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“Mahariel, you’re… not unattractive,” Alistair said.
“Okay.”
“Alright, that sounded weird,” he stammered. “I meant. I’m assuming you’ve… Do the Dalish court each other?”
Mahariel stared up at him. “What.”
“Aaaand I keep making it weirder.”
“How about you speak plainly to me, shemlen, instead of trying to tiptoe around what you want to say,” Mahariel said sourly. “Just a warning, though: I don’t actually care.”
“That… actually makes this easier, I think,” Alistair said. “I was just… wondering… if you. Have a lot of experience. With women, I mean.”
“Experience.”
“Ugh. Romantic experience.”
Mahariel grimaced. “Mythal’enaste! Why are you asking me this?”
“I don’t even know anymore let’s just forget this ever happened.”
“No. No! Wait. I. Wait.” At this point he had grabbed a firm hold of Alistair’s elbow, so he didn’t have much choice. “Ir abelas. I didn’t mean to… embarrass you.”
“Yes, it was very cruel. I do a fine job embarrassing myself on my own. I don’t need handouts.”
Mahariel snickered, shaking his head and letting go of Alistair’s arm. “So it would seem. But, ah. What would you… like to discuss?”
Alistair hid his face in his hands, groaning. After a moment, Mahariel gave him an awkward pat on the back. “There, there. Pull yourself together.”
“I just,” Alistair started. His words kept catching in his throat, his face burning with embarrassment and frustration. “I keep wanting to… Well, you know Tabris, yeah?”
“I am aware that she exists, yes.”
“Fantastic. I really want to… you know.” He stood up, pacing. “But I have no idea what I’m doing!”
“Wait, so you’ve never…” Mahariel started before seeming to remember that he wasn’t supposed to care.
“Maker’s breath,” Alistair said. “I give up. This was a terrible idea. Sorry for… just, all of this.”
“Elgar’nan,” Mahariel sighed. “Sit down, Alistair.”
Ah, it was Alistair now! Not shemlen. Upgrade! It was probably the satisfaction of hearing his actual name that let him make the terrible decision to sit next to Mahariel.
The elf stared into the fire for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. “Alright. This would be easier if more of my clanmates were here.”
“Really? Multiple people laughing at me would make this easier?”
Mahariel gave him a scathing look. “Many hands make light work, shemlen. This is the sort of… problem… that is best looked at from many points of view.”
He shrugged and shook his head. “But, you came to me, so I will still try to help.”
“Thank you.”
“Sathem. Okay, just so you know -- I do have experience, but I… never had much interest in sex. So I can only get you so far, I’m afraid.”
“What, really?” Alistair asked. “You aren’t interested in, uh, sex?”
“Not really, no.”
“But you’ve… done it before?”
“Yes.” Mahariel had a look of exaggerated patience on his face, but Alistair was still too confused to let it lie.
“Did you not do it right? Everybody says it’s, you know. A big deal?”
“The other people seemed to think I did alright,” Mahariel said dryly. “The elvhen word for what I am is tel’pal’isalathe. I just… sex isn’t that interesting or important to me.”
“There’s a whole word for it?”
“Fenhedis, Alistair -- yes, there’s a whole word for it. Want to know another word? Tel’tath’mes. It means a man who’s never fucked anybody in his life. Do you want my help or not?”
“Yes,” Alistair said meekly. “Sorry.”
“Lanastan'na. Alright, so you… want to court Tabris,” Mahariel said. “I want to let you know ahead of time that I disapprove, and you should keep your filthy human paws to yourself. But that is neither here nor there.”
“Thanks.”
“Firstly, you need to get her a gift,” Mahariel said. “A token of your affection.”
Alistair’s mind went to the rose in his pack. “I understand.”
“Make your intentions clear and honest,” Mahariel continued. “Be forthright! And if she doesn’t return your interest, bow out gracefully. If I find out you tried to press the issue, I will kill you.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” Alistair assured him.
“We shall see,” Mahariel said dourly. “Beyond that, you need to understand that a relationship is built on trust, respect, and friendship. If you lack these things, the relationship will die.”
Alistair considered this for a long moment, finally giving Mahariel a shy glance. “Have you ever been in love?”
Mahariel grimaced. “Have you?”
“No. Not until… no, I haven’t.”
“Pfah. You barely know her,” Mahariel said, waving a dismissive hand. “You see a pretty elf girl and you want her.”
Alistair bristled. “It’s not like that! She deserves better than that!”
“Do you even know her first name?”
“Yes.”
“What is it?”
“It’s -- wait, do you know her name?” Alistair asked.
“Yes!” Mahariel lied, averting his gaze.
“Maker’s breath! You don’t even know her name!”
“Shut up!”
“We’ve been traveling together for a month!”
With that, Mahariel shoved him off the log they were sitting on, laughing when Alistair crashed to the ground.