Work Text:
“Have a nice evening.”
With those last few words, Baxter made his exit.
Hold it together. Hold it together. For just a little longer, hold it together.
That was what his whole life was about, wasn’t it?
It took everything in him to tilt his head high, keep his manicured smile, and walk out of the restaurant at his regular pace, all while resisting the urge to run. To sprint. To get as far away from there as possible.
As far away from them as possible.
Fuck life’s unexpected coincidences.
As soon as Baxter was out of that room, he felt himself start to crumble. He only had one goal in mind: make it back home. He couldn’t process anything right now, and he wouldn’t let himself either. No, not at the risk of being seen. Not at the risk of ruining his professional reputation in front of his clients. His work was the only thing that mattered.
With shallow breaths, he made it to his car in the parking lot. Fumbling with the keys, he got in and flipped on a track that was previously playing, hoping to drown out any pervasive thoughts that threatened to inhibit his focus. Starting the engine, he gripped the wheel tight, only to find it was shaking. That was unusual.
Oh, the reality dawned on him.
His hands were the ones shaking.
Nevertheless, Baxter drove. Fueled by putting physical distance between him and…that whole situation, he held himself together. However, his laser focus on the road ahead of him could only do so much. He couldn’t stop repeating every little detail of the interaction that had just occurred, over and over again. Damn it, how could he have allowed himself to lose his composure like that? Luckily, he reigned in his tiny outburst as quickly as it had come. Still, it was unprecedented. It was unprofessional. It was foolish.
It was inexorable.
The person he truly cared for and who truly cared for him. The person who didn’t want to leave despite his flaws. The person who he hurt by cutting off completely. Like he normally did, of course, but this person was anything but normal. No, they were everything.
Everything…for a time.
And then they were nothing.
Or, he willed them to be nothing at least. The only problem was, all that willing didn’t work. Like the changing of the seasons, nothing stays the same. He thought he could move on, just like they inevitably would. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get them to leave his mind. Autumn had come; winter had followed; years had undeniably passed. All the while, Baxter had remained rooted in that single summer. He couldn’t stop thinking about them as someone important to him, and it hurt.
It hurt so badly.
They had probably moved on long ago. He had been the one to cut them off regardless. He had to do it before they realised just how worthless he really was.
But what if he hadn’t?
What if he hadn’t.
He had convinced himself it would have been worse. He had to believe that. If he didn’t, well, then it all would have been for nothing.
He could barely live with himself as it was.
Having zoned out for a while, Baxter found himself pulling into his apartment complex. Parking the car and switching it off, the music he had tuned out suddenly dissipated and the world around him was plunged into a deafening silence. Now, it was even darker and quieter than before. So quiet it was almost painful.
Silence was something he’d learned to live alongside. Something he’d made peace with. Only now, it wasn’t so peaceful. Now, it made him sick to his stomach as tears pricked at the edges of his eyes. Tears that threatened to overpower the voices in his head, screaming at him to be numb.
His hands still gripped the steering wheel, tighter than before. As his breathing hitched, they continued to squeeze tighter and tighter until his palms turned white. He pressed his eyes shut, intent on fighting his emotions to the bitter end. Bitter endings seemed to be his trademark, after all.
How do you mean something to someone? How do you tell them you’re sorry? How do you make them understand they're better off without you? How do you change the way you’ve always been? How do you erase yourself from somebody else’s life?
How long can someone be lonely before they break?
Right then and there, for the first time in a long time, Baxter Ward didn’t try to hold it together.
Giving into the sobs he’d been suppressing, he let himself feel. Wholly and completely. Once he started, it became difficult to stop. Not that he tried to for a while.
He cried until his hands slowly loosened their grip on the wheel and fell into his lap. He cried until his throat became dry and his voice became raspy. He cried until he was exhausted enough to be certain that nothing else could spill out.
Until he was certain that, once again, he could put on the mask.