Work Text:
“They were your team!” Jess all but shouts, vaguely aware of her chair toppling over behind her as she stands, “they were under your care and you were supposed to look out for them, not abandon them!”
“Knight.” Torres is at her side, warning in his voice.
She pays no attention, instead leaning across the interrogation table to accuse the cowering man on the other side, “You betrayed them!”
“Jess,” a hand appears on her shoulder and she turns to see Nick, the look in his eyes deflating her, “leave it.”
He steps to the side and Jess brushes past him, not sparing the man a second glance as she strides from the room, anger infused through every step.
Somewhat subconsciously, she finds her way onto the roof, to the very spot she had confronted him and stares out across the Navy Yard, disbelieving of how she’d just let her emotions get the better of her like they never have before.
Her anger shifts from being directed at Tom, to being directed at herself, a rage that this is still affecting her over a year later that burns through her until it melts away into frustrated despair and a now familiar deep sense of loss and suddenly she’s sinking down to the floor.
Back against a wall, she brings her knees up to her chest and sobs into them.
Clearly she’s losing her touch, her compartmentalisation used to be so much better than this.
She’s getting better at living life, finding her place in her new team, moving on from their deaths, but sometimes a reminder just hits her out of no where and nothing she does can stop the waves of memories and absolute terror that comes with the knowledge of how they’re fading, little by little.
By the time she hears the door open, her tears seem to have come to a stop of their own accord so she takes a steadying breath and wipes her face as Nick slides down silently beside her.
They sit quietly for a while, staring out at the clouds creeping across the sky and comfortably ignoring each other.
Eventually, Jess takes another breath and turns to face him, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise,” he replies evenly.
“No, I need to,” she insists, “that was way out of line.”
Probably the least professional he’s ever seen her.
But Torres simply shrugs, “Maybe. But there’s clearly something else going on here.”
“I don’t usually lose my cool like that,” she acknowledges wryly and he snorts.
“No, you don’t. Which is why I have to admit, I’m a little worried.”
Eyebrows shooting up, she teases, “Nick Torres, admitting to having feelings.”
But he doesn’t match her tone, instead looking at her seriously, “I care about my team, Jess, I won’t pretend that I don’t.”
Pulling her knees closer in an effort to conceal her vulnerability, she quietly asks, “Even though you haven’t known me as long as McGee?”
“I don’t think time is really a factor. This team… it was the first place I really belonged, it’s important to me,” he admits in a rare moment of open honesty, “and you’ve been here for it, loyal to it, even before you really knew if it was where you fitted.”
She’s never been someone to give something only part of her effort or attention.
Frowning, she says, “Loyalty is important to me.”
“And betrayal hits a little close to home.”
She turns sharply to face him. It’s not really a question so much as an opening, an offer to talk about whatever that had been back there.
“He was meant to protect us,” she whispers, feeling the tears pricking at her eyes again, “but he killed them.”
Nick doesn’t try and reassure her, he doesn’t feed her false sentiment about the healing of moving on, he simply adds, “And nothing is ever going to make that okay.”
He’s right. Nothing is ever going to make it okay.
“It’s just… I’m starting to truly process the fact I’ve lost them all. But I don’t know how I can ever find peace from what he did-“ she’d looked up to him, seen him as a mentor figure, trusted him- “personal betrayal I can deal with, I’ve experienced it enough to know but that?” voice hardening, she shakes her head, “he didn’t just betray me, he betrayed us all and look what it cost.”
“It cost you your family.”
Yes, but it hadn’t just taken them from her, it had taken them from everyone.
“It cost their lives.”
Catching sight of the concern on his face, she forces herself to take a breath and feels the fight drain from her once more.
“ I just don’t know how to acknowledge it was his actions that led to their deaths without letting it consume me.”
“Jess, I can’t say I have all or even any of the answers,” he gestures openly, “but I am slowly learning that talking does help. It’s hard to talk about things that you’ve been running from. And I know you know that,” smirking, he bumps their shoulders gently together, “because we have the same coping mechanisms.”
“Bottle it all up?” she asks, wryly.
Nick nods, a sort of self-deprecating amusement shining in his eyes as he adds, “Care deeply but keep people at arm’s length at the same time.”
“Oof, okay,” Jess presses an exaggerated hand to her chest, “don’t call me out like that.”
Finally letting out a laugh, he shrugs, “If it makes you feel any better, I’m calling myself out too. But we do think in a similar way, I think it’s part of the reason we work together well, you know,” his voice drops to a dramatic stage whisper, “gotta band together against the nerds.”
Snorting, she pretends to think seriously, counting off on her fingers, “You have daddy issues… I have mommy issues… we both have commitment issues.”
“Okay,” his face scrunches up, “you can stop calling us out now.”
“Why? We’re on a roll!”
He rolls his eyes, “Okay then, how about the fact that we make everything into a joke instead of talking about it seriously?” gesturing between them, he raises a pointed eyebrow, “case in point.”
Jess pouts, “Oh, just take all the fun out of it, why don’t you.”
Shaking his head, he chuckles then shifts round to face her properly, “Knight, in all seriousness. I will joke with you any time you like but you need to do the serious conversations too. Even if they make you feel all the emotions you’ve been trying to avoid.”
Her gaze immediately drops from his but he moves until one of their knees is just pressed together in soft reassurance, “You’re allowed to be angry, you’re allowed to feel betrayed, to feel sad, or lost without them.”
A sort of smile finds its way onto her face as she nods hesitantly, “I’m resisting the urge to joke about how you sound like Dr Grace.”
Nick grins, “Who do you think has been repeatedly telling me the same thing for the last few weeks?” pushing himself up, he brushes off his jeans and holds out a hand to her, “now, come on.”
Even though she would normally make a point to decline the offer, she lets him haul her up, not resisting when one of his arms wraps around her shoulders.
“Do you think if we practice, we could learn to talk telepathically?” he asks thoughtfully, “like twins!”
Amused, she replies, “Somehow, I don’t think so.”
“Oh come on, we have to at least try.”
Pulling to a stop, she turns to face him, seeing the lingering concern and care in his eyes behind the veil of humour and making sure to shoot him a grateful smile before pushing him lightly through the door.
She calls after him in mock scorn, “You do not have to be telepathic to know what I’m thinking right now, Torres.”