Chapter Text
It had not surprised me in the slightest that Minakami would come to me like this. At the other side of the table, eyes cast down at the bowl of oranges, death gripping his hakama, a cold sweat on the back of his neck, shaking like a leaf in a storm. Not one bit. Maybe if it were five years ago, I would have been shocked. I would have blushed and stuttered and jumped up from my seat to berate him. I'd probably slap him too, just for having the thought.
I'd have told him 'no' right on the spot. I would've been mean to him, cold, and told him to go spend his next nights in the brewery shadows with the spiders and cats for his transgression against me. I would have been embarrassed and betrayed. I would think 'I'm not your damn woman!' and say 'How could you say that?! How dare you?!' and slap him again.
Maybe...a small part of me was embarrassed when he asked, and that's why I was thinking of those made up scenarios. They were things I wanted to childishly act out, because I was slightly embarrassed and a little irritated. I didn't want to hit him though.
I stared at him stoically. I had learned how to really get the look down after watching my elder coworkers, those that were old and fed up with being told what to do by even older men that were fed up with having to be a father to rowdy children at home and irate bulls at work. It was easy once you got the hang of it, and in turn, made things much more easier to navigate work relationships.
Not so much with romantic ones though. I was simply using it on Minakami to make him sweat. I wanted to see if he really meant it or was momentarily weak in his spirit and let himself forget who I was to him and myself.
Thinking about it now, it was a bit idiotic.
Minakami never promised to not ask of me what I could not do. And I never made him to. I foolishly assumed it would never come up. I figured that we would be content forever with each other as we were: married in spirit, living humble, and most of all...
Childless.
And for that, I cursed myself. I kicked myself. Minakami was understanding, he was loving and caring and supportive, but he was still a man who wanted things. Things I could provide if I weren't so scared of what it would mean for us as a whole, and for my mental wellness.
I knew it'd be easier to just say no, but unfortunately, deep down, I wanted those things too. I wanted to be official with him, to make things last forever, to end the suffering loop of nearly-there's and fruitless grasping in the pale of a winding universe.
I wanted us to be together. Really, this time, forever. I closed my eyes in thought.
"I want to have a child with you." He said it with regret and disgust. Like he was going to throw up at his own words. His own selfishness that led him to even think of the words, let alone say them out loud, but I didn't feel any of that disgust. No bile came up the back of my throat. I felt empty in a way, maybe I was actually shocked a little, and the feeling would come later after I made a stupid decision.
I opened my eyes and he was staring at me, the Hashihime was still there, and it was unnerving. Truly, I hated the fact that she was in our lives, meddling, but I had come to accept her anyway. Maybe that's how it would feel if we had a child too? A thought passed--when I had met my future self--
"I hate children."
"... But I tolerate well-behaved ones."
I could sympathize. Some of my friends were children, or used to be, at this point they were all adults.
...
Hmm…
I remembered him telling me of the Kanto earthquake. I remember seeing the destruction, hearing about Madam and Naoshi's death. Somehow, it didn't happen this time around, so I felt accomplished when I checked the papers that year and saw nothing of it. I had hoped my warning was taken seriously.
There was still the other part. The war. I didn't think there was any way to stop that. Part of me felt that was beyond my capabilities, beyond anyone's except the people going and making it happen. Whoever they were.
Anyway, I looked at Minakami. He hadn't taken it back yet, so he must've been serious. I smiled a little, something small, sheepish.
"But we aren't even married. How scandalous of you, Minato-kun."
His widened more, as far as they could go, before he narrowed them with a pink dusting of his cheeks. He coughed.
"Stop it. Be serious, please."
"I am."
"We can't get married." He sounded resolute. Convinced and convicted. I snorted.
"Ah, a man can bear a child but he cannot get married, eh? What a strange world we live in." I smirked but he was right serious, his eyes were hard, trying to scold me for being so flippant about our family planning.
"Tamamori."
"Hmm?"
He relaxed a little with a sigh, leaning forward. He wanted my hand so I gave it to him with a dramatic flourish, yet when our hands touched, it was light and gentle and warm. He slowly closed his fingers around my hand, his thumb pressed down on the back.
"We can't."
"Why?"
"We can't. I couldn't…"
"Ah." I had gotten it. What he meant.
He didn't want to deface me. Defile me in anyway. Two men couldn't get married unless it was some sort of whispered pact in the dark of their own home. That would be fine with me, of course, I didn't need a parade of white horses and a crowd ten thousand wide to view it. I just needed him and some calpsi and a promise. That was all.
But he wanted the whole thing, that was how he was. He still had his parents, people who wanted what was best for him and to see it.
"You don't want me dressed as a woman, do you?"
"..."
"Who said I was going to dress like a woman?"
"!!"
"So traditional…" I smiled at him. "You know in most places, all you need is a witness."
"A…witness…"
"It can be as few as one person, you know. Just someone to say 'I was there, they are committed!'." I felt like being a little evil to him. I leaned so far forward, our noses touched. "I won't carry a thing until we're married."
Then I kissed him quickly on the tip of his nose.