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There were many unanswered questions about life, with all of them so vastly unimaginable to answer, that just trying to figure out one could lead to several lifetimes’ worth of work. Which to say, was an impossible task for someone who had an indeterminate amount of life left to live. Those questions could play around in a sunless space, bouncing on for eternity, as only one lifetime was doing the work.
The questions were boundless, always plaguing the mind. So much so that he sought out escapes more and more, trying to grab that fix of what life truly was.
What was so important about it? Why was it important that he had to live through so many tragedies and not be part of the damage? Why couldn’t he go as well, to die alongside those that he loved so dearly? Why did he have to keep on going when he should have been part of the ruin?
Maybe that was because he could continue to see the sights like these, to forget he existed as a person.
Golden grass lapped at his shins as he wandered down a glittering field and an orange-painted sky. The field stretched on for miles across rolling hills, seemingly going on forever. Perhaps it was, and he just didn’t have the heart to believe it was possible. Why would the reachable form of Heaven have no bounds? All of this was but a taste of the existence he would soon enter when his luckiness finally ran out.
His so-called luckiness, at least.
The brilliantly-colored sky arched above his head with long, stretching clouds. They looked as if they were arms holding it aloft, making a comforting and warm blanket for him to settle underneath under. All of the dashing colors accepted him as their own, spinning him into being something like nature, swallowing him up.
A dark shadow sprawled out to his side, shrouding the ground as he walked. Though while others would deem it unfit for such a beautiful scene, he quite liked its company and look. There was a soul, and that was him. The only soul there.
The loneliness had become something he was accustomed to, even when surrounded by so many people. An odd energy filled him whenever he was around others, turning his mind into a dopamine factory as he scrambled and grabbed for the approval and smile of others. It felt so seamless how he introduced himself into conversations, joking around as if it were as easy as breathing.
Friendships were made. Friendships that wouldn’t go anywhere. Friendships that would turn into another name he couldn’t link a face to. Friendships that he didn’t try pursuing any further.
Because at the end of that conversation, he truly wanted to have what he had before. But did he want what he had before? Did he want to go through all of that pain and loss again, watching as he was the only one standing alone, fists clenched around the tattered remains of broken promises and whatever was left behind by these friends?
No, he decided as he came up to a stray fence worn by weather and the rays of the reddening sun, no he didn’t want that to happen again. Coming to a stop at the fence, he placed his gloved hands on it, feeling the imperfections through the fabric. It had been new once, deciding what life still was. Then it found its place here where it slowly became a part of it.
Was he really getting envious of a fence?
He had to clear his mind. Closing his eyes, he tried to shove the unsettling thoughts out of his mind. It worked well, surprisingly, and he could finally taste the pleasant aroma of barley in the air. Warmed by the setting sun and potent with the ripeness, it was as if a spell had taken over his mind, clearing the thoughts.
Once more, his eyes opened and he couldn’t begin to explain how beautiful it suddenly all became to him. The golden grass around him seemed to be even more vibrant, with bright yellows punctuating through the darker shadows. Everything popped, especially with the red sun now turning the clouds pink and purple with the sky being an even deeper gold. It was as if he were staring at the most precious treasure in the world.
Human trifles were nothing out here, and the more he weathered himself like that fence, the easier that he could forget that there were other people out there. He could forget that he was just like them and instead something different, something more obscure.
His hands tightened around the fence before he threw himself over it, kicking his legs in the air and landing with a slight stagger. Dirt crunched beneath his feet as he found himself landing on a country road, leading from some new horizon to another new opportunity.
What was stopping him from following it?
It was easy to lose himself in the scene. Each footfall relaxed more and more of his mind as they slowly became a gentle rhythm, a drum of the earth pulling him more and more. He might as well stop walking and allow his limbs to take root.
A gentle breeze rushed around him, making the grass move like glittering waves of a sea made of gold and bronze. It ruffled his feathers and hair, almost taking his hat clear off his head. But that didn’t matter. It could blow away and that could give him an excuse to sprint across the road and wade into the ocean.
But it didn’t fall and he continued to walk the countryside, slowly being consumed by the world around him. The wind made him walk, the sun gave him form, and the field gave him his senses. All he ever could be was something made up of this piece of Heaven.
“Ansel!”
It was as if someone had punched him in the gut. Reality flashed back to him and he found himself farther along the country road, struck still as he saw an unassuming oak tree sitting overhead. Did someone…?
“Hey, your ears jammed up?!” the feminine voice called once more, “Oh! So you don’t answer to anything else we call you but the most formal name sparks something?!”
He couldn’t move, completely stuck into place as all the color drained from his face. This wasn’t real. He hadn’t heard that voice in years. Years and years… countless ones to the point where trying to recall it all was nothing more than a fool’s errand.
“Hey, you had me at Ricky, but I was still trying to get this cool bug!” another voice called out.
Now, he was completely frozen into place, eyes wide and staring as the familiarity of the voice sunk into him. That was his voice… lighter from youth. He knew what was going on now. Even as his chest began to tighten and an equally taut smile began to grimace its way across his face, he continued to watch as a small form made its way across the hill and up to the tree, where he finally saw her and the others.
The taller of the group, a girl with a white tank top and bootcut jeans, straightened up from leaning against the tree. Her round ears perked as she stared at the other with renewed surprise.
“And where is it? You got it, right?” she challenged, voice captivated by genuine intrigue. The girl lounging on the ground behind her gave a spasm as if suppressing a gag.
The young boy came to a stop in front of her and raised his hands, a grin stretched wide across his features. Leaning in, the girl’s eyes widened as she finally saw something that the observer could hardly conjure into memory. Was it a beetle? Or was it a ladybug? Whatever it was, it had spots.
His chest began to ache as the waves of nostalgia continued to slam down over him as if he were nothing more than a lighthouse sitting atop a lonesome rock. This place… he remembered it all too well as a favorite haunt with the people he loved so dearly. So this was why he felt so drawn to walking down this road?
He wanted to so badly be that teenager again, the one without a care in the world and complete with the family he had. The ones that weren’t blood, but those whose hearts beat in sync with his own. The ones that would sneak out with him to enjoy what life truly meant.
Back then, it meant staying together.
Now, it meant reminiscing.
How cruel was it to continue one just remembering what he lost? This was no way for him to live happily.
The memory’s conversation pulled him back as the tall girl pulled away from his younger self, looking off down the road, just behind a hill where he couldn’t see himself. Her ears perked up.
“Hey, those two slowpokes are finally here!” she said, planting her hands on her hips before suddenly freezing and leaning forward. The observer could only imagine her squinting her eyes. “They got lunch without us?!”
Huffing, she raised up both of her arms and waved them like a mad woman. “Archie!” she called out, “New guy! Get your butts over here, lunch bag inspection! You better have left some fries for us!”
God, this hurt. The observer, now an outsider of his own memories and mind, continued to watch the scene unfold from behind the veil of reminiscing. It felt as if someone had seared his throat with a white-hot iron, leaving it to sting and ache in the aftermath. His stomach roiled as his own lunch threatened to burn its way back into his throat.
Why couldn’t this have stayed the same?
No, this was too much to watch. Shutting his eyes tightly, the apparition of memory vanished in front of his eyes, but the silhouettes of the other were still burned into his retinas. Why couldn’t he just get them all out of his mind? He wanted these memories to no longer be a part of him, to forget them and move on as an entirely new person. Was he just doomed to spend the rest of his life with them, wishing that things were the same?
He was already doing that. Almost every night, he lay awake in an apartment he never found the energy to tidy up, instead sinking into the life he never got to keep. He could envision in his mind what his friends would be like now or just reliving the same happy moments over and over.
Turning away from the great oak tree, his feathers flattened as he sucked in a steadying breath, one that tore open his raw throat. It was so hard to move on. no matter what he did, he could never forget them, even to the point where pursuing real friendships was pointless.
He still couldn’t give a satisfactory on life’s purpose, no matter what he did. For now, it was to wallow in the past, unable to shake it no matter how hard he tried to simply become one with existence. If only he could forget his questions on life’s cruelty and the past’s pressures on him, then maybe he could finally achieve that greater horizon.
But that was only an inconceivable dream. Maybe one day, he’d finally find peace.