Work Text:
N: Hey Clint, you love me right?
C: what did you do this time
C: also my WIFE is lying RIGHT NEXT TO ME could you maybe not say things that imply were in a romantic relationship okay i get enough shit from shield im not cheating on my wife
N: Laura loves me too. Hi Laura!!! :D :D
C: ok fine laura says hi back what did you do
N: I was wondering if maaaaybe u could stop by and help me with a thing?
C: NAT i am in OHIO it is 11 AT NIGHT
N: Yeah me too. I'm ~45 min south of you. Secret mission for the pirate captain and all
C: nat what did you do
N: Well I’m sitting in a crappy hotel bathroom and there’s blood all over my clothes
N: also I’m hungry and it’s cold
C: are you ok
N: I am bleeding out of a hole in my body
C: shit nat yeah ill be right there
C: how bad is it
N: ???? idk
C: HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW BAD IT IS
N: idk
C: NAT YOU ARE A TRAINED ASSASSIN
C: NAT
C: ok fine um how much blood is there how long have you been bleeding
C: what happened
N: Well I was trapped in a basement with no food and water for a week, and I just escaped. So there’s that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
C: how do you even do those faces
N: Black magic (∩ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)⊃━☆ﾟ
C: HOW DO YOU nevermind you said you were bleeding
N: Yeah it’s about the normal amount of blood, but it’s been three days so ✧*。ヾ(｡>﹏<｡)ﾉﾞ✧*。
C: SHIT NAT I AM COMING OVER RIGHT NOW WHAT DO YOU NEED ILL BRING THE FIRST AID KIT
N: Ok thanks (●♡∀♡)
N: Could you bring food too? I haven’t eaten in a week and I’m starving
N: I’m good on water I can reach the sink from the toilet
N: That’s probably really unhygienic
N: Clint if I die of some sort of bacteria from this water, promise to make Stark sue the hotel
N: Oh yeah could you bring tampons???
C: yeah sure okay nat wow wait where are you
N: idk I was in a basement for a week, and I just broke into this hotel room (sidenote: not sure when the cleaning people are going to be here, so please hurry)
C: nat you are bleeding of course I’m hurrying but WHERE ARE YOU
N: I don’t know! Just use your big brother tracky app thingy to find me
C: big brother tracky app thingy
C; if the nerd geeks at shield heard you say that theyd have a fit
N: They monitor all my stuff on this phone. Why do you think I say things like that?
C: yeah okay im going now dont die
N: It’s nowhere near THAT serious
N: No, Clint stop worrying so much. It’s rly not that big a deal
N: Clint? You there?
N: Wow I actually feel kinda bad about this. What have you done to me???
N: Ew Clint there’s a bug in this bathroom
N: I can’t reach it with my foot
N: It’s just sitting there mocking me with its tiny little antennae
N: I am so bored, when are you getting here?
N: SHIT I THINK I HEARD THE CLEANING PEOPLE
N: False alarm, the couple next door are just having sex
N: WOW that is REALLY LOUD
N: How did I mistake that for cleaning people?
N: oh god why do I have to listen to this
N: Clint help
N: CLEANING PEOPLE! CLEANING PEOPLE!!!!
N: Wait, no that's you. Hi Clint
Ten Minutes Later:
C: I am coming home now.
L: What, already? Is Tasha okay? What’s going on?
C: Natasha is fine.
L: …why are you texting like that?
C: Why am I texting like what?
L: With proper punctuation and capital letters and everything
C: Maybe I want to.
L: Honey you’re scaring me. What’s wrong with Nat?
C: There is nothing wrong with Nat.
L: Then… why did you freak out and drive all the way down there?
C: I thought there was something wrong with Nat.
L: …but there’s not???
C: She is perfectly fine and uninjured.
L: um she said she was kidnapped?????
C: Yes, she was kidnapped, but she is fine now in her stolen hotel room. This entire thing was an elaborate ruse to get me to buy her tampons.
…
C: You’re laughing at me aren’t you?
L: no
C: you are! you’re totally laughing your head off at me!!!
L: why would I ever do that???
C: LAURA NO THIS ISN’T FUNNY YOURE SUPPOSED TO ME ON MY SIDE IT’S LIKE ONE IN THE MORNING NO
C: LAURA STOP YOU’RE ENCOURAGING HER