Work Text:
Alguien me habló todos los días de mi vida
al oído, despacio, lentamente.
Me dijo: ¡vive, vive, vive!
Era la muerte
-Jaime Sabines-
El mito
The first time she met death, it was a soft introduction.
Her Father was steading her hands, her hold on the fishing wire tentative, together they started to tire It out pulling and pushing, pulling and pushing, It felt like forever, but when she was ready to voice a complaint suddenly...
There! Something glittering in the water!
It was a fish, small, silver in color and trashing like crazy! figthing for His life.
'It looks so pretty!'
An hour later Leah and her Father were sitting in front of a fire, the little fish she caught sitting in the flames, like a trophy, her grin made her cheeks hurt, her eyes gleaming. She did that, all by herself. Her friend Ella is not going to believe her once she's back home. ‘Leah you are the coolest' that's what she is going to say for sure.
"Leah, look, the fish is ready. You see how it has changed color?"
Instead of a bluish grey color (like gelly, ew) the meat of the fish was now phuffy, white and brown, the marks of the grill giving parts of It a goldenish color. From time to time the draining juice made a sizing sound once it reached the flames below. The air around them smelled delicious.
The best fisher and now the best cheff! She was really out-doing herself today!
"Yup!"
"That's when we can eat It, but first we need to say thank you first"
Say thank you? To whom, the fish? "Why?"
"Because they are providing for us, giving us sustenance. Means that we understand that their existence has meaning even after death, so we have to say 'thank you fish~'"
"That's silly Dad, fish are just food!"
She was too young back then.
...
When children grow they start to get expectations, some sort of self-consciousness about the other things existing around, she was not different in that regard, at least towards the idea of empathy, kindness.
Those kids also have to let go of the inherent narcissism all toddlers seem to possess and start welcoming the thought of others besides oneself: sharing if you must.
She always had a little more trouble with that part though.
…
“Mom, guess what. Our new teacher at school has a puppy! She showed us a lot of pictures in class and said that we should be nice to all animals, always. Ella said that she is going to get a puppy too! and that i can play at her house with it if i want…”
“Mom, Do you feel bad eating animals?”
Mom
“If everybody says killing is wrong, why do we kill animals? What's the difference? they feel pain too im sure, the other day a pig ran into the fence and hurt his nose, Dad and I cured him! so I know they can feel pain…”
Mom
Mom
“Do you think the other pigs miss their friends when you take them away?”
Mom
Mom
Mom
“Killing puppies is wrong, everybody says so, if you kill a pig it's like you are killing a puppy in spirit, that’s wrong Mom! even the TV says so!”
Mom
Mooooom!
It was around that time when Leo was born.
So Leah got a puppy.
…
“Mister, Why do we kill animals?”
…
“My Mom is the worst Mister, every time I try to talk with her about something she turns me away! It's very annoying, she knows I'm asking the real questions here, but it's like she doesn't care anymore! And Dad is not better, all he does is stay in his office to avoid me!”
“... All they care about anymore is that ugly baby! And he is very ugly. Míster, Let me tell you, I saw him the first time they came to pick me up from Ella’s house after the hospital, and he was ugly! His face was red and scrunchy, and the worst part is that he never stops crying. Now that I think about it… Mister, do you have siblings?”
“Are they ugly too?”
…
Why don't you love me anymore?
…
The second time, death swallowed her whole.
…
The third time she faced death, she hoped it would be the last.
It's not that she hated life, quite the opposite actually, it's just…Everything dies: Plants, animals, fungus, microorganisms. Time consumes everything, erodes it to the core, earth’s programmed obsolescence, we are all Cattle, raised to eat, born to die, to be eaten. (She can recognize the necessity, but the joy)
It can take hours, seconds or years but Time consumes everyone…eventualy. She is condemned one way or another. It is easier to make every second count once she understood It.
(Don't you value your life?)
She didn’t ask to be saved.
She can't bring herself to die, not yet, she does not want to, but she can't live like this, she can't breathe like this, every heartbeat feels stolen.
Heaven doesn't have so many blessings. She was never meant to be one.
Yet there is a force pulling her forward, something other than herself moving her limbs around and dragging her like a doll towards a single goal.
Revenge.
To him.
Everything dies except when It doesn't, that's when you have to kill It.
(Aren't you going to eat that? If you don't eat at all you are going to starve to death, what's the point in that?)
…
Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted (Jonh 6:12 )
…
(Bárbara would you be sad if I die?’ What a dumb question, you always were kinder than me.
I'm sorry.)
She was always a selfish girl, always wanted to matter.
…
The first time Leah remembers death, it felt like a soft breeze.
Her grandmother had recently passed away and she was eating her first fish with her Dad.
(She keep insistíng that she was coming back)
“Leah, you know how things sometimes die? Plants, animals, fungus, microorganisms… Wow I'm really bad at this, what I want you to see is: death happens, that's not a bad thing, it's just how life works. We all live so we can die one day, one way or another. Like the fish we eat or like a flower that withers away. I don't want you to see death as a source of sadness but as a way of acceptance, live your life to the fullest so at the end you can rest happy.
Death is part of us as much as life, so even if your grandmother is not with us anymore or if in the future we are not together I don't want you to feel sadness, let's be grateful for the time we spend together, very well?”
“Lets enjoy our meal together!”
She misses them so much
….
Now when she dreams of death she does it with a smile.
(She Is not in a hurry to meet them yet)