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You can see it on her face, see the way her eyes soften- reminiscing about past smiles, past laughter, a past love she no longer holds for your soul- the same one she once cherished as a blessing to the universe itself. It's always been her- always been Ada. She's the one you had always seen yourself looking for first in a room full of people, the woman that clouds your mind with each shattering breath that keeps you afloat in life- keeps your thoughts rattled inside your head- your hands nervous- shaking and twitching at your sides.
She had broken you, softened you- whispered sweet words to make you melt and curl into her warm embrace that sheltered you from everything that felt like it was freezing you dead. She'd whittled down your defenses, tore down every single barrier you put up in between the two of you; was kind to you-- understood you did it all in a sad attempt to save yourself from whatever it was you were so afraid of feeling again.
–.
To only abandon you once you were stripped down bare, once you had exposed yourself to her- shown her your truest love and affection, your purest intentions–. . . You know she's already absent with her feelings, holding onto a string between the two of you just because she knows you'll go insane without her. She had bewitched you, charmed you before you could even realize it- only to leave you with the despair, a lack of the affection you had grown to become dependent on, grown to become addicted to- leaving you lonely in the night, wondering when exactly it was that she decided you weren't working out for her.
You miss it.
You miss it so . fucking terribly.
You miss the way Ada would visibly brighten whenever you’d appear to give her day a little more excitement than perhaps she needed in the mornings– you miss the way Ada would hold you when you were desperate– begging the world to give you kindness and patience for just a night. You miss the way she'd kiss your cheek every morning- waiting for you to wake up, letting her eyes memorize every single detail of your relaxed- sleeping face, pulling you closer- just so she could have you in her arms- feel your body against her- promise that nobody else could ever make her feel the way you do.
But it's just not the same.
It is no longer the same shy, fleeting touches she had given you during the beginning of your relationship- but instead hesitant fingers forcing themselves to continue to drag along your cold skin- her hands always pulling away a little too quickly- her lips always turning to a frown when you beg her for attention, beg her for kisses- for hugs, for her to fucking notice you and love you.
You need Ada to love and notice you, to just give you one last kiss- to abandon the thoughts of how she misses how you used to be, misses your old smile-- how you used to laugh and giggle at her- misses the way you used to talk all the time– misses a version of yourself you can't give her anymore.
It's torture, having to see her avoiding you every morning because she just doesn't feel that same spark anymore, having to see her enjoy her time with everyone else but you now, having to see her force herself to put on a smile and ask you how your day was when you know she could – wants to care less.
. . .
You just wish she'd be honest, spare you the pain of having to know you aren't what she wants anymore. Grant you the mercy of her just leaving, finally ending things with you instead of pretending like everything is okay- pretending like she can even act like she still loves you without having to swallow down all the things she really wants to say.
You know there's just too much she wishes she could really say to you, you can see the way she always looks like she wishes all the words that come from you were said by someone else she'd prefer much more. Somebody that could still give her a reason to try, a reason to share that softness within the deepest parts of her love you no longer seem to have access to.
. . .
You'll hold onto it, a crumbling relationship- ignore everything she does, if it means she'll just stay with you- you'll grovel on the ground like a dog, if it means she'll praise you like one and forgive you for whatever the hell it is you even did to her to make her feel like this to begin with– all of it– if it means she’ll just be there for you, kiss you and love you like she used to– make new memories with you instead of complaining about the old ones.
You’ll change, you'll be different- you could alter the way you speak, the way you dress and present yourself if it means she'll stay, you'll pick up the shattered pieces of your own heart, tend to it and care for it yourself- hold yourself within your own embrace, whisper that everything is going to be okay,– just for her to remind you why you even needed the comfort in the first place.
You’ll ignore it all, pick yourself up and pretend everything is fine- if it means she'll just stay .
Stay – let you pretend she really does still love you, let you talk about whatever you want and pretend she's really listening– as long as it means she'll stay with you .