Archive of Our Own

If you asked him any other day, Minho would tell you that he loves taking care of his members. Dearly. He loves being their shoulder to lean on, even if he shows his support in a very peculiar way. Outsiders wouldn’t assume that he is dependable, but his members know they can count on him and that is all that really matters.

Today, though. Right now, though… is not one of those days.

Jisung is sitting in front of him, cheeks flushed, leg bouncing, nervous energy buzzing through his entire body.

He avoids looking into Minho’s eyes.

Because Jisung just asked him to kiss him. Because Jisung just confessed that he’s been questioning his sexuality and since Minho is gay, he won’t mind, right? He can help, right?

If not him, then who?

But the longer Minho sits frozen, the more Jisung’s leg bounces, the darker the flush in his cheeks gets, away from embarrassed and straight into ashamed, and Minho hates that he is the reason for it, but he…

He can’t.

He just can’t, okay?

“Sorry,” Jisung’s voice sounds faint. “That was probably too much, right? Sorry… You can just forget-”

“Jisungie,” Minho’s voice, on the other hand, sounds desperately choked up. “Jisungie, it’s… it’s okay, really. But I… I can’t.” Jisung winces and Minho tries to explain. “Not because I don’t…” But how? “Please, I’m so sorry, but I just can’t, I-”

“Hyung,” There is a tremor on Jisung’s lips, made all the more obvious by the smile he tries to force. “You really don’t have to explain, it was a stupid request.”

“No, Sung, it-”

“It’s okay!” He jumps up from Minho’s bed and nearly trips towards the door. Like he can’t stand being anywhere near Minho for a second longer. “Seriously, don’t worry about it. It was dumb.”

“Jisung…”

“It’s pretty late, Hyung. We should both get some sleep, yeah?”

And Minho knows that he hurt him. Knows exactly what is going through that stupidly self-conscious mind of his because he knows Jisung, probably better than he knows even himself. And he hates himself, but how the fuck is he supposed to explain without ruining everything they have built together?

Again.

Is losing Jisung inevitable? Has it always been inevitable?

Minho doesn’t… he doesn’t know how he would survive that.

Either way, he will hurt the both of them.

Because Minho, stupid, stupid Minho, had to go and fall in love with his best friend. Had to fall in love with his better half, his soulmate. His very platonic soulmate, who might not be as straight as Minho believed for years but definitely only sees him as a friend.

Who the fuck would ask a potential boyfriend to experiment, after all?

—

He can still feel Jisung's shaky hand in his when his failure was announced. The reassuring, warm touch, as warm as the tears tumbling down his cheeks, unbidden and unwanted. Chan was there to hug him, to hold him together and he couldn’t help but apologize because they promised each other, they all promised each other that they would succeed together and here he was, fucking up, disappointing everyone and it hurt so bad, he wanted to scream.

He saw Jisung's wide, sad eyes over Chan's shoulder.  Could see the fear in them and he willed the tears away, forced deep breaths into his body. He dislodged himself from Chan’s embrace and gave him a trembling smile.

“I'm sorry.”

He stopped crying.

In front of the others.

Even after being asked back, he stopped crying.

He didn’t want to scare them anymore.

Disappoint them anymore.

He was terrified they would regret fighting for him.

—

The thing is… as much as Minho loves taking care of his members, he is also pretty new to it. He’s an only child - cats unfortunately not counting -, has often been one of the younger people in his friend groups and was the youngest member of his dance crew. Perhaps not always a maknae, but having the responsibilities of a hyung is something else entirely. And with Stray Kids, suddenly there is only Chan, who is older. And Chan… Chan has so damn much on his plate. And Minho shouldn’t… can’t add to it.

Not after everything Chan has done for him.

Of course, he’s acted out before.

Complained.

Goofed around.

Still does, really.

Sometimes arguably too much.

But after several gentle to none-too-gentle reprimands from their managers, other groups, and on one painfully embarrassing occasion JYP himself, to start acting his age, to heed his position, his responsibility, Minho learned to… tone it down.

He’s Chan’s second in command now.

His feelings… his problems, they aren't important in the grand scheme of things. His position as hyung to the others is important and it means so much to him. Stray Kids means so much to him. He doesn’t need Chan to coddle him. He can't make him regret fighting for Minho. He can be his right-hand man, can support him, without adding to his stress.

He can.

It's fine.

Minho, generally, is fine.

Well… fine enough not to worry Chan.

That pinched look in Chan’s eyes.

The stressed one, the one that screams, “Please, I love you, but behave.”

Minho really doesn’t like being the cause of it.

So he’s trying his best.

—

But sometimes his best just isn't quite good enough.

Minho is… out to his members. Has been, for a good while, even though he still isn’t quite comfortable with it. It hasn’t… really been his choice? Well, it was… or was it? It was. Yeah… well kind of.

One day, many, many months ago, in their old shared dorm, Chan found him huddled in the corner of the kitchen, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a breakdown, because fuck, “I think I’m gay, Hyung. Hyung, I’m so sorry, I think I’m gay, what do I do?”

Chan, because he is the best human to ever exist - and no Minho will never tell him that to his face - just held him close, despite the late hour and reassured him that everything would be okay, that there was nothing wrong with him.

And Minho believed him.

Depended on him.

Shared looks with him.

Shared his problems with him.

He trusted Chan so much and he believed him.

So when Chan, months later, told him that he should just come out to the members, because Chan was tired of keeping his secret - with a laugh, sure, but with the typical bags under his eyes and a hint of that pinched look -, Minho heard those voices again.

The voices that told him that his feelings, his problems were secondary. Were unimportant. And seeing them, be a burden on Chan, he felt that overwhelming shame again. The same shame, he felt way back during the survival show, when he had cried after his elimination and had seen the shock and hurt in the kids’ faces.

Chan had hugged him back then as well.

Chan had fought for him back then.

The least, the fucking least he could do, was not add to the stress his hyung was under.

So that night, he did it.

He came out to his members.

He wasn't even out to his parents.

They all reassured him that it was fine.

Of course, they did.

That it didn't change anything.

That they still loved him.

Chan smiled at him, proud and less tense and Minho… Minho had to excuse himself to be sick in the bathroom.

He let the shower run, made a joke about nervous sweat later and told nobody that he had a panic attack in bed that night and cried himself to sleep.

He stopped going to Chan after.

Even when Chan started to complain that he never did. Even when everyone teased him about his stubborn independence.

Because he was independent.

And he was fine.

Chan didn't need to worry.

Not about him.

—

Stay keep telling him that he’s cold. Mean. Keep asking what the others see in him. Why he's with them. Why he's still there.

Why he was asked back.

He doesn't let it get to him.

His members want him around, that’s enough. The way he is now, independent and dependable and even weird, his members want him.

He fakes smiles, finishes lives, he doesn't let it get to him.

He doesn't.

He’s fine.

—

Changbin corners him, the night after Jisung's request, fuming. And for the first time, Minho is genuinely a little scared of his muscled body.

“Jisung is miserable”, he says, as if Minho doesn’t know. “He thinks there's something wrong with him,” he adds, as if Minho doesn’t know. “Why the fuck would you deny him that? It's not a big deal, is it? Just suck it up and help him. Stop being fucking shallow.”

And really, punching Minho would have hurt less.

He feels his breath hitch at the mere thought that he would deny his favourite person, in the whole wide world, help, simply because he wasn’t physically attracted to him. That Changbin would believe that about him. That he doesn’t know him better. Feels his heart hammer in his chest when Changbin leaves, muttering curses under his breath. Bites his lip raw at the thought of having disappointed not one friend, but two and maybe three, because chances are, if Changbin knows, then so does Chan.

But Chan wouldn’t push him into this… right? He would know, surely, he would know that Minho has a reason for denying Jisung help. Surely, he…

Then again.

He pushed Minho into coming out.

And Jisung has always been his favourite.

And Minho is just…

Well.

Minho is once again being a bad hyung and a bad second in command.

Once again he's failing them.

He stands there, face pale, chest burning with shame and remembers… his feelings, his problems, they don't matter.

He finally moves and makes his way towards the other dorm.

—

He doesn't remember the kiss.

His thoughts are too busy assaulting him with too much input about everything else. How scratchy Jisung's sheets suddenly feel under his hands. The sound of Hyunjin in his room, talking on the phone. How cold he suddenly feels. The butterflies in his stomach when Jisung leans back with a small smile on his lips - when he sighs, almost in relief. The outside noise. How much he wants to run away and hide. How much he wants to press himself into his closet and close his eyes and disappear into nothing.

His thoughts are fuzzy and he sits on his hands to stop the shaking.

This isn't about him.

This is about Jisung.

Jisung is important.

Minho just has to… suck it up.

“So?” His voice breaks a little, nerves. Just nerves, surely. “D-did it help?”

Jisung opens his eyes and his smile is blinding. Minho feels in awe and nauseous at the same time. “I… I think so, yeah… definitely not completely straight,” he chuckles and Minho’s heart gives a feeble little jump. And then, barely audible enough for Minho to hear, he mumbles, “Now, how to confess…”

But Minho does hear it.

And the butterflies in his stomach turn into an angry swarm of wasps.

Right.

Jisung has someone he likes.

Of course, he has.

And being Jisung, his feelings will most certainly be reciprocated.

Because who in their right mind wouldn't love him?

Everybody adores him.

So soon, Jisung will have a boyfriend.

Which is…

good. Great even.

Minho just wants him to be happy.

That is all that matters. Not Minho's feelings.

Never Minho's feelings. They aren't important, Jisung is impor-

—

Nobody knows about his feelings for Jisung.

He's only out to his parents in the theoretical sense. He doesn’t know how to talk to them about boys. He doesn’t know if they’d let him.

He’s only vaguely out to his friends.

And it wouldn't be fair, to make the members lie to Jisung as he does.

He doesn't talk about it.

With anyone.

—

“Hyung?”

He feels like he’s drowning.

“Lino-hyung?”

He’s so fucking scared.

“-yung! Hyung, what's wrong?” Lead by Jisung’s frantic voice, the sounds around him come crashing back like a tidal wave.

And…

fuck.

He's crying.

“Lino-hyung,” Jisung grabs his face and looks at him with wide, concerned eyes.

Minho is crying.

In front of Jisung.

He's crying and he can't stop and he's worrying him.

This isn't about Minho! Why can't he finally accept that nothing is about-

“Hyung!” Hair is being pushed out of his face and Jisung’s eyes are wounded and he feels like he’s drowning. “Please tell me what's wrong. Was… was I that bad? Or are you… grossed out, or-”

“I love you.”

Minho's voice sounds foreign to his own ears. Thick, muffled, alien.

“I'm sorry, I love you. That's why I didn't want to… I knew it would hurt and I was sc…” He's sobbing, curling into himself, his arms like a vice around his stomach and he can't stop crying. For fuck's sake, suck it up! “But that doesn't matter! What matters is that you're happy. I just want you to be happy, please believe me, I'm so sorry, it's just… I think I'll need some space and-”

Jisung's eyes go huge. “S-space, why, I-”

“Because! Because you want to confess and whoever it is will definitely say yes and you will get a boyfriend and I will… I will be happy for you, I swear, but I just-”

“Hyung, you!” Jisung’s voice is loud. Loud enough to drown out the rest, his hands anchoring Minho's face, pushing it up to meet his eyes. “It's you. I was… I was going to confess to you.”

The sudden silence is deafening.

Minho can't talk, can't think, can't even blink. All he can do is stare at his soulmate. His beautiful, incredible soulmate.

Who… loves him back?

“What?” The last time his voice was so small was during the elimination.

“Hyung, of course, it’s you I love, who else would it be?”

And Minho crumbles apart, breaks down into loud, desperate sobs, his body simultaneously as heavy as a building and so shaky that he’s scared of floating away.

Ever since he came out, he has been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ever since he came out, Jisung’s surprised and almost calculating eyes have been haunting him.

Ever since he came out, he has been waiting for Jisung to pull away.

To stop cuddling him, stop teasing him, stop touching him.

He has been waiting for the day Jisung realised what it means. Realise what it means specifically concerning him.

But he never did. And here and now, Jisung only pulls him closer, closer, closer, until Minho is all but sitting in his lap, holding him tightly, holding him together. He lets him cry, without any questions, without judgement, only strokes his back, presses kisses into his hair and holds him close.

It takes entirely too long for him to calm down.

But Jisung doesn’t complain.

He just kisses his temple and passes him a tissue and hugs Minho, when he isn’t ready to talk, scared that it will set him off again.

And then, when Minho’s breathing has returned to a somewhat normal pace, he whispers, “I love you, Hyung,” and Minho is finally able to exhale, melting into his arms, weightless.

He shuts down.

He falls asleep.

—

He dreams of coming back to the others.

And being too scared to hug anyone, until JYP was gone and Kim Seungmin pulled him further into the room.

He dreams of Jisung hugging Felix.

Not Minho.

And he feels selfish.

—

He wakes up, still in Jisung’s arms.

Jisung, who's watching something on his phone, volume turned down, considerate.

Minho can’t hear any sounds outside the room.

He wonders if Jisung asked the others to leave.

“I love you,” he whispers, finally able to say it without being scared that it will be misunderstood. Or, worse, understood the right way. “I love you, Jisung-ah.” Who’s he kidding? He’s still terrified.

“Morning, Hyung.” There’s a smile in Jisung’s voice and he sets his phone down. “I love you, too. How are you feeling?” 

Minho hums in thought. “Head hurts,” he mumbles, eyes dry and puffy. He hides his face in Jisung’s neck and sighs when he feels fingers massaging his temple. “I’m fine, though.”

Jisung’s fingers don’t stop, his other hand gently petting Minho’s back. “Can we… Hyung, can we talk about what happened?” He must feel Minho tense up because his hold tightens a little. “Doesn’t need to be now. I just meant in general.”

Minho sighs again, deeply this time and anxious. Always so anxious. “We should, right?”

“We should,” Jisung agrees. “But it can wait.”

“What…” Minho hesitates, too afraid to look up. “What do you want to know?”

“Hyung… why did you agree to kiss me? If you were this scared?”

Minho’s stomach drops when he thinks back to the confrontation with Changbin. He doesn’t fault him… not really. Changbin is protective. Minho is just… sad. About the way Changbin sees him. He doesn’t know why he has this impression of Minho, but he must have done something in the past. He will have to work on that. He will-

“Lino-hyung?”

Right.

“Sorry,” he breathes, unsure how to continue. “I… I knew you were overthinking things. I didn’t want you to feel bad.”

“Hyung,” Jisung’s voice sounds disapproving and Minho has to actively keep his body from recoiling. “You can’t put my feelings above yours. I was hurt, yeah, but I would have never forced you into this.”

“You didn’t force me,” he mumbles, shivering a little, tired.

“Hyung,” Jisung hesitates this time, “d-did someone say something to you?” And Minho… doesn’t want to answer. Changbin wasn’t being mean or anything and he doesn’t want Jisung to be angry at him for no reason. He shakes his head against Jisung’s shoulder but Jisung only sighs. “Hyung, it was Binnie-hyung, wasn’t it? I did kind of cry to him about it all.”

Minho winces. “I’m sorry.”

Jisung’s “No” is firm. “Don’t be sorry. We were both hurting. It’s a little embarrassing, he told on me, though.” This sigh sounds mostly exasperated.

Minho shakes his head again. “He was just looking out for you.” He doesn’t mean for his voice to come out sad. But he still feels hurt. Still feels… “Lee Know is always so mean”, “Lee Know is heartless”, “Lee Know is so cold, why do they like him?”, “Lee Know doesn’t belong” - his heart squeezes and a couple more tears escape.

Don't be shallow. Tired of keeping your secrets. You hurt him. You never ask me for help anymore. I think, I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay.

Act your age!

Suck it up! Suck it up! Suck it u-

“Hyung, hey,” Jisung is worried again.

He feels sluggish. Empty. “Sorry.”

Why does Jisung like him?

“Lino-hyung, what did Changbin say to you?” He shakes his head, but Jisung nudges him away a little and Minho wilts under his eyes. “Please, Hyung. I know it’s bothering you.”

Minho sighs and moves a little further away. Jisung doesn’t let him go too far, though. “He called me shallow,” he whispers, quietly. So quiet that Jisung doesn’t hear him and makes a questioning noise. “He thought I was being shallow,” he repeats, a fraction louder.

Jisung, underneath him, goes rigid. “That… moron,” he seethes, but when he makes a move to stand up, Minho ragdolls on top of him. “Hyung, I need to go kick his ass.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Jisungie,” Minho huffs.

“Hyung, you know he didn’t mean it, right?” When Minho stays silent, Jisung pulls him close again. “Bin-hyung was angry, thought he needed to protect me. But he loves you, you know that… right?” He sounds sad now and Minho really doesn’t want him to be sad again.

“I know,” he says, even if his breath hitches a little. He knows Changbin likes him. Usually. Most days. Suck it up! It's a little hard to breathe. Changbin is one of his best friends… why does he think so badly of him?

What did Minho do?

“Hyung…”

“I-I don’t know, Jisungie. I… I just-” he huffs, tired of crying, but unable to stop anyway. “It just… I must have done something to make him think-”

“You didn’t,” Jisung protests, pressing a firm kiss to his temple. “Trust me. Bin-hyung was just being an idiot. He said things in anger, I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”

“I…” Minho sighs. “Okay.”

“You don’t believe me,” Jisung whispers, but he doesn’t sound disappointed, just factual. He pulls Minho as close as possible, really squeezes him together. It’s more comfortable than it realistically should be. “That’s okay,” he says, a ridiculously gentle smile on his lips. “We will just have to prove it to you. I think it’s time that we take care of you for a while, Hyung.”

“But-” Minho’s heart starts to hammer. That… no. He is the older one. He is supposed to take care of the kids, he’s the hyung, he’s Chan’s second in command, he has to act his age, it's his position now, his responsibility. “No, Jisung-ah, I’m fine, I-”

“Lino-hyung,” Jisung cradles his pale face between his hands. “You take care of us so well,” he says, gentle and firm. “You do. But sometimes even Hyungs need some care. You take care of Chan-hyung, do you not?”

“But that’s…” His job. His position. His duty. Don’t add to Chan’s stress, behave and be helpful. “I have to-”

“Hyung, I love you.” Minho blinks. “You love me, right?” He nods without hesitation. And Jisung smiles. “And you want to take care of me, right?” He nods again. “Well, I want to take care of you, too. Because I love you. So do the others. So does Channie-hyung and-” He stops when Minho’s face falls and he tenses up again. Minho lets out a shuddering breath and tries to dislodge himself. “Hyung? What’s wrong?”

He feels sick.

He feels sick and he can’t breathe again and it’s been so long since he’s had a proper panic attack but he knows it's coming, felt it building up more and more. And it sucks, because why is he still living through that moment when it wasn’t even bad! They all accepted him with open arms, they still accept him with open arms - Suck it up! - and-

And he knows Channie loves him.

But he can’t help but feel, that Channie loves him more now… now that he’s fine. Now that he doesn’t come to him with his problems anymore, now that Chan doesn’t have to worry about him anymore.

Now that he doesn’t need to keep his secrets anymore.

Chan can’t take care of him again, no no no.

He’s fine.

Chan has enough to do.

Minho can't be another one of his problems and-

There’s a hand on his chest, that isn’t Jisung’s.

He knows this because Jisung’s hands are still cradling his face.

His hand is on someone’s chest and it isn’t Jisung’s.

He knows this because he’s still mostly lying on top of Jisung.

Someone is talking. The chest underneath his hand rises and falls in a steady rhythm. He knows this voice. He’s scared of this voice. Scared of what it will say. Scared of what it won’t say. “Minho-yah. Breathe, it’s okay.”

It’s not okay.

Minho is not okay.

He’s not fine.

He needs to be fine.

“Minho-yah, I’m here. We’re here, we aren’t going anywhere.”

“Hyung,” Minho’s own voice sounds wrecked, but it comes out, it’s accompanied by air and Chan pulls him into the tightest hug, he has ever received. “I’m so sorry, Hyung. Please don’t worry, please, I’m okay, I really am, I-”

Chan shushes him gently, cradles his head, sandwiching him between himself and Jisung and for a moment Minho just tries to breathe, to calm down.

The sooner he does, the sooner Chan can leave.

The sooner he can go back to actually important things.

But even when he starts breathing well again, Chan keeps holding him. Chan doesn't say anything when Jisung continues to press kisses into his hair. Chan breathes with him.

Calm.

Safe.

Always safe.

Always right.

Even back then… even right back then. Surely.

Minho doesn't know what to think.

He's unsure if the tears are grief, the headache or tiredness. If they are warmth from the embrace, even if the embrace feels like a thousand tiny pin pricks, a fire, slowly licking at his skin. His breathing is shuddered and gasping. His sobs quiet and quaking.

He wants to disappear.

He wants everything to be some fucked up, scary nightmare.

He wants to wake up and not be so goddamn weak.

He wonders and wonders and wonders why they are so nice to him. When he keeps failing them. When he can't do his job well. When he's so fucking useless.

They should have never let him back into the band.

—

When he wakes up that night, he’s still sandwiched between Jisung and Chan. Somehow the three of them are squished together on the bed. It’s hot. But he doesn’t want to move. Doesn’t want them to wake up.

Doesn’t want them to leave.

He exhales shakily and Jisung shifts behind him. A sleepy kiss is pressed to the back of his neck and Minho melts into a puddle. “Hyung-ah,” Jisung mumbles, hugging him close. Chan starts to stir as well and Minho is squished a little. He swallows down more tears, sighing.

“Hey, Minho-yah.” He hums in answer, throat rough. “Two choices,” he gets out through a yawn, eyes gentle. “Family meeting immediately, or you and me talk first. Maybe with Hannie, if you prefer.” Minho’s heart instantly drops. “It’s nothing bad,” Chan quickly reassures, moving back to look into his eyes. “I just want to help.”

Minho’s eyes remain huge and he has to swallow.

“P-please don’t make…” He stops. Make him what? He’s already out. Don’t make Jisung come out? Don’t make it a big deal? Don’t worry?

Chan frowns. “Don’t what?”

Jisung’s hand starts to rub over his chest, but Minho is suddenly too anxious to remain in bed. He springs up and starts to pace. “Hyung. This was a fluke. I’m fine. Seriously, I’m-”

“I’m not.” Jisung’s voice stops him in his tracks. He shrugs. “I’m worried. About your reaction to the kiss, your reaction to Chan-hyung… your reaction when you came out…”

Minho wants to run.

“What are you talking about?” He asks faintly and Jisung sighs.

“Hyung…” He sits up and pulls Minho to stand between his legs, holding his hands tightly. “After you came out to us… you left the room. And I… I followed you. Because you seemed a little off. And I heard you in the bathroom. The… the water pressure in the old dorm was never that good and therefore not really loud.” He shrugs again, while Minho’s shoulders slump.

“Oh.”

Chan’s frown deepens. “Why did you never say anything?”

“It wasn’t really my place to say anything? Hyung clearly didn’t want anyone to know, so I just tried to make sure that he was okay after.”

“Minho, why did you-”

“Nervous,” he quickly interrupts. “I was just nervous, I g-guess. I was just-” He can’t look at either of them, so he just stares down at his hands in Jisung’s.

Chan sighs and he sounds disappointed and Minho wants to run. “Please don’t lie to us?” His voice remains soft and gentle and it makes Minho sick.

“I’m not…” He doesn’t even sound convincing to himself.

“Lino-hyung-”

“I wasn’t ready, okay? I… It was a lot. And I wasn’t ready. I was s-scared and I wasn’t even out to my parents and I… I just wasn’t… ready.”

He still can’t look at them, but he sees Chan shift. “Then why did you…”

“Because… you told me to. To tell them.” Chan’s shifting stops. “You said you’re tired… tired of keeping my secret.” His voice is barely a whisper. He doesn’t mean to sound accusatory and he doesn’t think he does, but his voice sounds choked-up and his hands in Jisung’s are shaking. “So I did.” He shrugs.

“Oh… Minho-yah.” Chan’s voice sounds almost equally wrecked. “Oh god, Minho-yah.” He doesn’t want to look up, but his head moves on its own and he tenses when he sees tears running down Chan’s cheeks. And then he’s being pulled into a hug again.

This one hurts.

Chan’s single sob hurts.

Because he’s not supposed to stress Chan out.

Making him cry, is probably a part of that.

“I never meant-” Chan breaks off with another shaky whimper. “I never meant for you to- God, I’m so fucking sorry, Minho, I never wanted you… I didn’t mean it like that. I never would have-” He’s shaking his head, hands fisted into Minho’s hoodie. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“But-”

“Minho.” Leaning away, Chan grabs his face and stares right into his eyes. “I fucked up. And I am so sorry. But please, never, never think that I am bothered by your problems or secrets. I’m here for you. Always. I was being stupid, I was joking and it was a stupid fucking joke and I am so sorry.”

“Hyung, no-”

“Yes.” Chan shakes his head and presses a hard kiss to his forehead. Minho blinks in surprise. “This was my mistake and it was a huge fucking mistake and I am so fucking sorry. No matter what anyone says to you, me included, I will always fight for you, always help you, with whatever you need. I need you to know that.”

Minho can only blink at him, tired. Exhausted, really. It’s been a long couple of hours.

Chan sighs and pulls him into a last hug. “It’s still early. Sleep some more and find me later. We will talk about this. Bring Hannie, if you need.” He takes a step back, but before he turns to leave, he fixes Minho with another look. “I love you, yeah? No matter what. Without problems and with problems, no matter what, okay?”

Minho wants to nod. Doesn’t want to make Chan leave, without at least some reassurance. But he can’t bring himself to. Instead, he pulls his lips into his mouth and shrugs helplessly. Chan only smiles a little sadly and leaves with a last kiss to his hair.

Minho remains frozen until Jisung pulls him down into the bed again. He throws the blanket over them both and lies down right on top of Minho, weighing him down into the mattress. It makes him relax a little.

“Hyung,” Jisung’s voice is faint and Minho feels a little bit of wetness on his neck. Thank god, they don’t have any photoshoots in the next few days, because the make-up noonas would have killed them. “I know everything is hard to believe right now, but Chan isn’t lying. Yes, you’re an important help to him, but that doesn’t mean that any of your worries are adding to his stress.”

Oh. “Said that out loud, did I?” Minho sighs and allows himself to hug Jisung close, who happily snuggles in.

“You’ve been kind of out of it.”

“Sor-”

“Nope.” Jisung leans up to peck his lips. “Not why I said it.”

“Right.”

“How’s your head?”

Minho blinks and another quick kiss is pressed to his lips. His blinking just increases. “A bit of a mess, honestly.”

“Understandable.”

“Jisungie?”

“Yeah, hyung?”

“C-can you kiss me again?” His voice is barely a whisper. But Jisung just smiles at him brilliantly and kisses him.

He remembers this kiss.

Remembers how soft it is. The way Jisung sighs into his mouth, his fingers oh so gently running through his hair. Remembers their hearts beating in sync, remembers how warm he feels. Remembers that this isn't a dream anymore. That Jisung is here, in his arms, pressed close. Remembers Jisung kissing his nose, his cheeks, his forehead. Then his lips again. And again.

He will forever remember this kiss.

—

He takes Jisung to his talk with Chan.

Can feel his hand in his, steady this time. But still just as grounding.

The talk isn’t an immediate solution.

Minho remains mostly quiet and nods at the appropriate moments, but he also knows that Chan isn’t done with him yet. Isn’t done ‘making this right’, even though Minho is still confused about his guilt.

He knows Chan was only trying his best.

Chan is always trying and doing his best.

And most of the time, he succeeds.

Minho, meanwhile… well.

—

Dance practice that day goes okay. The others throw them some worried glances, no doubt questioning why the three of them look as exhausted as they do. But they are all focused on the choreography and Minho makes sure to joke around as much as he typically does. If Jisung remains glued to his side a little more than usual, well nobody really notices.

Except maybe Changbin.

Who looks relieved and incredibly down at the same time.

Jisung thankfully isn’t glaring at him and doesn’t seem ready to throw hands anymore. He may cling to Minho a tiny bit more, whenever Changbin looks in their direction, though.

Changbin corners Minho again, right at the end of practice.

His body locks up a little, but he waves Jisung away when he sees him hover. For a moment, they just stare at each other until Minho sighs.

“I helped,” he whispers, shouldering his bag and trying to step around Bin, but he’s held back.

“Hyung…” Changbin looks almost as tired as Minho feels. “About what I said-”

“It’s fine,” Minho quickly says, shrugging. “We’re fine.”

“Hyung, no, I-”

“Seriously, Binnie.” His skin is crawling. He doesn’t… he doesn’t really feel like listening, like talking, so he pulls up a smile. “Jisung and I are fine. You and I are… fine. It’s fine.” He doesn’t mean to falter, but his heart still aches a little.

Shallow.

That’s what he is to Changbin. Shallow… and selfish.

He will just have to prove him wrong, from now on.

“Minho-hyung,” Changbin looks crestfallen and Minho just squeezes his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, seriously. You’ll get wrinkles,” he jokes. Tries to, anyway, but Changbin doesn’t crack a smile. “We’re-”

“Fine,” Bin finishes for him, his shoulders slumping. “We will be,” he says, a determined look in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he quickly adds. “I really am. And I will make it up to you.”

Minho sighs. “You don’t ha-”

“I do,” Changbin interrupts and returns the shoulder squeeze. “We will be fine.”

Hesitating, Minho feels himself relax a little when he sees Jisung’s head poke into the studio. “Okay,” he says softly.

“Okay.” Changbin cracks a small hopeful smile.

Minho returns it.

—

Jisung, more or less, moves into his room for a while.

He says it's mainly to help him. That he sleeps better with Minho around him.

Minho knows that he only says that to make Minho feel useful and not demanding, but he’s too tired to complain.

He sleeps better with Jisung around, as well, after all.

They don’t tell the others for a good few weeks. About their relationship update.

And before they do, they have a long talk, with Jisung repeatedly assuring him, that they don’t have to say anything if Minho doesn’t feel ready. And even more emphatically assuring him that Jisung himself is ready and doesn’t feel pressured at all. “I’d rather they know, actually, that you’re mine. Can’t have all of them kiss you willy-nilly, like Chan did. The audacity of that man!”

He’s joking and Minho giggles and presses a kiss to his lips.

He reminds Jisung that they all probably know anyway. That they aren’t being subtle, exactly.

But he is thankful for the assurance. For the choice.

Most of all, he is thankful for Jisung.

And with time, he will be thankful for everything else again.