Work Text:
Lucy rounded the corner of a corridor in the precinct, knowing that it was one that her - now – ex boyfriend was unlikely to suddenly appear in and sighed in relief when she found he wasn’t strolling towards her. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep this game of Pac-Man up. First day back, after a week off sick, all because Tim had left her reeling in the station car park. She felt like she’d done nothing but dodge places he was likely to be, pray that he wouldn’t suddenly appear in front of her or, even worse, look at her. She was sure if he did she would crumble and she WOULDN’T fucking cry. She just wouldn’t.
Tim had sent messages to her that first day she’d called in sick. Messages of concern. Messages that went unanswered. Messages that went unread. Messages that in the end she’d crushed under her foot because she didn’t want him encroaching into her darkened cocoon of duvet misery. A duvet the smelled of him. Pillows that had slightly darkened marks from his hair gel. Sheets that had a stain on them that they’d tried to clean up but agreed they’d just change the sheets in the morning. They hadn’t and then he disappeared for 36 hours and stopped being hers.
She opened up an old interrogation room, barely used and smelling musty. She pulled an apple out of her pocket and sat down at the table. This is what it had come to. Trying to choke down something to eat – she really hadn’t been able to stomach much in the last week and an apple was all about she felt she could manage. She took a bite and chewed slowly and then rested her head against the cool laminate of the table top. She gripped the metal cuff rail that ran down the centre of it and squeezed until her nails dug crescents in her palm, as white noise rushed in her ears. She didn’t even register the sound of the door handle being pulled or the draft as the door opened.
“Lucy?....”
Oh fuck no. No. no. no. She wasn’t ready, she wasn’t. She really, really wasn’t. She didn’t lift her head.
“Lucy. I saw….” His voice continued and she could hear the hesitation in it.
“DON’T!” Lucy heard a voice ring out sharper than she thought it would. “I’m in here alone for a reason.”
“I know, I know. I just …. Lucy you didn’t answer any of my messages and I have to know you’re OK.” Tim continued. “I know you probably feel I don’t have the right to ask you anything right now but … “
“Go away. Please just recognise that I can’t do this.” She thought she sounded quite firm and composed and surprised herself. She lifted her head from the table and threw her part eaten apple viciously across the interrogation room and into the bin in the corner. “You put me off the first thing I’ve felt like eating today.”
“You must make sure you’re looking after yourself, Lucy. You’ve been off sick and you need to eat. Especially with our job being …” he stumbled over his words and stopped as she turned her tired, bagged, brown eyes to him.
“You break my heart and the first thing out of your lying mouth is dietary advice? Are you for real?”
“No! Oh God this is all going wrong … No Lucy! No. I mean I want to know you’re OK. I NEED to know you’re OK.” Lucy watched his lips stumble over his words and it was the first time she allowed herself to look at his face. He looked aged. He looked like he hadn’t shaved for a couple of days. He looked … well he looked as broken as she knows she does. Good! Fucking good! He deserves it. Did he think things would just return to normal? That she’d be OK with being dumped in their car park, rejected after all his promises and then left to return to their room (Her room) alone to fail at attempting to piece together the whys of what had just happened in the uncertain currents he had left her to swim in.
“Throw me a lifeline, Tim. Why are you here? You need to check that you’ve damaged me enough to make you feel sufficiently guilty? Just one more log on your pyre of self destruction? Save it for your fucking I.A mandated work therapy sessions. I don’t need it,” She heard herself spit back at him. “You want to know what hurts me the most about all of this? You really want me to tell you? Really make sure you know exactly what you’ve done?” Tim had quietly closed the door to, as he turned towards her, holding his hand out. “NO. NO! You, YOU don’t get to offer me a hand to hold on to. You snatched that away. DON’T fucking come near me.”
Well this is going well Lucy! She could actually hear her inner voice laughing at her. Dignity right out of the fucking window then. God the tears were falling now and she snatched at them with the back of her palm. Stop being so fucking weak. Pull yourself together!! Don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he’s broken you. But as much as you hate to admit it, you know that’s the last thing he would really want to do. Her inner monologue fighting with the words of vitriol she wanted to pour at him. Vitriol won. Intimacy and affection for him frozen until she could get past the initial pounding of anger she felt for him in that moment. God she wanted to say something to make him feel as bereft as she did … and it was pouring out of her mouth before she could stop it ….
“You know what really breaks me about this whole situation?” She watched Tim’s tear-filled eyes, as he shook his head. “It’s something I remember someone saying to me once. That you and I were obviously end game and everyone but us could see it. They told me they couldn’t wait for that day when we finally pulled our heads out of our asses and realised. They told me it would knock my World off its axis and that they couldn’t wait to witness it. Want to know who that was?” Tim nodded dumbly. “ Jackson. It was Jackson a couple of days before he died. I hate that you’ve destroyed that wish for him, even if he’s not here. How fucking dare you,“ she sounded animalistic. “You’ve destroyed it without even giving me an actual reason for it. I have so little of him left,” She spat.
Lucy heard Tim’s sobbing intake of air and the shuddering breath out. She couldn’t look up but she knows she’d made him cry. She never actually, really thought she would have the power to do that. Suddenly she was horrified.” I…. I…. I didn’t mean ….. Tim I’m sorry ….. I should never have …” She was out of her chair before she’d even registered it, throwing her arms around his waist with a clash of metal badges. His arms around her before she could move away.
“You’re right though, Luce, aren’t you? I’m so, so, so, so sorry that I’m not strong enough to give you what he wanted right now.” His arms tightening around her. “Please, please don’t write me off. Please don’t hate me. It’s deserved if you do but please don’t think I walked away because I don’t love you. I love you too much and I don’t love myself. Until that happens nothing is going to work – you & me, my life in general. It’s time for me to stop running. I just hope you don’t run the other way whilst I do and I know that’s not fair of me to say.” Lucy looked up at him and he released her with one hand and made a stopping gesture. “It’s not Luce. Let me just say it. Let me say the truth.” Tim released her and Lucy stood back and looked at him. “I need to learn why everything around me I destroy. I need to do that… I – fuck- I never thought I would say this …. But I need to speak to someone. I’ve booked in with some therapist that isn’t from here. I think there’s stuff I don’t want a work shrink knowing and I’m trying, Lucy. I’m trying to be better …. And maybe I never fucking will be … but I can try. Otherwise I will let you down. I will make you hurt.”
As much as Lucy wanted to blame him for every ounce of pain she was feeling she realised she couldn’t. It was there in front of her. However shit she felt, this man was going to punish himself for it harder and more effectively than she ever could. He needed no help to do that. She didn’t think until that moment that the words “a shell of the man he used to be” actually existed for a reason. She’d never witnessed the total collapse of someone and here it was and he was STILL managing to turn up to work. To all the questions and all the looks and all the gossip. He was still doing that and then going home to an empty house to try and piece his life together. How could she judge him for that? Lucy felt the fresh tears fall at the thought of that.
“You are someone else but I am still right here,” she whispered and ran her hand across his tear tracked, dry stubbly skin. Tim grabbed her hand and kissed the palm with the crescent marks in the skin. “Thank you. Thank you….”his voice rasped and the promise of an uncertain amnesty passed between them.