Chapter Text
I knew it would be bad, the second Ben sat down next to me. I knew I didn’t want this. I looked at Nick and saw the worry in his eyes. He seemed to be even more upset about this than I was. For a second I considered to ask Nick to swap places but I really shouldn’t make up some trouble. When the food came, I felt like I could throw up again. I didn’t want to eat. Do I really have to? I looked at all the others, eating and seeming to very much enjoying the food. “I haven’t spoken properly to you in ages. How was your first day in Paris?,” Ben asked me. I just continued to stare at the food. I saw Nick looking at me, very worried. He started to get up, maybe to switch seats with me. Why would he do that, Charlie, he’s not out. Before anything else could happen, Imogen spoke up.
“Not interested in how my day was, then?,” and Ben literally glared at her.
“Why are you in a mood with me?” Ben asked, clearly not wanting to talk to her.
“Because you’re supposed to be my boyfriend,” she snapped and her fork fell on her plate. “But instead you got some sort of obsession with Charlie!” It was dead silent in the restaurant. No one spoke up and I was honestly scared of what was coming next. Nick looked at me, the panic in his eyes. I was also worried what was going to happen next.
“What are you trying to say?,” Ben asked, looking at Imogen in some way I didn’t even think anyone could look at anyone else, except it was on TV. Then, I felt like I could throw up, because I felt a hand on my thigh. I would’ve been uncomfortable with anyone to touch it, but with Ben’s hand, I felt like—
“I don’t know why you’re obsessed with Charlie! And to be honest I don’t even care. All I know if you’re a terrible boyfriend, and I deserve better,” Imogen said, “I’m breaking up with you. You’re energies off! You’re not mature and clearly you have some issues that you need to resolve before you’re ready to be in a relationship. And I’m not going to wait around for you. I think it’s time I focused on myself.” I tried to get Ben's hand from my thigh but he just did it himself.
“If you don’t want to be with me anymore, that’s fine. But you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.” I glanced at Imogen. She was about to cry.
“Oi, Pipe down!” Mr Farouk snapped.
“Benjamin, language,” Mr Ajayi added.
And then, even Harry stick up for her with the words, “there’s no need to call her a bitch.” Ben left the table, and I just felt that tight feeling in my chest. No, not here, not now, please, I begged. Imogen got up, too, and Nick gave me a look, saying I’m gonna look after her real quick, you coming with me? I shake my head a little, just enough for him to notice. Tao picked up at my shaky breath.
“Let’s get you out of here,” he whispered. I just nodded. And so we got up from the table and went to our room. Tao looked at me, seemingly worried. “Are you okay, Charlie?”
“I’m alright.”
“Charles Francis Spring, I know you since Year seven, I know when you’ve got stuff in your mind.”
“I-, it’s just-, I don’t know,” I said. I knew what I wanted. But I couldn’t say something like that, could I?
“Oh okay. Just so you know, if you need someone to talk, I'm still your best friend,” he said. I look at him and I think he understood. He understood that I was struggling but thankful to have him.
“I’m just gonna take shower, okay?,” I asked. Tao nods and so I take some of my clothes and shower stuff and go to the bathroom. “I love you, Tao, you know that, right?” Was that suspicious? I don’t hope so.
“Of course you do,” he replies with a smirk.
“Tell that the others, too, okay? Even if they didn’t come with us right now or something. I’m just really glad that I know you.”
“Is everything alright, Charlie?” Fuck, did he figure out?
“Yeah. I just think I should tell you all this more often, ha!”
“I swear it was Nick who made you this sappy.” Nevermind.
“Tao!”
I stared in the mirror and stripped off my clothes. I saw all the ugly scars on my arms and thighs. Disgusting. What would Nick say if he saw all this? He’d break up. He definitely would. I took a last look in the mirror before I took out my phone to text Nick a voice message. Then, I'd take the knife and turn on the shower. And then, they all would finally be free without me. Nick could finally get the relationship he deserved. “Hi Nick, it’s me,” I whispered. “I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I’m so so sorry, Nick. But I swear, I love you. I hope you find someone better. I love you.” Then I turned off my phone. I took two steps into the shower. I knew which vein I needed to get through. I knew that my wrist would look absolutely horrible after it, but I knew it was for the best. I was doing this for everyone around me, but especially Nick. And also, it’s not like I was going to care about an ugly wrist, once I’ve died. The thought of being dead was relieving. No one ever would ever have to be with my annoying existence. When the knife found what I was looking for, it didn’t take me long.
The last thing I heard was Tao saying, “what’s taking him so long in the shower?” Then I fell to the ground.