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Yeonjun tries so, so hard to be strong.
He's the oldest, the hyung, he has to be strong for his members. He wants to be. But even he has limits.
Today was one of them.
For once, he actually had the day off. After weeks of an insane, strenuous schedule and busting his ass off (all worth it, as long as he could see MOA's smiles while he performs. He'd do it ten times over again as long as he could see the happiness spread across their faces), his schedule was finally cleared.
Conveniently only his, though, which he's pretty sure is what set him off in the first place. While Soobin, Taehyun and Huening Kai were scheduled to attend a radio talk show, and Beomgyu had a schedule of his own set up with Chanel, Yeonjun was left alone with just himself.
Lovely.
He always hated being alone on days like this. Days after months of grueling practice and a hectic schedule where he had almost no time to think for himself. Now, in the deathly silence of their empty dorms, left alone with nothing but himself, he fears he has too much time to think now.
Too much time to think about all of the mistakes he's made. All of the wrong things that left his mouth. About who he may have disappointed.
Suddenly, his phone dings. A groan escapes his lips and he blindly reaches for his phone which is hidden somewhere in his bed between the messy sheets that he hasn't bothered to make yet. When he finds it, he doesn't see a text like he was expecting (hoping for), but instead sees a notification from Twitter (yes, from his secret account. No, nobody can know).
YEONJUN UNSTABLE VOCALS?
'After their second win for title track Deja Vu, TXT member Yeonjun shows just how terrible of a singer he is during encore stage!'
Yeonjun feels his breath escape him, and suddenly it becomes hard to breathe. His finger trembles as he clicks on the video, which shows him and the other members singing during the encore stage. He's panting and holding his stomach, hunched over embarrassingly and his voice shakes slightly when he sings his parts. So much so that it makes him wish he didn't have any parts to sing. He doesn't deserve them. Not after that.
The others sound so amazing, so perfect, and look so beautiful. And there he is looking like a sweating pig who can't hold a single note.
He can't help but admire his other members. They all look so graceful and effortless. Huening Kai, their maknae with his sweet smile and soft voice. Taehyun, with his beautiful eyes and outstanding voice. Soobin, their leader, who takes on so many responsibilities to keep them together and stable. And Beomgyu, the center of their group. They wouldn't be TXT without every single one of them.
His eyes cannot stray from Beomgyu. His porcelain skin and soft, brown hair that seems only to keep growing more and more. That same brown hair that he cards his fingers through every single night, the same skin that he draws circles into the heart of his cheek. The same, soft big brown eyes that stare back into his when they lay in the same bed. The same side that is so cold and empty without him there.
Yeonjun purses his lips, inhaling softly—trying to keep the tears as bay as the video continues to play, moving onto the next member.
And then he just has to go and ruin it.
Pausing the video, he scrolls down to the comments.
'Yeonjun is so bad. He cannot sing for his life.'
'TXT doesn't need Yeonjun. He's just an attention-seeker.'
'He is a visual, nothing else.'
'Yeonjun move away so I can see Beomgyu kekekeke'
'What does Yeonjun even offer?'
What does he offer?
Before he can dwell on it, he shuts his phone off and tosses it to the floor. Better to be without it than with it. All it does is cause more harm than not.
He knows—he knows he shouldn't let those comments get to him. They all worked incredibly hard this comeback, and they all did amazing but—
Perhaps he truly did let them all down. Maybe he isn't enough. Is that why he was given no schedule? As a punishment? Did he not deserve one?
"You need to rest, Yeonjun," is what his manager told him when Yeonjun had asked about his schedule last night.
"I'm fine." He had responded, to which his manager simply gave him an exasperated, all-knowing look, as if he expected the push-back, which quite honestly was an insulting insinuation.
Not that it was wrong, but still.
Finally, his manager stops in his tracks and turns to face him. He places his hands over his shoulders sternly and says, "You need to rest. You have been driving yourself crazy and stretching yourself thin for this comeback. You've done well. You've worked hard. This is my gift from me to you. Please, rest."
At the time, Yeonjun was so shocked that he had just nodded and accepted it. But now, he wonders if that was the truth. He is perfectly fine. He doesn't need rest. He needs to be with his members, because what if they need him?
Anxiety begins to fill his stomach again. Nausea washes over him, but he honestly isn't sure if that's from his own uncertainty or because he hasn't eaten yet.
His phone dings again, and as much as he wanted to ignore it, he found himself stretching across the bed and the floor (anything to not actually have to get up from the bed) and snatches his phone.
Beomi-Bear ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ sent an image.
aren’t i pretty hyung? ^^ shoot is almost over. have you eaten yet? (≧ヮ≦)
Yeonjun smiles at the picture, immediately saving it to his camera roll before typing out a reply,
yah, focus on your shoot >:( be a professional!!
Immediately, a reply comes back.
did you eat?
Yeonjun hesitates. He doesn't feel like doing anything, but he also doesn't want to bicker with Beomgyu. Not this time.
Instead he does what he does best. Deflect.
see you when you get home bambi ♡⸝⸝
Then he shoves his phone under his pillow and waits.
Turning his head to the side, he looks at the blinking clock on his bedside table.
9:00 PM.
The others are probably done with their schedules already, but they might have decided to get a meal together. Yeonjun's stomach grumbles anxiously at the thought. It's only then that he realizes how much time has actually passed, and how he's somehow forgotten to eat all day. When was the last time he got up? He doesn't remember a single time he got up since the others left at twelve.
Shadows dance around his room, filling the quarters and corners with its somber sadness. However, Yeonjun isn't fully sure if he isn't partly to blame. His head aches with the incessant, annoying daunting thoughts of his own self-doubt and insecurities and his face already feels puffy from the nap he took, shoved into his pillows.
He finds himself turned into his side, one hand cradling his face and the other one laying on Beomgyu's side of the bed (it isn't even really his side, he has his own room, but he so often comes to sleep with him that now it is just deemed as 'Beomgyu's side'. It's the right side of the bed, FYI) and stares at the light blue curtains that hang over his window. He can still see the faint outline of the Seoul city line through them, and the noisy light pollution peers through his room, casting it in a soft, glowy light and illuminates the shadows.
Suddenly, the door slowly creaks open. A new shadow enters the room, and Yeonjun would recognize it anywhere.
"Hey," he smiles softly, his voice coming out raspy and unused. A whole day of not speaking, lost only in his own suffocating thoughts.
Beomgyu startles, apparently not expecting Yeonjun despite coming into his room, and nearly drops the plastic bag in his hands. "Oh," he says, surprised. "You're awake. Have you eaten?"
That damn question.
Slowly pushing himself up, he rubs his neck. "I fell asleep."
Beomgyu pauses in his tracks, half way across the bedroom, and raises a brow. "All day?"
"Pretty much. Where are the others? Shouldn't the radio show have ended a few hours ago?"
"They went to get hot pot."
Yeonjun scrunches his nose in confusion. Thanks to the city light peering through the sheer curtains, Yeonjun can see a small smile grace Beomgyu's face at the action. "And you didn't go with them?" He asks, because Beomgyu always likes to get a meal together. It was one of his favorite things.
Beomgyu holds up the plastic bag, and only then Yeonjun can make out two containers inside of them. "I brought us food. Breakfast in bed, how does that sound?" His once sweet smile turns mischievous.
"But it's night."
Beomgyu finally makes it across the bedroom and takes his rightful spot on the right side of the bed, crossing his legs and setting the bag between them. "So? Breakfast always tastes better when you aren't supposed to have it." He giggles.
Yeonjun can't help but smile. "I suppose so."
Opening the containers, Beomgyu reveals one plate of chicken and waffles, to which Yeonjun raises a brow that says 'really?' and to which Beomgyu simply leans back in a fit of giggles before opening the next one, which has strawberry parfaits and french toast, along with two small containers of syrup. The younger wastes no time in of opening that and dousing it all in fake sugary syrup. He cuts a piece of waffle and holds it up in the air.
"Say 'ah', hyung."
Yeonjun shakes his head. "I'm supposed to be dieting."
Beomgyu furrows his brows at him, clearly expressing his disapproval. He then proceeds to shove the fork even closer to his face, risking sticky syrup to drop onto their sheets.
Yeonjun quickly places his hand under the fork to prevent any mess. "Seriously! I cant eat anymore! I'm already falling behind, and I can't even keep up with our choreography anymore and I look like a pig—" He stops abruptly when he realizes what he's said, and pulls his hand from under the fork to cover his mouth.
The other stares at him with shock, and for some reason, there appears to be a hint of hurt residing in his doe-like eyes. What could he possibly upset about? He didn't say anything insulting, did he? At least everything that came from his mouth was the truth.
A few beats of silence pass by before Beomgyu's hand encompasses his wrist and gently pulls his hand from his wrist. "We'll talk about that later," he swallows thickly. "But please eat, hyung. I bought it for us to enjoy."
Yeonjun stares at him, as his perfect, pleading eyes that he can never seem to look away from, and how genuine he sounds in his request, and how he just can't seem to say no to Beomgyu.
With a sigh, he opens his mouth slightly.
And perhaps it was worth it, because the smile that adorns Beomgyu's mouth as he feeds him disgusting, soggy, sugary waffles is worth a million upset tummies and breaking diets.
It's only then, after finishing the waffle together and moving onto the parfait, and watching Beomgyu happily shove strawberry after strawberry into his mouth, does he realize how much warmer his bedroom is now they Beomgyu is in it.
"So," he drawls after biting into his chicken with a smile on his lips. "You never said whether you thought I was pretty or not." Beomgyu says.
Yeonjun scoffs. "I thought you were unprofessional."
Leaning forward with that teasing, mischievous smile, he says, "But did you think I was pretty~?"
He's so close their noses could touch. He smells like syrup and strawberries, and Yeonjun can't help but lean forward and kiss the tip of his nose. Beomgyu leans back in surprise and blinks cutely before Yeonjun rolls his eyes and says, "You're always pretty. Don't ask stupid questions."
Beomgyu happily continues feeding him after that.
"Come on, hyung."
Yeonjun groans and mumbles under his breath, eyes still shut with his face half shoved into a much too comfortable pillow (honestly, it isn't the pillow. It's just the fact that Beomgyu's here now, and he can finally be at peace with himself). He throws an arm over his face as Beomgyu's hands are tugging at his waist, attempting to drag him out of their warm bed.
"Don't wanna gooooo." He whines, resisting the other and desperately holding onto the sheets.
"It's almost midnight. We've been rotting for hours!"
Yeonjun turns his head over his shoulder, and he's sure the expression he's making is most similar to an angry kitten, but he doesn't care. "And?" He asks sassily.
"Anddddd we need to shower." Beomgyu tugs again.
That certainly grabs Yeonjun's attention. "We?"
A blush coats Beomgyu's cheeks. Hm. Rare. He should do it again sometime.
For once, Beomgyu seems to be at a loss for words. His grip on Yeonjun's waist goes slack as he searches for a defense, or perhaps a distraction at best. Yeonjun's smirk only grows wider and wider at his prolonged embarrassment.
"If you wanted to see me undressed you could have just said so, baby." He teases mercilessly.
"Shut up!" Beomgyu manages to find a stray sock and chucks it at him. He then sinks into himself and shyly mutters. "I just wanted to shower with you."
"Just shower?"
Nodding, he reiterates softly, "Just shower."
God, Yeonjun could hear that soft voice all night.
"Fine." Yeonjun finally agrees, because again, he simply cannot say no to his Beomgyu.
Beomgyu ends up still dragging him to the bathroom before forcing him to sit on the closed toilet seat. He shoves a headband with stupid, orange cat ears over his head to which Yeonjun sticks his tongue out to in defiance, which only earns a giggle from Beomgyu.
He grabs the micellar water and a digs for a cotton pad before soaking it in it and gently brings it to his face.
"It's cold~" Yeonjun whines yet again. He doesn't care if he sounds childish. Perhaps he doesn't mind someone taking care of him for once.
"Don't care." Beomgyu purses his lips in that way he does when he's being purposefully annoying, and swipes gently under his eye to get all of the smudged eyeliner off and the concealer that he slept in. Which, he knows is terrible for his skin, but he just didn't have it in him to do it himself. But that's why Beomgyu is here. No matter what he says, Yeonjun knows he cares.
He drags the pad over his lips, makes sure to rub the excessively to the point that Yeonjun is almost drowning in micellar water, and just as Yeonjun is about to push Beomgyu away, he drags the back of his palm across his lips before leaning down to give a quick, fleeting kiss.
Yeonjun stares open-mouthed for a second as Beomgyu giggles once more. Then he smiles and grabs Beomgyu by the waist and pulls him onto his lap. Beomgyu squeals and tries to get up and pull away, but Yeonjun holds him down and smothers his face in sloppy, fast kisses in every single spot he can catch while the other squirms in his lap.
"Okay! Okay!" Beomgyu chuckles.
Yeonjun presses one last kiss to his lips before smiling up at him, arms still wrapped possessively around his waist. God, how he missed him. It was only one day that they weren't together, and he almost lost himself.
"What about you?" He asks suddenly.
"Hm?" He hums absent-mindedly, fingers massaging into the back of his neck comfortingly.
"Your makeup."
"Oh, I forgot."
Yeonjun shakes his head, although he can't shake off the ghost of a smile. "Dummy," he says before reaching over and grabbing the micellar water and a fresh cotton pad. "Come 'ere."
Beomgyu allows him to man-handle him, shifting him in a better position in his lap and grabbing his chin and jerking it down to meet his gaze. Yeonjun can physically feel Beomgyu relax into his embrace, and that sends a warm, fluttery feeling to his stomach. Knowing that at least he has some sort of the same affect that Beomgyu has on him.
He stares at the older in silence as Yeonjun gently runs the cotton pad over his face, slowly taking hours of work and stress off along with the makeup.
"There, all done." He squishes both of the others cheeks, forcing his lips to pout cutely. A giggle escapes his lips, certainly expecting a reaction from the younger, but he simply allows it and continues staring at him. Furrowing his brows, he groans dramatically, "What is it?"
Seeming to snap out of it, Beomgyu blinks for a moment before shaking his head softly. "Nothing. You're just pretty, hyung." He says.
A blush coats Yeonjun's cheeks, which makes him even more embarrassed than the unexpected compliment. "Yah," he pushes the others shoulder. "I'm not wearing any makeup. I haven't even washed my face. Stop it."
Beomgyu kisses the top of his nose again. Yeonjun hates when he does that.
Rising from his lap, Beomgyu shrugs. "You're still pretty."
"Whatever." Yeonjun grumbles.
Beomgyu ends up running a bath rather than a shower. Steam filters through the room and fogs the mirror, filling it with heat and warmth.
"I stopped by the market on the corner before I came home and saw these lavender-scented bubbles!" Isn't that perfect, hyung?" Beomgyu had said with a stupid, goofy smile on his face.
Yeonjun could only laugh and shake his head, but how could he say no to that face?
It was like just Beomgyu had said. Just a shower—or, well, bath now. Beomgyu had insisted on helping him in the bath, so that he wouldn't fall, which was stupid because Yeonjun is perfectly capable of getting into a damn bathtub, but because he can never say no to that brat, he allowed him to hold his hand like a gentleman and guide him in.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, he blushed.
Now they're sitting in the bathroom, with Beomgyu first and Yeonjun between his legs while the younger tells him about his day.
"I begged manager-nim to get me coffee first before we arrived so we ended up ten minutes late." He chuckles as he lathers shampoo in his hands, rubbing them together before carding them through Yeonjun's hair and begins massaging it into his scalp.
Yeonjun hums. Beomgyu had insisted on washing him too, just because he wanted too, apparently.
"Was the staff mad?" Yeonjun asks lazily, sinking into Beomgyu's chest and closing his eyes.
"I charmed them, naturally. They can't stay mad for long once they see my pretty face and smile."
Yeonjun half scoffs and half laughs and squeezes Beomgyu's thigh underwater. "You're so arrogant."
"Am I wrong?"
He can feel Beomgyu's broad smile.
"I told you not to ask stupid questions."
"Exactly," he says proudly before grabbing the cup on the ledge and places one hand protectively over Yeonjun's face before rinsing the shampoo out.
Warm water drizzles down Yeonjun's face, almost lulling him to sleep alongside the comforting rhythmic beat of Beomgyu's heart against his warm chest.
"Oh, and the clothes were so pretty," he continues massaging the conditioner into his scalp, too. His fingers tug gently on his hair the way he likes it, and he makes sure to drag his nails across his crown before rinsing it out again. "You would have loved them, hyung. You would have looked so pretty in them."
"Stop it," Yeonjun groans, pursing his lips in embarrassment. "What is wrong with you today?"
"What?" Beomgyu whines. "Can I not call you pretty?"
"No." Yeonjun grumbles, crossing his arms, eyes still shut.
Beomgyu makes an indignant sound before he reaches over and tilts Yeonjun's chin, forcing him to look up. With only one eye open, he squints at the younger and raises a brow.
Beomgyu giggles. "Accept it!"
"Accept what?!"
"My love!"
"Or else?"
"Or else!"
As if it were a theat, he tilts the others chin up and kisses him upside down. Yeonjun can't help but smile between his lips as he returns the kiss and cups Beomgyu's face. It was a weird, awkward angle, and Yeonjun wonders how the hell Spider-man and MJ did it so effortlessly, but he also didn't care. As long as he was kissing Beomgyu. As long as he could feel his soft, sweet lips between his.
Beomgyu pats his cheek gently after a few seconds and breaks the kiss. Their noses are touching, and he scrunches his nose which only makes Yeonjun feel like he could sink deeper and deeper into this tub and drown in his cuteness, and rubs their noses together before saying,
"Come on. Let's get dried up."
"Okay." Yeonjun says dumbly, and allows Beomgyu to help him out of the tub and dry his hair for him and wrap a towel around his waist, and holds his hand and walks him through the empty hallway as if he wasn't capable of doing all of those things by himself.
But if it made Beomgyu feel happy, then he'd let him do whatever he wanted.
They change into their pajamas, with Beomgyu adorned in both Yeonjun's sweatshirt and sweatpants and Yeonjun in a pair of plaid pajama pants and a loose tank top, they quickly crawl into bed.
It was nearing almost two in the morning now, and Yeonjun knew the others have been home for a while
now, if their shoes at the entrance were anything to go by, but they probably decided not to disturb them.
They turned on a movie for white noise, not really to watch because Beomgyu immediately turned Yeonjun around to spoon him, hands finding home around his waist and face settled warmly in the crook of his neck. He can feel the race of Beomgyu's smile against his skin as they lay like that in silence, enjoying nothing but each others presence.
Yeonjun was beyond grateful. For everything. How Beomgyu can just change the whole direction of the day just by being there. How he lights up a room with his presence. How he fills Yeonjun with warmth. How he fulfills his needs without even being needed to be told.
"Hyung?"
"Hm?"
"Do you want to come with me to my next schedule?"
"Hmm."
"Then you won't have to be lonely."
Yeonjun turns around to glare at him. "I wasn't lonely."
Beomgyu smiles and pulls him into an embrace, tangling their legs together. "Of course not. But I missed you."
"Fine," Yeonjun grumbles, shoving his face into the others chest. Here, he feels at home. "If you insist."
He can feel the vibration of Beomgyu's giggle. "I do."
"Whatever you want, baby."
...
"Yeonjun?"
"Mmm?"
"Don't think I forgot about that talk. We'll talk about it in the morning," Yeonjun's eyes widen in surprise. He had forgotten about his outburst earlier. What would Beomgyu want to talk about? What would he want to say? Nothing is wrong. He just made a mistake, and he has to work to fix it. Every idol goes through that. There is nothing wrong with that. He doesn't get to dwell on it for long before Beomgyu places a kiss on his forehead. "I love you."
Yeonjun tightens his grip around his waist and swallows roughly. "I love you more, baby."