Chapter Text
Fuck, there he is. It’s been three months, yet his heart is beating like it’s been three years. Steve hasn’t changed. Not that Eddie had honestly expected him to look different. It had only been like 90 days, after all. Still, it surprises him. Though that might simply be caused by the fact that Steve is here, now, at the last place Eddie had expected to run into him.
Should he leave? Ignore the other’s presence and sneak out? It might not be the kindest course of action, but then again, cutting Steve out of his life without so much as a phone call or note hadn’t been kind either. What’s one more “unkind” action? Eddie shakes his head at himself. Unkind? Fucking rude, more like. That’s what he’s been. It’s not what he’d meant to be, but a lot has changed for him these past three months and he can now be honest about what he did. He was scared and dealt with that fear in the worst way possible. And what did he gain? Nothing! Heartbreak and pain and weird looks from his friends as they tried to figure out what was going on. Eddie’s pretty sure none of them ever did. Or maybe they did. Maybe they’d all figured it out a lot sooner than he had.
Though that’s not true either, is it? Eddie knew what was going on with him. Steve isn’t the first guy he’s crushed on. He’s just the first guy that he’s actually fallen for. The first guy that, consciously or not, had given him hope. And next to love, hope is the most dangerous thing to feel.
He should leave. Yeah, okay. Looking around, Eddie notices that it’s all but impossible to sneak towards the fire exit. There are people everywhere, clustered together as they share a drink, a laugh, a dance. It’s what Eddie had come here for too. As he thinks this, his eyes instinctively dash back to the corner he’d been in a moment ago, before he’d headed towards the bar. The rest of the band is still there, none of them aware of his frozen state in the middle of The Hideout. Fuck, he should really move. Move before-
“Hey.”
Too late. As his shoulders slump, Eddie slowly turns towards the sound. Not that he has to. He’d know that voice anywhere and is pretty sure he knows what look the owner of said voice is sporting right now. Still, he forces himself to look up, if only for confirmation. Confirmation that Steve still looks more sad than pissed. Confirmation that his heart still beats uncontrollably whenever the other is around. Three months of no contact and both nothing and everything has changed. “Hey.” It comes out nervous and though the music is loud enough to drown out the sound of his heartbeat, he won’t fool himself into thinking Steve didn’t hear the tremor in his voice.
They stare at each other for a moment, seemingly both unsure of what to say or do right now. This is why Eddie wanted to leave. Why did Steve have to come over? A mean voice in the back of his mind tells him that Steve should carry on the conversation. He’s the one who approached him, after all.
It’s possible Steve comes to the same conclusion as he bows his head. “How’ve you been?”
Eddie’s thrown. Steve might not have seemed angry - not now nor in the stories he’d heard from Dustin and, in a few instances, a disappointed Robin – but that doesn’t mean Eddie hadn’t expected anger directed his way. He might’ve even preferred it. Because he can deal with anger. Especially in this situation, as it would give him an excuse to walk away. It’s what he’s good at, after all. Walking away.
Opening his mouth, Eddie realizes he’s not sure how to react. It’s not until Steve lifts his head again, eyebrows knit together, that Eddie finds the words. “Shit,” he answers honestly, nodding with a self-deprecating smile. “Life’s been shit, yeah. No one to blame for that but me, ey. How ‘bout you, Harrington?” It’s a low blow, really. Unnecessary, yet he can’t stop the name rolling off his tongue.
The name hits Steve as hard as Eddie might’ve subconsciously meant it too. Because they haven’t been on a last name basis for months now. A year, more like. Though maybe that’s not true. It might’ve been a year since they became close friends, but it’s also been three months since Eddie saw his former friend. So why not go back to last names, right? It’s a lame excuse and he knows it.
He notices Steve twitch, before the other nods. Once, the action firm and resolute. Eddie’s sure this is it. He won’t have to walk away himself because Steve is going to instead. But then Steve licks his lips and opens his mouth. “I’m sorry to hear that. Though I can’t say my life has been any better for the past, oh, three months?”
Steve doesn’t say anything else. Instead, he lets the silence between them return. Unlike the awkward quietness from before, neither is looking away. With their eyes firmly locked, Eddie feels himself grow smaller and more tired with every passing second. Steve is not backing away and though he’s not doing or saying anything either, it still feels like he’s pushing at Eddie’s buttons to get a reaction out of him. The problem is that Eddie isn’t sure what reaction Steve’s hoping for. Instead of responding with words, he looks away, the sound of his own heartbeat once again competing with the volume of the music around them.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! He’s an idiot. He knows he’s an idiot and perhaps, if given the chance to do this all over again, he might not have made the same decisions. But he can’t go back. Not back in time and not back to Steve. Not that he even knows if there’s anything left to go back to. But he can do this one thing, even if it’s most likely the last thing he’ll even say to Steve. “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t fix anything, but I just,” Eddie says, before sighing. Slowly, he lifts his head to sneak a glance at Steve’s face. If these are to be his second chance at his last words at the other, he deserves a second chance at a last look, after all. Steve’s gorgeous, even in this low light. Bottom lip between his teeth, an unreadable look in his eyes. It’s a look Eddie makes sure is seared into his brain. “I just had to tell you. Thanks for giving me the chance, I guess. Goodbye, Steve.” Without waiting for any form of response, Eddie ducks past Steve and heads towards the doors. He doesn’t get stopped on his way out.
It doesn’t hit him until he’s halfway home that he left the band. He went to get them a round of beers and instead, he left without so much as a wave. With Wayne at work, their little home is dark and cold by the time he finally enters the front door. Heading straight towards the bedroom, he doesn’t even bother taking over his jeans before slipping under the blankets. It’s no use. Sleep doesn’t come for him.
There’s a loud knocking on the front door. The noise is frantic and seemingly endless. Eddie’s on high alert right away, sprinting towards the door while praying there’s not a cop with bad news about Wayne or one of the kids on the other side. Pulling the door open, he realizes he lay awake for longer than he realized. Judging from the way the sun’s rising behind the trees, he spent at least six hours calling himself an idiot over and over again.
It might be the fact that he hadn’t expected it to be this light out that distracts him from the fact that he should really focus on what’s happening right now. Who could be at his door at this h- Oh.
Fuck.
“Steve?”
“I’d love to come in, Eddie. Thank you,” Steve says, ignoring Eddie’s confusion as he pushes past him. Closing the door, Eddie slowly turns back around, unsure of what he’ll find. Whatever it is he’s expecting, it’s not this. Steve’s back, with shoulders slightly slumped, as he looks around the place as if he’s never been here before. Which, now that Eddie really thinks about it, feels more accurate than it should be. The place might not be new and sure, Steve has spent many a day, evening, and even night here. But Eddie had worked on it. It was how he’d kept busy without tearing his hair out these past months. The ceiling was spotless and white now, the walls a more creamy color, and the furniture has been moved around and fixed up a bit. Someone else might not have noticed this much, but it doesn’t surprise him one bit that Steve has. Steve isn’t just someone, after all.
Catching himself, Eddie coughs awkwardly. “Fuck, okay. You want a drink or something?”
In front of him, Steve shakes his head, before slowly turning around. If Eddie thought it was horrible seeing Steve last night, it’s even worse now. The guy looks like he slept just as little as Eddie had, but that’s not the worst thing about it. No, the worst thing about it is that they’re alone. No drunk people or loud music, just the two of them in an otherwise quiet living room. Nothing to hide behind, no way to sneak out. Whatever Steve’s about to throw at him, he’ll have to take it. It’s only fair, he decides as he nods and points at the couch.
The silence stretches as Steve nods too, before heading to the couch and sitting down. Normally, meaning three months ago, Eddie would have joined him. He might’ve even sat a little closer than strictly necessary. God, he’d been an idiot. Is still an idiot. It’s a chronic thing.
“So,” he says, sitting down in Wayne’s chair and facing Steve.
Opposite him, Steve scoffs. “Really? So? That’s all I get?”
Throwing his head back with a sigh, Eddie trails his eyes over the ceiling. “You came to my house, Steve,” he starts, before looking back at those beautiful, heartbreaking eyes. “I’m guessing you have things you want to say to me. So, talk.”
Once again, Steve surprises him. Because instead of shouting or mumbling curse words, Steve’s voice cracks as he asks, “What changed? I just- I don’t understand when you started hating me again.” It’s clear that Steve’s not finished talking yet, but Eddie can’t help interrupt him.
“I never hated you. Not then, not now.” It’s the truth. Even when they were still in school and never interacted, he didn’t hate the jock. And he definitely doesn’t hate him now.
“Could’ve fooled me.”
Sighing, Eddie looks up towards the heavens for strength once more. “Can you just trust me when I tell you that it’s better for you to not have me in your life?”
“No,” Steve says, the answer resolute.
Annoyed, Eddie tilts his head back down to focus on Steve once more. It’s still painful to see the other man on his couch again. Oh, how he’s missed this image. “Then don’t. Doesn’t change things, does it? Now, if that’s all.” With that, Eddie slaps his knee to indicate the end of the conversation, before getting up. In one last dickish move, he waves a hand towards the front door.
“Oh, fuck off. You look terrible, Eddie. Okay?” Steve tells him as he stands up too. Finally, there’s the anger Eddie had been waiting for. Anger will trump the hurt, right? Anger will finally break this bond between them. Good. “You can’t make me believe that this is what you truly want. That cutting me out improved your life in some way or other. Because I know it hasn’t. You said life’s been shit. Well, guess what, man? Mine’s been shit too. Just awful.” Shaking his head, he takes a step closer to Eddie. “You say you don’t hate me. Fine. Let’s say I believe you. Then what else happened? What changed?”
Eddie hears the unasked question and it breaks whatever’s left of his heart. ‘What did I do?’ He should’ve known Steve would blame himself. Even without any hint of a reason, Steve assumed he’d messed up somehow. He really should’ve handled it better three months ago. Instead of telling Steve why or simply coming up with a lie, he ran. Left before anyone else was awake, ignored every phone call to his house for at least three weeks and had Wayne send Steve away with excuses neither man believed. It had both hurt like hell and felt like relief, that first day that Steve hadn’t knocked on their door anymore.
“It wasn’t you,” Eddie offers lamely. “So you can stop blaming yourself. Sometimes, friends just grow apart.” It’s a lie, and a bad one at that. He knows it as soon as the words leave his mouth. Has it confirmed when Steve lets out a humorless laugh.
“Grow apart? Seriously? Never took you for this much of a coward, Munson.” Steve all but spits out the last name, before moving past Eddie. His eyes follow the younger man as he heads towards the front door again, though he can’t bring himself to move. He’s frozen in place, frozen by the knowledge that this isn’t it. He knows it isn’t, because Steve clearly has more bubbling around in his head. As the other grips the doorknob tightly, before stopping, he knows he was right.
“I really thought we had a chance, you and I. And I was so ready. Scared, but ready. Do you know what I thought when you weren’t in bed that morning? I thought, stupidly, that you’d gone downstairs. As I got dressed that morning, I had this idea of us sharing breakfast. Maybe even sharing our first kiss before the others woke up,” Steve tells Eddie, with his back still towards him. “Pretty fucking foolish of me, huh?”
The words don’t seem to land. It’s like all of a sudden, he’s forgotten all about the English language. Because no way did Steve just say those words to him. Shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts, he’s almost surprised by the sudden brightness.
He catches a cold sounding “Goodbye, Eddie. Have a nice life.” before the light is gone. Once again, Eddie is heartbroken and alone.
It’s weird. This is what he wanted, yet it hasn’t gotten any easier since that morning. If anything, it’s gotten worse. Especially after last night. Fuck. If he could only go back to yesterday afternoon and break his ankle or something. Anything! Any excuse that would keep him from joining the guys at The Hideout. Why had Steve been there anyway?
It’s only now that this specific question comes back to him. As Eddie tries to picture the scene again, chest aching at the memory of Steve’s face in the crowd, he fails to come up with any logical conclusion. As far as Eddie knows, Robin hadn’t been there. Nor had any of Steve’s other friends. ‘Other than you’, that bitch at the back of his head tells him. He quickly shuts the voice up.
That couldn’t be, right? Even with what he now knows, or at least what he’s supposed to believe, Steve can’t have been there to look for him. Eddie’s ego might be big, but it’s not that big. There has to have been another reason.
Even if Steve had wanted to kiss him all those months ago.
Even if Steve had wanted to give this thing between them a chance.
Fuck.
He’s not sure how long he stands there, just staring at the closed front door, before heading towards the fridge. He’s fully planning on grabbing a beer, not giving a shit about the fact that it’s not even eight in the morning yet, when the front door opens.
“Was that Steve?” Wayne asks as soon as he enters the house.
Slightly startled, Eddie dramatically grabs at his chest as he goes to meet Wayne. “Warn a guy, old man,” he tries, but Wayne just raises his eyebrow at him. He’s expecting a serious answer to both asked and unasked questions regarding the presence of Steve in both their house and Eddie’s life. “It was. And now he’s gone again. Don’t worry about it.”
“Bit too late for that, son.” With that, Wayne all but pushes Eddie ahead of him into the kitchen. Accepting his defeat, Eddie heads to the coffee machine as he tells Wayne to sit down.
For a moment or two, it’s quiet again. Well, apart from the slight sputtering of their old coffee maker. And then Wayne addresses him again. “Look, I think I’ve been patient enough with ya. Now tell me what happened between you two.”
“Nothing. We just, I don’t know. We grew apart or something.” Eddie scolds himself as soon as the words leave his mouth. Steve had been able to call bullshit on that lame excuse within seconds, meaning that Wayne would be able to do the same, only even faster. The look on his uncle’s face tells him as much. “Fucking fine. I just didn’t want to be his friend anymore. Is that better?”
Wayne makes a noise, before ever so slightly tilting his head up. “A better lie, you mean?” he asks, before shaking his head. “Because it isn’t.” A beat. “I can tell you what I think happened.”
“Wayne, please.”
“I think you two fell in love,” he offers with an unfamiliar sadness in his eyes. “And I think that scared you so much, that at one point, you just ran from it. From this love, and from Steve. I don’t really know why yet, but knowing you, I’m guessing it was the fear of rejection. Of losing this person that means so much to you. So you cut him out of your life completely. Better to leave than be left behind or some nonsense.”
Eddie’s looking down at his feet now, unable to meet Wayne’s eyes for fear of showing him the truth of his words.
“And then last night, you finally ran into each other again. After three months. But instead of showing growth, you kept that distance between you two,” Wayne continues. Eddie’s eyebrows draw together in confusion as he slowly looks up at his uncle. That piercing sadness is still in the other’s eye as he nods at Eddie. “Yep, that’s what I thought. And so, Steve came to you this morning to give you another chance. But did you take it? Nope. You let him pour out his heart to you and didn’t even try to stop him as he left, did you?”
“You can’t possibly...how?” Eddie stammers.
“Do you love him, son? Do you love Steve?”
His vision goes a little blurry as an unexpected wave of tears makes itself known. Shaking his head, he tries to blink them away. It doesn’t work. As a few traitorous tears roll down his cheeks, Eddie breathes out an almost painful sigh. “I do.”
A moment later, there are arms around him, pulling him close. “I know,” his uncle breathes into his hair. It’s not a long hug, but it’s comforting all the same. “So why didn’t you stop him this morning?” Wayne asks as he pulls back. “Go talk to him, kid.”
Eddie’s a mess of emotions and tears, his brain feeling too full and too empty at the same time. He takes a few deep breaths, letting the words wash over him. By the time he gets his breathing back under control, Wayne’s back at the table. This time, there’s a cup of coffee in his hands. He looks like he’s waiting. As if he knows what Eddie’s going to ask. Then again, it wasn’t that weird a question. How had Wayne known all that?
“You talked to him, didn’t you?” he asks instead.
With a small smile on his lips, Wayne nods. “He was still in our driveway when I rolled up. Though he seemed scared at first, the floodgates opened as soon as he realized I wasn’t going to get mad at him for loving my boy.” A slightly wet-sounding huff leaves Eddie at that, making Wayne pull a face at him. “Though I will get mad at my boy for being an idiot. Look, kid, I know it’s scary. Trust me, I do. And I’m not telling you to roll up to his house with the marching band and this big declaration that tells the whole world about your feelings. You can keep this as private as you want and need it to be. But don’t let that fear stop you from being happy. Especially not if you’re not the only one getting hurt by your actions.” Wayne says, before taking another sip. “You know I love you. All of you. So if this is truly what you want, go and fight for it. I didn’t raise you to be a coward, now did I?”
Though Eddie always assumed Wayne would be okay with it, they never talked about any of this out loud. Not about Eddie’s “preferences” and certainly not about his not so platonic feelings for his very male friend. It’s what makes Wayne’s words hit extra hard right now. Because there’s a difference between assuming things and having them confirmed. And today, he had two confirmations. One just now, where it was revealed that what he had assumed was 100% correct. And one a few moments ago, when he found out that he’d made the wrong assumption. Because he was not alone in this. Because Steve was scared too.
Because Steve loved him too.
Fuck. He’s an idiot, isn’t he? “Fuck, I should...No. Wait, fuck. I can’t-”
Wayne gets up, holding his hands out as if trying to calm a wild animal. “Slow down, slow down. Take a deep breath. Okay. First, you’re going to take a shower. Then, you’re going to think of a perfect apology. What happens after that is completely up to you, kid. But if you’re asking me, I’d say: buy him some nice flowers and get ready to grovel.”
“Flowers, really?”
“Really,” he confirms sternly. “Now, I’m going to bed. Let me know if I should expect you home for dinner.” With that, Wayne walks out of the kitchen. A moment later, Eddie heads towards the bathroom.
It’s almost annoying how well a hot shower works every single time. His head feels clearer, his body less tired, and somehow, a hint of confidence has returned. Would it be weird to go over to Steve’s house right now? Would he even be welcome there? Part of him fears Steve turning him away, but as soon as the thought hits him, so do Wayne’s words. ‘You had three months to get over yourself, Eddie. Now fucking go do it,” he tells himself. Grabbing his jacket and wallet, he heads out the door.
Fifteen minutes and a quick stop at the flower stall next to the trailer park later, Eddie gets out of his van. It’s only twenty steps or so to the front door, yet it feels like miles. Every step makes his heart beat faster and louder until the sound of his heartbeat is louder than the doorbell. He almost rings it again, just to make sure.
It’s not necessary though. The door opens as soon as he lets go of the buzzer. Should’ve expected Steve would recognize the familiar sound of Eddie’s van. Trying to catch Steve’s gaze, he has to physically stop himself from crushing the bouquet in his hands. It’s small and a little messy, but the pretty yellow flowers made Eddie think of Steve.
“So?” Steve asks, not a hint of amusement on his face, though it’s clear that the callback is deliberate.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Steve. I know that might not mean anything right now, but please give me a chance to explain,” Eddie all but begs.
Steve looks unimpressed for a moment, before stepping aside to let Eddie in.
Grateful, Eddie nods at him as he walks past and heads into the living room. He stops in the middle of the room, turning around and waiting for Steve to follow. He does, though he keeps his distance. Leaning back against the wall, Steve crosses his ankles and folds his arms in a look of pure disinterest. Once again, it’s what Eddie deserves. Gulping down a breath, Eddie takes a step closer, before holding out the bouquet. “These made me think of you,” he offers.
Slowly and hesitantly, Steve takes them, careful not to touch Eddie in the process. “Thanks.”
“Look. I fucked up, okay? I fucked up three months ago, I fucked up last night, and I fucked up this morning. And I would be lying if I told you I was never going to fuck up again. Because I will. I won’t want to, but I will. But I will also learn. I might be a bit of a slow learner, as is clear from this whole situation, but I will.” With a deep breath, he takes a step back. “But before I get into all that, I promised you an explanation. Now, I’ve been trying and failing to come up with the right words. Because there aren’t really any, other than to say that I’m an idiot,” Eddie offers with a shrug. It pulls not even the smallest of smiles out of Steve. “It’s simple, really. I was scared. Fucking terrified, actually. Absolutely terrified of losing you,” Eddie confesses.
“You had a funny way of showing that,” Steve mutters, eyes firmly locked onto the flowers in his hands.
“Yeah,” Eddie nods in agreement. “Yeah, I know. I had this silly idea that it would be easier if I left first, you know?”
“No, I don’t,” Steve answers, not that Eddie had really meant it as a question. Finally, he lifts his eyes from the flowers back up to Eddie’s face. “You could’ve at least left a note, Eds.”
Eds. It’s been ages since he’s been called that. Then again, Steve really was the only one to ever call him that. So yeah, it’s been roughly three months.
“I know. I handled this terribly. But I didn’t know, okay? I didn’t know that I wasn’t the only one. If I’d known...No, that’s not fair. I don’t know if I would have dared make a move if I had known. All I knew was that I was in deep, too deep, and I needed to leave before I did something stupid. For both of our sakes. Or so I thought.”
“Very noble of you,” Steve offers coldly, eyes narrowed as if he doesn’t believe a word coming out of Eddie’s mouth right now.
“I know you must be angry and I totally deserve that,” Eddie starts, earning him another raised eyebrow from Steve. Even now, even in this situation, there’s that slight flutter in his stomach at Steve’s bitchiness. Even if it’s totally valid and directed at him. “Look, I know a bunch of flowers, a shitty explanation, and a lifetime of “I’m sorry’s” isn’t going to fix this. But I need to know, Steve. Is it fixable?” He takes another deep breath before dropping the big one. “Is there hope for us?”
Steve is quiet for a moment, eyes darting back to the flowers in his hands. He regards a couple with special interest, though Eddie guesses it’s just a way to keep from looking at Eddie. It feels like all the answer he needs. Nodding in understanding, he takes another step back. “Right. I’m sorry. I should leave.”
Before he can move though, Steve pushes away from the wall. “Don’t you dare, Munson. Not again.” In response, Eddie freezes. “Now, I’m going to put these flowers in one of my mom’s way too expensive vases. Would you like a drink?”
Feeling the imaginary hand release its grip on his heart, Eddie feels a careful smile tug at his lips. At the action, Steve firmly points a finger at him. “You’re not off the hook yet, asshole.”
With the small smile still on his lips, Eddie raises his hands. “I get it. Probation period?”
The other seems to think it over for a moment, before nodding once and heading towards the kitchen.
A little unsure, Eddie watches him leave the room. A moment later, Steve’s voice calls out, “Are you coming or what? I’m not bringing you a drink like I’m your fucking waiter just because you got me flowers, Eddie.” It’s the most Steve thing Steve’s said to him all day. With a grin and a promise to himself to be on his best behavior for his probation period and way beyond that, he follows Steve into the kitchen.
After Steve puts the flowers in water and Eddie has set drinks for both of them on the table, they sit and talk. It feels slightly off, but the longer they talk, the more natural it feels. Eddie apologizes a couple more times and Steve catches him up on everything he missed while he was busy “being an idiot”.
He’s not even aware of how much time has passed until Steve nods towards the phone on the wall. “You should call Wayne to let him know you’re not going to be home for dinner.”
“Yeah?”
Clearly suppressing a smile, Steve nods at him. “Yeah. And once you’re done calling Wayne, you can order us both some pizzas. Part of your probation.”
“Aye aye, sir,” Eddie replies happily, all but skipping towards the phone. As he calls both Wayne and their favorite pizza place, his eyes stay on Steve.
There’s a small smile on his face.
It makes Eddie feel like he won the fucking lottery.