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It was a bleak, rainy day as she slowly drove past the hundreds of rows of headstones, place cards for the dead at the table of eternity, toward the mausoleum at the back of the cemetery.
As Elle drove through she watched the memories of other’s long lost loved ones slide by her car like the drops of rain on her windows, and reflected on the past 6 months since the tragedy that changed her life forever.
The guilt that weighs on her like a weighted blanket constantly wrapped around her shoulders hasn’t lessened one bit since that day, despite what the countless therapists and psychiatrists she has seen for the PTSD she suffers from it have told her.
She was just in the other room, when the doorbell rang.
“You stay here, I’ll get it.” Those were the last words she spoke to Elle directly.
She always thinks about that. Always wonders what if? If she had known, would she tell Foster she loved her? Would she go with her to the door? Would she tell her not to answer it at all?
She was just in the other room, only meters away, when she heard the sickening thud of the hollow metal baseball bat that collided full speed with Foster’s head. She heard her last breaths, begging Theo to stop.
Yet, she didn’t run for Foster, instead she dialed 911. She tried to stay calm as she explained what had happened to the best of her ability. She heard the bat sliding across the floor, looking for its next victim, looking for her. She ended the call and ran to retrieve the handgun she never told Foster she had purchased after the whole Lena incident.
By the time she got back to the room, Theo was already there waiting for her. He lunged at her as soon as she crossed the threshold, but he didn’t know she was armed, and without hesitation, she fired at him. Then again. Then again. He finally stopped coming for her, but he wasn’t dead. At the time, she thought he was. She will always regret not shooting him one more time.
Shortly after, emergency services descended upon the property. Police, detectives, EMTs, and fire fighters all reported to the scene. The fire fighters quickly left, but the remainder created a chaotic nightmare over the next few hours.
The actress fiancée would not be saved. However, Theo would be taken in an ambulance to the local trauma center. He would survive, but barely, to stand trial for one count of murder and two counts of attempted murder. He would be found guilty. He would also be found guilty of providing drugs to a minor, aiding in the death of a minor, and drugging the murder victim. He would not be leaving prison alive.
Elle remembers being brought to the cold police precinct and being questioned for hours on end. She couldn’t begin to fathom why they were so interested in asking her the same questions over and over again when the man who murdered the love of her life was in surgery to save his.
She managed to hold herself together through most of the day. Shock had kept her from really falling apart. Until her parents walked into the the lobby. They saw her and rushed to her and she finally broke down, pushing away their efforts to hold her.
She cried inconsolably for hours, actually days. She cried so much she couldn’t remember leaving the police station. She woke up in her parent’s house in her childhood bedroom, devoid of tears and energy. For the next few days she existed only in that bed. The depression and grief of her loss was overwhelming.
She only got out of bed when her mom came and informed her that arrangements had been made and they would be leaving the next day for Belgium. Bringing Foster back home to her family.
Elle doesn’t remember the plane ride to Belgium. The only thing that stands out is the sounds Foster’s mom made as she cried watching her only daughter be unloaded from the cargo hold of the plane. She remembers how her mom went to go comfort Foster’s mom, and the dads embraced and shed tears. She remembers putting an arm around Finn’s shoulders, and him folding into her and sobbing. She wanted to cry, but she had no tears left to shed.
Eventually, Foster’s remains were transported by the funeral director. Since she had no living will or written directives, she was to be cremated. Her ashes to be buried in the family plot. There was a funeral mass for Foster at her family’s church. Elle didn’t even know that Foster was religious. All that time together and she had no idea her family went to church.
The things her mind chose to hang on to in grief were crazy.
The church and the crematorium and the burial of the ashes, proved to be too much for Elle. Her dad held her around the waist to keep her from throwing herself into the oven and trying to bury herself with the ashes.
Elle couldn’t get out of this deep, dark depression. She had to quit her job. And, of course, the writing job was over when the studio cancelled the production of Inferno. One death, they could work past, but the death of their lead at the hands of the director? There was no PR specialist that could spin that into a positive light. There was no recasting that wouldn’t set off a literal inferno of protests and and anger online that would have Foster both embarrassed and tickled by the attention.
Elle would receive thousands of letters and messages online from fans who wanted to show their support in her time of loss. How they figured out who she was she didn’t know, but had an idea that Lenny and the producers had something to do with it.
The production team was very supportive through all of it. They even paid for the memorial setup in the local cemetery’s mausoleum.
The only small connection Elle still had with her actress fiancée who now rested eternally overseas.
Elle parked the car in one of the few spots outside and walked in. She had been so often, her feet just carried her there. She had never been brave enough to talk to her, but felt she owed it to her Fozzy Bear, her actress fiancée.
She sat on the little bench in front of the memorial.
“Hi Baby, I know you aren’t really here, but I feel you all around me. I know you can hear me.” Elle started to shudder and took a few deep breaths to calm her nerves before continuing.
“I am so, so sorry. I should have been there. I should have stopped him. I should have stopped you.
What the fuck were you thinking? Aw hell, what the fuck were you ever thinking. You ran head first into every brick wall life threw at you.
That psycho stalker, Lena, Theo, yeah, babe like you said, it was a fucking conga line of psychopaths. But, you, you just fucking charged at them all didn’t you? No regard for what could go wrong. I am still so mad at you for that.
But, I’m so proud of you, too. You didn’t let anything stand in the way. Or, at least you tried not to let anything stand in the way.
You were fierce, and headstrong, and so fucking beautiful and talented. Who wouldn’t love you? You were so much to me, so much for me.”
The tears are now streaming down her face.
“I’m incomplete. Since you left, there is a part of me that is just empty, and can’t be filled. I don’t know what to do without you in my life. I feel hopeless and I don’t want to be here without you.
I had to move back in with my parents. You didn’t have a will, so all your money and the house and cars were liquidated and given to your parents, your living relatives. They tried to give me some money, but I didn’t take it. They can’t pay me off to forget you.
I love you so much, Fozzy Bear. I can’t love anyone else. I don’t want to. I just want to be with you, but you left me here. I don’t know if I believe in heaven or god, if any of it is real, I only want it to be so I can see your smiling face again. So you can tease me and call me names again. So you can hold me again. So you can make me feel whole again.”
Elle sat there for another hour just crying, her body racking with sobs she had been holding for the last six months.
She may never get the closure she so desperately needs, but today, she finally felt some relief. She finally felt like her Foster was there hugging her and crying with her.
She finally felt some peace.