Chapter Text
It was his own fault really. Not that there was an actual fault to be attributed in that kind of situation, but it didn't mean it would hurt any less.
He had been the one to introduce them and gotten his own heart broken.
He thought that they were close, that they could have something down the line, really did.
Simon was a harsh person, but once he opened up he was the sweetest thing. Very touch-free and thoughtful, one to give gifts just because, and very protective.
And John had mistaken it all for a return of his feelings. He didn't blame Ghost, he truly thought the man never tried to lead him on. They never actually did anything, it was all in his head, he just fooled himself, and now watching how Simon truly was with someone he fell for, it was very clear. The man did it all. From nice dinners to flowers out of the blue and picnics. It was sickening how sweet it was, but that came from pure jealousy.
Simon was a fantastic boyfriend, and Johnny thought he had misinterpreted everything because he had no place of comparison as Simon didn't have any other friends apart from John himself. He was friendly with Gaz and Price, sure, but Johnny was special. Jokes on him when he thought he was more special than he was.
They were best friends, and that was all there was to it. All the sleeping curled beside one another on missions, all the soft talks in hidden places so Simon could lift his mask to have a smoke, all the snack bars Simon set aside for him, it was all friendship. A deep one, yes, but friendship nonetheless.
And it was that friendship that made John swallow his hurt and smile as he watched Simon fall hard for his older sister, and she fell even harder for him. He couldn't blame her, Simon was very charming when he relaxed, very endearing.
He didn't resent them, not at all. They looked so happy, so carefree. Even he had never seen Simon smile this softly. So he helped, even if it hurt the worst pain he ever felt, even if he had to lie and smile, only to cry like he was five, alone at night.
They were all he had, his sisters and Simon. All their family was gone a long time ago, their parents long dead from medical reasons and heartbreak. It's funny how now he could perfectly understand his mum when his dad died. His own heart breaking in tiny little pieces at every smile Laura pulled out of Simon.
And she was so incredibly happy, coming from an abusive relationship that ended badly to find in Simon love and care. He wanted her happy, wanted her safe, and no one on earth would protect someone better than Simon, he knew, he was one protected by the man.
Jenny, his younger sister was over the moon for them too. She was married already and slowly growing a little baby belly, it was the cutest thing. They finally were building back the family. Only now, Simon would be welcome in, but it was so bittersweet, so hurtful but special.
Jenny's husband was a hardworking dude, a very tender and excited guy, always building things for them and bringing all sorts of food for them to try. Incredibly Simon and him got along well enough, even if the man still acted a bit shy around the huge man that was Simon. It was comical the height difference the man was really short compared to Simon, even shorter than the Soap himself. But he was an angel to his sister and John would murder whoever hurt the man.
Funny how he imagined everything exactly how it was happening, and saw Simon bounding with them all, but his mistake was thinking it was beside him that Simon would be curled up through the night.
Stupid of him.
He plastered another smile and laughed at something keeping the atmosphere clear when they came back from yet another mission to be greeted by the family. It became a thing. Simon would get all the free time he could to come back to Scotland with him, mask gone, smile taking its place. He was a beautiful sight. One that hurt even if he loved that smile more than life itself.
You see, the MacTavish were a deep bunch, they fell hard and held that love with all they had, good thing or not, it was how they were. His older sister had a really rough time breaking free from her last fiancé. It was a mess. His parents had been together since their young years as kids and never got separated. Not even in death, seeing as his mum passed only two months after his dad.
John took a deep breath as Simon threw the door open and climbed out of the car. They were finally home again from the last mission and John was almost begging for a proper bed to sleep on. The family ranch house sitting innocently in front of him never made him want to drive back to base and sleep on the fucking floor so badly as now.
Simon had prepared a surprise for Laura and John had helped with all the preparations. He was ready apparently. A year and a half seemed to be a good amount of time to propose, he was told. He couldn't avoid the bittersweet smile as Simon closed the trunk and rushed inside the house, both of their bags in hand, ring deep in his pocket.
The kiss he saw made his eyes sting. That was really it. No more hoping that somehow Ghost would look at him as more than a friend. It was over.
A tear ran down his face, and then another and another. Soon he was sobbing like he never sobbed before in his life. Even when his parents were buried, he kept his tears in as best as he could, being the strength pillar his sisters needed.
He couldn't go in there like this, it would raise too many questions. He shot a message to Jenny saying he forgot to buy something and pulled the car back into the road. He drove away and parked at some random place, just because he couldn't see straight with so much moisture in his eyes. And then he cried. Cried until he felt numb and sore. Cried until his head felt cotton-like, until his whole body felt heavy.
It was a couple of hours later when he came back with a big gift in hand for after the proposal and waited with Simon as his sister got ready for the dinner Simon had made reservations for. They had champagne and all waiting for them to come back, so the whole family could celebrate together the “yes”.
That night John took pills to sleep, with a stupid amount of alcohol to swallow it down. He threw up the next day and Simon took care of him, which only made everything worse. So he called Price, begging for any mission he could take, cutting short the days they had gotten for the proposal.
He had never told anyone about how hurt he felt, it wouldn't help anyone, but getting into that car with Simon trying to make him stay for dinner was almost too much, and his heart broke all over, because if he as much as said a word, Simon and his sister would suffer.
So he lied again. Even when Ghost told him he could try to talk to Price, see if he could get another person to go to that mission, saying it wasn't even that big of a mission and anyone could go in his place. But Soap put his feet down and watched Laura and Simon hugging side by side as she waved him off. Jenny holding her baby bump in the background.
It felt like a goodbye.
So in part, he treated it like one. Getting Price to put him in mission after mission, not even stopping at the base for longer than a day. The missions with the 141 were the hardest, as he had to keep appearances and still have Simon on his earpiece cracking those endearing and stupid jokes, and still had to sleep beside him even if he only slept out of exhaustion.
Unsurprisingly it was Price who noticed how Soap seemed to shrink when Ghost turned his back. He pulled him aside and asked what was wrong and if it would interfere with the job. No, it wouldn't. The job was the only thing keeping Soap on his feet, he would keep it no matter what. It was that or jumping off of a fucking cliff.
Price nodded and let him go, but he kept asking, and the more Soap denied having problems, the more Price pulled him closer. Soap even snapped at the man a few times, only to end up with a protein bar as an appeasement offer. No write-ups or callouts for yelling at a CO.
The day Simon came to him asking him to be his best man was the day Soap broke. He laughed and smiled, clasping Simon on the back when they hugged, saying of course he'd be the best man, but all it took was Simon stepping away for him to whine like a wounded pup.
They had the date and preparations on the way and all. Simon said he had just been waiting for the gifts they wanted to give to the best man, so he could actually ask.
That night, Soap, eyes dry but heartbroken, knocked on Price's door, at his house on base, to ask for a deployment asap. Price denied him but pulled him inside, and once again asked what happened. That night Soap bulked and spilled it all over a few cups of scotch.
And Price was there for him, not the sweetest person, or the most tender, but he was there standing strong as he listened and let Soap crash on his couch, drunk and crying. He was also there, when Soap woke up, with an aspirin and a bottle of water.
“How’re you feeling?”
“Like shit, sir… but thank you for letting me stay.”
“Anytime. Now, are we going to have problems on the field? Can you go on missions with him?”
Soap looked down at his hands, wanting so badly to say it would be fine, that he was a professional, and he had been fine all this time, hadn’t he? But the slight hesitation in his response must’ve been enough for the man.
“Alright. You’re coming with me in the next run. Gaz can cover your spot with Ghost. We have a brief in a few minutes. Go get a shower and meet me at the conference room 3.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you.”
Price nodded and threw a protein bar at him before leaving Soap to fix himself. It didn’t take long for him to push open the conference room door and sit beside Price, Ghost settling beside him, throwing a candy bar on his lap. A habitual gesture that once again made Soap feel stupid for misunderstanding in the first place. Soon Price gave the commands and Ghost was quick to question why Soap wasn't with him, only to be shut down by Price. Ghost eyes on him made John squirm in his seat, but he had to keep appearances, had to look back and shrug like he didn’t understand either.
He knew how to play the game, knew how to lie and manipulate, be it good or bad, it was the only thing that was keeping him from hurting everyone he cared about so deeply. He would never say a single word of this to Simon or his sisters, he would never stain that happiness in them with his own stupidity. It would go to his grave with him, and now with Price, as he knew the man wouldn't breathe a word of it.
The mission came and went and they ended up gone for three months, much to his relief, but also giving him a headache at night from thinking that if something happened to Simon while he wasn’t watching his six his sister would be heartbroken.
Price kept his mind off of things, keeping him focused and content with being back into the adrenaline and craziness of their mission. It was refreshing after just trying to keep his feelings guarded all the time. Price didn’t let them linger, keeping his no-nonsense attitude, and focus sharp, as they gathered together. Back at base, he didn’t let Soap stop either, sending Ghost and Gaz to rest as he pulled Soap into another briefing.
Soap waved Ghost off, and asked him to kiss his sisters for him, as he followed Price out of the room. To his surprise Price just sent him back into his room and told him to rest, and if he needed anything to come find him. Soap lowered his head and smiled, thanking the man.
Over the next months, they kept the same routine, the only difference was that he would be sent over to Ale or Farah, much more often than before, and upon returning he would go back home for a few days, just to see his sisters and greet the new baby welcoming him into the family and then back to base.
With the wedding approaching Ghost had asked him to help him pick some houses as he knew what his sister liked and they could select a few to show her when she came to England for the next few months, she would be moving in with Simon before the ceremony as they were finding it hard to keep apart and coming back and forth from Scotland.
John found himself picking houses and watching Simon’s eyes light up and talk about how he could renovate this or that if they moved to that particular house or the other. It hurt another whole lot as Soap could only picture the life Simon was painting and seeing himself alone.
Even Gaz and Price were pulled into the house hunting and gave their opinions. Price though kept a close eye on him, and called the thing off when he noticed Soap looking sadly over his phone, where a cute little cottage was shown.
“Alright, you muppets, enough of that, we have an early call tomorrow, off with ya. Soap I need your signature.”
With that, the man led Soap out of the room, and into his office.
“I do have something for you to sign, but it will be your choice. I would rather have you here, but if you want the opening, it only needs your and mine signatures.” Price slid the paper to Soap.
“These are transferring papers.”
“Yes. Over to another unit. I would agree to send you to Alejandro too if you so wish. This is not a compelling proposal, Soap. I want you here, you’re the best we have, but I can see this marriage is destroying you, and I’d rather see you alive but in another unit, than keep you here and get you killed.”
“Am I slacking on my duties, sir? Because if that’s th..”
“No. No, you’re not. I’m giving you an out, John, nothing else. One that you can take and put the blame on me, so you don’t have to explain anything to them.”
“Oh.. umm... I appreciate it, sir. I’ll keep it in mind.”
Soap put the paper back onto the table and stood there looking at it. It would be so much easier. He just needed to distance himself, not have Simon being so close and reminding him what he thought he could have. Maybe he should.
“Maybe after the marriage, sir. I promised Ghost I’d be his best man.”
“If you’re sure, the paper will be here, for whenever you want. Or not.”
The paper was never far from Soap’s mind after that. Just a signature away and he could try to spare himself of the hurt he felt every single time he looked at Simon, every single time they bantered or laughed. He could never bring himself to change around the man, could never tell him to stop leaning over his shoulder when sitting on the couch or to stop making him coffee, just how he liked it. It was how Simon showed love, it wasn't his fault that John had thought it meant more than it did.
So he selfishly, in his mind, still basked in the attention, even if it left such an awful taste in his mouth sometimes.
When his sister finally moved in with Simon, Soap was a wreck. He helped with getting her things inside and watched as Simon flung her around laughing like he had never seen the man do. Pure joy, in his pretty brown eyes.
He threw the sloppiest excuse out and flew out of the door. Eyes stinging, heart in shreds.
He didn’t know where he was going, he just walked and walked, but in the end, he found himself at Price's door again.
“Soap?”
He looked up from where he had pushed his head against the wall.
“Sorry sir, I…. I didn't know where to go.”
One look at him and Price pulled him by the arm, leading him inside, to the very couch he had slept on before. All it took was to look into Price's eyes and he lost the battle against his sobs.
Fuck he felt like he cried more over the last few years than he had his whole life, counting his toddler years, where his mum told him he'd bawled his eyes out for everything. He felt defeated and so very alone, sitting on his boss's couch crying yet again, for a man he could never have.
Soap practically punched the tears from his eyes and face, again and again, pissed at himself for being so weak, so stupid.
“Stop that, John.” Price said as he pulled his hand off of his face, putting a bottle of water in them. “Cry. Let it out.”
“No. It's so fucking stupid! Crying like a fucking infant over a fucking candy I can't have.”
Price sighed and sat down beside him, and simply waited. Soap sobbed and got pissed at himself for it. Only to sob yet again. It was a while until he managed to lift the open bottle to his lips and drink a bit. All the while Price had a hand on his back, not moving, just resting it there, giving support.
And strangely it made Soap feel a little less alone. He curled into himself, into a small thing that shouldn't be possible for a man his size. The hand never left, never wavered, keeping him grounded through the gut-wrenching pain.
John felt Price settle into the cushions as he let it all out. It was a long while when he felt the world fading and sleep took him, exhausted like no amount of training drill ever made him feel.
He vaguely remembered Price pulling him up, arm on his waist as he dragged him to bed, but sleep kept him under and the dreams kept at bay.
In the morning he woke up to a darkish room and a tear-stained face. Price slept soundly beside him, like a freaking dead body. Hand crossed over his stomach and all. It made him huff a small chuckle.
He moved to look around and found his phone on the bedside table. Reaching out he saw the visor blink on with the time. 5:17.
Far too early to be awake, but not as far as the time he had been waking himself up every day.
“Quit moving and let me sleep, you muppet.”
“Sorry, sir, just checking the time.” He chuckled as Price pulled back the sheet he had stolen on his quest for the time.
“Get some more shut-eye, John, there's a bit of time yet.”
Soap had a hunch it was mainly for his own benefit, for Price didn’t seem like the type of man to linger in bed after waking up. It made him feel warm inside. So he closed his eyes and turned to face the man, pulling a bit closer as the morning cold seeped into the covers.
By 6 am he woke up again, this time when he, in his moving about, bumped into Price's shoulder; the man had, as he, turned on his side, but was back into a deep sleep.
He steered though, when Soap bumped on him, blinking groggly.
“Sorry, I woke you again, sir.”
“It’s fine. Got some shut-eye?”
“Yeah, best sleep I've had in months. Thank you.”
“Good. Can't keep losing sleep.”
“Yeah…” a yawn broke his sentence and he stretched his back with it, ending up closer to Price. “Sorry about yesterday.”
“There's nothing to be sorry about. I gave you the space, which means you're welcome to use it.”
Soap had no idea what came to him, might have been the soft morning light filtering through the curtains or his hurt and still half asleep mind, but all he knew was that he leaned forward and gave Price a small peck on the lips. He pulled back, frowning at himself.
“Fuck.. I'm... I'm sorry, sir. I don't know why I did that.” He said, face closing into a deep frown.
“It's alright, lad. I understand that you might want comfort, and I'm fine with it if that's what you need. I just think it's not, is it?”
Soap swallowed and sighed, it wasn't. Not what he needed. He wanted yes. Comfort, closeness, warmth. Just not from Price, not at the moment.
“You're right.. Fuck..”
“It's fine. Come, let's get something to eat. Might set your brain right again.”
Soap chuckled and got up, following Price into the little kitchen, still clad in his yesterday clothes. The man pulled a simple breakfast from his tiny fridge and cupboards and Soap was actually surprised he had anything in here, never having taken Price for one to cook. And being on base meant they had food available. He had yes, better accommodations than Soap and he commented as such, just to make small talk. It helped to get his feet under him again.
As soon as they finished he told Price he'd do the dishes, and the man gladly dropped them, complaining about never liking the washing business.
Soap snorted at that, and got to work as the other put everything away. It was nice, just doing this, not pressure, just calm.
“Brief with Laswell today, yes?”
“Yes. In one hour.” The man answered. “But I need to set a few things straight with you first.”
Soap nodded as he put the last plates away.
“Fire away, sir.”
“I need to know you have your head in the game. I need you on your peak, Soap. I understand what you've been going through, but it's your life and mine out there. I need you focused.”
“That will not be a problem, sir. I know I look weak, but I can promi..”
“It's not about weakness. It's about you understanding that I have your back. I'll do what I can to make sure you are grounded and have where to come to when you need to. But I need to know you thinking through this with your head, not your heart. And I mean on the field. In here, you let it all out. Out there, I need a soldier.”
“Aye, sir. I know. I keep it straight. My word on it.”
“Good. Now, whenever you need, whatever you need, come to me. If you want to stay, then stay, the 141 needs and wants you, and my door is always open. But if you need it, the transfer is still on the table. It doesn't have to be permanent, I can just lend you off to some operation and you come back when you're ready.”
“That's a possibility?”
“I told you I have your back, that includes letting you go and bringing you back.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Think about it.”
And he did. He thought long and hard, but deep inside he knew what he needed. His throat closing when he saw Simon after that day was enough. He entered Price's office and by one single look, the man knew, pulling the paper from his drawer and sliding it over.
“You sure about this?”
“Aye, sir. I need the distance. I need to clear my head.”
“Where then?”
“Alejandro's. Where it all started.”
Price seemed skeptical, but filled out the form and signed it anyway. Putting his own signature there was not as easy as he thought it would be. He felt he was giving up his best friend, leaving him, his sisters, and his baby nephew behind, taking the coward's way out.
He signed it anyway.
“Now, get your arse back in there and pack, I'll make it effective immediately.”
“Thank you, sir. Can you… can you tell him?”
“No. That's between the two of you. Get it out of your chest, John.”
Soap nodded, that was precisely why he needed the time away. He needed to be able to face Ghost without feeling like his throat would close and his body was dunked into ice. He needed to accept that he had lost, but also accept that he never had him to begin with. It was but a crush, a one-sided crush.
Price was right, he needed to get that out of his chest, even if not by confessing but by accepting it and letting it fall, letting it pass.
He found Ghost in the gym, bench pressing probably more than Soap weighted for a warm-up. The displays of strength never failed to make Soap squirm like a teenager. Ghost was an impressive man, in and out, and he would never be his, never.
“Johnny. Gonna just stand there and watch?”
Soap snorted, thrust Ghost to say shit to make him want to say yes please, and thank you. The idiot.
“I'm going away.”
“What?”
Yeah, probably better to just rip the band-aid out in one go.
“Gonna do a couple of months, probably, in Ale's, get a bit of sun yeah? Nice tan.”
“Don't mistake sunburn for tan.”
“Never. Just gonna let it peel off and get some nice vacation by the beach.”
“I'm sure.”
Soap looked down, trying to find words, as he waited for Ghost to put the equipment back. It wasn't a nice silence, or a comfortable one, not in his perception anyway. Ghost sat back on the bench and just looked at him. Those were the times Johnny swore Ghost was really looking at him, like a person not just a soldier, and now, knowing it was true, but just not leaning towards a romantic way, it hurt. Deeply.
“Why did the Canadian tourist go to the hospital in Mexico?”
“What?” Soap frowned, but a little smile appeared in the corner of his mouth. “Why?”
“Because he was suffering from Cancunclusion.”
“That's awful, lt.”
“It made you smile.”
“Yeah, it did.” Soap wanted to cry.
“What's going on, Johnny?”
“What do you mean?”
“You've been acting weird for a while now, but you never say why, and whenever I try to talk to you, you run away to some mission we both know you don't need to be in.”
“I didn't realize you were trying to talk to me, sir.”
“Yes, you did. And drop the sir, it's just you and me now. Talk to me. How can I help you, Johnny?”
“There's nothing to help, Si, I just need to figure a few things out about myself, that's all.”
“Does this have anything to do with the marriage? If being my best man is bothering you, you don't have to. I won't be hurt or mad. I just want you to be happy.”
Soap felt his eyes sting. He didn't need to fucking cry again, not in front of Ghost of all people. He felt so weak, so stupid, never felt so childish as now, so far away from the soldier he knew he was.
A hand on his neck brought him back from his thoughts and he swallowed the lump in his throat.
“Johnny? Why are you crying? Talk to me, please. Let me help.”
“It's nothing you can help with, Si.. not really. I'm just.. going through some stuff right now. Personal stuff.”
Ghost's face turned so sad Soap almost bulked and ran.
“And I can't help…. Can someone else help? Price? You've been spending a lot of time with him, maybe he can help.” Soap just shook his head, a tear falling down his face. Ghost, bless his heart, always stood by him, even if it was by getting something or someone else to help when he couldn't. “Want me to call Laura? Or Jenny? I'll stay away from the house if you want privacy to talk to them.”
“No Lt, but thank you. Thank you for caring so much.”
“Johnny..”
“It's alright. I'll be gone just for a little bit, set myself straight, and be back in no time, yeah? You won't even have time to miss me.”
“That's impossible, you dummy.”
Soap felt his lips tremble. Without stopping to think he just threw his arms around Ghost and hugged the man tightly sinking into the arms that closed on him. It lasted just a moment and in the next moment, Soap was pulling off and walking away, ignoring Ghost's calls.
It felt like goodbye, and it was. He left it all behind, only calling his sisters to say he was going on a long mission like he always did. He packed his things and hauled himself into Price's office until it was time to go.
Ghost tried to talk to him as he boarded the plane but Soap just smiled and said he'd be back in no time. The trip itself was uneventful, full of deep thoughts and almost regrets, but Soap just steeled himself and greeted Alejandro with his usual enthusiasm.
The two months passed rather quickly and Soap wasn't sure he was ready to come back, but Gaz had gotten hurt and they needed him back. He visited the man first thing after landing, staying in the hospital room talking and laughing until the nurses kicked him out for staying beyond the time allowed for visitors.
It was late evening when he knocked on Simon’s door, and got pulled in by a smiling Laura, happy to see him back. They talked until three in the morning, she filled him in about everything that was ready for the wedding and all that still needed to be done. She looked so happy and excited it was hard not to be just as happy as she was. He helped her pick a few things and gave his opinion on others.
He couldn't lie, it was so good to be part of such a special moment with her, he never had the chance with Jenny, as he was still deep into his training days, working his ass off to try for SAS. They were so close growing up, getting into all sorts of trouble and giving their mum early gray hair. It had been Laura who had helped him with the fake documents to get into the army, she was responsible for setting him straight after that one incident where he almost got kicked out for punching a SO. She had screamed at him and slapped him for being such an idiot after she put her butt on the line getting those documents. Neither comment that he could only actually get in when he was truly of age. She did it, it was all that mattered.
Sharing special moments was all Soap had in his life, and this was the most special. Her dream really, was having a family of her own, two kids and a dog, like she always said she wanted.
John shook his head at the thought, choking on the idea of Simon having a little one.
It wasn't fair, not to anyone, that he kept hitting over the same wall. His time over in Mexico had helped a bit. It had put things into perspective and reminded him of how important this all was for Laura. It made him see that loving wasn't something you had a say on, but how you dealt with it was. Loving was also letting go, just like Price had said those months before.
Simon came back home two days later and greeted him with a tight hug, making Soap think that all his efforts to let his love die were in vain. It still hurt seeing the sweet kiss they shared.
John greeted Price the next day with a hug, not caring at all for appearances, he missed the man. He was filled in on what the mission was about and soon they were shipped out. It was only a week-long mission, but Soap felt like coming back home, as he dropped another enemy and signaled Price to breach. He had missed how well they worked together.
By the time he came back to base, the smile on his face was a sincere one. Simon greeted him on the tarmac with the usual candy bar and checked for injuries. Such a natural thing. It hurt.
Soap just waved him off and talked all about how his feet had slipped on the exfil and Price was still laughing at him. Small talk. Keeping the hurt at bay.
He talked to Simon as much as he could handle and hid in Price's office for the rest of the day, if he could, doing his paperwork near the man, taking all the calmness the man had about himself when he was actually seated and filling papers; such a stark contrast to the man he was on the field, bordering on having anger issues.
After a while, when his eyes were hurting from looking at the computer for so long, Soap would try for some small talk, which Price would partake and they ended up chatting for a good while, sometimes even when filling boring papers.
Price was a stern CO but sitting in that office he was so calm it was disconcerting. Soap even told him as much, and the response was that he didn't need to be on high alert here. It made him smile, knowing that Price could relax around him, made him feel worthy in a strange way.
He slept on Price's couch a few times, making the man laugh when he found Soap on the floor one morning, almost tucked under the coffee table curled up around the pillow.
Gaz was out of the hospital just in time to try the gala military uniform for the wedding. They all went together to get the final adjustments done, and in John's case getting all the kilt and jacket done, which made the ladies at the store ask for a hefty fine, one that Soap paid with no problem, he had run from it for far too long. He couldn't disappoint his sister or Simon any more than he already had.
He got misty-eyed when putting it on for the first time, and slapped himself hard on the face.
The day of the wedding passed in a blur, he took his duty as best man the best he could, keeping his mind on the tasks, getting him into the gala uniform in the right way, and helping Simon not freak out from how nervous he was. It was so endearing, such a dangerous man, shaking like a leaf when he was standing at the altar waiting for his bride.
Soap could only cry, no sound leaving his lips as tears slipped down his face. He was so conflicted, so happy, and in awe of how incredibly beautiful his sister was, but so sad and broken when he delivered the bride to the love of his life, as he stood on the side, smiling happy but crying with sadness.
The ceremony was the most beautiful he had ever seen. Simon crying was still the most breathtaking thing he had seen in life and probably ever would see. He was so happy, so in love.
John smiled as Simon and Laura Riley-MacTavish entered the dance floor. Gosh, Simon was such a dork dancing, stiff like a log, and twirling Laura like nothing else mattered in the world. It was beautiful.
And it was over.
It was all over.
Not even a smidgen of hope in his soul to tell the tale. He had lost Simon forever.
Tears streamed down his face full force and he felt his heart sink so hard it took his ability to breathe. He looked around in a slight panic, eyes landing on Jenny, she looked back alarmed, and started to push the baby into her husband's arms. Soap shook his head. No. He would not make a scene, he would not ruin the most important day for his sister.
Panicking, he gripped the table and flung himself from it, trying to beeline for the restroom, but his knees gave out, and his mouth filled with saliva.
“Easy, lad, easy. I've got you.”
“Jenny…”
“Gaz is with her. She won't come. Let's get you to the toilet before you ruin that pretty kilt of yours.”
It was barely enough time before Soap was heaving into the porcelain basin. Price stroked his back and helped him to clean up.
“That's it. You're fine, deep breaths like you know how to.”
“Fuck.”
“Water?” Asked the man as Soap slid to the floor leaning on the wall.
Soap only nodded and watched as Price flushed the toilet and cleaned it of any trace left by him, as he sipped on a bottle of water. How the man had it on him was a mystery but he had stopped asking himself those questions a long time ago, Price always seemed to be ready, no matter the occasion.
John closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“It's over.” He said as Price completely ignored his expensive Captain Gala uniform and sat on the restroom floor beside him.
“It has been for a while, lad.”
“I know... I just feel it is truly over now. There's no more hope, not even the tiniest bit.”
Price didn’t say anything, just sat there pressed to his side, giving support.
“I feel so stupid. How the hell am I a soldier like this? having a fucking panic attack at my best friend's and sister's wedding. Ridiculous.”
“I believe you can guess my opinion on this.”
“Aye. It's not stupid and it has nothing to do with me being a soldier.”
“Correct.”
“Still, I feel stupid. But…” he sighed and took another sip of the water as if he needed time to gather his thoughts. “I truly feel it's over now. Feels weird.”
“Bad?”
“I… don't think so. Is it bad that I feel… a little relieved?”
“No. It's not. It's ok to let go, even if it's something that you feel is the most important thing in your life. Sometimes, it's healthier to give up. You can move on now, find other things, other people to love, and be loved back.”
“Yeah… I can. Feels like I just lost it all.”
“It can be a new page. New book.”
“From the depths of the pit, there's only one way out. Up. Right? ” Soap took a deep shaky breath and cleaned his tears away. “Help me up from it, sir?”
“I told you I'd be here.”
“I know. Thank you.”
Soap smiled and let his eyes find Price's.
“Come here, sunshine. You look better when you smile.”
That did it, pulling a wet smile from Soap as he leaned in and let his head rest on Price's shoulder. They stayed like that for a very long while, just talking whatever came to Soap's mind.
It was so calm and peaceful. Price's fingers played with the creases on the kilt, absent-mindedly as Soap simply sank into the warmth of the Captain's arm pressed tightly to his own.
“This feels nice.”
“It does.” Said Price before leaning over and placing a single kiss on his head. “Feel fine to try and get up? I'm starving.”
“Is food your fix all, old man?”
“Yes.”
The answer was so short, in such a deadpan tone that Soap burst out laughing. He shook his head but accepted the lead.
Price pulled him off the ground and fixed his kilt and hair, making Soap smile.
The peck he placed on the Captains lips didn't come with a frown this time, and it wasn't met with a question of what he needed, but with a smile that made Price's eyes get really small.
The man simply took his hand and led him back to the party, where he hugged Jenny and told her he was alright.
Soap enjoyed the party playing with his baby nephew until Simon and Laura took him for a dance each.
It was that time he knew he could start to put his love to rest, make his peace with it, and possibly look beyond.
He met Price's unwavering eyes over Simon’s shoulder and he felt a soft smile spread on his lips as he finally relaxed enough to lean his head on Simon’s.
New things and new people.
His eyes never left Price's.