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it's so hard to deal with anything these days.
it's been 1-year post disbandment and it seems like Taerae was the only one who hasn’t moved on, it had gone like expected tearful goodbyes to their staff, fans, and each other..but it seemed like everyone was doing well many of the members re-debuted and established themselves further and while Taerae was also supposed to do that considering that he was set to re-debut immediately he just couldn't bring himself to do it. he was constantly exhausted, being around people felt like a task, and re-debuting didn't seem like the right choice at that moment.
Taerae doesn't know what is wrong with him, why he feels like he is bound to drown in a dark sea with no one to help or rescue him his days seem to all be the same wake-up, practice with no goal in mind and then go back to sleep, he kept hoping for that spark to come back he needed it too.
the desire to feel the same way on stage he did before to look at the cameras and not feel vulnerable and exposed.
Taerae finds solitude within late night walks, 3 am is the perfect time when everyone is asleep except for the night owls, the streets are dark and empty there is no chatter and there is no one to recognize him so he doesn’t have to cover up as much.
He would plug in his earphones and walk around the river as the same 4 lights flickered and he would continue until the sun started to rise, it was beautiful to look at a comfortable familiar feeling would settle all over his body and so he did it night after night.
Today wasn't any different he didn't have any plans and he wasn't looking to make any, all Taerae wanted was to go on his walk and see the sunrise…he wondered what colors would the sun color the sky with today, he wondered why he felt so at ease.
but unlike his usual routine Taerae decides to walk on the other side of the bridge today maybe the sun would look prettier from that angle yet again he has gotten tired of walking under the same lights…
It is 4:30 am still relatively dark the sun is set to rise after 30 minutes so Taerae does his best to quickly make it to the end of the bridge, perhaps it's taking him longer because of the new route maybe he shouldn't take it again, he halts.
A tender set of eyes, equally as shocked stares him down…Gunwook stands before matching his all-black attire.
Taerae knows that Gunwook re-debuted, he knows Gunwook is doing well he keeps up with the members after all to congratulate them whenever something happens, but Taerae never knew how to reach out to Gunwook.
The first month after disbanding Taerae tried, he opens his chat and stares at it he had nothing to say he didn't even know why he opened the chat to begin.
They first make contact when Gunwook re-debuts, Taerae doesn't know his address because he would've sent him flowers.
But it felt weird to text Gunwook and ask him for his address when they hadn't spoken in so long so he settled for a “congrats on your debut Gunwookie!” in which they had a small back and forth.
But seeing him in the flesh was different, Gunwook has always been bigger than Taerae however it seems like he has gotten bigger…his build is bigger and his muscles are more prominent but that is not what shocks Taerae rather than Gunwook’s physical presence stunning him it's the feeling that comes along with it, it's the comfort he feels when he is watching the sunset…Taerae should be nervous he knows that logically speaking suddenly meeting an old friend in the dead of night is nerve-racking, but he feels at ease.
“Hyung…” Gunwook says softly, picking up his feet to approach Taerae.
The closer Gunwook got the more at ease Taerae got…the more his body relaxed.
Looking back it always was Gunwook, when they first started Boys Planet it was Gunwook who roomed with him, it was Gunwook who held his hand the one who hugged him throughout the mentally and physically draining practices.
He would go on to debut with him to rely on him, Gunwook was who Taerae went for when he had a problem with the choreography and vice versa Gunwook would always ask Taerae to help him when it came to his vocals.
They would always be next to each other, whether it was the lineup that set them up like that or a free fun day in which they chose to hang out together its always been Gunwook.
Maybe he was conditioned to it without even knowing to feel a sense of belonging when he is next to Gunwook to look for him and to reach out to him so when it was ripped away from him it all fell apart and nothing made sense a Pavlov response of some sorts.
Gunwook is standing in front of him, eyes locked with Taeraes they always could read each other they always seemed to be on the same wave…they knew what the other was feeling so it finally dawns on Taerae that he wasn't the only one struggling with this loss.
“I missed you” Taerae’s voice small, cracks out like a lump that has been unknowingly stuck at the back of his throat.
And as if the time they spent apart was of mere seconds they indulged in each other's arms Gunwooks strong grip holding Taerae for dear life, Taeraes face rests on Gunwooks shoulders looking right ahead he could feel their heart right next to each other syncing he can hear it thumping in his ear…Taerae could cry or maybe he was, he hadn't felt this warm and snug in so long looking right ahead the sun started rising a mix of yellows and oranges, a beautiful warm light pulling him out of the unrelenting dark sea waves.
It's all so beautiful Gunwook is beautiful and he missed him so much, he missed the way Gunwook held him in his arms the way he laughed and talked he can never let him go again.
They spend the rest of their time at the bridge catching up and for the first time in a while, Taerae goes back to his apartment with a smile, a racing heart, and plans to look forward too.