of the far too great silence that lingered over them like oppressive heaviness for the entire appetiser and only broke during break for the main course. Orion was still chewing when he said,

“We need to talk, son.”

Regulus glanced at his father for the briefest moment, then fixed his gaze on the burning fire behind him.

“Now that Sirius’ name has been successfully struck from the family tree and he no longer has any claim to our legacy, we officially declare you the new heir of the Black Empire. May your loyalty and sharp mind keep the power plant strong for generations to come. I trust you won’t disappoint us.”

For a fleeting second, Regulus looked at his mother, who raised her wine glass in celebration. Her eyes were filled with pride, her lips curled in delight. Regulus shifted his focus to the sideboard behind her, where a white marble statue stood. Please, let me be that statue, Regulus thought. He wished to be an inanimate object, incapable of thought or action.

He mustered the will to speak. “Thanks, Father. I won’t let you down.”

“That’s good to hear,” Orion replied, satisfied. “This spring, we’re planning an internship for you at my office. We think it’s best if you start learning about the power plant and the staff early. You need to know how everything works. Earn their respect now, and you won’t have problems later.”

“You’ll do wonderfully,” Walburga chimed in with a smile. The flickering firelight made her eyebrows look as though they were contorting into a sinister expression.

“Better than Sirius, no doubt,” Orion barked a laugh, raising his glass. Walburga chuckled too,

“That’s hardly difficult to do. That boy’s a lost cause. He’s always brought disgrace upon our family. We’re well rid of him, aren’t we?” She winked at her husband, both nodding to each other as though they had achieved something grand.

Regulus sat like a stone in his seat, waiting for the food to arrive. Whoever would serve the meal was like a lighthouse in the otherwise chilling darkness—those few seconds in which the servant filled their plates reminded Regulus that there were other people in the world besides him, his mother, and his father. He needed to see those people with his own eyes — Yes, he and his parents weren’t the only people on the planet; there were still others out there, good people who made the world a better place.

After dinner, his parents invited him for a glass of wine in the library, where they always wound down the evening. But Regulus made an excuse about needing to do homework and hurried back to his room.

It was nearly pitch black, with only the candles casting faint light on the wooden floor. Cautiously, he stepped forward and stood in front of the wall mirror, so that he could see his reflection in the dim candlelight. He saw his pale, paper-white face, his colourless eyes, his raven-black hair. And once again, his face seemed like a mask that he put on every morning before breakfast and didn’t take off until he was alone in his room at night. And yet, his expression never seemed to change. His shoulders were narrow and drooping, his back hunched and slack.

How was someone like him ever supposed to become someone like his father? He would have to transform into an entirely new person to succeed in a position of power.

Embarrassed, he wondered: should he even recognise the boy staring back at him so blankly? Where had the boy he once was disappeared to? When had this substitute taken his place?

He closed his eyes and thought back to his childhood, to the happy days with his brother when they used to catch frogs by the stream, only to release them in the end, despite wanting to take them home. Letting them go was a lesson Sirius had taught Regulus early on.

“No power in the world gives you the right to trap a living creature in your hands, no matter how small it is,” his older brother had said when Regulus hesitated to throw the frog back into the stream.

Later, on the walk home, Sirius had tried to comfort him, promising they’d take the bus into town the next day to visit animals at the shelter. Regulus couldn’t remember if they ever went—he had been so young at the time.

Now, in the dark silence, it seemed almost impossible that they had once embodied that unity, those brothers who would’ve walked through fire for each other. Even more impossible to Regulus was the thought that he had once been someone else — someone who was worth trying to comfort.

How much of those children still lived within them? How much of their hearts had already been torn away, and when would the limit be reached? When would Regulus become nothing more than an empty shell walking the earth?

In a way, he was both coffin and corpse: some nights, he felt more like an object than a person, emotionless and unmoving. On other nights, he felt more like a dead man than a living one, unconscious and rigid, like an old man who had lived a thousand lives and grown weary of it all.

Today had been his fifteenth birthday. He had not celebrated. His parents had hosted a dinner in his honour. They had announced him as the heir, thinking they were doing him a favour.

Regulus was fifteen and missed himself and the brother he used to have more than anything in the world.

***

The coming years would see Regulus live under the relentless weight of his family’s overwhelming expectations. They would be his constant companions, never leaving him in peace. With each step of his teenage years and the early days of adulthood, he’d always question whether his choices would meet his parents' approval. Slowly but surely, he’d begin to forget what it felt like to move through life unburdened by these expectations.

He’d never stop feeling like an intruder in this world or a stranger everywhere he went. He’d never cease wishing for someone he could confide in, someone who, unlike his book, would offer him answers that helped.

Some days, he held hope in his palms as though it were something that could burn his skin, and yet he found nowhere to set it down. It ached almost so deeply that he wished he’d never grasped it at all.

Years would pass before Regulus was finally able break free from his family’s hold and make choices of his own. Now, as an adult, he’s found his way in life. There are only few problems he can’t manage. He has friends he can trust with his innermost thoughts. It isn’t always easy but compared to his fifteen-year-old self, he’s doing well—better than his younger self could have ever dreamed.

But such growth takes a long, long time, and first, Regulus would feel like the loneliest person in the world, every day, every second, with each breath he took.

He couldn’t quite describe it, but there was this feeling when he watched other people going through life, that he himself hadn’t really lived yet. Or rather, hadn’t lived enough to significantly change someone else’s life.

People around him were always in communication with others. They had conversations—happily so—they laughed together, told each other stories, made plans to go shopping, went for walks, experienced things together.

When Regulus found himself in such a crowd, he feared that if he ever opened his mouth to speak, he’d never be able to stop screaming. There was something inside him, something ugly and useless, gnawing away at him.

There was a sadness within him that no one would ever be able to pull out. It couldn’t be defeated. Of course, he felt other emotions too, like joy, hope, or contentment. But at his core, he was, through and through, a sad person.

And he was alone. Well, not exactly. That wasn’t quite right.

He was lonely. He was lonely because he pushed away every person he had ever met, afraid they might hurt him in some way.

And the one person he hadn’t been able to push away, who had been with him all his life, who knew him inside out, had abandoned him as though there was nothing special about him at all.

So, the next time someone accused him of being cold and distant, he’d ask them how they imagined living a life of constant sorrow. How would they live in a world where bravery wasn’t enough if it couldn’t conquer the final boss?

How had things got so bad? Surely, at some point, even he must have experienced something joyful and kind that had softened his core. Why didn’t memories help in a hopeless situation? Why was he so lonely that he sometimes felt as though loneliness were his birthright, just as some people seemed destined to live a fulfilled life?

Chapter Text

January 1991

Sirius would later remember the entire month of January as follows: 

Monty, spending hours on the phone with his lawyer in his study. 

Effie, helping Sirius set up his new room. 

James, excitedly talking about all the things they could do now that Sirius lived with them. 

“We can stay up late watching TV at mine when Mum sends us to bed. She never notices. And we have to set up your music system, and you can listen to it as loud as you want! Oh, and we have to get you your own mug…” 

Amid the exciting, loud moments where Sirius and James fully embraced living together by staying up until late, blasting music, or playing football in the garden despite the cold, there were quieter, more personal moments too. They’d sit on Sirius’ bed, swapping football cards, or laughing over James’ latest plan to kiss Lily, or playing a game of chess, which Sirius almost always lost—but he didn’t mind. He was just so content.

James made a great effort to make Sirius feel like he’d always been part of his family. When school started again, it was only natural for him that they both walked to the bus together and did their homework in the kitchen. Before long, Sirius got used to this new daily routine, and soon enough, dinners and TV evenings with Effie and Monty Potter felt like the most normal thing in the world.

James never said the word aloud, but Sirius could feel that they were both thinking it: Brothers, brothers, brothers. 

In those early days, thoughts of Regulus and Grimmauld Place still crossed Sirius’ mind often. Sometimes he felt guilty, but the feeling soon faded. He finally realised he’d made the right decision. The ghosts of his first home were pushed aside. He had to look forward. 

At sixteen, Sirius no longer needed a legal guardian, but Effie and Monty insisted on going through with the adoption process. 

The following months were uncertain, filled with numerous phone calls. Walburga and Orion were furious. They demanded their son return home immediately, but Monty threatened to contact social services and report them for child abuse. 

After that, they went quiet for a while. 

(It took nearly a year for the adoption process, with all its checks to be fully completed. Monty was in constant contact with Walburga and Orion’s lawyers, who eventually, after much back and forth, agreed to the adoption. In May, Sirius received a letter addressed to him, officially declaring that he had been disinherited and removed from the family will. For a brief moment, Sirius was shocked, but then he shrugged and tore the letter apart.) 

Looking back, Sirius knows just how lucky he was. The Potters weren’t the only ones who supported him during that time. The whole village checked in on him regularly, asking how he was and if they could do anything to help. Sirius was deeply moved by their kindness. 

Even Richard didn’t stay mad at the boys for stealing his car. He said that sometimes you had to take risks to get ahead in life. Sirius couldn’t agree more.

***

14th February 1991

"Hey, do you think Lils’ll like a handmade card?" 

"Probably..." 

"Are you saying that because you really do think so or just to get rid of me?" 

"Yeah, yeah, James, sounds like a good idea..." 

"Oh, come off it," James said, pulling Sirius’s headphones off. 

"Oi! Quit it!" Sirius complained, reaching for the headphones that James held just out of his grasp. 

"Ever since you got these, you’ve been impossible to talk to." 

"What is it?" 

James showed him the Valentine’s card he had apparently made for Lily. It was candy-pink, decorated with dried lily petals. In neat blue handwriting, it read: Happy Valentine's Day!

"Pretty," commented Sirius. "Did you have help?" 

"Is it that obvious?" James asked, scratching under his eye sheepishly. "If you must know, Marls helped me dry the petals." 

Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Marls?!" 

"She said she’s got experience with that sort of thing." 

"Right... well, it seems to have worked." 

"She made a card herself, too, by the way. But she wouldn’t tell me who it’s for." James wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, though they were barely visible under his fringe, only managing to push his glasses askew. 

"Does she even know any other boys besides us?" 

James shrugged. "She knows the guys from my team, but she once said she can’t stand them ‘cause they’re sore losers." 

"Then it must be Remus." 

"Remus?" 

"Well, who else? You’re obviously into Lils, Pete’s with Joanna, and I... Well, she could give the card to me for all we know..." 

Sirius was thinking about whether Marlene had ever shown signs of fancying him. He couldn’t think of a single instance. It had to be Remus. After all, the two of them were in the same study group and spent loads of time together, especially with GCSEs coming up. 

"You’re not compatible at all, though," James said, wrinkling his nose. 

"Don’t you sound absolutely thrilled by this idea," Sirius joked. 

"I just can’t see you two together, that’s all. Marls isn’t even your type, is she?" 

"Nah, not really. I mean, she’s great, but she’s not exactly my dream girl." 

James tilted his head. "What is your type anyway?" 

Oh God. Sirius caught himself quickly making up some nonsense because he didn’t have an answer to that question off the top of his head,

"Er, someone like Mary, I suppose." 

James grinned knowingly. "Ah, I remember when you were all over her in Year 8." 

"Yeah, but that was ages ago," Sirius quickly clarified. "And it only lasted a few weeks – mostly hormones talking." 

James laughed. "You Casanova. Anything still going on with that Britta bird from Germany?" 

"Huh?" Sirius had no idea who Britta was, but then it clicked. Britta had been an exchange student who had been head over heels for him in Year 9. He’d had to promise to call her regularly when she left before the summer holidays. He cringed with guilt as he realised he hadn’t called her once – or even thought about her – since then. In his defence, nothing had ever actually happened between them, despite what she might’ve imagined…

"Nah, that’s ancient history," Sirius dodged. 

James put his right hand on his hip. 

"You and the girls..." he sighed. "If you keep this up, you’ll end up as a lonely single, not a tragic ladies' man." 

"Moony doesn’t have a girlfriend either!" Sirius protested, but James didn’t bite. Instead, he tucked the card into his shirt pocket and patted it, 

"I’m off to give this to Lily. Planning to take her to that new café." 

"Scandalous. Don’t do anything stupid!" Sirius called after him as he left the room. 

"I won’t! I’ve got a feeling—today’s the day!" 

***

When Mary dropped by later that day, Sirius probed her about whether she knew anything about Marlene's secret crush.

“Marlene sent someone a Valentine’s card?” Mary asked, surprised. She was lying beside him on his new bed, which was big enough for two, flipping through a fashion magazine.

“James said so.”

“Hmm,” Mary furrowed her brow thoughtfully. “She’s never mentioned anyone... Although—” She sat up. “It could be that she sent a letter to Ethan, that new guy at school.”

“Who?”

“Ethan. Don’t know him that well yet. I just know he’s new and that a few girls have taken an interest in him. Marlene included. And Dorcas too.”

“Oh God.”

“Yeah. Tell me about it.”

“They both fancy the same guy?!”

Mary nodded slowly. “Apparently. I just hope it doesn’t lead to any drama…”

Sirius pictured it vividly: Marlene and Dorcas, best friends, both crushing on the same boy. It seemed inevitable that a fight would break out sooner or later. No matter who ended up with Ethan, their friendship would likely suffer some cracks.

“That’s all you know?” Sirius was surprised that Mary—self-proclaimed gossip queen—had so little information.

“You know how they are. They’re not exactly open about their love lives... Dorcas is so laid-back, it’s hard to tell if she’s into someone, but I did catch her checking Ethan out once. And Marlene might be the most secretive of us, but I know she thinks he’s nice because he helped carry her books once.”

“When was that?”

“Just before New Year’s.”

“I don’t notice anything ever…”

“No, you don’t, honey.” Mary got up, went to his CD shelf, picked one, and pressed play. Sirius hadn’t gotten his record player back from Walburga, but Effie and Monty had bought him a new CD player as a welcome gift.

Mary chose Prince.

“How come you’re not with Tom today?” Sirius asked.

She grimaced. “Tom’s in London with his family, watching a game.”

“Didn’t fancy going?”

“He didn’t ask me.”

“What a prick.”

“Hey! Don’t talk about my boyfriend like that.”

Sirius shrugged. “Still, not exactly gentleman of him.”

Mary lay back down next to him on the bed, sighing. “Yeah, I’m right mad I tell you that. I’ll manage with him tomorrow.”

“I’d watch out if I were him.”

She pinched his shoulder. “Anyway, how’s it going with the Potters?”

“Oh, not too bad.”

“What’s it like living with James?”

“Awful. He’s an early bird and asks me to go jogging with him every morning.”

“Sounds like my personal hell.”

“It is my personal hell.”

“And how come you’re hanging out with me on Valentine’s Day?” Mary asked, focused on her fashion magazine. “No girl you want to spend the day with?”

Sirius groaned. “Nah, but I did get at least five invitations from girls asking if I’d like to go to the movies.”

“Ah yes, I’ve heard Viv and Lacy talking about it. No one caught your interest?”

Sirius felt hot, so he stretched to open the window. “I’m not really into dating at the moment.”

Mary raised her eyebrows. “Just like Remus… I set him up on a date with Clara Mayfield, but he didn’t seem too thrilled when I told him about it.”

“Why not?”

“Dunno. It can’t be because of Clara; she’s a nice enough girl. I know he likes her, but not in that way, I suppose.”

Sirius’ heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Remus had said on New Year’s Eve:

I don’t want to be with any girl.

Sirius had tried not to dwell on it, but those words kept creeping back into his mind, messing with him; making him stay up at night, searching for answers.

“Did he go on the date with her?” he asked as casually as he could.

“Did you not hear a word I just said, you idiot? Remus wasn’t thrilled that I set it up behind his back. He was annoyed he had to deal with it. I think he called her and cancelled.”

“Cancelled?”

Mary raised an eyebrow at him. Something about her look made Sirius feel uneasy, and he quickly averted his eyes.

“Yeah, I think so,” she said slowly, tilting her head. “Wait a minute. Are you into Clara?”

“What? No! Why’d you think that?”

“You seem tense. Like you’re jealous.”

“I’m not jealous.”

“Yeah, sure. You do like Clara. Remus isn’t into her, so go for it.”

“I don’t like Clara!” Sirius snapped. Mary just rolled her eyes.

“Honey, you really need to work on your anger issues. Just because you’re shouting doesn’t make me believe you.”

Sirius swallowed his rising anger. He wasn’t mad at Mary; he was mad at Remus for confusing him so much. He tried to sound convincing as he stated, “I’m not jealous, Mary.”

She looked at him with her dark eyes, then nodded. “Okay. I believe you. But it’s something else, isn’t it?”

Sirius felt a wave of fear. Did she know something about him, something he hadn’t quite figured out yet himself? His whole body tensed, and he didn’t dare move, worried that any gesture might give him away.

Mary’s eyes seemed to search his, as if she were looking for that final puzzle piece to solve the mystery. Sirius held her gaze, and in a moment of defiance, he lifted his chin slightly, thinking: And even if it is, then what?

Mary understood. Her mouth formed a small, perfect “O.”

“Sirius, are you trying to tell me that—”

“I’m not trying to tell you anything,” he quickly interrupted, maybe a little too quickly.

Mary wasn’t deterred. She frowned. “Yes, you are.”

Sirius felt like the world was about to cave in on him. He shook his head. “There’s nothing. I don’t like Clara, and I’m not jealous.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Drop it, Mary. Don’t you have to see Dorcas about your hair?”

“Not until seven. I’ve got plenty of time.”

“Great…”

Mary crossed her legs, her magazine forgotten. “You know you can talk to me.”

“There’s nothing I want to talk about,” he snapped.

“Oh, come on, Sirius. So what if you’re having a few homoerotic feelings for one of your male friends? What’s the big deal?”

Sirius felt a cold shiver run down his neck. “Have you gone mad?! That’s disgusting!” The word slipped out before he could stop it, and he regretted it instantly.

Mary wrinkled her nose. “Wow, Sirius. Didn’t have you down as a homophobe.”

“That’s not what I meant…” he mumbled, heart pounding. Damn Mary and her fearlessness when it came to speaking her mind.

“I don’t care what you meant. You don’t say stuff like that.”

Sirius felt awful. “I know. I’m sorry…”

“Look, it’s none of my business, and I won’t just assume anything, but it’s clear something’s bothering you. You should talk to someone.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing to talk about.”

Mary looked like she wanted to say more but held back, biting her lip as if deciding whether to push further. “Alright. If you say so.”

They lapsed into silence, and Sirius focused on calming the panic that still gnawed at him. Mary returned to her magazine, and Prince’s rhythmic beats felt oddly out of place.

He wasn’t jealous—what nonsense. Mary was just stirring up drama because she was mad at Tom and bored. Sirius felt confused and tense and tried hard not to let his thoughts drift back to the boy who was causing all this turmoil. Instead, he focused on the wallpaper in his new room and wondered if he should hang up some posters of Cindy Crawford or those other models the boys in his class were so obsessed with. Maybe then he’d seem more like a typical, hormone-driven teenage boy.

“Oh my God, look at this hat!” Mary suddenly squealed, snapping Sirius out of his thoughts. “It’s hideous! Who even wears that?!” She shoved a picture of a ridiculous neon hat in his face. Sirius eagerly seized the opportunity to switch topics, and the next hour passed with them laughing at absurd fashion choices.

Before she left at seven to go to Dorcas’ to get her hair braided, Mary paused in the doorway, saying sincerely, “You know we make fun of people sometimes, but we’d never actually judge anyone. You know that, don’t you?”

Sirius nodded. Yes, he knew.

***

15 February 1991

The next day at school, the rumour that Marlene had written a love letter to someone and the excitement about a mysterious love letter addressed to Dorcas went hand in hand.

Dorcas approached the other seven during first break, waving an envelope in the air,

“Found this in my bag.” 

Lily let out a high-pitched, excited squeal. “Ohh, who’s it from?” 

Dorcas shrugged. “Dunno, there’s no name on it.” 

“Let me see.” Mary snatched the envelope from her hand. Dorcas didn’t seem bothered by it. She was completely unfazed and stood beside Marlene with her typical inscrutable expression. 

“That’s definitely a boy’s handwriting.” 

“Really?” said Lily, reading the letter over Mary’s shoulder. 

“I’m just saying. It’s pretty terrible handwriting. No girl writes like that.” 

“Let me have a look.” Sirius grabbed the letter from Mary’s hand. There wasn’t much written inside, just a poem: 

Sometimes I think 

Our heads might be enclosed 

Closer together upon the pillow's space, 

And how into the dark deeps of your eyes 

I'd look and think of angels. Then your breath 

And all the aura of your body's breathing 

Intoxicatedly would overwhelm me 

And I would die. For it is too much 

That such a thing should be and I should live. 

Surely the thought is greater than reality, 

The sum of you and love outsteps infinity.

“Sounds like something Shakespeare would write…” 

“Dumbass, it is Shakespeare,” Lily said, shaking her head. 

“Oh.” 

“You don’t know who could’ve given this to you?” James asked. 

Dorcas shook her head. “Nope, absolutely no idea.” 

“It’s clearly from Ethan. I heard him talking about you with his friends. That’s super romantic,” Mary gushed. Then she raised an judging eyebrow. “But honestly, it’s a bit much. No one gives you a poem like this if they hardly know you.” 

Sirius’s eyes flicked to Marlene, who was staring at the floor, looking embarrassed. Poor thing… She seemed disappointed. No wonder. Ethan had chosen her best friend. Remus touched her arm, causing her to look up at him. They silently exchanged a brief conversation that Sirius would have loved to understand. Marlene leaned slightly closer to Remus, and a strange, dull flutter lingered in Sirius’s stomach. 

“Oh, Ethan’s nice, he lets me copy in History!” Peter piped up. 

“Is he on the football team?” James scratched his chin, seemingly trying to remember if he knew the boy. 

“No,” Mary replied. “But he’s in English with McGonagall. And you have PE together on Thursdays.” 

“Do you happen to know where he lives?” Lily joked about Mary’s stalker tendencies just as James asked in surprise, “How come we’ve never seen this bloke?!” 

“We bunk off too often,” Sirius yawned. 

“Yeah, probably…” 

“And I do happen to know where he lives.” Mary smiled smugly. “I did a bit of digging. His folk lives in Dornfield, right by the park.” 

“Brilliant, how about we go visit him?” Sirius suggested sarcastically, but Mary didn’t seem to think it was a bad idea at all.

“If Cas is up for it, I’d be happy to visit with her after school.” 

“We don’t even know if it was actually him,” Remus reminded everyone. 

“Yeah, true. It could’ve been someone else.” James reasoned. “One of us perhaps?” he added casually, but his not-so-discreet glance at Remus was so obvious that Sirius could only laugh while Mary and Lily widened their eyes in surprise. 

“You?!” 

Remus groaned. “No, not me. Get a grip. Sorry, Cas,” he added sheepishly. 

“Oh, right,” the two girls said simultaneously, exchanging a glance. 

Peter nervously fidgeted with his fringe as he quickly clarified, “I didn’t write you anything! I sent Joanna a card though; she was so happy and wants to visit me this weekend!” 

“How lovely of you, Pete,” Dorcas smiled. 

“Well, I didn’t take any lovely lady out this Valentine’s Day either,” Sirius said, shrugging. 

“What about you, Loverboy?” Mary teased James, who automatically glanced at Lily. Lily turned red. 

“Right, so we’ve established it wasn’t any of us,” Lily said. A gust of wind blew a loose strand of hair through the air, which James tucked behind her ear in a natural gesture. Lily tried not to let on that she noticed. “You don’t know anyone else it could’ve been, Cas?” 

Dorcas thought for a second. “Nah. And to be honest, I don’t wanna think about it anymore. Marls, do you fancy going to the shops with me later for that cake we wanna bake tomorrow?” 

Marlene cringed slightly. “Um, sorry, I know I promised, but I need to help my mum with something.” 

“Oh, okay.” 

There was a brief moment where the air felt uncomfortably charged. Marlene cleared her throat, 

“I’ll just head in; I better finish my English homework.” 

She hurried past them. 

“We don’t even have English homework,” Peter wondered. Then he panicked: “Or do we?!” 

“Calm your tits, Pete. She’s probably just wanting to study,” Sirius said, irritated. 

“Speaking of studying, I better go to the library and see if they have that book I need,” Remus mumbled, following Marlene. 

Sirius watched them both with a queasy feeling. Was something going on between them? At least it seemed to him that their interactions had recently changed; it was as if they shared a deep familiarity that hadn’t been there a few weeks ago. But why was Marlene evidently upset about the recent occurrences with Ethan and that love letter? 

The others seemed oblivious. Only Dorcas was looking thoughtfully towards the entrance, where Remus had caught up with Marlene. It was difficult to read any emotion from her when she was so calm and inscrutable. Nothing in her expression revealed any emotion. However, her eyes spoke volumes: she was worried too.

***

28th February 1991

Two weeks after Valentine’s Day and Dorcas’s mysterious love letter, Sirius had almost forgotten about all the excitement. 

Dorcas had decided not to investigate further, so the others also chose to let it rest. Only Mary kept her ears open, hoping to figure out if the letter had indeed come from Ethan, though she refused to ask him directly—according to her, that would make things far too easy. 

Sirius strongly suspected that Mary was so keen on a potential romance between Ethan and Dorcas because her own relationship with Tom wasn’t going smoothly at the moment. One day, she had asked James to explain the basics of football to her so she could talk to Tom about his favourite subject. James had launched into an almost two-hour-long lesson, though Mary didn’t seem particularly interested. Sirius appreciated that she was at least making an effort. 

Marlene and Dorcas had acted a bit odd for days after the incident in the schoolyard. Or rather, it was Marlene who had been a bit short and seemed to avoid the other girl. She was spending a lot of time with Remus, either during breaks or after school—it had become rare to find one without the other. 

Not that it bothered Sirius. What did bother him however was the fact that, just like during summer, he hardly saw Remus anymore. Since Christmas holidays, Remus had started helping out at a cheap takeaway in town. Marlene visited him there often. One day, when Sirius and James dropped by, she was sitting at the narrow counter doing her homework while Remus served customers. That same evening, Sirius lay awake for a long time, wondering what else the two might get up to when they were alone. Did they laugh a lot? Remus had a very sharp, witty sense of humour that often came out so unexpectedly it was able to leave one speechless, only for one to be doubled over with laughter a second later. 

Sirius figured it was only a matter of time before his friends started dating. It seemed almost inevitable when boys and girls were close friends and spent so much time together they practically saw each other every day. Obviously, there were James and Lily, who had been edging towards something more than friendship for a few weeks now. Sirius had to congratulate his best mate. If someone had told him two years ago that Lily Evans would lower her defences, Sirius would have just laughed. 

Sirius himself had had a brief crush on Mary two or three years ago, but it had lasted barely a month and only because puberty had put him in a state of sexual frustration that kept him awake at night until he finally found a way to relieve it (yes, that way—why hadn’t he started sooner, anyway?). 

Peter, at age twelve, had once had a crush on Dorcas, but even that one-sided affection had been short-lived. Despite his feelings, Peter had always been a bit scared of her and would never have dared to tell her. 

And now? Now it seemed to be Remus and Marlene, who were turning an innocent friendship into something romantic. Sirius should’ve seen it coming. 

By the end of February, things seemed to return back to normal: Sirius was settling into his new home more and more, James and Lily were more or less together (they were making it unnecessarily complicated, in Sirius’s opinion), Mary and Tom were arguing, Peter was calling Joanna every day, Remus was working, and Marlene and Dorcas were almost back to their old selves. 

At least, that’s how it was until that fateful Thursday, when Dorcas announced during a poker game in the Potters' living room that she was going on a date with no other than Ethan himself.

“He wants to go to the movies.”

Marlene’s face immediately darkened. 

“Aww, that’s so cute!” Mary said cheerfully. “What movie are you gonna watch?” 

“He let me choose, so Edward Scissorhands.” 

“Ohh, we’re watching that one too!” James said, meaning himself and Lily, who was sitting next to him on the sofa. 

“Your first date? How sweet,” Sirius teased. The two exchanged a quick glance. 

James sheepishly admitted, “We’ve had a few, actually...” 

“A few?” 

“About three?” 

“Four, if you count Valentine’s Day,” Lily said, her cheeks pink. James spun around to face her, 

“That was a date?!” 

“Well... Yes?” 

“Oh right. Four then.” 

Sirius rubbed his forehead. “Blimey, Prongs. Why didn’t you say anything? You’re usually so keen to share…” 

“Because I asked him not to,” Lily mumbled. “I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.” 

“Wait a minute. Are you two finally making it official?” Mary asked eagerly, waiting for their reactions. Lily and James both nodded. 

“I guess you can all know now,” James said, beaming as he placed Lily’s hand on the table and covered it with his own. “Lils and I are together.” 

“Ahh! Finally!” Mary threw her arms up in celebration. 

“Congrats, mate,” Sirius said with a grin, giving James a pat on the back. 

“You weren’t officially a couple before?” Peter asked, looking confused. Lily laughed, 

“Well, sort of. No one knew, though. Except for Remus.” 

Sirius’s eyes widened in surprise. “You knew before me?! James!” 

“I knew from Lils,” Remus said, shrugging. 

“Since when?” 

Remus smirked. “Since Valentine’s Day. She drove me nuts for days before because she didn’t know if she should get James a gift.” 

Lily grimaced apologetically. “Sorry for bothering you so much.” 

“Why didn’t you ask me?” Mary demanded. 

“You’d have told me to declare my undying love for him!” 

“That’s not true.” Mary crossed her arms, pretending to be offended. “I would’ve told you to promise him he could deflower you.” 

There was a collective gasp. Then Sirius burst out laughing as Lily’s jaw dropped in shock and James looked as though he wanted to apologise to Mr and Mrs Evans for something he hadn’t even done. 

“You are one shameless woman,” Dorcas voiced what everyone else in the room was thinking. 

Mary puckered her lips in a mock kiss. “Someone has to.” 

“Anyway, back to what we were talking about,” Lily said, shaking herself to regain her composure. “You and Ethan are going to the cinema?” 

“Yeah, on Saturday. You?” 

“Saturday.” 

“Hey, how about a double date?” Mary suggested, fully in her element. 

“A double date?” Dorcas asked sceptically. 

“Yeah, Cassie, never heard of it? All the cool adults do it. You meet up for dinner first, then go to the cinema together. Sounds good, right? You won’t be so nervous with Lils and James there.” 

“I’m not nervous,” Dorcas said, and anyone would be foolish not to believe her. 

“Alright, but it’d still be fun.” 

Dorcas shrugged. “I don’t mind. If it’s fine with you, I’ll ask Ethan if he’s up for a double date.” 

“Sounds good,” Lily said. 

“Yeah, I like Ethan, he’s a decent enough lad,” James added. 

Mary leaned back, satisfied. Her work here was done. 

“Another round?” Peter asked as he began shuffling the cards. 

“I don’t know…” Marlene mumbled. She looked very pale. “I’m not really feeling it. I think I’ll head home.” 

“Already?” Dorcas asked, glancing at the clock. “It’s only eight.” 

“Yeah, but I’ve got loads of homework.” 

“We finished that ages ago.” 

Marlene furrowed her brows, worrying. “I’m not feeling well. I think I’ve caught a cold.” 

“Poor thing, you do look a bit under the weather,” Lily said sympathetically. “You’d better get an early night.” 

“I’ll get you some sage. Mum says they’re good for colds,” Dorcas offered, standing up.

"It’s fine, Cas," Marlene muttered, glancing helplessly at Remus. "I just need some rest. Goodnight." 

She grabbed her bag and waved tiredly as she left. 

Lily watched her leave thoughtfully. "She was so quiet the whole time. Is something wrong with her?" 

"Stress with her parents," Remus replied shortly. 

Dorcas perked up, interested. "Oh? What's going on with them?" 

"I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to say..." 

A subtle disbelief flickered across Dorcas’ face, as though she couldn’t quite grasp that Marlene would hide something from her. But she respected her best friend's privacy and left it at that. 

"So, another round?" Peter asked, waving the deck of cards. 

"I'm going for a smoke," Remus said. 

Sirius thought quickly. "I'll come with you." 

Outside, in the Potters' front garden, they sat on a bench under the window. It was chilly, and Sirius had regretfully left his leather jacket inside. Remus held out his pre-rolled cigarettes for Sirius to take one. He really needed to get his own supply. 

"Got a lighter?" 

Remus rummaged through his pockets. 

"Here." He handed Sirius a silver Zippo with an engraved design featuring intertwined letters H and L in a fancy script. Sirius ran his thumb over the delicate etchings. 

"H and L?" 

"Hope and Lyall." 

"Or Hope Lupin, depending on how you look at it." 

"Right." 

Remus waited for Sirius to light his cigarette before lighting his own. 

"Did you nick it from your mum?" 

"From my dad," Remus said, exhaling smoke. "Mum once gave it to him for his birthday, but he prefers those cheap ones from the petrol station." 

"How's your dad doing, anyway?" 

"He's alright, I guess. Got a job at Marcus' garage. Marcus owed him a favour." 

"Good for him," Sirius said, remembering how happy Lyall had been talking to people on New Year's Eve, and how content Hope had seemed nestled beside him. 

Remus took a drag of his cigarette, looking unsure of how to feel about it all, so he said nothing more. 

Sirius’ thoughts drifted back to the others inside, still playing poker for sweets. 

"How did Cas find out it was Ethan who wrote the letter anyway?" 

"What makes you think it was Ethan?" 

"Well, she's going on a date with him. They must've talked..." 

Remus shook his head with a faint smile, taking another drag. 

"What?" 

Just then, Marlene came walking towards them. In the dim moonlight, her pale skin almost looked silver, but her cheeks were tinged pink as if she’d been running. 

"Oh, hey, you. I left my—ah, cheers." 

She had come back for her jacket, which Remus had thoughtfully brought out for her. He asked, 

"Everything alright?" 

Marlene glanced at Sirius. "Yeah, all good. Just this cold…" 

Remus nodded in understanding, blowing out a puff of smoke. 

Once again, Sirius had that unpleasant feeling that Remus and Marlene were sharing some secret, as if they were undercover agents exchanging a silent code to exclude him. He tried to ignore the flare of jealousy. 

"Are you sure you're fine?" Sirius asked, genuinely concerned. "Look, I know you like Ethan. Mary told me. But you’ve got to know it’s not about you that he’s going out with Cas. Don’t let it get to you—you’ll find someone better." 

Marlene looked like she was on the verge of tears—the exact opposite of what Sirius had intended. She raised a hand to her eyes, trying to hide it, and sniffed. Sirius looked at Remus in silent panic, wondering if he'd said something wrong, but Remus simply kept his head down. 

Marlene pulled herself together. "Thanks, Sirius. Don’t worry about me. See you at school." She slipped on her jacket and walked off without another word. 

Sirius sighed. "Poor her. I mean, I’m happy for Cas, but honestly, when I get my hands on that Ethan fella, I swear—" 

Remus snorted. 

"What?! You think I can’t handle him?" 

"No need to waste your energy on him," Remus said, stubbing out his cigarette on the pavement. "Marl’s not upset because of Ethan." 

"But she's so jealous!" 

Remus sighed and looked at him with a somewhat sad expression, like he pitied him. "It’s pretty obvious who wrote Dorcas that letter." 

Sirius angrily tossed his cigarette to the ground. He was getting tired of being the one left out of the loop. 

"Oh yeah? And who is it?!" 

Remus didn’t answer, but Sirius saw his eyes dart toward Marlene, who was walking alone down the street. 

And then it hit him. He swallowed hard. Marlene?! Marlene had written Dorcas that letter? She wasn’t into Remus or Ethan at all… 

"Marl’s in love with Dorcas?! But that’s… that’s …" he stammered, struggling to organise his thoughts. He could feel Remus watching him, waiting. "How?!" 

"'How'?" Remus scoffed. "Do I have to explain to you how our brain chemistry works when someone falls for someone else?" 

"No, it's just—" He fell silent, at a loss for words. "I mean… does Dorcas know?" 

Remus’ expression hardened instantly. "No. And Sirius, I swear to God, if you dare say a word to her, I—" 

"I won’t say anything!" Sirius promised hastily. "It’s none of my business." 

"Good. Because it’s different with them," Remus said, running a hand through his hair. "You understand why, don’t you?" 

Sirius thought he might have to shout for Remus to realise he absolutely did understand. Of course he understood! 

"Bloody hell, Moony, I’m not stupid," he said grimly, standing up, unable to sit still any longer, and began pacing with his heart pounding. "How did you find out? I mean, are you sure?" 

"She told me. Sort of." 

"And why are you telling me?!" 

"I didn’t tell you anything!" 

"Yes, you did! You might not have said it outright, but you made it completely obvious! Why, huh?" 

Remus hesitated for a moment. A moment long enough for Sirius to realise that he had done it on purpose. 

He didn’t have time to decode Remus' hesitation. His mind was racing with countless scenarios of how this could all play out. Few of them looked promising. He wasn’t sure if Dorcas felt the same way as Marlene, he didn’t know if Marlene ever intended to act on her feelings (though, with that letter, she already had), and he wasn’t sure if their friendship would survive if the truth ever came out. 

Although his mind was spinning with thoughts of Marlene, he was most troubled by what Remus thought of it all. Remus was sitting on the bench, his head turned away from him, deep in thought.

Sirius paused. His friend wasn’t disgusted or repelled by Marlene’s feelings for her best female friend. Marlene had trusted Remus enough to confide in him about her crush, and he had kept her secret. This fact comforted Sirius immensely. He sat back down on the bench. 

"What do we do now?" 

Remus’ eyes flicked to him in surprise. "You’re okay with Marlene being a lesbian?" 

Lesbian. Sirius processed the word. He’d heard it plenty of times and knew what it meant, but he’d never imagined it would hit so close to home. 

"She’s still Marls. Whether she’s a lesbian or not. Did she come out to you?" 

Remus nodded. "After Christmas break." 

"How did it go?" 

"Coming out? It was… emotional, I guess, for her. She was waiting at the bus stop. I think she was planning to go to London or something. I was waiting for the bus too, because I had to fill in for Theodore. I asked what she was doing in London, but she wasn’t really sure. Something had happened at school that upset her." 

Remus paused, but Sirius gestured for him to continue. 

"Well, she started crying. The bus came, but she wanted to walk instead, so I told Gerald to leave without us. We ended up going to the old oak. And then she just couldn’t stop talking." 

"What did she say?" 

"That she felt terrible because she didn’t feel right. That she was always trying to be someone she wasn’t. That she was tired of pretending she didn’t love… well, differently." 

Something stirred inside Sirius, a restlessness that crept into his heart and settled there with all of its heaviness. It took him a few breaths to realise that it didn’t feel strange or suffocating, but rather like a comforting hand wrapping around his heart, whispering: You know this feeling.

"What did you say to her?" he asked in a hoarse voice. 

"That she didn’t need to be afraid. We’re here for her, that’s what I said. It calmed her down. She told me a lot about herself and her experience, not so much about how she feels about Cas. I figured that part out on my own." 

"Goodness, I feel so blind... I was convinced Marlene was upset because she liked Ethan or… yeah whatever…" 

"A classic communication failure," Remus joked. Sirius let out a short laugh, then something occurred to him. 

"Isn’t she going to be mad you told me?" 

"Nah, she’ll probably be relieved. She wants people to know this about her. She’s not ashamed of her sexuality, she made that very clear. She’s just a bit hesitant to talk about it openly." Remus smirked. "It’s kind of funny, actually, because Marlene thinks some of you must’ve figured it out by now. She’s impatient that you’re still in the dark." 

"Well, you don’t exactly jump to that conclusion!" 

"Don’t beat yourself up." Remus pulled out two cigarettes and offered one to Sirius. 

As they sat on the bench—each lost in their own thoughts—Sirius had only one thing on his mind: he needed to talk to Marlene. He had a thousand questions, and maybe she’d be willing to answer some of them. The only question was whether he’d ever muster the courage to approach her.

Chapter Text

10th March 1991

After their cinema double date, Dorcas went out with Ethan twice more before declaring she'd decided he was a decent bloke with whom she didn’t feel bored. 

When Lily suggested her choice of words was a bit harsh, Dorcas explained she had high standards because of her parents. 

"And I don't go out with any fella walking down my nose." 

This was clearly a little jab at Mary. 

For context: she and Tom had broken up for good after a few turbulent weeks. Mary thought Tom was too fixated on his favourite team and didn’t appreciate her efforts to show interest in his hobbies. 

After she ended things and word of their breakup spread around school, boys were practically queuing up to date her. Mary wasn't just very pretty; she was also charismatic, funny, charming, and quick-witted. In other words, time spent with her was almost always good fun. And everyone was keen to make the most of it. She started leading her admirers out to the cinema or restaurants and soon found herself enjoying all the attention. 

"I had no idea how amazing it feels to be desired by so many different boys!" she said, slightly tipsy, at Remus’s sixteenth birthday party. "Those seven months with Tom totally held me back. I'm too young to be in a serious relationship!" 

Dorcas raised an eyebrow, a small gesture that Mary didn’t miss. 

"Oh, I know, Cassie. You and Ethan are bound to have a lovely time. You’re so cute together. Thick as thieves, you two. But as for me, I’m done with relationship stuff for now." 

She raised her glass in a toast. It sloshed over, spilling some of the contents onto her lap. 

"To wild love, which I simply can’t get enough of!" 

Marlene, also a bit tipsy, cheered in agreement: "Hear, hear, to wild love!" 

"Ohhh, and to the birthday boy, the man of the hour: Remus motherfucking Lupin!" 

"To Moonyyyy!" chorused James and Lily.

Sirius staggered over to them and threw his arms around their shoulders. "Where isss Moony anyway?" 

"Off fetching more booze," Peter slurred, taking a sip of his beer. "I think?"

"Can’t have him miss his own birthday!" 

"It’s exactly midnight," Mary informed, pouting her red lips. "Oh no, he’s missed his own birthday!" 

To be honest, Sirius had already forgotten why Remus had gone back into the house. It felt like an eternity since he'd left them. 

"He’s been gone a while now—do you reckon he’s run into some hot girl randomly wandering around?" James wondered aloud. His breath smelled strongly of alcohol. He swayed back and forth, pulling Sirius and Lily along with him until they nearly stumbled. 

Sirius kept them from toppling by tightening his grip around his two friends. Lily giggled, clearly out of it. "Jamsie, you silly thing, no one’s wandering about Godric’s Hollow at midnight!" 

Sirius’s uncontrolled laughter made them sway again. 

"Shame, really, Moons would deserve some," James chuckled, righting them. 

"The heartthrob Moony Moons Lupin!" Sirius slurred with a grin. "Oh my God, Moony Moons Lupin! That’s hilarious!" He and James laughed so hard they couldn’t stay upright, stumbling over their own feet and falling in slow motion. Sirius landed on James’s side, and Lily just managed to stay upright at the last second. 

"You’ve had too much to drink," Dorcas observed, amused. 

"Oi, no way, only those two muppets!" Lily protested, standing up straight to prove she was the sober one. 

"Lilyyyyy, my little Lillieeee, my lovely Lillieeee," sang James, still pinned to the ground by Sirius. His glasses were askew on his nose and his expression was that of a lovesick idiot. Lily rolled her eyes but smiled so widely that she gave herself away. 

"Ooh, Lils is in loooove," Sirius teased. James tried to get up, but Sirius found it too comfortable to let him. 

"Shut it, or you’ll be sorry!" Lily pointed a finger at him. 

"Aw, dear Lily actually wants to hurt poor Sirius, folks!" 

"Poor Sirius is about to get his arm broken if he doesn’t let go of me!" James muttered, shoving Sirius off so he tumbled onto the hard ground. 

"Oopsie," he chuckled. James pounced on him with full force, and they began to wrestle. 

"Hey, where’s Marls?" Peter asked. James let go of Sirius and looked around,

"She was just with us..." 

"She needed the loo," Mary said in a sing-song voice, wrapping an arm around Dorcas. "So, how’re things going with you and Ethan? Have you snogged yet? Rumour has it he’s sooo into you!" 

Dorcas groaned. "How about we save that conversation for when you’re sober?" 

"Iamtotallysober," Mary swore, though she hiccupped immediately after. 

"I’ll head to the loo as well," Dorcas announced, freeing herself from Mary’s grasp. 

"Uhhh, I know what’s going on here!" Peter shouted; his cheeks flushed. "They’re switching shifts: Marls is being replaced." 

"Replaced from what?" James slurred, adjusting his glasses. 

"From snogging Remus." 

Dorcas threw James’s shoe—which he’d lost at some point during the night—straight at Peter, who dodged just a bit too late. 

"Oi, you witch!" 

"Better if I were a witch because I’d curse you to silence for the next ten hours," Dorcas shot back, eyes blazing. 

Sirius wasn’t sure if he should laugh. But since he was drunk, he did anyway. "Ohooo, she got you good, Wormy!" 

Peter rubbed the spot on his arm where she’d hit him. "I didn’t mean it like that…." 

"Forget it, Peter. Save your apology till I’ve calmed down." She climbed down the ladder. 

Peter looked mortified. "I really didn’t mean it like that, sorry. I didn’t think…." 

James put on a sympathetic expression. "Say a proper apology, and you’ll will be fine." 

"Sometimes she scares me a bit," Peter admitted meekly. "She can be so mean." 

"She’s a badass," Mary giggled. "Gotta love that about her." 

"Yeah," Lily sighed, smiling. 

After ten minutes, neither Marlene, Dorcas, nor Remus had returned. Sirius decided to go look for them and let the others know he’d be right back. 

"If you’re in the kitchen, grab some cloths," James requested, who had finally put his shoe back on. "Mary meant well with that toast."

First, Sirius searched the garden. It was pitch-black, so he wasn’t able to see anything anyway. He kept calling out their names, one by one, but got no answer. He moved his search indoors, starting in the living room and kitchen, then heading upstairs to the second floor, where his and James’s rooms were. He could hear muffled voices. And a sound of someone crying, uncontrollably.

“Why’s it so bad tonight? You’ve been talking with her these past few weeks just fine.”

No answer, just a sniffle.

“Erm, try not to let it get to you too much. It’ll pass, surely.”

Sirius turned the corner and saw Remus talking to a rather tearful Marlene. She was facing away from Sirius, but Remus noticed him immediately and waved him over. On the floor, some more alcohol and a pair of socks lay scattered. At the sight, Sirius remembered why Remus had come inside: James had lost a bet and had to take off his shoe, only to step in some beer that Peter had spilt seconds before.

Now Remus stood there, a bit awkward, in front of a very drunk and distressed Marlene. She tried to speak, but another heavy sob escaped her.

“I j-just don’t kn-know how to bear it, Remus,” she cried, burying her face in her hands. “W-when she goes on about that Ethan, and I just have to sit there like an idiot, pretending I’m not totally in love with her.” Another painful sob wracked her body, her shoulders trembling. Sirius felt a pang of distress, seeing his friend in such a state.

Remus hesitated, then gently touched her shoulder.

“Come on, Marls, try to calm down, at least a little.” But Marlene either couldn’t or wouldn’t. She held a hand up over her eyes, as if not wanting anyone to see her cry, even in her unsteady state. “Look, Sirius is here,” Remus added gently, attempting to distract her.

Reluctantly, Sirius stepped closer, placing a hand between her shoulder blades.

“Hey, Marls, what’s going on?” he asked quietly, exchanging a glance with Remus, looking as clueless as he felt. “Shall we get the girls?”

“N-no, please don’t,” she hiccupped, finally lowering her hand.

“Oh God…” Sirius murmured, taking in her tangled hair and puffy eyes. “It’s that bad?”

Marlene looked at him, as if seeing him properly for the first time. Panic filled her swollen face.

“Don’t worry,” Sirius said quickly, stepping beside Remus. “I um... I know.”

She stood frozen for a moment, then let out a deep breath and wiped away her tears.

“Yeah, I figured,” she mumbled. “Sorry you have to see me like this. This is all such a mess. I feel like such a mess.”

“It’s probably just the booze catching up with you,” Sirius said with a slight grin. Marlene let out a small, pathetic laugh,

“I’m absolutely smashed. The whole room’s spinning.”

“Yeah, you definitely went a bit overboard. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us,” he reassured her. “Mary and Lils are pretty much plastered too. They can barely stand.”

“And you?” Remus said with a crooked smile. “You were so drunk you started singing along to ‘Dancing Queen’.”

“I got caught up in the moment,” Sirius defended himself. “And weren’t you the one doing that little dance duet with Lily?”

“More like a dance duel,” Marlene muttered, wiping her face with the hem of her shirt.

“We got carried away.”

“Quite a bit, eh?” Sirius joked. “Thank god Mary thought to take a few photos of this momentous event.”

“Historic, even.”

“The fact that Moony was dancing at all makes it rare indeed.”

“You can’t ever just leave me in peace, can ya?”

“Never,” Sirius grinned.

“Oh, God,” Marlene sighed, looking on the verge of tears again. “Why can’t things go back to normal between Cas and me? I want my friendship back, like you lot have. Who even am I without her as my best friend?”

Oh no, she was crying again. Sirius quickly pulled a tissue from his jeans pocket.

“I’ll never be normal again,” she rambled, dabbing her nose. “Why can’t I just be normal? Everyone else manages it somehow! It’s awful wanting something different…” Her voice had become so heartbreakingly thin that Sirius felt it physically.

He carefully chose his words, even in his intoxicated state, before he said, “Believe it or not, Marls, but I know what it’s like wanting to be ‘normal’ so badly it nearly drives you mad.” Sirius could feel Remus’s gaze on him and tried to ignore it. “But what even is ‘normal,’ eh? It’s just another word for boring. You’re not boring, Marls. You’re amazing.”

Marlene sniffled, her eyes even redder. “That’s really sweet of you, Sirius, but I don’t mean it like that." She wiped her face some more before putting on a brave, trembling smile. "I want to be normal in the sense that I stop feeling guilty and finally quit pretending I’m just making it up – that I’m not really a lesbian and that it’s all just some massive joke. But it’s not, and I know it. Deep down, I know I can’t do anything about it and just have to accept it. I really thought I had, but—”

She broke down again, harder this time. Sirius didn’t think, he just acted. He wrapped her in his arms, holding her tight against him.

“But I’m so a-alone, I’m so alone…” she sobbed over and over into his chest. “I’m sorry, but I just feel so... I’m so alone, so alone…”

Sirius murmured that it wasn’t true, that she had friends she could talk to about anything. But deep down, he knew that was only half the truth. He understood that her “I’m so alone” didn’t mean she couldn’t trust her friends. It was something else, something far bigger; a deeply rooted feeling that was able to creep up on you like a sudden rainstorm, leaving you drained, empty, like a shell of yourself. As if you didn’t exist for a few hours. That was the loneliness Marlene spoke of.

This kind of loneliness was all too familiar to Sirius. One could say they’d been acquainted for about a year now. He felt it in the quietest moments; when he’d watch his mates and their girlfriends interacting, or when he’d stand beside James and Lily who were shyly holding hands. He’d feel it while watching a film where the couple embraced each other, or while listening to Dorcas’s dad telling how he’d met his wife, or when he’d reflect on his own few relationships and how unfair it all seemed.

These moments might be unpredictable, but one scenario remained more steadfast than all others. Almost every night, he’d lie in bed, waiting for sleep to come, thinking over the day and the moments he’d felt somehow different. Different in the sense of an imposter who lies to everyone and especially to himself, by avoiding his problems as best as he can.

When he tried imagining his future, and couldn’t picture it with a wife and kids, he’d tell himself he just didn’t want that lifestyle. His family had probably messed him up too much. He’d try imagining another future in which he travels around the world and meets lots of beautiful women and sleeps with them, but this image only filled him with shame because really - he didn’t want this.

So yes, Sirius knew this feeling of loneliness.

Marlene sobbed, shuddering and sniffing. Remus averted his eyes from her and looked over at Sirius. Something in that look – in those brown eyes Sirius had looked into countless times – told him that Remus, in that vast cosmos of loneliness that only a few people truly knew, was nearby. Not right next to him, perhaps, but he was on his way.

When Marlene finally sobered up enough to pull herself together, she said she wanted to go home.

“I’m way too drunk to be a good company anyway,” she muttered, her eyes red and her nose sore. “Sorry for ruining your birthday, Remus.”

“You haven’t, Marls. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll try…”

“We’ll walk you home,” Sirius decided.

Marlene didn’t protest and allowed them to walk her back. She apologised at least twenty more times to Remus for spoiling his birthday.

“I’m so embarrassed…” she whispered, hesitant to enter her house. Remus did something he rarely did: he opened his arms and hugged her, stroking her hair in comfort.

“No need to be embarrassed. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Marlene nodded, hugging him tighter. “You’re so kind. Both of you.” She sniffed one last time, then managed a small smile for Sirius. “You can be quite the sensitive one when you want to. Didn’t expect that from you. Thanks for trying to cheer me up.”

“Of course,” Remus replied. “Try not to be too sad. It’ll be all right.”

“Yeah, well... I guess I need to let go of Cas. It just isn’t meant to be. I don’t know why I even got my hopes up. We’re best friends. She’s too important to me.”

Remus smiled, looking sad. “Call me tomorrow, yeah?”

Sirius couldn’t stand the melancholic atmosphere any longer, so he rang the bell. He realised too late that it was well after midnight. Marlene’s mother opened the door in a dressing gown and curlers. Alarmed, she grabbed her daughter by the arm and pulled her close.

“Oh, darling, what’s happened?” she asked, eyeing the two boys suspiciously. Marlene, for a change, didn’t burst into tears. Instead, she said:

“Can we talk tomorrow, Mum? I’m too tired…”

Marlene’s mother glanced at them with a frown, clearly torn between scolding them and tending to her distressed daughter.

“All right, then. I just hope nothing bad happened.”

“No, Mum, I just drank too much.”

Marlene’s mother sighed and shook her head. “Kids these days…”

Before closing the door, she nodded a quick thank you to Sirius and Remus.

They walked back towards the party in silence. After all the commotion, Sirius felt significantly sobered up; he could more or less walk straight without his surroundings blurring.

“I’ll grab the stuff,” said Remus, referring to the alcohol and socks for James. Sirius followed him.

“Good thing Effie and Monty went away to Cornwall for the weekend,” Sirius remarked in the hallway. “It’d be too much for Effie.”

Remus nodded. “Here, take these.”

Sirius fiddled with the label of the bottles, and then it suddenly struck him.

“Hey, I haven’t even wished you a happy birthday yet!”

“Oh. Right.”

“Happy Birthday, Moony.”

“Cheers.”

“How does it feel to be sixteen? Any different?”

“Let me think…” Remus tilted his head thoughtfully. “Yes, actually, my back’s already hunched, and my eyesight’s deteriorating. But other than that… no, not really.”

“Well, welcome to the club, anyway.”

“The old men’s club?”

“Ha! Yeah, something like that.”

Remus smiled and made to move past him, but then Sirius, in a sudden moment of bravery, said:

“Listen, about what you said the other day. On New Year’s Eve…”

Remus visibly tensed up. “Let’s not talk about that.”

“I think we should.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Sirius made a vague gesture with his hand. “Because of Marlene? Because she’s a lesbian?”

“What’s that got to do with her?!”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sirius’s heart was racing. Remus’s expectant look was driving him mad. “She’s gay.”

Remus furrowed his brows. “So what? You have a problem with that?”

“No, for God’s sake! It’s just because… you’re…”

“Because I’m what?!”

“Are you…?”

For a fraction of a second, Remus’s expression was sheer panic — his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open — then he swallowed.

“What’re you trying to say?”

Sirius started several times, but the right words wouldn’t come. With his heart pounding wildly, he thought it best to back off.

“Nothing. It’s fine. I just… never mind.”

Remus rubbed his mouth as if debating whether to say something. He hesitated for a moment. Then, almost imperceptibly, he shook his head.

“Let’s get back to the others.”

***

Sirius and Remus had been gone for nearly an hour. The others cheered happily when they rejoined them, asking what had taken them so long. They explained about Marlene and lied that she’d been sick, so they stayed with her until she felt better and then took her home.

Their explanation was vague, but their friends were in such high spirits that they didn’t press for details and instead eagerly accepted the extra booze.

Peter clumsily apologised to Dorcas, insisting that she would never snog Remus because she was now with Ethan. Dorcas frowned,

“Is that all you’ve got to say?”

Peter looked like he’d rather jump into the icy waters of Godric Lake than withstand Dorcas’s intimidating glare. He kept trying all night.

After their little detour, Sirius got increasingly drunk again. He tried to distract himself with alcohol and the lively atmosphere. He downed an entire beer to enthusiastic applause, nearly throwing up afterwards. He turned the radio volume up to full blast, which James promptly turned down again because of the sheep; Sirius turned it up once more. As always, when he drank, he let himself be swept away by the alcohol, paid no attention to what he was saying, and managed to forget, for a few blessed hours, all thoughts of Marlene, Dorcas, and his own place in this mind-boggling revelation full of unfinished thoughts and frightening possibilities.

He tried to avoid Remus, spoke too loudly, cracked silly jokes, and whirled Mary around in the attic. Anything to finally silence his thoughts.

They partied until the early hours. By four in the morning, Lily was dozing on James’s shoulder, Dorcas had made herself comfortable on a hay bale, Peter was mumbling something about a king in his sleep, Mary lay on the floor using Sirius’s thigh as a pillow, and Remus sat with his knees drawn up against the wall, sharing his last cigarette with Sirius.

James attempted a drag but found it so disgusting that he grimaced and handed the cigarette back to Remus.

“Don’t get why you guys smoke these things...”

Remus shrugged, too tired to respond.

“Because we’re cool, James. You wouldn’t understand,” Sirius grinned.

“You’re more like on a mission for an early grave.”

“If I die young, at least I had a good time with these.”

James shook his head disapprovingly but said nothing more.

Mary was softly snoring. Her left eye twitched occasionally as a strand of hair brushed against her lashes. Sirius gently took it and tucked it behind her ear.

“Aww,” Lily murmured with half-open eyes. “You two are cute together.”

“Icanhearyou.” Mary mumbled without opening her eyes. “And I really like Sirius, but I’m currently after a certain Pascal Hurley. Besides, I think Sirius has someone else on his mind.”

“Oh really?” Lily asked, perking up with interest. “Who?”

“Is Cas asleep yet?” Sirius asked, trying to divert Lily’s attention. James craned his neck to check the hay bale behind him.

“Looks like it. Is that our cue to go to bed?”

“Too far away,” Mary yawned.

“We can sleep up here.” Sirius suggested.

“It’s way too cold,” Lily pointed out, not entirely wrong. The seven of them had wrapped up warmly, and the alcohol kept them toasty inside, but now that sobriety was creeping in, the fact that it was only early March was impossible to ignore.

“We’ll fetch some blankets and pillows.”

“Good thinking, Prongs.”

No one made a move to get up.

“I’ll go…” Remus sighed.

“No, stop, you’re the birthday boy,” Lily objected. “James’ll go. And while he’s at it, he can grab some water as well.”

“Anything else?”

“Peter’s teddy bear. He’ll get nightmares without it,” Sirius snickered. Peter was already fast asleep, oblivious to the world, mumbling incoherently.

“Where are we in his story now?” James asked. “Has that Alala fella proven his worth to the Viceroy or not?”

They waited for Peter to utter a semi-coherent sentence.

“Did not… You did…” was all he babbled.

“Charming.” James rubbed his hands together. “Right then, I’ll see what we’ve got. But I’m definitely not fetching Peter’s teddy from his place.”

“Wait, the teddy bear thing isn’t a joke?” Mary giggled.

“Yup, but don’t let Pete know you know. He says he doesn’t use it anymore,” Sirius smirked.

Lily’s head lolled from James’s shoulder to Remus’s as James stood up. Smiling, she closed her eyes.

“Hmm, your shoulder’s much comfier.”

Remus frowned. “Er, thanks?”

After a while, James came back and called up from below, asking for help carrying the blankets. Sirius and Remus went to the loft gate, awkwardly reaching down to take the items.

“That’s not enough!” Lily exclaimed as she spread one blanket over Dorcas and another over Peter.

“I figured two pairs share one. It’s all I could find,” James explained, climbing up the ladder with three pillows under his arm.

Mary spread out her blanket. “Come on, Lily, let’s get cosy. James, pass a pillow, please.”

The two girls lay down giggling under their blanket. James took another blanket and a pillow and settled next to Lily. Sirius was about to join him but saw there wasn’t enough space between James and the wall.

His gaze wandered to Remus, who was spreading out the last blanket and the only remaining pillow in a nook behind a hay bale. When Remus looked up, their eyes met. Sirius tried to appear as casual as possible as he walked over and gestured to the makeshift bedding.

“Just like a five-star hotel.”

“I’ve never been to one, but I’m pretty sure they have actual mattresses.”

"Mattresses are overrated."

"Who’s turning off the light?" Lily asked.

"Wait, I’m not ready yet!" Sirius called out as he slipped under the blanket. It was a scratchy woollen one—warm enough but with a musty smell that made him wish he could do without. Remus hesitated before lying down next to him. Sirius shuffled over, giving him as much space as possible.

"All right, you can turn it off now!"

"Goodnight, sweethearts," Mary murmured from the other side of the loft, before it fell dark.

"It was such a nice birthday, Remus," Lily said, a smile in her voice.

"Glad you enjoyed it."

After a round of "goodnights" and "sweet dreams," the shed fell into a drowsy silence, broken only by the occasional snores and Peter’s muttering.

Sirius found himself unable to sleep even after what felt like an eternity. He kept turning from one side to the other. Silently, he sent a quick prayer skywards, hoping someone would rescue him from his misery. Instead of the pillow, he rested his head on his elbow, not daring to move closer to Remus.

Remus lay with his back to him, his breathing barely audible, his outline in the darkness hard to make out. The last thing Sirius wanted was another night haunted by mocking masks, pushing him into an abyss. He dreaded the thought of Remus picking up on the restless energy that always seemed to overwhelm him whenever they were near each other.

Reluctantly, a door in Sirius’s mind creaked open—a door he normally kept firmly shut. Behind it lay all the dangerous "what-ifs." What if he stopped barricading this suppressed longing behind that door? What if he just spoke to Remus about it? What if his worries were unfounded...?

As morning crept closer, Sirius grew increasingly annoyed with James for choosing to sleep next to Lily instead of him, leaving Sirius here beside Remus, wide awake and unable to rest.

The first light of dawn was already streaming through the tiny window when Sirius decided it was pointless to stay any longer. Why lie awake when he had a cosy bed waiting for him inside the house?

Just as he started to get up, a soft whisper made him freeze.

"You’re heading inside?"

Sirius flinched. "Bloody hell, were you awake this whole time?!"

"Yeah."

"Why didn’t you say anything?!"

Remus simply shrugged.

"Brilliant, thanks for that," Sirius muttered. "We could’ve had a nice chat or something." He sighed and laid his head on the pillow so that his temple almost touched Remus's. Remus brushed a few strands of Sirius' hair out of his face.

"Why can’t you sleep?" Remus asked after a moment.

"I think it’s the full moon."

Remus let out a quiet snort. "Watch out, here comes Sirius the fearsome werewolf."

"Cas told me once that the moon’s cycle can actually affect how we sleep."

"Right."

"You don’t believe her."

"I don’t know any scientific evidence to support that."

"I think it’s kind of nice, the things she and her family believe in. They trust their cards, and the way they share things with each other. Who do you trust?"

"My mind," Remus replied without hesitation.

"Your mind. Of course."

Sirius’s thoughts drifted to a session with the Meadowes women, when the grandmother had warned about the danger of suppressing emotions with logic. At the time, Sirius hadn’t fully understood why anyone would do such a thing. Now, he thought he did—or at least he understood why Remus so often acted rationally, overanalysing everything to the point of exhaustion.

It gave him structure. Safety. He leaned on numbers and probabilities, letting them guide his actions. That’s why Sirius sometimes found him stubborn and inflexible. That’s why Remus struggled to open up about the things that weighed on him.

"I need to ask you something."

"Oh God, here it comes," Remus muttered.

Sirius swallowed, choosing his words carefully.

"When you said you didn’t want to date any girls... did you mean you don’t want to date anyone at all, or just that you don’t have time for it right now?"

He could almost feel Remus tensing up beside him.

"You don’t have to take everything so literally."

"That’s not an answer."

"It came out wrong," Remus said quietly.

"In what way?"

"I was just annoyed when you tried to set me up with someone."

"So you don’t have time for a relationship," Sirius concluded, not sure anymore what he even hoped for.

Remus was silent for a long time before finally speaking. "It’s not like Marlene, if that’s what you’re thinking."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I didn’t think that you’re—you know..."

"That I’m gay?"

Sirius cleared his throat. "Exactly."

Remus didn’t respond for a long time. Finally, he whispered, "Try to sleep, Sirius," and turned over, facing the other way again.

Sirius didn’t sleep that night, and he was certain the boy next to him didn’t either.

***

21st April 1991

"Pascal and I were just kissing. But Toby got to touch my boobs."

"Mary!"

"What?"

"How was it?!"

"Well, he was clumsy, what do you think? He kept asking me if I thought he looked handsome. Honestly, I’ve never experienced anything more off-putting."

"And after that?"

"A girl don’t kiss and tells."

"Oh, come on..."

Sirius groaned. This endless chatter about Mary and her latest conquest, Toby something, had been going on for half an hour now, ever since the school bell had rung to signal the end of the day. Now the four girls were sitting directly in front of him on the speeding bus, whispering in what they thought was a discreet manner, though Sirius could hear every single word. He’d told them as much more than once, but they’d just shushed him and carried on whispering.

James, meanwhile, was looking pointedly out of the window, though Sirius knew full well he was listening intently to what the girls were saying. Every time Lily opened her mouth, James’s head tilted ever so slightly, trying to appear casual. Sirius smirked,

"Interested in what Lily has to say about you?"

"Don’t be silly."

"I bet she’s dying to take the infamous next step."

James jabbed him in the side. "Oh, shut it. Says the bore who won’t go out with a single girl. What about Chloe from PE? She was eyeing you up the entire lesson."

"Did you know Lily and Mary were talking about their ideal fella yesterday?"

"What? Seriously?"

"Yeah, and if you’d shut up for a minute, we might hear a bit more."

Sirius turned his attention back to the conversation a few rows ahead.

"What kind of kisser is Ethan?" Mary asked, apparently finished with her tales of snogging escapades.

"That’s such a stupid question," Dorcas replied, unimpressed.

"Does he have soft or rough lips? I’m guessing rough. All athletes have rough lips."

"James’s are quite soft," Lily said, clearly delighted. "He’s always asking for my lip balm to keep them that way."

The girls burst into laughter. James shrugged at Sirius and said, "It’s true. That balm works wonders for my lips."

"Anyway, can we change the subject, please?" Dorcas’s voice again. "Is it serious with Toby?"

"Hardly. He’s hot but dumb as a rock. A guy’s got to have some brains—that’s what Mum always says. A bloke can only keep you entertained as long as he can come up with interesting things to talk about."

"You’re so wise," Marlene said sarcastically, crossing her arms with a sulky expression. "It’s always boys this, boys that. Honestly, we get it—you’re obsessed!"

The other three girls exchanged guilty looks.

"Oh, Marls, I didn’t think about how tired you must be of this topic," Lily said, laying a sympathetic hand on Marlene’s arm. She and Marlene were both kneeling on their seats to chat more easily with Mary and Dorcas. "Just because the three of us are in relationships doesn’t mean we have to annoy you with it."

Marlene turned red. "Great. Thanks for being so understanding." She turned away and plopped onto her seat with a huff.

"Oh, stop sulking already," Mary said firmly. "Cheer up, the weather’s been decent for the first time in ages. That’s worth celebrating. Boys?"

Sirius and James straightened up, pretending they hadn’t been eavesdropping for the last twenty minutes.

"What’s up?"

"Fancy a meet-up at the old oak?"

"Sounds good!" James said. "Who’s bringing the booze?"

"Pete?"

"Hmm?"

"Think you can get Ollie to part with some of his stash?" Mary batted her eyelashes teasingly.

"If we scrape a tenner..."

"Shouldn’t be a problem. We’ve got Sirius as our sugar daddy."

"Not anymore," Sirius reminded her. "My parents cut me off."

"We’ll manage," Mary said. "Right, let’s meet at seven."

"Can’t," Remus said. He was sitting in the back with his English homework on his lap. "I’ve got work in two hours."

"For how long?" Lily asked.

"‘til half past nine."

"Shame," she sighed. "We’ll just do something tomorrow, then."

"I’m working at Theodore’s tomorrow. But go ahead without me—it’s fine."

"Why do you still have two jobs anyway? Or is it three?" Sirius asked, frowning. "Your dad’s working again. Surely one’s enough?"

Remus turned a page in his notebook and kept writing. "Well, Sirius, I guess it’s because I’m funding my near future."

"And your parents aren’t helping at all or what?"

"They’ve got their own stuff to deal with."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

Remus sighed, crossed out a word irritably, and looked up. "Look, I know the concept of work is foreign to you, but it’d be great if you could grasp that some people weren’t born into a pile of money and actually have to take care of their own futures."

"Maybe you’ve forgotten," Sirius shot back sharply, "but I didn’t exactly choose to be born into my family."

Remus’s ears turned red. "I never said you did. But now that your parents have finally cut you off and you’re broke, maybe you should start thinking about how to support yourself."

Sirius held back from mentioning that while he technically didn’t have an income, he did have a small fortune waiting for him once he turned eighteen. His uncle Alphard had let it slip years ago, a bit tipsy, that he’d set up a trust fund with a rather generous sum. Sirius wouldn’t need to worry about money, even with his family ties severed.

But since he knew that mentioning this would definitely rile up Remus, he replied in a sugary, flirtatious tone, "If it’ll help you sleep better at night, darling, I’ll get a job."

Remus rolled his eyes in irritation and returned to his homework.

James, who had been following the conversation from a safe distance, ruffled his hair awkwardly. "If the two—or wait, three—jobs are getting too much, Moony, and you need money—"

"Whatever you’re offering, no thanks. I don’t need it."

James looked at Remus for a moment, crestfallen. "Yeah, but- I could help..."

Sirius gave James a subtle shake of his head, signalling there was no point in offering. Remus was the most stubborn person in the world when it came to money.

While the girls chattered animatedly a few rows ahead (and Marlene continued staring moodily out the window), Sirius’s gaze inadvertently landed on Regulus’s head, visible up front where he was sitting with Marlene’s brothers, telling them to stop kicking his seat.

A sinking feeling crept over Sirius, one he quickly pushed away by slamming shut the mental door labelled "Regulus." It was strange running into his younger brother regularly now, pretending not to know each other. Regulus ignored Sirius, never sparing him so much as a glance. For the first time in years, Sirius ignored him too.

To outsiders, they might as well have been strangers who had never even shaken hands.

It was for the better, Sirius told himself. It was for the better. It was for the better. It was for the better. It was—

"Alright, everyone off, now. Move it," Gerald barked sharply.

Blinking, Sirius refocused, slinging his bag over his shoulder and following the others off the bus.

***

It was a beautiful April evening, with a stunning sunset lazily disappearing behind the hills as the hours passed. They laughed a lot and messed around foolishly. Sirius and James were racing across the landscape—at first because they were having a race, then because Sirius tripped James near the finish line, prompting James to vow revenge. He caught up with Sirius, grinning triumphantly, and shouted, “Even my granny runs faster than you!”

“Sorry, not everyone’s cut out to be a professional athlete!” Sirius shot back, clutching his sides and panting heavily.

Mary and Marlene were hanging torches on tree branches so they could still see in the encroaching darkness. The dim light created a romantic atmosphere: Lily lay on the ground with her head on James’ lap, Mary warmed her feet under Sirius’ outstretched legs while braiding Marlene’s hair, and Peter shared a beer with Dorcas.

“This evening makes me so excited for summer,” Lily said cheerfully.

“Oh, yes,” Mary agreed. “I can’t wait. I hope we get another hot summer like last year.”

“Please, no,” Peter groaned.

“Well, you know where to find me then,” Sirius said, taking another sip of his cold beer. “If it gets that hot again, I’m just going to move to Godric’s Lake.”

As the others laughed, Sirius realised, for the first time in his life, that he actually had the freedom to do exactly that. No strings tied him down, forcing him into places he didn’t want to be. Effie and Monty would probably only let him camp by the lake for a few days, but at least they allowed him some freedom.

“You should invite Ethan too, Cas. He’d love Godric’s Hollow,” Mary said innocently, oblivious to the way Marlene’s expression tensed. “You could make a proper romantic date of it. A picnic, maybe. Tom and I—” Mary stopped herself, blushing. “Um, well, it’s a nice idea.”

Dorcas shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. Hey, James, can Ethan and I borrow your dad’s boat sometime?”

“Sure, why not? I was thinking of taking Lily out on it as well.”

“But we’re not going fishing!” Lily declared quickly.

“Steady on,” Sirius smirked. “That’s men’s work. Rowing takes muscles.”

Mary rolled her eyes. “Oh, for goodness’ sake. 1951 just called; they want their everyday sexism back.” Dorcas and Lily snorted. “If you need to stroke your fragile male egos, why not invite Ethan too? Another ‘oh-so-strong’ rower for you.”

“I doubt Ethan would be much help,” Dorcas said, placing her and Peter’s empty beer on the grass. “He’s not really the rowing type.”

“Well, it’ll be good training!” James said determinedly. Sirius groaned inwardly. For James, everything was training—whether it was mowing the lawn, hiking to the village, or carrying shopping bags. “I was planning to use the summer for coordination and muscle training anyway.”

“Why?” Sirius asked.

“Mrs. Hooch says if he takes football seriously, he could apply for a scholarship,” Lily answered for him, sounding proud as she affectionately stroked James’ cheek from her spot on the ground.

Sirius sat up. “You’re kidding?! You’re thinking of playing football at uni?”

“I’m not sure yet,” James said, looking uncharacteristically bashful. “There’s a chance to study at Exeter or Loughborough on a scholarship, but it’s still up in the air.”

“That’s incredible!” Sirius exclaimed. “You’re talented enough to go pro!”

“Steady on,” James laughed, scratching his head. “Like I said, I’m just waiting to see. I’m not sure I want to turn my hobby into a career. What if I lose my passion for it?”

Sirius didn’t know what to say except, “Imagine playing alongside Lineker or Gazza! You’re gonna be famous!” He nudged James excitedly in the ribs, but James just smiled half-heartedly.

“Yeah, maybe... But honestly, I’ve been thinking about doing something rather meaningful.”

“You mean something like finance or law?” Peter asked, fishing another beer out of the crate. “My dad’s been on my back about interning at my uncle’s company over the summer.”

“Sounds cool, Pete, but that’s not what I mean.”

“If you join Amnesty International or another charity, you could really make a difference,” Marlene suggested, speaking for the first time in a while. “I’m planning to take a gap year after school to volunteer in Sri Lanka or Somalia.”

“That’s amazing, and I’m sure you’ll make the world a better place,” James said sincerely. “But all that feels so far away. I want to do something meaningful here. I don’t know... Maybe I just want to help people.”

“‘Just want to help people,’ he says,” Sirius teased, nudging James’ head playfully. James flushed,

“I mean it. What can you do if you just want to tackle problems head-on and fix them?”

“Social work maybe?” Mary suggested. “My cousin’s studying that. They help people.”

James scratched his temple, deep in thought. The idea of planning his future suddenly seemed overwhelming. He waved his hand dismissively. “Let’s not talk about it now. Whether I’m a footballer or a problem-solver, I’ll end up somewhere.”

“And you’ll be happy,” Lily added. James smiled.

“Yes, we will.”

An hour passed. Lily busied herself picking daisies and threading them into James’ messy hair while Sirius teased him about it. Mary kept trying to get Dorcas to talk about Ethan, despite Marlene sitting right there. Sirius couldn’t help but notice Marlene’s lips tightening into a sour line as she abruptly yanked her head away from Mary’s braiding fingers. Mary barely noticed and kept chattering on.

Mary wanted to know everything: how the dates were going, how often they’d kissed, whether they’d said the L-word yet. Dorcas answered in her usual nonchalant way, as if the topic barely interested her. To Sirius, it didn’t seem like she was head-over-heels in love, but then again, Dorcas wasn’t one for overt displays of emotion.

***

24st April 1991

In the weeks that followed, Marlene often complained to Sirius or Remus about how little time Dorcas spent with her and how every other conversation among the girls revolved around Ethan or James.

“James isn’t so bad. At least he’s got a personality,” she grumbled after school one day on the way to the bus. “But Ethan is about as interesting as the back of a cereal box. And that’s putting it nicely.”

Sirius and Remus stifled amused grins as Marlene ranted non-stop.“Why does it have to be him?! Why not one of you lot? I’d much rather talk about your kissing skills than Ethan’s.” She shuddered in disgust. “Actually, no, scratch that. I’d rather not talk about boys at all. No offence.”

“None taken. I get it,” Sirius grinned, holding the door open for her so she wouldn’t barrel into it at her brisk pace.

“Boys’re so dull. The only thing they’re good for is drinking, peeing while standing up, and acting like idiots around girls.”

“Don’t forget annoying the hell out of you,” Sirius added helpfully.

Marlene let out a sarcastic oh-hooo. “You’ve got that right. They’re masters of it. Especially Ethan.”

Sirius and Remus listened to her tirade all the way to the bus stop, where they joined the others. Though Marlene still seemed irritated, she kept her mouth shut in front of Dorcas. Dorcas noticed something was off and asked if Marlene was okay, but Marlene just said she was stressed about the upcoming exams.

Since exams were a hot topic for all of them, they latched onto the subject and spent the bus ride complaining about the extra work their teachers were piling on. Remus, in particular, was overwhelmed by his Advanced Maths course, along with juggling two—sometimes three—jobs. The strain made him unavailable for anything except studying.

Sirius, who avoided studying like the plague, only saw Remus during breaks or in shared classes. To Sirius, these moments felt like a reprieve from the nagging thoughts swirling in his head—thoughts he didn’t want to think.

More than once, he caught himself staring at Remus in the library: focused on his textbook, fingers ink-stained, tongue lightly resting on his lip. Sirius had to physically force himself to look away.

He didn’t want to think about it.

He had considered talking to Marlene but didn’t know how to approach the subject without making it seem like he was questioning his own... preferences. He wasn’t a homosexual, of course. He was sure of that. He’d had girlfriends, flirted with girls, found them attractive.

It was just confusing—this train of thought. How had Marlene figured out she was in love with her best friend, of all people? Why not some other girl? It only complicated things unnecessarily, Sirius thought.

James would say something like, "You can't choose who you fall in love with." Sirius thought that you absolutely could. Back in Year Eight, he had only been with Eva because so many other boys were getting their first girlfriends at that time. He didn’t want to risk his reputation as a ladies’ man. It would have looked odd if he received love letters nearly every day but had never actually been with a girl. So, why not Eva?

Of course you could choose who you fell in love with. At least, Sirius could. That’s why he didn’t fall for Marlene, or Dorcas, or Mary, or even Lily. Because he had the talent to hold back. Yes, he’d call it a talent—or a skill—that he didn’t fall for every girl who crossed his path.

He didn’t want to think about what it might mean if it wasn’t a talent. If, instead, there was something wrong with him, something broken inside him, that made him incapable of falling in love at all. He didn’t want to think about what it might mean if every other boy kissed a girl, while he never even felt the urge to hold someone’s hand.

He didn’t want to think about it.

Chapter Text

“I love you too, Marls.”

Those five words had utterly consumed Marlene ever since Dorcas had said them to her on Halloween. They were kind words, the sort of thing that made one feel loved and wanted. But for Marlene, they had only caused chaos.

For a long time, she thought she was over-complicating things. Dorcas was her friend—her best friend—and of course she said she loved her. What was the big deal? Marlene was certain Lily and Mary had told her “I love you, Marls” a hundred times before. But with them, the message felt… different. And for ages, Marlene had no bloody idea why.

Deep down, tough, she knew. It was because she hadn’t been harbouring a years-long crush on Lily or Mary. Only on Dorcas.

Dorcas, who she’d known for seven years, ever since Marlene’s family moved to Godric’s Hollow and Dorcas stumbled into her life on moving day with a jar of her parents’ jam as a welcome gift. They’d been a unit ever since, long before Marlene even realised just how unshakeable their connection was.

Dorcas sometimes knew what Marlene was going to say before Marlene herself had even thought it through. She wondered if Dorcas might know her better than she knew herself.

At eight, they were best friends. At eleven, they were inseparable. By thirteen, Marlene thought of them as soulmates. There was an understanding between them that she didn’t share with anyone else. They did everything together—spent hours reading each other’s fortunes, recreating dishes they saw Lucien make, or inventing stories. Marlene’s favourite story of Dorcas’s was about them: a girl (Dorcas) who was the luckiest person on earth because she’d found another girl (Marlene) who was her missing puzzle piece.

Thirteen was also the age when puberty brought not only physical changes but a cascade of hormone-fuelled, often irrational ideas.

Boys, for instance, became a particularly thrilling topic for Mary. She couldn’t stop talking about a boy named Tom, whom she fancied, and was desperate to practise kissing with her friends so she’d be prepared when she finally went out with him. She always talked about when and never if. And that pretty much summed up Mary perfectly.

It took considerable persuasion before the others reluctantly agreed to sit in a circle on Marlene’s bedroom floor, giggling as they debated who should kiss whom first.

Marlene had a bad feeling about the whole thing. She didn’t think she was ready to refine her kissing technique. Unlike the others, she still thought of herself as too much of a child and wasn’t the least bit interested in boys. But good old group dynamic eventually swept her along.

So, there she was, sitting on the floor, cheeks flushed, watching as Mary and Dorcas clumsily pressed their mouths together. The “kiss” lasted all of three seconds before Dorcas wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Hey, you can’t do that!” Mary complained.

“Do what?”

“Wipe your mouth afterwards! That’s rude!”

“Oh, come on, it’s just practice.” Dorcas nudged Marlene. They wordlessly made fun of Mary’s obsession with boys.

“I feel like none of you actually wants to be able to kiss properly!” Mary declared dramatically before turning to Lily. “Let’s see if Evans is a better kisser.”

Kissing Lily proved nearly impossible because she couldn’t stop laughing. Every time Mary leaned closer, ready to close the gap, Lily dissolved into giggles.

“Get it together, girl!”

“Sorry! Sorry, I just can’t keep a straight face… I’m trying, I swear!”

Mary waited for Lily to steady herself before moving closer again.

“Oh, no!” Lily burst out laughing, covering her mouth. “Sorry, Mary, but your face! I’m so sorry—it’s just too funny!”

Mary rolled her eyes. “Fine. Forget it. You’ll mess up your first kiss anyway. Marls, your turn.”

Marlene’s stomach sank. The light-hearted, absurd atmosphere had suddenly turned into a stage where she didn’t want to perform, with all the spotlights trained on her.

“Uh, I’ll pass. I just ate something with onions. You wouldn’t want that.”

“Yeah, I think I better pass too. No offence.”

Marlene exhaled in relief. She didn’t want to kiss Mary—it felt wrong. She couldn’t understand how her friends were fine with kissing a girl and then carrying on as if nothing had happened. Maybe Marlene was just prudish. Whatever.

Mary and Lily had to leave shortly after, but Dorcas stayed behind as she often did. They joked about Mary’s ridiculous suggestion.

“I hope she has better luck with boys than she did with us,” Dorcas grinned. “I didn’t enjoy it one bit.”

“What, is she that bad?”

“No, Mary’s great. It’s just weird kissing your friend. You had a good excuse, though. Very clever, the onion thing.”

“Thanks. Honestly, the whole thing was a bit much for me.”

Dorcas tilted her head. “In what way?”

Marlene’s skin prickled. “I don’t kiss my best friend!” she blurted. “That’s just so Mary. Always coming up with these stupid ideas. Acting all grown up when she’s just obsessed with this Tom fella. She’s using us, and it’s annoying.”

“Hmm. I don’t think she’s using us. She just wants to impress him. Can you blame her? I think the first kiss must be kind of scary. Don’t you?”

“Maybe…” Marlene shrugged. “Did practising with her help you feel less scared?”

Dorcas laughed. “Not really. We didn’t even kiss properly. It was more like one of those smooches you get from an aunt you haven’t seen in years. I’d need more practice to get over my nerves.”

“I can call Mary,” Marlene offered. “She’d come right back.”

“Why wait for her when you’re right here?”

Oh God. Had Marlene just heard that right? She swallowed hard.

“I ate onions…”

“No, you didn’t. You lied so you don’t have to kiss Mary.”

“Right.”

Dorcas, sitting cross-legged across from her, ran her fingers thoughtfully over her lips, watching her expectantly.

“Just one try?”

“Uh—” Marlene’s heart pounded.

“You can say no.”

Marlene’s gaze dropped to Dorcas’s full lips, curved in a slight smile. “Okay, lets try...” she whispered breathlessly.

Dorcas’s eyes lit up briefly, and then she leaned in, closing the gap between them. Marlene froze, bracing herself for the contact.

“Relax, Marls,” Dorcas murmured just before their lips met softly. Marlene held her breath. For five seconds, neither of them moved. Then Dorcas tilted her head slightly, adjusting the angle.

Marlene didn’t know what to do—whether to open her mouth, kiss back, or anything else. Her mind raced, blocking out everything else. Suddenly, she pulled back, hitting the wardrobe behind her.

“Oh, sorry!” Dorcas exclaimed, her eyes wide. “Did I hurt you?”

Marlene took a moment to catch her breath. “No! It’s fine. You didn’t do anything. It’s just, uh… How was it?”

“Not bad, I think.”

“Okay.”

“How was it for you?”

“Fine…”

Dorcas nodded slowly, as if in thought. "Well, that’s our first kiss out of the way. Bring on the boys!"

Marlene forced a laugh. A thousand wild butterflies were fluttering in her stomach, making her feel nauseous. She couldn’t meet her best friend’s eyes. She felt dreadful.

"Look, Cas, I’ve got loads to do, so..."

"Oh! Of course, I won’t keep you." Dorcas stood up, smoothing down her school skirt and picking up her bag. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure. See ya."

Dorcas gave her one last hesitant glance, but Marlene was too busy trying to silence the wild butterflies. She felt as though God himself might appear any moment to scold her for spoiling love with such a childish kissing game.

Once Dorcas was gone, Marlene hid in her wardrobe and didn’t come out until her mum knocked on the door to say dinner was ready.

***

That was the moment that changed everything. It wasn’t as though Marlene had been madly in love with Dorcas all along. Rather, the kiss unlocked a torrent of emotions, possibilities, and questions that had never crossed her mind before.

No one ever mentioned the practice kiss again. Even Mary wrote the idea off as a flop and never nagged her friends to try it again. When she finally started dating Tom a year and a half later, they teased her, saying she’d never have kissing partners as good as her three friends.

At fourteen, Marlene stumbled across one of those magazines in the library with half-naked women posed on motorbikes. Disgusted, she tossed it into the bin. Later, she felt like a criminal because she’d stared at the pictures for more than six seconds. She could barely look the librarian in the eye when returning her books.

A few weeks later, she went to the cinema with Mary, Lily, and Dorcas (some soppy romance Mary had chosen), and couldn’t stop thinking about how pretty the lead actress was. In one scene, when she took off her jacket and stood there in a low-cut tank top, Marlene felt uncomfortably warm. She glanced at her friends, but none of them seemed to have the same reaction.

At fifteen, Marlene found herself hiding under her covers, closing her eyes for a few blissful moments, her thoughts filled with soft skin, curvy bodies, and the throbbing pulse she’d felt under Dorcas wrist that morning. Afterwards, she cried for hours, overcome with shame.

In the summer, when the four girls swam at Godric’s Lake, Marlene made a point of not looking at Dorcas. She deliberately avoided glancing at her breasts, or her long legs, or her slim waist. Even her bright eyes felt like forbidden territory.

Dorcas was a beautiful girl. Many boys at school thought so, though they rarely asked her out because her confidence was a bit intimidating. Unlike Mary, who thrived on attention, Dorcas preferred to stay in the background with Marlene, observing people from a safe distance rather than mingling. Whenever Dorcas turned a boy down, she’d say her parents’ relationship had given her high standards, and she wasn’t settling for just anyone. Marlene was secretly relieved. Even though she was sure Dorcas would never return her… feelings, it was comforting to know she wasn’t interested in boys either.

Desperate for answers to her unconventional feelings, Marlene borrowed books on sexuality from the library. She was mortified handing them over to the librarian, babbling something about a school project even though the woman hadn’t asked.

She learned a lot and felt comforted knowing there were many people like her. There were even celebrities who openly admitted to being gay. Maybe her life wasn’t doomed to be as awful as she’d once imagined.

Sometimes she felt so confident she almost told someone. She thought her parents might eventually get over the shock and accept her. Her family wasn’t particularly religious—her mum even occasionally expressed sympathy for "those poor gay fellas" with all the AIDS talk.

Marlene ought to have felt lucky.

But every time she got close to saying it, fear stopped her. What if she was wrong? What if the consequences were too much? What if everything fell apart the second she opened her mouth?

No, she decided, silence was safer.

That, however, was easier said than done. She felt completely alone, as though she were physically present with her friends but separated from them by miles. Marlene knew that Mary, Lily, and Dorcas didn’t suspect anything, but she dreaded what might happen if they ever found out. She was sure she couldn’t handle it. She’d have to travel to the farthest corner of the earth just to deal with the shame.

The only option Marlene could think of was to become someone else entirely, to put on a performance so convincing that no one would ever guess the truth.

And most of the time, it worked.

One afternoon however, shortly after the Christmas holidays, she found herself standing at the bus stop, distraught and crying. She needed to go somewhere—anywhere—to clear her head. In class, she had overheard two girls gossiping about the new boy—Ethan something—and how hot he was. Apparently, he was single, though he already had his eye on someone.

“Who’s the lucky girl?” one of them giggled.

“Dorcas Meadowes,” whispered the other.

Ethan was a tall, lanky boy with reddish hair and barely visible freckles. His slightly arrogant smile gave him a movie-star quality that most girls found absolutely irresistible. Marlene wanted to punch that smug grin right off his face.

That day, Marlene and Dorcas were walking from English to Maths. Marlene was carrying so many books that she could hardly see straight. Unfortunately, one of them slipped from her grasp just as Ethan passed by.

He bent down to pick it up. "Here, let me carry these for you," he said.

Before she could protest, he had already taken the whole stack from her.

“Uh, thanks,” she mumbled awkwardly.

“Headed to Maths? That’s where I’m going too.”

“Great.”

“I’m Ethan. New here. And you two?”

“Dorcas. And this is Marlene.”

Ethan somehow managed to free one hand and offered it to Dorcas. “Lovely name, Dorcas.”

Dorcas smiled. She enjoyed compliments.

Marlene seethed with jealousy. The two of them walked ahead of her, acting as though she didn’t exist. Ethan carried her books all the way to the classroom, where he asked Dorcas if he could see her during break. He explained that he didn’t know many people yet. Dorcas, being kind, said yes.

Ethan and Dorcas talked non-stop during both breaks and lunch. It was maddening. Dorcas made a point to include Marlene in the conversation, but Ethan ignored whatever she said, and Marlene didn’t bother trying to add anything interesting.

By the time they were heading home, Marlene was in such a foul mood that she stared out the window, sulking and ignoring her friends.

She spent the next hour wallowing in self-pity, but it didn’t make her feel any better. Finally, she decided she’d take the bus to Dornfield and catch a train from there—maybe to London or Manchester. Anywhere but here. She needed to do something drastic.

Stupid Ethan. Stupid bloody rain. Stupid bloody village. Stupid bloody day.

On her way to the bus stop, Marlene couldn’t hold back her tears any longer. The constant rain soaked her hair, her clothes, and her shoes, but she didn’t care. She wanted the rain to wash away her tears—and maybe take her with it.

There already was a friend of her waiting at the bus stop.

Telling Remus wasn’t planned or intentional in the slightest, but it felt incredibly good to share her secret with someone she trusted. Remus let her talk, hardly asked any questions, and simply allowed her to cry. Confiding in him didn’t just change their friendship; it changed Marlene as a person. She felt more grown-up and responsible. For the first time in her life, she didn’t have to carry her biggest secret alone.

The Valentine’s Day letter had, in hindsight, been a reckless idea. Dorcas and Ethan often talked at school, and Marlene felt rejected. She agonised over how to talk to Dorcas about everything without losing her and decided that the best solution was to give her a poem expressing her thoughts. Unfortunately, Dorcas didn’t realise the poem was from her. Instead of finally having the conversation Marlene so desperately wanted, she had to sit and listen as her friends speculated about who the mysterious sender might be. Of course, it had to be Ethan—who else could it be?

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan.

That annoying prick was everywhere!

At some point in March, Ethan and Dorcas finally got together. Naturally, they organised a sweet little double date with Lily and James—why wouldn’t they?! Stupid Mary was like an annoying leech clinging to Dorcas and Ethan’s relationship, treating it as her personal mission to irritate Marlene with all the nonsense.

But really - Who was Marlene kidding? Mary wasn’t stupid. She was excited that one of her best friends had a boyfriend. Being overly giddy was just part of her nature.

One day, Marlene would have to admit that she was the one being unfair. Not Mary, not Dorcas, not even Ethan. None of them were to blame for the way she felt. The whole thing was just a massive, awful mess.

Marlene was ashamed that she’d had such a spectacular meltdown on Remus’s birthday. Sirius knew about her now too, she reckoned. Oddly, it was a relief that another person knew this secret about her and still didn’t treat her any different.

***

24 May 1991

“How’d you find the maths exam?” Marlene asked Remus as she slung her bag over her shoulder.

“Not too bad.”

“Remus is bound to have the best score!” James said cheerfully, catching up with them from behind.

Remus frowned. “Wouldn’t bet on it. I definitely botched the last question.”

“Ah, don’t stress,” James smiled, encouragingly throwing an arm around Remus’s neck. “At least it’s over now. How’d you do, Marls?”

“Not great. I could barely concentrate.”

“Already daydreaming about the holidays, eh?” James grinned. “Same here. Oh, by the way, about the Silverstone tickets—you’re a hundred percent sure you can’t come, Moony?”

“No, sorry. Got to work.”

James tutted. “Ah, bugger. I swear, next time you’re coming with us. No excuses!”

Remus ducked his head as James ruffled his hair, then sprinted off towards Sirius. He leapt onto his back, making Sirius nearly jump out of his skin. Sirius yelled, “Help, I’m being mugged!” while James cackled like a madman, shouting, “Empty your pockets—now!”

Marlene and Remus just shook their heads. Marlene reckoned the summery weather was making her friends utterly bonkers. That, and the fact that they’d just finished their last exams, looking forward to a long, hopefully warm summer with no school in sight.

Marlene was fairly certain she’d done terribly on the maths exam. She cursed herself for picking maths as one of her A-Levels just because she’d refused to take physics. She was rubbish at maths.

It didn’t matter anyway—she couldn’t change her half-thought-out answers anymore. At least she could finally stop stressing all the time. Exactly what she needed.

“Do you actually have to work, or do you just hate motorsport?” she teased Remus.

“I really do have to work. I’ve signed up for a pre-college course and, well, I’ve got to pay for it somehow.”

“What kind of course?”

“Oh, it’s this thing you can do if you’ve got the right GCSE results. Just to get a bit of insight, I guess.”

“Sounds so grown-up.”

“It’s not. Mr Miller told me about it.”

“Where?”

“Durham.”

Marlene gasped. “That’s miles away!”

“I know. That’s why I’ve got to pay for travel and motel too.”

“Wow, why didn’t you tell us about this before?”

Remus shrugged. A few metres ahead of them, they could hear James and Sirius whooping as they chased each other across the courtyard. “I don’t even know if my results will be good enough. I might not get to go after all.”

“Of course you’ll get to go, don’t be silly,” Marlene smiled, tilting her head. “You’re more than good enough.”

Remus blushed, shaking his head.

They caught up to the others, who were already waiting at the bus stop. Lily stood with her arms crossed, raising an eyebrow at James and Sirius’s antics. Mary was chatting to a boy Marlene didn’t know, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. Dorcas stood with Ethan.

Marlene’s mood plummeted. Still, the thought of her and Dorcas borrowing some films to watch that evening, snuggled up with biscuits and hot chocolate like old times, cheered her up slightly.

She waited until Ethan said goodbye to Dorcas, which took ages. Ethan insisted on waiting with Dorcas, even though she’d reassured him several times that he could go home.

Stupid Ethan didn’t understand what “no” meant.

When the bus finally arrived and the Godric’s Hollow students climbed aboard, Marlene deliberately picked two seats at the back for her and Dorcas so they could talk undisturbed. Lately, they’d barely talked at all. Dorcas was spending far too much time with Ethan, and the breaks she insisted on spending with their friends weren’t enough for Marlene. She wanted more of Dorcas. More, more, more. It was good she’d have her to herself for the whole afternoon.

“Any idea what movie we should watch later?” Marlene asked, thinking of Star Wars or The Lord of the Rings.

Dorcas grimaced. “Shit, I knew I was forgetting something…”

“Don’t tell me you forgot we had plans today.”

From Dorcas’s guilty expression, Marlene could tell she had.

“I promised Ethan we’d go to that disco tonight. Shit. Okay, how about this: we watch the movie this afternoon, and then we’ll go to the disco after. Okay with that?”

No, for heaven’s sake, Marlene was not okay with that!

“We were going to do a movie night.”

“I know…” Dorcas sighed. “But think about it—disco, dancing, music. Doesn’t that sound like fun too? We can do the movie night another time.”

“How? When you spend every bloody day with Ethan?” Marlene snapped.

"Stop it, Marls. I’m trying really hard to include you."

"Great, so I can just tag along like a third wheel while you two lovebirds prance around? No, thanks." Marlene folded her arms and wished they were already in the village so she could get off this stiflingly hot bus.

"If you’d just stop acting like a sulking child, you’d realise that Ethan’s actually a nice guy who can be fun to hang out with," Dorcas shot back. She didn’t even raise her voice, which infuriated Marlene even more.

"A ‘nice guy who can be fun to hang out with’?!" Marlene mimicked her mockingly. "That’s ridiculous. You don’t even like him because he’s about as exciting as your gran’s weekly bingo night!"

Dorcas pressed her lips together. "I do like Ethan. I get that you’re angry because I can’t spend every single minute with you anymore. But you need to understand that I don’t belong to you. You don’t get to decide who I’m with just because you like them or not. I can make my own choices, thank you very much!"

"Well, you’ve got pretty terrible taste in boys, then!"

"You’re unbelievable. Look who’s talking! You hate every single guy who shows you even the slightest bit of attention!"

"That’s not true!"

"James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus being the exceptions," Dorcas fired back. "Name me one guy you don’t hate! You can’t stand Ethan; you couldn’t stand Tom. Honestly, I’m starting to think you’re just jealous of us girls because we all have boyfriends, and you don’t."

Marlene’s heart skipped a beat. She felt sick. Any second now, she’d break down into tears, she was sure of it. Only her anger held her together. Dorcas didn’t stop, though.

"Everyone’s happy for me and Ethan—except you. Why do you have to be so mean about it?!"

Marlene could have cried. Instead, she said back furiously, "You have no idea what you’re talking about! Go ahead and spend all your time with Ethan, snog him from morning till night, marry him for all I care! If it makes you happy, run off with him! Your parents wouldn’t care—they ran off too. Yeah, that’s right, take Ethan and disappear for good, see if I care!"

Unconsciously, she registered how her friends fell silent from their previously animated conversations. Even Marlene’s two annoying brothers had stopped pestering Gerald. She could feel at least six pairs of eyes on her. Her heart was still racing when the bus stopped shortly after, and Gerald let them off. Marlene didn’t move a muscle. Dorcas looked hurt, her eyes wide with disbelief. They were cold. Around them, shadowy figures passed by as other students got off the bus. They remained seated.

Marlene wished the seat would turn into a hole and swallow her along with all her mistakes.

Dorcas took a deep breath. Then she said tightly, "Maybe you’re just having a bad day. I hope you didn’t mean that. If you did, don’t speak to me again until you’ve come to your senses."

She stood up and left. Marlene sat there trembling. She didn’t understand what had just happened. She and Dorcas never fought. NEVER!

She heard Lily outside talking to Dorcas, trying to figure out what had happened. She heard Mary wondering aloud what they’d been arguing about.

Dimly, Marlene noticed someone sitting down in Dorcas’s seat. Her eyes were already brimming with tears. She let them fall as she leaned against Remus like a powerless, broken machine.

"Please don’t hate me."

"I couldn’t."

***

Later that afternoon, Marlene locked herself in her room. One of her brothers knocked on the door, pestering her. He wanted something—a comic book he claimed she’d stolen from him—but Marlene yelled back, “GO AWAY!”

She pulled the blanket over her body and buried her face in the pillow until she could barely breathe. She wanted to scream, but instead, she just cried and cried, mourning the fact that something was wrong with her, that she wasn’t normal.

Dorcas was her best friend and so much more, and Marlene felt like the worst person in the entire world. It felt like she’d lost something precious.

She sobbed for hours. Her mother came to call her for dinner, but Marlene insisted she wasn’t hungry. Her younger brother came to apologise, and Marlene was overwhelmed with guilt.

Eventually, she crawled out from under her stale-smelling blanket and sat down at her desk. She dug out her pink diary. (It was a gift from an uncle who clearly didn’t know that Marlene absolutely detested the colour pink.)

She began to write.

Dear Diary,

Just recently, I wrote about how Dorcas and Ethan were going on that double date with Lily and James. I know I lie to myself sometimes, and I have to admit that I did so on that day as well. I wrote that I was happy for her despite everything. I wrote about how the other girls always gush about kissing and all that rubbish, and how I mostly just sit there silently, wishing we could live in a time when boys weren’t even a topic of discussion.

But here’s what I left out: Every time I looked into her eyes and saw that little spark of joy, it felt like a knife twisting deeper into my heart. I was terrified someone would notice how hard I was trying not to burst into tears on the spot.

Lately, I feel this overwhelming urge to cry all the time—to cry and never stop crying. How can I look at myself in the mirror every morning and endure the sight of this deceitful, lying face? I know I’ve destroyed our friendship with my unforgivable behaviour. I don’t know how to make things right again.

Today, we had a terrible fight. I said awful things to her. I didn’t really mean them, but sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain, or my heart outruns my sense. It’s all my fault. I was really angry with her, and I think I still am. She was so furious—you should’ve seen her face...

If I believed in God or some higher power, I’d pray for the past few months to be erased, for Dorcas and me never to have argued. I look hopefully at the sky, but the air remains silent. So, since no one can help me, I’ll still do my best to make things right again.

***

30th May 1991

Dear Diary,

Dorcas and I properly talked for the first time in six days today. I had training. Afterwards, James and I wanted to grab some ice cream, and we happened to run into Dorcas and her dad. Believe it or not, Ethan wasn’t with her. It was so awkward. James chatted with Lucien, while Dorcas and I just stood there, unsure whether to ignore each other or not.

In the end, I asked her to hear me out. I had to sort this out—I couldn’t bear it any longer without her. Anyway, I apologised. I told her I hadn’t been myself, and that’s the truth. What I didn’t expect, but still appreciated so much, was that she apologised too. For what, though? She has nothing to apologise for—I know I acted like a lunatic.

I hope this means things between us are finally resolved. I don’t know if our friendship will ever go back to how it used to be, but at least now I can look at her without dying inside. I know it’s my fault. It’s not fair.

***

4th June 1991

Dear Diary,

It’s not easy to talk about what happened today. It makes me happy and sad at the same time, in a way so hopeless that I feel like burying my head in the sand forever.

Dorcas rang me today. She asked if I’d meet her by the lake to read together. I thought, why not? Things are still a bit shaky between us, especially when Ethan comes up, but she asked me, not him.

We met by Godric’s Lake. Thank goodness no one else was there—I wanted her to myself for once; it feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve had her just for me. The lake was beautiful. It was warm today. We sat by the shore and read our books. She was reading Jane Austen, I read in my football magazine.

But honestly? That’s a lie. I tried to concentrate on my pages—I really did. But how was I supposed to, with her sitting there, lit by the sun like a painting by an Impressionist artist, so radiant and sweet, like sunflowers in high summer? I couldn’t help myself; my eyes kept wandering to her, to her braided hair and the gold jewellery she now wears like her mum and grandmother.

She sat there, utterly absorbed, absently scratching her chin with her pen, and... I have to tell the truth. There’s no point in pretending. In that moment, all I wanted in the entire world was to reach out, take her hand—the one holding the pen—and feel each of her knuckles beneath my fingertips. That’s it. Nothing more.

I sat there, frozen, and thought just one thing: She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. And I’m risking the most precious thing in the world by staring at her like this—with love that’s far too dangerous to be the innocent love between two friends.

Every time I look at her, I feel like a poet writing the most beautiful and tender poems about her lover. I wish I could pick up a pen and put on paper what I feel when I’m near her. It’s as if I’m in a dream where nothing can hurt us. And every time reality catches up with us, it feels like someone pulls the plug on the TV, and the movie of our carefree life turns into a black screen where I see my own failure of a face staring back at me.

It’s not fair of me. I wish I knew a way out.

 ***

9th June 1991

Dear Diary,

If someone were to ask me what Dorcas means to me, my first thought would be: everything. What I feel for her lies beyond any range of emotions we know. But if I were to answer that person, the words coming out of my mouth would seem insignificant. Words like friendship, companionship, trust, love—what do they even mean when I say them aloud, but the person they’re about knows nothing of it?

Dorcas, sometimes I wish I could tell you everything that’s on my heart. I know I tell you more than I tell anyone else. But even then, it’s never the whole truth. The whole truth is far more complicated than you realise.

You once told me, drunk on Halloween, that you loved me. I don’t hold it against you. I was drunk too, and at the time, I didn’t understand what my own “Love you guys” would mean. But the moment you said it— “I love you too, Marls”—my heart stopped for a moment. People always say that their heart stopped for a second, but this was real. It truly stopped. It changed my life a little.

I constantly find myself in moments where I’m on the verge of saying things to you that I know I’ll regret later. It’s not easy to keep my mouth shut, I’ll tell you that. Often, I feel like I’m about to explode from all the unsaid words bottled up inside me. But it’s never as bad when it’s just you and me alone. I need to start being honest. And since I can’t bring myself to be honest with you face to face, I’ve created this imaginary version of you in my diary so I can tell you everything now.

I’ll start with the moment I realised I liked you differently than I like Mary or Lily or even the boys. And let me tell you, it was perhaps the most terrifying moment of my life. (And no, I’m not talking about Mary’s stupid idea that we should practice kissing with each other. When we kissed back then, I thought I might vomit any second because of all the overwhelming feelings, but I was too young to understand what was going on inside me.)

It was the day last summer when we went hiking with the others. It was so hot that I felt like I was going to pass out. You took off your T-shirt, so you were just wearing your bikini top. I noticed how Sirius and Peter tried their hardest not to stare. I rolled my eyes and thought, typical boys, but I was just as bad as them. For the rest of the hike, I had to work hard not to stare at you. I didn’t know why it suddenly felt so important that you didn’t notice me looking at you. If anything, my constant looking away every time you glanced at me probably made it more obvious.

That was the moment. That night, when we got back home, I locked myself in my room and banged my head against the door over and over like a lunatic, trying to drive you out of my thoughts. It was torture.

I want to tell you that I know I’m in love with you. God, writing it took so much courage—I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to say it to you in person. But here it is: I’m in love with you. You mean more to me than I could ever put into words.

But that’s not all. There’s one more thing I haven’t said. Something I can barely bring myself to think, let alone write down. Ask me how I want to spend my life, and I’ll tell you, without much hesitation… it’s you. You’re the one I want to spend my life with, from beginning to end—over and over again. I wouldn’t mind being stuck in a time loop if it meant being with you. You’re the one I’d want to be with.

Chapter Text

May 1991

After Sirius and his friends finished their GCSE exams in May, a sense of calm finally settled over them.

However, the fallout between Dorcas and Marlene left a bitter aftertaste. Sirius hadn’t even noticed how the situation had escalated so dramatically. One moment, they were all celebrating the end of the gruelling study period, and the next, the two best friends were snapping at each other like cats and dogs. It had gone from zero to one hundred in an instant.

On the way home, Sirius discussed the matter with Remus, who said it was only a matter of time before Marlene’s frustration with Ethan boiled over.

Apart from that, though, a welcome tranquillity returned to their lives.

Lily could joke with Sirius again without snapping at him to leave her alone to study. Peter’s fingernails finally grew back to a normal length after he stopped biting them from stress. James had more time for Sirius now that he wasn’t trying to play the overly diligent student making his parents proud.

At the end of May, Remus spent a week at Durham University. When he returned, he seemed positively enchanted. He spoke about the campus, the lectures he had attended, and the students he’d met as if it were a magical realm he had been lucky enough to glimpse.

Sirius tried not to worry about the inevitable future. Remus would want to go to university—possibly even Oxford, Durham, or another prestigious school. Sirius couldn’t begrudge him that. Remus had always been clear that he’d do anything to leave this place behind. He’d worked harder than anyone else, and it would only be fair for him to have the chance to say goodbye to Godric’s Hollow.

As a surprise for passing their exams, Monty bought three tickets to Silverstone. James was beside himself with excitement, thrilled at the chance to see Prost and Senna in the flesh. The weekend didn’t feel like a father-son activity where Sirius had kindly been invited along; it felt more like an outing with the men of the family, stuffing themselves with chips and cola while watching the thrilling race unfold.

The rest of May was relatively uneventful. It rained non-stop. One night, the rain was so heavy that the Lupins’ basement flooded, and the entire village spent the next day bailing water with buckets. Hope had baked cakes and brewed coffee for the helpers. She seemed like her old self again—cheerful, lively, and bouncing around like a rubber ball.

On the penultimate day of May, Marlene apologised to Dorcas, or Dorcas apologised to Marlene—Sirius wasn’t sure. James informed him that they had talked things through at length and everything was back to normal. James was immensely relieved, as he couldn’t stand it when his friends fought.

Naive James had no idea that the friendship between the girls had not returned to its former state. Marlene was still in love with Dorcas, and Dorcas remained oblivious. Marlene was trying her best, she confided to Sirius, but it was hard.

Sirius was on the verge of bombarding her with all the questions swirling in his mind, but he never found the courage.

***

7th June 1991

Sirius and James were playing football in the Potters’ garden. Lily and Mary were sitting on the veranda, painting each other’s nails. The sun shone brightly overhead.

Later, Peter and Remus were due to join them after finishing a tutoring session. After much pleading on Peter’s part, Remus had agreed to help him with maths, so he’d be prepared for the next school year. Peter had completely flunked his maths exam and was terrified of being expelled. Since Remus had quit his part-time job at the takeaway, he finally had more time for his friends.

James passed the ball to Sirius, but Sirius missed it entirely, letting it roll past him onto the veranda.

“Oi! Where’s your head at?” James called out.

Lily tossed the ball back to Sirius.

“You’re rubbish at kicking.”

“Yeah, sure, blame the almost-pro player!” Mary teased with a cheeky grin. “Just admit you’re no match for James.”

Sirius flipped her off. “Let’s take a break.”

“I’ve gotta keep practising, but you go ahead,” James replied, jogging over to retrieve the ball and performing a few dribbling drills around the cones they’d set up.

“Come here, doll, let’s make you all pretty!” Lily giggled, waving a bottle of nail polish invitingly.

Sirius snorted but joined the girls at the table.

“Which colour do you fancy—red or black?”

“Forget it, Mary. You’re not painting my nails.”

Mary pouted. “Please, please, pleeease.”

“No.”

“Black would look so good on you, though!” Lily chimed in. “Like a rock star.”

“Exactly. It’d go perfectly with that overgrown hair of yours. Add one of Remus’ cigarettes, and the look would be complete.”

“I could do with a cigarette…”

“Beauty salon first, cigarette after,” Lily said firmly.

“You don’t even have any.”

“But I can get you some. Petunia smokes.”

“She does?!”

“Mhm. Picked it up from Vernon. But don’t tell my parents. As far as they know, she’s still the perfect role model for me.” Lily rolled her eyes. Sometimes Sirius thought Lily might be the only one who truly understood his feelings about Regulus.

“Fine. One nail in exchange for a cigarette.”

“Deal!” Mary and Lily beamed.

“Which finger will it be?” Mary asked, suddenly all business.

Sirius held out his index finger. “And make it black.”

Mary got to work. The polish felt unexpectedly cool, but she applied it with impressive precision. She seemed pleased with herself.

“Lovely. Now, let’s do the other index finger.”

“We agreed on one.”

“You can’t walk around with just one painted nail! How ridiculous would that look?” Mary said indignantly. “Come on, I’m waiting.”

Sighing, Sirius offered her his other finger.

Before he knew it, Mary had painted his entire left hand, and Lily had done his right. Lily promised he’d earn an entire pack of cigarettes for his valiant participation. When Sirius held up his ten fingers in the sunlight, he thought the finished look wasn’t half bad. Maybe a whole pack of cigarettes was a bit too generous.

“Now, keep your hands perfectly still,” Mary instructed. “Or it’ll all be for nothing.”

“What’ll be for nothing?”

Sirius spun around. James approached the table, his forehead sweaty and his shin guards streaked with grass stains. He gave Lily a smacking kiss on the cheek.

“Looks nice, Padfoot,” he said as if it were the most normal thing in the world for his best mate to have his nails done.

“Wanna try too?” Mary asked teasingly.

James shrugged.

“Alright, why not?”

Mary and Lily could hardly contain their excitement. Once they were finished with James (he also chose black and declared that he and Sirius now belonged to a gang, with their nails as their signature mark), the girls were desperate to expand their new beauty salon and cut Sirius’ hair.

“Fat chance!” Sirius said, clutching his hair protectively as if shielding it from their scissors.

“We’ll just trim a tiny bit,” Lily promised.

“Just this much.” Mary held her fingers a centimetre apart.

“I’ve been growing it out on purpose,” Sirius admitted. He’d been growing it to annoy his mother.

Hair was a sensitive subject for Sirius. He made no secret of his obsession with it—he was determined to keep it at a length that defied his mother’s standards. He hadn’t been to a hairdresser in ages; they always cut more than he asked for, bribed by his mother with hefty tips. By now, his hair reached past his shoulders. He liked it long. The only thing that bothered him were the snide comments from boys claiming he looked like a girl. He didn’t look like a girl. He looked good. Cool.

But maybe it was time for a cut. He sighed.

“Fine. You can cut it to chin-length. But no shorter, got it?”

Mary nodded solemnly. “Got it. I’ll treat your hair like a deity.”

“It is a deity,” James said, stuffing a handful of crisps into his mouth and smudging his fresh nail polish. Lily scolded him.

After thirty minutes of careful hairdressing, Mary showed Sirius the result with a small hand mirror.

“Well?” she asked eagerly.

Sirius turned his head from side to side. His hair was noticeably shorter but not so short that he mourned the loss. His curls stood out more, and the ends felt wonderfully soft.

“Not bad,” he concluded.

Mary clapped her hands, grinning slyly. “Next time, I’m charging you a tenner.”

Remus and Peter arrived a few minutes later. Peter cracked a bad joke when he saw Sirius, “Who’s that sitting in Sirius’ usual spot?”

“Ha-ha,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “Compliment me or move along.”

“Looks good,” Remus said candidly. “Very cool.” His eyes twinkled as they scanned Sirius’ head. Sirius ran a hand through his hair, suddenly self-conscious.

“You think so?”

“Mhm,” Remus hummed, with the faintest hint of a smile. Sirius’s stomach flipped, and he quickly looked away.

They soon started a rather hectic round of poker, but Sirius attention was slipping further and further away. It was unbearable to sit so close to the other boy, close enough to hear Remus’s soft breathing. When they both rested their arms on the chair’s armrest, their skin almost touched. Sirius couldn’t stop glancing at the tiny gap between them—mere inches separating skin from skin.

When Mary cracked a joke and Remus laughed, Sirius observed the way his Adam’s apple bobbed with each chuckle. He noticed the laugh lines forming at the corners of his mouth, the way his collarbone peeked out slightly from his T-shirt, and the sparkle in his eyes when he was amused. Sirius noticed everything: the way Remus licked his lips before speaking, the way he scratched his ear and left a faint red mark.

Sirius’s gaze travelled over Remus’s side from head to toe. Nothing escaped him—not the occasional sound of Remus clearing his throat, nor the sarcastic raise of his eyebrow when Peter said something stupid. Sirius noticed how his leg bounced nervously whenever money became the topic of conversation.

Sirius thought he’d be able to describe every detail about this person if asked—Remus’s sun-kissed skin dotted with faint freckles, his slightly crooked front tooth, the warm brown of his eyes.

As the others chatted and laughed, Sirius’s mind wandered further from reality, becoming entirely consumed by Remus. He observed the sharp lines of his cheekbones and let himself get lost in them. Wasn’t that insane? Sirius must have lost his mind.

He felt Mary’s gaze on him. When he glanced at her, she narrowed her eyes almost imperceptibly. She’d noticed him staring. Sirius couldn’t bear it any longer. Feeling far too hot, he told the group he was going to check if Effie had any ice left in the freezer.

“She doesn’t, mate!” James called after him, but Sirius was already retreating into the cool interior of the house.

He feared he might start hyperventilating at any moment. What had just happened?! Had he developed some kind of obsession with the boy? Desperate to clear his head, Sirius stuck it under the cold tap, letting water pour over his face—over his nose, his eyes, his mouth, his chin.

Please, wash away this obsession along with it, he thought miserably.

***

13th June 1991

Sirius didn’t have time to dwell on his distorted thoughts. He knew that whatever lay dormant inside him was wrong and inappropriate. After much introspection, he realised it was longing. Or desire. Or yearning. Maybe it was all the same, and Sirius was just confused. He was undoubtedly confused. He needed a distraction.

Luckily, Monty planned to build a small wooden jetty for his rowing boat by the lake. Sirius and James were quick to volunteer their help. Finally, something to do—finally, a distraction.

Unfortunately, early summer had chosen rain, rain, and more rain, but that didn’t stop the three of them from slogging through the mud to take the initial measurements.

“We buy the wood from Xeno,” Monty mused aloud. Back inside, they sat at the kitchen table with three steaming cups of coffee. Sirius didn’t particularly like coffee, but it felt grown-up, much like the whole DIY project. The radio played old rock songs, and the fridge hummed softly in the background. “But we’ll need varnish to protect the wood from rain. And steel for the substructure.”

“Where do we get that?” James asked, his glasses speckled with raindrops.

“At the hardware store, obviously.”

“Perfect, shall we go right away?” Sirius suggested. Monty glanced at the clock.

“I’ve got an important call with the lawyer coming up. But I’ll be free tomorrow. What about you?”

Sirius and James exchanged looks. They’d spent most of their holidays lounging around.

“I think we can squeeze it into our packed schedules,” James replied. “I’ll ask Lils if she and the girls want to help us out.”

Monty nodded. “Ask Peter and Remus, too.”

Fucking hell.

“Sure thing.” James grinned broadly. “This is gonna be brilliant. Remus could probably build the thing by himself.” He laughed, but Sirius’s enthusiasm waned as his stomach churned again.

***

15th June 1991

Quite a crowd ended up tagging along to the hardware store. James invited Lily, who then told Mary, and while Remus didn’t have the time, Peter insisted on coming. This resulted in the six of them cramming into Monty’s car.

The trip took nearly two hours, even though all they really needed was paint, some nails, and materials for the framework. But Lily and Mary had never been to a hardware store before.

“Come again, Evans? Never?!” Sirius exclaimed.

“No, Black. When our dads go to this place, they don’t usually bring us along.”

The girls spent what felt like an eternity in front of the towering shelves, asking about a hundred questions about various tools and gadgets.

By the fourth question about power drills, Sirius began to suspect that the two of them were having far too much fun annoying him with their feigned cluelessness. They were particularly captivated by the gardening section.

On the drive back, Sirius found himself crammed in the boot alongside three potted plants, a sack of soil, a handful of metal stakes, and the bucket of paint, while Mary and Lily got to ride in the front.

Well.

The next day, the rain finally stopped, and Monty decided it was time to get to work. They met down by Godric’s Lake – the original trio, Lily, Mary, and Peter – to divvy up tasks.

“Right, listen up,” Monty said, pointing to his blueprint. “This is how I’m planning to build it. Simple and straightforward. We can do that, can’t we?”

Mary let out an enthusiastic “Whoop!” while Monty continued.

“Alright, James and Sirius, you’ll help me with the steel framework. Lily and Mary, you can set up the workbench and start sanding the first planks for the dock. Peter, how about you hand us tools as needed? Cheers.”

Monty was a patient teacher, but James and Sirius were clumsy learners at best. Neither of them had much aptitude for DIY projects, let alone any real technical knowledge. Every time Monty asked one of them to pass a protractor or a specific socket wrench, it took ages for them to figure out which tool he meant. Peter wasn’t much help either.

“What should we do once we’ve set up the workbench?” Lily asked Monty, rubbing her palms clean on her overalls. She wore a blue headband to keep her red hair out of her face.

“Best if two of you check on Remus and see if he needs help carrying the wood,” Monty replied.

“James and Sirius will go!” Mary decided immediately, snatching the wrench from Sirius’ hand.

“Why?!” Sirius protested.

“Because you clearly have no idea what you’re doing. Let the girls handle it.”

Lily giggled, took the screws from James, kissed him on the cheek, and skipped off to join Mary, who was already standing next to Monty, waiting for instructions.

“This is outrageous!” Sirius grumbled. “They’ve ousted us from our post!”

“I know,” James sighed. “Ruthless, aren’t they? But to be fair, they did set up the workbench pretty quickly.”

Sirius huffed irritably. He didn’t fancy trekking all the way back to help Remus lug heavy planks of wood. He didn’t fancy encountering Remus at all, really. The thought of seeing him, his dirt-streaked shirt, messy curls, and mischievous smile—it was almost unbearable.

“You alright?” James nudged Sirius with his elbow.

“Mhm.”

“Still sulking about losing the job to the girls? Chin up, Padfoot. Plenty more work to do, eh?”

“Mhm.”

The search for Remus took ages. Xeno Lovegood had no idea where he might be, saying Remus was usually tending to the hay around this time. First, Xeno sent them to the hayloft, and when they returned empty-handed, he directed them to the pasture, where Remus was supposedly fixing a broken fence.

No sign of Remus on the pasture. The midday sun blazed relentlessly, wasps buzzed loudly around them, and the stench of manure hung heavy in the air.

Sirius was growing increasingly irritable. He was ready to head back and report that they hadn’t found him, but James insisted on checking the cowshed.

“I’ve got a hunch he’s there.”

Finally, they found Remus sitting cross-legged against the wall, peacefully dozing as the cows munched their feed around him.

Sirius couldn’t help but notice that Remus was indeed wearing a dirt-smudged T-shirt, his curls wild and untamed from work. His face, however, held a rare expression of serenity. Sirius could’ve stared at him like this forever.

But James, ever the disruptor, waved his hand dramatically in front of Remus’ closed eyes, snapping Sirius out of his thoughts.

“So, this is how he spends his time at work,” James said, clicking his tongue and shaking his head affectionately.

Remus blinked awake slowly, his forehead wrinkling in confusion. When he realised James’ grinning face was inches from his own, he flinched back.

“Morning, sunshine!” James greeted him cheerfully. “Have a good nap?”

“Jesus, Potter,” Remus muttered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “For a second, I thought you were Xeno!”

“And how would he feel about you napping instead of working?” Sirius chimed in.

“He’s too stoned to notice I’m gone… Bloody hell, what time is it?”

“Not too late, don’t worry,” James reassured him, offering a hand to pull him to his feet. Remus brushed hay off his clothes. “We thought we’d check on you. We need the wood.”

“Oh, right. Shit.”

Without another word, Remus disappeared into a small room near his old sleeping spot, reappearing moments later with a key in hand.

“Xeno keeps the wood in the shed.”

The three of them crossed the yard to a ramshackle shed, where Remus switched on a light and pulled back a tarp to reveal long wooden planks.

“So, the rumours about Xeno Lovegood being a stoner are true, then?” Sirius said with a grin.

“Yup. Smokes about two grams a day.”

“Think he’d sell us some of his stash?”

Remus hefted a plank and handed it to Sirius.

“Sure, if you’ve got cash. He’s trying to expand his customer base, which is why he keeps pushing it on me.” He handed Sirius another plank. “Cas buys her weed from him, too.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, but it was James who asked incredulously, “Cas smokes cannabis?”

Remus snorted, a lopsided grin on his face.

“The way you say it— ‘she smokes cannabis’… All the girls do it from time to time.”

James opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally declaring, “But not Lils. She’s way too sensible.”

"Nah, she joins us when we meet up."

While James processed what was, to him, clearly shocking news, Sirius realised what Remus had just implied.

“You smoke as well?!”

Remus placed another plank on the stack Sirius was already balancing on his arms. Sirius had to crane his neck to meet Remus’s eyes. He swallowed. Remus shrugged a shoulder.

“Yeah, sometimes. But not very often. When I’ve got a migraine, the weed calms my head down. And, of course, it has some other nice effects.” He grinned, showing his teeth. Sirius gave himself a mental shove and stepped aside so James could take his turn receiving the planks.

On the way back, Sirius tried to convince Remus to share his stash next time.

“Why did you never ask us if we want to try it!”

“I just thought you weren’t interested, that’s all,” Remus justified himself.

“Of course I’m interested!” Sirius exclaimed, causing the wood in his arms to wobble dangerously. He shifted his weight to steady it again. “I can’t believe everyone smokes except me and James!”

“Pete wouldn’t touch it in a million years…” James murmured absentmindedly. Sirius clinked his wood against James’s pile.

“Stop sulking just because Evans hasn’t told you everything about herself yet.”

“She’s probably tried it once or twice, that’s all,” Remus reassured him with a sideways glance at James. He was pushing a wheelbarrow full of the remaining wood. “Nothing worth mentioning. Like I said, Cas is the one who usually has some weed around. So, if you’re interested, just ask her to share some.”

***

17 June 1991

Dorcas wasn’t exactly generous with her weed stash, but she did share some with Sirius since it was his first time.

“This is a one-off. If you want a joint, you’ll have to learn to roll it yourself.”

She showed him how to do it. Sirius thought Remus used a similar technique when rolling his cigarettes.

Being high felt like being drunk, maybe even better. It was like floating, though he had no idea what floating actually felt like. Dorcas laughed at him when he got so hungry that he ran straight to the kitchen and begged Lucien for a ham toastie.

They spent the whole day in Dorcas’s room, doing absolutely nothing. Dorcas did most of the talking while Sirius, in his hazy state, tried to respond appropriately. He had to consciously control the muscles in his face to make sure his expressions matched what she was saying—raising his eyebrows, widening his eyes, or pulling his mouth into a thoughtful grimace.

Dorcas talked about Ethan, but Sirius tuned out. His thoughts drifted to the pier, which had been put on hold due to bad weather. The last few days had been spent finishing the substructure. There were some issues with the steel, which meant Monty and Sirius had to make another trip to the hardware store.

Sirius thought about Remus a lot. How he’d slept in the cowshed. How he’d handed Sirius the planks one by one. How he pushed the wheelbarrow. His tensed muscles. His white T-shirt clinging to his arms. How he worked confidently at the lake, handling tools like he’d built a hundred piers before. How he splashed lake water on his face. How he’d caught Sirius staring and raised a questioning eyebrow.

Sirius thought about Remus too much.

Dorcas snapped him back to reality. “Helloooo, are you even listening to me? Honestly, that weed’s made quite an impression on you.”

Right, the weed. That’s why Sirius was so distracted.

“Sorry, uh, what were you just saying?”

“I said…”

But it was no use. Sirius’s thoughts drifted off again. Dorcas was talking about Marlene, saying she was glad they’d made up. At least, Sirius thought that’s what she said. He was too busy trying to banish the image of Remus’s biceps from his head.

***

22th June 1991

The sun was beating down with full force that day. The air was thick with an oppressive heat, threatening to break into a thunderstorm at any moment. Storm weather.

Monty, James, Sirius, and Remus were working by the lake, sweat dripping down their necks as insects buzzed aggressively around them. The pier was beginning to take proper shape. The crossbeams supported the main beams securely, and the decking boards were nailed into place.

Monty and Remus worked in a rhythm they’d developed over the past few days. Monty valued Remus’s mathematical understanding and spatial reasoning. In many ways, the two of them were the project leads, while James and Sirius played the role of amateur labourers, screwing everything together.

By the afternoon, Monty suggested calling it a day due to the heat.

“Effie’s got some refreshing drinks waiting for us,” he said, starting to pack up his toolbox with James.

“So close to the finish line?” Sirius let his shoulders slump in disappointment. “All we’ve got left is applying the wood preservative.”

“We’ll do that next weekend,” Monty said. “Unlike you lads, I’ve got a job to go to.”

Sirius’s eyes flicked to Remus, who was inspecting a wonky post holder. Remus had to work every day at Theodore’s shop and help Xeno with farm chores, yet he still found time to pitch in.

“I’m not tired yet,” Sirius stated firmly. He was determined to finish the pier.

"I am," James yawned. "Barely slept, and I’ve still got training tonight. I’m calling it a day."

"Lightweight," Sirius teased.

After some convincing, father and son finally agreed that Sirius could stay to finish up the details.

"But you’re coming, Moony?"

Remus shook his head. "Er, no thanks, Prongs. I’ll stay and help Sirius. Someone’s got to make sure he doesn’t fall into the lake."

"Probably for the best," James grinned. "Alright, you two, don’t overdo it. Make sure to drink plenty of water."

"Yes, Mum," Sirius said with an exaggerated eyeroll.

"And be back before dark, my dear children!"

"No promises!"

"Be careful!" James called as he walked off, tripping over a protruding root.

"You be careful!" Sirius laughed after him.

Once father and son were out of sight, Sirius attempted to pry open the lid of the wood stain, which proved to be more challenging than he had anticipated.

"Can you give me a hand with this post?" came Remus’s voice from the middle of the pier. Sirius walked over.

"What’s the problem?"

"Someone didn’t hammer the nails in properly, and now the post isn’t sitting right. I’m worried it won’t hold up in strong winds."

Sirius didn’t mention that he and James had worked on that very post just a few days ago.

"Alright, what do you need me to do?"

"Pull while I push."

Sirius did as instructed.

"Okay, now hold it," Remus directed, grabbing a tool to remove a crooked nail from the wood. Once he’d done that, he took a new nail and hammered it securely into place.

Sirius watched his clever fingers, the tendons shifting beneath the skin on the back of his hands. His gaze wandered to Remus’s focused face; his eyes locked on his task. Sirius caught a whiff of him—woodsy and suncream—so close that he could feel the warmth of Remus’s proximity despite the slight distance.

At the same time, Sirius realised it wasn’t normal for a boy to be this fascinated by his best friend. Suddenly, it was too much. He cleared his throat, let go of the post, and took a few steps back.

"You can handle the rest on your own. I’ll grab the stuff for staining," he said quickly, his heart beating faster than usual as he hurried back to the shore. Oh God, he thought, horrified. Why does just being near him send him into a spiral like this?

While staining the wood, Sirius made a point of keeping as much distance between himself and Remus as possible. He worked at the edge of the pier, close to the water, while Remus worked near the shore. They worked in silence, the only sounds the occasional grunt of effort and the rhythmic strokes of their brushes against the wood. The heat was overwhelming, the air heavy with humidity, sweat trickling down their necks.

Sirius noticed Remus repeatedly wiping sweat from his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper. Was he insane, wearing a jumper in this heat? Sirius had discarded his own T-shirt ages ago, tossing it onto the pile with the rest of his belongings. Watching Remus struggle in the thick wool irritated him. He snapped at him,

"Just take the bloody jumper off if you’re so hot."

Remus looked up, startled.

"You’re going to have heatstroke any minute. James would lose his mind."

"I didn’t realise my jumper was bothering you so much," Remus muttered.

"It’s not," Sirius huffed. "I just don’t fancy calling an ambulance because of you. I’d have to be the one looking after you, not the other way around."

Remus hesitated before finally pulling the jumper over his head. Sirius quickly focused on the wooden planks beneath him.

"See? There you go," he muttered.

Another ten minutes of silence passed, filled only with the irregular swish of brushes on wood. Sirius’s thoughts, however, were filled with the sight of Remus’s bare torso.

Why did it bother him so much that Remus wasn’t wearing a shirt? He didn’t care when James or Peter did the same. It annoyed him that he had to concentrate on his own hands to stop his eyes from drifting to the source of his frustration.

Eventually, Sirius called it quits earlier than planned. The pier was far from fully stained, but he figured he could finish the details with James first thing in the morning, before the sun climbed too high in the sky.

Remus seemed puzzled by the abrupt end but didn’t say anything. He helped Sirius pack up the tools and carry them back to the Potters’ house.

They parted ways with brief words. Sirius was desperate to get under a cold shower. He told himself that his racing heart, his deliberate avoidance, his heated reactions, and the constant feeling of losing his mind around Remus meant nothing.

Whatever this longing was, it would pass. It had to pass, and it couldn’t mean anything. It mustn’t mean anything. Hadn’t he sworn in the darkness of Remus’s room to do better for the sake of their friendship? He would never let the longing win. He couldn’t let it win, because everything would fall apart if he acted the way he sometimes did in his dreams.

In those soft, wonderful dreams, far from harsh reality. Skin on skin. The scent of orange in the air. Gentle breaths. The playful smile on Sirius’s lips and the contented glow in Remus’s eyes.

But no matter how beautiful those dreams were, the shame that followed was unbearable. It dragged him back to the cold, hard truth without sparing his feelings. Oh, the shame. How cruelly it toyed with his conscience.

At dinner, Sirius’s entire body was tense. He flinched when Effie asked him to pass the water jug. He was distracted while James and Monty chatted about James’s training.

Later, on the way to the bathroom, James confronted him.

"Is something going on?"

Sirius mustered his best effort to sound convincing: "Nope, all good."

James gave him a sceptical look. "Something with Remus?"

"No, James, everything’s fine. Really. Just tired."

"If you say so…"

Normally, they brushed their teeth together in the bathroom before heading to one of their rooms for a chat. But Sirius wasn’t in the mood.

"I’ll brush later," he explained flatly as James held the bathroom door open expectantly. "Got a presentation to prepare." He started walking away, but James called after him,

"Sirius, wait." Sirius stopped. "Are you sure everything’s alright?" James’s concern was written all over his face. "Is it about Regulus? Do you miss him?"

Of course Sirius missed his brother! A lifetime of brotherly love torn apart, and now they were strangers.

"It’s nothing," Sirius repeated. "Just the presentation and the exhaustion. You should focus on what you’re getting Lily for your four-month anniversary."

James’s face morphed into one of sheer surprise.

"You’re supposed to celebrate four months?"

"Obviously."

"Bloody hell. I haven’t prepared anything! I hope she’ll settle for something small." James was lost in thought, mumbling to himself, "Maybe I’ll do a picnic. She likes the outdoors. Mum might have some treats I can use… Or I could write her a card? Nothing too big, but I could still express my gratitude… When even is our four-month anniversary?"

Sirius shrugged. "Mate, that’s your job to know."

James scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "You’re right. What do you think about flowers?"

"Uh, mate, I really need to get started on this thing for tomorrow. Whatever you plan, Lily’ll love it. Honestly. She’s absolutely head over heels for you."

James’s eyes widened. "She told you that?"

"No, but I have to sit through you two lovebirds on the bus every morning. Trust me, there’s no doubt."

"At least we’re not as bad as Pete with his Joanna," James said. "He’s desperate for us to visit her in Bristol this summer. Has he told you? Maybe we’ll go in August after Marls gets back from her football camp."

"If he insists."

Maybe a change of scenery would clear Sirius’s mind. A break from the village might do him good.

Finally, he went to his room, crawled under the covers, and turned off the light. He listened to Effie’s warm laughter echoing from the kitchen. She and Monty were washing up, and soon they’d settle in the living room to watch the news until Monty inevitably fell asleep snoring.

He closed his eyes, letting the familiar atmosphere lull him to sleep.

He dreamt of Remus. Who else? Even in sleep, Remus gave him no peace. Even in sleep, Sirius questioned everything about himself and his friendship with him.

But no, he would never act in real life as he did in his dreams.

Chapter Text

2nd July 1991

“Got everything packed for the hike?”

“Yup.”

“Water bottle?”

“Check.”

“Snacks?”

“Check.”

“Sunscreen?”

“Already applied.”

“Better take some with us. You know how sensitive Peter’s skin is.”

“Alright. Sunscreen – check.”

Sirius watched the scene unfolding before him with amusement. Lily and James were sitting at the table, Lily hunched over a cup of tea, James with a rucksack balanced on his lap. Lily was going through her mental list of things they’d need for their trip, while James checked to make sure they hadn’t forgotten anything. The dynamic between them reminded Sirius of an old married couple.

When he voiced his thought, Lily replied, “Just because we’re organised, unlike you. Are you sure you’ll manage with that little bag of yours?” She nodded towards Sirius’ already-shouldered rucksack.

It contained everything he deemed necessary for a three-hour hike: water, a meat-paste sandwich, a comic book (in case he got bored), a football magazine (in case James got bored), Peter’s insect spray, Peter’s tissues, and Peter’s water bottle. (Yes, he was sharing a rucksack with Peter.) Sirius tried to catch James’s attention by rolling his eyes meaningfully at Lily’s excessive fussing, but James clearly thought her concern was justified.

“There’s plenty in here,” he said lightly, only slightly disappointed with his best friend. Lily sighed,

“You’d better not come running to us complaining you’re hungry. I’ve told you a hundred times to pack more food.”

“Alright, Mummy. I’ll grab another banana. Happy now?”

“Always, just as long as you’re happy. Oh, and the camera!”

“Check,” said James.

Once Lily had ticked everything off her list and Sirius had added two bananas to his bag, the three of them set off to meet the others down by Remus’ place. They were late, so everyone else was already there waiting.

“Took you long enough,” was Mary’s greeting as they arrived. She was lounging in the shade.

“Sorry, you know what the boys’re like.” Lily gestured behind her at James and Sirius.

“Well, at least we’re all here now,” Dorcas said. “Shall we get going?”

“Hang on,” Lily called, hurrying over to James and searching in his rucksack. “Let’s take a quick photo.”

A collective groan followed, but Lily eventually managed to corral the reluctant group into a pose that fit everyone in the frame. Sirius found himself squeezed between Marlene and Remus. He took great care not to touch the other boy. Every hair on his arms stood on end when Remus’ bare skin brushed his for the briefest moment. Sirius barely registered Lily’s cheerful “Say cheese!”

Lily snapped away merrily throughout the hike. She caught Peter pulling a ridiculous face, Mary blowing a kiss, Dorcas and James laughing against a tree during a break, and Remus and Marlene dutifully smiling at the camera on her command.

The sky was cloudless, the landscape picture-perfect, as though it had been painted into reality. Everything seemed cheerful – the mood, the trees, the birds, the brook. Even Peter, after a sharp word from Sirius, only complained about his aching calves every twenty minutes. Sirius had snapped that Peter was welcome to carry the heavy rucksack, and that had shut him up.

Marlene and Dorcas entertained themselves with a game of Never have I ever. They led the group, their laughter carrying back to the others. Perhaps things between them would turn out alright after all.

Sirius, James, Lily, and Remus formed a smaller group. James had brought along a book on native bird species, and they made a game of who could identify birds the fastest.

“That one’s obviously a magpie,” James claimed, pointing to a black and white bird vanishing behind a treetop.

“Nah, that’s a lapwing.” Sirius corrected, grabbing the book. “Or is it a crow?”

“They’re the same, see?” Remus’ breath brushed against Sirius’ left ear as he leaned in to tap the page. Sirius held his breath. “There, same species, just on the next page.”

Sirius made a noncommittal grunt and handed the book to Lily quickly.

He would’ve loved to distract himself with something else to escape the group’s dynamic, but he had no desire to join Mary and Peter’s conversation about dinosaurs. Mary looked like she was dying of boredom. Marlene and Dorcas were too far ahead.

Sirius stayed, gradually withdrawing from the bird-identifying contest. Lost in thought, he only noticed when he glanced up that he and Remus were now walking alone. A quick look over his shoulder confirmed that James and Lily had fallen far behind, evidently engrossed in photographing some particularly spectacular bird.

“Got any plans for the summer?” Remus asked out of thin air.

“Hm, what?”

“Plans? For the summer? Haven’t asked you yet.”

“Oh, right.” Sirius cleared his throat. “Not really. Just the visit in Bristol. Bloody Bristol. Can’t think of a more exciting destination.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Been there?”

“No.”

“There you go.”

“My Dad went once, sent a postcard. Looked alright with the river and all.”

“I’m positively thrilled for the city tour Lily’s bound to make us do.”

Remus’ lips twitched. “Firstly, Lily’s not coming; she’s off to France with her family. Secondly, you’re just jealous that your boyfriend has a girlfriend now.”

Sirius’ heart skipped. He snapped his head towards Remus, but the boy was clearly joking. Even so, Sirius couldn’t suppress his annoyance.

“James isn’t my boyfriend.”

“I know that, obviously.” Remus raised an eyebrow. “But now he’s got less time for you because of her, and it bothers you.”

“It doesn't,” Sirius grumbled. “I happen to live with him. I’ve enough of him.”

“Sure, at home. Because Lily doesn’t live there. But at school they’re practically glued to each other. And don’t try denying it bugs you, because I’ve seen you sulking about it.”

“I do not sulk!”

Remus laughed. “Yes you do. Rosie didn’t pout as much as you do at New Year’s.”

Sirius’ irritation flared. What gave him the right to say that? Sirius wasn’t jealous—why did people always assume that?

“You’re doing it again,” Remus teased.

“Only because you’re being annoying.”

“Oh, so our roles are reversed now, are they? How does it feel?” Remus was being oddly playful but Sirius ignored him anyway and strode ahead.

They reached a small clearing where the grass grew taller than elsewhere. Good thing Peter had remembered the insect spray. The others were little more than specks in the distance now, too far away to tell who was who. Lily and James were still lagging behind. For all intents and purposes, Sirius and Remus could’ve been the last two people on Earth. The sense of intimacy was unbearable. Sirius was excruciatingly aware of every movement—his own, Remus’, and even the forest’s.

The worst part about deciding never to act as he did in his dreams was forgetting how to act in Remus’ presence instead.

Sirius could feel Remus watching him. After a moment, Remus said, “James mentioned he thinks you’ve been acting a bit off lately. I chalked it up to your mood swings, but now…” He frowned, his tone turning serious. “Is something bothering you?”

Sirius sighed, his hand brushing the tops of the grass. 

It was no use. His friends would never leave him alone if he kept feeding them the same old lie. Quickly, he scrambled for a plausible excuse. “It’s just… you know, Reggie and all that. I can’t get him out of there. I wouldn’t even know what to do with him if I did get him out. The Potters aren’t exactly running an orphanage…”

“Do your parents treat him like they treated you?”

“No! Not anymore, anyway,” Sirius said hastily. “It’s just everything else. They’re trying to mould him, make him fit their image. They tried that with me too.”

Remus remained silent for a long time. One thing Sirius appreciated about him was his tendency to think before he spoke. Everything Remus said was deliberate and considered. Sirius was the complete opposite, which had been a burden to him more than once. He was like a dog that barked, or in the worst case: like a dog that bit.

“You can’t force him to leave,” Remus said. “Regulus is his own person. He makes his own choices. You’ve done your best.” He glanced at Sirius. “Maybe it’s time to accept that there’s nothing more you can do.”

Yes, yes, yes. Sirius had already internalised this ages ago! He nodded several times, then, realising he might be overdoing it, said, “Yeah, you’re right. Reggie’s his own person. Very mature advice, honestly. You should become a teacher. The students would love your little pearls of wisdom, especially the ones with crap parents.”

Remus frowned. “O-kay.” They walked in silence for a bit before he added, “And there’s nothing else?”

“No.”

“Alright.”

Sirius would never admit the real reason for his constant brooding. That secret would go to his grave with him. He only hoped this obsession would fade soon, that whatever feeling he felt near Remus would change into how it had felt before.

***

07th July 1991

Sirius had been on his way to Mary’s birthday party when, at the last moment, he realised he’d forgotten her gift. He’d told James he’d fetch it and come back later. The stupid part? He hadn’t left the gift in his new room but in his old one. At Grimmauld Place. A place he hadn’t set foot in for months.

Not wanting to show up without a present (Mary considered gifts a sort of entry fee for her parties), he steeled himself and made his way to his old home. His entire body was tense. His breath came in shallow bursts. Sweat was starting to bead on his forehead. In his mind, he laid out a plan for how he’d sneak into his room unnoticed. Hadn’t he done it countless times before? Climb the tree, edge across the porch roof, and he’d be inside. If the window wasn’t open, well, he’d just have to break it with a stone.

But now, here he was, rooted to the spot. He’d made it as far as the long driveway before noticing Walburga’s car. She was stepping out, as wiry and elegant as ever. Sirius’s feet carried him forward, up the driveway. The distance seemed to stretch endlessly, and for a moment, he forgot why he was even there.

Standing directly in front of the car, Walburga looked up. Her eyes widened.

“What are you doing here?!”

She hadn’t changed a bit. Not surprising, really—it had only been months, not years. Sirius shrugged, unable to muster more than that.

“You do realise we explicitly forbade you from setting foot on our property?”

“I haven’t seen you in so long…” Sirius blurted out.

“Pah!” Walburga scoffed incredulously. “And whose fault do you suppose that is?”

“Is Reggie here?”

“Stop talking to me. Leave.”

“He wasn’t in school for two weeks before the holidays. Is he all right?”

“He’s been doing an internship at your fathers,” she replied curtly.

“So he’s doing well, then?” Sirius muttered, more to himself than to Walburga.

“Unlike you, he’s been doing well his entire life,” she hissed contemptuously. Slamming the car door shut, she paused. Her face adopted an expression Sirius had never seen before—thoughtful, almost reflective. “You know, I just don’t understand. We treated you both the same from birth. Sent you to the same prep schools, hired the same tutors, set the same rules, and yet you—every single time—you let us down.”

Sirius swallowed hard, clenching his fists so tightly that his nails dug into his palms. “You live such a miserable life, and you don’t even realise it.”

Walburga pursed her lips. “I don’t care if you think I’m a terrible person, Sirius, I’m still your mother, and I will always be your mother. I’ll admit we made a mistake with you. We should’ve been much stricter, much sooner. It’s too late now.” Her eyes swept over him from head to toe. “I had a feeling about you from the start—that you’d never amount to anything.”

It was like being slapped across the face. Walburga’s eyes remained locked on his, unrelenting. And then she said something that would haunt Sirius for the rest of his life:

“Do you know what you are, Sirius? What you’ve always been? It’s written across your forehead like a neon sign. You are nothing but wasted potential.”

She turned away, leaving him standing there as if he’d been dismissed.

Sirius didn’t go to the party. Instead, he wrote Mary a terse note of apology and slid it under the door of her house.

***

17th July 1991

On this Saturday evening, they were sitting by the old oak tree—well-filled with beer and still satisfied from Effie’s delicious Murgh Makhan. Mary spent the whole evening trying to convince them to head to the disco in Dornfield. Since Mary was not someone easily deterred from her spur-of-the-moment ideas, her tipsy suggestion quickly evolved into an actual plan crafted in their brilliant, young, and above all, inebriated minds.

“How’re we going to get there?” Peter asked nervously.

“By bus, of course!” Mary exclaimed.

“Great, so Gerald snitches on us to our parents tomorrow,” Marlene remarked.

“Bikes?” James suggested with a shrug.

“I’d rather call a taxi,” Remus murmured.

Sirius frowned. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“At least I’d get there tonight,” Remus shot back.

“Please take me with you, Remus!” Marlene pleaded.

“Me too!” added Dorcas.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Sure, if you chip in.”

Marlene was already looking for her wallet, but Lily interjected, “Wait, we’re not taking a taxi—we can’t afford it. And like Sirius said, where’s the fun in that? Getting to town is already half the fun.”

“Uhh, how daring,” Mary teased enthusiastically. “I hardly recognise you, girl.”

Lily’s cheeks turned red. “Let’s take the bikes. It’s not that far.”

Peter looked anything but thrilled. “How long does it take?”

“With you slowing us down, probably four hours,” Sirius quipped.

“Easy, Sirius,” James chided. “Don’t worry, no more than one.”

At least five people groaned.

“I can’t wait until we’re old enough to afford a taxi,” Dorcas muttered.

“You could always stay over at your darling boyfriend’s,” Mary teased her suggestively. “That’d save you the ridde back.”

Dorcas ignored her. Marlene cleared her throat and said, “Does everyone even have a bike? Mine’s got a flat tyre.”

“I’ve got a spare—it’s in great shape,” James offered. “Sirius’s bike is in our garage too.”

“Mine’s broken, but I’ll just borrow Petunia’s…” Lily mused aloud. “She’ll get it back in time to go to Vernon’s tomorrow.”

Since no one raised any further objections, the group split up to fetch their bikes, agreeing to meet at the bus stop in ten minutes.

As James, Marlene, and Sirius ambled to the Potters’ shed, Sirius felt that familiar tingle of nervous excitement he loved so much. He was about to do something drastic, something wild, something against the rules.

When they regrouped, Peter was the only one wearing a helmet. Sirius spent a good fifteen minutes mocking him for it. What a mama’s boy.

Twilight had already deepened as they pedalled past familiar landmarks they encountered daily on their way to school. James led the way— being easily the fastest among them. Sirius had long given up trying to keep up. Behind James, Peter and Mary took turns racing each other, shouting what they deemed to be the correct directions. Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas trailed leisurely at the back, chatting at such a relaxed pace it seemed they were heading to Sunday Mass instead of a disco. Sirius instinctively kept his distance from Remus, avoiding any conversation. He knew he was a coward, but he didn’t want his shame-tinged longing to ruin this thrilling night.

After half an hour, Sirius already felt the strain in his calves. Peter complained non-stop, demanding a break every mile. Mary, however, was still in high spirits, busily motivating the increasingly reluctant girls.

Another thirty minutes passed, and they were nowhere near their destination. Night had fully fallen, and Sirius had lost track of their current location. He was certain they still had a long way to go. The collective mood had soured considerably.

“How much longer?!” Dorcas called out from the back, her voice heavy with effort.

“I can’t feel my legs anymore,” Marlene groaned.

“Let’s stop. I’ve brought something,” Mary called, steering her bike onto a narrow field path beside the road. “I figured I’d be stuck with a bunch of wimps, so I came prepared.” She fished a bottle of vodka out of her backpack. “Ta-daa!”

“Oh, Mary, you’re a lifesaver,” Sirius exclaimed, snatching the bottle and taking a swig. The burn felt good, making him feel awake again.

After another half hour, they finally spotted Dornfield’s town sign in the distance.

“Oh my God, we’re here!” Mary cheered.

Everyone let out relieved cries of joy.

“I’m never trusting you again, James!” Peter yelled, and everyone laughed.

They parked their bikes in an alleyway near the club’s bins and huddled together to strategise how to sneak into the building without anyone noticing they were underage.

“Everyone remembered their fake ID?” Mary asked. They nodded. “We should be good to go, then.”

“Sirius you go first—you look the oldest,” James suggested. “If he goes in, we might not even get questioned.”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Sirius declared, striding toward the club entrance. The bass of the music pounded loudly, matching the rhythm of his racing heart. His skin tingled. He tried to adopt a nonchalant expression as he approached the bouncer, praying his friends wouldn’t mess it up.

The surly man barely glanced at him before growling, “ID.”

Sirius showed him his fake ID, which claimed he’d turned eighteen a year ago. Although they hadn’t used the IDs in a while, they’d worked every time before—and, thankfully, this time as well. The bouncer waved him through. Sirius exhaled in relief, waiting by the door and watching as the man waved Remus through without even checking his. Only Peter and Lily earned a sceptical raised eyebrow, but they too were eventually allowed in.

Mary squealed, clapping her hands like she’d just won the lottery. “Let’s fucking go, lads!”

The next hour was a blur for Sirius: high energy, fuelled by alcohol, and deafening music that made him fear for his eardrums. The disco was packed—typical for a Saturday night. The girls were desperate to dance, while the boys lingered at the bar, ordering cocktails. They took a table and watched as the girls swayed their bodies suggestively to the beat. Sirius downed his cocktail and announced he’d get another round before the others had even finished their drinks.

The rest of the night unravelled in a haze, moments blurring together like a fragmented reel of memories. In the next hour, several things happened very quickly, leaving Sirius unable to recall exactly what had transpired by the following day.

Mary was approached by some guy who had graduated last year. Dorcas and Marlene were having drinks with Remus at the table, while Lily and James had disappeared into a dark corner, snogging passionately like animals.

Somehow, without really remembering how it happened, Sirius found himself in a conversation with a music producer from London, who was making a brief stopover in Dornfield before heading back to the capital.

His name was Dan—or Stan—Sirius hadn’t quite caught it because of the noise. Dan—or Stan—was about thirty, Italian, and smelled of expensive cologne, as though he’d doused his entire body in it. Sirius bombarded him with questions about his job without pause, veering a bit too much into his own interest in music. 

“How old are you?” the man asked loudly.

“Eighteen,” Sirius shouted back, raising the drink Dan—or Stan—had bought him to his lips, trying to appear more mature. He leaned casually against the wall, one thumb hooked into his jeans pocket.

“Then you’ll be finishing school soon? Got any ideas for college?”

“Haven’t really thought about it much.”

“From what you’ve told me about yourself, I’d say you should turn your passion into your career!” Dan—or Stan—had to yell particularly loudly as a group of girls screamed in delight when a popular song blasted from the speakers.

“Music?” Sirius had never considered that he could actually make his passion into a career. The idea of his future always seemed distant and out of reach. He’d much rather stay in school forever, where he could get away with nearly anything because he knew exactly how to charm the teachers and avoid detention. The only thing he was certain of was that he never wanted to end up working for his father.

“Yeah, that’s the ticket!” the man shouted. “The music industry is huge. Meet the right people at the right time, and you can really make a go of it. Here, let me give you my card.” He handed Sirius a business card. His name was Stan Wolff. “If you’re lucky, you can start an internship as early as autumn.”

That sounded almost too good to be true, but unfortunately, Sirius had to return to school in autumn to start his A-levels. He kept that detail to himself and, slightly drunk, said, “Cheers, mate, I’ll think about it.”

Stan Wolff and Sirius chatted a bit longer before Stan was called back to his friends.

“Nice meeting you. Don’t hesitate to call,” Stan said with a wink before marching off.

Sirius’s stomach did a joyful flip. Staring at the card in disbelief, he felt as though he’d just won the jackpot. Could life really be this simple? He wanted to share this encounter with James, but he was unfortunately still occupied with Lily.

Instead, Sirius looked around for Marlene, Dorcas, and Remus, who had still been sipping their beers the last time he saw them.

He spotted Dorcas first. She was pushing Peter along, who looked rather pale and on the verge of being sick. She yelled at a group of girls to make way as she steered him toward the toilets with no regard for obstacles. Marlene and Remus were playing pool. Sirius joined them briefly but quickly grew bored and wandered off to hang out with a few classmates, who greeted him enthusiastically with another drink.

The next hour was a blur of fragmented memories for Sirius. He vaguely recalled being dragged onto the dance floor by a classmate and being handed more and more alcohol.

The music was loud, the rhythm fast, and the people around him full of life.

In a single heartbeat, Sirius realised that this chaotic, unorganised energy was where he belonged. Not necessarily in this particular club with its sticky floors, nor among this crowd of drunk, incoherent people clawing at his sweaty body to keep from falling over.

Rather, he felt a surge within him, a shift in his brain chemistry. It was hard to describe, but he knew he belonged somewhere lively, somewhere with experiences waiting to be had. Not in good old Godric’s Hollow, where every day followed the same predictable routine, where he played a role despite having broken free from his family’s clutches. Stan had seen it straight away in the few minutes they’d spoken. Sure, Sirius had lied about his age, but his fascination with music might have been the most truthful thing he’d said all evening.

Another hour passed, and James, Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and Peter were ready to leave. Sirius desperately wanted to stay.

“The way home will take at least two hours,” Lily reminded him.

“More like three,” James added, his lips still smeared with lipstick despite Lily’s attempts to wipe them clean with her sleeve. “Peter can barely walk straight, let alone ride a bike.”

Lily sighed. “Mary’s completely smashed too. I’ve been trying to convince her to drink some water for the past hour, but she’s too busy with some fella she met on the dance floor.”

“I’ll get her,” Sirius announced, weaving his way through the now much emptier club to find Mary and her new companion.

“Hiya, how’s it going, love?”

Mary was thrilled to see him. “Ahhh, Siriuuuusss, how’s it going, my handsome boy?” She laughed and threw a heavy arm around his neck. “Hector, this is Siriusss, my absolute best friend. But it’s totally platonic, don’t worry.”

Sirius saluted Hector, who already wore a beard and clearly didn’t appreciate Sirius’s intrusion. Hector gave him a curt nod and tried getting Mary back to himself by holding her arm.

“Come on, gorgeous, let’s get back to the others,” Sirius urged, trying to steer Mary in the opposite direction.

“Whyyyyy?”

“Because they miss you.”

“Awwww, I miss my lovelies too,” she pouted. “Bye-bye, Hectorrr! I need to go to my friends, they miss me!”

Hector scribbled his phone number on an empty cigarette packet and urged her to call him. Mary solemnly promised she would. She gave him a big farewell kiss, which Hector eagerly returned, before Sirius practically dragged her away.

“Come on, you crazy thing.”

They stumbled back to the others, where Mary immediately threw herself into Lily’s arms, nearly knocking her over.

“I’ve found my dream guy!”

Lily raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Right, because your dream guy is definitely someone who goes to a club in the middle of the night to pick up drunk girls. So, do we have everyone?” she asked over Mary’s head.

“Mr Lupin is missing,” James remarked.

Sirius glanced around the room and spotted Remus near the emergency exit, away from the rest of the revellers. He wasn’t alone. A pretty girl with enormous round earrings stood with him, one hand on her hip while the other brushed a strand of hair from her face. She said something, and Remus leaned in slightly to catch her words.

She laughed, and Remus rolled his eyes with a grin.

Something tightened painfully inside Sirius, like a taut band wrapped around his chest, squeezing the air from his lungs. He blinked and quickly looked away.

“That bloody ladies’ man,” James said, crossing his arms in mock disapproval. “I’ve barely seen him all night, thinking he’d be sulking in some corner, and here he is having a grand old time.”

“Maybe you’ve barely seen him because you’ve been otherwise occupied?” Dorcas teased. “I mean, I hardly saw you and Lily either.”

His friends joked at James and Lily’s expense as the couple tried to deny all accusations, but for Sirius, their banter was just background noise. He couldn’t stop staring at the girl’s hand as it rested on Remus’s bicep. How Sirius hated that dainty little hand. Everything about this girl irked him—the sweet smile, the styled hair, the blue T-shirt. He even loathed the sight of Remus’s bicep and the fact that he wasn’t pulling away from her touch.

“Who is she?” Sirius asked, his eyes locked on the spot where her hand met Remus’s arm.

“She’s new in town,” Marlene replied. “Heard Remus talking about the library, and now they’re having some big conversation about a book they’ve both read.”

This had to be a joke. It was almost laughable. Of all things, the public library had been the match that struck the flame of their conversation. Typical Remus. He never showed much interest in people unless he could bond with them over books.

Sirius would bet this girl didn’t have the faintest clue about that oh-so-amazing book. She was probably faking it. There was no way she was clever enough to keep up with Remus.

“What’s the plan?” Peter asked impatiently. “Are we leaving or not?”

“Someone has to fetch Moony,” James sighed.

“Let him have his fun,” Mary said, still clinging to Lily. “They look so sweet together—like two nerds discovering the opposite sex for the first time. I bet he’ll pull her tonight.”

“Mary!” Marlene gasped, scandalised. “How do you know it won’t be her pulling him?”

“Fair point...”

“Whatever. Can we please go? I just want my bed,” Peter whined.

“I don’t like leaving someone behind,” James said, looking concerned.

“I’ll stay,” Sirius said, the words spilling out before he’d fully thought them through. “I’ll give him ten minutes, and then we’re done here.” His gaze never left the pair as he spoke. Did Remus even realise this girl was into him? He could be so oblivious in these matters. Remus always claimed that James and Sirius were the heartthrobs, while he avoided the drama—but Sirius had caught more than one girl scribbling Remus’s name surrounded by little hearts.

Remus might stroll through life blind to such things, but he wasn’t exactly a prude. He was more reserved around girls than his friends were, sure, but still... If an opportunity presented itself, would he take it? Sirius desperately hoped not. He didn’t want to lose him to some random girl. He wanted to have him for himself, no matter how selfish that sounded. He allowed himself thinking about it because he was drunk. He blamed his sudden jealousy on the alcohol.

The others said their goodbyes. James made Sirius promise he’d leave in ten minutes and wouldn’t abandon Remus. Sirius rolled his eyes and muttered, “He’s not a baby, Prongs...”

“Even so.”

Irritated, Sirius wandered over to the bar. The disco was noticeably emptier now, and the bouncer would likely start clearing out the stragglers soon. Since he was the only one there, the bartender immediately approached him, but Sirius waved him off. He wanted to be alone. Besides, if he smelled another drop of alcohol, he might just throw up on the spot.

Not that alcohol was necessarily to blame. The sight of that girl giggling as she lowered her eyes coyly made his stomach churn. In the next moment, she laughed again and placed her hand on Remus’s bicep once more. She knew exactly what she was doing. She seemed older than them by a few years, more experienced. And surely, by now, their conversation had moved on from that stupid book.

She rose onto her tiptoes and whispered something in Remus’s ear. He nodded and watched her as she walked towards the toilets. As his gaze travelled back, it landed on Sirius. Sirius’s heartbeat stuttered. Remus walked over.

“Where’re the others?”

“Left.”

“Already?”

“Yes. They were bored.”

Sensing Sirius’s foul mood, Remus asked cautiously, “Why didn’t anyone let me know?”

“We thought you’d rather keep flirting,” Sirius grumbled, nodding towards the toilets.

“We weren’t flirting,” Remus said, confused. “Hattie was telling me about Oxford. She studies there.”

“Oh, has she invited you for a hot, romantic date already?”

“Sorry?”

Sirius sighed. “Forget it, Remus.”

“What’s with you?”

“Nothing.”

Remus hesitated, then snapped, clearly annoyed, “I can’t deal with your bad mood right now. Are you jealous because, for once, you weren’t the centre of attention?”

“Fuck off,” Sirius shot back sharply. “For your information, I’ve had plenty of pretty girls all over me tonight. As if I’d be jealous of you getting someone’s undivided attention for five minutes.”

“Great. Then I don’t understand why you’re acting like this.”

Sirius had no desire to argue. “Let’s just leave, yeah? I promised the others we’d catch up.”

Without waiting for an answer, he turned and stormed out of the stifling room.

The night air was cool and windy, the streets dark and deserted. They grabbed their bikes and set off for the village. Sirius made sure to stay several lengths ahead of Remus. He was furious. Remus thought he was annoying? Well, Sirius thought Remus was annoying.

In his sulky state, Sirius didn’t pay attention to where they were going. He just pedalled as fast as he could, determined to put distance between himself and the other boy.

“You’re going the wrong way again!” came Remus’s voice, carried from the wind.

“I’m not!”

“We had to turn right. Unless you’re aiming for Bath?”

“I never want to go to bloody Bath again!”

“Then let’s cut through the woods—it’s faster.”

Sirius veered into the forest.

Pitch-black darkness swallowed them. Only James’s flashlight, which Sirius had been handed before the others left, provided any illumination.

“We’ll never catch up to them,” Sirius remarked, not beeing particularly bothered.

“Doesn’t matter, as long as we get home tonight.”

Unfortunately, they wouldn’t.

By the time they realised they’d gone the wrong way at a fork in the path, it was too late. If Remus hadn’t insisted on taking the left route, they’d probably be in their warm beds by now.

As Sirius grew increasingly sober, the adventure lost its thrill and became more of a hassle. Tomorrow, he’d wake up with a pounding headache and regret every second—except perhaps the part where he’d talked to Stan.

But the rest of this stupid night had been a complete waste.

They had been wandering through the forest like lost souls for two hours now, without making any significant progress. Too out of breath to ride, they were now lazily pushing their bikes along. Sirius wanted nothing more than a ten-hour break—his muscles ached terribly.

Even Remus looked visibly exhausted. “The smoking finally catches up with us,” he puffed, clutching his side.

Sirius felt like crying. He groaned and collapsed onto a fallen tree. Tired, he rubbed his calves. “I can’t go on,” he said. Even the alcohol-fuelled boost was losing its potency. The dull throb of an impending headache was already creeping in.

Remus sat down beside him. “Now what?”

“Now we take a break.”

“For how long?”

Sirius shuffled higher up the tree trunk to stretch his legs. “Until I’ve got some strength back.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “You want to wait here? In the middle of the woods, where a deadly axe murderer could be lurking around for all we know?”

“Every axe murderer I know is perfectly harmless,” Sirius murmured, an image of Halloween night flashing in his mind.

Remus stared at him, appalled.

“Oh, come on, don’t be dramatic. Just let me close my eyes for a moment.” The tree trunk was just long enough for Sirius to lie back on it. His head collided with a protruding branch.

He couldn’t see Remus anymore—only the swaying treetops against a star-speckled night sky—but he heard the boy sigh, hesitate, then settle down on the ground.

“Comfy down there?”

“Better than up there. You’re going to fall, you know.”

“Nope, I won’t.”

“You will.”

“And if I do, you’ll catch me.”

One star, brighter than the rest, gleamed proudly, as if to guide the lost wanderers. Sirius would have paid any amount of money for that star to lead him to safety as well. He closed his eyes and soon drifted into a light, fragile sleep, one ear tuned to potential danger.

He dreamt chaotic nonsense—something about a hairy man living in the woods—that unsettled him too much. Suddenly, he lost his balance, waking too late to stop himself from crashing down. He tumbled onto a hard body.

Remus groaned, trying to shove Sirius off him.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry!” Sirius muttered frantically, scrambling to untangle himself from Remus’s limbs.

“This has got to be one of your stupidest ideas,” Remus grumbled.

“Completely agree.”

“Do yourself a favour and sleep on the ground. You’ll end up breaking an arm or something,” Remus mumbled sleepily, turning onto his side and falling back asleep almost immediately.

Sirius pressed a hand to his forehead until it hurt.

***

Although Sirius spent the following weeks sulking and stubbornly wasting away the last hot summer days, he at least found solace in the fact that this Hattie girl wasn’t mentioned again.

When asked by the others, Remus claimed he barely remembered her, but Sirius strongly suspected he was simply avoiding their burning curiosity. He was clever like that.

Sirius forced himself to move on—he even slapped himself whenever he realised his thoughts were wandering back to Remus. In his mind, two extremes battled for dominance, threatening to drive him mad. On one side, there was the gentle, familiar image of Remus; on the other, the unpleasant, murky weight of guilt. The guilt consumed him alive. It kept company with his loneliness, devouring him whole with its humiliating sting.

But alongside the guilt, something else was always lingering. There was a burning desire, a yearning. Sirius couldn’t stop looking at Remus. Oh, there was yearning. So much of it that it drove him crazy late at night. He couldn’t stop thinking about those faint freckles on Remus’s temples, his long fingers, his soft pink lips. Sirius had long given up counting the times he’d caught himself blushing, daydreaming of kissing those lips…

It was all his fault—he should never have let himself care so much about this boy. When had it become so overwhelming? When had the line between innocent glances and intense staring started to blur? It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t easy, and Sirius felt like a deeply lonely man, forced to swallow something he desperately wanted to fight in another way.

The worst part was pretending everything was normal. The normalcy he craved was tainted by his own dishonesty. Remus acted normal, James acted normal—everyone acted normal.

It was always Sirius who had to make things complicated.

Those days felt like a vicious cycle, tormenting him with the same thoughts over and over again. He needed to take drastic action to break free. The way he saw it, he had two choices: act and face the consequences like a man, or let his inaction drag him into the abyss.

Chapter Text

14th August 1991

It was mid-August, and Sirius felt as though he had spent half the summer watching Remus, absorbing every little detail, without Remus ever once looking back at him.

Almost a month after their trip to the disco, Sirius regrettably hadn’t noticed any significant change in his behaviour. The summer dragged on slowly. He was certain he was going to go mad.

Monty finished building the dock with the boys. Painted and polished, it now gleamed by the lake shore, allowing Monty to chain his rowing boat. Sirius and James went fishing nearly every day, but they never managed to catch a single fish to bring home.

That day, however, James had taken Lily into town for a romantic ice cream date, leaving Sirius to kill time on his own.

“Just go fishing with Pete and Moony,” James had suggested when Sirius complained that he would now be bored.

But Peter was celebrating Rosie’s birthday with his family, and although he invited Sirius to join, Sirius wasn’t in the mood for tacky tea parties and small talk with the guests.

After some thought, he made his way to Godric’s Lake alone in the late afternoon. Just as he turned onto the main road, he spotted a lanky figure with bad posture. It was Remus, delivering fresh milk to the neighbours on behalf of the Lovegoods.

Sirius waited to see if Remus would notice him behind the chest-high hedge that separated the McKinnons’ property from the street. He did. Remus lifted his head, and their eyes met. A rush of excitement surged through Sirius’s stomach, and he steeled himself to approach the other boy in a normal manner.

“Hiya, Moony,” he greeted. “Fancy going to the lake?”

“I’m working.”

“So what?”

A small grin broke out on Remus’s face. “Still not familiar with the concept of work, I see.”

“Take a break. Doesn’t have to be long. Xeno won’t even notice.”

“No, probably not.” Remus sighed. “Alright, let me finish delivering these, yeah?”

Sirius bent down to pick up the basket of remaining milk bottles. “After you.”

First, they went to the Pettigrews’, where they found Richard, who had escaped the chaos of the party. They had to listen to ten minutes of gossip about his business. Then it was on to the Meadowes, where they were given homemade biscuits by Lucien, followed by a stop at the Potters’ where they saw Effie working in the garden.

“Is that all?” Sirius asked, starting to get bored.

“Yup, that’s all. Be happy you’ll have fresh milk at breakfast tomorrow.”

“What would we do without you, Moony?”

Remus rolled his eyes.

They strolled along the path towards the lake. Sirius carried the empty basket in the crook of his arm. It was one of those particularly quiet, uneventful days when nothing happened, and every neighbour went about their daily tasks. Nothing ever happened in Godric’s Hollow. Every day was the same. If the landscape weren’t so beautiful— with its green hills and deep valleys, old houses and winding country lanes—life here would be so much more unbearable. It was a lovely little spot on earth, no doubt. But Sirius’s destiny, he had realised since the disco, lay far beyond the hills of his childhood.

Speaking of the disco…

“So, you and that… what was her name again?”

Remus looked up, puzzled. “Hm?”

“The girl you were talking to at the disco the other night.” Or rather, flirting with.

“Hattie?” Remus helped him out.

“That’s her. Did you change numbers?”

Remus’s brow furrowed. “Why’re you bringing this up now?”

“It just occurred to me. You two seemed to be getting along. Surely she gave you her number if she wants to stay in touch?” Sirius congratulated himself inwardly on his casual tone. When he wanted to, he could be a master of offhand questioning.

“She didn’t,” Remus said, kicking a pebble out of the way.

“Ah, why not?”

“I didn’t ask for it.”

“Your loss, mate,” Sirius teased. Remus shot him a suspicious glance. “You don’t pass up a chance like that. She’s pretty, smart, and older, too.”

“You weren’t so keen on her last time.”

“Yeah, because I wanted to go home,” Sirius laughed a little too loudly.

“I thought it was because she liked me and not you.”

“I made it clear I didn’t mind,” Sirius replied.

“You did.”

“Well, maybe you’ll find her in the phone book. Provided she told you her last name.”

“Forget it.”

“Or you can wait two years to see her again, because then you’ll be in Oxford anyway,” Sirius carried on. “Oh well, the door to every pretty, smart girl will be wide open for you in Oxford. You can take your pick.”

“That’s what you’d do,” Remus snapped, not exactly friendly. Sirius felt stung. He shrugged,

“Maybe.”

“I don’t get why you’re so interested in her. You’re jealous.”

“I’m not interested in her,” Sirius replied sharply. His heart skipped a beat as he realised what he’d just implied. Remus furrowed his brow. “I mean, I’m not interested in her, or whatever,” he corrected himself, stumbling over the words.

“Just leave it, then,” Remus grumbled.

“I just want you to have a bit of fun, that’s all.”

“I am having fun.”

“You think it’s fun working two, sometimes three or four jobs at the same time, and then getting into a burnout before you even turn twenty?”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“Not really.”

Remus’s stoic face darkened, and it wasn’t just the shadows from the overhanging trees. Sirius waited a few moments to see if he would say anything. He knew Remus would rather run ten laps around the pitch than admit that his many jobs were slowly, but surely, wearing him down. Even Remus Lupin wasn’t meant to sacrifice his entire youth for a possibly more glorious future, though he’d probably need years to realise that. Sirius said nothing more on the subject. Remus was too stubborn to give up something as valuable as his escape from Godric’s Hollow.

Just before they turned to take a shortcut through the underbrush, Remus unexpectedly spoke up:

“Don’t worry about me liking Hattie. I told you I’m not interested in any girl.”

And that was it.

The moment that swiftly swept away all the air, leaving Sirius breathless. They looked at each other there, beneath the low-hanging branches, and there it was again – that electrifying something; unsaid and dangerous.

The moment seemed to last an eternity, before a rustle in the bushes made them both jump.

Sirius’s heart pounded and wouldn’t stop for a while.

Down by the lake, the wind rustled through the tall treetops, and in the distance, the birds sang in chorus. It was a glorious day. Not too hot, thanks to a pleasant breeze that messed up Sirius’s chin-length hair.

“Let’s see if the water’s warm…” he murmured as he was about to pull his t-shirt over his head.

“You can report back to me,” Remus said. Sirius’s head snapped up.

“You’re not coming in?”

“I didn’t bring swimming trunks.”

“So what? Neither did I. My underwear will do.” He waited for Remus’s reaction. The boy hesitated for a second, then began to undress too. Sirius couldn’t help but stare at him. He hadn’t known that back muscles could fascinate him so much, but in that moment, they certainly did. He swallowed and focused on pulling off his trousers. When he looked up again, he met Remus’s warm eyes, illuminated by the yellow sunbeams. No one said anything, but Sirius could feel how something around them had changed – the branches whispering in rhythm with the wind, the birds excitedly chirping, the leaves rustling mysteriously. Or maybe it was Sirius who had changed – allowing his thoughts to drift into a dreamlike world, not immediately avoiding Remus’s gaze, holding firm. Or maybe it was Remus who had changed – the glistening sweat on his temples, his chest rising and falling, the crease between his brows that revealed he was deep in thought.

Or maybe it was what lay between them that had changed – the air began to crackle, the courage grew stronger, the invisible bond tightening.

It was just a brief moment of eye contact, and yet it seemed so significant. Sirius’s stomach tingled, and he wondered once more if Remus felt even remotely the same way he did, and if he too felt the same shame when he thought of Sirius.

Wordlessly, they plunged into the water. It was refreshing, but not cold. Something had shifted between them, and Sirius knew they could both feel it.

He splashed Remus with water, and Remus did the same. He tried to swim out of reach, but Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and attempted to push him under the water, while Remus tried to push him off.

Instead of swimming out, they stayed close to the shore. Sirius laughed at first as Remus tried to break free of his grip. But then Remus suddenly changed tactics, and instead of swimming away, he grabbed Sirius by the shoulder to throw him off balance. Sirius struggled, and a scuffle broke out, both of them trying to gain the upper hand.

It was all limbs and body parts fleetingly brushing beneath the surface of the water, finding their way towards each other, pressing together, only to pull away again in the next instant.

Sirius felt Remus’s shin against his, his knee somewhere higher up. His hands grasped Remus’s neck, his shoulder, his upper arm. They brushed against his flushed cheek, his wet hair, his eyelids and eyebrows. His knees brushed against the fabric of Remus’s underwear and the bare skin of his hips. No movement was calculated, but every touch felt like an electric shock that raced through his veins.

In return, Sirius was touched on the upper body, pushed away by the shoulders, and pulled back in with the feet. They swallowed large amounts of water, barely able to keep their eyes open.

Something had changed between them. The laughter had vanished, and something more serious had spread between them.

It wasn’t the typical, harmless wrestling between two friends that Sirius had with James when swimming. It almost seemed like a test of courage, or a challenge. Not to determine who was stronger, but to find out how far they could go. Both of them crossed boundaries; Sirius certainly did, and Remus – though more cautiously – did too. They never touched as much as Sirius did with his other friends. The casual arm over James’s shoulder or the tickling to tease Peter was something Sirius rarely did with Remus.

And now?

Sirius let go of him. He dove under and held his breath for almost thirty seconds. He could only vaguely perceive the shadows above him; the kicking legs and rowing arms that kept Remus afloat.

When he surfaced, gasping for air, he met Remus’s fiery gaze. For a second, neither said anything, then –

“Wanna swim a little more?”

Sirius thought Remus’s voice sounded strangely heavy, like stones sinking in water. He replied immediately: “No.”

So they swam back to the dock, where Monty’s rowing boat was tied.

Sirius was the first to climb up the ladder. Water dripped from his underwear onto his skin. As he turned around, Remus had just reached the ladder. Sirius extended his hand, which Remus took to pull himself up. He stopped just a little too close to Sirius before stepping back and brushing his wet hair out of his face.

Again, neither of them broke eye contact.

Sirius could see every single mole on Remus’s face. He had one beneath his left eye. It was small, barely visible, nearly swallowed up by the brightness of the sun, but Sirius noticed it, and he wanted to touch it, even if it just meant acknowledging that he had seen it.

“You’ve got a mole there,” Sirius exhaled before he even realised what he was saying. “Never noticed it before.”

Sirius’s hand moved almost of its own accord. His finger brushed the mole, just beneath Remus’s left eye. Not a millimetre of space between skin and skin. After a breath, his hand fell uselessly back to his body.

Remus’s eyes widened. Sirius’s heart raced, and he felt sick. This was dangerous territory. He should turn around and run. He should find the highest branch and jump headfirst into the water without thinking. He should run away and not look back. Everything would make more sense than this. He would take any consequence for any thoughtless actions, just not this.

Too bad Sirius wasn’t a rational thinker and liked to turn his life upside down.

Whatever was about to happen next–Sirius wanted it. He wanted it so badly. And though it was dangerous, uncertain, reckless, and completely foolish, he saw in Remus’s eyes that he wanted it too. He wanted it. Right then, in that second.

“Sirius,” Remus said.

“Remus,” Sirius said.

Time seemed to stand still. Everything felt as if it were wrapped in cotton – them, the lake, the forest. And then Sirius filled the space between them and gently, gently pressed his lips to Remus’s. Eyes closed, chest tight, heart pounding, and at least a thousand thoughts that popped like balloons with that one touch. Worries about girls, consequences, and the distant, uncertain future were forgotten.

Sirius felt Remus’s hesitation, his uncertainty. Of course, the boy preferred to think twice before acting. But then he acted, by barely parting his lips. Sirius immediately followed the movement. He deepened the kiss and lost himself in it.

And Remus kissed him back, he actually kissed him back!

Sirius’s hands travelled along Remus's arms to his face. His fingers brushed the fine hairs on his chin, then gripped his neck, pulling him, if physically possible, even closer. A soft moan escaped Remus. Sirius got goosebumps. Remus’s hands were on Sirius's hips, digging into his flesh.

The kiss quickly became more intense, more demanding, and messier. Teeth clashed against teeth. Sirius thought he could keep going forever, but eventually, he needed air. He pulled away from the kiss, but his hands still gripped Remus's arms, as though trying to stop him from falling.

Remus’s breathing was shallow, his face flushed, his lips slightly swollen.

“Fuck, did I bite you?” Sirius asked, noticing a tiny drop of blood on Remus’s lip.

Remus hastily ran a finger over his mouth. “Don’t know... maybe...”

“I—” Sirius faltered helplessly. What the hell was he supposed to say now? Remus looked completely breathless, utterly confused. Damn it, Sirius was confused too. He wanted to lean forward and kiss him again, wanted more and more and even more. But as his gaze moved from Remus's lips to his eyes, a sudden wave of reality hit him, washing every emotion to the surface. He had an overwhelming urge to apologise.

“Sorry, I totally caught you off guard. I... sorry. Shit.”

Remus didn’t say anything. Sirius began to panic. A mistake. That kiss had been a huge, colossal, stupid, irreversible mistake. He had to fix it.

He let go of Remus and stumbled back to put some distance between them.

“Look, you don’t have to say anything. To the others, I mean. I messed up, I’m really sorry. You must feel awful, but I swear, we’ll just pretend nothing happened. Nothing happened, okay? The others won’t suspect anything. Don’t worry.”

Remus regarded him with his still wide eyes. He looked concerned. He breathed his name.

“Let’s just pretend nothing ever happened, yeah?” Sirius repeated anxiously. He picked up his clothes from the ground. He needed to get away. He couldn’t stand looking at him anymore—those eyes telling him he had risked everything and lost.

He shook his jeans, trying to get the loose leaves off. He thought he heard a faint “Okay,” but he could have misheard over the noise. Maybe he just wanted to hear it.

Wordlessly, they dressed. Sirius couldn’t look at Remus while doing so. They moved around each other like the other was made of fire, afraid of burning themselves. Sirius felt dizzy. He had drunk too little water. Or maybe swallowed too much lake water.

The walk home felt like hell, one that would never end. No one spoke a word; the tension hung over them like an approaching storm. Sirius could feel Remus’s occasional glances at him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that the boy was angry with him. No surprise there. Sirius had rocked the boat. If only he had kept himself together...

Now, all he could do was pretend the moment at the lake had never happened. It’d be difficult, but he owed it to Remus.

Something had changed between them. Definitely.

***

15th August 1991

Four hours.

Sirius had been trying to fall asleep for four hours now, trying to forget the afternoon – and failing miserably. Every noise – whether it was an insect or the ticking of the clock – was driving him mad. He turned from one side to the other, throwing the blanket off his body as he started to sweat.

He was surely going to fall asleep as a fool and wake up as a madman, assuming sleep would finally offer him relief. His brain just wouldn't stop racing.

He had kissed Remus. Down by the lake in the woods. This afternoon. For real. Not in a dream. Could this really be reality?! How he wished it had only happened in a dream. Then he could wake up, and everything would be forgotten; Remus would have no idea, and their friendship would carry on as before.

What on earth had he been thinking?! He’d never be able to look Remus in the eye again. What did Remus think of the kiss? Did he feel as embarrassed as Sirius did? Did he wish Sirius would leave him alone from now on and never speak to him again? Sirius would certainly wish that if he were in his place.

Desperately, he turned onto his stomach, hid his head under the pillow, and bit into the mattress to suppress a scream.

He told himself that, with a little persuasion and imagination, he could make the kiss in his thoughts seem like a friendly hug between two brothers that meant nothing.

But who was he kidding… He could still remember exactly how eagerly he had grabbed Remus’s neck, how he had pulled him closer, how Remus had kissed him back after a brief hesitation.

Remus had kissed him back! Objectively speaking, it had been by far the best kiss Sirius had ever had. Not that he had much competition. It didn’t matter anyway. If he wanted to survive the next few days and weeks, he needed a proper plan.

He’d act as though nothing had happened.

In two days, he and Marlene and Peter and James and Remus were going to Bristol to visit Marlene's relatives. By then, everything will be forgotten. He’ll cling to James and distract himself with him. He’ll tease Peter and annoy Marlene. He’ll find a pretty girl at the train station or in town and strike up a conversation with her about her bright smile, then invite her to hang out with him and his friends.

He’ll fix his mistake.

In hindsight, he should’ve talked to Marlene but what did a confused sixteen-year-old Sirius Black really know…

Chapter Text

17th August 1991

The bus had taken them to the train station at seven in the morning, where they were now waiting for their train, tired and hungry.

James was off looking for a phone to ring Lily and check if she and her family had made it safely to France. Peter was standing in a queue at the bakery, sorting breakfast for everyone. Meanwhile, Marlene, Remus, and Sirius were lingering on the platform with the luggage.

Remus and Marlene were hunched over Marlene’s Walkman, trying to get the old thing – which seemed to be running on nothing but hope – to work again. They spoke quietly and intently, barely paying Sirius much attention. It wasn’t that they were deliberately excluding him; rather, he was choosing not to get involved. He could probably help them fix the device, but he didn’t want to be too close to Remus.

He wondered if Remus had told Marlene about the kiss. It didn’t seem entirely unlikely—after all, they got along well, and Marlene had confided in Remus about her crush on Dorcas. Sirius wasn’t sure how he felt about others knowing. He had made it perfectly clear to Remus that their friends were never to find out. He certainly wouldn’t say a word.

Their efforts grew more tense. The Walkman clearly wasn’t cooperating. Remus fiddled with a button, and Marlene smacked the back of his hand, making him pull away quickly. For a moment, Sirius felt almost envious of how easy things were between them.

Marlene pulled the device closer to her. “Let me take a proper look.”

Remus remained patiently by her side, offering suggestions on what she should do with the cassette.

If he had told her about the kiss, Marlene certainly didn’t seem disturbed or put off. But knowing Remus, he probably hadn’t said anything at all. That just wasn’t his way.

Sirius had barely left the house in the past two days. He’d willingly gone along with James to football training and had helped pick Marlene up from her camp with the girls, everything to avoid the chance of running into Remus.

Not that it had been necessary, as it turned out. Remus had mentioned to James that he’d been working extra shifts at his Uncle Theodore’s shop. Sirius suspected that Remus had been avoiding him too. That was fine by him. What wasn’t fine, though, was the room-sharing arrangement at Marlene’s relatives’ place.

Joanna’s mother had rather strict rules: the boys were only allowed to come if they shared a room and stayed away from the girls’ rooms. Sirius had hoped he might end up sharing with James – or Peter at the very least – but please not Remus. How was he supposed to avoid him in the same room?

He had absolutely no desire to go on this trip. During the bus ride, Sirius had complained moodily to James,

“I just don’t see why we have to go to fucking Bristol. It’s not like we’re all dating Joanna.”

“Well, true,” James had replied. “But Peter wasn’t allowed to come alone. Marlene’s aunt’s a bit strict.”

“Brilliant. Because inviting three more boys is such a genius solution.”

“Oh, stop whinging.”

Now he stood on the platform, in a foul mood, running on no sleep and an empty stomach.

Marlene and Remus were still deep in conversation, heads bent together over her walkman. Sirius’s stomach growled. Where on earth was Peter with breakfast?! His eyes roved over the nearly deserted station, looking for something of interest.

Sure enough, he spotted two girls about his age by a vending machine, apparently struggling to find any change. Sirius strolled over.

“Need a hand, ladies?”

The girls turned around. One had a heart-shaped face sprinkled with freckles, the other wore a headband and revealed braces when she spoke,

“Got any change on you?”

Sirius dug around in his pockets and found a couple of quid.

“What do you want?”

“Black Jacks for me, cheers.”

“Same for me.”

Sirius pressed the number, fed the coins into the machine, and waited as the sweets tumbled out. The girls smiled sweetly.

“You from around here?” Sirius asked, leaning casually against the machine.

“Gloucester,” replied the freckled one.

“And where’re you off to?”

“Bristol. Visiting a friend.”

“Yeah, same here. Well, more like my mate’s visiting his girlfriend. He’s been on about it for weeks; I’ve barely had a moment’s peace with all his begging.” He rolled his eyes playfully, and the girls giggled softly.

“Our friend Tessa’s throwing this huge birthday party, there’s like two hundred people invited.", said the one with the braces. "Maybe when your mate’s too busy snogging his girlfriend you come and visit?"

"Er, sure?"

"Alright, I’ll write down the address."

"It’s the day after tomorrow.", added the other girl. "There’re mostly uni students bringing the good stuff if you know what I mean." She laughed while her friend gave Sirius the address.

Just as he was about to say something, the train pulled into the platform, passengers spilling out and boarding quickly.

“Oi, Black!” Marlene called. “Hurry up!”

He shot the girls an apologetic grin. “Well, thanks for inviting me, ladies. Maybe I’ll catch you on the train?”

“We’ll watch out for you.”, said the girl with the braces, smiling.

Shouldering his bag, he returned to the group. James greeted him with a smug, knowing grin.

“Making good use of your time, I see?”

Sirius glanced back over his shoulder, catching the two girls giggling and waving before they boarded. He winked and accepted the croissant Peter handed him.

“You could say that.”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Get a move on,” she said, shepherding James into the train first.

Sirius didn’t look at Remus, but he could feel his gaze, a burning sensation on his back, like a trail of fire across a grassy field. He knew that if he turned around now, he wouldn’t be able to withstand Remus’s eyes. What would he find there? Curiosity? Approval? Or worse, something like disappointment…

It was better to stick to his plan, Sirius thought. Act like nothing had ever happened. Suggest the party to the others and have some fun. Remus should be grateful Sirius was working so hard to maintain the image everyone expected of him – a flirty, carefree teenager who’d never in his life dream of kissing one of his best friends. 

Sirius, James, and Peter settled into a four-seater. Marlene and Remus took a two-seater on the opposite side of the narrow aisle.

“Got any plans for your time with Joanna?” James asked cheerfully. He was always in a good mood, but especially so after talking to Lily.

Peter nervously wrung his hands. “She said she’d show us around the city first. The harbour’s supposed to be nice, and there’s good food.”

“Sounds nice,” James replied, clasping his hands over his stomach and sliding down in his seat a few inches to stretch his legs – a habit he’d picked up from his dad. “Food’s always a good idea.”

For the next two hours, Peter babbled on about his expectations for the weekend, mainly how thrilled he was to see Joanna after so long. Since her visit in February, the two had only been able to maintain their relationship over the phone. Sirius eventually tuned out, leaving James to keep the conversation going. He stared out at the passing countryside – fields, villages, factories – and found his thoughts drifting, unbidden, to the lake two days ago. For a moment, it felt like he could still feel Remus’s lips on his, the lips and rough hands gripping his bare hips, digging deeper and deeper into his flesh, as if they couldn’t get enough…

A sudden jolt of the train snapped him out of his thoughts. From his seat, he had a perfect view of Remus’s face. He was sitting by the aisle, his head leaning against the headrest, eyes closed. Sirius thought he looked like one of those Roman marble statues that artists had painstakingly sculpted centuries ago: his chestnut curls, which looked especially soft that day; his long, almost striking nose; the prominent Adam’s apple; the full lips, slightly parted in sleep. All of it – his entire dreamlike face – was framed by the summer sunlight, like something out of a movie. Sirius thought Remus must’ve been the result of the most talented and famous artists’ work, something that was supposed to be seen by everyone yet Sirius felt a sort of protection over his appearance, like he was only supposed to be seen by Sirius.

He felt himself staring, unable to look away, overcome by a longing that cruelly whispered in his ear: No matter how much you want this boy, you can’t have him.

He only refocused on the conversation when James repeated his name several times. Sirius blinked and sat up,

“Hm?”

James raised a questioning eyebrow. “I asked if you’d seen those girls from earlier anywhere on the train?”

It took Sirius five seconds to realise who he meant.

“Uh, no. Haven’t looked.” And the idea of going to a party by a stranger seemed to him like a rather foolish idea.

***

The train ride lasted three hours. Sirius hadn’t bothered looking out for the girls. What would have been the point? He didn’t feel like flirting with them anymore.

Marlene’s aunt and Joanna were waiting for them at Bristol station. Sirius had expected Joanna to rush straight to Peter and snog him senseless. Instead, she stayed by her mum’s side, waiting politely until Peter nervously extended a hand to her mother. He then gave Joanna a shy kiss on the cheek.

Marlene, on the other hand, was pulled into a warm hug—both by her aunt and her two cousins. Charlotte immediately asked about Rosie.

"She stayed home," Peter tried to tell her gently. The girl pouted all the way back to the house.

Marlene’s relatives lived in a pristine terraced house on the outskirts of the city. The aunt parked the car in a garage that opened directly into the house. Just like the perfectly manicured front garden, complete with its neatly trimmed hedges, the interior was spotless and rather sparsely furnished. Sirius felt like he’d stepped into a showroom.

First, they were served tea and cake. The conversation started off sluggishly. Sirius could barely stand the awkwardness. Peter hardly dared to say a word, and Joanna barely looked in his direction. It fell to James to break the tension, which he did with ease. He shared details about their trip and asked questions about Bristol like it was second nature. Despite her initial scepticism, the aunt seemed to decide then and there that James was her favourite of the boys.

Remus was quiet as well, but that could have been down to exhaustion. He looked almost unwell. Despite his summer tan, his cheeks seemed unnaturally pale. 

Meanwhile, Marlene and Sirius squabbled under the table over legroom. Why did this girl have such ridiculously long legs anyway? She shoved his foot aside, none too gently. He retaliated, pushing back harder than he intended, and accidentally knocked his knee against the underside of the table. The porcelain teacups rattled ominously.

“Oops, sorry,” he muttered, clearing his throat. Marlene smirked triumphantly, after her aunt looked at him bitterly.

Shortly after, the aunt sent them up to the guest room where they would be staying for the next two nights. The room had two single beds, one against each wall, and two air mattresses squeezed into the space between them.

Without hesitation, Peter set his bag on one of the beds. Sirius darted past James and flung himself onto the other bed with a dramatic leap. he grinned triumphantly,

“Too late.”

James shrugged and claimed the air mattress beneath Sirius’s bed. Sirius exhaled in relief. At least he wouldn’t have to sleep directly next to Remus.

***

They spent the rest of the day at the harbour. Joanna showed them her favourite ships, her favourite restaurants, and her favourite shops. The problem was that after two hours, they ended up back at the starting point and didn’t know what to do next.

Peter suggested taking the bus downtown to figure things out there. Once they arrived, Marlene sent him and Joanna ahead, claiming the two deserved some alone time. Peter threw a pleading glance over his shoulder before disappearing around the corner with his girlfriend.

“Poor Pete,” James said thoughtfully. “What’s up with him?”

“He’s been acting like he’s scared out of his mind since we got here,” Sirius said with a sly smirk.

“Things were going smoothly between him and Joanna, weren’t they? Or did I miss something?” James asked.

“Nope, not that I know of,” Marlene chimed in.

“Do you reckon he’s going to break up with her?” James wondered aloud.

“Seems more like she’s the one who wants to break up with him,” Remus said quietly.

James considered this. “Well, now that you mention it...”

Sirius groaned. “Great. So why are we even here?”

Marlene said firmly, “Just wait and see. Maybe they just need a little time to warm up to each other again. That’s why I sent them off on their own.”

Unfortunately, Marlene’s plan didn’t work out. At dinner, the couple barely exchanged a word. Joanna gave all her attention to her cousin, while Peter sat next to her, visibly downcast, and picked at his food. Meanwhile, Charlotte kept incessantly asking about Rosie.

Their aunt allowed them to watch a film together afterwards. They squeezed into the small living room and watched Back to the Future on a tiny TV, eating microwave popcorn and drinking even more tea, as their aunt insisted. Even during the film, Peter and Joanna didn’t move an inch closer to each other. It was almost as if an invisible wall stood between them. At exactly nine o’clock, they were sent to their rooms.

“I’ll see if I can find out anything,” Marlene said with a wink to the others before disappearing into a room with Charlotte.

The four boys got ready for bed in the bathroom. James and Sirius cracked jokes to cheer Peter up, but nothing seemed to work. The boy seemed like a completely different person. Sirius had never imagined the day would turn out like this. He’d expected kissing and playful hand-holding, not this heavy silence.

They crawled under their blankets, and for a while, no one said anything. Sirius was the first to break the silence.

“So, Pete, how’s it going?”

Peter let out a frustrated groan. “Terrible. Absolutely terrible. I don’t get it! Why’s she acting so weird all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong?”

“Calm down,” James said. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sure today just wasn’t your day.”

“What if it’s not the day but me?” Peter asked anxiously. “What if she wants to break up with me tomorrow?”

Sirius yawned. “That’d be awkward, considering we’re all stuck under the same roof for another day.”

James threw a pillow at Sirius from his spot on the floor.

“Don’t stress about it. It’ll be fine. Tomorrow’s a new day. And anyway, a little argument is perfectly normal in a relationship,” James said wisely. “Lily and I argue, too, but we’re still happy.”

“You and Lily argue?” Sirius said, feigning surprise. “Well, that’s new.”

Another pillow followed.

“You do realise I’m keeping all these, right?” Sirius said smugly.

“Then I’ll just share a bed with Remus, won’t I, Moony?”

“Hmmph—”

“We’ll get all cosy under the blanket,” James said casually. Sirius marvelled at how his best friend could say things like that without a shred of embarrassment.

“It’s me,” Peter murmured sadly. “How could I ever believe, even for a second, that a girl likes me?”

Sirius didn’t like the self-deprecating way Peter talked about himself. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. A rough start doesn’t mean it’s the end.”

“It sure feels like it,” Peter sighed, staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. “She’s going to break up with me. If not tomorrow, then the day after. I should’ve seen it coming. She’s sounded strange on the phone lately. I thought it was because she missed me. Guess I was wrong. She wants to get rid of me.”

“She doesn’t want to get rid of you,” Remus said firmly.

“And even if she does,” Sirius added, “she’s not the only girl in the world.”

“If I had another pillow—” James warned.

“—but you don’t—”

“—I’d hit you with it to bring you to your senses. Your advice isn’t as helpful as you think. For me, there’s never been anyone but Lily. Just because you’ve never been properly in love doesn’t mean others can move on so quickly.”

“Alright,” Sirius replied, offended. “Then maybe Joanna is the one true love of Peter’s life. Is that what you’re saying?”

“I don’t think she’s the one,” Peter admitted quietly. Everyone turned to look at him. He shrugged. “I like her. But she’s not the one for me. You’re supposed to feel that, right?” He looked to James, whose cheeks turned red. “I think I’d get over her, like Sirius said. But what if there’s no one else after her?”

James immediately assured him that was highly unlikely. Peter sank back into his thoughts. He was silent for a long time, then he confided something very intimate and private that Sirius never thought the four of them would one day trust each other enough to communicate on that level:

“Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one of us who’ll never be with anyone. I thought that before Joanna, too. She helped ease that fear a little. But now I’m scared I’ll never fall in love. Not like you and Lily, James. Any girl with a shred of sense would choose one of you over me. Why would anyone pick me when they could have someone like you? It doesn’t make sense…”

Peter’s voice cracked, and he wiped a tear from his eye. Sirius was too stunned by the raw honesty to offer any comfort. His friends were equally silent. Remus lay motionless, and even James struggled to find the words. He tried, though, stammering, “I… I didn’t know you felt that way…”

Peter shrugged. “It’s not important—”

“Of course, it’s important!” James interrupted, clearly upset. “You’re important!”

Peter turned red as a tomato. “I don’t know why I even told you…”

“It’s good that you did,” James assured him. “You can talk to us about anything. Always.”

Sirius swallowed hard and glanced at Remus, who stared intently at the ceiling.

“And, Peter?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s someone out there for you. We haven't even come close to living enough to justifiably worry about possible future horror scenarios. We're only used to what we know, so it can be scary sometimes when things don't go according to plan. But everything will be fine, trust me.”

“Yeah, thanks, James. I swear I try not to think about it too often.”

“Good. We can only handle one person living in their head all the time,” James teased, nudging Remus beside him with a smile. Remus scoffed.

“Funny,” he muttered.

“I’m just saying, a little less seriousness wouldn’t kill you. You spend more time worrying about the future in an hour than Sirius does in five years.”

“Hey!” Sirius protested. That might’ve been true for a long time, but since July, he’d at least started to figure out what he wanted and planned to work for it.

“What’s that Billy Joel song again? Something like Vienna Waits for You? Take it to heart.”

“It’s none of your business how I live my life,” Remus replied coolly. James didn’t take offense. Smiling, he said, “I can’t help it. Someone has to look after you lot.”

“We’re not charity cases, James,” Remus reminded him.

“No, you’re my friends.”

You’re my friends, the words echoed in Sirius’ head.

Once again, he found himself wondering how James could care so much about others without breaking under the weight. How did he manage to give so much without leaving nothing for himself?

Sirius spoke without thinking: “You do know that you don’t have to take care of everyone? You’re not responsible for everything.”

James paused, his hand hovering mid-air on its way to ruffle his messy hair. His brow furrowed. Without his glasses, he looked much younger—barely older than a child.

“Well… if I don’t do that…” He hesitated and shrugged, though it didn’t look nonchalant at all. “What else am I supposed to do, right? Or what else am I good for? Honestly, I’m pretty clueless when I’m left to my own devices, believe it or not.”

These words surprised Sirius. James let out a short, hollow laugh.

“Sometimes I think that I… Ah, never mind.”

“What? Go on.”

“It’s just that all I know is what other people want from me to make them happy. And it works rather well, doesn’t it?” he scoffed. He looked expectantly at Sirius and then at Remus. Neither of them answered. “I hope it works well. Otherwise, I suppose I’m useless.”

“James!” Sirius gasped and propped himself up on his elbows to get a better look at his best friend. “I—you’re not useless!”

“Whatever,” James said, obviously trying to deflect from his vulnerable honesty. “Anyone else fancy sharing a secret with the class?”

Sirius was still stunned by James’ revelation. He couldn’t help but feel ashamed, wondering if, in moments of despair, he relied a little too much on his best friend and his ability to lift his spirits. Maybe it was too much for James? Maybe he was too much for James?

“Just shared my biggest fear, so...” Peter said.

James tilted his head. “Remus? Anything weighing on your mind?”

Sirius snorted. “Have we really sunk so low that we’re spilling our deepest secrets to each other like a bunch of girls?!”

Even in the darkness, he could feel Remus’ eyes on him. James merely shrugged.

“It brings us closer together, I suppose. Besides, saying how you feel never harms a real friendship. Quite the opposite, really.”

“I don’t have a secret. Sorry.”

“No,” James chuckled, “you’re an open book.”

Then, out of the blue, Remus said, “I think if I don’t get out of Godric’s Hollow, I’ll never be happy in life.”

Everyone stared at him, taken aback. Remus sharing something about his worries?! That hardly ever happened. He sank just a little deeper under his blanket, as if trying to disappear.

“You… well…” James stammered, clearly too perplexed to come up with a clever response. “That’s not true. You’ll be happy no matter where you are.”

“Doesn’t feel like it, though. My dad doesn’t want me to go to university. He’d rather I fix up the farm and take it over one day.”

“Wow, seriously?”

“Yeah. He thinks uni is a complete waste of time. In his opinion, I should just keep working at the Lovegood farm until I’ve got enough experience to turn our scrapheap of a farm into something functional.”

“Since when do you listen to your dad?” Sirius asked, harsher than he intended. He couldn’t help it. Lyall had been pissing him off for a while now. He even forgot he wasn’t speaking to Remus. “It’s not like you have to do what he wants.”

“I actually thought you of all people would understand what it’s like to live up to parental expectations,” Remus shot back. Sirius’ heart skipped a beat.

“Well, I’m done with all that. I don’t give a shit about what my parents want from me.” Not that they ever cared about what he wanted from them.

“It’s not that easy when you actually like your parents,” Remus said irritably. “It might be a relief to have left everything behind for you. But my dad ain’t rich like yours. We don’t have any extra money lying around to invest in my education.”

“And all your jobs?” James asked cautiously.

“Yeah, you’re always working,” Peter chimed in. “I thought the money was for uni?”

“It is,” Remus sighed. “I’d have enough saved up technically. My dad still doesn’t want me to go.”

“Why not?” Sirius demanded.

“It’s actually quite simple. To my dad, farm work is far more tangible and plausible than the idea of sending me off who knows where just to get a degree and never come back. It’s all he’s ever known from his own father.”

“So, he wants you to give up on your dreams because he never got to fulfil his?”

“Don’t know if he ever even dreamt of leaving…”

Sirius was getting more and more agitated. “He doesn’t get to decide what you do with your life!” he growled. By now, he had fully sat up in bed. “That’s bloody ridiculous. You’ve been planning every step of your future down to the last detail since first year, and now you’re supposed to throw it all away just because your dad says so?!”

He could sense how this topic enraged him more than it probably should. He couldn’t help it.

Remus looked at him for a few moments, then shook his head slightly, rubbing a tired hand over his face before sighing,

“Whatever. Who knows what the future holds.”

James frowned. “You should do whatever you want, Moony. It’d be a waste if the smartest one of us didn’t get to reach his full potential.”

Remus’ ears turned red. “Let’s talk about something else.”

“Alright, then it’s Sirius’ turn to spill a secret!” Peter said conspiratorially.

Sirius flopped back onto his bed. “Got nothing to hide.”

“Everyone’s got something to hide,” Peter prattled on, oblivious to Sirius’ sour expression.

Immediately, images of the lake flashed through his mind—warm air and hot skin against his, cool water trickling down his arms, ragged breaths that weren’t his own, desperate moans right by his ear…

“I don’t,” he snapped, hoping Peter would finally drop it.

Thankfully, James came to his rescue. He let out a loud yawn and then announced, “Let’s get some sleep, I’m knackered. Who knows where Joanna’s going to drag us tomorrow.” He cringed. “Oh, sorry, Pete. Don’t worry about tomorrow. You’ll sort it out.”

Peter mumbled something unintelligible before turning onto his other side. James wished them all sweet dreams.

Sirius stole one last glance at Remus, but he had already turned his back to him. He couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling that the times ahead would be nothing short of torture.

Chapter Text

18th August 1991

Remus sensed Sirius’s presence even before he opened his eyes. They were the only ones in the room. James and Peter must have already left, as their beds were both empty. Remus rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Like the past few days, he’d slept terribly—tangled dreams and a stiff neck greeting him in the morning. He wondered if he’d ever be able to fall asleep and wake up again without a pounding heart, or if it was now his fate to endure restless nights forever.

He propped himself up on his elbow to get a look at Sirius. His face was, as usual, pale, his eyes closed, mouth slightly open, and his dark hair falling over his forehead like silk.

Not for the first time, Remus thought about how perfect this boy was. Even in deep sleep, he remained untarnished, his polished façade unscathed. He didn’t even snore. It was almost unbelievable, but even more than that, it was infuriating. He wasn’t sure why. Probably because he hadn’t been able to look at Sirius the same way since the kiss. There was too much danger in meeting Sirius’s ice-blue eyes and finding nothing but ignorant lies and twisted half-truths that, at best, left Remus speechless and, at worst, made him spiral.

As always, when he thought about the kiss, his stomach seemed to shrink in on itself, bouncing around his insides like a rubber ball, making him feel sick. It wasn’t the kiss itself that unsettled him. It was everything that came after—the sheer shock written all over Sirius’s face, as if he knew he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Remus had tried to talk himself down, had almost found Sirius’s reaction comical, until Sirius had made everything worse by saying the words that had kept Remus awake that entire night: I swear, we’ll just pretend it never happened. It never happened, okay?

Remus knew Sirius regretted everything that had happened by the lake. Who knew what had come over them in that moment? The only certainty was that Sirius was ashamed—and that made Remus feel awful. Sirius would never want their friends to know he had kissed Remus. He cared too much about what they thought of him. He’d never leave his role behind just to do Remus a favour.

A favour?!

Remus sighed and let his head drop back onto the pillow. He really needed to stop pretending that kiss had been anything other than a huge mistake that had changed everything for the worse. Sometimes—in fleeting, dreamy moments when he let his thoughts run wild—he wondered if there had been a meaning behind Sirius’s actions. Of course, Sirius was impulsive (a little too impulsive for Remus’s liking), but there had been that one moment, that single second of hesitation before Sirius had closed the distance between them.

Was that one second really responsible for the constant headache Remus had been carrying around?

Speaking of headaches—

“Good morning, sunshines!” came James’s voice as he flung the door open.

Sirius groaned. Remus blinked.

“It’s time for breaaaaakfaaaast!”

“Jaaaaaaames!” Sirius whined, his voice thick with sleep, eyes screwed shut as if James had personally brought the sun into their room rather than just drawing back the curtains.

“Today is a wonderglorious day, my dear layabouts, made for city touring in beautiful Bristol.”

Sirius mumbled something and threw a pillow at him.

“A very good morning to you too, you grumpy git,” James singsonged. “If you’re lucky, there might still be some toast left before we set off.”

“What time is it?” Remus asked, trying to push the image of the lake out of his mind once again.

“Just before departure. So chop chop, lads.” James grabbed his jacket from the chair before leaving the room just as dramatically as he had entered. “We’ll be expecting you in ten!”

“God have mercy on me,” Sirius grumbled, rolling onto his side and pulling the blanket over his head. “There’s no escaping that man…” But he only managed to hide for ten seconds before James burst back in, cheerfully announcing,

“The car’s already running, and anyone who isn’t dressed in five seconds has to help Marlene’s aunt with house cleaning!”

“A pack of savages, the lot of you!” Sirius muttered, but he begrudgingly climbed out of bed to pull on a T-shirt.

Remus was halfway into his jeans when Peter’s voice drifted from the hallway:

“Don’t listen to James, the tea’s not even ready yet…”

Sirius froze and turned to James, slowly, almost menacingly. James let out a small, sheepish “Oops” before Sirius erupted into a full-on rant.

***

25th August 1991

More than a week had passed since the incident, and Remus felt he was on the verge of being devoured alive by the unbearable awkwardness that cast its shadow over everything around him.

Whenever he and Sirius crossed paths—whether on the way to school or while Remus was delivering milk to the neighbours—Sirius either avoided looking in his direction altogether or quickly busied himself with something else. School was unbearable. Sitting next to the boy felt like some cruel joke. Remus never knew whether he should bring it up. He often came close to confronting him, only to hold himself back at the last moment. What if Sirius denied that anything had happened at all? He had said they should pretend nothing had ever happened. Maybe Sirius expected Remus to keep up that lie, too. It wasn’t until the third day of school that Remus forced himself to step over his own shadow and asked Sirius for a pencil—just to have something to talk to him about.

Sirius was acting more than strange. Louder and more inflated than ever, he spent the late summer coming up with the most reckless ideas and dragging his friends along with him. He dared them into challenges, snuck off with Mary to disco nights in town, and threw himself into the centre of every class discussion.

Even James found his best friend’s behaviour worrying, and he brought it up to Remus while Sirius was at the shops buying sweets. Sitting down beside Remus on the bench, he asked,

“What’re you reading?”

Without lifting his gaze from the page, Remus murmured, “Ever heard of Haruki Murakami?”

“Uh, can’t say that I have. Listen, I need to ask you something.”

Remus sighed and placed the tissue he was using as a bookmark between the pages before closing the book. “Alright.”

“It’s about Sirius. Have you noticed that he’s… you know. Acting a bit over the top?”

Remus considered the best way to dodge this conversation. “Maybe it’s the time of year.”

James’s serious expression didn’t falter. “I don’t know what’s up with him. He’s so restless. More stubborn than usual. Has something happened with Regulus?”

“They haven’t spoken since January.”

“Right, right. Do you think that’s what it is?”

“No idea,” Remus muttered, trying not to think too much about Sirius’s behaviour—especially because he had at least one theory about where his need for distraction was coming from.

“Maybe you could talk to him about it?”

“Me?”

“I’ve already tried, but he just tells me I’m worrying for no reason.”

“If he won’t even talk to you, then…” Remus trailed off, picturing himself trying to have a proper conversation with Sirius. “Can’t see that it’d help to be honest”

James gave him a pleading look. “Just try, okay? Maybe you’re right, and it’s just the weather.”

“Time of year.”

“What?”

Absentmindedly, Remus ran his fingers over the cover of his book. “Never mind.” He sighed again. “I just doubt he’ll talk to me.”

James raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Is this the part where you finally tell me what happened between you two?”

Remus’s heart skipped a beat. “What do you mean?”

“Did you have a fight? Lily and I are pretty sure you did. You’re acting like you barely know each other.”

Remus stared at his friend in disbelief. So much for no one noticing.

“We didn’t fight.”

“You sure? Not even one of your infamous little spats?” James asked curiously. “Alright, I only half believe you, but Lily says I shouldn’t get involved.”

“The wise Lily…”

“I should listen to her more. Maybe then my life would be perfect.” James winked. “Ahh, look who’s here.”

It was Sirius, grinning as he approached their friends with two plastic bags full of sweets.

“Alright, folks, dig in!”

While the others eagerly moved past Remus to grab their share of the snacks, he remained seated on the bench, his book forgotten in his hands. A sudden realisation struck him—he and Sirius would never go back to normal unless one of them made the first move.

Without fully realising it, Remus tracked Sirius’s every movement—how he stretched out his arm to hand Marlene a sweet, how he teased Peter by yanking the bag away just before he could reach it, how his face lit up when James joined him, playfully shoving his shoulder.

Sirius didn’t seem remotely bothered by the fact that his friendship with Remus was cracking. He was exactly where he belonged—at the centre of attention, thriving. He carried on effortlessly, without worry, without doubt. He had successfully forgotten the kiss.

When the bell rang, signalling the end of the break, and the students rushed back to class, Sirius glanced in Remus’s direction. For a brief moment, he almost looked surprised to find Remus already watching him. He hesitated, as if debating whether to approach and offer him something from the bag. But then he blinked, put on his usual carefree expression, and caught up with the others.

Remus remained on the bench. Technically, he had Physics with Sirius now.

Without thinking too much about it, he shoved his book into his bag, stood up, and walked off the school grounds.

Let his friends wonder where he had gone.

***

1 September 1991

“What did you get for question three?”

“Hang on.”

Instead to wait, Lily leaned halfway over him to get a look at his notebook.

“Not even three seconds of patience that woman…,” Remus muttered.

“Ha-haah! I got it right. Very good. I think I’ve finally cracked it,” Lily said, sounding pleased with herself.

They were lying side by side on her bed, working on their homework. Remus scratched his chin with his pencil.

“Alright then, explain how you got your answer,”

“Oi, this isn’t one of your tutoring sessions!” Lily protested, giving him a playful pinch in the side. “Just be happy your relentless attempts to teach me finally paid off.”

Remus smirked. “Oh well, you picked it up quickly. Quicker than James anyway.”

“Good. I’m trying to beat him in as many subjects as possible.”

“That’s child’s play for you.”

“It used to be. Back when he only focused on his pranks. He’s not as daft as he looks, you know.”

Remus snorted. He was well aware of Lily’s motivation to excel academically so she could outshine James in that area. It was good to see their relationship hadn’t changed that about her.

As children, Lily had told Remus about her fear of being labelled a swot and disliked for it. Petunia had been a nightmare, constantly convincing her sister that no one wanted to be friends with a know-it-all. Over time, Lily had grown more self-conscious, keeping her ambition to herself while never letting her performance falter.

In this, she and Remus were very much alike. Both craved the satisfaction of achieving exceptional academic success to pursue their dreams. Lily wanted to become a journalist and write about politics. Remus had been thinking about studying maths. What else was there for him? Every teacher he’d ever had in the subject had urged him not to squander his talent. He thought of his father and the farm, and his stomach twisted.

After a few minutes of focus, Lily suddenly said, “Have you talked to Sirius yet?”

Remus quickly jotted down his working before it slipped from his mind. “No. Why?”

“James told me you were planning to apologise to him.”

Remus flinched. “Why would I need to apologise?!”

“Oh, I thought—”

“We didn’t have a fight, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I know, Remus. Let me rephrase: James thinks you might be able to get Sirius to tell you what’s going on with him.”

Remus’s grip on his pencil tightened. “Does he think I’m responsible for how he’s acting?”

Lily placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “No. He just wants things to go back to normal, that’s all. You know what he’s like.” She gave him a knowing smile. Remus thought that smile should be studied—it always had a way of calming him.

At that moment, Mrs Evans walked in with a basket of freshly laundered clothes. Embarrassed, Lily and Remus sat up straight and shifted a few inches apart.

“Put these away and bring me the basket when you’re done, alright love?” Mrs Evans said, setting it on the floor before leaving the door slightly ajar.

Lily got up from the bed and began sorting the clothes.

“You know,” she said, “maybe you just need to wait for the right moment to talk to him. He’s more sensitive than people give him credit for. Here, hold this.” She tossed him a blouse. “It’s Petunia’s.”

Remus fiddled absentmindedly with a loose thread. He could bring up the kiss right now. How would she react? Would she still look at him the same way? What if everything changed? What if he ended up losing all his friends and found himself completely alone?

He tuned out the cascade of words spilling from her as she ranted about Petunia, complaining about how her sister deliberately left her things lying around to annoy her. She gestured wildly and rolled her eyes multiple times. Remus found it rather endearing.

There was no way he’d risk losing this. Not for anything.

***

3 September 1991

The only person Remus could confide in without fearing judgment was Marlene. She’d be the last person to find anything about the situation repulsive. If anyone understood what Remus was going through, it was her.

The problem was that he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her about it. He was too convinced that the whole thing wasn’t significant enough to burden others with. Marlene would delve too deeply into it, hunting for clues that the kiss might have meant something to Sirius. But it hadn’t! To Sirius, the kiss had been pure impulse—or a curious experiment in indulging a wild fantasy. And why not involve Remus in that? Sirius probably thought Remus was the least likely to resist his urges.

Had Sirius only kissed him as a sort of experiment? Remus tried to recall any moments where Sirius might have hinted at a possible unconventional inclination. The only thing that came to mind, though, were his own careless, perhaps reckless, remarks in Sirius’s presence. Maybe those had been stupid, thoughtless, and poorly considered, but for heaven’s sake! Would Sirius ever understand?

Remus thought he’d made it clear enough what he wanted—or rather, what he didn’t want. Evidently, Sirius had understood, given that he’d chosen Remus for his little experiment. And now? Experiment failed? Sirius didn’t want him.

In a foul mood, Remus set the milk bottles on the Potters’ doorstep. Just as he was about to turn on his heel and leave, Effie called cheerfully to him from the kitchen window.

“Remus, darling, would you like to stay for dinner?”

Remus hesitated. Having dinner at the Potters’ meant Sirius would be there.

“Er, I’ve got the rest of these to deliver...”

“Oh, don’t be silly, take a break,” Effie offered kindly. “Tell Xeno to give me a ring if he complains.”

With a resigned sigh, Remus set the crate of bottles down. There was no escaping Effie’s invitation. He followed her into the house.

“Can you fetch James and Sirius please? They won’t listen to me,” she said with a smile.

Remus headed upstairs. James’s room was empty, so he knocked on Sirius’s door.

“Done with your shower?” came Sirius’s muffled voice.

“It’s me. Remus. Effie calls for dinner.”

There was a pause—five full seconds—before Sirius abruptly opened the door and stood before him. His face showed a hint of surprise, but he masked it in an instant.

“What’re you doing here?”

“Effie invited me.”

“Right. For dinner?”

“Yeah. She called for you, too.”

“James is still in the shower. He’ll be ages.”

“Okay. But you’re ready.”

Remus started to leave, but Sirius stopped him.

“Can you come in for a second? I need to talk to you.”

“Now?” Remus asked, meaning the inconvenient timing, as dinner was about to start. Sirius misunderstood, taking it as an accusation.

“Sorry for bringing it up now,” he said awkwardly, scanning Remus’s face. Remus felt exposed under his gaze. “Please?”

Sirius held the door open, watching him expectantly. Remus thought he saw a quiet plea in his expression, so he obliged.

Sirius exhaled with relief. “How’re you?”

“Fine.”

“Good. How’s the start of term been?”

Remus scoffed. “Are you my mum or something?”

“Sorry, sorry. I’ll get straight to the point.”

But Sirius didn’t get straight to the point. Instead, he paced the room with his hands clasped behind his back. “So, uh, how are you?”

“Sirius,” Remus growled. “We’ve already covered that.”

“Bloody hell, Moony, I don’t know how to start this...”

A chill crept over Remus’s skin. He sat on the edge of the bed, his gaze fixed on Sirius.

“Can you be honest with me? Tell me how you really feel?” Sirius asked, his voice so raw with desperation it rendered Remus speechless. “How you... feel about me?”

Remus had no idea how to answer. What did Sirius expect him to feel? It seemed impossible to give him what he wanted. And that made Remus angry. Before he could stop himself, the frustration took over.

"Why do you even want to know?" he snapped.

Sirius’s expression darkened slightly. "Can you at least pretend you’re not mad at me?"

"Sirius, I—" Frustrated, Remus ran a hand over his face, forcing himself to stay calm. "What makes you think I’m mad at you?"

"You’ve been avoiding me for weeks!" Sirius shot back.

"I’ve been avoiding you?!" Remus echoed, outraged. "You’re the one who hasn’t said a single word to me!"

"Yeah, because…"

"Because what?"

Sirius hesitated before finally blurting out, "Because I thought that’s what you wanted!" He sounded miserable. "I messed everything up when I… you know. At the lake. I never wanted things to end up like this."

"Then maybe," Remus exhaled sharply, trying to steady his nerves, "you shouldn’t have been such a fucking hypocrite, because ever since Bristol, you’ve been acting like a stupid wanker."

Sirius dropped his gaze to the floor. "I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry."

"Well," Remus sighed, "we can’t change it now, can we?"

Sirius’s chest rose sharply as he inhaled. "No, we can’t."

They looked at each other. Remus was afraid that if he looked away now, they would never talk about this again. He had to do it. He had to try.

"Did you—"

"Boys!" Effie’s voice suddenly boomed from downstairs, making Remus flinch. "Dinner’s getting cold!"

"One second, Mum!" James called from the next room.

"We should go…," Sirius murmured. Before Remus could say anything else, Sirius brushed past him and was gone, leaving him sitting there alone.

***

4 September 1991

“So, are things sorted between you two now?” Lily asked over the phone. Remus wedged the receiver between his ear and shoulder, freeing up his hands to organise the screws into their proper compartments.

“Dunno. We’ve hardly spoken.”

“But you said you were with him yesterday.”

“For dinner with James’s family,” Remus clarified, stepping over the phone cord to reach the cabinet with the oil.

“Oh, I see. And you didn’t talk at all?”

“Well, a little. In his room. But it was...”

“It was what?”

“It was a bit awkward.”

“In what way?” Lily pressed.

At that moment, Uncle Theodore entered the shop floor. He looked every bit the stereotypical old-school tradesman—grubby overalls and a face streaked with oil smudges. He was Lyall’s brother, and while he was family, he didn’t have much fondness for Remus.

“I need your help,” he grunted curtly before disappearing back into his little office.

Sighing, Remus put the oil back in the cabinet. “I’ll call you back, Lils. Theo needs me for bookkeeping again.”

Lily sounded disappointed. “Alright, but don’t forget like last time.”

“I’ll call tonight,” Remus promised, then hung up.

Uncle Theodore indeed had a question about the last accounts, which he hadn’t submitted on time. He blamed Remus for not reminding him sooner. Swallowing his irritation, Remus focused on untangling the mess that Theodore called finances. The piles of documents scattered across the desk like the aftermath of a tornado didn’t help, so Remus started by filing the invoices into folders.

Theodore’s shop was in bad shape financially. For months, he hadn’t been able to pay his employees their full wages. As a result, Josh and Arthur had quit, leaving only Remus. With his measly four hours a week in the shop, Remus couldn’t possibly cover the workload that Josh and Arthur had handled, but Theodore didn’t want to hear any of it. His uncle grew increasingly surly as business worsened, snapping at Remus whenever their paths crossed.

Remus often thought about quitting and finding something better paid, but his father had forbidden it, warning him that he couldn’t possibly abandon his uncle in tough times. The only good thing about this job was that Remus could smoke as much as he wanted, undisturbed.

That day, Remus ended up staying five hours longer than usual. His uncle had left ages ago, off to the pub with his mates, barking at Remus to switch off all the lights before leaving.

As he sat there—in the stifling little office lit only by a dim bedside lamp, surrounded by a towering stack of files and the smoke swirling above his head—he shuddered at the mere thought of ending up like Uncle Theodore or his father one day. In both mindset and general life circumstances.

There had to be more to life for him. There simply had to be.

Remus never got around to calling Lily back that evening. By the time he wheeled his bike into the shed and reheated leftovers in the kitchen, the clock had already struck midnight.

***

10 September 1991

Remus was on his way to the Potters’ house; James had asked him to come over and explain the maths topic again. He wasn’t keen on it—he still had his own studying to do, and his mum had been nagging him for days to tidy his room. He’d already turned Peter down, but James had been insistent. To make things worse, Remus had just come from work and hadn’t eaten a thing since breakfast.

When he rang the doorbell, James greeted him with a wide grin,

“Straight to the garden!”

“The garden?” Remus repeated sceptically as he followed him. “Bit chilly to sit outside, why don’t we just—"

Remus froze. Sirius and Lily were sitting at the table, peeling oranges. Sirius’s face made it plain that he hadn’t expected Remus to show up. His eyes darted between Remus, James, and Lily, his expression darkening noticeably.

“Have a seat, Moony,” James instructed. Remus sat in the only available chair—beside Lily and across from Sirius.

“What’s this about?” Sirius demanded.

“An intervention,” James announced.

“For what?”

“It’s not really an intervention,” Lily corrected. “We just want to make sure there’re no misunderstandings causing issues between any of us.”

“Yeah, so why don’t we start with you two?” James suggested in a less-than-subtle attempt.

“You’ve got to be joking,” Sirius muttered irritably. “We don’t need babysitters.”

“No,” James began slowly, “but we’d still like to check if everything’s alright.”

“Mostly James would like to know,” Lily added, giving Remus an apologetic side eye. “I tried to tell him it’s none of his business.”

“How many times do I have to say it?” Remus snapped. “We’re not fighting.”

“Okay, but something did happen!” James insisted. Remus and Sirius’s eyes met for the briefest second, bringing up the memory in clear shape.

“Nothing happened,” Sirius mumbled, focusing on his orange again. Remus felt a flicker of irritation. They’d never be ready to talk about the kiss. Sirius wouldn’t even acknowledge that Remus wanted to.

“At least, not anything Sirius would ever admit to,” Remus said coolly. Sirius’s head shot up.

“See, that’s exactly what I mean!” James exclaimed, throwing up his hands. “Sirius’s constant evasiveness, Remus being annoyed—it’s so obvious! Why can’t you just talk to each other?”

“Stay out of it, James,” Sirius growled. He popped an orange slice into his mouth, the juice running down his chin. Remus looked away.

James opened his mouth to argue, but Remus beat him to it. “Leave it. Sirius is too childish for a proper talk.”

“Oh, come on, Remus,” Sirius snapped. “Like you’re so much better. Acting all mature, but you’ve ignored me just as much as I’ve ignored you.”

"So you admit you’ve been ignoring me!"

"Not on purpose!"

"Oh, really? Am I supposed to believe that?"

“You’re too bloody stubborn,” Sirius said in frustration. “Why can’t we just move on? At least I’m trying.”

“That’s exactly what we want,” James interjected hopefully. “For this ridiculous fight to end so everyone can get on with things.”

“James. Let them sort it out,” Lily said, raising an eyebrow.

James sighed. “Fine. We’re going. But if this isn’t sorted by the time I see you both on the bus tomorrow...” He and Lily got up. “Help yourselves to the oranges.”

Left alone, neither of them spoke at first. The only sound was the crunch as Sirius bit into another slice. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Those two are like leeches.”

“I’d meddle in everything too if I had as much free time as James.”

“How about you don’t talk with a full mouth?”

Sirius swallowed but immediately grabbed another slice. “They’re really good. Lily brought them. She wanted to make orange juice.”

“Mm-hm.”

Remus watched, faintly disgusted, as Sirius shoved an oversized segment into his mouth, the edges overlapping his teeth. Sirius grinned broadly and stupidly at the look on Remus’s face.

"You can’t stay serious for even three seconds, can you? And don’t you dare say ‘I’m always Sirius.’”

"Sorry," Sirius mumbled. He choked and started coughing. Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius patted his chest a few times and, between two coughs, pulled a face and said, "You should try one too."

“And you’re avoiding the topic again…”

“Sorry, was there something else?”

It took all of Remus’s willpower not to hurl an orange at him. “Yes, bloody hell, there was something else.”

Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his seat, popping another orange slice into his mouth. He avoided Remus’s gaze as he spoke. “Alright, you want to talk about it. But I’ve already apologised. More than once.”

“Has it occurred to you,” Remus said, struggling to keep his voice even, “that it’s not about apologising? It’s about you… at least acknowledging the kiss.”

Sirius’s cheeks flushed pink. “I did apologise, Moony,” he repeated softly.

"You can't even say it," Remus muttered, feeling almost disappointed. "You can't even say that we kissed, Sirius, and that's why you're a coward."

“I know, and I’m really sorry,” Sirius said, his voice strained. “I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know what came over me. Honestly, I don’t. Maybe I just…” He held himself back, as if he still needed to finish thinking through his answer. “Maybe I went a bit mental or something. I didn’t mean to do it, Moony. Not in a hundred years.”

Oh.

It felt like someone had peeled back his skin, leaving his heart exposed to every threat. Sirius hadn’t meant to kiss him. Remus’s theory had been right: the kiss meant nothing to Sirius. It was just an impulsive experiment.

For a moment, Remus couldn’t move. Then he forced himself to pull it together, masking his hurt. “Right. Well. I suppose that’s everything sorted then. Um…” He fumbled in his pocket, pretending to search for something—his wallet, a pen—anything to escape the conversation. Eventually, he found a crumpled piece of paper with a list of things he needed to buy for his mum. “I should probably head off. Got to do some shopping.”

“This late?”

“Yeah. The shop’s open another half hour. I’ll make it if I hurry.”

“Right. Hey, um, here.” Sirius handed him the other half of his orange. “Eat something, or you’ll keel over from hunger.”

Remus’s hand moved on its own, taking the orange. Without another word or saying goodbye to Lily and James, he left the garden.

***

Later that same evening, Remus called Marlene.

He told her about the lake, the kiss, Sirius’s reaction, and his efforts to brush the whole thing under the rug. He told her all of that but withheld how he felt—what he truly felt.

For a long, long time, Marlene didn’t say anything. Then, she bombarded him with questions.

“So you’re telling me that when we visited my aunt… that had already happened?”

“Yes. A few days before we left.”

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “I knew something was off!” She didn’t let him get a word in. “Sirius was acting so strange, like… And you were so clingy all the time–sorry, no offence. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

“I’m telling you now.”

“Yes, but, Remus, this is huge! Don’t you see?” Her voice was nearly shrill. “It’s completely mad. Absolute insanity. It’s—”

“It’s Sirius,” he interrupted.

Marlene sighed. He pictured her thoughtful expression. “It’s Sirius…” She didn’t speak again for a long time. Remus fiddled nervously with his fingers; his homework forgotten on the desk in front of him.

“What’re you going to do now?” she finally asked.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?!” Marlene repeated incredulously. “You can’t do nothing! How’s that supposed to work, huh? You’re friends.”

“Exactly, we’re friends. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not like a kiss changes everything.”

Oh, what a lie.

Remus rubbed his face while Marlene audibly gasped in outrage on the other end of the line.

“Maybe it doesn’t change everything. But something’s changed. What’re you hoping for now, Remus? Are you just going to pretend nothing happened? Are you going to turn into some kind of actor and carry on as if you didn’t share an intimate moment in such a breathtakingly romantic atmosphere…”

A rush of phantom sensations hit Remus all at once: every point of contact from Sirius’s touch flaring to life, like a ghostly imprint. In his mind’s eye, a dreamy vision formed—halting breaths and needy hands reaching for more, always more. The memory was never letting go of him again.

“Hello? You still there?”

“What?”

Marlene sighed again. “I asked you what you’re hoping for from the kiss.”

“It’s not as simple as you think, Marls.”

“I know that, actually.”

“I can’t hope for anything from the kiss because… it’d be pointless. Why hold on to something that has no future? It was a one-time thing. Sirius apologised. He regrets it. I regret it. Or at least… oh, I don’t know.” Remus desperately tried to sort through the chaos of his thoughts, but the tangle of emotions was far too overwhelming. “I’ll have to wait. I don’t have any other choice.”

“You’re always waiting, Remus,” Marlene said matter-of-factly, as though she were commenting on the weather. “Wait a little longer, and life’ll be over before you know it.”

“Well, you’re just as bad, always waiting too,” Remus tried to counter.

“Not quite. I’ve decided to tell Cas.”

“Wow, really?”

Marlene’s smile was evident in her voice as she replied, “I have to tell her before it’s too late. She and Ethan had another row. She’s thinking about ending things. And besides, saying how you feel is probably the most important thing you can do in life. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

“You got that from a self-help book.”

"Maybe. I've had a few desperate months behind me. Hey, I gotta go now. Homework doesn't do itself. Anyway, there's one more thing I wanna tell you." Remus waited eagerly. He was expecting some wise advice on how to handle the situation, or a heap of sympathy, but all that came was a mischievous, "Welcome to the club of loser homosexuals."

“I’m not—”

But before Remus could finish his sentence, the line went dead.

***

12th September 1991

Two days later, Remus encountered Sirius at the place where everything had started.

For a change, Remus found himself in the rare position of having absolutely nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon. He had finished his homework. His Advanced Maths class that morning was also done. Afterwards, he had gone straight to Lovegood Farm to check on the cows. After refilling their feed and cleaning out the stables, Xeno told him there wasn’t anything else for him to do. So, Remus went home, took a shower, read a book, thought about Sirius, forgot his book, and decided shortly after to spend what might be the last reasonably nice day at the lake.

That’s why, a little after three, he was on his bike, heading to Godric’s with the intention of lying on the dock and diving into the world of his book.

Too bad Sirius was there too.

Remus thought the world must be playing a cruel joke on him when he saw the other boy from afar. He was sitting on the dock, his bare feet dangling in the air, and next to him was a small radio playing a pop song.

For a moment, Remus considered turning on his heel and pretending he’d never been there. But then he thought better of it. Before the kiss, he wouldn’t have left. And if Sirius wanted to pretend everything was normal, Remus could do that too.

He made no effort to approach quietly. He wanted Sirius to see him. He always and constantly wanted Sirius to see him. He cleared his throat as he came closer. Sirius spun around. Remus nodded at him.

“Mind if I sit?” He gestured to a vague spot on the ground. Sirius shook his head. He blinked up at him and asked,

“What’re you doing here?”

“I thought I’d take advantage of the good weather before we’re graced with Britain’s glorious winter.”

“You’re usually up at the farm around this time.”

Remus sighed as he sat down. “Got the afternoon off. Nothing to do. Happens sometimes.”

Sirius wanted to say something; Remus could feel it, but he kept his mouth shut. Instead, he fiddled with his radio, trying to find a station that didn’t crackle. Meanwhile, Remus opened his book.

He managed to read uninterrupted for a whole 60 seconds before Sirius suddenly said,

“I’m thinking of getting a job, by the way.”

Remus looked up, surprised. “Really. Well, well, have you finally realised you can’t fund your music obsession with money you don’t have?”

“Had to happen sometime.” Sirius sounded like he was holding something back. “Got any recommendations?”

“Depends on what you’re after,” Remus replied, beginning to list. “If you want good pay, big firms are always looking for people for accounting. Steer clear of anything in hospitality if it’s flexible hours you’re after. And you don’t strike me as someone who’d want to get your hands dirty, so Lovegood Farm is not for you.”

Sirius gave him a sidelong glance, his face amused. Remus could have sighed with relief. It was the first time in weeks Sirius had looked at him like that.

“And what if I want to earn the most with the least amount of effort?”

Remus rolled his eyes. He had almost forgotten how annoying he could be.

“Sounds like your father talking, eh? A proper capitalist.” He meant it as a harmless joke, and Sirius took it as one, snorting in amusement and saying,

“Caught me there. Alright, I’ll put in some effort. At least sometimes. I’ll try my best, promise.”

Again, Remus rolled his eyes, but Sirius’s carefree grin was so infectious that his own mouth stretched into a smile.

“Sirius Black,” he teased, “you’re impossible.”

The carefree look in Sirius’s eyes vanished instantly. His brows furrowed, and he looked like he was about to apologise again.

“Remus, I think we… we…” He stammered, focusing his attention on the water in front of them and nervously fiddling with the radio. “We’re still friends, yeah?”

Remus’s heart sank three floors and did a somersault in the basement. Please don’t…

In a hoarse voice, he murmured a “Of course” into the air between them, unsure whether he was telling a grand lie they both desperately wanted to believe in or sealing their fate forever with the label “just friends.”

Sirius swallowed. Everything about him seemed uncharacteristic. He was all small and shrunken. “Okay.” He was still staring at the water’s surface, reflecting the cloud-covered sky. “Because I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he muttered quietly, turning his head away as if he didn’t want Remus to see him.

Remus thought he must have misheard. Not because Sirius had spoken so softly, but because the words seemed impossible.

“You… We… we’ll always be friends. The four of us. Always,” Remus said, repeating what James had once promised him as an insecure kid.

“Yeah, I guess.” Sirius sniffed and cleared his throat, focusing even more intently on the radio, which emitted indistinct sounds. “It’s just…I need you to be my friend.” Finally, he looked him in the eye and added a pleading “Please” that left Remus speechless. The blue in Sirius’s eyes both grounded and unleashed him. He couldn’t look away. He wanted Sirius to look at him in a hundred different ways—whether happy, disappointed, or pleading like now. Remus didn’t want Sirius to ever ignore him again.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said after a tense moment.

“Even… after everything?”

“Yes, Sirius. Even after the kiss.”

Sirius nodded, as if processing this, his gaze unwavering. He sounded worlds away as he echoed,
“Even after the kiss.”

Remus summoned every ounce of courage he had spent weeks failing to find. “It wasn’t as bad as you think.”

Sirius’s eyes flickered to Remus’s mouth and back again.

“Hm,” he murmured. For a moment, he hesitated, as if mustering his own courage. “How so?”

Remus shrugged. “The world didn’t end.”

Embarrassed, Sirius scratched his cheek. “Kinda acted like it, though.”

“We both did.”

“I was just convinced I’d ruined everything,” Sirius admitted. “Still kind of think I did.”

“It was awkward because we made it awkward. Afterwards,” Remus said thoughtfully.

Sirius stayed silent for a long time. Only the radio crackled softly in the background.
“Remus, I didn’t want it to mess things up between us—”

“Why did you do it?” Remus blurted out. Sirius’s eyes widened for a split second, as if he hadn’t expected the question.

“Don’t know…” he said evasively, staring at the lake again. “I thought there was a moment. When we came out of the water, you know? I felt it, and I guess I thought you did too.”

“I did.”

Sirius’s head snapped to him, hopeful. “You did?”

Remus nodded slowly. His mouth was full of words begging to be spoken, but all that came out was, “I did.” He could practically see Sirius’s mind trying to process the words.

“Okay. So you… wanted to as well? To kiss me, I mean.”

This time, it was Remus’s turn to look away, embarrassed. The big moment of honesty. Better to speak now than stay silent forever.

“Yes.”

Sirius seemed to melt at that single word. Within three seconds, his face displayed four emotions at once: disbelief, hope, panic, and finally, a burgeoning desire.

Remus held his gaze, feeling weightless and untethered, as though they were the only two people in existence—just him and Sirius. A shared solitude, free from intrusions. He shrugged, aiming for a casual gesture, and repeated, just to hear the words again and to offer a certainty that left no room for doubt: “I wanted to kiss you too, Sirius.”

“Do it, then,” Sirius whispered.

Remus’s heart skipped a beat before his body took over. Propping himself up on one hand, he leaned toward Sirius, cupping his cheek with the other. Even that touch—just his fingers against Sirius’s skin—sent a shiver coursing through him. Sirius watched him with wide, almost reverent eyes, like a hawk guarding its nest. Never look away again, Remus thought as he closed his eyes and tasted everything wild, good, unexplored, and unwritten on Sirius’s lips.

This kiss was different from the first. Softer, slower, as though they’d been gifted all the time in the world. Instead of hurried groping, Sirius’s hand moved to the nape of Remus’s neck, pulling him closer. His other thumb brushed Remus’s cheek, leaving a trail of warmth unlike anything Remus had ever felt.

He was thinking only one thing: More. More. More.

He leaned further forward, easing Sirius onto his back until his body rested gently against the wooden dock. Remus broke the kiss, meeting Sirius’s eyes only to find a silent plea for him to continue. So, he did. His lips sought Sirius’s again, his body pressing closer to bask in the other’s warmth entirely.

Everything else faded away. The sounds of the forest became nothing more than a meaningless murmur in the background. What mattered was Sirius’s soft moan as Remus slid a knee between his legs—a sound that nearly undid him. Drunk on sensation, Remus let his lips wander to Sirius’s neck. It wasn’t until the second time Sirius murmured his name that he registered it, stopping immediately with a spike of fear that he’d gone too far.

“Am I going too fast?” he asked, only then noticing how breathless he was.

Sirius’s mouth curved into a beautiful smile, his eyes alight.

“Is this real?”

“What?”

“Everything. Is it real?”

Remus frowned slightly, unsure how to answer. “Seems real enough to me.”

“Moony, you…” Sirius seemed to struggle for the right words. Impatient, Remus leaned in again, capturing his lips softly at first and then with more fervour as Sirius responded. But Sirius pulled back, his cheeks flushed, the sky reflected in his eyes. His expression turned into disbelieve.

“I never thought you’d want this from me,” he breathed.

Uncertain, Remus drew back slightly. “Is that a bad thing?”

Sirius searched his face, as if looking for an answer that might ease both their worries. “Do you think it’s strange for a boy to want another boy?”

Oh, how Remus wished he knew the right answer. He knew too little—about himself, about the world—to respond with certainty. He was inexperienced, scared of what lay beyond their small circle, and even more terrified of what their friends might think. Yet amidst all the unknowns, he was sure of one thing,

“I don’t think it’s strange that I want you.”

Sirius nodded, the tension visibly leaving him. His lips quirked into a slight smile. He closed the distance between them with a swift movement, pressing his lips to Remus’s again. Remus felt Sirius’s hands grip his upper arms tentatively, before Sirius pulled back, resting his forehead against Remus’s. For a moment, the world stood still—no wind, no rustling leaves, just the pounding of their hearts, loud in Remus’s ears.

For a while, that was all they did: bridge the distance between them and lie entwined on the ground, with limbs touching everywhere and nowhere at once. Somewhere deep in Remus' subconscious, something stirred. It came to life, slithering excitedly towards his rapidly beating heart, and maybe, for the first time in his life, it overshadowed his critical mind and the doubts it dragged along. Maybe, he thought, this wasn’t as wrong as he had once believed. And maybe Sirius was okay with it. Maybe he would settle for Remus after all. Maybe Remus was enough for him.

Chapter Text

Later that day...

Sirius lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, with the lingering shadow of the many kisses still on his lips, his heart swelling with the most wonderful feelings from the unexpected events. The night had already fallen, and outside, the deep, drawn-out “Hoo-hoo” of an owl echoed, accompanied by the wild chirping of crickets. Sirius’ thoughts circled around one thing: Remus.

Who would have thought that the boy would let him do that? Who would have thought that Remus was okay with the fact that Sirius wanted him? Who would have thought that Remus wanted from Sirius what Sirius wanted from him?

Sirius couldn’t wipe the delighted smile off his face. It stayed firmly in place, and no matter how hard he tried to fall asleep, the images from the afternoon popped into his mind instantly. This time, however, it didn’t bother him. Not in the slightest. He enjoyed the warmth that flowed through his veins and the uncertainty that came with knowing that he and Remus now had at least ten doors open to them, with maybe half of them offering a somewhat promising future.

They had barely spoken since then. Remus had done wonderful things to Sirius at the lake – kissed him in places that Sirius hadn’t even dreamed of – and Sirius had desperately tried to return the favour. He hoped that he had succeeded.

When the sun had long since set, and a chill had spread over Sirius’ skin, Remus gently traced his finger over it and whispered that it was time to leave. They had exchanged barely a word on the way back. Sirius was far too busy thinking about how to get closer to the other boy again, maybe jumping on him from behind and pinning him to the ground and staying there like they had at the jetty. He didn’t care about the cold or the darkness; he didn’t want their paths to part.

But he did none of those things. He remained silent, as did Remus, and every now and then their hands brushed, but neither dared to bridge the tiny gap between them and take the other’s hand. Neither pulled away, in case one of them did find the courage to do so.

In front of the Potter house, Sirius’ heart suddenly beat faster. He didn’t know what would happen next – whether the moment was over for good and whether they would go back to pretending nothing had ever happened. He didn’t know if he could handle it.

Just as he was about to open his mouth to ask, Remus beat him to it. “So, what now?”

A short, startled laugh escaped Sirius. “I was sorta hoping you’d answer that.”

A furrow appeared between Remus’ brows. Perhaps, Sirius thought, the boy had never calculated so many unknown variables in such a short time before.

“I mean, it wasn’t bad, was it?” he asked cautiously.

“Bad?” Sirius repeated, somewhat incredulously. “No, it was more like the opposite! I mean... you know...”

Remus nodded briefly, the furrow still there. A hint of discomfort crept across his face. “Do we tell the others?”

Sirius’ heart skipped a beat. “Do we have to?”

“I suppose not.”

Sirius weighed their options. They could keep it a secret. They could act as if nothing had ever happened. But Sirius knew that their friends weren’t stupid. He especially worried about Mary’s stalker-like tendencies. She had something of a magical laser-like gaze that was able to sniff out secrets. And she’d suspected something about Sirius for a while now. And was it really fair to keep it from Marlene? Someone had to be brought into the loop. Otherwise, Sirius feared he might have just imagined it all. If that wasn’t the case, he was being more selfish than he would admit. He didn’t want his friends to know. Why should they? It wasn’t any of their business what they did. Sirius didn’t want them meddling in their affairs and ruining whatever this was before it even had a chance to develop.

“We won’t say anything, alright?”

“Alright.”

They stared at each other. Sirius wanted so much more from that night, but he didn’t dare ask. What should he even ask for? He didn’t even know exactly what he hoped for.

“Alright,” Sirius repeated, hoping his eyes conveyed the little bit of confidence he was desperately holding on to in order to calm himself. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yup,” Remus said. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but the only thing he did, after a brief hesitation, was raise his hand awkwardly in goodbye. “See ya.” And then, with a swift turn, he walked toward his home. Sirius watched him until the night nearly swallowed him up. Only then did his body begin to move. Only then did he dare sit down at the table with the Potters and face James’ cluelessness.

In bed, Sirius realised there was another reason he didn’t want the others to know. It might sound foolish and childish, but he couldn’t shake the unease. He didn’t want people to know what he had done with Remus because they would treat him differently. And by “people,” he didn’t just mean his closest friends. He meant classmates, teachers, parents, and all the other people who knew him. They all had a different picture of him in their minds than the one he would present them. He didn’t want to lose his reputation as the carefree, sometimes hot-headed, but always charming boy. And that reputation included his status as a heartthrob. It mattered too much to him that others had a pure and, most importantly, completely normal image of him when they were thinking of him. He wasn’t going to risk that.

No, it was for the best that they wouldn’t say anything.

Pleased that they had made this decision together, Sirius finally fell asleep.

***

13th September 1991

There wasn’t a single opportunity to be alone with Remus the next day. Together with James, Sirius met the others at the bus stop. As usual, James sat next to Sirius, while Remus went straight to the back to work on his extra homework. They greeted each other as they did every morning before getting on the bus. Just a second of eye contact was enough for Sirius to spend the entire 20-minute ride thinking about nothing else but what he and Remus would do if they were alone right now.

James was chatting with Peter, who was sitting one seat ahead of them. Peter had been inconsolable for weeks. Joanna had sent a letter to Marlene just a day after they had left Bristol, announcing that she no longer wanted to be with him. In her words, she was just too young for a long-distance relationship.

Since then, Joanna had become a sore subject, and every time Peter started talking about her,his friends made it their top priority to distract him with something else. And that was exactly what James was doing now. He had volunteered to ask Peter about the dinosaur documentary Peter had been going on about since it aired.

Sirius risked a glance over his shoulder. Remus was bent over his notebook, concentrating. He looked up and their eyes met. Sirius wondered what was going on in the boy’s mind. It was impossible to tell. Remus’ frown appeared again, but it disappeared after only a second. His mouth twitched, and Sirius felt reassured that he wasn’t the only one wishing they were alone on that bus.

***

September 1991

What was happening with Remus was probably the most exhilarating and exciting thing Sirius had ever done in his life.

After a somewhat awkward and uncomfortable start, where their encounters often began in silence until one of them made the first move, they soon found a dynamic rhythm. They could easily tear themselves away from their friends and find a quiet spot to… well, to explore each other’s bodies in depth.

Afterwards, they often lay next to each other on the bed, sweaty with slowing pulses, messy hair, and thoughts that stubbornly lingered on the moments of intimacy. At least, that’s how it was for Sirius. He never knew what to think afterwards. Although they’d just shared an intimate moment, with Sirius pressing his mouth to all sorts of places on Remus’ skin, the aftermath always felt so much more intimate. They rarely spoke. Instead, each of them regulated their heartbeat, until Remus eventually got up, put on his T-shirt and jeans, and reluctantly said goodbye to Sirius.

It was only when Remus was gone that Sirius could breathe normally again. Usually, it took him an hour before his mind was free to think about anything else. Sometimes Sirius wished they would talk afterwards, but perhaps it was better that they didn’t. He didn’t want the same thing that James and Lily had with Remus. A relationship would ruin everything too quickly.

So, even though they didn’t talk about what they were doing in Sirius’ room, there was an unspoken understanding between them that they both needed it. And that’s why they didn’t stop.

***

24th September 1991

Sirius was lying on his bed, with Remus half on top of him. Remus ran his lips along Sirius’ neck, kissing him at a particularly ticklish spot, causing Sirius to laugh and reflexively try to turn away. Remus held him tight, leaning further in, so that now he was fully on top of him, and Sirius couldn’t escape. Smirking, Remus took advantage of his position and not only tickled him with his tongue on his neck, but also slid his hands under Sirius’ T-shirt to tease him at the hips.

Sirius struggled to free himself. “This isn’t fair!” he gasped, trying to push him away, but Remus just grinned crookedly and pinned both of Sirius’ arms to the mattress, so Sirius couldn’t shove him off.

“Gotcha,” Remus murmured contentedly. His eyes sparkled, and his grin widened as he celebrated his victory. Sirius’ breath caught, and his heart skipped a beat. He had never seen Remus like this – never seen him grin in this way or be so carefree as he was in that moment. The sight of him reminded Sirius of that night when he had escaped from boarding school — when they had sat in the car, blissful and triumphant, and Remus’s shining eyes and wild mop of hair had completely set Sirius alight.

Something inside Sirius was sparked again by the sight of Remus in this very moment. But before he could dwell any longer on whatever that something was, Remus closed the space between them and pressed his lips to Sirius’s, kissing him deeply and slowly, until every single thought in Sirius’s head burst apart. And even though Remus shamelessly took advantage of his position on top of him, Sirius didn’t mind in the slightest.

***

26th September 1991

Sundays had always been Sirius’ favourite days, but for the past few weeks, he liked them even more. Not only did he have no school and was allowed to sleep in, but James also spent most of his time with Lily and her family, which meant Sirius had the house to himself, and what was even better: Sunday was the only day of the week that Remus had no responsibilities. He didn’t have to attend extra classes, work, or do any other chores.

Sirius loved Sundays because it meant Remus finally had time for him.

He and Effie were sitting at the dining table, watching Remus eat the jam sandwich Effie had made for him when he arrived. Remus had stated he wasn’t hungry, but Effie didn’t want to her any of it.

“How’s school going?” she asked. Remus didn’t have a chance to swallow and answer before she carried on. “James told me about your plans to go to university after school. I think that’s very reasonable. I know your father was always obsessed with the idea of you taking over that old farm of him, but to be honest, I always thought you’d be better suited for an academic profession.” She smiled a warm smile. Remus, who always found conversations like this awkward, just nodded and took a bite of his sandwich to avoid responding. Effie turned to Sirius.

“What’re your plans?”

Caught off guard, Sirius furrowed his brow. “Uh, how about a good degree?”

“Well, I hope so,” Effie replied. “Now don’t tell me you haven’t thought about what you’ll do after school?” At Sirius’ somewhat discouraging response, she barely shrugged. “Well, I guess there’s still plenty of time to figure it out.”

“Yup,” Sirius cleared his throat. He impatiently waited for Remus to finish eating. “I’ve thought about getting a job. You know, like Remus.”

“Ah, really?” Effie raised her eyebrows in surprise. “You know you can live here for free, right? Monty and I don’t expect you to pay us back later...”

“Yeah, I know,” Sirius quickly interrupted. “But earning a little extra money can’t hurt.”

“Of course not,” Effie said. “I think that’s a very good idea, love. If you need help finding something, I’m sure Monty knows a man or two.”

Sirius nodded. “Thanks, but I’m sure I’ll find something.”

Smiling, she patted his arm. “Alright, love.” Then she got up to take Remus’ plate since he had finally finished eating.

Just as they were about to get up to go upstairs, they heard the front door swing open and James, muttering to himself, stomped up the stairs.

Effie, Remus, and Sirius exchanged a questioning glance.

“Trouble in Paradise?” Effie asked.

Sirius sighed. “Let’s go find out…”

James had already retreated in his room when Sirius knocked and announced they were holding an emergency meeting in his room. James stepped out with a sulky look on his face,

“I don’t need an emergency meeting.”

“Oh, well, that’s a relief,” Sirius said and was about to turn around when Remus asked:

“Something happen with Lily?”

James chewed on his lip, obviously weighing whether he needed an emergency meeting after all. Finally, he mumbled:

“We had a fight.”

Sirius let out an irritated “Great” just as Remus asked, “A bad fight?”

James shrugged, but his unusually tense posture revealed that it bothered him and that the fight was more than just a typical argument between the two.

“Wanna talk about it?” Remus patiently asked, and Sirius could see that James was glad he had asked.

“Yeah, okay.” He quickly brushed past Sirius and Remus into Sirius’ room and sat on the bed. Sirius squinted at Remus, but the boy just gave him a look that said, “You’d be a bad friend if you didn’t help him.” So, Sirius followed his best friend and listened to what he had to say.

James and Lily had fought because Petunia and Lily were basically always fighting, and James, according to Lily, had been trying too hard to reconcile the two sisters. Lily didn’t want James to get involved as it was none of his business, and James had insisted that it concerned him because it was his business. Outside, the rain was hammering against the windows, and Sirius was already mourning the lost time.

Remus tried to explain to James that the two sisters had been fighting since the dawn of time and that it was part of their nature not to reconcile.

James grumbled a dissatisfied “But surely something can be done.”

“Not your job, mate,” Sirius reminded him, shrugging. “Also, you don’t know enough about sibling stuff. Let it go.”

“Lily wants to reconcile with her sister, I know it!” James countered.

“Did she tell you?” Remus asked sceptically.

“No, but who wouldn’t want to make up with their sibling?”

Sirius sighed deeply. He looked at his best friend meaningfully. James understood immediately.

“Yeah, yeah, okay. I don’t know enough about sibling stuff to know what Lily wants.”

Pleased, Sirius clapped James on the shoulder. “Ding ding – hundred points. So, where were we? Ah yes. You wanted to go see Lily and apologise.”

James pulled a face. “Nah, I should probably apologise tomorrow when things have calmed down a bit. I was just with her. We might’ve gotten a bit... snippy.”

“You were the snippy one,” Remus said. “Lily never loses her cool.”

“You’re right,” James admitted. “I got too worked up. But how was I supposed to stay calm when she tells me how sad she is that she doesn’t get along with her sister, then in the next breath starts gossiping about her and Vernon? Clearly, she’s upset that—”

“James,” Sirius cut in as he began raising his voice. “You need a distraction. How about a bit of dribbling in the garden?”

“Well, maybe that’s not a bad idea,” James said aloud. “What else am I supposed to do? I’ll just go changing quickly. Let’s say in five?”

“Oh, actually I thought that...” Sirius paused as James gave him a questioning look. There was no reason why he shouldn’t kick some balls around with his mate. The fact that Remus was there didn’t change the fact that, in this situation, Sirius should stay with James to distract him from his fight with Lily.

“Yeah, alright, I’ll change too,” Sirius muttered. His mood instantly plummeted. Great. Now he had to go outside in the pouring rain, and he really wasn’t in the mood for that.

At least James seemed enthusiastic. “Perfect. I’ll show you that trick I was telling you the other day.”

James left the room without closing the door. Annoyed, Sirius walked to his wardrobe to grab a jersey.

“Bloody Potter, dragging me outside in this weather,” he grumbled under his breath.

“Wasn’t it your idea?” Remus’ voice came from behind. In the next moment, Sirius heard the door click shut.

“How was I supposed to know he’d be this inconsiderate? You’d think by now he’d had enough of football.”

“Five minutes can feel pretty long when you think about it.”

“Pah!” Sirius snapped. He had found his jersey and was tugging at the hem of his old T-shirt to change it. “He needs five whole minutes just to tie his stupid shoelaces.”

Suddenly, he felt Remus close behind him. “Good for us,” he whispered. His breath brushed against Sirius’ neck, and for a second, Sirius’ brain stopped working. His heart raced. He nearly melted when Remus placed a hand on his shoulder from behind and kissed the bare skin just below his ear. Sirius instinctively leaned against him and closed his eyes. He noticed Remus pulling at the hem of his T-shirt, so he moved slightly away from him, and before he knew it, Remus had pulled the shirt over his head, and Sirius turned to face him.

“How convenient,” Sirius murmured before pressing his lips to Remus’.

In the end, five minutes wasn’t nearly enough, and even ten minutes seemed like the blink of an eye. Still, they had to stop kissing when James suddenly knocked on the door and announced that he was waiting for Sirius.

“Fancy being goalkeeper, Moony?”

Sirius almost burst out laughing at the horrified look on Remus’ face.

“Uh, no thanks for asking, tough!”

“Sure,” James’s voice came from behind the door. “You’re still more than welcome to keep us company.”

“In the rain?”

“The terrace is covered!”

Remus pressed his lips together in frustration. Sirius snickered.

“I think Moony has homework to do. Was too slow,” Sirius called. Remus narrowed his eyes. Sirius shrugged.

“You’re not done with your homework, Moony?!” James asked, completely shocked. “I thought you did it with Lily during your free period!”

“Clearly, he struggled too much,” Sirius said, thoroughly enjoying teasing Remus.

“Hm, okay,” James said, obviously pondering how Remus could be struggling with homework. “You really need to slow down with your jobs, mates. You might be overwhelmed.”

Sirius bit his tongue to stop himself from laughing. Remus gave him an exasperated eyeroll.

“Yup, thanks for the advice. Maybe I’ll ask Sirius if I can copy off him next time. I’ll have one less thing to worry about that way.”

“Oi, I don’t wanna do my homework!” Sirius hissed. Remus just grinned.

“That kills two birds with one stone,” James concluded, unaware that Sirius was frantically shaking his head trying to get Remus to be quiet. “You get more time for yourself, and Sirius finally learns to do his homework on his own.”

“McGonagall would be delighted. Her favourite slacker finally takes school seriously,” Remus teased. Sirius punched him in the side, but Remus just laughed silently.

“I do take school very seriously!” Sirius said loudly.

“Hm, sure, that’s why you’re getting C´s even though you could easily be an A student,” James replied, now a bit further away.

“What’re you even doing?” Sirius asked, not taking his eyes off Remus, who was still looking far too smug.

“I’m looking for my shoes. Mum says they’re in the cupboard, but I swear I took them off downstairs…”

“Oh.” Sirius broke eye contact with Remus and walked to the door to open it. James was kneeling on the floor, his head stuck in the cupboard. “I have your shoes.”

“What? Ouch—” James knocked his head against the cupboard door. “Why?”

“To mess with you.”

“Great, I’ve been looking for them since Thursday,” James grumbled.

Sirius went back to his wardrobe, rummaged in one of the back corners, and pulled out James’s football shoes. James pursed his lips.

“That means your training is going to be ten times harder now.”

“My training?” Sirius repeated. “You mean our training.”

“My training’s on Mondays and Thursdays, Pads. Those little sessions in the garden are just for fun, to improve my fitness. So: let’s go!”

James slapped Sirius’ upper arm in an encouraging manner before excitedly skipping down the stairs.

“I’m going to kill him one day,” Sirius grumbled.

“I wish I could muster up even a shred of sympathy for you,” Remus said lightly.

“You’re too harsh.”

Remus shrugged. “Your idea—your consequences. And don’t say you didn’t know James would force you to play.”

“I actually had something else in mind for today,” Sirius mumbled quietly, in case James could hear them downstairs. “Something much better.”

Remus’s ears turned red, and for the briefest second, he was at a loss for words. But then he regained his composure and said, in a casual tone with a hint of a smile: “See you tomorrow.”

Sirius wished he could follow Remus—wherever he was going now. Probably home, to study or read. God knew he didn’t have enough time for that. Still, Sirius would’ve loved to steal that time from him if it meant getting all of his attention for himself.

But then, he thought, that would probably be one step too far.

***

5th October 1991

Dorcas had officially broken up with Ethan at the beginning of the week, and since Ethan’s ego took a serious hit and he couldn’t stand the fact that Dorcas had dumped him, he went around school telling everyone that it was actually he who had broken up with her.

Mary, Lily, and Marlene were particularly upset about this and offered to start a subtle smear campaign against Ethan, where a few embarrassing things about him would come to light (like how he only changed his socks every three days or how he would throw a tantrum over the smallest things), but Dorcas refused. She firmly insisted that she was above such childish antics and saw no point in making Ethan’s life miserable.

Although the girls accepted this, Sirius suspected that Mary and Marlene were still spreading a few rumours about Ethan. He’d already overheard students discussing twice in different contexts that Ethan had been forced to leave school halfway through the year because he had been caught dealing cannabis.

Since Sirius found these rumours quite amusing and didn’t think much of Ethan anyway, he added a little fuel to the fire by making up his own stories about him and passing them on.

When he told Remus about one of his latest genius ideas, however, the boy didn’t seem to find it funny at all. They were sitting in the library during their free period. Sirius only went to the library in emergencies, but Remus had practically forced him to study for their upcoming Latin test. (Well, okay – Remus had intended to use the free period "productively". Sirius had planned to go to the record store, but since Remus had other plans and he didn’t want to go alone, he ended up staying as well.)

Now, Remus was looking at him. He was probably annoyed that Sirius was distracting him from studying.

Sirius shrugged innocently. “What? As if you don’t find it hilarious that Ethan has a twin brother who’s in prison for skipping school too much.”

“First of all, Ethan doesn’t have a twin brother, and second of all, you can’t go to prison for skipping school. Otherwise, you and James would’ve been locked up by now.”

“People have no idea what you can actually go to prison for. I overheard Sharon and Kate the other day worrying whether they were going to get into trouble with the police for writing ‘Kiss my arse, Robin Bell’ on the gym wall. I mean, come on.”

“You can get into trouble with the police if you vandalise a wall.”

Sirius was surprised. “Really?”

Remus looked at him, stunned. “Yes? It’s called criminal damage.”

“Hm,” Sirius hummed. “Anyway, it’ll stop people from skipping if they think they could end up in prison for it,” he said, rather pleased that he was even able to add a moral benefit to his rumour.

Remus sighed long and hard without losing his irritated expression. “Now don’t try to make some heroic reason behind your meanness. Dorcas said she doesn’t want us to talk badly about Ethan.”

“Yeah, yeah...” Sirius said boredly, glancing around the room filled with books and empty tables to find a new topic. He watched as two crows on the windowsill fought over a piece of bread and casually asked, “You free after school today?”

“Got to fill in for Theodore.”

“Again?”

“Yup.”

Sirius was highly irritated with Theo. Although he didn’t really know the guy, he kept demanding that Remus fill in for him at the last minute because employees were missing.

Remus absentmindedly scratched his chin, leaving a blot of ink. Sirius felt, unintentionally, put out. It wasn’t that he was selfish and wanted Remus all to himself, but he couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling that the time they had together just wasn’t enough. It almost felt like time itself was working against them. Sirius couldn’t explain it.

He probably sounded grumpier than he intended when he said, “Your uncle’s really taking advantage of you, isn’t he?”

Remus didn’t look up from his notes. “Well, what am I supposed to do?”

Sirius sat up straighter. This was the moment he’d been waiting for. “Quit.”

To his surprise, Remus still hadn’t given him his full attention. “Can’t,” he said flatly.

“Why not?”

“It wouldn’t be right.”

“Why?”

Remus bit the inside of his cheek. It seemed like he wanted to say something else first, but then changed his mind and explained, “It’s not that bad. At least I get paid.”

“What about your overtime?”

Finally, Remus looked up. He sighed a brief, guilty “No.”

Sirius gave him a meaningful look, which Remus ignored as he turned back to his Latin notes.

The crows were back on the window ledge. One cheekily snatched a breadcrumb from the other’s beak and flew off hurriedly. Sirius looked around the library. There were only a handful of sixth formers there who had bothered to study during their free period. He recognised Severus Snape’s greasy head at the back, huddled in a dark corner over his notes. Sirius was glad Lily no longer had much to do with him. Although the end of their friendship had been brewing for months, it was clear that since Lily started going out with James, she was no longer on good terms with Snape. Apparently, he hadn’t taken the news well.

“Such a shame Severus has to do Latin with us. I should’ve dropped the subject. Then I wouldn’t have to look at his face anymore.”

“One minute.”

“What?”

Remus put his pen down and frowned. “You managed to stay quiet for one minute.”

Sirius had to stop himself from pouting. “I’m bored.”

“Why don’t you start writing flashcards?”

“Not in the mood.”

“Should I quiz you?”

Sirius made a face of disgust.

Remus sighed. “Do you want to go to the record store?”

“Yes!” Sirius said eagerly.

“Okay,” Remus said, packing up his things. Sirius hadn’t even unpacked his. “I’m not going to study anyway, am I?”

“Ha-ha!” Sirius crowed triumphantly. “There’s more important things to do than studying!”

“I have to be back in time for next period,” Remus warned him. “So you’d better decide now whether you want Nirvana or the new U2 album.”

“I’m leaning towards Nirvana. Never heard of them.” What Sirius didn’t say was that he’d much rather buy the album that was best for making out to.

A few minutes later, as Sirius and Remus stood in a small alley next to the shop, having a quick smoke before their next class, Sirius asked if Remus wanted to come over after work to listen to the album together.

“Can’t. Got to study for the Latin test.”

“Oh, come on,” Sirius complained. “The test isn’t even that important.”

“Well, if I’d had a chance to study earlier…”

“Your fault for dragging me to the library.”

“True.”

“You don’t have enough time.”

Remus looked at him sideways. “You mean for you?”

Sirius felt his neck heat up. “In general,” he said. “The others are upset they don’t see you much either.”

“We literally see each other every day.”

“At school,” Sirius said meaningfully. “We’d like to meet up outside of school for a change. Peter doesn’t even remember what you look like outside of your school uniform.”

Remus puffed out the smoke and mumbled a noncommittal “Hm-hm.” He fished around in his jacket for gum and offered some to Sirius. “I’ll have time for you lot eventually.”

Sirius was far from satisfied with this answer. He took the gum and fiddled with its plastic wrapping absentmindedly. “I wish you had more time now,” he muttered. He didn’t care how pathetic that might sound – it was the truth.

Remus threw his cigarette on the pavement. He tilted his head slightly to the side and smiled. “You’re desperate for a job, aren’t you?”

“Hm? What?”

“You said you’re looking for work,” Remus explained, still smiling. “I’ve got an idea.”

***

9th October 1991

"So, you wanna work for me then?"

"Looks like it."

"Hmm."

Sirius tried not to fidget nervously in his chair. Instead, he clasped his hands in his lap and focused on the stout man sitting across from him, behind the cluttered desk. Despite his close relation to Remus, the man bore no resemblance to him. He looked a lot like his brother Lyall, but his unkempt beard and the deep lines around his eyes seemed to erase any similarity that might remind Sirius of his nephew. Not to mention, Theo’s expressions and way of speaking were so far from Remus’s, it just didn’t make sense to Sirius that they could possibly be related.

He waited to see if Theo would say anything more than just a non-committal "Hmm," which could mean anything or nothing at all. Sirius had a distinct dislike for the man, and he was sure the feeling was mutual. He weighed up his next move, but Theo beat him to it.

"You’re going to the same school as Remus."

Sirius wasn’t sure if that was a question or just a statement.

"Er—"

"Got any experience with all this stuff ’round here?"

Sirius assumed 'all this stuff' referred to the hardware shop where he was hoping to start working.

"Well, not really..." Sirius admitted sheepishly, and for a second, he wanted to slap himself. Remus had told him to lie during interviews to make a good impression.

Theo grunted again, a vague, non-committal "Hmm," and took another sip of his coffee. He then took a drag from his cigarette, put it back in the ashtray, and folded his hands on the desk. "I don’t pay all that well."

"Oh, that’s fine," Sirius said. He hadn’t expected anything else.

"And I’d rather say this now than listen to you moan about it later," Theo grumbled. "I’m a bit short on cash, and I might not be able to keep you around for long. But if you put in the effort, you might be worth the money. So, no messing around."

"I won’t, sir. Promise."

Theo stared at him in disbelief at Sirius’s politeness but then he shook his head almost imperceptibly. "Right. I’ll get the contract out for you, but I better tell you right now, you should forget it. It’s more or less just a formality to avoid any legal hassle. It’s more of a trust-based thing ’round here, if you get what I mean."

"Uh, yeah, I get it." Sirius tried to keep his face neutral, but in his mind, he could hear his father’s stern voice chastising him for his naivety. At the sound of his voice, Sirius flinched. He’d internalised far too much of his father’s nonsense.

Theo sniffed loudly and made a rather disgusting noise. "Right, so that’s sorted. You can start straight away. You’ll mostly be working Mondays and Fridays to make sure your hours don’t overlap too much with Remus. But I need someone at the tills on weekends too, so you two need to sort that out." He extended his calloused hand across the table. "You’re hired, son."

Sirius took his hand, a little dazed.

"But I’ll warn you, son. No funny business."

Theo’s narrowed eyes and the numerous scratches on his face made him look almost intimidating. If Remus hadn’t already warned Sirius, he would have had more doubts about the situation. But thanks to Remus’s warning, he knew that Theo, despite his gruff exterior, was harmless.

Sirius repeated his best manners, promising that he had no intention of messing about.

Theo stuck his cigarette in his mouth and dismissed him. Outside in the shop area, Remus was waiting behind the counter, looking up expectantly.

"So?" Remus asked.

"Well, what can I say?" Sirius said modestly, sticking his hands in his pockets as he strolled casually over to him. "Looks like we’re workmates from now on."

Remus’s mouth turned into a smile, which he immediately suppressed.

"Told you the old man would hire you, desperate as he is."

"Well, thanks for that, mate, that he’s hiring me just because he’s desperate."

"Sorry, I forgot. He hired you because he felt sorry for you when he saw how desperate you were."

Sirius gave him a playful shove. "Ha-ha. Be glad you won’t be so bored anymore."

"To be honest, I’ve always made the most of my time here," Remus replied. "Where else can I get peace and quiet from you idiots?"

"How about the cow field on the hill? Or the manure pile? Or the barn?"

"Hmm, true. Nothing beats a bit of peace on a farm where Xeno comes round every five minutes with a new job for me."

"Maybe I should’ve worked for the Lovegoods after all," Sirius said, pretending to think it over.

"You wouldn’t last a day."

"That’s a bit harsh—"

"But true."

"Besides, you’re exaggerating. You’re underestimating my abilities."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Right, how could I forget? With your abilities, you probably would’ve made it through to the next day."

"At least."

Remus smiled. Sirius smiled back just as amused. Remus’s brown eyes were lit up by the rare autumn sunlight, making them appear much brighter and more vivid. Fine laugh lines formed around his eyes, and his curls fell casually over his forehead. He looked all soft and warm as he stood there in front of him. Without consciously thinking about what he was doing, Sirius brushed a curl from Remus’s forehead. He moved a little closer when doing so and could smell his shampoo mixed with various motor oils. Remus’s breath caught before he whispered, almost too quietly to hear,

"Do you want to... I mean, here? Now?" He sounded almost surprised or uncertain, as though he hadn’t expected Sirius to be thinking that way. His eyes flickered to Theo’s office door.

Embarrassed, Sirius stepped back slightly. He hadn’t meant to suggest anything. But of course, Remus thought that’s exactly what he meant. Why else would he touch him like that?

A familiar, yet unwanted feeling of shame crept up his throat. Confused by himself, he tried to sound as relaxed as possible as he said, "No, sorry, that would be... I mean, we shouldn’t risk it. Right?"

Remus looked at him. Sirius could practically see the wheels turning in his head. "Theo hardly ever leaves his little den, so..."

"So..." Sirius said, biting his lip to stop himself from saying something stupid.

Remus’s eyes dropped to Sirius’s lips and then back up. His expression showed that he couldn’t shake a certain image from his mind. Sirius could almost read the moment when he came to a decision.

"Fuck it," Remus muttered, before pulling Sirius in and kissing him deeply and passionately. Since no customers came by that day, and Theo was holed up in his office, probably smoking three packs of cigarettes, they had plenty of time to kill without anyone interrupting. Definitely not a bad first day at work, Sirius decided.

***

10th October 1991

Marlene hadn’t been celebrating her birthday for several years. She had asked Sirius on the phone to help her with the decorations. Although Sirius found it a bit odd that it was him and not one of her girlfriends who was supposed to help, he didn’t want to be a bad friend, so he agreed and rang her doorbell just ten minutes late.

"Ah, Sirius. Come in," she greeted him, pulling him inside by the arm.

"Hiya, Marls. Happy birthday!" he said, arms outstretched, but Marlene hurried past him without much acknowledgement.

"Just put your stuff on the dresser. Oh, and did you remember the music?"

"Yup. From Happy Mondays to U2, it’s all in there," he reported, taking off his jacket and following her into the living room, where she was busy hanging up colourful streamers.

"Help me with the other end of this string."

Sirius did as he was told, sticking one end to the window while Marlene climbed onto a chair to attach the other end to the ceiling light.

"Soooo, what’s with Cas?"

"Hm?"

"Dorcas? Or Mary? Or Lily? Are they still asleep, or why can’t they help you?"

Marlene hopped down from the chair and blew her fringe out of her face. "No idea, they’re not answering the phone."

"Where’re they?"

"Don’t know. Okay, now help me set the table."

"Yes, ma’am."

Suddenly, Marlene stopped in the middle of her movement and slapped her hand to her forehead.

"The cake!" she cried, rushing to the kitchen.

"Is it burnt?"

"Dunno!" She grabbed a dish towel and yanked open the oven. A huge cloud of smoke billowed out. Coughing and waving her hand, Marlene grabbed the cake, slammed it onto the kitchen table, and frantically waved the towel to clear the smoke.

"Shit, shit, shit..." she muttered tensely as she tried to salvage the charred cake.

Sirius didn’t know how to help, so he just stood there awkwardly, waiting.

"Bloody hell..." Marlene continued to curse, now grabbing a knife and cutting into the cake.

"Looks okay on the inside," Sirius tried.

"That’s what happens when you don’t set an alarm..." Marlene grumbled. "I knew it. Why did I even bother?"

The question seemed more directed at herself, so Sirius didn’t reply. Instead, he went to the window and opened it.

Marlene seemed to think for about five seconds before shrugging and giving Sirius an instruction: "Screw the cake. The table."

"Yup. On it," Sirius said.

For the next ten minutes, Sirius set the table, arranged flower vases, lit candles, and hung the remaining streamers. Meanwhile, Marlene was in the kitchen, talking to someone on the phone. From the dining room, he could only hear a few snippets of words:
"I messed up," and "I need help," and "New birthday cake" and "You’re an angel."

She returned with a much more relaxed expression, took a deep breath, and announced,
"Remus’s mum has leftover muffins. He’s bringing them over."

"Great, now you can relax."

Marlene looked around the room. "You didn’t do too bad. I bet Lily and Mary wouldn’t even notice you helped me. It’d look much worse if it were up to me." She sat down on a chair, massaging her forehead.

"We should start a party business."

"A party business? What’s that?"

"Well, a company that comes over to decorate for parties."

Marlene snorted. "What was I even thinking, celebrating my birthday in the first place?"

Sirius had actually wondered that himself. Not because he thought she shouldn’t celebrate, but because Marlene didn’t like celebrating birthdays. As long as Sirius could remember, she’d never thrown herself a birthday party on the 10th of October. Her friends always tried to give her presents and stuff, but they were never allowed to throw a party for her. Marlene was very particular about it. She had once said that she hated being the centre of attention.

"Well, you only turn sixteen once," Sirius said lightly.

Marlene looked wistfully at the ceiling. "I don’t want to get older..."

"Everything okay?" he asked cautiously.

She snapped out of it. "Yeah, fine. Are you done with the streamers?"

Sirius ignored her question. "Why haven’t you heard from the girls?"

"I told you, I’ve no idea where they are."

"But they’re coming, right?"

"They said they would."

"Where could they be?"

Marlene shrugged. She obviously didn’t want to stress about it. "Have you heard from Peter and how he’s doing with the breakup?"

"I think he’s probably getting over it. He only mentions her name in every fifth sentence, and honestly, that’s progress."

Marlene tilted her head. "It’s going to be so weird inviting Joanne in the future."

"Peter would definitely deserve a warning, so he can pack up and run before she gets here."

"So bad?" she chuckled.

"She broke his poor, fragile heart, Marls. First love! What do you expect?" he asked, feigning outrage.

Marlene made a face. "I can’t really imagine heartache. No idea what it’s like to have your heart broken. Must be awful, the way Peter’s acting."

"Well, Pete’s probably not a good gauge. He takes it way too seriously."

"You wouldn’t take a broken heart seriously?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Even if it were your own?"

He shrugged indifferently, but in his mind’s eye, he saw Remus in his arms, then his sudden cold absence. He had to suppress a sudden shiver.

"Then you’re pretty cold-hearted," Marlene said. She absentmindedly stroked her hand. "I think I’d die if someone broke my heart."

"Nah, you’re much tougher than that," Sirius countered. "You’d get through it."

"Do you think Dorcas’s heart was broken when things ended with Ethan?"

"Well, she dumped him, so I guess she broke his heart instead."

"But no one comes out of a breakup unscathed."

"I have. Never felt upset after one."

Marlene shot him a look that said she didn’t buy that. Sirius didn’t bother trying to convince her that he was telling the truth.

"She deserved better anyway," Marlene concluded, and there was that familiar, almost stubborn look she always wore when talking about Ethan and her best friend.

"Have you ever talked to her about it?"

Marlene looked at him. "I’ve tried. About thirty times. I’ve thought through everything: what I want to say, how I want to say it… But I’ve never been brave enough to actually do it."

"Just do it. I’m sure Dorcas won’t react badly."

"You might not quite get what’s at stake here—"

"Oh yeah, I do," Sirius blurted out. Marlene shot him a side-eye. He cleared his throat. "She’s your best friend, and you could lose that if you tell her how you feel. I get it. But do you really want to spend the rest of your life not knowing?"

"I hope I won’t be in love with her for the rest of my life!" Marlene said almost jokingly.

"Definitely not, but you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what would’ve happened if you’d told her. You’d never know how she would’ve responded, what she would’ve said to you... Could you live with that?"

Marlene’s eyebrows furrowed. She swallowed. "No, I couldn’t."

"See? Like James always says: telling someone how you feel never hurts a real friendship."

"Maybe I just need to drink up some courage," Marlene said dryly.

"Today?"

"No, today it’s only kid-friendly stuff," she sighed. "My parents wouldn’t let me celebrate otherwise. Plus, my brothers are home."

"Then another time." He gave her an encouraging smile, which she returned hesitantly. But instead of breaking eye contact, she lingered a moment longer, squinting as if she were about to interrogate him.

And that’s exactly what she did.

"How come you’ve never suffered from heartache after a breakup? Are you an even bigger arsehole than I thought?"

"First, ouch, and second, what can I say..." He pulled a smug face. "I probably deal with it better than others."

Marlene’s eyes narrowed even further. But not because she was angry, but because she was thinking. The typical Marlene-thinking look. "No, that’s not it. I know why."

Sirius suddenly got nervous.

"Aha, and why?"

"You’ve never been in love."

"Have you?"

"Don’t change the topic."

"Oh, come on—"

"Sirius."

"Fine. Alright. Maybe you’re right, and I’m some kind of robot. So what?" Sirius scratched his chin absently and flopped down into the chair opposite Marlene.

"I wouldn’t call you a robot," she replied. "You and your person will find each other sooner or later."

"My person? What’s that supposed to mean?"

"Now you’re just playing dumb."

"Did you pick that up from Dorcas’s mum? You hang around the Meadowes too much," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Ha-ha. Whatever."

"What if you’ve missed your person? Do you stay miserable forever?"

Marlene jumped onto Sirius’s sarcasm bandwagon and countered, "Sadly, yes. You’ll have to stay alone for the rest of your life."

Sirius dramatically sighed. "These aren’t great cards you’re dealing me, Marls."

She put on a sympathetic face. "If you’d paid me properly, I’d have told you more promising prospects."

Sirius was about to say something when the phone suddenly rang. Marlene jumped up and picked up the receiver.

"Yes, please? Oh my God, Lils! Where the hell are you lot?" She listened eagerly. Lily on the other line seemed to have a lot to say. Relief spread across Marlene’s face. "Okay, don’t sweat it. No, it’s all fine. Sirius helped me. The cake? Yeah, it’s... uh... Remus is bringing muffins! Yep... Okay, see you later!"

She hung up and turned back to Sirius, grinning.

"And?"

"They were in town running errands, and the bus broke down twice. Lucien picked them up. They’re getting ready at Lily’s and will head over later."

"See? They wouldn’t let you down."

Marlene smiled satisfied. "Do you think we can bake a cake in half an hour?"

"Dunno. Let’s give it a try."

They obviously didn’t manage to bake a cake in half an hour. But trying was fun. Neither Marlene nor Sirius were great in the kitchen, so chaos broke out within seconds: baking trays were crumbly, cutlery was scattered all over surfaces, and the book with the recipe was forgotten on the oven.

Just as the doorbell rang, they shoved the cake into the oven.

Sirius went to open the door. It was Remus. Instantly, the memory of yesterday flashed into his mind—when they’d kissed behind the counter at Theo’s shop. It had been exciting and a bit nerve-wracking, which only made it more intense. The danger of Theo walking in and catching them, lying on the floor, lingered in Sirius like oil, ready to spark the fire.

Remus’s eyes widened just slightly when he saw Sirius. He seemed to think for a second longer than usual about what to do. Finally, he breathed a short "Hi."

"Hi," Sirius echoed, also needing a second to realise he had to step aside so Remus could come in. When he finally moved aside and Remus entered the hallway, he lifted a plastic box.

"The muffins."

"Ah, perfect!" Marlene called happily. "Hi, Remus."

"Happy birthday, Marls," Remus said, hugging the girl. She couldn’t stop grinning.

"You two are my saviours today," she beamed as she pulled away from him. "What are they?"

Remus handed her the plastic box. "Blueberry."

Marlene sniffed the packaging and nodded in satisfaction. "Lovely. Give your mum a big kiss from me. What would we do without her? Oh, and without you, of course."

Remus’s cheeks went a bit redder. He scratched his neck, leaving an irritated spot just tickled by his hair. Sirius found the gesture strangely endearing and suddenly felt a swell of affection for him, making his heart beat faster. He wanted to touch Remus’s neck, gently brush that spot with no ulterior motive—just because it was his impulse, and he’d love to follow it without hesitation. He barely managed to stop himself.

Instead, he followed his friends into the dining room, listening to their conversation about the nice decorations ("That was all Sirius." "You’re joking, right?") and the cake they’d spent the last thirty minutes baking. Sirius barely felt present in the conversation—he just nodded occasionally or grinned when he thought it was appropriate—but his mind was elsewhere. It was with the touches on his skin, lips on his mouth, soft moans, and the hard floor in Theo’s shop.

When he finally managed to tear himself away from that memory, he realised, embarrassed, that he’d been staring at Remus for quite a while. He blinked and noticed Marlene watching him too. She raised an eyebrow slightly, and Sirius was reminded of the conversation they had earlier.

***

That same evening…

Sirius was just about to go to bed when he suddenly heard someone throw a stone at his window. He jumped and ran to the window to open it. Leaning out, he just about made out the outline of a lanky figure, which could only be Remus. Stunned, Sirius gave him a signal that he’d be right there.

Quickly, he put on his wellies and his jacket, then hurried out into the hallway, past James’s room, from which James’s off-key voice was booming out, singing along to a Johnny Cash song.

“What’re you doing here?” Sirius asked when he reached Remus.

Remus was out of breath. It was so cold that he puffed out little clouds of breath as he spoke.

“Marlene knows,” was all he said.

“Knows about...?”

Remus widened his eyes meaningfully, as though it wasn’t obvious.

“Oh.”

“Yup.”

“Are you sure?”

“She knows.”

“Okay, but…” Sirius slowed down to sort out his thoughts. “You didn’t accidentally tell her or something?”

“How the hell am I supposed to accidentally tell her, Sirius?!”

“Dunno, sorry. We were careful!”

“Apparently not careful enough,” Remus snapped. Only then did Sirius realise that Remus was panicking.

“Did she talk to you about it?”

“She literally grilled me on it. It was a mistake staying longer after you lot left. She wanted to know everything—how long it’s been going on, where we first kissed, whether we’re together…” Remus paused, looking away.

“What did you tell her?” Sirius pressed.

“The truth. I couldn’t lie to her, could I?” Remus said cautiously.

Sirius thought about this. It had seemed like a matter of time before Marlene found out.

He exhaled slowly, trying to sound sincere as he said, “You did the right thing.”

“So you’re okay with her knowing?”

Sirius checked in with himself. “I think it’s okay.”

Remus let out a relieved breath. “Okay. Good.”

Sirius suppressed a smile at the concerned look on Remus’s face. “You honestly thought the world was going to end, didn’t you?”

Remus’s head snapped toward him. “We agreed not to tell anyone.”

“We didn’t. Marls figured it out herself. Maybe it’s her lesbian superpowers or something.”

Remus had to bite his tongue to stop a grin from breaking out. “You’re mental.”

Sirius wiggled his eyebrows and made a face, which finally broke Remus’s façade.

“By the way, I think Mary’s figured it out too,” Sirius said. “She’s definitely more subtle about it than Marlene though. It’s not really her style to just ask directly.”

Remus’s grin faded. He cringed. “How does everyone know?”

“Well, Mary’s suspected for a while now.”

“How?!”

“Well…” Sirius scratched his earlobe awkwardly. “Mary’s actually known for a really long time. Long before we even started… this.”

Remus met his eyes with a mixture of confusion and shock.

“I think she figured it out on Valentine’s Day.”

“Valentine’s Day?!” Remus repeated, shocked.

“I told you she knew for a long time.”

“Yeah, but Sirius, Valentine’s Day was like eight months ago, I mean…” His eyes widened slightly as he realised. Sirius’s heart skipped a beat. Remus’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he whispered a quiet “Oh.”

The silence that followed was unbearable. For both of them. Sirius’s brain was racing through every possible excuse that would convince him he wasn’t just some obsessed, love-struck idiot who had been talking about Remus since Valentine’s Day. But he couldn’t think of anything reasonable.

Remus gathered himself and asked tentatively, “How long… I mean, for how long have you been…” He trailed off, then started again. “So you knew for a while that you’re a—”

“Yeah, I’ve known for a bit longer. How stupid do you think I am, Remus?” Sirius snapped arrogantly. “It’s not like one day out of the blue I suddenly felt the urge to snog you.”

Remus’s expression darkened immediately. “Sorry I didn’t have a clue,” he snapped back. “How was I supposed to know you eventually got behind my hints?”

Now it was Sirius’s turn to be confused. “What hints?”

“What hints, he asks...” Remus muttered sourly. “I seriously thought I’d made it obvious. Sometimes I even thought I was making it too easy for you and that you just didn’t want me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“I’m talking about all the times I straight up told you that I didn’t want to be with any girl!”

Sirius froze. “One minute you said that, and the next you said it was different than it is with Marlene! How was I supposed to keep track?”

Remus groaned in frustration, then steadied himself. “I’ve only ever told the truth. If you don’t get it, I can’t help you.”

Sirius’s anger suddenly flared up and threatened to boil over. “Just say what you mean,” he said, gritting his teeth.

“Marlene is gay. She’s a lesbian.”

“Yeah, so? I obviously never thought you were a lesbian,” Sirius said, not particularly politely.

Remus took a deep breath, clearly trying to keep his patience. “Ever heard of bisexuality?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of it,” Sirius grumbled.

“Okay. Do you get it now?”

Sirius understood. Still, he wanted to hear it from Remus’s mouth, so he pretended to be clueless.

Remus’s patience snapped. “Oh my god, I’m bisexual, Sirius!”

For some reason, that word bothered Sirius. He didn’t want any explanation behind what they were doing. He didn’t want to deal with the reasons behind it. Maybe he didn’t want to face himself, because if he did, he’d learn things about himself that he didn’t want to know.

He tried to process the word. His mind hit something that didn’t make sense.

“Then why did you say you didn’t want to be with a girl?”

Remus sighed. “It just came out wrong. I was fed up with you trying to hook me up with all these girls when in reality, it was you I—” He cut himself off, his mouth dropping open and his eyes shining. “I didn’t want you to pair me up with a girl,” he said, repeating what he’d said that time when Sirius had asked him about it on his birthday. But this time, Sirius was smarter than he’d been back then. His thoughts were tumbling over each other.

If his brain had been paying attention and interpreting things correctly, he and Remus had been wanting each other not just since August, but for much longer. Sirius didn’t quite know what to do with that information. Remus clearly didn’t know either.

“I think we’re both a bit stupid,” Sirius said flatly.

“I think we’re both a bit too proud to say what we really want to say,” Remus replied, hitting the nail on the head.

Sirius hummed, still stunned by the new revelations. “So, we’re alright, yeah?”

Remus frowned. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

“We just… carry on?”

“If you still want to?” Remus said cautiously.

“Of course I do.”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

They were in a rather unusual situation. Three months ago, this conversation would never have happened, but even if it had, they would have ended it with a casual "See you tomorrow" without thinking much about it.

Now, Sirius didn’t know exactly what Remus expected from him. Was he expecting a goodbye kiss? Or for him to walk him home and kiss him there?

He quickly dismissed the thought. Despite the recent changes, they certainly wouldn’t go as far as kissing each other to say hello or goodbye.

But otherwise… They hadn’t had such an honest and open conversation before. Maybe it was time to talk about new boundaries and expectations? What did they want now from this thing that had been established for some time?

Sirius’s thoughts were racing. Desperately, he tried to decide what to do. But he never had to make up his mind because just then, a faint creaking made them both jump.

“Pads, that you?!”

“James?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Where are you?”

Sirius saw James’s shadow first. “In the garden,” he called back quietly.

When James turned the corner, he stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Remus and Sirius. He was already wearing his pyjamas.

“What the hell are you two doing out here? Is there an after-party I don’t know about?”

“Er…” Sirius started uncertainly.

“I locked myself out and didn’t want to wake Mum and Dad, so I came here to get the key.”

“Oh, for god’s sake,” James yawned. “Must’ve taken longer with McKinnon, huh? Come on in, I’ll grab the key.”

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look.

Then Remus left Sirius and followed James to get the key.

Chapter Text

1st November 1991

"What would you do if a meteor hit the earth right this second?"

 "A meteor?"

"Yeah, you know, those massive things that wiped out the dinosaurs?"

Remus snorted. "Yeah, that’s them."

Sirius raised an eyebrow expectantly. "Well? What’d you do?"

"I wouldn’t do anything."

"That’s such a letdown."

"What, did you expect I’d start ticking off things on my bucket list?"

"Something like that."

Remus huffed and leaned over to grab the joint from the ashtray. They were lying in nothing but their boxers on Remus’ narrow bed that was barely big enough for the two of them. Their heads rested against the headboard, their legs were touching, as smoke thickened the already darkened room.

"Way too lazy for that," Remus said, taking a drag.

"You’re way too much of a pessimist," Sirius replied. "You’d probably say there’s no point even trying to tick anything off."

"Why do you assume I even have a list?"

"Everyone has a list."

"I don’t."

 "Sure you do."

 "What’s on yours then?"

Sirius squinted. He definitely had one. He blamed the weed for his mind drawing a blank. He felt Remus’ curious eyes on him and smirked. "Rob a bank."

Remus frowned. "Why? The money’d be pointless if the world’s about to end."

"Yeah, but at least I’d have robbed a bank."

"And for what exactly?"

"Adrenaline. Money. Fame..."

"I think you’ve watched too many Westerns."

Sirius smirked. "I think I’d just try to get famous."

"Why?"

"So I can get up on some big stage, with loads of cameras on me that show me live on TV."

"And then?"

Sirius closed his eyes. "Then I’d just say: 'Fuck you, Mum and Dad.' And walk off."

The mental image alone made him giddy. He could practically see their horrified faces in front of the telly at home.

"And then you’d still have plenty of time to make peace with Regulus."

The fantasy shattered instantly. Sirius gave Remus a look, but he just lay there, expression unreadable. Clearly, he was just messing with him. Sirius took another drag.

"Would you help me rob the bank?"

"Only if you explain what we’d do with the cash first."

"Easy," Sirius said, passing the joint back. "First, we buy a massive mansion. Then we throw the party of the century. Some epic band plays for us, obviously."

"Obviously."

"Tons of booze. Loads of weed." He nodded to the joint. "Everyone we know is there. And we party till sunrise. Then we jump in the Godrics and wait on the shore for the meteor to hit."

"Very poetic."

"Perfect final day, innit."

"We wouldn’t know if it was our last day. It’d go completely differently," Remus murmured. "We’d be stuck in class with Mr Binns, bored out of our skulls, and then BAM – meteor. Wouldn’t even get to say goodbye."

Sirius sighed dramatically. "Can’t I just have my version?"

Remus looked at him, raising the joint to his lips. His pupils were dilated, like two dark puddles, and his mouth slightly parted. In his hazy state, Sirius was completely entranced by the darkness in Remus’s expression and the quiet hunger hiding within it. He waited, tense with anticipation, as Remus slowly leaned in closer. But instead of kissing him, Remus blew a cloud of smoke straight into his face.

"Oi!" Sirius coughed. Remus just laughed. In a flash, Sirius grabbed his wrist, stole the joint, took a puff, and exhaled smoke back at him as Remus wriggled in protest.

"Fucking hell," Remus wheezed. Sirius was half on top of him now, grinning down. He was about to take another drag when Remus beat him to it, surged up, grabbed his face, and kissed him hard enough to make Sirius drop the joint.

Reflexively, Sirius pulled him closer, his tongue slipping into Remus’ mouth. The kiss grew wilder and messier until Sirius bit Remus’ lip, prompting him to break away. Sirius grinned triumphantly and nudged him back against the headboard. Seeing Remus all flushed and tousled sent a flutter through his chest.

"Serves you right," he said.

Remus’ swollen lower lip curved into a smile. "Mad man," he whispered.

Sirius leaned over him to grab the extinguished joint from the floor. "Got a lighter?"

Remus plucked it off the bedside table, lit up, then passed it back.

Sirius flopped down beside him. "Where did you say your mum was again?"

Remus shifted beside him. "She’s working as a cleaner now. Won’t be home till eleven."

"Didn’t know that," Sirius said. "Thought she still worked at that breakfast café."

"It shut down. Back in summer."

"Shame. Their pancakes were divine." Remus didn’t answer, but Sirius felt the tension in his body rise. "And your dad?"

"Pub."

Of course. Where else? Match night? Poker? Or just another regular Tuesday, which didn’t make it any better.

"He started drinking again?"

Remus stiffened further. Eyes fixed dead ahead. Sirius thought he wouldn’t answer, but then he muttered, "Don’t think he ever stopped."

"Still an alcoholic then," Sirius said flatly. And yes, he knew he was treading dangerous waters, that every word might push things too far and the tide could swallow his little fishing boat at any moment. But he had to say it anyway—to see how Remus would react.

As expected, Remus denied it. "An alcoholic would be way worse than him."

Sirius wondered what "worse" even meant to Remus. He wondered if Remus always downplayed the awful things he faced nearly every day—his dad, the headaches, the constant working—as not all that bad, simply because they were his awful things and not someone else’s. As if he refused to acknowledge that something could be considered awful just because he felt it that way—that he was allowed to feel it for exactly what it was.

Sirius didn’t know what to say so he said nothing. Instead, he stood up, stepped over Remus, and flicked through the CDs by the radio.

"Bit of a sad collection," he judged aloud. He knew Remus was rolling his eyes behind him. Remus had a ton of Bowie, some Queen, Led Zeppelin, and – for some reason – a few live recordings of the London Symphony Orchestra that gave Sirius flashbacks to his piano teacher.

But then something caught his eye. "Aha!" He pulled out the CD and slid it in. "I knew you were lying back then."

"What?"

Sirius skipped to the second-last track.

At the very first note, Remus groaned.

Take me out tonight

Where there’s music and there’s people

And they’re young and alive

"Turn it off," Remus ordered over the music.

Driving in your car

I never, never want to go home

Because I haven't got one

Anymore

"Nope," Sirius said with a mischievous grin. "Why’d you lie and say you didn’t have any The Smiths?"

Remus shot him a look. Sirius bobbed his head to the beat, laughing at himself.

"Oh come on, I’m not taking the piss." he promised.

"Mmhm."

"Don’t be so serious all the time. That’s me!"

"Alright, that’s it. No more crappy jokes."

Sirius was on him in a second. He tackled him, held him down. First, he hummed, then sang loudly:

"And if a double-decker bus crashes into us... TO DIE BY YOUR SIDE IS SUCH A HEAVENLY WAY TO DIEEE! "

Remus tried shoving him off – no chance.

"And if a ten-tonne truck kills the both of us... " Sirius leaned in, whisper-singing: To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine..."

Their eyes locked, just for a moment, and then Remus closed the gap with another kiss – this time slower, softer, without the need to prove something. Sirius sighed and shifted, his hand moving to Remus’ chest. Remus’ fingers curled in his hair, pulling him closer. Sirius leaned into the pull, lips travelling to Remus’ neck, hand trailing down his chest.

Just as his fingers slipped to the waistband of his boxers, Remus groaned,

"Jesus, Sirius, I can’t with this music..."

Sirius froze. Frankly, Mr. Shankly had started playing.

He stifled a grin and climbed off. "Fine, I’ll put on something else."

He began rifling through the CDs.

"Hmm, what’ve we got—"

"Just get back here," Remus said impatiently. There was an urgency in his voice that pleased Sirius greatly.

He obeyed. "Yes, sir."

***

3rd November 1991

“Happy birthdaaaay!”

Sirius didn’t stand a chance — before he could even blink, James Potter launched himself at him like a wrecking ball and body-slammed him right into the mattress.

“Jesus, Potter! Get the hell off me,” Sirius groaned, trying to shove him away. James finally rolled off, grinning like a maniac just inches from his face.

“Seventeen, mate. You’re finally seventeen!” he sang in a ridiculously cheerful tone, blowing his disgusting morning breath straight into Sirius’ face.

Sirius shoved him off properly this time and swung his legs out of bed. Even though it was stupidly early, he couldn’t stop himself grinning out of pure excitement.
He beamed at his mate:

“Fucking finally! Feels good to be getting older. One more year and I’m officially an adult!”

James clapped him on the back. “Sooo, when’re you gonna start learning to drive?”

“As soon as Monty’s got time to teach me, I guess...”

“He promised he’d teach me, so he’ll definitely do the same for you,” James said confidently.

Sirius couldn’t wait to get started. Anything that brought him closer to independence and adulthood was very welcome.

At breakfast there was toast, loads of bacon and eggs, orange juice and even a bit of chocolate. The Potters belted out “Happy Birthday” at full volume and gave him his presents with massive smiles.

Effie gifted him two new jumpers, James handed over what looked like a lifetime supply of sweets, and Monty gave him probably the best present of all: the promise to start driving lessons that weekend.

On the way to school, Sirius and James shared a bag of Haribo. At the junction, they ran into Peter.

“Alright, Pete? Want some?” James held the bag out.

“Cheers. Hey, happy birthday, Sirius,” Peter said, barely looking at him.

Sirius hadn’t expected confetti and a marching band, but even so, that was pretty underwhelming.

“Cheers, Wormy. You alright?”

Peter just nodded. He seemed a bit out of it, nervously chewing on his fingernails. As they walked to the bus stop, Sirius couldn’t shake the feeling that Peter kept glancing sideways at him, only to quickly look away whenever Sirius met his eyes.

Before he could think too much about it however, he was suddenly ambushed by a rib-crushing hug from Mary.

“Siriuuuus!” she squealed, planting a big smacker on his cheek. “Mate, we’ll need to get you a walking stick soon!”

“Or book you a room in a care home,” Marlene added, giving him a sharp pinch in the side.

Lily came up and kissed his other cheek. “Maybe we should just skip ahead and order you a coffin?”

Sirius gave the three of them a sugary smile. “We’ll see who’s laughing when you lot need a lift and guess who’s legally allowed to drive?”

Dorcas raised an eyebrow. “You’re finally learning to drive?”

“What d’you mean ‘finally’…”

“I’m absolutely gonna take advantage of that,” Mary said, touching up her lipstick. “I’ve got my eye on a certain Nick. He’s finishing A-levels next summer and moving to London. A personal chauffeur would be way more convenient than the bloody train.”

“Dream on,” Sirius replied sweetly. “Unless you go to gigs with me in London.”

Mary’s eyes lit up mischievously. “Look at you, trying so hard to become our third.”

“Who’s trying to be your third?”

Sirius turned around. Remus had just caught up and slid in between James and Peter.

Mary grinned. “Sirius, obviously.”

“And who’s Nick? You mean that bloke in Year 13?”

“That’s the one. Nick Bright. Absolute eye candy.”

“Not exactly known for his brains, though,” Marlene added. “From what I’ve heard, anyway…”

Mary just shrugged. “Doesn’t need to be smart for a bit of fun.”

Sirius noticed Marlene rolling her eyes and Lily and Dorcas exchanging looks.

“Oi, Gerald’s coming,” James said, pointing off in the distance. The bus wasn’t visible yet, but you could definitely hear it coming.

The group grabbed their bags, the girls adjusted their skirts, and James went straight to the front to be first on as usual.

Sirius looked around, hoping to spot Regulus, but oddly enough his little brother wasn’t at the stop today. He figured Thomas — their dad’s driver — must’ve taken him in.

Satisfied with that theory, he boarded the bus with his friends. Instead of sitting next to James, he dropped into the seat beside Remus — something he’d been doing more often lately. It was one of the few spots where they could actually talk in peace.

They always sat as far away from the others as they could, far enough to avoid Mary’s latest dating drama or the constant bickering from Marlene’s idiot brothers.

To Sirius’ disappointment though, Remus immediately pulled out his notebook and pen.

“Forgot your homework?” Sirius asked.

“Hmm,” Remus mumbled. “Was too knackered last night.”

“What time’d you get in?”

“Early enough. Just... had a bit of a—” he cut himself off. Sirius gave him a questioning look. “A bit of a situation,” Remus finished quietly.

“What happened?” Sirius pressed.

Remus stared out the window, then down at his hand gripping the pen. A tense line had formed between his brows. Sirius knew he'd rather change the subject — and a few months ago, he probably would have let him. But lately, Sirius had earned a certain privilege — or at least an advantage — when it came to seeing sides of Remus he usually kept hidden.

Remus exhaled slowly. “My Dad didn’t come home last night. Mum got worried eventually. She must’ve rung the pub like ten times. They said he was completely off his face. Couldn’t even stand straight. The guy on the phone said Dad was gonna drive home, but the car wouldn’t start, so they dragged him back inside.” His jaw tightened, eyes fixed on the pen. “Mum ended up taking the bus to the pub and brought him home in the car. It started again eventually.”

“Bullocks,” Sirius muttered.

“When they got home it was nearly two. He was just slurring his words, barely making sense, but he wouldn’t shut up. Just kept going on, moaning about everything. It was awful. Mum didn’t want to admit how pissed he was. Sat him down in the kitchen, tried to make him some toast — but all he wanted was another bloody pint.”

Remus’ grip on the pen tightened, his voice rising slightly with the tension. He was so caught up he didn’t even notice Sirius resting a hand over his.

“And once he finally managed to string a sentence together, he told us he’d been fired.” Remus gave a short, bitter laugh. “Didn’t even make it a full year.”

“Oh, why?”

“They caught him nicking stuff from work. Theft. Course he denies all of it.” Only now did his eyes flicker to Sirius’ hand, still resting on his own. He turned his palm and laced their fingers together. He was looking at their intertwined hands as though they didn’t belong to them. “He’s jobless again,” he added, after a beat.

Sirius gave his hand a firm squeeze. “He fucked up.”

“Yes, he did.”

“What did your mum say?”

“I don’t think she was that surprised,” Remus said quietly. “Maybe she saw it coming.”

“And your dad? Did he say anything?” He wanted to ask Did he apologise?
But Sirius knew better. If there was one thing he understood about fathers, it was that they never said sorry. Not his anyway. Not Remus’ either.

Remus was now absentmindedly brushing his thumb across Sirius’ hand. Sirius couldn’t remember a time they’d held hands before. But it was... nice.

Remus gave a small shrug. “He fell asleep on the toilet.”

Sirius blinked. “He what?”

“Happens sometimes…”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Sirius said, half laughing, half horrified. “He actually passed out on the bog?”

Remus gave a dry nod. “At least he managed to make it there this time.”

Sirius’ smile faded a bit. “Shit, Moony.”

“Yep. Literally shit.”

They looked at each other. Remus raised an eyebrow in deadpan sarcasm, which made Sirius grin again.

“That could totally happen to Pete,” Sirius said, loud enough for the blond head a few rows ahead to turn their way, confused.

“What could happen to me?” Peter called.

“Falling asleep on the loo while taking a dump!” Sirius shot back.

At least six other heads turned at once.

“Sirius!” Lily scolded from a few seats up. “Honestly…”

James shook his head in disapproval, though Sirius was pretty sure he was just suppressing a nasty comeback himself.

“What are you even talking about?” Marlene asked, looking genuinely concerned for their mental state.

“Only the important things, obviously,” Sirius replied, winking.

Peter flipped him off and turned back around. But Marlene and Mary both craned their necks to look over their seatbacks, prompting the boys to drop each other’s hands.

“Who actually fell asleep on the loo?” Mary asked.

“Keith Richards,” Sirius said without missing a beat.

“What, from the Rolling Stones?” she asked, intrigued.

“Yep,” Remus chimed in. “Awful man.”

“Fit as hell, though… was, anyway,” Mary added suggestively.

Marlene shot her a disapproving glare.

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop,” Mary muttered, giving Marlene a loud kiss on the cheek and leaving behind a big red lipstick mark. Marlene immediately tried to rub it off, looking annoyed. They turned around again, obviously disappointed with the revelation.

Without thinking, Sirius brought a hand to his own cheek. “Do I—? Wait, do I have something there?” he started, only to see Remus laughing. “You little shit. Why didn’t you say something?” Sirius grumbled, rubbing roughly at his face with his sleeve.

“I thought you were leaving it on purpose,” Remus said innocently. “So that everyone at school thinks you’ve got a new lover.”

“Cheers for that. Real helpful. Is it gone?”

Remus leaned in, scanning his face. “Still a bit red,” he said squinting his eyes — and before Sirius could react, he licked his thumb and wiped at his cheek.

“Oi!” Sirius flinched, but Remus held him by the shoulder, unfazed. “You’re like an old aunt at Christmas.”

Remus let go of him, grinning. It was a wide, genuine grin — and Sirius felt that flutter in his stomach again and his heart began beating faster and he had to look away for it was too much.

He wasn’t sure which one of them had moved closer. Maybe they both had. Now their shoulders were touching, and their hands were lying so close that Sirius would only have to stretch his little finger to feel the boy next to him. It lingered there just in case.

They stayed like that until the end of the ride. And even though Remus was focused on his homework, Sirius didn’t mind in the slightest. He didn’t need clever conversation or stupid jokes to enjoy being near him. Just sitting next to Remus was enough to make him feel content.

As Gerald finally pulled the bus to a stop in front of the school and everyone started piling out, Remus held Sirius by the wrist before he could follow the others.

“I completely forgot — it’s your birthday today, isn’t it?” Remus said, mock-surprised as though he had just realized.

Sirius played along, clutching his chest in fake offence. “And here I thought you’d actually forgotten! Me — the best person you know!”

Remus tilted his head with a small smile, and then in an unexpected movement leaned in closer and placed a soft, almost delicate kiss on his cheek. “Happy birthday.”

Sirius blinked at him, caught off guard. He had to stop himself from reaching up to touch the spot where Remus’ lips had just been — like some lovesick idiot.

“Thanks,” he breathed.

He wanted to kiss Remus, but they were outside the usual places where they allowed themselves that kind of closeness.  Even that kiss on the cheek had been risky, probably the boldest thing Remus could’ve done. Sirius wanted to take his hand and walk into school together, fingers interlaced, showing everyone his new lover.

In that moment, for the first time, Sirius wished Remus were a girl. It would’ve made everything so much easier. He’d have told his friends about them by now. He’d have kissed Remus out in the open, beyond the safety of their four walls. He might’ve even asked if he wanted to go to the movies with him — because that’s what came next, wasn’t it?

But Remus wasn’t a girl. And Sirius couldn’t kiss him here. And he wouldn’t ask him for a date. Their situation was different — thrilling, yes — but no less complicated. It offered little certainty, and even less space to act on impulse and pure will.

Sirius had no choice but to step off the bus with Remus — no kiss, no holding hands — only a quiet, unspoken conversation that said:

If we were anywhere else right now…

***

Effie had baked more than enough cake and was in the middle of setting the table when Sirius walked into the dining room with James and Peter after school.

“Mmm, lemon cake…” James said dreamily, already reaching for a slice.

“Ah ah, James,” Effie said, wagging a finger. “First slice goes to the birthday boy. Lovely to see you, Peter, dear. How’s your mum?”

Peter, who’d seemed withdrawn all day like he wasn’t feeling quite right, jolted at her voice as though pulled from far away. “She’s good, thanks. Oh bugger, I was supposed to bring back your casserole dish…”

Effie smiled. “No worries, I’ll see her tomorrow at our tea catch-up.”

“Right.”

“And how’s your dad doing? I heard he’s back from his business trip. Where was he again?”

“London,” Peter said. His eyes flicked to Sirius. “He actually had business stuff to do with your dad, by the way.”

Sirius looked up. “Mine? What for?”

“My dad works for my uncle’s company—it’s pretty big—so it’s not that surprising they’ve crossed paths, is it?” Peter replied with a shrug.

“So your uncle’s company is investing in the power plant now, yeah? Congratulations. They’re gonna make a killing,” Sirius said dryly.

Peter’s cheeks flushed. “My dad went to London to sign the contract, but when he came back, he told us he couldn’t go through with it.”

James frowned. “Why not?”

“You haven’t heard?” Peter asked nervously. “Your dad didn’t say anything?”

Sirius let out an exasperated sigh. “In case you haven’t noticed, Peter, my family and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms.”

Peter looked to Effie for backup, but she simply gave a clueless shrug. “Maybe Monty’s heard something,” she said. “But he doesn’t annoy me much with business stuff, bless him.”

Peter clearly hated being the one to pass on the message. “Turns out your dad’s caught up in a bit of a scandal.”

“He’s always in one or the other,” Sirius scoffed.

“This one’s… different,” Peter said carefully. “An investor’s threatening to sue him for money laundering and cronyism. Says he’ll go to the press if your dad doesn’t repay the money he lost. It’s a pretty big deal. Other companies—like my uncle’s—don’t want anything to do with it. They’re pulling out. I mean, I’m no expert, but it doesn’t look good for your family.”

It took Sirius a few moments to process this. His first instinct was to brush it off—his father was a sharp businessman, always had a way of talking himself out of trouble. But judging by Peter’s uneasy expression and the tight set of James’s mouth, this time might actually be worse than usual.

Effie spoke first. “I’m sure it’ll get sorted out. Maybe that investor’s just after money that’s not even his to begin with.”

James nodded. “And threatening to go to the press? Sounds like an attention-hungry vulture to me.”

“I’m just telling you what my dad told us. Maybe your brother knows more.” Peter offered gently.

“Regulus won’t tell me anything,” Sirius said flatly.

“You could write to him,” James suggested.

“Yeah, then you don’t have to talk to him,” Peter added.

“I can even give him the letter at school if you want,” James continued.

“I don’t want to talk to him,” Sirius snapped. “Or write to him. I don’t want to know anything because I don’t care.” He slumped into his chair, sulking. Out the corner of his eye, he saw James exchange a look with his mum.

“Not exactly birthday conversation, is it?” Effie said lightly, taking her seat as well. “Who wants tea?”

***

Peter went home after tea, and James left for football practice. Sirius wandered upstairs to his room and flopped listlessly onto his bed. His good mood had completely vanished. The only thing on his mind was his family. He wondered if he would know more about the scandal if he still lived with them. But then again, even back then, he’d always been kept in the dark about his father’s business affairs.

He spent the next hour torturing himself with thoughts of Regulus. What did all of this mean for him? Regulus was supposed to take over the family business one day. Would he stand by their father if it went to trial? Would he lie for him? For the first time in ages, Sirius allowed himself to miss his little brother. He wanted to ring him up and ask how he was doing. Ask if he missed him too.

But who was he kidding? Whenever Sirius caught fleeting glimpses of Regulus, he never looked like he was suffering. He looked calm, even composed. At just fifteen, he already seemed more grown up than his classmates.

The image that haunted him was Regulus next to their father, his hand proudly placed on Regulus’ shoulder, both wearing faint, restrained smiles.

Sirius cursed the elegant Black way of choosing today, of all days, to haunt him. It was almost like their humourless birthday present to him.

He would have liked to talk to Remus about it, but he was working at the Lovegoods’ farm and wouldn’t be able to pop by until later, if at all.

"My seventeenth is properly dull," Sirius had complained to him on the walk home after school.

Remus had raised an eyebrow. "We’re celebrating at the weekend."

"Yeah, but today’s so boring. All I have is tea with Peter and James."

"You should be grateful anyone’s paying attention to you."

Sirius had swatted him lightly on the arm. "Oi, I’m the birthday boy."

"And you’d have spent it alone if it weren’t for James and Pete."

Sirius kicked a stone on the pavement. "When are you coming round later?"

"Dunno. Xeno says there’s loads to do. He’s prepping the fields for winter."

"What does that even mean, prepping the fields for winter…"

Remus gave him a sideways look. "Are you sulking?"

"No, I’m not."

Remus laughed. "Sometimes you’re like a spoilt little brat who didn’t get his lollipop."

Sirius kicked another stone. "So are you coming tonight or not?"

"You mean for… you know. Once everyone’s gone to bed?"

"Yeah," Sirius said quietly, nudging Remus with his elbow. "Would be a nice present, just saying."

Remus snorted. "You’re greedy. Greed’s a sin, you know."

"Got a few other sins up my sleeve," Sirius replied without thinking.

"Fair enough," Remus muttered. "I’ll see what I can do. I just need a decent enough excuse for Mum. She’s starting to wonder why we always have these late-night study sessions. She keeps ranting about our teachers."

Sirius smirked. "She probably thinks I’m a proper idiot needing all that help."

If only she knew what really went on during their “study sessions”.

Now, lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, Sirius realised Remus’ potential visit was the only flicker of hope in an otherwise thoroughly uneventful day.

Eventually, he found the motivation to get up, turn on his music, and knock out some homework. He figured Remus would be pleased if it was already done. Then he went downstairs and helped Effie with the chores. They worked side by side in the kitchen—she washed up, he dried—until Monty came home and joined them. He started rambling about work, which Sirius secretly loved, though Effie thought it was worse than her weekly gossip sessions with the neighbours.

At seven, James returned from training, just in time for dinner. Effie had made Sirius’ favourite: fish and chips.

After dinner, the four of them watched a film on telly. Monty was out like a light by the second ad break, snoring so loudly that Effie had to turn up the volume.

Once the film ended, Effie sent the boys to bed. They were brushing their teeth in the bathroom when James, foaming at the mouth with toothpaste, asked, "Wanna play Game Boy?"

"Hmm, not sure. Kinda knackered," Sirius mumbled, realising he actually was.

"Fair enough. It is your birthday, after all," James said, smiling. "Night then."

He flicked off the bathroom light just to annoy him. Sirius flicked it back on and had a quick shower.

Back in his room, Sirius checked the clock: just past ten. He tried to tell himself Remus would show up any minute. He waited till half eleven, then put on a CD to settle his nerves. By nearly eleven, there was still no sign of the boy.

The horrible possibility crept in: maybe Remus wasn’t coming. Something might have happened at the farm, or maybe his mum finally put her foot down about late-night visits. Usually, Remus went home around this time after a visit...

Disappointed, Sirius changed into his pyjamas. It felt like he’d spent the whole day waiting for something that would never come. He even felt a bit guilty for wanting Remus to come after such a long day. Perhaps Sirius really was too greedy for his own good. It wasn’t the first time he was haunted by the uncomfortable feeling that he needed Remus more than Remus needed him. That feeling gnawed at him like a woodpecker on a tree, slowly carving itself into an unstoppable fear — one that made him feel like a circus clown, ignored by the crowd despite all his efforts.

Unwanted. That’s how his family made him feel. He told himself Remus was different. Remus wanted him around. Even if Sirius got too intense or too much, they’d always be friends. Right?

A sudden dull tap on glass pulled him from his spiralling thoughts. He was there in three strides.

Remus was standing on the patio, waving.

Sirius exhaled. All the tension he hadn’t even noticed melted away. He gestured for Remus to come round the front. As he tiptoed downstairs, he tried to calm his racing heart. He thought he had it under control, until he opened the door and there he was.

"Hiya," he said softly.

"Hey," Remus murmured. "Sorry I’m late."

"S’alright. Come in." Sirius tugged him inside, pressing a finger to his lips. James might already be asleep, but better safe than sorry.

Once they were in Sirius’ room, they allowed themselves to speak.

"You weren’t working till now, were you?" Sirius asked, almost scolding.

Remus shook his head. "My parents were arguing in the living room forever. Couldn’t get a word in till Dad left."

"Your mum okay with you coming this late?"

"She thinks we’re cramming for a big test," Remus said, voice heavy with the day’s weight. "Told her that two hours ago."

Sirius frowned. "Where were you for two hours, then?"

"I was gonna nick some whiskey from Dad’s stash before coming over."

"Good idea."

"But he caught me. Went mental. Said I was the reason there was no booze left last time he checked. Total bollocks. I never touch his stuff."

"So, no whiskey?"

"Nope. No brandy. No wine. He nearly told Mum too, but I talked him down."

"Was he drunk?" Sirius asked.

Remus paused. For a moment, it looked like he was about to answer the question. But then he thought better of it and carried on talking, "He dragged me to the petrol station to buy more booze. The one in Dornfield was closed, so we had to go to the next town."

And that’s why you’re only getting here now, Sirius concluded silently. He felt sorry for Remus. You wouldn’t notice it right away—and he’d never admit it—but every minute he had to spend with his father was deeply unpleasant for him.

Sirius saw it as his priority to distract him.

"Doesn’t matter—we don’t need booze anyway," he said, walking over to his music collection and flicking through it. He figured Remus could use something softer, more mellow, and settled on a Bob Dylan album.

Remus let out a long breath as he dropped onto his back. "Maybe I should tell Xeno I can’t keep working five hours after school..."

Sirius thought he’d misheard. "You’re thinking about quitting?"

"Not quitting. Just cutting back."

"That’s a start," Sirius said with a grin. "Then you’ll have more time."

“For you,” Remus said, more to himself than to Sirius. He fixed his gaze on the ceiling, looking like he was lost in thoughts about everything and nothing. Sirius thought he looked much more vulnerable like this—because he wasn’t trying so hard to build his usual walls.

Sirius flopped down on his stomach beside the boy, so they were now at eye level. Remus kept staring at the ceiling as Sirius said, “No, for you.”

Remus’ brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“You’d have time to do stuff you actually enjoy. Like reading, for example. You could read loads more.” When Remus didn’t respond, Sirius kept going. “Or you could start a new hobby. I don’t know… playing guitar or something.”

“I don’t have a guitar.”

“Then chess, whatever. You’re good at chess. You always beat us anyway, so why not beat other people too?”

Remus gave a half-smile. "I’m not good. You lot are just rubbish."

"Oi, I beat you once."

“That’s because I wasn’t paying attention.”

Sirius pinched his side, drawing a short laugh from him. He almost had him now.

“You’re going to work your whole life. At least don’t waste your youth on it,” Sirius said, watching Remus’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

“I just don’t want to mess up my chance to get out of here.”

“You won’t. I promise.”

Finally, Remus looked at him. Those beautiful brown eyes—warm like sunlight, and yet always carrying something sad that only rarely disappeared.

“I don’t want to end up like him,” he admitted in a voice so soft it could break.

Sirius reached for his hand and laced their fingers together.

“You won’t,” he said firmly.

Remus gave a tentative squeeze. “Yeah, and you won’t turn into your dad either.”

“A person that awful can only exist once in the world,” Sirius muttered half-jokingly. “Otherwise it’d explode.”

“Yeah, probably.” Remus let go of his hand and rubbed his face. “Anyway, I’m knackered so…” He trailed off, dropping his hand back beside Sirius. “Would you be mad if… y’know. Nothing happened tonight?”

“Oh!” Instinctively, Sirius sat up and put a bit more space between them. He hadn’t meant to give off any signals. “No, of course not. That’s fine. I wasn’t expecting us to… yeah…”

And just like that, the atmosphere shifted into a familiar awkwardness.

Remus started rubbing his temple again, and Sirius silently questioned whether Bob Dylan’s raspy voice had really been the right choice. He got up, switched the big light for the softer glow of his bedside lamp, and turned the music down a notch.

“I’ll get you some water,” he offered, without Remus even asking. Before he could respond, Sirius had already slipped out the door.

When he returned with two bottles of water, Remus was lying back with his head on the pillow, a book in hand. Sirius recognised it as The Great Gatsby.

“Didn’t know you were reading that,” said Remus.

“I’m not. It was a gift,” Sirius grinned, handing him a bottle. “Better drink. Maybe you’ve got a headache ’cause you’re dehydrated.”

“How’d you know I—”

“I pay attention, Moony,” Sirius said simply, crawling back into bed and pulling the duvet over himself. “So, what’s the book about?”

“It’s about this rich bloke, Jay Gatsby. He throws these massive parties—basically to win back his girlfirend, Daisy. But it all kind of unravels, and you realise money and glamour don’t mean much. The American Dream’s a bit of a lie, really.”

“Sounds like the kind of book you’d be into.”

“It was alright.”

“Alright?! Isn’t The Great Gatsby one of those critically acclaimed, cult classic sort of books?”

Remus snorted. “Yeah. I still think there are better ones out there.”

“Fair enough,” Sirius sighed, sinking deeper into the duvet to get more comfortable.

A few quiet minutes passed like that: Remus reading, Sirius softly humming along to the music.

And as the minutes slipped away and Sirius grew sleepier, with Bob Dylan crooning through his final verses, the awareness crept in that it was late—far too late, really—and that Remus should’ve headed home by now.

The book had long since been set aside, and Remus had made himself comfortable without even seeming to realise it. Maybe his brain had just given up, and his tired muscles had taken over.

Sirius thought it would be rude to ask when he was planning to leave. He never had to ask that before—Remus usually just left of his own accord. And honestly, Sirius didn’t mind that he hadn’t moved. He actually liked the quiet closeness between them, the lack of pressure for something to happen. There wasn’t even a sense of obligation.

But eventually, unable to ignore the mounting thoughts swirling in his head, Sirius turned his face slightly to look at Remus. He was lying on his side, facing away.

Sirius whispered his name into the silence.

“Hm?”

“You asleep?”

Remus sighed. “No.” Then his body stirred as if he had been waiting for Sirius to drop his name, and he rolled onto his back. His expression made it clear he was debating something. “I better go,” he mumbled. Though he didn’t sound convinced—and he made no move to get up.

Sirius chuckled softly. “Too knackered, old man?”

“I’m getting there.” But Remus stayed put. His eyes fluttered shut. “What time is it?”

Sirius glanced over at his alarm clock. “Nearly midnight.”

Remus groaned. “Fuck, my Mum’s gonna have a fit.”

Apparently, that was enough to push him into finally attempting to get up. But then, driven by the sudden realisation that he didn’t want Remus to go, Sirius blurted out:

“You could call her and say you’re staying over at the Potters’?” Remus froze mid-motion. “Spur-of-the-moment sleepover—’cause it’s my birthday,” Sirius added, rambling now. “You, me, James, and Pete. Tell her we just decided last minute.”

“Not sure she’ll go for that,” Remus muttered, rubbing at his eyes.

Sirius shrugged. “Worth a shot.”

Apparently, Remus couldn’t come up with a counterargument. “Alright,” he said, climbing over Sirius so he was now perched on the edge of the bed. He reached for the phone on Sirius’s nightstand and waited a few seconds until someone picked up on the other end.

“Mum? Yeah, hi, it’s me. Listen, sorry for calling so late, but the lads are all crashing at James’s tonight—Sirius’s birthday and all. Yeah, at their house. No, I know it’s too cold in the barn.”

Sirius had to fight back a grin.

“Okay. Yeah, I will. See you tomorrow.”

Remus hung up.

“Well?” Sirius prompted.

“She’s fine with it,” Remus said. “As long as I pass that bloody test.”

He was still sitting on the edge of the bed, close enough that Sirius only had to reach out a hand to touch his back. His hair was messy, his T-shirt creased. He stood up, tugged off the shirt and jeans, then climbed back onto the bed.

Just as he was about to crawl over Sirius, he leaned in close—close enough that Sirius caught the faint scent of his shower gel. They were both thinking about closing that gap between them, Sirius knew it. All it would take was a slight lift of his head to press their mouths together.

But instead of leaning up, he reached for Remus’s hair and gently pulled him down, pressing his lips to his.

Then, without breaking the kiss, he shifted his weight and gently pressed Remus down onto the mattress beside him, sliding on top in one smooth motion — their positions swapped in the blink of an eye. His knee slipped between Remus’s legs as the kiss deepened.

But then Remus broke it.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, a little dazed. “I thought we’d agreed…”

“Oh, of course,” Sirius said quickly, pulling back. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s alright,” Remus assured him. “It’s just… I’m tired.”

“Yeah, me too,” said Sirius. He was lying a little too close to the other boy in a slightly awkward position. He shifted around to get more comfortable, though he didn’t move back to his side of the bed.

A silence settled over them, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one. Sirius wondered how much closeness was okay — whether Remus minded that their arms were touching. He took it as a good sign that he didn’t pull away.

“Reckon I could sleep twelve hours straight,” Sirius mumbled into Remus’s shoulder after a while. He could feel Remus let out a small huff of laughter.

“I should set an alarm. Better head home before breakfast.”

“Mmm,” Sirius hummed sleepily. His eyes were already falling shut, ears catching the slow, steady rhythm of Remus’s breathing. Just as he was slipping into that hazy space between waking and dreaming, Remus whispered very softly:

“Sorry I was too tired to go home.”

Sirius scooted closer to his warm body. “S’alright,” he murmured. “I’m glad you stayed.”

And then sleep took him.

Chapter Text

6th November 1991

The music in the club blasted at ear-splitting volume from speakers crammed into every corner.

Sirius had had three — maybe four — drinks and was in the kind of mood where even the DJ’s dreadful track choices didn’t bother him. He was dancing with a girl who’d introduced herself as Lulu somewhere between the loos and the bar, though Sirius doubted that was her real name.

Lulu was tall and slim, with a pretty face and light eyes that caught the flashes of the mirrorball above them. She rested a dainty hand on his arm and laughed at something Sirius said about the death of proper singer-songwriters in an increasingly shallow world — a remark he’d actually meant quite seriously.

“You say the funniest things!” Lulu shouted over the music.

“Do I?” Sirius yelled back, looking briefly puzzled before deciding to take it as a compliment. Of course he said funny things. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to my mates!”

Clutching his drink in both hands, terrified someone would knock it over, he shoved his way through the crowd, not checking whether Lulu was following. Yet when he finally spotted James, Peter and Remus tucked away in a booth, there she was again, appearing at his side as though she’d never left it.

“Fellas,” he announced grandly, “this is Lulu.” He flopped onto the seat beside Remus, the narrow bench already crammed, and slid so close their thighs brushed beneath the table. A jolt like static shot through Sirius, waking him up at once. He caught Remus’s scent of shampoo and woods and wanted nothing more than to move even closer.

“Lovely to meet you,” James said warmly, shaking Lulu’s hand. “I’m James. That’s Peter. And that’s Mo—Remus. Sit down, yeah?”

Lulu seemed delighted at such polite treatment from a whole pack of boys. Her cheeks glowed as she took the chair opposite Sirius.

“So, Lulu,” James asked with interest, “is that really your real name?”

“Well…” Lulu looked sheepish. “It’s actually Ludmilla. But try pulling a bloke when he can’t even get your name right after the third go.”

Peter gave an awkward little giggle, as though he wasn’t used to a girl speaking so openly about pulling boys. But he was used to Mary, which made his reaction a bit odd.

Remus let out a quiet snort — not of jealousy but amusement.

Lulu winked at Sirius. At least, he thought she did. The wink could have been directed at Remus. The dim light made it difficult to distinguish, as did the alcohol.

“Well,” said James, “we’ve got Sirius. And Remus. Both names no one ever gets right first time.”

“And always spelled wrong,” Sirius added in a tone that suggested the matter drove him up the wall. “S-i-r-i-u-s. Dead simple.”

“How did your parents come up with that name?” Lulu asked curiously.

Sirius took a swig of his drink, then pulled a face. “They were completely pissed when I was born.”

It took Lulu a second before her expression showed. She was obviously considering whether to react with shock, outrage, or amusement, which ultimately resulted in her appearing extremely uncertain.

James tutted disapprovingly. Peter hiccupped into his glass. Only Remus seemed unfazed by the tasteless joke. He folded his arms on the table and leaned forward, prompting Lulu to do the same, like she was about to overhear some secret.

“What Sirius means,” Remus said smoothly, “is that his parents had awful taste in names.”

“He’s right,” Sirius chipped in. “They called my little brother Regulus. Poor sod. A cousin of mine’s called Bellatrix. At least she gets to shorten hers to Bella. But what about me? What’s a decent nickname for Sirius, eh?” He struck a mock-thoughtful pose. “Siri? Rius? Sir Lancelot?”

“What about Sirry-pops?” James suggested.

“Drama Queen,” Remus said flatly, leaning back again so his shoulder brushed Sirius’s. Sirius pressed his leg against Remus’s under the table. Remus pushed back. Sirius liked this secret little game only the two of them noticed.

“Actually,” Peter piped up, loud enough that the next table probably heard, “Sirius already has the perfect nickname. Padfoot.”

Lulu’s eyebrows disappeared behind her fringe. “Padfoot? What on earth is that supposed to mean?”

Sirius waved it off. “Long story. What Wormy means is that nicknames don’t always match the real name. Sometimes they just happen. Or come from something embarrassing. Or, say, from a months-long obsession with rats.”

Peter looked miffed. Lulu, however, let out another girlish giggle, covering her mouth with her hand.

“Rats? Gross,” she said, still thoroughly delighted to have found herself in such a funny group of people, who teased each other mercilessly yet let her in on all their inside jokes.

“Well, try telling that to a six-year-old Peter,” Sirius said wearily.

“So, who’re you here with?” James asked quickly, steering the chat somewhere else.

“Oh, some of my girlfriends. They’re over there.” She jerked her head vaguely behind her, making it impossible for the boys to spot them in the crowd. “But they’re not half as keen on dancing as I am.” She winked again — and this time it was unmistakably aimed at Sirius.

“How nice,” James said politely, though he hadn’t seen a single one of the girls. “Our girlfriends are about somewhere, too. Anyone spotted them? They only went to grab more drinks.”

Peter shook his head. Remus shrugged. Sirius let his gaze sweep the club. No sign of the girls at the bar or queuing for the loos. Then his eyes caught on a red head, a blonde one, and two dark ones tucked into a booth a few rows away.

Weirdly enough, they weren’t chattering away like they normally did. Instead, every single one of them was staring right at the boys’ table, like they were trying to eavesdrop.

That theory was confirmed when, catching Sirius’s eye, they all ducked their heads at once and looked in the other direction.

Sirius raised a brow. “They’re over there.” He pointed towards the four girls, who at least had the decency now to pretend to be in conversation.

“Oh, right. What on earth are they doing sat there? We’ve got plenty space here,” James said.

Sirius waved them over. The girls came giggling towards their table, not bothering in the slightest to hide their silly, jittery energy. Lily and Marlene had their arms linked and were swaying side to side like they were three pints past tipsy. Dorcas looked like she was still processing something unbelievable. And Mary… well, Mary looked smug as ever, grinning like a cat and strutting along.

“What’s up with you lot?” Sirius asked, sceptical.

“Oh, fancy seeing you here,” Mary said, feigning surprise.

“What’ve you been up to?” James asked. Lily plonked herself onto his lap and planted a quick kiss on his cheek.

“Having fun,” she said airily.

“And where exactly?”

“Not where you were,” Mary shot back, sliding onto the seat next to Lulu. Marlene and Dorcas sat down either side. “Anyway, Cassie and Lils owe me a tenner.”

“For what?” Peter asked.

“A bet,” Mary said cheerfully, nicking Sirius’s glass and taking a sip.

“Since when do you lot make bets with actual money?” Sirius asked, baffled.

“Since, Sirius,” Mary sighed in mock gravity, “we started wagering on things so earth-shattering they could turn the whole world upside down.”

The girls (minus Lulu) burst out giggling. First separately, then catching each other’s eyes, until they all collapsed into uncontrollable laughter.

James and Sirius exchanged a look. Theirs simply said: What the hell? Do you know what this is about? No? Same.

“How much have you had to drink tonight?” Peter asked with a frown. Sirius thought that was a bit rich coming from him, considering Peter was usually first in line to go overboard.

The girls didn’t pay him any attention.

Lulu tried to catch Sirius’s eye, probably to ask if this kind of behaviour was normal, but Sirius turned to Remus instead, whose bare bicep brushed warmly against his own. Honestly: they didn’t have to sit that close. Sirius could’ve easily slid a few inches away. The simple explanation for why he didn't was that he didn't want to.

Remus’s face was only faintly lit by the dim lamp hanging over their table. The light touched just the left side of him; the right stayed in shadow. But when he turned towards Sirius, both eyes glowed equally bright—confused, chestnut brown, and fixed on him.

Remus seemed to interpret the giggles as the aftereffect of too much alcohol, as he shook his head slightly at the noise and energy their female friends had brought with them. Sirius's mouth curled downward in amusement, which Remus acknowledged with a flash of sparkle in his eyes.

Sirius had almost forgotten about Lulu and startled when she cleared her throat. The giggling died down. All eyes turned to the stranger among them. No matter how nice, interesting, and open-minded Lulu was, she would never become part of this strange eight-headed creature.

“I think one of my mates just waved me over. Um… you don’t mind if I—?” She clearly wasn’t comfortable with having everyone’s attention on her. Odd, thought Sirius. She hadn’t struck him as someone who’d be fazed by that. Maybe that confident act earlier had just been for show.

Lily spoke first. “Oh God, sorry. We must look like total idiots. Rude idiots. I promise we’re not always this bad.” She looked genuinely horrified at the idea. Classic Lily. Just like James, she wanted everyone to like her. “When you come back, let us buy you a drink, yeah?”

Lulu seemed to take the offer as what it was: a proper apology. She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I’d love that.” She stood, tugging her short dress down. “I’ll be over there.”

The last line was aimed at the girls, but before she finally turned away, her eyes darted hopefully towards Sirius.

A pang of guilt shot through Sirius’s stomach. He hadn’t meant to lead Lulu on, hadn’t meant to charm her into thinking something might happen. He mentally replayed every glance, every gesture of the night, wondering which of them could’ve made her believe he’d end up kissing her later.

“Cute girl,” Mary judged once Lulu was out of earshot. “How’d you pick her up?”

“God, don’t say pick her up.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“That’s what you blokes say, innit?”

“Only the twats who try chatting you up.”

Mary, being Mary, didn’t take offence. She just snorted. “So what then—you sulking ‘cause you scared her off?”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “I scared her off?! You lot were the ones who did.”

Mary shrugged, unimpressed. “Didn’t exactly look like you were keen anyway.”

She dragged the words out in this weirdly deliberate, staged kind of way, like an amateur actor on stage. Sirius didn’t get the reason, but the other girls clearly did.

“What’re you on about?” James cut in. “I thought they were getting on great.”

“Getting on great,” Marlene echoed, biting her lip to stop herself grinning.

James, oblivious to the mockery, took it as confirmation. “Exactly. You don’t wanna hang back, Pads, or some other bloke’s gonna swoop in.”

“Oh, give it a rest,” Sirius muttered.

“She did like you, Sirius,” Peter put in, all knowing. Ever since his breakup he fancied himself some kind of relationship guru. Sirius found it unbearable. There was no way Peter had picked up enough wisdom in a few weeks with Joanna to start handing out advice like this.

“Anyone want another drink?” Sirius asked the table.

James smirked knowingly. “See? There he goes again, all shy boy. Big man when it doesn’t matter, but when it does—he bottles it. What’re you waiting for, Pads? Tomorrow morning? We’ll all be back in bed by then.”

“Not Pete, not if he keeps necking it like that.”

Peter flipped Sirius the bird.

“And again you’re dodging the subject.” James sighed.

“Go on, snog her!” Marlene cheered, way too enthusiastic. Sirius thought for a moment about how odd that phrasing sounded coming from her. Then she added, with no room for misunderstanding: “Unless, of course, there’s someone else who’s already claimed your heart?”

Sirius’s heart stopped dead. He knew Marlene was in on it—on them. Remus had only told him a few days ago that, right after their first kiss by the lake, he’d confessed everything to her.

“I had to tell someone,” Remus had admitted quietly. “Anyone.”

Sirius had brushed his fringe from his forehead in a gesture of unspoken understanding and had placed a soft a kiss there.

Marlene would’ve worked it out sooner or later. After her birthday she’d fully pieced it together anyway—grilling Remus for every last detail.

Now Mary leaned forward too, raising one eyebrow in theatrical curiosity. Like Marlene, she’d figured it out ages ago. In fact, she’d probably known before Sirius had even admitted it to himself.

“You’re in love, Sirius?” she asked in that sultry tone of hers. Outsiders might’ve mistaken it as flirtatious, but their friends knew it was just her voice when she wanted something. And what she wanted now was information. In the shape of a confession.

But that confession stuck in Sirius’s throat. He couldn’t let it out. Not here. Not now.

He didn’t dare look at his best friend. He knew if he dodged Mary’s innocent gaze now, she’d take it as confirmation. So, trying hard to sound casual, he shot back with a question of his own:

“Aren’t we all in love all of the time?”

Mary’s lips twitched with delight. She liked that he was playing along.

“I definitely am. You? Maybe. But you seem a bit too… reserved for my taste. Just like James said. What’s up with that?”

“Lack of interest?” Sirius suggested.

“In who? Lulu? That was her name, right?”

“Mmhm.”

“She’s pretty. And sweet. I’d bet she actually likes you.”

“No one doesn’t like me.”

Instead of responding, she suddenly directed her dangerous interrogation at Remus.

 “Remus.” The boy flinched the moment his name was said. “What about you? Did you ever call that girl from the last time we were here?”

Remus stayed quiet for a moment. Then he cleared his throat. “What makes you think I did?”

“Curiosity, Remus. Pure curiosity.” When Mary said someone’s name, it sometimes sounded like she really wanted to say darling, or sweetheart, or honey.

“Didn’t call her,” Remus admitted. “And before you ask: not interested.” When Remus didn’t say someone’s name, it sometimes sounded like he really wanted to add a darling, or sweetheart, or honey.

Mary smiled sugar-sweet. “Shame. Honestly, boys, it’s a waste. Cute, good-looking lads like you should’ve been snapped up ages ago. Don’t you think, James? Pete?”

James and Peter both straightened, startled at being dragged back into the conversation.

“Uh, yeah. Totally,” Peter squeaked.

“Exactly what I was saying,” James agreed, more confident now. “But what can you do? They’ll find the right girl eventually.” As he said it, he wrapped his arms tighter around Lily’s waist, where she still sat on his lap.

“I don’t know…” Mary leaned in conspiratorially. “I reckon Sirius and Remus already know exactly who that Person is.”

“Do they now?” James said. Lily giggled—whether at Mary’s theatrics or James’s wandering hands was impossible to tell.

Mary didn’t answer out loud, but the way she waggled her eyebrows said more than enough. Sirius knew how this game went: either come up with clever comebacks and keep afloat or slip up with something stupid and end up the loser. Mary was unbeatable when it came to verbal sparring.

And then he felt it. Remus’s fingers brushing against his thigh, holding him back. So Sirius simply took his drink back from Mary and swallowed instead.

***

“She could at least be a bit more subtle about trying to expose us,” Sirius complained half an hour later in the boys’ loo.

“I don’t think she wants to expose us,” Remus soothed, his voice way quieter. Even though they were the only ones there, he clearly didn’t want to push it.

“Then what was all that questioning for?” Sirius went on, getting more frustrated. “And the eyebrow thing? God, Mary’s got such expressive eyebrows.”

“Now you just sound jealous of her eyebrows.”

Sirius groaned. “Don’t start speaking like her too. It’s enough that she’s always poking her nose in everyone else’s business. Instead of just asking us, she wants us to cave under her questions. Pah! She wishes. At least Marlene leaves us alone.”

Remus pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek to stop himself from grinning. Even when Sirius was all riled up, he couldn’t deny he found that pretty attractive. He tried to calm himself by pausing and staring at the boy for longer than a second.

“Why do you find it funny?” Sirius asked with a deep sigh, just managing not to plant his hands on his hips in disappointment.

“It’s just…” Remus began, still trying to keep a neutral expression. “Why are you so worked up? We both know she knows. Marlene knows. And I reckon Lily and Dorcas know now too.”

“What?!” Sirius exclaimed, horrified. “That can’t—”

“Not so loud, Sirius.”

“How do they know?” Sirius whispered, flustered. He spread his arms. “How the bloody hell do they know?”

Remus tilted his head. He looked as if he were approaching the matter like a math problem, which was perfectly logical to him and too complicated for Sirius. “Maybe Mary or Marlene told them.”

“They wouldn’t, would they?”

Remus shrugged. Sirius got annoyed. Tonight, the booze was affecting Remus in a completely different way than him. Remus seemed calm, steady, almost as if he’d been expecting Mary to confront them.

“Does it bother you that they know?” Remus asked.

"I don't know… maybe not," Sirius said slowly, surprising himself. He'd expected his world to end if other people found out. Somewhere deep down, he realized that the alcohol was making him think the whole thing was more harmless than it was. "You?"

Remus shrugged again. “As long as they don't bother us about it.”

“Well, you just saw the scene they made. I’m pretty sure they’ve been watching us.”

“When?”

“The whole time. Since I went over to our booth with Lulu.” Sirius shivered, remembering how he’d acted at the table. Sure, he’d moved close to Remus, but getting cozy was nothing unusual for lads after a drink, even the girls knew that.

But perhaps they hadn't just noticed the barely existing space between them. Maybe they had seen where their legs touched under the table, or how their shoulders kept brushing, or the way Sirius couldn't help but stare at Remus as if in a trance whenever he opened his mouth to speak.

Then it hit him.

“I think…” he began hesitantly, still full of images from the last hour. “I think Marls and Mary didn’t tell Lily and Dorcas anything.”

Remus’s eyebrows knitted together. “What d’you mean?”

“They saw it. Us.”

Remus opened his mouth, then shut it again. He didn’t need to say, “But we didn’t do anything.” He got it immediately. The images ran through his head too.

“And now Lils and Dorcas owe Mary ten quid,” he said flatly.

“Because Mary bet we’re seeing each other and Lily and Dorcas didn’t believe it.”

“Or,” Remus added, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, “because Mary just hinted one of us was seeing someone and the other girls didn’t believe it so she told them to watch us.”

“Whatever it was, it’s…” Sirius was about to get worked up again. He could call it annoying, disrespectful, overstepping, tasteless… But in the end it boiled down to this:

“It’s typical Mary,” they said in unison, as if by saying it out loud, they’d silently agreed it wasn’t worth getting mad about it.

***

Despite the whole Mary incident, as Sirius and Remus would later refer to, the night carried on in a heady blur of fun.

Sirius and Remus stumbled across their friends, still sat at the table, laughing and shouting over each other.

“Oi, grab us another pint, big man!” James called, grinning, obviously meaning Sirius, who barely got a chance to sit down. Sirius took the orders and headed for the counter.

When he came back, arms piled with a bunch of colourful drinks, he paused a few metres from the booth, so his friends didn’t notice him. James was in the middle of one of his infamous Donald Duck impressions, while everyone else clutched their stomachs and faces from laughing so hard. Lily was having it especially rough—she got jostled around whenever James gesticulated wildly.

For a moment, Sirius let himself watch them from a safe distance, full of admiration and affection, tinged with a strange mix of longing and sadness, something he couldn’t quite name: even though it was happening right then, he felt a pang as if he’d already miss this moment. These were his friends, helping him through one chaos after another. Keeping him grounded when he was about to get reckless.

Then a sudden, alarming thought knocked on his mind. Even after years of close friendship, he was scared of doing something stupid, something typically Sirius, that might ruin their bond. He was nothing without them.

The longer he stood there, the worse the fear got. It felt inexplicably real, like he could reach out and grab it. His heart thudded faster as he spotted Remus’s curly head, his carefree smile almost shy next to Mary’s radiant one.

Sirius blinked, and just like that, the fear vanished. All that was left was a slight daze that threw him off balance. Then the bass thumped back, loud and strong, and the chatter around him pulled him back into the middle of it. He was part of the lively chaos again, the rapid-fire buzz where he always felt he belonged.

Of course, the fear was pointless. That was just the alcohol, he told himself.

“Ahaaa, there he is!” James cheered when Sirius approached their booth again, grabbing the booze greedily.

“Have we even toasted the birthday boy yet?” Lily asked, holding the pint her boyfriend pressed into her hand.

“We haven’t even sung!” Mary added, as if this was a scandal.

“Oh God,” murmured Sirius, knowing exactly what was coming next. He plopped down next to Remus, making sure to leave a bit more space this time.

James started singing in his loud, carefree voice: “Happy Birthday to youuuuuuu!”

And the rest chimed in, all off-key and crooked: “Happy Biiiirthdaaaayyyy toooo youuuuuuu!”

Completely wrong and completely off-key, despite the simplicity of this song, his friends sang it to him for his birthday. And Sirius enjoyed every second.

He looked at his friends one by one: Mary, with her bright red lipstick, always on when she wanted to stand out. Marlene, singing along quietly like Remus, but grinning ear to ear. Dorcas, giving him a friendly little wink in her usual calm way. Peter, cheeks flushed from the booze. James, hair sticking up all over the place, singing the loudest. Lily, fiery red hair and adorable dimples. And finally Remus, whom Sirius didn’t even need to look at to know exactly what was written across his face: pure bliss.

Sirius slipped his hand under the table. Remus’ fingers curled around his, smooth as silk winding along skin. Easy, natural, like his hand had always belonged there.

The girls kept their promise, breaking away just after the birthday song to buy Lulu a drink. They were gone for over an hour, and the next time Sirius saw them, they were happily dancing with her.

He, on the other hand, didn’t run into Lulu again—not in the way James and Peter had been nudging him all night.

(“Go on, speak to her.”

“Nah, it’s way more fun with you lot.”)

Only as they were leaving did he spot her in a corner with her friends. He drew in a breath, as if to gulp down courage, and walked over.

Even though he’d mostly ignored her all night, she didn’t seem upset. She beamed at him.
“Sirius, there you are! Let me introduce you to my mates.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the circle. “This is Lucy, that’s Victoria, and Pip.”

Sirius gave them each a careful, small smile.

“Fancy a drink?” Lulu asked. “It’s pretty late and dead quiet now, but the cool crowd’s heading to Benny’s round the corner. Know the pub?”

“Er, no, I don’t think I’m cool enough for that, sorry.”

Lulu laughed, like he’d just cracked the funniest joke.

Sirius absentmindedly thought how easy it was to make a girl laugh when she liked him. Shame that talent seemed wasted on him.

“Listen, Lulu, me and my mates gotta head off. Got a long way to go.”

Her excitement fell away like a mask. “Oh, bummer. Where d’you live then?”

“Godric’s Hollow.”

She made a face. “Never heard of it. Is it real?”

Sirius was about to say, What makes you think I made it up? Then a thought flicked through his brain.

He leaned in, low enough that Lulu had to tilt her head to hear. “You know… sometimes this little spot on Earth feels too perfect to be real.”

Lulu giggled. She probably didn’t fully get what he meant. Maybe she just liked the way he said it, or that he’d whispered it so close to her ear.

She scribbled her number on a piece of gum wrapper. “Call me.”

Sirius pocketed the piece of paper. He eased his guilty conscience with the thought that he hadn't promised to call her. At least that way, the phone number in his jacket pocket didn't feel as heavy as lead, making it easier for him to say goodbye.

Back with the others, James and Peter gave him a thumbs-up. Mary stifled a knowing smile—Sirius thought it wasn’t annoying, disrespectful, overstepping or tasteless at all.

But his eyes searched for Remus.

Look at me. I don’t want anything from her. I don’t want anything from anyone, as long as I’ve got you. Just give me the certainty that I’ve got you, and you’ve got me.

Remus looked back. That wonderful brown. Some might call it dull, ordinary, but to Sirius, it was the most thrilling colour he’d ever seen.

The boy was a master at saying everything he wanted with just his eyes.

Now they were saying: Come here.

Sirius stepped closer. He didn’t take his hand, though he wanted nothing more. His hand belonged in Remus’. Didn’t they get it? If only they knew how wrong his hands would be anywhere else.

Instead, he got close enough that their biceps brushed. And for now, that was enough.

***

The fact that half their friends now knew that they… well, what exactly were they? A couple?

Sirius shoved the thought aside, with a strange flutter in his stomach. He and Remus weren’t a couple. That would mean they could parade themselves in front of everyone—and they simply couldn’t, for various reasons. What they had wasn’t a relationship. It lacked the carefree hand-holding James and Lily enjoyed, the daily phone calls swapping the day’s stories and asking when they’d see each other next.

There were no fleeting kisses between lessons, no happy smiles lighting up when they reunited.

Sirius and Remus had to make do with all sorts of inconspicuous secretions: a finger brushing a thigh under the table, a slight nod when they passed each other in the corridor, a suppressed grin when someone told a dirty joke and they both had a certain someone in mind.

All of that would be enough for Sirius, if it weren't for the seductive ideas of possibilities of how things could have been, relentlessly invading his mind. He let himself be drawn into a different world every time, where they didn't have to worry about getting caught.

Over time, they’d developed a kind of dynamic game, with rules designed to avoid danger as much as possible. Sirius had never been one to let rules ruin his fun—he followed them only for Remus’s sake.

So, no, they weren’t a couple.

The fact that half their friends now knew Sirius and Remus definitely weren’t planning on dating a girl became obvious immediately after Sirius’s birthday, in the form of curious glances and raised eyebrows. Sirius reckoned he’d never in his life received so much attention from the girls as he did now.

They tried to be discreet of course. They wouldn’t dream of confronting him and Remus about it. That would go against their principles.

But that didn’t mean they left them alone.

Sirius caught Lily, for example, looking back and forth between him and Remus, as if she could read what was going on between them just by looking at their faces.

Marlene was a master of “accidentally” freeing the seat next to Remus on the bus, having last-minute decided she wanted to sit a few rows away next to Mary. As soon as Sirius dropped onto the seat, he’d see the two girls jerk their heads around as if they hadn’t been spying on the boys at all.

Dorcas was the subtlest of the four. Sirius couldn’t detect any unusual behaviour from her. Maybe she didn’t care, or perhaps she didn’t believe the rumours. Or perhaps she decided to find the answers in her cards.

Mary, on the other hand, was by far the worst. Beyond her obvious staring, she seemed to make it her personal mission to plant little traps in conversations for Sirius or Remus, probably hoping they’d stumble and accidentally give themselves away.

It would have been a cruel game if Mary hadn’t been the one playing it. Sirius knew she didn’t do it out of malice, but because it was in her nature to meddle in other people’s lives. Annoying as it was, he was used to it.

At least James and Peter remained completely oblivious, unaware that two of their friend group had gotten closer in a different way. Sirius was grateful for that.

The girls were one thing. They treated the whole situation as a highly exciting turn of events, as the latest gossip, and they each tried to gather the latest information so that they could later analyse it in detail with the others.

The boys were different. It wasn’t that Sirius thought James or Peter would hate him if they knew. It was more that he was haunted by an uneasy premonition, fuelled above all by the conviction that their friendship would, at best, be completely different—and, at worst, utterly destroyed.

It was better that James and Peter didn’t know. It was fine the way it was.

At least until the point where things weren't fine anymore.

***

14th November 1991

Remus had noticed those subtle attempts at observation too. Sirius felt the boy growing increasingly tense.

When Sirius, hidden behind the bus seats on the way to school, placed his upturned palm between them so Remus could rest his own on top, Remus acted as though he hadn’t seen it.When they were at school, Remus deliberately stood next to James and Peter. When they passed each other in the crowded corridor, he avoided Sirius’s eyes and instead struck up a conversation with Marlene.

Sirius might have thought Remus had lost interest in him, if it weren’t for their secret meetings in his room that proved otherwise.

Remus had no qualms about pinning Sirius against the wall, tasting his mouth with his own, or slipping a demanding hand between Sirius legs. He wasn’t tired of the teasing remarks and hurried words when they collapsed onto the bed and continued kissing there.

Sirius hadn’t become too much for him. But something had changed.

One day Sirius couldn’t stand leaving Remus’s change in behaviour unspoken any longer.

“What’s wrong?” he asked into the silence. They were on his bed. Remus lay on his stomach, while Sirius sat cross-legged beside him. Sirius traced aimless lines and circles across Remus’s bare back: they ran from his left shoulder down to the waistband of his boxers, from his ribs across to his neck.

Remus had his face turned away, resting on his folded arms, so Sirius couldn’t see his reaction. When Remus didn’t answer, Sirius pressed on: “You’ve seemed a bit...” Different. Tense. Anxious. “Thoughtful?”

Remus’s breathing came slow and steady. He lay there, relaxed and loose-limbed, and Sirius was pleased, liking to believe he was the reason for it. Sirius was beginning to think he had fallen asleep. Remus’s eventual answer came muffled, his mouth half-hidden by his arm. “Been thinking a lot, lately.”

Sirius couldn’t quite explain why those words sent a sudden jolt of panic through him – like lightning striking. The feeling faded before he had a chance to grasp or name it. What remained was a gentle curiosity; the things Remus thought about were usually the kind of considerations people abandoned when they didn’t immediately get to the root of them. But Remus was the kind to hold onto every thought and unpick it, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. He’d always fall into a quiet brooding, shutting out the world until he emerged again, ready to voice his reasoning with the most beautiful turns of phrase.

Sirius loved this quiet, thoughtful version of Remus.

“What have you been thinking about?” Sirius asked now. He placed his palm in the middle of Remus’s back and studied it.

“The girls,” said Remus. “Or at least the way they’ve been behaving lately.”

Sirius’s hand drifted upwards along his spine, his fingertips brushing Remus’s hairline at his neck. He began to scratch the spot in slow, gentle motions, knowing Remus liked it.

“Maybe,” Remus went on, “it’d be smart if we told them. So they’d finally stop watching us like hawks, you know.”

Sirius’s hand stilled. He hadn’t expected that suggestion. He chose his words carefully before speaking:

“I thought we both agreed they’d already figured it out.”

Remus turned his head towards him. He lifted it just enough to meet Sirius’s eyes. “Yes, but have they really? Can they be certain of what they’ve seen, or are they just looking for more pieces to confirm their suspicion?”

“Doesn’t matter, let them watch us. I don’t care,” Sirius said – and thought, in the very same breath, that he very much did care.

A crease formed between Remus’s brows, and the corner of his mouth twitched as though he wanted to say more, but he left it at that.

They held each other’s gaze a moment longer before Sirius leaned down to him and ended their conversation with a kiss.

***

16th November 1991

Two days later, everyone except Marlene and Dorcas – who were stuck in Mr Binns’s History lesson – were sitting in the library under the pretence of studying for the upcoming exams, though Remus and Lily were the only ones taking notes.

Sirius, Remus, James and Peter, along with Mary and Lily, sat at a large round table in their usual nook between the shelves. James was scribbling idly in his notebook. Then he nudged Peter with his elbow, a lazy grin on his face, to show him a ridiculous doodle. Peter snorted behind his hand in appreciation, clearly relieved that he wasn’t the only one not bothering to make sense of the material.

Lily, meanwhile, was writing at a record-breaking pace, her essay on the human immune system for Biology filling the page, seemingly oblivious to everyone else.

She didn’t even bat an eye at Sirius, who leaned back with his legs sprawled across the opposite chair. He was staring at his book without reading a single word, certain he’d read the sentence about individual responsibility towards the environment at least ten times already. He couldn’t quite focus. His eyes kept sneaking glances at Remus, who, with a focused expression, tapped at the buttons of his calculator and almost simultaneously scribbled rows of numbers into his notebook.

Sirius liked watching Remus when he got absorbed in his work: the way his tongue peeked ever so slightly between his lips, the frown creasing his forehead when he questioned something, and the occasional raking of his fingers through his hair when he got stuck.

A throat being cleared made Sirius look up. Mary was chewing on her pen; notebook balanced on her crossed legs. Their eyes met briefly before Sirius turned back to his homework.

After several minutes of more or less focused work, James let out a loud sigh that earned him at least three pairs of eyes on him.

“Who’s ever going to need this crap later anyway?” he said in frustration. With a groan, he let himself collapse forward, elbows thunking onto the tabletop, forehead pressed into his palm.

“Someone who doesn’t fancy living on their parents’ sofa forever,” muttered Lily without looking up. Sirius admired her ability to multitask.

Peter snickered. James shot her an exaggeratedly wounded look.

“We’ll have forgotten all of this by the time we graduate, anyway,” Sirius chimed in sagely. “Except for Remus, of course, who, for reasons beyond me, wants to keep suffering through maths after school. Voluntarily.”

“You know,” Remus said, reading the result off his calculator and jotting it down, “people have different tastes.”

“Fair enough. Still think you’ve got a streak of self-destruction,” Sirius replied lightly.

“Speaking of sofas,” Mary drawled, leaning back. “What’s the deal with the XXL sleepover between Christmas and New Year’s? Are we all still in?”

“Oh, absolutely!” James said with such conviction that it was clear he wouldn’t be taking no for an answer. “I’ve already cleared it with Mum and Dad. They’re heading to our beach house in Cornwall after Christmas, which means we’ve got the place to ourselves.”

His eyes gleamed with excitement, and Sirius matched his grin with one of his own, warmed by anticipation.

“Can’t believe they’re letting you do this,” Sirius said.

“Letting us do it,” James corrected. “They’ve become a lot more trusting since you moved in. Plus, they reckon nothing can go wrong in one night.”

“Oh, if only they knew what you lot are capable of…” Lily remarked dryly. The boys collectively ignored her.

“So, enough beds for everyone?” Mary asked. “If we’re all crashing in the living room, that’s two sofas, two double mattresses from you two, and a sleeping bag, right?”

James nodded. “Correct, two of us can take the sofas—”

“Dorcas and I are taking them!” Mary interrupted quickly. Then, with an apologetic look at Lily, she added, “Sorry, Lils. We just figured you’d wanna share with James?”

Lily finally looked up, her face flushed crimson. She and James exchanged a look. Sirius found himself wondering, not for the first time, how far the two had gone so far. James was uncharacteristically quiet in this regard. Perhaps it was the gentleman in him acting up, but perhaps he was uncomfortable talking about it, precisely because nothing had happened with her yet.

Sirius, who was no longer exactly inexperienced himself, had always imagined he’d be able to offer his mate the odd bit of advice. But then, he suspected, his tips wouldn’t be of much use anyway. Lily was a girl and Remus was a boy. Things worked differently there.

James broke the awkward silence. “We’ll sort it on the day. I can share with Sirius, or Remus, or Peter.”

“I thought we’d all agreed Peter would be shipped off to another room so the rest of us can sleep in peace?” Sirius asked, earning an appreciative laugh and a glare from Peter.

“Ha-ha,” Peter said flatly. “I really do want the sleeping bag, though. It’s mine anyway. But I’m not sleeping in another room.”

“No worries, you won’t,” James reassured him. “Marlene’s still at her aunt’s in Bristol then, right? Well, that means I’ll probably end up on one of the sofas so Lily can share with another girl.”

Sirius silently respected his friend for passing up such an opportunity just to spare Lily the embarrassment.

“If I’ve got this right, Sirius and Remus share the other mattress, yeah?” Mary said innocently to the group. Sirius knew exactly what she was getting at. James didn’t. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t mean anything by it when he said:

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

The corners of Mary’s mouth twitched, like they were just dying to curl into a smug, mischievous grin. James was already back in his notebook. Peter didn’t clock the innuendo either. Only Lily’s eyes flicked to Mary’s, and the two of them shared a silent little moment – like they were carrying on some previous conversation without words.

Sirius fought not to look at Remus, even though he could feel the boy sneaking nervous glances his way. Instead, he caught Mary’s eyes. She winked at him, as if to say: I know everything – and I’m enjoying this game.

“Mary,” Sirius warned.

“What?” she asked, all fake innocence.

James misread it completely. “Oh, come on, Mary. You don’t have to twist everything. There’s no reason to.”

Mary arched an eyebrow. Sirius knew just how much that eyebrow was able to say. It said: Oh, there’s very much a reason.

Even James was starting to notice Mary’s far-from-innocent behaviour. He glanced from her to Sirius and then, hesitantly, to Remus, before finally looking to his girlfriend for help. Lily gave the slightest shake of her head.

“Something you wanna tell us?” James asked kindly.

By now Peter had picked up on the tension too. He looked like he was waiting for a bomb to go off.

“Hmm?” Mary hummed, struggling to keep her eyebrow in check.

“Is there–” James began, but Sirius cut him off sharply.

“No. There isn’t.” He kept his eyes locked on Mary’s with a silent plea: Don’t look at James. Please don’t. He was certain James would put it together if she did.

Mary obliged. She shrugged one shoulder and turned back to James with an easy smile. “Nah. Just messing about again,” she said lightly, and that was that.

James shook his head at his friends’ filthy mind. Peter seemed to take James’s headshake as a sign that the danger had passed. Lily bit her lip, only picking up her pen again after a few seconds. Mary opened her book and started reading.

Only then did Sirius dare to meet Remus’s eyes. They’d only just got away with it.

The group lapsed back into quiet, everyone focusing on their own work. But Sirius found it even harder to concentrate than before. His heart wouldn’t slow down; his pulse thudded against his ribs. And he wasn’t the only one at that table with that problem.

Remus pressed his pencil so hard to the page that the tip snapped. He tossed it aside with more force than necessary. James shot him a glance. Wordlessly, he handed over his own pencil.

But instead of carrying on, Remus just stared at it. Two, three, four, five seconds ticked by – then:

“I’m gonna go get… some water,” he said, snapping his notebook shut and standing. His voice had that forced, flat tone it always got when he was barely keeping his emotions in check.

Sirius watched him go. He felt panic building inside him, like a piece of wool being pulled through every fibre of his body. He chewed his nails in anticipation, and his leg wouldn't stop bouncing. He couldn’t take it anymore.

Without a word, he shot to his feet, bumping the table. Before anyone could ask what was wrong, he strode quickly out of the library.

***

Sirius eventually found Remus out in the corner of the schoolyard, tucked away where no one inside could see him. All the students and teachers were in lessons, so it was just the two of them outside.

Remus was smoking a cigarette. He must’ve been freezing in just his jumper; he was trembling slightly, white clouds of breath escaping his lips even when he hadn’t taken a drag.

“Remus,” Sirius said as he reached him. He was cold too, folding his arms tightly across his chest.

Remus simply brought the cigarette to his lips, inhaled, then exhaled. Everything about him was tense, raw, on edge. His mouth was a hard line when he finally spoke:

“Let’s just tell them. We wouldn’t have to be that careful anymore.”

Sirius froze. “Yes, we would,” he said flatly. They’d always have to be careful in front of other people.

Remus gave an impatient flick of his hand. “Yeah, I get that. But at least we wouldn’t have to pretend around them.” Our friends.

Sirius didn’t want to go over this again. He felt that for days they had been circling the same pointless topic, like lost souls, without making any progress. He was certain that the longer they kept at it, the further apart they would drift from each other.

Because he didn't know how to respond, he didn't. "Got one for me?"

Remus shook his head. “Last one.” He sniffed and passed the cigarette over. As Sirius took a drag, Remus seized the opportunity to lay out his argument, "Think about it. We're still in control now. We’d get to decide how they hear it. But how long d’you think that’s gonna last?”

Sirius knew exactly where this was coming from. It made sense – better to get ahead of the gossip than have someone else ruin it for them. Christ, he’d thought about it himself. He’d just… always assumed they had more time. Weeks. Months. Maybe years. Until it didn’t even need saying because people would just know.

“It’s too soon,” he countered, and even to his own ears it sounded weak.

Remus’s brow creased with frustration. “Do you really believe that? Or are you just scared you’ll lose your status as the popular charmer?”

Sirius stiffened. “What?”

“Oh, come on,” Remus pressed, the accusation clear now. “You and James love being everyone’s favourite. Maybe you just can’t stand the idea of them seeing you differently. Maybe you’re scared you’ll end up the one left out.”

Sirius’s chest tightened, heat flooding him – anger, hurt, both tangled up.

“That’s not true,” he shot back, sharper than intended. His mind was a jumble of countless unfinished sentences that he couldn’t bring himself to speak aloud. “I don’t care—”

The bell for break split through the tension. They both flinched. Sirius’s breathing was ragged and then – on impulse – he surged forward, crushing his mouth to Remus’s, hard and desperate, like he could silence the noise in his head if he just kissed him deep enough.

They stumbled, and Remus’s back smacked against the wall. His body went rigid, startled by the suddenness, then his hands gripped Sirius’s arms, digging in. Sirius deepened the kiss, almost fierce now, as if to prove to Remus that he definitely had no problem kissing him on school grounds, where students could see them at any second.

But then Remus's grip on Sirius's arms loosened, and he abruptly pulled away. Breathing heavily, he pushed Sirius away from him against his chest.

“Don’t,” he rasped. “That’s not what I meant.”

If Sirius hadn’t been instantly offended by Remus’s rejection, he might have noticed the pitiful, almost sad expression in his eyes.

Before Sirius had the chance to think about his next move, Remus slipped past him, leaving him standing there.

“Where’re you off to?” Sirius called after him.

Remus didn’t answer, so Sirius jogged to catch up. “Oi, I asked you where—”

“The shop,” Remus muttered.

“Your shift’s not till after school.”

“I’ve got a pile of bills to sort through. Can’t start early enough,” Remus grumbled.

He walked at such a pace Sirius had to half-jog to keep up. They crossed roads in silence, cut through grim little parks, neither of them saying a word.

Theo’s hardware shop was only a few blocks from school, stuck in the grottier bit of town where the plaster peeled off the walls and the windows were so caked in muck you could hardly see inside.

If Remus minded Sirius tagging along, he didn’t say so. When they reached the run-down little building, Remus shoved the key in the lock and flicked the lights on.

“Theo not in yet?” Sirius asked.

“Probably still in bed,” Remus said flatly, heading straight for the office with Sirius right behind him. “Just look at this mess.”

The place was always a state. Since Sirius had started helping Theo, he hadn’t seen the office tidy once. He knew Remus sometimes tried sorting it while his uncle was out—filing stray papers, dusting shelves, emptying the bin that was always spilling over.

The room stank of stale fag smoke, the kind that clung to clothes for days. Remus cracked a window and a freezing draught rushed in, swirling the smoke about. The sharp reek of old cigarettes mixed with the icy air made Sirius’s stomach turn.

“Want a hand?” Sirius asked, mostly out of politeness. Remus was already scooping up papers.

“Nah. No point. You’re not getting paid for it.”

“Neither are you. So why’re you doing it?” Sirius said, stepping closer.

Remus gave a tense sigh but kept his eyes down. “Go back to school, Sirius. You don’t have to be here.”

“I don’t want to go back.”

“And what’s it gonna look like to our friends, if we both vanish all of a sudden?” Remus finally looked up at him, his jaw tight, his expression sharp.

Sirius felt cornered. Remus was turning his own logic on him, twisting it back like a knife – a clever move that set him on edge. He knew before he opened his mouth that he was only repeating himself, sounding weaker every time.

“Let ’em think what they want. They don’t know.”

“Yes, they do!” Remus snapped with unusual temperament “They know, Sirius, you just don’t want to admit it. You pretend like you don’t give a toss, but you’re the one hiding the hardest.”

For a second Sirius just stood there, words stuck in his throat while a dull ache spread through his chest. Then he forced himself to speak:

“I thought we agreed not to tell anyone. We both wanted to keep it secret.”

“Yeah, and that worked for a while. But maybe it’d be easier if at least James—”

“No.” Sirius cut him off. He startled himself with how hard the word came out. Softer, he added, “The thing with the girls—it won’t last. They’ll lose interest eventually.”

Remus frowned. “You honestly reckon they’ll leave us alone before we tell them the truth?”

Sirius feared the opposite, but he said, “Yeah. I do. We just carry on like we are. Nothing will happen to us this way. We can talk to Mary, get her to knock it off. Worst comes to worst, we rope Lily in—she’s got sense.”

Remus stared at him for what felt like forever, and Sirius had the unnerving sense he was being stripped bare, layer by layer.

“I think,” Remus said slowly, “you’re not keeping this a secret to protect us. I think you care more about what James thinks than about what I feel.”

"That’s complete bollocks," Sirius said evasively, though in the same second he realised there was more truth in Remus’s accusation than he cared to admit. He felt himself covering his own insecurity with anger, just to keep it hidden. "You’re only saying that to have a go at me. I’m the arsehole because I’m trying to protect us from stupid comments and crap jokes."

“James wouldn’t make stupid comments or crap jokes!” Remus snapped.

“Maybe not him, but others would.”

“We’re not telling others. Just James. Your best mate.”

Sirius couldn’t think of a single decent comeback. His chest was rising and falling in quick bursts, his heart hammering far too fast for him to think straight. He could already feel the loss creeping in from this never-ending row, even before it was over. More than anything, he wanted to just shut up or walk away, but instead he tried again:

“You’ve got to be patient, Moony. Things’ll go back to how they were.”

“How they were,” Remus echoed bitterly, his mouth twisting. “And what exactly did we have before that’s so important to you that you absolutely have to ‘protect’ it?” He emphasised the word protect with air quotes. “Do you mean the secret meet-ups at night? Or holding hands on the bus in secret? Or constantly making sure we don’t get caught? Which of these things do you actually think is valuable enough to protect?”

All of it, Sirius thought, wounded. He couldn’t say it, not like that. The words came out poisoned instead:

“Maybe it meant nothing to you. But it did to me. I don’t want to lose it.”

“It means something to me too!” Remus flared, arms spread wide. “But how the hell do you imagine this working for us, huh? In a few months, are we still going to be sneaking around? Or when we leave school for university, are we still meant to plan secret meetings? And what, if one day we’re at the age to start families, are we just going to abandon them to steal a few moments together?” Remus’ anger kept building. It seemed these thoughts had been lingering at the edge of his mind for some time. Finally, he could voice them. Finally, he could fire them at Sirius, using his surprise attack to his advantage. “Do you really think we’d be happy with these scraps, always just little scattered pieces, but never anything whole?”

Sirius had never let himself picture that far ahead. Deep down he knew Remus wasn’t wrong. He knew the future didn’t look bright, that even uni would be an obstacle. But his reply came from the pit of his raw, injured feelings, not reason.

“You do realise we don’t have a choice…” He stumbled over the words, seething. “We’ll never have it easy like James and Lily! You’re fucking deluded if you think the world’ll just make room for us. It won’t. And if you weren’t so set on blaming me for everything, you’d see that too!”

“It’s just James, Sirius!” Remus burst out, desperate.

“I’M NOT TELLING HIM!” Sirius roared.

“Fine then,” Remus bit back, sharp as glass. His jaw was clenched, eyes hard. “You know what your problem is, Sirius? You’re living in some perfect little snapshot you’ve made up in your head, without thinking it could be gone tomorrow. And now you can’t face the fact it’s not real.”

“Oh, brilliant,” Sirius sneered. “I forgot I was talking to Remus Lupin—the all-knowing, holier-than-thou cynic who just loves pointing out how shit everyone else is.”

“You’re the only one who can’t stand it when someone holds up a mirror. You can’t bear the thought of not being perfect.”

“Fuck you, Lupin,” Sirius hissed, low but venomous. His heart was still hammering like mad, his fists tight at his sides. He wanted to crush Remus with words, make him ashamed, hurt, regretful. The rage was blinding.

Remus’s jaw was still locked, his eyes wild but cooling. The fight drained from them second by second, leaving only grim resolve. He breathed in, out, twice, then said through clenched teeth:
“You should go.”

He didn’t add, I’m not coming tonight. They both knew he won’t.

So Sirius went, and Remus stayed.

Out in the freezing wind, as a car screeched past, Sirius’s anger ebbed at last. What filled its place was dull, gnawing regret, spreading through him until his whole body shook. Then the panic hit. Huge, crushing. And he couldn’t breathe anymore.

Chapter Text

Sirius’s feet carried him forward on their own. His brain had stopped working. Any trace of logical thought was smothered under thick clouds, blocking out any clear goal or sensible reason for his next move.

His feet carried him back towards school – probably nudged along by his subconscious, which, together with his guilty conscience, reminded him that he’d walked out in the middle of studying without telling anyone.

His chest felt far too small for his heart, which was hammering wildly inside its cramped cage, desperate for more room – or for air. He tried desperately to shake off the panic, to rid himself of the gnawing sense that he’d just triggered some huge, irreversible disaster. His throat tightened as he pictured Remus standing there, barely an arm’s length away, face tense, eyes showing he was perfectly capable of summoning a tightly guarded load of hatred for Sirius.

By now, Sirius had reached the high street. He spotted the school building ahead, students still milling about in the yard for lunch break. He and Remus had been gone less than half an hour, and yet his life already felt completely altered – as though he’d taken a wrong turn and landed himself in a terrible mistake.

It felt unreal, seeing classmates rushing past him while he crossed the yard, scanning for his friends. Barty Crouch Jr came swaggering up to him, grinning, and punched him hard on the arm.

“What’s up, Black? PE later. Can’t wait to flatten you!” he said in that goading tone that set Sirius’s skin prickling. “Oh, and tell your boyfriend to wrap up warm. He can’t keep skiving forever. At some point he’s got to be graded.”

On another day, Sirius might have flipped him the finger or fired back with some sharp and equally poisonous comeback. Today he couldn’t even muster a half-hearted smirk. His mouth twitched, and he suspected he’d pulled a grimace as he tried and failed to force his muscles into producing any sort of proper reaction. Not that it mattered; Barty had already strode off.

At their usual spot by the benches, Sirius finally spotted his friends. They were huddled close together, legs pressed side by side – partly because of the lack of space, partly against the cold.

“Sirius!” James called as Sirius came up. He flung his arms out in disbelief. “Where the hell were you? Why did you just vanish?”

“And where’s Remus?” Mary asked, frowning as she got to her feet. Her perfectly made-up face looked oddly guilty beneath her worry.

Sirius’s mouth felt stuffed with cotton wool when he said, “At the shop. Had to cover last minute.”

“Now?!” James’s eyebrows shot up. “In the middle of school? What, has his uncle gone mad or something? He can’t just drag him out in the–”

“You know what Remus is like,” Sirius muttered wearily. Dorcas, clearly sensing the slump in his mood, stood and offered him her spot. He dropped onto it, heavy as lead.

“Bloody hell,” James muttered unhappily. Sirius didn’t look at him, but he could picture his mate raking a hand through his hair, desperately searching for words to explain just how unfair it all was – and how much he wished it were different. “We need to talk to him. All of us. Put a stop to this unhealthy mess.”

“And what’s that going to change,” Sirius said flatly. He phrased it not as a question, but as a statement confirming that nothing and no one could change Remus's stubbornness.

James pushed back, saying they should at least try. He rambled on about how, if they all pulled together, Remus would have to see sense. Lily suggested pooling money for a Christmas gift. Marlene argued Remus would see straight through it. Sirius silently agreed. Remus would feel like a charity case – and if there was one thing he hated, it was feeling like a charity case.

His friends were arguing in loud voices, exchanging ideas and plotting how to get Remus to slow down. Sirius sat silently, barely listening. Their solemn voices were filled with words that slipped past him like water on glass.

Inside him yawned a hole that grew bigger with every tick of the clock, threatening to swallow him whole.

He fixed his eyes on a crack in the tarmac, where stubborn weeds pushed through – yellowish, trampled, half-dead, but still clinging to life. Every time Sirius thought back to the argument, to storming out of the shop without an apology, a restless weight settled on his chest, making every breath harder.

The longer he replayed the words he’d hurled at Remus, the more restless he became. He wondered what Remus was doing now. Whether he really was tidying the shop, or if the same panic had gripped him too tightly to manage it.

James said his name. Sirius looked up.

James gave him a searching look. “You alright, mate? Why’d you leave with Remus? Did Theo want you too?”

At first Sirius didn’t follow. “Er, no, I was just… I had an errand. Uh… bought a new record.”

James looked like he wanted to press further, but the school bell cut him off. He sighed, then tried again. “Alright, let’s change the subject. Who revised for the English test?”

“Oh, don’t even start,” Peter groaned nervously.

They marched towards the classroom door, chatting about the upcoming English test with Mrs McGonagall – one none of them had revised for, except of course Lily Evans. Sirius’s thoughts drifted back to Remus, sitting alone in his uncle’s cluttered office, trying to bring some order to the chaos and missing an exam because of it. It wasn’t like him at all. Sirius knew Remus would never willingly skip an exam unless there was a very good reason.

Mrs McGonagall nearly toppled over in surprise when James explained, in answer to her question about Mr Lupin’s whereabouts, that Remus had gone home because he wasn’t feeling well.

“Earlier in the corridor he looked perfectly fine to me,” the teacher muttered, more to herself than to the six students hovering around her desk while she scribbled a note in the register. Looking up again, she seemed startled to find them still standing there. “Are you waiting for me to hand out biscuits? Come on then, sit down. Mr Black, distribute the papers, if you please.”

Sirius, the only one of his friends who had already slunk past her desk to his seat, got back up to take the stack of papers from her.

“I trust you paid attention in the last lesson,” McGonagall addressed the class in her stern tone. “It won’t be long before your A-Levels. I expect you to go over the material properly at home if you don’t understand it in class. This exam will show us who has taken my advice to heart.”

Sirius sat down again. McGonagall glanced briefly at her watch, then gave a sharp nod to signal that they could begin.

He flipped his paper over almost in unison with the rest of the class. But instead of even writing his name, he just stared at the words until they blurred together in his mind, impossible to take in or make sense of. His gaze drifted out the window, where a heavy grey mist hung in the air, making it difficult to see very far.

Sirius stared. And stared. And stared. Only when McGonagall clapped her hands sharply and announced that time was up was he dragged back across the deep chasm of his thoughts into reality. With a sinking feeling, he scrawled his name at the top of the blank sheet just as a classmate came round to collect it.

***

“Why do we have to play rugby?” Peter grumbled as they got changed in the locker room. Rugby was the sport Peter despised most of all. His older brother Ollie was a complete natural at it, had even made it into his university team. Peter, on the other hand, excelled at other things – things his brother considered utterly irrelevant.

“Either rugby or dancing with the girls, I reckon,” James said with a shrug. He shoved in his gumshield and pulled a stupid grin to cheer Peter up.

Sirius was lacing his boots. He, much like Peter, was in a foul mood. Not only because he had no interest in rugby, but because Mrs McGonagall had asked to see him after class. The conversation still left a bitter taste in his mouth, even though she hadn’t actually told him off. Quite the opposite, really…